Ideas By Chuck

PitchMen

2009-06-28T10:52:00.000-07:00

Don't you hate it when your favorite AS SEEN ON TV pitchman dies? Can't see yourself watching TV stoned at 4am ever again? Are you looking for an answer?

How about an Ideas By Chuck IDEA? What's that?! Stay tuned to find out more!

When I heard that Billy Mays had passed away, I got sad. But then I thought to myself WWBMD? Billy Mays would dry his tears away with a Zorbeez™ the AS SEEN ON TV super absorbent towel, and turn this tragedy into opportunity.

I know what you are thinking! How can you do that? Well Sharon, in the next few paragraphs I am going to tell you about an amazing new idea that can turn your life around and that frown upside down! So stick around and find out how!

Now, I am sure that you are all avid followers of Billy's Discovery Channel show PitchMen, a brilliant combination of advertising and drama, but where will this show go now that Billy is gone? Do you really think that Anthony "Sully" Sullivan can carry the show by himself?

Say it with me! - I DON'T THINK SO!

Sullivan can't handle all the pitching by himself, so who will carry the show? Who will step in to sell fine products to the good people of America? Who will make offers even sweeter by doubling what you get for the same price for limited times? Who will throw in additional amazing items at NO EXTRA COST?

WHO WILL FILL BILLY MAYS' SHOES?

Vince Offer, A.K.A. The Shamwow Guy? No! His image is so dirty that even OxiClean™ could get it clean. His recent arrest for attacking a prostitute has knocked him off the short list. Vince Offer?

Say it with me! - I DON'T THINK SO!

Ron Popeil of RonCo fame? No! He is too old! He's so old, he could have invented breathing. Do you think America will trust a guy that old?

Say it with me! - I DON'T THINK SO!

Say, Sharon, do you remember when I told you that I had an idea? Say folks, do you remember when I said I had an idea? Well, here it is!

PitchMen should be turned into a search for America's Next Big Pitchman!

What do you think about that folks? Just imagine watching the exploits of 15 unknown pitch men and women as they try to become the next Billy Mays! And don't forget about all the amazing product placement that this makes possible! Doesn't that sound exciting folks?

Say it with me! - I DO THINK SO!!!

The show would be hosted by Anthony Sullivan and each week a panel of judges randomly composed of stoners, housewives, and the unemployed would decide the contestants' fates. Special guest appearances by Ralph Nader could also be a regular part of the show.

Act now! If you are a Discovery Channel Executive Producer, Anthony Sullivan, or someone else at Sullivan Productions, and you use this idea to make millions, please send me some of that cash +S&H. Sorry, no CODs. Hurry! Act now and I will throw in another idea for FREE! The special limited edition Michael Jackson sequin covered Ove Glove!™. This is a limited time offer, so act now!

P.S. Subscribe to Ideas By Chuck and for a limited time I will dedicate one of my prayers for Billy Mays to you for FREE.

P.P.S. I was sad about Michael Jackson too, but with ideas like the vibrating yoga ball, I think you all understand why I had to make this mainly about Billy Mays.

P.P.P.S. I am still on Twitter. Follow me - ideasbychuck.

MasterDaters

2009-06-22T12:29:00.000-07:00

Yeah, this is my 75th idea, and I know some of you are wondering when I am going to either become super rich, and or give up on this whole ideas blog thing. If I am bad at one thing, it is giving up. Men who refuse to give up on other people's ideas are zealots, fanatics, and obsessive compulsive. Men who refuse to give up on their own ideas are men of vision. I say, "men" because I am a man, and my friend has a hat that says, "men of vision" on it, but you can put a "wo-" in front of all the "mens" if you want to. There are definitely some women of vision out there too, but I am a man, so I want to be a man of vision. Long story short - I'm not giving up yet.

For this Special Edition 75th Idea I am going to give you, my millions of loyal readers, an idea that I actually worked on selling to someone before I got sidetracked. I almost had the time, energy, and passion to bring THIS idea to life.

MASTERDATERS - A multi-platform dating spectacle.

MasterDaters is a speed dating event with combined with Iron Chef, Wipe Out, Singled Out, and Monday Night football. Participants go on a series of speed dates while having their moves and mistakes documented and analyzed by snarky commentators using all the modern sports coverage tools such as screen graphics and instant replay. Michael Buckley and Greg Behrendt could be a good host duo, especially if their hair can be brought under control.

The show would also feature rotating special guests such as Dr. Sue, Dr. Drew, Dr. John Gray, Neil Straus, and other relationship experts, plus a roving on-field reporter (the usual hot chick with big breasts, raspy voice, and a slightly checkered past brandishing an oversized, overly phallic microphone). She would interview participants of interest as they move to their next date.

The main point to make about this show is that there are no winners or losers, well... at least not in the usual game show sense of these words. This is more about the spectacle, the event - People meeting People. There would be a live audience, a DJ, lights etc. and the show would be filmed at a hot club.

Every episode ends with a big dance party.

INTERNET TIE IN - Everyone wants this so bad!

The show would tour from city to city, and would be promoted like a big party with a MTV Spring Break vibe, single people flocking to it for the chance to be on TV, meet other singles, and party. Participants would be chosen from the crowd like the Price is Right, and casting would be fairly loose. Every person chosen to be a participant would be given a profile on the MasterDaters singles networking/dating site in a special "as seen on TV" section (obviously, this could also be worked out as a partnership with Facebook or Myspace).

Everyone else who comes out will be strongly encouraged to join the MasterDaters site etc. and they will all have to go to the MasterDaters sight the next day to check out the branded Cobra-Snake-like photos of themselves from the crazy after party.

Unlike other dating shows that are very LA-centric until they run out of people in LA claiming not to be actors, this show would reach out to the rest of the country. You like someone you see on the show they shot in your city, you can go online and contact them. Plus, the large amount of contestants on each episode would present a wide variety of interest for the viewing public.

Get this show on TV, and get your diamond bedazzled checkbook out to write me a check with lots of zeros involved. This is going to make someone a ton of money because done right this show can tie together live events, television broadcasts, and web content in a very cohesive and powerful way that sponsors will be fighting tooth and nail to get a piece of, and after all, that's what it's all about, gettin a piece!

P.S. Subscribing to Ideas By Chuck might make you sexy. Click Here.

P.P.S. Check out my interview on Courtesy Flush. Click Here.

P.P.P.S. Check out my interview on The Molls Show. Click Here.

P.P.P.P.S. Check out my interview on TBTL live tonight 8pm Pacific or recorded if you aren't reading this on 6/22/09. Click Here.

P.P.P.P.P.S. If you want the PDF one sheet for MasterDaters, contact me through Twitter.

3-D The Movie

2009-06-07T16:31:00.000-07:00

Some people have been calling Seth Rogen the next Tom Hanks, and for a while now I have been pushing the idea that Tom Hanks and Seth Rogen will be in a movie together soon. It just seems like some movie executive's wet dream. I even made a shirt that says, "Untitled Tom Hanks/Seth Rogen Project." This is one movie idea that I think I can really will into existence, especially since it is basically like predicting that it will rain sometime in the next year.

Recently, I started really thinking harder about it and came up with a title and plot for the film. I also decided that the movie should be shot in 3-D because all the movie studios have hard-ons for 3-D because it gives people a reason to actually go to the movies again.

Title: 3-D The Movie
Genre: Laugh Out Loud Romantic Comedy
Logline: Be Kind Rewind meets The Majestic meets Doc Hollywood.

Synopsis: Party boy Barry Bender (Seth Rogen) is on top of the world until his trust fund's entire stock portfolio tanks and everyone abandons him. He contemplates suicide, but as he climbs out onto the ledge of his lawyer's 54th floor office, he gets a call from Jerry Reynolds (Tom Hanks), his long lost older brother that he never knew he had. Jerry explains that their father just passed away, leaving Barry half of everything he owned.

Barry travels to Bozeman, Montana for his father's funeral and to survey his newly acquired assets. Barry is feeling pretty good until he discovers that all he has inherited is half of a floundering second-run movie theater. With nowhere to go, he decides to stay in town and try to sell his half.

Barry and Jerry clash at first and Barry sticks out like a sore thumb, and wants out as fast as possible until he meets the beautiful, mysterious, and slightly nutty Shali Patel (Freida Pinto). Sparks fly, but she wants nothing to do with his party boy, do nothing lifestyle. He has to change to win her heart.

Eventually, the brothers find common ground in their love of movies and Barry comes up with a whacky plan to turn the theater around. They make every movie they show "3-D" by hiring actors from the community theater including Shali Patel and using kooky DIY special effects - spraying water on the audience during Jaws, shaking the seats during Earthquake, etc.

