Okay, well, apparently every month or so I get a wild hair and decide I’m going to offend 99% of the world’s population. Last time, I went on a tear about productivity blogs. This time my foe has grown. Welcome, in the red corner, weighing in at one berzillion pounds, the undefeated Facebook.

Ding! Round 1

I’m starting off the round with a pretty wicked feint. I have to admit I actually think Facebook is pretty amazing. I mean, you can leave messages for your friends, chat with them, find someone to have sex with, send people fake beers, play fake cards, check your fake horoscope and about 80 zillion other mostly not-real things.

Not to mention, you can’t really go complaining too much about something that is just an application. Until it’s put to use, it’s just an inert thing. Like a chainsaw, which is just sort of ho-hum until you saw someone off at the ankles. At which point your family picnic becomes a whole different type of awesome.

So the problem with Facebook is with the people who use Facebook. For everything. All the time.

Instead of living.

Living is awesome.
Pretend living is only pretend awesome.

I think it’s cool that people want to send me a fake beer over Facebook. I’m glad I can refuse to join everyone’s fake mafia group. Or let everyone know that I just became a fan of fake not dying. Or that 84 people just compared me to 84 other people and think that I am without a doubt taller/funnier/likely to fail/smelly/most like William Shatner.

My beef isn’t with the intentions; it’s good to be on your friend’s minds. That’s what makes you friends.

My beef is with the fake. I’d rather meet a real person in real life for a real beer. I’d rather refuse to join a real mafia group in person than refuse to join a fake one online. I’d rather not die in real life than just click a button that says I vote for not dying. I’d rather spend a good half-hour in real conversation looking in someone’s real eyeballs to determine what they think of me than be part of a survey. I’d rather get into a real fight than be challenged to a fake duel online.

I bring this up why? Two reasons:

One. Use your time wisely, and don’t wonder why your income is lousy when 4 hours of your day are devoted to your MySpace and Facebook profiles.

Two. From what I’ve been reading, it seems employers across the nation are starting to look toward Facebook networks as part of their hiring process. A large Facebook network must mean you’ve got friends, clients, customers and know how to do business.

Yeah, but not really. Not at all in fact.

It takes zero effort to make a friend on Facebook. It doesn’t take even a single word of actual conversation. No social graces. No manners. No problem-recognizing or problem-solving ability. No ability to cross the street without getting hit by a taxi. No ability to give a real handshake, not one of those clammy limp ones that afterwards makes you feel like you need to take a bath in Purell.

Nor does a network of zillions mean you’ve ever sold even a single product, had a conversation with a client or stepped out of your parents’ basement in the last decade.

What it probably means is that Iron Maiden fans really tend to stick together.

Or that someone has spent an ungodly amount of time learning to speak Klingon.

The internet is an awesome place for networking, for sure. Absolutely. My entire livelihood is provided by the existence of the internet, so I’m not about to start bashing it.

But don’t make the mistake of substituting a real life with stuff you do online.

And don’t make the mistake of hiring someone with whom you have a conversation like this:

You: “So…tell me. What are your qualifications for this position?”

Facebook Guru: “I have high-score.”

You: “K. Uh. High-score at what?”

Facebook Guru: “High-score on the internet. I win.”

You: “Oh. Wow. I wasn’t aware they were really keeping track of that.”

Facebook Guru: “w00t!”

Instead, maybe hire someone with, you know…skills and stuff.

In which Charlie reveals why people might be dropping you from their Twitter lists like you’re a poisonous puffer fish coated in hot lava and rabid Saint Bernard slobber.

I‘m sure there are an infinite number of reasons why people might choose to drop you from their Twitter lists. I’m sure someone, sometime, with no thought about it, will drop you simply because they had a funky bagel for breakfast. That said, it’s fairly likely that two main overriding rules are the essence of any unfollow. If you’re the impatient type, stick with these bolded statements and call it a day. Then go make me some cookies¹:

Remember why people are listening to you and then give them something they want to hear.

Each little tweet takes up a tiny bit of time and is, in essence, a brief interruption. Use that time wisely.

Those are fairly broad and general ideas, so I’m gonna break them down into a few specifics that will make you go, “Hmm,” “Ahhh,” and stroke your chin wisely.

A commonsense guide to using Twitter

The basics are already covered

Every single person on this planet eats, drinks, sleeps and uses the bathroom. Unless it’s really news, it probably isn’t really news.

If you just ate a real live pterodactyl or passed a fire hydrant through your digestive tract, by all means report it to the masses. If not, consider the newsworthiness of such circadian items before letting us all know.

Nothing disastrous about sharing personal things, but minimize it where you can. Give us the goods!

Who does it right? @sushiday. Awesome Twitter user and blogger. She transforms food into something I really care about, regardless of the medium. And that’s saying a lot for a guy who rarely remembers he needs to eat at all.

