Iam4Thai - I am for FREEDOM!!

Here is the engagement picture!!

2008-06-13T00:50:00.001-07:00

There it is...

our engagement picture!!

AND THAT'S ALL YOU'RE GONNA GET!!!

Come September 20th to the wedding (invitations to come) to see more!!

LOVE YOU ALL!!!

just to clear a few things up...

2008-06-12T02:44:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was the single most amazing day of my life...I was supposed to have a fancy dinner with friends, but it ended up being the night that the man of my dreams, one, JASON ROHMAN of Woodland Park, Co, walked up behind me and changed my life. I turned around from an intentional distraction of local friends (the Mitchells and Lyndy) to see him walking up to me looking debonair and dead sexy in a khaki colored suit with the biggest grin on his face. I wasn't sure what to do, so as most of you will see in the video, I didn't do anything but looked quite dumbfounded. I stared at him as I tried to process many things at once...wait, this is Hawaii...Jason said one day he'd come, but not today...and he's supposed to meet me at the airport in Denver...and what is he doing here?? Realizing my friends knew all about it with their video cameras trained on me...

He walks up, hugs me, tells me, "God has done some amazing things in my heart. I love you and want to marry you. Will you marry me?" And gets down on one knee to give me the ring...it is then that I realize what is happening to me and I say, "Hold on a sec, let me put down my purse and my camera...HEY IS SOMEONE VIDEOTAPING THIS??? AM I ON SOME TV SHOW??? THIS IS CRAZY!!!" Then realize I haven't answered him yet, and yell out, "YES YES YES YES I will marry you...that's all I've ever wante

d." As he gets up and I put on the most beautiful ring ever (pics will be coming), the staff at the restaurant nearby start clapping, people are poking each other...it was the most romantic moment of my lifetime...followed by very little dinner as we just wanted to hold hands and talk...and then walking on the beach and some dancing and some smooching!!!

HAHA!!! I'M ENGAGED!!! OH HOW GOOD THE LORD IS TO THOSE WHO WAIT!!!

This is us at my 30th birthday...he doesn't have a long beard now and my hair isn't black anymore...I have engagement pics that I will send out very soon...with ring pics and everything...

Oh and for the important details...

1. we're getting married on Sept. 20th - all plans are in progress...

2. we're going to live in Woodland Park

3. we will be amazingly happy as both of us have waited patiently for the best and it has come!!!

4. as soon as i know more, i might tell you...or i might just let you find out on the 20th!!

LOVE YOU ALL!!!

Two days left...

2008-06-05T02:01:00.000-07:00

With only about two days left here in Chiang Rai before heading out on an overnight bus to Bangkok with my friend, Jessica, almost every bit of time is scheduled with friends...last dinners, last times shopping at the night bazaar, last coffees, last...and the list goes on. I, though absolutely hating goodbyes, am so SO CONFIDENT in what is to come that it makes the saying goodbyes easier to know that I'm about to say hello to some really uber sweet stuff and that what is about to come into my life is much bigger and better than anything I could even imagine!

From friends and some sweet goodbye prayer times, a few scriptures have been passed onto me from the Lord and they are pretty specific (in my opinion) and inspiring. Here they are...starting with Proverbs 25:2 - It is God's privilege to conceal things and the King's privilege to discover them. This scripture has so pushed me into the Lord's presence as I "wait and see" what He has planned next for me. All I've gotten from Him is "Wait and See," so when you ask me what I'm doing next, that might be the only answer I can give you.

Ecclesiastes 9:7-10 (From The Message): "Seize life! Eat bread with gusto, drink wine with a robust heart. Oh yes--God takes pleasure in your pleasure! Dress festively every morning. Don't skimp on colors and scarves. Relish life with the spouse you love each and every day of your precarious life. Each day is God's gift. It's all you get in exchange for the hard work of staying alive. Make the most of each one! Whatever turns up, grab it and do it. And heartily! This is your last and only chance at it! For there's neither work to do nor thoughts to think in the company of the dead, where you're most certainly headed." This is so the way I've been created to live life and it helps me embrace what I see as sometimes the "ridiculous" in myself. More than that, it speaks to me of Him providing what I need to do and the way I need to live. No whackers!! No worries!!

Jeremiah 17: 6-7 (from The Message): "Cursed is the strong one who depends on mere humans, who thinks he can make it on muscle alone and sets God aside as dead weight. He's like a tumbleweed on the prairie, out of touch with the good earth. he lives rootless and aimless in a land where nothing grows. But blessed is the man who trusts me, God, the WOMAN WHO STICKS WITH GOD!!! They're like trees replanted in Eden, putting down roots near the rivers--Never a worry through the hottest of summers, never dropping a leaf, serene and calm through droughts, bearing fresh fruit every season." OH SO MUCH!!! I'm learning simplicity, which is my word for my time here and might be a new tattoo on my right wrist when I return home.

All that to say...God is preparing me for the return home fully loaded and overwhelmed and I CANNOT WAIT!!! I'm in awe at the moment to moment provision as I pray, He moves...He's way too good for me!! I already have a family who has offered me a room to live in for awhile, which is in town so I can ride my bike everywhere until it starts snowing and possibly even after that. I have a part time job at Starbucks lined up for when I return. I have some pretty sweet passions and also some specific words about what comes next, but in the waiting and seeing to see how it all comes together.

On how you can pray for me in this transition and re-entry time:

1. From what I've heard the debriefing time is difficult after a long term missionary stint and hard for one re-entering their own culture...so grace and peace in the process and the ability to hold tightly onto the hand of the Father as I walk through this with Him. I will have some sweet time in Honolulu, Hawaii with some missionary friends from Texas and some YWAM girls that came for their DTS here. So sweet of the Lord to connect us and send me there on the way home before diving headfirst into the whirlwind and much anticipated family and friend time in Texas and then home to Colorado.

2. I covet your prayers for my foot, which is full on infected as a result of pulling a gate over it and wounding it pretty severely. I have pictures if you want to see them. I went to the hospital today and have bigtime serious antibiotics and some oozy stuff for the outside to keep it clean whilst traveling and on airplanes and in airports and on overnight buses.

