ice&lemon

Let’s Play a Game

Steve Wooding — Mon, 12 Jul 2010 09:23:20 +0000

IN SHORT: People say life’s all about give and take. It’s not – givers and takers are game-players. Life is all about SHARING…

“Games are a compromise between intimacy and keeping intimacy away.”

[Eric Berne, 20th-century Canadian psychiatrist & author, creator of Transactional Analysis]

(1315 words – approx 7-12 minutes to read. It’s a long one this time!)

Last time we talked about the perils of running on empty and how important it is to take responsibility for refuelling before we hit the ‘red zone’ on our personal fuel gauge.

I promised this time we’d talk about the games people play – that’s not just other people though, it includes you – in order to try to get other people to meet their needs instead of taking responsibility for themselves and sorting out how to meet their own.

Obviously I’m not talking about board games or video games here, but rather games that involve mental and emotional manipulation. However, one really important thing to bear in mind is that more often than not, these games are not played deliberately, i.e. they’re not consciously chosen strategies. Instead they’re the unconscious mind’s way of trying to get a perceived need met by the shortest and quickest possible route that it’s aware of.

I’d just like to re-emphasise that first point before we go any further: people are usually completely oblivious that they’re playing these games, and may even wholeheartedly believe that what they’re doing is totally normal, logical and acceptable.

The second point I need you to get your head around before we get into the deeper stuff is that the type of games we’ll be discussing are what’s known as ‘zero-sum’ and ‘negative-sum’ games. In a nutshell, that means they’re competitive, i.e. the more one person wins in terms of support, time, emotional commitment, effort etc. the more the other person loses out or is required to give up. In the case of negative-sum games, both parties are losing out simply by engaging in it.*

You could think of it like two people arguing over how to divide a cake – the more one person gets, the more the other has to give up or do without and if they struggle over slicing the cake too much, some of it ends up on the floor so they both miss out.

Some of you may be familiar with or have heard of the field of ‘Transaction Analysis’ (TA for short). This is, in my opinion at least, a fascinating way of looking at the kinds of games people play, their motives for playing them and the structure of various classes of games. However, it’s a little beyond the scope of this article, but if you do want to know more, take a look at the Transaction Analysis Wikipedia entry as a good place to start.

We’re going to keep it a little simpler.

There are three basic roles we take or try to push others into taking, often unawares, in our interactions with others.

TAKER
SHARER
GIVER

You could also think of these as positions on a continuum that measures how selfish you are – how focused you are on meeting your own needs first vs. meeting others needs first – from totally selfish (TAKER) through balanced (SHARER) to completely unselfish (GIVER).

The definitions of these roles are fairly self-explanatory. A TAKER is seeking to have a need of theirs directly fulfilled. A GIVER is seeking to fill, or being forced to fill, a need someone else has expressed. A SHARER attempts to balance their own needs with those of others and seeks a way of filling both side’s needs at maximum benefit and minimum cost to all.

As you’re thinking about that now, you’ll come to realise that the best games are played between two SHARERs who’re looking to play in a positive-sum frame of mind. That means that they’re willing to give of what they can, and graciously receive what the other offers without forcing or demanding. Even if they have a legitimate need, it’s always phrased as a request, with an explanation if necessary, and they always allow the other person choice.

However, all too often we take the position of TAKER and focus on our own needs whilst trying to convince those around us to play GIVER for us. Sometimes we, the TAKER, masquerade as or even believe we are a SHARER or GIVER, but the giving is a veiled strategy to get a deeper need met with the minimum of giving on our part.

As human beings though, we’re quite selfish and when someone else tries to TAKE, we can try to TAKE too, resisting being pushed to GIVE.

For example, I recently came across a mother experiencing ‘empty nest’ syndrome once her children had gone through university and into working life, and who began first of all complaining to her husband that he didn’t appreciate her, and then complaining to her son and daughter asking why they weren’t married yet and that she’d love a grandchild.

It doesn’t take a genius to figure out that she was a TAKER masquerading as a GIVER. When her children were young she was a legitimately willing GIVER and SHARER, but since her children didn’t need looking after any more, she turned on her husband to try to get him to appreciate her care-giving, and her children to try to recreate a new version of the mother role for herself as a grandparent. All the time she was actually trying to TAKE appreciation from those around her – to force them to GIVE it – so she could feel she had purpose and meaning.

It should be getting obvious as you mull this over that the more strongly you take the TAKER position, the more you shove the other person(s) into the GIVER position. To compound the issue, even if we’re not consciously TAKING, the more we’re focused on meeting our own needs, the more likely we are to TAKE.

I mentioned before that you might not be consciously aware of game-playing, so how do we spot when it’s happening?

Well, there are two absolutely huge clues in the language we use when we’re interacting and they’re:

UNIVERSAL QUANTIFIERS – making one time or a few examples true of all cases or all time
MODAL OPERATORS OF NECESSITY – giving the impression that some course of action is imperative or vital, or the only sensible one

OK, so I realise that those are fancy expressions that come from logic and linguistics (and they’re part of the NLP language model too), so let’s simplify them:

Using expressions such as, “You’re always…”, “You never…”, “Every time you…”, “Why don’t you ever…”
Using expressions like “I need you to…”, “You have to…”, “You should…”, “You must…”

SHARER language is much more about explanation and choice – “I’d like you to… because…”, or “I’m wondering if you’d… ?”, “Could you… ?” And instead of those ‘always’ and ‘never’ words, they’re more focused on here and now or the future rather than the past.

So, here’s my fairly simple challenge this time:

Start listening to yourself during conversations, especially discussions and arguments.
For example, you might be arguing with a friend who’s late for something you had planned.
Notice when you’re using the kinds of expressions listed above – where you’re using TAKER language and therefore game-playing.
For example, you might say “You’re always late – you never let me know!”
Ask yourself, at the time if you’re aware enough, what need of yours you’re trying to get the other person to meet or fill.
For example, you might feel you might miss whatever you had planned, or you feel unappreciated because they didn’t let you know. You may feel let down because you’d organised it and they didn’t bother to turn up on time, or perhaps even worried, wondering what might’ve happened that’s made them late.
Change your language to that of a SHARER, and notice what happens.
For example, “I got a bit worried when you didn’t turn up on time – could you let me know next time if you’re delayed?” or “Is everything OK – we’d planned to meet at 8 and it’s 8:30?”

Remember, despite what people might believe, life is NOT about GIVE and TAKE – it’s about playing the SHARING game.

Until next time,

*As you might expect, positive-sum games are often more collaborative in nature and when played properly are of benefit to both sides.

Tea Bags and Toilet Paper..!

Steve Wooding — Tue, 01 Jun 2010 10:25:50 +0000

IN SHORT: No matter what our life is like, we all need to watch for signs we’re running low on fuel, and take steps to recharge. But first of all we need to know what we’re watching for…!

“Real difficulties can be overcome,
it is only the imaginary ones that are unconquerable.”
[Theodore N. Vail, 19th/20th century US Telephone Industrialist]

(1181 words, approx. 6-10 mins to read)

Have you ever, like my unfortunate self a few days ago, experienced the frustration of going to make a much-needed cuppa and found the cupboard totally bereft of tea bags..?

Or maybe you’ve faced the predicament of running out of toilet paper at a crucial moment (!) and found that there were no more rolls in the house bathroom..?

Perhaps you’ve taken a chance and driven somewhere important in your car even though the petrol warning light was on..?

For whatever reason, you’ve ignored the fuel gauge dipping into the red and the warning light, left it ‘til later to re-stock when you pulled the last roll out of the cupboard, or forgot to call in at the shop on the way home when you noted that morning that you’d used the last bag. Whether by conscious decision, forgetfulness or just simple laziness, you’ve taken one of the most common and yet potentially frustrating routes in life –

Running on empty.

You probably don’t need me to tell you that running on empty can a dangerous thing to do, but we do it all too often – I know I’ve done it more times than was sensible.

Let’s stick with the ‘fuel warning light on’ scenario for example – what if I took the chance but then forgot something important and had to return for it, or there were an accident or road-works on the way that required a significant detour? I run the increasing risk of not making it to my destination.

And if I was supposed to get there for an important appointment or event, the consequences of choosing to run on empty could be multiplied even further.

But as well as literally running on, or close to, empty, we can often let ourselves do the same in a metaphorical sense – physically, emotionally and mentally.

For example, have you ever had several late nights in a row even though you had to be up early and on form for work or something even more important the next day..?

Or bought something large that you knew you couldn’t really afford but you decided you wanted anyway..?

What about staying in a relationship that, no matter how much you seemed to give of yourself, gave very little or nothing in return..?

Or turned up to a sporting event having done little or no training and hope you can still finish in a competitive time..?

Then there’s perhaps the most common of all in my circle of contacts and clients – finding yourself working longer hours, not eating well and sleeping less, still hoping in vain that you can ‘work hard, play hard’ but instead finding yourself getting more and more tired, stressed and your performance dropping..?

All these are examples of situations that can get you running on, or close to, empty in a mental and emotional sense. I’m sure you could think of other examples too if you take a moment or two…

In each case the risk is the same, metaphorically speaking, of driving with the petrol warning light on – you can’t handle anything extra or unforeseen that comes your way. On top of that, the longer you do it, the more you chance not being able to handle your usual routine effectively either.

You’ll find general tiredness hits first, accompanied by an increasing difficulty in focusing your attention or thinking clearly. This is followed by irritability, lethargy and frustration. If you still ignore the warning signs, as I’ve seen far too many clients do, inevitable physical and emotional exhaustion follow, and even illness and depression.

In a moment I’m going to ask you two questions.

However, as you’re pondering your answers, it’s worth reminding you that although there are some common symptoms to chronic stress, many of which I’ve already mentioned, there are other subtle clues that are more unique to you. These clues begin to emerge as you enter the ‘red zone’ – that bit of the fuel gauge the needle passes through before the warning light goes on.

The problem is that we often don’t spot these little signals and we wait until the warning light goes on – we wait until things have gotten more serious than they needed to. That’s what the first question is about. The second is about what you do next…

So, here are the questions:

1. How do you spot when you’re in the ‘red zone’ – before your fuel warning light goes on..?

Think back and remember the last time your ‘fuel warning light’ started flashing – what was changing before then – how had your usual routines begun to shift, your normal patterns of behaviour begun to change..?

For example, perhaps it was several sleepless nights in a row, or your appetite was affected? Perhaps you found yourself needing a drink at the end of the day more frequently, or losing interest in thing that you used to be enthusiastic about? Maybe you found yourself losing interest in things that you’re usually enthusiastic about, or finding yourself getting easily distracted? Or, like some people, you find it harder to concentrate or think clearly? Perhaps things that you usually aren’t too bothered about begin to niggle more than normal? Or you begin to let your usual routines slip?

Whatever it is, whether it’s on that list, or something else, these shifts in normality are the ‘red zone’ indicators – signs that it’s time to do something before you’re running on empty.

