If we all work together, we can beat this reality thing!

Jogging Is Not Sexy

2012-05-24T19:05:00.001-04:00

Couch to 5k, ever heard of it? It's a training program to get up to running a 5k in 9 weeks. More info: Couch to 5k.

In the first week, the 90 second runs seem hard as hell. Now I'm on week 4, and the 3 minute runs are doable, but the 5 minute runs are kicking my ass. At the end of week 5, I'm supposed to be able to run for 20 minutes straight. I'm skeptical.

Sometimes I run on the south side of the B-Line Trail, the Switchyard area. The past couple times I've gone there, on the last leg of my run, I've had several people, all different, cheer me on.

Is it because I'm on the southernmost part of the trail? Do they think I've run the whole length? Sorry people, I'm not that good. (Yet?)

Is it because I'm so good looking? Hahahaha! Hell no! That's debatable on a good day. When almost done with the run, anyone looks like hell. I'm dripping sweat, my cheeks are bright red, and my wet hair that's come out of the ponytail is hanging down in my face. My running pants cling to my thighs, and my oversized t-shirt is soaked with sweat. I don't think even the creeps are flirting with me at that point.

Maybe it's pity. This overweight girl obviously struggling to finish a run could use a little encouragement. And I must admit, the, "You go girl!" and, "You can do it!" comments do help.

Probably it's the hot pink mirrored sunglasses. They just make me look that cool.

No, I know what it is. It's the Lurch for the Cure shirt I often wear while running. Bloomington is just that zombie friendly of a town. At least, that's what I want to think.

Brains for the Zombie Soul in Z Magazine!!

2012-04-25T14:44:00.000-04:00

Z Magazine is kind of like Vogue for zombies. It's a magazine written for zombies by zombies, and features zombie-related fashion, entertainment, and current events.

You can imagine my elation when they offered to review Brains for the Zombie Soul! I can't think of a better match for my book than Z Magazine.

So be sure to pick up a copy (or two) of the Spring 2012 edition of Z Magazine and find the glowing review of Brains for the Zombie Soul, plus a full page ad!

http://www.etsy.com/listing/98269671/z-magazine-the-first-magazine-written-by?ref=&sref=

No matter your age, sometimes you just feel old.

2012-04-03T20:43:00.001-04:00

Today's been a hell of a day.

First, my car was in the shop. In Bloomington, that's not too big of a deal since work and downtown are within walking distance.

I'm from Osceola which is this poor little town between South Bend and Elkhart. Without a car in Osceola, you're pretty much stuck there. The only forms of entertainment are bars, and I moved away before I was of age.

So any time I have to rely on other people for transportation, a bit of depression sets in.

I was supposed to get my car back by the end of the day yesterday, but it took a bit longer than they thought. Which again, is typically fine, but I had a doctor's appointment at 9:30. It was no big deal, a coworker gave me a ride, but it still is emotionally taxing for me.

And then there was the doctor's appointment. It's just my annual exam, but I haven't been for years. The appointment went well, but I do need to go in for some blood work to check thyroid, blood sugar, and cholesterol levels.

I'm afraid that not all of these are going to come back okay. My worst fear of the three is having diabetes. It runs in my family on both sides, I hate taking any sort of medicine on a daily basis, and my diet is restricted enough already.

My next fear is having high cholesterol, again because of the diet. My mom has high cholesterol, so it is a valid worry.

After the doctor's appointment, then I had to pick up my car. And pay the bill. Ow.

To top it all off, after pulling out 3 gray hairs on Saturday, when I got home today, I found 3 more.

Most of the time, I say that I'm no where near old. But some days just kick my butt.

Dreams of The Small fighting back against The Big

2012-03-30T13:00:00.000-04:00

I had a dream last night that I just have to get down, because it might make a good book someday. It's also one of those dreams where I felt like I was really there, and I can't get it out of my head.

I was shrunk down, and thrown into a culture of tiny people. (Kind of like modern Lilliputians.) They were governed by giants (to them), but the giants weren't humans. This was in some sort of parallel universe.

The giants would randomly attack the little people's towns. (I kind of hate calling them giants, because I didn't think of them that way in the dream. Compared to my normal size, they were possibly smaller than me.) I was sent to help save them. There was this necklace, that looked a lot like one of Braino's with clear aqua beads and blue milk beads, that had something to do with my transformation or my being there. The leader, either of the army or of the giants' government, was a youngish bald guy, mildly attractive but also pretty much evil.

When I went into their world, I was transported into a tiny town by the sea that had already been mostly demolished. The leader of the giants knew that I was there, so he launched a new attack on the town just to find me.

I hid with a family and a couple friends in one of the few houses that remained standing. The front had been damaged, and the inside was filled with debris, but it was mostly intact. We heard this sound, and they instinctively ran out of the house. It was this truck that was a cross between a tank, a huge roller truck, and The Cleaners from Labyrinth. Since I didn't know what the sound was, I hadn't reacted quick enough and didn't think I had enough time to get out of the house. So I hid underneath some debris that I thought would protect me.

It worked. The truck demolished the house, and all the remaining houses, but I was able to escape to the beach.

This is the part I remember the most vividly. The beach was in this cove, surrounded by jagged cliff walls on either side. The sand on the beach was all churned up, almost like the waves themselves. The sky was dark, like on days where it's windy and threatens to storm, but rain never falls, lightning is never produced, and thunder isn't heard. There were waves in the water that were plentiful yet small, and very fierce. The whole thing was very foreboding.

After we thought the danger had gone, we went back to the edge of town and the demolished house. The house sat on the edge of the beach. My necklace broke, and the beads scattered all over the place. Another image that is trapped in my mind from this dream is a blue milk glass bead sparkling in the sand. When I saw that, I knew there was something magical about the necklace.

I picked up a hand mirror from the wreckage (it wasn't broken one bit), and my reflection turned into that of the leader's. Even before I woke up, I thought, "That was a nice twist. I didn't see that coming."

Brains for the Zombie Soul - Purchasing Information

2012-03-09T12:30:00.000-05:00

The official release date for Brains for the Zombie Soul is March 26, 2012.

Since the most frequent response I get is, "I want a signed copy!" here's how you can get one.

Come see me at HorrorHound Weekend
The first 100 copies are for exclusive sale at HorrorHound Weekend, March 23rd through 25th at the Crowne Plaza Columbus North in Ohio. Tickets are $18 per day or $30 for the whole weekend. I'll have a vendor table and be signing copies. Look for me with Liquid Braino Creations, right next to The Zombie Rights Campaign. The books will be $11 each including tax.

Come up to me and demand an autographed copy
If I have books left over from HorrorHound Weekend, those will be available to purchase from me in person as soon as I get home from HorrorHound. If not, I'll order more, and they'll take a week or two to get in and you can buy them from me then. They'll also be $11 each including tax.

Order an autographed copy here
If seeing me in person isn't an option, you can click on the button below to order a copy. The $15.58 cost includes an autographed book shipped by Priority Mail. If you're in Indiana, there will be tax on top of that. When you order, let me know if you would like the book personalized. If I don't hear different, I'll send you a book with an autograph only. Depending on my stock, it could take up to 3 weeks to receive your book (if I'm out of books, it takes about 2 weeks for me to get in more, and then 2-3 days shipping by Priority Mail to get to you).
Send me a check for an autographed copy
The same specs as above, but add time for the check to get to me and cleared. It's $15.58 for books shipping out of state, $16.67 with tax for books shipping to Indiana. If you don't have it, contact me for my address.

Order a not-signed copy
Finally, you can order a copy direct from CreateSpace (or Amazon, or Barnes & Noble, etc.). The base price is $10.28 each, plus shipping depending on the shipping method you choose, and tax where applicable. It'll be printed and shipped straight to you, so obviously, it won't be autographed. You can still give it to me to be signed, but if you want it shipped back to you, include $5.30 for shipping. (To make it easier on me, everything is being shipped out Priority Mail.)

