Zoo With Roy

He Sprung from a Magic Jortress

2012-06-02T08:49:00.000-04:00

"What are you looking at, Rick?"

"Oh, the silent majesty of a Spring night... the lustrous, green glow of ball field grass... a donkey in his jorts, rushing the field and seamlessly celebrating a no-hitter with the players..."

yes, please

"You get over here and gimme a hug!!!"

J-Roll Swag-O-Meter Update: New Father, Three-Games-Out-On-June-1st Edition

2012-06-01T10:30:00.000-04:00

An In-Depth Interview with Keith Law (@KeithLaw)

2012-05-31T09:06:00.000-04:00

Keith Law is a straight up legit: he wrote for Baseball Prospectus back before nerd was cool, went to Harvard & Carnegie Mellon, worked in the Blue Jays front office, is currently employed by ESPN as their "lead baseball analyst for Scouts Inc." (you have to pay to read his articles!!), and he tweets about Icelandic rock bands. I'm pretty sure he'll be running some donkey team's scouting operations when the timing is right. Mr. Law is also notorious for being soulless and hating the Phillies, so I was pretty pumped when he agreed to sit down and discuss your 2012 Fightins in a hard-hitting zoowithroy.com exclusive.

(Yes, the real Keith Law. Yes, he actually answered these questions.)

It’s not looking good for the Phillies, who at this moment face an insurmountable three game deficit in the NL East. Who should they be looking at with the top pick in the 2013 draft?

I hear they already have a pre-draft deal for that pick with a high school outfielder named Toolsy McSlapperson. High-reward, but high risk too, unless he's acquitted before then.

You're a noted food connoisseur, and we’re obviously cooked ... which meal would you say best represents the 2012 Phillies?

They're better than a meal at Olive Garden, because partway through, there's at least a chance the Phillies' season will get better.

(Editor's note: sick burn)

As mentioned on thousands of occasions, Ryan Howard has the worst contract in baseball history. Abroad, the Greek economy is in shambles and there are whispers that some may favor a departure from the EU. Should Ryan Howard buy Greece? What are your thoughts on austerity as it relates to Ryan Howard's god-awful baseball contract?

If he waits a few weeks, he can buy what's left of Italy at a discount, which will provide a higher $/WAR (Wine Above Replacement) value than Greece.

It’s pretty clear based on the Phillies track record of terrible decisions that they will not re-sign Cole Hamels, allowing him to go to a smart franchise. I don’t even have a question here I just want you to agree and comment.

The most likely destination for him is the same one that just gave two-year deals to Mark Ellis, Jamey Carroll, and Aaron Harang. More like a S-M-R-T franchise.

Complete this sentence: Having Juan Pierre in the line-up balling so small allows the Phillies offense to _____________.

Cause opposing pitchers to laugh so hard they might slip up and leave something over the plate.

(Editor's Note: 3-5 last night, average at .324, OBP balling-so-small at .361 hahahahaha now people stop takin' my stylin' for a joke)

If Roy Halladay’s labrum raced Chase Utley’s knee at Ryan Howard’s “Achilles’ Last Stand” Fourth of July BBQ and Fireworks Extravaganza, whose feebleness would make you sad first? Or do you not have any emotions?

My programmers promised to include an Emotions add-on in the next system upgrade. It requires another 16TB of RAM, though - and it's only in beta.
-------
And there you have it. Thanks, Keith! Oh, also if you want to read a fake Keith Law bolg post on ZWR that Danger Guerrero and I wrote way back go here.

"No but for serious ZWR how on earth did your stupid little bolg get Keith Law to bother responding to you let alone going to the trouble of passing this with ESPN's legal teams and PR folks?"

Dude, everyone loves the penguin.

Here's Your New Favorite Chooch GIF

2012-05-31T08:58:00.001-04:00

Some guy with the presumed fake email last name of Chutley got drunk (his words, not mine) late last night and emailed me this animated .gif of Chooch. I think you'll agree it's probably the best and your new most favorite in a long line of amazing Chooch gifs. Man, it's really funny to say "Chooch gifs". CHOOCH GIFS.

See, I always knew Chooch was a superhero. Don't forget to Vote For Chooch.

Also, Chooch loves to dance:

That's Not Chooch! The Carlos Ruiz Flash Card Game

2012-05-30T11:36:00.000-04:00

The Carlos Ruiz Childrens Flash Card Game

The other day I received an awesome email from ZWR enthusiast Zach, of recent bolg engagement fame. I'll let him take it from here:

Amanda and I were watching a Phillies game last week and she noticed that Chooch wasn't playing, she brought this to my attention by stating with enthusiasm, "That's not Chooch!" I thought this was the funniest thing, so I decided to make Chooch cards, designed to help children differentiate between what is and what is not Chooch. Check out these Chooch cards!

The concept alone proposed by Zach made me laugh (imagining toddlers pointing at flash cards and saying, "CHOOCH!" is hilarious and adorable), but when accompanied by the photos he attached, I knew Zach was a genius:

More after the jump!

