“Many of the faults we see in the outside world reflect hidden aspects of ourselves we won’t admit to. And many of the admirable qualities we see in the world reflect what we desire most for ourselves.” [Anon.]

(~1280 words – approx 7-10 mins to read.)

I do like to go to the cinema, especially when I know the movie has been designed to be a rich audio-visual spectacular as well as a great story.

Last week I ran a open workshop on the secrets of powerful communication and one of the elements that underpins all communication and indeed much of life in general is the concept of PROJECTION.

It’s a tricky concept to get your head around sometimes, but the movie analogy works nicely.

When you arrive at the cinema and sit down, the screen is blank. Once they start the film you see the movie on the screen in front of you. We’re all probably aware that it actually comes from a projector in a little booth at the back of the cinema, and is projected from behind everyone onto the screen. We don’t see the projection happening – it’s not as if we can see the picture flying over our heads before it arrives – instead we only see it once it hits the screen and we willingly buy into the illusion that is where it’s coming from.

But it’s not. Not really.

Now imagine this situation: you’re going to give a presentation.

This presentation is a biggie. It’s to an audience of several hundred people, and there’s a percentage of them that are very influential indeed. They’ll be sitting on the front few rows where they can get a clear view of you and where you can see them clearly too. Also in the audience are some renowned experts in the subject you’re presenting. You know that this presentation could have a significant effect on your career.

What are you imagining about that situation?

What are you feeling inside as you think about that presentation?

What are your thoughts and feelings about the audience’s perception of you?

Are you wondering about the influential people in the audience, or the experts, or others?

Now imagine the day arrives and you walk out there in front of the audience to deliver your presentation – what’s waiting for you in that place?

Whether you realise it or not, admit it or not, understand it or not yet, what’s waiting for you is exactly what you put there – what you PROJECT onto the situation.

If you’re not convinced yet, re-read my description and questions and you’ll notice that I gave you only a basic scaffold on which to build your imagination of the situation. Look carefully at the wording and you’ll see that there is no bias anywhere one way or the other about potential positive or negative emotions, thoughts, events or consequences.

For example, I told you that some people were influential and that some of the audience were experts, but I said nothing about their attitude towards you – whatever attitude you imagined them having is your projection. I also asked you what you were feeling, not if you were feeling worried, anxious, excited, intimidated etc. – whatever feelings you felt are your projection too.

I have actually asked these questions of many people over the years – see if some of their responses tally with yours:

• some imagined that the influential types were just waiting for them to make a mistake
• some imagined that the experts would be asking really awkward questions to get them to trip up or look stupid
• some imagined the audience would be disinterested and find their presentation boring
• some imagined a disastrous presentation and losing their job as result
• some imagined themselves as feeling intimidated, flustered, nervous, making mistakes, losing their place etc.

What’s really interesting is that research shows that in situations like this what we do is we pick up on and perceive in that situation more of those things that confirm back to us what we’ve already imagined, assumed or presupposed- what we’ve projected – and less of those things that contradict our projections.

Basically, WE PERCEIVE WHAT WE PROJECT.

What we’re doing is just like what happens at the cinema. Our expectations, assumptions, fear, worries, hopes, and dreams, whatever mix of thoughts and feelings we concoct, comes from the back of our minds and is thrown out onto the blank screen of the situation and the people in it. And then we commit to the self-deception that all of it is actually coming from the situation itself, and not from us.

And we do this to such an extent that it takes somewhere between four and ten times as much information that says the situation (or person) isn’t like that for us to change our minds.

I’ve known managers project their need for certainty, or their own insecurities onto others they’re responsible for and the result is the phenomenon we’ve probably all experienced at one time or another – ‘micro-management’*. You may know someone who has a few failed relationships behind them and the project the past onto the present and obsess about small things which mean “this one is failing too…”*. One extreme example is the fact that many serial killers project their dysfunctional relationship with someone significant in their past onto people similar to them, and that projection is so overwhelming it drives them to murder.

Now I don’t know about you but I’d rather not waste my time watching a movie I’m not enjoying. I’d rather leave early and find one I really like.

And I’d rather not create projections I’m not going to enjoy either. I’d rather create one I will like.

Because, let’s face it, if I’m standing on stage to deliver a presentation and I’m worried someone in the audience isn’t liking what I’m saying, or is going to catch me out, I’m not going to perform at my best. If instead I stand there believing that there are people willing to be engaged, supportive, open to persuasion, and wanting me to succeed, I’m going to feel and therefore perform a whole lot better.

And if you really think about it, it doesn’t actually matter what the truth is.

Because I chose the positive projection, my performance will come across as collected and confident and may well engage the unengaged, persuade those who weren’t open to start with, create support and increase the probability of my success hugely.

Either way, my positive projection contributed to that projection becoming reality.

Deep huh?!

So, challenge time:

• Every time over the next few weeks that you’re about to enter a situation where the results are meaningful to you, on whatever scale, give yourself a moment beforehand to STOP.
• Ask yourself what you’ve already assumed about that situation and the people in it – what you’ve already decided is waiting for you.
• If any of those assumptions make you feel uneasy, anxious, afraid, or negative in any way, regardless of whether you believe those assumptions to be true or not, ask yourself instead what it would be better to have waiting for you there.
• Now imagine being able to actually project what you’d love to be waiting for you into that situation, and notice how you begin to feel different as you replace that old projection with something far better.
• Once you’re ready, go do it!

Until next time,

—–

* NOTE: I’m not suggesting that projection is the only cause of micro-management, or failed relationships, or serial killing for that matter, but it’s one possibility.

Well, why not find out..?

What’s this workshop about?

