All the time wasted, caring about this shit. It’s enough!

Whether or not you or your daughter is pretty isn’t what matters. People tell you it matters, but that’s a distraction, meant to sell products to this competitive demographic. Don’t be sold this idea.

It’s on the cover and within every page of almost every magazine. People have derided the expectations created by retouching since retouching began. “Perfect” skin and bodies are retouched to be “more perfect.” Those unending runways full of size 00 models – where no one looks like anyone you know. They wear things you’d never wear.

And right there girls begin to feel like they’ll never measure up. Fuck Beauty. Seriously.

The Dove “Real Beauty” Campaigns aren’t challenging whether or not beauty is important — they pretty much stick with the assumption that it is. After all, they are still selling product to that market. But they do hook into the psyche of women who are pummeled by the culture (and weary of it) and challenge how critical we are with assessing ourselves. So we can just be. They assure us that more of us are more beautiful than we think we are. Here’s their latest offering:

It’s a poignant campaign about how we see ourselves. Their research showed that 6 in 10 girls stop doing what they love because they feel bad about their looks. That statistic would be a travesty if it was 1 in 1000. But it’s 6 in 10. Because of how they feel about how they look.

Having our priorities out of whack sucks away our resources that would better serve us elsewhere.

I know what my weight was at every stage in my life. Is that true for you, too? When I was in that relationship, worked that job, bought my house, reached that milestone, traveled there, celebrated that birthday – I weighed _____. And I’ve made a conscious effort not to care about such things (short of not owning a scale and avoiding knowing it altogether). Truth is, weight is a piece of data and I like to know the data of my life, but I also like it not to matter. And the fact that my brain is storing this info so precisely tells me that it still has some significance because the culture has influenced me against my will – and even my own logic has not eradicated it completely.

Losing weight is no longer a goal. Looking a certain way to conform to a cultural norm is no longer a goal. Being healthy (which I am) and cultivating the ability to do the things I (physically) want to do is the only goal that matters. My focus has shifted over the course of my life – and I wish I shifted it sooner.

For the most part the people that agree/align with this cultural obsession with looks end up being the most superficial, insecure, undervalued, hypersensitive and unable to cope. The ones that buck this trend end up being focused, accomplished, authentic, happy and admired (for all the right reasons). Even when you’re in the latter group, there are people who will try to make you wear their version of “you should be insecure because I would be, let me attempt to force it upon you” even when you are not. I observed this in the media/internet frenzy when I used Twitter to ask Target about labeling a plus-sized dress Manatee Grey while their standard-sized dress was Dark Heather Grey. Did you hear about that non-story that spread like wildfire? I’ll have more to say about my observations on that frenzy soon – in the form of a social case study. But for now I’ll just say it brought out droves of people who were unable to resist a comment box and blinking cursor and saw it as their mission to point out how unhappy, ugly and fat I am – without a single fact to back them up.

Our culture chugs along, discounting women and girls if they don’t dress fashionably enough, don’t have the correct shaped body, don’t wear the appropriate amount of cosmetics (at first I typed costmetics, which seemed an appropriate typo) – all designed to appeal to male sexual preferences (as varied as those can be). Many men seem all too willing to share with impressionable women and girls just exactly what it’s going to take to be worthy of their attention.

I recently got an email (if two words can be called an email) from a potential suitor: “nice face.” Seriously. This is what amounts to discourse for some people. When a man (in a dating context) leads with a compliment about my looks (especially when that is the only communication from him), I gather a couple of things about him. He is assuming that I’ve bought into the cultural notion that this is what matters about me and he can assuage my insecurity by expressing his preferences. He thinks his superficial preferences are so important that I must know them. I immediately lose interest when he shows me that this cultural upside-down priority is his leading strategy and motivator. I prefer a person who craves conversation about much more important topics than what a person looks like and expressing whether or not they approve of it. Not capable of that simple human interaction? Move along.

My wiser self pleads with everyone – cultivate everything else about you. Shrug off cultural notions about what you should look like. You’re never at your best when you should yourself.

How would it feel if you didn’t know (and agree with) what you were supposed to look like? If you didn’t know or believe an hourglass figure was considered more attractive than a straight one. That a tummy bulge is to be avoided at all costs. That in the present day western culture, thin is in (for women). If you didn’t know clear, smooth skin is preferable to pimples or wrinkles. If you didn’t hate your freckles while everyone who knows you would miss them if they were gone.

What if you didn’t know your best physical features. If no one had ever commented on your appearance or anyone else’s? What would change, then?

Would you:

• wear makeup?
• color your hair?
• buy new clothes or shoes?
• wear high heels?
• buy or wear jewelry?
• workout as often as you do?
• starve yourself?
• skip meals/dessert?
• pass on that thing you love to eat?
• spend more time considering how you look than how you feel?
• spend more time primping than learning?

Can you go to the store without makeup, styled hair or “cute” clothes? How about to work? Or on a first date? Are these the things you are trying to impress with? Or is it the content of your character, they way you invest your time, the causes you care about, how you are trying to make a difference, your empathy, humanity, authenticity and kindness?

What would happen if you cared primarily about everything else except outer beauty? How much of our resources (time, money, attention) are tied up in what we look like? My male friends can come back after a workout, take a 5 minute shower and be back in life, ready to go out to dinner and have fun. I calculate the time it will take to wash, condition, dry long hair, apply makeup, dress and it’s 30 minutes if I am efficient. I’ve made it a practice now to let my hair dry in its “crazy waves” and to go to the store without makeup on. I have a friend with the most beautiful silver hair who set aside hair dye several years ago. Are you confronting a culture of shoulds in your own daily life? How does that show up in your life? What does it cost you to focus on appearance and what are the costs of not focusing on it?

On my 49th birthday, I climbed stairs all day long. By choice.

It didn’t feel like it was going to be my best day. In fact, it felt like it was going to be my worst day. During the hard days when I began training myself and then set an audacious goal, I was feeling a lot better than the day I decided I would be going for it. I banged a knee two weeks before and was still suffering serious stiffness and pain (in what’s usually my good knee). Sciatica was making it’s presence known. Plus, my birthday dinner was the night before – and we indulged in a 3 course meal of fun, family, fondue and drinks. Not exactly the prep one might do before a “marathon.”

Because of my broken body, my goal was just to get up and down the stairs at Thousand Steps (Laguna Beach, CA) 10 times – equivalent to climbing & descending the Sears Tower in Chicago. If I made it 14 times, I would set a new personal record – beating what I did an hour after I screwed up my knee. (Apparently I stay committed to working out no matter what. Who, me?!). It would be amazing to beat or even meet my former record, feeling like I was.

(But secretly, I wanted to make it 26 times. If it were possible.)

I didn’t think it was possible.

And then it happened.

I climbed (and descended) more than the equivalent of the tallest building in the world. Twice. That’s 28 times down and up Thousand Steps – almost triple what I thought I was capable of that morning. I would’ve gone for 30, but my battery died in my iPhone (no music?!) and it was getting dark. So I settled for “only” doing better than I thought was impossible. It took me from 10am – 5pm with a lunch break and a couple of bathroom/recovery/water breaks, but I did it. With a broken body!

Now, that wasn’t the 49 times (based my age – CRAZY) that inspired the original goal-setting. But when measured in buildings, I’m still happy with my accomplishment.

Here’s the tricks I employed to make this happen:

1. Set the goal for a certain date. I loves me a deadline. (When you sign up to do a 5k or a marathon, you’re doing the same thing – committing.)
2. Visualize the goal. (I looked up equivalent building heights to be able to “see“ what I was really doing. Here’s some tall buildings to measure against if you want to climb some equivalent heights.)
3. Track the goal. (I graphed my progress. It was just a spread sheet that I jotted a number in after every workout – and the data in graph form. I’m a data geek, so this really helps me. And on days where I got hard, I imagined what my graph would look like if I quit and somehow I kept going.)
4. Monitored how I was feeling as I got closer to the goal. (Took it “easy” in the two weeks before “go for it” day. Chose not to add further repetitions. Basically listened to my body throughout the whole process, except for the big day.)
5. Decided to do it. (I had no contingency plan. Not doing it was not an option. Period.)

Each time up and down I’d post a picture to Facebook of something I was seeing. The gorgeous beach at the bottom. The nice people working out. The stairs looking up or down. The bougainvillea or nasturtiums. It was a way of counting and having people with me via social media (Facebook, in this case).

During the 13th round a very pregnant woman joined me from the hospital nearby – she was trying to move her labor along with some movement. She slowly went up and down – twice! I asked to take her picture and said I’d send it to her so she could remember this part of her labor. She said she didn’t want to see any pictures of herself because she didn’t like how she looked right now. Because she was pregnant. This was so incredibly sad to me. I hate it when our culture imposes ridiculous body image issues on so many women. Be happy with who you are, where you are, right this moment. There’s no room for anything else. (Much more on that in a future post.)

I kept my goal as my own little secret all day amongst the strangers working out around me. People would come and go – everyone goes their own pace and ability – something I love about the stairs. Lots of people talk about how many they’re doing or how it’s going for them or other friendly greetings and chit chat. But that day was my own. My ego would whisper “tell someone” and my wisdom would say “no, this is yours” It was my own soothing meditation – I was in a total zone. Everything felt different. I noticed a half dozen pill bugs that had fallen on a step and been trapped, so I’d pick them up and put them back into the dirt over the rails. I’d look for a stick each time I went up to mark my repetitions – and that became part of the meditation. What I was feeling in my own body became a distant second to bug and stick discovery. Revelation.

Even as my knee flared out with an icepick-like pain on the 18th time up and down I kept going (very slowly) and eventually got back into the zone again. That zone felt so good I thought, “I need to do this on my own more often.” Feeling solitude while doing it seemed to have some effect that was meditative.

My body was broke down for about a week after that day. Working up to my goal came so gradually, I rarely was so sore I couldn’t work out in a couple of days. Not so after this crazy feat. That means the typical schedule of climbing about 1/2 of the Sears Tower 4x a week (plus a steep hill at the end of every workout that I don’t track on the graph) came to a standstill because my broken body was even more broken. That’s not good. I decided that having the crazy (for me) goal was extremely motivating initially (constant improvement). This is why people train for events. But it can also get in the way of why you’re doing it in the first place: to create a regular practice of movement.

So, no more crazy goals. Just regular fitness.

Look at the difference between what I was able to do a few weeks before, and what I was able to do only because I decided to do it. It was a simple as that.

ETA: One of the many reasons I started stairs training was to improve my hiking ability so I could go where I wanted to go. I went hiking a couple of months later to Ramona Falls – a 7 mile hike with about 1,100′ of elevation gain. TOTAL CAKEWALK! (See first photo.)

I’m reading a fantastic new book called The Fire Starter Sessions: A Soulful + Practical Guide to Creating Success on Your Own Terms by Danielle LaPorte. Last year I bought her Spark Kit, which birthed the book. In it, she guides us to start the fire of inspiration, motivation and determination to create a thriving life. Full of love, clarity and calls to action.

It’s a beautiful thing.

And the bookâ€s design is a beautiful thing, too (…just wish it was on thicker paper as the big bold typographic treatments used throughout can be seen through on the following page).

What books are worth having, keeping, collecting? Richard Macksey has amassed an unusually large collection and it expresses and defines who he is, to his core.

Inside Richard Mackseyâ€s house, books are literally everywhere. They stretch from floor to ceiling, filling the house and spilling into the garage. For over half a century, Macksey has inspired his students at Johns Hopkins, stirring in them a love of literature and the arts. Comprising more than 70,000 books, a large collection of manuscripts, and some art works all worth an estimated $4 million, Macksey has bequeathed his entire collection to the Johns Hopkins Sheridan Libraries.”

I, on the other hand, am working on keeping less. Unless I can put my hands on anything and everything, a physical library loses its utility. And moving books is no fun. So, I’m in pursuit of the fine balance of having what I need available to accomplish my goals, research and projects vs. knowing where and how to get the information if I don’t “own” it.

But I love his library (and what he’s done with it), regardless.

A 4th grade girl talks herself into something she’s never done before, and reacts after she did it.

Do something you’ve never done before as often as possible.

“We have this bucket list, we have these things we want to do in life, and I thought about all the people I wanted to reach out to that I didn’t, all the fences I wanted to mend, all the experiences I wanted to have and I never did.”

Where do you think your thoughts would go during a plane crash?

It gives me great satisfaction that I’ve tried to mend the fences I wanted to mend. Do you have an actual bucket list – something you’ve written down? Have you set any dates to any of it with intention?

“And I regretted the time I wasted on things that did not matter with people that matter.And I thought about my relationship with my wife, with my friends, with people. And after, as I reflected on that, I decided to eliminate negative energy from my life. It’s not perfect, but it’s a lot better. I’ve not had a fight with my wife in two years. It feels great. I no longer try to be right; I choose to be happy.

