I'd like cheese on my entire family!

Nerd Date #1 -Walking Tour

2013-05-15T15:47:00.000-06:00

I wanted to share some pictures from the fun date I had with my husband yesterday.

I am slightly obsessed with New York City, and so is my husband, if you guys didn't know, but I am also incredibly broke all the time. As much as I would like to visit NYC often or move there, it ain't gonna happen with our current income, so we went on a walking tour of the Chelsea neighborhood of New York via Google Street View. My lottery plan is to live in the building in the top picture, and so we wandered around the neighborhood looking for the best routes to the Chelsea Market, where I will someday accost Food Network Stars and make them be my BFFs whether they like it or not.

Anyway, it was a little goofy but really fun, so I thought I would put the idea out there so other people can utilize my virtual walking tour. Just pick a place you would love to visit, pull it up on Google Street View, and "walk" around together. And remember, many museums have interactive tours online too, so you can visit all kinds of cool places right from the comfort of your home and no one gets mad if you aren't wearing pants.

(All pictures screencapped from fullscreen street view using Google Maps)

The Devolution of English

2013-05-11T15:37:00.000-06:00

I was searching for the origin of the phrase "Hit the nail on the head" the other day, because I like words and knowing the origin of things makes me feel superior, and also gives me things to talk about when I am forced to interact with other humans on rare occasions. In this particular etymology, there was a sample of the first recorded use of the phrase and I came to the realization that our language seems to be coming full circle:

-Old English-

(source)

-New English-

(source)

my friends are funny, and helpful.

Not all that different...

Brilliant Product Idea #3 - Headacheless Headache Medicine

2013-04-22T16:32:00.000-06:00

I am changing meds and I have a mega super strength headache as a result, and it occurred to me... someone needs to design a bottle for headache medicine that is padded on the inside so that when you roll over and fumble for it on your side table, because you are blind with pain and cannot bring yourself to open your eyes and ascertain where the bottle actually is, the terrible din of rattling pills doesn't make you want to kill yourself.

Ezekiel 25:17

2013-04-08T17:28:00.000-06:00

"The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of the darkness for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know I am the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you."

Pulp Fiction is one of my favorite movies ever. It came out my first year of college, while I was in a class where we were tasked with making installation art pieces based on a director's movies. I did not get Quentin Tarantino, though my good friends did, and it was my introduction to his work, for which I am grateful. QT is on my list of celebrities/fellow artists that I most want to hang out with.

Not Trying To vs. Trying Not To

2013-04-03T15:35:00.000-06:00

I have come across many people in my life who don't seem to know the difference between "not trying to do something" and "trying not to do something." For instance a person elbowing you in a booth at a restaurant, because you are left handed and the person to your left is right handed and you are trying to stay in your space but they keep ELBOWING YOU and finally you say "Hey, could you not do that please?" and their retort is usually, "I wasn't trying to elbow you..." with a shitty sneer, because they are likely your sibling and so they have that sneer for no reason you can ascertain because you are a darling little sister and/or brother and you don't know what you have done to deserve this treatment and it's probably just hormones but it hurts your feelings and arm, nonetheless, and really, their retort means nothing because what you wanted from them is that they try NOT to elbow you because you think your arm might be beginning to bruise.

So here are some handy graphics to illustrate the difference between "not trying to" and "trying not to" for people who may not recognize the difference:

(image sources: Kim Jong Un & Dalai Lama)

Nope, Kim Jong Un is not TRYING to start a war. He wants to bomb the crap out of us, but not really looking for a war. Dalai Lama on the other hand, totally peaceful and awesome, and speaking of awesome...

(image sources Jennifer Lawrence & Ann Coulter)

I think we can all agree that Jennifer Lawrence is absolutely awesome without trying... and that Ann Coulter is absolutely succeeding at not being awesome.

And two videos to illustrate our last set, which also illustrates how to be a creepy Weeping Angel Kitty...

Not trying to make noise

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=47AH9LBqm8s

Trying not to make noise

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fzzjgBAaWZw

Why I Should Not Be Given Comment Boxes.

2013-03-29T11:55:00.000-06:00

I went to order delicious chicken wings last night because I am a fan of chicken wings because they are delicious, and I had the option to order online, which is like HEAVEN for someone who is socially awkward and hates talking on the phone, which would accurately describe me. The ordering form, however, was broken into three different pages, only, I had no idea it was broken into three different pages, hence my comment on the first page, but then each page had its own comment section. This is what the order ended up looking like:

This is not something I did to make a funny blarg post about how weird I am. This is how I am. It is an unfortunate way to be when people don't take it well, but thankfully the cashier assured me ("Jodee, with all the comments"), that they heartily enjoyed laughing at my social ineptitude, which works for me (since I detected no spit in my meal at all).

