Ian's Reason

A new season...AGAIN!

2015-10-06T11:14:00.000-07:00

It's been too long...it seems like a different lifetime when we were updating last. We had to make our blog private due to our adoption country requests. Long story short...we were expecting a referral any day for Maggie and things changed...AGAIN! The country didn't seem to have any little girls and things just weren't "feeling" like they were right. We changed our country! We moved our adoption journey back to China last January and after months of waiting, our dossier is in China and we are simply waiting for the email with the picture of our sweet Maggie we have prayed so long for! Another new season...I went back to teaching last March. I am teaching Kindergarten and I love it. This wasn't exactly in our plan for our life but it was as if God led the way for me to return to the classroom. I had been praying "Here am I Lord send me" thinking we would be going to another country. Much to my surprise I was called back to my home school where my heart is. After a lot of adjustments in our family we are accustomed to the new life with a working mommy and wife (most days LOL) Friday marks six years since Ian passed away. I knew this year would be a different experience with this grief because I am working now. I can't simply cry the day away and lay in bed or go on an adventure with Asher. I was praying on the way to school "Lord I hear of people "seeing" their loved ones or having visions. I want this Lord. Please let me see my sweet Ian or just give me a glimpse of what his days are like. Please give me open eyes and ears to hear You speak to me Lord. I'm looking!" Asher immediately said "I miss my bubba mommy!" He says this a lot even though they never met here on this earth as brothers. I wanted to become sad at this but it was as if God filled me with words to comfort our child. "Asher Ian is so happy! He won...you know how we are singing and praising God in our car? Well, Ian is getting to do this EVERY day with God! He is actually singing to God right now!!!" Asher responded with "I want to do that mommy!" I then led into telling my sweet four year old that if he believes in Jesus and asks him to live in his heart that one day he too will be singing praises to our Lord. There was my first glimpse today of what Ian is doing :) Next Asher says "I'm so happy God healed Ian!" I respond with "Me too buddy. Your brother can run and jump now. He can see with clear eyes and hear better than we can. He can even eat chocolate cake!" (all of this had to be explained of course that Ian couldn't do any of this. This just devastated Asher that he couldn't see or eat, etc.) Asher said "I bet he eats chocolate cake all day in Heaven!" :) I don't know if that's right but there was my second glimpse of Ian. Then it was if God said plain as day to me..."Mary, Asher is your glimpse of your healthy Ian! The way Asher runs, and plays...the way he tells an animated story...the way he has JOY in his heart...the sparkle in eyes. The pure sweetness that oozes from Asher as he says "Mommy you are still my best friend" Ian has all of this now! AND MORE!!!" It was as if God just showed me to look at Asher and that gives me a glimpse...a very small glimpse of what my sweet little boy is doing in Heaven. He is just doing it without any tears or sadness or sickness. He won the battle...I need to always remember Ian won! After all of this conversation Asher's favorite song "Your love never fails, it never gives up, it never runs out on me" came on. He said turn it up mommy I want to praise God like my bubba!!! He began singing so loud!!! It was as if God said "Look in your rearview mirror Mary and you can see a glimpse of what Ian is doing right now!" As I watched my sweet four your old sing his little heart out I was so thankful for the visual God gave me today to comfort my heart...Ian is fine! He's happy, healthy, and whole. Our hearts still ache for him to be in our arms but I know that I know that I know that my little Ian is perfect now. Just perfect!

A Rhizo Kids Mother's Day

2014-05-10T06:10:00.000-07:00

When Ian was born there wasn't much information available about Rhizomelic Chondrodysplasia Punctata. There wasn't many known families with RCDP and it was hard to find any other parents with children with this condition. It was a hard, lonely, and isolating time in our lives. Then God stepped in and showed me that Ian wasn't a "mistake" but a God ordained circumstance where he would bring me one of dearest friends in the world with Tracey Thomas. It was by no accident that our boys were born at the same hospital five weeks apart. It was no accident that the doctors and nurses who had cared for Ian were now caring for Jackson. God did that! He sent me a friend, a sister, and a partner in crime! Tracey and I decided we would start a non profit organization a couple of months after the boys were born. We knew three other families with children like ours and we all worked together to get this started. We started with a $150 donation from my uncle which paid for us to start the Rhizo Kids website. Through that website we have met well over 70 families have been affected by RCDP. Because of that first donation that got us off the ground we have doctors who come annually to our Rhizo Kids conference to meet our children. We have doctors who are doing research on treatments for our kids and we have doctors creating Natural History studies on children with RCDP. We are able to bring many families to Chesnut Bay Resort once a year to be welcomed into an environment where their family is "normal" for a few days. Here they meet with doctors and learn how to take care of their child's serious medical needs. I want to cry every year I see the new families come in...they are so scared. But by the end of our conference they are happy and laughing and it makes my heart smile BIG! You see this all started from one small donation that led to something big. Every donation we get counts...every $1, $5, $20, or every shirt bought. Rhizo Kids requires an annual budget of about $90,000 now. We are only bringing in about $60,000. We aren't going to be able to continue on this path for long. When my sweet Ian died a large part of me died. I wasn't able to continue doing the things I had done for Rhizo Kids. My heart was shattered and I was doing good to put one foot in front of the other. I dropped everything in Tracey Thomas' lap and I ran! I did the minimal to get by for Rhizo Kids and I tried to let my heart heal. The truth is I'm a mom who has buried her child and there is no cure for that pain. Running from Rhizo Kids wasn't the answer...Tracey has went above and beyond for Rhizo Kids and has made it an awesome organization. She applies for grants and has a lot of support from Honda. She has continued all of this work even after losing her precious Jackson. She is a hero to me!!! So this year for Mother's Day instead of just looking at Tracey and myself and thinking"Man I feel sorry for them! They have to endure this day without one of their children!" Will you do something for us that will make us smile on Mother's Day? You can buy a new Rhizo Kids shirt or send a donation to Rhizo Kids in our child's honor. We can't hug our boys anymore and we can't whisper "I love you" into their ears. But we can continue our work for Rhizo Kids in their memory and still be their MOMS! It will crush the Rhizo Kids organization if we aren't able to meet the monetary obligations that Rhizo Kids has now. This is all we can do for our boys in this life now that they are gone and we need your help. My uncle never knew what his $150 donation would do for Rhizo Kids...he never dreamed it would be this big. Maybe your donation or shirt order or help at our conference will be the next driving force for Rhizo Kids. Tracey and I will wake up on Mother's day this year and we will survive the day just like last year. It won't be a day all full of smiles...inside our hearts there will always be the missing piece but we will be able to make it through the day knowing that we are still doing something for our boys by keeping their memory alive through Rhizo Kids. This is our new shirt design we are selling. You can buy one for $15. They are gray and we can get them in infant sizes up through XXX. You can email me at maryellis96@yahoo.com for a shirt or you can contact me on FB to order one. If you would like to mail us a donation please email me and I will get you our mailing address. Thank you for your continued support! action=view¤t=MarySignaturecopy-3.jpg" target="_blank">

Walk by faith not by sight...

2014-02-20T20:00:00.002-08:00

So much seems to happen in our lives between each blog post. I guess it's because I go 2 months without posting now. I would tell you I will do better but I'm not going to lie. Our lives are crazy busy right now and plans change every day around here. I have tried to quit planning because every time I do God changes them...when will I learn :) Our adoption journey is...what's the right word...umm...kind of changing?!? Wae and I decided we wanted to take ourselves out of the planning. We decided "word of mouth" was going to be the route we would go for now. You know so we had no control over the situation. Ok...I will be honest. It's so I don't control the situation. We all know Wae isn't doing the controlling here. He is seriously patiently waiting for God to lead us instead of us trying to lead God. We have told a few OB/GYN doctors and nurses that we are interested in adoption. We have told all of our families and friends and I have obviously told our blogging world family as well. We have been praying with full faith that God would lead us to our baby through this method. I have made a book on shutterfly telling our story which shows our family life before Ian, during Ian, and after Ian. It explains the many ways God has called us to adoption and we plan to give those to a few doctors. Is this the route I originally told God I was willing to pursue? (insert laughter here)No it's not! However, this is where we feel like we are supposed to be going right now. I am not going to give all the details of our adoption journey right now. God is leading us in a way that is far too big for me to type on this blog. He is connecting us to people who only He could connect us with. He has given us a vision...the vision is being refined not changed. He is simply adjusting it to His will for our lives. We are totally following His lead right now and the only way I can describe it is that we are walking by faith and not by sight. It is as if there are hundreds of people praying for this God ordained vision we have and God is listening. He is answering and He is leading Wae and I down the path He has laid out for us. It is not what I originally visioned. It is actually terrifying just to be honest. However, something amazing is happening. Something that can come only from God. Wae and I are at such peace with the direction we are headed. We are so happy and honored that God is trusting us enough to allow us to be a part of a much bigger plan than we had dreamed. From the beginning of this new path we started my prayer has been that God would give Wae and I the same convictions...that we would always be on the same page. I read in a book that visions thrive in an environment of unity and die in an environment of division. I know if we don't stay on the same page that this is not the path for us. It's crazy how "together" we are right now. So you might be asking yourself...why is she sharing this but not telling us all the details?!? I just can't right now. But I shared because I believe many of you have prayed for us for years. I believe many of your prayers were answered and that's why Wae and I have our healthy little boy Asher. I believe you all love our family and have prayed without ceasing. We need your prayers now again...This path is so new and we just don't know where it will go. There are so many options and we need you to pray for discernment, unity, love, understanding, and I know you aren't supposed to pray for patience so be creative on that one. I need patience right now though :) We are walking by faith and not by sight and I pray God helps me each morning to continue walking by faith. The devil easily knows how to distract me and is trying to sidetrack this God ordained vision. I need prayer to remain focused on the path set before me. I don't know where we are going...I don't know if it's a "Maggie" we will be getting. Maybe it's Maggie or maybe it's another fun little boy. Maybe it's an option far from a new baby girl or baby boy. Maybe our "adoption" vision is larger than what we saw as adoption in the past. Thank you for your prayers. I believe they are one reason we are where we are today. Now a little update on Asher...he's a mess y'all. His favorite sayings are "4..5..6" (I have no idea why) If you say anything about time he says "10 minutes" in the sweetest voice you've ever heard. He calls himself a cowboy and a donkeyhead thanks to his pops! He loves to pray "God our father praise Jesus!" He lists 300 prayer requests at night and prays for them all. He had his first injury...he fell on the edge of the rock fireplace and it immediately started gushing blood right above his eye. He had to have that glued up. Mommy cried...no I panicked and totally freaked out! He loves to hug, kiss, and snuggle and yes he uses all those words. He comes to me and says "Rock the baby mommy!" And yes I drop everything and rock the baby. He says "Hold you mommy. Hold you!" This means he wants me to pick him up. He's a momma's boy and I love it!!! He has about 6 girlfriends already and is only 2 1/2 years old. I'm a little worried about this. He had a date for Valentine's this year :) He has the sweetest heart...if he thinks he did something wrong he says I sorry mommy I sorry! He is not all good all the time though...he is a ball of energy and he wears me down somedays. He never stops and talks 24/7. Half the time you have no clue what he's saying but you better figure something out b/c he won't stop until you recognize him :) He unfolds all the laundry I fold and laughs every time. He laughs a lot, he loves big, and he snuggles tighter than anyone I know. He's my heart! I love him with all I have and I"m so thankful he's mine.