This is clearly an amazing and hilarious concept, so I went ahead and made some of my own. Look for the complete set in a store near you just in time for the postseason run:

This was just the post we all needed today. Thanks, Zach!

p.s. Feel free to submit your own via email (link in menu bar) or Twitter

READER SUBMISSIONS

From Andrew on twitter:

From Kunk, via Twitter:

From @FunnerHere:

Some Reasons for Optimism Concerning Yesterday's Sad News

2012-05-30T10:00:00.001-04:00

For illustrative purposes only. Roy's are actually much more ripped than this

Obviously, finding out that Roy is going to miss 6-8 weeks (my guess, twenty three days*) with a strained lat isn't ideal ... but it's not the end of the world, either.

Let's review the positives here:

Nothing's torn or ruptured.
No surgery, girl.
This may help solidify Cole Hamels' long term future as a Phillies.
Philadelphia is sure to become the world-leader in physical therapy and recuperative treatments, as its practitioners are about to embark on a journey/experience unlike any they could have prepared for.
Donkey baseball writers and amateur pitching experts everywhere can pat themselves on the back and tell everyone I Told You So for the rest of the season. Wait, that's not a positive. Nevermind.
Roy will soon become the first person to ever read Thomas Mann's The Magic Mountain in one sitting on a stationary bike. Upon finishing, he'll make startling insights on the author's interpretation of time.
Hundreds of years from now, "Roy's Lat" will have taken the place of "Achilles Heel" in popular mythology. In the new version, the "weakness" heals itself in record time and becomes indestructible immediately before Roy saves the earth from catclysmic asteroid impact.

* Three weeks of rest and four complete game (shutout) tune-up starts in the minors over a two day span.

A Brief Memorial Day SRHPY (5.27.12)

2012-05-28T08:10:00.003-04:00

Okay kids, there are cheeseburgers to be eaten and sunburn to get, so let's answer the pressing questions that have been coming my way:

"Is ZWR okay?"
Yup. Panic helps no one.

"Are you going to change your bolg's name to (something about doctors)?"
No.

"Are you going to change your bolg's name to (something about Roy Halladay's rehab from a shoulder transplant)?"
No, donkey.

"Are you going to change your bolg's name to I Want to Go to the Zoo with (another player)?"
No, donkey. Srsly.

"What if Roy's too hurt to pitch this year then what? What are you going to do?!?!"
I'm going to break faces and (Ready? It's important that we all understand this... it's the key part here) keep wanting to go to the zoo with Roy Halladay.

Yes, this stinks. All we can really do though is keep our chins up and hope for the best- for Roy and the Fightins. He's a super-warrior assassin type, so if it's something that can be beaten for a return this season then he'll do just that. If it requires (gasp) something more, then imagine how insane he's going to be with a new cyborg shoulder!

Chins up.

Talk About A Runnin' Redbird (St. Louis Streaker Photoshops)

2012-05-25T09:32:00.002-04:00

I've gotta give this guy credit, the Hakuna Matata tattoo is pretty hilarious and he resisted the urge to wear gimmicky headgear. That said, shoes would have provided much better traction.

Prepare for Photoshops, because, well, it's the Friday of a long Halladay weekend and I'm feeling pretty chipper and I want to give the peoples a little more than "ohey some bald fit dude ran across the field nekkid last night here's a screengrab".

Nice form

Dead heat, yo

It's a problem free, philosoph---YARGGHHHHH *taser*

The Worst Bobble Head in History Concerns Roy Halladay

2012-05-24T10:50:00.000-04:00

Hey, do you want to own a Roy Halladay bobble head where his body is positioned such that he's throwing like a right-handed pitcher only his arms are switched around so that his glove is on his right hand and the ball is in his left (kind of like he was about to toss it like a frisbee, to second base)? Also, do you want the bobble head's face to resemble Billy Bob Thornton with a terrible line beard and even terribler gigantic, fake teeth more than it does the actual Roy Halladay?

If so, then MAN do I have the perfect link for you! Shady, licensing-ignoring Chinese toy manufacturer? Nope. This one's available directly from MLB, baby.

Thanks to Marc for bringing this complete and utter debacle to my attention.

Some people call it a cutter I call it a sling blade mmmm hmmm

/buys a dozen anyway

UPDATE
So somehow this has already turned into the biggest post in bolg history (and I'm pretty important as it is, so, you know). Thanks everyone!

Wait-- a Peter King link? PETER KING LINK:

love his work on Uproxx

And my best friend Tyler Kepner from the NEW YORK TIMES:

Also a half-hearted hat/tip from HARDBALL TIMES

And-- YES! -- even Bleacher Report:

U JELLY,?

"But ZWR, aren't you just patting yourself on the back now?????!!"

Oh, dude you know it. Next question.

"Are there Photoshops?!! What about Photoshops/????@!!"

OKAY, FINE.

This one, from everyone's favorite NC-17 ZWR ripoff, I Want to Go to the Strip Club with Mike Stanton:

And this one from Cork Gaines, who is also apparently a pretty important blogger and journalist, as well as photoshop provocateur:

Feel free to submit your own and email them to me with the CONTACT link in the menu above. And Thanks again!

UPDATE TO THE UPDATE

**BEHOLD THE POWER OF THE PENGUIN! TELL 'EM, CBS SPORTS and Big League Stew**

bwahahahahahahahahahahahaha

And now, the exciting conclusion of "Bobblegate":

OMG so much better!