Update to 100 Red Flags

2012-03-07T13:00:00.000-05:00

I follow this blog called 100 Red Flags. They're working on a list of 100 things that makes a girl un-date-able. Considering I'm happily married, and I'm way past giving a crap about whether people like me because of the things I do or don't like, I consider it an achievement when I qualify for a red flag.

I started a master list, which I update every so often. Here's the latest update:

#93: She wears hoop earrings …

I own one pair of hoop earrings. They are in the shape of a heart, and I wore them for an 80's costume party. I don't think I even have a decent picture of them. So no red flag for this one.

#90: She went to an all-girls Catholic high school
Nope, I went to public school with plenty of boys. Mmm, boys. Ahem...

#76: She believes in long distance dating
I tried that once. It didn't work out. I think long distance dating would work best if it's an open relationship.

#44: She’s still on mySpace
I haven't checked mySpace in forever. In fact, I'm not sure if I even remember my password. I think I'll go try it...

#30:  She takes longer than 30 minutes to get ready
I take longer than that first thing in the morning, but that's not what the author is referring to here. Unless it's something I'm dressing up for, most of the time I don't even "get ready," I just grab my purse and go. Now, if I'm dressing up for it and it's on a weekend day where I've lounged around in my pjs all day, it might take a full half hour. So, this one would be a No.

#27:  She babysits
I haven't babysat since high school, and I hated it then. I take that as another sign that I shouldn't have kids.

#19:  She doesn’t give blowjobs
Have I said, "Mmm, boys..." yet? Yeah, no red flag here. That's already TMI, so I'll leave it at that.

#4: She’s an only child
I can answer no to this one, but my sibling status can get confusing. I was an only child when my parents divorced when I was 5. When my dad married a few years later, I got a stepbrother who was 4 years younger than me. At this point, my dad had taken a job 100 miles away, so I didn't get to see them that much, a few times a year. When I was 9, my dad and stepmom gave me a half sister, still 100 miles away. At the time, I still felt like an only child because I saw them so rarely. Then, when I was 11, my mom and stepdad had my sister. She's technically my half sister, but since we did grow up together, I just call her my sister, and I no longer felt like an only child.

A Cup of Serendipity

2012-03-06T13:00:00.000-05:00

Every Monday, I meet up with friends at Serendipity Martini Bar for half-priced martini night.

And every Monday, I sit at the bar and stare longingly at the rows of bottles of liquor on the shelves.

So, I have decided to start at one end of the bar and taste all the spirits I can. And I’ll post my reviews of each one at http://cupofserendipity.tumblr.com/

I thought about posting it here, but I decided to put it on another blog for two reasons:

First, the reviews would take over this blog.

Second, it's easier to post pictures to Tumblr than Blogger from my iPad.

So if you're interested in hearing my reviews on various types of alcohol, pop on over to http://cupofserendipity.tumblr.com/

The World Inside My Head

2012-02-29T13:00:00.000-05:00

I still have a hard time calling myself a writer. Sure, I've had a blog since (give me a moment to look...) 2005, and I've written four books, and I'm working on my second self-publishing experience, but I still feel like a hack. Most of the fellow writers I meet have been writing for pleasure since high school or earlier.

(Hm, "Writing for Pleasure..." I've totally gotta do something with that. Erotic story maybe? At any rate...)

In my mind, I don't count this blog as "real" writing. Hell, I don't edit it, and I can only imagine all the grammatical mistakes I've made over the years. I don't count any school assignments, and I can't remember any that were fiction anyway. I don't count the dozens (hundreds?) of love letters, most with multiple pages, written to boyfriends over the years. So really, the only thing I count is the novel writing I've done, limited mostly to Novembers. Still, I guess that's enough to claim that I'm a writer.

So, now that we've established that I really am a writer, most people expect that I have a whole other world inside my head.

But there's a difference. I have a World inside my head, and I have worlds inside my head. The worlds are what I write, and I have a ton of them. There's characters and ideas and stories and everything you'd expect inside a writer's brain.

There's also my World. It's private. I share it very little. Sure, I'll write about my dreams, but those aren't quite part of my World. I have fantasies, and I spend a lot of my time in my fantasy land.

Oh, you can't tell, and don't even try to look for it. When I lie in bed at night, I hear the seagulls and crashing of the ocean from my condo on the Gulf of Mexico and wonder if I'll be woken up in the early hours of the morning to help a turtle or some other sea life in distress. When I'm typing away at a blog post, it will be the one to get me noticed by Someone Important, which gives me a chance for just a little bit of fame, where I'll have a chance encounter with one of my favorite actors and we'll become great friends. When I'm standing in line to buy my lunch, I'm planning out how to fit in the flight to the movie set for my cameo on my screenplay while writing my next big novel in time to get it to my editor.

And these are the mundane ones. These are the most normal fantasies in my head, the ones that I'm willing to share.

Is it a mental illness? Maybe slightly, but not a problem because I know it's fantasy and don't let it interfere with my everyday life. But maybe someday I'll be old enough that I'm not as sharp as I once was, and maybe I'll have a hard time distinguishing the difference.

So when I ask you how you like the way the director is filming the adaptation of your novel, or if I can be your date to the Tony Awards, just indulge me, okay?

Identity (including pink sunglasses)

2012-02-27T11:00:00.000-05:00

When I went out with a friend the other night, we were talking about married couples and their friends. She found it unusual that my husband and I have different friends. It wasn't always that way, and it really got me to thinking about how I've changed over the years.

Leadership

For many years, I also didn't consider myself a leader. I always thought that I was the ideas person, that I liked coming up with solutions, not being the boss. Now I'm finding there are different types of leading. The type that I'm not good at is delegating tasks. If someone doesn't volunteer, I'll do it myself. Also, I tend to avoid conflict.

Looking back at the times where I think I've been considered the leader, I find two qualities that put me in that position. First, if there's something that needs done or said to someone, I'll do it. I've never really thought of this as leadership, and more like courage. It comes back to thinking I'm shy, so approaching people seems scary sometimes.

A Telling-Strangers-They're-Hot-Story

For example, my friends and I used to go to all the festivals in our area. Things like craft shows, outdoor concerts, and art fairs. At one, we all sat together and got a caricature done. Then we went to Kinkos and got copies made so we could all have one. While waiting for the copies, we were remarking on the attractiveness of the guy helping us. So I said that since we were all over there whispering about him that we should just tell him. Of course, no one had the guts to actually do it, so I said I'd tell him. When our copies were ready, we paid, and I said, "By the way, we think you're hot." We went giggling out of the store. But then, when we got to the car, I found that I had walked out without my copy. So, head held high, trying to keep the color in my cheeks a nice neutral skin tone, I went back in and got it. Stuff like that made everyone else consider me the leader in the group when I didn't think of it myself.

NaNoWriMo

A more obvious instance is my role as Bloomington's Municipal Liaison for National Novel Writing Month. When our ML had decided to step down due to having a particularly challenging final year in school (and I can't say I blame her), someone needed to step up to schedule write-ins and get-togethers. I felt like it was an important role that needed filled.

I work hard, I like to try new things, I want people to feel welcome around me, I want people to succeed, and I try to keep a positive attitude. I don't do any of this on purpose, which is why I don't think of it as leadership qualities. Where I think I fail at leadership is the networking side of things. I like to talk to people about things, where I think stereotypical good leaders are just good at talking to people in general.

Confidence

If I could name one way I've grown over the years, it's in gaining confidence. And I think I've recently found the secret.

I used to think that confidence was being proud of yourself without being arrogant. A can-do attitude. And it might be to a point.

But the type of confidence that I'm embracing, that I think is a life-changing point for me, is basically to say, "Fuck It." I've gone from caring what other people thought of me to caring more about what I think of myself.

This realization started years ago with a haircut. I needed a change, and cut my hair shorter than I ever had before. The stylist did a good job, and everyone loved it. Except me. I didn't feel like it represented who I thought I was.