Nothing will make your whole life stand up and take notice more than doing something you thought you couldnâ€t do.”

–Me

As I mentioned in my prior musing, Confessions of a Former Couch Potato, on my first day I could barely make it up the 11½ flights of stairs (218 steps) once and that was resting every other landing. My first goal was to get up all the way without resting. Then I made it a goal to do a Thousand Steps (the name of the famous stairs) and had no way of knowing how long it might take. I set my sights on an 8 week goal to go all the way up and down 4½ times – without resting. I reached my goal 2½ weeks early. Shocker!

So I keep setting goals for myself. More about that in a moment.

That doesnâ€t mean the voices inside my head have ceased. I hear “you donâ€t have to do the whole thing” about three flights up every time, no matter how many times Iâ€ve done it. And thereâ€s a likely reason for it: thatâ€s when my thighs start to burn. My brain multiplies that amount of burn by the amount of staircases left and decides I cannot handle 4 times more burn.

But thatâ€s not how the body works. About half way up each time I get into a zone. By the time Iâ€m 8 flights up I am climbing without thinking and the burn is hardly noticeable. I feel better on flight 10 than I do on flight 3. Realizing that was a game changer. I can now ignore my discomfort on the first half, knowing it will be gone by the second half. Makes me kick myself for resting half way up so many times – I never got to feel that zone because I was always starting from scratch after a rest – if only I had pushed through I would have felt better.

By the time I get to the top, Iâ€m no longer breathing like Iâ€m trying not to die and my heart is no longer pounding out of my chest – which was the condition I was in a few weeks ago. But still, every time I have to remind myself of all of that on flight 3.

Another little conversation I have with myself when I want to stop is “Yeah, I know you want to stop, but do you need to?” The answer to that question is always no. (Now.) When I first started and my thighs were turning to jelly, I really couldnâ€t go on. They never do that anymore. (Unfortunately.) So I keep going.

When someone has a fear of heights or of falling, they are advised not to look down. On the stairs, the key is not looking up. The best way to stay focused is to keep my eyes only on the few steps in front of me – not the whole task ahead of me. This is good life advice that can be applied to any complex task. I donâ€t have to see how Iâ€m going to do the whole thing. The only thing I need to know is: Can I do the next step? And guess what? My answer to that question is always yes. I have a terrible habit of extrapolating difficulties out into the future and getting discouraged. Climbing the stairs is helping me focus on one task at a time.

Making progress this quickly creates a punctuated awareness of how much healthier I am now. My resting heart rate was in the low 70s when I started (average for my age). Now itâ€s in the mid 50s (holy cow!). You better believe that feels different. A couple weeks ago my heart rate would shoot up to 180 by the top of the stairs and recover down to 155 within a minute of resting. Now itâ€s 150 at the top and recovers quickly to 130. My lung capacity is so different, breathing in deep feels amazing any time of the day. The body is an amazing machine.

So much progress happened quickly because I do this regularly – four times a week. I push for more progress each time I go, but I started out slow so I was never discouraged by sharp or debilitating pains in my muscles. When I went the first time I thought it would take me forever to make it up once without resting – it really did seem impossible. Currently I make it up 5 times without a break, only 7 weeks later. Now I canâ€t really say anything seems impossible, now that Iâ€ve seen, felt and lived what is possible. This impacts everything.

So itâ€s time for a new audacious goal.

I’d much rather report on what I already did, than what I intend to do. But Iâ€m going to put a stake in the ground and head for it, like I did before. Thereâ€s a rumor/legend that someone in the neighborhood went up the whole thing as many times as his age on his birthday. Weâ€ve been talking about it as a goal. Jokingly, I thought! And then I started to seriously consider it, much to my surprise. The story goes that the neighbor spent the day doing it, resting in between, visiting the beach, etc. and then would do more rounds until he reached his goal. My birthday is 8 weeks from yesterday and Iâ€ll be 49. 49 times x 11½ flights = 563½ flights of stairs = 10,682 steps. Impossible, right? That means I have to multiply what Iâ€m currently doing (57½ flights of stairs) by almost 10. In less than 2 months. When I graphed it out, it seemed impossible (all the more so because I have considerable extra weight on my frame).

As crazy as that looks, I believe nothing is impossible now. There are people who race to the top of skyscrapers. Eddie Izzard completed 43 marathons in 52 days after just 5 weeks of training. Iâ€m just talking about walking to the top of some stairs, with a bunch of resting and breaks in between. Easy peasy. Right?

Thereâ€s an exponential factor that kicks in – and Iâ€m starting to feel it. At first I could do one time up and it felt like the limit. When I first did two times up, it felt like more than twice as much effort – and then it gradually became the new normal. Three was a lot more, and then not. Four felt like quite a bit more effort and then no extra effort at all. Five feels like Iâ€m just getting started and Iâ€m ready to take off – and thatâ€s where Iâ€m poised now. It feels like thereâ€s not a whole lot of difference between doing 5 and 10. I want to see where the limit of this logic fails. Or succeeds.

Letâ€s do this thing. (This message brought to you by an endorphin high.)

We canâ€t become what we need to be by remaining what we are.”

–Oprah Winfrey

Want to see how I did?

We do not stop exercising because we grow old – we grow old because we stop exercising.

–Dr. Kenneth Cooper, Cooper Institute

How much do you move? How nimble are you? How strong are you? What can you do with your body? Can your body take you where you want to go?

Several weeks ago my answers to those questions were not very affirming. A year and a half ago I had virtually no regular activity in my life. Walking around NYC with my brother I found myself plagued with aches and pains, swollen feet and shin splints. I was hobbling around, trying to keep up with 5-mile leisurely-paced walks. I told myself this was unacceptable. I needed to do something about it.

And then I waited a year to do something about it.

Nothing happens until something moves.

–Albert Einstein

I’ve been moving a lot more lately. As a former couch potato, movement is full of revelations – and the lessons keep on coming.

A few months ago I started walking a half hour on a treadmill or doing a 5-10k walk outdoors every other day. I was battling a persistent cough which kept my progress to a minimum, but at least I was moving.

Four weeks ago, I began conquering Thousand Steps Beach in Laguna Beach, CA. It’s not really 1,000 steps – it’s 218 – but the first time I went up them it sure felt like 1,000. They’re steep. The steps are divided into 11½ flights with landings in between – each staircase is roughly equivalent to a floor in a building. Never would I choose to take the stairs up to the 11th floor of any building and I certainly wouldn’t have taken them to the 40th floor. But I can do that now.

The first day I rested on every other landing and made it up once. A year ago (before I committed to walking) I rested on every single landing. Doing twice as good was already an accomplishment!

Today – on my 4 week anniversary – I made it up 40 flights (3½ times) and did it without resting at all the first one (11½ flights). I honestly wouldn’t have thought that much progress was possible in just 4 short weeks.

And I’m just getting started.

Every color change signifies where I had to stop and rest. Some days I do a lot better than the previous one – and some days my body wants to regress. Don’t let that discourage you. I ask for more from my body each day and most of the time my body delivers.

How did I go from couch potato with lower back pain, coming out of a illness with a cough that lasted two months, not much muscle and an extra 60 lbs on my frame – to being addicted to an intense workout? What keys to success would I convey to my former couch potato self?

1. Regularity. Commit to doing it every other day (4 times a week), no matter how I feel. (As it turns out, I usually feel pretty great and it’s only getting better.) There have been days when I thought my legs didn’t have much juice in them and then they go and surprise me with a great deal of progress.
2. Distraction. Music helps tremendously. Find your best soundtrack that uplifts and pushes you through the hard parts and pop in some earbuds. Drown out your heaving breath, the other people, the feeling in your muscles and just hear the music driving you forward.
3. Accountability. I do this workout with my brother and brother-in-law most days. I’ve been talking about the workout and others have joined in lately because everyone wants in on a “good time”! No one overtly watches me or tsk-tsk’s about how I’m doing. But I know they’re there (so I don’t slack) and they encourage when I have progress (which incentivizes).
4. Encouragement. I don’t do well with the “trainer” style encouragement – where I’m derided or told I’m a loser. I don’t appreciate the strategy of being told I have to do one more set (when I thought I was done). I don’t do well with people who tell me that I’m not capable of something – with the strategy/expectation that I’ll want to prove them wrong. But when someone notices how well I’m doing and cheers me on, I’m all ready to do better and better. Pick your encouragers based on what style works for you. Fight your own battles in your head – keep away from external factors that make you want to give up when it’s hard. I’m not competing with the other people on the stairs, I’m only competing with myself.
5. Tracking. This is not about weight loss or inches lost (though I experienced both). This was all about building strength and joy and freedom by moving my body. Every day I track my progress – how far I made it overall (adding flights whenever I can) and record how far I made it without resting. I take a pretty beach photo or one of the stairs with my iPhone and caption it with my progress and then I post that to facebook for even more accountability and encouragement.
6. Pacing. This is not someone else’s workout, it’s mine. No one is prodding me to accomplish a certain amount. I never worked myself so hard that I was sore for days later – so there has never been extreme or discouraging muscle pain. The only time I’ve felt pain was in my calves when I doubled the workout, and after a couple more times my calves were strengthened and feeling no pain. The body recovers quickly, builds new muscle and can do more. I didn’t feel a thing when I tripled the workout. Do what feels right for you. If you want sore, push it. If you don’t, build more gradually.
7. Difficulty. I am getting a very strenuous workout in a mere 45 minutes and that means more progress sooner. The progress is more noticeable because it’s less gradual than what I could achieve walking 7 miles in 2 hours. I’ve seen and felt great increases in both strength and stamina – even though I started out at my own pace (which was minimal). I can keep adding repetitions and change up how I climb those stairs for infinite possibilities as my strength and stamina grow even further. Sometimes I do what my brother does – kick my leg out behind me on each step. Sometimes just getting up the stairs is enough.
8. Joy. I get to work out in a beautiful environment. For me, doing the treadmill or elliptical in the gym doesn’t cut it (but will certainly do in a pinch). On the stairs I am in an ocean breeze, in cool shade, looking at one of the most beautiful views while I’m huffing and puffing. It’s about pain and pleasure: do something where these balance out, especially when you’re getting started.

Lately I’m antsy during the day in between workouts – wanting to do it again. Really? Me?! I feel endorphin-fueled and exhilarated for 1-2 hours after each workout, feeling like I could go running or leap over tall buildings (somehow I have resisted these impulses, so far). My back pain is beginning to lessen and disappear this week (4 weeks into it). I never thought I’d feel any of that. And my legs feel incredibly strong. Bonuses, all.

I’m not going to talk about weight lost or inches lost. Too many fitness goals focus on these two things as if they’re the reason for doing the workout. The reason for the workout is how it makes you feel and what you’re now able to do with your body. Not how you look. I cannot stress this enough.

Let’s be clear about all the things I didn’t like about strenuous exercise, because these things might be holding you back, too. I don’t like to get extremely hot (uncomfortable!), drip sweat (uncomfortable!), breathe hard (uncomfortable!) or work my muscles until they’re jelly (uncomfortable!). Lot’s of people love that stuff – but I wasn’t one of them. Now I find myself with sweat dripping down my face and back and loving it. Sometimes I breathe even harder than necessary to get oxygen to my muscles so I can keep on going. I go until my legs are jelly. Things can change.

To my former couch potato self I’d say: YOU CAN DO THIS. And you’ll see amazing results every time you repeat it if you challenge yourself to do something beyond your current capabilities.

Four weeks ago I looked for any excuse not to exercise. A couple of days ago I did the stairs in the rain and skipping it didn’t even cross my mind as an option. Today I did them with an achy, weak body that was screaming “no!” And I still did more than last time.  I also trick myself by going back to the bottom again and I have no choice but to get back up to the top. I use whatever I can to make it happen. Today I visualized how sucky my graph would look on my 4 week anniversary if I only made it up two times (when my body was giving up). No matter how I do and what my progress is, at the very least I have conquered my propensity to make excuses. And that’s quite an accomplishment.

Moving will change you. Move soon, move often. The best time to start is years ago. The second best time to start is today.

Next: Audacious Goals of a Former Couch Potato

Are you making your mark? Standing out? Blending in? Collaborating? Rebelling? In this art piece, the first person that leaves a mark has some significance – what they do shows up. And as time goes on, marks are made, they can strive to be different and creative, or simply random and without much thought. They can go with the flow by placing their marks near where others have chosen (favorite spots?) or stand away from the crowd. Eventually the individual is lost and what is done collectively becomes something new and much greater than what an individual can accomplish. Patterns emerge. Watch:

Over time:

• Most marks are made at eye level, on the walls.
• Fewer people put their mark on the soft seating of the sofas. (Perhaps it’s because the placement seems like it will dislodge or be sat upon.)
• Fewer people mark the floor. (Perhaps it’s because their mark will be walked upon.)
• Most people do the expected – a dot here and there.
• Some people place smaller dots on larger dots, some line up or group their dots.
• Some individuals break ground and start patterns that others want to contribute to.
• Some follow these leaders or work with others to create larger patterns in organized ways. (Note the groupings of colors on the far wall.)
• The marks that stray from the norm stand out or have the potential to be noticed more.

