Ignite Her Passion

I Was Tired of Rejection

Nick — Sun, 01 Feb 2009 08:22:00 -0700

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I have heard it all: from "I have a headache" to "I'm really tired" to just plain old "I'm not in the mood". And each time it felt like rejection. I used to think: "I am such a looser - I even get rejected by my wife!" It was not a good feeling.

So I'd try pouring on the romance and expect her to throw me in bed. Did she? No. That made it even worse! It felt like the ultimate rejection! Here I was doing all this "stuff" and ... nothing, nada, zip. I had a lot of resentment and she did, too. We couldn't understand each other. She thought I only wanted her for sex and I thought she didn't care about me.

That was three years ago. But now everything is different. So - how did we get out of it? How did we turn it around? The truth is stranger than you think. The truth is the opposite of what you'd expect.

But first, let's look at why she was "rejecting" me:

She felt an "obligation" to have sex
She felt pressured
She thought that I only wanted sex - and it didn't matter if it was her or someone else
She felt like an object
She felt unloved

But why did she feel this way? Because of what I was doing:

I was putting a lot of pressure on her all the time
After each rejection, I would redouble my efforts - which put even more pressure on her
I was asking for it constantly
I would almost beg for it
I'd reason with her: "you're my wife - husbands and wives are supposed to have sex."
I used to guilt her: "It's been so long and I have to do ‘other things' and it sucks."

Of course, this wasn't working and we were having a lot of arguments about all kinds of stupid little things.

We went to counseling. We went to sex therapy. We went to Church. We bought books like 500 Lovemaking Tips and Secrets (which is really good, by the way). When did it really change? It changed with Church and with MY attitude. Yes - with my attitude.

The major turn came when I honestly stopped expecting anything. I figured out that my best intentions were actually for ME - and not really for her. I was doing all this stuff for her - but it was really for me. And she could practically smell it was for me.

So what did I do?

I began to live a more Biblical marriage
I began to focus away from my needs and focus on her needs
I started showing her real selfless love
I began leading the household by example
I started serving my wife like a husband is called to do

What did she do?

She felt truly loved and accepted

That's all she did - but not really. As a result of her feeling loved without conditions, she was all over me. She began to take a serious interest in meeting my needs. She was free to be herself and to reflect the love I lavished upon her back onto me.

Notice: all I did was change myself. I could not and cannot change her. Only she can do that. I helped to create the environment and she was able to grow, change and flourish in that environment. And change she did - and we still both continue to change and grow closer. Things just keep getting better and better.

So that's the secret in a nutshell. This site is all about living this way. It has ideas and is from the heart. And I hope it can help make your marriage the way you want it to be.

Increase Her Libido - Give Big Hugs

Nick — Wed, 12 Nov 2008 05:56:00 -0700

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Even in light of our reduced romance lately, I want to keep her emotional libido tank full. Yesterday in the kitchen after Dawn and I got home, we took a moment and just hugged for about 3 minutes. That's a long time to just stand in the middle of the kitchen and hug. It was like a little mini vacation. I felt great after - it took much of my stress away. And I know she enjoyed it as well. We kind of got lost in each other's arms for those three minutes. It was very romantic and very good for us both emotionally and for our libidos.

I wondered if other couples do this kind of thing. We do it about twice a day - sometimes for only 30 seconds, but it's nice just the same. It allows us to connect on a deeper level than just a peck on the lips hello. It allows her to smell my skin and me to take in the scent of her hair.

This is a very good way to build that connection with her that:

Makes her feel loved
Makes her feel special
Keeps us connected emotionally
Improves her libido
Eliminates stress for both of us

Imagine accomplishing all that in just three minutes! Pretty cool!

So, if you haven't done so in a while, ask your wife for a minute of her time. Give her a nice long hug and get lost in her for a minute of two. If she releases first, then go with it - you don't want her to feel constrained - if she doesn't, then great. Either way, it will begin to build a romantic emotional connection between you. And it will help to increase her libido - and fill her emotional libido tank.

