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Albert Einstein and Chauffeur

2013-05-24T09:39:00.001-07:00

Albert Einstein used to go to dinners where he was invited to give a speech. One day, on his way to one of those dinners, he told his chauffeur (who looked exactly like him) that he was dead tired of giving the same speech, dinner after dinner.

"Well," said the chaffeur, "I've got a good idea. Why don't I give the speech since I've heard it so many times?'' So Albert's chauffeur gave the speech perfectly and even answered a few questions. Then, a professor stood up and asked him a really tough question about anti-matter which the chauffeur couldn't answer

"Sir, the answer to your question is so easy that I'll let my chauffeur answer it!"

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Magic Car

2013-02-25T05:35:00.001-08:00

A mother gave her teenage daughter a car for her eighteenth birthday.

As she handed over the keys, she explained that it was a magic car.

The girl, of course, was very excited, and asked what it did.

"Well," said Mom, "Just get one ticket and you'll see how quickly it will disappear."

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Do You Have Doubt About Condom?

2013-02-23T12:08:00.001-08:00

A boy goes to the drug store with his dad and sees the condom display.

Boy: "Dad, why do they do packs of one condom?"

Dad: "Those are for the high-schoolers for Friday nights."

Boy: "So, why do they make packs of three?"

Dad: "For the college guys for Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights."

Boy: "Then why do they make packs of 12?"

Dad: "Those are for married couples -- you know, January, February, March."

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Three Engineers

2012-12-17T05:22:00.003-08:00

There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong.

The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred.

The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.

Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion: If we close all the windows, get out, get back in, then open the windows again, maybe it'll work!"

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Chocolate Chip Cookie

2012-12-13T05:48:00.000-08:00

There was an elderly man at home, upstairs, dying in bed.

He smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies baking. He wanted one last cookie before he died. He fell out of bed, crawled to the landing, rolled down the stairs and crawled into the kitchen where his wife was busily baking cookies.

With his last remaining strength he crawled to the table and was just barely able to lift his withered arm to the cookie sheet.

As he grasped a warm, moist chocolate chip cookie, his favorite kind, his wife suddenly whacked his hand with a spatula.

Gasping for breath, he asked her, "Why did you do that?"

"Those are for the funeral."

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"Daddy? How did I come into this world?"

2012-11-26T04:33:00.003-08:00

"Daddy? How did I come into this world?"

"Well, my child, some day I'll have to tell you anyway, so why not today? Please, listen carefully."

Mom and Dad met each other in a cyber café. In the restrooms of that cyber café, dad connected to mom. Mom at that time made some downloads from dad's memory stick. When dad finished uploading we discovered we used no firewall. Since it was too late to cancel or delete, nine months later we ended up with avirussssssssssssssssssssss.

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Make sure who is beside you...!

2012-11-16T03:02:00.002-08:00

A secretary, a paralegal and a partner in a city law firm are walking through a park on their way to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."

"Me first! Me first!" says the secretary. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.

In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the paralegal, "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.

"You're next," the Genie says to the partner. The partner says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

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ESL (English Second Language) Student and Essay

2012-11-15T04:29:00.005-08:00

Two ESL friends Ravi & Arjun went to school for appearing in English exam ( 5th standard ) ..

They had crammed an essay of "MY BEST FRIEND". But unfortunately , in the question-paper it was written ...... write an essay on "MY FATHER" in just 30-45 words .

So Ravi was utterly confused & nervous ...what to do !!! Arjun gave an idea . . . . just write the essay My best friend & just keep on replacing the word friend with the father..... So this was how Ravi and Arjun wrote the essay "MY FATHER"......

Fathers & best fathers are everywhere , but good fathers are very rare . I have so many fathers , but my best father is Arjun. He is my neighbor. He often comes to my home & my mother likes him very much.

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Many Funny Tiny Jokes by Ifunny

2012-11-14T05:07:00.001-08:00

Customer : Waiter, do you serve crabs?
Waiter : Please sit down sir, we serve everyone.

Customer : Waiter, is this a lamb chop or pork chop?
Waiter : Can't you tell the difference by taste? Customer : No, I can't.
Waiter : Then does it really matter?

Customer : Waiter, there's a dead beetle in my soup.
Waiter : Yes sir, they are not very good swimmers.

Customer : Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.
Waiter : That's all right sir, he won't drink much.