2. What do you find recharges your batteries – makes you feel truly refreshed, centred and ready to go..?

Now think back to times that you felt focused, motivated, engaged in your work or personal life – what had you been doing before then..?

The reason for asking this question is that, even if we’re doing something that might normally engage or interest us, when we’re running on empty even those activities seem to drain us.

For example, it may be that (like me..!) you need time alone without interruption to recharge. Others may need the relaxed company of friends or family. It may be that exercise helps you clear your head, or reading something totally unrelated to your work. Perhaps you enjoy other activities such as walking, or a long soak in the bath.

When you begin to spot those things that you realise refuel you in a mental and emotional sense, you need to do one more thing…

PROMISE YOURSELF that you’ll schedule time for those activities on a regular basis, rather that wait until you absolutely have to do them.

Just as we should top up the petrol in the car, stock the cupboard shelves and charge your phone before we need to, the same is true for ourselves. Ultimately, however, we need to decide whether those situations which make it tricky for us to schedule recharging time in, or constantly ask more of us than they give back, are worth remaining in at all…

And next time we’ll discuss the psychological games people play to get others to meet their emotional needs…

Until then,

The Potential of Forty-Five Euros

Steve Wooding — Tue, 01 Jun 2010 08:44:30 +0000

This morning I’m sitting in Starbucks finishing off a few articles that I’ve so far not managed to finish. However, I remembered that I had no cash in my wallet when I left home this morning…One of the errands I needed to tick off today was posting a mobile phone back to Orange (long story…) and as I got my wallet out to use a debit card to pay for the postage, I noticed in the corner of my wallet a few folded Euro notes, probably from our last overseas holiday or one of my business trips to Ireland. They’d been there unnoticed and unused for over a year!

That currency is pretty much useless in most UK stores, bar a few who’ll accept larger purchases in € from tourists etc.

£, however, ARE useful in the UK. But I had €…

Once I’d posted the phone, I went to the currency counter just a few feet away in the same post office and unfolded the notes. There were more than I thought – €45 in total… checking the exchange rate and commission, I realised I potentially had around £35 sitting there in my wallet.

I say potentially as that’s all those € were – POTENTIAL.

I needed to take action to turn them, to convert that potential, into something useful.

So at the currency counter I did exactly that, and a few moment later I had £35 in crisp notes in my wallet instead. I walked a block or two and promptly spent a few £ on the large Chai Tea Latte than I’m now sipping as I type…

Since I’m the thoughtful type I wondered what other stuff I’ve been carrying around with me, within me, unnoticed, untapped, perhaps for years, that it might only take a few simple decisions and focused action to turn into something useful..?

What about you..?

Magazine Interview – “The Virtue of Envy”

Steve Wooding — Fri, 07 May 2010 13:27:58 +0000

I’ve been interviewed and published in a short piece on envy and regret for “The House of Good Fortune” magazine – not sure about the possible psychic connotations of the publication title though..!

You can read it at http://bit.ly/cT7lOL and the article is on page 30.

“A Taste of Hypnosis” – next event

Steve Wooding — Tue, 27 Apr 2010 13:53:27 +0000

Reserve space in your diaries for 12:30 – 1:30pm on Tuesday 11th May – we have the second of our “Taste of Hypnosis” events!

This time we’re being hosted by Merseyside Play Action Council at their offices in Bridport Street, Liverpool (click here for a map). It’s within a hundred yards or so of Lime Street station, 1/2-mile from Queen’s Square and there’s parking nearby too.

All we’re asking is a £5 donation to our hosts, in return for what I’ve promised everyone who attends in our flyer here – A Taste of Hypnosis – MPAC.

To book your place, you can either email booking@iceandlemon.com, call or text on 07730 651618 or register on Facebook here if you’re definitely coming.

Cris-i-tunity!

Steve Wooding — Mon, 26 Apr 2010 18:53:50 +0000

IN SHORT: Hiding behind every problem and issue we face in life is an opportunity for you to become something more than you were before. You can seek it, find it, take it and find yourself growing, or you can ignore it, miss it, throw it away and instead find your life shrinking…

“A man has no more character than he can command in a crisis.”
[Ralph W. Sockman, 19th/20th century theologian and church leader]

“A crisis is an opportunity riding the dangerous wind.”
[Chinese proverb]

[~825 words: approx 5-8 mins to read]

It’s amazing how much chaos one big cloud of dust can cause, isn’t it!

If you aren’t aware of what I’m referring to I can only assume you’ve been off on another planet somewhere… that or not seen, heard or read any news of late about the Icelandic volcano that’s spewed a huge dust cloud into precisely the layer of the atmosphere that most of the inter-country air corridors occupy.

What I’ve found interesting though is the variety of responses I’ve come across from those affected by the airline chaos, and I reckon you can group them like this:

WHAT NOW..?
THE ANGRY MOB
MAKE THE MOST OF IT
GET THERE / BACK NO MATTER WHAT!

The first response, the WHAT NOWers are people who simply freeze in the face of problems and ask anyone who seems to be in a position to know more than they do for an answer to their dilemma. They are looking for someone else to fix the problem. It may be because they don’t think they can do anything about it, that the problems falls outside what they think they can handle or they just can’t be bothered do sort something themselves, but whatever the underlying reason they want someone else to sort it out.

However, they’re much more passive, or passive-aggressive in some cases, in getting that solution than the second group – the ANGRY MOB.

The ANGRY MOB is usually started by a few people demanding that something be done about the problem, essentially looking for someone to blame. From a handful of vocal complainers, it can escalate into something quite serious and in some cases violent. However, in this case, no human was responsible for the cessation of all air traffic around Europe – it was simply nature doing what it does. Unless, that is, you blame the people in charge who decided to keep the planes on the ground to prevent them from falling to the ground from a great height when the engines failed or, like many of the less scrupulous insurance companies and airlines, seek to blame God so you can get out of paying claimants…

The ANGRY MOB want the problem sorted out by someone else – the person they decide is to blame for it all – and are prepared to seek ‘justice’ (actually revenge) when they don’t get what they want.

The third group, the MAKE THE MOST OF IT people, are those who decided in this case that since they couldn’t get where they wanted to go, they were going to use the time enjoyably or productively, or both. Some did a little more sight-seeing. Some stayed longer with their friends. Some got more business done. The main point is that all of this crowd decided that rather than focus on what they couldn’t do, they focused instead on what they could do in the circumstances.

The final group, the GET THERE NO MATTER WHATers also focused on what they could do, but this time rather than decided what to do in the circumstances, they decided instead to change their circumstances. I actually met two Portuguese businessmen who were temporarily stuck in Liverpool, and found that they had decided to make their way to (I think!) Portsmouth, take a ferry from there to Santander in Spain and then hire a car and drive home. Those who read the news will know that actor and comedian John Cleese took a very expensive taxi ride halfway across Europe to get to his destination.

Take a look at those four groups again and you’ll realise if you’ve not already that the first two are trying to avoid doing anything to help. Despite all four groups knowing that the problem couldn’t be avoided, the WHAT NOWers and the ANGRY MOB want someone else to do all the work – they see it as a CRISIS for someone else to handle.

The second two groups are taking some responsibility for what to do next – they understand that there IS something that they can do and they then go about doing it. They see it as an OPPORTUNITY to do something.

Many of you may have heard or read somewhere that the Chinese word for Crisis is actually a blend of the concept of ‘danger’ and ‘opportunity’. Thanks to a few folk using this as a metaphor, and an episode of the Simpsons, the word ‘Crisitunity’ has entered modern parlance, though this is a paler shadow of the deeper philosophy behind the original etymology.

Within any danger, any problem, any crisis is the opportunity for you to act in a new way, learn something valuable, test and prove yourself, try a new approach – they all present the opportunity for growth.

Two of the groups of people I’ve referred to completely missed that. Two got it, but saw different opportunities in that crisis.

I wonder what you, if you’re honest with yourself, would’ve done?

Until next time!

Inspiration comes at odd times…!

Steve Wooding — Mon, 22 Mar 2010 09:55:39 +0000

I was out running on Saturday, feeling quite smug with myself at about the 6 mile point of a 9 mile route, when I spotted an old man up ahead. I’m assuming he was old – he appeared to be in his late 70s at a guess – and very frail as he was walking with one of those zimmer frames with wheels on, taking only a couple of steps at a time before pausing for a few seconds to catch his breath and then taking a couple of steps more. And I have to admit I felt slightly sorry for him.

However, as I drew closer, I spotted hanging from the frame was what looked like a fairly new plastic bag from one of the shops I’d passed earlier, about a 1/2-mile back, with a few items in. Making a few inferences from what I saw wasn’t too hard – I’m guessing of course but I reckon you’d come to a similar conclusion: this elderly, frail chap was making at least a mile round-trip to the local shops, despite it taking him several seconds for every couple of paces – much more than an hour at my rough calculations to get there and back.

As I passed him, my pity turned into a deep respect and I felt humbled and inspired. His trip to the shops was probably more physically demanding for him and took more will-power and determination than my 9-mile run. Puts things into perspective eh..?

I’m running the Liverpool 1/2-marathon this coming Sunday and every time I think I’m feeling the strain, or feeling a little too proud of myself, I’ll be thinking of that man’s shopping trip and just getting on with it!

Good Grief

Steve Wooding — Fri, 19 Mar 2010 20:04:59 +0000

IN SHORT: Losses, great and small, bring grief that if denied will lock us into limbo between past and future; we need to allow ourselves to accept the loss and grieve before we can move on to whatever life has in store next.

“You can clutch the past so tightly to your chest that it leaves your arms too full to embrace the present.”

[Jan Glidewell]

“There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief… and unspeakable love.”

[Washington Irving, 18/19th century American writer & author]

(1069 words: approx. 6-10 mins to read)

Roughly a year ago a good friend of ours told us she was dying. She has a terminal form of cancer, and the general prognosis was that she had until February this year left. She is still going and fairly strongly too, but as you may expect that announcement carried an emotional weight that many of her friends and family are still coming to terms with.

The time will come for friends and family to grieve, and grief is a good thing.

We all go through changes of one sort or another, changes that mean one phase or stage of our lives is ending and another is beginning. Just in case you’re wondering, I’m not talking about ‘this world’ and ‘the afterlife’ – I’ll leave that for sermons..!

What I am talking about are changes that mark a significant shift in the people we’re with, the place we live or work, or the life we lead in general. These changes can come from moving from one job to another or one home to another, as many of us have done. They can come from finishing a university course and leaving behind the lifestyle and friendships we developed. They can come from starting a family with the arrival of your first child, and the shift in priorities and lifestyle that come with it. And yes, they can come from losing someone significant in your life, whether through death or simply because they move away or the dynamic of your relationship changes in some way.

Whenever we lose something meaningful we experience grief, and grief is a good thing.

There’s a small problem though and it’s simply that most of us don’t associate grief with anything other than death, so we tend not to recognise it in other ‘smaller’ losses. But it’s still grief, just not as intense – a ‘little grief’ if you will.