The "3-D" movies are a hit. People start coming from miles around to see experience their favorite old movies in this new, wacky way. It is such a big hit that a giant movie theater chain comes to town and offers to buy the theater. At first, Barry jumps at the chance to get back to his old life and says yes to selling the theater. Shali overhears him agree to the sale and storms off. Barry realizes that he would rather stay in Bozeman with her than leave. He runs after her, only to discover that she has left town, and that she is the heiress to a hotel chain fortune.

With Jerry's help, he is able to track her down, and the movie ends with him coming out on stage at a charity screening of When Harry Met Sally that Shali is attending in Hollywood. Barry professes his love for her. Jerry meets Meg Ryan, and they instantly click.

The four of them live happily ever after.

Are you ready to write this yet? Are you ready to executive produce it? Are you ready to act in it? Tom? Seth? Doesn't it have "hit" written all over it?

Selling Points:

1. 3-D! The studios love 3-D!

2. Tom Hanks and Seth Rogen get butts in the seats.

3. Using footage from old movies would save money in the production of the film, and also boost DVD sales, rentals, and downloads of those movies.

4. America is F'n jonesing to see Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan on screen together again.

If you decide to write the script, please give me a writer credit, and if you sell it, please give me some of the money. Actually, try to get some points. I'll take one point.

P.S. I heard that Stephen Hawking subscribes to Ideas By Chuck. Besides being paralyzed and confined to a wheelchair, don't you want to be like Stephen Hawking? Subscribe.

P.P.S. Freida Pinto is so hot!

P.P.P.S. Why do Indian women hate me?

P.P.P.P.S. I am on Twitter, and it seems to be going well. You can follow me if you want. Click Here.

Zingerade Spicy Lemonade

2009-05-29T14:54:00.000-07:00

Do you want to start your own bottled drink company, but you're worried that the market is saturated? There are tons of teas, tonics, sodas, sport drinks, colas, waters, ales, punches, potions, and elixirs out there on the market. Where could you possibly fit in? What kind of market share could you possibly hope to dig out of that mountain of refreshment?

You have your heart set on starting your own drink company don't you? Don't you? Yes you do. Yes you do. Don't you?

Lucky for you, you know me, and I can tell you a drink that no one is bottling, no one is marketing, no one is selling, and yet hundreds of thousands of people are drinking. What is it?

The master cleanse lemonade, made from lemons, maple syrup, cayenne pepper, and of course, water. If anyone is selling this pre-made, I can't find it. I would brand it "Zingerade." Zingerade.com is available, it sounds cool, and conveys the general vibe of the product. It is slightly cliche, but so was Powerade, and that was put out by CocaCola. Give me a couple of million bucks and I will come up with a better name (that is an offer for CocaCola too).

I know what you are thinking. You are thinking that the master cleanse lemonade sounds really gross. Well, it is actually pretty good. I have never been on the master cleanse, but for some reason every woman that I know tries to do it at least three times a year. Most of the time they fail, but I have had many chances to taste the spicy lemonade, and I like to take chances. It has a definite zing and a taste that just keeps giving. A unique flavor is hard to find, but this is one that is sitting right there giving you the finger.

Even if it tasted like total crap, it has medicinal properties. We all know that if you tell people something is good for them, it can taste like poop mixed with tartar sauce, and they will still drink it or eat it. Cayenne pepper quells hunger and boosts your metabolism. You don't have to be on a seven day fast to want to drink something that will stop you from eating seven twinkies between lunch and dinner while helping you burn more calories.

The convenience of this drink would attract anyone doing the master cleanse, and though it might sound crazy, there are tons of people out there not on the master cleanse or trying to lose weight who would drink Zingerade. People who smoke or drink heavily crave spicy foods because their taste buds have been killed off (I know all you drinkers are already thinking about what this would taste like mixed with vodka). Why do you think Bloody Marys are so popular?

Even if you hate the product just think of the marketing campaigns.

"Spice up your lemonade! Spice up your life! Zingerade!"

"Zingerade! The Juice with real Juice!"

"Jump-Start Your Lemonade! Zingerade!"

"Drink Zingerade or DIE FAT AND ALONE!"

You don't have to be a genius to see that this has some real potential. Make this idea happen. Make some money. Make your bed. Make out a check to me for two million dollars.
P.S. You really should subscribe to Ideas By Chuck. If you don't who will?

P.P.S. Zingerade and vodka is great.

P.P.P.S. If I can follow a chair that reports every time someone farts on it, you can follow me. Click here.

Bluetooth Walkie Talkie Headset

2009-05-17T15:27:00.000-07:00

This idea is like a very, very, very good brownie recipe. I am basically just telling you the ingredients for success. You don't have to go find a secret ingredient. You don't have to learn a new way to bake the brownies. All you have to do is go get the ingredients and bake them up into the best selling brownies the church bake sale has ever seen, singlehandedly raising the money for the youth group's missionary trip to Belize.

To tell you the truth, I almost didn't put this up as an idea because it feels very simple and specific to TV/Film production, but then I thought back to my Magical Binder idea, which took the world by storm, and I had to share this with the masses as well.

When most people here the two words, "walkie" and "talkie" together, they think about toys in the shape of Mighty Morphing Power Rangers or Hello Kitty with an average life span of about four days and a range from here to the Smith's backyard, but there are people who still use walkie talkies in real life, to do real work. I am one of them.

In TV/Film production we use big, bulky, serious walkie talkies. The walky talkies we use make effective weapons, withstand serious abuse at the hands of some very cranky people, and will pull your pants down if you aren't wearing a belt.

Here is the idea: a bluetooth adapter for walkie talkies that would allow you to use your bluetooth headset with the walkie talkie.

There are several different headset options for the walkie talkies we use. Some are clunky and make you look like Janet Jackson or a drive through manager at McDonald's, while others are much less clunky but make you feel like you have just been plugged into the Matrix. I want a bluetooth solution.

I know the technology exists out there to make this happen, so go make this happen. If you create a bluetooth adapter, send me one. I will make sure that you sell a bunch of them right off the bat through my connections in the world of TV/Film production as well as sexy ninjas.

Also, remember, if you make a lot of money off of this idea, you should send me some of that money. It will make you feel good. Remember Edgar Allen Poe's tale, "The Telltale Heart."

P.S. Subscribe to Ideas By Chuck before I get so famous you hear about me from your grandmother.

P.P.S. Isn't that ninja sexy?

P.P.P.S. You can still follow me on Twitter.

Pickpocket In Your Pocket

2009-05-09T20:05:00.000-07:00

"Please, Sir, I want some more... interesting and interactive video games that might help me meet people rather than curl up into a ball of fat and self pity on my couch."

-Oliver Twist (kinda)

Most games are more fun to play with other people. Computers have become pretty good at playing with us, but are not as much fun to tease and cajole with before and after. It's this comradery and social interaction that makes playing games with others more fun, even if you don't quite know your opponent, through game play, you get to know them.

“Games are a compromise between intimacy and keeping intimacy away.”

-Eric Berne (some Canadian guy)

Recently I have been playing a lot of Tetris on my phone (high score on Ultra - 20,092). It keeps me from calling and texting people obsessively when I am alone and lonely. If only I could play Tetris while drunk, if only.

Tons of people play video games on their phones now. In fact, almost everyone with a cell phone has a game on it that they play. The sad thing is, most people play these games when they are alone in a crowd, when they are sitting in a waiting room or on a bus, train, plane, or boat surrounded by dozens of other people.

What if there was a video game that helped people interact?

Here is the idea: A pickpocket video game that would detect other players in a certain radius of the player, via bluetooth. Players would collect money and items that other players would try to steal out from under their noses.

I could spend all day telling you various ideas for rules such as 'puzzle protectors' and 'guard dogs' to make it more exciting etc. but that would take ALL DAY. However, one aspect of the game that might make it more interesting, and would make it more profitable for the video game distributor would be the fact that people would actually pay minuscule amounts of money like five to ten cents for the items in their virtual purse or wallet.

This doesn't seem like much money? If Apple had loaded a game like this onto every iPhone for free from the beginning, there would be around 45 million people out there playing this game. If each one of those people decided to buy a virtual iPhone to put in their virtual pocket for 10cents each... Yeah, $4.5 million.

This kind of game could be designed to work on almost any phone on the market, and almost every phone on the market now has bluetooth built in for headset communication. Of course this kind of idea could easily be adapted to an existing game such as World of Warcraft, as some sort of add on.

P.S. Subscribe to Ideas By Chuck. You will regret it, but like sex with an anonymous stranger.

P.P.S. I still haven't gotten a call from U2. So hurt.

P.P.P.S. Sure it won't be as fun as iBoobs, but what could be?

P.P.P.P.S. Twitter is still being misused by millions, but if there is anyone you should follow on Twitter, it's me, ideasbychuck.