The Pink Sunglasses

Another step was with an iconic pair of sunglasses. I usually wear black. I've tried to change to wearing more colors, but I always find myself coming back to black. I just feel more comfortable in black. At the same time, wearing all black, with black accessories, and black sunglasses, made me a bit of a wallflower. Then one time, when buying a new pair of sunglasses, instead of the neutral frame with dark tinted lenses, I fell in love with a pair of hot pink mirrored sunglasses. For once, in a bright color (and pink no less!, a girlie color that I usually avoided), I felt comfortable. It's like I finally found something that represented how I felt inside. I'm not a bright and flashy person, but I have it in me.

This pair of pink sunglasses represents my own confidence. Every once in a great while, I do leave them at home, usually when I want to be more dressed up than a pair of mirrored pink sunglasses allow me to be.

I've switched my frame of mind from, "I should," to, "I want."

Being a Responsible Hedonist

While still trying to be respectful and mature, I'm growing less and less concerned about how I "should" act for my age. I'll go play at the playground. I'll go to the arcade, play the silly games for tickets, use the tickets to get parachute soldiers, and then go try them out by dropping them from high places. I want to be playful and try new things, and not let the thought of, "Michelle isn't this," or "Michelle doesn't do stuff like that," get in my way.

Lately, I've wanted to learn how to surf. I've had a voice in the back of my head saying, "You're too fat. No one wants to see you in a swimsuit. And people will watch you surf, and fall off the board while you're learning." Well, you know what voice-in-my-head? Fuck it. As long as I have fun, who cares what I look like while doing it.

So, who in Indiana can teach me how to surf?

Brains for the Zombie Soul

2012-02-16T13:00:00.000-05:00

No matter how many brains you consume, it will never satisfy the soul.

The stories in Brains for the Zombie Soul are intended to stir passion into the reader. Here are stories of love, of anger, and of perseverance. Hopefully, they will inspire you to overcome the difficulties you face in everyday life, and
warm your heart, whether or not it still beats.

(Brains for the Zombie Soul is a parody and not affiliated with Chicken Soup for the Soul.)

Praise for Brains for the Zombie Soul:

"A brave and moving contribution to the most urgent civil rights movement of our time.”
- Karen A. Wyle, author of Twin Bred

“No zombie can live on brains alone. Inspiration is now on the menu.”
- Noah Williams, Esq., Zombie Rights Lawyer

“You can keep your chicken soup. I prefer brains with my souls.”
- Molly Beelzebub, Purveyor of Exotic Goods

About the Author:

Michelle Hartz is a living human currently residing in Bloomington, Indiana, with her living husband, two living cats, a living turtle, and two fish (animation state of the fish is unknown, they are thought to be differently animated). (In fact, sometimes we wonder about the turtle too.) (Now that I'm thinking of it, I don't know which lives the cats are on, they must have lost a couple of their nine lives in there somewhere.)

She spends her nights hanging around with zombies, monsters, vampires, ghosts, drag queens, martini drinkers, and worst of all, fellow writers. She gives up her life once a year to write a novel for National Novel Writing Month, and even attempts to lead and inspire other writers subjecting themselves to the same horror. Frightfully, her days are spent calling herself a graphic designer behind a desk in an office, dealing with CUSTOMERS! *shudder*

Also look for her previous novel, Helpless, a horror story set on a wind farm.

Some of My Favorite Books

2012-02-07T21:07:00.000-05:00

Today is Love a Book - Tell A Friend day, so I wanted to share some of my favorite books.

The books I probably recommend the most is the Vlad Taltos series by Steven Brust. Vlad is a human assassin living among elves. He has a cynical, sarcastic familiar named Loiosh, which is a small dragon that rides on his shoulder. Although not a comedy, it's the humor of the books that drew me in. As the books go along, they lead the reader through a very real journey of Vlad's life.

The book I have read the most throughout my life is The Vampire Lestat. I first read it in my early teens, or perhaps preteens, and it's what I think of when I mention vampires. I love the romance of it, but also the arrogance and vanity of Lestat.

I'd also life to give a shoutout to Karen A. Wyle's Twin Bred. Honestly, I haven't read it yet, but I've heard lots of good things. It's next on my to-read list, and I'm really looking forward to it.

A Boulder Through My Dreams

2012-02-02T07:07:00.000-05:00

I had another interesting dream last night. Don't get me wrong, I have lots of interesting dreams, but I can't always express them in words. And I have a lot of dreams that I don't think are worth a blog post. And sometimes, I just need to write something.

I was shopping at a two-story JC Penney with my friend Karen (author of Twin Bred, buy her book already). It was a typical shopping expedition, I bought some clothes, and drove home in my IRL ("In Real Life," I'll be using it a bit in this post) silver Pontiac Grand Am. I went to the apartments that I live in IRL and parked in the same parking lot, which has terrible parking.

I parked close to my second car in the dream, which was also a silver Pontiac Grand Am, just from another year. Before I could get my bags out of the trunk, I spotted a neighbor walking up towards me. This neighbor also happened to be a certain actor that I've dreamed about lots since I claimed I don't dream about celebrities. He lived in the first building, and I live in the 3rd. On Twitter, he had mentioned a children's book he wanted to write, but needed help with the design of the characters. I had mocked up a couple designs, and I thought that would be the perfect time to show them to him.

So I told him about it, and went to look in my other car for them. They were in the trunk, but mixed in with other stuff, so I was having a hard time finding them. I was afraid that I would lose his attention, and he would leave. I found the first sketch, which was very rudimentary and looked like a children's drawing. I could tell he wasn't impressed. So I kept looking until I found the complete design I did for another character, a Golem. I kept getting my cars mixed up and forgetting what car I had what items in.

Gid had started walking back to his apartment, and I raced to catch up with him. All of a sudden, we found we were ankle deep in water that was flooding the second building. We went up to the office to tell them when Amy Makice came out, looked at a fountain in the courtyard, stuck her hand in, and complained that the pipes were frozen again.

We left her to it, I gave Gid the designs, and he went back to his apartment. As I walked back to mine, I found that my ex-boyfriend and his wife were moving in next door. (IRL, the last time I ran into my ex didn't go as I expected.) That night, they had a huge fight because he was going to go out with some bad-influence friends that she didn't like, and he had gotten in trouble with before. His friend and him pulled up to their front door with a giant truck, and set loose a boulder through their house. Then he put another boulder through our front door, which rolled up the stairs. I yelled at him, "Why did you do that? I have nothing to do with whatever is going on between you and your wife."

As he drove off with his friend, I went over to comfort his wife. I liked her a lot, and we became friends. As much as she was trash-talking my ex, I held back with my own comments, thinking it wasn't a good idea to talk ill of him.

Then I finally settled down at home. My husband and I were talking about another neighbor, and he mentioned a garage. I expressed that I wished we had a garage, and Brian said that we do. He took me down into it, which was in the basement of our building, and I was ecstatic that I had somewhere to put our tools and put our plants for the winter.

How Many Red Flags Can I Hit?

2012-01-24T18:38:00.000-05:00

I follow this blog called 100 Red Flags. They're working on a list of 100 things that makes a girl un-date-able. Considering I'm happily married, and I'm way past giving a crap about whether people like me because of the things I do or don't like, I consider it an achievement when I qualify for a red flag.

I'll keep updating this every so often as they release more red flags. Here's the list for now:
Updated 1/28/12.
Updated 3/7/12.

#100 & 99: Coming Soon

#98: She won’t eat chicken wings
I'm allergic to corn and egg whites, which can make eating out rather difficult. Every once in a while, I'll get a craving for a specific restaurant or food, so I'll go to their website to check out the ingredient list. Recently, I looked at Buffalo Wild Wings website, and found that in their allergy list, they actually include details about which foods contain corn! I have another restaurant to add to my regulars list. So, obviously, chicken wings are no problem. No red flag here.