I’m ever so curious as to how many marks are under the couches, chairs and tables.

This reminds me of “Julietâ€s Balcony” in Verona, Italy. The passageway leading to the courtyard where the rumored balcony resides is covered in grafitti — love messages layered upon one another. I wrote a message there, too, once. I knew it would be quickly (?) covered by other messages, but there was a compulsion to add to the menagerie. I leaned in to read a few messages, but they easily get drowned out in the cacophony of the collective message of “love.”

These are all contributions to communication within a limited framework. In one, the limitations are dots and a room and everyone was handed the same “medium.” In the other itâ€s messages about love in a passageway. In San Luis Obispo, the limitations are an alley and bubblegum.

So often our ego cries out to be noticed as an individual. To make a difference and be noticed. People don’t vote because they feel their drop in the bucket doesn’t make a difference. When you get a million people feeling like that, it certainly makes a difference.

This art piece reminds me of what our contribution can be as humans living amongst larger, more diverse populations. Human relationships, goals and conflicts are challenging on a personal one-on-one basis at times — how much more so when we multiply that by millions in a world of nations. How do the marks of individuals not get obliterated or trampled on by others who are just trying to make their own marks?

Every little individual act matters because it makes up the whole. You just don’t get to be the whole.

Where and how would you have placed your mark in these places? Where and how are you placing your mark upon the world?

Want to put books into the hands of people who…

1. Haven’t had access to books
2. Need to learn to read

If you’re interested, look to Tim Ferriss†generous birthday offer to match your donation if we meet $20,000 in fund raising goals for the great organization Room to Read. They can build and stock a library with $20,000 and that means two libraries will be created through this one pledging drive. And as if you need more incentive, Timâ€s offering to give away a trip around the world for those that super-promote his offer. But really, we’d donate even without any contest because this is definitely worth doing!

As Tim writes, “On a personal level: can you imagine never having read a book? Never being able to satisfy your intellectual curiosity? Thatâ€s unacceptable.”

Indeed.

Let’s make this happen!

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“Never let your fear overcome your desire. Let the obstacles in your path be external, not internal. Fortune does favor the bold and you’ll never know what you’re capable of if you don’t try.”

All that glitters is not gold.”
—William Shakespeare

In a land plagued by reality TV, tabloids, gossip and celebrity culture, we are often confused about where our attention is manipulated directed. People behaving badly get our time, our energy, our mindshare.

The moments we could be getting inspired by interesting people, participating in events we can learn from, being in places we can matter and noticing opportunities to achieve get much less attention.

Whatâ€s Interesting? Whoâ€s Interesting?

You know what’s inspiring. What challenges you to better things. Who you learn from. What makes your eyes well up with tears. These are the things we wish we would’ve done or thought of first. The things we aspire to be. Heroic things. People who are making a difference in the lives of others.

Happiness can only be found if you can free yourself of all other distractions.”
—Saul Bellow

What you see on weekly celebrity gossip tabloids doesn’t fall into these categories 99 times out of 100 (and maybe that 1% margin is generous). Just think of all the factoids about entertainment celebrities are stuffed in your head taking up space that could be repurposed for something useful.

So why do we watch a train-wreck? There’s only so much “learning what not to do” that one can do. Though we are engineered to care more about danger (hence, what to avoid), we also seem to be addicted to judging other people’s trainwrecks while ignoring our own. We give our ego a break for a moment by averting our eyes from our own troubles and focusing on the troubles of others. This is a powerful addiction. It’s oh-so-hard to face our own stuff. Any time we can find someone who’s falling down in ways that we’re not at risk of doing, we can feel safely ensconced in our own ego.

Assessing the damage

In our appetite for gossip, we tend to gobble down everything before us, only to find, too late, that it is our ideals we have consumed, and we have not been enlarged by the feasts but only diminished.”
—Pico Iyer

When we’re looking at (or for) the obnoxious, what are our eyes being averted from? What beauty, what art is not being created, noticed or celebrated? Do we know the difference between what grabs our attention and what true, fulfilling interests we no longer have time for?

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I’ve been contemplating self-sabotage lately. I’m sure I’ll have more to say about that soon. Today I’ll say it’s not exactly rocket science that if I leave a glass-half-full of water near a powered-on laptop in the same room with a cat that loves to tip over water glasses that I’m playing a dangerous game with fate.

My old macbook has been having fits and starts lately but I was determined to get more miles out of it. After the inevitable water damage occurred sometime in the middle of the night I rushed it to the “emergency room” and they didn’t hold out much hope for it – but assured me it’s heart (hard drive) might be salvageable. I went home for the weekend, internet-less.

Addictions & Distractions

The internet is an addiction I’ve been acknowledging and pledging to do something about for months. Okay, years. It’s not easy to sort out the parts that are necessary and what needs to be shed when I make my living developing content, designs and experiences on the internet. I have to use it as part of my job.

Distractions are so seductively alluring. I’ll set off to do something perfectly productive and an hour later I snap out of a trance – 38 web articles, 52 emails and 157 clicks later – and realize I’ve strayed way off-topic. That graphic I was hunting for is a distant memory.

Like Hansel and Gretel, I don’t drop breadcrumbs and often can’t even remember how I got in front of the candy-coated house. Meanwhile hours and days of life are eaten away by bytes of information. Most of what I’m doing doesn’t move me a single inch toward my goals and, instead, fills my brain with more clutter to clear away before getting back to business.

Lost time is never found again.”

—Benjamin Franklin

Ben’s soooo right.

Oddly, the place where I kept my computer drew me like a magnet even when no enticing device occupied that space. Wow. That’s a strong hold and embarrassing to face. I felt out of control. And I wanted my internet back.

Forced Limits

Forced to check email at the library, I was limited to an hour chunk of time for all my internet activities. If other computers were unoccupied I could extend my session in 15 minute increments. I hit that button like a rat in an experiment begging for cheese and extended my time to two hours.

An internet time limit may be no big deal to most people. You know the ones – they pop on to their computer to check and respond to email for 10 minutes every few days and then turn the computer off. But for the rest of us, it is a strange thing to handle all of our daily electronic business in an hour, strictly during library hours.

I was suddenly aware how quickly time is sucked away while clicking away and answering a few emails. My priorities came into focus. Was I going to read that email? Watch that video post on Facebook? Read that incredibly interesting article? Did I really have the time for it? It was much easier to decide what to attend to and what to ignore. So many previously important attention-grabbing links were relegated to “I don’t have time for you” status.

I was in a rush to get as much done as possible. This is a crucial revelation.

We all have our own lists of our biggest time consumers that have the the smallest payoff. Twitter? Facebook? Games? Email subscriptions you delete every day without reading? RSS reader with too many things youâ€re scrolling by? Any of these things can be productive or depletive. How we use the (otherwise useful) tools will determine our results.

It’s time to implement the time-limiting tools for TV, internet and the rest of life that’s providing me with ample distraction from what I’m really doing. And, of course, I wish I would’ve conquered it all sooner.

By prevailing over all obstacles and distractions, one may unfailingly arrive at his chosen goal or destination.”

—Christopher Columbus

Itâ€s time to capture the energy of that library clock ticking down.

• Monk Mind: How to Increase Your Focus
• Focus Manifesto
• Resources for time consciousness and management
• Limit Time-Wasting Sites and Give Your Willpower a Break
• Why You Shouldn’t Check Your Email First Thing in the Morning
• How to Rebuilt Your Attention Span and Focus

Start clocks and stop watches will act as timers for both what I want to do and what I want to stop doing. More to come as this develops into new behavior, new attitudes, new doses of productive life…which is important not only for me, personally, but for our culture as a whole.

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Vivian Maierâ€s negatives (hundreds of thousands of them) were discovered in boxes after her death. And they are beautiful.

She would’ve had a very different life had she shared her art earlier. Maybe that wasn’t what she wanted. Keeping it all to herself begs the question: Did she know how remarkable she was?

She traveled alone (which I highly recommend) around the world in 1959.

See more of her work here.

Last month, I invited you to Take Yourself to Dinner (In Another country).

After I impulsively booked my first plane ticket, I had to figure out where I’d stay and what I’d see. Here are some resources that were helpful and others that I’ve collected since…

Travel planning

• AAA Travel Services
  This is where I started for my first trip – I visited an office and asked for suggestions. Thanks to the recommendation of the agent, I ended up in Capri for a few days of my first trip and she pointed me to…
• Trafalgar Tours
  You’re not completely alone when on a tour with others and that can help with loneliness when you’re getting accustomed to traveling alone.

Cool places to stay

• Rent Villas
  I stayed here on my second trip to Italy. It’s family owned and they serve a fantastic dinner in the onsite restaurant two days a week. It’s very close to San Gimignano (a long walk or a short, beautiful drive).
• Welcome Beyond
• The Library Hotel (NYC)
  Different-themed rooms, loaded with books based on the theme. Fun!
• Airstream Trailers (Catskills, NY)

Things to see

• Roadside Architecture (USA)
  An old-school site, but with tons of resources to find diners, interesting signs, miniature villages and obsessive places.

Travel deals

• Off & Away
• Living Social Escapes
• Is there a Groupon for travel?

For the more adventurous traveler

• Dragoman: Life Changing Adventure Travel
  A blogging friend is now leading tours through Africa. This company leads tours throughout the world that sound great for those who like to camp and get away from civilization.
• 4 Hour Workweek (book & website)
  Tim Ferriss is an advocate taking “mini-retirements” – extended trips while you’re still young enough to enjoy them. His life is structured so that he can move to another country for months at a time. Here’s the 4 Hour Workweek Expense Calculator so you can build travel into your life.
• The Art of Non-Conformity (book & website)
  Chris Guillebeauâ€s goal is to visit every country in the world by April 7, 2013 and he’s very unconventional about it – using round the world tickets and frequent flyer mile strategies.

Why travel? Hereâ€s some inspiration

• A friendâ€s advice to her daughter for marriage: ”Save your money for experiences, not things.”
• My married friends take road trips (seems to be almost weekly) and post beautiful photos here and here. Want to see that waterfall? Go do it.
• Before getting married, another friend would have a GNO (girlâ€s night out) all by herself. She’d stay overnight (or a weekend) at quaint bed & breakfasts within roadtrip distance. She shared photos and blogged about her revelations and we learned along with her.
• Nick Miller on travel
  “Travel is extraordinary conversations with ordinary people.”
• The Journey is the Destination by Dan Eldon
  Dan created beautiful, fascinating, eclectic journals during his adventurous travels. Excerpts are published in this book after he was chased down and killed by an angry mob at age 22 in Somalia. By then his journalistic work had already appeared in Time and Newsweek.

Journaling and photo resources

Keeping a journal (online or physical) and sharing photographs (online or physical) is a great way to keep your memories with you, long after your adventure concludes. Record how a place feels and smells, the people you met, the places you’d like to return to. I’ve even taken photos of my room keys in Paris so Iâ€ll remember which room had the great balcony and can request it upon my return.

Free online resources:

• WordPress, Blogger, Livejournal (allows public, private or groups filtered blogging)
• Flickr (different levels of privacy for sharing), Photobucket

Physical resources:

• Picaboo or Blurb printed photo journal books from digital files
• Moleskine Large Plain Notebook or Moleskine Large Hardcover Sketchbook
  Thatâ€s the notebook used by artists Henri Matisse, Vincent van Gogh, poet André Breton, writer Ernest Hemingway and travel writer Bruce Chatwin. Do sketches, paste photos and write about your travels.

My resources

• My Italy trip planning blog
  As I started to collect ideas for things to do on my second trip to Italy, I’d put them here.
• My travel-related Delicious bookmarks

Share your best travel resources in the comments below. As soon as I get 5 comments, I’ll give away Top 10 Naples and the Amalfi Coast to one of the commenters, chosen at random.

Do you tally when you’re the one giving the most? Most of the backrubs? Most of the chores? Most of the forgiveness? Taking on most of the burdens? Whoâ€s getting and whoâ€s giving? Does it seem like all the beads are on the other side of the abacus?

Are you trying to even things out by withholding that backrub because you didn’t get one? Suddenly no one gets a backrub.

Are you going slower on your project because the others arenâ€t pulling their weight? Is the project getting done?

Is the world a better place?