Working Too Hard is Bad for Romance

Nick — Mon, 10 Nov 2008 06:02:00 -0700

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Talk about romance reduction: I have been working on... let's see... 3 websites, a six week product creation workshop, a new application for internet marketing, and a client's website. All that along with doing some relationship coaching. The result is that every night for a few days, Dawn has gone to bed well before I have. I'm also up an hour erlier each day. I am getting tired again.

This is where I need to set some goals, stick to a time-line, make some sacrifices and make sure my wife understands what's going on. I am happy to say that she supports my endeavors - because I am excited about it and there is a light at the end of the tunnel. So in the mean time, I am still carving out time to do some special romantic things for her - but not to the level that I would normally. She totally understands. Man, I appreciate her!

It's important to be transparent with your wife. Be open and honest. Let her know when you're going to be busy for a long period and get buy-in from the inception. If you launch an ambitious project (like going back to school, for example), you're going to be tired, so be ready. The thing to look out for is getting tired AND grumpy. If you start biting her head off at the drop of a hat, you need to re-assess your priorities.

One thing I want to avoid in my case is any build up of resentment. So - although she supports me, I am still doing whatever I can to help around the house and take care of the kids - and I am sacrificing to do so. I love my family and will never let the pursuit of money get in the way of the true love of my life: my wife and kids.

I am taking a "hit" in the romance department for a few weeks, but I never lose sight of how important romance is to a marriage, so I won't let the hit to our romance be too big.

Conflict in Marriage

Nick — Sat, 08 Nov 2008 06:45:00 -0700

When you have two people living together and sharing everything, you are going to have conflict. It is unavoidable. However, conflict degenerating into a knock down drag out fight is completely avoidable. It is all in how you react. Not how she reacts - only you. You cannot control her - you can only control yourself.

The last time I had a fight with Dawn was when I was mad about her not doing something she always asks me to do. And when I brought it up, she got defensive and irritated about it. My "fairness meter" was buzzing like crazy - it's a trigger point with me.

So there I was - mad about an apparent injustice and she was there being mad at ME. Ugh! So I'm thinking about tearing into her, yelling, stomping off, etc. etc. And that calm still voice inside said "calm down, there is something else at work here." God was telling me to chill out and listen. The question I asked myself was "what good will come of it?" - if I yelled, or did anything rash, that is. The answer: NOTHING good.

"...everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry..."
James 1:19

So I waited and I listened. And after we talked and talked, I discovered that she was feeling like she had nothing to herself at all - and it had been frustrating her for quite some time. I was feeling the same way! No space, no computer, no bathroom, no sink - nothing was our own. And she wanted to be able to have a place or thing that she could leave in any state she cared to without having to worry about me.

Of course, we are married, so that is a hard thing to find - your own space. But it is important. After all, "one flesh" does not mean "one person". We are two different people, so we need some things or spaces we can call our own.

So - by waiting and asking "what good will come of it?" - I avoided a big fight and discovered a need that my loving wife has - as well as the same need in me. So we are working on creating space for the individuals in the house - as well as the couple. This how we made a positive outcome from conflict in marriage.

Romantic Anniversary Date

Nick — Thu, 06 Nov 2008 06:38:00 -0700

Dawn and I had a wonderful romantic anniversary last week. It was the anniversary of our first date. I wanted to do something nice for her and make it unique and special. So here's what I did (she had no idea what I was up to):

I got off work early and had the children watched by Grandma and Grandpa for the night. I got four bunches of flowers and cut off the flowers on three of them. I laid out the flowers from the entry way, down the hall and on the bed (which I had made after I cleaned up the room). I know what you're thinking: "then he was in the bedroom with candles blah blah blah." No - I was not even home by the time she arrived. On the bed I left her a romantic note about the first time I saw her. It was on a sexy dress I know she likes to wear. It said to be ready by 6:15, when I would pick her up.

