Zoo With Roy

Photoshops, featuring Papelbon Jovi and Ilya Bryzgalov

2012-02-24T09:11:00.003-05:00

Okay look sometimes these things just happen and you don't know how or why but you just roll with it and hope that it ends up becoming a permanent thing and that come April your new highest paid closer is running out to a track off of Slippery When Wet.

Introducing Papelbon Jovi:

h/t Craney

I don't even know

Tommy's got his six string in hocckkkkkkkk

h/t Craney

Feel free to submit your own Papelbon Jovi photoshop to zoowithroy -at- gmail -dot- com, because if there's one thing I love more than hilarious photoshops it's free and easy content.

Bonus!
I posted these to Twitter last night and people seemed to like them, so here you go:

Bryz as a Russian space cadet:

Bryz as that Trololo guy:

LAVS, WHAT DID YOU THINK OF TODAY'S BOLG POST?

Thanks! I thought so, too.

Spring (Face-) Break 2012

2012-02-23T08:56:00.001-05:00

I made one of these last year, loved it, so I did it again. YAY TEAM.

Click here for full gloriousness

Roy Halladay Breaks Silence on Amazonian Anaconda Heroics

2012-02-21T14:09:00.001-05:00

Earlier today Roy finally sat down to discuss his heroic offseason, and naturally the MOST IMPORTANT thing that everyone wanted to talk about was when he rescued a naked Amazonian man from a giant anaconda, a story broken right here by yours truly (*breathes on fingernails, rubs them on shoulder*) an entire month after it actually happened.

Roy goes on to say that more people have asked him about wrestling a snake (he CLAIMS he didn't actually wrestle it, but I think we all know otherwise) than his perfect game or playoff no-hitter, and also calls the assembled beat writers donkeys for asking him about wrestling a snake in the offseason instead of baseball or going to the zoo.

Man, Roy is awesome.

Full video: here from The 700 Level via Comcast or whatever

LOL Phillies, Spring Training Smug Edition #2

2012-02-21T11:45:00.000-05:00

Photo by Yong Kim / Philadelphia Inquirer

LOL Phillies, Spring Training Edition #1

2012-02-21T09:59:00.003-05:00

Yong Kim / Philadelphia Inquirer

More to come later today

Thome/Howard GLOVEBUMP

2012-02-20T14:38:00.000-05:00

Dude I love when Spring Training gets here every picture makes me happy this one certainly did too enjoy kthnx...

(Original Photo: Yong Kim, Philly.com)

Edit: relevant update!
All ZWR tees 15% OFF $30 or more with the code "CLEARWOODER" at checkout. Tell a friend or seven!

Zolecki & Lawrence & Hale & Salisbury Create Post-Modern Twitter Art

2012-02-20T12:38:00.004-05:00

Over on his Posterous page, Pet Razor noticed an incredible bit of accidental (OR WAS IT?) synchronous Twitter art that was too good not to share on the bolg. IT'S SPRING TRAINING, FOLKS, AND THIS IS IMPORTANT.

And HEY! speaking of art, Sarge, at least it appears Ryan didn't take any cues my action figure gag this offseason. I mean, his foot is still attached and everything.

Camera phone grades:
Zolecki: B
Lawrence: B+
Hale: C
Salisbury: D-

Spring Training Hype-Ometer, Week 1

2012-02-20T11:16:00.002-05:00

by Ryan "petzrawr" aka The Pet Razor

As you know, we're all about innovation here on the bolg. So here's ZWR's hype man Ryan with a new feature we like to call the Spring Training Hype-Ometer. Be sure to stay tuned to ZWR all spring training long as we continue to bring you the world's most face breakingest coverage of all the SERIOUS events taking place in Clearwooder.

Take it away, Ryan:

Holy crap, you guys. It’s finally here. You guys! IT’S HERE! IT’S SPRING TRAINING! And as you may be able to tell, I am pretty freakin’ hyped about it. It’s been kind of a rough week for me, so pitchers and catchers reporting couldn’t have come at a better time. Seeing actual baseball players on an actual baseball field is like seeing an old friend for the first time in a long time. It just makes me feel good. So, so good you guys. I am pretty freakin’ hyped.

I’d be hyped just because, you know? But then Roy Halladay rolls up to the Carpenter Complex in a roadster he restored this off-season (Editor's note: on top of wrestling anacondas... no big deal.)? GTFO. I can’t even handle that picture. LOOK AT THAT SMILE!

I could look at pictures of the team working out all day. And I have been. Because it’s the 2012 Philadelphia Phillies, you guys. We’re so close. It’s almost here.

Man, you know what I just realized? I’m so hyped for pitchers and catchers reporting that I haven’t even had time to get hyped for my own trip down to Clearwater in March. I’m so freakin’ hyped for some Scrapple Benedict and those baskets full of free pastries at Lenny’s. OH MAN! And drinking Yuenglings on the beach while scarfing down some grouper at Frenchy’s Rockaway. UGH. I am so hyped I can’t stand it!


I guess what I am trying to say here is that I am pretty freakin’ hyped for spring training, you guys.

Matt Gelb / Philadelphia Inquirer

Rhin-Oh No He Didn't

2012-02-17T09:00:00.002-05:00

Click it, yo

San Jose Sharks Bitten by #Linsanity

2012-02-16T11:39:00.001-05:00

In an effort to synergize the phenomena represented by Tim Tebow’s success in the NFL and that of recent NBA mega-story Jeremy Lin (namely, devout religious views and asynchronous ethnicity), the San Jose Sharks have announced the signing of Liberian-born left winger Ateso Ekwensi.

Ekwensi- pictured below cultivating his now-fervent love of Evangelical Christianity- will report initially to the AHL’s Worcester Sharks for a conditioning assignment. He is expected to be in the NHL in time for the Sharks playoff surge.

Happy Valentine's Day, From Fist-Pumping Cole Hamels

2012-02-14T14:58:00.004-05:00

Bolg reader "Steve" posted the following in the comments on today's previous post, and I felt the sentiment deserved to be shared for all to enjoy, rather than left as an un-hyperlinked afterthought. Thanks, Steve:

If you're new to the bolg and/or not familiar with this photo, you have a lot of catching up to do. (No seriously, read all those posts, they're awesome.)