Keeping score

Here’s a premise: Donâ€t focus on equity. Do good for others without concern for what you’re getting.

• Your partner isn’t giving you backrubs? Give them one anyway.
• Your friend isn’t good at calling you back? Call them anyway.
• Your co-worker is always negative? Give them a smile and encourage them anyway.

Don’t keep accounts. Keeping accounts takes energy that can be poured into doing good.

When we’re measuring, we’re constraining, pulling in and worrying that it’s not fair. It’s not about fair. It’s about doing good in the world. Good is not a battle.

Thousands of candles can be lit from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared.”

—Buddha

Our competition is not about who can withhold the most – but who can give the most.

Taking care of the takers

What about takers? Aren’t we just rewarding their selfishness?

Don’t worry about being the rewarder or punisher – that takes you out of giving mode. Those that suck in resources without letting anything flow out will eventually not receive as much – from anyone. It’s not about making a decision not to give to them. You don’t have to withhold. Youâ€ll naturally invest where the good you do is flowing out and doing even more good.

Good is a good investment. Stay focused on the good.

I spent 4 years in a relationship with a taker. He was always looking for how he could get more out of any situation. He was always (and only) looking out for his own interests. The goal for him was to get more than he gave. It’s certainly one way to go through life. But it’s certainly not the most feel-good way.

Generosity flows toward those that are giving.

What about abuse?

This doesn’t mean we are to lavish those that are abusing us – rewarding the abuse with our time and resources. If your client isn’t paying, don’t keep doing more unpaid work. If your partner is abusing you, don’t keep bending over backwards and allowing them to do more harm. If your relative isn’t willing to work, but expects everyone else to pay their way, they’re abusing the hard work of others. If someone is an addict, this is not about being their enabler. You’re not giving anything useful when you give to an abuser.

This is not about signing up for continued abuse. Itâ€s about creating generosity.

The spirit of generosity

Generosity: the habit of giving freely without expecting anything in return.

The way to teach and spread generosity is by being generous. Pretty soon you’re trying to outgive each other. What a wonderful place to be.

What extra can you give your clients and customers? How can you provide more than is expected? Say kind things, do useful and helpful things, be the unexpected good in other people’s worlds. Don’t just return favors — look for opportunities to be the good in someone else’s day wherever you can. Even when others have done nothing to “deserve” it.

Surprise them. Delight them.

Notice the good that others are doing in your life, be thankful for it (and express that gratitude). Pay it forward and do good in everyone’s life. It’s our way to make life and our world better.

Our job is doing good. Be utterly impractical about it. Do huge and crazy good. Do tiny, momentary good. Do good that stretches your boundaries. Do good that is right in your comfort zone. Give of your strengths and talents. As you make more and more room for good, bad has no room to flourish.

Looking to expand your world and do good for strangers? Here’s some giving opportunities:

• Kiva (Sign up to make small loans to entrepreneurs on 5 continents – $25 to change a life)
• Operation Smile
• Doctors without Borders
• Women for Women International
• Responsible Charity
• Charity:Water

Subjects and ideas for doing good from TED talks (and the number of talks for each subject):

• The Rise of Collaboration (50)
• What Makes Us Happy (64)
• Media With Meaning (63)
• War & Peace (46)
• Rethinking Poverty (83)

This guy in India is an amazing inspiration.

What we have done for ourselves alone dies with us; what we have done for others and the world remains and is immortal.”

—Albert Pike

Something for you

Please share a memorable bit of good you’ve given or received or an opportunity to do some good. I’ll give The Life Organizer: A Woman’s Guide to a Mindful Year — a beautiful, full-color book of life-changing inspiration and planning — to one of the commenters. The giving will happen a week from today if we have at least five commenters (or we’ll wait until we do – while this blog gathers momentum). If you think this post was valuable to you and you’d like to get your friends in on the fun, I’d be honored if you’d pass it along to them. Help me give away stuff! I’ll add more items if I get a dozen comments and even more if it goes over thirty.

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Who are your biggest cheerleaders? Who helps you see your best qualities, define your values, see others more clearly, be your best self, discover your passions and believe you are capable of doing the things you were passionate about?

We all hunger for the people who cheer us on to greater things. Some of our relationships operate on a platform of criticism, ego and agendas that try to take us down a notch. Hell, we can get knocked down and held back by a series of circumstances without anyone else getting involved. Then here come the cultural naysayers to keep just about anyone from being exceptional.

Correction does much, but encouragement does more.”

—Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

No wonder we thirst for compliments. We naturally gravitate toward the people who recognize the best in us and with a few words have the power to enhance our innate qualities and inspire us to travel in new and true directions. But finding those people is the trick.

Every moment we waste with a naysayer is a moment we could have spent with a cheerleader.

Those who are lifting the world upward and onward are those who encourage more than criticize.”

—Elizabeth Harrison

False cheers

Taking an interest in what others are thinking and doing is often a much more powerful form of encouragement than praise.”

—Robert Martin

Compliments and praise aren’t always cheers. There are lots of people seemingly cheering for us. There’s the dad who cheers his kid to play football because that’s what dad wants from his son whoâ€d rather be painting. And the mom who makes her disinterested daughter play piano because mom was forced to play and “it’s good for her.” The friend that ingratiates by slathering compliments in order to people-please but don’t really give a damn where their friend’s life is going.

Before we decide what we’re good at we’re vulnerable to the agendas of others. We can suck up a good compliment or few and before we know it we’re living someone else’s idea of our own life. Have we shed the person that other people wanted us to be and are we moving toward our own purpose?

Our brain cells, our emotions, our inclinations and talents drive us in a direction. We’re lagging until we can move toward our own journey with all the supportive fuel we can get. Who is putting the foot on our brake and who is helping us put it on the gas? And whose hands are on the wheel?

It’s easy to be a critic and everyone seems to be one But we need critics too. A good surgical criticism can help us find our direction just as much as some solid encouragement. Cheerleaders help us stay true to our principles and values in spite of where false cheers have lead us.

Identify your cheerleaders

Do you know what a real cheerleader looks like? They are listening to who you are. Their suggestions often run counter to their own preferences or interests. They are more interested in your internal contentment than the ego driven pursuits of what your outsides look like and what high-powered career you can garner. They want you to pursue your passions with success. They don’t shove their fears at you. They are the realistic optimists that help you find your way through.

Cheerleading parents set their own egos and desires on the shelf and pay attention to their childâ€s inner compass in the myriad of activities they’re exposed to. They help their child figure out where their real passion lies by seeing what they truly value. And then they support them in it even if they don’t understand it, even if it worries them, even if it doesnâ€t fulfill their parenting dreams.

Ask for cheers

Cultivating the cheerleaders in our life takes a little effort. Aside from finding those that naturally cheer – we can simply ask the people around us to take part in our growth and development by telling them how we need to be cheered. When their agendas are ruling their input – let them know gently that you are different and give them your developing list of what matters to you.

Several years ago I participated in an exercise at work. We were defining our personal brand and handed out cards to our peers asking them for three words that describe us at our best. They were stapled together and we couldn’t open them until the end of the workshop. It was like having a stack of valentines waiting for me. When I opened them I felt like a kid again. Hearing how others perceived me – at my best – is fuel for creating direction and momentum.

A wonderful man I was dating wasn’t expressive with compliments. His actions told me how much he cared but I had no idea what it was about me that he valued, nor how I was seen through his eyes. As part of a playful request I asked him to bring me a note the next few times we saw each other that could have as little as a single word on it or as much as he wanted to write. I asked that each note contain something he appreciated, respected or admired about me. (Being a sparse communicator, he brought single words on folded cards in tiny envelopes.) Though he remains a friend I’m no longer sentimental about or attached to him, yet those cards still have a positive effect in my life and I’m glad I have them. And I’m glad I asked.

Asking for encouragement doesn’t dilute the power of the encouragement.

Not everyone will become a cheerleader – some just can’t be that for you. But ask first before you decide that they are banished to the land of the naysayers.

Be the cheerleader

Flatter me, and I may not believe you. Criticize me, and I may not like you. Ignore me, and I may not forgive you. Encourage me, and I will not forget you.”

—William Arthur Ward

Be the cheerleader in someone’s life and theyâ€ll flourish faster. Your contribution to their success will create a bond that can’t be broken and you get to watch them thrive.

How are you cheerleading your friends? Do you expect them to do what you want in order for your ego to be satisfied? Or are you helping them to see and believe and letting them be who they are?

Who is telling your kids what theyâ€re good at? Who is exposing them to new experiences, people, hobbies, activities? Who is showing them where they excel? Who is your childâ€s cheerleader?

The more I encourage my child to think for himself, the more he will care what I think”

—Anonymous

What cheerleading can look like

right now:

There are Tibetan Buddhist monks in a temple in the Himalayas endlessly reciting mantras for the cessation of your suffering and for the flourishing of your happiness.

Someone you haven’t met yet is already dreaming of adoring you.

Someone is writing a book that you will read in the next two years that will change how you look at life.

Read the rest of “the manifesto of encouragement” by Danielle LaPorte

Go forth and be of good cheer.

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Most people don’t voluntarily go out to dinner by themselves nor see a movie in a theatre, go to a concert, travel locally or overseas. Why would you ever do anything that is normally a social activity – all by yourself? What would be the point?

The first time

I was faced going to a concert alone 12 years ago. A concert! No one could go with me. So I made a decision. I could either go alone or not go at all. Not going meant eating the price of both tickets and missing out on a concert I was really looking forward to. Going alone meant parking my car, walking by myself in crowds of happy people talking with each other, sitting next to an empty seat, cheering by myself without anyone to nudge, smile with and share the experience with, walking out by myself with no one to review with.

The problem was that those activities also meant something to me every step of the way. Not having a single person who wanted to be there with me meant something about me. It could mean that I was a loser without friends. And it was those feelings that were the hurdle to overcome. It was the meaning I attached to “attending a concert alone” that was so unbearable.

So I attached a different meaning. What was really going on? It wasn’t true that I had no friends. It was true that some of them already had plans, some didn’t like these bands and I hadn’t reached all my circle of friends in time. That’s something to learn, not something to lament. So I set out to enjoy the experience. And I did. It was a wonderful concert.

Making a habit of it

I started taking myself to the movies alone when I really wanted to see something no one else wanted to see. Going to concerts alone, on purpose. When I was hungry and wanted to go out to dinner on a whim I didn’t have to find a companion to go. I just went. Usually I took a book along with me to substitute for the conversation. Sometimes I took my little notebook and made plans and brainstormed. These activities became as valuable to me as the social interactions with friends would have been. Instead of taking myself out as a last-ditch less-desirable outcome I started actively making this choice. I started looking forward to pre-meditated alone time.

Stepping it up a notch

Then came the epiphany. I wanted to go to Italy and no one would set aside the time or the money to go with me. I waited for ten years and all that time I was setting aside my own dream. The vision of traveling to Italy would not dissipate and the person to share it with would not materialize. Something had to give.

I got in touch with someone who traveled to Italy by himself. He begged me to take this trip by myself. “You will see things that you would never notice if you were with someone else.” He told me to be sure to visit Assisi. He talked about the attractive qualities that are found in a person that travels alone and the changes it would bring about for me.

I was convinced. I could go alone. I would go alone. (Eventually.)

A few months later Giovanni and his brother died in a car accident. Several months later my grandmother (who often inspired me by traveling alone and marching to her own tune) was in the hospital and was sure that she was dying. Then September 11, 2001 happened. In that year it finally became obvious to me that time was of the essence. I was done waiting.

Two weeks after 9/11 – during a time where it was sketchy to be traveling – I booked my ticket. Then I said to myself “now what?” I didn’t know where to stay, what to see, what to do. This trip had become such a huge thing that I suddenly felt every decision needed to be perfect.

I stumbled into my local AAA and picked up a few tour travel brochures. One 10-day tour fit neatly into my 17 day tickets, and it included Giovanniâ€s recommendation: Assisi. Decisions started to fall into place. The travel agent recommended Capri for the few days before my tour started.

I don’t speak Italian, I only took a few years of French and that was way back in High School. I bought a little dictionary and some maps and renewed my passport.

While I was waiting for my trip date to arrive, my grandmother died. I would be both grieving her loss and celebrating her life when I traveled alone.

The big leap

So I did it. It was the trip of a lifetime (and seven years later I did it again). The fear of the unknown was the biggest obstacle, but every thing you do and every moment you spend there turns the unknown into the known. It’s all new, exciting and nerve wracking — then it becomes comfortable and familiar  — while itâ€s still exciting.