“In a nutshell, this workshop is all about communication – something we have to do everyday as part of working and personal life. The workshop is packed with very powerful yet truly practical hints, tips, tools and techniques. I’ve drawn them from over a decade of corporate experience and then distilled them down into a unique 5-step “Taxi..!” process, all designed to help YOU become an even better communicator.

And that’s not all – as well as the workshop you’ll be sent a ‘warm-up’ introduction before the workshop to get your mind focused, and follow-up emails afterwards to help you really make the most of what you did on the day.

And I’ll reveal why it’s called “Taxi..!” too…

I look forward to working with you.”

Why should I attend this workshop?

This workshop is for you if you know you want:

• more confidence, especially in those trickier conversations and meetings
• excellent results every time you speak, negotiate or present
• to be more persuasive and influential, even if you’re not yet a manager
• to truly motivate and engage others
• to take your fair share of control in your work and personal relationships
• to get ahead of your competition
• to find out if your current communication style is causing problems without you even knowing it
• to just hone your skills and keep up with the latest tools and techniques

“Taxi..” Workshop
Thursday 10th May
9:30am-4:30pm
Woods Squared
Birkenhead

What will I learn?

In this workshop you’ll discover:

• what the ‘communication iceberg’ is and and why it’s vital to excellent communication
• the unique 5-step “Taxi..!” process which, when you follow it, will multiply your chances of success
• the real truth about some of the widely-believed communication myths
• what really causes misunderstandings and clashes in the first place and how to minimise them
• how to get true commitment rather than just compliance
• the words and phrases that focus people’s attention and trigger motivation
• the non-verbal signals that experts use to enhance communication
• how to create powerful unconscious connections with other people (and know when they really don’t want to connect!)
• … and much, much more!

All this means that your new skills and awareness will step up the power and productivity of every one of your interactions with other people and help you get more of the results you know you deserve.

How will the workshop be run?

This will be a fairly intensive day with a mix of information and interaction, solo, pair and small group experiments and Q&A sessions, and a chance to look at a real communication problem that you’d like to take some action to resolve. You’ll be encouraged to take part, ask questions, take a moment to reflect personally, to work with those around you at points throughout the day, share discoveries along the way and imagine for yourself when and where you will use what you’ve learned most powerfully and effectively.

Who will be leading the workshop?

The workshop will be led by Dr. Steve Wooding. Steve’s experience is both broad and deep and he’s spent almost two decades using his skills with employers and clients in research and development, knowledge and information management and flow, organisational culture change, education at all levels, healthcare and local government, along with a private hypnosis and stress-management practice.

As well as a seasoned public speaker and lecturer, experienced manager and leader, he’s a licensed psychometric profiler, Master Practitioner of NLP, fully certified hypnotherapist and specialist in verbal and non-verbal communication.

How can I be really certain I will benefit from this?

The simplest way for us to give you that certainty is to share what our previous clients have told us:

“Steve delivers value within minutes of first hearing him speak. He teaches you so much you didn’t know you didn’t know. But what makes it so worthwhile is that you can start applying his learning immediately with great results.”

Ian Denny, Director, Community Business Brigde.

“The day was a big success and evaluated highly by all. Several of the participants have rolled out the material with the rest of their teams and comment regularly on how beneficial the day has been in helping to develop a more cohesive working team.”

Helen Bayley, Clinical Leadership Coordinator, Shropshire & Staffordshire NHS Trust

“I have been in direct sales since 1986 when I left the Royal Navy, and have heard many ‘motivational’ speakers. You’re a breath of fresh air. Truly, it was inspiring and I don’t say that lightly.”

Andy Bignell, Sales Manager, Northern Telecomms Ltd.

“A superb day. Exceeded my expectations. A very clear and practical presentation of some complex theory. I used Steve’s techniques immediately after the training day in an interview, and was able to form an objective opinion of the candidate faster, and I’m sure more accurately, than I’ve ever done before.”

Stuart Kellner, Managing Director, Dufton-Kellner Ltd.

How do I book to attend the workshop?

Click the ‘Buy Now’ button below and book your place now!

“Taxi..!” – The Secrets of Powerful Communication

Thursday 10th May, 9:30am – 4:00pm
Venue: Woods Squared Limited, 49 Hamilton Square, Birkenhead, Wirral CH41 5AR

(click here for a map)

Just £147.50 (all inc.)

Tea & Coffee provided throughout the day – you’ll need to sort your own lunch.

The venue is just a short walk across the square from Hamilton Square station, or if you’re coming by car, there’s all day parking for ~£4.

If you’d rather arrange another means of payment, call us on 0845 111 0360 or 07730 6515648 TODAY

If you’re still not completely certain then call us or email us anyway and we can answer every question you’ve got until you are sure.

“The potential of the average person is like a huge ocean unsailed, a new continent unexplored, a world of possibilities waiting to be released and channelled toward some great good.”

(Brian Tracy, Canada-born self-development author and traveller)

(~816 words, approx. 5-8 mins to read)

On the chimney breast in the house I grew up in were a few mementos of events past. One of them was a short section of a branch with three large pine cones on it. My Dad had picked it up when we were out walking one day on holiday in, if my memory is correct since I was only about 4 or 5 years old at the time I think, the Isle of Wight. It looked like it had been blown down during high winds which they’d apparently had recently.

When we got home, he stripped the bark from the branch, leaving the pine cones attached, cleaned it and varnished it, then mounted it on the chimney breast in true early 1970′s interior decorating style, where it stayed until we moved house about 15 years later.

When we moved the pine cones on their branch were packed away into a box which, as many boxes do after a move, ended up in the loft in our new house. And there they remained for over two decades.