3. I am also currently sick with stomach issues of some sort whether from food poisoning or from some bad chicken...intestinal cramps and Montezuma's revenge...it is brutal and tough and I'm just exhausted from a week of ending school and saying goodbyes. Doesn't take much to bring out the tears!! Especially being sick...

4. For all the details to be taken care of in the transition time and return...money, mattress, bookshelf, car/motorbike, all those little things but things that nonetheless the Lord has promised to provide. I am confident as I already have a place to live!!

If you feel led to help with traveling and/or transition costs, you can send the support to:

Joy to the World Foundation

4570 Hilton Parkway, Suite 203

Colorado Springs, CO 80907

Iam4Thai - project name

I love you! I cannot wait to see you and catch up with each and every one of you!!

Two days left...

2008-06-05T01:53:00.000-07:00

Transitioning...

2008-05-27T21:36:00.001-07:00

With all the counting down and thinking I was ready, it still hit me yesterday driving to the airport to drop off my friend, Keenan, that this time here is almost over. I have two weeks before I will be full on leaving and on an airplane from Thailand to Hawaii to connect with friends and have some downtime at the beach with God and then to Texas to see family and friends in a whirlwind week of excitement and visits and memories made, then home to Colorado on the 23rd of June.

Please pray for me in the transitioning as it is already emotionally catching up with me...

Pray that God's favor rests on every part of my next two weeks...

Mercies on the traveling part...

Sweet tenderness for my heart in the saying of lots of goodbyes...

Also - for my foot, which has an infection in it from when I ran over it with a gate...just keep praying that it will heal!

Love you all and cannot wait to see you at some point in the transition...

The winding down of the school year...

2008-05-09T19:57:00.001-07:00

I'm excited that Keenan, from Colorado, and Angela, from Colorado but in Australia for a year, are coming to visit. I go to Bangkok on Sunday night on the overnight bus to meet them and hang out and shop at export shops and watch English movies and drink Starbucks coffee and just be together.

But I'm sad that it's not much longer till I come home as saying goodbye is one of my least favorite things to do. Honestly I think I would rather get a tooth pulled or a shot of gammaglobulin (which if you haven't had one, it's based on your weight and is like pushing jello through the eye of a needle). You get how much I hate goodbyes...it was hard coming out here and it will be hard going home.

And only 3 and 1/2 weeks of school left!! There's a lot to do in those few weeks...we have a cultural arts contest where the kids write, paint, dance, sing, play music on one theme - many cultures, one family. Then the next weekend is the first annual Chiang Rai FLC Sprint Distance Triathlon, the story follows. Then the next weekend is the Awards Banquet and then the last week of school with all its excitement - packing up boxes, packing up books, cleaning up classrooms, FLC soccer game, graduation and the last school dance. Then the next day I head to Bangkok with all my worldly possessions that I currently own, excluding those in Colorado that Keenan took back for me and all my winter clothes (not needed here at all). The following day, June 9th, I start my flights home with a short layover in Hawaii to debrief with some missionary friends and then to Texas for 8 days and home to Colorado on June 23rd. Not much longer...

So the story on the 1st Annual Chiang Rai Sprint Distance Triathlon...Sounds official, huh? Well, really it's just a friend, William, who has made significant changes in his personal health in losing over 100 lbs and wanted to host a race. I have been working out as well, and thought it would be awesome! So that is how the first annual race was born. Next Saturday, May 24th, we will be swimming 750m, biking 20k, and running a 5k, which for me will be walking after I've completed the other two, but when I return to Colorado, I am going to begin training for a 5k race to run completely September 1st with a few of my closest friends in Woodland who are training for 1/2 and full marathons.

I cannot say for those who have been supporting me in funds and in prayers, exactly how grateful I am. This time in Thailand has been life changing and Stefanie-redefining. I am so thankful to have partnered with you and to have you enable me to reach awesome missionary and non-missionary kids in Thailand at the Family Learning Center. It has been a great time and I plan on finishing well!!

If you feel led to assist with traveling expenses or funds to help in re-establishing life in Colorado, all will be greatly appreciated. My plans for returning are to get there, then wait and see what God has for me. If it was a year ago, I might not have been able to do this, but having trusted God and lived on Him for a year, it's a bit easier. Notice I said a bit...it is not easy to abide or to wait and see, but that is my only option other than completely stressing out and having freakouts and panic attacks. Waiting and seeing really is the best option.

SPRING BREAK 2008 PICTURES...WAHOO!!!!

2008-04-21T04:36:00.000-07:00

THE LONG AWAITED SPRING BREAK PICTURES

It all started in Bangkok for 3 days and the pictures are random...what so overwhelmed in Bangkok was the traffic!! I didn't realize the extent to which I love small city hometown life, but I DO!!!And then OUTBACK STEAKHOUSE!!! We ate there and it was the most enjoyed meal!! Steaks aren't in huge quantities here and the ones available are both expensive and not so delish! SO IT WAS A SPECIAL PART OF SPRING BREAK!!!

So you see the sign for MBK, which is one of the five malls in downtown Bangkok. THIS MALL WAS CUH-RAZY!! It was like 8 floors of stores not bigger than 2 aisles of clothes packed in or shoes packed in or sardines (at least that is what it felt like) and each store had music on and then there was music going in the main part of the mall. There must have been four thousand people in that one mall or maybe more. I realized exactly how ADHD I am as I couldn't concentrate on anything...conversation with friends, what I thought I wanted to buy...nothing!!

The picture to the right and just above reminded me of A Tree Grows in Brooklyn, but it would be A Tree Grows in Bangkok! I loved it...the growth sometimes that you can find in harsh places...reminded me of how good God is to me in the midst of hard times.

On the left is the place we stayed in Bangkok...pretty nice huh??

AND THE BEACH PICTURES...

Hua Hin was most beautiful and we had such a great time...there were six of us...Beth, Aim (husband and wife), Rachel, Amy, Ryan, and I. We laid out at the beach almost every day and I look quite Thai now...haha, that is when the Lobster red turned into brown!