Customer : Waiter, there's a fly swimming in my soup.
Waiter : So what do you expect me to do, call a lifeguard?

Customer : Waiter, what's the meaning of this fly in my tea cup?
Waiter : I wouldn't know sir, I'm a waiter, not a fortune teller.

Customer : Waiter, this soup tastes funny.
Waiter : Funny? But then why aren't you laughing?

Lady : Is this my train?
Station Master : No, it belongs to the Railway Company.
Lady : Don't try to be funny. I mean to ask if I can take this train to New Delhi.
Station Master : No Madam, I'm afraid it's too heavy.

Teacher : Peter, why are you late for school again?
Peter : Well, Miss, I dreamed that I was playing football and the game went into extra time.

Wife : Do you want dinner?
Husband : Sure, what are my choices?
Wife : Yes and no.

A drunkard was brought to court. Just before the trial there was a commotion in the gallery. The judge pounded the gravel on his table and shouted, "Order, order." The drunkard immediately responded, "Thank you, your honor, I'll have a scotch and soda."

Customer : If I post this letter tonight, will it get to Delhi in two days time?
Post Master : Yes sir, it definitely will.
Customer : I bet you, it won't.
Post Master : Why not?
Customer : It's addressed to Mumbai.

An absent-minded man went to see a psychiatrist.
'My trouble is,' he said, 'that I keep forgetting things.'
'How long has this been going on?' asked the psychiatrist.
'How long has what been going on?' said the man.

Girl : Do you love me?
Boy : Yes Dear.
Girl : Would you die for me?
Boy : No, mine is undying love.

1st thief : Oh ! The police is here. Quick! Jump out of the window!
2nd thief : But this is the 13th floor.
1st thief : Hurry! this is no time for superstitions.

Man : How old is your father?
Boy : As old as me.
Man : How can that be?
Boy : He became a father only when I was born.

Teacher : Correct the sentence, "A bull and a cow is grazing in the field"
Student : A cow and a bull is grazing in the field
Teacher : How?
Student : Ladies first.

Waiter : I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.
Customer : Don't tell me your problems. Give the menu card.

Little Susie came running into the house after school one day, shouting,
"Daddy! Daddy! I got a 100 in school today!"
"That's great, Sweetheart," said her daddy.
"Come in to the living room and tell me about it.""Well," began the confession, "I got 50 in spelling, 30 in math's and 20 in science."

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Chain Letter for Women Only

2012-11-13T03:07:00.000-08:00

This letter was started by a woman like yourself in the hopes of bringing relief to other tired and discontented women. Unlike most chain letters, this one does not cost anything. Just send a copy of this letter to five of your friends who are equally frustrated.

Then, bundle up your husband or boyfriend, send him to the woman whose name appears at the top of the list and add your name to the bottom of the list.

When your name comes to the top of the list, you will receive 16,877 men. One of them is bound to be a hell of a lot better than the one you already have.

Do not break this chain. One woman broke the chain and got her own S.O.B. back. At this writing a friend of mine already received 184 men. They buried her yesterday, but it took three undertakers 36 hours to get the smile off her face and two days to get her legs together so they could close the coffin.

Hurry up and send this letter along so my name can move up fast.

The Liberated Woman

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Blonde Husband and Pepper Shaker

2012-11-12T04:55:00.000-08:00

On their anniversary night, the blonde husband sat his wife down in the bedroom with her favorite magazine, turned on the soft reading lamp, slipped off her shoes, patted and propped her feet and announced that he was preparing dinner all by himself.

"How romantic!" she thought.

Two-and-a-half hours later, she was still waiting for dinner to be served. She tiptoed to the kitchen and found it a colossal mess.

Her harried blond husband, removing something indescribable from the smoking oven, saw her in the doorway.

"Almost ready!" he vowed. "Sorry it took me so long but I had to refill the pepper shaker."

"Why, honey, how long could that have taken you?"

"More than an hour, I reckon. Wasn't easy stuffing' it through those dumb little holes."

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Selection Made Based on Incorrect Answer...!

2012-11-08T03:41:00.001-08:00

Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the Department Manager. Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one of the questions.

The manager went to the first applicant and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we`ve decided to give the job to the other applicant."

"And why would you be doing that ? We both got 9 questions correct," asked the rejected applicant.

"We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," said the Department manager.

"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" the rejected applicant inquired.

"Simple, "said the Department manager, "Your fellow applicant put down on question No. 5, `I don`t know` and You put down, `Neither do I.`

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What do you want to be? Little Johnny...!