But late last year however, my dad found them in that box in the loft. He’d built a shed a few years previously – my family has an odd history with designing and erecting garden sheds, usually of large proportions and military-grade sturdiness* – and decided that the pine cones would make a suitable ornament to the outside of the shed. I imagine finding them probably also resurrected memories of events that were now almost forty years ago. So he nailed them there, on the shed wall.

They weathered the next few month’s winter chills, many frosts and a little snow.

And then last week they opened.

Despite being varnished and mounted, used as an ornament for a while then lying forgotten for a decade shy of half a century, they finally had the conditions and environment to fulfil their purpose and they opened and dropped a hundred or more perfectly preserved seeds.

I don’t know what you’re thinking right now, but I had one of those small moments of amazement, followed by a string of thoughts.

Perhaps you’re already thinking the same kind of thoughts I’m about to share with you, but since I don’t know what you’re thinking (despite what some of my friends believe I’m capable of!) I’m going to share them anyway.

These three pine cones were created for a purpose. Within them they held the seeds for another generation of trees and their job was to keep them safe until the right time when the right conditions were present and then, only then, to release that potential.

It didn’t matter that life had done something unexpected and instead of a few months passing before they could fulfil that purpose, forty years went by. They did other things for those forty years. But when the time was right and conditions were right, they did what they were supposed to do.

I firmly believe that every single one of us has a purpose, a reason for being here that’s ours and no-one else’s and I believe that the world is less than it would be if we don’t do it.

I also believe that none of us are intended for a life of constant frustration, misery, suffering, anger, low self-esteem, or disappointment. However, because of the choices we and others make, the world we live in gets in the way of what is rightfully ours – a life of contentment, satisfaction and fulfilment. I do not believe in fate, especially that any of us are ‘fated’ to lead disappointing lives. I believe our choices shape us – what we chose to think and feel, to focus on and act on – and those choices shape our lives.

Like the pine cones, no matter what happens to us, the potential for us to fulfil that purpose remains with us throughout life and only dies when we do. It doesn’t matter what life throws at us, that spark of potential remains there, perhaps buried, forgotten, ignored or denied, perhaps even for decades.

Those pine cones had no possibility of acting to change their circumstances – they had to wait for the right conditions to be present. But we CAN ACT. We don’t have to wait.

No matter how much time may have passed us by, we need to realise that there’s no such thing as too late. And whilst we may have to deal with the consequences of past choices and actions, we can change our circumstances to make HERE the right place and make NOW the right time for us to release that potential that has waited for so long.

Forty years passed by before those patient pine cones did what they were here to do and despite the passage of time they still did it perfectly.

How much longer are you going to chose to wait to build the life that you were intended for?

—-

* One of my brother’s self-built wooden sheds had to be moved to make way for a new conservatory he was building. It was so heavy he had to hire a crane to move it. The crane’s scale registered this empty shed, measuring about 6″ x 8″, as weighing just shy of two metric tonnes. That’s more than the materials used to make a standard Anderson bomb shelter in WW2..!

IN SHORT: What are your words worth? 7%? Or a whole lot more..?

“Think twice before you speak, because your words and influence will plant the seed of either success or failure in the mind of another.”
(Napoleon Hill, 19/20th-century US author, journalist & lecturer)

[999 words, approx. 4-9 mins to read]

In the world of personal development and training there are many ‘sacred cows’ – models, rules and other wisdom that gets handed down from trainer to trainee and thus to their colleagues, teams and departments – that have been passed from generation to generation so many times that their origins and original purposes have been glossed over, ignored, forgotten or simply lost in the mists of time.

One good example of this in the world of communication skills is ‘The 7% rule’. This law says that when you’re communicating, only 7% of the meaning of what you’re saying is in the words you choose to use and the other 93% is made up of 38% of the meaning derived from your tone of voice and 55% from your body language including facial expression.

This ’7%’ rule has been repeated so many time it’s almost become carved in stone. But there’s a big problem with it:

It’s a lie.

OK, perhaps that’s being a little strong, but let’s start by thinking about the implications for us if the 7% rule were actually true…

It would mean that on any visit to a country where you didn’t speak the language, you’d still get A-grade understanding in all your conversations with the local population. It would mean that the old party-game of Charades – where you have to mime the titles of books and films etc. – should be really, really easy. And it should mean that you’d never have any trouble at all understanding anyone with a very strong regional accent.

We all know that this isn’t the case, so where did the 7% rule come from in the first place?

To find out, we need to go back to the late 1960′s. Back then, Dr. Albert Mehrabian, a psychology professor, did a set of experiments in which people communicated using a single word, “Maybe”. What Dr. Mehrabian was actually investigating was the communication of attitudes and feelings of the speaker about what they were saying, and not the full interpretation of the message itself. So I’m sure you can begin to see that his findings were never meant to be used in the overly generalised and insufficiently explained way they have been.

The percentages he came up with are essentially weightings, i.e. how much you rely on words, tone and body language, in deciding whether to trust that the speaker’s words and non-verbal aspects match – that they mean what they’re saying. Essentially he quantified the statement “actions speak louder than words”. If you do the maths, it turns out actions, which in the case of Dr Mehrabian’s research was limited to facial expression, are almost six times more important than words in deciding whether we believe that you mean what you say.

And that’s it - Mehrabian’s research wasn’t meant to be applied to anything more than that – simple communication about attitudes or feelings. So, if we’re talking about anything more complex, in-depth or not about simple feelings, the 7% rule just doesn’t apply at all.

However, one of the things that Mehrabian’s research does show is that CONGRUENCE is vital, i.e. that what we say and how we sound and look when we say it must all match in order for what we’re saying to be trusted. Otherwise people will ignore what you’re saying and instead use everything else to make up their minds about you and your message.