Italy became my lover, my friend, my companion. We share our own secrets. The streets I walked and discovered are my own private stories – just me and my alleys. I conquered the nervousness walking out of my hotel in those first few hours and then conquered the fear of finding things on my own in a foreign place amongst a foreign tongue. I love that I did that. I found deeply hidden pieces of me by doing it. I noticed the sounds, the sights, the smells and the tastes in greater deal than had I been distracted by the conversation, needs, desires and presence of a companion. I can still remember those feelings almost 10 years later. Everything became more vibrant.

Seeing differently

A line from Robin Williams†(Seanâ€s) monologue to Matt Damon (Will) in Good Will Hunting rang in my ears as I was visiting the Vatican:

So, if I asked you about art, you’d probably give me the skinny on every art book ever written. Michelangelo. You know a lot about him. Life’s work, political aspirations, him and the pope, sexual orientation, the whole works, right? But I bet you can’t tell me what it smells like in the Sistine Chapel. You’ve never actually stood there and looked up at that beautiful ceiling.”

Iâ€ve done that now. I also spent an hour gazing at his David in Florence and realized looking at pictures of this sculpture from every angle isnâ€t anywhere close to the experience when you can stare at “him” in person for as long as you like.

Would your companion allow you to stare at anything for as long as your eyes want to drink it in? I also stared at The Rape of the Sabines in the main square of Florence for an hour the first time I visited – and two hours the second. You get to do whatever you want at your own pace when you’re solo.

On my own I was more likely to strike up conversations with strangers (and they were more likely to strike up conversations with me). I was a curiosity. I people-watched more. I shopped in the stores I wanted to and lingered or moved more quickly whenever I wanted to – I was beholden only to my own agenda, which was extremely flexible. I wandered until I was lost and found again – all experiences that would have been different were I with a traveling buddy. There would be compromises about what we did and saw. Thatâ€s not necessarily a bad thing – itâ€s just a different thing.

Of course there are things I missed while traveling alone. I couldn’t point at something and say “look at that” and instantly share that moment with someone. But I could upload photos and videos later and send emails to stay connected. I could “share the experience” in other ways.

By breaking down the barriers that tell us which activities are meant to be shared, I have experienced parts of life in new ways and I’m forever grateful that I crossed those invisible but powerful lines.

Just go

These have become the things I recommend most to people:

• Go to dinner alone.
• Go to a movie alone.
• Go to a concert alone.
• Go on a trip alone.
• Go to another country alone.

And don’t do them once or twice, just because you have to or just when you’re forced into solo business travel. Do them because you want to. You need to.

Some people do this all the time. Some people do it right after high school with a backpack and very little money. If you’re looking for that kind of adventure travel, there are a lot of great resources to get you on your way.

The Sistene Chapel doesn’t have any identifiable smell, by the way. But please don’t take my word for it.

What have been your vibrant solo experiences that you think others should try?

An engaging stop motion animation of books being organized, playfully.

I love how books look when organized by color.

Unfortunately I have so many volumes that my bookshelves (2 full-height, 3 half-height) have to be very carefully spaced and the books have to be organized by size to maximize every inch. They’re also organized loosely by subject: Travel, Writing, Business, Self-Help & Inspiration, Cooking, Art, Crafts, Design, Home Decor, Philosophy, Reference, Fiction, Essays. I can usually find a book within moments thanks to this order – and I fear if mine were organized by color they wouldn’t fit and I wouldn’t be able to find anything unless I remembered the color of the spine.

I am also evaluating the anchor-like quality of having so many books. They are – by far – my most useful possessions. They are – by far – the thing helpers groan about the most when I move. I even groan at the thought of stacks and stacks of heavy boxes. So I don’t move as often as I might were I not so anchored.

Now I weigh that against how often I pick up and use each book. “Just in case I ever need it” is no longer a reason to keep a book. Some of them aren’t available in the library so having a copy is a necessity (as long as the book is useful). Lately I’ve been shedding books that aren’t used regularly. I’ll be giving them away here, too.

I dream of someday having a room dedicated as a library, but I also know this is a frivolous desire in a world where many don’t even have a bed.

How are your books organized? How many books do you think is a good amount for you to own and why?

“If there is any difference between you and me, it may simply be that I get up every day and have the chance to do with I love to do, every day. If you want to learn anything from me, this is the best advice I can give you.” —Warren Buffet

What if you were doing what you were truly passionate about every day?

Understanding our talents is the key to making that happen. A talent is that thing you do simply because you love doing it. Passion, desire, devotion and excitement live in our talents. These are the things we’re inclined to do.

We often hear talent defined as the creative endeavors in which we are naturally gifted. And sometimes that’s the way a talent appears. But mostly we practice a “talent” because we adore doing that more than anything else. A natural ease playing an instrument may have inflamed an inclination – we all want to be good at what we attempt. It’s practice and a love of playing that builds the talent and talent (the inclination) that makes us love to practice. Logical minds may have a talent for math or law. Those who see rich spacial relationships may be visual artists. Those who are detailed and methodical may have a talent for accounting. Our talents are the things we love to do – whether we were paid to do them or not.

Do what you love. Know your own bone. Gnaw at it, bury it, unearth it, and gnaw it still.” —Henry David Thoreau

So how do we turn our talents into our greatest strengths? How do we get to our goal?

1) Define it

We’re much more likely to move in the direction of our desire if we know what we want.

I started my career thinking it’d be just dreamy to work in advertising. I watched programs like Thirty Something and thought brainstorming about a creative execution that miraculously solved a client’s business problem while shooting basketballs through an indoor hoop was the way I’d like to spend my days. My talents and inclinations dictated that I’d be developing the visual ideas with a writing partner filling in the copy ideas. It was a movie/TV cliché, but it created a general direction. From there, it was unlikely I was going to end up in a deathly quiet office with putty-colored cubicles doing accounting. It also wasn’t likely to end with me up to my knees in dirt digging ditches. Of course either of those might have been places where I started, but I wasn’t likely to end there once I saw where I wanted to go.

Without much directed effort I got to my goal. Simply knowing which direction to point the rudder will move you in the direction of your dream.

As it turns out, my brain tends to function in both right and left hemispheres taking turns about equally. This is my sweet spot. The business and creative sides of advertising let me play back and forth. And I have a love for interactive communications – that means my technical brain gets to play with my creative brain. And that is right where I ended up in my career.

Defining our desired outcome can be as simple as knowing a single word, like a road sign. Or it can be a detailed list, broken down by milestones and tasks that take us there. Write down your dream – right now – in as much detail as you can see this moment.

2) Believe it

Believing our goal is possible is the first step toward making it probable.

The thing always happens that you really believe in; and the belief in a thing makes it happen.” —Frank Lloyd Wright

Very few people set out to do what is literally impossible. Our vision may be hard or have a lot of moving parts. It may have elements that are (right now) beyond our capabilities. But it’s possible.

How many times has passion gripped you and you sat on it – unsure of whether or not you can bring the idea to fruition – only to find that someone else decided to believe it was possible and made it so.

Don’t discourage yourself before you even try. I’ve been stifling my own dreams for years simply because I was afraid that if I tried and failed, I’d lose knowing that dream was still out there. But we know how prolific dreams can be. If a dream were actually impossible, a new dream would step forward to take its place.

So dream and believe.

Picture yourself living your dream. What does it feel like? What physically surrounds you as your dream is fulfilled? Where do you live? What are your relationships like? How about your financial security? What’s in your daily routine? What are the intangible parts of life – happiness, fulfillment, growth – that encompass your dream?

Dig through photo archives to find as many visual representations of what your dream feels like and keep them within your frame of vision whenever you’re doing something to work toward your goal. Remind yourself what’s ahead is real because your day-to-day reality right now may be very different from where you’re going. Keep your eyes focused on the goal.

3) Approach it

Now it’s time to take steps – small and large – toward your dream. The smaller your defined steps are, the more likely you are to put one foot in front of the other. For instance, it’s easier to check off “sign up for PhotoShop class” than it is to complete “get a college degree in design.” Allow yourself to see progress by defining the smallest increments you can.

And if you’re just plain intimidated by large chunks of work, give yourself a smaller assignment. Writing a book can happen one paragraph, or even one sentence at a time. It’s likely once you get rolling with a daily sentence, you’ll finish several pages each day – but setting “pages” as your goal can be daunting. Anyone can write a sentence every day. Grease your wheels with incremental goals.

If your goal is to turn a room full of clutter into a studio, think about what it will feel like to be working in your studio. Move toward the positive, future goal rather than away from the negative clutter it is now. We’re not inspired by fearing or disliking the negative – we’re inspired by moving toward the dream.

4) Ask yourself three questions

Keep these questions at the top of your mind:

Focus: Is this activity moving me toward my goal?

My brother gave me some great advice recently that he fostered during the days he was getting his degree in architecture. When you’re about to watch TV for an hour, ask yourself “Does this move me closer to my goal?” When you are letting housework (of all things!) distract you, ask “Does this move me closer to my goal?” When you let friends and the activities they’re planning distract you, ask yourself “Does this move me closer to my goal?” Checking email? Ask the question. Playing a game? Ask the question.

Put notes up on the TV, the refrigerator, the dashboard of your car, the computer screen (especially!) and keep reminding yourself that you have a goal in mind and anything that doesn’t move you toward it is keeping you away from it. Make those decisions wisely. Go out with your friends, but know every time you steer in the direction of leisure or distraction it takes you away from reaching your goal sooner. Do it consciously and sparingly.

Morning: What am I going to do today to move toward my goal?

Remind yourself every morning what direction you’re moving and reset your sights on your roadmap.

Evening: What did I do today to move toward my goal?

Check your progress each evening. This creates accountability and will help spur you into (more) action tomorrow.

Tracking tools

If checking boxes gives you a sense of movement and direction, here’s a list of tools for tracking your list of tasks or milestones that take you closer to your goal.

Tadalist.com – Simple to-do list allows you to define and check off tasks

Todoist.com – To-do list with calendaring option

The Big Picture – To-do drag and drop with calendar and collaboration

Base Camp – Project Management to create schedules, assign tasks, communicate with others

Daytum – Public accountability by publishing your progress

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With the millions of demands that are placed on us by others and ourselves, it’s important not to become too selfish or too self-sacrificing.

When your activities seem to be defined by what you think others might think, what they want from you, what is expected, what you have to do – life can become very wearying. When your activities all about what you want every moment of every day – life can become very isolating.

Having an answer for these two questions will help our cup stay full so that we have something to give to others – which will allow us to stay socially lubricated.

What did you do for yourself today?

Something pampering, goal-advancing, life-affirming, attentive, focused. This task will either give yourself a sense of accomplishment or a sense that you are relaxing while not accomplishing anything. Do you know which one is needed today?

What did you do for others today?

Something that required a sacrifice of time or resources, you were completely present (mind was in the moment and not on other tasks or priorities), were committed to enjoying (whether you thought you might or not).

Pick something that is either a) demanding your attention or b) wouldn’t demand anything from you, so it’s up to you to provide the needed attention.

Ask yourself: who is making this demand and where do they lie on your life’s priority list? Lots of different personalities will scream for attention varying forms – make sure you’re putting your efforts into people and situations that merit it – not simply the ones that make the most noise.

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A companion reading list to the post “Building a Better Brainstorm,” here are exercises, constraints, prompts, and ways of constructing and deconstructing thoughts to get to better ideas.

Some books to help fire up the creative brain:

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Have you ever needed an idea to come together right now? Do you wonder how tremendously creative people keep generating new ideas? Is it some innate talent that only a few get? Is it something they’ve learned and practiced? Are some people just more gifted than others?

Creativity isn’t some elusive spark that descends upon us, unbidden or after an appropriate amount of begging. The creative process can be honed, cultivated and nurtured. It’s worth doing.

It all begins with a good â€ol productive brainstorm.

A brain wandering into creative spaces

In the middle of a dream I often think “wow, that’s amazing, I wish I would’ve thought of that.” It isn’t until I wake up that I realize I am thinking all of it. But it’s a different kind of thinking. It’s all in there – in amazing detail – when the mind is allowed to wander on its own. I wake and marvel at it as if an entity other than my own mind created it. My conscious mind is divided from my unconscious. They each seem to take turns observing the other.

A waking state where the mind behaves a little like this is in the bath or shower, in the car, or in bed just before sleep. Ideas flow, linked one after another in a random chain wherever a pen – or any other means of recording the idea – is out of reach. Creative ideas are so much more likely to play with one another and to dance in a playful mind than they are to line up and appear on demand.

Another place where the mind gets charged up is around other creative people and ideas. If one idea spawns another, playing in the ideas of others is a place to get your own ideas bouncing around. Recently I was at a lecture about photography when a slurry of ideas for my children’s book came to me during my lunch break. None of the ideas were connected to what I was learning in my class. But my mind had been marinated in a creative soup – the right environment brings about the creative flow. It happens watching a movie (if you view a movie as the creative collaboration of the writers, directors, actors, cinematographers). It happens in a museum. It happens at lunch with a friend who’s talking about their own creative endeavors.