Gay Grizzly Adams

2009-04-26T10:52:00.000-07:00

A while back, I started talking to a bear trainer about Grizzly Adams. As our conversation unfolded, I learned many interesting facts about this American icon. My curiosity peeked, I rushed to the internet, to my Google for more information. And, with every new tidbit of information I gathered, a suspicion, a theory, a wild and unprovable accusation grew stronger in my mind.

The more I have found out about Grizzly Adams, the real Grizzly Adams, the more and more I have come to believe that he was gay.

So what? Many great men in history were probably gay, so why do I care about Grizzly Adams? Because! Silly! Operating on this assumption, you have the foundation for one of the greatest gay Hi-jinx movies ever! Move over Priscilla Queen of the Desert! Move over The Birdcage! Move over PEARL HARBOR (directed by Michael "Boo Bear" Bay)! There's a new queen in town!

I guess before you run off and write this movie, raise a couple of million dollars, produce it, and distribute it, you should know a little something about Grizzly Adams.

John Capen Adams or Grizzly Adams was a real man who trapped and trained bears in California in the mid 1800's. You can read more about him here.

1. He wore leather jumpsuits with tassels, and adorned himself with colorful feathers.

2. He paraded through the streets of San Francisco with his bears.

3. He left his wife and kids to move to San Francisco and live with bears.

4. He was a shoemaker before moving to the woods to live with bears.

5. He loved bears.

Sure, this is some pretty weak evidence, but other "biographical" films have been written and produced with much less information on their subjects. Don't ever let the truth get in the way of your story. After all, what are movies but long, entertaining lies. Moreover, there has already been a very popular, successful, and totally inaccurate movie and television series based on the life of Grizzly Adams. The Life and Times of Grizzly Adams was a total reimagingineering of his story, not to mention, pretty gay its self.

Although I am very sick of seeing him in movies, and I wish he would just go away and form some sort of foundation for children and only be seen or heard from once a year for his annual telethon, I can't imagine a better actor to play Grizzly Adams than Will Ferrell.

Make this movie happen! Do it! Do it! Do it!
P.S. If you don't want to subscribe to ideas by chuck, don't click here.

P.P.S. The same bear trainer who told me about Grizzly Adams told me about a guy getting his calf bitten off by a zebra. Long story short, zebras are dangerous.

P.P.P.S. This was not meant to be offensive to gays or lesbians. I am sorry if it was. If you are a gay or lesbian filmmaker, you can probably get some grants to make this movie. The imaginative rebranding of an American icon as gay must be on the top of some special interest group's list.

P.P.P.P.S. You want to hear about things like me going to the bathroom? Follow me on Twitter.

America's Goth Talent

2009-04-20T14:32:00.000-07:00

Do you feel as if the spirit of Amalasuntha has forsaken you? Well, you aren't the only one. But thy luck is bound to change before the feast of the Beltane, if you are able to sell NBC on my new show idea: America's Goth Talent.

Sure, you might think that there are enough talent shows on TV right now what with American Idol, America's Got Talent, Dancing With The Stars, America's Next Top Model, Project Runway, So You Think You Can Dance, Top Chef, Who Wants To Be A Super Hero, and many others already on the air, but you would be wrong (sorry). None of these talent shows showcase talents such as ritualistic mutilation, suicide poetry, channeling demons, or endurance crying. There would be some crossover acts such as contortionists, sword swallowers, and flame jugglers, but really this would be the only place for many talented youngsters to shine, in a dark and brooding way of course.

I am not going to pretend that there haven't been shows before that have given us a glimpse into this world. Ripley's Believe It Or Not! hosted by Dean Cane definitely shined a sallow light into the dark underworlds of the goth subculture, but the it lacked the elements of competition and soul raping that the other competition shows reap and sow with every waning moon. Plus, Dean Cane, though a nice guy I am sure, came off as irrelevant, disconnected, and douchey as the host. I guess there was supposed to be a juxtaposition between Mr. Perfect and the freak-show, but it always just struck me as awkward.

I would tap Jim Rose to host the show. He has a little bit of experience with this kind of thing, and I think he can juggle.

One selling point that you can use when approaching NBC is the fact that they can use the same set and judges for America's Goth Talent as America's Got Talent. All they have to do is put some fake cobwebs up and use more spot lighting. David Hasselhoff already kind of looks like an old elven woman, the other guy has the British accent that all goth kids wish they had, and Sharon Osbourne is already practically a goth goddess.

Advertisers and sponsors would include the surgical stainless steal industry, leather, any cosmetic companies who sell cheap black eyeliner, gothic teddy bear manufacturers, colored contact manufacturers, fang manufacturers, and journal makers.

P.S. Subscribe to ideas by chuck, or I will send the demons of hell after you. Just kidding... or am I?

P.P.S. If you want to hear about the most boring and inane moments of my life, click here.

P.P.P.S. Marilyn Manson's song The Dope Show would be the perfect theme song for the show. Not just because Marilyn Manson is a major goth icon, but because it is one of his only songs that I have ever been able to listen to all the way through, and it is actually pretty catchy.

Bonjour Date Night

2009-04-10T13:51:00.000-07:00

Online dating is booming. Booming. People are looking to the silicon circuits to get their hands on some silicon circles, if you know what I mean.

Sure online dating is convenient and cheaper than regular dating, or going to a bar or church to try to pick up chicks. You don't have to pay for gas, food, or drinks (that church wine isn't really free). You have a certain amount of anonymity and safety. Plus, you don't have to feign interest in the arts or belief in god. You just have to have a nice picture of yourself and learn how to type "LOL" without thinking.

This is of course also the problem with online dating, misrepresentation. People use pictures of themselves from 10th grade or the last time they had a full head of hair and didn't have a double chin, and if the picture is recent there are a host of different techniques that people have quickly mastered to make themselves look better, from only posting pictures taken from more than fifteen feet away, to the always effective "Myspace angles." Moreover, don't every forget about Photoshop. With Photoshop I could make myself look like a Jewish Mel Gibson if I wanted to.

What if you could have the best of both worlds? What if there was a dating service that would let you talk to and choose who you wanted to talk to and meet through your computer, while at the same time being able to see them in person? Wouldn't you be interested in that? Don't you think other people would like that too?

Here is the idea: a bonjour dating night.

If you have a Mac, Bonjour is a program that you have on your computer ( Mac or PC is one of the eHarmony 29 levels of compatibility). Bonjour is part of the iChat program. Basically, when you log into it, it allows you to see and talk to anyone who is using the same wireless network as you and signed into Bonjour. It is a pretty nifty tool for file sharing etc. Even if you don't like this idea, you just learned something.

Basically, you would have a night at a coffee shop or somewhere like that with free WIFI. All the singles interested in participating would log onto Bonjour and chat away. If you meet someone you like talking to enough, someone you are interested in, they are sitting right there. They can tell you where they are, or you can tell them where you are. If you like each other enough, you can talk in person. They are right there, so there can be no misrepresentation, at least as far as appearance is concerned ( this does not take into account any whigs, pushup bras, or fake noses ).

Moreover, the singles participating are most likely from around the area, so you don't end up in a long distance relationship with a French model, or being asked to go sailing in the Adriatic as a first date by a Greek dignitary. In the very least you could meet some people from your neighborhood ( smart, cool people with Macs ).

P.S. Subscribing to Ideas By Chuck is hip and cool. I heard that Don Johnson was a subscriber. You want to be like Don Johnson? Subscribe.

P.P.S. Monique, if you are reading this, I still miss you. If you ever get your green card for modeling, please let me know.

P.P.P.S. I am thinking of giving up freelance thinking, so if you own a think tank and have any openings, let me know.

Disappearing Ink Cartridges

2009-04-05T10:38:00.000-07:00

Sure, I know what some of you are thinking. You read the headline, and you are thinking that I have lost my edge. You are thinking that this is the stupidest thing you have ever heard of. Maybe you think I fell down some stairs into a tub of stupid. Maybe you want me to give up. Maybe you think I have lost my edge. Now you are really starting to believe that I have lost my edge because I have said it three times now.

Well, I hate to tell you this, but you are wrong. I said edge three times for good luck and for any U2 fans out there who might be searching for their guitar hero. Later on in this post I will even say guitar again, so that this blog post will show up as being very relevant for anyone searching for The Edge's guitar (there is a method to my madness). This is the most brilliant idea I have ever had.

Yeah, and let me tell you what the idea actually is before you start judging me and it.

Idea: print cartridges that are filled with ink that disappears completely after a certain and finite amount of time.

Why? What good would that do?

Most information these days is stored electronically, and many printed business documents are only actually relevant for a short period of time. If you had ink that would disappear after a certain amount of time, you could reuse some of the paper without having to actually expend the time, effort, and materials to recycle it.