I rang the doorbell at 6:15 and had the remaining bunch of flowers for her. I picked her up and we went to the restaurant where we had our first date and had a nice dinner. Then we walked around downtown by the waterfront and I took her to where we had our first kiss (which is also where I proposed to her).

We enjoyed the night out without the kids and just hung out and talked and shopped. It was very special. We got to reconnect and just "be."

I had no expectations of her reciprocating and she was very happy and relaxed. Later, things went very well for both of us.

Do the unexpected and bring the excitement and romance back. If you can't remember dates, just talk to your wife about some important dates and put them in your cell phone calendar with 5 day reminders. Then you will never forget again. When one of those special dates comes along, give her a romantic anniversary she'll love.

Get Female Libido Fired Up - Say the Right Thing

Nick — Thu, 23 Oct 2008 15:09:00 -0700

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Female libido is really sensitive. This weekend my wife and I were kissing in bed and everything was going well. However, at one point things changed. There was a connection that increased her desire from "I am doing this for you because I love you" to "I am doing this because I am so into you I can't stand it anymore and I want you." Making love to satisfy her husband is good, but her really wanting it is far better.

It was so amazing that the next day, she sent me an IM saying that she could not stop thinking about last night - how she felt a really deep connection and was thinking about me all day. When I got home, she found ways to get me away from the kids if only for a moment at a time to kiss passionately. It was amazing. It was exactly the kind of female libido enhancement that could make millions if it could be put in a bottle.

So what happened? What made the change? I thought about it and I know where the change was. The major turning point in her libido that night was when I said exactly what was in my heart and on my mind at the moment. It was the timing, honesty and sincerity of what I said that did it. I felt it and I said it without hesitation: "You're perfect for me." That is exactly what I was thinking and feeling - I was so happy that God matched me with such a wonderful woman and when I felt it I said it.

The timing was perfect because the emotion was honest and present. When I said those words, she sighed a loving sigh and her desire for me increased 10 fold. It was amazing. And the effects are still lasting three days later. She has been so affectionate and loving, it is just wonderful!

So - if you want to increase your wife's libido, open your heart a bit and when you feel happy to see her or have a positive realization about how much you love her - say it without hesitation. The timing will always be right because you will be acting from the heart. If she is not used to you saying such things, just explain that you are trying to be more open with your feelings to her. She'll love that!

Say the right thing - the thought or feeling that is in your heart - and you will discover how to increase female libido.

Getting Back to Romance - Bad Habits Die Hard

Nick — Sun, 19 Oct 2008 06:39:00 -0700

I'm trying to get back to a more romantic mode after a couple month dry spell. Why is it so easy to get into a bad habit? And so hard to break it? Last week I wrote out a 10 step plan to get back on track with romance and doing special things for and with my wife. The first item was to get more sleep so I would have the energy I need to focus on her. Then there was exercising more, taking an hour for just the two of us each night, etc. Well... bad habits are easy to form and really hard to break.

I am frustrated with myself because although I took the first step of writing down my goals, that is where it ended. I haven't done anything else on my list. In just two months we have collectively formed some really bad habits. One major thing is this: since my oldest went off to college, we have not had a dinner at the dining room table. Instead we have been eating in front of the TV. Bad, bad, bad - but oh, so easy! No setting the table or cleaning it up - each person just grabs a plate and digs in. But then we don't spend time as a family. Then the TV ends up taking up the night. One thing is certain: TV is bad for romance.

I have not been getting to bed at 11:00pm like I planned - more like 12:30am - after working on this site and my other projects. Another bad habit! Dawn has been doing her own stuff until late as well.

So - what does it take? How do I break the cycle? They say it takes 90 days to break a habit. But it sure seems to take less time to form one - especially a bad one.

I think I'll try a family meeting. Since my two youngest are only 15 months and 5 1/2 years, it'll be more like a meeting with Dawn and I that they get to watch. But the point is this: we all need to agree to work on this together and get back to being a closer family - not being TV mongers.

I think we should start with eating at the table as a family, limiting TV time and getting to bed earlier. After that, I hope the rest will follow - or at least come easier.

