For those of you who don’t know, Coach John Wooden, who passed away last year, wasn’t a figure skating coach. He was a college basketball coach at UCLA. For more information on Coach Wooden, you can visit his site. I’ll be taking on one of the ten Wooden-isms that Santee identified as his favorites and picking them apart, Ice-Mom-style.

“Be more concerned with your character than your reputation, because your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think you are.” – Coach Wooden

Character. Character is the reason that Ice Girl is in figure skating to begin with. Sure, a double-twisty-thing is cool, but that’s not why I’m sending her to the rink. Nope. I’m sending her because I like the lessons she learns about herself that have little to do with jumping or spinning.

Perseverance.  When the Axel gets tough, many figure skaters turn to soccer or volleyball. However, a kid who sticks with a jump for over eight months has learned something deep about herself. She’s learned that perseverance pays off.

Grace. Sure, she’s taken ballet to learn how to hold her arms and hands a certain way. That’s not the kind of grace I’m talking about. I’m talking about the grace of a winner who sincerely congratulates other competitors in a flight and complements them on their great spins or amazing jumps. I’m also talking about the grace of someone who has finished last or near the bottom. It takes just as much grace to sincerely congratulate the winner, even when you’re cringing inside because you fell on cross-overs. Cross-overs!

Work ethic. You want an Axel? You can’t go to your favorite store and buy one. You’d better be prepared to work for it. And listen, Ice Girl, ice time ain’t cheap. You’d better use it wisely because I’m cutting back on it if you slack off.

Courage. It takes courage for a skater to go out on the ice and fall, fall, fall. It takes courage to turn your flying chicken into a flying camel, especially when most of your friends can’t figure out why you’re struggling with it. It takes courage to come back from an injury and attempt the same jump that earned you eight stitches just last week.

Acceptance. Sometimes a skater competes and does his best program ever. He’s proud of himself, the coach is proud of him, and you’re sure that all the hard work he put in during practice will result in a medal. But it doesn’t. The skater doesn’t even make the medal stand. Were the judges watching the same skaters you were? It doesn’t really matter, does it? Sometimes the marks just aren’t in the skater’s favor. But he learns to accept those marks. That’s not an easy thing to do and it builds character, not just in the skater, but in the parent.

Goal setting. Before skating, Ice Girl, an only child, didn’t really have goals. She drifted through life and was happy enough, but she didn’t have ambition. There was nothing that she really, really wanted. Until skating. I put that kid on the ice and all of a sudden she had goals. She had drive. She found she had a competitive nature. These are great things to a parent who thought her daughter’s only ambition was to watch as much television as possible.

There are many more character-building reasons for skating, and I’m sure you’ll help me add to the list in the comments.

Reputation. I’m not as quick to dismiss reputation as Coach Wooden is. My favorite guidance counselor, Curt, often said: perception is reality. That’s short, but pretty deep. Here’s what it means: despite your best efforts, what other people think is what’s real, what you have to deal with. Even if what they think is the opposite of what you’ve been trying to accomplish, it doesn’t matter.

Here’s an example: Let’s say a skater goes to the rink and doesn’t talk to anyone. She is the best skater at the rink, but she sits away from the other kids when she’s putting on her skates and doesn’t engage anyone in conversation beyond a nod. Other skaters have tried to talk to her, but she gives one-word answers and avoids everyone.

The perception might be that the skater is a snob. After all, she’s the best skater at the rink. Who is she to be so dismissive of the other kids? However, the skater might just be painfully shy. She might not have many friends and she might not know how to talk to kids beyond a one-word answer. Maybe she has a speech impediment and doesn’t want to talk in front of the other skaters.

Whatever the case might be, the perception that the skater is a snob is the reality. In other words, it’s the problem the skater must deal with at the rink. The fact that the perception is based on speculation or false premises doesn’t matter. She still must deal with other skaters, coaches, and parents thinking that she’s stuck-up.

Reputation is your brand and, especially at skating rinks where gossip can make the rounds faster than a level-four spin, it’s pretty important. Granted, it’s not the most important thing, but it still plays an important role. What others think of you influences how comfortable a skater is at the rink. It influences how much time a coach might want to spend with a skater. Others might disagree,  but it might even influence the judging process. Judges are only human, after all.

I agree with Coach Wooden: character is what sports are all about, at least from the athlete and parent point of view. Well, character, fun, and fitness. As an athlete, you can control character. Reputation is harder to control because it’s out of the athlete’s hands. However, I don’t think it’s a merely thing. I think reputation is an important part of getting along together at the rink. A skater’s reputation, her brand, is important. Having the reputation as the rink’s troll isn’t good. Having the reputation as the rink’s gossip isn’t good, either. Both will make life much more difficult at the rink and, ultimately, the skaters’ training will suffer.

What do you think? Are there character lessons that I’ve left out? I’m sure there are. Please add them in the comments. Do you think that reputation is “merely what others think you are” or is it more powerful than that?

Photo credits:
thumbs up: .reid. / Sarah
Rock On, Dudes: StarMama
Untitled [two thumbs down]: abi.bhattachan
Malini – Week 11 062: Spinneraf / Chris

My general question is “how do you know if its time to change coaches”?

