Zoo With Roy

Advice for the 2013 Graduates

2013-05-24T10:27:00.002-04:00

Dear Graduates,

For you, on this special day (and including those of you who graduated last weekend, or whatever), I’d like to take some time to impart wisdom I’ve learned in my own years since graduation. Is it cliche? Sure! Is it easy content for a bolg on a holiday weekend? YOU BETCHA.

But hopefully you’ll find some pearls that will aid you as you enter the next, likely much less enjoyable, phases of your life. So sit back, relax, and try not to think about the crushing amount of student loan debt that’s already putting you at a disadvantage.

If you’re graduating from college, pretty much all the fun in your life is over. I’m sorry, but I owe it to you to be blunt. You’ll still have the weekends, though!

Actually, go to grad school (non-MBA, unless you can get into a top 10 school). Like, open a new browser window and start applying to UCLA, Northwestern, and Stanford RIGHT NOW. Focus on location and alumni networks.

If you can at all afford it (and probably even if you can’t), go on some epic trip with your friends. Also take a lot of pictures of yourself in exotic locales wearing ZWR apparel, and send them to you favorite bolging penguin.
Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life! Hahaha that’s crap. Doesn’t exist. But if you can pull that off, you’ll also probably be very poor and therefore all alone, but still. It probably beats sitting in a cubicle, slaving your life away to make other people rich.
Read zoowithroy.com everyday, multiple times a day. Especially if you work in a cubicle, slaving your life away to make other people rich.
Don’t get a part-time MBA unless your work pays for 100% of it.
I’m just saying, tending bar in the Caribbean isn’t the worst thing a 22 year old could do for a year or two. I took a job with some a**hat “e-commerce” jawn after I graduated school and it did nothing for my career at all, and stunk going to every day. I’d have much rather spent those years in a place that looked like this.
10-15 years from now you’ll be buying a minivan, so make sure you go USED. You’ll just have to trust me on this one.

Ball. Out.
Speaking of cars, NEVER pay for the stupid fluid changes they try and scam you on at the dealership. Who cares if your transmission fluid is dirty! I’m sure it’ll be fine. Besides, what does the transmission even do?
If you move away from the Philly area, make sure you’re known as “the obnoxious Philadelphia sports fan” in your neighborhood/office/church/battalion. It’s better to be that than the spineless, turncoat scab pig who starts rooting for the Redskins because “My wife and her whole family is from DC, bro!”
If your boss asks you to put your work email on your iPhone/Samsung Droid Razor 7G, ask him (or her!) where the cell phone reimbursement forms are on the portal.
NEVER buy tickets to a playoff game from a scalper outside Citizens Bank Park, even if they “look real”. That said, sucks for you we only made the playoffs when you were in college. SICK BURN!
Everything in moderation. This is probably the key to life in general, unless it’s the weekend and we’re talking about booze.
Granite countertops are an important feature for the resale of your home. Bathrooms and kitchens, kid.
On the topic of homes, live at home with your parents as long as they’ll tolerate it. I’m talking up to and possibly including your first year of married life. Save your money. Chances are you won’t be able to find a good job and will have to do this anyway, but even after you’ve landed that sweet gig at Accenture and you’re traveling all over the Northeast and Mid-Atlantic to implement client solutions every week, stay at home until they kick you out. Then when they do, you’ll have enough saved for a large down payment, potentially enough to avoid PMI, which will crush your spirit because it just seems like a scam.
Never wear sunscreen. No one will tell you this, but it’s probably more important that your body synthesizes essential Vitamin D through sun exposure than it is to avoid the occasional sunburn. Just don’t be stupid about it and you’ll be fine. Of course I’m just an idiot with a bolg so you probably shouldn’t take health tips from me.
I will close with the best advice a man ever gave me (my baseball coach when I was 15), and that is: “Think, hustle and have fun. See you out there.”

Comparing Pete Orr and Michael Martinez

2013-05-24T08:43:00.000-04:00

With Chase Utley headed to the disabled list, the Phils faced a decision: who to call up to fill the utility infielder role? Conventional wisdom had it down to two options- Michael Martinez and Pete Orr. Here's ZWR's analytical analysis analyzing the situation (analytically):

OFFENSE

Orr:
With a career OPS of .621, Orr clearly surpasses Martinez's output (yeah, think on that). In the small sample/what have you done for me lately department, Orr hit .315 for the Phils in 57 plate appearances in 2012.