#97: Coming Soon

#96: She’s never seen Braveheart, Gladiator, or ‘300’
Okay, what straight female doesn't want to see grown men in skimpy outfits being all manly? That's not the type of guy I'd date, but I have no objection to a bit of eye candy. I actually used to have a crush on Mel Gibson, back before we all knew how crazy he was. No red flag here.

#94-95: Coming Soon

#93: She wears hoop earrings …
I own one pair of hoop earrings. They are in the shape of a heart, and I wore them for an 80's costume party. I don't think I even have a decent picture of them. So no red flag for this one.

#92: She’s obsessed with chocolate
I'm currently (okay, still, 4 years later) in the editing stage of my novel, Sweet Addiction, which I consider to be my best work. The book is all about chocolate. I'd call that a red flag.

#91: Coming Soon

#90: She went to an all-girls Catholic high school
Nope, I went to public school with plenty of boys. Mmm, boys. Ahem...

#89: Coming Soon

#88: She’s run more than one marathon
I haven't even run a 5K. I'd like to some day, but I don't ever see a marathon in my future. Really, it actually sounds kind of boring to me. Definitely no red flag here.

#86-87: Coming Soon

#85: She’s submitted an application to be on Reality TV
No worries about a red flag here.

#84: Coming Soon

#83: She considers shopping a hobby
I hate shopping. I like having new things, but I hate dealing with shoppers. Having too many people in one area overloads my senses and exhausts me. Absolutely no red flag here.

#82: Coming Soon

#81: She studied abroad in Paris
If given the chance, I would have, but it wouldn't have been at the top of my list. So no red flag on this one.

#80: Coming Soon

#79: She’s obsessed with pink…
I'll award myself with this red flag, but it's not to the point that the author specifies. I like to accessorize with hot pink. I love my hot pink mirrored sunglasses, my hot pink Chuck Taylors, my hot pink bra, etc. I also own and only occasionally wear a hot pink long sleeved shirt, a hot pink hooded sweatshirt, a hot pink Turtle Hospital t-shirt, and a pink Lurch for the Cure t-shirt. I like the look of hot pink and black together, and I often wear all black. Also, I think pink is kind of taboo for a non-girly-girl to wear, so I like the audacity of it. I think the author was referring to princess pink, and frilly girly stuff, which doesn't apply to me, but I like hot pink enough that I have to own up to this red flag.

#78: Coming Soon

#77: She works in a mall and is over the age of 20
Never worked in a mall.

#76: She believes in long distance dating
I tried that once. It didn't work out. I think long distance dating would work best if it's an open relationship.

#75: Coming Soon

#74: She wears slutty Halloween costumes
I can't say I've never worn a slutty Halloween costume, but it's not a regular thing. I prefer to be creative, which sometimes means sacrificing any physical attractiveness. So I probably don't qualify for this one.

#73: Coming Soon

#72: She’s a one-upper
Nope, that drives me nuts. I'm pretty sure I'm not a one-upper, and if I am, please tell me.

#71: Coming Soon

#70: She’s never had a one night stand
Technically, no. I'm not objected to having a one night stand, it's just never really happened to me. So, I qualify for this one.

#69: Coming Soon

#68: She’s an Apple groupie …
I just got an iPad, and I love it. But I'm not switching everything over to Apple, it's just too expensive, and I'm a cheapskate. No red flag for me.

#67:  Coming Soon

#67:  She's an artist...
Updated 1/28/12. Jackpot!! This guy is reading my blog, or he Googled me, didn't he? As a graphic designer, I think it's pretty safe to say I totally hit this red flag head on.

#65:  Coming Soon

#64: She only dates {Insert: Race} guys…
I love men too much to cut down the pool like that. Hell no.

#63: Coming Soon

#62: She has never smoked pot
Technically, I qualify for this one. I have never smoked pot nor ever had any inclination to. But I have had friends that did, and I've gotten contact high. Honestly, I didn't enjoy it. Not my thing.

#61: She’s dated an athlete
Not my type. I wouldn't turn a guy down just because he's an athlete, but I'm not really an athlete's type either.

#60: Coming Soon

#59: She was homeschooled
Another reason I'm never having kids is because I wouldn't have to time to at least supplement some of their schooling with my own. I don't think I'd want my kids to be fully homeschooled; I'd want them to experience the difficulties in life so they're prepared for the big scary world out there, and I consider public school to be one of those difficulties. Upon reading post on this one, I don't think my opinion about what I would do to my kids if I ever had them (which I won't) effects my status on this red flag. And I wasn't homeschooled myself.

#56-58: Coming Soon

#55: She doesn’t have any good-looking friends
Definitely no red flag here.

#54: Coming Soon

#53: She throws her own birthday parties
I'm ashamed that this red flag applies to me. I've thrown most of my own adult birthday parties. I've even had one that pretty much no one came to. It was at a state forest. We were going to camp there, and people were welcome to camp out too, or just come party. One friend said she couldn't find us. The other came with her husband and dragged along their friend who had come to visit them. Of course, my husband came with me. We had fun, but I was feeling pretty friendless that day. My last birthday party made up for that, but I still worry every time I set anything up.

#51-52: Coming Soon

#50: She doesn’t call her dad
I'm a terrible daughter. I email my dad, and usually end up talking to my step-mom. But I don't really call anyone, I'm not a big fan of telephones. I'd rather text or email to make arrangements to see each other in person. Also, my mom and dad divorced when I was 5, and a few years later my dad ended up moving 100 miles away for his job. I don't doubt that he loves me, and he's a great dad, but we've never actually talked on the phone a lot. I get the red flag on this one.

#49 She still believes in Weapons of Mass Destruction
Heh, no.

#47: She owns a horse
Nope. Actually, I'm ashamed that I can be uncomfortable around horses. I'm an animal lover, and I really want to be good with horses. Unfortunately, I've had few chances to interact with horses, and not all of the times have been pleasant. One time, I went riding with friends on a guided trail through the woods. I had a hard time getting up on my horse, and the saddle never felt like it say right. Near the end of the ride, the horse kept pushing my left leg up against trees, and I couldn't get him to get away from them. I don't know if I wasn't guiding him right, or if he just wasn't paying attention to me, but either way, it makes me feel like horse riding isn't for me.

#46: Coming Soon

#45: She went to Notre Dame
Heh heh. I'm from the South Bend area, but my family didn't think highly of "Domers." No red flag here.

#44: She’s still on mySpace
I haven't checked mySpace in forever. In fact, I'm not sure if I even remember my password. I think I'll go try it...

#43: She has fake boobs
Nope, these babies are real.

#42: Coming Soon

#41: She can only cook with an oven
I can cook. But I can REALLY bake. I told my husband about this one, and he vehemently disagreed with the author. I make a mean cookie, but I also make an awesome lasagna. Red flag on this one, and I'm proud of it.

#40: Coming Soon

#39: She carries hand sanitizer in her purse
Red flag on this one, but not for the reason the author specifies. I hate having wet hands, and you never know what you're going to get in public bathrooms. When it's a roll of plain old paper towels, I'm fine. But sometimes it's the paper towels that only allow you to take one the size of a toilet paper square. Sometimes it's those crappy hand dryers that couldn't dry a desert. Sometimes it's those high force hand dryers that will probably turn into robots and take over the earth. Sometimes it's a reusable towel that's always wet. Sometimes you get nuthin'. It's just easier to hit my hands with sanitizer and get the hell out of there.

#38: Coming Soon

#37: She wears granny panties more than once a week
I don't really keep track of my panty-wearing, but I don't think I qualify for this one. If I'm wearing granny panties, it's because I'm a cheapskate. I've probably inadvertently bought the wrong thing, and I refuse to not use something I've paid for. Possible, but not probable, red flag.

#36: She posts more than once a day on Facebook
Sometimes, but not often. More likely if I've been drinking. I don't think the red flag qualifies on this one.

#34-35: Coming Soon

#33: She’s from Texas
Nope, I'm an Indiana girl who'd rather be a beach bum.