What research into communication over the last half-century actually shows that the words are not only useful, as you might expect, they’re vital, although they never quite get to be 100% of the overall meaning of any message.*

The truth is that in general face-to-face communication your words can be 50% or more of the total meaning of any communication, so it’s important to choose them carefully so you never have to say, “That’s not what I meant!”

When you write things down, your words become even more important. That might seem really obvious as there’s no tone of voice or body language when all you have is words on a page, but I know that most, if not all, of us, rarely if ever just ‘see’ the words when we’re reading. Nope, we ‘hear’ them in our own heads and sometimes we even imagine the person who wrote them speaking them aloud. Which can only mean one thing – since it wasn’t there to begin with, we have to invent it, to make it up, based on what we imagine the person meant.

Which means if we’re not careful when writing things down, whoever reads it can easily get the wrong impression. The less specific, clear and precise we are with our words, the more room we leave for misinterpretation and misunderstanding.

And, if you want to be trusted, believed and taken seriously, your grammar and spelling become vital parts of the equation too. Yes, that even applies in emails and texting.

You see, words do things to us that tone and expression can only hint at. They play around with our perceptions and our feelings, our motivations and ideas, our thoughts and attitudes. A change in wording can transform someone’s experience.

Here’s a simple example – read the following and see what happens inside your head:

“We all stood up and clapped loudly.”

Now I’m going to describe the same event in the same number of words, but see what happens this time:

“The entire audience rose in rapturous applause.”

For the vast majority of you the second sentence creates a much richer, vibrant and compelling internal experience, and the difference was created simply by changing the wording. So much for words only being 7% eh!

While I’m not suggesting we all talk like Shakespeare or Wordsworth, a little extra care taken in our choice of words added to the attention we’re told to pay to tone and body language can totally transform our communication with others, whether it’s a coffee conversation, a date, business meeting, presentation or a speech to a packed auditorium.

What are your words worth? 7%? Or a whole lot more?

‘Til next time,

———

* If you’re not sure why that’s the case, imagine you read the headline “Minister in expenses claim scandal” on the front of the Financial Times newspaper – what are you already beginning to decide in your mind about the story that will follow that headline? Now imagine exactly the same headline -”Minister in expenses claim scandal” – but printed on the front page of The Sun. What’s happened to your ideas about the story?

So, here are some of the 5 biggest mistakes I’ve spotted over the years, and how to avoid them:

5. Running Over Time

If you have an allotted time to speak, stick to it. Preferably, finish a little early. There’s nothing worse than a speaker who runs over simply because they think what they’re saying is important, or because they’ve made one (or more) of the other big mistakes. Actually, there is – a boring speaker who runs over time.!

Running over time, especially if you’re one of a string of speakers – at a conference perhaps – is also extremely poor etiquette  as what you’re effectively doing is stealing other people’s time.

My rule of thumb is to aim to use only around 90-95% of your allotted time. For example, if you have 20 minutes, speak for 18 minutes and have a couple left for questions or some informal exchange.

The best speakers and presenters always leave their audience wanting more, not less.

4. Failing to Prepare Properly

One of the reasons people make mistake no. 5 is that they fail to plan or prepare enough in advance. I’ve actually witnessed many lectures by world experts in their field whose lectures are not a lot more than a rapid verbalisation of their internal dialogue around the subject.

A decent presentation has structure. A truly great presentation tells a story – yes, even technical or academic ones –  and to tell a story well takes preparation. In fact, the general rule is that the less time you have to speak, the more you should prepare!

Basically, know your presentation and your subject matter in depth, back-to-front and inside-out. If you need to rehearse it, make time to do so. A trial run in front of some trusted friends or colleagues can be very useful too – even the best stand-up comedians try out their material in front of small audiences before they use it on tour.

However, in preparing, also avoid the next big mistake…

3. Reading From a Script

“Hold on a minute!” you might say “Why not – even politicians read from a script..?!” Yes, many people do, but the greatest presenters of all, even if they are using a script, don’t look or sound like they are. Part of the presenter’s preparation is to get to know their script inside-out too so they can speak it naturally and authentically with an occasional glance at their notes.

The worst form of this mistake is to use a Powerpoint presentation that essentially contains what you’re saying, and then read from it..!

Whilst Powerpoint and other tools are useful, they should be used as a means to enhance your speaking, not to repeat it or replace it. Take a look at some of Steve Jobs recent presentations (regardless of whether you’re an Apple fan or not) to show how to use presentation tools well.

Great presenters speak naturally, even if they’ve learned it off by heart.

2. Trying to Sound Smart

It’s a shame when someone makes this mistake, as instead of sounding smart they come across as arrogant, desperate or condescending. It’s no good talking about the crisis management efficacy of multiple redundancy in the corporate I.T. infrastructure, or multi-layered strategies for leveraging your knowledge assets in a low capital expenditure economy unless 100% of your audience uses the same terminology on a day to day basis.

Good presenters make two assumptions which inform the way they speak and the words they choose:

1. Everyone here is at least as intelligent as me.
2. Everyone here is here to learn something.

Simply put, great presenters speak clearly and simply to make sure anyone listening can understand, whether they’re currently an expert or not.

Great presenters meet their audience where they are.

1. Not Making Eye Contact

I have to admit this is a huge bugbear of mine. When  you are speaking to an audience you are holding a conversation with them. And just like a one-to-one conversation, you need eye contact to show you’re involved in the conversation. Even though when you’re delivering a speech, you’re the only one actually talking, your audience are responding non-verbally and you’d expect them to be looking at you, wouldn’t you?

The worst presenters look over their audiences heads, or so far to the left or right that they’re not looking at anyone at all. Some close their eyes. And a few will fixate on one or two members of the audience to the exclusion of the rest, which makes those who’re being ‘stared at’ very uncomfortable!