Where do we go God?

2013-11-09T19:30:00.001-08:00

It's been one month that Wae and I have known we were going to adopt. We have only been on this journey for one month. I'm sure by now you all know Wae and I both are not patient. We have gotten so cracked up at ourselves...we just knew we would follow God's calling and the baby would "fall out of the sky" into our "empty pouch" just like in the book we read with Asher. We think about all the children around the world living in orphanages and we know there are many children who need a mom and dad to love them. We just thought it would go something like this...God calls us to adopt, we follow the calling, we call an agency, they say here's the kid for you, and we bring her home. HA!!! Nope...it's NOTHING like that. We are determined to do this God's way and not our way. We are having to pray ourselves out of this process every day!!! I would have already completed the application with the first agency I found and be starting a home study. However, I am praying over every little thing we are doing. We do not want to go down the wrong path. I have never wanted to do something God's way as much as I want to do this His way. He has a certain child for our family. The child may be in China, or Kazakhstan, or Japan, or South Korea, or Thailand, or even in America. Today just might be his or her birthday! She might be laying alone by herself right now in an alley because her biological parents abandoned her. This thought haunts me!!! She might be crying in her bed in an orphanage because she just wants to be held. I don't know where she is but I want to find her!!! I want to pick her up and kiss her cheeks and tell her everything will be ok. I want to tell her I love her and that she will never have to be scared again. Asher lays on me every night as I look through the album of waiting children looking for our sweet sister (we really want a sister) Tonight our sweet little two year folded his hands and said "Pray mommy, Jesus!" Then pointed to the screen. I explained to him that these boys and girls are living in orphanages and that they don't have mommies and daddies to love. I explained that Jesus wanted us to adopt one of these orphans into our family to love. I realized at the age of two Asher is already being effected by the path of adoption we are headed down. I know he will love to have a sister to play with and I pray God leads us to her. I can't imagine all the emotions we are going to have as we travel through this life experience. Please pray for us. We are trying to decide what country God wants us to adopt from. We have a few we are looking at and we have one we really, really both agree on. The country has suspended adoptions with the US at this time. The two countries are meeting this month and hoping to raise the suspension. Please pray with us that this happens. If the suspension is raised we will know God wants us to adopt from here. Please pray over the country of Kazakhstan that if it is God's will for us to adopt from this country that the suspension will be no more and that God lays out the path for us to follow to find our child. Also pray that if this is not the country for us that God clearly shows us where He has our child waiting for us. Your prayers will be heard and God will answer us...we appreciate your prayers more than you know. Our first prayer to be answered is what country and then we will move on to our next prayer...what agency do we use? Do we use one agency for the home study and then another agency for the placing agency??? You can feel free to start praying for our second step as well. Night all...going to sleep hugging our sweet Asher tonight more thankful than ever God blessed us with this ball of energy and praying for our sweet little girl to be safe in our Heavenly Father's arms!

Blessings from above...

2013-10-29T20:08:00.000-07:00

Before Ian was born, during Ian's life, and after Ian's passing Wae and I have always thought we would adopt. Before Ian was born we knew we wanted to adopt because we wanted to help a child who wasn't being loved or cared for...a child who was possibly going to be aborted or a child who was living in an orphanage somewhere needing a mom and dad. When Ian was born and after he passed away we thought we would adopt and never have biological children because we were so terrified at the risk of RCDP occurring again. As you all know, God did bless us and we have a healthy biological child...our precious Asher. Our desire to adopt has not gone away. If anything, our desire to adopt has grown.We have been praying for quite some time now about God's will for our lives. I very selfishly have wanted to have another child in hopes of having a little girl who would be like me. (Asher is just like his dadddy :) However, after months of prayer and discussions between Wae and I God has confirmed time and time again that His will for our lives is for us to adopt. We recently started a new study at church. While reading my book I realized I had to abandon my own selfish desires in life. I was praying one morning when I was alone (that is rare all you moms know that!) I was praying out loud..."God, empty me and fill me up with you Lord. I want to abandon my own selfish desires for my life and I only want what you want Lord. Wae and I desperately want more children Lord but I don't want to do anything that is not Your will for our lives. Please just show us what to do Lord...please give us a sign. My heart is open...I am listening and waiting for You to reveal Your will for our lives." I went about my business and got ready that morning for church. Wae was already at church. Asher woke up about 30 minutes later and I got him up and started getting him ready for church. In the meantime I see him digging in a drawer he's never even opened in his chest of drawers in his room. It is full of books. I have a huge basket of books we read from but I had put the extras in this drawer. Now remember we NEVER get books from this drawer. Asher dug in this drawer and pulled out a book. It was Sunday morning...we were running late. Doesn't everyone run late on Sunday morning :) He insisted I read him this book. I finally agreed and sat down in the floor with him...plopped him in my lap and picked up the book. "Blessing from Above" I read the book with tears streaming down my face...it was about adoption!!! A mother kangaroo adopted a baby blue bird...it just fell out of the nest into her empty pouch. Remember one hour ago I prayed for God to show us what to do about children...I told Him my heart was open and that I was listening. He got me!!! He answered me within an hour. Wow! I took the book to church and made Wae look at it during church. I told him God sent us a letter and used Asher to deliver it. I tell you this story to let you know Wae and I are beginning the process of finding our third child. Our first child was a special miracle from God only loaned to us for a couple of years. He taught us how to love and about what was really important in life. Our second child is a double portion of pure happiness. God chose to bless us with Asher when the medical world said it was impossible. I cannot wait to see what our third child will be...a chosen blessing who I am praying for day and night. We aren't sure which direction we will head. We are praying and praying and praying looking for God to point us in the right direction...DHR adoption/foster care, private domestic adoption or international adoption. I have always wanted to adopt a sweet little girl from China. We don't have a clue what we are doing and we are fully trusting in God's guidance. If you have any advice please email me at maryellis96@yahoo.com If you know of someone who is pregnant or hear of a baby up for adoption please think of us. You just might be the way God helps us find our sweet child. We would appreciate your prayers as we begin this journey that can last for years. I am not known for my patience but I know this new journey will require a lot of patience and prayer. Thank you in advance for your prayers for our new family... Just a few pics from the past few weeks...dove hunting with daddy, kisses for mommy, and admiring the sunflowers on Ian's 6th birthday in his sunflower field PapE plants us every year.

Guess who?

2013-09-26T12:26:00.001-07:00

I am laying in the bed beside my wild man while he naps. Yes...I lay down with him every day in order to get him asleep. Yes...I have done this since birth. And no I do not regret it :) I usually get up and get a lot of housework done while he is napping but today I am choosing to snuggle and update "Bubba's" page. I wish you could all know Asher. This sweet little boy is such a mess. At church last night I asked are all boys this active?!? Do they all go, go, go and never stop? Are they all so rough?!? Do they just run in circles and scream from excitement. Asher is the perfect mix of sweet and full of personality. He is so loving...hugs everyone and kisses all the girls. (Oh me...I'm in trouble) But then the little booger has a streak of meanness about him too. He's just so wild I don't know how to calm him down. I know what you're thinking..."Give him a spanking!" Surprisingly we do...maybe too many. I spank this poor child many times a day. Thing is he knows he shouldn't bite or pinch or hit but sometimes his emotions get the best of him :) God love him...I'm sure he'll "outgrow" it. I've heard this a million times. But the Asher Wae and I and close friends and family see is mainly pure sweetness. He will ask to pray for his friends. He wants to love on everybody and hug and kiss and let you know just how much you mean to him. He wants everybody he loves to think they are his #1 favorite person in the world. He loves so BIG! I love that about Asher. He has recently gotten to know Tracey (Jackson Thomas's mom...the other little boy in AL with RCDP) Sweet Jack Jack passed away in February of this year. Lately Asher has been asking to pray for Tracey and Jack Jack and he will tell me that Tracey is "sad" I don't know how our little boy knows this but it shows me his heart. That he cares for others and their happiness. He talks about his bubba a lot and he only knows Ian through pictures. However, he knows he has a bubba and that bubba is with Jesus. He knows where we go to visit bubba and he will hug and kiss bubba's pictures. His heart is pure sweetness and I hope he stays that way. He just turned two and we had a big tractor birthday party. He is OBSESSED with tractors. I have never seen a two year old so excited about his birthday. He was crazy running everywhere saying "Tractor, big tractor!" It was one of the happiest days of my life. We had a hayride on a tractor, big tractors everywhere, and Asher got a John Deere tractor to drive for his birthday present from all his friends. He was truly excited about getting "presents" He can tell me who gave him what presents and it cracks me up! I am still a stay at home mommy and I love it. Many moms tell me they could never do it but I don't know how I could do anything else. It's my dream come true every day...spending all day with my healthy little boy! We play outside, we have "mommy school" we snack, we watch Rio a million times a day, we play tractors and more tractors, we put together puzzles, we paint and color, we snuggle and we love each other. I love every second of it and I'm so thankful God has blessed me with this opportunity. Just wanted to share our sweet Asher with you and update you on his silliness. Maybe it won't take me so long next time.

What IS Ian's Reason?!?