My daughter is seven and is currently in the FreeSkate level of the USFSA curriculum. She has been taking private lessons from IceCoachA for almost two years, starting when she was in the early Basics with one lesson per week and gradually adding more as she progressed. IceCoachA has traditionally been a cheerleader, generous with compliments, and pretty quick to move my IceGirl though the levels. IceCoachA is generally thought of as more of a beginner’s level coach, but she is married to someone who is generally acknowledged to be the best coach at the rink (he has taken kids to Junior Nationals). I’ll call him IceCoachB.

About six months ago, IceCoachA began complaining that IceGirl wasn’t progressing as much as she should. IceCoachA suddenly seemed to become very competitive and grumpy. She recommended that IceGirl pick up some lessons with IceCoachB. We and IceGirl know IceCoachB quite well and were happy to do that. IceCoachB is very picky and very serious, which is nice in some ways. It has made IceGirl step up as she really wants to please IceCoachB. Now IceGirl is taking from both A & B (for about six months), but has seemed to become a little stagnant per the IceCoaches.

It is difficult to provide all the background in a forum like this, but I am interested in perspectives on what may make a child become stagnant. Here are some of my thoughts and questions:

* IceGirl attitude: IceGirl herself still loves skating and wants to progress. Her only complaint is that she feels a little bored – her practice routine hasn’t changed in months and she doesn’t feel that she is progressing into learning new moves as quickly as she would like. She wants to work on her PrePre moves, finish her single jumps, get her camel spin perfected, etc. I can see that she probably isn’t practicing her current moves with much passion, which is one possible factor.

*Two Coaches, one very progressive, one very picky: IceCoachB seems to have a higher standard for “passing,” which could be a factor. Perhaps IceGirl needs to get more solid on some of her foundational moves that IceCoachA already passed her on.

* IceGirl’s age: Perhaps young IceGirl has moved into a set of elements that are just harder and it is natural to experience some slow down in progression.

* Time for a change? This is my big question. IMHO, I think we need to be done with IceCoachA. I think it is hard to have two coaches teaching the same thing. I understand if one was teaching moves, one freeskate, etc. But they sort of co-teach, and IceCoachB corrects IceCoachA, so I have begun to wonder what I am paying IceCoachA for, especially since she is no longer cheery and full of positive energy. But considering IceGirl’s young age, should we also be done with serious, picky IceCoachB? Is there any merit to moving to a fresh relationship? Would it possibly energize and motivate IceGirl?

Any insights are appreciated. I realize that there is much going on in the dynamics of things that I can’t explain here, but any feedback would be helpful.

Great questions, SouthernIceMom. I am just a skating mom, I’m not a figure skating expert. I can’t tell you which coach has good skills and which one doesn’t. For that, I turn to my own skater.

Howevever, I am a teacher and an education writer (promotion! editorial director Oooh.). I talk to big names in education and ed psychology. I read everything. I also know what worked in my classroom.

Personal connection.I’m telling you: The single most important factor in a student’s success with a teacher is NOT the teacher’s knowledge/skills, is NOT the teacher’s organization, and is NOT the teacher’s feedback for the student. THE SINGLE MOST IMPORTANT FACTOR is the PERSONAL CONNECTION between the teacher and student.

The connection between the teacher and the student is the foundation for learning. A student will work hard for a teacher she respects, for a teacher who pushes her, for a teacher who offers appropriate, targeted praise. Students will overcome all kinds of instructional deficiencies and seek to improve, sometimes despite an inadequate teacher.

However, the reverse is also true. If a student and teacher have not established or have lost that personal connection, the student will not work as hard, become disinterested, and disengage.

Tolerating a mildly bad situation. I read something recently; I’m not sure where, though. Anyway, the upshot is this: the worst thing a person can do is work at a job they tolerate or kind of hate. A person in this kind of job will sit in her tolerable cubicle and mildly hate her job for years.

The blogger wrote that it’s better to hate your job. Really, really hate it. If you hate it, if you’re uncomfortable, you’ll take steps to make your situation better. You’ll search the want ads, knock on doors, and network your butt off until you find a job that you like better. Maybe way better.

Of course, the best situation is to be in a job you love.

I think that this idea can be applied to many situations, not just the work environment. How many times do we just tolerate a situation or a relationship instead of working to make it better? It’s a lot of effort to make things better and if we’re not very, very uncomfortable, it’s easier to just grab the remote, pop open a soda, and tune out whatever’s bothering us.

Should she change coaches? Well, I’m not sure. SouthernIceMom, if you think that connection is no longer present, it probably isn’t. If it’s gone, I’d switch coaches. It’s not easy, but it’s probably what’s best for your skater and, really, what’s best for your wallet. She’ll learn more from someone with whom she has a connection. It might take a while to find that person, but when you do, hold on to that coach with both hands. Nurture and encourage that relationship. And pay your bill on time.

What do you think? Should this mom switch coaches? At what point do you abandon a coaching relationship? How do you choose a coach for a skater? What do you do to nurture the coach-skater personal connection?

The problem, from the point of view of figure skating, isn’t holding up under the pressure.  According to an online course from the University of Montana – Bozeman, figure skaters can exceed 4 Gs when jumping or spinning.

Nope, the problem with g-forces happens when the figure skater decelerates suddenly instead of in a nice, controlled landing. In other words, the crash landing is the problem. Humans have a hard time surviving g-forces above 50 Gs, at least not without some injury. A 100-G car crash can be fatal.

High-level skaters can reach speeds of 20 mph during their programs. Falls at those speeds are dangerous. However, we all know that the figure skater’s first lesson on the ice is how to fall and how to get back up again. Figure skaters are pretty good at falling, especially those who are whizzing past the hockey glass at 20 mph.