Instead, the best presenters tend to move their gaze slowly around the room, fixing on general points that roughly correspond to quarters of the room.

Great presenters look at the people they’re talking to.

If you’d like to know more about what makes an outstanding presentation, and perhaps how to avoid other pitfalls, get in touch now.

There are, obviously, other mistakes that get made and other issues to avoid when presenting, but more about those another time perhaps…

“Anxiety is a thin stream of fear trickling through the mind.  If encouraged, it cuts a channel into which all other thoughts are drained.”
[Arthur Somers Roche, 19/20th-century US author]

“Worry is like a rocking chair – it gives you something to do but doesn’t get you anywhere.”
[Anon]

“The warrior’s approach is to say ‘Yes’ to life.”
[Joseph Campbell, 20th-century US author, teacher & philosopher] 

(1041 words, approx 6-9 mins to read.)

Anxiety is one of those things we all experience from time to time – it’s natural as it’s one of the methods our unconscious or intuitive self uses to get us to pay attention to the future. However, it’s supposed to be a very temporary condition that passes when we decide what to do and then take action.

Sometimes though we let anxiety get out of hand and it grows into worry. And if we still don’t take action it can become paralysing fear.

But have you ever noticed how some people just don’t seem to worry much at all, whilst others can appear to do it all the time, sometimes over details that you might feel are small and not that significant at all?

If you aren’t sure you know exactly what I mean, let me tell you about Sally. All her friends call her Sal.

Sal looks after a venue where various sections of the community meet for different events and she’s usually there when the events are running. Officially, she’s responsible for the health and safety stuff, as well as a few other things. But she was a bit of a worrier.

Actually, to be honest, she was a lot of a worrier! From the moment the doors open to the moment the last person left, she’d be rushing around from room to room, making sure that everything’s OK, wondering if there’s something she hasn’t checked up on. She may check the same thing several times over the course of a few hours because in the rush and worry she’d forgotten she’d already checked it.

You see, part of Sal’s problem is that she has very clear and fixed ideas of exactly how things are supposed to be and when they aren’t, she gets jittery.

This means that she often doesn’t get time to join in, or just relax and enjoy what’s going on around her, simply because she’s too anxious on the inside. And if something isn’t quite right, she’s even been known to get into a panic because she’s already worried about what she’s still got left to check, or what she’s forgotten and this means that she hasn’t room in her head to focus on what needs to be done right now.

This worry also meant that every time something needed adjusting, repairing or fixing, she was calling the caretaker to let him know, ask his advice, or get him to come in and fix it. On some days it seemed like it was every few minutes, much to the annoyance of the caretaker, especially when the repairs couldn’t be done there and then because the venue was in use.

She sometimes even worried that if there was a fire, no-one would know what to do, so she began practising emergency drills at almost every event, and when she wasn’t making everyone do them, she was making sure they thought about them! Of course this meant that other people began to enjoy the events, and her company, less and less.

Fortunately before too long, Sal decided it was time to do something different, something that, if she did it, would mean she could make sure all was healthy and safe enough and yet still enjoy the events she was responsible for.

So here’s what we did, and to many it’ll seem like common sense, but when you’ve been a worrier, sometimes it can take a little help to see a way through to a more calm way of life.

We sat down and wrote a list of all the things she thought she needed to check at the venue. It started out as a very long list! But then, as we went through it item by item and keeping only those things that really mattered, and letting go of all those that made very little difference, the list became smaller and smaller.

We did need to negotiate a few items, but when I asked the question “What would actually happen if you didn’t have that exactly the way you think it should be?” she began to realise that a lot of things she was worried about didn’t matter much at all, and only some of them were truly important.

Now Sal just goes around with her much shorter and very manageable list, running through it from top to bottom, inside and outside too. She ticks off each item that’s OK, having realised that so many things don’t need to be perfect, just workable.

For anything that does need some attention – we all know things do from time to time – she notes down the problem, and what she’s going to do right now to work around it.

Just as an example, recently the edge of the carpet near one of the doors came loose. But this time instead of panicking that a child might trip up and hurt themselves and have to go to hospital and then the centre might get sued and its reputation damaged , she simply got some black and yellow hazard tape, firmly taped down the loose edge and made a note of what she’d done.

She also now leaves a note for the caretaker so he can come along later, when the event is over and the space is empty, and make an adjustment or proper repair, and that’s exactly what he did with the carpet.

Now if you met Sal, you’d wonder if I’d been describing the same person. She’s relaxed and so much more in control. And instead of being at the mercy of what’s going on in her head, she gets to enjoy what’s going on around her instead.

That’s not to say she doesn’t get anxious from time to time, but now she knows all she has to do is ask herself if it’s really that important, and if it is, what she can do to solve it now, and if that’s not practical right now, how to work around it, knowing that she, or the caretaker, can sort it out later when everything’s quieter.

Remember, whilst the future can be seriously sabotaged by our present fears, it’s also supported by and spun from our present actions.

Worriers dwell on future failure, whilst warriors get busy now to build future success.

‘Til next time,

“Who finds hidden treasure?
Some of those who seek it,
And none of those who don’t.”
[Anon]

“The difference between great people and everyone else is that great people create their lives actively, while everyone else is created by their lives, passively waiting to see where life takes them next. The difference between the two is the difference between living fully and just existing.”
 [Michael Gerber, US author]

[1064 words, estimated reading time 6-9 mins]

(NOTE: This is a re-publication of an article I wrote four years ago, so it’ll be a reminder to some of you, and new to others. With it I’m sharing, free of charge, a process that many of my one-to-one clients have found useful – I hope you do too.)