Not a good enough reason for you?

How about this one?

Everyone these days is worried about identity theft and fraud. Wouldn't it put your mind at ease to know that documents such as bills with your personal information on them would not last for more than a couple of weeks? Aren't you sick of shredding documents? I know I am sick of hearing you shred documents.

This kind of thing could really give the first company to adopt it a real... edge. I know there are more than a couple of banks out there at the moment that could use this kind of advantage, but I wouldn't wait for them to do something smart like listen to me.

You should take this idea and run for it. Sure I don't have any chemical formulas to share with you, but if Jerky's Joke shop has a pretty good formula already, you can probably come up with something.

P.S. Check out the left side of the screen. Can you find the word, "subscribe" there?

P.P.S. I bet Bernie Madoff wishes he had used some of this disappearing ink in his records. He wouldn't have gotten caught by Andrew McCarthy and Jonathan Silverman. Oh, wait... hmmm.

P.P.P.S. If you want to get the most boring and inane updates on my life, click here.

Rosetta Bone

2009-03-15T17:32:00.000-07:00

Do you want to make money? Do you want to bring the world closer together, I mean really CLOSER together? Do you want to facilitate and encourage learning? Do you really want to make money? Do you want to make lots of money?

One summer I was lucky enough to be part of a study abroad program in Italy. I lived in Cortona, Italy, a small walled city made famous by the book "Under The Tuscan Sun." I ate, drank, danced, studied art, made love, and summoned from the bricks and stones of this ancient city on a hill the spirits of my ancestors around me like a magical cloak of destiny. Yeah, I drank a ton.

While I was there, I came across some Italian pornography that was laid out like a live action comic book, with narration boxes as well as thought and dialog bubbles guiding the reader through hardcore erotic adventures.

A scholar at heart, I set about translating these stories. Would Rocco figure out where Sophia had hidden his keys? I wanted to know, and though the plot lines were less than complex, they were more than titillating. You know what I mean.

It was at this time that I first started thinking about an erotic language learning system, and so this idea was born:

Rosetta Bone, an erotic language learning system.

If you don't see how amazing this idea is, let me give you some hardcore reasons that this idea will lead you to be showered in gold (not to be confused with a golden shower).

First, porn plot lines are simple and repetitious just like every language learning system. If you have to hear about Federica getting a dress for the school dance, getting ready for the dance, going to the dance, dancing at the dance, leaving the dance, and remembering how great the dance was, wouldn't you at least like to see Federica get double teamed by Luca and Anthony after the dance?

Second, learning while in a state of arousal and through multiple modes of stimulation has been proven time and time again to be the most effective way to learn. If you don't believe me, you can go do some research on your own. This Northwestern University study might be a good place to start.

Third, most people going to another country for a short or long period of time want to know how to get three things accomplished in the native tongue: get food, find a bathroom, and get sex. All porn is, is eating, swallowing, and, well I won't go on with that, but if you don't get the idea...uhh...uhh...you probably shouldn't be reading this.

Speaking purely to the making money aspect of this whole thing, people love porn. Your system could be totally worthless and ineffective on the language learning side, but if it is hot porn, people will still pay money to see it.

Carpe Denari!

P.S. You should subscribe to Ideas By Chuck. I don't get a portable TV, Garfield phone, or a trip to Epcot Center for getting a certain number of subscribers. I just don't want you to miss my next big idea.

P.P.S. You should start with Latin. Why? Cause it's the HARDEST!

P.P.P.S. Talk Dirty: Spanish and similar titles are already a bestsellers. This is not a big leap.

P.P.P.P.S. Don't you want to know what those Dutch chicks are saying? Don't you? REALLY! Make this idea reality!

College Satellite Radio

2009-03-01T22:22:00.000-08:00

Recently I have been thinking about radio. Radio. Radio.

The talk radio station that I listened to closed up shop recently, and I miss it. Sure I started listening to it because I broke the antenna off my car, and it was the only station that would come in, but I had come to love it, kind of like the way Mallory almost loved Skippy that time they got trapped in the basement, or the way Karl came to understand Steve a little more that time they got trapped in a box car. You can't love what you do not know.

Now I am lost. I have actually been listening to Ryan Seacrest in the mornings. I keep hearing about a show called Kevin and Bean, but I can't seem to find it. They must not say their own name a lot, which I consider a good thing, but it is making it harder for me to figure out what channel they are on when I get in my car at 5:30am.

Anyway, I have been thinking about radio, and hearing a lot of stuff about satellite radio and how it isn't making any money. Some of you might know that XM Satellite radio was absorbed by Sirius not to long ago because they just couldn't cut it.

Why can't satellite make it? Why aren't they making cash money? Why isn't the fact that they can curse and you can hear the same person cursing anywhere in the country selling subscriptions?

Listen up Sirius and XM corporate grunts. I am going to tell you something that will help you shoot to the top of the corporate ionosphere. If you have a consulting firm, you might also want to take notes or just print this out.

Why aren't people clamoring for satellite radio?

There is not enough of a difference in the quality and the product for people to care enough to pay. Who is going to pay $10 for a slightly larger orange when the slightly smaller orange is free? Terrible analogy I know, but maybe you get it.

Here is my idea to make satellite radio a money maker: Sirius XM needs to designate 20 or so channels for crazy people, alright, not crazy people, but just anyone who wants to pay $2000 to be on the radio for a year. Give them each one hour a week to do whatever they want with.

What does this do?

First of all, it will raise over $6.7 million if all the spots are sold.

Second of all, you will instantly create a 3360 person street team, hustling, annoying, bugging, throwing tantrums, and pestering every single one of their family and friends to subscribe to satellite radio.

Third and most importantly of all, it will make better use of the advantage that satellite has over regular radio, which is the lack of censorship. Let the crazy guy get on the radio to mutter about flying saucers for an hour. Let the preacher get on and rant about God hating everyone but dogs named Sue. Let the guy with Tourett's Syndrome finally get his shot at being the Wolf Man.

Wouldn't you tell your friends about a crazy guy named Chuck with lots of crazy ideas or a radio show that consisted completely of records being played backwards?

It would be very similar to college radio or YouTube. Everyone who wants their shot gets their shot.

P.S. Subscribe to me, so you will be the first person on the block to find out my airtime on satellite radio.

P.P.S. $2000 a year is less than $40 a week, which is less than 10 packs of cigarettes in most parts of the United States.

P.P.P.S. Go watch UHF if you have any doubts.

P.P.P.P.S. Do you remember when the gang on Saved By The Bell found that radio station hidden deep inside Bayside High, or did I just imagine that?

Hybrid Vs. Inbred

2009-02-16T10:07:00.000-08:00

Fair warning, this is one of my more socially conscious ideas, so no big payday. But, if you work for Tesla Motors, Toyota, Zap Cars, or any other hybrid/electric car companies, you will probably be interested in this, as you have a vested interest in seeing it happen. Listen up, and get ready to act on my unsolicited advice.

As many of you, my hundreds of millions of adoring readers, know, I am very interested in the environment. I have had several ideas about ways we could save the world from getting McDonald's to place the first franchise on the moon to candy cane chopsticks. I care about the environment and the world not dying. I care, so I think that President Barack Obama needs to invite the head honchos from NASCAR to the White House and have a little chat.

What should this chat be about? President Barack Obama needs to strongly encourage them, in Dick Cheney kind of way (guns, sticks, water and car batteries), to allow hybrid technology to be used in NASCAR race cars.

Why?

Well, the way I see it, we need some competition to get us competing again. I keep hearing Chevy touting its NASCAR win record, but you don't here them bragging about their sales records. Competition breeds innovation, and we need some innovations. We need some better cars.

Now I know some of you are having your doubts. Why should Obama get involved? Presidents don't need to get involved in sports. Won't this change the spirit of NASCAR? Do I look fat in this outfit?

In 1905, President Teddy Roosevelt extended a similar invitation to the White House to all head honchos of American Football at that time because so many men were getting seriously injured or killed playing the game. He suggested several rule changes and modern football, one of the most popular sports in the world, was born.

So you see, Obama would not be the first President of the United States to take more than a casual interest in a sport. He would be following in the footsteps of a man with a big stick. There are three big guys up in Detroit that are dying, and he might be able to save them with a few rule changes.

Here is another history lesson. NASCAR was borne from bootlegging. Bootleggers were doing whatever they could to make their cars go faster and longer and they started competing against each other. The whole point of the sport, the competition, is to make your car go faster and last longer. The drivers are athletes, but the cars are the real stars.

If you were to go back in time and tell a bootlegger that his car would go 100 more miles on one tank of gas with a hybrid engine in it, what do you think he would say? Do you think he would turn up his nose at that? No. The cop cars can't chase you if they are out of gas. Do you really think that any serious bootlegger would ignore whatever advantage he could get?