Don’t JUST be a reTweeter

If people are following you, it’s because they want to hear what you think. I’m all for supporting my friends and reTweeting when something awesome comes down the interwebs, and I’m not saying it should always be about you. Part of the magic about Twitter is how reTweets can turn something awesome into something awesomely viral in a nano-second.

But it sort of needs to be awesome first. “Bread belongs on sandwiches,” isn’t really worth the reTweet.

So reTweet the awesome stuff or come up with original Tweets of your own.

Give us stuff we can’t get elsewhere

I’ve been seeing a lot of inspirational quotes floating though the Twitterverse. Mark Twain and Martin Luther King and Helen Keller are all alive and well on Twitter. Not a bad thing; some of their quotes are real doozies and they were magical people.

But remember that there are books and websites for this type of thing. Also remember that dead people, by definition, are no longer coming up with unique and inspirational quotes. “Carpe Diem” is old news for most of us now. And also remember that we’re not following MLK or Twain…we’re following you.

Go ahead and quote something old and well known, but don’t forget to be unique as often as you can. Give us a quote of your own, eh?

Who does it right? @jillkoenig. Jill does a splendid job of mixing inspiring old quotes with her own business acumen, personal tips, punchy adages. She’s the epitome of pithy.

Leave the TV out of it

Do you know how much I care about television? While it’s on…just barely slightly above zero. When it’s off…zero. When I’m on Twitter…even less than that. Nobody cares what you’re watching on TV and I’m guessing they don’t care who your favorite American Idol contestant is.

I guess you could make the argument that you’re letting your personality shine through by showing followers what you do and who you are when you’ve got free time. But I’d counter that if your personality is based on television shows…mmm…you got some thinking to do. And then you could further argue, but it would come out like, “Brhuyc, juadhbl, aiyha,” because there’s really no way to argue with me.

Remember why people are following you to begin with

While blog newbies still do it and always will, probloggers have for the most part caught on that going way off topic isn’t a good thing to do with their blogs. Unfortunately, Twitter goes that route a bit, probably because it’s still in its infancy and it is devilishly easy to post to Twitter.

However, just because it’s easy to post doesn’t mean you should. Grow your brand when you can. If you don’t have anything earth-shattering to report, it’s totally fine to not say anything at all. And when you do get around to Tweeting, make it on-topic to yourself. Report on cars if you run a car blog. Report on graphic design if you run a graphic design blog. Report on new products if you’ve got ‘em. Remember why people are listening to you, and then give them something they want to hear.

Who does this right? @John_Dickinson. John runs Motionworks, a great blog about motion graphics. On Twitter, John is completely and totally invisible unless he’s reporting something having to do with, you guessed it, motion graphics. I don’t know of anyone who keeps as on-topic as John does. And now that I think of it, I don’t think I’ve ever seen John tweet something to the general community that was only meant for one person. Which brings me to the next point…

Twitter ain’t no chatroom

Subjecting all nine-thousand of your followers to a conversation you’re having with ONE friend is a lousy way to go about things. Unless the conversation is really insanely awesome and meaningful. It’s sort of like being on a subway in New York, while some guy is on his cell phone talking to his friend about his latest conquest or his grocery list or something. It’s invasive, in that really boring, “why must we all be subject to this,” sort of way that makes you equally want to be in a coma and hit someone with a large brick.

Also, realize that while YOU may be having a chat with @Joe, a lot of your followers might not be connected to @Joe at all. This means your followers are only seeing your side of the conversation, and that leads to an awesome string of Tweet lameness that looks like this:

You: “Doing good, you?”
You: “Dinner, then a movie.”
You: “Usually just olive oil, maybe a little salt.”
You: “Yeah, I remember that.”

Great. Awesome. Thanks for that really awkward half-conversation.

Remember, Twitter has a direct messaging feature which allows us to talk to @Joe without confusing everyone else. Use it unless what you’re saying is meant for everyone.

Tie in your job to your personality:

If you’re a graphic designer (and therefore have followers interested in the life and times of a graphic designer) Tweeting “my son just crapped his pants,” isn’t the best use of the medium. “My son just crapped on my Wacom tablet,” is more fitting and will strike chord with fellow designers, even those who don’t have kids.

Or better yet, add some real value: “My son just crapped his pants and it inspired me to create some unique Photoshop brushes (link).”

Don’t just be a journalist…be interesting:

Most people have sources for worldly news already, so when passing on current events add some personality to it. Instead of saying, “News on George Bush (link),” say something like, “I always knew that George Bush was a grundle (link),” or something. We can get news anywhere, but there’s only ONE place where I can learn what YOU think about the news.

Respond when people write you:

There’s one particular person I used to follow that I must have written a dozen times. I never once got a single response from him. I said before that Twitter ain’t no chatroom, which it ain’t, but to ignore that many messages without even a peep is super bad manners. One-sided communication starts to make you feel pretty invisible after a while.