Happy Valentine's day, everyone.

I Drew a Picture for Dontrelle Willis

2012-02-14T09:41:00.002-05:00

So last night Dontrelle Willis tweeted this:

Seems simple enough, right? And a bunch of you were all, "Get on it, Rick!" So I did. Only thing is I kind of just kept drawing random stuff (like him owning a game of Whack-A-Mole and flipping pizzas) and the file got bigger so it may not actually qualify as an avatard anymore.

I shan't be deterred, though, and want to share it here with all of you. Think of it as my Valentine's Day gift.

(I'm an idiot ... click for full-sized idiocy)

Charlie Goes On the Road to Scout Some Prospects

2012-02-10T12:04:00.002-05:00

By ZWR and Crane Kicker

Hey y’all thanks and stuff for coming with me and all to look at these prospects

NO PROBLEM CHARLIE I LOVE ROAD TRIPS BESIDES IT’S NEVER TOO EARLY TO GET A START ON THE FUTURE THESE GUYS COULD BE THE BUILDING BLOCKS OF THE FUTURE I LOVE LEGOS AND LINCOLN LOGS TOO THEY’RE FUNNY BECAUSE THEY’RE NOT REAL LOGS BUT BABY LOGS AND THEY OWN THE EAGLES STADIUM ALOHA JEREMY MACLIN HE’S FAST DID YOU KNOW THE NHL PRO BOWL IS IN HAWAII I’M FROM HAWAII MAHALO

Hey skip, isn’t it a little late for winter ball? We break camp in a few weeks...

Oh stop it already with that stuff this is serious business here ain’t got no time for campfires and snickersmores and ghost stories

Wait what ghosts?

Dammit not that kind like Casper don’t matter none because my point was …

You guys ever see that movie Ghost? So emotional. Whoopie Goldberg played such a great part.

Hoopie Goburng es my favorint.

Shocker... lemme guess...your favorite rapper is Da Brat?

Hey howchu kno dat? Yimmy chu stonp goeeng chroo my diary or I am telleeng Coach Monwell.

Y’all cut the crap now Martini you stop whinin and like Jimmy you stop readin his diorama. We gotta get goin!

Hey Martinez you know what your name kinda sounds like? It kinda sounds like “My Pe...”

CHU SHADDAP RIE NOW PAINT BORRELL.

Sick burn!

Hahaha relax bro. Where we headed anyway? They call me Ponce de Slay-on and I’ve never even explored these parts of the Dominican or Florida.

We’ve been in a car for four hours. How could we possibly … ?

Just woke up, bro. Just. Woke. Up.

No man we’re going to to see these kids for the draft combo vertical leaps and shuttle drills.

LOL, NEEDED. Your farm system is uglier than a New Haven co-ed before brunch.

Keep yappin, Spreadsheet.

I don’t even know what to say. Like the Phillies offseason, this trip has been a total abomination thus far. I’m surprised you didn’t pay Papelbon $76 million dollars to drive you in a Winnebago.

THEYYYY SEEE MEEEEE ROLLLLLLLLLINNNNNN...

KEEEEEITH HAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTTIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNN

Chu har a gud seenger Yonnatin. Do chu kno any song by Lauren Heell?

Bro - do you ONLY like entertainers who have dreadlocks???

No Yimmy... I lie Lenny Kravit...he’s my favorint weet de guitarra. He no haif a dreadlonk.

Why God? Why do I even bother trying anymore with these guys...?

Hey Martinez who’s your favorite football player? Mine is Tim Tebow.

Dais a tough wun... prolly say eeder Asantee Somwell orrrr maybeee Larry Feentzgerol.

Aight it’s the last time I’m saying this no more everyone we gotta get our minds right and start thinkin about these prospects - this is important. Ain’t no talkin bout football we gotta get our minds right for Indiana-apolis.

Oh good God he’s taking us to the NFL scouting combine.

Our other bus is behind us and stuff we’ll be there soon everyone focus.

99 bottles of beer on the wall! … are there any mermaids on that wall per chance? … what about nachos to go with the beer?… not HOPpening, Joe - hahahaha … EVERYONE be serious I’m the captain of this bus and our fifth starter derp

This place looks boring as nuts.... there better be a Hooters convention or something in that big top bubble otherwise the PB Max is jettin down to Bloomington for some “Hoosier Daddy” action.

You’re legitimately disgusting.

Shut it, Hoosierdome.

Alright like let’s get down to business here like I’m tryin to find some hidden gems like what I like to call like a “Snoozer” pick.

I like the way you think, Charlie. Sleepers... All about mid-round talent.

Big Red! I’m on a 6’2” 215 pounder from Villanova kid looks like a steal and can play the SAM, MIKE, and rush end. Oh and can I have a dollar to get some Rolos?

SHHHH! Not so loud Howie. We need to lay low on this guy. I heard the Giants were in on him. Probably will need to trade up to get him like we did with Brandon Graham.

I like graham crackers!

Hey now like what about that kid runnin over there he looks like a big bag of jello all jiggly the way he’s runnin and stuff haha yeah man I like his make-up. What round do you think he should go? I need like a power hitting guy off the bench.

You already have a big fat guy that can’t run. Through 2017, in fact. You’re welcome.

Not cool, bro.

Hmmm... let me crunch some numbers... gigantic... comes from a D-1 championship program... I dunno about this guy. Doesn’t fit our mold. I say he goes undrafted. Maybe we can stash him on the practice squad for a few years until he shrinks up.

Pipe down Rosenberg I’m not asking you to help me pick players besides if I was I’d talk to Andy he’s my buddy what with the coaching paternity and all with us and Lavioletti and Tom Collins.

I’m really high on that kid over there. Any kid who shows up to the combine in full pads... you know he just loves to play the game. Targeting him early. Check him out, Charlie. You can build a team around a guy like that.

Wait what like I don’t need no kickers

Pretty sure I can punt a ball so high it hits the ceiling.

You know you’re going to injure yourself, don’t you?

Prone to injuries? High motor? That’s my kind of guy. What do you want for Utley, Ruben?

I want you to shut up.

Come on Ruben it’s the combine! I’ve got the itch.... let’s make a move.

I’ll trade you Blanton for the promise that you never speak to me again. I think he fits your undersized D-Tackle mold perfectly. Look at that guy.