Martinez:

Michael Martinez is dead.

DEFENSE

Orr: Orr has played many positions over the course of his career, both in the infield and outfield. His numbers aren't terrible, but I'm not going to lie- I don't understand anything about baseball defensive stats. But I think he's pretty good.

Martinez:

Michael Martinez is dead.

SPEED

Orr: You'd think this wouldn't be an advantage for Orr, as he's (a) white and (b) Canadian, but he's actually quite swift. Pete had seasons of 25, 19, and 18 stolen bases (with three more in excess of 15) in AAA.

Martinez:

Michael Martinez is dead.

INTANGIBLES

Orr: Once walked into the middle of a sausage race (so charmingly Canadian!):

Martinez:

Michael Martinez is dead.

THE DECISION

Naturally, the dead guy.

HATE MAIL

2013-05-23T12:33:00.000-04:00

It took a few months, but they found me. I don't know how, frankly. It took just the right person with just the right combination of seething, misplaced rage, low-functioning lateral thinking skills and lack of satirical detection abilities. But he found me. And for that, today we rejoice.

Behold, an email I received this morning from a gentleman, in response to yesterday's completely absurd and self-deprecating "Health Tips for Ryan Howard" article for Philly.com.

Enter AngryFace McGee:

Yo whoever you're hiding behind your phony name and computer. What a classless piece of garbage you conjured up today. Here's what you ought to do, go right to Howard's face and repeat this b.s. You have no clue what Ryan Howard does to with his body or puts in his body but yet you think that your wise-assed disrespectful nonsense has any validity? I guess i could have stopped at you have no clue though huh pal? I guess we can expect to read about how Chase Utley could stay on the field more and actually be productive as opposed to the myth that people like you create for him if he were to curtail his drinking right? No way. You clowns are too busy lighting candles for him and making up excuses for his poor play. Rule number one of the local media, never speak ill of golden boy Chase Utley but take every cheap shot you can at Howard and Jimmy Rollins. But I digress. Once again have the stones to say this garbage to the man's face little fella. I guess it's much esier to hide behind an alias and a computer though isn't it? You should be ashamed of yourself.

Glorious. This guy totally gets it. I may print a copy of this and mail it up the basement steps to my Mom.

Haircut Party!!!

2013-05-23T11:20:00.000-04:00

Always on hand to break the big scoops, Philly.com producer and The Fightins ace reporter Justin reported yesterday that Freddy Galvis, John Mayberry, Jr., and Ben Revere stopped in (along with Marcell Ozuna) to get haircuts at Miami's Original Headz Up Barber Shop while in town to play the fish. I think you'll find their choices tasteful and stylish.

5/22/13 vs. Marlins - One Sentence Game Recap

2013-05-23T09:32:00.003-04:00

"Cliff Lee threw a three-hit, complete game shutout and had two singles... whatever."

There Was Just a Butt on TV During the Phillies Game (Warning: Butt Pics (Srsly))

2013-05-22T20:38:00.002-04:00

Dude I know South Beach is supposed to be crazy and all but it's the ballpark, people. YEESH. Have some dignity!

BUTT PICS from the Marlins FOX Sports (family values, eh?) broadcast after the jump don't click if you don't want to see a BUTT please thank you.

Dude is that a butt?

Yup, a butt.

You Cannot Silence "Craigslist Phils Date Girl"!

2013-05-22T13:42:00.000-04:00

Nice try Natitards:

Way to fail at the SICK BURN, dcist:

"Jonathan Pettibone is a 22-year-old rookie who while good, is no Matt Harvey, or even Jordan Zimmermann. And, if one overlooks the tepid run support, Stephen Strasburg is having a better season, too."

But here's the thing: as always, we'll win. We're simply cooler than you. Your favorite penguin has been in extensive, hilarious, wait what-iest contact with Craigslist Phils Date Girl (context here) and has some updates for everyone:

1. She rules. Srsly, I love her.
2. She preliminarily has dates for all three games lined up.
3. She's going to post EXCLUSIVE DATE RECAPS to I Want to Go to the Zoo with Roy Halladay-- the worlds foremost bolg about wanting to go to the zoo with Phillies pitcher Roy Halladay (follow us online at zoowithroy.com).