Grief has a positive and useful purpose, despite it not feeling pleasant or positive whist you’re going through it. However, grief isn’t actually a single emotion – it’s a mixture, and grieving isn’t a ‘thing’, it’s a process.

There are three important steps to grieving, though they’re not necessarily separate stages and may overlap.

1. An emotional response to the loss

The emotion we feel during the first step is usually sadness – fairly obvious you may think. However, when you remember what you DO when you’re sad, it starts to make sense.

Sadness has us step back from our normal routine and spend time thinking about what things used to be like, before this happened. This gives you a chance to go over that stage in your life, that place, that relationship, and pull out of it all those things you want to carry with you. It’s almost like sorting through a room full of stuff to find the best, most useful bits and pieces, or looking through a pack of holiday photographs to pick the best ones and put them in an album. It gives us a chance to reflect and create positive memories.

Our sadness might also be preceded, followed by or mixed with anger and / or fear.

We may feel anger because we feel the loss is somehow unjust, unfair on us or them. Perhaps we may not understand at first how they could leave us, or because we couldn’t or didn’t control the situation. Maybe we blame someone else for the change that’s happening.

And fear can come simply because we’re not sure what the future will hold, or how we’ll cope without the person who’s left or the things we once had or did.

All these are natural responses and should not, indeed must not, be denied as and when they surface. However, when they do arrive they need to be handled carefully and appropriately. Otherwise emotions like anger, if vented and expressed without control, can cause unnecessary hurt and pain. They also need to be given adequate time to be processed, like a broken leg has to be set and given time to heal properly before trying to walk on it again – you risk breaking it if you’re impatient or deny what’s actually happening.

2. Uncertainty during the transition

Change or loss brings a period of transition which can either be resisted or accepted. Our natural tendency is to try to keep as much of life as possible just the same as it always has been, simply because it’s familiar and easy. But when change comes, especially when we lose someone close to us, life often changes radically and there’s only so much that can be maintained as it was before. The more significant a part of our lives was played by what we’ve lost, the less can be expected to remain constant.

Unfortunately, the longer we try in vain to hold on to a past that is passed, the more pain we cause ourselves and those around us who’re affected too. Instead we need to acknowledge that there will be some uncertainty as we work through the area of life that change, that loss, has impacted and discover what has to be let go of, what can be tweaked a little, and what can actually be kept.

However, it’s important for anyone grieving, irrespective of the ‘size’ of the grief, to have some continuity, to have something or someone that provides a thread of certainty – a rock of sorts – during the transition. This could be a person, a place, a routine, a faith – something stable that can be relied on not to change.

3. Acceptance of the new stage of life

As the emotions of grieving begin to subside, new patterns are slowly but surely established, and we start to move into a new stage or period in life. We develop an acceptance that this is the way things are now, that this is ‘normal life’. And that acceptance brings with it a transformation of the painful recollections of loss into positive, useful memories that we can recall with gratitude and perhaps even joy.

All this takes time. But most important of all, it takes an acknowledgement that you are grieving, no matter how small or large, how incidental or deeply intense it may seem. The important thing is to allow it to take that time and to be patient with yourself.

Above all, grief is a sign that you care, and that can only be a good thing.

A Taste of Hypnosis – Liverpool Event

Steve Wooding — Mon, 15 Mar 2010 18:14:26 +0000

Liverpool Event Flyer

It’s happening..!

I’ve teamed up with Regus Liverpool to put on a ‘Taste of Hypnosis’ event in support of Marie Curie Cancer Care.

It’s on Wednesday April 14th, from 12:30 – 1:30pm – a lunchtime, so you needn’t take time away from work.

We’re holding it at the Regus Liverpool Centre, Horton House, Exchange Flags, Liverpool L2 3PF.

In return for some fantastic insights into how your mind works and some simple demonstrations of how hypnosis can help you personally and professionally, all we’re asking is that you bring a £5 donation to Marie Curie Cancer Care with you.

We’ve had enquiries about this event even before we announced the details, so we know it’s going to be popular. However, there are only 20 places to be had which means you MUST pre-book, either by emailing booking@iceandlemon.com or calling 07730 651648 immediately!

Click here for a flyer and more information.

Remember – places are limited so book now.

Memories start in the womb

Steve Wooding — Tue, 09 Feb 2010 10:00:14 +0000

Research published last year and summarised in this article in the latest issue of Scientific American Mind shows that developing babies begin forming memories before they’re born, including voices, music and even threatning vs. safe noises. This supports what many therapists and other personal development specialists have suspected for years – that [...]

read the rest... →

The Wholly Trinity of Success

Steve Wooding — Mon, 08 Feb 2010 19:02:57 +0000

IN SHORT: Stubbornly banging your head against a brick wall isn’t going to knock it down – you’ll just end up with a headache and a wall still standing.

“The bend in the road isn’t the end of the road unless you refuse to make the turn.”

[Anon]

(910 words, approx 5-8 mins to read)

A few weeks back, when the snow and ice in Liverpool was pretty much at its worst, I took to the road on my mountain bike, suitably prepared and wrapped up warm, in order to get to a client meeting.

Odd, you might think, but remember that a significant fraction of the nation seem to have forgotten the ‘can do’ spirit of previous generations and decided not to venture off the couch to seek alternative ways of getting around, particularly to work.

I wasn’t going to let a client down, so made the 15-mile round trip with the occasional sketchy moment but nothing too serious. Other, that is, than the seeming lack of flexible driving skills of a major proportion of the road-users out there!

Many seemed to have totally forgotten the simple fact that you just can’t drive on a snowy, icy road the same way you do when it’s dry. I saw people frantically spinning their wheels, foot hard on the accelerator in vain attempts to get some traction, despite it being obvious that it wasn’t going to happen. I saw people using their brakes too soon or too hard, only to slide gracefully askew across the road, instead of using their gears to slow down properly. I’ll even admit to smiling smuggly to myself as I sailed past an Aston Martin Vanquish while the driver failed to make any headway at all up a hill and the passenger had to get out and push!

This was all a vivid illustration of the 3 factors that affect your outcome in pretty much any situation in life:

The results you’re after – WHAT you define as ‘success’

The behaviour you’re engaging in – HOW you expect to succeed

The context you’re in - WHERE you’re trying to succeed

In order to be wholly successful, this trinity need to be in tune or aligned to one another. You could imagine them as corners of an equilateral triangle (that’s the one with all sides the same length..!), all linked together. This ‘success triangle’ needs to remain balanced, so if one corner moves whether by your choice or not, it pulls the triangle away from it’s lovely equal-sided shape. To get it back to balance, at least one other corner must be moved. Let’s summarise that bit:

If the WHAT, HOW or WHERE changes,
you must change at least one of the other two
if you still want to succeed.

However, you have only a limited time to make that change – if you don’t change one of the others by design, one of them will change of their own accord sooner or later in order to re-balance the triangle, and it might change in ways you may not like!

Let’s use the example of those drivers. Under normal conditions, the WHAT is simply getting from A to B, the HOW is by driving normally, and the WHERE is on a dry(ish) road.

However, with the road covered in snow and ice as it has been recently, the context – the WHERE – has changed. This means you can’t expect the old HOW to work any more – you have to change the way you drive quite a bit in order to still get the same WHAT – getting from A to B. Not changing the HOW means that, since the WHERE isn’t changing, the WHAT will change all by itself, i.e. you won’t get anywhere!

The most common combination in life though seems to be that people want different results, but keep doing the same things in the same places or with the same people, that is they want the WHAT to change without anything else changing … and as we’ve already discovered, that’s just not possible.

Relationships are a fine example of this – there’s something wrong – the WHAT isn’t right, but both partners stubbornly refuse to change how they’re interacting with each other, often expecting the other person to change, i.e. they won’t change the HOW. The usual outcome is that pretty soon the WHERE shifts all by itself, i.e. the relationship doesn’t exist any more! And if you’re not in a relationship but wanting one, the same three factors still apply too…

Another great illustration is one of my friends who has come to the conclusion that because of the all-round lifestyle she really wants – a different WHAT – she’s going to change the WHERE in her life by moving to another country where that lifestyle is easier to create. It’ll be a big change but she believes it’ll be worth it. Several other friends have changed their work WHERE by moving to a different company to get the WHAT they want; in some cases the WHAT was a promotion, whilst for others it was a better working environment or culture, less travel to work, or better pay.

I’m sure you can think of other examples yourself too, from under-performing employees all the way to the recent recession.

Underpinning all of this, of course, is the foundation stone of WHY – WHY do you want what you’re wanting? WHY are you doing what you’re doing? WHY are you doing it in that particular context? But that’s a whole extra layer to ponder, so we’ll leave that for later, even though we’ve been there before…

The truth at the heart of all of this is that when you want something to change in your life – particularly if you’re looking for a better WHAT – you will need to change the HOW or WHERE (or both!) or you’ll get no-where, no-how…

Until next time,

2010: the Year of Health & Wellbeing

Steve Wooding — Thu, 21 Jan 2010 19:07:01 +0000

Many of you already know that 2010 is the official ‘Year of Health and Wellbeing’ in Liverpool, with businesses, organisations and individuals taking extra steps to help their employees, contacts, customers and clients and themselves make sure they get to Christmas 2010 in better shape than they started.

And I want to do my bit too. So here’s how I’m going to start the ball rolling!

I’m looking for city centre businesses and other organisations that value their staff and want to help local charities too.

As a local Liverpool hypnotist and personal change specialist, I’m making a tempting offer to city centre workers and I need a small favour to make it work.

I plan to run a series of ‘A Taste of Hypnosis’ sessions to introduce as many people as possible to the mental, emotional and physical ways in which hypnosis can help us all lead a healthier, less stressed and more balanced life at work and at play.

To do this I need training, meeting or conference rooms around the city centre that can seat 20 or more people. If you have one of those and are willing to donate it for an hour at lunchtime or after work, in return you’ll get the following:

The seats at the event will be charged a small fee, usually £5 or so – you, the donator of the venue, choose which charity gets this money – I will be not making any profit from this! If your business or organisation has a ‘charity of the year’ or has links with a charity, they get all the fees from the event.
However, as the donator of the venue, you will get up to half the available seats FREE of charge for your own employees. You can, if you want, charge a nominal fee for these seats too, to add to the charity donation you’ll be building.
You’ll also get publicity on all the promotional material for the event, including my articles and emails, website, Facebook, LinkedIn and Twitter feeds.

All I ask is that you use your internal and external contacts to publicise the event too so that you, your organisation and your chosen charity benefit as much as possible from this offer by filling your venue, and we’d like to collect feedback and contact details from everyone who attends so we can tailor future taster sessions, and our corporate and personal workshops and seminars, to best meet everyone’s needs.

If you’d like to do your bit for the year of Health and Wellbeing, get in touch – email me directly at steve@iceandlemon.com use the contact page on this website, or link with me via Facebook, LinkedIn or Twitter, or Skype Me and we’ll take the next step to making Liverpool the most mentally and emotionally balanced city in the UK!