However, I’ve also witnessed some stunning falls at the rink, even from seasoned skaters. Figure skaters rarely fall and bonk their heads because they have learned to shift their weight to their back sides. A coach told me that a figure skater who falls and hits her head has probably been distracted, hit a rut in the ice, or isn’t confident about falling. Instead of falling on the ice and letting her body’s natural padding absorb the impact of the fall, a figure skater who is afraid to fall will try to compensate for her poor balance and might over balance and either fall on her face or hit her head on the ice.

I’ve seen skaters hit their heads. I’ve seen what concussions look like first hand. It’s not what I’d want for my own daughter.

A few weeks ago, I wrote a post about figure skating protective equipment (Protective Gear for Figure Skaters) and I mentioned the Ice Halo product. Barbara Armstrong, the Ice Halo’s inventor and owner of the Ice Halo company sent me a free sample of the Ice Halo (Ice Girl chose charcoal gray fleece for her halo) as well as swatches of all the different kinds of fabric a skater can choose as the Ice Halo’s covering.

The Ice Halo looks like a headband, but bulkier. It has light-weight foam on the interior and different kinds of fabric from pink fake fur to pink fleece on the outside (spot clean only). Armstrong sent  me over 30 fabric swatches that skaters can choose from. I was surprised that Ice Girl chose the Charcoal Gray, but I think she wanted to minimize the look of the Ice Halo and not call attention to it with something like Faux Fur Blue Eyelash (baby blue, long, and silky) or Spandex Red Shimmer. However, I really thought she was going to choose Faux Fur White Rabbit because it’s so pretty and would look great on the ice. Who can predict a teen?

The figure skater wears the Ice Halo in much the same way as she’d wear a headband. Ice Girl couldn’t manage the Ice Halo and her pony tail, but Ice Friend wore the Halo just fine with hers. The Ice Halo is bigger in the back to protect the head and one side has a Velcro closure so the figure skater can adjust the Ice Halo’s size to fit her head.

According to the printed material that Armstrong sent along with the Ice Halo, swatches, and informational DVD, the Ice Halo has been, “[...]tested and proven to reduce impact force by over 250G.” Remember that car crashes of 100 G can be fatal or cause serious injuries. Armstrong also includes information from a Canadian study that found a link between sports-related head injuries and Alzheimer’s disease. The study also shows a link between just one concussion and deficiencies in memory, motor skills, and reaction times as athletes age. Armstrong also cites a U.S. study that found a link between head trauma and neurological disorders.

The microfleece Ice Halo will set buyers back $50.95 USD, including shipping, or $49.70 CAD, including shipping. The furry ones cost a bit more: $56.08 USD, or $54.70 CAD.

I think the design of the Ice Halo product is really good. It’s lightweight and the halo isn’t enormous or distracting to the skater. Once a skater adjusts the Velcro on the side with the Ice Halo logo, that’s all the adjustment that’s needed. The skater just slips it on and off her head. As I mentioned, Ice Girl struggled with fitting the Ice Halo on her head with a pony tail, but once she let her hair down, the Ice Halo fit well. Ice Friend had no difficulties with the Ice Halo and her pony tail. Neither Ice Girl nor Ice Friend had any trouble seeing with the Ice Halo and they both jumped just fine.

When people see the Ice Halo on my kitchen table or on the bench at the rink, they have a hard time resisting picking it up. People are naturally curious about the product and they are as surprised as I was that it’s so lightweight. I had no trouble asking Ice Friend to give it a try at early morning ice.

Ah, but that’s the thing, isn’t it? It was just Ice Girl and Ice Friend at 6 a.m. ice the morning I brought the Ice Halo and my camera (BTW, cool time-lapse photos, hey?). Ice Girl is 15 and she’s deeply aware of how small movements and deviations from the standard high school teen wardrobe can affect her social status for the day. I couldn’t get her to wear the Ice Halo at any session but her Wednesday 6 a.m. session where she and Ice Friend share the ice with no one else. I asked the girls about the product. They both liked it; although Ice Girl tugged and pulled at it way more than Ice Friend did. However, when I asked the girls if they would wear it at a practice with other skaters and they both just smiled awkwardly and said no.

That’s the problem, isn’t it? This is a great product, but I know Ice Girl would never wear it. She’s not the trail-blazing type. She’s not the kind of kid who looks at the scientific evidence and says, “Yep, I’ll wear that.” Ice Friend said that she probably wouldn’t wear it, either.

So, would I spend $50 on this product? Probably. Would I get $50 worth of use out of it? Probably not. But I know myself: I’d buy it so that I could say I did everything I could to keep my kid safe on the ice. Well, everything but force her to wear the Ice Halo. Peer pressure is much more powerful that any threats, ranting, and reasoned arguments that I can throw at my teen.

What do you think? Is the Ice Halo something that you think all skaters should wear? Would your skater wear it? Ice Dad thinks that our figure skating club should mandate the Ice Halo’s use so we can keep insurance costs low and prevent injury. He says that if everyone has to wear one, than no one will feel dorky. Me, I’m not convinced that we’d have buy-in from the coaches. What do you think?

Do you have a question for Ice Mom or a suggestion for a blog post? I’m still behind on my e-mails, so be patient! You can send me a reminder e-mail, too. I love reminders and nudges: I need all the help I can get! E-mail me at IceMom.Diane@gmail.com

Rinkformation review policy: occasionally, authors and manufacturers send Ice Mom products for review. Ice Mom receives no payment in exchange for the product and does not guarantee a favorable review. Editorial content is independent of any advertising on the site.