And if you have a Wing Stop near you, I highly recommend the Garlic Parmesan wings. They are totally worth the money. Even though, apparently, chicken wings are one of the rarest food parts of all time for how much places charge for them.

Microwaves Might Be Time Vortexes.

2013-03-27T16:06:00.001-06:00

Seriously, why are microwave minutes so much longer than regular minutes?

Below is an artist's rendering of waiting a minute for something to heat in a standard microwave.

And since I know you can't see that, here it is, woefully chopped up:

Tattoos... The final frontier.

2013-03-12T19:50:00.000-06:00

I keep trying to egg my husband into getting a new tattoo. He keeps telling me to shut up.

My husband has a lot of tattoos. I know I knew how many at one time, but he is wearing clothes and napping so I can't count for accuracy's sake, but it is somewhere around 18, one of which takes up most of his lower right arm.

The tattoo I have planned for him is, of course, for humor's sake, and also because I love Star Trek (he likes it, but gets annoyed when I watch TNG for hours on end. Pfft, doesn't change my mind. He needs this tattoo. It is the only thing that makes sense).

This is my artist's rendering- that is his actual hand. It would be on his left ring finger:

Tattoo Mock up w/o Wedding Ring

Tattoo Mock up with Wedding Ring

Celebri-nerds, do you know what I'm tweeting? Featuring- @WilW @Nerdist @FeliciaDay

2013-03-07T19:19:00.000-07:00

I'm tired of all these emails from Twitter asking me "Do you know what Wil Wheaton, Chris Hardwick, and Felicia Day are doing?"

Yes, Twitter, I know what they are doing! They are staunchly ignoring me. All of them.

This could be because I sound like a blathering idiot any time I contact celebrities via twitter. Seriously, my brain fog makes typing hard sometimes, but apparently, the added stress of talking to someone who is SUPER awesome results in tweets such as these true life JRose tweets:

"I hope to someday be in the cool internet people that hang w/ @feliciaday club. She need her to see my work."
"SHE NEED HER TO SEE MY WORK!!!! ffs. Seriously, I can never @feliciaday without making a total tool of myself."

It all started with me trying to share my blarg with Felicia Day because she loves Hyperbole and a Half, but then I tweeted her the same thing three times in a row, which makes me look like a total renob, but she ignored me anyway, just like Wil Wheaton does, and I don't blame him either because I send him things like this:

@wilw I really want to sent that guy a box full of punctuation. Geezus!
Without fail, I typo and sound like a moron EVERY time I tweet to @wilw. I am beginning to think it is not a coincidence. #possiblemoron

or creepy dream overshares:

Dreamt I was taking @cakewreck's talking pet owl outside, where @feliciaday "high butt fived" me & @wilw helped me make pumpkin beer.

Jen Yates is camera shy, so you should know that she is just out of frame in the first panel.

Had @wilw and Gary Coleman in my dream last night doing a world wide essay writing contest. Mine was on serial killers in Montana.

Had a dream that @wilw gave me a Snoopy Sno-Cone Machine.

I dreamt last night that @wilw was seductively feeding me gourmet food while I was trying to sleep. #eventiredinmydreams

Or I'm just me being weird for attention or because I just happen to be weird:

-----------------------------------------------------------

Chris Hardwick aka The Nerdist has been lucky so far to have only gotten a few strange tweets from me, but they're coming. Oh, they're coming. And probably dreams too now that we have an hour of Talking Dead each week.

Following "The Following"?

2013-02-26T16:42:00.000-07:00

It's a raven. This is a clever tie in to the Poe theme source.

How many of you are watching The Following?

It is a show about a serial killer who gets a cult following while in prison who carry on his work for him.

I started watching it with the first episode, excited for it after all the promos, and my immediate thought was TRUST NO ONE. ABSOLUTELY NO ONE. At this point, all I can be relatively sure of is that Kevin Bacon's character, Ryan Hardy, is not part of "The Following." Not even sure about the wife. Certain that young FBI guy is a follower and that I am supposed to think he is, then think he isn't. Seriously, I SUSPECT EVERYONE!!!

Nope. Don't trust you at all. source.

Is his 10 year old kid in on it? Maybe?! Who's to say? I wouldn't hand him a pistol, or a letter opener. If they had a dog, I would be wary of it also.