DISCLAIMER:

This article is for guidance and information only and does not in any way imply or form part of a contractual agreement with Steve Wooding or ice&lemon ltd. whether you choose to donate a venue or express an interest in the ‘Taste of Hypnosis’ sessions. Please contact Steve directly via the above channels and the exact details can be discussed further.

How effective is hypnosis..? VERY..!

Steve Wooding — Mon, 18 Jan 2010 09:25:48 +0000

I’ve been asked quite a few times just how effective hypnosis is, and whilst I know the results are great for my clients, I decided to go hunting for some more widespread statistics. I found a great summary of a variety of research studies and surveys, and the bottom line is as follows:

For QUITTING SMOKING:

80-90% success rate
twice as likely to remain smoke-free after two years than self-quitters
3 times more effective than a patch, and 15 times more effective than willpower alone

for WEIGHT LOSS:

90% lost more weight using hypnosis
30 times more effective than willpower alone
double the weight lost over other approaches
changes maintained after two years

for MIGRAINE:

works significantly better than pain-killers

for PAIN RELIEF & RECOVERY:

post-surgery pain lessened and recovery speeded using hypnosis
fibromyalgia symptoms significantly lessened using hypnosis
significant improvements over pain-killers and other treatments
fractures heal 40% faster using hypnosis

for DRUG ADDICTION:

between 77 and 94% success rate for beating drug addiction using hypnosis
effects still holding two years on – clients remain drug-free

The summary, with links and references, can be found here – http://wiki.answers.com/Q/What_are_the_statistics_on_the_effectiveness_of_hypnosis

Refusing a Gift

Steve Wooding — Tue, 12 Jan 2010 19:27:26 +0000

I came across this fantastic quote today, courtesy of Clive Gott, from a conversation between Buddha and one of his followers:

“If I offer a gift and you refuse that gift, to whom then does the gift belong?”

The follower answered “It belongs still to you.”

“So,” said the Buddha “if I offer an insult and you refuse to accept it, to whom then does that insult belong?”

Pebbles (podcast)

Steve Wooding — Thu, 07 Jan 2010 15:42:47 +0000

This isn’t that new a tale – I first used it as part of a series of ‘Creating Calm’ stress-management sessions a few years back.

As always with metaphorical tales, it’s about whatever you take from it… enjoy!

DISCLAIMER:
Many of the stories and other audio files on this website are designed to be mildly hypnotic or engage your unconscious mind – you should NOT listen to them whilst driving, operating machinery or doing anything else that requires your undivided attention.

COPYRIGHT NOTICE:
All content on this website is © Steve Wooding. You are free to download a copy for your own use. If you wish to let other people listen please point them to this website to obtain their own copy. Any other use, distribution or copying is prohibited by law and may result in prosecution.

Distant Singing (Podcast)

Steve Wooding — Mon, 04 Jan 2010 21:39:18 +0000

A therapeutic and metaphorical tale about… well, I’ll let you decide..!

The Truth, the Whole Truth and Nothing But the Truth

Steve Wooding — Mon, 04 Jan 2010 15:56:27 +0000

“The truth is heavy, therefore few care to carry it.”
[Unknown]

“Men stumble over the truth from time to time, but most pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing happened.”
[Winston Churchill, UK war-time Prime Minister, politician, artist & writer]

(1228 words – approx 6-9 mins to read)

Well, that was 2009.

Since we ended last year with the theme of honesty, I thought I’d start 2010 on a similar note. I’ve got a couple of questions I’d like you to answer truthfully – I won’t make you swear to tell it, I’ll just assume that because you want to get the most out of this, you will be totally honest, at least with yourself:

QUESTION 1:
If you were to give the year of 2009 an overall score out of 10, what would you give it?

QUESTION 2:
If you were to give yourself a score out of 10 for your effort in 2009, what would you give yourself?

Just hold on to those scores for a moment while I remind you of something that lies at the heart of all personal growth and development -

CAUSE and EFFECT

This principle is part of the philosophy of personal power, and goes like this:

In my life I place myself at one end or other of the cause and effect scale.

I can take responsibility for my past, present and future choices and actions, and all their consequences, and so exist at cause.

Or I can give others the responsibility for what has happened, is happening and will happen to me and I exist at effect.

At effect, I rob myself of power and give it to others instead.

At cause I empower myself.

Let’s take this one step at a time and work through the implications here and as we do so, I’m going to ask that for the moment, just for now, you imagine that this issue is totally black-and-white with no grey areas – you can put the grey back in when we’ve finished, should you choose to, although I wonder if you won’t…

We’ll use a simple example, something that happened to me this morning – I made porridge like I do most mornings in the microwave, but this time it boiled over, resulting in me having to clean the microwave and wipe down the bowl before I ate my breakfast.

I could’ve blamed the microwave for being too powerful or not cooking my porridge like it usually does. I could’ve blamed the bowl for being too small. I could’ve blamed the milk for not being the same consistency as usual. I could’ve blamed the TV last night for being too engaging resulting in me going to bed later and not being quite awake this morning. In fact I could’ve found a huge list of possible objects and people to blame, placing myself squarely at the effect end of the scale. And pushing responsibility to something or someone else like this means I don’t have to change – they should!

However, this is a lie. The truth is that it was my fault.

Even though I put what I thought was the same amount of porridge in the bowl and the same amount of milk and set the microwave to exactly the same time, I could’ve easily varied the quantities just enough to make that difference between it staying in the bowl as it cooked, or boiling over. I could’ve watched it as it cooked to make sure it didn’t boil over, or I could measure the quantities more exactly next time.

Accepting responsibility for my mistake places me at cause. And, more than that, it allows me to look at what I could do to change the situation, to make sure it doesn’t happen again.

This may be a small and fairly trivial example, but the principle applies to larger events and choices too. For example, a good ten years ago I was involved in a collision with a car as I was riding home from work. The driver was at fault – he’d driven up the wrong side of the road as he turned into the street I was riding down. However, I realised as I thought about it afterwards that even though he’d been dangerously careless, there were a few things that I could’ve done or checked (which I now do!) that might’ve lessened the severity of my injuries, or prevented the collision altogether. The key is accepting my part, no matter how large or small, in the event and then learning from it – without that acceptance there can be no learning.

How about the breakdown of a relationship? Let’s say your spouse has an affair – surely then that must be their fault? Well, if you decide so and take the effect position, that means you don’t need to look at what you might’ve done (or not done) that contributed to them deciding to try to get what they felt they couldn’t get with you with someone else. However, if you take the cause position, and take a good honest look at yourself and the relationship, there may well be things you spot that, if you learn from them and change, may well prevent your next relationship from failing.

Or the subject de-jour for the new year – weight loss. If you’re overweight or unfit, you have to decide whether you’re going to blame chocolate, TV, the advertisers, the fast-food producers, your ‘big bones’ or genes, excusing yourself with the notion that you need to eat chocolate to make yourself feel better, or something else, for your problems, or grasp the truth that for most of us, barring serious disease, it’s your fault! Either you’re eating more than you need, exercising less than you should or a combination of the two. And without accepting your part in this, there can be no change.

Simply put, the difficult, often inconvenient and sometimes ugly truth is this:

Your life right now is a result of your own choices and your own actions

That includes those you’ve made, and those you’ve avoided making because you thought someone else should or it was easier not to. And even when you think you really can with total honesty and beyond any doubt justify blaming someone else for a particular event, you still have to admit that your response to that event is still your choice – whether to wallow in the negative and self-pity and drag yourself and others down, or to choose instead to look for the positive and move forward.

So what about those two scores I asked you to give 2009 and yourself? If you scored the year quite low, then you need to ask yourself how you let that happen, even if you gave yourself a high score for your efforts. If you scored the year reasonably highly, and yourself quite low then perhaps you’re not being quite honest with yourself about your contribution to the year. If your scores are pretty evenly matched, whether they’re low or high, then I’d guess you’re nearer the cause end of the scale and, if they’re both low, it’s time to review and make some changes. If your scores are both high then just carry on what you’ve been doing!

You see, the most fantastic thing about the cause and effect truth is that when you take responsibility for both your mistakes and your successes, you can’t help but grow and improve!

All of which implies that for 2010 to be the best it can be, you owe yourself the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth…

To Be Perfectly Honest

Steve Wooding — Fri, 04 Dec 2009 21:35:01 +0000

“The greatest way to live with honour in this world is to be what we pretend to be.”
[Socrates, 4th-century BC Greek philosopher]

“Truth fears no questions.”
[Unknown]

(912 words – approx. 5-8 mins to read)

Take a moment now to think of a few quotes or sayings you can remember about honesty.

Chances are at least one of them was “Honesty is the best policy” or something similar. But is it always what’s best?

We are all actually dishonest – deceptive – about three times in every ten minutes of normal daily conversation, according to psychologist and deception expert Paul Eckman. If you’re surprised by that, or perhaps insulted and would protest that you’d never be that dishonest, bear in mind that there’s more than one type of dishonesty.

For example, family members might use deception to keep a harsh medical truth from an elderly relative. A manager might fake pleasantries with those higher up the corporate ladder in order to maintain and advance their own position and power. Sales staff may masquerade as friends in order to sell things to customers. Many of us dress up and make sure we look our best on a night out, pretending to be someone we’re not in order to fit in to a social group, or to pull. We all use sarcasm, thinly veiled witticisms, cheeky retorts and other tricks of the tongue to hide our real thoughts and feelings. And I’m sure if you thought some more you’d come up with many other examples too…

According to the experts, there are three basic kinds of deception:

Evasion
Editing
Lying

EVASION is the technique we employ to avoid answering a question or query directly, and this can involve asking a question in return, protesting at being asked the question in the first place, changing the subject and a number of other tactics all designed to side-step being direct and honest in our reply.

EDITING is simply leaving out important details that are relevant but haven’t been directly asked for, or very carefully rewording happenings or opinions in order to, again, avoid hurting someone’s feelings or escape being caught out. This is sometimes referred to as ‘the lie of omission’.

Evasion and editing are the techniques we use most frequently to deceive, usually to either avoid hurting someone’s feelings or to escape being caught out. Just take a moment to think now about how you might reply if, for example, a friend has bought some new clothes and is quite excited about them but you don’t think they suit them and they ask you, “So, what do you think?” I’ll bet there’d be a hefty dose of evasion and editing in your reply if you value that friendship at all…

Outright LYING, on the other hand, is saying something that is definitely not true, whether it’s about events or opinions. There are, however, two kinds of outright lie:

Firstly, there’s the deliberate lie – a choice to mislead by telling someone something false, whether it’s about events, e.g. “I was working late at the office” when in fact you’d gone to the bar with one of your attractive colleagues, or your opinions, e.g. “It looks fantastic!”