What we’ve got here is a kid with excellent footwork and agility for a big man. You watch the film and you see ELITE athleticism for someone that size. He was a bit of an unknown coming into this, but I’m thinking Blanton now easily projects as a first round talent.

I’ll give you Asante- throw in a 7th in 2015 and we’ve got a deal.

ASANTEE YAYS! I tink chu shuld draif de keed Yenkins dayt use to be on de Gators. He es baller. Lukeateem.

CHARACTER ISSUES RED FLAG HE SMOKED MARY JANE NO WAY NEXT.

Chu better NOT trayde Asantee den or I cheer for Titans and Chrees Yohnson.

Asante?! He doesn’t even hit.

Well neither did we in the playoffs ha ha ha ha

Sorry, Doc.

I like it! We’re making like quality additions and stuff Armante has speed and instincts I’m thinking he’s perfect for left field.

Srsly?

YEAH CHARLIE WHAT ABOUT DOM HE’S GOT FIFTEEN TOOLS AND LIKE AN EIGHTEEN PACK OF ABS TOTAL COMBINE FREAK I THINK HE’S READY FOR PRIME TIME!

Shut it if I wanted tools I’d go to Lowe’s Depot I know they ain’t got them in Panama but that’s where they sell tools I’m looking for ballplayers Shane and you’re lucky I don’t bench you

Did someone say “Prime Time”?

OHMYGOD IT’S NEON DEION YES YES YES DUDE YOU RULE I LOVED YOU WHEN YOU WERE ON FLORIDA STATE AND WORE A HEADBAND AROUND YOUR NECK IN GAMES I TRIED TO DO THAT ONCE AND CHARLIE YELLED AT ME AND SAID I LOOKED LIKE A TURTLE HEY REMEMBER WHEN YOU USED TO DO 2 LEGIT 2 QUIT WITH MC HAMMER THAT WAS THE BEST AND DOUG GLANVILLE LEFT TICKETS IN THE WINDOW FOR ELVIS EVERY GAME AND ANDRE RISON WHAT A COOL TEAM REMEMBER HIS HOUSE BURNED DOWN THAT TIME RIP LISA LEFT EYE LOPES

Dammit Victorino you trying to annoy me? Go sit in the car!

Hi Deion. If I may just say, you have pretty sweet dance moves. I used to practice them in the mirror growing up. Helped me out a lot.

You got moves kid? Let’s see ‘em!

Like I dunno what’s even goin on anymore I came here to do scout projects and these two are havin a dance contest.

I’m so glad you made me come to this. Best thing I’ve ever seen in my life.

Look at that guy over there. Nobody is paying him much attention. Think we should take a shot, Howie?

Ew no way he looks like a shoe salesman. Not to mention that guy's like older than me. PASS. I’ve got my late round QB eyed up anyways there’s a kid down at Tarleton State named Nick Stephens...threw for 387 against Angelo State in November.

You think he can run the West Coast?

Now I know everything there is to know about college football and I can confidently say that I have never heard of either of those schools and there is a good chance they are made up names.

Ya gotta dig, Mayock! These are primo steals in the late rounds! Gold standard all-in type maneuvers.

BOOOOOOOO, YOU STINK. ALL OF YOU.

Looking at your board right now Mayock.... I’m liking that Ricky Sapp kid. I don’t think Hernandez or Pitta can play in this league. Oversized.

I like Reeekie Sapps!

Hey Andy what the hay I just went to look at them vertical leaps and stuff like you said they would but it wasn’t even started yet.

I take full responsibility for that. I’ve gotta put you in a better position to succeed, Charlie.

You still looking QB depth, Andy? I’m available.

Depth, yes. Width, no. Now’s not the time Donovan. And for the love of god please take off that uniform you look ridiculous. Criminy.

I LIKE WEARING THIS OK.

Security......

So this is really it, huh?

It was really it when I shipped you off to Washington now scram!

I’m gonna be sick I think.....

Heeerrre we go... everyone watch your shoes.

Alright you idiots, we gotta bounce. Utley just broke his wrist trying to bench three-eighty because that drill sargent called him a meathead and with the money I saved by trading Jell-O we were able to sign another arm for next season.

Oh. My. God..... You are all fired.

Ilya Bryzgalov Dials Up Goaltending Advice

2012-02-08T15:46:00.000-05:00

Danger Guerrero's Top Reasons to Love the Sixers

2012-02-08T12:06:00.009-05:00

by Danger Guerrero, of Warming Glow, Film Drunk and Keith Law's Scouting Report fame

Prior to this season, I got kind of drunk one night and started sending DMs on Twitter to some basketball writers I know, proclaiming that the Sixers were going to win their division this year. I had a litany of reasons (continued progression from last year, the shortened and condensed season favoring young teams, bourbon, etc.), but most of all I just had a good feeling. They gave the Heat a decent run in the playoffs last year, and I really felt they were ready to take the next step. Maybe not the "win a title" next step, but at least the "be really competitive and fun to watch" next step.

So far, I am happy to report that most of my drunken theories have been confirmed (the jury is still out on whether Dr. J could still put up 5-6 points a night off the bench at age 61). But I realize some of you may have been a little slow to come around on the team. It's been a while since they were good, so it's understandable if you checked out for a year or two. To help you get caught up, I have put together this collection of reasons that YOU, ZWR reader, should love the Sixers this year. Enjoy.

Everybody Scores - As I write this, the Sixers have eight (8) players who average between 9 and 16 points per game. This is, to understate things wildly, a little cool. Since just about forever or the 80s, the NBA has been a league that thrived on stars. Outside of the Pistons in [look up year][I forgot to look up the year](NOTE: Sheeeeeeeeeeed), the most successful teams have been the ones who could strap their fortunes on the back of a star. On Monday night when the Sixers beat the Lakers, while starting a rookie second round pick at power forward, no one took more than 12 shots. It’s like communism except everyone’s making over $400k and the people in charge don’t have crazy beards.

Jrue Holiday - Jrue Holiday has quietly become one of the better point guards in the Eastern Conference. He doesn’t put up huge stats, but he’s fundamental as hell, doesn’t turn the ball over, and rocks double knee pads like a 50-year-old dude at the YMCA.