This needs to happen. I went to school where Deliverance was filmed, and let me tell you, there are some smart hicks, hillbillies, and rednecks. They just need the right kind of motivation.

A few years ago it was blasphemy to even think about Toyotas competing, but today they do. Letting hybrid technology into the mix will not stop the cars from going fast, fans from getting drunk. It will not make the promo-girl-car-models that look like they can't possibly achieve an orgasm without having at least one hand on the hood of a car during sex disappear. There will still be burgers. People will vomit, and cars will still crash.

We need to start competing if we want to compete. I don't know if I am the first person to say that. It sounds like a Yogi Berra quote, but it is true. If you are the Secretary of State, you might want to whisper this into President Obama's ear at the next cabinet meeting.

P.S. Subscribing to IdeasByChuck might just save my life.

P.P.S. I love funnel cake.

P.P.P.S. I love funnel cake, and yes you look fat in that outfit.

P.P.P.P.S. Funnel cake is so good! Why is it so good!

Ideas By Chuck Reality Show

2009-02-09T15:20:00.000-08:00

This one kind of speaks for its self, but I will expound.

Picture this: "MythBusters" meets "The Apprentice" meets "I'm With Busey," but more interesting and sexy.

Cameras would follow me around through my depressing yet interesting daily life, while a team of producers, lawyers, businessmen, and scientists are hard at work trying to make money off of my ideas. It's a juxtaposition kind of thing.

I wouldn't get any real cash from the show unless one or more of my ideas proves to be lucrative. This is probably leading some of you to think that if the show is a hit, I should get some money since it was my idea in the first place. True, but I would make an exception for the actual show, though I do want a creator credit.

What makes me think that my life is interesting enough to carry a reality show?

Well, I live in Hollywood, which seems to be where most reality shows take place. I might not be Paris Hilton, but I have seen her limo, and I know where Club Hyde is. Yep, I live in Hollywood, so you can check that off your list. Hollywood: Check!

I work on TV shows and commercials and write and produce my own internet shows and commercials, and I could name about a dozen shows on TV right now that are about either TV shows or advertising agencies (if any producers of Mad Men are watching, I look good in bell bottoms and could have the most amazing mustache for a guest spot on Mad Men). Interesting job: Check!

I am an artist. I draw, paint, and write music. More importantly, people buy my art and love my music... love it... love. Superstar artist: Check!

I have interesting friends. Sure, everyone thinks that they have interesting friends, but do you have friends who have started a new carnocentric holiday season? Do you have friends who destroy the morning show circuits with awesomecore like my old band mates the Attractive Eighties Women? Do you have friends who have built their own villages, done photo shoots with America's Next Top Model winners, or travel the world just trying to have sex with women? Well, I do have these friends. I don't know why I have any friends at all, but I do, and they are pretty interesting and so hawt! Hawt friends: Double Check!

I even have my own clothing line, drawnika. Check it out at drawnika.com. You are pretty much a loser out here in Hollywood if you don't have your own clothing line. Clothing line: Check!

Sorry for tooting my own horn, but if you aren't going to toot your own horn, what is the point of having your own reality show? Right?

Toots own horn: Check! Check! Check!

Pluses for the producers:

1. I already have a pretty strong web presence and a good amount of content built up.

2. Any products that I have invented will get advertising before they even hit the market, and fans of the show will want to support my ideas, that is if they like me.

3. Picking a guy out of obscurity is sensational, and the show will definitely get some pretty good free publicity. Plus, there are sure to be bloggers going nuts either with praise or hatred for a fellow blogger plucked from the crowd.

4. My ideas are good.

5. Women and gay men ages 45-60 love me.

If you don't jump on this, you will be asked to leave the tribe (that was a reference to Survivor and not Judaism).

P.S. Subscribe to my blog. The more people that subscribe, the more subscribers I will have.

P.P.S. Floss daily.

Baldsploitation

2009-02-01T11:37:00.000-08:00

I was recently featured on the CNN Headline News show News To Me. I was interviewed for almost an hour by the show's host, Eric Lanford. The conversation was all very insightful and titillating, but of course it had to be cut down for time.

One thing that was left on the cutting room floor was Eric's plea to me, his plea for an idea to make money off of his baldness. Eric has a fairly stunningly bald head, which seems to almost glow in his publicity photos.

I tried to tell him that he was already making money off of his bald head since he is the host of a national TV show, but he wants more. He wants his head to work for him, bringing him riches beyond belief simply because of the fact that its follicles are flawlessly free of any errant hairs.

I thought about it. I thought about it long and hard. I literally began to pull my own hair out!

Finally, I decided that the way for a bald man to make money off of his baldness is to exploit other bald men, and if Eric doesn't act on this right away, it would be a shame. If he doesn't do this, one of you, his other shiny cue-ball compatriots, should definitely act as fast as possible on this idea.

Here is the idea: A calendar of famous bald men, the images created with aerial photographs of hundreds of bald men, the tops of their heads acting as the pixels.

Why is this a great idea?

1. People love photo mosaic art and any art that is something else when you get closer. Just ask Chuck Close. Okay, you can't ask him, because he is dead, but you can see his art on display all around the world. If I was putting together this calendar, he would be either January or December.

2. This is the perfect gift to give any bald man that you need to give a gift to, especially bald men that you don't know. It celebrates baldness in an artful and lighthearted way. Plus, no one wants to spend more than twenty bucks on the guy three cubicles down at work, knowing nothing personal about him except the fact that he is bald.

3. If I had to hazard a guess, I would say that at least two thirds of all calendars are bought by women, and there are a good number of women out there, though they may lurk in the shadows, who love bald men (I have no statistical data real or made-up to back this statement up).

4. People love wacky calendars. Go to the calendar section of your local bookmart or click here and you will find calendars featuring Pugs dressed like fishermen, naked firemen and babies, yoga dogs, outhouses, Jimi Hendrix, and even Nuns having fun. It's all about tapping into that tiny part of the brain that wants to know what day it is and see Sister Mary Francis on a roller coaster at the same time.

Eric, if you don't make this happen, you are really missing out on some bald generated revenue, and I don't think you will ever forgive yourself.

P.S. If you want to hear about my latest and greatest ideas before you hear about them from the bald guy three cubicles down at work, you should subscribe to my blog.

P.P.S. Eric, Barack Obama has his own calendar, shouldn't you? If you make this calendar, you can be Mr. July cause it's so hot!

P.P.P.S. If you are one of the 38 people that didn't catch my CNN HLN NTM appearance, click HERE.

P.P.P.P.S. You could probably put the same images on everything from coffee mugs to shoes and make even more money.

Drunk Girl Car Alarm

2009-01-14T05:31:00.000-08:00

Recently, my sister inherited a white '95 Pontiac Bonneville. It is in very nice condition, low milage, power everything, and an up-to-date service record from the dealership (No, I am not trying to sell you, my adoring readers, a car). It even has keyless entry and a car alarm, a car alarm so sensitive that it goes off if someone even looks at the car.

Don't know why, but I haven't known anyone with a car alarm in a while. Maybe everyone who really cares about their car has LoJack or Onstar now. Maybe The Club really is effective even when you just leave it sitting on your floor board 90% of the time. Or, maybe I haven't been around a car with a car alarm in a while because they are completely useless and ineffective.

When was the last time you heard a car alarm going off and even thought about going to investigate. Most people hate car alarms, and if you are someone who doesn't hate car alarms and think they are stupid, then you are either deaf or are some sort of electro-taint club DJ always looking for a new beat, a new sound... a new sound man... bro.

Guess what. Guess.

That's right, I have an idea for a more effective car alarm. I call it the Drunk Girl Car Alarm, and you probably already see where this is going. This car alarm would play a recording of two drunk girls giggling and yelling at each other.

"I AM SOOOOO DRUNK!"

"Becky Sue! Put your TOP back on...yur notgunna get laid tonight! Hahaha! What'r'you'doin? Hahaha!"

"Can you see my thong? Can you? Hahaha... I shouldn't have had all those Jello shots! Damn! I wish Beau was here... Where's Smitty and that black Mustang of his? Hu!"

"Hahaha! I can't waito getoutof these clothes...TAMMY! You want'm'to grab yur boob? FINE! Hahaha!"

If there are any guys within a half mile when these phrases are shouted with a slurred Southern accent, they will come to investigate. It's primordial instinct. This "Siren" call will be much more effective than any beeping, blaring, blubbering horn you could ever orchestrate. Plus, the kind of guys that are really going to flock to this... well...

You can make this a reality. You can make millions of dollars. And, if you are a good person, you can send me some of that money to say thanks.