Here, in CPDG's own words. Email One:

"Once you posted it, I got some ones that fit the fargling bill. Basically now I have a shortlist of 8 dream men that I have to figure out how to pencil them into the games this weekend. I also got some messages of support from Philly fans (Editor's Note: Because Phillies fans get it), and a bunch of stupid irrelevant stuff like 'Natstown is our house b****' (Editor's Note: Because Nats fans are idiots), 'Why don't you support a real team like the Yankees?', and 'Don't you mean Jonathan Pappelbon?' (which I believe was said in earnest).

Some moron commented on the WaPo 'let's spam this girl!', but luckily that hasn't happened.

I think when I get home tonight I am going to look through all the responses and figure out a game plan of how I can spread like 8 hot bros out over 3 games. On the bright side, it looks like I found an awesome crew here in DC to hang out with and watch future games with. I did this more for the hell of it, not to actually find my soul mate, but I think I came out with a lot of solid potential friends to watch sports with, which I was not expecting.

Again, I'm happy to work with you and you'll be the only blog (sic) I talk to, but I just really really do not want my name/picture or any other personal info that's not already in the craigslist ad attached to this. But I'm sure you can come up with some clever ideas of how to post an update!"

Email Two:

"P.S. In the event that f I do find love this weekend, I am going to ask you to officiate the wedding which will be held at Citizens Bank Park."

Email Three:

"Tonight I am going to vet the responses and reply to ones I deem worthy, and figure out if I would want to meet any in person. Most people seem like they are interested in having some beers, laughs, and hating on Bryce Harper, not actually looking to hook up off of Craigslist. I already have at least one friend who will be going to each game with me, and I would only meet up with anyone on Craigslist inside the ballpark, so I figure my chances of getting murdered are pretty average."

Email Four:

"K cool!!! I'm presently trying to work out the logistics of going to 3 games in 3 days with 3 diff hottiez who I have never met before all while trying to pretend I'm doing work today. Hoping to lock my suitors in by tonight.

I entered data on these bros into a spreadsheet, and I essentially get paid to screw around with spreadsheets all day, so thankfully the boss lady doesn't suspect a thing yet."

Email Just Now:

"I am giddy with anticipation!!! As an update: I've 'popped the question' to 2 bros (one for Sunday, one for Sat), but I have like a zillion on the back-burner if those don't work out. YOU ALREADY ARE A HERO, Z!"

And there you have it, kids. Stay tuned for the sparkling conclusion.

Health Tips for Ryan Howard

2013-05-22T13:30:00.000-04:00

In my ongoing effort to enrage the commentors on Philly.com, I wrote this article for the good people over at Philly.com today. Go ahead, give it a read. But in case you're too lazy to click the link from two sentences ago or click this link here, I went ahead and gave you a little snippet:

Exercise.

This is key. We have this fitness center in my office that I’ve been taking advantage of recently. I imagine the Phillies have some elliptical machines? If so, jump on one. My favorite course is “Hills Interval”. Man, that thing gets the blood flowing. And you’re moving your arms while getting a good burn on the lower half. This might even help that knee and Achilles out, in addition to cutting some poundage. I’ve dropped two pounds since the beginning of May and I feel great. Twenty-five minutes on one of those bad boys with a three-minute cool down and you’ll notice a big difference in no time. You’re welcome.

Thus far everyone loves it!

At least he admits that I'm a JOURNALIST.

The Phillies in Bobby Brown's "Every Little Step" Video

2013-05-22T10:46:00.000-04:00

Because everything about that idea is perfect and right with the world.

"Right Ted? We outta here."

5/21/13 vs. Marlins - One Sentence Game Recap

2013-05-22T08:30:00.000-04:00

"Delmon Young hit a homerun (WHATTUP PITCHES), the Phillies beat the Marlins exactly how you're supposed to beat the Marlins, and the Sixers got the 11th pick (lol) in the NBA draft."

Mike Ehrmann/Getty

Yo - Somebody Go on a Date With this Girl's Friend

2013-05-21T09:37:00.002-04:00

I know this is probably a bad idea but I can't help myself I love being a matchmaker besides who doesn't like to go to baseball games and drink beer it can't hurt I mean what else are you doing that's better playing Call of Duty online with your old frat buddies?

The link: BOOM (Note: She's no "butterbod", and she says "standard deviation" and "douchebaggery" in the same sentence.)

I'm a 23 y/o female Phildelphia fan in search of a male companion to go to the Phillies/Nats series with me this weekend.