#32: She doesn’t like to fly Southwest
I love Southwest. I fly Southwest nearly exclusively. I'm a cheapskate, I like that I get to pick my own seat, and I like that the customer isn't always right.

#31: She carries condoms in her purse
Not anymore (obviously), but I used to. I disagree with the author on this one. There's nothing wrong with being prepared. I'd rather have a condom handy than miss out because the dude didn't. And I have the short term memory of a goldfish, so I'm likely to forget to replace it if one gets used. In addition, what if there's something wrong with the first one? NOT carrying a condom is a huge red flag in my book. I'll proudly claim the red flag on this one, but retroactively.

#30: She takes longer than 30 minutes to get ready
I take longer than that first thing in the morning, but that's not what the author is referring to here. Unless it's something I'm dressing up for, most of the time I don't even "get ready," I just grab my purse and go. Now, if I'm dressing up for it and it's on a weekend day where I've lounged around in my pjs all day, it might take a full half hour. So, this one would be a No.

#29: She buys high-end hair products
This goes in the "Guys are stupid" department. I see no problem with buying a $15 bottle of shampoo if you like it and it works well with your hair. And the author clearly doesn't realize how much these hair care products really cost. Sure, I can spend $2 on White Rain, look like crap, and use it up in 2 weeks. Or I can spend $10 on Redken and make it last 6 months. I'll own up to this red flag.

#28 She’s a bartender
I've never been a bartender. I've thought of it, but that's about it. No red flag here.

#27: She babysits
I haven't babysat since high school, and I hated it then. I take that as another sign that I shouldn't have kids.

#26: Coming Soon

#25: She constantly checks her cell phone during social situations
I don't do this, but that iPad in my purse certainly calls to me sometimes. Since I resist the urge to break it out most of the time, I don't think I qualify for this red flag.

#24: Coming Soon

#23: She has changed her allegiance to a sports team
I don't really have any sports teams I follow to begin with. I do watch soccer, so that may come up in a future red flag. But no red flag here.

#21-22: Coming Soon

#20: She has a flat screen TV made by Vizio
I haven't checked the brand of my TV, but I'm awarding myself a red flag for this one. I don't care what brand my TV is, but unlike the author's assumptions, even when I was single, I wouldn't be thinking about whether or not my TV would impress a guy.

#19: She doesn’t give blowjobs
Have I said, "Mmm, boys..." yet? Yeah, no red flag here.

#18: Coming Soon

#17: She cries during commercials
Nope.

#16: She pats her pizza down with a napkin
Nope.

#14-15: Coming Soon

#13: She refuses to sing karaoke
I'll award myself this red flag, because I'm very reluctant to sing karaoke. I've only done it once. I'm not sure I'd stick to my refusal, but I'd decline at first. My self confidence would have to be built up or clouded by alcohol.

#5-12: Coming Soon

#4: She’s an only child
I can answer no to this one, but my sibling status can get confusing. I was an only child when my parents divorced when I was 5. When my dad married a few years later, I got a stepbrother who was 4 years younger than me. At this point, my dad had taken a job 100 miles away, so I didn't get to see them that much, a few times a year. When I was 9, my dad and stepmom gave me a half sister, still 100 miles away. At the time, I still felt like an only child because I saw them so rarely. Then, when I was 11, my mom and stepdad had my sister. She's technically my half sister, but since we did grow up together, I just call her my sister, and I no longer felt like an only child.

#1-3: Coming Soon

What I'm currently playing

2012-01-07T16:07:00.001-05:00

I've been a video-gamer since I got my Nintendo when I was 8. I played it on a tiny little black and white tv. So when I got my first Gameboy, I was never phased by the baby-poop-green monotone screen.

I can't believe that I don't share the games I'm playing more. Since Christmas is not long past, I think this is a good time to share.

Dragon Age II
I heard a lot about this game before I got it. It's right up my alley, and very addicting. Total slacker fuel.

Rise of Nightmares
This game is a lot different from the other Kinect games I see, and that's a good thing. It's more like an interactive horror movie. (Hm, I wonder if I can write a horror game script. Do people do that?)

Dance Central
Wow, this game kicks my butt. I'm so out of shape. My goal is to dance for at least a half hour every morning. It's funny, for as much as I hated 80's/90's rap music, I find that those are my favorite songs to dance to. It must be the nostalgia factor.

Fitocracy
This isn't so much a video game as a real-life leveling system for exercise. You're awarded points for exercising, and there's acheivements and quests. It's exactly up a gamer girl's alley. If it doesn't let you join, let me know, I think I can send out invites.

2012 will be a good year

2012-01-02T16:47:00.000-05:00

Wow, last year was quite a year. We had extreme highs and lows, but in the end, we came out okay.

The best part is, this next year is going to be awesome. How? Well, I'm not so sure yet. But I know it will be, I can just feel it.

Coming into the new year, I feel empowered and excited. There are so many things I want to do. I just need to pace myself and try not to take it all on at once.

First step: finish Brains for the Zombie Soul (a parody of Chicken Soup for the Soul). I'm getting there. There's just a little bit of writing left, then editing. I need to have it all done and ready to publish by the middle of February.

Next step: Combine LiquidBrainoCreations.com with an Etsy page. Add Brian's drawings. I'd like to have this done by March, if not sooner.

Why do both of these have such an early deadline? Because we'll be selling Liquid Braino jewelry, my previous book, Helpless, and my new book, Brains for the Zombie Soul at HorrorHound Weekend in Columbus. Look for us next to our best booth buddies the Zombie Rights Campaign.

Don't worry, I won't be bored after March. April is Script Frenzy, and I still plan to try my hand at a script for the first time. Right now, I plan to take the easy way out and adapt Helpless into a screenplay.

After April, there's still plenty of things left on my to-do list. I still plan to go back to school for marine biology. I have a ton of sewing projects that have been sitting in a basket for months if not longer. And I'd like to find a way to get out on or in the water at Monroe Lake too.

At the very least, I won't be bored this next year. Today I already made some great progress on Brains for the Zombie Soul.

But it's not all work. I think perhaps it's time for a Rise of Nightmares run... Hey, don't I recognize that voice?

Dear Diary, Last Night I Had A Good Dream

2011-12-14T17:30:00.000-05:00

This is a post probably better for a diary entry.

I had an awesome dream last night that I haven't been able to get off my mind today.

But first, let's talk a little bit about dreams. Sometimes something seems perfectly normal in a dream is impossible to describe in real life.

One thing that happens to me regularly is that one person in my dream is actually two people in real life. In the dream world, this person can be two separate people at once. It's not like the one person is the other, or this is a new person that's a combination of the two. I would guess it's a little like being insane and knowing it: the closest thing in real life that I can equate it to would be seeing and recognizing person A, but knowing it's really not person A, it's person B.

Because of this strange dream phenomena, I'm hesitant to publicly post this dream. In it, my husband and Gideon Emery (yep, him again, I'm not quite sure why he's popping up so much lately) are the same person.

I don't want to give the wrong impression here. If you've read even a handful of my posts, you've probably figured out how much I am in love with my husband. In addition, although I find him attractive and am sure he's a wonderful guy, I am not expressing any desire to have an intimate relationship with Gid. Finally, the whole thing seems stalker-ish and obsessive-fangirl-ish, and that's not the type of person I want to be. This isn't a fantasy that I consciously made up, I'm just telling the dream like it was.

At any rate, on to the dream.

I was in a bedroom just like my grandma used to have before she moved down to Florida, complete with the mirrored vanity. I had just turned 19.

Gid came up behind me and said something to the effect of, "I know you've wanted me to kiss you. Since you're of age now, it's okay. I didn't want to give the wrong influence to your little sister."

Then he held my face and I wrapped my arms around his neck, and we had this long passionate kiss. It caught me off guard, because I was expecting just a polite, compulsory kiss. Instead, it was so intense, that we tried to fall back onto the bed, missed, hit the floor, and didn't stop.