You could find dozens of research papers and psychology books to support and explain the validity of this idea, but here are some sales points to bring up when you are trying to get start up money from venture capitalist angle investors (AKA your Mom and Dad).

1. You catch more flies with honey.

2. Women are told to yell "FIRE" instead of rape.

Make this happen!

P.S. I am still writing this blog, so you should still be subscribing to it... if you like me and aren't mean.

P.P.S. If you want to read my father's obituary it is here. It is hard to boil a life down into a couple of paragraphs. Try it sometime.

Cute Cure For Cancer

2009-01-05T07:24:00.000-08:00

We need to find a cure for cancer.

Duh! Right?

The problem with cancer is that everyone forgets about it, like that rat inside your walls that doesn't bother you during the day, but at night it comes out and bugs the hell out of you, scratching and clawing around, scurrying furiously through the bowels of your home causing havoc and forcing you to imagine its little claws grubbing over the inside of your thighs. You want to get up and smash a hole in the wall, but you are in your boxers and just want to get some sleep. Then, when you wake up the next morning, you are tired, but you have forgotten about the rat until the next night.

Maybe you are sitting there muttering something about you not being that kind of person. Fine. You are the kind of person who would kill that rat right away, or have taken certain measures to prevent the rat from getting inside your walls.

Guess what.

It doesn't matter how many miles you swim or how many acia berries you gnaw on, if you live long enough, you are going to get cancer. You are going to get cancer. I am going to get cancer. Everyone gets cancer. It's just a matter of time, for me approximately 35 years from now... no... now. No. Okay, okay, start counting... now!

How do I know?

Well, my father, Charles McCarthy Jr. and uncle, Joseph McCarthy just died one week apart from each other from a hodgepodge of cancers. My uncle was 64 and my father was 71. My dad had been fighting cancer for about 5 years. He started with breast cancer, yes breast cancer.

Yep, I have 35 years, so all of you oncologists, 5k runners, and magnetic pink ribbon salesmen need to get to work, because we need to find a cure for cancer, if not for all of humanity, then just for me. You now have a deadline, 2044. This should help some of you procrastinators get involved, since I know you can't get any work done until the night before it is due.

I am not a doctor, and I haven't ever even played one on TV, but I do have an idea about how to fight cancer.

What is it?

Bunnies... cancer bunnies.

Simple explanation: Everyone loves bunnies. I bet cancer does too.

Scientific explanation: The path of least resistance is one of the fundamental principles of science and our understanding of the universe. Basically, everything in the universe behaves like your lazy stoner friend who cheated off of you in shop class and is, at this moment, crashing on your couch. Ironically, he is also probably the guy that will find a cure for cancer the night before the deadline I have given you.

Cancer is not an invasion of the body by some outside fighting force like the Russians and Cubans invading the United States in Red Dawn. Cancer is a rebellion, a rebel army, your cells turning against the rest of your body, like Patrick Swayze and the rest of the Wolverines in Red Dawn. Of course, cancer isn't as cute as Swayze, who is, himself battling cancer, just like he battled the Russians and Cubans in Red Dawn.

There are four basic ways a rebellion can end. One, the rebel forces win over the hearts and minds of the people, and a bloody tide of change washes over the land, such as in the French Revolution. Two, the rebel forces are all killed, ALL killed. Three, the peace is bartered through negations. Four, the rebels are offered an out, a way to leave the country that they are in without a fight. The Pilgrims got this option, and they took it because going somewhere else was easier than fighting the British army.

If we think about cancer in these terms, option one means death, options two and three are being attempted, but the fourth option hasn't been explored.

I believe that if the cancer was offered another, more hospitable place to move to, outside of the human body, it would go there instead of fighting, mutating, or moving to another part of the human body. Genetically engineered bunny rabbits would be my choice connected to the patient with some sort of umbilical cord that would allow the transfer of biological materials from the patient to the bunny. The patient would be treated for cancer, making their body an inhospitable environment for cancer, while the bunny would beckon to them like the most beautiful and alluring geisha in Japan.

The cancer would follow the path of least resistance, metastasizing and migrating into the bunny.

Cancer cured.

The bunny could then be given to patients with other terminal illnesses or people that don't want to have to take care of a grown up rabbit.

P.S. I am still writing this blog, so you should subscribe.

P.P.S. Here is the first hit single from my old band the Attractive Eighties Women, Mama, Get A Mamogram. I left the band to follow my dreams of not being in a succesful band just like David Lee Roth or the fifth Beatle. They are still going strong. Visit AttractiveEightiesWomen.com to learn what AEWsomecore is all about.

P.P.P.S. Here is a link to the obituary I wrote for my uncle Joseph McCarthy. I have to work on my father's right now.

Möbius Commercial

2008-12-22T12:24:00.000-08:00

This is my Christmas gift to all my readers involved in advertising. I would have made it a Chanukah gift, but I was working through Chanukah and this is a little better than a new pair of socks. But, if you want to think of this as a late Chanukah gift, feel free.

Over the last couple of years I have seen more and more attempts at piggyback advertising, commercials advertising two or more different products in an attempt to save money on media buys by sharing the cost with one or more other companies or divisions of a company. You have probably seen one or two of these commercials even if you are blind, fast-forward through commercials, and don't have a TV.

A fairly recent, extreme, and in my opinion, ineffective example of said piggybacking is this preview/commercial staring Serena Williams and Hayden Christensen which advertises the 20th Century Fox movie Jumper, Microsoft Windows Vista, Outkast, Nike, The HP Pavilion Desktop Computer, and Serena Williams' clothing line. I probably missed a couple of advertisers, so you might just want to watch it for yourself.

Piggybacking in commercials and sharing media buys to cut back on cost is an excellent idea, but only when the ads are effective for all products involved. I believe that my new idea, the Möbius commercial, will fulfill the wishes and dreams of advertisers wanting to share the cost of some prime time air to get more bang for their buck.

Here is the short explanation of how this works.

Don't get it? Well, here is the long explanation along with an example.

The Möbius commercial would actually be two separate thirty second commercials for different products that share a similar or identical target demographic. These commercials are able to function separately or together, and together they loop back into each other infinitely.

Here is an example:

Title: Very QuikWii

Bob walks into the kitchen with a sad look on his face. Seth, a man in his late 20's, sits at a kitchen table stirring up a glass of Nesquik chocolate milk.

"What's wrong?"

"I'm sad."

The Bob sits down. Seth slides the glass of Nesquik towards him.

"Close your eyes... take a sip of this... and I'll take you to my happy place."

Bob closes his eyes, takes a sip, and smiles. He opens his eyes.

"That is delicious and chocolatey, but we are still in the kitchen."

"Wait for it."

Seth claps his hands. Funky music starts playing and two very shapely black women, Mary and Kiki, dance into the room wearing Nesquik bunny bikinis. They dance for Seth and Bob for a few moments.

Bob asks, "Do you guys want to go play Wii?"

They walk into the living room and Venus and Serena start to play Wii tennis.

"It's on!" Kiki announces.

"Girl, I move like Venus Williams."

Seth and Bob sit on the couch and enjoy watching the girls play.

They turn to each other and simultaneously announce, "Wii!"

The girls continue to play and taunt each other.

Seth stands up.

"I'm thirsty."

He walks out of the room, leaving Bob to watch the game by himself on the couch.

The game ends.

"Can I play?"

The girls turn and lean down towards Bob.

"Uhuh little man! This is best of nine."

"Yeah."

Bob gets up and walks out of the room looking very sad.

Bob walks into the kitchen with a sad look on his face. Seth, a man in his late 20's, sits at a kitchen table stirring up a glass of Nesquik chocolate milk.

"What's wrong?"

"I'm sad."

The Bob sits down. Seth slides the glass...

It never ends.

So? What's the big deal? And isn't that a minute anyway? Where are the savings?

This is something new and interesting that will get people talking, and various news outlets will most likely mention the ad, and or play it for free, especially if you buy some ridiculous airtime during the Super Bowl, say a two minute block of time so that you can show the commercials back to back to back to back. That is a lot of backs. The key to this whole thing is buying large chunks of time up front, and then weening down, so that eventually you are just showing the thirty second spots by themselves, but by the time you are showing them standing alone, enough people have seen them together that they are indelibly linked in the consumer's mind. When they see one, they think of the other and vice versa.

I am sure that you can come up with about a half a dozen other justifications and facts to support this idea when you are trying to sell some clients on it. I have several in the back of my mind that I don't want to bore people with.

P.S. Click here to subscribe to Ideas By Chuck before The Rapture.

P.P.S. If you are interested in producing my "Very QuikWii" spot on spec., let me know, as there may be several interested parties. I love parties.

P.P.P.S. For anyone that may doubt me, just remember Spuds McKenzie.