Stages of Marriage

Nick — Fri, 17 Oct 2008 07:03:00 -0700

The stages of marriage happen to every couple. They usually happen in the same order. Some couples have no idea what is in store and they fool themselves into thinking that the tingles and the butterflies will last forever; so when challenges come along, they are unprepared to cope.

If you know what's coming then you can be mentally ready to stick to it. Knowing that the stages of marriage you are going through are normal helps stave off divorce.

Too often people expect their marriage to be different from the rest: "we'd never do that" or "not us - we are SO in love!" People want the movie marriage with the happy ending. What they don't see is what happens after the movie ends - so here it is in a nutshell. The chart below shows relative happiness as it relates to each stage as time passes.

Stages of Marriage and Happiness

Newlyweds - passion is at a high, everything is great and ideal expectations that this will last forever are set
Honeymoon - everything is still great - your daily routine is taking shape
Adjustment - you are going to have to change - someone else's needs are ever present - you have to become less self centered
Reality - this is for the rest of your life and your high expectations are not met
Resentment - sets in when unrealistic expectations are not met

At this stage is where you have to make very important choices. Some people live out their lives and marriages in this stage of resentment and get bitter over time. Others give up and get divorced. These people never achieve or experience lasting true love. But in a lasting happy marriage, the right choices are made.

Effort / Commitment - This is where a choice is made. Spend the rest of your live resentful, give up and go from marriage to marriage or make the effort and go for the prize.
Everlasting Love (Consummate Love) - this stage of marriage is life long and the most rewarding. At this stage, each spouse is more concerned with taking care of other's needs more than their own needs; and by doing so, each person's needs are met in a loving way. The passion and romance are back and here to stay. This is the prize.
Blips - no marriage is perfect. There are still disagreements and arguments. But at this stage, they usually lack the anger, attacks and selfishness; arguments can be productive and learning experiences.
Marriage gets better and better for those who stick to it and make the effort to grow together.

God created marriage so we can grow and become better human beings. Marriage can bring us closer to each other in a passionate loving life long relationship, it also brings us closer to God. This is the prize and the final stage of marriage.

Make Her Feel Special with Consistency

Nick — Wed, 15 Oct 2008 06:48:00 -0700

Have you ever asked your wife what makes her feel special? I did recently. Just point blank: "Dawn - what makes you feel special?" I expected to hear about things I could do or get her or say to her. But her answer surprised me. It was about the things I do every day for her that I have made part of my routine. She loves that I make her coffee every day and that I run my fingers through her hair when we watch a show at night. Of course it is not the same for every woman, but after talking with some married friends about it, I found a common thread: consistency.

If making coffee for your wife makes her feel special, then do it for her consistently. If you make a cup one day and then stop, how special is that? If she loves to have fresh flowers in the house: make sure they never die - get her flowers every 7 days and put them in a vase for her. If she loves that you take care of things when you say you will: do it every time.

But start by simply asking. It may seem awkward, but if you are sincere and honest when you ask her, she will open up. Make certain that you listen intently. And ask for clarifications if you need to. Then follow up without saying you will - just start doing those things - or being that way. And do it or be it consistently.

You might be surprised - In my case, we also got into what annoys her about me - some crude things I do. There wasn't much, thankfully. But what she did say made sense (if I put myself in her shoes) - so I am working on it. And that in itself makes her feel special - because I listened.

Great Marriage

Nick — Mon, 13 Oct 2008 07:09:00 -0700

Want a Great Marriage? Many men gripe about their marriages. However: any man can have a great marriage - when he looks to himself for the changes. That was rather blunt; because it is true. When you try to change your wife expecting that her changes will make for a great marriage, you only build resentment on both sides. You build resentment in each of you for two reasons:

You cannot change someone else - when you try, they resist and resent you.
When you expect her to change and she resists, your expectation is not met and turns to resentment.