I'll buy your ticket, and you can pay me back by buying me a beer every few innings or so (okay, probably it'll be more like every inning). We will bond our over our shared love of Philly sports, argue about how many Cy Young awards Jonathan Pettibone will win in the next decade, heckle Jayson Werth, and maybe even share our musings on what the Chip Kelly era will look like if we're feeling intimate. We'll see where the game goes as the beer hits, and no matter where we sit we can make it into our own 700 level.

Seriously go read the whole thing

UPDATE:

MKD's friend's search for love has made the Washington Post.

I love it when a plan comes together

Esotericky Bottalico Weighs In On Last Night's Game

2013-05-21T09:00:00.000-04:00

5/20/13 vs. Marlins - One Sentence Game Recap

2013-05-21T08:11:00.001-04:00

"In front of a ravenous crowd of seventeen people, the Phils fell to the Marlins 5-1."

Aroldis Chapman's Binge Eating Fails to Impress

2013-05-20T15:40:00.001-04:00

As ~~basically everyone~~ ONLY SPIKE ESKIN is reporting, Aroldis Chapman may or may not have eaten 18 pastries that were provided to him by Phillies Spanish-language broadcaster Rickie Ricardo. Putting aside the debate as to whether or not that is appropriate behavior from a professional athlete, or if it could have affected his play, you have to admit that's pretty impressive, right? Right?

Super Pumped Marlins Fan Guy Is Psyched For Tonight!!!

2013-05-20T13:47:00.002-04:00

We all love Super Pumped Marlins Fan Guy (aka @anostro). Well, it's no surprise that he's pretty pumped for tonight's game. Here, check it:

The Walkoff (NBA JAM @BenRevere9 edition)

2013-05-20T12:09:00.000-04:00

Click to Humongify

5/19/13 vs. Reds - One Sentence Game Recap

2013-05-20T08:22:00.001-04:00

"The Phillies wonned on back-to-back home runs off of Aroldis Chapman by Eric Kratz and Freddy Galvis after Cliff Lee got picked off first while pinch running for Delmon Young after his four-pitch walk."

5/18/13 vs. Reds - One Sentence Game Recap

2013-05-19T15:01:00.001-04:00

"Fart noise."

Ron Cortes, Philly.Com

5/17/13 vs. Reds - One Sentence Game Recap

2013-05-18T13:41:00.000-04:00

"We won an awesome game and Tug made this awesome GIF."

ZWR In the Wild- Macho Row Edition

2013-05-18T08:30:00.000-04:00

I actually have a buttload of In the Wild pics to post, but ZWR enthusiast Rich's tweeted-ed out photo had to take precedence, as it features a member (and leader) of the 1993 National League Champion Phillies.

Woot yes please it's the weekend and life is goooooooooood!!!

I Was on @CSNPhilly's Lunch Break Again Today With @RheaHughes

2013-05-17T13:11:00.000-04:00

I appeared on CSN's Lunch Break again today, so you should all watch it.

Topics include: Roy Halladay (duh), The Hindendurb, John Chaney, MEDIUM BALLS, the Dietz and Watson family of fine deli meats, Rhea's shirt/accesory combination, Mike Adams being devoured by a tiger, penguin analytics, pink shirts, Roy's favorite lunch spot in Newtown Square, Me being the COO of Comcast Sportsnet soon, Chip Kelly's smoothie formula, Michael Vick and Joseph Stalin.

It was an action-packed 10 minutes and 12 seconds:

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If the video doesn't display above, click here.

TURKEYPIG MEETS PENGUIN

2013-05-17T08:48:00.000-04:00

You guys know the Eric Kratz commercials, right? That's right- the ones for Godshall's Quality Meats! Well yesterday I poked a little fun at the Pensnylvania-rooted third generation family run meat business with this adorbs pic from the Chase Utley Casino Night:

Original Photo by ZWR staff photographer @pompomflipflop

And they, pretty much immediately, countered with this gem:

Awesome, right? There really isn't any point to this story; I just like people who "get it". So go out and buy like fifteen cases of turkey bacon and CANADIAN turkey bacon and turkroll and turkey sausage and whatever else strikes your fancy because at some point in time an employee of this fine, thriving business said, "Okay, I really need to take some time to focus and photoshop the penguin on a golf course eating turkey bacon and holding a seven iron to post on Twitter."

BREAKING ZWR EXCLUSIVE: Roy Is Okay!!!!!