To avoid any confusion, the first thing I need to explain is what I mean by ‘Active Living‘. I’m NOT talking about getting regular exercise, going to the gym, not spending hours in front of the TV, cycling instead of driving, using the stairs instead of the lift etc., although those are all great things.

What I am talking about is an attitude that I’d like to introduce you to by first talking about the early work of Martin Seligman, a psychologist that I’ve mentioned in previous articles.

In a series of studies in the 1960s and 70s (that would probably be ethically tricky these days) he and his colleagues put animals and people in situations where something distracting or painful occurred repeatedly and randomly and, importantly, over which they had no control, i.e. they couldn’t stop it or escape it but instead had to wait it out until it stopped.

They repeated this quite a few times, and then changed the situation so that the subjects COULD stop the distraction or pain, or escape it in some way, for example by moving to a different part of the room or enclosure, or hitting a switch, sometimes a new one, and sometimes one that previously didn’t work.

What they discovered was that around two-thirds of the subjects defined their current situation wholly by their past experience of not being able to change things, and so even when they could control what was happening or escape it, they didn’t bother. This phenomenon is now referred to as ‘Learned Helplessness’.

However, the remaining one-third DID use their new powers of control or escape to get away from the pain or distraction, and a proportion of them even continued to seek a means of control or escape when none seemed available.

The first two-thirds essentially became PASSIVE in their situations, accepting what was happening as their lot and not trying to change things at all, even when they could.

However, the other third remained ACTIVE, always seeking ways to change their lot when it wasn’t pleasant.

Seligman and his colleagues then decided to find out whether the passive two-thirds could un-learn their helplessness, and happily found that they can, with time and training, and become more and more active.

We can extend these concepts to life in general, in which we can decide whether our mode of existing is Passive Living or Active Living.

Passive Living is, at its most basic, living a life from day to day waiting for things to happen to you, those things you wish for, long for, or just hope for – a better job, a better relationship, time to yourself, or waiting for the bad things that are in your life to somehow end or go away of their own accord.

Essentially, passive living is about waiting for opportunities to present themselves to you – waiting for someone to offer you that job you really want, waiting for that special someone to come into your life, waiting until things calm down a bit or life isn’t so busy so you have some time to relax. At its worst, passive living might even have you not notice when these things do come along, so they pass you by unnoticed and untaken. And even at its least detrimental, passive living still tends to mean that you only take action when things have become really bad, and then it’s usually only just enough to return things to the same old status quo.

Passive living can also be linked to an unwavering belief in fate or destiny, that your life has a path that must be inevitably followed, no matter what your choices, and that whatever happens in life was meant to happen that way.

Active Living, on the other hand, is a mode of existing where you decide what it is you actually do want and, without waiting for it to come to you, you set about making it happen. If you want a fulfilling relationship, you take the opportunities offered to socialise, go on dates, join a group or society of people interested in the same activities or hobbies as you (or even form one!). If you want a new job, the active mindset says that you look through the job ads in the relevant places, you keep your CV up to date and your interview skills polished, you network and ask around through personal and business contacts. And if you’re in need of some time to yourself, those with an active mode of living plan for it, taking a day here and there to relax, planning holidays in advance, understanding that you perform at your best when you do make regular time for yourself.

The active life is one lived with a belief that my choices create and change my ‘fate; - that my destiny is in my own hands and that opportunities are largely made rather than stumbled upon.

Active behaviour was shown by some prisoners of war in WW2 who, despite repeated recapture, continued to try to escape, whilst others just accepted their lot. It’s seen in patients with debilitating conditions who, despite setbacks or pain, continue to push themselves forward. It’s evidenced in the lives of political and social activists who push for change, who protest, lobby and keep going until something happens. It’s even seen in some of the most successful business people who, despite losing fortunes with one venture, start another one that’s even more successful than the last rather than playing it safe.

Passive behaviour is all too prevalent in many sections of society, especially at lower income levels, who decide not to work hard, get an education, improve their own circumstances and even try to stop others from doing the same, accusing them of ‘forgetting their roots’ or ‘trying to be better than everyone else’.

But passive living is also seen in areas of our own lives, personal and professional, even when we might be really active in others.

So, on that note, to this month’s challenge. However, it’s a little more in-depth than previous months and you’ll need to download it from here:

activeliving2012 (PDF)

Take an active role in living your life or someone else will make your choices for you, decide what’s best for you and have you live it their way, which is usually only what’s easiest and best for them.

Your life is in your hands – do something with it!

(~870 words, approx 5-7 mins to read)

Where were we…? Oh yes, EVOLUTION, REVOLUTION…

Oh, before we go any further, I want to introduce you to ‘gloop’..!

Some of you may have met this wonderful stuff before. It’s a mixture of cornflour and water and has some odd properties. Unlike a normal thick liquid, this mixture forms a dilatant fluid. This simply means that the quicker you try to move through it, or the more pressure you apply, the more resistance you get – it actually gets thicker in response to change..! Go slow and it’s a liquid, go fast and it gets more solid. There’s a nice 5-minute video of it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NPrCuIgX2_I

Just tuck that away for now whilst we get back to where we were last time…

We’d got beyond the idea of stagnation to those two conditions for revolutionary change to work – that the process has to be carefully planned beforehand, and the environment in which the change is taking place needs to change too.

From these two conditions, we’d drawn the two main reasons why evolutionary change often succeeds where revolutionary change fails:

1. Our behaviour carries momentum.
2. The environment (including other people) is resistant.

Let’s tackle these reasons one at a time, starting with the fact that our behaviour carries momentum.

You can think about it like this: For everything we do, think, say and feel, we have a recipe, a pattern. From the trivial to the deep and emotional. For example, you probably put the same leg in your trousers first when you put them on. With me it’s left, then right. You may have a routine you do without thinking when you walk into the house – where you put your coat, keys, bag etc.