This all stems from me being right about 90% of the bad people in the first episode. I get one bit of confirmation and I can't be dissuaded (not to be confused with dissueded, which would be what Nazis did to Jews in the holocaust). (I know a parenthetical should not be a whole a paragraph on its own but I would like to apologize for that pun. It was really bad. In my defense, there is no defense, but I'm Jewish so I am really only being insensitive to myself, and every other Jew ever, that is, if anyone actually gets it -I digress).

I don't actually know how much I really like the show. I mean I do, but it's a little slow paced, because really, I just want them to show killings and then reveal each episode that another person I knew was a follower is in fact one, which they do. I am also predicting that this will happen each episode until they finally reveal that OMG EXPERT ON THE SERIAL KILLER THAT THE SHOW IS ABOUT IS ALSO A FOLLOWER... no shit Sherlock. But I imagine it would be more exciting if I were watching episodes in rapid succession instead of waiting a week, at which time I have forgotten the series exists all together. So if you haven't seen it yet, you might want to wait until it comes out on Netflix or something and then show binge.

EVERYONE. EVERYONE IS!!! source.

It is good though, but predictable to me, because I have predicted that almost everyone is bad. And my confirmation bias doesn't count it when people are good because we still have possibly umpty-clutch seasons before everyone on earth is dead by the hands of Joe Carroll's followers and by then I can shrug and say, "Oh, I guess the kid wasn't in on it."

The Day I Stopped Smoking Cloves.

2013-02-25T14:28:00.000-07:00

A (n unfortunately true) Cautionary Tale

And in case you can't read my chicken scratch:

Remember that time in high school that I went to Dick Clark's American Bandstand

to hit on my adult neighbor who was DJing there? And I was smoking clove cigarettes?

And then I threw up in my hair? And on the dance floor... and in their bathroom sink

because all the bathroom stalls were taken?

Good times...good times.

On the internet, no one knows you're JRose!

2013-02-20T20:01:00.001-07:00

I shared this gif with my friend Tracey last night,

and the following ensued.

Yes. We chat on old IBM mainframe computers.

When Fruit Cups Attack

2013-02-11T18:38:00.001-07:00

So I got these delicious sounding Del Monte cinnamon peach fruit cups on clearance. I was going to eat one while laying in bed watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer (up to season 5, whew hew), and I know they have a tendency to burble over some when you open them because of the vacuum seal, so I set myself up with a towel over my chest/neck, and slowly peeled the plastic lid off the cup.

Apparently, this cup was SUPER vacuum-sealed because I was treated to a powerful nasal douche of cinnamon peach juice to my sinuses. I was amused, but also quite uncomfortable nasally. It was delicious (since I ate the cup after cleaning up the incident, the post nasal drip was a little off putting though), however I wish they opened without exploding and/or squirting long distances. Especially since they are for kids, or for adults who eat fruit cups in bed while watching supernatural shows made for kids.

Also, I've passed this on to Del Monte and asked them if I could send them my doctor's bills if I get a sinus infection from the peach cinnamon sugar water still lingering inside my face, but they are staunchly ignoring me, just like all the boys I ever loved...

Most hilarious comment when I posted about it on Facebook:

Just proves that no matter how well you prepare for a known eventuality, the universe is just going to shoot cinnamon peach juice up your nose anyway. - Lora-Lee

Valentine's Cards: Set Three - Nerdy but Sweet

2013-01-28T19:17:00.001-07:00

This last set is really just a set of cards from me to myself, because they represent some of my favorite nerdiness. Hopefully they represent your favorite nerdy stuff too.

Buy them at my Zazzle shop unless they decide I can't sell them because despite painting everything from scratch they are breaking laws.

This one is totally for the Bloggess. She should be my Valentine.

I can totally hear him saying it in Alan Rickman's voice too.

I am open to drawing more Valentines, though these are all I have planned. I feel bad for not doing a Star Trek card, but all of my ideas had already been done, so if you have a Star Trek (TNG, preferably) card in mind, let me know and I might draw it (one with Wesley Crusher gets extra points, so I can bug Wil Wheaton with it). Also open to drawing cards (like the ones I've been posting) for pay. Just sayin'. Hit me up, Hallmark, or people who don't want to go to Hallmark because none of their cards mention wanting to stick things in people's holes.

Valentine's Cards: Set Two- From Your Unromantic Boyfriend

2013-01-25T21:57:00.000-07:00

My next set of Valentines are what you would get if your boyfriend/husband could really get you the card he wanted to... that was based on an action movie. Or the ones that I would get you, because I like classic action movies, despite having a vagina.

And again, they are all available in my Zazzle shop (though they like to tell me it will take up to 24 hours for them to show up).

Valentine's Cards: Set One: Smutty Foods

2013-01-21T17:43:00.001-07:00

Valentine's day is coming up, and what better way to be incredibly forward than with inappropriate but adorable cards, made by me.