Just below, you see EVER and what I miss most about Texas and even Colorado...barbecue!! I had ribs, some pulled pork, beans (not very good),my favorite meal cornbread Thai style with chilies in it and a piece of watermelon! It was by far the best meal I had while on break! In case you are wondering, what is she doing with her fingers? It is a Thai thing...the girls in Chiang Rai when taking pictures do that (I have no idea why, but it has almost become natural and still very weird).These are the peeps...Ryan, Rachel and Amy, then Me, Beth and Aim. You can hardly tell the difference between me and a Thai person...or at least now as the red has gone away!!

I think that is the absolute picture of relaxation...feet sandy (the natural pumice), laid back on a lounge chair in the sun at the beach with the entire ocean in front of you...what a time it was!!

You notice in the above picture at the barbecue restaurant, I have french braids in my hair. I had showered that night and braided them so I could have curly hair the following day - for fun! However for me, it didn't quite work out as planned. I unbraided it to find a beautiful afro hidden underneath (symbolic of my hidden inner diva - haha!)...but more like a primping job gone awry!!

Love you all so much! See you in not too many days now!!

a song you need to hear

2008-04-14T09:43:00.000-07:00

A dear friend sent me an email with part of this song in it, and I wanted to share it with you all as it had such a great ginormous (and lots of other bigger words) impact on me as I listened to it. All of you who know me know that I'm a cryer during sappy love movies, ridiculous Disney movies, and also at very important times...as Mark Weaver (a CO brother and friend) says, "Pay attention to what makes you cry as it is important" (i butchered his very intelligent words, but i haven't heard him speak in awhile, so i'm doing the best i can from so far away).

As I listened to this song, "Peace" by Jason Upton, it pulled on some major things in my heart and made me weep. And I'm taking time to pay attention to those things. You can be praying for me as I do...

Here is a sight where you can hear it: http://mirjamruth.imeem.com/music/b4yZAvdb/jason_upton_peace/

and here are the lyrics:

Peace
From Open Up the Earth by Jason Upton

I wanna know Your heart
Like a child knows his father
And I wanna know Your voice
Like my little boy knows my voice

When I hear You at a distance
When the world can’t make it out
I can hear it comin
Your voice, oh Father
Your voice, oh Father
The still, small voice

And I wanna hear your Voice, oh Father
Even when it seems at a distance
When people think I’m crazy
For thinking I can hear You

I wanna know Your voice, oh Father
I wanna hear it comin
I wanna be the first around the corner
To take Your hand and walk with You
To the chair that You have
And sit down on Your lap and hold on

Sometimes that’s all we do as children
Is just hear Your voice come runnin’ round the corner
And hold on

Sometimes that’s what it feels like to be a child of God
It’s just holding on

And I declare over you that the enemy’s camp tonight
Is not fearful of a generation puffed up with Christian pride
But a childlike generation
That all it knows how to do is hold on

I wanna hold on to You Father
More than I run and play or dance around
I wanna hold on to you Father
Sit on your lap and hear Your voice whisper over me
In the midst of the storm, “Peace.”

Oh I give you peace
The strength of a generation is peace
Jesus said, “I want to give you peace, oh children.”
Oh, the peace that comes beyond the understanding
Oh, the peace that comes on knowing the whisper of a father

I give you peace
In the midst of your brokenness
I give you peace
In the midst of your emptiness
I give you peace
In the midst of the moments when you feel so dry
I give you peace
I give you peace
I give you peace
When you feel you can’t go on
I give you peace
When rejection’s far too much
I give you peace
When the shame, the shame’s too unbarable
And the world seems so cruel, I give you
I give you peace
The times you take off
I give you peace
The times you are fearful
I give you peace
The peace of a child
Holdin’ on

I wanna see the cloud
The cloud coming
When no one else sees the cloud
I wanna see it’s coming
Gimme eyes, oh father, and faith like a child
And ability to feel the same and know it
I see it comin’ now
I wanna see you comin
Before the world, i wanna see you comin
I wanna know you’re comin
Over the army, over the warriors
Know you’re comin
You’re comin to rescue me
I know you’re comin
In the midst of the trial
I know you’re comin
In the midst of the circumstance
I know you’re comin
So I’ll wait

In restlessness that’s only that of a child waiting for his dad
Shaking on the inside
Can’t wait til you come home
Can’t wait til you come home
Can’t wait til you come home
Can’t wait til you come home
Gimme the faith of a child
With a restlessness inside
Just waiting to see you, father
Before anyone else sees you
Waiting to hear you, father
When your voice is still off in the distance
I hear you comin
I can hear you comin
Your kingdom coming
I wanna be your child

the beach...

2008-04-07T20:33:00.000-07:00

i just came back from a week at the beach in hua hin, thailand...thankfully a friend owns a villa there and allowed me and five friends to stay there for a very very small amount of money! it was a week of relaxation, swimming in the ocean, swimming in the pool, playing pool, checking internet once a day only, eating good food like barbecue (oh how i miss it), hamburgers and french fries (always lovely), chicken and som tam and sticky rice (i think my favorite thai meal), having starbucks coffee (love it too and miss it already), and so much more! fond memories made on the beach with friends that i didn't know that well, but now know much better!

it also included a body floating up to the shore, pushed by the waves...from what we saw, he had been in the water at least overnight if not longer...rigor mortised, bloated, scratched up from some rocks and shot at least 3 times...the Thai workers on the beach, pulled him out of the water and covered him up with a towel only...his arm was still sticking up...it was crazy as we all waited for the cops to show up and people would be walking down the beach, calmly strolling, pondering life and its meaning, then they would see him laying there, do a double take as he was covered up with a towel and the closer they got, they could see he wasn't moving and they probably caught a hint of his 'smell'...then they would go the nearest person and talk about it, usually gesturing wildly! it was amazing and one moment or a few moments that i will never forget!

and still there's almost 8 more days of spring break to read 2 Dickens' novels, write, exercise for the triathlon coming up in 8 weeks and rest...

awww rest!! and only 61 more days until i leave Thailand head for home...seems to be speeding up as my goal still is to BE fully wherever i am...this week i realized if i put my roots deep down into God and into His love, i can do that...so that is what i'm doing...putting my roots deep down into Him!