2013-07-11T20:48:00.001-07:00

I am thankful for my life. I am thankful I have grown up in America where I am free. I am even more thankful I have grown up in a small town in Alabama where Christian values are the norm. I am thankful for the blessings God has given our family. I am also ashamed that I do not do more for others. I am ashamed there are children going to sleep hungry tonight and I have done NOTHING to help them. I haven't witnessed to their families, I haven't helped them get food, I haven't bought them clothes, or taken them the clothes I have "outgrown" :) I've sat here in my "comfortable" life and continued to do things to make myself and my family happy. I haven't went on a mission trip and served others and I haven't given any effort to making a difference. Wae has just returned from Brazil on a mission trip. Before he left I was terrified! I was scared he would die in a plane crash, I was scared he would be murdered there for sharing his faith, I was scared he would get sick there, I was scared. I should not have been so afraid...I should have PRAYED!!! I was scared he would come home and say we had to go back and adopt all the children he met and just to be honest I was scared he would say to pack my bags that we were going to become full time missionaries. I wasn't worried about me being so touched and changed by the stories he would tell me. I have soaked in every story he has shared and I have loved listening to him share about people accepting Christ. I didn't realize that I should be scared that HIS experience would change MY life! I love children! I have a very soft spot for them and I have always known that my calling in life involved working with kids. I CANNOT stand the thought of a child going to bed hungry. It makes me sick to think that a child is living on the street tonight alone and afraid about what their next few hours of life might entail. And it infuriates me to no end that there are children being prostituted in countries. There are kids who have no toys and probably don't even know what a matchbox car is. What can I do? How can I help? Ian's Reason...when Ian was born his "reason" was to help other Rhizo families. We did that with Tracey as we started Rhizo Kids and brought families together from around the world. This is still a ministry of ours but we are not as involved now that Ian is no longer here. I know there is more to "Ian's Reason" I have been praying for so long for God to reveal my purpose in life. Am I supposed to return to teaching God?!? Father, do you want me to be a mom and only a mom...forever?!? Lord Jesus do you want me to go back to school and get a new degree?!? OR...do you want me to simply serve you?!? I have prayed and prayed along with Wae I'm sure that we would know God's will for our lives. I have a stirring in my heart and a yearning in my soul to not let Ian's Reason die. I want our sweet child to make a difference even though he is no longer with us. I want to start something through God's calling on our life. I am waiting...I am feeling a push to start a program "Ian's Reason" Maybe this will be here at home or in Brazil where Wae went on his mission trip. Maybe we can send Christmas boxes of presents there for children or maybe we can start a program to sponsor children there. Maybe even bigger...could we open a place for children to go as a refuge if they are homeless so they don't have to be afraid at night...so they don't have to be prostitutes?!? We could minister to these children and tell about our Lord and Savior and try to make a difference in their lives. Dreams can start small and grow big right?!? I'm just tired of watching others follow God's direction and me just sitting...and sitting...and sitting!!! When I stand in front of MY Savior I want to know that I used all He gave me while I was here! Please join me in praying that God's will for our lives would be revealed and that I will only pursue this if it is God's will. As I am scared again as I try to listen and follow God I will remember what we taught our kids at VBS this week. "God helps me. I will not be afraid!"

It's that time of year...

2013-05-30T13:00:00.004-07:00

Once a year I get to put aside all things from my new "normal" and do something for Ian. Once a year for about a week or two I get to do something for Ian and I'm so thankful I have the opportunity to spend some time on doing things for him. It's that time again...Rhizo Kids Conference 2013. We are expecting around 75 people!!! There are 14 families coming and there will be 13 Rhizo Kids. We have families coming from all over...Texas, Tennessee, Canada, Ohio, and many more. There are five doctors coming who all have some great advancements for RCDP to tell us about. Although we are all so excited about being with our Rhizo family for 5 whole days there is also sadness looming. As we left the conference last year with many tears there was the unspoken fear in all of us. "Whose child won't be here next year?" IT's a dreaded thought for the Rhizo family, but when you are dealing with a fatal disorder it is inevitable. This year it is our sweet Jack Jack who won't be there. Our house won't be the same without his sweet self there. I always loved the fact that if you said "No, no, no, no, no" to Jack he would just laugh and laugh. He was such a hoot! I tell you all of this to ask that you all pray for Tracey. The conference is so hard to attend when you don't have your child. I always dread the moment we take the mom group picture because I don't have Ian to hold. Tracey's hurt is so fresh I believe she is going to need a lot of prayers. Please join me in praying for strength, courage, peace, and understanding for Tracey. If you would like to do something to help with the conference we would love to let you offer your kindness to our Rhizo family. We could use drinks. We need canned drinks and waters. We could also use some prepackaged snacks for the kids. You could drop off any donations at my parent's office in Centre by next Wednesday. If you'd like to contact me you can email me at maryellis96@yahoo.com Please be in prayer for the conference. We will start on Wednesday preparing all the houses and final touches before the families arrive on Thursday. We will have medical meetings Thursday-Sunday. Please pray for compassionate hearts from our doctors, safe travels for the families, and health for the precious kids. Thank you for loving Ian then and now and for supporting our mission through prayer. We can feel them.

What's your weakness...

2013-05-17T20:04:00.000-07:00

Do you have a weakness in your life? A soft spot in your heart that the devil knows if he messes with it that he will get to you. Something that he knows if you are headed in a direction that's a path from the Lord that he better hit your soft spot to divert your attention. I have many weaknesses in my own life but one weakness is different. It is personal...it is something I guard with all my heart. All I ever wanted to be when I "grew up" was a momma. I dreamed of being a teacher and a wife but my heart was all about being a mom! That dream was kind of changed (for lack of a better word) when Ian was born. I had to become a mom, a Dr., a hospice nurse, an advocate, a researcher, an organizer, etc. I wasn't able to be "just a mom" to Ian. I embraced what motherhood was with Ian though and I loved every second of it. However, when I became a mom for the second time I became "just a mom!" I was able to be normal and enjoy no worries...so I thought! The devil picked up real quick that Asher was my soft spot...Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord; plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans for hope and a future." I claimed this verse on Asher's life from conception. I have prayed this verse over this child so many times I cannot even count them. I recite it over and over and over. God has great plans for Asher! The devil tries to invade my thoughts and make me visualize bad things as if that's what we deserve. However, God blessed us with Asher Jeremiah 1:5 "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations." God has a hope and a future for Asher. I tell the Devil this when he puts the horrible, awful doubts and questions in my head. I pray for God to banish the evil thoughts from my head that Satan is placing there. I 100% believe he is trying to sabotage my happiness and faith in Jesus Christ. He will not win!!! Asher has been sick with cold symptoms since about his 1st birthday. I just thought he had seasonal allergies like the rest of us and we went on our merry way. A few weeks ago I went to the doctor for yet another cold with Asher. His doctor gave him steroids for one week and breathing treatments every four hours for a week. He said he was 99% sure Asher had Asthma. Disheartening...my normal life was getting a little tainted with worries over the asthma. I let myself go to those bad places Satan wanted me to go. We did the treatment for a week, he was better, made the Dr. think even more that it was asthma. Boo! Two days later he's sick...AGAIN! It's viral infection this time 103.7 fever for a couple days no fun! I got worried...he's been sick too much. Somethings not right?!? I go to Asher's ENT who gave him ear tubes and explained what all had been happening. He says let's do allergy testing. We do that and we are positive for a peanut allergy! NO!!! Once again...the devil gets me. "Why wouldn't God just let you have one completely healthy child? Why can't he let you be worry free?!? Why would you worship a God like that who won't reward you with health for Asher?" This is what the devil is placing in my head! Along with every worry that can come with a peanut allergy. It can be a very serious allergy. I continue to try not to freak out. I meet with his dr and discover that his overall allergy test score was high so he's allergic to more stuff we just don't know what yet. Will do more testing soon. I can't wait now. I'm a wreck! Reading labels, watching Asher's reactions to foods, crazy lady here I'm telling you! So I tell you all this to say the devil has found my weak spot. Asher's well being means the world to me. I want nothing more than for him to be healthy and carefree. The devil may be trying to divert me from following God's plan but he doesn't know that I know that God keeps his promises. God has a plan for Asher. He knew that plan before he was even formed in my womb. He set this child apart a long time ago and he has plans for a hope and a FUTURE for Asher. You know it could be worse. It could be cancer, RCDP, something fatal, etc. He's just allergic to peanuts for goodness sake Mary! He can't eat Reece cups or homemade chocolate oatmeal cookies. Big deal, who cares! He can move his arms, he can run and play, he can reach around my neck and hug me! Get a grip!!! I tell you all this to say please pray for the battle in my mind. Please pray the rational, Christ following, God fearing mind to win and that the irrational, question asking, worried momma loses!!! Asher will be fine...we will make adjustments. I will educate myself on this and life will be good. Just pray the devil loses and that I am NOT diverted from the path God intends for our lives. I WANT to follow Him!!! I will let you knew about our further testing and ask you join me in praying for no additional allergies. These are just a few pictures from around Mother's day and just general life at our house. We take many "rides" and swing for hours per Asher's requests. He loves to play with his cousins and has a fit when they come over. "Boat...Pops" are his two favorite words and that my friends is music to my daddy's ears. Hope you enjoy the pics.

You ARE a great mom!

2013-05-10T12:39:00.000-07:00

If you've ever met Asher you know that he is so many different things in one. He's the all around package in this momma's eyes. He is loving, sweet, silly, fiesty, hyperactive, all boy, loves bugs, is obsessed with tractors and farm stuff, mischievous, loves to read, and even loves to snuggle. Although he is so many great things, I'm afraid his mischief is starting to outweigh his sweetness. He will look at me, say no, then hit at me. After hitting, or pinching, or biting he will hug your neck so tight. As soon as he does something wrong I say, "Asher...you need to tell momma' you're sorry." He immediately hugs my neck so tight. Somedays those are the only hugs I get. Not saying I'm urging him to be ugly but the hugs are much appreciated. Maybe there is something he knows he isn't supposed to do...for instance throw his food across the table. He'll give me a smirk and then throw it anyway. Oh me... I do spank him. Actually we spank him a lot. I know some of you are thinking, "Well maybe he needs timeout and spankings don't work." Oh no need to fear, we spank AND do time out girlfriend. We have entered the terrible twos I'm pretty sure. I've been reading up about it and some blogs actually call it the "Terrific Twos" now. Bahahaha...come on!!! Any momma' out there who has had a two year old and actually remembers how they REALLY were at two, instead of some fantasy you have convinced your brain to remember, knows what I'm talking about. I can't count how many times I stop myself before losing it and say "Oh Asher, I love you...I just love you!" That method helps to calm my nerves and I don't scream something at him. You all know I am more thankful for this silly hard headed little boy than most. I treasure the tantrums of "Mine, Mine!" and I adore the "No, momma" words that come from his mouth. However, I am human and I actually get frustrated with him from time to time. I used to feel guilty about letting myself get frustrated with him. I used to scold myself and say "Have you already forgotten the lessons Ian taught you?!?" Then I realized I am only human. I cannot help but to get frustrated at a tantrum or get frustrated when he shakes my lose powder all over the bathroom floor. The first time he unfolded all the towels in the linen closet while I took a shower I got very frustrated. Now I just laugh and am thankful he's being quite so I can get ready in peace. Some of you momma's know what I mean. Or maybe when he turns the faucet around on the bathtub and turns the water on so that it is filling our bathroom not bathtub up with water. Yep! He did that as I was trying to shower. Once he unloaded every q-tip from a 500 Q-tip box in his bedroom. When I say every one I mean EVERY one. Frustrated?!? Just a little but I know it's his mischief just oozing out. He tries his best to control it but sometimes there is just too much mischief in his blood and he has to misbehave. Most days I giggle at him, I hug him, and I say "Oh Asher, I love you...I just love you!" But sometimes, just like every mom in the history of the universe, I get frustrated. For a temporary minute I forget about the lessons Ian taught me and I get mad at Asher. I tell you this all to say...It's Mother's Day. Maybe you are feeling like an inadequate mom right now. Maybe you're feeling like your kids think you always say no or that you're always being mad at them. Maybe you think you're just not good enough and that you don't do everything you thought you would do as a mom. Just know that your kids don't think that. They remember the good times when we are happy, silly, and loving everything they do. They remember us taking care of them when they are sick and rocking them all night long. They remember us kissing their boo boos and making everything all better. They remember that we read them that favorite book one last time before bed and it makes their heart smile. They remember that we let them play outside for hours and that we PLAYED with them. They love us just as much as we love them. Be proud that you get to celebrate Mother's Day. Being a mom is the most precious job in the world. Take the time Sunday to be celebrated by those who appreciate you and let's take that day to celebrate our children. We are so blessed to have them! I remember the mother's days after Ian passed away when I didn't have Asher. The pain was almost unbearable. We still have a missing piece to our family puzzle so the hurt is still there and very real. However, now I get to celebrate mother's day with my silly almost two year old who can make me laugh in no time. I'm thankful for God's grace and mercy. He blessed us with Asher to help heal our pain when we didn't deserve His goodness. We will celebrate this day with one of our boys in our arms and one of our boys in our hearts. I'm just so thankful somebody calls me momma'... I hope you all have a wonderful mother's day and know that you are an AWESOME momma'!!!

