iamhusband.com

An Easy, Cheap Date Idea

2009-10-24T09:54:00.001-05:00

Last Saturday my wife and I were kinda in a down mood and wanted to do something, but everything we thought of just wasn't it. Part of the downer was that we tend to do the same things every time we do go and do something.

Finally an idea just popped in my head: "Let's go to the mall!" Now, my wife and I are not mall people, and generally we don't enjoy walking around looking at stuff we can't afford, but since it was different and it was a "together" activity, she went for it.

While we were there, however, things got a little interesting. My wife said, "We should have a challenge to accomplish while we're here." Okay, sure. "We should split up and have 25 minutes to go and buy the other a gift for under five dollars." Well that's creative.

And so we split up. I definitely found a lot of stuff that should have been five bucks at the mall, but it really was a challenge finding a little gift that actually cost five dollars. At the very last minute (and after way too many stores), I found a cute pair of cheap earrings, and she got me a little backpack key chain that had my name on it along with a card.

But the best part of the whole night was seeing her smile and hearing her say thank you for being creative and getting her out of her funk.

Remember that the key to a woman's heart is an unexpected gift at an unexpected time. Me taking her to the mall definitely fit the bill for both of those, and we love each other more because of it.

Write Your Wife Love Notes

2009-09-18T08:05:00.001-05:00

I love trying to find creative ways to tell my wife that I love her. One of my favorites is writing her little love notes and leaving them in places she will discover later by surprise. I've done this when she's gone on trips for several days, and when we've been apart throughout a single day of busyness.

Remember we've talked about the key to a woman's heart being an unexpected gift at an unexpected time? That's 100% what this is. Surprise your wife by leaving written evidence that she is your number one. They don't all have to say "I love you," they just all have to mean that. Notes like "I miss you right now" or "I had a wonderful time with you last night" all translate into "I love you" when presented in the right way. (But don't forget to say "I love you" sometimes too.)

So think of a way to surprise your wife with a little note from you. I've listed a few ideas below, and feel free to share some of your own in the comments.

Leave a note on her dashboard to surprise her before she heads off to work. (Or drive by her work during some free time during the day and stick it in there — she'll be even more impressed.)
Pack an "I Miss You" card in her luggage right before she leaves on a trip.
Send her some flowers and a card on a day when you didn't do anything to require it.
If she's in school, sneak "I love you" messages into her notes that she'll find when she gets to class.
Get real creative and have someone deliver the card at an unexpected moment. (Maybe have the waiter at the restaurant she goes to every day during her lunch break hand it to her with her meal.)
Send her an e-mail during the day letting her know you're thinking about her.

Those are just a few things that came to my mind. What ideas can you come up with?

An Easy Way To Avoid Arguments

2009-09-05T08:36:00.001-05:00

One thing that always causes a bit of tension in my marriage is when my wife and I sit down and go through our finances together. It's not that we really disagree over how we spend our money, it's just that she's quicker to understand certain things than I am, and I get irritated with myself for not getting it. Even when we begin our budget talks in good moods, it often ends in frustration.

Recently we've really needed to sit down and organize our finances. We've got a lot of funds just sitting uncategorized that should head over to savings and should be labeled for certain things we're saving for. I've been telling my wife we need to get to this, but every day it seems like there are other priorities that take precedence.

But the other night my wife said that maybe we could take some of the free minutes we had set aside that evening and use it for our finances. I said that was fine, but really wasn't feeling good about it. I said yes because I knew we needed to do it, but I was so tired from the day and I really wanted to give my mind a rest. It was at that moment that I realized the mood I was in would not be the best mood to start something important, especially something that I hate doing anyway. I told her a few seconds later that I really didn't want to do it that night because I wasn't in the right frame of mind to get it done. And because my wife is so wonderful, she said that was fine.

This little incident made me think about how certain problems can be avoided just by understanding ourselves and knowing how we'll act in certain situations. Of course this can't allow for eternal excuses — there are still things we must do whether we want to or not — but if we better understand how we will react in a given situation, we will be better prepared to handle it. If you're in a bad mood now, now is just not the best time to talk about something important. If you're in a good mood now, why not take advantage of the time and take care of something you'd usually rather put off?

Understanding ourselves better helps us interact with our wives.

Catching Up With Your Wife

2009-08-31T07:37:00.001-05:00

Last week my wife and I were pretty busy several days in a row. We work in the same place and see each other all day, but it just felt like it had been weeks since I had had a conversation with her. We were "ships passing through the night," as I once heard it described, and I felt a little lonely.

So one night when we were getting ready to fall into the same routine of just getting ready for bed and drifting off to sleep, I asked her if we could sit and talk. When her face showed sign of concern, I assured her it wasn't about anything, but that I just missed her and wanted to talk to her.

It was good catching up with her. Though we knew exactly what the other had been doing the few previous days, it was good to hear about how she was feeling about those events, and it was good to share with her the things that were on my mind as well. I love being friends with my wife, and sometimes life gets so busy we miss the opportunities to enjoy that friendship.

How long has it been since you have initiated a catching up time with your wife? When was the last time you sat on the couch together with the TV and computers off and just talked? Doing this is a small way to remember why you love her so much, and it's always good to remind yourself of that.

About That Intimacy Thing — Part II

2009-08-25T07:50:00.001-05:00

Last time we talked about the definition of real intimacy and related it to the sexual realm of our marriages. Today, I want to talk more about the emotional side intimacy, and it's that emotional side where our wives often reside.

I believe the best definition for intimacy that I've heard is "the freedom from anxiety in the presence of vulnerability." Sexually, I think that definition makes perfect sense; it's obvious, I don't need to think to hard about it. And I think that's because a lot of men find this intimacy in the bedroom. If you validate me as a real man there, I'll be more likely to feel like one everywhere.