Sonnet writing in 11th grade LA...

2008-03-26T21:13:00.000-07:00

With my two 11th graders this week, we did sonnet circle writing, where each of us started our own poem then switched in a circle, taking turns writing a line each time. We started each sonnet giving it some direction and then finished the couplet (last 2 lines) in order to conclude it as we wanted.

Here is mine...

"Now's" Sonnet (the sonnet owned by right now)

There is one thing that makes my heart beat fast,
fast, fast, fast, faster than I've ever had,
Today I saw a guy I like walk past,
I followed him, he turned and looked so sad,
I asked him gently if there's something wrong,
I was so glad he had me in his eye,
He spoke to me his heart wounds that went long,
And he could take more time which I wouldn't mind,
We shared the time that would last to the end,
because all we're guaranteed is right now,
I wish I could stop time where we had spent,
I promise I will not let you feel down.
From this moment on, it is just us two,
I am all you'll need; all I want is you.

I started this poem and wrote every third line and the couplet at the end...what fun and challenge - having an idea of where I want to go and it being different from the other two writers, but still having to keep it moving the same direction!!

Thoughts on Easter and trust...

2008-03-21T21:15:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I had an inspiring conversation with my mentor at school, where we talked about trust and how much easier it is to trust in things like getting in your car and knowing you will most likely make it to work or that the coffee you are about to drink is good for you or at least will satisfy some need in your body or the food that you are about to ingest from a food stall on the streets of Thailand will not kill you and that the deworming you recently did will keep you safe from worms that have in other people gone to their brain and killed them or that you will have enough money to pay for rent or an endless number of things...

I trust in all that more than I trust in God because it is easier to trust in the chair that I'm about to sit in than something so big and intimidating and something I cannot touch but is still all around me. Why is that?

After the conversation I began asking God that in this season, on the celebration of the sacrifice and resurrection of His Son, Jesus, that He would renew again my trust in Him, making it easier to believe that when I don't have enough money, He will provide (as He has done oh so many times and again quite recently this week a huge amount and just because He is my Abba, my Father and He loves me), and He will protect and He will BE to me everything I need and more.

So when I read this devotion this morning from Henri Nouwen, it totally fit and I wanted to share it with you...

The vision that Jesus gives us is this: That I am unconditionally loved, that I belong to God, and that I am a person who can really trust that. When I meet another person who also is rooted in the heart of God, then the Spirit of God in me can recognize the Spirit of God in the other person, and then we can start building a new space, a new home, a house, a community. Whether we speak about friendship, community, family, marriage, in the spiritual world, we are talking about spirit recognizing Spirit, solitude embracing Solitude, heart speaking to Heart. And where this happens, there is an immense space. (Henri Nouwen's Lecture at the Scarritt-Bennett Center)

Be blessed this Easter weekend with the realization of the Love that He has for you and trust in it!! I love you all and wish you a sweet time with Him and with those in your community!!

We are all bruised...

2008-03-17T19:43:00.000-07:00

Henri Nouwen's devotional for yesterday, St. Patrick's Day, March 17th, 2008:

Some of us tend to do away with things that are slightly damaged. Instead of repairing them we say: "Well, I don't have time to fix it, I might as well throw it in the garbage can and buy a new one." Often we also treat people this way. We say: "Well, he has a problem with drinking; well, she is quite depressed; well, they have mismanaged their business...we'd better not take the risk of working with them." When we dismiss people out of hand because of their apparent woundedness, we stunt their lives by ignoring their gifts, which are often buried in their wounds.

We all are bruised reeds, whether our bruises are visible or not. The compassionate life is the life in which we believe that strength is hidden in weakness and that true community is a fellowship of the weak.

This devotional spoke deeply to me. It reminded me of a conversation I had with a friend over coffee yesterday, and the Lord softened my heart regarding the way I treat friends...people I say I love but have challenges living with in community whether here in Thailand or in the states. If I indeed love them, then it requires more of me...to see them for who God created them to be, to look past their woundedness to see their blessed giftings, to continue to pursue friendship and relationship and community even with those who rub me the wrong way, which means sucking it up, putting on my big girl panties and dealing with it (confronting only when necessary and loving enough to let go the rest of the time...generally all the time!!), because that is what LOVE DOES...

Love is not love

Which alters when it alteration finds,

Or bends with the remover to remove:

O no! it is an ever-fixed mark

That looks on tempests and is never shaken.

I cannot help but think if we loved that well and if I loved that well...the impact on the community in which we live...where we prefer others over ourselves, where we serve each other, where we think the best of each other, where we look out for the other even above ourselves and our own needs, where we forgive quickly because we know they didn't mean to hurt us, where we let go of wounds and pursue the life of freedom and love, where we stop looking back and start looking ahead, asking for vision for what God is doing now and in the days to come.

I WANT TO LOVE LIKE THAT!!! I don't want my love to change when change is found or change is expected or required. I don't want my love to bend when being taken away or removed. I want my love to be fixed and steady, that looks on storms and suffering and isn't shaken, doesn't look away or step back. I'm asking my sweet Abba for love like that, because we are all bruised and wounded, but we aren't limited by those woundings, only by our fear. There are still incredible giftings in us and things God wants to accomplish in and through us.

Just wanted to encourage you today...PURSUE HIM...PURSUE LOVE...PURSUE COMMUNITY...PURSUE TRUTH...it's all found in being broken and weak!! Blessed are we who endure suffering as we grow near to Him!!!

a little on hunger...

2008-03-09T05:44:00.000-07:00

Most of us have to taste our need in a fierce sort of way before our hungers jar us into turning our lives over to God.... In the Divine Arms we become less demanding and more like the One who holds us. Then we experience new hungers. We hunger and thirst for justice, for goodness and holiness. We hunger for what is right. We hunger to be saints. Most of us are not nearly hungry enough for the things that really matter. That’s why it is so good for us to feel a gnawing in our guts.

