I will make this world of my devising

friday favorite - cuppies and joe

2012-01-27T15:15:00.000-06:00

Melancholy mornings like the one we had today make me want to do one thing - go to Cuppies and Joe.

(Having a little girls night at Cuppies before it opened.)

They opened in 2008 and have been nothing but successful. Not only are their drinks delicious (frozen hot chocolates, peg teas, and mochas - my favorites), but their cupcakes and cookies are incredibly yummy. I was never a cupcake person before they opened, but these cupcakes were like nothing I'd ever had. Some of my favorites are Neverland, Mary Poppins, and Bippity Boppity Boo. Their chocolate chip, sugar, and oatmeal scotchie cookies are heavenly as well. Basically, with whatever you order, you'll leave full and happy.

(Colt and I have spent/will continue to spend many a night at Cuppies. This picture was taken sometime within the first few months of them opening. We are some of their biggest fans, no doubt about it.)

(Colt and I doing a little music one evening.)

Although their treats and beverages are amazing, we all know it's more than just those things that keep us coming back.

It's the environment. It feels like you're just heading over to meet a friend at their house for dessert because, well, that's exactly what it is ... a house. Each room has its own color and character. Is it a purple room kind of day? Or a book nook kind of day? You choose!

It's the process. Thinking you'll just pop in, grab what you want, and be on your way? Well, it probably won't happen like that ... not because the service is slow, but because you're not only paying for quality products to enter your belly, but for a chance to slow down. It's not about yelling out orders and getting people in and out and on their way like every Starbucks in NYC. While waiting in line (and there will be a line), you should talk to your friends who are with you, take a looksy at the artwork and other items for sale, and start scoping out the place for the perfect spot to sit.

It's the people. The Diefenderfer family is close to my heart. I've known them for as long as I can remember. We grew up together in church and have so many fun memories. Katie and I became best friends in middle school and now, we get to play mommy together.

(Katie and I at her wedding in September 2010.)

The twins were always so totally cool and I would have never imagined that someday, I'd actually get to be their real friend. (Funny how huge a 5 year difference seems until you all become adults!)

I love those girls and, of course, I love their parents. They are extremely kind and hospitable people. Knowing who is behind Cuppies and Joe makes it even more wonderful.

So, I feel like it's kind of an understatement to say it's one of my favorite places to spend my time. If you're in the mood for all things tasty, fun, cozy, and joyful, then head on over to Cuppies and Joe. The hours will fly by and you'll start thinking you might just sleep there for the night. Although your toothbrush will not be sitting in the bathroom and you're not really allowed in the kitchen, you'll still feel very much at home.

my plate, part 2

2012-01-24T17:14:00.000-06:00

I did a post awhile back on my plate. After thinking about the size of my plate, I got to thinking about what was actually on my plate.

Not that this is true for everyone, but I find similarities in my actual food plate and life plate. Some of my most favorite foods are side items and my meals could consist of just that. I like to eat a little bit of everything on my plate so that my piles are even up until the very last bite. My mom does the same thing so I guess I got it from her. :)

I am a person of side items. I like having several small things going at once rather than one huge, overwhelming task in front of me. I don't like to focus on only ONE big thing for an extended amount of time. That's why I love where I am right now. While being a mom is a pretty huge task, I still get some free moments to do my side items when Duke is napping.

For me, knowing the size of my plate and what's on it can make or break a day. So, what kind of person are you? Do you like to focus on one big thing at a time, accomplish it, and then move onto the next? Do you like having a few things going at once, doing little bits and pieces at a time until everything is complete? I think understanding that about ourselves helps us to be a little less stressed out. :)

spits and fits

2012-01-23T16:08:00.001-06:00

Duke has always been a big spitter. It's funny, though, because usually when we tell people, they look at us like Oh, aren't you sweet; you think your baby spits up a lot when actually he spits up like every other baby. Mmm, nope. He's a crazy spitter. That's just all there is to it.

He'd always been a happy spitter, but this changed at week 11. I could tell something was different. Not only was it frequently projectile, but he started acting uncomfortable and, eventually, in pain when he was spitting up. One night I had just had enough. I started crying and said out loud to myself and Duke (which happens a lot), "This is not normal. I am calling the doctor tomorrow." There's just something deep down in that mommy gut that tells you when something is not okay. When you feel it, trust it!

I was a little nervous about calling since I would sound like a typical first time mom who thinks everything is a big deal, but I did it anyway. The nurse was very sweet and it ended up that we needed to see our doctor about this. She said he had reflux and prescribed Zantac. Things were better the first 2 days and then they actually got worse.

What was he doing exactly? After he ate, he would cry ... like the crazy, shrill, high-pitched cries you really don't hear too often unless something is really wrong. He was also as stiff as a board and arching his back. I knew these things weren't okay. After 6 days of Zantac, I called the nurse again and told her everything.

(Side note: It also turned out that Duke hadn't, and still hasn't, had a dirty diaper in several days. I thought the Zantac might be related but she assured me that it probably wasn't and that a lot of babies go through a phase where they just don't poop. She also said that when they do decide to finally do it, it'd be a big one. Something we can look forward to.)

The nurse spoke with our doctor and she decided we needed to stop the Zantac and switch to Prevacid. What a difference! It's been 4 days now and it has worked wonders. (Let's keep our fingers crossed that it will stay that way!) We finally have our happy boy back. It's totally relieved his pain, he doesn't cry for an hour after he eats, and he spits up happily like he used to. The volume of spit up has basically remained the same, except for a few feedings here and there where it's a bit less than the normal amount. Of course, the spit up wasn't the problem. I'll take spit up over pain any day.

Seeing your child like that and not having the power to fix it is rough. I'm just glad I didn't wait it out and do my typical "I'm his mom so I should be able to handle it" business.