However our wives tend to feel a little different than that. And by "a little different" I mean, the complete opposite. If you validate her as a woman outside the bedroom, she will be closer to you inside the bedroom.

Our wives—if you haven't already figured out—are relationship driven. In fact, if you are a Christian, you already believe that woman was designed specifically to be a relational being. This is why fights between friends and lovers cut so much deeper for her than for you. This is why she is much more perceptive in her relationships that you often are.

A woman finds intimacy within the context of her relationships. She feels closer and closer to those she can share her heart's deepest secrets because the anxiety of wondering what they'll do or think of her has faded. There is no fear of her being condemned for feeling the way she feels, and since her feelings have been validated by another, the intimacy between her and that other person grows.

So how is your intimacy level with your wife? Does she truly feel free from anxiety when she makes her heart vulnerable to you? Do you listen to her when she is expressing her thoughts and feelings to you? Do you help her get rid of her anxieties about the way she looks by constantly telling her she's beautiful every time you think it? For a woman, intimacy grows within the emotional context of a relationship. Can she feel completely safe entrusting you with her emotions? If the answer is yes, you understand the powerful bond of intimacy in marriage. You understand the powerful connection that validating her as a woman has to her validating you as a man.

If your answer was no, however, what is it that you need to change? How do you handle your wife's moments of vulnerability? Do you show her that she only gets hurt when she opens up to you? Is she nervous to reveal her soul because she never knows how you will act?

Let's evaluate the levels of intimacy in our marriages. What needs to change? What can we do to ensure our wives feel free from anxiety in the presence of vulnerability?

About That Intimacy Thing — Part I

2009-08-21T20:32:00.001-05:00

I heard a definition for intimacy recently that I wanted to share with everyone here.

"Intimacy is the freedom from anxiety

in the presence of vulnerability."

Wow! That is definitely it! And there are huge lessons for us to take here as husbands. Today, I'd like to talk about the sexual aspect of intimacy. Next time we'll talk about a few of the other aspects.

Just think about sexual intimacy for a minute. There is probably no greater act that illustrates this definition more. You are naked, for one. Naked in front of another person, two. Naked touching another person, three. Naked trying to please another person, four. Then you add that vulnerable place your mind goes during the act itself and this definition has really come to life. Does she think I'm ugly? Does she think I'm small? Do I really please her? Does she really love me? What is she thinking right now?

Intimacy is the freedom from anxiety in the presence of vulnerability. Those unsure thoughts we have about ourselves are most definitely the presence of vulnerability. Vulnerability is leaving yourself open for attack of any kind, and sex lays it all out there for the taking — mind, heart, and body.

I suppose this is why my sex life is so much greater now — years into our marriage — than it was when we first got married. My wife and I were both virgins on our wedding night and on a scale of 1-10, the level of anxiety was probably a 27. The experience was amazing and it will always be a beautiful memory, however we only saw the tip of the ice berg of intimacy that night. It took us quite a while to feel completely comfortable with each other, but today I can definitely say that I am free from any sexual anxiety even though the level of vulnerability has remained the same. That's intimacy.

True sexual intimacy can only be reached when both partners are seeking to provide an environment free from anxiety during this vulnerable moment. But how do we get there? This is going to mean different things for different couples. For husbands, we need our wives to validate our manhood. I need to know that you are turned on by me, I need to know that the biological cards I've been dealt are able to satisfy you. I need you to build me up sexually in any way you can come up with — both in and out of the bedroom. When we hear you say the things we want to feel are true about ourselves, anxiety disappears and intimacy is cultivated. We're still just as vulnerable — your words and actions can crush us at any moment — but you choose to love instead. (And, as an aside, please never underestimate the power of you initiating sex has over those anxiety levels. A wife sexually desiring her husband is one of the most powerful ways she can validate his manhood.)

However, husbands, listen to me here: She can't do that well if we are not just as focused on getting rid of her anxieties. And, much to many a husband's dismay, she brings her anxieties to the bedroom. The depth of her sexual intimacy is directly proportionate to the depth of her emotional intimacy with you.

And we'll talk about that next time.

Getting Away With Your Wife – Locally

2009-08-19T07:35:00.001-05:00

Well if this site were a marriage, I would be the neglectful workaholic husband for sure. Now that my incredibly crazy travel summer is over, I do aspire to get back into a routine. Here's hoping...

A few years ago my wife and I stayed at a hotel in our own town for our anniversary. Because of a lot going on in our lives at the time, we really couldn't make time to get away and so we booked a room at a hotel just a half-mile down the road. Sounds simple, but it really was amazing.

Just being in a hotel makes you feel like you're traveling. There are swimming pools, hot tubs, and even paying a little more for your room can get you some pretty sweet amenities: in-room jacuzzi tubs, big flat screen TVs, and even fancy beds to name a few.

Planning a night away in a hotel in your own town makes familiar things less familiar. "Dinner, a movie, then back to your hotel room?" Very nice. You will break your routine, and breaking your routine can be sexy.

I would suggest all you husbands to plan a surprise one-night getaway with your wife in your own town. After doing this again recently and sharing a wonderful night together, my wife and I both commented that it felt like we had actually just had an entire vacation.

Here are a few suggestions when planning your one-night getaway:

Choose one of the newer hotels in your town. Often their cheapest rooms still have some modern amenities: brand new beds, real nice TVs, etc.
Ask if they have any in-room jacuzzi tubs available.
Ask about any romantic packages they may offer. Sometimes these include dinner and a movie.
Always see if they are willing to give a discount. Some hotels give a local's discount. Once while traveling I explained that I didn't have a lot to spend on a room and wondered if I could get some kind of discount, and the lady at the front desk gave me the AAA discount even though I wasn't a member.)
Don't stay at a motel. Motels aren't generally associate with romance.
Make the whole night a surprise. Remember, the key to a woman's heart is an unexpected gift at an unexpected time. Surprise her by sending her to get a massage. Pick her up and take her straight to the hotel for the night. Plan some relaxing time, plan some fun time, plan some romantic time. Have rose pedals, have candles, do something that shows you went above and beyond.
Consider the things that would make her apprehensive. "The kids? At your parents' house." "Clothes? I packed them for you?" Take care of all the things that would distract her from being in the moment with you.
Just be creative!