SCRAMBLE THE PR PEOPLE! SOUND THE ALARMS!!

BUT WAIT, WHAT:

So was it a fraud, or the wrong photo?! Hmmmm.

Special Moment - AI Returns!!!

2012-05-24T09:38:00.001-04:00

This was a way better idea than that time they actually let him back onto the court to play and were all, "oh, huh". Kudos to the Sixers for churning out another ugly (beautiful) win in front of their awful, fake, bandwagon fans. Go get 'em on Saturday!

Click for bigness, yo. Credit: Solecollector (not "Soul") DOT com

So Roy Halladay Pitched Yesterday (5.22.12 v the Natinals)

2012-05-23T10:43:00.000-04:00

Hey, here's a picture of a monkey making pizza!

This Week in Philadelphia Fans

2012-05-22T08:16:00.000-04:00

Eight people wounded by gun shots after National Basketball Association playoff game.
The link

Man pulled from car and beaten in front of pregnant girlfriend.
The link

Security guard has portion of finger ripped off during fan altercation (Zoinks!)
The link

Female fan spit on and assaulted!
The link

Drunk, unruly visitor incites incident and then lies to security & media!
The link

Union fans hault game with barrage of tennis balls, toilet paper and tomatoes.
The link

Philadelphia assemblymen water down proposed California fan violence legislation...
The link

Punch yourself in the face with a face-punching gun

Vote For Chooch: The Movie

2012-05-21T13:22:00.000-04:00

Some guy named Gordon--who may or may not also be Philadelphia's representative in the "MLB Fan Cave"-- just emailed this to me. I think it's pretty cool! It answers the age-old question, "What if Carlos Ruiz was a runaway cinematic locomotive hellbent on destroying everything in its path, including Harry Potter?"

Coincidence? I think Not.

2012-05-20T09:49:00.001-04:00

This past Friday Pat Burrell, via Danger Guerrero, on this here very bolg, offered the following sage advice to young Freddy Galvis:

Freddy Galvis: No, eberyone is breaking my house, ann no one lisson to me, ann Shase is coming back soon ann he's going to take my spot on de baseball team.

Pat Burrell; You're on the baseball team? What are you, a freshman? Nice work.

Freddy Galvis: Well, yeah...

Pat Burrell: You hittin dingers?

Freddy Galvis: I hab one deenger.

Pat Burrell: Just one?

Freddy Galvis: I'ng good at fielding.

Pat Burrell: Jesus Christ. [sits down next to Freddy] Listen, I know fielding is important to Mexicans like you and Chooch...

Freddy Galvis: I'ng Venezuelan. Chooch es frong Panama.

Pat Burrell: Whatever. Pay attention. It's all about hittin' dingers.

Since then, this has happened:

The power of this bolg knows no bounds. Let's everyone thank Danger (by buying ZWR shirts or sending him Goonies screengrabs)!

Phils v. Red Sox Incident Report

2012-05-19T18:00:00.000-04:00

Officers were dispatched to the scene of reported incident--Ashburn Alley at Citizens Bank Park, near Planet Hoagie--upon report from stadium security of an altercation between two large groups of males.

Male 1, from group A summarized the encounter as follows:

"So me and Sully and Mac and Timmy were getting a round of Sams and we hear Mickey yell something from the hot dog line and we look over and Ryan and Sean and Connor and Patrick and Shawny and Sweeney and Seamus and 'Boots' and Timmy M. are fighting a bunch of dago guinea WOPs"

Male 2, from group B, in a separate statement claims:

"Me and 'Two-Phones' and Al were standing there minding our own f***in business when Tina sprints over and straight jaws some kid and then all of a sudden Nicky and Colangelo and Vinny Cannoli and the Santo brothers and Donger and T-Bird and Ant'ny and Tony and Anthony and Franky jump in and it blew up."

Three males were offered first aid treatment on the scene by ballpark security, but refused and fled the scene.

It was indicated by both parties that the source of altercation was a dispute over the alleged superiority of group A male 3's "Mitchell & Ness Bird / Sharktooth C's Snapback" combination or group B male 4's "Powder blue Bo Diaz with maroon Nike Dunks."

Witnesses in the vicinity were questioned thoroughly, but no accurate third-party report of the incident could be ascertained. Most witnesses appeared to be heavily intoxicated and/or refused to provide information. The most frequent reason given for the latter was the desire on behalf of the witnesses to "not wanting to be no snitch" or "I ain't no snitch." One witness was willing to go on record, however it was only to report "the smell of burnt bacon in the air"--an observation that was immaterial to Ashburn Alley investigation.

ZWR in the Wild Goes to Waikiki Beach

2012-05-19T10:01:00.001-04:00

Here's ZWR and island enthusiast Jen showing off a design from the vintage Fall/Winter 2010 collection while frolicking about Waikiki Beach (that's in Hawaii):

Shane, what do you think?

Concur, Shane. Concur. And mahalo, Jen!

Public Notice!
Don't forget that all ZWR casual, beach and formal attire is 15% off if you spend $30 or more. All youse have to do is enter the code "VOTEFORCHOOCH" at checkout. Really. It's that easy.