How well or poorly you communicate (yes, even on Twitter) is a representation of how you do business. Make sure you’re not scaring people away.

Who does it right? @MenWithPens. James Chartrand of Men with Pens comes on Twitter nearly every day with a “good morning.” And he’s chatty. If you write James, he’ll write you back. He runs a six-figure business but still has time to talk and act like a human on Twitter, various blogs and everywhere else you find him. Hmm…interesting…wonder if there’s a connection there?

Twitter can help your business, make you friends and increase the strength of your empire. So use it, but remember to use it like a human living amongst other humans.

The next post is going to be so insanely incredible, if you don’t read it, it will probably take years off your life. Better subscribe now, eh?

¹: You may be wondering what sort of cookies to bake me. I would say any sort of cookie that goes into my mouth.↑

Networking makes a lot of people feel dirty and arrogant. That’s because most people network like they are dirty and arrogant.

Which isn’t to say you actually are dirty and arrogant, but rather that your technique could use some polishing. Or maybe you really are dirty and arrogant. In which case using great marketing techniques won’t really work because then you’ll just look like a dirty arrogant person who has tricks up his sleeve, thereby making you dirty, arrogant and devious.

See, old-school networking (the kind we’re used to) is all about “me.” You know what I mean because you’ve been there. Might have been at a high-school reunion, or after a business meeting with colleagues or after some big-time finance seminar. Some dude with a nice suit and disgustingly perfect hairdo came up to you and let you know all about how awesome he was:

“I’m a marketer for a multi-national company. I win awards for the work I do. I’ve been thinking of moving on and starting my third billion-dollar company, but frankly my firm couldn’t get along without me. Oh…and I can eat an entire poppy seed muffin and not a single seed gets stuck in my teeth. That’s how slick and awesome I am.”

Or the used-car salesman attitude: “I’m the best salesman in the area. I got a plaque last year. Yeah, and check out my tie. I won it. It was made from the skin of a rare bird that is now extinct. Thirteen children died while stitching this tie together, but, you know, it’s cool because I get it dry-cleaned.”

This isn’t networking. This is acting like a human resume and hoping for the best.

Networking, by definition, means expanding and growing your empire into new areas through the means of new people.

If people want nothing to do with you, mmm, your network hasn’t grown. Nope.

So what is the trick of networking?

The whole secret of networking comes down to a single three-letter word:

You.

Meaning the opposite of “me.”

Networking, much like marketing, is best done when you’re showing the other guy what’s in it for him. The line into poor networking is crossed when the focus shifts to the person standing in your shoes. And unless they’ve been stolen or you’re awfully confused, the person standing in your shoes is you.

Don’t talk about yourself. Talk about them, at least indirectly.

It’s not always the easiest thing to do. When someone asks you what you do for a living, it’s pretty hard to NOT talk about yourself. The secret is to go right on ahead talking about yourself or your company or your product, but do it in such a way that you’re talking benefits and not just tooting your own horn.

Examples of effective networking

People aren’t always going to ask you what you do, but you may find yourself drifting into answering it anyway and doing a lousy job of it. Having a good answer for the question is a great way to cover your bases and come up with a suitable elevator-pitch.

How to answer the “What do you do” question.

Wrong: “I work at a consulting firm.” Wow. How interesting.

Right: “I consult people who aren’t quite sure what they want to do in life.” Instant rapport with anyone who isn’t quite sure what they want to do in life.

Wrong: “I’m in marketing.” Sorry…I just went into a coma. What did you say?

Right: “I’m in marketing and show individuals how to get more clients, regardless of the type of business they’re in.” More clients = more money = universal interest.

Wrong: “I’m in HR.” Sounds awful. You tell me you’re in HR and I immediately think you’re the person who fires every person in the universe.

Right: “I place creative individuals into high-paying creative jobs that fit their style.” Hey, I’m creative. Tell me more!

Get it?

Two birds, one stone

There are numerous benefits to networking and marketing like this:

1. You cease to look like a total prick. Which is good news, especially for total pricks.
2. People love to hear about themselves and they love to hear what’s in it for them. So you’ll have rapt attention when you say stuff.
3. It is an automatic weeding-out process. If you tell a lumberjack that you’re in creative hiring, like our example above, he’s not going to be too interested and the conversation will rightfully suffer a quick death. But if you tell a graphic designer the same thing, they get interested and now become a targeted customer. Give them a business card or brochure and you’re that much closer to earning new business. This would never have happened if you just said, “I’m in HR.” Yawn.

There are millions of dollars waiting for you in this post, if you do it right. The next post I write will also be bringing home the bacon, unless I think of something entirely different. Which is likely. Subscribe now and you won’t might not be sorry.