- Macrina Wiederkehr
A Tree Full of Angels

I like this quote...it inspires me...I want to be hungry for things that matter...to feel the gnawing inside...

that's all I have today...I want to be drawn in...to have solitude with Him in the midst of absolute busyness as the FLC puts on their drama, "Little Women," this up-coming Saturday and I'm Assistant Producer...go-to-girl, coffee-getter, line-prompter...a little of everything! Then two weeks before Spring Break (2 weeks long), then two weeks in April, the month of May and a few days in June before I start heading home...seems to be sneaking up quickly!!

Love you.

Keeping it simple...

2008-03-06T23:09:00.000-08:00

KEEPING IT SIMPLE...

The art of praying, as we grow, is really the art of learning to waste time gracefully—to be simply the clay in the hands of the potter. This may sound easy—too easy to be true—but it is really the most difficult thing we ever learn to do.... This is the real reason why so few of us ever come, in this life, to the full experience of God’s love for us. - Thomas H. Green
from When the Well Runs Dry

When I read that this morning it struck a chord within me, and I stand in awe of how life all fits together. Yesterday I was crying out desperately for God to be as real to me as a boyfriend or a husband, to be felt like a person, and disappointed that it wasn't happening. Today I realize if He's within me, that's more than any boyfriend or husband can experience, as they cannot jump inside my skin and live with me, but He can. I want to get that!!!

I'm also finding out like the quote says that the hardest thing for us to do is to keep life simple...to be in His hands, to love Him, to say Yes, to trust that if He said it, it's so, and to leave it at that. I suffer not understanding how He can love me, fearing that He'll walk away at some point after throwing up His hands in disgust as I got in another mess...BUT HE DOESN'T!!! He will never leave me nor forsake me, and I'm going to keep it simple...if He said it, it's true. And when I start to doubt, I will repeat His words again and again until I know them.

I'm going to keep it simple!!

the best moments are right now...

2008-03-02T01:00:00.000-08:00

For the past bit and in a huge effort to connect at least weekly in a very intimate way, I've been taking lover days with my Abba and Sundays are the best as I don't have anything regularly planned and it's a day of rest. As I'm preparing my heart for returning home in a few months I'm feeling challenged to be here and really be here or I miss out on moments, the best ones that are right now or rather they are in the now.

So here is my now...I'm sitting on the second level of the Doi Chaang coffee shop that is decorated with the most amazing florals and outdoorsy ambiance complete with a water fountain and a pool at the bottom with fish swimming around and everything woodsy and natural like a beach resort getaway. I'm sitting across from my dear friend, Cece, and we're both working on our computers and drinking coffee together. In the background, the Chiang Rai Youth Orchestra is playing my favorite orchestra piece, Canon in D, and tears are coming to my eyes as I'm confronted with the beauty of nature and friendship and coffee and a most wonderful moment that was entirely orchestrated by my sweet Father for me right here and now.

I'm in awe as the best moments are be-ing with Him!

all up in it...

2008-02-24T20:30:00.000-08:00

This past week I've been really having a hard time missing family and friends, counting down the days almost every day and disappointed when time doesn't seem to pass as quickly as I want it to. I got a few emails from friends speaking to this without really knowing it, suggesting that I take time to really get alone with Jesus and allow Him to fulfill my needs, especially when I'm feeling lonely even in the midst of loads of people.

So I did. Yesterday I took a day off with Jesus. I spent time intentionally with Him doing some of my favorite things as I wanted Him to be a part of it...a long bath, some awesome worship music, time with a friend, watching an inspirational and God-revealing movie, and then just being with Him. I even got work done faster than I imagined and got to be early and had a restful night sleep.

The realization hit me that Jesus just wants to be with us. He doesn't need big plans and fanfare, but He still comes through that and hangs with us. He doesn't have to have minute by minute plans, but will come and chill despite our schedule's busyness. I realized that like a friend that is closer than a brother, and a man that wants to be a lover, He is completely captivated by us and desperate for our time. He is willing to sit and wait for us to get a clue and turn around or open the door and say, "Come in." I woke up this morning and realized that I am just a girl, and He's just the man to knock on the door of my heart and once opened, will love me like I've never been loved or ever will be loved. He has no agenda and no list of things needing to be done. He just wants to love me. Why do I make it so hard?

I'm working on it...the getting all up in it with Him and leaving everything else alone...

the way to live...

2008-02-17T18:08:00.000-08:00

I love getting those emails in the morning that remind you of what is most important: relationships! From talking to my bestee on the phone to receiving an email from a longtime missing friend...I am reminded of how important we are to each other! I want to take a moment to thank you for your friendship and love and support! You are loved! Each and every one of you that supports me, thinks about me, prays for me, sends money, sends care packages...all of you are here with me in this adventure and you will be receiving rewards in Heaven for your part! From being here first hand, the jewels will be incredible as the spirit is pervasive and changing me from the inside out!!

Just a short reminder of the way to live...
Life is short! (and time moves too fast...only like 16 weeks till I come home)

Break the rules! (when I read this, I think of the WAR OF ART and giving Resistance a good shove in the booty or a kick in the face...let's pursue the higher places whether that be a new job, an artistic expression we've let sit too long, or whatever else we've let get too comfy)

Forgive quickly! (no other way to live)

Love truly, Laugh uncontrollably.. (absolutely no other way to live, as I was on the phone with beth this am and was told several times to laugh a little quieter...oh the times we'll have when I get back!!!)

And never regret anything that made you smile. (a little harder, but forces us to be and to really BE in each moment to fully live it!!!)

On a Monday morning, I'm thinking it's a good time to re-energize and not dread the entire day with a "case of the Mondays," but let's live each day to the fullest...SEIZE THIS DAY!!! Love you all so much! Miss your smiles and hugs, but see you soon!

One hot American...