When we finally parted, we both said, "Wow." I was a bit dazed from it. Then we started comparing notes about the kiss. It felt exactly like one of Brian's kisses, but then I thought, "Oh wait, this IS Brian."

Afterwards, Gid went to take a shower in the bathroom directly across the hall, and left the door open. I started cleaning up the bedroom, picking things up off of the floor. It was like we were just a normal couple, and I treated him the same way I would treat Brian.

When he got out of the shower, he came into the bedroom (already dressed) to get ready to go to an audition or shoot or something. He was talking about quitting something, and I thought he wanted to quit Merlin. (No, he's not on Merlin in real life, but he was in the dream.) I clarified, and then said it was good that he didn't want to quit Merlin. The show was doing so well and giving him tons of exposure.

He got up and sat on the bed, but he was totally Brian at this point. I continued cleaning up the room and chatting with him, just like, well, just like I did last night before bed.

Interpreting this dream is pretty easy, actually. And it has nothing to do with Gid. It's just a manifestation of something I've had on my mind lately.

So now that I feel like I've uncomfortably posted too much information already, I might as well keep going. I can't be the only married woman with this issue.

My husband loves me, and I'm sure he still thinks I'm pretty. My self image is probably generally lower than it should be, and lately I've had the desire for someone other than my husband to find me attractive. How weird and insecure is that? I don't necessarily want someone other than my husband to kiss me passionately, but I want someone to want to. I admit, it's a bit pathetic.

Ah, the problems of a hopeless romantic.

I'm One of Those Adults that Thinks They Understand Teenagers

2011-12-08T17:30:00.000-05:00

While reading 5 Terrible Things You Can't Stop Your Children From Doing on Cracked.com, I thought that some of their explanations missed the mark. Maybe it's because I don't have kids of my own, but I do remember being a teenager. The teenage years suck, and no one understands you. Notice, I didn't say adults don't understand teenagers. No, everyone has their own things going on in their heads at different rates, especially between the ages of 12 and 20. I am a teenager sympathizer and wish more people would give these kids more credit.

At any rate, back to the article.

#5. "I'd never let my kid out of the house, dressed like that!"

"John Cheese" makes a good point here, that kids are trying to be grownups, not sluts. I'm surprised he didn't address a more important point: it doesn't matter what your kids look like when they leave the house.

My mom didn't want me to wear makeup. She still doesn't wear makeup. So I did what most other teenage girls do who aren't supposed to be wearing makeup: I left the house without it then put it on when I got to school, or my friend's house, or whatever. Then I washed my face before I got home.

As a freshman in high school, I dressed grunge, just like everyone else at the time. I was wearing jeans with holes in them, topped off by a flannel shirt, t-shirt, or baggy sweatshirt. And then, overnight, I got boobs. I went from a training bra to a D in my sophomore year. I had something that all the other girls wanted, there was no way I was going to keep hiding these babies under sloppy shirts. So sure, while I still had on jeans and a flannel shirt when I left the house, as soon as I got out of view of my front door, that shirt was unbuttoned to show off the tight fitting tank top I had on underneath.

Cracked gave this picture as an example:

Sure, she was probably wearing this when she left the house. That sweater is perfect for covering up a tight crop top. That skirt not only covers up the mini skirt underneath, but parents also can't see that the boots are knee high "sexy" boots. Or maybe wearing the mini skirt underneath would be too obvious. You bet she's carrying a purse. In addition to the makeup hidden away inside, a mini skirt fits nicely even into a small purse.

It doesn't matter what you tell your kids to do. They're going to do it anyway. Speaking of...

#4. "I'll never let my kid hang around that crowd!"

Confession time: When I was 16, I dated a 29 year old. Before you start calling him a perv, keep in mind that, other than my husband, he was the best boyfriend I ever had. He respected me, he never pressured me, and he gave me some life lessons that I had never gotten from my parents or friends (like being friendly to cashiers and wait staff). In fact, he knew it was wrong and wanted to break the relationship off, and I convinced him not to leave me.

Did my parents want me to date someone that much older than me? Of course not. So I didn't tell them. I would go out with friends, then meet up with my boyfriend afterwards. Eventually I got found out.

My point for this is the same as #5, it doesn't matter what you tell your kids to do, they're going to do it anyway.

#3. "I'll never let my kids around booze or drugs!"

This is the one that my parents got right. They never told me, "Don't do drugs," or "Don't drink." They told me, "It would be hypocritical of me to tell you not to do drugs. I can only tell you that I tried them before and would not recommend it. They're illegal, which can get you in trouble, and I'm not bailing you out of jail. And never bring them into my house." On alcohol, "If you drink, don't drive. And you still have to be home by curfew. And I'm not bailing you out of jail." On smoking, "I'm not paying for your cigarettes. Or to buy you a car. Or anything else you don't need. So you can choose to waste your money on cigarettes, or you can save up for the car you want so badly."

Did it work? Yeah, pretty well. Sure, I tried all of it, most just once. I didn't see the appeal, and since my parents already figured that I'd try it, I didn't feel like I was being a rebel.

So, it goes back to my point, teenagers are going to do it anyway. Lead by example and make sure they are informed about what to do when things go wrong.

#2. "I'll never let my kids touch a gun!"

I was raised in a hunting household. Guns were par for the course. I knew how to shoot when I was 9. I had my own pellet gun to go rabbit hunting with. I'm on par with John Cheese here. When I saw a gun as a kid, I knew about gun safety, and it wasn't anything special. So I wasn't interested.

So again, lead by example and make sure kids are informed. In this case, keeping them away from guns is worse than sheltering them from them. If they know what they're doing, they're not going to freak out when they see one, and they'll know what to do around it. They'll have respect for guns. This is a case where good peer pressure works.

#1. "I better never catch my kid fighting!"

I got in a fight in 5th grade. At the time, I had a friend named Stacy, and both of us thought we wanted to be part of the cool crowd. Some of the "cool" girls said she could be part of their group if she fought me.

That day, I hid in the bathroom for a while. I wasn't scared of getting hurt, I was scared of hurting my friend. Not physically, but emotionally. Friends don't fight friends. Finally, I realized that if she wanted to be a part of that crowd, I'd have to do this for her, and it would make her happy.

So I went out to recess, and there was a big group assembled in the middle of the track. She had all the cool kids on her side, and I had 3 kids on mine: My boyfriend at the time (elementary school boyfriend = walking home together and spending recess together), my friend Mary, and my still-best-friend Jessica. Stacy and I circled around each other for a while, then I grabbed her arm, pinned it behind her back, grabbed her other arm, and tried to pin her to the ground. But I was a tiny kid, and never got her down.

Why did I do that? One, I didn't want to hurt my friend. But also, my stepdad was also teaching me how to fight. I already knew that it was better to subdue my opponent than to swing.

But even as a little kid, I was a lover, not a fighter. Everyone was surprised that I got in a fight. Anyone I tell this story to is surprised now.

Sure, I got in trouble at school. They sent a note home to my parents, but I told them before they could get the letter (I learned it was always better for them to find out from me than someone else). Their reply? "Did you win?" My friend and I made up after that, and she didn't get into the cool crowd, but we lost touch in middle school.

My point is, you can't protect your children from everything. Like I've been saying this whole time:

They're going to experience it one way or another anyway,

And when they do, it's better for them to know what to do. The hard, gritty truth, not some ABC Family Special BS.

Naked Wrestling

2011-12-01T12:35:00.000-05:00

Look ma, I'm blogging!

National Novel Writing Month is over. I won by hitting 50,000, but my book isn't done. Typically, Chicken Soup for the Soul books have 101 stories. Brains for the Zombie Soul is only at 75 stories. I'm going to take a few days off to catch up on all the things I didn't do in November, then go back to writing.

I did hit 50,000 before John of the Zombie Rights Campaign, which goes to prove that evil will always triumph because good is dumb.

So now, it's time to give my poor little blog a little love. In traditional fashion, let's continue with a dream from last night. I think this is the first time Facebook has been in one of my dreams. Even then, having Facebook in a dream is pretty lame.