YOU are the salt of the earth...

2013-05-01T11:54:00.002-07:00

"You are the salt of the earth. But if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled by men. You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven. " Matthew 5:13-16 Our church recently got a new pastor. He's not just any pastor either...he's AWESOME!!! He has started a class on Sunday nights and this Sunday Wae and I went. He spoke about us being the salt of the earth and the light of the world. There is a song on one of my contemporary Christian CD's that sings about this. I usually sing the song and love it but I never really take to heart the words, you know the true meaning of the song. After his class I can't sing the song without overflowing with emotion. It's talking about us...here and now. Not the just the disciples from the bible we read about but us!!! As Christians we are called to be the salt and light of the world. We are called to be examples. People should look at us and say "What is it about her/him that is so different? I want what she/he has!" We are to be different from the world and we are supposed to have different attitudes. Whoa! That one gets me... I realized I have not been the salt of the earth and the light of the world. Recently I have been a little on edge. My toes have been stepped on in regards to Asher and I have not been different from the world. I have not reacted the way a person who is setting a Christian example should act. I have acted just like a person living without Christ would act. I've been ugly, I've said hurtful things, I have let it consume my world, and I've been down right exhausted letting it rule my life. When brother Eddie was speaking I thought to myself that his lesson was for me! Brother Eddie described four uses for salt which applies to our Christian walk. It flavors, preserves, makes us thirsty, and works quietly. Are we doing that for our Lord and Savior? Are we being the flavor of Christ for our non believing friends? Are we preserving the world...are we ministering around us and being missionaries? Are we making others around us thirsty for what we have with Christ or are we turning them away from a personal relationship with Christ? (that one gets me!) And are we working quietly for the Lord by living a life that so resembles Christ that people see Him in us in our day to day life? After asking myself these questions I cannot answer yes to them all. I fail miserably every day...I continue to wallow in self pity, I gossip, I question God, I'm afraid to share Christ with friends and family who may not believe, people who really know me and see my day to day life know I COMPLAIN and I like it! I have to do better. We as Christians all have to do better because it is our command from God to be the salt of the earth and the light of the world. Let's pray for one another that we can do better! Brother Eddie asked us..."How many times does the world catch a taste of us and it's not Jesus they taste?" or we hear someone say..."I would have become a Christian if it wouldn't have been for all the Christians!" Wow... So you may be like me and be a stay at home mom. You may think you can't effect many people but in all reality we can. We take our kids to play dates, to the library, to the grocery store, etc. We can share our light every day as we are being moms and we have the most important job in the world in my opinion...we can share our light with our children! Asher is my world...I pray for him every day to grow up to be a man of God. To have such courage and strength that he takes a stand for Christ and is a life changer. He will not want to be that man of God if he has a momma who is not being the light of the world. Our children know the real us...they are with us 24/7. Be a Christian mom...be the mom who reads bible stories to your children, who prays with them at mealtime and before bed, set a Christian example, take your children to church, live out what it means to be a Christian, hug them, kiss them, and tell them you love them. Teach them to serve others and put their own needs below someone else's. We only get one chance at this thing called motherhood and it's something I don't want to mess up on. I hope you pray for me to be a good mom because I fail every day at something and have to try the next day to make it right. I encourage you to read Matthew 5 and let's all strive to be the salt of the earth and the light of the world. Let's try to win souls to Christ and make a difference!

Lord, what do I have that YOU can use?

2013-04-27T19:33:00.000-07:00

I know, I know..."Whoa, a post from Ian's Reason?!? Really?" I've been missing in action and I'm sorry for that. I have been a momma, a wife, and involved in many activities at church. I have been so blessed over the past 2 years that I have really just sat in amazement at the mighty works of God. And that's all I've done basically...I've sat and enjoyed those blessings all to myself and I haven't been sharing them. I vowed to God many years ago that I would be a willing vessel here to share about Him and His goodness in my life. I have failed Him miserably but I am going to try my best to start my ministry of sharing God's goodness through my blog again. In the past two years a lot of things have changed in my life. I have become a momma to our second child. He's our little miracle child who is so many things bottled up into one vivacious little body. He's loving AND silly, he's sweet AND feisty, he's smart AND a wild man, he's too many things for me to describe in a sentence. He has been my world, my heart, my life...Another thing has changed. A prayer of mine has been answered in a mighty way. My husband has become a MAN of God. He is the spiritual leader of our household now...he drags ME to church when I'd rather stay home, he prays with Asher and me, he's going on a mission trip to Brazil soon, and he makes me want to be a better Christian. I just can't even describe how good God is. Just know that my heart is full... At revival a couple of weeks ago our speaker asked us to pray, "Lord, what do I have that YOU can use?" I have really prayed this prayer. I have thought I'm just a mom Lord. What am I worth? I talk to Asher, I talk to my family and friends, I talk to the girls I workout with, I talk to people at church and that's about it. I don't do much Lord. I'm JUST a momma'...remember. What can YOU really use me for? Well, let me just tell you. God has answered and He has stepped on my toes. Isn't that always fun. He reminded me of my mission with Ian's caringbridge site and Ian's reason. He reminded me of how many lives were changed through Ian's life and my "ramblings" on the internet. He reminded me that I have NEVER been "just a momma'" I am a daughter of THE KING! He showed me through prayer and a gentle nudging of my heart that he can use me and that I have to be willing again. I can't keep enjoying God's goodness and keeping it to myself. It's time to share again. It's time to live again! So...without further ado I'm baaaacccckkkk!!!! I just hope I can keep it up. Please pray for me to be consistent. When I say Asher takes up all my time I'm not exaggerating. He never sits still, he doesn't watch TV, we read 356 books a day on average :), he LOVES to play outside for hours and hours and hours. It's time to be transparent again. It's been a long time for me living my new life of just Wae, Asher, and myself without sharing. It's been kind of nice to be honest. I've had a stirring in my soul though and sweet friends if you've ever had the stirring in your soul from the Holy Spirit you know like I do that until you submit to HIS plan and will for your life the restlessness will not go away. Me...I'm a mom to two boys. I will always be a mom to two boys. If you ask me how many kids I have my answer is 2 and I count it a blessing to share about my angel Ian as I also share about my silly Asher. Do I miss Ian? Well absolutely. There is not a single day that I don't miss my sweet child in my arms. However, I have to daily make the choice in life of happiness instead of wallowing in my pain. Some days the choice is easier than other days. I'm a stay at home mom to Asher and I LOVE every second of it. I wouldn't trade my days at home for anything in the world. We have "mommy school" during our days at home and we work on little lessons I make and yes I am that dorky of a momma'. We go to the library for story time once a week, we play in the mud with our dog Miley, we ride the golf cart thing a mig outside, we swing, and we enjoy just being plain ole' normal! Is Asher rotten? Absolutely! I wouldn't trade this spoiling for anything...he's only little once and I learned that the hard way. I will not forget the lessons Ian taught me. Asher knows he has a brother in heaven. He will say "Bubba" and point to Heaven and say "Jesus" We have talked to Asher about his bubba from day one and we will forever nourish that relationship between him and his big brother. I am also a wife as part of my job at home...I try my best. Wae might say different. We don't always have a hot meal or a clean house but I try. All I know is...we have a happy home and that's a blessing in and of itself. I am able to do a lot of things for our church and I so enjoy doing that. I work with the nursery ministry at our church and it lets me be with the children some since I don't teach anymore. I was helping with the two year olds but quickly learned that's not really my calling in life. :) I do carve out a little bit of time for myself and I workout with some great friends a couple of mornings a week. It's such a stress reliever for me. I also enjoy running now and I never thought I'd be one of those people. Hahaha... I'm trying to take up the fine art of growing flowers since Asher and I are outside so often. So far so good...they've been planted two weeks and they are still alive. Woohoo!!! That's unheard of at our house. I have been giving them a lot of TLC though. In the past two months I have been a friend...a friend to someone dear to my heart who I cherish more than life itself. Someone who understands my every thought and worry...someone who now understands what it means to bury their child. My sweet friends Gregg and Tracey Thomas had to endure the same dreadful loss as us when Jackson lost the battle to RCDP in February. I was blessed to be with Tracey during this time and I wouldn't have been anywhere else. I know many of you remember Jackson and I tell you this to ask you to pray for Gregg, Tracey, and Taylor as they are simply crushed as they mourn the loss of Jack Jack. We are still working with Rhizo Kids and the doctors and we will find a way to help the other children with RCDP. Our boys lives were not for nothing!!! Well that's a little bit about us now. Just to cram in two years of me being missing. It's not all that's happened but it's the best summary I got. I say all this to you to tell you God can use you too. No matter what your occupation is or what your story in life is God can use you. Please pray and ask God to reveal to you what He can do with you. If he can use me, he can use you! I will be back next week...I promise!

Is this real?!?