2008-02-11T19:14:00.000-08:00

It's not every day this event occurs and I think it might only happen in Asian countries, and specifically in Thailand...here's the story:

I was meeting my friend, Kyndra, for coffee. Since it was the first coffee since my fast was over, I didn't want to order something too sugary but I wanted to taste the coffee, which here is sometimes a challenge with the amount of sweetened condensed milk they add to every drink. So Kyndra ordered a latte first with soy milk, then I ordered an americano. The lady then repeated back our order, "One latta soy and, um do you want it hot or cold?"
I said, "Hot, please."
She said, "Okay, one latta soy and one hot american."
I said, "What? I didn't know you could order hot americans here...yes, I want one of those!!"

Needless to say it was the best hot american I've ever had here and definitely the best hot americano!!! HAHA!! Oh language differences...they make the world a happier place!

Revelation and the future...

2008-02-03T22:06:00.001-08:00

Family and friends: those who support in finances and prayer...all who love me and whom I love so much and miss in ridiculous amounts...I cannot believe it is already February and I only have 3 more months to go before I start heading home the second week of June...

So let me catch you up on what's new with me...

I finished the 20 day fast and had such a crazy time of revelation. One week before I finished it, I was hanging out with a girlfriend here, who was telling me her story about how God called her into permanent missionary work here. I felt God pulling on my heart, but wasn't quite sure what that meant, and I thought, "No way. I'm not staying here."

As we got home, I put it out of my mind. A couple of YWAM girls were over and were doing worship. We began worshiping and singing about God's love. I'm on that like white on rice! (thanks Jon V. for that) As we were singing, I began to cry as I felt the Lord again touching my heart and asking me, "Do you trust me? Do you really trust me?" I said, "Lord I love you, isn't that enough?" He said, "Do you trust me? Do you trust that if I asked you to stay longer, it would be the best for you?" I started crying and I mean tears pouring out of me like a flooded rice field in monsoon season. I laid down on the hard concrete floor of my cement house and cried for about 30 minutes knowing what God was doing...loving on my heart until I gave way. And after that 30 minutes I couldn't say no...I mean when He shows up like that...I couldn't refuse Him.

So I journaled about it saying, "Okay God, if you call me here for longer or permanently, you will have to help me walk it out because i miss home like crazy. I started thinking about it and praying about it...I voraciously read books about God's purposes to see if He ever changed His mind...asked a few friends and got all negative answers...though I knew that God did with Abraham and Isaac, so I was hoping for the best!!

Then last Thursday after waking up, I remembered a dream I had really clearly...I was leading worship from the guitar in a room full of youth. I woke up thinking, "I need to learn how to play guitar," so I started practicing the four chords I know: G, D, Emin, and C. I will take lessons starting in the next month or so. I prayed that if this was indeed the case that I was going back to the states, I wanted to find a seminary in Colorado and also not be needed here. These two were my sincere prayers asking the Lord to bless this and open doors for me that would be obvious.

The same day, the curriculum chair came to me with next year's adoptions and showed them to me...she said basically that knowing I hadn't been planning on staying, they adopted a curriculum for a non-trained English teacher to use. I am responsible to write literature curriculum before I leave, but then they would be completely set up for next year. I WAS LIKE FOR REAL...it was that easy???

Then looking online I found Fuller Seminary in California that JUST HAPPENED TO HAVE A SATELLITE BRANCH IN COLORADO SPRINGS. You might ask: Seminary?? I don't necessarily need an additional Masters as I have one in Secondary Education, but I want to be fully prepared and equipped to lead youth and be a mentor, having all the necessary skills in Biblical Studies and how to share honestly with students and parents about life and being a teenager. So I'm applying there to get a certificate in youth ministry with a specialization in Young Life to enable me to possible intern with Young Life, a ministry to students in schools, and possibly assist with youth at church and work at Starbucks to support myself and pay living expenses.

Since this just happened this week, I am walking this out prayerfully, but have such peace it is hard not to put the cart before the horse. I am praying for an open door for ministry both in church and also in public schools, also for provision, but I am completely confident that the Lord will provide for all my needs (car/truck/motorcycle, place to live, part time job, etc) as my peace is beyond understanding and my heart is beating so fast as I type this.

I also learned how to ride a motorbike this week. I faced my fears after having a dream about riding a motorbike. It is something the Lord is teaching me about facing fears and that once I get up to them, they aren't so bad after all, as with most things I fearl. I am really enjoying the wind blowing in my hair and the freedom it brings in enabling me to get out and do whatever - like grocery shopping, going to get coffee with friends, and SO MUCH MORE!!!

Just an update on funds...I am still seeking enough to get home, but I will let you know as the flight plans have changed and with it the expenses. I'm estimating around $1500 instead of $2000. And there is still a shortage of $200 per month for the last five months, which so far God has provided in January.

Blog site is: http://www.Iam4thai.com.

This is the address where you will send support to:
Joy to the World Foundation
4570 Hilton Parkway, Suite 203
Colorado Springs, CO 80907
Iam4Thai - project name

My address in Thailand for letters and such is:
Stefanie Hallman
P.O. Box 48
Baan Duu Post Office
Chiang Rai, Thailand 57100

I am so appreciative of those who have been supporting in donations and prayer as well, because it has been a life-changing six months already and I am confident there is much more for me to get while here.

I LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH!!

Stefanie

in between the ashes and the flame...

2008-01-23T20:47:00.000-08:00

As I was riding my bike to school this morning and jamming out to John Mark McMillan’s “Ashes and Flames,” I pushed myself faster and soared off the rocky road onto the pavement and around a curve to see the most beautiful sight that I have seen so far in my five months in Chiang Rai, Thailand.

It was about 7:45 am with the early morning fog beginning to dissipate and the smoke of last night’s fires settling, while the sun crept slowly into the sky, shedding its light, reminding me of new beginnings and mercies new each morning and His love. It’s perfectly round reflection rested softly on the waters of the rice fields as it moved gently into its daytime position. The world seemed to rejoice and to be singing songs of the sun’s arrival. With the sun being so low in the sky, it seemed both huge and intimate as its rays warmed me quickly and rested on me like love.