Ice Girl and Halo

Someone: We need a volunteer to organize our hospitality room.

Over-Committed Volunteer: I can do that.

Someone else: We need someone to type up our club bylaws

Over-Committed Volunteer: I can do that.

Another person: Can you…

Over-Committed Volunteer: Yes!

Still another: How about…

Over-Committed Volunteer: I’m up to the challenge!

Realize that Over-Committed is also making dresses, working full time, posting meeting notes, cleaning her house, cooking, running her skater from rink to rink, and sleeping every so often.

The problem is that Over-Committed struggles with the difference between I can do it and I have enough time to do it and still be sane.

I can speak firsthand to this problem. I am sometimes the Over-Committed Volunteer. In fact, I have been so over-committed that I have stopped blogging for a while. I’m sorry. I’ve been so over-committed that I stayed up for over 48 hours to complete a competition dress, put together crock pots for a competition, volunteer as a floater, and make sure my family had food at the house. I’ve been so over-committed that a respiratory virus mutated into freaking pneumonia. Pneumonia. I’m surprised I can even spell it.

Let me tell, you: the cure for the Over-Committed Volunteer is pneumonia. Need sleep? You won’t have a choice. Need relaxation? Well, sleep’s relaxing. Need a clear schedule? Nothing happens when you have pneumonia. Need a vacation? You’ll have a week off of work, guaranteed.

So, when the Over-Committed Volunteer raises her hand for a third time, be her friend. Put your hand on her shoulder and your other hand in the air to do whatever it is she was about to take on. If she appears wild eyed and sleep deprived, ask if there’s anything you can to to take something off of her plate.

If you are the Over-Committed Volunteer, allow me to be your cautionary tale. It’s unhealthy to take on too much. You need sleep. No one gives you a trophy or a shiny medal for accomplishing more before 8 a.m. than most people do all day. Sure, that sense of accomplishment is hard to beat, but so is that sense that you’ve had enough sleep. Listen to your husband. Listen to your daughter. Listen to your best friend. Heck, even listen to your mother. If they’re all saying that you’re doing too much and not sleeping enough, give scaling back a try.

You could also try reframing your sense of accomplishment, too. I’ve done more before 8 a.m. than most people do all day could be: I slept 8 hours last night like a normal human being. What an accomplishment!

How about you? Are you a chronic over-achiever? Are you unsatisfied to sit in front of the T.V. without a basket of socks to sort? Are you constantly in motion or are you content to take a Saturday afternoon nap? Do you know an Over-Committed Volunteer who needs an intervention? Are you in recovery? Tell me how it’s done.

Photo credits:
Day Sixty – Stress Management: The Crystal Fairy / Toni Gregory
Stress [phone]: chmeredith / Christopher Meredith
Stress: alancleaver_2000 / Alan Cleaver
Nap Time: A. Blight / Andrew Blight

How many private lessons per week is “normal” for a seven-year-old figure skater? My daughter is serious about skating even at only seven. She will be out of Learn to Skate (LtS) soon (Free Style level). She has been taking two private lessons (25 minutes each) per week on top of practice ice working on more advanced moves than her LtS curriculum. I think we’re going to move up to three lessons per week when the LtS class ends. Is this appropriate or a waste of money? (btw, my DD will be in her first competition soon competing at “Beginner-Test Track/no test” level).

Thanks for the question, Heather. I think my answer would be:

Of course, I never apply these formulas, but I do think that having one lesson fewer than the skater wants is useful because then the skater is left wanting more instead of feeling satiated, or worse, overwhelmed. I also like staying within budget. After that, I leave it up to Ice Coach and Ice Girl. Ice Girl can have as many lessons as she needs or wants, as long as I have the money for it.

For me, it’s not a question of age; it’s a question of maturity. Some seven-year-olds need a coach with them every time they’re on the ice. If no coach is present, then the seven-year-old will skate aimlessly, stand in the Lutz corner and stare agape at the figure skater barrelling toward them, or act silly with the other seven-year-olds. Some seven-year-olds are more driven and self-directed. They can handle hour-long independent practices.

If you’re anything like me, Heather, what is hardest is the sticker shock. Your kid is in Learn to Skate and you’re paying maybe $100 for an 8- or 10-week session, coaching and ice time included. If you’re really lucky, you might even have a free pass to open skate.

Heather, those days are nearly over. See that $100? Let’s multiply it by four, six, or eight. Per month. Breathe, now, Heather. You’re going to be O.K. Really.

What do you think? Is there a magic number of lessons for a seven-year-old? How do you figure out what the right number of lessons is for your skater? In your responses, please indicate how old your skater is.

I’m strictly a recreational skater, because I started later in life. I’ve never even been to Regionals and I’m not looking to make a career out of it or anything like that, so this isn’t my dilemma. I’m sending in this in behalf of my friend (I’ve Bcc’d her) because, unlike me, she’s pretty high level, hoping to possibly skate at Worlds someday and maybe even at the Olympics in 2014, and she wants to stay anonymous (her parents want that, too) but I’m okay with both of these things, so I thought I’d send you her dilemma.