On Vacation

2009-06-13T03:13:00.003-05:00

My wife and I are currently away from home and I haven't had much time for writing since we've been gone. I'll get back to writing articles in a couples weeks, but for now I wanted to let you all know of a couple additions to the site.

Firstly, I've made iamhusband.com available for the Kindle here, for those who like to access their favorite blogs through their Kindle e-book reader.

Secondly, iamhusband is now on Twitter and can be followed by adding @iamhusband. While I'm on the road, I'll be sending links to older posts to let others in the Twitterverse find their way here. When I return home, I hope to be able to use it as a way to post little husband tips and marriage advice that might not be big enough for its own article on the site. So stop by and say hello if you have the chance.

And if I don't see you over at Twitter, I'll see you all in a couple weeks!

Tell Her What You're Thinking

2009-05-27T14:05:00.003-05:00

Sometimes I am just amazed that my wife picked me. Do you know what I mean? Sometimes I watch her do the cute things she does and I can't feel more in love with her. I know I married way out of my league and I couldn't be more thankful that she actually wants to be with me.

There are times when I'm watching her from across the room and think, Man, she is so beautiful. She was a bridesmaid in a wedding recently and I thought, Wow, she's really giving the bride a run for her money! In so many moments I remember who I am and who she is and I feel like the luckiest man in the world.

And today I want to share a little trick I've learned to make your wife feel like the woman you know she is:

Tell her what you're thinking.

Seriously, the next time you catch yourself thanking your lucky stars for the woman sitting next to you, tell her that the next chance you get. Or if you're admiring her across the room at some event, take the first moment you can to tell her how beautiful she is and how much you enjoyed watching her from across the room.

Our wives want to hear that we're still infatuated with them. We have these thoughts, so why not share them? Put your feelings into words and tell her. She'll love you more for it.

Learn To Love The Same Things

2009-05-09T08:56:00.001-05:00

My wife is a game person. She loves all sorts of games and absolutely loves it whenever she gets to play them. Unfortunately, I'm not much of a game person at all. It's not that I don't like to play games, it's just that I'd rather be doing other things. Typically, I would much rather sit around with a group of people and talk about nothing than play a game. I wouldn't go as far to say that this has been a point of "tension" in our marriage, but it is something my wife always wishes I would want to do more.

Recently we've been hanging out with a couple who really enjoys playing games, so naturally we've been playing games more often. Since we've been on this game-kick for several weeks now, I've noticed something strange: I'm actually enjoying playing these games more and more. I've even found that I want to play more games.

Though husbands and wives will never have the exact same interests, it may surprise you how her interests can become your interests if you give yourself to learning about them and participating in them. I've seen this true in wives over and over, but husbands seem to have trouble wanting to make the effort. It's not that we can't because you were very interested in her hobbies when you were dating. Unfortunately we tend to get lazier and selfish as the married years march on. Don't let that happen!

What are some interests your wife has that she would love for you to be more involved in?

I Need Your Help

2009-05-04T08:56:00.001-05:00

As I mentioned earlier this year, I have some ideas for this site that I hope to see come to pass sooner rather than later. Back in the very first post I ever wrote for iAMHUSBAND, I said, "...I'm hoping that there are others out there who have great ideas or advice to share with the rest of us. I hope this can be somewhat of a sounding board of positivity and encouragement as we all seek advice and ideas to keep our marriages alive."

Today I want to make that invitation official by inviting you to participate with this site by answering the following questions.

What Would You Like To See Discussed? I am only one man, and only one husband. What things would you like to see discussed here that you haven't seen yet? What questions do you have about married life? What questions do you have about love, sex, fights, gifts, etc? Hearing about what you'd like to see will really help me as I try to shape the direction of this blog.

Can I Get Some Help? The issues I choose to talk about come from my own perspective on marriage as I observe it. I would love to have other husbands out there contribute by writing articles that will help all men be better husbands. If you've got tip to share, a story to tell, a marriage book review to give, or anything else that you think would be beneficial to husbands and their marriages, please do!

Please leave your post ideas in the comments below, and if you have an article you'd like share with us here, please send me an e-mail using the contact button to the right for more information.

I hope that we can all work together to make this site better and more beneficial to even more husbands. I hope to hear from you soon.

What To Do When She's 'Always Right'

2009-04-28T09:01:00.003-05:00

Several days ago I posted a comment I received from a reader back in January in response to an article I wrote called Are You Good At Being Wrong? It seems as though there are many husbands struggling out there with always feeling like they are their wives' doormat; that their wives are always right no matter what.

Let me make this clear before I start so as not to offend our lady readers out there: both men and women struggle with admitting when they are wrong. The point of our post today is not to say that men don't deal with this. The point of this post is helping husbands deal with their wives when the wives themselves are in the wrong.

I did have some thoughts when I read through that comment that I want to share. Custom fit these thoughts and suggestions to your own specific situation, because every situation is different.