The ON switch

How do we get the creative brain turned on, fired up and ready to perform when we want it to? When we’re sitting at the keys of our computer and an article is due? When we’re looking at a blank screen that needs to be an illustration in an hour? When our camera is in our hand and we’re feeling less than inspired? When we have to entertain an audience with a story and a presentation and we’re drawing a blank?

At a certain age children do really cute things that their parents would like them to repeat for others. And they’ll repeat these adorable performances. This stage of life seems to last about 15 minutes in most kids and then they get wise to what’s going on and refuse to perform. Sometimes our minds are like that. Our grey matter will go all out, building fantastical things, putting together ideas and scenarios and the moment it senses we’re asking it to perform, it siezes up.

So how do we trick it into doing what we need it to do without tipping it off that we really need it to perform? We let it all be play.

Learn to carry an idea long enough to grab a pencil and record it. Then riff on that idea (attaching all related information or ideas) seeing where that takes you or set it aside and let a new idea appear. Set the pencil down each time if you need to take the pressure off. Let your brain wander where it wants to go. When it gets tired and wants to stop, give it a break. Take a walk, change the environment.

There are some important components that create the best environment for a good brain flurry:

Feel safe enough to generate bad ideas

Your brain is free when it’s not worried about the quality of the ideas it’s generating. Silly is embraced. Crazy is okay. Stupid is written down. Just get an idea. Then get another and another. This is a place where quantity is the only way to get to quality. Evaluating the quality of every idea as it comes in is a sure way to stop the quantity from flowing. Don’t fall in love with an idea and don’t criticize them, either. Yet.

You’re not going to evaluate these ideas – just get them and write everything down. It could just be a phrase that’s interesting, a doodle, a diagram, an outline, a concept, a bit of dialogue, a visual description. The moment we say “Hey! That was interesting!” we may never arrive at other (even more) interesting ideas.

Write it down and let it go. Wait for the next one. Don’t place any huge importance on one thing over another. Allow your brain to keep going with more ideas. You’ll start to feel like dreaming, attaching one image to the next. Associate things that don’t relate, break things apart, put them together. Dig into the well of your experiences, passions, childhood memories, cultural knowledge and past conversations. The well is endless.

Set some constraints

What’s the size of our sandbox to play in?

An art teacher in college would give us limitations to work within on each project. Some days she’d tell us to bring trash to class without telling us what our assignment would be. Whatever we brought with us would become our limitation. Then she’d tell us to make compositions that have a vertical emphasis, a horizontal emphasis and a diagonal emphasis. Another constraint. Whether we were going to work in two dimensions or three was another boundary. We wouldn’t simply be let go and allowed make anything. But we would be allowed to make anything as long as it was within the perimeter she’d drawn.

A completely unfettered brain allowed to think and make and do anything is often overwhelmed with choices. Our brains often seek to be reigned in before they will start producing. So give yourself even an arbitrary limitation to get going.

Go outside the boundaries and let your mind “play”

Especially when you’re brainstorming with someone else — it’s important to throw out the occasional completely rebellious, ridiculous, atrocious idea. It likely doesn’t address the task at hand, it’s merely comic relief, it derails the train and sets the other minds at play in a potentially new, rich direction that will yield fruit. Let the crazy ideas flow.

See beyond the boundaries of your canvas, your page, the current technology, what your character is likely to do or say.

Embrace the unexpected

The opening scene of Monsters, Inc. shows a child afraid of everything in the dark, believing the sleeve draped over the chair is a monster’s tentacles. Meanwhile, the monster looms scarily above the child (behind his back, of course). As soon as the child sees him, he screams and that’s where the fun begins. There’s a twist: it’s actually the monster that’s scared, falls on a pile of tacks and tries desperately to get them unstuck from his backside. And then it twists again – the lights come on and warning buzzers sound and it’s all revealed to be a training situation with a mechanical kid. It’s Monster Training School. It’s in the twists away from a common experience (being afraid of what’s lurking in the dark) that the humor is found, and it’s in the unexpected and unique ideas that we’re delighted. Someone allowed their brain to wander to get to those ideas.

Ask “What if?”

The inception of so many stories seem to have evolved from this question: “What if?”

• What if there were a Monster training school? (see above)
• What if the poor and rich traded places?
• What if reality were a dream?
• What if the opposite of ______ were true?
• What if we really believed anything was possible?
• What if I had three wishes?
• What if I lost everything?
• What if having less made me happy?
• What if I put myself in ______’s shoes?

There are so many directions to go, by creating a “what if?” with a dynamic leading question and following it with whatever may pop into your mind.

» Brainstorm Reading List

Life’s but a walking shadow, a poor player
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage
And then is heard no more: it is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing.

—Shakespeare

Does life have meaning? Does your life have meaning?

The whole world is on a quest for meaning. We try to apply a meaning and interpretation to just about everything that happens. There are times when things mean more than they ought. Sometimes we attempt to make them mean less than they do. Religions are created out of differences of opinion over interpretations of circumstances – all in search of what it all means. Whoever won a war all through history assumed they had divine providence on their side – that becomes the meaning of their victory. This is especially true if the victory seemed lopsided or even “impossible.”

So there’s that kind of “meaning.” All of humanity is constantly searching through patterns and events to apply meaning.

When we think of meaning, we also think about our purpose – what’s it all for? What does it all mean?

I’d like to touch on all of that today, but on a personal level. I’ll tell you the meaning of everything.

Or, to put it another way, you’re about to tell yourself the meaning of everything.

We are always attaching meaning to everything. When things mean more, we’re making that happen. When things mean less, we’re making that so.

Events can have many meanings. We create our personal world by how we choose to interpret and assign meaning to our circumstances. The same event can affect us negatively or positively by varying degrees either way.

Someone snubs me. It could mean theyâ€re mad at me, theyâ€re having a bad day, Iâ€m not worth knowing or simply that they didnâ€t notice me.

Someone flirts with me. They could be a friendly person simply being nice, or someone who constantly needs attention and desire coming back at them, or someone openly expressing interest.

A friend criticizes me harshly and alters the relationship. My friend could have a legitimate point that needs consideration, or many other things could have been building for a long time that aren’t directly related to this criticism, or I made it difficult to communicate about it so it came out all at once with more harshness than was intended, or they have trouble communicating productively, or we never had the intimacy I thought we had, or any combination of these things.

A love interest rejects me suddenly, coldly and without warning. It could mean Iâ€m whiny, mean, unattractive, unlovable, not ready for this relationship – or – I’m still wonderful, kind, deserving, and heâ€s not ready for a mature, honest relationship. Or he’s simply not attracted to me for a million possible reasons. Or he needs something else and his need is best met by someone else (or no one else).

Someone lies to me. Perhaps I have a part in making it hard to tell me the truth by creating an unreasonable fear of consequence, or they are a perpetual liar, or they don’t respect me and decide to deprive me of my right to know the truth.

We apply meaning through our filters and experiences. The more open we are to other perspectives, the more likely we are to discover many options for seeing things rather than just our narrowest interpretation through our own circumstances. It’s often an extra effort to try to see things as they are. It’s a matter of stepping out of our own shoes. Examining motives. Stepping away from our own ego.

Rarely do we know for sure exactly what each moment means. We interpret. We apply the meaning. We decide.

You get to make your world. Itâ€s all in the meaning you give it.

How do you give it new meaning?

Big, dramatic meanings

If you are inclined to define the meaning in your world dramatically (and negatively) it will hinder you.

• You give up on love because one of your loves (or two, or three, or all of them so far…) behaved selfishly
• You believe youâ€re unworthy because a few people said so
• You interpret a bossâ€s hostility and criticism as an indication youâ€re not cut out to do what you do
• You pull away from people preemptively when you sense them pulling away from you

It would be best if these were not your default reactions. Others donâ€t respond well to “dramatastic” reactions. Using words like “always” and “never” are signs that you are over-exaggerating.

• “He always says that.”
• “She never does that.”

Itâ€s rare that “always” and “never” are true. Use them cautiously, even in your own mind. Watch how you apply language to a situation because we can emphasize and create new meaning just by the words we use to describe life’s circumstances.

Take care with terms like “best” and “worst” – this is the “best day EVERRRR” or “this is the worst thing that could possibly happen.” These are typically over-exaggerations and skew our perspective. Appreciate fully, but don’t discount everything else. Notice a bad day (and how you could have made it better), but don’t give it more credit than it’s due.

Don’t look for attention from others through exaggeration even when you don’t think this is what you’re doing. Check yourself.

Superlatives usually indicate an over-dramatization of reality. Sticking in reality – eliminating emotion-laden rhetoric – is more productive and will help you maintain focus for what is really on your plate. Let others seek attention through exaggeration of circumstances – do your best to have integrity in how you describe your life, your emotions and your circumstances – even in your own head.

Instead of applying an overly negative meaning that shuts you down or paralyzes you, consider plodding forward even in the face of adversity. That is a skill and talent that successful people have. It’s a decision to be strong instead of weak. Sometimes itâ€s called a “thick skin.” But really itâ€s an ability to know who you are in spite of what meaning could be drawn from the feedback youâ€re getting.

Know you can do it. Then do it.

Thatâ€s unfair!

If you focus on the unfairness of life it will impact you negatively. People may tell you that you deserve better than youâ€re getting and it will feed into this inclination. Yes, completely unfair things will occur.

Sometimes you’ll get better than you deserve, but you’re not as likely to let that weigh on your psyche. It’s often that we’re granted an opportunity that would have better suited someone else or that people are extra gracious to us. We often get these bits of grace and gifts but they don’t make nearly as great an impression as the pain of unfairness. It’s important that we collect these thoughts and impressions in order to keep our perspective about the circumstances when fairness swings the other direction.

“Who ever said life was going to be fair?” Deep down, we expect it to be. We expect things like “karma” or a divine fairness to be real no matter how much evidence we see around us that itâ€s not operating in our life or the lives of others. Focusing on unfairness doesnâ€t wave a magic wand and make it all fair again. Lamenting it, shutting down and focusing on the negative doesnâ€t change anything.

Let it go. Move on. Do everything you can to create the world you want to live in – the one where you and others thrive – and donâ€t worry about the rest. What can you do to counter how you were treated unfairly? Is it a matter of standing up for yourself when it’s appropriate? Is it a matter of letting it go and moving on to a more positive endeavor? Is there a lesson to learn and new information to take without you, allowing you to make better decisions?

Life will become more fair if you spend less time worrying about what everyone else is doing and getting and pay more attention to your focus on your life and goal. Whenever we’re assessing fairness, we’re comparing. Perhaps it’s in our best interest to let go of the comparisons.

Finding the balance

Figuring out what everything means from every possible perspective can be exhausting. Some of us do too much of it. We fret about and analyze every situation we encounter. And some of us donâ€t do enough of it. We keep plodding through life and repeating our mistakes and bumping into the same situations because we donâ€t learn the lesson the first time.

Find the middle ground. You’ll know it because it doesn’t keep you up at night dwelling on the negative, but the amount of introspection you’ve applied provides you with some new insight and growth to take with you on the rest of your journey.

How have meanings shifted over the course of your life?

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Whatever happens in life, keep moving as much as possible.

A friend of a friend of a friend came up with a Mind/Body/Spirit challenge – every day that you can do something from each of these three areas is a good day. I thought it was a great idea for bringing life into balance.

An hour learning

• Reading about an area of interest
• Learning a new skill
• Practicing a new talent

An hour doing something physical

• Traditional exercise at a gym
• Training for an event (marathon, 10k) with a group or on your own
• Walking
• Yoga
• Sports, Hiking or any other social and physical activity
• Gardening or housecleaning (if you’re getting really physical with it, or working up to more physical activity)

An hour doing something spiritual (whatever “spiritual” means to you)

• Meditation/Prayer
• Reading something that feeds the spirit
• Service to others
• Spending time in nature

And I’ll add as a alternative/bonus to feeding the spirit:

An hour creating

• Writing
• Painting, drawing
• Playing music
• Home arts (decorating, sewing, crafting, gardening)

Because it’s not always possible to carve out 3-4 hours in a day when you already have work, family and the standard obligations like grocery shopping, cooking and laundry, let’s start with making it a habit to do at least one of these focused hours every day. Pick the hardest one for you first, so it doesn’t get neglected. Then do a different hour’s activity each following day. After a couple of weeks, double up. When you can, triple up. It helps to fit them in by incorporating family and social activities and chores with these goals in mind.

I’m going to start this focused practice and I’ll let you know how it goes. As with everything else on this site, I wish I started it sooner. Will you start too? Or are you already doing this?