The second form of lying is what’s known as ‘confabulation’. This happens when we confuse similar events with one another, or we mix imagination with reality. Elizabeth Loftus (another psychologist and expert in memory and eye-witness testimony) also found that we ‘fill in’ gaps in our memories of events with what might reasonably have happened, we imagine happened or wanted to happen, or with what other people have told us happened, and then we repeat it as ‘the truth’, despite it having been more of a ‘join the dots’ effort!*

Having read all this, you’ll no doubt be realising that deception and lies tax our minds in ways that simply telling the truth doesn’t, such as remembering the story we’ve spun so far, or having to reword everything we think before we say it. Yet we still choose to deceive, so why?

Well, as with most behaviours, it’s learned during early childhood when we first begin to acquire language skills and realise that what we say and what really happened don’t have to match. We realise we can avoid punishment, shift blame, receive extra attention or praise, manipulate relationships of our own and even between other people. That choice to deceive is usually based on a risk vs. reward balance, with questions like:

What could I gain from this deception?
What could I risk if I lie?
What could I risk by telling the truth?
What benefit might there be in being open and honest?
What do I risk if my deception is discovered?

Although we’re usually well aware that there are risks to deceiving, whether we like it or not there are actually risks to being perfectly honest too, especially if that honesty is unfiltered!

So are there any aspects of life that might actually be easier and simpler if we were perfectly honest with everyone? Or if we were perfectly honest with ourselves?

With Christmas rapidly approaching, I’ll leave you to ponder that last question until next time!

____________________

* Perhaps more worryingly, confabulation can also occur as False Memory Syndrome, where people come to believe, usually through so-called ‘recovered memory therapy’ that their current personal issues were caused by some trauma or abuse that happened during their childhood when in fact the ‘memories’ were actually created during clumsy use of therapeutic techniques.

Unploughed Ground (podcast)

Steve Wooding — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 14:18:57 +0000

A tale of opportunity, potential, focus, action, investment, success and reward…

A Passionate Obsession

Steve Wooding — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 17:50:33 +0000

“When work, commitment, and pleasure all become one and you reach that deep well where passion lives, nothing is impossible.”
[Various attributions]

(1208 words; approx 6-9 minutes to read)

Have you ever been so focused on and driven by something it bordered on, or perhaps tipped into, obsession?

I’d assumed I’d written all I could about desire and focus for the moment, but then I found myself listening to an interview with Ellen Macarthur (now a Dame) – famous for her solo sailing exploits and many sailing-related records, including breaking the women’s world record for circumnavigating the globe solo at the age of 24, and both the men’s and women’s record four years later.

During the interview she talked about how she had become obsessed with sailing after her first time in a boat at the age of four. When she, later on but still a child, decided she wanted her own boat, she even saved the change from her school dinner money in order to buy one, making choices as to what she’d have for lunch based on maximising the change she’d get.

She recounted how she’d save the coins in a pile on top of her money box until it reached £1, then put it inside and start a new pile, crossing off one of 100 squares she’d drawn on a sheet of graph paper. When she’d crossed off 100, she’d take the money to the bank and put it in her savings account. She wasn’t from a rich or privileged background – far from it, and it took her the better part of three years to save the £535 she needed to buy that first sailing dinghy.

Whilst saving, she pored over magazines and catalogues, sailing when she could – essentially she immersed herself (no pun intended!) in the world of sailing and focused every available shred of her time and efforts on it.

Then there’s an old friend and ex-colleague of mine, Matt. He’s a Watford FC fan. However, the word ‘fan’ is a far from adequate noun to describe what Matt actually is, which is without a shadow of a doubt, truly, deeply, almost worryingly, obsessed. He’s been writing match previews and reviews since long before I first met him, and more recently authored “Watford FC – On This Day“, a book packed full of fact and figures only made possible by that obsession. (In case you’re sceptical, or curious, it’s for sale on Amazon – click here – and the last time I checked it was in the top 20 best-sellers in the football reference category, and in the top 12,000 of ALL the books they sell..!)

I have to admit that I myself have been mildly obsessed with a variety of thing in the past. (I use the word ‘mildly’ as I’m not sure any of my fields of focus come close to the intensity of Ellen Macarthur’s or Matt’s, despite the expressions of incredulity that I can imagine now sitting on the faces of those reading this who know me quite well…!)

My first computer took up huge amounts of my spare time as a young teenager, learning how to program, solve problems and work out how to make it do new, interesting things – an obsession that has been fantastically useful ever since. Writing music came in my later teens and early 20s, working and saving to buy my first music computer, drum machine and electric piano. More recently it’s been hypnosis and related psychological fields – reading, studying and training for years.

However, by now you may have a little niggle at the back of your mind, wondering whether my continuous use of the word ‘obsession’ is getting a bit too negative, oppressive even, and whether there’s some more positive phrase we could use? Of course obsessions can be bad for you, especially when we become obsessed with something that’s outside our control, or we become so consumed by the desire for a thing or person (sound familiar..?) we don’t make plans as to how to acquire it ethically and positively. Taken to extremes, obsessions can become pathological and negative compulsions that seem to take on a life and power of their own – that’s NOT what we’re talking about here.

Wonderfully, there is a much better expression we can use:

PASSION

You see, a passion isn’t something you do in your spare time, or that fits in with the rest of your life, it’s the inverse – it’s something that you fit the rest of your life and time around.

A true passion calls you to it the moment you’re not doing your basic ‘life management’ tasks, and even sits at the back of your mind while you’re doing those things too. A true passion eventually takes over and BECOMES your life, part of your identity. It’s the difference between, for example, saying “I’m a teacher” when what you really mean is “I teach for a living”, and saying “I’m a teacher” and feeling it, right at your very core – meaning it with every fibre of your being.

There are some useful lessons to learn from those who’re obsessed, and I’m going to take you through something that I did a while back and I’m still working through what happened – what I thought and felt. It’s just a simple series of questions to help you focus on what’s important to you and, perhaps, whether you could actually be more successful at some of the things in your life:

Pick something in your life which is ongoing and important to you, and perhaps where you aren’t experiencing the progress, success or results you’d really like. If there’s more than one ‘thing’ or area, focus on the one that would make the most difference if your progress was further, your success greater or your results better.
Now ask yourself the following questions:
- “If I was truly obsessed with that, truly passionate about it, what would I be doing differently?”
- “How much more time and effort would I spend on it?”
- “How much better would I be at it?”
- “How much further on or successful would I be?”
If you find yourself thinking, “Hmmm – yes, a bit of obsession might really work for me there!” you now need to ask yourself one last question:
- “How am I stopping myself from achieving what I want?“

That last question might seem a little odd, but if something is truly important to us, we can’t help get passionate about it. And if you aren’t getting passionate, perhaps it’s not truly important to you at all?

(If you still think it’s important to you but you can’t seem to get passionate about it, that’s an indication that there’s something deeper – a limiting belief system or negative self-image that needs dealing with, but that’s beyond the scope of a simple article like this.)

It’s an inconvenient but undeniable truth that in the end, all that’s stopping us from achieving what we realistically want is ourselves, usually because we’re allowing other things to distract or get in the way, diverting, maybe even wasting, our attention and effort elsewhere.

Obsession is the only explanation for many high achiever’s levels of extraordinary success.

So, my friend… what are YOU going to get obsessed with, passionate about, so you can reap the rewards of extraordinary success too..?

New Scientist Article on Hypnosis

Steve Wooding — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 17:33:01 +0000

Last week’s New Scientist has an article on the reality of Hypnosis vs. just imagining or playing along – http://www.newscientist.com/article/mg20427291.200-look-into-my-eyes-the-power-of-hypnosis.html?full=true, citing a number of experiments and research studies that show how hypnosis can change the function of the brain!

The Final Act

Steve Wooding — Fri, 25 Sep 2009 18:59:34 +0000

(831 words, approx 5-8 mins to read)

(This article appeared in issue 13 of ‘Liverpool Lifestyle’ magazine from Aintree Publishing – the version here is a slightly different draft to the magazine article, which can be viewed at http://bit.ly/yRjnu)

I’d like to talk about New Year’s Resolutions.

Yes, I know we’re not even into autumn properly yet and Christmas is still months away, but bear with me and I’ll explain myself in what follows.

You see, I think we have it all wrong when it comes to New Year’s resolutions.

If this year was a play or movie, at this point in time, heading towards the last quarter of the year, we’d be just at the beginning the ‘Final Act’ – the little quiet before the most exciting bit.

Even if you aren’t a student of the dramatic arts, you may well still be aware that for most stories there are there three main ‘acts’ or sections.

The first act introduces us to the characters in their everyday situations and then leads us through how they connect with one another in some way around the story’s main theme. The second act then involves how the characters are called, pulled or even forced from their usual, normal lives into a new situation – a situation that makes them question their behaviours, beliefs and values or even their identity, and they have to grow or change in some way to succeed and move on, or sometimes just to survive.

In many of our favourite tales there’s also an ‘inversion’ or crisis – a point at which deep doubts creep in, emotions are high and it looks as though all may be lost. Often the heroes of the story realise that they need even more determination to get through to the end than they first thought.

And then, just before the third and final act, there’s a slight lull or dip as the protagonists gather themselves and plan for a decisive push to the climactic moments and the denouement (a flashy word for the ‘happily ever after’ bit) to follow.

That’s where we’re at now in our annual calendar – the little quiet before the final push.

You see, in those great movies it’s NOW, in that little quiet, the strategy is put together and commitments are made to create the success that the major characters desire.

(If there’s a sequel to follow, it’s also in this final act that the seeds for that begin to be sown and hints made as to what might be in the next instalment too.)

It’s rare, if ever, that true plans are made at the very beginning of the story and, if they were, they’ve more often than not been abandoned by the second act because they weren’t relevant or meaningful in their new situation. More to the point, if you think about your most cherished movies or plays, the plans that finally succeed are often quite the opposite of what the main character would’ve come up with at the beginning, without the experience of the story.

When it comes to New Year’s resolutions – the beginning of the movie of your life for the year – how often have you abandoned plans made in January by the ‘end of the first act’ or before..? Be honest now…!

I think it’s because they’re made in a rush at the wrong time, after the madness and excitement of the holiday season, or they come from the way we’ve been thinking in previous years. Too often we tend to assume that life carries on from year to year in roughly the same way, so we don’t give enough thought to our resolutions and plans for the coming year – we don’t really stop and think about whether they’re what’s truly best for what we really want, or whether we’re just doing them because we think ought to, or because they’re fashionable and other people are doing it.

Instead, I reckon the best time for planning those resolutions for next year is right NOW.

We’ve had the first and second acts to reflect on already and there’s often that little lull in our lives post-summer (unless you’re a teacher, in which case, a few weeks back might’ve been more suitable- sorry!) We now know what’s worked so far and what hasn’t and are probably better placed than at any other time of year to decide what’s best to do for the year’s final act and make plans for our sequel – 2010!