Phillies High: Freddy Throws A Party

2012-05-18T08:43:00.004-04:00

By Danger Guerrero

[Scene: In the kitchen of Freddy Galvis’s house. The freshman’s parents have gone away for the weekend, and he has decided to throw a party. Things are quickly getting out of hand.]

Freddy Galvis: [grabbing a vase out of an anonymous partier’s hands] No no, poot de base down. Ees esspenive! Whass de matter with joo people?!

Jimmy Rollins: Relax Freddy, this is just how we do. We roll hard, you know? Your parents are cool, they won’t mind.

Freddy Galvis: NO! MY PARENSS ARE GOING TO KEEL ME.

Jimmy Rollins: Nah, it’ll be cool, man. We’ll totally help you clean up. Whoawhoahoa, watch it. You almost got Sprite on the Louis! That stuff’s corrosive.

Freddy Galvis: Dee Loo-ee?

Jimmy Rollins: [sighs] The Louis Vuitton, playboy. The coat. I bought this to match the shoes to match the hat to match the glasses to match the car interior to match the drawers to match my whole aura. I’m all swag from head to toe at all times. For the honeys. You could learn a little something from me, youngin’.

[The Peffercorn twins, Mandy and Candy, enter. All male heads snap towards the door except Jimmy’s, who is too deep in explaining swag to young Freddy to notice. Freddy is no longer paying attention. He is staring longingly at Mandy Peffercorn.]

Jimmy Rollins: … you see, that’s the key. Watches. LOTS OF WATCHES. A watch for every day of the week, and more watches for special occasions. Then, just when they think they’ve seen all your watches … BOOM, even more watches. With BIG FACES. Sometimes I wear four or five watches at a time…

Freddy Galvis: [still daydreaming about Mandy Peffercorn, heart fluttering]

Shane Victorino: [enters kitchen singing] HeyIJustMetYouAndThisisCrazyButHere’sMyNumberSoCallMeMaybe. AndAllTheOtherBoysTryToChaaaaaaaaaseMeButHere’sMyHeyFreddyDoYouHaveAnyButter?

Freddy Galvis: Why do joo wann bodder?

Shane Victorino: MeAndHunterHaveAnIdeaButI’mNotSupposedToTellAnyoneWe’reGoingToGoSleddingDownTheStairs!

Freddy Galvis: WHA? Joo can no go sledding down de stairs!

Shane Victorino: YeahIKnowThey’reNotSlippyEnoughToSledOnThat’sWhyWeNeedTheButter. HeyHereItIsNevermindThanksFreddyIt’sHardToLookRightAtYouBaaaaaaaaaaby. ButHere’sMyNumberSoCallMeMaybe… [rushes out of kitchen carrying butter]

Freddy Galvis: THIS EES A DEESAASSTOR! Joo guys are ruining my house!

Jimmy Rollins: Come on, baby. Relax. You’re rollin’ with the big boys now. Besides, it’s just a little butter.

[Front door slams, everyone in living room cheers]

Jonathan Papelbon: YOU BROSKIS ORDER SOME BEERSKIS?

Jimmy Rollins: Oh snap, the kegs are here!

Freddy Galvis: What? Kaigs?!

Jimmy Rollins: Yeah, this party is about to get CRAY.

Freddy Galvis: No! No cray! Cray es malo!

[Carlos Ruiz, Cliff Lee, and Jonathan Papelbon enter the kitchen with two kegs and bags of ice]

Jonathan Papelbon: Yo yo yo, PAPEL-BRO COMES THROUGH AGAIN. Hey, where are Chase and Roy? I though they were coming.

Jimmy Rollins: I swung by the crib to pick them up, but they said they have plans. Something about Chase fielding grounders all night while Roy stares at his knees until they heal themselves out of fear.

Jonathan Papelbon: Whatever. HEY, did you bros see the Peffercorn twins tonight? Those dresses look painted on. They want it. They want it BAD.

Carlos Ruiz: [cupping hands in front of chest] Si. Ba-ba-boom.

Jimmy Rollins: Oh, Mandy and Candy are here? Time to accessorize. Or should I say, "accSWAGerize." [pulls three watches out of pocket, puts them all on]

Cliff Lee: [chews gum]

Freddy Galvis: CHOOCH. What are joo doing? I thought we were friends!

Chooch: Ees OK, Freddy. Ees no that much beer. We'll help joo clean.

Freddy Galvis: No, no the beer. Well, yes de beer, but ... De OTHER theeng. [whispers] De Mandy theeng.

Jimmy Rollins: Uh oh, young buck's got a crush.

Freddy Galvis: [embarrassed] No, I donn have a crush.

Carlos Ruiz: Chure joo do. Joo tell me yesserday that Mandy is de prettiess and sweetess girl joo eber meet.

Freddy Galvis: SHUT UP, CHOOCH.

Jonathan Papelbon: Bro, that girl's like the town bicycle. Everyone's boned her.

Cliff Lee: [chews gum knowingly]

Jonathan Papelbon: All right, let's tap these kegs. All my old brosephs from Red Sox High will be here soon and those dudes LOVE to party.