I'm grateful we finally found something that works. I'm also grateful for intelligent and kind doctors and nurses that really care about what they do. I've talked to several nurses the past couple of weeks and not one of them was condescending or made me feel silly for my concerns. That's a good feeling as a new mom.

Onward to happy spitting days!

letters to duke - 3 months

2012-01-22T13:59:00.000-06:00

January 22, 2012

Dear Duke,

Time for another letter already? Crazy!

Well, you are a pro at napping/sleeping. You've consistently slept 7.5-8 hours every night this past month and in the past week or so, you've stretched it to 8.5 hours. 9 hours is our next goal!

You've been eating every 3 hours but yesterday, you ate every 3.5 hours. So, that must be changing. Something I've enjoyed lately is how quick your feedings are! Rather than eating for an hour, you eat for 15-25 minutes.

You learned how to reach out and grab things this month. It's been so fun watching you figure it all out. The day you first did it, you were on your playmat. Your dad and I were sitting on the couch, mesmerized by your efforts. When you finally got your little fingers around one of the links hanging down, we got so excited!

You've still been spitting up a lot and up until a few weeks ago, it was happy spitting. Lately, it's been causing you a lot of pain and after trying Zantac for a week, we're now on Prevacid. It's your third day on that and so far it seems to be working wonders. It has been a long couple of weeks trying to figure all of this out, but hopefully we've arrived at the answer.

We had to take you to the doctor on January 13th and you weighed 12 lbs 1 oz. You're certainly not a chunky baby, but people are always commenting on how long you are!

Each month, you focus more and more on faces and things around you. When I walk in and out of a room, your head follows me. It has been so wonderful being able to look into your eyes and make you smile. One day, I started singing "You are My Sunshine" to you and you wouldn't stop looking at me and smiling ... so I sang it about 6 times in a row. I loved that moment.

Something I've learned about you and motherhood this month is that it changes all of the time. It can be exhausting trying to keep up, but regardless, being your mom is a great job.

You have taught us so much about life, love, and God and you're just 3 months old. I'm so thankful for your life. I love you.

Love,
Mom

on 'don't carpe diem'

2012-01-20T17:18:00.001-06:00

I've spent the past couple of weeks thinking about something. It's constantly been spiraling around in my mind and it wasn't until I read this article that I feel like it's allowed to come to a stop.

In a nutshell, I'm afraid of getting through life too fast. I don't want to be 80 and wish I would have done such-and-such or spent more time with so-and-so or enjoyed more moments of life. It becomes such a weight on me that I think it actually causes me to enjoy things less. In worrying about not savoring moments, I'm doing more worrying that savoring.

So, back to the article. She took the words right out of my mouth. I know I don't have 3 kids and haven't been a mom for a long time, but I can completely relate to what she is saying.

If I had a nickel for every time I heard the following phrases, or other ones like it, I'd be rich.
"Enjoy every moment!"
"It goes by fast! Soak it in!"
"Aren't these just the sweetest moments?"
"Don't you just love being a mom?"
"Isn't this just the best?"

It's not that these moments aren't sweet and wonderful, but they aren't sweet and wonderful ALL of the time. And that's just life, right? From what I've gathered, I don't think you can fully appreciate something until after it's gone and behind you.

I loved being in college when I was in college, but I look back on it with a fondness I couldn't have conjured up while I was in it. I just don't think any of us finish something and say, "Yep, I seized every moment of that and loved every second and cherished every minute." Mostly, we say, "Well, I did my best, there were definitely some enjoyable moments, and I learned a lot."

Most days the mom thing is great. It's a privilege. It's a joy. It's indescribably sweet.

Some days it's hard. It's dirty. It's repetitive. It feels simple.

But like she said, there are those Kairos moments each day that make being a mom worth it ... like making my little boy smile or holding his sweet little body in my arms or feeling his fingers wrap around mine. Those times are like little pieces of heaven.

It's not just about the job of motherhood ... it's any job. It's anything we do in life. We're all human. We aren't going to love every second of life while we're in it. We can't beat ourselves up for that and we need to cut ourselves some slack. What we can do is try to be content with where we are and aim to live with not an unrealistically positive outlook, but a grateful one.

schedule and routine can be friends

2012-01-19T16:55:00.000-06:00

Both are great. Every mom does it differently. Some stick to a schedule, some stick to a routine, and some do a little of both. I stick to a schedule but in case that gets messed up, staying with our routine works out just fine.

Since we follow Babywise, our routine is eat, wake, sleep. Babywise also encourages getting onto a schedule. A schedule helps so many things. Sometimes when people think of a 'schedule,' they think of feeling boxed in. Actually, I've found that a schedule allows a lot more freedom on my part. If someone wants to meet for coffee, I know exactly when a good time would be. If I was only on a routine, I would maybe have to wait and see until the time got closer to let my friend know when I'd be there. If I had another child who had an afternoon nap at 2pm every day, I could make my baby's schedule to where he would have one of his naps at 2pm also.

A schedule also helps you know what's happening with your baby. If your baby keeps waking early from naps, maybe she was over-stimulated during her waketime. If your baby is crying and you know she's rested, full, and clean, she may just have some trapped gas. Because there is order to the day, you are able to see when something is off, wrong, or needs to be adjusted.

Can a baby really be on a schedule? Of course! Now, does this mean that if Duke was screaming because he was hungry 30 minutes earlier than usual that I wouldn't feed him? No way! If that happened (and it has), it might just mean he's going through a growth spurt and needs to eat more. Babywise encourages parent direction but also places the responsibility on the parent to follow the cues of your child.

Because life is unpredictable, there are times our schedule might have to be compromised. If so, I can always fall back on our routine. That way, Duke still knows what to expect, it just may not be at the same time of day it normally is.