She’s going through quite a rough time at the rink right now. Basically, she started skating at 3 years old and she started playing hockey later at 6, because she was obviously showing a lot of skating talent and her parents had the idea of putting her in another sport so she’d get a different experience and not get bored of skating too quickly. She loved hockey and was good at it, but she quit when she was 10, because she knew that she had to focus 100 percent on her skating if she wanted to skate at a high level internationally.

Because her hockey teammates were all young then, they weren’t really mean to her about it at the time, but now we’re all teens (we’re both 13, my friend is 14 next month) it’s like they’re paying her back for when she quit. They put notes in her rink locker threatening her, they swear at her when she passes them (often she’s on the ice just before the hockey team) and they’ve got their parents and coaches spreading rumors about her. One of the hockey girls goes to our school and she asked her older brother to wait at the gates ready to threaten my friend a couple of weeks ago. It’s a really scary time for her and she doesn’t know what to do.

People know what’s going on, though they don’t do anything about it, and whenever she asks for advice she’s just told to change rinks. But it’s not that easy – she has an elite coach at our rink and works really well with him, and though there are a lot of rinks in the area, none are as good as the one we’re at. Is there something else she could do, but not change rinks?

Jozet at Halushki, whose skater competed Regionals last fall. (Have you seen Josette’s Awesome Figure Skating Group on Facebook?)

Wow. The level of meanness in this situation is just breathtaking! Who are these people, and how badly do they feel about themselves that they have to pass along those bad feelings to other kids? I feel so sad for your friend, but what a wonderful person you are for sticking up for her and trying to help!

My first suggestion would be to gather as many people as possible who also support your friend and to stay in contact with her daily to keep her spirits up and to help her stay positive. A simple email, text, or phone call can really give her enough strength to fend off the bad feelings. That – with continued ignoring of the bullies – is often enough. They usually get bored and move on.

That said, everything you described is just horrifying! This has gone way beyond a few old teammates ragging on her for quitting hockey and has become, I think, an unsafe situation – emotionally and, potentially, physically. At this point, if your friend really wants to stay at this rink, it sounds like she’s going to have to lodge some big complaints with her coach, her parents, and the skating director at her side.

Document *everything*. Any notes need to be copied in triplicate and handed over to the rink, the school (if they are given in school) and – and I’m quite serious abut this – the police. Let the school and the rink know that the threats are not site specific, and this has gone way beyond “kids will be kids” to the point that outside authorities have been notified. I’m a big pain in the butt when it comes to this kind of stuff and find that alerting as many authorities as possible (rink management, school board, professional skating/hockey/rink organizations, even local journalists at times) and letting them all know that there is a bad situation afoot and that I’m contacting everyone. As soon as people know that other outside authorities are “listening in”, I find that their “who cares” attitudes suddenly begin to “we care”.

Does this risk more bullying in the short run? Yes. But if ignoring the bullies – always my first suggestion – hasn’t worked and the threats are getting worse, then doing something will be as bad as doing nothing.

Now, if your friend can work out a way to change to another rink and she doesn’t want to fight that battle, I can completely sympathize and would support her in just leaving. I still think it’s important to document what’s going on, let the rink know why you are leaving, as well as still contact the school board and police to give them a heads up on the situation. Even if she asks the rink/school/police to do nothing, the information regarding the bullying might go into the data pile of all bullying complaints; if nobody reports these things, the school can potentially say “nobody ever told us” and never take any threats seriously because they think they don’t have a systemic problem.

Again and truly, it is up to each family to decide how much noise they want to make; there is always the risk of more backlash, and again, I’d never fault anyone for not wanting to put themselves in that situation, either. Both choices – to leave or to stay and fight it out – are honorable and equally difficult.

SeasonedSk8rmom, adult skater and mom to a novice-level skater who just passed her junior moves!

I recommend that she keep a diary of the harassment, especially if there is any physical violence involved. I feel she should file a grievance with the rink manager, her figure skating club, the arena hockey club and the American Hockey Association and USFSA.

If there has been any physical harassment, then she can file a police report and also a restraining order against anyone who is harassing her. The restraining order will legally restrict the individuals from coming into contact with your friend. They will not be able to harass her on the internet, by phone or by mail with the restraining order.

If you friend is being harassed at school she can go to the principal and file a complaint and if the principal does not help than she should take her complaint to the school board.

Your friend could try also to schedule her ice time when she will have very little contact with her old hockey teammates. I know that it is difficult to change her ice schedule, because figure skaters already have limited ice time, but the more she stays away from her old hockey team members, the less opportunity they will have to harass her. I hope these suggestions are helpful for her friend. It makes me so sad to hear when children are being bullied by their peers. I hope your friend will channel her fear and frustration into her skating and I hope it will not discourage her from skating and I hope she will continue to be successful.

Sk8rmom p, personal trainer and mom to an intermediate-level male figure skater and a Junior Nationals competitor

This is a tough one.  First of all, I am so glad that your friend has someone like you to care about her.  If this skater was my child, I would make sure that the communication lines are always open between my child and me so that I could monitor the situation closely.

The safety of this skater is the utmost concern first of all.

If changing rinks is not an option, then the skater will have to endure some level of discomfort even after this is resolved.  I really think she should talk to her coach and let him/her know what is happening.  See if practices can be scheduled to avoid the hockey change over period.  Someone has to step in and help this skater.

This is called bullying and is not tolerated in schools.  I know that teens want to handle situations themselves as much as they can, but I feel that if my child is afraid of physical harm and is showing mental distress, it is time for authorities to step in.