Freddy Galvis: WHAT? MORE PEOPLE? Joo guys say thees was going to be a small party?!

Jimmy Rollins: How many times do we have to tell you, playboy? It's under control. Don't worry.

Shane Victorino and Hunter Pence: [from upstairs] GERONIMOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[A loud crash is heard in the living room followed by raucous laughter]

Freddy Galvis: What was that?!

Shane Victorino: [enters kitchen holding the house's front door] HeyFreddyHunterAndIWereGoingReallyFastAndWeCouldn'tStopSoNowThisIsBroken. ItWasFunYouShouldTryItNowYouCanSledAllTheWayToTheYard.

Jimmy Rollins: CLASSIC!

Freddy Galvis: THEES IS DE WORSS NIGHT EBER! JOO GUYS ARE JORKS!

[Freddy sulks. He walks out of the party and plops into a lawn chair in his backyard. He stays there, alone, for almost 10 minutes, until a tall muscular figure wearing a tattered letterman’s jacket approaches carrying a six-pack of beer. The mysterious figure sees Freddy and speaks.]

Pat Burrell: What’s up your a$$, Chooch? I thought this was supposed to be a party.

Freddy Galvis: I’ng not Chooch. I’ng Freddy. Who are joo?

Pat Burrell: I'm Pat Burrell.

Freddy Galvis: Pat de Bat?

Pat Burrell: You got it, Fredo.

Freddy Galvis: Wow. Joo are a legenn. What are joo doing at my party?

Pat Burrell: I came back for some award bullsh-t and that p*ssy Hamels told me this was gonna be a rager. It looks like a sick party. What are you so mopey about?

Freddy Galvis: [sighs] I'ng just trying to fit in ann get de cool kids to like me ann now eberything is terrible.

Pat Burrell: What do you mean, "Eberything is terrible"? We got beer, bros, babes ... it's all good.

Freddy Galvis: No, eberyone is breaking my house, ann no one lisson to me, ann Shase is coming back soon ann he's going to take my spot on de baseball team.

Pat Burrell; You're on the baseball team? What are you, a freshman? Nice work.

Freddy Galvis: Well, yeah...

Pat Burrell: You hittin dingers?

Freddy Galvis: I hab one deenger.

Pat Burrell: Just one?

Freddy Galvis: I'ng good at fielding.

Pat Burrell: Jesus Christ. [sits down next to Freddy] Listen, I know fielding is important to Mexicans like you and Chooch...

Freddy Galvis: I'ng Venezuelan. Chooch es frong Panama.

Pat Burrell: Whatever. Pay attention. It's all about hittin' dingers. That's how you get your hangdown sticky, bro. You are gettin girls, right?

Freddy Galvis: Not really. I mean, uh, there is one girl... Mandy Peffercorn...

Pat Burrell: Peffercorn? Brandy's little sister? One of the twins?

Freddy Galvis: I guess.

Pat Burrell: Oh MAN, bro. Brandy Peffercorn. That brings back some memories. I took her to the prom junior year. We f-cked twice in the limo on the way over, then she gave me a handy under the table during dinner. She was the one that got away, man.

Freddy Galvis: What happon?

Pat Burrell: We got in a big fight after the prom. She was all "I can't believe you f-cked my mom in my bed blah blah blah." Typical girl stuff.

Freddy Galvis: JOO SLEEP WITH HER MOM?

Pat Burrell: Dude. Sandy Peffercorn is a tiger. You don't say no to her. Now what's the problem here? You like Mandy but she won't put out?

Freddy Galvis: No, ees juss ... I like her. Like, a lot. Chee's so pretty and nice, but chee's always ronning arounn with de older guys ann chee neber pay attention to me.

Pat Burrell: All right, muchacho. Buckle in. I don't know why I'm doing this, but I'm gonna impart a little Pat the Bat wisdom on you. Cut the sadsack sh-t. You think girls respond to this "Oh waa I like you oh waa look at me" crap? No way. You walk into the room and act like you've got a two-foot c-ck and if anyone has a problem with it you'll wrap it around their neck and choke them out with it. Own sh-t. You're a star. Hit the gym, hit some dingers, hit some a$$. That's how you do it. You feel me?

Freddy Galvis: Wow, thanks Pat de Bat. I can do that!

Pat Burrell: [pats Freddy on the back] Good talk. See you inside.

Freddy Galvis: Hey wait, where are joo going? I hab more questions!

Pat Burrell: Dude, where do you think I'm going? I'm gonna go f-ck Mandy and Candy Peffercorn. I've never pulled off a family sweep before. Bucket list, kid.

Freddy Galvis: But ... but ... but ... my Mandy ...

Pat Burrell: [no longer listening] Later, bro.

[Cut to the next morning. Freddy Galvis is cleaning up the house by himself. All of the older kids have bailed on him. He opens the door to his parents' bedroom.]

So Roy Halladay Pitched Yesterday (5.17.12 v the Cubs (incl. FACE-BREAKING Photoshop))

2012-05-18T08:40:00.000-04:00

HAHAHAHA dude it's the best when the Phillies win, and last night was number five in a row. It's even better when Roy Halladay's on the hill straight mowing dorks down like my neighbor's kid (who I offered a beer to the other day upon his cuttering my grass only to have him be all, "I'm only 16" and then I was all, "Ayden, that was a test- and you just failed").