Andre Iguodala and Elton Brand – I should be so mad at these guys. Both are being paid like All-Stars and are putting up some of the worst stats of their career. But what they're doing extends beyond stats -- providing leadership and solid defense on a nightly basis. Now, you may point out that those contributions are a bit pricey at a combined $30,591,476, but if you really think abou-HEY WHAT'S THAT OVER THERE?! [scurries away]

This Kid - <3 <3 <3

Adam Aron – The face of the new ownership group, Adam Aron, is such an excitable dork, and he’s doing everything right so far. Giveaways, interaction, interviews, all of it. I can’t wait until he goes mad with power, turns into Willy Wonka, and fills the stadium with weird basketball inventions. It’s coming. Trust me.

Big Macs at 100 Points – Run up the score NOM

The Dream Team – The Sixers Dancers should have a reality show and Cranekicker, ZWR, and I should produce it. I'M A TV BLOGGER NOW! I'M SUPER QUALIFIED! LOOK AT MY FIRST SCRIPT! [produces Wendy's napkin that has the words "Episode 1 - Everyone goes to Hawaii" smeared on it in ketchup]

Malik Rose – Malik Rose went from “that one guy I don’t know I think he was a Spur” to my favorite color commentator in under a month. He’s already dropped a bunch of “THREEE-colas” and threw in a”J-j-j-jammin on the one” or two, plus he always call out the refs, which is the quickest way to my heart. But most importantly, he coined the term “The Night Shift” for the bench which is THE BEST. Hey, speaking of those guys...

The Night Shift - The Sixers bench is awesome. First and foremost, please to enjoy this "Night Court"-esque credit sequence for the group:

Now let's run down the cast:

Lou Williams – I said the other day that my favorite basketball player is pretty much anyone who keeps hucking up 30-footers even though they’re shooting like 2-14 in the game. That’s Lou. Combine that with his rapping, his creepshow bobblehead, and that promo spot where he talks about heart health with his arm around his mom, and he is easily my favorite player on the team.
Thad Young – Thad Young is kind of like the basketball version of Shannon Sharpe, except taller and dunkier and less-talky. So basically just the teeth. I like when he scores points.
Nikola Vucevic - UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
Evan Turner – I’m not exactly sure why, but I like Evan Turner more and more each time he screws up. It might be because his voice sounds like a robot Muppet. I’m pretty sure that’s it.
Lavoy Allen – Lavoy Allen is a 7-foot tall man who has the face of an 11-year-old boy. Based on this factor alone, his stock is going through the roof.

Doug Collins – Doug Collins has done a great job of molding a very young team and putting players with an incomplete skill set in positions where they can succeed anyway. The only thing that upsets me about him is that he always looks sick. I want to buy him a bowl of soup so he feels better.

Hit 'Em High - I've been listening to this song from the Space Jam soundtrack a lot to get myself pumped up for the games. I think it's helping. Take us home, fellas.

ZWR Super Bowl Preview - by Awesome Emma!

2012-02-03T09:00:00.004-05:00

by Awesome Emma

Hi! It’s your friend Awesome Emma here reporting on the Super Bowl, where the Giants are playing the Patriots and the winner gets a big trophy. Thank you to Zoo with Roy and Crane Kicker for asking me to be your Super Bowl correspondent, I’m super excited and I appreciate it. : )

zOMG facemask juice box yes please

To start, OTHER reporters are calling it Super Bowl XLVI. I don’t know what XLVI is, so I’m going to say Exelvee™ instead. It makes more sense. Also, I think the Claus Meter for this year’s Super Bowl is low. I hope I can change that by bringing some excitement to the game.

My first prediction for Super Bowl Exelvee™ is that the halftime show will be interesting. My mom says someone named Madonna is singing and I don’t know who that is. I thought she was the lady that sings, “All I want for Christmaaas is yooouuUU.” My mom said Madonna doesn’t sing that song and she showed me a picture of her. I think it must take a lot of COURAGE for an older person like that to sing in public and I hope she is APPROPRIATE for the children watching because that would not be a GOOD example. I would have preferred a concert from someone really TALENTED and POPULAR like Taylor Swift. I saw her in concert and she was entertaining and she moved around a lot. Here is a list of songs I think Madonna will sing:

1) Are You Ready for Some Football?
2) Fearless
3) Baby It’s Cold Outside
4) High Hopes, of course!

SPAEK

My second prediction for Super Bowl Exelvee™ is that there will be a lot of really good commercials. My favorite commercial from last year was the Volkswagen kid with the DARTH VADER COSTUME. Awesome!! I think the Darth Vader kid would be a COOL friend. I hope he uses the force again in another commercial or maybe to help the Phillies win the World Series.

My third prediction for Super Bowl Exelvee™ is that there will be lots of Super Bowl PARTIES with tons of CAKE and food and hot dogs. I think that the Phillies players will be watching the Super Bowl and cheering for the Patriots, because the Giants come from the same city as the M_ts. However, I do NOT think Roy Halladay will take a break to watch the Super Bowl. He doesn’t have the time. He’s too busy PRACTICING his pitches and saving people from dangerous snake attacks. I was so PROUD of him when I heard about that. (Editor's Note: I mean, Awesome Emma just totally gets it.)

My final prediction for Super Bowl Exelvee™ is that the players will dance in the end zone when they score touchdowns, make field goals and you will see lots of HIGH-FIVES going on. I also predict the referees will throw those yellow flags on the field to REMIND the players NOT to do things that they’re not supposed to do. I hope all of the players will try their BEST and be proud even if they don’t win. I predict the New England Patriots will get this year’s ginormous trophy by beating the New York Giants, 26-12 and Tom Brady, who is NOT as handsome as Chase Utley, will win the Most Valuable Player trophy. Finally, like Buddy the Elf would say, I’d tell the winner, “You did it! Congratulations! Best Football team of the year. Great job everybody!”

Reporter Awesome Emma signing off. Thanks again, ZWR and Craney! I hope everyone has fun watching the game! Go Phillies!

Best Ever

Charlie and the Gang Say Goodbye to Wilson Valdez

2012-01-27T12:05:00.000-05:00

by ZWR and Cranekicker

Charlie are you okay baby? Your Twitter is blowing up.