Amazed, I stopped on my bike to watch as the guitars kicked in and the words “In between the ashes and the flame, a song that burns brighter than a radio wave, at the remnants of my idols bow the shadow of my shame bow down and scatter like the rain, I can’t stop crying, cause you won’t stop calling my name, calling my name, calling my name up from the ashes” sung over me.

It was a divine moment where my sweet Abba kissed me on the cheek and blessed my day.

Just wanted to share...LOVE YOU ALL!!!

living desperately...

2008-01-12T20:33:00.000-08:00

I have realized in the past few days as I prepared to do a 20 day liquids fast that my life right now is desperate. Don't worry! I don't mean desperate like I'm at the end of my rope and going down. When I say my life is desperate what I mean is: I am desperate for God (a person having a great need or desire for something) and I'm fasting out of desperation for God to free me (of an act or attempt tried in despair or when everything else has failed and has little hope of success) from disbelief in His goodness and to help me trust in His complete provision with finances and weight loss and every other generational thing that has plagued me for way too long. I have tried every other solution on my own, and am now in a desperate place to see God's goodness, as He is my Provider, my Keeper, and my Protector.

Sitting in some beautiful gardens here in Thailand at Rajhabat University (CRU) and talking with a friend yesterday, she pointed out the fact that my life right now is desperate, and through the tears, my heart agreed. I am in a prime position to see the Lord move on my behalf as He is my only Hope right now. Starting out this year of 2008, I knew it would be a good year, a year of changes, of new adventures, of moving back to the states, and whatever comes next. It is the year of things long hoped for finally happening...dreams and desires that God planted in me, fruitfully coming into their season. And so I fast, in order to be in the right place when it happens as I am desperate for the Lord: for His hands on me, for His love, for His provision, for His protection and care, for Him.

Here's an inspiring quote by William S. Burroughs to ponder...
"Desperation is the raw material of drastic change. Only those who can leave behind everything they have ever believed in can hope to escape."
That is where I am at...what I have believed that is incorrect about God, I'm leaving behind, and in this desperate place, meeting with Him, He will bring about the drastic change that I need...

and of course the infamous Henry David Thoreau quote...
"Most men lead lives of quiet desperation."
I don't want to lead life without fighting for my hopes and dreams.

I want to live life like George Bernard Shaw when he says, "This is the true joy in life, being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one. Being a force of nature instead of a feverish, selfish little clod of ailments and grievances complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy. I am of the opinion that my life belongs to the whole community and as I live it is my privilege - my *privilege* to do for it whatever I can. I WANT TO BE THOROUGHLY USED UP WHEN I DIE, FOR THE HARDER I WORK THE MORE I LOVE. I rejoice in life for its own sake. Life is no brief candle to me; it is a sort of splendid torch which I've got a hold of for the moment and I want to make it burn as brightly as possible before handing it on to future generations."

** Please pray for me in the 20 days until the 31st of January! Thank you so much! If you get any encouraging words for me, don't hesitate to send them my way...

the thing I learned yesterday...

2008-01-06T22:46:00.001-08:00

Let me introduce you this Asian influenced toilet...it's name is the Squatty Potty. As you can see there are two places for you to put your feet with your shoes on and then you squat with your clothes on still, requiring incredible balance. In most public squatty potty bathrooms, there is also water all over the ground so most people walk in with their pants rolled up to avoid getting them wet. It is truly an adventure, I tell you no lies!!

However if you don't like reading about bathroom "talk," you can stop now and know just a small part of Asian culture, but you will miss my experiences with it. It is probably more than you want to know about bathrooms in Thailand, but it is quite a funny story, completely humiliating, a little painful, but eventually victorious!!

Yesterday I went with a few friends to Chiang Mai for the day on the cheapy non-air con, cramped beyond belief bus. We stopped halfway and I had to go to the bathroom, but I knew it was a squatty potty and I was honestly scared to use it. It is much harder than you think, so I held it in.

Eventually we got to the mall in Chiang Mai and I couldn't hold it any longer. So in the mall with my friends and a lot of peer pressure, I attempted it once again. I did everything as I was supposed to or so I thought (I won't gross you out with details), but still ended up with pee on my pant leg. I was ridiculously humiliated. It was almost like I was a little kid again, and had "wet" my pants. It is much easier for boys in this arena (just as it is when hiking outdoors). As I attempted to laugh it off while sharing it with my friends, they quickly said, "Oh you are doing it the right way, but I think it's easier the wrong way," meaning I should face the other way. I said, "So every ferong knows this and no one told me?"

With this new wisdom, I was ready to attempt it again in the bus station before we left Chiang Mai. I did everything as they told me and did better...no pee on the pants, but peed on my sandal and had to pour water on it, so my sandal was wet for the entire trip home. But in the midst of it, I pulled or pinched a nerve in my leg and now am in a bit of pain. I'm telling you...this peeing business is exhaustingly hard!!

When we stopped halfway through the trip, I again had to use the bathroom and psyched myself up to squatty potty. I went through the process - rolled up my pants and got into position (haha!!), and then successfully squatty pottied - no pee on my clothes or on me and did it facing the right way. I think I might be turning Thai...

** I do apologize if this offends anyone, but as I promised to tell you all the good, the bad, and the ugly as I live in Thailand. I'm trying to keep my promise (and as embarassing as it is, it is one amazing story).

SAWAT DII PII MAE!!!

2007-12-31T11:28:00.000-08:00

Just a little note to say, "SAWAT DII PII MAE!!!" Happy New Year!! It is 2 hours into 2008, and it looks to be a fabulous year.

My wish for you is "to be able to look backward and say, 'This has been the finest year of my life' -- that is glorious! But anticipation! To be able to look ahead and say, 'The present year can and shall be better!' -- that is more glorious!" (Brother Lawrence's Practicing His Presence)

2007 sure was a good year. Through heart failure recovery and losing one's job and moving halfway across the world and truly learning complete dependence on God, it has been so far the finest year of my life...looking forward to this year which can and shall be better!!