There’s also another great reason to sort out your plans and begin to take action on them now: when it comes to the end of the year, you’ll already have done something and built some momentum up so that, even if you coast through the holidays, it’ll be so much easier to get going again in the New Year.

So, how will your story of 2009 end? “Happily ever after”..? “To Be Continued”..? or perhaps some other way that, as you think about it now, would set the scene for a sequel like no other?

Remember, it’s your story, so it is entirely up to you.

Just do yourself a favour and make that choice now, in the little quite before the final rush.

Article in Liverpool Lifestyle magazine

Steve Wooding — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 13:35:19 +0000

Steve has an article on New Year’s resolutions (yes, perhaps an odd time of year to write about them, so read the article and find out why..!) published in the latest issue of Liverpool Lifestyle magazine. You can read it here: http://bit.ly/yRjnu

The Power of Focus

Steve Wooding — Tue, 01 Sep 2009 19:55:52 +0000

“One reason so few of us achieve what we truly want is that we never direct our focus; we never concentrate our power. Most people dabble their way through life, never deciding to master anything in particular.”

[Anthony Robbins, US self-help expert, author and adviser to leaders]

(1066 words, approx 6-8 mins to read)

In our last ‘slice’ we talked about AWAY-FROM and TOWARDS types of motivation, and I made the assertion that the only way to achieve long-lasting, fulfilling and satisfying results was to make sure that your motivation was mostly, if not fully, of the TOWARDS variety.

If you still haven’t quite got why, even after a quick reminder by re-reading the last slice if you need to, imagine trying to drive using only your rear-view mirrors, or trying to run somewhere with your head turned to look behind you all the time.

This time I promised to discuss with you how you make sure your motivation is of the TOWARDS kind, but before I get to that I need to chat a little bit about mountain biking…

Some of you may know that when I get the time I like nothing more than riding up and down bleak hillsides, across moors and hurtling along singletrack through pine forests. One of the first things I learned when I started, the hard way I might add, is how to avoid obstacles on the trail.

The vital element is to NOT look at the obstacle. Instead, you have to focus your attention on the gap that you want the bike to go through, the route you actually DO want the bike to take around or over the obstacle. The rule of thumb is that the bike goes where your attention already is – if you’re looking at what you want to avoid, you’ll hit it!

It’s all about FOCUS.

You could also think about taking decent photographs – even with today’s auto-everything cameras, you still need to make sure the central subject is in FOCUS, often by making sure they’re in the centre of the frame or telling the camera where they are.

Again, it’s all about FOCUS.

It’s your FOCUS that determines whether you’re AWAY-FROM or TOWARDS motivated. Remember though that what we’re talking about here isn’t just what your eyes are focused on – we’re talking about your mental and emotional FOCUS – what your mind and ‘heart’ are currently paying attention to.

As most of you may have noticed, our FOCUS is often a fickle phenomenon, flitting from one thing to the next without any apparent rhyme or reason. But with a little effort and gentle persistence your FOCUS can be pointed where you decide it should be.

Let’s start with a simple experiment. Read through the instructions below fully and then give it a go:

Take a deep breath and close your eyes

Make a clear space in your mind and focus on the number ‘1’ in whatever way seems most appropriate for you.

Breathe in and out in a relaxed manner and count each breath, focusing in each number in turn, i.e. ‘2’… ‘3’… ‘4’…

See how far you can count before anything other than the numbers and your breathing pops into your head. Be totally honest – even if your attention wanders for a moment, you have to stop and note how far you’ve managed to count.

Most people read the instructions and think this is a simple exercise, expecting to be going for a while. However, many are surprised when they don’t even manage to get to ‘10’ before their attention wanders. If you practise meditation or yoga you may find this easier, but most of us aren’t that well disciplined yet.

You see, our attention moves amongst a multitude of stimuli, from the outside world and our inner world too, like a searchlight looking for things to focus on. The search stops when we react emotionally to one of those stimuli, even fleetingly and from the depths of our unconscious – it can sometimes happen so fast we aren’t even aware of it.

If it happens to be a negative reaction, like anxiety, fear, upset, guilt, regret, or something along the lines of “Oh no…”, guess what..? – we have the basis for AWAY-FROM motivation. If it’s a positive feeling like happiness, contentment, satisfaction, desire (the good form – remember?), or something along the lines of “Ooo yes..!” then we have the foundation for the lovely TOWARDS variety of drive.

All too often though we get stuck at the “Oh no…” stage, and forget to realise that we can step beyond it, like I should’ve done on my mountain bike when I got a little too fixated on the rut across the trail instead of nudging my attention one step further to deciding how I needed to adjust my weight on the bike to make it over the rut safely.

It’s that shift of FOCUS, which may require a regular nudge, or the occasional heave, to the “Ooo yes..!” side – from what we don’t want to what we DO – that makes the difference between AWAY-FROM and TOWARDS.

Here’s one useful way to finding that FOCUS:

Pick a goal or achievement you desire

Notice where you’re FOCUS is – as you think about that goal or achievement, are you focused on avoiding something you don’t want (AWAY-FROM), or taking hold of something good (TOWARDS)? If you’re not sure, notice whether you’re thinking and feeling something negative or uneasy, or something wholly positive?

If you’re focusing on avoiding something negative, ask yourself the question, “Well, if that’s what I don’t want, what is it that I DO want instead?” and keep digging until you find that TOWARDS.

Once you have that positive ‘DO want’ in your mind, imagine it as rich and detailed as you can – bright colours, clear sounds, and notice what you’re feeling too – until you can’t help but respond with an “Ooo yes..!”

From now on, each time you may find your attention wandering when you’re working on the steps to that achievement or goal, nudge your attention back to the “Ooo yes..!” and hold that FOCUS until you feel that positive reaction resurfacing again.

Like anything worthwhile, this does take a little practice but then the day will come when you find you’ve done it without realising that’s what you did until it’s already happened. You can give yourself a head-start by practising the first breathing exercise on a regular basis, or even by picking one task each day that you will give your undivided attention to, and will commit to re-focusing on each time your attention wanders, until it’s completed.

It’s all about FOCUS.

Until next time,

Relaxation Affects Your Genes..!

Steve Wooding — Fri, 28 Aug 2009 09:53:14 +0000

Just found this article about a research study from Harvard that shows how relaxation techniques such as meditation can affect your body at a genetic level, enhancing your ability to stay well, fight disease, handle stress and even in some cases fight cancer and improve fertility.

Away-From & Towards

Steve Wooding — Thu, 06 Aug 2009 20:23:51 +0000

“Keep your mind on the things you want and off the things you don’t want.”

[Hannah Whitall Smith, 19th/20th century Quaker author and activist in the Women's Suffrage movement]

[I wrote about this general concept a good few years back now and touch on it every so often, but after the last two 'slices' on Desire here and here, it fits really nicely and will serve as a timely reminder.

What follows is, I realise, an over-simplification, but I’ll go ahead with it anyway because it’s often only through considering things simply that we uncover the most useful truths within…]

(1278 words – approx 6-8 mins to read)

What pops into your mind as you roll those two phrases around in your head:

“Away-From”..?

“Towards”..?

Some of you may have responded by imagining an episode of the Teletubbies, with Dipsy repeating each one in his sing-song tones whilst Po runs back and forth. Others, perhaps a little older, may remember clips from Sesame Street where expressions like this were played out on the TV screen with some stop-motion trickery and a bunch of enthusiastic kids. Whatever you’re imagining, whether it’s similar or utterly different, just let it run on in your head for a moment or two before we move on…

These two expressions actually form one of the central constructs that Psychometric Profilers and NLP people refer to as ‘Motivation Direction’. It’s an important concept that deals with how our motivation is raised and maintained in varying contexts, and in fact it’s vital when it comes to understanding why certain elements of our lives might be going well whilst other areas may range from ‘stable’ to ‘one step away from disaster’.

First let me give you an example: your health.

If you behave in a ‘TOWARDS’ manner in the context of health, you have a goal in mind, often fairly clear, of what you want to be like and make choices and take action that move you TOWARDS that goal. It might be to do with weighing a particular amount, being able to run a certain distance, get into a particular size clothes or even a particular item (e.g. a wedding dress), or something similar.

This means that when it comes to choosing what to eat, whether to exercise or not etc., you have your goal in mind and make dietary choices that support that goal. Yes, you may have the occasional slip-up as we all do, but the movement is generally TOWARDS your healthy goal, and behind that motivation is a positive emotion that draws you onwards and helps fuel each choice.

“Hang on a moment!” I hear a few voices cry, “Don’t we all do that anyway..?”

No, unfortunately not, and to give you a little more understanding, let’s consider the opposite.

If you behave in an ‘AWAY-FROM’ manner in the same context of health, instead of what you want, you have in mind what you want to AVOID, i.e. poor health. Instead of that representation of what you DO want to be like, you have a clear idea of what you DON’T want to be like instead. You may be wanting to avoid a condition or disease that someone close to you as succumbed to because of their ill-health, or a weight you don’t want to be, perhaps noticing that your clothes are getting a little snug, or just simply that you’ve decided that “I don’t want to be fat anymore.”

Each choice you make therefore is no longer motivated by something positive; instead it’s usually fear, perhaps tinged with guilt and frustration every time you slip up.

“Surely though,” you may say, “any motivation is good as long as you can maintain it..?”

And I’d agree wholeheartedly with you because that’s what creates the fundamental difference between AWAY-FROM and TOWARDS motivation. TOWARDS motivation has a destination in mind and motivation is generally maintained until that destination is reached. On the other hand, however, AWAY-FROM motivation only exists as long as the problem exists – as soon as you’ve moved just far enough to think you’ve got away from the thing you fear, motivation dies.

With the health example we’ve already touched on, someone AWAY-FROM motivated will maintain their new behaviours only until their clothes begin to feel comfortable again, or they feel a little better, and then the old behaviours creep back in and the cycle will repeat.

Here’s another quite serious example – relationships. If you’re TOWARDS motivated in the relationship stakes, you have in mind the kind of relationship you’re after (maybe even a particular person, in which case may I refer you to the last two ‘slices’ on Desire..?) and will work towards that, not settling for second-best and, if you’re ethical about it, not seeking to force someone you think you’d like to be with to become what you want either – instead you stop, take stock and move on.

If, however, you’re unfortunately AWAY-FROM motivated in the realm of relationships, you’re either motivated by avoiding being alone, in which case you’ll tend to settle for anyone that seems on the surface to be half-decent, or you’re motivated by avoiding a bad relationship and again will settle for anyone that doesn’t qualify as ‘too bad’. And in the usual cycle of relationships, the AWAY-FROM strategy often results in exactly the thing you don’t want to happen actually happening simply because you’ve settled for something just outside ‘poor’.

As you perhaps think about other contexts too – e.g. your finances, your career, how tidy your house is – you’ll begin to realise that there’s pretty much no way that TOWARDS and AWAY-FROM ideas can produce similar results; TOWARDS always has you pursuing your goal, whilst AWAY-FROM keeps you just one step ahead of failure.