Not now Jimmy I told you I ain’t got time for that twinkies stuff I just need to get a dial tone here so I can call up Winston and let him know I’m here for him and his family I loved them being around the

clubhouse man this one hurts me.

His family was around the clubhouse?

Yeah man all them goats and stuff with the beards. So much love and we never had like extra food and junk leftover in the locker room and they were always goin like “Meehhhh” makin that sound it would crack me up good. Love those guys.

You thought the goats were his family?

Man’s best friend ain’t you read Mutley and Me? Come on. Why you think they have like human names like everyone names their goat Billy sometimes.

Dogs really are a part of the family’s soul, Jimmy. We bring ours everywhere.

I KNOW RIGHT COLE I LOVE DOGS THEY ARE SO AWESOME AND HAVE SO MUCH ENERGY AND ARE ALWAYS RUNNING AROUND AND JUMPING AND BARKING AND PANTING AND PLAYING FRISBEE GOLF AND LOVE GOING TO THE PARK I LOVE THE PARK IT’S GREAT THERE ARE TREES THERE AND LOTS OF GRASS SOMETIMES PEOPLE GET DOGGIES SHOES AND SWEATERS AND STUFF IT’S FUNNY I’M LIKE MAN THAT POOCH HAS STYLE!

Bro I got a story about doggy style...

They were goats!

Enough! Winston was an All-Star show some respect we just lost an intergrill part of the team case closed.

Sounds to me like you’re barking up the wrong tree, J-Roll. Ha ha ha ha...

AAAAAAND I’LLLL TAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKE WIIIIITTTTH ME THE MEMMMMMORRRRIIIIIEEEEEEES TO BEEEEE MYYY SUNSHINNNNNE AFTERRRR THE RAAAAAIIIIINNNNNNNNNNN

Is okay Choddy and Joan Pampelbong I be happy in Thincinoddy they seem vedy nice dees are no goobye is jus mor like “I weel see you nes tie”

WINSTON! You’re still here!!!

Yeas I ham still here jus wading for Rooben to get my hairplayn tickee to Iowa.

Hahaha Cincinnati is in Ohio man, not Iowa.

OHIO? DAIS NO FUN WUT ABOW MEECHTWO AND HIS BRADDERS? DEY WAS ALL CITED TO EAT ALL DE CORN IN IOWA NOW WUT HAYM SAPOST TO TELL THEM?

TINNNN SOLDIERS AND NIXXXONS COMMMING WEEEE’RE FINALLY ON OURRR OWNNNN. THISSSS SUMMER I HEARRR THE DRUMMMING FOUUUUURRRRR DEAD IN OHIOOOOOOOOOO.

PAMPELBONG CHU HAR SCURRING ME. I WAN TO GO TO IOWA.

Take er easy now Winston Cincinnati ain’t so bad like you may get more playin time on the mound even plus when I was younger we used to run moonshine over the Kentucky border and get blotto so you could probably have fun doin that too.

Heef I gaint caught de weel deport.

True. Maybe you like should go to Iowa. Less temptasting in the plains. I think the Cubs have a midget league team there in AAA. They like fix your car and stuff too. And there’s goats all over the place in Iowa it’s like a goat convention you guys will love it. AY RUBEN YOU HERE YET CANCEL THE REDS TRADE WINSTON WANTS TO GO TO IOWA AND I SAY HE SHOULD.

I TALKED TO A CAAAT FROM DES MOIIINES HE SAID HE RANNN A CLEANING PLANNNNT THAT CAT WAS CLANKING WITH COIIIIIIIN WELL HE MUST HAVE HADDD A GENIEEEE IN A LAMMPPPPP.

Joni Mitchell never lied....

Yeah yeah skip, I’ll be with you in a minute. (mumbles under breath) …. Calling Gillick to see if he wants the job back....

EDDIE!! Get in here and handle this.

You rang, Mr. Amaro?

ED WADE?! Great to see you... um, when did you come back?

You’re looking... good?

I was hired in December as a special consultant to Mr. Amaro, Jr..

Thanks...

No lie those Texas girls will take years off your life, bro.

Ed - Winston here says he wants to go to Iowa, not Cincy. Somethin

‘bout corn on his hot dogs insteada chili

I’m afraid that’s impossible. We’ve already sent his contract to Cincinnati in exchange for the contract of a fungible reliever. It felt great to be back on the horse again. I’m sorry, Wilson, someone had to be the sacrificial lamb to fulfill my blood lust for middle relievers.

?????

TOOOO EVERYTHINGGGGG TURRNNNN, TURRRNNNN, TURRRNNNNN

But I thaunt I wus funniess releeber? De eenternaint asplode when I peetch. Undefeeted I mayt add....

I said fungible, not funniest. Beside we already have a funny reliever in Papelbon. Look at that shirt...my goodness. Pure comedy. The blogs should have a field day with that.

EWWWW FUNGUS IS GROSS HAHA MAKE SURE YOU GUYS WEAR SHOWER SHOES ALTHOUGH I DO LIKE MUSHROOMS YOU EVER HAVE THE ONES FROM HOULIHAN’S HOLY CRAP THOSE ARE GOOD.

Me and Iverson used to shish-ka-bob the whole staff at Houlihan’s on City Ave. Called ourselves the Black n’ Tan.

Hey Pat. It’s funny to see you here. Brings back some great memories.

Like what? NEVER WINNING ANYTHING EVER?

I built the foundation of this winning franchise. Everyone knows it.

PFFFFFT. Hahaha. Oh man. I... I can’t.....hahahah....I’m gonna choke. Someone bring me a Panna Water.

I BUILT IT! YOU KNOW IT!

WEEEE BUILLLTTTT THIS CITTTTYYY ON ROCKKKKK AND ROLLLLLLLLLLLL OHHHHHHHH!

OH MAN I LOVE THAT SONG “BONGO PLAY THE RADIO LISTEN TO THE STEREO CAN’T YOU REMEMBER THEY BUILT THIS CITY ON ROCK AND ROLL” DIOMIOBIOBIOBEEEUUUUMEEEEEEEE

Dait wus guna be my wonk up musik dis seasawn..... :(

Don’t worry Wilson, I’ll be there with you. Don’t stop believin....

I can chuse dat song for my wonk up song in Thincinoddy Maidsawn?

