Why Doesn’t She Want to See Him Again?

He feels that women over 55 want to have that love at first site feeling again.  That experience of being swept off their feet, taken out, entertained, but they don’t really want a relationship.  Therefore, if they don’t get that flutter in their stomach from him, they have no interest in pursuing a relationship.

The Common Denominator

What might be apparent to everyone reading this is the other common denominator in this equation, him.  I tried to steer the conversation in this direction, attempting to get at what could potentially be standing in his way - himself.  What might he be doing or not doing on these dates that could be causing these women not to want to see him again?

Ego or Accurate?

He insists it’s the women, so I brought it up with some of my other clients in his age group.  Some of the men agreed whole heartedly, saying that women over 55 are too set in their ways, they’ve forgotten how to appreciate a man, they don’t say thank you, and they take the men for granted.  However, several of my clients also disagreed and said that while it never feels good to be rejected, you need to put your ego aside and figure out what you might be doing that is keeping you from getting a second or even third date.

What do you think? I’d love to hear from the ladies 55+, do you truly want a relationship? or just a companion to take you to dinner on occasion? Do you prefer to spend your quality time with friends and family?  Sound out and let us know your thoughts!

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The Dinner Date

By far though the most common date is the dinner date or lunch date.  These are a little more difficult to figure out what to wear.  Denver is a casual town and you’ll see jeans everywhere you go (including the theater and opera).  This makes being single and dating in Denver even more difficult.  Should you dress for the town or dress for the occasion? My advice is to dress to impress, but don’t go overboard.

The Guy

Guys, you can’t go wrong with a pair of dress pants and a shirt with a collar on it. Whether it’s a polo/golf type shirt or a button down you’ve got it easy.  Even a t-shirt with a blazer is acceptable as well. You should expect your date to be more dressed up than you are, but you at least need to be in the same ballpark as she is.  Make sure your shoes are polished, your nails are clean and trimmed, and don’t wear cologne.

The Gal

Ladies, I always advise you never to wear jeans on a first dinner date.  There are so many issues with jeans – are they too tight, to short, too faded, to ratty, etc. Just avoid them.  You might think tight jeans look great on you, but I hear from the guys all the time “Her jeans were too tight.” Instead consider wearing a skirt, Capri’s, a cute dress, something besides jeans.  Make sure you don’t show too much cleavage, your shoes are comfortable enough if you decide to go for a walk after dinner, and don’t wear perfume.

Bottom line

It’s a first date, make a good impression!  Agree? Disagree?  Have some other suggestions, let us know!

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Is the Exclusive Talk Really Necessary?

I was recently speaking with a new client who was born and raised outside of the U.S. She asked me what I thought about the “exclusive” talk, you know that sit down, heart to heart where you ask the person you are dating if you are dating each other “exclusively.” She was wondering if it is really necessary? She said where she comes from nobody has the exclusive talk and she thinks it’s ridiculous, but her girlfriends have told her she has to have that talk at some point.

Why Have the Talk?

This got me to wondering why the exclusive talk is even necessary. I never had the exclusive talk with anyone I was dating nor with my now husband when we were dating. What has happened that now makes this conversation mandatory in the eyes of singles everywhere? Seems to me you should know when you are dating someone exclusively, so why ask?

Clues to Exclusivity

If you are wondering if you are in an exclusive relationship there are clues everywhere to tell you. Is s/he available when you call? Does s/he call you back in a timely manner? Do you spend most of the weekend evenings together? Have you met his/her friends? Have you met his/her family? When you look at your relationship is there really time for the other person to be dating anyone but you? How are you introduced to his/her friends? On the flip side, if the other person seems to be cagey about their plans, seems to contact you only a couple times a week, is missing in action for days at a time, and introduces you as “My friend so and so” chances are one of you is not being exclusive.

But I Want to be Exclusive!

The argument for having the conversation is typically because one person, and let’s be honest here it’s usually the woman, wants to be exclusive. Having the conversation let’s her know where she stands and helps her decide if the relationship is going anywhere. Unfortunately, most women want to have this conversation earlier rather than later which can end up pushing the guy away and making him run in the other direction, even if he is already exclusively dating you! My advice is to skip the conversation, watch for the clues and go with the flow. What do you think? Sound off here.