2012-10-08T19:08:00.001-07:00

I am sitting in the bed with my two boys...Wae and Asher. They are asleep and momma can't calm her nerves. It's THE DAY I dread all year...October 9th. The day my first born went Home to Jesus...the day my heart was ripped from my chest...the day when all went wrong in the world...the day my very full arms were all of a sudden very empty. The day no mother should ever endure. The worst day of my life! I have relived THE DAY about three billion times over the past three years but when THE DAY is here I relive it even more. I remember Ian's special Nurse Kelly who was so gentle and smart. She knew he was leaving us and so delicately told us to prepare. Little did we know it would be within a few short hours. What a God-send she was! I remember our sweet therapist Kim coming and visiting with a frosty and Ian waking up for the first time in days to see her and eat his frosty. Oh how he loved his Ms.Kim! I remember four grandparents who loved their grandchild with all of their being...I remember making them tell him their good-byes the night before he died! I remember the heart wrenching emotions. I remember our friends...they visited, they called, they cried, they prepared a funeral for their friend's child, and they never left us through all the craziness. Our parents still love us even though we've made some big mistakes and probably said a lot of hurtful things. Our pain is so deep...it's unbelievable! We're sorry if we've hurt anyone...there isn't a book "How to bury your child and survive for dummies" I've been asked so many times..."How do you do it? How do you live without Ian?" I know people think this is cheesy but I tell you this from the bottom of my heart. I make it without Ian because my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ gives me new strength every day to survive one more day without Ian. I could not do this on my own strength. I am a weak momma whose child is not in her arms anymore. If I relied on my own strength to survive this loss I would probably be in the crazy house or suicidal. BUT...that's not me. I wake up each day with new hope because I know He will supply all my needs. When I'm down He sends something my way that cheers me up. It's amazing!!! Today my weak momma self wants to be sad and only focus on the negative. I want to have a pity party and cry all day. I want to sit down and scream WHY and be mean to anybody and everybody that says something wrong to me. Whew...aren't y'all glad I'm not my self!?! I am made new in Christ's image because I am saved by grace. So today through Him I am choosing to focus on the good. Three years ago today Ian was healed and made whole. He was given a new body. A body with no stippling, no cataracts, no contractures, no dislocated hips, no dwarfism, NO PAIN, no deafness, no blindness, no mental deficiencies, no heart problems, no medicine, no hernias, no oxygen, no hospice!!! He was given LIFE...Our sweet boy is singing right now at the feet of Jesus. What a glorious sight that must be. He is raising those hands and running with the energy of a vivacious 5 year old. I picture it...he looks like Asher and has as much energy as little brother has. This makes my heart smile through all the tears. You see when you have Christ as your Lord and Savior you have the hope of Heaven. And that my friend...is how I get through life without Ian. I know when I am called Home I will stand at the Pearly Gates and I will see my maker. I will rejoice that I have been called home and hope to hear "Well done my good and faithful servant!" I will hug Jesus and He will say..."Sweet Mary there is someone very special waiting to see you." And at that moment in time my little boy will run in to my arms and all will be made perfect! So for the time being I focus on what our interim pastor Brother Bob said a lot..."You better be well doing here to hear "Well done" when you get to Heaven." I am going to choose to "well do" today and make my Heavenly Father proud instead of living in depression. I am going to strive to win souls for Christ and live a life of purpose. Why don't you join me and let's change the world?!? Love to you all and we greatly appreciate your prayers today and every day as we try to live this life without Ian...

New Team Ian Shirts!!!

2012-04-24T13:08:00.001-07:00

I am selling NEW TEAM IAN SHIRTS!!! It's been quite awhile since I've done this but we need to raise some money for our conference in June. Actually we need to raise A LOT of money for our conference in June. We have 78 people who are going to be there...WHOA!!! We have 14 Rhizo Kids going to be there. WHOA!! We have never had a conference this big. People are literally flying in from all around the world folks!!! Can you hear the excitement in my voice?!? I am pumped. I think back to that first conference Tracey Thomas and I put on at St.Vincent's hospital. There were just five families there. Now we have a large group. I am amazed where our Rhizo Kids group has grown to. What a blessing. So...let's sell some shirts. If you want to sell shirts for me go right ahead. Just print out a picture of the shirts get the sizes and what they want and get the money ahead of time. The shirts are $15 each and if you get XXL or XXXL they are $17 each. If you want me to ship you a shirt I most definitely will. That cost $5 a shirt. There are four shirts. BUT don't be fooled. Three of them have the EXACT same back. I am repeating myself...three of the shirts have the exact same back. :) The first purple shirt is a "Rhizo Kids" shirt. It says..."RCDP picked the wrong kid" on the back. The black shirt is a "Rhizo Kids" shirt with a hand instead of the rainbow on the front and it says..."RCDP picked the wrong kid" on the back too. It's just black with a hand on the front instead of a rainbow. More manly we thought :) The green shirt is a "Rhizo Kids" shirt. The other purple shirt is....A TEAM IAN SHIRT!!! It says "team ian" on the front and on the back it says the same as the first two "RCDP picked the wrong kid" If you sell these shirts this is how I did mine. I have a sheet for: 1. Purple Rhizo Kid shirt 2. Black Rhizo Kid shirt 3. Green Rhizo Kid shirt 4. PURPLE TEAM IAN SHIRT Thanks in advance for helping us out on this. We need about $20,000 to cover the expenses of this conference :) Every little bit we can contribute helps. I love you guys for continuing to support Ian's fight even though he's with Jesus healed and whole. He may be gone...but he will never be forgotten. Thanks friends.... If you want a shirt please email me at maryellis96@yahoo.com. I won't get your order if you respond to this email or post on here. You need to email me. Thanks!!!

Perspective...

2012-04-22T01:38:00.005-07:00

Asher starting getting sick on Monday. His classic clear snotty nose and coughing which is always accompanied by an ear infection. He didn't sleep at all Monday night so I thought I'd just go ahead and take him to the doctor on Tuesday morning. Well, to my surprise he did not have an ear infection but he did have RSV. I was familiar with RSV because during the fall and spring months of Ian's life we had to get those synagis shots which were $1000 (paid by insurance don't fret) to insure that sweet Ian didn't come down with RSV. If Ian would have gotten RSV it would have meant hospitalization and quite possibly the end of Ian's life. Therefore, Asher having RSV is just not really that big of a deal, right? I think so!

Ok...it's not that big of a deal. It's not life or death but it has been a rough week around the Ellis house. Asher has cried around the clock for 24 hours since Monday. He has pulled at his ears, fought the breathing treatments, spit out his cough medicine, spit out his zyrtec, grabbed the medicine syringe out of my hand and thrown it (LOL), and just been a sick little boy. Friday we went back to the doctor and what do you know...he had an ear infection. I am not going to lie...it has gotten to me. It has worn me down and I have "fretted" over things I "preached" about not fretting over. Wae and I continually say "Ian wasn't like this. He was such a sweet sick baby." :) I get it now though...he couldn't reach up and throw the medicine syringe out of hand because that was impossible for him. I know now that he wanted to though. He couldn't pull at his ears to tell me they hurt...that too was impossible. He didn't spit out his medicine because that poor baby had so much medicine poked into him every couple of hours that he probably thought there was no other way in life. He couldn't cry 24/7 because he felt bad because he physically didn't have the energy for that. Instead he would sleep around the clock when he was sick. So yes...we have experienced something new with a sick baby Asher.

During the middle of this the newest Rhizo Kid (just weeks old) has had some major complications with her intestines. She has had multiple surgeries and the doctors haven't had a good prognosis for this sweet family. Her mom posted some pictures on facebook of her attached to many, many machines with multiple tubes coming from her precious little body. Here I am fretting because I have a fussy baby. I am complaining because he won't take his medicine good and I have the nerve to say "I'm tired!" (insert whiney voice here) How did I so quickly lose my perspective in life that Ian taught me? How did I so quickly slide back into the this mode of thinking that life with Asher is hard. Life with Ian was hard...life for this Rhizo family whose child is living on the ventilator is hard....life with your child on a feeding tube is hard.....life with worrying 24/7 about your child catching an illness that might kill them is hard....life full of therapies for your child is hard.....

I am ashamed of myself! God blessed us...he showed mercy on us. We had such a great life with Ian. He wasn't a sick Rhizo Kid and he didn't require a feeding tube. God granted us the best of that situation. Then HE decided to continue to bless us. He gave us our genetic miracle which meant we could have healthy children. He then blessed us with Asher. He not only blessed us with Asher He blessed us with Wae an amazing job that provides for our family so I could stay home with Asher. (My all time dream of a lifetime was to be a stay at home mom) And what have I done?!? I have complained because my baby is sick and fussy...he has a stinking cold!!!! Don't you know God is watching me saying "She has already forgotten the lessons you taught her Ian." Not only is God ashamed of me but Ian would be as well. Forgive me God...I lost my perspective and I am ashamed. You have blessed our family. Yes..it's 4:00 in the morning and I am up but this will all be over next week. The life of a Rhizo mom is like this as long as her child is alive. And I have complained?!?

Please pray for the Guenther family in Canada. Their daughter is Megan and she is really very sick. We consider this family friends. They come to our conference every year and they are such an amazing family with an amazing faith in God. I know He has a plan here and I know they believe in His plan. I pray they feel God carrying them during these unbelievably hard times.

Perspective...I sure hope this doesn't happen again but the reality is that I know it will. I will get bogged down in the things that don't matter and I will let them stress me out. Whew...hard life lesson!!!

Asher is starting to feel better tonight I think. He is actually sleeping but I'm not. Go figure :) He and Wae are all snuggled up in the bed together and I'm on the couch watching "Three's Company." As I laid there for the past two hours looking at them I couldn't help but to think about how blessed I am. I have a wonderful husband and a precious 7 month old baby boy all snuggled up together. Life is good and God has blessed us far beyond our dreams. Now I'm going to join them and at least cuddle for the rest of the night if I sleep or not. This is my favorite time of the day.

I included some pics from Easter. It was a perfect day!!!!

Gratitude journal full of happy moments...

2012-04-07T07:53:00.003-07:00

When I used to update caringbridge for Ian I talked one day about happy moments and a gratitude journal. I have read through my CB book and found that entry because recently I stumbled upon my gratitude journal and was so happy to remember these happy moments I had recorded. I wanted to read what my thoughts were then on recording "happy moments." I said that day..." Now I realize that if I write down my daily "happy moments" it is refreshing to read back over them. It helps me to focus on the good in each day instead of the bad moments of each day. It makes me appreciate life and all of my blessings each day." Wow...I can't believe this was my focus as I was watching Ian suffer. If you don't believe in God right there is evidence to me that He is real. He was living through me and showing me how to be positive and as I read back over these happy moments it is clear that He was at the center of it all!!!

Some happy moments I recorded during Ian's life...
1. "Feeling" Ian say I love you today
2. The mommy Ian has taught me to be
3. My happy moment today was Ian's sweet cheeks, his crazy hair, his two snaggle teeth, his crossed legs b/c that's just Ian, his glare at me, his love for swinging outside
4. I am happy Ian let me have a quiet time with God today and he let me exercise :)
5. I am happy today because Wae got Ian a puppy Miley (ummm...this may have turned into a nightmare LOL)
6. My happy moments today is the best in forever...Wae and I got our genetic testing results back. We don't both carry RCDP and we can have healthy children!!!
7. My happy moment today was BIG...Ian's superman party. (this turned out to be his last big birthday party)
8. My happy moment tonight is that Ian is breathing right now in his bed beside our bed.
9. Almost every day a happy moment was to be thankful for both sets of grandparents who loved Ian and helped all they could. Couldn't have asked for two better sets of grandparents.

And then I read on through the days after Ian passed away. I was still recording happy moments. How could that be?!? Because God never let me fall out of the palm of His hand. He carried me the whole way through the grieving process and still helped me to find happy moments in the midst of the storm.
Some happy moments I recorded after Ian's life...
1. I am happy today because Amanda and Deanna asked me to help with pottery. I have something to do now!!!
2. Happiness today came in the form of Ella Kathryn. I got to get her from daycare and come home and play.
3. A smile came to my face today when I understood that Ian is really healed now and is in his Heavenly Father's arms.