Now you have double resentment for all your efforts. So how on Earth can you make the relationship grow? (not change: grow)

This will sound really odd, but there is wisdom in these words: when you forget your needs and take care of her needs, your needs will be met.

Ask yourself this question: when you do something for your wife, what do you expect for it? For example, when you cook her a nice meal and clean the kitchen, and for unknown reasons she does not thank you and get all snuggly, do you get angry inside? If you get angry, you had an expectation that was not met. If you had an expectation, then you really honestly did not do it for her - you did it for what you would get. You did it for what you would get out of it.

Expectations can only lead to resentment. In addition, you anger will show through - which sends a message to her that you only did it for "one thing." So when you let go of expectations, you will also let go of your anger and resentment. Easy? No. It takes practice and effort.

Where does this come from? The bible speaks directly to this in several places:

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.
~ Philippians 2:3-4

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her... ... In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church - for we are members of his body.
~ Ephesians 5: 25-30

Husbands are to love and care for their wives as Christ loved and cared for the Church. How did Jesus Christ care for the Church? He says how in several places, but most succinctly here:

"... For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many."
~ Mark 10:45

Want to make your marriage great? When you do something do it for her out of love - and do it for the good feeling you get from loving and serving your wife as a great husband. Be a great husband.

She will feel the lack of expectations. She will see the joy and love you have in doing things for her. She will feel safe and free within your marriage. And she will begin to grow. The marriage will begin to grow. Husbands are responsible for tilling the soil so the marriage can bear good fruit.

Again - remember: there is up-swing for you - - when you let go of filling your own needs (save taking care of yourself physically and emotionally via healthy habits) and focus on filling your wife's needs; your needs will be met. Cool, huh? This is the first step in how you can have a great marriage.

Christian Marriage Not Just for Christians

Nick — Sun, 12 Oct 2008 06:55:00 -0700

When I mention Christian marriage, I don't want to exclude other faiths or non-faiths. I am Christian, and I have a great marriage. However, this does not mean you must be Christian to have a great marriage. I know several couples in great Christian marriages and several couples in great "non-Christian" marriages. The reason I consistently use Biblical marriage principals as a basis for a marriage advice and suggestions is it works.

The non-Christians I know with great marriages unknowingly have many aspects of their marriage in line with Biblical marriage principals. And it is in large part due to these aspects of their marriages that they are successful. So - for people of other faiths or agnostics or even atheists reading these posts, please take what you can from it - anyone can learn from other models of marriage. When Husbands begin to look to themselves for change, rather than point their fingers at the other half, marriages tend to turn around. When husbands begin to be leaders and lovers of their wives, marriages turn around.

One of you put it best when you wrote: "... I have a whole new look at my marriage and my wife. I never realized that MY attitude was affecting our relationship, I feel better about myself now and I can tell you that my wife is much happier now. Again thank you thank you thank you."

This blog is not just about passion - it is about building, restoring or even rescuing marriages. The truth is: passion is a great motivator - so if a husband comes here trying to find out how to improve his wife's libido, great - that's a fine place to start. Why: because passion in marriage is a good gauge of the rest of the marriage. When everything is going well in the bedroom, sex accounts for about 10% of a relationship - but it is the barometer of the relationship; because when things are bad in the bedroom, sex becomes very important - it seems like 90% of the problems (and lack of it leads to temptation, resentment and affairs).

In reality, problems with intimacy are just the symptom - the problems are deeper. In a high percentage of situations, if the husband takes the initiative (regardless of who is to "blame"), the marriage will turn around. So, please read with an open mind and get something out of IgniteHerPassion and Christian marriage principals.