Sundae Bar

2008-12-12T14:01:00.000-08:00

Most of you, my millions of readers, would probably be surprised to find out that I have worked for no less than four ice cream franchises in varying capacities. Yes, I have a lot of ice cream experience under my belt.

I worked for Marble Slab as a "scoopstar," painted murals for Petrucci's Ice Cream and Cold Stone Creamery, and worked in marketing/advertising for a small but corrupt ice cream franchise that shall go unnamed. Ice cream is in my blood, and if it's not in my blood, then it is in my fat.

Besides the ice cream industry, I have also worked at several bars and clubs. As with ice cream, my experiences have been varied. From a dive called the Nowhere Bar in Athens, GA to one of the largest clubs in the world, Webster Hall in New York, NY, I have seen it all.

What am I trying to get at?

If there are two things that I know about from hands on, personal experience, they are ice cream and alcohol.

Here is the idea. The combining of alcohol and ice has been severely under explored. If you were to open a bar that served ice cream and alcohol and specialized in the combination of the two, you would have a cash cow on your hands, or all over your hands. Sticky.

Why?

People love ice cream. People love alcohol. People love gimmicks. People really love gimmicks when ice cream or alcohol is involved. Just look at Pinkberry and Coldstone or Coyote Ugly and Hooters.

I would call the place either Sundae Bar, The Ice Cream Bar, or Frozen Not Stirred.

Here are a couple of recipes for drinks you can use in your new bar.

The Adriatic - Vodka, Kahlua, Milk, and Vanilla Ice Cream.

WWWonderful - Vodka, Sprite, Cranberry Juice, Sherbet, and Three Cherries.

P.S. I have been working. Sometimes when I work, I am not able to post ideas as regularly as you or I might like. Subscribing to Ideas By Chuck is the best way to make sure you don't miss out on all my thinking. I am actually on the clock right now helping my friend Denny promote his documentary, The Wrecking Crew. Luckily, I can help him and post a blog at the same time. But, what if I couldn't? You really should subscribe to Ideas By Chuck.

Chuck Dickens: Illiterate Trucker

2008-11-23T13:32:00.000-08:00

This one is for all my adoring fans in the world of scripted television, for all you thousands of TV show writers and producers out there who look to me for inspiration. Whether you work for NBC, CBS, Spike TV, Comedy Central, and even PBS this one is for you.

I have created a TV show born from the smoldering bonfires of past greats such as Kung Fu, Highway To Heaven, Touched By An Angel, and Knight Rider. I have created a show that rides on the wings of a c-130 Hercules transport plane forged from the smelting of thousands of classic tales.

I give you, Chuck Dickens: Illiterate Trucker.

Chuck Dickens: Illiterate Trucker or CDIT for short, is the tale of Chuck Dickens, a long-haul trucker on the road to nowhere. He travels the land helping unfortunate souls solve their larger than life problems with his knowledge of classical literature, while all along, searching for an "ending" to his own story. The irony floweth over the damns and dikes of this epic tale, for though Chuck Dickens knows every twist and turn of every classic tale from Emma to Ivanhoe, he is completely illiterate. He cannot read. Listening to thousands of books on tape has given him the ironic knowledge of classical literature that is both his gift and curse.

Characters:

Chuck Dickens - 50's - trucker with uncanny knowledge of classical literature

Basker - Chuck Dicken's dog, a faithful Boston Terrier

Claudet - 40's - trucking company dispatcher

Karl Grendelhousen - 50's - trucker and Chuck Dicken's nemesis

Notes:

I was thinking of having him pick up a teacher named Jim Smith who has given up on life. Maybe Jim could be his sidekick, always learning something from an old, illiterate trucker.

You can rip plot lines directly from thousands of books and short stories, and it is totally fine because that is the premise of the show. Brilliant. You PBS people might be interested in playing up this fact and trying to use the show to encourage people to read.

If you are a writer, producer, or trucker, get to work.

P.S. I subscribed to Ideas By Chuck today. It was so fun and easy.

P.P.S. If you use this idea, and the show is a big hit, I would appreciate a creator credit along with some money.

Pavlov's Porn Plan

2008-11-18T15:16:00.000-08:00

This is another one of those sneaky marketing ideas that I have, and yes, once again it has to do with pornography, a field virgin only to the probing fingers of mainstream advertising and marketing. It might be wrong, but I just see so much potential. It is like Alaska for oil companies, but with no chance of killing off any ailing species.

Here is the idea: Give adult entertainment production companies such as Evil Angel and Vivid Entertainment limited rights to music from upcoming video games for use in their adult films, six months to a year ahead of release.

The soundtracks for most adult films are fairly pathetic, and I am sure that many companies would welcome free, quality music for their films.

Final Fantasy XIII would be ripe for this, because like all the other Final Fantasy games, it is sure to have a new and unique scored soundtrack (not existing pop songs). Plus, the sexuality of the main character Yuna is one of the attractions for many of the franchise's fans. Moreover, "Final Fantasy" could be easily already be a porn title.

Some of you are probably scratching your heads, or something else, and asking why. Why?

This would strengthen the association of sex with the video game for its existing fans who have seen the adult films before the game even comes out, and make TV and viral commercials for the game more effective in reaching potential buyers/players that have seen one or more of the adult films utilizing the music in the soundtrack. Classic conditioning.

Of course, you would want to keep this pretty hush. No need for anyone to put one and one together anywhere other than their subconscious.

If you are in the marketing department of one of the major video game companies (Acclaim, EA, Capcom, Sony, Square Enix, Konami, or Nintendo get on this! You should probably think about this even if you work for Adventure Soft, and if you work for the Climax Group, you should not even think twice (real companies).

Some other game franchises that this would definitely work for are Tomb Raider, Dead or Alive, Silent Hill, Zelda, Resident Evil and even Super Mario. Thats'a one'a sexy plumber!

P.S. Ideas By Chuck might save your life. Click here to subscribe. It might not be fun, but it is easy.

P.P.S. Weren't able to pick up a copy of Inventors Digest? Here is a link to my interview. Click to read.

P.P.P.S. Click to read some other thoughts on adult film "sinergy."

Hacky Snacks

2008-11-14T10:49:00.000-08:00

Do you work for Willy Wonka, Hasbro, Jelly Belly, Tonka, Wham-O, Slam-O, Jack-O, Wack-O, or any other candy/toy company that I didn't mention? Do you want to bring joy and cavities to millions of boys and girls, while making millions? Are you excited yet?

Get excited, because here is my latest idea: the Hacky Snack.

What is a Hacky Snack? It's just what it sounds like it is. The Hacky Snack is a hacky sack or footbag filled with candy instead of the usual plastic beads or beans. You know. For kids!

The Hacky Snack sack would open and close easily so that after you have kicked it around, you can open it up and have a taste of that tasty candy inside.

Believe it or not, I (my mom) actually made a prototype and did some of the groundwork on this idea. Here is what I found.

One, Nerds work best as the candy inside, so Willy Wonka should be all over this idea. Two, Runts suck, both as a filling for the Hacky Snack and as a candy. Three, the sack closing mechanism is the tricky part. It has to be easy to open and close, but at the same time, not throw off the weight balance of the sack.

Sure, some of you are wondering who would want to eat candy that has been touching people's feet, the ground, and a dog named Carma's mouth? The answer, kids. Kids love disgusting candy. More Disgusting = More Fun. Have you seen the stuff that kids are eating these days? Think about the candy that you stuffed in your chubby little face as a kid. Fun Dip? Super Giant Jaw Breakers? Big League Chew? Big League Chew is supposed to be chewing tobacco for kids.
Still not sure? Wondering about the FDA? Don't think they will be okay with it?

The candy inside the sack would be in a plastic pouch similar to the Glad ForceFlex trash bags, completely protecting it from the elements. Refill pouches of candy for the Hacky Snack would be sold separately.

There are sooooooooo many different little details that can be added or tweaked to make the Hacky Snack more appealing to kids. I will let you work out most of those details, but think about this.

The Hacky Snacks can be made into collectible items by printing characters from a popular movie franchise on them, and guess what. This idea was actually born from a 30 installment mega movie franchise that me and my friends Mike B. and Spencer K. are writing. I can't give away much about this project without you signing a nondisclosure agreement, but I will say that the product tie in with Hacky Snacks is complete and the most stunning example of toy/movie/candy synergy ever seen on this planet.

Basically, you would be a fool to make Hacky Snacks and not dump a couple of million into the production of the first movie in this 30 part mega movie franchise.

P.S. Ideas By Chuck is free to subscribe to. Why haven't you subscribed?

P.P.S. No candy babies were eaten during the writing of this post.