You know how you get in a discussion about something and someone says, "Did you see that internet video about...?" which then leads to someone having to share another video, which then leads to someone else having to share one, and before you know it you've been watching YouTube all night? In my dream, I was over at someone's house and we were sharing videos. I wanted to show them one that had been posted to Facebook by Gideon Emery.

Let me take a break here and mention that Gid has popped up in my dreams before. Dream Gid has always been a super nice guy, which is the impression that I get from him in real life. It's not that he wasn't nice in this dream, but I don't think this is a realistic interpretation of him.

Back in the dream, when I clicked on the video, instead of getting the one I expected, it was a video shot from Gideon Emery's cell phone instead. He was at a party and everyone was obviously drunk. At some point during the party, someone suggested naked wrestling.

The video was of Gid and this pretty girl with short hair naked wrestling, and she was really giving him a tough time. They weren't really naked, Gid was wearing a Speedo, and the girl was wearing this butterfly wings thing that covered up the naughty bits. I thought that wasn't really naked, it was cheating, but it wasn't like I didn't enjoy the video. I also felt bad, because this was obviously something private that Gid hadn't intended to end up online, but again, I didn't stop watching.

That's it. So what's the dream mean? I think my subconscious is just in the mood for a little bit of naked wrestling, if you know what I mean.

NaNoWriMo 2011

2011-10-11T19:29:00.001-04:00

Red Lipstick

2011-09-19T12:50:00.001-04:00

Saturday night, we went to see the Bloomington Burlesque Brigade perform at Jake's. It was fabulous, as usual, and lived up to all my expectations. The women are beautiful and talented, and the addition of the jazzy Burly-Q band has been wonderful.

I love going to see the B3's shows, and haven't missed many.

The human body is beautiful in all its forms. Sure, burlesque is sexy, but I go because it's beautiful.

But speaking of sexy, the sexiest thing about burlesque is the confidence these women have. They love their bodies and are absolutely having fun. It doesn't matter whether or not they fit traditional standards of beauty, that they enjoy what they do makes them gorgeous.

I envy that confidence. I wish I could go up there and perform, but I know I don't have the self confidence, not only in my body, but in my ability to perform as well as they do.

By extension though, they make me feel pretty. I'm normally a slacks and minimal make-up type of girl. I used to not wear make-up at all, but I feel more professional when I wear it. My shoes are normally flats, boots, or recently, I've befriended a pair of hot pink Chuck Taylors.

Sometimes I like to be a bit more girly though, and going to a burlesque show usually persuades me to primp a bit. I might wear heels, or a skirt. I'll probably wear a top that emphasizes the "ladies." (Though they do that themselves normally anyway.) There might be a bit more eyeliner around my eyes, or a less subtle eyeshadow, or thicker or darker mascara.

Violet Phoenix is great at working the crowd before shows. She talks to every table. Every time, she tells me that I look beautiful, or pretty, or fantastic, or whatever. I'm sure she says that to every lady there, but it's a surefire hit. I don't think it's a gimmick either, I think she makes sure to find something beautiful about every woman there, because she always sounds so genuine.

It was the same thing at the last show, she worked the crowd before the show, and came around again during intermission. Again, she said, "You really do look fabulous tonight. It's your makeup or something."

For probably the second time ever, I was wearing red lipstick. I never thought I could pull off red lips. I tried once, for a promotional picture, and it looked terrible. It was the wrong shade. My husband saw it and told me not to put the picture up, which I was thankful for. I like it when he saves me from embarrassing myself.

But my husband doesn't like it when I wear make-up. For the most part, that's good. I don't have to wear skirts or heels or be girly; he likes that I don't primp. Sometimes I want to feel (traditionally) sexy though. Sometimes I want to line my eyes and wear fuck-me heels and have red lips.

Brian hated the red lipstick I wore on Saturday. I don't think it was a case of wearing the wrong color. I should've taken a picture, because I think it looked good. He just doesn't like the look of makeup, and although he can deal with the natural look I normally use, the red lipstick was just too much for him.

By time we got there, I was feeling a bit insecure. So when Violet Phoenix came up to me and told me I looked beautiful, that was the hit of confidence that I needed. By the time the show was over, as usual, the gorgeous, talented women on stage made me feel pretty.

Thank you Bloomington Burlesque Brigade for yet another wonderful show.

The 8th Year of Marriage is Better Than the First

2011-07-25T16:47:00.000-04:00

Have I ever mentioned how much I love my husband?

He's supportive and silly, impulsive and cooperative, loving and independent... He accepts people as they are and doesn't judge. He's wild and wacky in some of the same ways I am, and in some ways that I'm not.

I truly feel that there is no one else out there more suited for me.

SOFT

by Braino

A soft loving touch,

So tender and passionate,

That arouses love.

That never seems to end.

Whose kiss is a magical thing in itself.

Loving ares that fit as no other has,

Leaving pain and fear behind.

A voice that I cherish with all my heart.

A woman of beauty and grace,

Whose love is centered on me,

But returned a thousand fold.

My girl that rules my world.

The one I love,

Heart and soul.

The woman I call my love.

Expecto Patronum

2011-07-14T19:30:00.001-04:00

Harry Potter is so pop-culture now, I expect everyone knows this spell. In case you don't, Expecto Patronum is used to ward off Dementors, which are bad dudes who guard the wizard prison and generally suck all the joy and happiness out of you. Also, if they kiss you, they will suck your soul out.

Expecto Patronum is a difficult spell to cast, and requires you to think of your happiest and most joyful memory. When it is successfully performed, a silver form will come out of your wand (Harry's was a stag).

I'm only a casual Harry Potter fan. I've read and enjoyed all of the books, but haven't seen most of the movies. With as strong and mesmerizing as the Expecto Patronum spell is, I can't help but wonder what memories I would use (Harry has to try several before he finds the strongest one), and what form my Patronus would take.

I've often said if I had my wedding to do over again, I'd do it differently. It might surprise some people that I would have preferred to do less. We had a small wedding with a renaissance theme. My aunt was my maid of honor, Brian's friend Marc was his best man, and we had no groomsmen or bridesmaids. The ceremony was in a park, under the willow tree that Brian and I often sat under when we started dating. Afterwards we had little cakes and some sparkling juice (public park = no alcohol allowed) in the park without any music or dancing. The next day we went up to the Bristol Renaissance Faire. All in all pretty simple. Even though I tend to be a hopeless romantic, I wish I would have skipped all of that. Looking back, now we wish we would have went straight down to Key West, eloped on a ship, then enjoyed the rest of our honeymoon together.

Although, if we had done that, we would have missed out on our friend Christian officiating. He did a wonderful job and helped everything run smoothly.

Which brings me to what I think is my happiest memory: Our first kiss as husband and wife. Everything and everyone disappeared and there was nothing in the world except us. Anything else was darkness, and the only source of light radiated from the spot where our lips touched, and it was brighter than any other light that ever existed. I was slowly brought back to earth by Brian's blue eyes: the first thing I saw when I opened my own, and filled with the love that I felt in my own. In that moment, I was so filled with joy, I thought I would burst; I was too happy to even cry.

I never used to be a wedding-crier, but now, if the bride cries, I'll cry too, remembering that moment.

If the Patronus is based on my happiest moment, it would be a unicorn. Not a pansy unicorn, but a strong masculine one, built similar to a Clydesdale. Sorry, you don't get to know why, some things are too sacred to share.

So, what happy moment would you use to cast Expecto Patronum, and what would your Patronus be?

Fantasy Date Night with a Celebrity

2011-07-12T17:30:00.002-04:00

Sgt. Scott Moore, a Marine serving in Afghanistan, asked Mila Kunis to the Marine Corps. Ball via YouTube, and she agreed to go.

How awesome is that?

So of course, I have to ask the next logical question: Who would you ask to the Ball? (After your significant other, of course.)