And happy moments now?!? There are so many I don't think my gratitude journal could hold them all. God's grace is so abundant in our lives. He chose to bless us beyond all our wildest dreams. We aren't worthy...we questioned Him at times, we ran from Him at times, we chose to turn our backs on somedays. But do you know what he did. He held us tighter and He never gave up on us. He showed mercy on us and blessed us beyond belief.

Some happy moments from life now...
1. My salvation....tomorrow is Easter and all I can think about is that Christ willingly suffered and died on the cross for me. My sins are forgiven and I have been set free. Thank you Jesus for saving me, for loving me, and for not giving up on me!!!
2. ASHER!!!!!!!!! He can sit up, he can smile, he can laugh, he can see a puff on the table pick that puff up and feed himself that puff!!!! He dances when I walk into the room. He reaches for me to hold him. He loves his daddy!!! He can hold a sippy cup. He's smart as a whip. His legs aren't crossed because of RCDP. He can hear me, see me, touch me. He wraps his arms around my neck. He has a fake laugh...hilarious. He squinches up his nose...precious! He fiddles with my hair to go to sleep sometimes. He sleeps snuggled with me because he loves me so. He can sit up in the bathtub. He plays in the bathtub. We HAVE to buy bath toys. We HAVE to babyproof the house. He loves to shop. He loves the nursery at church. He loves everybody (except some men LOL) He watches me walk through a room then cries when he can't see me (hehehehe) He rolls everywhere. He won't be still enough for me to change his diaper. The list goes on and on and on.
3. I am thankful for Wae. He works so hard so I can stay home with Asher. He is such a good daddy and Asher is obsessed with him.
4. I am happy all day every day because I'm not having to go to work at 6:30 am. I am able to be home with Asher and I know that's where I'm supposed to be.

There's just so much y'all. We have the best families you could ever imagine. Grandparents who love Asher with all their hearts. They beg to keep him and always want me to have something to do so they can see him. Aunts and uncles and cousins galore with love oozing out of the seams. Friends...they've watched us hurt as their kids grew up without Asher. They didn't leave us as friends when it would have been easier than seeing heartbreak on our faces. They stuck around and loved us and now they too are obsessed with Asher. It's wonderful. This REALLY is a wonderful life!!!!
So today my challenge to you is to stop...take a look around....and find your happy moments. I know your life is full of them too. Let's quit focusing on what's not so happy and try to focus on what is so happy. Try writing it down every day. I promise it will be a blessing to you when you go back through the different stages of your life and see what you were happy for. It does my heart good that even during the tough times God saw fit to help me find some happy moments each day.

If you don't have a church to attend tomorrow for Easter please come visit First Baptist Church in Centre. We would love to have you...I promise!!! We have an early service at 8:30 and regular service at 11:00. We have great Sunday School classes and I"m sure there is one there for you. I hope to see you there!!!!

A day in the life of Asher...

2012-04-05T13:24:00.003-07:00

I tell y'all all the time how happy I am. I tell y'all all the time how precious we think Asher is and about all the fun we have. I thought I'd just share some of our fun with you. :)

This picture is from Asher's first trip away from home. We went with Wae to Memphis and Asher was an angel. He's so good about going places and isn't fussy at all. One of the many reasons I love him :)

This picture is Asher's first time to eat off the table. Wae's sister Andrea has been so mad at me (sorry Andrea ) because I haven't fed Asher from the table. So...I made him some mashed potatoes and he was not really impressed. This is what he did the entire time. We were laughing so hard we almost cried. Another reason we love him so...his personality is to die for.

This picture is from the first time we took Asher to the lake. He played on his beach towel, in his baby pool, and even took naps in his stroller. He was so versatile and never fussed. Was just happy to be with his mommy and daddy. Yet another reason we think he's perfect. :)

There just really aren't any words to describe the happiness from this day. Our family had such a good time being truly happy. I told Wae I never knew life could be this good.

This is how Asher sleeps. In the bed with us. Last night he melted my heart into a big ole' puddle. He likes to spoon to cuddle. We are snuggled as tight as possible. He rolled over onto his belly about 2 am. I felt him roll over so I woke up. I was looking at him and he then put his arm around me and slept with his arm on my back. Could there be anything more precious in this life?!? I think not!!! This boy loves his momma and this momma loves her boy!!!

Wae's parents bought Asher his first playset for his 6th month birthday. He loves to go outside and swing on it. He is obsessed with being outside. If he ever is fussy I just take him outside and play and he gets as happy as can be. You guessed it...another reason I am completely in love with him. Could he be any more perfect?!? I think not :) So happy for God's blessings.

I'm sorry if I'm obnoxiously happy. I just remember where I was 4 1/2 years ago. I remember watching my little boy who couldn't grow, who couldn't move, and who couldn't enjoy the life I had planned. I enjoyed him. Every second of him and I tried my hardest to learn what God wanted to teach me. I think we learned and now we are able to enjoy His blessings of Asher because of Ian. I thank God every day for my blessing of Ian because without him I'd be that mom who didn't know to appreciate the fact that my baby can roll away EVERY time I try to change his diaper. I'd be that mom who was annoyed because her little boy had all his toys out in the living room. I'd be that mom who was too busy cleaning my house on Sunday to go spend the day at the lake with Wae and Asher. Ian Ellis taught me so many lessons I needed to learn and I'm so grateful God chose me to be his mommy.

Have a great Easter. Don't clean...don't rush...just enjoy the day. Remember the reason!!!! Celebrate Christ...go to church...appreciate the fact that He died and rose again for us. He died on the cross for our sins!!! Try thanking Him for what He did for us. It's really pretty amazing if you just think about it.

Don't ask why but for what purpose...

2012-04-02T18:11:00.000-07:00

Recently I have been reliving the first days with Ian. I have been emailing back and forth with a family who has a new baby with RCDP. The reason I started Rhizo Kids was so that no other family would ever have to face the diagnosis alone again. I try to remember the emotions I had those first days, weeks, and months. I want to only encourage and be a positive friend when in the midst of your diagnosis you are being given such negative perceptions about your new baby.

While doing this today I have dug out some of my favorite books. My number one book through Ian's life was "Holding on to Hope" This mother lived a story much like ours. It's been awhile since I read the entire book but I'm pretty sure she lost two children. It's very touching and about the story of Job in the bible.

I read this book over and over and over when Ian was alive. When I opened the book today I had written in the front cover "Your question should not be why but for what purpose?" I wrote that simple statement when I was a young mother at the age of 24 years old knowing I was going to inevitably lose my first born child. Now that I have Asher and I look back at the things I wrote in this book I am amazed. It's like another lifetime ago...I am sitting in the bed tonight with my perfectly healthy Asher laying beside me asleep. As I watch his chest rise and fall as he breathes I am once again brought to tears at the thought of God's greatness and mercy. This baby beside me is asleep with his hands raised above his head and all I can do is cry out of thankfulness for their precious arms. Thank you God!!!

Isn't the grace of God so much bigger than our simple human minds can grasp?!? Wow...he gave me such peace, love, joy, understanding, and happiness through such a hard time. Yes some days I was down right miserable. Yes some days the devil snuck in and stole my joy. BUT...for the most part I was being held in the palm of my Father's hand and he led me through the greatest days of my life that some people can only view as the hardest days of my life. Ian was one of my greatest blessings in life and I will forever be grateful that I am his mommy.

I did ask why and I asked it a lot. However, I strongly feel that I focused more on "for what purpose" than why??? For what purpose God does my first and only child have a fatal disorder? What do you want of me? All I have ever wanted is to honor God through the life and death of my precious child. I want people to see that yes God has blessed me in this life on earth. Through the blessings I have praised God. BUT...I have also experienced trials that were so hard I could barely crawl out of the bed some days. And through those hard days I have praised God.

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18
"Always be joyful. Keep on praying. No matter what happens, always be thankful, for this is God's will for you who belong to Christ Jesus."
"Holding on to Hope" says "You and I, like Job, know that God gives and God takes away. And when he takes away, if we're able to focus on the joy of what was given, if only for a time, we take another step down the pathway toward the heart of God. "

You see God gave our family a miracle in Ian. A miracle who was a life changer. I can't tell you how many people have told me they were saved because of Ian's life. Or how many people told me they were better parents because of Ian Ellis. I know I personally leave my house a wreck and do what Asher and Wae want me to do because Ian taught me that family matters...the here and now matters because we aren't promised tomorrow. This was the purpose for our trial...to be a willing vessel for God to use. I want to glorify God and I want to make him proud!!! Have you ever thought about that?!? Are you making God proud? Whoa...that one scares me!!!!

Asher...IS A MESS!!! He's a handsome and lovable mess but he's a big ole' mess. He can sit up like a pro now and he is trying his best to crawl. He reaches for me non-stop and it melts my heart. He dances up and down when someone comes in he knows. If he's just sitting by you playing he'll reach over and hug you for no reason. Agh...that melts me!!! He smiles all day long. He loves it outside. He can sit up in his bathtub by himself now and play with rubber duckies. Yes...I cried the first time he did it. It amazes me. He sees the rubber duck he wants, he reaches and gets it, and puts that duck in his mouth. Amazes me every time!!! What a blessing! He sleeps in the bed with us. (Remember...the Bible says not to judge) Bahahaha...I know you're judging us right now :) He cuddles to go to sleep and he cuddles with me all night long. He loves to hold onto my face to sleep. He's a mama's boy and I'm an Asher girl. He has my heart in the palm of his hand and I am totally and completely in love with this little boy. There is nothing else in this whole wide world I could want. He looks at me and smiles that smile and I know that all is right in this world. I am amazed by God every day as I watch this baby boy grow up. He is our blessing and miracle from God and for that I will forever be grateful.

But what about my child?!?

2012-03-21T18:47:00.002-07:00

I knew the day would come when Wae and I would watch the children Ian's age start getting involved in activities. I just didn't realize it would come so soon. I never know when it is going to hit me in the heart when they are doing new things but lately my heart has been a punching bag it seems. As I ride by the baseball fields somedays the tears just flow...I know the boys who were supposed to be in Ian's grade at school are starting to play ball this year for the first time. But wait...my little boy isn't out there too?!? How did that happen??? Oh yeah...he had RCDP and got robbed of the fun here with me and his daddy. The whole playing ball thing is one of the hardest for me to stomach. I don't know why but it just tears me up!

Before Ian was even born I put that sweet baby on the waiting list at the Early Learning Center in Centre so that when he was four years old he could start "school" The drawing was this week for which kids got into the school. All the moms went to hear if their kids got in or either they had someone listening for their sweet child's name. We can't do that either because our four year old is with Jesus...I never got to teach our sweet Ian his ABC's or how to count. I won't get to watch him go through the school programs this year with his sweet friends. How did this happen? What happened to all my dreams for my sweet boy?!? Oh yeah...RCDP again!!!