AP Photo, taken with melt-proof lens

"But ZWR I know it's SRHPY and you're extra unfocused on Fridays as it is but the topic du jour is Chooch so before you get any further maybe tell us how #VOTEFORCHOOCH did we didn't watch the game or read about it before coming to the bolg so basically you're our source on the matter!"

Oh, you know Chooch went 4-5 with 3 RBI.

"Oh so like the norm?"
Is Carlos the most overlooked? Ye'sir. Did Carlos have pitches tooked? Ye'sir. Though the fans be like Arnold if you fear the Gooch all you gotsta do is roll up with the guy called Chooch.

"That made no sense whatsoever."
Your face makes no sense buttsoever.

"That's wonderful. Hey, how did Roy do? We need to know, we need to know, tell us Zeee-Dub-Arrr because we need to knowwwwww!"
It was good stuff: 8 IP, 7 H, 0 BB (duh), 3 ER (pity runs), 4 K (2 C, 2 SC).

"Only four Ks?"
99 pitches, bro. 7 baserunners. Cold and efficient. No time for paragraphs when one or two pointed sentences can do the trick.

And Now Here is a Really Deep Facebreaking Photoshop Featuring a Chicago Artistic Landmark

"Ghosts of Chicago", 2012, Z.W. Roy

"But Zoo (can I call you Zoo?), what about that t-shirt and discount code you put out yesterday isn't it totally relevant to today's issue of SRHPY? My whole Twitter and Facebooks got deleted and I can't find the info anywhere-- can you re-post????"

Oh girl you know it. Get 15% off of my t-shirts with the code "VOTEFORCHOOCH" at checkout. The only trick is that you have to spend $30 or more but that shouldn't be a problem for you because my market research reveals that ZWR readers are affluent and cultured members of society and/or reckless spenders. So go, click here: http://zoowithroy.spreadshirt.com

TODDLER SIZES?! Toddler sizes.

Matt Garza Blows Up Earth (.gif)

2012-05-17T16:00:00.000-04:00

Yeah, I don't really know either. But I just made it and I think it's pretty spectacular.

Spotted--No Rest for the Weary

2012-05-17T13:05:00.002-04:00

ZWR sources in Chicago spotted the following and dutifully captured it with their kameras for submittal to the bolg. Donkey Nation + Roy- I'm the man who loves you! You rule (pot kettle black). No worries, they were able to quickly move on to their reservations, and weren't impelled to watch HLHIII's entire work-out, which surely would have left them scrounging for some after-hours dive in the poor places (last night).

Jesus, etc.

As Last Night Reminded Us: #VOTEFORCHOOCH

2012-05-17T08:17:00.004-04:00

Seriously donkeyface, have you voted for Chooch yet? All he did last night was hit a game-winning bomb and score eleventeen runs and get on base constantly and guide KYLE RODNEY KENDRICK (the real fifth starter don't even hate) to a startling three hit performance.

Yeah, that's right- stare in amazement at THE CHOOCH. Getty Images

Think on that- offensive hero, team leader, and shepherd of the Kendrick - Contreras victory flock. He's seriously the best! It's no wonder that awesome Facebook page I keep telling y'all about popped up to take on the cause, and it'll likewise be no wonder when it succeeds in seeing to it that Chooch is behind the plate for the NL All-Stars... whenever that stupid game is!

Philly.com producer , 97.3 ESPN Radio Phils Reporter,
and freelance-writer-you-should-hire Ryan Petzar made
this (he's good at Photoshop, too!)

FURTHER

I'm thisclose to going right past the All-Star bid and campaigning for #MVCHOOCH, but I need to finish a face-breaking shirt design first so hang tight on that one loyal readers.

ZWR Exclusive: Sixers vs. Celtics Game 2 Recap

2012-05-14T22:55:00.000-04:00

See, the sad thing about a guy like you is, in 50 years you're gonna start doin' some thinkin' on your own and you're going to come up with the fact that there are two certainties in life: one, don't do that, and two, you dropped 150 grand on a farglin' education you could have got for a dollar fifty in late charges at the Temple library!

Happy Birthday, Roy

2012-05-14T16:16:00.001-04:00

Great men inspire others, strengthen a union, and lead by example. It is unquestioned that HLHIII is a commander-in-chief to his teammates. On this, the occasion of his 35th birthday, heading into the Fall of 2012, we take a moment to consider that which is likely on many minds: is there anyone that Roy could help more than just the Phillies?

Also, be sure to like my pal's new Facebook page, devoted 100% towards the goal of getting Chooch into the All-Star game. Like, seriously. Vote 20 times a day or whatever.

This Week in Chooch GIFs

2012-05-12T10:00:00.000-04:00

Hey gang! It's time once again for another edition of "THIS WEEK IN CHOOCH GIFs," brought to you by ZooWithRoy.com.

ZWR enthusiast and professional meteorologist Steve sent in the following variation of a ZWR user-submitted classic.