There will be more themed sets forthcoming, so check back. Also, all cards are available in my Zazzle shop*, in case you want to express your desires offline.

*If you are trying to find the cards in the Zazzle shop, but they don't seem to be there, please click the "content filter" link in the left navigation strip (it is towards the bottom), and allow PG-13 items to be shown, and they will magically appear.

Without further ado... SMUTTY FOODS WISHING YOU HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!

Feel free to share this, as you see fit!

How Outlines are Trying to Ruin My Life.

2013-01-15T18:44:00.002-07:00

I am extremely mad at outlines, because I am fairly certain they are the only reason why my spell checker doesn't mark lower case "I"s as incorrect.

I will now outline all the reasons that outlines should go fuck themselves.

"Why Outlines Should Go Fuck Themselves"

I. They make me look stupid when I accidentally type "i" instead of "I" when typing quickly.
A. I am not dumb
i. I have a college degree.
ii. I graduated 8th in my high school class with a grade point average of 3.919.
iii. I use big words and stuff.

B. I should get kudos for typing quickly, instead of looking foolish.
i. I learned to touch type by chatting for hours on end, which makes me cool.
ii. I use more than one finger per hand to type, and am the only person in my household to do so.
iii. I can type in the dark and while watching reality TV shows.

II.New outlines don't even use roman numeral support lists anymore.
A. Apparently, kids today can't handle roman numerals.
i. They're not being forced to conform to the stupid standards that we were, which is kinda unfair.
ii. If I had to do that shit, they should have to also.

B. Spell Checkers are totally out of date.
i. In addition to not marking lower case "I"s as incorrect since Arabic numbers are now the
standard, they don't know the word Wasabi.
1.Or internet. . .
a. But they do know the word shillelagh.

III. Conclusion.
A. Outlines and Spell Checkers are acting in collusion to screw up my ability to look like the smarty pants I am.
i. They should go fuck themselves, as a result.

Saying Sorry: A Guide

2013-01-09T18:26:00.000-07:00

"IF"s do not belong in apologies.

The only time IF should be in an apology is:

a) if the apology is for a future possible action or outcome:

or b) if you are in crowded place such as a Subway train:

source

or c) there is some uncertainly as to whether you are the person to blame, or if another person was responsible

source

Under no circumstance, unless you fancy the idea of someone wanting to harm you, should you add "IF" to an apology when you have just been told that you did something that required an apology.

The phrase "I'm sorry if," when there is no uncertainty, directly translates to : "It is unfortunate I have to hear you bitching right now. I want you to shut up. I am going to say words now in the hope that you will do just that. I am certainly not sorry, and to boot, I think you're stupid."

"THAT" is the keyword to sincere apologies. I'm sorry THAT I made you angry. I'm sorry THAT I got you pregnant. I'm sorry THAT I also got your sister pregnant.

I'm also sorry THAT I rub my crotch on people in the subway.

This is not about Google, the bastards.

2013-01-06T15:41:00.001-07:00

My doctor prescribed new Fibromyalgia medication. I just titrated* up to two a day. They make me feel like this. Almost.

*My dictionary doesn't know the word "titrated." Clearly, it doesn't have any sort of medical issues. Checking that it is correct via google** and waiting a really long time for everything to load is really beyond my scope of patience right now. But I did it anyway, for you. But my computer is really slow. It doesn't seem to be made for my new drawing program, or maybe it is because I never restart it, because I don't have the patience to wait for shit to load when I do. I want a new computer.

** My dictionary also doesn't know the word "google" which is pretty fucking stupid since I have the "Ask Google for Suggestions" option check. You would think that Google would suggest that google was fucking correct. Oh, it wants to be capitalized. Well, fuck you Google, you should know that you are now a verb and not a proper verb (is there such thing as a proper verb?) so you don't get to be capitalized when I am verbing you***. You are just so vain. You probably think this post is about you. Well, it's not. It is about me being stoned because Tylenol makes me sleepy, so Neurontin is making me fly on a pink sparkly pega-narwhal, so fuck you, Google.

***Oh, wait, my bad. I wasn't verbing you, was I? I blame the drugs for that outburst. I'm sorry. I love you Google.

2012 Cheesy Wrap Up

2012-12-30T17:21:00.000-07:00

Happy New Year's Eve Eve, Cheeseblargians!

I wish you all a happy and prosperous new year, with all of the LOLs and NOMs and UNFs you could hope for. I also wish me the same because I am fairly self-centered.