My knee-jerk reaction is Johnny Depp. And it sounds like something he would do. The problem there is that Johnny Depp is so freaking famous. How much time would I actually be able to spend with him? And would he enjoy himself? It doesn't sound like his sort of "thing." I'd rather go to a concert or casual party or something like that with Johnny Depp.

It would make more sense to turn my focus to the three celebrities I'm all fan-girly on: Neil Gaiman, Gideon Emery, or John Barrowman.

I would rather do something more quiet with Neil Gaiman where I'd be more able to soak up his genius. Dinner, a meeting at a nice quiet cafe, or a simple shopping spree at a bookstore. Possibly preceded by a movie, it would be great to get Neil Gaiman's opinion on a movie we'd just seen together.

Gideon Emery doesn't seem like the Ball-going sort either. He'd be a good dinner and a movie date too. Or something outdoorsy, I have a feeling he'd be fun to bike and hike or something like that with. Sometimes I get urges to do something silly and youthful, like play at a playground or mini-golf, and he seems like the type that would go for a little impromptu frivolity.

Which leaves John Barrowman, and when it comes to going to the Ball, he'd be my choice. First of all, from what I've seen, he'd have fun and make sure I had fun too. It probably helps that he'd wear a kilt. So what if he's gay, it's not like anything would happen anyway. I'd just be able to have a good time with a hot date.

So, who's your celebrity date to the ball?

Why I Don't Wear Linen Straight Skirts Anymore

2011-07-08T17:13:00.000-04:00

"Honestly? That skirt doesn't look good on you. It reminds me of a potato sack."

It was a morning just like any other. I got dressed, and asked the question most men loathe to hear, "Does this look okay?" When he said no, guess what I did? I gave my husband a grateful kiss, and went back to the bedroom and changed into something less bag-looking.

Some women would be offended if their husband said this to them, but I'm grateful. I went into that day looking good, instead of wearing something less flattering. Instead of looking fat, frumpy, unshapely, or un-classy, I don't want to look bad, I would rather have an honest opinion. By advising me on my fashion mistakes, he's not ordering me to wear one thing over another, he's not controlling my wardrobe or my life, and he's not being degrading; he's being helpful.

We value the honest communication we have with each other. It's a good balance of truthfulness, without any insensitive comments or hurt feelings. That's one of the things that makes our relationship work so well.

I also know that he prefers my hair long, he likes me to wear skirts, and he doesn't like it when I wear makeup. As much as I value his opinion, a couple weeks ago I chopped my hair off to shoulder-length, I haven't worn a skirt in weeks, and I wear makeup to work every day. I do what I can to make him happy, but I have to make myself happy too. But that doesn't mean I don't want to know, because I really do. Second to my own opinion, it's what he wants me to look like that counts. I have no one to impress but myself and him.

But it goes both ways. He knows what pairs of jeans that I think make his butt look great, that I like it when he's clean shaven, and my favorite shirts for him to wear are his button-down ones. And he still wears whatever pants he happens to grab, along with a holey t-shirt, and is currently sporting a beard. (Blech, I really dislike the beard.) I still love him unconditionally. And sometimes, he still dresses up and shaves for me.

Which brings me to the inspiration for this post: I read another blog post that asks, "What if your man asked you to lose weight?"

First of all, Brian hasn't asked me to lose weight. He knows how much I would like to slim back down to a healthy weight, he knows how much I'm working towards that, and he motivates me. He also knows how bad I feel about my weight, and he has two things to say about it. "I want you to do what makes you happy," and "I didn't marry you for your looks, I love you for what's in your head," (and then he backtracks to say that doesn't mean I'm not pretty [at which point I pat him on the head and call him a good boy]).

Part of my answer would depend on his insinuation in the question. Is he worried about my health, or is he worried about how I look? If he was worried about my health, I would take the question seriously, but I would also expect his help to make up both healthier. If he was worried about my declining attractiveness, I would be offended. Losing weight isn't about changing an outfit or foregoing eyeshadow, it's not a quick and easy fix. Also, weight isn't a choice between red or blue, or short or long.

But the best part about all of this is that I don't have to worry. He's not going to ask me to stop eating Ben & Jerry's "Everything But The," although he might ask, "Are you going to regret eating that whole pint?"

Because he isn't going to force me to be who he wants me to be, he's going to encourage me to be who I want to be. And that's why I love him.

Bitching

2011-06-22T18:06:00.001-04:00

Man, I am bitchy today.

I didn't get enough sleep last night, and it is sure making me grumpy. Here are some of the things my mind is filtering out before they make it to my mouth...

Guys, if your shorts cover your knees, whether they're just long or you're sagging them, they are no longer shorts. Generally, pants that end below your knees but above your ankle are called capris. Get some friggin' shorts that fit.

I was driving through a residential area, and a daycare group was walking back to their building from the public pool. They were crossing the road at a crosswalk like a nice little line of ducklings. I slowed to a stop half a block away from them. The teacher walks out into the middle of the road and puts her hand up signalling me to stop. What? Not only was I already stopped, I was two to three car lengths away from them, it was obvious that I had no intention of coming anywhere close. It's like telling a dog that's been hit by a car to play dead.

Forget you, T-Mobile and Radio Shack! Brian's phone and SIM card got into a domestic dispute yesterday. I tried to act as a mediator, but divorce is inevitable. Time to get a new phone, and quick.

Forget ordering from T-Mobile, it would take at least a week to get here or would cost enough to buy 2 phones.
Going to the T-Mobile site on my Blackberry redirects me to a log in screen. Since I'm on prepaid, my account isn't authorized to log into T-Mobile's mobile site. There is no option to go to their regular site, or do simple things like locate the nearest store.
Using a Google search, I finally get into the T-Mobile store locator, and search for stores that carry their prepaid phone kits. They say that I can buy one from our local Wal-Mart. They are wrong, which of course, I didn't find out until I drove across town, while already bitchy.
They also suggest Radio Shack or Target. I try Target, but they only have the high end phones in stock, not the type that Brian wants. So I hop onto Radio Shack's website. They claim that they do carry prepaid T-Mobile phone kits, including the basic cheap phone that we're looking for, and that it's in stock at out local store. Happy day? Oh hell no, the big liars. I get to the store to find out that not only do they not have them in stock, they haven't had them in months.

The only reason I stay with T-Mobile is that they are the only cell phone provider that has the prepaid options I want. I can pay by the minute or text, not by the day. There's no service charges. And they have a 24 hour unlimited data pass for when I want to actually use my Blackberry as a smartphone. Maybe I should switch to AT&T. Oh, wait...

Finally, I am friggin' sick of so-called graphic designers who don't know the basics of printing. Making the brochure that your mom wants for her business look pretty does not qualify you as a designer, especially if you don't know what bleed is. When people ask what I do and I respond, "I'm a graphic designer," I get 2 reactions:
Genuinely impressed. "That's cool!" Well, not really, my days are mostly filled with making other people's substandard work printable while trying to stay in their budget. But sometimes, I do get to genuinely create something that I'm proud of, so I won't burst their bubble of thinking the design world is a glamorous one.
or, "I'm a graphic designer/I used to do graphic design." Most of these people have pasted a picture that they stole from a website into Microsoft Word and called it print-ready.

The major problem I have with the graphic design world is that going to school for it is useless. In school, they teach the elements and theory of design, but none of the practical stuff. And the people who don't go to school think that anyone can do it, because someone who hasn't taken a single design course can make something just as pretty as someone who has. That doesn't mean that either of these people can make it printable.

But we've all got to start somewhere. I love to teach, so when someone is having a problem getting something to the point that I need it, I have no problem showing them how to get there. I don't even charge for it, although it's saving them money in the long run, so I probably should. The people that I have issues with are the ones that act like I don't know what I'm talking about. I have the silly assumption that people will want their materials that they've put all this time into designing to come out as sharp and nice as they can be.

I'd love to teach a Printing Essentials class at Ivy Tech or something.

Although after reading my long rants like this, I don't think they'd want me to.