LOL, I'll bet the ice cream is TURK-ey Hill:

Did you see Chooch's homeruns this year? Chooch has been hitting homeruns!

Oh, hello All-Star ballot, I didn't see you there:

The 2012 Phillies As Your Company's Softball Team

2012-05-11T10:05:00.000-04:00

Editor's Note: Two years ago I wrote a post comparing the 2010 Phillies to your Company’s Softball Team. Looking back, there has been so much roster turnover that I figured it was time for an update. I hope you enjoy...

The 2012 Phillies as Your Company's Softball Team - A Definitive Guide

Those of you who've played rec or work league softball can attest to the myriad of characters one comes across when donning the $45 cleats purchased at Modell's the night before your first game because you forgot all about it and mesh cap. It's often a spectacle--as much sociology experiment as athletic endeavor.

Below, in all of its glory, is an updated version of what you get when I briefly observe/examine those folks in tangential relation to our hometown (currently sub-.500) heroes.

/foul pop out to first baseman

Laynce Nix
Nix came down to your office from corporate in the Spring, and the moment you saw him you knew this guy was going to do some damage. I mean, just look at him! He has muscles coming out of the muscles in his ears. Then the first informal team practice came, and he showed up in a sleeveless t-shirt and you thought to yourself, “Dude, I don’t even know if the league is going to let this guy play for us!”

He stepped into the box- everyone backed up to the warning track- a sense of anticipation took over the field. First pitch: weak pop-up. He just got under one, no worries, bro’s trying to go yard. Next pitch: fouls it back. He's just excited, no big deal. Next pitch: weak grounder to second. Huh. Next pitch: can of corn to left field that falls in front of the donkeys shagging flies. Slowly, it sets in. Your hopes don’t sink, but the sails have significantly less wind in them. Once he gets to the dugout, he jams a wad of chew into his mouth and talks about picking up babes at B-Dubs afterward.

Pete Orr
“You guys play some ball down here, eh,” he asked in a polite but confident tone at the first meeting in the break room. “I used to play a little ball too yeah when I was in University. I think down here you call it shortstop?” He had a weird accent and you couldn’t understand why he wore two white batting gloves in the field during your first practice, but you figured he at least had SOME skills. So when you saw him draw a leadoff walk in your first scrimmage and go from first to home in less 9 seconds, you figured you had discovered a true gem.

Sadly though, the regular season came and Orr was as spastic in the infield as that Brown kid you had last year was in the outfield. Routine grounders to shortstop became doubles. Doubles became homers, and infield dribblers became triples. This guy is a total spaz. Has absolutely no idea what he’s doing playing infield and every throw he makes is a total adventure. By the time he failed to tag up from third on that short fly ball to left and got doubled off while representing the tying run, you knew you had made a terrible mistake.

Jonathan Papelbon
With all due respect, he’s the reason they never wanted to allow alpha male BMW-driving-tight-pants-wearing smarmy sales guys onto the team. Despite easily being one of the best players on the Gators, this guy is so grating a personality that even as you’re cheering him on for getting a huge hit or making a running catch in the gap you’re half thinking to yourself, “that dude’s just a straight up tool bag.” Then you kind of feel bad for having that opinion without ever really getting to know him, for judging a book by the cover if you will, and consider that perhaps you’re the bad person here …until he pulls his dong out in the dugout and pretends to feed it a piece of Bazooka Joe and you’re all, “oh, yeah, I totally nailed it the first time.”

Ty Wigginton
Wiggy works in sales support and is a slowpitch veteran that really doesn’t give a f*ck anymore, and it shows. Although still talented, he’s seen it all, been there before, and really the only thing he cares about at this point is (misguidedly--he has no chance) “trying to bang” the new receptionist (half his age) you recruited to keep the scorebook. He’s ALL ABOUT practical jokes, too. Wigginton insists on making fart noises every time Pete Orr goes to the plate and is constantly cracking lame jokes about syrup and Canadian bacon (“We don’t call it American Ham, do we?!”).

He has great stories though, and they were somewhat amusing the first 13 times he forced them upon you. Especially the one about how him and his boys “went to states” one year and woke up 20 minutes before first pitch in a strip club parking lot wearing nothing but their boxer shorts, but still managed to move on to regionals.

Spastic.

Hunter Pence
HP is one of the young kids that started working in finance about a year ago. He seems nice enough, and as a middle-aged married dork with kids you’re totally jealous of the fact that he’s living the life you possessed less recently than you’d care to admit: shares a big loft in the city with three college buddies, makes good money (that’s all his), never misses a happy hour, works out every day, the bosses look at him whenever they make one of their “was anyone in here not born yet when _____ happened?!” jokes. In short, the job and thousands of hours in a small cubicle haven’t yet crushed his spirit.

Kid’s your best player, too. But it’s kind of by default. The VP that played with you guys is always away on business, and your clean-up hitter blew his knee out moving. He has some pop, can run really well, but is just, well, gangly and kind of awkward. And you’re not sure he’s ever really paying any attention.

Shane Victorino
Shane Victorino is still dives-too-much-guy. It’s uncanny how he has never changed. It’s almost as if nothing is capable of altering the player or the person. He still cannot pay attention, still doesn’t really know the rules, still is too quick to chirp at the other team, and is still fascinated by, well, everything else that’s happened around him. He’s taken Pence under his wing, and you’re not sure whether it’s sweet or frightening.