Getting off schedule isn't a huge deal. You can always adjust feedings/naps to get right back on. Consistently getting off schedule can be a killer. I quickly learned what things were worth getting off schedule for and what things weren't. Obviously, the holiday season requires a lot of flexibility. We were up for it, but I sure was glad when things got back to normal.

Using a schedule and a routine together has worked for me!

spicy chicken

2012-01-17T17:10:00.001-06:00

I put this in the crockpot on Sunday morning before church and when we got home, we walked into a house smelling of yummy lunch. It's so nice not to have to think about lunch on Sundays.

Ingredients:
boneless skinless chicken breasts
pace picante sauce (we used medium)

Cook it on low for 6-8 hours, shred the chicken after it's been in awhile, and then it's done! Since we just used 2 chicken breasts, we only had to put in about 8 oz. of picante and cook for about 5 hours.

We put the chicken in flour tortillas along with sour cream, cheese, lettuce, and avocado. 2 chicken breasts made 8 tortillas full so it lasted us 2 lunches. Even if you had to buy everything for this meal, it'd probably be close to $10-$15. Very easy and very tasty. :)

weekend review - recording, rodeo, and relaxation

2012-01-16T16:50:00.001-06:00

I had a pretty busy weekend. (Not "busy" like when I was teaching ... hopefully that kind of "busy" won't ever happen again.) It's the new kind of busy ... where just getting out and about is livin' on the edge.

Friday night I finished recording my little album. I was so determined to get it done. A couple of the songs have bgvs and other instruments, but it is mostly just my voice and piano which is what I wanted. Now, the mixing/mastering magic must be done and then it will be complete!

Saturday ... well, I told you about most of Saturday. However, I didn't mention to you that we went to the rodeo that evening. Oh yes, the International Finals Rodeo at the State Fair Arena was the place to be. I'd only been once before so I was excited to go again.

(Evan, Colt, and Ward)

Reese got us these tickets and we all had so much fun. My personal favorite was the barrel racing. Oh, and when the sparkly girls came out and did tricks on their horses as they ran around ... like hanging upside down with one leg around the horse as their hair gently grazed the dirt on the floor. That business is crazy.

None of us really fit in at the rodeo. I mean, I know you don't have to be a cowboy to attend, but we (the girls) were making comments like, "So, like, how do they get scored for this?" and "If my husband did this, I'd make him wear a helmet!" and "Oh, this guy is from Canada. I didn't know there were cowboys in Canada." Please don't judge us. When we all get around each other, there is no filter and no requirement to sound intelligent and well-rounded.

We were the oblivious 4 girls on the front row with cokes, hot dogs, nachos, and skittles in hand. We are who we are. But I understand if you think I'm an idiot now. If you wrote on your blog about going to a concert and saying something like, "So, like, how come they need 2 guitar players? Can't they just have one?" I would probably roll my eyes too. It's okay. We're all even.

Sunday morning, we got up and went to church. It was so relaxing and so needed. Then, we went home, ate lunch, and basically camped out on the couch all day. It was wonderful.

(Love this sweet little face!)

Usually I have some kind of limit on the weekend as far as events are concerned. But this time, we were just a bunch of out of control 25 year olds with a baby. I went somewhere Friday, Saturday, AND Sunday. That must be some kind of record!

What did you do this weekend?

saturdays as an adult

2012-01-14T14:46:00.000-06:00

Saturdays as an adult are spent waking up to a jackhammer your husband and dad are using, repairing holes in your roof, digging holes in your backyard (to fix busted pipes), cleaning like crazy, going grocery shopping, and going grocery shopping in a hurry so you can get back in time to feed your baby. (Of course, anything dealing with jackhammers and digging and repairing does not involve me. But I do have to listen to all of it if that counts.)

I know I haven't even reached the peak of chaos either. There are still more kids to be born, more things to break in our home, more groceries to buy, and more events to have to attend. All on a Saturday.

My friend Reese and I were texting about today's events and at the end of it, I said, "When did we get here??"

I remember thinking my parents were always busy and doing stuff on Saturdays. I was glad to be doing whatever I wanted whenever I wanted. But then, I woke up one day and realized that was no longer the case.

I'm not complaining. I'm just observing. Every new phase of life has easier parts and harder parts than the one before. But with that, I would say every new phase has most definitely gotten better than the one before (in my 25 years of experience, that is). And I hope I'm right in thinking it will keep getting better and better.

Well, my dad and Colt are outside sawing a pipe, Duke is taking a nap, and I'm eating a cutie to distract myself from cleaning. Happy Saturday to all!

friday favorite - parenthood

2012-01-13T14:05:00.001-06:00

This is "our show" right now. I talked about our addiction with Friday Night Lights a few months ago. Once we finished that series, we wanted a new one. We started watching seasons 1 and 2 of Parenthood on Netflix and are now trying to catch up to season 3 online. It wasn't until a few episodes into Parenthood that we realized both shows had the same writer. No wonder we love it so much!

Watching Parenthood is not only fun, but it helps me feel validated in my craziness. When Christina is hormonal and in tears and Adam just doesn't understand, I give Colt a "see-I'm-not-the-only-one" look.

This show has everything ... every character you could ever need. I cringe when I see one of the teenage girls do something so totally ridiculous and annoying that I did at that age. I roll my eyes when the husbands just don't understand how right their wives really are. (Okay, okay .... only half serious.) I get fired up when grandpa saves the day with one of his blunt, intense comments or speeches ... or punches. It's just so good!