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Mystery

Gentlemen, pay attention - - ladies like a little mystery, a little intrigue, a little hard to get, but (and this is a big BUT), they also like nice guys.  So if you are a nice guy, how do you balance that with a little mystery? For starters, you don’t need to put all your cards on the table within the first few dates.  Hold some close to your chest.  Yes, she might be the most amazing woman you’ve ever met.  Yes, she might be everything you are looking for and more.  No, she doesn’t need to know all that right away!

Be Nice

Don’t get me wrong, you nice guys out there don’t need to turn into jerks.  What you do need to do is SLOW DOWN!  If this is the woman you think you’ll spend the rest of your life with, take your time, she’ll be around for a while.  Don’t rush it and don’t push her.  A nice compliment scattered here or there during the first date is plenty and a quick follow up email saying you had a nice time is fine.  But guys, skip the cards, flowers, gifts, and other very personal and sometimes over the top gestures for later on, when there is already a relationship in place.  Don’t use those things to try to force a relationship; otherwise you might scare her away.

Do Nice Guys Finish Last?

Are you a nice guy? Have you found that perfect match?  If so, what if anything did you do differently? Or if you are still looking do you struggle and are you starting to believe that nice guys finish last? We’d like to hear what you have to say!

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Your List.

Everyone has a list of must have’s and/or deal breakers when they are looking to meet their match.  The list typically has the important things on it, but can’t possibly have everything on it.  Once you make that list isn’t it true that you are agreeing to compromise or settle on the other stuff?

Nobody is Perfect.

When she was told she was settling she was surprised.  In response she said “Don’t we all? Isn’t the fact that we end up with someone, settling?”  Her reasoning, nobody is perfect, therefore accepting anything other than perfection is settling.  We all settle, it’s just a matter of what we each choose to settle on.  Some, like my client, settle when it comes to looks or height.  Others settle on similar interests, religious beliefs, hair color, size, etc.  What will you settle for?  Agree or disagree, we’d love to hear what you have to say!

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Starting Simple - The Dinner Date.

We will start out easy, with the basic dinner date.  We all probably grew up with parents who tried to instill us with good table manners.  How many of us heard some of the following:

• Don’t chew with your mouth full.
• Get your elbows off the table.
• Excuse yourself before you get up from the table.
• Clear your plate.

What rules did you hear that have been ingrained into your brain? We all understand there are some basic rules of etiquette that apply.  However, in this new, more casual world of dating, some basic dinner etiquette may have fallen by the wayside.

Basic Dinner Etiquette.

The number one rule of etiquette when dining out, as determined by onepoll.com, that you NEVER want to violate is clicking your fingers at the waiter/waitress.  Rude, rude, rude!  Not to mention a complete turnoff to your date.  Make sure to always treat the wait staff with respect, how you treat them is a sign of how you’ll treat your date should they ever fix dinner for you.  However, this one is in a close race with getting drunk on a date.  Just don’t do it, know your limit and stick to it.  Other things you should not do when dining out with date:

• Licking the knife or plate.
• Burping
• Picking your teeth with your fingers.
• Slurping soup.
• Talking about sex or bodily functions.
• Not leaving a tip.

Do you have some other pet peeves that drive you crazy when dining out with a date?  We’d love to hear your opinion!

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Scenarios

Let’s look at a couple scenarios to better demonstrate when it’s chasing and not just being polite.  Of course, the appropriate time to say thank you is when the date is ending.  If you say thank you then, and you should always say thank you, then there is generally no reason to follow up with an additional thank you.  If, however, you were too nervous thinking about that good night kiss and completely forgot to say “Thank you” then in my opinion it is OK to call or send an email the next day to say thank you.   If during the date, or at the end, you and your date discuss going out again or calling each other, then there is no reason to call and say thank you the next day- you’re chasing.

Definitely Chasing

If, during the date, there was no discussion of a future date or a future phone call, but just a polite ending, a woman would definitely be chasing if she were to send a thank you email or phone call.  She is trying to initiate more contact and chase!  If there was a discussion of a future date or phone call and it’s been a week and she hasn’t heard anything, sending a thank you - definitely chasing.

Being Polite

The confusing territory comes up when it is later that evening or the next day.  Many people have been raised to always send a thank you note.  In this day of internet dating snail mail addresses aren’t always known, so those letter writers must resort to email.  In this case, if you are one of those people and absolutely can’t resist sending a thank you, do so, but follow these simple rules.  1) Send it soon, not days later.  2) Make it brief with no mention of going out again or speaking again. 3) Consider it the last communication you will make to him - do not chase!