Margaret Cho Drama

2008-11-11T16:31:00.000-08:00

I know that putting this back to back with my last idea is going to make some people think that I think about Asian people too much, that maybe I have some sort of fetish or hatred for Asians. Well, I don't. Sorry.

I spent a couple of weeks of my life around Margaret Cho. Don't ask me when. Don't ask me where. Let me just say that she was already established as a comedian, and that I am not calling her out for not being funny when I knew her in middle school, because I didn't know her in middle school.

Did you catch the not funny part of that? Yeah, I don't think she is funny at all. The entire time I was around her, she never made one single person laugh. Maybe she is just stingy with her comedy, but if you are a comedian that hates making people laugh, you should probably find something else to do.

Whether she is just not funny or she hates bringing the joy of laughter to the lives of people around her, I have the solution. I have an idea, and here it is.

Someone needs to put Margaret Cho in a super serious role. Give her, her break into drama. Get her off the stand-up stage. Just look at Robin Williams. I would do this if I had a couple of million dollars laying around, but I don't, so you will have to make this happen.

This is not to say that I won't help. I have already come up with a concept for the movie she can star in, the break-out role of her career. I even made a poster for it.

Title: Miss Oriented
Logline: A woman on the cusp of understanding her art and sexuality finds out that she has AIDS, and must reconcile with her past.

Synopsis: Patty Tang (Cho) an aspiring artist in NYC. Working as a gallery assistant to get by, as she searches for her own style, her own voice. She has never quite felt at home in her own skin. Her world turns upside down when she meets performance artist Janice Red (Sasha Grey) and discovers a deep and powerful love. She carefully ends her on again off again relationship with her boss and gallery owner, Tomas Hurst (Harvey Keitel). Patty had never imagined being with a woman before, but for the first time in her life, she is at peace and finally finds her voice as an artist. Even Hurst is happy that Patty has found what she was looking for, and offers to represent her, to show her new, powerful and exciting artwork. Their momentary bliss is shattered when Patty's ex-boyfriend Zach Messenger (Sean Patrick Flanery), comes to her art show, and tells Patty that he has HIV, and that she probably has HIV too. The art show is a bitter sweet success, as almost all of her paintings sell. Patty breaks down and spends days in her room crying and sleeping. Refusing to see anyone, even Janice. Janice gets tested and comes back negative, not meaning much, but she pleads with Patty to get tested. Finally, Patty goes to the hospital and gets tested. After her visit to the hospital, she begins painting. She paints until she passes out, completing dozens of pieces. Janice wakes her with an envelope, her test results. Patty reads the results, and starts crying. Janice holds her and cries with her. We never know what the results were.
It's all there for you. All you have to do is write the script, get Margaret Cho signed on, get SPF signed on, get Harvey Keitel interested, raise a couple of million dollars, find a director, cast the other roles, lock down locations, hire a crew, shoot the film, edit the film, win some festivals, get distribution, advertise, become an indie hit, and get Margaret Cho an Oscar nomination. EASY! See, you don't even have to get her an Oscar, just a nomination.

When all of this is done, you can sit back and relax, knowing that Margaret Cho will never again try to do stand-up.

P.S. Subscribe to Ideas By Chuck.

P.P.S. This idea is not meant to be in any way offensive to people with HIV or AIDS, lesbians, Asians, Harvey Keitel, or artists. It is only meant to be offensive to NYC and Margaret Cho, and even then, I am saying that I think Margaret Cho could make a pretty good dramatic actor, and that is actually a compliment.

Candy Cane Chopsticks

2008-11-06T14:23:00.000-08:00

Whenever I eat Chinese food, I use chopsticks. Guess what. Billions of Chinese people also use chopsticks when they eat Chinese food. Of course, they just call it food.

Disposable bamboo chopsticks have become a huge problem in China and Japan. Their production is taxing the environment, and causing quite a mess. Japan has just passed a tax on chopsticks to try to encourage restaurants to switch to plastic, reusable chopsticks, but many critics think that this won't help because the cost and ease of the disposable chopsticks is not effected enough by the tax.

Many people are working on different options and solutions. The best being edible chopsticks made from sorghum flour and the worst being a bra with a pouch to carry collapsible chopsticks in, which happens to be a little too close to the armpit for my taste. (click this for video)

I started thinking about edible chopsticks today in the shower. Don't ask me why. Yeah, no, I don't know why. Don't ask. Anyway, I was thinking about it, and this is what I came up with.

My idea: Candy Cane Chopsticks. Straighten out that cane, and you got a stick.

As tasty as sorghum flour chopsticks sound, I think that most people, would much rather have a sweet and tasty treat after eating their squid dumplings and chicken feet. Also, I believe that candy cane chopsticks will be more durable, and last longer in storage. Plus, red and white candy canes are the color of the Japanese flag, and I think I have seen yellow and red ones too, so Chinese people can have patriotic candy cane chopsticks too. Moreover, candy canes are awesome!

Some of you are probably thinking that candy cane chopstick would be, well, sticky. The beauty of this is that you leave the wrapper on until you are done with them. Take off the wrapper, or lick off the soy sauce, and save it for later. You even have two candy canes, so you have one to share.

Do you know how many people there are in China and Japan? Close to 1.4 billion people. I am no math whiz, but if on any given day, one half of that population were to use disposable chopsticks, and you only had a 10% market share of that half, selling the chopsticks at 4 cents each, you would be looking at 2.8 million in gross sales a day. That translates into over a billion dollars a year in gross sales. Of course, you have to take out production, shipping, and advertising costs, and take into account variables such as the fluctuating cost of sugar and corn syrup, but still. And, I didn't even consider sales in the US and worldwide. You could make a lot of money.

Go do this. Make this happen, and taste that sweet success. But, don't forget to do what Santa has never done, write me a check for a couple of hundred thousand dollars or yen.

P.S. It's not too late! You can still sign up for IdeasByChuck.com. Do it now!

P.P.S. Don't forget, it's a lot harder to change the world, than you change your underwear.

The Big Lebowski Musical

2008-10-30T15:27:00.000-07:00

There might be some friends lost, enemies made, pins split, and some CCR played because of this idea.

Please, believe me when I tell you that I did a lot of soul searching before deciding to let this one out into the public consciousness. I looked deep into my soul, consulted several holy books, thought about going bowling, and took a bath before I decided that I should let this idea float out into the world, like that mylar balloon that I lost on my fifth birthday and have missed everyday since.

Here is the idea: A musical adaptation of the Cohen Brothers classic film, The Big Lebowski.

I know what you are thinking. I know. I hate all the crappy musical adaptations of everything from Lord of The Rings to Legally Blonde, just as much as you do. Believe me, I really do hate them.

So, why am I here telling the world that there should be one for an amazing film like The Big Lebowski? Two reasons. First, if there is going to be a musical adaptation of The Big Lebowski, it should be written by Tim Rice and Andrew Lloyd Webber. Second, I see it as inevitable force of nature, something not to be stopped.

As to the first reason, I am a big fan of Jesus Christ Super Star. The movie is the most amazing thing ever. The music is epic, the costumes and actors are 70's in a bottle, and it's much easier to understand than The Passion of The Christ.

The music and lyrics for Jesus Christ Super Star were written by Tim Rice and Andrew Lloyd Webber. If you don't know what I am talking about, just believe me when I say that these guys are the only guys that I would trust to write and compose the music for a Big Lebowki musical, with help, of course, from the Cohen brothers themselves. These guys aren't getting any younger. I am introducing this idea to the world right now, to any producer who wants to touch it, because I strongly believe that if these guys aren't behind it, it will definitely be total crap. Don't let these guys die before you decide to get off your butt and get the bowling ball rolling.

As to the second reason, there is no way that there is not going to be a musical of The Big Lebowski made. There might even be one being produced right now. I did some research, but I might have missed something. Trust me, there will be a Big Lebowski musical, even if it is a rogue production called The Dude Sings, begging to be sued by
the Cohen brothers, there will be a Big Lebowski musical.

You can look past the fanaticism and unabashed loyalty of many of the movie's super fans. You can look past the action figures and the conventions. You can look past all these outside tell tale signs. All you have to do is watch the movie, and you will understand the inevitability of a Lebowski musical. The dream sequence is an homage to Busby Berkeley, several of the movie's pivotal scenes consist entirely of music, and the there is no shortage of over the top characters. Essentially, it is already a musical.

Don't not be the Broadway producer to take the Dude to The Great White Way. The people want to hear a chorus of German Nihilists sing about no'sing.

P.S. My mom subscribed to Ideas By Chuck, and she doesn't even know what a computer is.

P.P.S. If you haven't seen it, you should see the movie version of Jesus Christ Super Star. If you like Jesus in The Big Lebowski, you will love him in Jesus Christ Super Star. Plus, Judas is a pimp daddy! You hear me cat?