2012-11-01T03:43:00.000-07:00

Teacher asks the kids in class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?

Lil' Johnny: "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best *****, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day".

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson:

And you, Sally? asked teacher

Little Sally Said: "I wanna be Lil' Johnny's *****!"

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The Barbershop

2012-10-30T03:22:00.003-07:00

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours." The guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours."
The guy leaves. A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and half." The guy leaves. The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, do me a favor, will 'ya? Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then doesn't ever come back."

A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"

Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house".

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10 Humorous Definitions!

2012-10-25T05:17:00.003-07:00

Women: Person who thinks more with their heart than with their head.

Experience: What you will get while looking for something else.

Zoo: A place advice for animals to study the habits of human beings.

Adam: The only man in the world who couldn't say," Pardon me, haven't I seen you before?"

Dentist: A person who extracts both your teeth and money.

Bald: When one has less hair to comb and more face to wash.

Death: Stop sinning suddenly.

Neighbour: A person who is out of something.

Smile: A small curve that solve big problems.

Kitchen: Final laboratory of housewife.

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What if Jonah went to hell? Little Johnny

2012-10-23T04:18:00.005-07:00

Little Johnny was talking to his teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though they were a very large mammal their throat was very small.

Little Johnny stated Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

The teacher reiterated a whale could not swallow a human; it was impossible.

Little Johnny said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

Little Johnny replied, "Then you ask him."

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Need Divorce

2012-10-13T21:16:00.000-07:00

In a divorce court a woman requested the judge:
"Your honor, I want to divorce my husband."
"But why ?" asked the judge.
She replied, "Because he is not faithful to me."
The judge asked, "How do you know ?"
She replied, "My lord, not a single child resembles him."

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How Adam Wife Eve Created! "Little Johney"

2012-10-12T05:11:00.003-07:00

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings.

Little Johnny, a child in the kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.

Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny what is the matter?"

Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my chest rib side" "I think I'm going to have a wife."

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Where is Jesus? Little Johnny

2012-10-12T04:56:00.002-07:00

A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc.

So he asked his class,
"Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."
Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart." Little Johnny,
waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! ! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"

The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response.
The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds.

Finally, he gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.

Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up,

bangs on the bathroom door, and yells, "Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!"

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Doctor, an Accountant and a Lawyer @ St. Peter

2012-10-12T04:12:00.001-07:00

Three men, a doctor, an accountant and a lawyer are dead and they appear in front of St Peter. St Peter tells them that they have to answer one question in order to get to Heaven. He looks at the doctor and asks, "There was a movie that was made about a ship that sank after hitting an iceberg, what was its name?" The doctor answers, "The Titanic" and he is sent through. He then looks at the accountant and say, "How many people died in that ship?" Fortunately the doctor had just watched the movie and he answers, "1 500!". St Peter sends him through and then finally turns to the lawyer and commands, in a very heavy voice, "Name them!".

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Lawyer's Funeral

2012-10-10T10:54:00.000-07:00

A man is at his lawyer's funeral and and is surprised by the turnout for this one man. He turns to the people around him.

"Why are you all at this man's funeral?" A man turns towards him and says, "We're all clients." "And you ALL came to pay your respects? How touching."

"No, we came to make sure he was dead."

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1,000 Valentine cards signed, Guess Who?

2012-10-02T06:21:00.000-07:00

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'" "But why?" asks the man. "I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

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I Send Them a Bill

2012-09-19T11:01:00.000-07:00

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated
doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill." The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

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"I'm Sorry, but Your Lawyer Died Last Week :(

2012-09-14T11:18:00.000-07:00

A guy phones a law firm and says, "I want to speak to my lawyer." The receptionist says, "I'm sorry, but your lawyer died last week." The next day the same guy phones the law firm and says, "I want to speak to my lawyer." Once again the receptionist replies, "I'm sorry, but your lawyer died last week."

The next day the guy makes his regular call to the law firm and say, "I want to speak to my lawyer." "Excuse me sir," the receptionist says, "but this is third time I've had to tell you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?" The guy replies, "Because I love hearing it!"

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My Dad is Lawyer

2012-09-07T08:34:00.000-07:00

Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking one day. "My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy.

"Tommy," replied the second.

"My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy.

Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer."

"Honest?" asked Billy.

"No, just the regular kind", replied Tommy.

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