If you're needing a new show full of emotion and comedy, this is the one. You won't regret it!

band wives and babies

2012-01-11T17:15:00.003-06:00

I'm in a band, Mopak, and not only do I love the members, but I love their wives. Kelsey is Evan's wife (bass player) and Megan is Phil's wife (drummer). A lot of times, I forget I'm actually in the band. There have been many moments when I've been talking with the girls as the guys are setting up/starting to play. Then it hits me that I should probably make myself useful. I keep telling Kelsey and Megan that they should just brush up their tambourine and triangle skills so they can be in it too, but they aren't too fond of the idea. For now, they're just our biggest fans and 2 really great friends of mine.

For about a year and a half now, Megan has been the only mom. In October, that changed when I had Duke. But, tomorrow, things are changing again! Megan will be having a precious little baby girl. So, that makes 3 kids. But wait ... I'm not done. Kelsey is pregnant with twin boys and we'll be meeting them in March sometime!

Here we are ... all the pregnant ladies together. Our fingers were representing the trimester we were in.

This was taken at Kelsey's shower a few days ago.

So in a matter of 5 months, our band will go from 1 kid to 5 kids. We're not quite sure the effect this will have on our practice time. It will be interesting, that's for sure. The girls were talking and we thought it'd be great if we could just put all 5 of them in a room, shut the door, and then just hope for the best. However, I'll feel bad for little Camryn. 4 boys and 1 girl ... not too fun. Although that does seem to be a great recipe for another band!

I love being a part of Mopak and it's just extremely convenient that the band wives all get along and have so much fun together. So, here's to having 5 kids running (or sitting) around in 2 months!

where everybody knows your name

2012-01-10T16:37:00.004-06:00

Yesterday was a lovely little day. My mom, Mama Lue (grandma), Duke and I drove to Shawnee to visit Karlie (my sister).

We picked her up at her house - the house I lived in my senior year and my brother lived in his last 2 years.

(I forgot to take a picture, so I stole this one from my friend. Thanks, Sara. :))

Then, we went to one of my most favorite places to eat on earth - Benedict Street. There was no "Tori's Chicken" on the menu, but I basically recreated it. That herb foccacia is to die for. And, oh, the ranch dressing! I think I made a noise after every bite.

Of course we didn't leave without a cappuccino chocolate chip cookie and a picture. Duh.

After we left, I realized that was Duke's first restaurant experience. The fact that it was at Benedict Street is just so fun to me. And he was so well behaved! He was either looking around, smiling, or falling asleep.

Being in that cozy little lunch place was so sweet. I spent most Saturday afternoons in college eating lunch there with my friends. We'd wake up late, skip breakfast completely, and go there around 11:30. It's that little restaurant where you see everyone and you feel like everybody knows your name. Like Cheers ... minus the bar.

Seeing friends and professors there every week was something I looked forward to. And this time was no different. Although I didn't see any of my friends, it still felt the same. I saw little groups of college girls sitting at tables, using their hands to tell very expressive and dramatic stories. I saw a group of college boys with long hair and clothes that probably needed to be washed. I saw 2 music professors and they remembered me, so we had a little chat. I talked with Paula (the owner) and her husband (I'm blanking on his name) and they met little Duke. I know they didn't specifically remember me since they've seen ridiculous amounts of college-aged kids each day for many years, but it was great visiting with them.

It may seem like I'm making too much out of something really small, but if you attended OBU, Benedict Street was most likely a part of your Shawnee experience.

As we drove through the town of Shawnee, I thought about how fast time flies. It seems like just yesterday I was walking on the OBU campus. I treasure everything about that place ... every book I had to carry, every 8am theory class, every hour spent practicing in Ford Music Hall, every lively music history class, every coffee in the GC, and every moment I got to spend with my wonderful friends there.

I know I won't always have friends or professors at OBU, but that won't matter. If you are a product of OBU, there's some kind of unexplainable bond you have with people who went before you and after you. I'm so grateful for everyone I met and everything I learned there.

11 week old schedule

2012-01-09T16:46:00.001-06:00

To give you a little glimpse into what a day could look like for a Babywise baby at 11 weeks, here's our schedule each day:

8:00-8:30 Feed Duke
Waketime (time where Duke is up and playing)
Naptime (I pump, eat breakfast, check email, work on budget, read Bible, journal)

11:15-11:30 Feed Duke
Waketime
Naptime (I eat lunch, blog, start laundry, play piano/write)

2:15-2:45 Feed Duke
Waketime
Naptime (I clean, pick up the house, teach lessons)

5:15-5:30 Feed Duke
Waketime
Naptime (I teach lessons, Colt and I eat dinner)

8:15-8:45 Feed Duke
Waketime
Naptime (I spend time with Colt, take my shower, get ready for bed)

11:00-11:15 Feed Duke
Bedtime

Right now, his feedings are anywhere from 25-45 minutes, his waketime is 1 hr and 20 min. to 1 hr and 30 min., and his naps last around 1 1/2-2 hours.

I don't necessarily do everything I listed during each naptime, but those are the things I generally stick to. I will occasionally nap during one of his naptimes if I'm feeling really exhausted.

He is consistently sleeping 8 hours at night and sometime this week, we'll start working towards 9 hours.

The book says as long as your schedule stays within the same 30 minute time slot for each feeding, you'll be okay. So, I give myself bookends on when things need to happen each day. For example, I usually end up feeding Duke around 8:15 every morning, but I know that if I stick within the time frame of 8:00-8:30, his schedule will stay the same.

Right after having Duke, I remember thinking, "What am I supposed to do?" I guess I was expecting a piece of paper with Duke's schedule on it. After reading Babywise, I realized how our day could be structured. A schedule isn't for everyone but it definitely works for me!

half marathon training schedule

2012-01-07T14:07:00.003-06:00

Duke is 11 weeks today and while I've enjoyed having an excuse to not work out, it's time to start it back up.