1) Have the girl and her parents start to document all altercations between the hockey girls, parents and relatives.  List dates, times, participants, what they said or did. At school and at home.  Witnesses to the situations.  Document all the steps taken to defuse the situation and their outcomes.

2) The immediate situation to take care of is the brother of the hockey girl.  I (parent) would speak to the hockey girl and her brother.  If this doesn’t work, then I would go to the parents (with documentation in hand).  In a lot of cases, believe it or not, this helps.  I was bullied as a child and my mother spoke to the bully and she stopped.  I was amazed.

3)  Next step if this doesn’t work.  Documentation in hand, I would as a parent go to the school and report what is happening (about the older brother).  If they don’t respond, then I would go to the police and make a report.  If needed, get a restraining order.

4)  With documentation in hand (you can reconstruct in as much detail the events leading up to this).  Speak to the Rink management about the situation, give them concrete examples of things said and events.

5)  Go to the hockey association or club and report the incidents.  This has got to be against their code of conduct.  Ask for help.  Disciplinary action, whatever they deem appropriate.

I would say don’t be afraid to involve adults on your side.  Maybe there is a relative that is a lawyer or clergy or judge or someone who can advocate and be an additional authoritative presence.

Speak with respect and give the benefit of the doubt.  Mediation rather than confrontation.

Sometimes teens will get themselves into a situation that they just don’t know how to get out of w/o losing face.  I don’t agree that teens can solve everything themselves, sometimes adults have to step in and it’s okay.  That’s why we are here.  To guide and protect our children.

Good luck! Please let us know how things are going.  I hope they get better quickly.

Allison Scott, mom to an Olympic figure skater and two-time National champion (sr.), survivor of many rinks, professional communicator, new grandmother, and blogger at Life on the Edge.

I really hate to sound like a broken record, but has this young woman talked to her parents or the coach? “People know what’s going on” is not enough. Do the RIGHT people know what’s going on? Bullying – of girls or boys – cannot be tolerated. If there is this serious of a problem, why aren’t the parents and the coach involved? This is a serious problem. I have to wonder if anyone, outside of a group of close teen friends, is really aware.

I appreciate the concern and certainly understand it, but an about-to-be 14 year old is not an adult. This is an adult problem and one that most male figure skaters face every day they take the ice in any rink across the country (unfortunately). If this skater really wants to make the World Team and make it to 2014 in Sochi, she has to trust the adults closest to her to take a stand against bullying. I applaud that this person’s friend is taking a stand and reaching out to us for advice, but it is up to the skater to take a stand, talk to responsible adults and take control of her destiny. If there is fear, there is no success. Standing up to this behavior, overcoming it and growing from it is what will get her to her dream. Allowing others to control her will only lead to another possibly great talent leaving the sport.

The ball is in her court and that is a HUGE responsibility. However, how she plays it will help shape the true grit the competitor she wants to become.

Ice Mom, mom to a 15-year-old preliminary figure skater who faced down a pack of bullies in synchro last year.

Bullying situations have three main players: the bully, the target, and the bystanders. The hardest thing for kids to do in a bullying situation is to stand up for the target. M.C., you are in a good position to support your friend. Make sure she is never alone. Plan her time at the rink and surround her with bystanders she can count on. Your posse needs to be vocal. If someone starts to say something to her, they need to say, “Stop swearing at her,” or “Stop spreading rumors.” Be specific in your words and make sure that the bully can hear you. Bullies aren’t used to people defending targets, so they’ll either stop or…it will go underground. That’s why you need to surround her at all times. Make sure that covert bullying doesn’t happen.

Tell rink management, tell the figure skating club, and tell the hockey association. Your figure skating club spends a lot of money at that rink. Ask the club to go to bat for your friend or she’ll have to leave the club. The club has pull. They can make things happen. Make sure that your friend’s parents tell school officials about how the bullying incidents are spilling over into the school. That makes it a school issue and now they’re responsible for handling it, too. Everyone has the right to a harassment-free school or work place and your friend is no exception.

Document every problem that she encounters with the date, time, and people involved. Identify the bully, the target, and the bystanders. E-mail this documentation to the rink management, the club, the hockey association, and the school every week. The more people in charge who know about it, the more people are responsible for making sure that this isn’t occurring.

Counter the negativity. Bolster your friend and tell her how amazing she is. Targets often internalize the bullying message and their self-esteem takes a hit. Be relentlessly positive. If she does something amazing, alert the media. I’m serious. E-mail your television stations and your newspaper’s sports staff. Let them know that she’s competing somewhere and invite them to film her closed practice. Invite them to your club’s exhibitions and ask them to film her and what she does on ice. Let her school newspaper know what she does and tell them that they should run a story on her. Build up support for her beyond your circle of friends.

M.C., I wish you and your friend the best. I have real hope for this situation because she has you for an ally. A few good friends and caring adults can make all the difference in the world. Keep us posted, O.K.?

What advice would you offer M.C. and her friend? Have you ever stood up to bullies or encouraged your own child to stand up for herself? Please share your experiences and ideas in the comments.

From reader Sk8er,JD

I’d like to know if Ice Girl wears any type of head protection? I haven’t had any bad falls yet, but all it takes is one to change your life. The only thing that I could find that is specifically geared toward figure skates/ curlers is the Ice Halo. It’s pricey for a “headband,” but in the grand scheme of things my head is priceless, lol.

Please let me know what precautions you take to prevent head injuries and if anyone out there has tried an Ice Halo or a homemade method of protecting your noggin.