Let Her Cool Down Before Expressing Your Feelings — Saying something to your wife like, "Well you're always right and I'm always wrong!" is just gasoline on a flame in the heat of the moment. In all actuality, she's upset about the situation, not at you. Wait until later to let her know to express to her things like, "I felt really hurt by the way you acted earlier." Removing yourselves from the situation will allow you to talk about what you want to talk about.
But If You Do Need To Mention Something...— Recently my wife was very irritated with something that was going on (I think we were traveling) and she kept snapping at me out of frustration. This, in turn, was of course making me get very frustrated, so eventually I just asked, "Babe, are you upset with me?" She immediately said, "No, I'm just overwhelmed with..." I told her that the way she was acting was making me feel like she was angry with me. She apologized and things cooled down after that because she realized what was happening. Sometimes our anger toward other things catches our spouses in the crossfire.
When She's Always Right — Our reader comment was a very specific situation of anger, but many people commented in the post Are You Good At Being Wrong about how their wives never admit that they are wrong, no matter how trivial the issue. If this is something that gets you down, you need to talk about it with her. But again, do it when you are away from the situation to limit her being overly defensive. Tell her, "It makes me feel really incompetent when you won't admit you're wrong over the little things." Or, "I feel beaten when I can't even be right over the little things I know I'm right about.
Check Yourself — It is a lot easier for her to sympathize with your feelings if she knows you are trying in this area too. If you act just as stubborn, then telling her she needs to fix her problems is part of the reason you have problems. Check yourself; how well have you been able to admit your faults?
If She Disregards Your Feelings Completely — If you have lovingly and clearly stated how you feel and things still don't seem to change, it's time to get help. Getting help can be as simple as going to another couple you know that has dealt with the same issue but gained victory over it, or as "extreme" as going to a counselor. This is your life and your marriage. If things aren't the way they should be, do not be okay with that. Little problems become big problems, and little issues become big feelings of resentment if they are not dealt with.

These are just a few ideas to help you in this area of how to get along with a wife who acts as though she is always right. I hope some of these have helped, and I would love to hear more suggestions on how to improve this situation in marriage in the comments below.

iAMHUSBAND 24 Hour Challenge

2009-04-23T12:22:00.001-05:00

My wife and I are going on a car trip this weekend and this morning I got up early so that I could vacuum and dust the car out so that the trip would be that much nicer to take. When my wife left for work and thanked me for being such a good husband (which definitely made the vacuuming worth it), I got to thinking about another 24 hour husband challenge.

Today's challenge is to do something out of the ordinary for your wife. This can't be a gift like flowers or a card, but it has to be some kind of service that you usually don't do that you know your wife would appreciate. Is it cleaning it out the car? Is it getting to that junk drawer you guys have needed to organize for forever? Is it fixing the hinge on that cupboard? Get creative and then come back and share with all of us what you came up with.

You have twenty-four hours. Ready...go!

Reader Comment: Are You Good At Being Wrong?

2009-04-22T10:27:00.003-05:00

Several months ago I got a response to an article I wrote called Are You Good At Being Wrong?. One anonymous reader left the following comment, and I'd like to get everyone's input on it.

I had a terrible row with my wife yesterday. It's a long story and there are two sides.

In short she got stuck at the airport in bad weather. She called me in a very angry state and asked me to look at other flights on the net. I was in a rush to get to a meeting (in a pub as it happens) so I looked quickly and saw it would cost another €75 to change her flight. She wanted another flight only two hours earlier than the one she was on. At this stage her later flight had not been canceled. I argued that it was an expensive two hours. She swore at me and put the phone down. I sent her a text asking if I should book the flight. She sent another back saying I had to be kidding, so I went out to my meeting.

Half way through the meeting she called to ask me to book the flight. Her flight had now been cancelled. But I was half an hour away from the internet and she had ten minutes before the booking slot ended. She flew off the handle and cursed me in every horrible word she could think of.

It turned out the flight that she missed was the only flight that left until 9pm that night (neither of us were aware of this at that stage). She called me again. I cut my meeting short, went home and booked her on the later flight. But by now the damage was done. In her mind I had gone off down the pub and left her in her hour of need. I was the villain.

Personally, I have apologised but I'm lying. I still think she should accept some of the blame. But in her mind she's the victim. Now she is still punishing me but I feel empty because I will never be heard.

I feel that she is never wrong. In this case I think one could argue that the whole mess is her fault and due as in so many other cases to her anger problems. As usual I am the doormat. I pretend I am wrong and apologise until she 'forgives' me.

I can't go on like this. What should I do?

I'm afraid that this is more common than I might think. Though many of our problems will be taken care of by admitting our own blame, what do we do when our wives refuse to acknowledge that they've made some mistakes as well?

I want to pose this question to all of you. How can we positively encourage our wives to acknowledge their mistakes when it seems like refusing to do so is one of their major character flaws? Remember, we're coming at this from the angle of helping a marriage. Rude or sarcastic comments are not appreciated or welcome here.

I have a few thoughts of my own, but I'll wait a couple days to share those.

New Contest Winner

2009-04-21T12:09:00.003-05:00

Unfortunately Nick never got in contact with me, so the prize has just been waiting for someone to be delivered to.

My wife's runner-up pick was Joe's comment (which I've posted below). Joe, if you're out there, you've got a couple books waiting for you. Just e-mail me your address using the "Contact Me" button in the sidebar and I'll get that sent out to you.

For the rest of you, we'll start with some new content tomorrow. Thanks for sticking with me.

Joe's comment about why he loves his wife:

I love my wife because at a time in my life when I had given up on finding that special someone, God delivered me right to her doorstep. Or her to mine, actually. I remember vividly the first time we met -- where it was, how it came to be, what she was wearing, and even how my heart skipped a beat when she walked into the room. Fairy tale sounding stuff, maybe, but that's what made it so special ten short years ago. I love her because she sees through all of my shortcomings and loves me anyway. I love her because together we created a wonderful son and daughter, without whom my life would not be complete. I love her because she is untiring in her drive to raise our children to love the Lord. She home educates our son and will soon do the same for our daughter, and even though she sometimes feels she never gets a moment to herself, she is the very model of what a mother should be. Tomorrow (as I write this) is her 31st birthday, and I love her because every holiday and birthday is still a very special occasion for her, and she makes it fun to plan special surprises for her (even though she is very hard to surprise). I love her because it was really quite difficult to say just why I love her in 250 words or less. 245 will have to do.

Congratulations To Our Contest Winner!