2013-05-16T13:03:00.000-04:00

ZWR sources are reporting that Roy Halladay came through his surgery successfully!!! Here, see for yourselves:

This is undoubtedly good news. Though I find it hard to believe it'll take HLHIII six to eight weeks to get back into the swi...

WAIT

WHAT'S THAT?

Even more ZWR sources out in Cali are reporting that, well, I'll just let you see this for yourselves:

The Phillies as Characters from Baseball Movies

2013-05-16T10:36:00.002-04:00

The Phillies as Characters from Baseball Movies

by Little Brian McCardle

Roy Halladay is Henry Rowengartner from Rookie of the Year

Roy Halladay has dominated baseball for a long time. An eight-time All-Star, two-time Cy Young winner, a perfect game in 2010, and a no-hitter in his first-ever playoff start. Not to mention over 2,000 career strikeouts that led to just as many (if not more) broken faces. The city has been enamored with his professionalism and work ethic since he came to town in 2010. He was the inspiration for the world's greatest and most awesomest bolg in the universe (duh).

Seriously, who doesn't like Harry Leroy Halladay III? If you know someone who doesn't, go pour a hot bowl of soup down their pants. Seriously, I'll wait ... (checks watch) ... (eats a cheesy gordita crunch and lives mas) ... OK, back from the soup pouring? Good.

To get to the point, Halladay has been one of, who are we kidding, THE best pitcher in baseball for some time now. Much like how Henry Rowengartner dominated fools in the movie Rookie of the Year after he broke his arm and it morphed into a rocket launcher. Henry went along doing his best Doc impersonation in the big leagues until he rolled on a baseball, fell to the ground, and the tendons in his arm snapped back into place. He simply lost his mojo.

As sad as it is to say, Roy Halladay has lost his mojo. But you know what? Henry was still able to record the final three outs with the help of the hidden ball trick and a solid floating underarm pitch. The kid was still able to produce despite losing what made him who he was throughout the movie. Halladay has been struggling for the past year, but who is to stay he can't find other ways to get it done? If Henry and the BUTT SNIFFIN’ CUBS were able to get World Series rings, the hardest working guy in baseball should get one too. Don't worry, he'll pull a "Rowengartner" once he’s back.

Jimmy Rollins is Willie Mays Hayes from Major League

Just to be clear, I’m talking about Wesley Snipes' Oscar-worthy performance in the original film. (“Don't you guys go anywhere. I plan to put on a hitting display.") Not that dweeb Omar Epps from the second movie.

Willie Mays Hayes oozed confidence. The guy had swagger for days. The same can and should be said about Jimmy Rollins. Hayes had a penchant for stealing bases, and I bet a young Rollins also nailed batting gloves to a wall in his house for each base he swiped.

Rollins also, like Hayes, tries to hit for power when he should probably use his speed to leg out grounders. And what does it often lead to? A stuuupid popup. The only difference is Rollins jogs it out instead of plopping down for a set of push-ups. Charlie Manuel should take a page out of Lou Brown's book and make Rollins hit the dirt following an easy out.

Kyle Kendrick is Smalls from The Sandlot

At the beginning of The Sandlot, Smalls is pretty lost when it comes to baseball. "I thought you meant the Great Bambi," he famously said during a conversation about "The Great Bambino" Babe Ruth. He also, literally, kept his eye on the ball when having a catch with his step-dad which led to a big slab of beef to the face to hold off swelling around his eye. But after Benny Franklin Rodriguez perfectly places a well-hit ball into Smalls' glove, the little dude is one of the gang. And for the rest of the movie he is a pretty good baseball player. Like... WHAT?! That's it?

For a good portion of his career, Kyle Kendrick has been, metaphorically speaking, holding a slab of beef around his eye to prevent swelling. He's shown signs of being a solid major-league pitcher, but he's also looked like Smalls trying to throw a baseball for the first time.

Around the 2012 All-Star break, Kendrick must have had a Smalls-catching-Benny-the-Jet's-fly-ball-like moment because he's been a pretty darn good pitcher since. Seriously, like... WHAT?! Kyle Kendrick?

Kyle Kendrick is Mel Clark from Angels in the Outfield

Seriously, is Kyle Kendrick getting help from angels like Tony Danza's character, Mel Clark, in Angels in the Outfield? I mean, KY-LE KEN-DRICK is the most consistent starting pitcher for the Phillies right now? (pounds head against keyboard)

Michael Young is Gil Renard from The Fan

Roberto De Niro plays a murdering, kidnapping maniac named Gil Renard in The Fan. When Michael Young signed with the Phillies he, well…

… looked like a serial killer.