I come bearing a ton of funny for the end of the year, in the form of my comic, CRAP! which you should be reading and sharing, though most of you aren't which is a bit discouraging, but today, we reach the crux of what the comic is really about, so maybe that will be the camel straw that makes people actually respond to what I am doing so I am not just drawing this damned thing only to amuse myself (though it really really does amuse me, greatly... because I know what is going to happen). Be a hipster, like it before everyone else does!

Click the previews below to get to the comic page, which, for the unobservant, is also up in the right corner of the new navigation bar (^ that a-way)

Instead of posting them as separate posts, I'm archiving all of them here and on Tumbler, which I am now using, but as you see, I am inserting the E in there, right where it belongs. Future postings should be posted at the bottom of new posts in the same form as above.

Also, my Tard the Grumpy Cat drawing is in the I Can Has Cats t-shirt contest at We Love Fine, and if you wanted to rate that shit, that would be super awesome PLUS helping funny artists is good for your New Year karma, I've been told.

click the picture to go vote!

I also wanted to share this awesome drawing of me (the real me- I actually have a nose) done by reader Milina P. because it is friggen awesome. I love it when you guys draw me, or my characters, or llama narwhal hybrids. <3

Wonder Jodee!

And this was sent to me overnight by reader Amanda E. who bought me the cake I desperately wanted that they don't sell in the Northwest. It was delicious, Amanda, thank you! You continue to RULE! =D

And that's all. It has been a pretty cool year. I hope next year will hold more posts, comic stories and fun exciting things, including me winning the lottery or somehow becoming independently wealthy so I can take a trip to the Grand Canyon finally, and go back to NYC so I can ~~stalk my College Humor crush, Emily~~ visit my favorite city ever without getting robbed again, and maybe finally find out what the hell that smell is under Grand Central Station.

So again, Happy New Year's! I love you guys... and I'm not even drunk!

Cheeseblarg OUT!

See you next year!

They get me EVERY time.

2012-12-27T16:58:00.000-07:00

Things That are Always Terrifying:

in order of amount of terror caused

created from this image

created from this video

Hanukkah 2012: 8th Night- CRAPTASTIC!

2012-12-15T16:33:00.001-07:00

I hope you have enjoyed this year's Hanukkah. Mine hasn't sucked terribly, and I have actually gotten quite a few useful things (which I don't think has happened before, ever). Tonight, for the final night of Hanukkah, your present is PAGE THREE of CRAP! which actually reveals a good part of what this comic is actually about, though there are a few more surprises in store. If I get encouragement (comments, views, proposals), I will share more soon, and if not, I will share it when I feel like it. If you missed pages one and two, you can find them using this link --> I'm a link <-- because comics make more sense when you read them in order.

Click here to see it full sized for ease of reading and whatnot.

Hanukkah 2012: 7th Night - Llamakkah

2012-12-14T17:35:00.000-07:00

My nephew came over for Hanukkah the other night and exclaimed "YEA, THERE ARE ONLY THREE NIGHTS LEFT!" Clearly, he gets this holiday.

Today has been a long day. I am unprepared. Your present is a stern look from a llama. Consider it a coupon for a free post sometime when the world sucks less.

Hanukkah 2012: 6th Night- Dr. Whonukkah

2012-12-13T14:39:00.001-07:00

Happy 6th Night of Hanukkah!

Tonight, your present is a Dalek Menorah!

CELEBRATE! CELEBRATE! CELEBRATE! CELEBRATE! CELEBRATE! CELEBRATE!

CELEBRATE! CELEBRATE! CELEBRATE!CELEBRATE! CELEBRATE!

CELEBRATE! CELEBRATE! CELEBRATE!

Hanukkah 2012: 5th Night -Nom Nom Nomukkah

2012-12-12T17:22:00.000-07:00

You get a re-gift tonight, because I said so, but it is still awesome, and perfect gift for your belly on the 5th night of Hanukkah. But first, let's light the candles!

(there is a video here ^)

Potato Latkes

4 medium potatoes, peeled and cut
1/2 medium onion, quartered
1 teaspoon salt
1/4 cup matzo meal
2 large eggs
oil for frying
Sour cream and apple sauce

Heat about 1/4 inch of oil in a very large fry pan over medium heat.
Place cut and peeled potatoes in bowl of processor and chop finely until no large pieces remain.
Add onion and chop until uniform.
Add salt, matzo meal and eggs and pulse to mix well. Should have the consistency of apple sauce.
Place 1/4 cup portions of uncooked latke mixture into hot oil in batches (it should sizzle when some batter is added) flatten slightly and fry until golden brown.
Flip carefully and fry other side until done.
Drain on paper towels.
Eat hot with sour cream and/or apple sauce.