We do the same with larger, perhaps more impactful aspects of our lives too. Our organisation (or lack of!) around time, the way we handle conflict or cope with stress are good examples too.

Once we’ve created these patterns or habits, they act like an articulated lorry carrying a large load. The more pervasive and important the pattern, the larger the load and the correspondingly larger the momentum. Now try to imagine turning a lorry like that around at 60mph? You can’t simply yank the steering wheel around and expect it to defy the laws of physics and suddenly change direction successfully.

We all know that whilst it is completely possible to turn a huge lorry around, you have to do it gently – slow it down first then turn at walking pace, perhaps requiring a little three-point back-and-forth before you get it pointing in the new direction and then accelerate gently up to the new speed.

Our behavioural patterns have their own momentum, and making small changes then checking that they’re working means that much of the rest of our lives can adapt around those small changes.

Now the second one: The environment is resistant.

We can stick with the lorry analogy here because it works quite nicely. Imagine now that the road the lorry is travelling along is packed with traffic - you’d have to take account of the impact of your actions on those vehicles and their drivers too. This makes a change of direction for the lorry even more tricky because you have to account for what’s happening around you, unless you want movie-scale pile-up carnage to result!

Another wonderful, example is the ‘gloop’ I mentioned before. When we move through it slowly and steadily, there’s not much resistance at all and slow changes are easy. If, however, we decide to try to move faster or change things abruptly (like hitting it with a hammer!) it gets more and more resistant until it becomes almost solid.

None of our lives operate independently from the environment around us. This includes people, whether that’s significant relationships, children, other family, friends, work colleagues, customers and clients, associates, contacts – the list is very long! And people can be the most resistant of all for the simple reason that they know us as we are, they too have patterns for relating to us as we are, and if we change radically, that would mean they too have to change. And many aren’t ready, or willing to do that.

All these reasons mean that evolutionary change is often much more sustainable and effective than revolution, no matter how appealing the idea is of everything suddenly being different, better or new*.

So, given the time of year we’re already in, the New Year is approaching every closer, and you may already be making New Year Resolutions.

More often though, what people are looking for are New Year REVOLUTIONS – big changes that will somehow mean 2012 is going to be hugely better in some way than 2011.

What I’m going to suggest is that this time, if you you’ve not tried it before, you go for New Year EVOLUTIONS – small changes that you can make step-by-step and sustain.

Whether it’s to do with your job, health, finances, your mental and emotional life, spiritual side, or something else, look to evolve.

Because, if you stop and think for just a moment, if you add up enough EVOLUTIONARY changes, guess what..?! You have yourself a REVOLUTIONARY change!

Until 2012 I wish you all the best for the Christmas and holiday season!

*I’m not saying that radical and revolutionary change can’t work – they often can as long as they’ve been carefully planned and all they knock-on effects accounted for. And therein is the key to successful revolutionary change – the bigger the change you wish to make, the more concentrated planning and effort it requires.

(~760 words, approx 4-6 mins to read)

The world we live in today is not the same world as it was yesterday, and it will have changed again by this time tomorrow too. If we try to stay the same while the world changes around us, we stagnate, and slowly but surely get left behind. And resisting change sometimes requires even more energy than keeping up.

We change too. The simplest changes happen moment by moment via the accumulation of time – today I am a day older than I was yesterday, and no matter how much I refuse to believe it, try not to let it happen, or spend on fancy foods and creams, or a nip here and a tuck there, I can’t stop it. I also have a day’s more experience than I did yesterday, and I can no more erase that than I can erase the existence of the last 24 hours. What I do with that experience, however, is up to me.

Other personal changes may be deliberately made because we want to do something other than we currently do, want to have something other than we currently have, or want to be something other than we currently are.

Sometimes those changes are subtle, gentle and slow, like shifts in car design and fashion. Other changes are radical and take only a moment in our awareness, like the 9/11 terror attacks. I’d like us to focus on those two types of change – EVOLUTION and REVOLUTION.

Our word ‘evolution’ has its roots in the Latin verb ‘unroll’. Evolution results in strengthening or tweaking behaviours and other characteristics that work in the environment you’re in or the goal you seek, whilst reducing or culling characteristics or behaviours that no longer work to your advantage. Those changes that have worked are kept, those that haven’t are let go. In it’s purest form, evolution is driven largely by random mutation, without conscious direction or design, and is focused on the survival of a genetic code – the blueprint of a species – not just a single individual.

However, since we are conscious beings, we can actually direct those small changes, keeping those that work for us (whether as individuals or collectively) and take us closer to our goals and desires, and reject those that don’t.

The key point, though, that I’d like  you to focus on is that in essence, EVOLUTION = making small changes what’s already there.

Revolution, however, does something different, hinted at in its Latin origins ‘to turn over’. It means radical step-change, sometimes reversal or the destruction of one complete set of behaviours and the creation of another in its place. Revolution in history has involved people acting to change their environment because the current one wasn’t working to their advantage, usually either social or political rather than simply personal. However, the term ‘environment’ can be thought of as covering all the external conditions you live your life in.

In short, REVOLUTION = replacing what’s there with something different, something new.

Revolutionary change is appealing. Winning the lottery, having surgery to take years off your face or transform your body, getting your ideal job, finding the parter of your dreams, relocating to another country are all examples of revolutionary change, and I’m sure if I was to ask what you’d love to have happen in your life for the coming year, there would be a few revolutionary changes in your list of answers.

Revolution holds the hidden promise that things can suddenly be different, instantaneously better, with only a short burst of concentrated effort.