John Mayberry
His first at bat he held the bat cross-handed and didn’t know what the ump meant when he said that he used his courtesy. “Wait, I struck out? I only counted two.” He sure as poop looks the part, though. Rumor has it his dad defected from Panama and was on the Eagles back in the day or something.

U mad, bro?

Kyle Kendrick
Oh my god this guy. First of all, the only reason they ever hired him is because he was the President’s daughter’s boyfriend. Second, he stinks. Third, he stinks at his job, too, only he still got an iPad and chairs meetings and was given the lead on the proposal development for that big contract BECAUSE NOW HE’S THE PRESIDENT’S SON-IN-LAW. Then you walked by his office (of course he has an office with a window, duh) and saw the above picture of him and his way-out-of-his-league fiancee and you swore to God right then and there that you were probably going to push him down a flight of stairs. And with the team captain being a giant butt-kisser, this doof gets to bat 6th despite the fact that he’s never hit a ball within thirty feet of the fences. Also also, he’s afraid to change at the field and walks through the office in his uniform like he’s the Mickey Mantle or some poop. God I hate him.

Juan Pierre
True story you don’t know whether he’s the toughest guy on your team or the wimpiest and you think he’s fast but he may actually be really slow and you don’t know how old he is but I mean he feels like he’s good? Maybe not, maybe he stinks? Should he lead-off or hit eighth? There is seemingly no middle ground? You’re almost certain he’s awful. Wait, he’s hitting .685? No.

"I'll be fine, bat me third."

Placido Polanco
Dude shows up the first game of the season and people are happy to see him, because he’s been with the company for years (been in the industry even longer, left your company for a bit but came back and is even still fully vested in the pension and everything). Only when he gets to the field, he tells you that he threw his shoulder out and can’t really throw or hit, but “still feels fine and am ready to go”. And you’re like, “dude that’s rough- you wanna play first?” And he’s all, “no way man I’m fine.” And you’re like, “I thought you said you couldn’t throw.” And he’s all, “man, not like that!” And you’re like, “wait what”. And he’s all, “you know what I mean”.

Secretly you don’t, but you don’t want to tick him off because you like and respect him but for serious you’re totally confused and he could hardly play catch in warmups but ends up batting third and goes 2-11 in your first double-header and leaves 15 men on base and afterwards he’s all, “good burn- we’ll be fine, boys” and you’re like, “wait what”.

Freddy Galvis

What is this kid, like 12?! Where did he even come from? Is he an intern? Someone’s kid just around for the summer maybe? Despite his youth and the fact that you really have no idea who he is, Galvis can ball--at least in the field... He quickly supplanted Pete Orr as your shortstop and is flat out spectacular ranging in all directions. And you’re very happy about this, because well, his offense is like watching a trainwreck in slow motion over and over again. First he was scolded by the umpire for attempting a drag bunt in your first game against Innotec, and now it’s two months into the season and you’re not sure if he’s cleared the infield with a base hit. You’re willing to live with this for the time being because he’s young and a total dynamo up the middle, but you’re not sure how long you’ll be able to take it. Also, can you even kick a guy off the team if he doesn’t work for your company?

Carlos Ruiz
Wait a second, maybe the shortstop is his cousin or something! You remember them saying something about temporary warehouse guys. But back to “Chooch”- what a revelation! When he first joined the team he was kind of just another body, but now he’s one of your best bats. Only he still looks kind of out of place and nobody can understand a word he says so you still hit him seventh every game. Also, moving him to clean-up would probably signal to everyone how bad things really have gotten. Even Arron-Hiltey HVAC has a legit clean-up hitter.

Vance Worley
Ever since you lost old man Moyer to that arm injury and his subsequent promotion to the Colorado office (where they send all the old heads to live out the golden years), you weren’t sure how you’d find the trick pitch ace need to obtain your first league championship since 2008. Then one night last season you’re practicing with the other rag tags and this dude walks in with his brohawk and garish Rec Specs and starts dropping 12 foot knuckle balls, curveballs (seriously, how did he make a softball curve?), front door screwballs to lefties, and all kinds of stuff you’d never even seen before. It was love at first sight. And thank God, because your offense has flat out stunk for two years now. You have no idea what Worley even does at your company, but you suspect he works a night shift.

wait what

Chad Qualls
Dude seriously has to “reply-to-all” to every single game-day attendance poll with a Drudge Report link about how Obama is secretly trying to get rid of the armed forces or some crackpot theory about how the Democrats are trying to impose the New World Order on America's sheeple. And nobody ever replies to him or takes the bait, yet when you get to the field he’s all, “hey, did you guys see that link I sent?”

Chase Utley
Utley is still the VP/best player on the team/guy whose life you want, only he’s been to like six games in the last two years because he’s always on travel or going to exclusive business development events at the Four Seasons in Bora Bora and crap like that. Which is cool, I mean, there’s more to life than softball, but you’re kind of counting on him and if he’s not going to play then maybe it’s just better to look for a new guy? Oh who are we kidding, we still love him.