I've already registered for the OKC Memorial Half Marathon. I ran this race in 2010 and trained for it in 2011, but didn't get to do it.

I'm a little nervous about how training and being a mom to a new baby will happen together. We have a BOB stroller so I will definitely be able to take Duke along for the ride most of the time. However, I'm sure there will be days when I just want to get out there and run without something in my hands. (If any of you moms have juggled these two things, please teach me your ways.)

I've found that a race is really the only thing that will motivate me to stay consistently active. I just have to have boundaries and structure. I need to know that if I don't meet the requirements in front of me, I will suffer the consequences (for example: waste money, have a really bad race, get injured, cry hysterically because I have a really bad race or get injured, etc.). So basically I'm like a child.

Anyway, to keep myself on top of things, I typed out my training schedule. It's a lot of Hal Higdon mixed with a little of Claire Westbrook.

Anybody want to join? We start tomorrow!

hopes and dreams of 2012

2012-01-06T16:30:00.003-06:00

I was thinking about the past year and who I've been.

A girl that I thought was kind of overdone, dramatic, and annoying said something kind to me a few days ago. That's when I discovered something about myself. I'm mean. I don't think the average Joe off the street would think I'm mean but since I'm the one who knows what goes on in my head, I know for sure that I can be mean. I don't say everything I think but there are times that I do.

I thought about why I got such a bad vibe from this girl. And I didn't really have a reason. Everything I thought about her was pretty much assumed. I assume way too much about people when I really don't know their situation or life story. (Being a mom has also pushed me to learn this life lesson.) It's just the truth - you can't judge people or situations when you haven't been there yourself or aren't fully informed. And if you have been in that situation and still think something/someone is stupid, maybe you should allow a little room for grace. (And when I say "you" I mean "me.")

I just need to give people the benefit of the doubt. We are all made up of different things (families, friends, good experiences, bad experiences) so we're all going to live life differently.

2012 will not be the year of the perfect me, but I hope to just be a little nicer than before.

Here are some other dreams for this upcoming year:

-Run 3 races (one being the half marathon in April)
-Keep our room picked up (in other words, I need to keep my clothes off the floor, bed, etc.)
-Save more monies
-Continue working on reading a chapter from the Bible each day
-Start working on a lullaby album (something I've wanted to do for awhile now)
-Start writing a children's book with Colt

I wrote my goals down last year and it was interesting for Colt and I to review our year and look at what we did and didn't do. So, there's my list. What's yours?

blessings in 2011

2012-01-02T17:05:00.001-06:00

(Please excuse Duke's devil eyes. The iphone red eye corrector thing doesn't always work. He really is a nice guy.)

In February, finding out we were having a baby was a great moment. I spent almost all of 2011 being pregnant and I really did enjoy it. Planning for a baby and nursery and everything else that goes with it was scary but very exciting.

I was able to move into a new lifestyle that I've been dreaming of for quite awhile. Being a stay-at-home mom and teaching piano was something I had always hoped to do and I was able to finally start doing it. It was not a dreamy life right at first. Now it is truly one of the most beautiful things I've been a part of. The amount of love in my heart for my little boy is indescribable.

Some of my friends brought little people into the world this year that are absolutely precious. Next year, more little people are on the way. Duke is already surrounded by a huge group of boys and girls who have amazing, godly parents. I get emotional thinking about it. I can't wait to see them all grow up together.

Our band's name changed. We are now Mopak. With a new-ish sound and a new band member, a new name was only appropriate. We began recording at Blackwatch Studios in Norman and plan on finishing up in February.

I also started recording my own little album. I've taken a little break due to a few life changes, but hopefully it'll get wrapped up in the next couple of months. I'm excited to have finally done something that I'd been talking about for years and years.

I started to blog more consistently. Spending more time at home allowed for this and I've really enjoyed it. I know that later in life I will love looking back on old posts. I think it will be a special thing for our family to have.

The last 3 months of the year were filled with our 3 year anniversary, my fake water breaking, contractions, childbirth, baby blues, figuring out motherhood, and lots of holiday craziness. 2011 was a year of life change. I am not the person I was last January and I'm glad about that.

Now, looking forward to the hopes and dreams of 2012 ...

friday favorite - lullaby by jewel

2011-12-30T11:29:00.003-06:00

The album "Lullaby" by Jewel holds a special little place in my heart. My mom bought it for me before Duke was born and I decided I would play it at night as he went to sleep.

Well, get your tissues, ladies and gentlemen. Yes, I had a serious case of the baby blues, but I couldn't listen to that CD without bawling the first 2 weeks.

I liked Jewel as an awkward teen but I wasn't a crazy fan. I think her voice is the best it's ever sounded on this album. She has found her niche.

Some songs on the album are covers like "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star" and "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" and some are originals. They're just so sweet. One of my favorites is "Forever and a Day."

The other day you asked me to
Tell you how much I love you.
Oh but words so often fail,
To describe the depth and scale,
and even though it may sound cliche,
I'll tell you now in my simple way.

My love is as true as the oceans are blue,
and I always feel this way.
Just listen to the beating that keeps repeating
My heart wants to say
Like Gala and Dali, it's you and me,
Forever and a day.
Forever and a day,
Always

You watch me turn out the light,
Wrap my arms around you, say good night.
Trace our shadows on the wall.
Thank God for the miracle of it all.

If I would've read this a year ago, I would have dissected the lyrics and thought it was extremely cheesy. Now that I'm a mom, I understand every word. The love you have for your child is indescribable and overwhelming.