I try to focus on the good. I try to remain positive. I want to be upbeat but sometimes just sometimes I can't help but to have a hurting heart. I just miss that boy!!! I miss the Ian I dreamed of who was healthy and more importantly I miss the Ian I had who gave me so much in life. That sweet child of ours taught me so many lessons through his short life and for that I am grateful. I just can't help to grieve the child "I" had planned on for so many years. The child "I" had plans for with my friends who were having kids at the same time. The child"I" wanted so badly. I also can't help to grieve that child that God gave me...the one with so many special needs who was able to love me by snuggling and kissing. The one who couldn't hug my neck or tell me he loved me the normal way but was able to smile that smile and wipe away all my tears. He was so sweet...I miss him.

BUT because of that precious life changing Ian I enjoy Asher more than I ever would have. I take the time to swing outside with him when my house is a disaster. I go to bed with dirty bottles in the sink just so I can snuggle him to sleep. I stay in the bed longer in the mornings so he wakes up to my face and I can see him smile so big because he's laying with his mommy. I roll around in the floor acting a fool just to hear those giggles. I stroll him outside for hours because he loves it and I forget about the list of chores I have. I love him because of his big brother! I don't even think "I love him" gives justice to the way I feel about Asher. He makes me giddy...he makes my heart sing on those days when I see the boys playing baseball without Ian...he makes me laugh so hard I cry. He pulls my hair and I think it's precious because he CAN do it. I just love him....I love him....I love him so much it hurts :)

Enjoy the baseball games you are experiencing and all the hours of practice because the child you always dreamed of you got. Enjoy the homework (or try your best) because it means you have that child you dreamed of who can learn. God chose to bless you, just like he did us, with a healthy child so let's try to honor Him by doing the best job we can with the children he loaned us. What an awesome God we serve!!! I am humbled every day by his mercies....

From the outside looking in...

2012-03-06T18:44:00.003-08:00

Wae and I took Asher to Memphis this past weekend. Asher was supposed to stay with my parents but my mom has been sick so he just tagged along with us. When we got into our room Wae was looking out the window. He said to me "Aren't you glad we're here instead of there this weekend?" I looked out the window to see a children's hospital. Wow...what a different perspective we have now.

From the outside of that hospital I was watching the cars go to and from and I was remembering what all I saw there. I remembered the innocent children who were suffering from Cancer, the ones who were so sick they couldn't respond, and the ones with genetic disorders who had so many problems to deal with. I remembered the hurting I had in my heart every time I went to Children's Hospital. I remembered the times Ian had surgeries there, the many doctor's visits, and those hard days of "sticking" him trying to draw blood. Oh the heartache!

From the outside looking in I was so saddened for the families who were having to experience those hard days at the hospital. Asher loved looking out the window at the cars riding by therefore I spent a lot of time looking at the hospital. I spent a lot of time praying for those families who were there. I don't know one person who was in that hospital but I do know the pain that goes along with that place. If I was awake with Asher at 3 am I prayed for those families whom I didn't know. I cried for those families whose hearts were hurting and I just felt so truly sad for them. That made me think...people were sad for me and people prayed for me. I now have a full heart that is overflowing with joy because of those prayers. I now have so much happiness that I can't contain it and it is because my Heavenly Father granted me my prayer....a healthy child.

So...I say this to you to thank you for praying for us. Thank you for being an instrumental part in our lives and thank you for not forgetting us. We once were the people in that hospital. The people who went to bed every night with a tear stained pillow. Now because of answered prayers we are experiencing a life I never knew could exist. A perfect life full of happiness.

I thank God so many times every day for these answered prayers. I then get so caught up in the fact that thank you isn't enough. I can't thank Him enough for what He's done. I can serve him though and try to bring other's to know Christ to show my thanks. So...that's what I'm doing. I'm serving my Savior by being involved in church more and trying to let my light shine so other's will want to know Him in the way I do. Life with Christ is so fulfilling and I'm so grateful for His many blessings.

Please join me in prayer tonight for those families at Children's Hospital.I know we don't know them but I can assure you they need all the prayers we can offer. My dad always said growing up..."But for the grace of God that would be us."

Asher news...he's still perfect in our eyes. A little spoiled yes but doesn't that just mean he's well loved?!? He is sitting up on his own now and plays with so many toys. He reaches for his favorites and falls a million times a day on his face. I'm thinking he earned his first black eye yesterday from falling. We'll see soon enough. He has learned to squeal like a little girl and it's soooo loud. Wish he'd stop that trick LOL. He can make that sound with his lips by pressing them together and blow bubbles everywhere. He is drooling like crazy and I am almost certain a tooth is about to pop through. He likes to sleep with us ( I know everyone has their own opinion here but this is what works best for us) He likes to have his hands on my face to sleep sometimes, sometimes he just wants to hold my hand and sometimes he just wants to snuggle. It's precious and it makes my heart happy. When he's 16 and on a date I'm sure I won't regret the sleepless nights I had with him holding my hand. Those will be my fondest memories for sure!!! I tell myself I am creating a mother/son bond that's so strong he'll love me as much as my daddy loves his mama. He's my joy!!! He said mama last week for the first time :) YAY...he has said it a few more times and three different people have witnessed it so it's real!!! Once again...my heart is smiling. He smiles, he giggles, he cries, he squeals, he doesn't sleep much, he is eating us out of house and home, he has no clothes that fit, he splashes in his bath water, he goes nuts when his daddy comes home, he hugs and kisses me a lot, and HE IS NORMAL!!! I love it!!! Once again...going to bed with a big ole' smile on my face and a prayer of thanksgiving for answered prayers.

Discover your Joy...

2012-02-16T17:35:00.010-08:00

I am doing a new bible study. Beth Moore has out a new study about James. We are just now in session three and last night she simply spoke to my heart. I have said so many times...."I can't explain it. I have went through one of the worst tragedies a mother could ever experience. I have buried my child...I have a hole in my heart where he took a huge piece of me but somehow I'm happy. Somehow I have joy in my life." These words were even spoken during the life of Ian, during the death of Ian, and during the grieving of Ian. I myself have always known it was MY GOD who was giving me the joy. However, I didn't know bible verses to back up my thoughts and I didn't know exactly how to express what God was doing for me. I knew it was him though...I knew it. You know that peace that passes all understanding. The peace and contentment that only He can bring during the storm.

I now have verses...I now have my new motto. Psalm 30:11-12 says "You turned my wailing into dancing;you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing to you and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever." Wow...He did this for me. For undeserving little ole' me. The girl who questioned "Why?" so many times. The girl who spent days without even talking to Him. He turned my nights of tears into dancing! I now am so happy that I seriously cannot contain it somedays. Sackcloth referred to clothes worn as a sign of mourning. In my eyes I can see the XL jogging pants and XL sweatshirt I wore all day every day....he turned all that depression, all that sadness, all those tears into JOY!!! I have joy...if you don't have it you should find God! He gives you joy...and it's an indescribable joy!

I can't stop at that verse...I'm sorry. She got me this week! John 16: 20-24 says "I tell you the truth, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. (THIS WAS THE HARDEST PART TO ME...HOW COULD THE WORLD GO ON?!? I LOST MY BABY BOY!!!) You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy (WHOA!!! JOY...MY SWEET ASHER WHOM I LOVE SO DEARLY BECAUSE OF MY SWEET IAN!) A woman giving birth to a child has pain because her time has come; but when her baby is born she forgets the anguish because of her joy that a child is born into the world. So with you; Now is your time of your grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy. Oh me...grief turns to joy!

She then read from one of my favorite books written by a mom whose baby girl now lives with Jesus. She read from the book and I couldn't hold back the tears. This mom gets it. She knows how it feels to lose a child...how it feels to bury a child...how it feels to lose that piece of your heart. She described a moment in time like this "Grief and joy danced together as if they had a right to." You see...after listening to these verses grief and joy coexist if you trust God with your anguish. I did trust God...I gave him every worry. And do you know what He did for me?!? He gave me JOY!!! He far surpassed what I thought he would do. I can't describe the joy we now have in our lives. But I know can show you in the bible that God gave me my joy out of our anguish and grief. I write this to say...if you are in anguish over something hand it to God because Joy and Anguish coexist and HE will take care of you!!!

Now my sweet and precious Asher....he's a mess! He is rolling now. (PRECIOUS!) He wants to stand up all the time. He'll sit then nope he wants to stand. He is almost sitting up on his own and he has a personality to die for. He knows he's loved, he knows he's cute, and he definitely knows he's the center of attention. He smiles all the time and it's not just with his lips. His whole body smiles and melts everyone's heart. He is a nosy booger and doesn't let anything get by him. He talks a lot! He loves to play in his walker and he can play with toys. For real...he likes to play. He has learned to blow bubbles and can do that indian call :) when I pat my hand on his mouth. He gives me and hugs and kisses when I say love mama and he's my JOY! Jesus said...he would turn my anguish into joy and that He did. If you don't know Him I suggest you start reading the bible and discovering how awesome he really is!!! Without Him in my life I would be the mom who lost her child who was still depressed, sleeping all day and missing out on all the miracles in my life. Don't be that person!!! Discover your joy...

Feeling extra blessed today...

2012-01-03T12:09:00.000-08:00

I woke up with happy tears this morning. Today was supposed to be my first day back at work. However, I am taking an educational leave this semester. This means I will start working on a new degree AND I will be able to stay at home with my sweet Asher. I have dreaded January 3rd for months now because I just couldn't bare the thought of leaving my sweet baby boy. It was a bit sad to not go back to visit with teacher friends and I seriously miss the days with my fun 1st graders but I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am where I am supposed to be today. I am home with my funny and happy little man. We have read books together today, we have played in his new jumparoo, we have practiced sitting up, we have practiced standing up, we have sang a song about his body parts, we have sang the ABC's, we have practiced rolling over, we have played with his funny dancing puppy, we have kissed and hugged, and we have rocked and loved each other. Now that's my kind of day!!!

Asher...he is seriously funny! He talks to himself all the time. He talks to the ceiling fan and he talks to his dancing puppy from Ella Kathryn and Cohen. He stares at himself in his mirror from Colin and Ellisan and he just laughs. He has learned to roll over and of course I am a proud mommy. He is fairly good at rolling from tummy to back but has only rolled from back to tummy once. He loves to stand up and never wants to sit down. He loves bathtime but has recently learned how to jump out of his seat. Funny to him but not so much to mommy. I have to quickly give this fella' a bath and not my head for one second. Otherwise he'll be under the water. :) Glad to be having to learn about these new things. He pulls things off the table when he eat and makes a mess. It's funny to me. I have to learn to put things out of his reach. He has a personality already and it is PRECIOUS!!! He is a sweet sweet boy and so lovable. He is inquisitive and loves to know about everything going on around him. He will play by himself and be so happy but he equally loves you to be involved as well. He has outgrown all 3 month clothes and is already in 3-6 and some 6-9. I am running out of clothes believe it or not!!! His sleepers are about all to small because his feel are just too big. His sleeping is much better waking just once a night for a bottle. He quickly downs it and goes right back to sleep in his pack and play.