2009-04-10T13:24:00.009-05:00

I want to thank everyone for their involvement in our contest over this last week. I also want to thank those who left words of encouragement for this site in general; those words mean a lot to me and make me want to keep this site running.

I had my wife read over all the entries and she decided that the winner was Nick. Nick is not yet yet a husband but is engaged to be married in June. In addition to his kind words about his fiance, it was decided that this would be a great wedding gift to the two of them and a wonderful way for them to start off their marriage. So congratulations, Nick! I'd love to get your review of the books when you both finish reading them. If you can go ahead and send me your mailing information using the "Contact Me" button to the right, I will get that sent off to you right away.

To everyone else, I still strongly recommend to get these books for you and your wife. The two-book set costs less than $15 and it is well worth the money. We will spend money on maintenance for everything else in our life, why not our marriages?

Thanks everyone for your participation!

—A Husband

iAMHUSBAND's Birthday And Book Giveaway

2009-04-01T18:29:00.012-05:00

Today this website celebrates its first birthday (you can read the first official post here). It's hard to believe that I've actually made it this far, and it's strange to look back and see how my own life has changed in the last three hundred and sixty-five days.

Early last year I came up with idea for a blog that would accomplish one thing: help men become better husbands. I was tired of seeing miserable marriages and wanted to do more than just complain about it. I did several different searches to see if there were any blogs out there of a similar nature, but didn't find many that were as topic-specific as what I had in mind. After running the idea by my wife and another couple we were close to, I decided to give it a go.

Thankfully this blog has struck a cord with many people. In the year it's been up we've seen over 70,000 unique visitors and currently have around 550 subscribers. The iAMHUSBAND Amazon bookstore (here and in the sidebar to the right) has already generated several orders from people buying books to improve their marriages, and I couldn't be more happy about that. Whenever I've thought about calling it quits, I remember the e-mails I've received from men and women over this last year thanking me for this site. I really want this site to continue its growth, and I have a few ideas I'd like to share with you all soon. But for now, let's celebrate this day right with a marriage book giveaway.

In honor of our one-year mark, we will be giving away the For Couples Only 2-book couples' pack of the books For Men Only and For Women Only from Amazon.com. I have recommended these book several times over this last year and look forward to sending it to our winner.

To enter the contest you must leave a comment below consisting of 250 words or less describing exactly what it is you love about your wife. You must be married and you must be a husband to qualify. At the end of the week, my wife will pick her favorite out of all of them and that husband will win the books. Only comments submitted between now and April 9th will be considered in the contest.

Thanks everyone for this last year together. It's been wonderful!

The Romance Doesn't Have To Fade

2009-03-24T18:41:00.007-05:00

One thing that always drove me nuts as a newlywed was hearing other couples who had been married longer make comments like, "One year? Oh, you guys must still like each other then." I hated hearing that so badly. I refused to believe that the romance had to fade with time. Now, years into my marriage, I can say that it doesn't have to.

I'm not talking about course joking in marriage (I've done that before here). Today's post is inspired by a new article published at MSNBC.com titled, "Sweet science! Love lasts longer than thought." It turns out there is now official research which states that romance doesn't necessarily naturally fade with time. From the article, "The scientists found that a surprisingly high number of people were still very much in love with their long-term partners..."
The article does draw a line between the passionate love of a new romance, and a romantic love of a lasting relationship. "Romantic love has the same intensity, engagement and sexual chemistry as passionate love has, but without the obsession, Acevedo said. Passionate love, on the other hand, includes feelings of uncertainty and anxiety." I hope you didn't miss that: Romantic love has the same intensity as a new romance, but it comes with feelings of assurance and trust.

The reason I bring all this up is because our mindset plays a big part in our marriages. If you think the romance will naturally fade away, then you'll be looking for signs of the setting sun of romantic fun. If you believe you can always be head-over-heels for your wife, then you won't be so quick to start believing in the sitcom junk TV is feeding you.

And the research thus far leads us to one make-it-or-break-it characteristic: Hard work. "'These people are often very relationship focused,' Acevedo said. 'Their relationship is something that is very central to their lives, something they spend time on, work on, really care about. They seem to resolve conflicts relatively efficiently and smoothly."'

I encourage you all to check out the article and let it inspire you. The romance doesn't have to fade.

Improving Your Sex Life Through Books

2009-03-21T18:48:00.008-05:00

For whatever reason, it's extremely easy to have sex, but not at all easy to talk about it. For some reason, we feel perfectly normal opening up our bodies to the most intimate act two human beings can participate in, but we can't talk about. Talking about it often brings feelings of rejection, resentment, and defensiveness. Many men and women have tried opening up about certain things a time or two only to have been met with a door in their face. That's why I highly recommend couples read books on the subject.

My wife and I were recently at the book store and noticed a sale going on: Buy Two Used Books, Get The Third Free. While we were scouring the relationship section I saw the book Sheet Music: Uncovering the Secrets of Sexual Intimacy in Marriage by Dr. Kevin Leman. I had seen this book on the shelves for years and had always been curious, but never actually got around to reading it. That was definitely my mistake; this book is a great way for any married couple to enhance their sex life.

Reading books on improving your sex life allows you both to hear the same thing, and react to what you've heard. Often these books come with discussion questions to get you both talking about what the author has just brought up. And that's a big bonus with reading these books together: When you bring up sex on your own, she may interpret that to mean a million different things. When you read a book together, you're not the one bringing it up, the author is, so you both can respond (either positively or negatively) to what's being talked about. The tension is not near as high.

My wife and I decided to bring this book with us on a long car ride we had to take. As potentially awkward as it was probably going to be (and was at times), we decided to read the book out loud to each other as we took turns driving. As we read, I would stop her and ask, "What do you think about that?" or, "Is he describing you there?" At the end of a chapter I would ask her, "Did you learn anything from this section?" Just asking those basic questions allowed us to open up in ways we haven't before, and I felt closer to her knowing that we were talking about these things.