From reader Dawn

Just wondering if you have any posts or recommendations on knee pads?  My daughter is working on her double axel and seems to have a continuous bruise on the outside of her knee.  I am concerned about the bone spur that seems to be building up.  Any suggestions?

Head protection

Thanks for the great questions! I’m unfamiliar with the Ice Halo, but I did look it up online. I have to say, it looks great. The big concern for coaches and skaters is that the protective isn’t in the skater’s way when they’re trying to jump or spin.

The Ice Halo’s site claims that the protective head band can reduce an impact force by 250G. For anyone who’s ever fallen and received a concussion, reducing the impact is a very real benefit to wearing one of these.
I can’t tell you how heavy they are, but the site claims that they’re lightweight. The $40 (CAN) price (plus shipping) seems reasonable, but again, I haven’t seen or experimented with these myself

Knee protection

I tell you, Dawn, I’d be concerned, too. I know a coach who has a dent in her hip from learning her double Axel. She had a permanent bruise there for a year. When the bruise went away, it left a big dent that looks like the number seven and is probably one-half inch deep. The day that coach showed Ice Girl and me her dent was the day that Ice Girl decided that maybe butt pads weren’t so bad after all.

As far as knee protection goes, I’m really out of my depth here. I’m not aware of knee protection that won’t interfere with jumping. I’m hoping some of the readers do!

So, readers, are you familiar with the Ice Halo or other protective head gear for figure skaters? Do you know of any knee protection that a skater working on a Double Axel could use? Do you recommned any other protective gear for skaters? Please share in the comments!

How comfortable are you with this scenario?

My 14-year-old son’s travel hockey coach asked all the parents for the kids’ cell phone numbers and said he will communicate directly with the kids via text message about newly scheduled practices and games. I was the only holdout, asking the coach to continue e-mailing me and telling him he is not to have direct contact with my son outside of practices and games. The coach has refused to comply, and now my son is missing the coaches’ notices. What can we do?

I’m with the mom on this one. Not only do I need to know about changes in practice and schedules, since I’m the driver, but also I’m nervous about the coach not keeping me in the loop. I don’t mind if Ice Girl’s coach contacts Ice Girl directly about something skating related like, Remember to do fifteen off-ice jumps today. That’s completely helpful.

However, trusting in my daughter to relay information about a change in the schedule isn’t a great idea. I love Ice Girl, but she’s not what we’d call a time manager. She’s lucky to remember her socks let alone remember that her lesson has moved from Thursday to Friday morning.

Not only that, but I’m the parent. I know the master family schedule, not Ice Girl. She has no idea if that’s the Friday that she has an early morning doctor’s appointment or if I’m taking the day off of work to meet with Grandma for some family thing.

The adult texting thing can also be uncomfortable if it’s inappropriate. I remember an adult coach was texting in the lobby during the Zamboni break. Turns out he was texting his underage students about something social. To me, it was flirtatious and I asked him if the thought that texting like that was a good idea. Sure, why not? he asked me. Well, I said, people could get the wrong idea. I mean, you’re 31 and she’s, what, 16? It looks bad.

Around here, texting just made the news because a local female teacher was texting inappropriate messages to her underage students. She just resigned her position with the district.

How comfortable do you feel about your coach texting or communicating with your skater? Are you O.K. with it, do you want to be kept in the loop, or do hate the idea?

Basically what happened was I got injured over the summer – I was just starting to get confident with my double Axel, so I got over excited and somehow landed one too hard and the majority of the bones in my foot shattered. Everybody was confused as to exactly how it happened, but it did and I was off of the ice until the beginning of December.

Physically I recovered really well but I think I’m messed up mentally now as far as jumps are concerned. On my first day back, I skated around a little bit, and started doing spins and spirals like I’d never been away, so my coach suggested I try a jump – and I couldn’t do it. It’s like the second she mentioned it, I froze up. It sounds dramatic and kinda like a bad pun but I couldn’t help thinking of the last time I’d jumped and I just couldn’t move. I tried a few times that lesson but nothing improved, I kept popping and psyching myself out of the jumps if you will, so my coach and my parents (who were watching from the stands) decided it was better for me to take it one step at a time.

But after a couple of days when I still couldn’t even try any jumps, even the easier ones, my parents started getting frustrated with me. They asked why I wasn’t trying, and they said I was letting them and myself down. They kept saying that I’d waited so long to skate again so why couldn’t I be satisfied now I could. What they don’t get is how much I want to jump again, it’s just that I have this crazy fear now. My parents asked my coach the other day if I’d ever be able to jump again, and she said it was a psychological thing and that it was up to me to get my thoughts straight, so right now I’m thinking it’s virtually impossible that I ever will. I said this, and my dad said he and my mom might pull me out of skating, since they obviously pay the coaching bills, competition fees, costumes etc. as well as supporting me and being there for me in practice and at competitions, and there’s no point in them wasting their time and money, so I was thinking, are they right to want me to quit? I just don’t want to let anybody down.

L.A., you’re not letting anyone down. Whatever decision you make needs to be right for you. Don’t accept pressure from anyone around you to skate or not skate.

That said, it sounds like you really want to skate and jump. You need a mental reset. L.A., you’re not alone. Ice Girl has been working on the mental reset since September. She still hasn’t worked on the jump that earned her eight stitches on her face.  Every time she tries, she replays the whole falling thing again and can’t do it. That’s fine with me. She has other jumps to work on. If she never lands that jump, I’m totally fine with it. She’s a good human being and I’m proud of her.