*Familiar piano chords start to fade in to the locker room, slowly catching everyone’s attention*

*starts bobbing head, pantomimes piano playing*

DENEDENEDENEDENEDENEDENEDENEDENEDENEDENEDENEDENEDENEDENEDENEDENEDENEDENEDENEDENEDENEDENEDENEDENEWEEEEEE

BOMP BOMP!

Just a city boy...

BORN AND RAISED IN SOUTHH DETROIIIIIT...

HEEE TOOK THE MIDNIGGGHT TRAINNN GOIN ANNNNYWWWHHHHHEEEEEEERRRREEEEEE...

A singer in a smokey room...

Ewwwwww smoking is gross!

The smell of swine and cheap perfume...

I think the lyric is wine, man

Nah he’s talking about slampigs, bro

FOR A SMILLLLEEEE THEY CAN SHARE THE NIGHT

IT GOES ONNNN AND ONNNNNN AND ONNNN AND OHHHHH

Strangers... waiting....

Up and down the boullevvarrdddd...

:( Their shadows searching in the night.... :(

Something something, streetlights, running through them, mumble mumble, something whatever...?

HIDING. SOMEWHERE...

IN THE NIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHT

Well this has been quite the Journey, huh fellas?

How about we cut to the damn chorus already before the lights go down in the city...

DOOONNNN’T STOP...BELIEVING......

Hone don to de feeeeeelennn.....

DON’T STOP--

It's a Sergei Bobrovsky + Cole Hamels Dance-Off GIF Mashup!

2012-01-25T09:48:00.002-05:00

Everyone: it's the animated .gif you wanted but didn't even know you wanted until I just reminded you of it right now.

Yes please:

h/t me

Roy Halladay Gives Scott Hartnell Some Advice

2012-01-25T08:43:00.000-05:00

click adorable ms paint for bigness

RIP Andy Musser

2012-01-24T08:46:00.000-05:00

On October 4, 1980, the Phillies clinched the National League East with a face-breaking win in Montreal. You could argue that the autumn euphoria which ultimately led to a World Championship unofficially commenced when Mike Schmidt hit a dramatic, two run home-run in the 11th inning of that game. Here is Andy Musser's call.

well done, Youtuber markmarky

Thanks for the memories, Andy.

A Post About SOPA by Ryan

2012-01-18T08:47:00.000-05:00

(ZWR Note: The following doesn't necessarily reflect my views on the subject proposed legislation; I'm just some donkey that wants to go to the zoo with Roy Halladay. But Ryan's my bud and he's passionate about it and sent me a text at like 3:47AM telling me to post this so here you go.)

Hi there, my name is Ryan Petzar. You may know me from places such as Zoo With Roy, The Fightins, Twitter, or the runner-up of The 1986 America’s Fattest Baby contest.. I wanted to take a moment to talk to you about a topic that is incredibly important to me, and if you’re a fan of this blog should be important to you. Please bear with me, I promise I’ll make this worth your time.

There’s currently legislation that’s quickly working it’s way though Congress called the Stop Online Piracy Act (or SOPA). If passed, SOPA would change the internet as we know it forever by giving corporations the right to censor it. Basically, SOPA would allow the government or copyright holders the ability to obtain court orders to shut down any website they suspect to be either committing copyright infringement or allowing it to happen. However, the rules are broad and vague enough that it would give corporations the ability to shut down your favorite websites for almost no reason at all. Additionally, and horrifyingly, it makes the sharing or posting of copyrighted content online a felony punishable with massive fines and prison sentences of up to five years.

Basically, if SOPA were to pass and I were to post a link to a YouTube video of, say, The Humpty Dance I would be committing a felony. In the eyes of the courts, it’d be a crime on par with arson, kidnapping, murder, or rape.

Just to reiterate, if SOPA were to pass and I would post that link to The Humpty Dance:

* I’d be guilty of a felony for linking to that video.

* ZWR would be liable because he owns the site on which it was posted and as such be guilty of a felony and the copyright holder would instantly be allowed to shut down the site permanently.

* The company that hosts ZWR’s webservers is guilty of a felony for hosting the site.

* The guy that uploaded it to YouTube would have committed a felony by uploading it.

* YouTube is guilty of a felony for hosting it and/or not preventing it from being uploaded in the first place and, as such, could be shut down permanently.

* If ZWR were tweet the link to this post, Twitter would also be guilty of a felony and could also be shut-down because they (inadvertently) linked to this post.

Under the current law, the uploader of that video has committed a crime by uploading content that isn’t his or hers to upload. That’s not what I’m upset about.

One of the reasons you like this website is because of things like entertaining photoshops, videos, and even that one song parody from last year. All of those examples are things that we as Americans are currently allowed to do because of protections in the First Amendment that cover parody. It’s our God-given right as Americans. However, at best, SOPA would restrict our ability to do this. At worst, it would be stripping away portions of our First Amendment rights. Let me give you an example:

I posted the above video here last spring. I took a clip of the movie The Terminator and added some goofy images and stuff to it to parody Roy Halladay’s reputation as a robot-like perfectionist. To create that video, I used copyrighted material but made changes to it for the purpose of parody to create a new, separate entity. That’s an exception to copyright law that’s called Fair Use and it’s protected by the First Amendment.

Yes, if the holder of the copyright wanted to sue me for it they certainly could, however they must follow the due process of the law to do so and based on legal precedent, they would probably lose that case. But that’s beside the point.

However, under SOPA, a copyright holder has the right to mandate not only that video be removed from the internet but be made to be inaccessible to you as an American without any kind of due process, using the same kind of web blocking technology that is currently used in China, Syria, and Iran.

Those governments actively censor not only what their citizens are allowed to see but also say. SOPA would allow corporations to do the same exact thing here in America. Please note the keyword in that last sentence: corporations. If MGM saw that video and they felt that it violated copyright, they could prevent you from seeing it just because of a hunch, not any kind of legal precedent or rulings.

That’s censorship, and it’s a movie studio doing it because they think that seeing that 59 second clip makes you want to watch The Terminator, but not pay for it.

The thing is, if you see that video and you really do want to watch The Terminator, you’ll probably either play the DVD if you own it or if you don’t, you’ll watch it on Netflix or actually go buy or rent it. Either way, you just essentially made the copyright holder money that they wouldn’t have had if you didn’t see that video.