Dr. Kevin Leman pulls no punches. He is very blunt and outspoken on trying to help couples improve their sex lives on all different levels. And though the book isn't specifically for Christians, his own Christian faith keeps the book tactful, yet useful. He provides thoughts, insights, and ideas to improve music you make together in between the sheets.

I highly recommend this book to couples who have maybe fallen into the rut that sex in marriage can easily become if you're not careful. Not only will this give you some great ideas to help renew that spark, it will also get you and your wife talking about the most intimate thing in the world. And that, my friends, is a magical tool that turns an act of sex into an event of love making.

Somebody's Daughter — Fighting Pornography

2009-02-28T11:17:00.005-06:00

Pornography ruins marriages. Husbands have gotten so caught up in the sexual addiction of looking at pornography that they have lost everything that they have held dear to them.

And the internet today hasn't made it any easier. I've heard it said in the past that a man had to actually go and seek pornography if he wanted it, now pornography seeks him. Before, a man had to have the guts to go into a convenient store and buy a magazine. Now, a few innocent clicks online and men are bombarded by images that will be stored in their minds for years and years.

In a strange turn of events, the hunter has become the hunted.

One odd characteristic of a pornography addiction is that it somehow allows your mind to turn the image of a woman into an object. Somehow our brains do not connect the fact that the women we are lusting after is actually somebody's little girl. As fathers, it makes us sick with disgust and anger picturing someone objectifying our little girls. They are our babies. We greet their dates at the door with a shotgun because we want them to understand one thing very clearly: You will not degrade my baby girl.

But unfortunately, all too many of us will retreat to the computer and degrade other men's baby girls. Why can't we imagine the heartbreak her father would be feeling knowing his daughter was out there doing that, and that men were looking at her in that way?

I stumbled across a website recently that exists to help men confront their addiction to pornography. It is called Somebody's Daughter, and it is entirely based on this principle. Though I haven't seen the DVD myself, the preview looks great and it is endorsed by the same man who wrote Sex, Men, and God, a book I strongly recommended in our discussion on masturbation in the marriage relationship.

If pornography is something you struggle with, and are tired of struggling with it alone, I strongly recommend you go and check this site out. Though it may be very difficult journey, you will never be sorry about the decision to get help. Learn to starve your eyes only for your wife.

How To Enjoy A Plate Of Waffles And Spaghetti

2009-02-24T12:25:00.007-06:00

This is the final post in a three-part series. Part I is here. Part II is here.

In our first post we talked about how men live their lives in one box at a time, much like the squares of a waffle. Life is compartmentalized. There is a box for TV watching. There is a box for playing with the kids. There is a box for working in the garage. And there is a box for romance and sex. Actually, those are two different boxes. Typically, these issues all stay organized in their boxes and do not fraternize with the issues from the other boxes. A man jumps in one box, deals with the situation, and moves on.

In our second post, however, we discussed how women process life much like a plate of spaghetti. Every thought and feeling and is connected to every other thought and feeling in life. This is why women multi-task better. This is why women can change gears so quickly. A woman can be at work and be thinking of you at the same time. A woman can be getting the kids in the car and finishing up the grocery list at the same time.

If you're married, you are well aware of how these differences can cause friction in your relationship. A husband can get very frustrated with his wife for "jumping boxes" too quickly and leaving him feeling lost. He can also feel tricked into an argument because his wife may have accidentally read too much into a straying comment he made earlier in the day.

Women, on the other hand, can get very upset that their husbands seem so zoned out. It drives them crazy how he can't get his mind off something. How is that he may respond when he's sitting in front of the TV, but his brain's not involved. Why can't he see the little things that need attended to (like a crying child in the middle of his path) just because his mind is on something else.

In short, we as human beings can get very frustrated when someone doesn't see things in the same way we do. And often we assume that a person does understand how we're feeling, but that they just don't care. Ninety-nine percent of the time this is not true.

Instead of staying frustrated with these differences, we really must embrace them. When we seek to understand our spouse's point of view, love will not be hindered by our own interpretation of why he or she is doing the things that they do.

Below are some practical ways we can use this information as tools in our every day lives together. (My wife helped me come up with the list for the wives.)

For The Wives

1. Ask your husband to help with chores around the house. If he isn't helping, don't assume that he doesn't care. He's just in a different box. Even if it's just TV watching, that's what he's "working on" and he is giving it his all. In nine out of ten situations, he doesn't realize you need help. Understand that he needs you to tell him what you'd like done.

2. Give him time to change boxes. If you know there are several errands you want to get done while the two of you are out, make sure you've communicated those ahead of time instead of springing them on him last minute. He will have a better idea of the game plan and won't have his boxes crushed when he's wanting to get home in time for kickoff and you have "two more quick stops" in mind. Tell him ahead of time if a plan changes and give him a few minutes to climb into a different box.

3. Connected to that is just the idea of communicating what box you'd be in if you were in a box. For example, "Let's go to the mall" means different things to men and women. To a man it means, "Let's go to the mall and get some specific thing." To a woman it may mean that, or it may mean, "Let's just go spend time together at the mall." Let your husband in on the plan, and it will be easier for him to be there with you. Tell him, "I'd like to go look for some new jeans, and I'd like for you to help me pick them out." Done. He can be there for you. If you just want to browse, let him know: "I think I'm just going to look around for a while." Just hearing that your plan is no plan at all helps us feel better. We won't be as quick to get frustrated with you not buying anything because you let us know what you were thinking and we didn't have to guess.