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If the Buddha Dated, If the Buddha Got Stuck and If the Buddha Got Married provide more wisdom and apply to a broader swath of life than their limited names imply. It was my first introduction to Buddhist philosophy and it’s very easy to grasp through these compact and practical books. You’ll want to read these slowly and digest them fully. Even if you’re not dating or stuck or married there’s keen insight and practical applications in almost every paragraph.
		The same goes for The Right to Write. Though the book is definitely about writing, it’s about a whole lot more – keeping life in balance and discovery through the practice of writing. It’s written in essay style, in easily digested chunks often with practical exercises at the end of each one.
		A New Earth requires a little more attention to fully absorb, but once you “get it,” it changes you at your core. The awareness of the workings of ego will change the way you see everything.
		Speaking of what’s at your core, The People Code (formerly called The Color Code and links to the personality test on the website of the same name) identifies four basic personality types. Though I’m not one to categorize people into boxes that often don’t fit, this is some quick, useful information to help you understand different personalities and interact with others more productively.
		The Four-Hour Workweek is just plain inspirational – pushing you to live a different kind of life you may never have imagined. It recommends a radical shift and even if you don’t implement it fully you will definitely pick up a new perspective on work and life. Your priorities will shift.
		The Four Agreements gives you a very simple set of rules for living ethically and morally. Be Impeccable With Your Words, Don’t Take Anything Personally, Don’t Make Assumptions, Always Do Your Best. Fantastic structure for a well-lived life and plenty of ways to make it happen.

What reading list inspires you?

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So your relationship just ended, and you weren’t the one that wanted it to end. What now? How do you sort out the emotions? How do you want to get out of bed? How do you figure out what just happened?

How do you get over it? Or past it? Or through it?

Here’s a few things that helped me get through the emotional turmoil that seems to come in the wake of many relationships.

First, “Let Go.”

I put these two “magnetic poetry” words together on my refrigerator several years ago and they remain there today. “Let go” has become a powerful statement in my life and can apply to a myriad of situations. Being willing to let go of things, especially when thereâ€s no other choice, is a crucial skill. It will help you cope with loss, live with the things you cannot change, find a more compassionate heart when your first instinct is to be hurt or angry and you will have a smoother path toward accepting “what is.”

Because there is no other reality than “what is.” You may as well work toward accepting that.

This is not easily said or done. It’s very likely your emotions are still attached to the person you love(d). And you’ve just discovered that their emotions are not similarly attached to you. That’s painful. It’s not something you can absorb in a moment and be “okay” with it. Yes, it’s “what is” but it’s not what you wanted it to be. And that’s where the pain comes in. You are still wishing for something else and though it’s obvious at this point that’s not going to happen, sometimes our emotions are a large ship and need to be steered slowly and over a distance.

Moving toward accepting “what is” will begin to move you in the right direction.

Itâ€s hardest to “let go” when you are unsure whether itâ€s the right thing to do if youâ€re the one making that choice. Hereâ€s a few ways I’ve found to help figure that out:

Take responsibility for the problems you caused.

Write a letter in which you set aside any volatile or negative emotions that led to the relationshipâ€s demise, dig into your core and acknowledge the things you could have done better and the mistakes you made. Be objective – how would another person see your behavior? How does it feel to be on the receiving end of your actions? Consider the unique perspective of the person you know, not just your own.

Iâ€ve written this kind of letter when many significant relationships ended and never regretted it. Itâ€s important to write without an outcome in mind – you are not trying to repair or get this relationship back. You are simply acknowledging your own responsibility which will help you feel better later because that is a key part of your own personal growth. Relationships are always an opportunity to grow. Grab that growth wherever you can.

Itâ€s best to take responsibility by expressing it to the other party when itâ€s possible and safe to do so. If thereâ€s no way to send the letter, then it remains an “unsent letter” (more about those later) and is solely an exercise for your emotional growth.

Donâ€t bear responsibility for issues that werenâ€t your doing.

If the blame game is going on and someone else wants to make their problems yours, itâ€s possible thereâ€s a lack of maturity or perspective on the other side. Defensiveness usually comes into play after a loss and can make the things that went on difficult to sort out. Even the little things that happened seem to carry more meaning. Listen to complaints, assess for validity (so you can be honest with yourself and grow) but donâ€t soak up the grievances that you didnâ€t contribute to. Pay attention to whether or not youâ€re being intimidated or manipulated into believing you are less than you are.

It doesnâ€t matter if they learn to take responsibility for the things that are theirs – thatâ€s their life to figure out. Itâ€s not your job to convince them of all their wrongdoing. You donâ€t have to argue or persuade. Whatâ€s most important is listening for anything thatâ€s a valid point for your own growth and “let go” of the rest. You canâ€t always fix the perception of others. Attempting to be understood is only productive to a point.

Donâ€t forget what didn’t work because youâ€re missing what did.

Write down the things that werenâ€t working. This is a list for you, unless you find yourself in a discussion where there is sincere interest on the other side to hear your perspective on things. (There usually isnâ€t.) Objectivity is one of the first things to fly out the window post-breakup. It may come back after enough time has passed or it may not. Sometimes people develop complex blaming coping mechanisms to separate from the emotional consequences when things end. Donâ€t try to break through that, itâ€s likely a fruitless endeavor.

Even if the breakup was a big surprise and was completely him leaving you – there are things in that action that are signs of what didnâ€t work for you. Remember those events and differences by cataloguing them. Donâ€t let the gaps in your present dance card and missing emotional connection tempt you to only remember the positive that used to fill those gaps. There was other stuff in there too.

Donâ€t forget what did work because youâ€re angry or hurt.

Keep perspective. There were reasons why you were together and if you havenâ€t had the time, opportunity or been able to express them thus far, thatâ€s another thing to put in your letter. Telling people what they do well and what you appreciate about them is a way of creating a better world and encouraging better behavior and treatment. Sometimes we donâ€t think to tell people the things we appreciate about them. Watch those around you and you’ll notice many people do this more easily than others. Donâ€t be withholding of such a positive, impactful action in this world, no matter what you feel youâ€re not getting in return. Itâ€s a way of honoring the time we spent with people, the contribution they made to our lives and doing so keeps us grounded in truth. Itâ€s a much better approach than only running the bad feelings and experiences through our heads in order to create emotional distance from the pain of the breakup. Acknowledging the positive keeps us in reality.

Donâ€t try to put Humpty Dumpty back together again.

Donâ€t let your letter writing about what was good and where you can take responsibility tempt you back into a situation that doesnâ€t work. Pay attention to the balance between what works and what doesnâ€t. Know how you weigh the importance of those things. If you need to get analytical to sort it out, make a spreadsheet, rating the goodness/badness of each factor, and multiply that by a ranking that determines how important to you each of these issues is. If you’re still coming out with a positive number, add in the fact that this person no longer wants to be with you. That should be a deal-breaker, yes?

Does it really merit a second chance?

If you determine itâ€s all (or most of) your responsibility, or that you really overreacted, perhaps itâ€s worth trying to mend bridges. Make sure youâ€re doing this rationally, based on a thorough analysis of taking and giving responsibility, paying attention to core values differences that have (or havenâ€t) shown growth or change, understanding the potential (or lack thereof) of necessary changes occurring.

Be cognizant that many people rush back into what they just left when experiencing the discomfort of the emotional aftermath. When we lose someone that mattered to us, we’re going to feel that loss. It’s worth weathering the emotional storm to be sure you’re in the right relationship, rather than staying in this relationship just because it seems more comfortable than all this sudden change. Change can be exciting, but it can also be frightening.

Keep your wits about you. Do you want it back mostly because it’s familiar and the unknown is just so…unknown? Is there another way of looking at the uncertain future without trepidation? Of course there is. We need to identify the things that we’re fearing, see if there’s any validity in it and march forward when our fears are unfounded.

Assigning meaning.

What if you’ve lost a relationship for this exact reason before? What if it’s all your fault? What if you can’t stop beating yourself up for it?

What if you’re really really bad/horrible/stupid/lazy/wrong and ever other negative thing your partner or your own brain is telling you?

It’s time to know that acknowledging this will benefit you in the future, even though you wish you made some changes earlier and you’re feeling the crushing weight of regret in all its forms. Learn the lesson now. Use whatever pain you’re feeling to engrain it in you. And then start doing something about it. If it requires some therapy to sort out emotional issues or behavioral patterns, get some. And be honest. If you need to change some habits, get some help doing it. (Zenhabits.net and 6changes.com are great places to start for that.)

I know that in the past, the changes I needed to make were harder to accomplish when I was dumped over those things. What difference does it make if I change now? It was as if I was invalidating all of my own feelings about being left if I suddenly capitulated to all these necessary changes. It’s as if I was saying he was right and I was wrong and it seemed like I couldn’t heap any more of that on myself right then.

So I might as well just wallow in all of it, right? How productive! How unlikely to produce better attitudes, feelings of progress and empowerment!

Instead I let paralyzation set in – if I made that change now it doesn’t change anything – after all I just lost everything that mattered.

Having said that – try not to give this situation more meaning than it deserves. When you’ll look back on this moment in the future, you’ll know it was a fantastic moment for you to learn and grow, even if it’s coming “too late” and you lost something that was important to you in the process. You will get something important to you that you probably couldn’t get any other way. Embrace that thought as soon as you can.

Give it time.

No, really.

Yes, itâ€s a very old cliché to say that time heals everything. Itâ€s usually not very comforting to hear it from others when youâ€re hurting. It doesnâ€t solve the problem right now.

Remember you already have evidence in your own life that time alters the impact of just about everything, even when youâ€re very young. Think back to an experience that felt unbearable when you were going through it. Now check your emotional response to the memory of that event years later. The feelings are different. Now look at your present emotional state and recognize where youâ€ll be after enough time has passed and enough of the emotional landscape has been traversed. It can still feel unbearable at the moment, but youâ€ll be able to formulate some hope that the emotional intensity will fade. The insight will come.

This evidence builds over the course of our lives, and thatâ€s partly what gives us more and more perspective to weather things that felt like the end of the world when we were younger. Even when it seems like youâ€ll feel this level of intensity forever, you wonâ€t. Even if you want to cultivate this grief and maintain it in its present form to honor the impact of this relationship, it will change.

You will feel it all now and riding the waves of emotion may be painful. Find a friend to talk to, or to distract you from the amount of emotion youâ€re navigating. Stay productive in your own life by doing something youâ€ve been meaning to do, but were putting off. Do something – anything – no matter how small it is. It wonâ€t contain the joy and sense of accomplishment that youâ€d have in a more hopeful time, but it will set you on the path to getting to the more hopeful time.

Dealing with unanswered questions.

The more your partner doesn’t want to talk about the reasons your relationship ended, the more questions you’ll have. The more dishonest your partner was, the more unanswered questions and self-doubt you may deal with in the aftermath.  This may occur whether you can prove his dishonesty or not – itâ€s just the lingering effect of dealing with someone who wasnâ€t open and real with us.

When someone tells us our relationship isnâ€t working for them or that theyâ€re unhappy with our compatibility we get to manage our emotional attachment. Weâ€re dishonest with ourselves if we ignore what someone is telling us. But if they donâ€t tell us theyâ€re flirting with other people to manage their own lack of satisfaction with the relationship theyâ€re in, weâ€re caught out of the blue when they run off with someone else.

Dishonesty will likely cause a lot stronger lingering emotions and attachment as your heart and mind try to sort out how to feel. One moment you were allowed to feel for them deeply and the next theyâ€re gone. A person that occupied a lot of time, activities, intimacy, connections and friendship in your life is going to leave a gap in all of those areas. That canâ€t be avoided. You can fill this gap with other things and it may not go very far in tricking yourself to believe the gap is filled. If you didnâ€t want the relationship to end, youâ€re not likely to be satisfied with these gap-filling substitutions at first. But eventually youâ€ll find things that occupy your mind, social calendar, time and interests. Eventually youâ€ll find yourself and the pieces you lost by involving yourself with someone that didnâ€t respect you with complete honesty.

As youâ€re still suffering with residual emotional pain, write about your emotions as a way of releasing them from your body. Once something is written down, it can function as a way of “letting go.” We put it down “on paper” as a way of getting it out of our head. Share it with a friend you trust who can help you get to the other side of your emotional journey by offering you a perspective outside your own. Write “unsent letters” to your ex as a way of expressing and finding the things that are lingering and causing you pain. Reading these back later will sound dramatic and ridiculous, but donâ€t worry about that now. You are in pain and you need to clean the wound.

Face starting over again.

From The Between Boyfriends Book:

Relationship Equivalency Exam: A test that would allow you to earn credit for past dating experiences so you could pick up a new relationship where the old one left off. There’s nothing worse than almost marrying someone, breaking it off, and having to start over with a blind date. It’s like failing your senior year of high school and having to go back to kindergarten.