Ruben Amaro Jr. is Billy Heywood from Little Big League

When Billy Heywood’s grandfather dies in Little Big League, he leaves Billy the Minnesota Twins. As owner, Billy quickly runs into problems with the team’s manager and fires him. The search for a new manager goes awry because apparently NO ONE wants to work for a preteen, so the smug little punk ends up making himself manager. The 11-year-old even tells the players, guys who have been playing baseball their whole lives, that if they listen to him and don’t get any better (smug cloud rolls over), he will resign.

Heywood makes a few good moves. He makes a few bad moves. Trials, tribulations, blah blah blah. The Twins ends up in a one-game playoff for a Wild Card spot but lose to the Mariners. Little Billy ends up resigning as manager because it’s what is best for him and the team.

Ruben Amaro Jr. became general manager of the Phillies after former GM Pat Gillick stepped aside following the team’s World Series win. Amaro served as the club’s assistant GM for 10 years, so he didn’t exactly fall into the job. But the general smugness of Amaro is where he is similar to Heywood.

Amaro has made some pretty great moves since becoming general manager (i.e. signing Roy Halladay [duh], trading for Cliff Lee [twice], locking up Cole Hamels). He has also made some pretty bad ones (i.e. Ryan Howard’s contract extension, Chad Qualls, Hunter Pence, trading away Cliff Lee). Throughout everything, as the team has gotten worse and worse, Amaro’s smugness has remained, if not grown.

Cliff Lee is Kelly Leak from The Bad News Bears

Whatever.

Ryan Howard is Marla Hooch from A League of Their Own

The first time we see Marla Hooch in A League of Their Own, she’s crushing the ball during her tryout. Midway through, she proves she can switch hit and blasts away from the other side of the plate. Ryan Howard may not be able to switch hit, but the first time we saw him he was destroying the ball. Howard hit 22 homers in 88 games and won Rookie of the Year in 2005. The following season, he crushed 58 on his way to an MVP award. And while his numbers have been on the decline, the guy can still put the ball in the second deck from time to time.

Another similarity between Hooch and Howard is they are both hitched. Marla meets her hubby, Nelson, when the ladies sneak off to a bar during a road trip. She drunkenly sings her way into his heart. (“It had to be youuuu…”) Howard tied the knot with Krystle Campbell, a former Eagles cheerleader (yeah, Ry Ry!), in December 2012. And I’m not entirely sure he didn’t meet her by drunkenly serenading her in a bar. I mean, he has been known to belt out the occasional tune.

Chase Utley is Roy Hobbs from The Natural

Both Roy Hobbs and Chase Utley are natural born baseball players with careers marred by injury. At the rip age of 20, Hobbs leaves his family's farm for his first big-league tryout in Chicago. His dream of becoming the best baseball player of all-time gets shattered when some crazy lady shoots him in the gut. Sixteen years later, he gets a second chance with the New York Knights. After riding the bench for a few weeks, Hobbs gets thrown into a game (AGAINST THE PHILLIES, ZOMG!) to pinch-hit for Mr. Blonde from Reservoir Dogs and ends up literally tearing the cover off the ball on his way to a triple.

Hobbs gets another curve ball (baseball pun!) thrown his way when upper management poisons him because he won’t help them throw the season. Despite all that’s happened to him, Roy manages to come back for the final game of a playoff series. The Knights win the game, and the pennant, after Hobbs smashes a two-out, three-run homer in the bottom of the ninth that knocks out all of the lights in the building.

In Chase Utley’s first major league start he walked up to the plate, ran his hand through his hair, and crushed a grand slam. OK, the hair part might be a lie but the grand slam happened. Like Hobbs, he made his presence felt in a big way during his first big-league game. The second baseman has been making his presence felt ever since.

Utley may not have gotten shot or poisoned, but he once broke his hand and has been battling knee problems for years. This season, Chase has come back and shown us that, despite those whack knees, he is still one of the best players in baseball.