Yes, there is a small portion of people that would think to visit an illegal filesharing site and download the movie for free without paying for it. That is theft and copyright infringement and it is illegal, as it should be. However, there are already laws in place allowing copyright holders to prevent such a thing from happening and punish those who do it. SOPA is their greedy way of expanding their abilities to do so so they can make more money by levying fines.

“The seal is SOPA. The penguin is, well, you know.”

(ZWR Note: WAIT WHAT?!)

Imagine what the web would be like without sites like Twitter, Facebook, Deadspin, Gawker, Reddit, Fark, Zoo with Roy, The Fightins or any other site where original and recycled content is posted and discussed. SOPA is designed to make people so afraid of accidentally violating a copyright that they wouldn’t be able to run or use websites like they usually do out of fear of being shut down.

What do I mean by ‘afraid of accidentally violating’? Like I said earlier, sites would be responsible for any and all content that gets posted on their site. In an America with SOPA, if a commenter on ZWR were to embed or link to a copyrighted YouTube video, ZWR just violated the law by allowing that commenter to do so. SOPA would make websites responsible for anything and everything that other people post on the website.

Now imagine that instead of just the ZWR comments, that same rule applies to Facebook or Twitter. If just one person uploads or links to copyrighted material on one of those services, the entire site could be shut down. Not just one account, the entire site. That’s the kind of power SOPA gives to copyright holders.

Facebook or Twitter, let alone ZWR, don’t have any ability at all to control what you or anybody decides to type into your status updates, tweets, or comment boxes. There’s no way to prevent anybody from typing in the web address to something that may be copyrighted, and even if there was, what happens if someone wanted to link to something that wasn’t copyrighted? How is the site supposed to know the difference? You can’t. It’s unrealistic to expect that to happen, yet SOPA makes it mandatory. The only thing that sites could do to prevent commenters from posting illegal something would be to prevent commenters from posting at all. Imagine a web where you weren’t able to comment on anything; basically a ‘read-only’ internet. Who would want to use that? Nobody.

If you’ve stuck with me so far, myself and everybody involved with this site thanks you for caring. This legislation would pretty much prevent a blog like Zoo With Roy or The Fightins from existing because parody is what we do. It’s what we’re allowed to do as Americans. SOPA would prevent us from exercising freedom of speech as we understand it. By the very definition of the term, SOPA is unconstitutional. And yet, here we are...

I want to point out who this was all was designed to protect: the entertainment industry. Look, piracy is bad. It’s illegal and it’s illegal for a very good reason. If you illegally download music, movies, photos, whatever, you’re taking money out of the pocket of the people that created, paid for, and distributed that art. It’s very fair to say that the entertainment industry loses a ton of money because of piracy and they’re entitled to protect their copyrights. The internet has created a place where art can be shared illegally so easily and it’s cost the record companies and movie studios a ton of money. Nobody is arguing that fact.

However, the studios and the record companies were painfully slow to adapt to the internet and cost themselves a ton of money in the process. Napster allowed us to illegally download music as early as 1999, but it wasn’t until 2003 that the iTunes Music Store came on to the market to let us actually buy that same music digitally. The industry has been trying to play catch-up ever since.

The entertainment industry lost out on tons of money because it was slow to react to the digital marketplace. Now, they want to be able to use SOPA as a tool to generate revenue through fines instead of actually developing a profitable business model for the web.

Maybe I’m wrong, but I’m pretty sure that a business model centered around suing your customers isn’t going to last very long.

You may wonder why I’m crapping all over the entertainment industry so much here. Well, the answer to that is because they’re the ones really behind the SOPA legislation. Senator Lamar Smith (R-TX) was the guy that introduced the bill to the Senate. If you click this link, you can see pretty plainly that Senator Smith has taken a boatload of money from the entertainment industry in the form of campaign contributions. He’s not the only senator backing this bill to take money from the people it would benefit financially, but he’s the one whose name is attached to it for all to see.

Senator Smith and others like him have a personal, financial incentive to see this bill through. These are people that aren’t acting on the behalf of their constituents or the Constitution they were sworn to protect. These are people trying to make money for themselves. That’s corruption. And it’s bad.

I hope at this point I’ve established that SOPA is unequivocally bad news for the public. If I’ve done that, I have good news and some bad news for you: The bad news is that SOPA has a very serious chance of being passed into law. Seriously. It has more backers than it does opponents and they’re trying to rush it to a vote this very week. The good news is that it’s still not too late to do something about it. If you think that SOPA would negatively impact your life, you need to speak to your local legislators and tell them about it.

The internet has made this process incredibly easy. If you go to one of the following sites, you’ll be able to either sign a petition against SOPA that will be submitted to lawmakers, have a form letter or email sent to your local representative or congressman or, best yet, be given the direct telephone number of your representative’s office and you can call them yourself about your feelings on the matter. The linked sites even provide you with some talking points and a script you can use while you’re on the phone if you get phone-shy like myself.

This is a watershed moment in American history. We were founded as a nation that is able to govern itself. If this bill passes, it literally gives corporations the ability to punish Americans and it strips away parts of our rights to free speech. Not only would we be doing ourselves a disservice by allowing this legislation to pass, but we’d be depriving our children and our children’s children rights that we’d always been told that we as Americans, would always have.

I don’t often get worked up politically, and when I do, I pretty much never have done anything about it. This is a first for me. I hope I’ve made sense here because I’m new at this stuff. I want to sincerely thank you for taking time out of your day to read what I’ve had to say here.

God bless you and God bless America,
Ryan Petzar

Cholly Watches Last Night's Episode of 'The Bachelor'

2012-01-17T10:48:00.000-05:00

By ZWR and Crane Kicker (BFF)

Alright here boys now why you like call me here to watch The Bachelorette Party on the satellite radio TV? I don’t like staying up this late in the offseason I like to get up early and you know like ride the bike and watch Price is Right and stuff.