For The Husbands

1. Chores around the house often go unnoticed. If you didn't know, there are two different thought processes happening when you are driving home with your wife at the end of a long day Christmas shopping. You are thinking how nice it will be to lay down on the couch and veg the rest of the night. You are planning to be in a Nothing Box until bed time. Your wife, on the other hand, is not feeling relaxed yet. She is planning dinner, remembering the wet clothes in the washing machine, and feeling like a bad mother because she's debating on letting the kids go another day without washing their hair. She also remembers that it's your mother's birthday next week and neither of you have signed that card yet. Oh and the bedroom is a mess. Though we do process life in boxes, we must learn to jump boxes quickly, and develop new boxes to help us in our marriage relationship. For example, develop the "What Can I Help With?" box for every time you arrive home. If you get into the habit of being in that box immediately when you get home, then you won't be disappointed if your wife asks you to do something. And, even though you may not see everything that needs to be done the way your wife does, she'll know that you want to. Also, when you are in the habit of jumping into that box as soon as you get home, you will actually learn to see those opportunities you may have otherwise not noticed.

2. Ask your wife questions so that you can choose which box to be in. One time my wife and I went to the mall and she was just browsing through a bunch of shirts. Instead of looking at my watch and sighing loudly, I simply asked nicely, "What are you looking for?" She told me she was looking for a black sweater and described it a little. Done. I got into the box of hunting for black sweaters and was on the case. Instead of just wondering what your wife is thinking, ask. That will help you and your box-mentality immensely.

3. If you've ever been in those talks where she gets mad at you for trying to fix all her problems, than this one's for you. In those conversations where you feel lost as to what she wants to hear from you, just kindly ask, "What is it that you need from me right now." If your wife is up to speed on your thought process (have her read these posts), she can let you know. "Oh, I don't know, I'm just venting right now." Or, "I want to know what you think I should do."

4. Lastly, remember that romance and sex are always connected. If you can work on combining these two waffle squares, your marriage will change indescribably.

I hope you are seeing the power that understanding our differences has in these situations. Sure we could get stuck on how "I shouldn't have to tell him" or complain and say "I just never know what she wants from me," but that gets us nowhere. When we understand these differences, it teaches us to still be in love because we aren't letting ourselves be distracted by the little things.

If you have enjoyed these posts, I strongly recommend you head on over to Amazon.com and order the book Men Are Like Waffles — Women Are Like Spaghetti by Jim and Pam Farrel. I promise that you and and your wife will not be disappointed. It's a fairly quick read, is pretty humorous, and just might change your relationship forever.

An Easy Way To Make Your Wife Love You More Today

2009-02-20T08:49:00.001-06:00

If you want to absolutely brighten your wife's day (and you better want to do that), head on over to klove.com and download this free song. It's called "When I Say I Do" and it's by an artist I've never heard of until now, Matthew West. It's a perfect song for an upcoming wedding, or to remind your wife how much your wedding vows still mean to you. It's a song most definitely worth listening to.

This is one of those "unexpected gifts at an unexpected time" that I talked about in this post here. Go and download this song and think about a unique way to present it to your wife. Maybe burn it on a CD and drop it off at work with a flower. Or, deliver it to her at home when you're on your lunch break. Or, after the kids go to bed tonight (and help with the process), make sure the house is cleaned up and tell her that you want to have a dance with her before you guys head to bed, and play this song. The possibilities are endless, husbands, so don't miss this opportunity. I heard that the song will only be free through the end of the week, so hurry up and download it!

And definitely come back and share with us how you presented this gift to your wife.

Valentine's Day Challenge

2009-02-11T09:58:00.002-06:00

I'm sorry for the delay in getting the final part in my Waffles and Spaghetti series to you. My wife and I had extra time off this week which I was hoping would give me more time to write, but it actually just got filled up with all that stuff we've kept simmering on the back burner. It's been good getting that stuff done, but I've fallen behind on my virtual responsibilities.

We'll get to that final post in the series next time, but I did want to take a few minutes and remind you husbands that Valentine's Day is this Saturday. Please don't wait until Friday night (or Saturday morning!) to go out and grab the first bouquet of flowers that you see. Go buy your gift today.

And on that note, I challenge you to put some thought into your gift. Don't default to what you always do. Buy something she will be surprised by (I mean the good kind of surprise). Is there a store she loves shopping in but knows that you hate? Go there and get a gift. Want to buy her some perfume? Go and spend time trying different fragrances and find one that you like. She'll love the time that you spent finding something for her and not just because you had to because it's Valentine's Day.

Some men love to hate Valentine's Day — a day Hallmark created simply to make more money. As true as that may be, take the opportunity to make it a special day for her. Look at it as a wonderful chance to show her (and her friends, family, and coworkers) how much you love her. It doesn't mean spend a lot of money, it means THINK ABOUT HER.

I'd love to hear any gift ideas that any of you have in the comment sections below. I'd share mine but sometimes my wife reads this site and I can't ruin the surprise!

My Wife Is A Plate Of Spaghetti

2009-02-03T10:24:00.005-06:00

This is the second post in a three-part series. Read the first part here.

Previously we talked about how men are like waffles. Men process life in little boxes, usually only spending time in one box at a time, and enjoy staying in a box until that "issue" is dealt with, whether it be a watching a movie or finishing a project at work.

Women on the other hand, are like spaghetti.

From the book Men Are Like Waffles – Women Are Like Spaghetti by Steve and Pam Farrel:

"If you look at a plate of spaghetti, you notice that there are individual noodles that all touch one another. If you attempted to follow one noodle around the plate, you would intersect a lot of other noodles and you might even switch to another noodle [seemingly] seamlessly. That's how women process life. Every thought and issue is connected to every other thought and issue in some way. Life is much more a process for women than it is for men."

This is why women can multi task effortlessly. This is why women often feel the need to talk things through. And, listen up here, guys: This is why women want to talk to you about their problems but don't necessarily want you to try and fix them! All of life is a process, and we as husbands either help or hinder that process.

"In conversation, a woman can link the logical, emotional, relational, and spiritual aspects of the topic. These links come so naturally that the conversation is effortless for her. If she's able to connect all the issues together, the answer to the question at hand bubbles to the surface and is readily accepted.