There’s tons more I could say about this concept but the essence is that TOWARDS motivation produces better, longer-lasting, more fulfilling and satisfying results, whilst AWAY-FROM behaviour is only capable of producing short-term relief from an underlying, nagging anxiety about whether you’ve done enough for now or not.

And so to a bit of a challenge:

Pick the area of your life that you’re least satisfied with (if you’ve not already done it, you could take our active living survey…)

As you think about that area of life, what is it that you feel?

For example, it may be that money management is an issue, and you feel anxious as you think about it.

Ask yourself, “What is it that I want in that area of my life?”

Notice how you reply, and whether your answer is about what you DO want, or is about what you DON’T want.

For example, you may say to yourself, “I want a financially secure future.”

Now ask, “Why is that important to you..?”

Notice how you reply, and whether your answer is again about what you DO want, or is about what you DON’T want.

For example, you may say, “Because my parents had to struggle and I don’t want that to happen to me and my family.”

If both your answers have been positive up to now, ask again, “What is THAT important to you..?” and again note whether your answer is a DO want (a TOWARDS) or a DON’T want (an AWAY-FROM).

If all three of your answers are TOWARDS, there’s usually only one of two reasons why; either

You already have a goal and a plan in place for that area of your life and are currently working towards it but aren’t there yet.

You’re not being honest with yourself and are forcing yourself to try to be positive in order to avoid feeling anxious, guilty or afraid.

(If you did get three TOWARDS’s in your answers and you’re still convinced it’s not because of one of the above two reasons, I’d love to hear from you..!)

Obviously, if you got one or more AWAY-FROMs in your answers, that’s probably why that area of your life isn’t great and it’s time to get a TOWARDS mindset sorted out.

So how do we go from AWAY-FROM to TOWARDS..?

That’s what we’ll talk about next time. Unless of course you’re TOWARDS motivated about knowing, in which case you’ll get in touch before then or leave a comment below. Oh, and if you feel you’re missing out on something (AWAY-FROM), you can email me or comment too…

Until then,

Thinking vs. Doing

Steve Wooding — Wed, 01 Jul 2009 22:21:59 +0000

Just a quick post – I came across this old Italian proverb a few days ago – something to ponder about the need to follow your thinking with doing:

“A hundred wagon-loads of thoughts will not pay a single ounce of debt.”

Desire (pt 2): Going Deeper

Steve Wooding — Mon, 29 Jun 2009 08:42:37 +0000

“Apetitus rationi pareat” – “Let desire be ruled by reason.”
[Cicero, Roman author & politician, 1st-century BC]

(1093 words – approx 5-7 mins to read)

Last time we discussed how powerful an emotion Desire can be, how it’s useful when focused appropriately and how, when we allow it to lead us or even consume us, it can transform into something dangerous and debilitating.

I left you with a question, after the “What do you want?” and “What are you prepared to do to get it?” ones, which was:

WHY DO YOU WANT IT?

I do know from personal experience that this second question can be quite a big one to answer, so here’s another way of tackling it, based on what we all do when we think about something we want (remember, I asked you to try this last time – click here for a reminder) – compare our life NOW WITHOUT the object of our desire in it to what we think life will be like WITH it:

WHAT WILL HAVING IT DO FOR YOU?

When we’re brave enough to explore our answer to that second question, we may find that what we *really* want is not the object of our desire per se, it’s what we believe that possessing that thing, being with that person, is going to help us do, give to us, make us feel or turn us into, that we believe we can’t do, we can’t have or we can’t be without it. Let’s call it our ‘Deeper Desire’.

However, to get to that Deeper Desire we sometimes need to ask the question several times over, like this:

What is it that you want?

“I want a higher paying job.”

What will having a higher paying job do for you?

“It’ll mean I have more money.”

And what will having more money do for you?

“I can buy what I’ve always wanted then – designer clothes, a really nice car, a better house.”

So, what will having those clothes, that car and a better house do for you?

“I’ll feel that I’m a success – I can finally feel good about myself.”

Obviously there are a myriad of different ways in which this conversation could go from one question to the next. However, it’s that flow that ultimately drills down to our individual Deeper Desires, which in this example was to be able to ‘feel good about myself’.

When you take a few moments to think about this though, you’ll realise that what this particular person doing is making their self-esteem at least partially, if not wholly dependent on something external – a high-paying job, designer clothes, expensive car, big house etc. If those things go, for whatever reason, so does a large chunk of self-esteem.

If fact, making any value or belief about ourselves depend on external things creates a similar problem.

Thus we are inevitably led to a very meaningful and fairly inescapable point: although I can’t say that it’s true in every case, more often that not our Deepest Desires are things that we need to learn to stop looking for someone or something else to give us, and instead to turn our attention inwards, to figure out why we haven’t been able to, or learned how to, or don’t believe it’s OK to give that to ourselves yet.

You see it in the teen who decides they need a particular brand of shoes or hairstyle so they fit in with a particular group, when what they truly desire is a sense of belonging. But the best sense of belonging comes when we’re with people who don’t need us to change ourselves to fit in, doesn’t it..?

We see it in the 20- and 30-something singles who’ve decided that to complete their lives they need a relationship, but it’s often driven by a desire to feel that they matter, or that they are ‘normal’, like the rest of their friends. But they often forget that a person who doesn’t feel whole can’t contribute fully to a meaningful relationship because again they’re relying on something external – another person – to fill an internal hole, aren’t they..?

There are so many other examples too: stories of people who won the lottery and then were disappointed because they thought all that money would bring happiness with it, entrepreneurs who made a killing, football players who made it to the top, actors, singers and other celebrities who sought what they thought they desired in fame and fortune, only to find that success in and of itself is empty, and that their issues were just the same and just as personal and, in some cases, fame and fortune only multiplied their problems.

Oh, and just in case you were beginning to think that I’m against fame and fortune and success, I most definitely am not – I’d quite like a lot more of it myself in fact..! (And, of course the next questions is “So Steve, what will having that do for you..?” !)

The point I trust is making its way into your awareness now is this:

Most of our ‘Deepest Desires’ can’t be met by possessing, gaining or achieving.

They are, more often, met on the journey we make to that destination, when we learn things like “If I’m truly comfortable with who I am, I can ‘belong’ anywhere,” “Money can’t bring happiness, but it’s useful for finding more opportunities to create happiness, for myself and others,” “The more I focus on what I DO have, the less what I don’t have seems to matter,” or even “The more I try and fail, the more experience I pick up, and that brings me closer to a success I can maintain.”

Which brings me back to ‘purposeful and appropriate action’ – action that is informed by and focused on our Deepest Desire – the thing we’re *really* seeking, rather than just the original object, and this is action that’s more often focused on working on what’s INSIDE – our attitudes, beliefs, values and principles.

When we work on those, we often find that our surface desires – the things we thought would get us what we really want – either seem easier to obtain, or begin to matter far less.

That’s where reason comes in, to work our way through from the object of our desire to our real, deeper reason for wanting it.

And that’s the challenge I leave you with for now – to work your way through those three questions until you get to what you *really* desire:

What do you want?

What will having that do for you?

(repeat until you find your Deeper Desire)

What are you prepared to DO to get what you *really* want?

Until next time.

“It’s the Climb”

Steve Wooding — Sun, 31 May 2009 20:29:20 +0000

I ran the Edinburgh marathon today – toughest thing I think I’ve ever done so far actually. I didn’t beat my target time of 4 hours and, as I was driving back to Liverpool with aching legs and a sense of disappointment, a song on the radio caught my ear – “The Climb”. Yes, it’s teen-pop, sung by Miley Cyrus, but the words to the chorus struck a neat little chord:

Ain’t about how fast I get there,
Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side,
It’s the climb.

Lose weight while you sleep..!

Steve Wooding — Thu, 28 May 2009 15:09:15 +0000

I came across this article a while ago and thought I’d write a timely reminder of how your sleep (or lack of it) can actually affect your weight.

Researchers at Stanford and Wisconsin Universities have discovered through a series of experiments that sleep affects more than how tired we feel – it has a profound yet unconscious effect on our appetite.

Sleep affects the body’s production of two hormones that affect how hungry (or not) that we feel, and the less sleep we get, the more out of balance these two hormones get. What they found was that people who get around 5 hours sleep a night have significantly lower levels of the hormone that suppresses appetite (leptin), and significantly higher levels of another hormone that stimulates appetite (grehlin).

So, the more out of balance they get, the more our appetite increases, and the more likely we are to graze, i.e. nibble on stuff we can find in the kitchen cupboards or fridge. And we all know that we’re more likely to graze on snacky foods like biscuits, crisps and chocolate than on anything remotely healthy like fruit.

For people who only sleep around 5 hours a night, these hormones are out of balance by about 15% each – it might not sound like a lot but as far as your body is concerned, it makes a BIG difference. So much so that the researchers found that people who regularly sleep only 5 hours a night are significantly heavier than those who regularly make sure they get 8 hours sleep.

The researchers have pointed out that obesity tends to occur in societies where pressure to work long hours and socialise in the evenings is high. This, coupled with the relative ease with which we can find food, either at home or while we’re out, makes it even more imperative that we give our bodies as much of what they REALLY need as we can.

In this case, that’s sleep, and it’s up to each one of us as individuals to seek to do whatever we can to make sure that happens – and the more we do, the easier it gets.

I wish you pleasant dreams!

The Power of Desire (pt. 1)

Steve Wooding — Tue, 26 May 2009 17:16:36 +0000

“Desire is the key to motivation, but it’s determination and commitment to an unrelenting pursuit of your goal – a commitment to excellence – that will enable you to attain the success you seek.”
[Mario Andretti, Italian-born racing driver.]

“Desire is the starting point of all achievement, not a hope, not a wish, but a keen pulsating desire which transcends everything.”
[Napoleon Hill, 19^th/20^th century US author and presidential adviser]

“I stood, nose pressed up against the toy shop window, gazing through at it, my eyes tracing over each feature, every detail of it, until I could almost feel the surface under my itching fingers. Somewhere deep inside I felt a cavernous space open up, a void that happened to be exactly the same shape and size as the very thing I was fixated on. Right then and there I knew that, however long it took me, I would be saving whatever money I could – pocket money, birthday gifts, odd-job payments – until I had the amount that the neatly written numbers on the precisely folded card in front said would be required in exchange for this marvellous item.”

Have you ever wanted something so much you actually felt the want – that yearning, a hollow space that you knew could only, can only, be filled by possessing whatever, or whoever, was the object of your desire?

Maybe it wasn’t a particular thing, or person; maybe it was something you wanted to achieve – passing some exam, completing an event, reaching a goal or fulfilling an ambition? Or perhaps it’s a place you wanted to go, or still long to visit and experience for yourself.

Desire is an incredible feeling, a powerful mixture of emotion and tangible sensation too. It can pull us to make great sacrifice, to dare to attempt almost impossible feats, to risk embarrassment, shame and failure in the hope that we will ultimately make it, or them, ours.