Seventeen Dates: After a break up, the approximate number of bad dates you have to endure before you have a good one.

You may end up feeling this way – like starting over is the worst thing in the world. But itâ€s not. You will have better and better relationships as you go through life because youâ€re learning and adapting more and more. Itâ€s just a matter of sorting out the current emotions that have no object to focus on and preparing them for what will come in the future.

Sometimes a relationship will end in very poor form. Heâ€ll do some things in a hurtful way and heâ€ll feel bad about it, which will sometimes cause him to do more hurtful things. Recognize this likely pattern and donâ€t take it all to heart.

Find a new way of feeling.

If the time right after a breakup always leaves you feeling down because you donâ€t feel like dating anyone else (ever again!?), go out on a date this time (be honest about your emotional state, so you’re not unnecessarily hurting someone else). If you usually do the opposite – you donâ€t allow yourself to feel the sad or negative feelings of a breakup by rushing into a new thing – this time wait and feel. If you become paralyzed and distracted from your goals, focus and do things toward meeting them no matter how unnerved you feel. Donâ€t rush toward an unnatural happiness to avoid sadness and donâ€t dwell in sadness to the exclusion of being grateful for all the things you still have. Reconnect with others, fill your time and treat yourself kindly.

Write down how any of this worked for you. This will be your record for the next time you go through heartache. Every time will be an opportunity to change and challenge yourself to grow.

Now, you.

What advice do you give yourself to get through a good or a bad breakup in the best possible way?

Watch the whole movie in a youtube playlist

This movie shows the complexity in relationships in a profound way. It describes a family dynamic that I understood well – loving and bonded – but with their own small underlying problems that are invisible to anyone but them. It’s rare that these problems surface, but under stress and extraordinary circumstances, they come to light and must finally be dealt with.

For me, the key moments of this fantastic movie come in Part 10, at 2:11. Kate (Meryl Streep) calls Ellen (Renee Zellweger) into the bedroom for a speech about how families relate even through the hard moments and what we all see ever so clearly in each other while we wish for the best for one another. Which is how it is with those we love. At the end of her advice to her daughter she says:

It’s so much easier to choose to love the things that you have. And you have so much. Instead of always yearning for what you’re missing or what you imagine you’re missing. It’s so much more peaceful.

And from this was born a mantra: Love what you have.

What is your favorite movie moment?

If you have time to whine and complain about something then you have the time to do something about it.

–Anthony J. D’Angelo, The College Blue Book

There are times in your life where you may feel itâ€s necessary to complain to others or just in your own head about things that are happening or have happened to you. Complaining has a tendency to keep you a victim of that circumstance, over and over again, every time you tell the story (even in your own head). So often, life will move on around you and you will stay emotionally stuck in situations (that could already be in the distant past) just by continuing to complain about them. Complaining keeps you stuck in the past with those negative circumstances.

Occasionally I worked for people who were difficult to get along with. There were times when a boss said things that were hostile, non-sensical and definitely not constructive. I suffered a great deal of consequences because of these problems including not being able to complete projects because progress was derailed and we were sent back to the beginning again. I missed out on promised and expected raises when it was decided at the last moment that I didnâ€t deserve them. And this all occurred because of  perceptions that weren’t based in reality that could have been resolved easily had I been asked about it. The frustrating part of the situation is I felt pretty powerless to do anything about it. The problems and difficulties we had probably amounted to a difference in personalities and rubbing each other the wrong way. Thatâ€s gonna happen when weâ€re interacting with the myriad of other personalities out there.

Every time I complained about this situation, either in my own head or to a friend, I was spending time basking in the negative emotions of the problem rather than fixing it. “Woe is me!” When we do this we run the risk that we are looking for attention as a victim.

Thereâ€s a difference between complaining about a situation and looking carefully at your prior circumstances to learn as much as possible. Ask yourself what is your motivation in complaining about the problem – are you describing the situation and looking for solutions to your problem or are you wallowing in it and looking for sympathy as a victim?

Pet Peeves

Maintaining a list of pet peeves is another way of complaining. How other people drive, how the cashier treated you at the grocery store, how a friend interrupts you, people using certain words and even people complaining can be on such a list. Every time you encounter a repeated incident thatâ€s on your list of pet peeves, you will experience a greater and greater reaction than you would had this been the first time it had ever happened to you. By noticing this negative more fully, you give it more negative power.

Pets are things we nurture and love and itâ€s no coincidence the phrase contains that word. If weâ€re nurturing and loving the negative aspects of our day, weâ€re giving these events more power than they are due.

A Complaining Culture

Thereâ€s a trend these days for mass social complaining via updates on social networks. Complaints are constantly swirling all around us. There are complaints about the service at the coffee place, every aspect of a movie, car repairs, that crazy driver going too slow, that insane driver going to fast, celebrities, people who don’t look the way others think they should, people who don’t believe the same way and people who don’t vote the same way.

We donâ€t have to adopt or absorb the negative sentiments of others as our own.

The temptation to elevate our own importance in the world by complaining about things in order to find others who may agree creates odd social connections. Yes, we both agree that the movie sucked and itâ€s lame when my coffee is cold. So what? Andy Rooney keeps making a living complaining. And how joyous is that to listen to? How does it inspire you to do bigger, greater and more impactful things?

Break the Bond

Reverend Will Bowen of Christ Church Unity challenged his congregation (and others) to go 21 days without complaining. During the challenge, each time you complain you move a reminder bracelet from one wrist to the other – and you must begin at zero – counting your complaint-free days again. He said it took him three and a half months to string 21 complaint-free days together, and that it has taken others up to seven months. Those who get through it can turn in their bracelets in exchange for “certificates of happiness” issued during church services.

Source: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/17362505/

Making an attempt to avoid complaining makes us aware of the role complaining plays in our life, which makes this a worthwhile exercise.

Today begin to string together your 21 complaint-free days. And look for ways to “turn off” the complaining around you. Filter friends that tend to complain away from your eyes. Ask friends in the middle of a complaint what you can do to help fix their situation. Letâ€s get to work solving our problems rather than swimming around in them endlessly.

Effective complaining: The 9 Habits of Highly Effective Complainers

It’s not easy when you find a person that just fits. The rarity of that, your geeky interests, your quirky personalities, your shared love of that quirky film that no one has ever heard of, your passion for a niche music genre and of course there’s your ability to inspire the best in each other. But then it doesn’t appear to be working out anyway. Usually that means “let go.”

In spite of all that, I like this sweet bit of patience Michael expressed while not remaining insistent that his expectation be met.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JZln1T-lQco

(A Mantra)

I approach life with open hands.

I am ready for whatever may be placed into them.

I can not grasp or hold the things that are placed there.

I will be grateful while these things are in my care.

I will not miss the pieces of life that never find their way into my hands.

I will not expect precious things to remain in my hands.

I will allow even the things I have longed, wished and hoped for to leave my hands.

I will let go of expectation.

More can fit into my open hand than my clenched fist.

The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances; if there is any reaction, both are transformed.

–Carl Jung

Knowing and being known to others provides opportunity to grow. The more we rub up against different types of people, the better. We bump against those who are the same as us, with all our strengths and faults reflected like a mirror. We bump against those who are very different from us, with all their strengths filling our gaps and providing inspiration and their faults act as warning signs and gratitude for what we donâ€t have to contend with in our own lives.

Each time we bump against another we have the chance to have some of our rough edges knocked off. We get polished. We shine a little brighter.

So itâ€s worth this dance we do. Itâ€s not always comfortable. Sometimes weâ€re pushed beyond our limits. Sometimes we push others beyond theirs. There are sometimes arguments and fights, celebrations and growth. In everything we can look to learn, look to have an edge refined, look to see a perspective different from our own. Some people bring out our best and some, our worst. Itâ€s just as important to see what we have inside us thatâ€s not pretty or kind or good as it is to celebrate what is best in us.

Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved.

–Helen Keller (1880 – 1968)

So life didnâ€t turn out as planned. I can think of so few people for whom it does.

I think of life as having 3 pistons: Love, Work and Family. If all three pistons are firing, it feels like a smooth running engine. If all three balls are successfully in the air, it’s more than likely I feel completely fulfilled and elated (and rare). Iâ€ve always said that even if only two of the three are working well, happiness and contentment abound. When itâ€s just one, itâ€s more of a challenge, but happiness is still always a choice. When none of these areas are working properly, itâ€s time to figure out why.

Love

I had a marriage, but it wasnâ€t a marriage anyone would define as such. Beyond that, love hasnâ€t always been kind but when it was (and even when it wasnâ€t) the endeavor of loving others has provided great insight and emotional growth. Sometimes I let circumstances or others discourage me. I wish I’d have allowed less of that. I wish I would have taken healthy emotional breaks, recharged, and quickly got back in the stream of life with new insight to apply.

Keep going. Or as Nike says “Just do it.” In one of the most brilliant advertising slogans ever, the idea is present to maintain in spite of the hurdles, to ignore obstacles, to get past hinderances. If we tell ourselves to keep going or “just do it” standing in front of an obstacle, we’d get further.

Work

Career was both more and less successful than I thought it would be. I spent many years doing things Iâ€m passionate about. I create and generate ideas, both professionally and personally. I mentor. When I wrote in a 2nd grade paper that I wanted to be an artist and a teacher when I grew up, I was right. I am greatly fulfilled by both of those endeavors. Career fell into my lap by some assessments, but it was also something I saw in the future, wanted and achieved. So was it a plan? Not if plans required the confidence that youâ€d one day achieve them. I limited my ambitions in so many ways, I wonder where I might have ended up if I had envisioned more for myself. Career didnâ€t stay on a path of continuous path to greater and greater success. There are things to learn from that, both in humility and persistence.

Family

I didnâ€t get to raise my own family like I hoped I would. Conversely, some people end up with family they didnâ€t plan for. Iâ€ll never know what itâ€s like to be a mom unless I adopt or foster parent (likely as a single parent). Thatâ€s still an option.

The bonds and benefits from immediate family (siblings, nephews, parents, grandparents) surpassed and continues to exceed what is meted out to most others. Even though none of us is perfect, we work together with a kind of realistic perfection, with support and generosity that is rare to find.

The journey is the destination

The advice Iâ€d like to send is not “how to get here.” Itâ€s “how to arrive wherever you will arrive, and do it with all the growth and learning that you can possibly gather from every situation you find yourself in.” I want you, my former self, to come to peace faster, to complete as much emotional growth as possible as early as possible, to navigate through a world that can be hostile or full of joy with less discouragement and greater ability to build upon the positive.

Yes, thatâ€s it: less discouragement, more building. Thatâ€s the goal.

Have you ever noticed those people that don’t even seem to hear negative feedback? They keep moving ahead as if no one has ever criticized or discouraged them. I don’t want to completely ignore feedback, but I want it to have less meaning. Absorb the input, use the bits of it that can assess any necessary change in direction but keep moving.

Now, you.

What were your plans and expectations and how did it turn out?

What motivates you?

We always think we know best until we are shown otherwise.

—Myself

I always want to believe that major life changes were “my idea.” Itâ€s either the last vestiges of pride or just that I want to jump off my own cliffs and begin my own adventures. It’s that darn independent spirit. I want to believe that insight I act on is not just because someone else said so, it was something I believed in. Something I discovered.

Even if someone else discovered it first.

That said, the circumstances, experiences and advice from others has keenly shaped my life and perspective. It’s their wisdom and their influence that provided me with growth (and growing pains).

So many people I know are hesitant to give their opinions on personal matters because they feel no one wants to hear advice. Fewer still take advice from others. So why am I bothering to fill a site with what amounts to advice – to a person who no longer exists – my former self? Because Iâ€d like to give anyone else who reads an advantage I didn’t have – the benefit of my experience and a greater chance at getting ahead of hurdles and hinderances. I figured Iâ€d write about what I’ve absorbed and just might learn something about myself in the process – accelerating my own growth.

Just as learning a principle in math isn’t useful until we know the practical application, I spent a great deal of my life hearing phrases like “don’t be a victim” without knowing how to apply it to my own life. Concepts like insecurity, baggage and drama were mostly ideas. And they were always easier to recognize in others than in myself. Understanding how these things developed and how to avoid them wasn’t immediately apparent. Practical definitions and real life experiences brought these principles to light for me – but I also had to live through them. It would’ve been great if these things were illustrated for me at an earlier age. Not so I could avoid the pitfalls and potholes of life – some of that is unavoidable. But so I had greater understanding, absorbed more growth and learning from every situation, repeated patterns less – or not at all.

When we approach life with the wisdom that usually only comes with age, our perspective is more peaceful and knowing. We approach situations differently. Outcomes are are more in line with what we need and want. And, consequently, we need and want different things.