Anyway, mom or not, you should give this album a listen. :)

letters to duke - 2 months

2011-12-23T13:58:00.000-06:00

December 22, 2011

Dear Duke,

Well, I only thought you made fun noises last month! The cooing, giggles, and smiles that come from you are the best part of my day. I'll never forget that night we were in Stillwater and you giggled after a late night feeding. At first, I was wishing everyone would've gotten to hear it; but the fact that it was just between you and me made it that much sweeter.

You're really focusing in on faces now and it feels like you really know I'm your mom which, of course, melts my heart. The fact that I can say or do things that make you smile is a great feeling!

Your dad likes to move his phone from side to side and watch your eyes follow it. When he sings to you or plays guitar, you listen so intently.

You have had a few explosions this month with poop, pee, and spit up all at the same time. Although it's gross and sometimes frustrating, it means you get to take a bath. You aren't in love with baths, but you don't hate them either. You kinda just sit there with concerned looking eyebrows. When you're wet in that bathtub, it's almost too much for me! I just think, "Is this my precious baby??" After a bath, my favorite thing to do is put you in footie pajamas. (I pretty much keep you in those all day every day. They're just too cute!) Cuddling with you after a bath is just perfect.

During the day, one of your favorite places to lay is on your Baby Einstein playmat. You come alive when you're looking at that thing! That's when you really start cooing and making sweet sounds. You also love looking at the lights on our Christmas tree. I love to watch you look around and observe everything. I have my phone out quite a bit taking pictures and videos. I send them to your dad while he's at work and it makes him so happy.

We've got your schedule down and it's nice to know when you'll be eating, sleeping, and playing during the day. You eat every 3 (sometimes 3 1/2) hours for around 35-50 minutes. You spit up a LOT, which is not fun, but we just plan on soaking burp rags, towels, and our clothes every day. Including your feeding time, you're usually awake around an hour and 20 minutes to an hour and a half. By that point, you are ready for a nap! Your naps are usually an hour and a half to two hours.

Around 6-7 weeks, you hinted at sleeping through the night, giving us 6 or 7 hour stretches. But by 8 weeks, you consistently started sleeping 8 hours at night. I remember walking into your room after the first night of sleeping 8 hours. I kept saying, "Thank you, Duke!" 8 hours of sleep makes your mom a nicer person. :)

We were a little more adventurous this month. We took you to Cuppies and Joe twice and you did a great job! When your dad and I need some time out, we'll grab some coffee and just drive around with you. You love your carseat and you always fall asleep.

We found out at your 2 month appointment that you are 11 lbs. 5 oz. and 23 1/2 inches long. You also did something at your appointment that you had never done before ... you rolled over from tummy to back! I was so proud! You can reach things on your playmat and bouncer that you were never able to reach before.

I'm thankful for 2 months with you and look forward to celebrating our first Christmas together. I love you, sweet Duke.

Love,
Mom

how to survive the first month

2011-12-21T16:40:00.000-06:00

Now that Duke is almost (one more day!) two months, I can look at that first month and really see what (or who) got me through it.

1. I tried but I just couldn’t leave him in his crib the first night. I cried and cried looking at his little body ... all alone. So, I put him in the bouncer next to our bed. The next few nights were SO hard, but we did it. We put him in his crib. I couldn't have done it without Colt reassuring me that he really was fine. So, since the second night home, Duke slept in his crib. Each night got easier and I got more and more used to it. Colt and I decided early on that we'd register for a bassinet but if we didn't get one, we'd do without it. I think it was a good choice. I didn't get attached to Duke being so close to me and he was comfortable in his crib early on.

2. We used our monitors when Duke was sleeping for the first several nights. It was a comfort for me to have them on, but I would jump and flinch at every little sound he made. I realized (thanks to my mom) that we could hear the sounds that mattered without the monitors. I mean, here we were in our bed ... Colt had a monitor on his nightstand and I had a monitor on mine. We were within feet of Duke's room. It really was kind of silly. We needed our sleep (what we could get) and with 2 monitors on, it wasn't going to happen. It was a good piece of advice from my mom and I'm glad we took it.

3. Everybody needs somebody. I don't care if it's your husband, mom, sister, aunt, whoever ... but somebody needs to come over and help you during the day. My mom totally saved my life. I needed her more in that month, it feels like, than ever before. She went to the store for us, brought us meals, held Duke, changed diapers, let me take naps ... and the list goes on. After a nap one morning, I woke up to a clean kitchen, warm blueberry muffins, and a happy baby. I'll never forget it. She is my hero.

4. Starting Babywise was a breath of fresh air. It solved a lot of my "I have no idea what I'm doing" moments. Next time, I'm starting it earlier. The book says to let your baby do whatever for that first week, but you can still begin to establish the cycles of eating/waking/sleeping.

5. I allowed myself to be among civilization. Colt and I had some nights out, thanks to the grandparents; and I had some nights away with some friends, thanks to the husband. So, whether it's a date night or some alone time for you to grab coffee and pretend you're still human, it helps.

6. Sleep when the baby sleeps? I did it as much as I could, but there were some times when I just wanted to be awake doing what I wanted to do. And that's okay. Sure, I could've fit some more naps in during that first month, but doing things around the house kept me sane.

7. We were so blessed to have our meals taken care of for about 3 weeks. It's amazing how just knowing what you're having for dinner each night is a weight off your shoulders. If someone offered to bring lunch, I let them ... although the polite bones in my body wanted to sweetly say, "Oh, no, I'm fine." But the truth was, I wasn't fine! I needed help and I needed food.

8. I couldn't have lived through it without Colt. That month holds a lot of arguments and intense times but it also holds a lot of sweet moments. I realized that I not only married someone who is a great husband but a wonderful father as well.

"Surviving" doesn't make it sound fun and not every mom necessarily feels like that's what they're doing the first month ... but I did. It's a month of learning about your baby, yourself, your husband, and your new life.

preparing for a natural birth

2011-12-19T16:31:00.001-06:00

I think I can, I think I can ...