What Is Your Opinion?

I’d love to know what you think, especially the men out there.  Guys, if you receive a thank you do you think she is chasing you? Is there ever a time when you think it’s ok?  Ladies, do you send thank you’s? and if so why?  Post your opinions here!

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Don’t be Rude or Wimpy.

Ah, the infamous wimpy way out - I’ll just let him/her know via email or text message that I don’t want to see him/her anymore.  Hey, at least I’m letting the other person know, that’s polite right?  WRONG!  I know, it’s difficult when you are single and dating to tell someone you don’t want to see them again. As sensitive human beings we don’t like to hurt anyone’s feelings, but it actually feels much better when someone tells you politely and personally that there just isn’t any chemistry there for them.  Agree? Disagree? We’d like to hear from you.  Are you someone who let someone down via text or email? Let us know why you did it that way.

The Text/Email Reply

Here’s another complaint I’ve heard lately, responding to a voice mail with an email or a text message.  Are we all really that busy that we can’t pick up the phone and call someone back?  If you are single and dating, you want to make a great impression.  Sure, it’s OK to text someone to let them know you got their message.  However, let them know you will call them at a certain time when you are more free to talk and then call them!

Tough Issues for Singles

Whether you are dating in Denver or some other town, meeting the right person is tough.  Add technology to the mix and it’s hard to figure out the right thing to do.  Try thinking of it this way - would you respond to your mother or father in this manner? I know my mom would think she did something wrong raising me if I sent her a text message when she has left me a voice mail and asked me to call her back.  Give us your take on it?  What do you think?

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Whether you are dating in Denver or single somewhere else in the world, everyone gets nervous before a first date.  There is advice galore out there for what to do and not to do on a first date.  But all of that advice is useless if you don’t start the date off on time.

What Time Should You Arrive for a Date?

Early? Right on time? Fashionably late? My advice is 5 minutes early.  Why is that?  Well, think about it.  You are waiting at the bar for your date to arrive.  Maybe you have been stood up before, maybe you haven’t, but either way there is always some doubt as to whether your date will show up this time.  The longer those clock hands tick past the start time of your date, the more those feelings of doubt start to build.  By the time you arrive, even if it’s just 5 minutes late, you are starting out with a big black mark, even if your date says they understand.

You Know You’re Late

As soon as you know you are going to be even just a few minutes late, give your date a call.  Don’t have the number?  Call the restaurant or bar and have them find your date and let him/her know.  Even if it is time for your date to start and you just found a meter, so you are almost there, call and let your date know!  Got a last minute phone call before you left the house or the office but think you can make up time, touch base with your date.  Disagree? Have some other advice? We want to hear it, post a response!

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And yet, here you are on your first date. Or at least the first date in years.  Dating when you’re past the teenaged years is a bit different and there are some crucial things to know to help make the experience as positive as possible.

Whether you met Online or someone set you up, that first encounter can make or break your outcome in ways you may not have even considered. Just as first impressions are everything in a job interview, the first date can be instant success or immediate dismay - and much of it you can control with a few simple steps.

Who are you? Really?

Are you 45 and posting your photos on the Internet from when you were thirty-something? Back in the days when you didn’t worry about that touch of gray or those extra 20 pounds? Well, just how long do you think you can fool your date once you meet in person?

I was absolutely shocked when I met a guy for our first date after hooking up on the Net. His photos were incredible! He was fit and absolutely tall, dark, and handsome. Yet, as I walked through the nearly empty bar 3 times looking for him, wondering if he’d arrived yet or not, one thing had stood out from our phone conversation … he had said, “My hair is much longer now than in my pictures.”

No kidding. I finally walked up to the only man with long hair (a ponytail, actually) and asked him if he was John. He was. All extra 30 pounds and 20 years more than his photos led me to believe he was. I couldn’t believe this was even the same man.

Need I say more? If he couldn’t be honest with me about who he was, what else might yet be up his sleeve? I didn’t stick around to find out.