NO CHARLIE TRUST ME THIS SHOW IS THE BEST THE GUY FROM SCRUBS GREW HIS HAIR REAL LONG AND SELLS WINE TO A BUNCH OF REALLY NICE LADIES AND THEN THEY GO ON BITCHIN DATES LIKE BUNGEE JUMPING FROM THE MANDOLIN BAY CASINO OR SNORKLING OR CIRQUE DE SILLY AND THEY DRESS LIKE CATS TOO MEOW THE CLAWS ARE COMING OUT!

Shay ees right Ben dreaamy I ho I get dee raws

KAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE B IS MYYYY PIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICK!

No way, bro. Courtney’s got this in the bag.

I like Jennifer.

I like pizza!

Me too. Nom nom

.

Don’t you even say anything about liking mermaids, kid.

Goodbye.

Wait so this one guy is goin on dates with all these young ladies at the same time together what’s going on here I saw a movie like that once called like “Caligular” or somethin it was weird.

Yeah bro I saw that movie once too but it was called “Pat Burrell” haha yessss.

OH MY GOD THEY’RE SKIING ON THE FULL HOUSE STREET I HOPE I GET TO GO TO THERE ONE DAY KIMMIE GIBLER CRACKED ME UP AND UNCLE JOEY WAS SO FUNNY DO I SMELL … WOOD? HAHAHAHAHAHHA

HEYYYYY. CUT. IT. OUT. HAHA! SHANE BRO GOOD TO SEE YOU LET ME KNOW IF YOU WANT TO HANG OUT SOON ANYTIME IS GOOD RIGHT NOW WORKS TOO.

How rude! No but seriously I haven’t seen a group go down that fast in San Fran since 2010.

Not cool, bro.

HAHAHA I had my own rose ceremony after that series if you know what I mean. Three girls at one time. All named Rose.

Enough now Burl with your sick stories about the threepeats and menageries I mean you’re a frickin sex weirdo like a hemophiliac or somethin.

This show is so dumb. I only watch Survivor!

IIIIIT’S THEEEE EYE OF THE TIGGGER IT’S THE THRRRRRRRRILL OF THE FIGHT! SURVIVOORRRRRRRR.

chigachigachigachiga … BUMP! BUMP BUMP BUMP! BUMP BUMP BUMP! BUMP BUMP BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUMP!!!

I only like OLD Survivor’s the new one’s are so dumb it’s like “um yeah hi how many times can you eat a worm” borrrring I like Heidi from the Amazon season she’s really competitive and cunning.

You mean your wife?

Yeah she kinda looks like her I guess and they have the same name that’s pretty funny Ruben I never noticed haha.

That’s because your wife is the same girl that was on Survivor Amazon, idiot.

Haha I WISH that would be soooo awesome.

IT’S TRUE COLE! MY WIFE WAS ON SURVIVOR TOO!

Oh yeah sure EVERYONE is married to a girl from Survivor. Stop teasing me just because I like reruns it’s not nice to tell lies to people.

Hey guys what’s up I hope I’m not too late what’d I miss did they do the group date yet?

Yay Ryee Maidso dey deed it and Ben gay de raws to Raynchul.

YOU’VE GOTTA BE $#&%#ING KIDDING ME

ITTTT’S TRUUUUUE. CHANTAL SHOWED UP OUT OF LEFT FIEEEEELD AND GOT SENTTT HOOOOOME. IT WAS EMBARRASSSSSINNNNNNG. KIND OF LIKE LOOSING YOUR JOB TO SOOMMMEONE FROM BOSSSSSTONNNNNN BECAUSE YOUR AGENNNT IS A BUTTTFAAAACE.

LOL sick burn Paps. $8.4M for one year. That’s funny money.

That’s....Pittsburgh money.

Yo Roethlisberger’s my boy. Bro knows how to party!

I hate you, Ruben. Stop talking about Pittsburgh every time I am around we both know I am not movable to Pittsburgh.

Hi Ruben I got my glove. Taking some grounders just like you said. I’ll be ready to man the bag you bet.

OF COUUUUURRRRSSEEEE.

See that Ryan? Glove work. Two working legs. That’s what you call PLAN B.
I can move anyone anywhere I want. I’ll eat half of your salary just to prove you wrong and then resign you just to cut you. Shape up pal.

Wow you got really mean since I left. There’s enough to go around right guys?!

No. Apparently not.

Boomshakalaka. Peace out.

Oh snap did that girl faint?

DUDE THIS ROSE CEREMONY IS INTENSE THAT HORSEFACE GIRL GOT ANGRY AND THE BROWNETTE WHO NEVER GETS ON TOTALLY FAINTED CHASE AND SKINNY CHANTAL GOT BURN ROASTED THIS SHOW’S THE BEST EVER DID YOU LIKE IT CHOLLY HUH?

Dude he left a half-hour ago. Why did I re-sign here, again?

JIMMY WHAT’S UP YOU ARE PHILLY WE LOVE YOU MAN LET ME KNOW IF YOU NEED A PERSONALIZED FORECAST OR ANYTHING ANYTIME I AM HERE. J BO IS HERE.

I don’t know who you are but I think I’m good. You can get personalized weather on your phone now. Or just go outside. But yeah thanks.

OK TELL ME YOUR PHONE NUMBER AND I WILL SEND YOU PERSONALIZED FORECASTS AND SOME OTHER STUFF. REAL DEAL.

DONNN’T GIVE IT TOOO HIM JIMMMY HE WILL SEND YOU NUUUUDEYS.

Bro I put the cherry in Blackberry. Hit me up J Bo.

PAT THE BAT - INCOMING!

Nice bro do more!

BATTER UP!

Woahhh bro bikini babes!

THAT IS NOT FUNNY YOU GUYS.

Hey that’s the girl from Survivor: Guatemala!

A Note to the Flyers, from ZWR

2012-01-13T09:47:00.000-05:00

Ryan Madson Signs With The Reds

2012-01-11T09:37:00.000-05:00

Sixers Home Opener Animated MS Paint JRUUUUUUUUUUUUUUE

2012-01-06T10:44:00.002-05:00

Hey Kids! The Sixers have their home opener tonight, and I'm pretty certain they this squad's going to be a ton of fun to follow this year. In light of this sentiment, ZWR Animation Studios made the following, face-breaking MS Paint:

Also I have no idea if they're still even doing this or not (hey, you can only be so excited in this life), but tonight may also be the night that Phil E. Moose is unveiled as the new mascot! Go team.