"This often creates significant stress when a man and woman talk because while she's making all the connections, he's frantically jumping boxes, trying to keep up with the conversation. The man's eyes are rolling back in his head while the tidal wave of information is swallowing him up. When the woman is finished, she feels better and he's overwhelmed."

Usually after this tidal wave of information the question, "So what do you think?" comes out. Shoot! About what? What do I think about what? About what she was looking for at the mall, or about taking this new job, or about her relationship with her dad when she was little! What?! What?! Or maybe that's just me.

When I was younger I used to have a lot of friends who were girls. One thing they used to all say to me was that they enjoyed talking to me because I was a good listener. I always smiled and said thank you, but inside I was feeling completely lost. I wasn't participating in the conversation because I had no earthly idea what I should say! I didn't know how to keep up in the conversation so I just remained silent.

This is why a wife typically takes things more personally than her husband; a casual comment about tonight's dinner not being your favorite is not just a comment about dinner, it's a comment about her whole life. While you were simply answering her question about how you liked the meal, what she heard was that you don't think she's a good cook. Which implies that you don't think she feeds the family well. Which implies that you don't think she can take care of her kids. And that makes perfect sense because you're always asking to go out to eat on Sunday afternoon which she never liked because her family always ate lunch at home on Sundays and so the only reason why you wouldn't want to do that is because you actually wished you were married to the girlfriend your mom always talks about with such fond memories!

Wait, what? No...Yes?...um...I don't know! You thought you were just in the box of answering the question about dinner. You jumped into the "Question About Dinner" box, fixed the problem, and jumped out. Now on to the "Help With Dishes" box. The only thing is, to her you weren't in a waffle box, you were on a plate of spaghetti, and you just grabbed onto a noodle that was connected to noodles that go years back.

I hope you can all appreciate the humor in this, but I'm sure that most of you will seriously relate to these situations as well. If both sexes will understand these differences, arguments like these will become fewer and fewer.

It is very important that both the men and the women realize that this isn't an excuse, it's simply an explanation. If the husband can come to terms with the fact that this is how his wife was designed, he will keep himself from getting overly upset and resentful for his wife's processed lifestyle. He will spend more time seeking to give her what she does need, instead of shutting off and retreating to an easy box, like zoning out and watching a game. If the wife can understand that this is how her brain works, she can work extra hard to clue her husband in on where her thoughts are going, and be more patient when he gets lost. She can also work extra hard to not take things so personally by understanding that her husband was directly responding to the situation at hand, and didn't mean to associate it with any other event in the relationship.

In the next post we'll talk more about waffles and spaghetti and how a marriage can thrive (not simply survive) through understanding the strange differences between man and woman.

VIEW PART THREE OF THIS SERIES HERE.

I Am A Waffle

2009-01-27T08:44:00.008-06:00

The other day my wife asked me to sign a couple of Thank You cards we needed to deliver to some friends later in the morning. Kindly, she put them on my dresser so I wouldn't forget. A few minutes later, as requested, I signed the cards and went ahead and closed up the envelopes. Then I left them on the dresser.

Thirty minutes later after we were well on our way to visit our friends, my wife asked, "You brought the cards, right?" Um, no. Why would I have brought them? All you asked me to do was sign them. I quickly apologized, saying, "I'm sorry...you asked me to sign them, so I signed them and left them on the dresser."

What could have easily been an argument along the lines of Why would I need to ask you to bring them when you knew that we were on our way out the door? Why can't you just think about these things? did not turn into that because my wife understands something extremely important about me:

I am a waffle.

Another one of my favorite relationship books that has been a huge help to my wife and me in our marriage is called Men Are Like Waffles – Women Are Like Spaghetti by Steve and Pam Farrel. Over the next couple of posts I'd like to highlight some of the concepts in that book. If what I mention interests you at all, I strongly suggest ordering yourself a copy. It is a light-hearted and humorous read with some very, very true principles that will help you both be "understanding and delighted in your differences."

Men Are Like Waffles
We men process life in boxes, much like the little boxes that make up a waffle. And we can really only effectively spend time in one box at a time. We have a box for work, a box for family, a box for listening, a box for signing thank you cards, etc. Our thinking is divided up into boxes that have room for one issue, and one issue only. It's why we can get so caught up fixing things. It's why we get a little nervous when you ask, "Did you miss me today while you were at work?"

From the book:

"When he's at work he's at work. When he's in the garage tinkering around, he's in the garage tinkering. When he's watching TV, he's simply watching TV. That's why he can look like he's in a trance and ignore everything else going on around him. Social scientists call this 'compartmentalizing'—putting life and responsibilities into different compartments."

This fact of man is exactly why we can answer the question, "What are you thinking about?" with, "Nothing" and mean it. There is a Nothing Box, and we enjoy spending time in it often. Women have a hard time believing this, but it's true.

This is exactly why I forgot the Thank You cards the other morning. She asked me to sign my name, I did, and I felt good that I did what she asked. I jumped in that box, fixed the problem, and moved on. This is extremely frustrating for some women to understand, and it's extremely frustrating for some men who can't quite explain the way they tick in a way that makes sense to their women.

It is very important that both the men and women realize that this isn't an excuse, it's simply an explanation. If the wives can come to terms with the fact that this is how her husband was designed, she will keep herself from getting overly upset about mishaps and will not take these misunderstandings personally. If the husband can understand that this is how his brain works, then he can try extra hard to teach himself how to ask, "Now, is there anything else I could do besides what I was asked to?" after he has dealt with the issue in his current box.

So that's just a little bit about men and waffles. Next time I'll talk about how women are like spaghetti, and then after that we'll talk about how waffles and spaghetti are supposed to get along on the same plate.

VIEW PART 2 OF THIS SERIES HERE.