Marital Problems, or more to the point: Husbands Cause Dreams of Divorce

Nick — Thu, 09 Oct 2008 06:19:00 -0700

In an article by a self proclaimed "steadily married woman," this "everycouple" wife dreams of divorce. She describes her husband as not a bad man, but a "moderately bad man" like every other man married to every other woman. She tells a tale of her hum-drum annoying marriage and all the things that continually disgust her and annoy her about her husband. She goes further to state that every woman she knows is going through this "Mid-Wife Crisis" - she states:

"...when I say Mid-Wife Crisis, I mean the middle-of-married-life kind... ...As one girlfriend remarked, it's the age of rage - a period of high irritation that lasts roughly one to two decades. As a colleague e-mailed me, it's the simmering underbelly of resentment, the 600-pound mosquito in the room. At a juncture where we thought we should have unearthed some modicum of certainty, we are turning into the Clash. If I go will there be trouble? If I stay will it be double? Should I stay or should I go?"

Apparently there are many, many women who feel this way. Is your wife secretly one of them?

Men: read this article - The Mid-Wife Crisis: I'm Dreaming of Divorce. Then come back here. This is important. Many of us men have scratched our crotch, picked our nose, smelled our armpits, farted loudly and done much worse in front of our wives. Why? We are way too comfortable and complacent. Men are pigs at heart. We are generally dirty, smelly, drink from the milk carton, leave the toilet seat up, forgot to flush, armpit scratching pigs. Do you think your wife loves you for all that? Nope. She loves you - in spite of all that. Lucky.

When we were trying to win the hearts of our wives, we hid all that dirt and grime under a nice shirt and clean pants. And we made sure to exit the room to fart or to blow our nose with a tissue if something was up there that needed to be extracted. We would never think of letting one rip or sticking our finger in our nose when our date was sitting next to us. I would hold a fart all night long if I had to until I could get to a restroom or at least about 1000 yards away from my wife when we were dating - it was not easy - but worth the effort.

So what happened? Do you think that once you won her heart and put that ring on her finger you could stick her heart in a bullet proof trophy case never to worry about it again? If you did the things she finds disgusting on your first date (things you don't even think about or hesitate to do now), do you think that she would have gone on a second date with you? Probably not. No second date = no marriage.

So you want to relax and be yourself? Good. But give your wife the common courtesy that you would give a stranger - would you fart loudly in an elevator full of people? I hope not. Give your wife the same consideration: leave the room - or at least apologize. If you need to be gross, and we all do from time to time (yes, I have some pig in me), then have a guys night out with your buddies - fart, sniff and pick to your heart's desire if you need to get it out of your system. But at home, be a gentleman to your wife.

Although you have become one flesh in marriage - you have not become one person. She is an individual with a desire for a husband - not a pig. She is not you. She does not want to see certain things and bodily functions that you should keep to yourself. Being a man is not only about leading and loving - it is about extending your wife MORE courtesy than you do to strangers. It is about being selfless, humble, AND courteous. Lead by example - show your children how to be a gentleman and a husband. The ultimate expression and measure of manliness is reflected in how you are as a husband and a father.

If you keep this in mind and don't act like your wife is just one of the guys then you can prevent her from dreaming of divorce.

ChristianMarriage.com is Wrong About Christian Marriage

Nick — Wed, 08 Oct 2008 06:17:00 -0700

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At ChristianMarriage.com I found what I initially thought was a great resource on Christian Marriage. As I got into reading the site, I began to see the fire and brimstone attitude that has driven so many away from Christ. ChristianMarriage.com seems mired in the Old Testament.

The site calls on Old Testament Law and seems to level judgment and threats against those who are sinning. The first thing that ChristianMarrage.com should know is that Christians are not to pass judgment on anyone. Christians are commanded to love people - all people - to attract them to Christ; not condemn people and drive them away. And they should know that they (the pastors at ChristianMarrage.com) are not sin free - we are all sinners - we are human. That is why Christ came: to extend His loving Grace and Forgiveness to all of us in spite of our sins (when we accept his free gift of Salvation).

But that is not the worst of it! ChristianMarriage.com actually makes the bold assertion that Christian husbands should be allowed to take more than one wife. They say that concubines are ok and good. Wow. The justification? That King David was a polygamist. They maintain that since the Bible says in 1 Kings 15:5 that "David did [that which was] right in the eyes of the LORD, and turned not aside from any [thing] that he commanded him all the days of his life, save only in the matter of Uriah the Hittite", it makes polygamy ok for Christians. They also point to other Old Testament history of men with more than one wife.