Advertisers are well aware of this fact, and understand that, especially for higher cost items, desire is something that must actively and carefully be created and focused in order for a sale to be made – it’s the third step in their standard AIDA marketing model – Attention; Interest; Desire; Action.

They will go to great lengths to create that feeling, even if they have to borrow it from somewhere else and then associate it with the product they’re trying to sell you, hence the idea of celebrity endorsement (“I want to be like her, so I need to buy that”), focusing on our constant need for self-esteem (“I’ll feel better / more attractive / be more successful / have more friends if I have that”), or even appealing to our deeper values (“I’ll be a lousy parent unless I use those”).

However, it’s not just people who sell products or services who use this process. You only need to take a good look around an average city centre bar or club on a weekend evening to see that people use that same basic idea to advertise themselves too – Attention, Interest, Desire, Action.

I reckon Desire is a bit like a chainsaw though – when it’s used correctly, with due respect to its power and might, and a bit of training to understand how to utilise it well, it is fantastic, making what might be a tough job easier and, in some cases, quite exciting and exhilarating! However, if due care isn’t taken, no nod given to the inherent danger that lurks beneath the usefulness, or you allow yourself to get so caught up in the excitement and exhilaration that you forget what you’re actually holding in your hands, it can quite literally disable you.

Try this little bite-sized experiment:

Remember the last time you really wanted something or someone, as vividly as you can – what you were seeing, hearing, saying to yourself and feeling.

As you remember, notice first of all where you are aware that desire – what sensations are created your body and what kind of thoughts run through your mind?

Notice how much of those thoughts and feelings are to do with what your life might be like WITH that thing, or person, in it? What proportion of those thoughts and feelings are concerned with what your life is like WITHOUT that person or thing in it? And how much is simply that sensation of yearning for it or them?

The reason your body and mind create emotions is to draw your attention to a choice you have before you. Desire is an emotion like any other and it draws your attention to a choice centred on the object of your desire:

WHAT ARE YOU PREPARED TO DO TO GET IT..?

That is, what are you willing to let go of, to take on, to spend, to change, to sacrifice, to become, so that you can possess it, be with them, achieve that..?

Continuing our little experiment, do this:

Ask yourself what you DID in response to those thoughts and feelings of Desire you were reliving before. Did you just do pretty much nothing about it at all? Did you try to get what you wanted but eventually give up? Or did you take action until you got what you wanted?

Perhaps your ‘desire’ event was more recent, so I’ll ask whether you’re still just longing for what you want or in the process of working towards getting it, and are willing to keep going until you possess it?

Desire, like any other emotion, is also capable of ‘hijacking’ us. When given too free a reign, it can blind you to the reality of what’s required to fulfil it, or have you ignore some of the costs or other obstacles that may stand in your way – this is often how many people, less able to control it or unwilling to balance ‘want’ with ‘need’, end up in colossal amounts of debt with the “have it now, worry about how to pay for it later” mantra, or break the law by taking what is already someone else’s.

And when desire is focused on a person, dwelling on that deep longing for too long can blinker you to the reality that that there may be someone else already in their lives, or that they might not feel about you in the same way at all, no matter how much you want them – taken to extremes, this “they will be mine no matter what” obsession is the mindset of stalkers and sociopaths.

Remember that desire without action can be a serious issue to – it’s what lies at the root of empty daydreams, frustrated ambitions, unrequited love, and slowly drifting lives.

But when we can control and focus it though, desire can be a mighty ally, as long as it’s followed with purposeful and appropriate action.

So how do we know what ‘purposeful and appropriate’ action is..?

To really understand that, we first need to realise that it’s rare that we want something just for the sake of wanting it. Beneath the want is a second, perhaps more pertinent question:

WHY DO YOU WANT IT..?

… and that’s what we’ll investigate next time!

Unploughed Ground

Steve Wooding — Mon, 25 May 2009 18:13:16 +0000

To make the most of ourselves we need to invest in ALL of ourselves.

“Break up your unploughed ground, and do not sow among thorns.”
[Book of Jeremiah, Hebrew Scriptures / Christian Old Testament]

“Every loaf of bread begins with a seed sown and watered.”
[Unknown]

[1313 words, estimated reading time 6-10 mins]

I’m going to tell you a story, so if you want, I’ll give you minute or two to get a cuppa or whatever else you might need to help you get comfortable first.

Before we get to the story however, I’d like you to take a moment to think back to some of the things you used to do and really enjoyed doing, or have had the opportunity of doing but never did, whether you only have to go back into recent months and years, or further back to your youth or childhood.

Perhaps it’s a hobby or interest, a sports activity or social club, or even an aspect of your job or career, something you used to spend time on and loved, but have stopped doing or let go of. Or it could even be something you’ve always wanted to try, perhaps dreamed of doing, but never got round to.

And with those thoughts in mind, are you sitting comfortably..? Right, time for our story…

“There were once two sons whose parents died and left them some land that they had bought not long before they passed away – two sizeable fields, one for each brother. There were restrictions on the use of the land for ten years, which meant that until that time had passed, it could only be used for agricultural and related purposes.

The eldest of the two brothers was already settled with his wife and children in the city, and decided to hold the land as an investment and wait out the ten years for the land to appreciate in value, then sell it on. He visited the field only once, a few weeks after it became his, and let it out to a local riding stables for the horses to run and graze in.

The younger of the two, however, despite already being settled with his wife and family in a town not far away, made a different decision.

He visited the field often, sometimes alone and sometimes with his wife and children. They would often work on the land from dawn ’til dusk over the summer weekends, spending several weeks simply clearing it of weeds. Over the following months they turned it and dug it over, fed it with local manure, removed the larger rocks and stones until at last, near the end of the first year, it was ready for sowing with winter vegetables.

Within another two years, the younger brother’s crops from the field were selling sufficiently well in the local market for him to pay two locals to tend the field, work it and harvest the seasonal crops to take them to market for him.

And by the time ten years had passed, the younger brother owned a thriving farming business, having bought more local land around the region to expand his crops and employing over 120 people in the local communities to plough, sow, tend and harvest, package, transport and sell his fruit and vegetables all over the region. And even though he was still settled in another town, working there as he always had during the week, he and his wife and children were now well-known and respected in the surrounding villages.

The older brother, meanwhile, was keeping his field as a financial investment, happy with his small rental income from the local riding stables…

Near the end of the tenth year an unfortunate announcement was made by the local council and the Highways Agency – a new bypass was to be routed through the area that would cut across the two brother’s fields.

Obviously there was outrage and protest from the local community but despite all this the local council, with the weight of national government behind them, insisted and began to buy up the land that the bypass would occupy.

The older brother hired a legal team, first to contest the compulsory purchase of the land and then, when they lost finally to negotiate a reasonable price for the sale. He got less than he was hoping, but still the sale still provided him with a substantial return for his years of waiting and holding on to the land, and he’d had ten years of rental income from the local riding stables too.

The younger brother however, fared a little differently. Before he’d even had a chance to engage his own solicitors, the local residents had formed a support group and were gathering funds from across the region, starting with the families and friends of those he employed, and with growing sympathy and quiet assistance from some key members of the local council too.

Their legal team based their case on how essential the younger brother’s farming business had become to the local economy, from those who looked after his farm to those who eventually sold it in the markets and shops around, and even to many of the local restaurants and hotels who were using his locally grown produce on their menus, to great acclaim. They also managed to get exposure in first the local and then national media and support grew even more.

However, despite their best efforts and a drawn-out court-room battle, the government eventually won out. The local community and legal team had done a sterling job though, and the final negotiated settlement for the younger brother’s one field was nearly six times the amount his older brother had received.

In addition, in recognition of the immense value of his business to the region, the local council agreed to replace his field with a brown-field site only a few miles away and to cover all the costs in clearing, cleaning and returning the site to agriculturally useable land.

Since the younger brother had bought additional land over the ten years, the dip in his business, though not insignificant, was more than paid for by the subsequent rise thanks to all the publicity and support he’d received.

But each brother had started with exactly the same potential – a single, unploughed field.”

Just take a few minutes to yourself to allow your mind to respond to that tale in whatever way it does, and perhaps to re-read any parts of it that you feel you want to go over again.

I know from my own life, and the lives of many of my clients, that we all have some form of ‘unploughed ground’ in our lives – parts of us that could yield really significant ‘fruit’, real benefits for ourselves and those around us – if only we were willing to invest a little time in clearing, weeding, cultivating, nurturing, feeding and harvesting it.

It may be one of those activities I asked you to ponder before the story, or something else may have come to mind as you listened to the two brother’s tale; a talent that we once began to develop but abandoned in favour of other, more ‘sensible’ things, maybe something you’ve always known was part of you, but other people discouraged you and so you’ve left it untouched all these years, or even something you are doing right now but intermittently and without true commitment or enthusiasm yet but you’re realising that to make the most of it you really do need to give yourself the chance to make it work properly for you to yield the fruit you deserve.

Whatever it is, you have a choice, as you always have done and will do until you let something else get in your way again or life runs out, and the choice is simply this: you can clear the space, put your hand to the plough and break up the hardened soil, sow the seeds and let the sunshine and showers of life do their job while you tend the ground and the maturing fruit, or you can just sit back and do nothing much at all and spend the rest of your life wondering, “What if…?!”

Happy ploughing!

ps. One more thing I will point out if you’ve not spotted it already, is that although both brothers did get a financial return on their property, the second also created something much deeper and longer lasting, something that would outlive him, something that he could leave to future generations – a legacy.

How do you get it all into someone’s mind..?

Steve Wooding — Fri, 27 Mar 2009 21:50:05 +0000

Odd, isn’t it, how we manage to keep some shelves and cupboards reasonably tidy and others are a total jumble?

I was speaking to a legal boffin at a local networking group last week about presenting and public speaking and came up with a metaphor for one of the powerful techniques derived from hypnosis of creating speeches that really, truly work.

It’s a bit like filling an empty cupboard with stuff.

You can, if you want, just try to cram it all in there, and it may well fit too. However, you might not be able to get at the stuff you need to use most often, you may not be able to find that really important thing when you’re most in need of it, and you won’t be able to find what you need quickly either. You may not even be able to open the door without it all falling out all over you.

No. What most sensible people do is sort through all the stuff they want to store and then work out some system for putting it all in there so the most useful or vital things are easily accessible, and so that the order in which things are stored makes sense and makes it easy to find what you need when you need it. And they also DON’T put anything in there that isn’t of use any more, is irrelevant or broken or might’ve been interesting at the time but has no real practical use.

For a presentation or speech to work properly we need to go through the same process – create the right mental space in the audience to receive what we’re about to talk about, put all the things we offer them in the best places in the best order for them to access and use it and make it easy to sort through it afterwards, and just as importantly, we DON’T say anything that isn’t vital to the goal for our presentation.

However, if you want to know exactly HOW you do that, drop me a line at steve@iceandlemon.com and we can talk some more…