Sometimes I still think to myself, "Did I really give birth naturally?? Me??" I'm not asking that because I think I'm awesome, but because I just can't believe I did it.

Some people have asked me how I prepared for it. I don't feel like I did a whole lot to get myself ready, but here are the things I can tell you:

1. Around week 24, I started doing prenatal yoga 3-5 times a week. I definitely could tell a difference between the days I did it and the days I didn't. On the days I missed it, I felt tighter all over and just more uncomfortable in general. The yoga lady kept saying, "This will help strengthen the muscles you will use during childbirth." I'm not sure how much it influenced childbirth but if it made it easier than normal, I would certainly not want to know what 'normal' feels like!

2. You have to mentally prepare. As I neared the end of my pregnancy, I was thinking about giving birth ... a lot. Everyday I had to remind myself that I can do this and that I am capable. But not only do you have to host a mental battle in your head, you have to deal with the comments, looks, smirks, or eye-rolls people give you when you say, "I'm going to try doing it naturally." I'm not sure what people think they're gaining by attempting to make you feel stupid, but whatever. You will probably run into a few of those scrooges so get your response ready ... whether it's a verbal response or just a look that will send them melting into the ground.

3. To go along with the above paragraph, you must have people that are encouraging you. My closest friends were always telling me I could do it. Of course, Colt was there by my side for the entire process and never hinted at, "You know, you could get an epidural, Claire." He supported me 100% in trying it this way and coached me all the way through.

4. Coaching ... yes, Colt was my 'coach,' I suppose. In my opinion, you need someone to go through this with you. We didn't take any birthing classes and I didn't have a doula but Colt did a great job and hey, I didn't have to pay him. If he said or did something that I did NOT like, I told him and he changed it. Fighting is not an option when you're in that kind of pain. He was flexible. If I wanted him to rub my back, he would. If I gave him the look of death 10 minutes later when he tried to rub my back, he'd immediately stop. Whoever you have with you needs to understand you and be able to go with the flow. The lady in labor is always right.

5. I didn't read a full book on natural birth, but I did read bits and pieces from different books I checked out from the library. One even had a practice CD with ... noises ... and things you can 'hum' or groan during labor. There was some kind of science or method to it, but I didn't spend a whole lot of time with that book. :) What I liked reading were the success stories of women who had positive natural birth experiences. I chose not to learn about every crazy detail of labor and delivery though. For me, the phrase "ignorance is bliss" proved true in this area.

I know it's not much, but that's what I did. I had a baby so I guess it turned out alright! Any tips from any other moms out there?

friday favorite - the christmas tree

2011-12-16T16:50:00.001-06:00

Tom, my father-in-law, said with a smile, "So, is this your tree for now? Or is this your tree?" I smiled and said, "This is my tree."

No ornaments and no garland ... just lights and the star on top. My initial plan wasn't to leave it like this but after enjoying a few mornings of just the lights, it grew on me. I asked Colt if he minded and he didn't.

One of my most favorite parts about Christmas is putting up our tree. I've always loved taking time to decorate it on a perfect night of Christmas movies in the background and apple cider in the crockpot; but no pinterest-esque decorating night for me this year. I'm not being a scrooge. I just didn't want to spend the time it takes to do it, partly because I had no energy and partly because I really do enjoy the simplicity of the tree.

I can't believe how close we are to Christmas. It seems like this entire holiday season is flying by. Last year around this time, Colt and I had quite the ~~argument~~ discussion. Things were piling up and overwhelming me and I didn't feel like I would get to have time at home with Colt to actually feel the season of Christmas. This year, I have time and by golly, I will enjoy it!

So, here's to a simple and slow rest of the Christmas season.

introduction to babywise

2011-12-15T16:25:00.003-06:00

This is the book that saved me. Some friends recommended it before Duke was born, but my mind was still on all things pregnancy so I didn't think much about it.

All it takes is 3 weeks - 3 weeks of not knowing what to do with a newborn baby while being absolutely sleep-deprived and hormonal. I was losing my mind. I had a little flashback and remembered my friends suggesting this book. I didn't care what it was or what it said, but I was going to read it. I needed answers.

As I read it, I started implementing different concepts in the book. It was amazing. I was automatically seeing results and I felt like a new person.

What is Babywise? I'll just give you my brief description. Babywise focuses on a cycle of eating, waking, and sleeping. This cycle repeats itself all day long. It's predictable and, eventually, you fall into a schedule with your baby. Along with this cycle come longer stretches of sleep at night. Within days of starting Babywise, Duke was sleeping 5-6 hours straight at night.

That's an extremely short explanation and I'm leaving a lot out, but that's the general idea. There's so much more to it than just getting your baby to sleep through the night, but in the beginning that was my reason for reading it. There are many benefits to Babywise and I'm sure I'll continue seeing more as Duke gets older.

I keep asking myself, "How did I even function without it those first 3 weeks?" Well, I guess I didn't. I was pretty much a monster. We can all laugh about it now though, can't we? :)

I'll continue posting little bits and pieces about my experience with Babywise. Hopefully some of you will find (or have found) it as helpful as I have!

the blues, part 2

2011-12-14T17:00:00.003-06:00

With all the comments and messages I received, it's amazing these kinds of feelings aren't spoken of more often. I really appreciate you guys reading my post and giving me feedback. So many moms have felt/feel this way and what better way to get through it than to know you're not alone and that it's been done before. I think people are just too fearful or prideful to admit it until they know it's normal.