I am an adoring mom...I adore his eyes. They are so blue with so much love showing through them. I adore his smile...it is flirty, quirky, funny, sweet, silly, and loving. I adore his strength...He is a strong fella' who insists on standing and is striving to learn to do new things each day. I adore his loving spirit...don't know if he'll always be loving but for now he loves his mommy and I LOVE that!!! I adore his dimples...they melt my heart. I adore him! Every square inch of him inside and out.

I would say now you know why I feel a little extra blessed today. We all have so much to be thankful for and it's so easy to forget about being thankful. It's so easy to just know it's ours and go on with life not being thankful. I do it I know. However, today as I thought about getting up and rushing out the door to go to work and dropping Asher off with someone else to care for him I couldn't help but to cry happy and thankful tears. For the past four years a fav bible verse of mine has been Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." It was hard for me to recite this verse four years ago and truly believe it. But I knew I just knew God had plans. I can see the plans today he had and I am grateful for every tear I had to cry in order to live out this plan. If it weren't for those tears and those hard days I wouldn't know to be so grateful. I think I get on Wae's nerves telling him how grateful I am LOL I praise God for the miracle of life he has given us. I miss my baby boy Ian and hate all that he had to endure in order to teach me what mattered in life.

Adventures with Asher

2011-12-08T07:50:00.001-08:00

Now that Asher has had his shots and is a little bit bigger we are finally able to adventure out into the world with him and not worry about him being put back in the hospital. I know it's flu season and there are a lot of things going around so we don't go a lot of places but we are back at church now and I do take him shopping for a fun day out with Mommy and Nonnie. It does my soul good to see different scenary and I am hoping it will train Asher to be accustomed to going and doing things. :) We'll see...

Anyways...back to the point. We took Ian anywhere and everywhere. At the beginning there weren't too many stares but when he got older and people could see something was "wrong" with my perfect Ian they couldn't help but to take a second look at him. Some of those looks said "God bless their souls. It would be so hard to raise a child "like that" some of the looks said..."Did you see that baby?!? What is wrong with him?!?" and some of them said "I'm so sorry!!!" Most people were well meaning and didn't mean to crush my momma heart but they always did. I saw Ian as pure perfection just the same way I see Asher. I saw Ian as a blessing and pure joy to be around. However, some people saw Ian as a burden...as different....and as a setback in life. We did not!!!

What a difference our world is now though. We took Asher to the mall yesterday and every person who saw him said "Oh how cute!!! Let me see that baby!!!" "Look at that boy...he's a fattie!" There were no pity looks and there were no I'm sorry's. There were people talking to him and Asher would instantly throw on his charm and smile and giggle at each person :) It feels so nice. It's fun to go out in public with my little boy and "show him off" and not have to worry about my heart being crushed because someone thought he looked "different" You don't know to appreciate that pleasure in life until you've had a child that makes everyone look twice and whisper about you behind your back. Once again....I'm thankful for the blessing of Asher in our lives.

Asher...getting funnier every day. Wae went hunting this past weekend for a few days in Illinois and when he got back Asher was so excited!!! Wae picked him up and Asher didn't even want to see my face after that. If I would walk over and talk to him he would cry. I tried to get him back from Wae and rock him...he cried. He only wanted his daddy. Wae had him laughing his head off...he wouldn't do it for me. He for sure has a personality already.

We started a new tradition this year with Asher and his buddies. I couldn't decide if I wanted it to be only a family tradition or if I wanted to include his friends too but I finally decided to include his little buddies. It was a "Happy Birthday Jesus" party. We read the story of Christmas, made ornaments for our tree, and did a sticker scene craft. We had birthday cake and sent balloons to Heaven to Jesus for His birthday. When asked what Christmas was really about some said "Santa" and some said "presents" Some also said "Jesus' birthday" I am excited to teach Asher that this holiday is not about him getting the most toys or everything he wants but that it's about celebrating Jesus Christ and the love He has for us. As I read the story Asher watched me and listened intently to every word I said. He may have wanted his daddy when he got home but he is for sure a momma's boy at heart :)

Thought I would share some pictures from our party and one of Asher's chunky legs. I just love his rolly polly self :)

I'm a dork...

2011-12-02T08:56:00.000-08:00

As you all know I am a teacher. I started my teaching career in 2nd grade and moved to 1st grade later. Teaching has always had my heart and been a passion of mine. I love to create FUN lessons and be playful with my students. I love to hug my little darlings and claim them as "my kids" throughout the year. In my opinion, good teachers have a heart for teaching. They love children, they love learning, and they love seeing those sweet little eyes sparkle when the lesson finally "clicks" in a child's head.

For now I am at home with Asher. I won't be at home with him forever but today I am. So guess who is my student for today?!? Asher...They have awesome blogs created for stay at home moms. These moms actually TEACH their children lessons. They make awesome crafts and learn bible verses and how they relate to our lives. They read bible stories and learn about Jesus. They have lessons centered around the holidays with activities to make learning fun. Asher is 12 weeks old...can he say his ABC's? Well goodness no! He can't even roll over yet. He can talk some very cute baby talk though. :) So guess what we do at home? We practice our ABC's (LOL...I admitted I'm a dork already so don't talk about me behind my back :) ) I am already creating lessons for this funny boy and I have some ABC scriptures ran off laminated and ready for him to memorize once can sit up. Hahaha...ok, ok, I'll hold off until he can talk. :) I am just being prepared and finding my lessons to create while I am home with my precious one. I love watching a child learn and I can't imagine it being MY OWN child learning what I am teaching. I get all giddy and excited about it. :) Yes...I'm a dork and a teacher at heart. I can't wait to teach this little one...CANNOT WAIT!!!

Asher is growing so fast. He has discovered his hands this past week and chews on them continuously. I was worried about the germs but guess what they make? Hand wipes that kills 95% of germs. YAY...now what about that other 5%!? Just kidding...just kidding! Those 5% of germs can build his immune system all y'all keep telling me he needs to build up. :) He loves to sit like a big boy and doesn't much like being held like a baby anymore :( He loves to snuggle and rock before a nap and his passy is the only way to get him to sleep. He likes to stand up and look around at world and he still isn't a big sleeper. He plays on his playmat and laughs out loud at himself and I crack up every time. He's so stinking happy that sometimes he can't even take his bottle for smiling. He smiles and laughs through his bottle and I'm putty in his cute little fat hands. He has my heart!!! I catch myself sometimes...I'll be rocking him and tears will just start flowing down my cheeks. God blessed us with this miracle!!! God's grace and mercy amazes me. We don't deserve such an awesome blessing in life but he chose us to be the parents of the most precious child. I can't help but to cry when I think about it. Pure joy...this is what it feels like. Obsessed? Yes! In love? most definitely!!! Pure happiness when I think about Asher...it couldn't be any better.

Well...he's napping so I'm going to tip toe in there and stare at him a minute while he's so peaceful. Then busy around the house for a minute to clean this mess up. Hope you like the new pics...

Ahhh....Motherhood!

2011-10-20T12:52:00.000-07:00

When a woman decides to get pregnant I'm not real sure that she knows what she is getting herself into. No one sat me down and told me about how crazy I would be during pregnancy and about how even crazier I would be after delivering my little bundle of joy. No one warned me about ALL the things that could be side effects during your pregnancy and they definitely didn't warn me about how obsessed I would be about doing it all right. Did I say obsessed?!? Yes...that's what I meant!!! This is THE most important job a woman could have her whole life through and no one warned me about the fact that I would want to be perfect at this job! There's just one catch...you can't be perfect. There are things you don't know that you have to learn and there are lessons to learn with your little miracle that can only be learned through trial and error.

For example...during the night on Friday when Asher was 5 weeks old our little man was burning hot. I don't mean just a little warm to the touch I mean it felt like he'd been sunbathing all day without a shade for hours. I proceeded to check his temp and it was 100.5. Yes I was FREAKING!!! The doctor had just told me that week that 100.4 is the limit for newborns and that I needed to IMMEDIATELY call the office if his ever exceeded this number. Ok doc...it's 3:30 am do you really want me to IMMEDIATELY call the office at this hour. I'll give it 30 minutes I say to myself. I lay him by himself with no blanket to make sure it wasn't my body heat. Ok...30 minutes is up. Let's recheck...YEP...100.5 still. And YES...I did it rectally :) Let's try this just one more time. Yep...still that high. So...I IMMEDIATELY called the office and they directed me to a doctor. YIKES...I just thought I would talk to the person at the on call line NOT A DOCTOR. OH MY GOODNESS!!! Guess who answered the phone...DR.RUTLAND!!!!!!! Do you think I told him "Hey this is Mary Ellis...." Heck no!!! I said the bare minimum hoping he wouldn't recognize my voice to hear him say be at the office at 8 am. Whew...he didn't recognize me. Uh-oh...he'll know in the morning though when he sees me. MAN...he's going to KNOW I'm a crazy mom now...you know the one I always talked about :) Needless to say he didn't think I was crazy and he was his usual kind self. He checked everything under the sun only to find out Asher had a viral infection he just picked up somewhere. He assured me over and over and over that I did not cause this but that it just happens sometimes. Thanks Dr.Rutland because this mommy feels awful that her 5 week old had to be admitted to the hospital. UGH...he's fine now. We didn't leave the house for a few weeks and barely had visitors but we are normal now. He's had his shots and is ready to see the world. Thank goodness...I don't like house arrest.

Asher is almost 10 weeks old. He is smiling all over himself and just giggles for no reason. He wakes up the happiest boy in the world and could melt the coldest of hearts with his smiles in the morning time. He is PRECIOUS!!! His personality is showing so much and to me it says "I know I"m loved and I just love my lovable family" It seems like love is the theme of this child's life. Don't you know that feels great to him?!? He occasionally wakes himself up by laughing in his sleep. Is he playing with Ian in his dreams or is he laughing because of pure happiness? We'll never know. He is held a lot of the day and is snuggled most of the night. Does he sleep with us? Sometimes...if that's what he wants! Do I hold him for no reason during the day...Well sure I do!!! I had him to love and to spoil and I am doing just that. This little boy will never have to wonder if he is loved or not. He likes to nap with noise in the room, he loves to sing our Christmas music, we already practice our ABC's, and we sing "Head, Shoulders, Knees, and Toes" all the time to learn our body parts. He likes to sleep on his tummy despite the rule from the doctors, he hates tummy time, and he is obsessed with his play mat! He weighs 12 pounds 6 ounces and is 25 inches long. He eats like a pig after trying 300 different formulas and bottles I think we found the right one this week...finally. But most importantly he smiles when he hears my voice and wants me to hold him when he sees me. My little boy can see me!!! AND he can hear me. It warms my heart!!! I didn't know how it felt for my child to turn his head at my voice and to follow me with his eyes when I walk around the room. He loves me and I love him and I couldn't be any happier. This thing called motherhood is pure bliss!!! I am so thankful Asher's mine and I wouldn't change one thing about my perfect boy!!!