The fact is that all men fall short of the perfection of Christ - for He was the only Spotless Lamb - which means that even though David did what was commanded by the Lord, he was still a man and a sinner. There are many arguments I could use, but I only need one: what does the Bible specifically say about marriage?

God made Eve from Adam. Each has one counterpart: one man, one woman. Adam did not take his daughters as wives. He had one wife which is God's design for marriage. "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh." - Genesis 2:24. This statement is repeated in the New Testament in both Matthew 19:5 and Ephesians 5:31: "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh."

It says specifically the two become one in marriage. Not "the two or more become one." Not "the two become one and then another can become one with them." Not "the three become one." It refers specifically to two. Marriage is modeled after Adam and Eve. It is not modeled after Adam, Eve and Jane.

Also, in the New Testament, when referring to husbands and wives, the singular is always used.

Ephesians 5:28 ...He who loves his wife loves himself. Not "He who loves all his wives loves himself." And in Eph 5:33: "However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband." Not "wives" or "wife and/or wives."

And the final proof about Christian Marriage... in Mark 10 Jesus Christ specifies even more clearly in his own words:

Jesus replied. "But at the beginning of creation God 'made them male and female.' 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.' So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate." (emphasis added)

Christian Marriage = One husband and one wife.

I think I would rather listen to my Lord and Savior than to some sinners (not an insult: for all men are sinners) over at ChristianMarriage.com. (What a waste of a great domain name... sheesh! - Don't be misled, by the way...)

Bring the Romance Back

Nick — Tue, 07 Oct 2008 06:01:00 -0700

OK... I'm back - again. Why the long absence? The very short version: out of state funeral for my Grandma, son off to college, semi-vacation, side business, two little ones at home and a full time job. I honestly do not understand how people can handle having more than three small children all in sports, clubs etc. God bless you and keep you strong if you are one of those.

With life moving so fast, it is easy to get tired: very tired. And when you're both tired and the house is a mess, it is especially hard to find energy for romance. I have to admit: in the past two months I have not done anything "special" for my wife. Of course, I am helping around the house, doing the dishes, sweeping, folding, yada yada yada - still serving and loving her, but nothing special - just keeping my head above water.

So - how do I get out of this funk? How can I get back to the spark, the youthful fun and that elusive in-love state that is so easily replaced by complacency and routine? (Granted - it's only been a couple of months of this rut, but why would I let it go on any longer?)

Side note... I have to say this: God bless my wife. She has been wonderful to me - even though she is tired as well - we have been supporting each other through this. I am so blessed to have her by my side. Thank you, Lord!

These are the top ten things I am doing/planning - and you can do - to bring the spark and romance back into marriage (in order of importance):

Sleep. Yes, I said sleep. Romance requires energy. I am useless when I am exhausted. I am setting a time to turn off the TV - and more importantly for me: to turn off the computer. An hour after that: bed. I need 7 to 8 hours each night.
Time to read. I need to get back my time to read the Word. When I am reading the Bible daily, things just get better all around. If I am not sleepy, I can read.
Pray more together. I need to pray more with my wife. A recent poll showed that Christian marriages suffer the same 50% divorce rate as the rest of the world - BUT: Christian husbands and wives who pray together staye together 90% of the time - far better than the rest.
Time to talk. That hour mentioned above - time to talk with my wife - about anything and everything.
Eat right. I need energy for romance. Not for sex - for romance. I need to have energy to fuel the motivation and excitement behind coming up with and executing special plans for my wife. So I need the right kind of fuel for my body and mind.
Exercise every day. Of course, everything is better when you are fit - energy is better, mood is elevated, and romance is better. I currently work out twice a week for a total of about 4.5 hours. But adding just 15 minutes a day on my off days will keep my energy up and consistent all week.
Get things done. With all this new energy, I can get things done - not crash on the couch. 30 minutes of intense cleaning a night during the week will free up at least one evening and the weekends for fun and family. Free time and energy leads to romance.
Flirt. Having energy and a boosted mood makes me want to flirt - with my wife of course. I do it via love notes in e-mail and chat, since I work at a computer most of the day. But I also send cards to her work and call her on my lunch break or on the way home just to say hi. She likes that.
Give her time to relax. How? Give her a glass of wine or make her a bath or just get up and go. On a couple of days, I will take the kids to the park or to the grocery store for an hour so she can decompress.
Re-institute date night. I think I can arrange for the kids to be watched every other Friday or Saturday. Time for just the two of us away from the house and the kids is critical to our romantic health.