She’s frustrated, though. She knows that people at the rink look at her and wonder why she’s stuck. The stitches are gone and no one understands that she deals with this enormous fear.

Here’s what’s helped her:

• Start jumping as soon as possible. She was back on the ice the day after the fall and jumping the following day. Sure, she wasn’t doing that scary jump, but she was working on other things.
• Off-ice jumps. Bring back the old muscle memory. When confidence fails you, maybe your muscles won’t. Perhaps going into the jump isn’t feeling natural anymore. Work it until it does.
• Visualization. Couple the off-ice jumps with a visualization of you jumping on the ice and succeeding. Then tell yourself Good job or something similar. Visualize yourself jumping and landing the jump when you’re in practice and when you have some downtime. Make your mind believe that it can do the jumps. If you’re replaying the jump-and-fall footage over and over, consciously turn off the movie projector and reload the film to a time when you landed the jump.
• Soundtrack. Sometimes our heads aren’t helping our bodies succeed. If you’re going into the jump and your mind is freaking out, give it something very dull to focus on. I’m not a coach, so I can’t give you the words, but you could narrate the parts of the jump in your head. Up-pull in-rotate-out-landing-hold it. That’s probably not exactly what you would say to yourself, but you get the idea.
• Positive thinking. When you catch yourself saying a can’t message or having a fear message, consciously replace it with a can message. For example, when your coach asks you to work on a jump, shut down the fear and can’t messages with an inner pep talk. Figure out what the pep talk will be in advance of your practice, so you’ll have it ready.
• Ask for more positive talk. All of the positive self talk won’t do any good if you think it’s all a lie. Tell your coach what you need and don’t feel ashamed to ask for it. I’m betting you need someone else to be the positive, confident voice you used to have in your head. Ever potty trained a dog or a kid? Let me tell you, every tinkle in the right spot is cause for a potty party. It’s a big celebration and pretty over-the-top. The thing is, it works. The kid or dog actually looks forward to going potty. That’s what you need your coach to do. If your coach isn’t there, have Mom or Dad be the positive voice for you.
• No time to bleed. Negative messages, from yourself, your parents, or your coach, don’t move you forward. They just magnify the doubt and fear in your own head and add to that negative soundtrack. Don’t focus on what went wrong in a lesson or practice. Focus on what’s right, even if it’s just small stuff. On the ride home, make a list of five things that went well and put it in your skating binder. Even if it’s a baby step toward your goal, write it down.
• Subcontract the message. This really isn’t something you can do, L.A., but I’ve totally done it with Ice Girl. She brought The Boyfriend to practice and I sat with him in the stands to tell him what he was looking at on the ice and to manipulate him. I told him that Ice Girl’s jumps are really high and rotated, but her landings are awful. It’s a confidence thing, I told him. And then, as I had hoped, he trotted off to repeat my message. Yes, it’s manipulative, but boy, did it work. Ice Girl had some really confident practices. I asked her what had made the difference and she told me that The Boyfriend had said some positive things to her. Of course, they were my positive things, but I didn’t let her know that.

L.A., this isn’t an exhaustive list, but it’s a start. I’m sure that it’s a matter of time and confidence until you are skating like you had skated last summer. It’s just January. Get the feel of the ice under your blades and tell yourself you can do it. After all, you’ve done it before, right? Good luck. I’m rooting for you.

Do you have any advice for L.A.? Is she letting anyone down if she doesn’t work on that Double Axel? Should she quit or should she stick with it? What might help her conquer her fear of jumping? What advice would you give L.A.’s parents or coach?

Thanks, L.A., for sharing this question. If you have a question for Ice Mom or a dilemma for the Advisory Board, let me know. If you have a suggestion for a blog post you’d like to read, e-mail me that, too! I’m going through my e-mails, but I’m behind. I’ll get to them all, though, I promise! IceMom.Diane@gmail.com

Photo credits:

IMG_0766: celineon / Celine O’Neill

1. Fears: Stephen Brace

No Fear: The 5th Ape / Jamie Campbell

Coach Coates is a yeller. He yells constantly during practices and games. He yells at his players and criticizes them when they do things wrong.

He even yells when they seem to be doing things right. His teams consistently have winning records, and as far as you can tell, the players seem to handle the yelling without getting down on themselves or each other.

I’m sure you know Coach Coates. At your rink she might go by a different name, but you can sure pick her out of a crowd. Her figure skaters are successful, they’re motivated, they work hard.

Well, they’d better. Or Coach Coates or whatever her name is will totally yell at them and humiliate them on the rink.

Think Mom and Dad will stick up for the kid? Um, no. They’re totally on Coach Coates’ side. “Toughen up,” they tell their kids, and then laugh and talk in the lobby.

So, I’d like to hear from everyone on this. I know that Coach Coates reads this blog. I know that her parents do. I know that parents who didn’t choose Coach Coates read. Here are the questions:

• Is Coach Coates a good coach? Why or why not?

• Would you want your child to play for this coach?

• Does his winning record excuse his yelling?

• Would your answer change depending on the age of the athletes?

Thanks to Ask PCA Your Youth Sports Questions for this post idea.

Photo credits:
Cindy and her amazing tonsils: rochelle, et. al. / rochelle hartman
UCLA Yell Leader: JMRosenfeld / J Rosenfeld
Silent, silent: sarihuella / sari dennise