I didn't go into detail about how bad it really was. There wasn't anything sweet or pretty about it. It was an ugly time for me and definitely a marriage tester. I thought my life had been taken from me and, at the same time, was reading these bubbly status updates from new moms about how cute their baby was and how wonderful their life was. I will say those first few days did feel like quite the dream ... but that went away quickly. I could have easily pretended the first 2 weeks and said things like, "Cuddling on the couch with Colt and Duke while the fire is going ... could I ask for anything more??" Um, yes, yes you could. How about sleep, time, hobbies, etc.? Yeah, it wasn't feeling too dreamy.

Now listen ... if you are the 'bubbly status update' mom, that's great! I know this baby blues thing doesn't affect everyone so if you really were having the time of your life with your newborn, more power to you! From my perspective, it felt like everyone loved this mom lifestyle from the start and I just didn't get it. Even more than feeling alone, I felt wrong. So, tag on some guilt to the baby blues and you've got quite the unstable human being.

Instead of making this new life out to be nothing but butterflies and rainbows, I decided to be real about it; not negative, but real. My hope was that after reading it, some new mom could say, "I'm not the only one! I feel so much better."

Now that I'm approaching the end of week 8, I can say that my baby blues were gone by that 5th week. (Of course, I still have a rough day every once and awhile; but in general, I'm feeling great about life.) Trust me, I wanted to get on here and just bleed all of my hopeless feelings out into the internet abyss when it was actually happening ... but I refrained. Instead, I opened up a Word document and typed away every time I was overcome with sadness, anger, frustration, etc. I told myself that if I come out of all of this (because it really seemed unending), I'm blogging about it. And here I am!

So, a question for you moms ... how long did you deal with the baby blues? Your honest comment just may be the thing that pulls another mom through it. :)

i've got the (baby) blues

2011-12-12T16:30:00.002-06:00

I'd heard about the baby blues and because I'm naturally more of a melancholy person, I figured I'd end up dealing with them when I finally had a baby.

And I was right. There is nothing like the exhaustion you experience the first 2 weeks of a new baby. It's like living with slumber party sickness every day (the kind of feeling you have when you've stayed up way too late at a friend's house and had way too many skittles and oreos) mixed with uncontrollable emotions you've never felt before.

Week 1 - My emotions were off the charts for sure. Everything made me cry. I'm not exaggerating when I say "everything." I was tired but I was also overcome with a love for this little person and I didn't know how to handle it. I was in charge of this human's life. He would forever be my son. Every moment he celebrates, I will celebrate with him. Every rough spot in life that he has, I will feel also. I said to Colt, "I don't think my heart can handle loving both of you." It was true. It may sound funny, but it was so much love that it was almost painful. I would hold him or nurse him while crying (bawling) at the same time. I'd try to sing to him, but the words would choke me up every time. Week 1 = Crying every day and maybe all day.

Week 2 - The love for Duke was still there but it was paired with a little resentment towards my new lifestyle. My brain would whirl with these thoughts: All I'll ever do is change diapers and feed a baby for the rest of my life. I'm not interesting anymore. I don't have time for anything I want to do. I can't ever just lay down for an extended period of time. I'm never going to sleep ever again. Being a mom is hard and I don't know if I can do it. I didn't like the new "me." It felt like someone had taken over my mind/life. I mentioned my fear of losing the 'Colt and Claire' with a new baby in a post before Duke was born. This was the week I realized my fear was a reality. I cried to Colt one night saying, "You're my favorite part of life," and wondering if I would ever get to spend quality time with him again. Week 2 = Questioning everything in my life and my ability to be a mother.

Week 3 - My mind was not totally consumed with negativity and sadness. There were just moments of it. Colt and I tried to be more considerate of each other and our feelings and exhaustion. And although going to the bathroom and getting in the shower seemed like the only ‘me time’ activities I got, I could see how I'll get some more time eventually. The light was beginning to show. The best news of all? There were actually some days that I didn't cry! This was an accomplishment. I got out a few times that week and enjoyed interacting with humankind again. Things weren't easy and I still wasn't getting any good sleep, but I was starting to feel like myself. That was important. Week 3 = I think I can, I think I can.

Week 4 - This was a huge week for me. I started Babywise this week. If you don't know what that is, I'm going to talk about it a lot in future posts. If you do know what it is, you probably love it as much as I do. I will say that it totally saved my life. This week Duke began to really make changes in how long he slept at night, I felt more in control of everything because of routine, and life was looking brighter! Week 4 = I'm a mom and I think I like it now!

Not that I would wish those 4 weeks away, but ... kind of. I can see how down the road I'd say, "Awe, aren't these just the sweetest moments?" to you and your newborn. At that point, you would want to punch me (just like I wanted to punch some of you ... ohh, I'm half kidding). My point is that those 4 weeks are nice to have behind me. Each of those weeks gradually got better and better and even now, they are continuing to be more fun and just a bit easier than the one before.

Hopefully, you soon-to-be first time moms can find rest in knowing that you are not alone if you feel like you've gone crazy and someone from Mars has taken over your body. There is one thing people said to me over and over that just really sent me into a crazy land ... "It gets better, I promise." Oh, I hated hearing that. I hated hearing it because I couldn't imagine it. But, here I am, saying it to you ... It really does get better. I promise. :)

friday favorite - international cafe

2011-12-09T16:30:00.004-06:00

This is probably really ridiculous to legit coffee ~~snobs~~ lovers. I love it though.

I was introduced to it at a young age and we met again a few months ago when I was trying to convince Colt I needed a Keurig. Needed. After weighing the pros and cons and money it takes to keep buying those little cups, we decided not to purchase one. Because it was more Colt's decision than mine, I told him that in place of the Keurig, I would need to have a constant supply of French Vanilla International Cafe coffee mix. He agreed to it.

One of my most favorite parts of the day is sipping on my fake coffee drink. Take a break from being totally cool and try it!