As I write this I am realizing that almost 50% of the items on list above are things I need to do to take care of myself. Is that selfish? No. If I do not take care of myself, how can I take care of my family? How can I lead if I am tired, depressed, worn out and unmotivated? I cannot. So I need to take care of myself. I need to be healthy. I need energy. I can boost my wife's energy or I can drain it. I would rather boost it. And the romance will come back.

This is not theory: it is fact. I have been doing this for quite a while now. It works. But God sometimes throws everything at you at once. He uses trials make you stronger. When you are having a hard time or are suffering, remember Romans 5:3-4: "...but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us."

So go through it and come out a better man. You need to go through rain to appreciate and cherish the sun.

Female Libido Explained - Make Her Libido Thrive

Nick — Thu, 28 Aug 2008 06:56:00 -0700

When dealing with the female libido, we men have a hard time thinking outside of our paradigm. If you start touching your wife, you think she should respond the way you would if she touches you. But the female libido does not work this way.

If you're sitting on the couch and your wife suddenly slides her hand to your inner thigh and onward, you're probably going to be ready to drop everything, take her to the bedroom (or just start wherever you are) and make love with her. That's sums it up for many men. Men have about two buttons. Women have many more.

However, if you're watching a movie and out of the blue, YOU slide your hand up her thigh, you can bet she will be less than ready to go. It is obviously much more complex for a woman to get turned on for making love. You need to fill her needs.

The top four female libido enhancers are:

Feeling loved
Feeling wanted
Feeling safe and secure
Romantic anticipation and excitement

If you want her libido to be at a high point tonight, take care of all the above... here's what I suggest...

Let her know in advance. Be playful about it. And exercise tact. Start in the morning by giving her a really tender and passionate kiss good bye (not deep, just passionate). Tell her you wish you had time to kiss her more, but you have to go - let her know that you will be thinking about her all day long.
Send her a message via e-mail, cell text or IM chat. Tell her you keep thinking about that kiss and how you look forward to seeing her tonight. Tell her you cannot wait for the kids to go to bed.
When you get home, give her another passionate kiss hello. Try to remove as much stress factors as you can. Remember that stress drives the female libido into the dirt. Clean up a little - do some dishes - and make sure she sees you doing it. But don't say a word unless she asks - then tell her you just want to make her evening a little more relaxed.
Spend some time outside just talking with her. Try not to get on work subjects or home project subjects. Sit close to her and hold her hand. Listen to everything she has to say.
If you have kids, after they go to bed, keep the TV off - tell her you want to spend some time with her. If she drinks wine, get a glass and invite her into the bedroom. Chat, kiss, etc. Don't be pushy, take time and get her really warmed up. After a bit, she'll be taking you for a ride.

Note: remember - never have "expectations" - nothing is a sure bet. She may have something else stressful going on in her head. However, doing these things will bring her around eventually. When you show disappointment, all the effort will be for nothing - she will feel like you "only did it for sex." Do it out of love for your wife. The sex is the icing on the cake. Your goal is to foster the top four things her libido thrives on over the long haul: feeling loved, feeling wanted, feeling safe and secure, and romantic anticipation and excitement. You should also feed her emotional libido to further get her libido on the rise.

Try it. Your wife will appreciate the day long romance - and you will appreciate the spike in her libido.