But this is a lie…

You see, revolutionary change can only succeed well when two critical conditions are met:

1. The change in behaviour is carefully planned, and that plan includes how to support and maintain the change until it sets in fully.
2. The environment impacted by the change has to change (or be changed) in a revolutionary way too.

When one or both of these conditions aren’t met, revolutionary change quickly fails. For example, we’ve all heard stories of new-years resolutions to get fit and healthy, go to the gym three times a week and change diet, but which never lasted more than a few weeks because the changes in behaviour weren’t really thought through or supported, and they didn’t change their environment, e.g. their working hours, family routine etc.

Evolutionary change is usually much more successful because of two simple facts that often scupper our attempts at revolution:

1. Our behaviour carries momentum.
2. The environment (including other people) is resistant.

And next time (next week in fact!) I’ll reveal exactly what I mean with those physic-ey metaphors!

Until then,

IN SHORT: Let others play the blame game and wallow in the mess while we move forward.

“A man can get discouraged many times but he is not a failure until he begins to blame somebody else and stops trying.”
[John Burroughs, 19/20th-century US essayist & conservationist]

 ”Better to light one small candle than to curse the darkness.”
[Chinese proverb] 

(~923 words, approx 5-8 mins to read)

Last time we talked about how we play ‘the blame game’ as a way pushing responsibility or the need for action away from us and onto others when there are problems. We concluded that if everyone plays the blame game, nothing changes – the problems we’re seeking to blame others for don’t get sorted out, the mess those problems caused never gets cleaned up, and the things that got broken stay broken.

However, we did take a look at those who take a different approach – the ‘cleaners’. These are the people who leave blame and accountability to one side to begin with, and start out by taking some responsibility to sort, clean and mend, just like the street clean-up collectives did in the days following the riots back in August. What this also does is give time for the anger, frustration and bitterness that often surfaces at times like this to subside, and let a little rationality back in.

And I promised that we’d take a pragmatic and practical look at how we might be able to apply the ‘cleaner’ mindset to our own lives.

To illustrate how the ‘cleaning’ process works, I’ll share the basic gist of things a few past clients have said:

• “It’s my school teacher’s fault I’ve got no confidence – they were always putting me down when I made mistakes or didn’t know the answer.”
• “My parents raised me to never cause offence, so I never really stand up for myself.”
• “My grandma always gave me biscuits and sweets if I was feeling low, so it’s got to be her fault I binge when I’m down, hasn’t it?”

Think about where that would leave you if  one of those was true for you, i.e. that’s how you thought and felt.

If you play the blame game with each of those examples, then you’d leave the responsibility for fixing the problem squarely with the person you’re blaming. And even if you make an attempt to understand the ‘why’ behind what happened, you’re still left stuck in the past –  it’d be like saying that once we understand who started the riots and why, the streets will somehow clean themselves up. That understanding may help us take action to prevent something like that happening again but it’s no use to us right now.

Think about the ‘teacher’ example – is that teacher ever going to want to, or be able to, fix that problem for you? They may even have the misguided belief that their actions were right at the time.

Are those parents going to be able to erase their actions from your past? Even if they did, would it change your present significantly?

Is the kindly grandma going to see her biscuits or sweets as anything other than her well-intentioned attempt to help you feel better?

No, none of them are.

Instead we need the approach of the ‘cleaners’, who first and foremost look to what can be done right now to help sort the mess out.

Fortunately, the ‘cleaner’ approach can be simplified into just five easy steps:

1. REMOVE ALL BLAME from your description of how things are, so you’re left with just the core issue or problem.
2. REMOVE ALL ABSOLUTES from your description – i.e. get rid of all words like ‘never’, ‘always’, ‘none’, ‘every’, and instead, make it relative to where you’d like to be, with terms like ‘more’, ‘less’ etc.
3. CREATE ROOM FOR CHANGE by rephrasing it so the issue is just ‘now’, and not fixed forever. You can do this by adding in words like ‘currently’, or ‘yet’.
4. REFLECT by creating a question from what you’re left with, a question about what your next steps should be to move closer to where you’d like to be.
5. TAKE ACTION!

Let’s try this on the first example above:

• Step 1, removing ALL the parts of the sentence that have anything to do with blame leaves us with “I have no confidence” – the core issue.
• Step 2, removing the absolutes and making it relative, creates “I have less confidence than I’d like”
• Step 3, adding in some time-related word(s), makes it “I currently have less confident than I’d like”, which subtly creates the possibility of movement instead of ‘stuck’.
• Step 4, creating that question, makes it “I currently have less confidence than I’d like, so what steps will I take to increase my confidence?”

Before we go any further, let’s just compare what we started with to what we’ve now got. We started with a sentence full of blame and bitterness towards that critical teacher with our issue buried somewhere in the middle of it all, and no sign of a solution anywhere. But now we have a clear statement of the issue and the real possibility of a solution.

There’s always room for some help from others too on how you might proceed, whether that’s friends or family you trust to give you honest advice, or a coach or other professional who can guide you to discover the best path for you.*

You can try the same process with the other two problems for yourself.

Step 5, however, holds the key to the problem actually being solved. No matter how well-meaning those who wanted to clean up the post-riot streets were, unless they actually got out the door, brooms in hand, and started sweeping and cleaning, nothing would have been solved. They TOOK ACTION to finally solve the problem of the messed-up neighbourhood.

And we need to do the same. Let others play the blame game and wallow in the mess while we move forward.

——

*  A good coach will ask you some extra questions to get right down to specifics, such as “In what contexts do you feel you need more confidence?”, “What difference would having more confidence make to you?”, “Is there anything that having more confidence wouldn’t change?”, “How would you know you had the confidence you want?”, and even guide you in exploring whether a lack of confidence is the real issue and whether working on something a little deeper would be more effective in making the kinds of changes you want to your life.