Besides all of that, Utley and Hobbs are both a hit with the ladies. (/cues Kashmir)

Cole Hamels is Ryan Dunne from Summer Catch

Ryan Dunne is a hotheaded Southpaw plagued with self-doubt in Summer Catch. He constantly lets others get into his head and affect his game. At one point in the season, he even gets into a bar fight with a teammate. But he goes on to land a total hottie in Tenley Parrish, played by Justin Timberlake’s pusher love girl Jessica Biel, and eventually learns to control his self-sabotaging ways. In the end, Dunne scores a contract with the Batavia Muckdogs, a (now former) minor league affiliate of the Philadelphia Phillies. Holy butt! That is basically the life story of Cole Hamels.

Hamels is a hotheaded Southpaw who got into a bar fightin 2005. He struggled mentally during an inconsistent 2009 season and just happens to be a homegrown Phillies product. Plus, he landed a total hottie in his wife Heidi. (Way to go, Colbert!)

One thing we know for certain, Cole Hamels gives abetter interview than Ryan Dunne ever would.

Erik Kratz is Rube Baker from Major League II

In Major League II, new catcher Rube Baker has trouble adjusting to life in the majors. He is sensitive and, at times, pretty clueless. He becomes the starter after troublesome Jack Parkman gets traded to the White Sox. Rube struggles at first, especially when it comes to throwing the ball back to the pitcher. With the help of mentor Jake Taylor, Baker overcomes his problem by reciting lines from a Playboy magazine and a Frederick's of Hollywood catalog.

Phillies backup catcher Erik Kratz, like Baker, fell into the role of starter after Major League Baseball slapped Carlos Ruiz with a 50-game suspension. Kratz seems sensitive and, at times, pretty clueless. Just check out some of the commercials he has made.

And I’m not saying the reason he is able to throw the ball back to the pitcher is because he’s reciting the ingredients to Godshalls Turkey Bacon, but I’m not exactly not saying it either.

Ben Revere is Air Bud from Air Bud: Seventh Inning Fetch

Ben Revere is fast. Like, really friggin’ fast. And he’s made some fantastic catches this season, including what will likely be the catch of the year. There are also those (no names mentioned) who have poked fun at Revere’s personality for being kind of all over the place. (To his credit, Revere thought it was hysterical and even Tweeted about it.)

The awesomely hilarious animation of Ben Revere meeting Cliff Lee made me think of Dug from Up. Dug doesn’t play baseball, but Air Bud did. And he’s fast. Like really friggin’ fast. And makes awesome catches, just like Revere. Then the poor dog gets kidnapped by an evil raccoon. (Seriously, go watch this movie.) Hopefully Revere keeps an eye out for evil raccoons.

Charlie Manuel is Jack Elliot from Mr. Baseball

In 1992, Tom Selleck’s glorious mustache made an appearance in Mr. Baseball. Selleck played Jack Elliot, an aging baseball player who ends up being traded to a team in Japan. After some time, he finds success at the plate and helps his team win the pennant. In the end, Jack returns to Major League Baseball as a coach. Sound familiar?

Charlie Manuel’s baseball career took off when he left the United States to play in Japan. After a successful career overseas, which included a few pennants and an MVP award, Manuel returned to the U.S. and eventually began a career as a manager.

In 2005, Manuel started his first season as manager of the Phillies. Three years later, he would lead the team to their first World Series championship in 28 years.

But in all honesty, Manuel made this list because I was curious to see him in a Selleck-esque mustache.

(As a sidebar, here's Inquirer Phillies beat writer Matt Gelb with a mustache.)

Delmon Young is the kid from the Pizza Hut commercial that plays before the original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie

He plays right field and loves Pizza Hut. No further explanation necessary.

“Off in the distance, the game’s dragging on. There’s strikes on the batters. Some runners are on. Then suddenly everyone’s looking at me. My mind has been wondering ‘what could it be?’ They point to the sky and I look up above, and a baseball falls into my glove. I play right field. It’s important, you know? You gotta know how to catch. You gotta know how to throw. That’s why I play in right field, way out where the dandelions grow.”

HEY SPEAKING OF CATCHES: Don't forget to snag the ***Delmon Young shirt*** you've been waiting your whole stupid life for!!!

Added Bonus:

Domonic Brown as Isuro Tanaka in Major League II

Because this and this.

Roy Halladay Surgery Update

2013-05-16T08:06:00.001-04:00

ZWR sources on the scene in Los Angeles report that Doc came through yesterday's surgery swimmingly. In fact, I hinted at this last night on the Twitter.

Unfortunately, there is some sad news to report. Shortly after the procedure was completed, Michael Martinez passed away due to complications. As such, his status is still "still dead".