Pics of New Year party with a soccer ball wrapped in Christmas lights dropped slowly from our shower curtain rod in the living room as we counted down and then hugged and ran outside to see fireworks as I yelled at the top of my lungs, "Sawat dii pii mae Thailand. Kop khun kha Chiang Rai." Happy New Year Thailand. Thank you Chiang Rai!! And it was 2008...

Christmas in Thailand

2007-12-26T01:59:00.000-08:00

It is December 26th, the day after Christmas. I am sitting in my living room in my pajamas with my very Thai Christmas tree lit up and blinking while watching movies that I received for Christmas: Bridget Jones 1 & 2, Pride and Prejudice, and maybe even a little Meet Me in St. Louis (which I already watched on Christmas Eve, but LOVE SO MUCH!!). You might be asking what makes a Thai Christmas tree...well, with the limited selection of decorations here, we have six totally varied colored and width and designed tinsels on the tree, brightly and randomly blinking red, yellow, green and blue lights, little presents wrapped in red, blue, green and gold shiny paper, and a dull gold star on the top. When there is little to choose from, you make do.

I have had a pretty good two days starting Christmas Eve day with having a friend, Cece, over for the day. We watched movies and ate popcorn, then got dressed for a fantastic dinner at the Ducit, a resort in town. It was a special buffet for the ferongs in Chiang Rai, and everyone was dressed up in their very best. We had a huge table of friends from the school I teach at, almost 25 people and many more from the community but we didn't get to sit with them all. As everyone got up to start getting food, many headed to the salad bar and to the fruit table. Cece, Jo (another girlfriend from school), and I headed smartly to the dessert table. I say if you are going to eat amazing food, start with what is best...dessert!! AND IT WAS AMAZING!!! There were 10 different cakes and dessert pies...an incredible and most wonderful chocolate fondue fountain with strawberries to dip in it...individual chocolate mousse servings in mini martini glasses...then I had some carrots and peas and pork braised in a strawberry chutney sauce which was like a beach party in your mouth!! While eating, a Thai Santa Claus walked through the crowd handing out presents to the kids. You've never seen Santa till you've seen the Thai version...shorter, not so fat, and no white beard...it was crazy!! For Christmas Eve, the food was divine and the fellowship was good too.

Woke up the morning of Christmas, called my sister and Mom, skyped friends spread all throughout the world from Colorado to Australia...then got dressed in my one Christmas t-shirt, jeans, and a green sweatshirt to take along in case it got cold. Quickly I prepared my stuff to take along to the Penningtons and Tubbs, who had invited me to come along to their family celebration. These were my friends from Texas, whom I love very much and am so glad to have here as family. I rode my bike over to their house and dinner began at like 2pm. We had more roasted pork in a barbecue sauce, sour cream and cream cheese mashed potatoes, a salad made with strawberries, mozzarella cheese, peanuts and a sweet homemade dressing, and so much more. IT WAS A SPLENDID DAY, considering I wasn't with my family or friends.

Overall, the holidays were alright...I think being away has changed me and changed the ways that I celebrate the holidays. It was a simple and peaceful time with not having so much to do in so little time. I want to be intentional about life in general as I don't want to ever fill up my schedule just out of obligation, but I want to choose carefully all that I do with time, money, etc. I've realized some very important parts of Christmas that are pertinent to any celebration - being with loved ones, spending quality time with those closest to you, being in the moment which allowed me to celebrate Jesus' birth and gift of life that has never been more a part of Christmas than this year when I've been seeking Him as the sole support of my daily moments. Though many tears (and I mean many) were shed throughout the past week, I wouldn't trade missing out the family and friends for meeting Jesus more intimately, in addition to the memories I have made here which are priceless and forever a part of me: the me right here, right now.

May this holiday season continue to reveal the peace of Christ to you and yours...

** The peace sign is an Asian thing, when taking pictures, the fingers go up...I'm working on it, because it doesn't look totally natural yet, but very soon...

Trust...in my words and a few others

2007-12-17T01:32:00.000-08:00

If I could sum up my experiences in Thailand so far, it would be in that one word: TRUST. I am learning to trust Jesus with everything, especially the areas that I've held onto for probably a bit too long like weight and finances. Being a missionary, I assumed would not require as much trust as I had raised the right amount of money before I left the states, but God had other ideas. I have had a few sponsors unable to send funding, and all for absolutely justified reasons, but it's not them not sending the money, it's that God is asking me to trust Him. My plan has failed, and He's lovingly wooing me to trust Him and His plan.

One scripture I've been meditating on is: Acts 20:24 - "But my life is worth nothing unless I use it for doing the work assigned me by the Lord Jesus - the work of telling others the Good News about God's wonderful kindness and love." So I press onward...deeper into trusting...loving and being loved...hoping to do the work He has assigned me too, and knowing confidently that He who has called me will fully equip and provide for the calling.

My sweet friend, Jodi, painted a picture on Trust, which has spoken great depths to me, so I'm including that and her website (http://www.JodiStyle.com) - go to it, buy stuff...SHE'S INCREDIBLE!!! What a picture of trust...a beautiful girl, hanging on and having a sweet guide keeping her company...I LOVE IT!!! I so felt this way today!

And for your inspiration...I went looking online for quotes on trust, but found few that were inspiring. Seems trust isn't a common thing these days, but I pray differently for all of us...
Frank Crane - You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you don't trust enough.
Henry David Thoreau - I think we may safely trust a good deal more than we do.
Indira Gandhi - You can't shake hands with a clenched fist. (so true...try it sometime, doesn't work!)
Walter Anderson - We're never so vulnerable than when we trust someone - but paradoxically, if we cannot trust, neither can we find love or joy.

And my favorite and most inspiring woman: Mother Theresa of Calcutta - I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish He didn't trust me so much.

If you've ever felt that way, be encouraged...I am right there with you...knowing if God didn't trust me, I wouldn't be here and knowing that He placed me here to fully experience Him right now for whatever comes next!!