And gals, while your Glamour Shot may seem downright hot to you, most men I chatted with say they prefer “real” photos. They want to know what you’re going to look like even in the morning without your makeup. Most of us can look pretty hot with enough makeup and a stylist …but who are you really? And truthfully, most guys asked women to please cut back on the makeup … high maintenance women are a turn-off, they say.

And if you are 20 pounds overweight, then that’s who you are! Either do something about it or accept yourself as you are and remember that not all the guys out there are Mr. Universe either. We all fight aging and the weight game in our middle years. And everyone likes something different. So be who you are and post a recent photo of you with a big smile and having fun! Let your personality shine through! After all, your looks will continue to change over the years, but your personality is who you are forever.

Shut Up and Listen

Getting to know each other enough during the course of one simple date requires both parties to each take turns listening and speaking. Sometimes folks are so nervous that they either can’t seem to say two words, or more commonly, one person vomits information ad nauseum, driving the other one completely nuts.

Men, it seems, in the typical job interview, want to be sure they tell a potential employer absolutely everything about themselves, so that nothing is left out.

Women, on the other hand, have learned that to express their interest in men, they should keep asking men questions to show their attentiveness. The result is oftentimes a guy who talks forever, a woman who keeps giving him reason to, and then both parties end up lost at the end of the night as the guy knows almost nothing about the woman and the gal thinks all he wants to do is talk about himself!

What men might not know is the unwritten rule that women have about taking turns when they talk. One person goes first, talks a while, then turns to the other and asks a specific question to open the door for the second gal to talk. Then the first gal intently listens. It’s our unwritten rule and it is always confusing to us when men don’t demonstrate this common behavior.

Equal listening and talking are key to getting to know your date - at least enough to learn if you have anything in common. And gals, you may just have to jump in and direct the conversation your way enough that by the end of the night, the guy you’re with knows at least as much about you, as you do about him. Otherwise how else are you both going to know if you have enough in common to justify a second date?

And if you absolutely can’t get him to shut up and listen, then odds are that’s going to be a problem in the long-run. If that’s the case … Pass … there are more fish in the sea!

Sex Talk

I don’t care if they’re teasing, flirting, or just trying to break the ice, mentioning anything to do with sex on the first date is downright inappropriate if what you’re looking for is a deep, long-term relationship with a guy with solid substance. Now if all you’re looking for is a one night stand, then accepting this kind of treatment is just fine.

The real irony of it is that we women have been educated to believe that if we give men sex (as soon as possible), then we’ll hook ‘em right away. Unfortunately, the reality of it is that when men get sex easily and right away, they rarely value the woman who gives it for long. She just wasn’t that hard to win, so they seem to figure that she was pretty easy for other guys to catch too.

Men need to EARN the right to date you, so respect yourself enough to recognize when those red flags are a wavin’ and leave the first-date-sex-talkin’- jockeys to themselves. There are better men coming down the pike, but you have to know to be picky.

Most gals want their men to get to know them first before they feel comfortable opening the sex conversation up for discussion. They want to know that they are liked as a person before they want to get to get to know them intimately. And even if it’s just verbal banter, (”Listen, I’m not trying to get up your skirt - I just want to get to know you!”) sexual suggestions are definitely the wrong way to open up a relationship.

Gals - if that kind of conversation keeps you enthralled, then you’re only telling the guy that those are the games you play too. So be sure to recognize the big red flags guys are throwing out when they talk this way. If they aren’t respectful enough on date number one to treat you like a lady, they sure aren’t going to improve over time.

So take your time. Save the sex talk for later. Be a lady. And set your boundaries.

Make Dating Like Shopping

These are only a few steps to setting the stage for a great first date. Of course if you’re really turned on by tall, dark, and handsome and you end up with blonde, blue-eyed, and chatty … I can’t help you there, except to say that an open mind usually has more choices!

But always remember that dating is like shopping … you know what I mean here.

There is not just one perfect little black dress. There are short sleeved, sleeveless, strapless, and silky. We all have something in mind that works for us. But no one says you have to buy the first one that shows up on the rack!

Just as you guys probably don’t buy the very first hammer you find at Home Depot. They all have a price, a feel, a look … and thus you can relate to shopping for your gal as well.

So know what you want, then go shopping. Enjoy the journey. Try many on for size. Remember that one size doesn’t fit all. Most importantly, be yourself and know what you want.

There’s someone for everyone out there … You may just have to be patient and kiss a lot of frogs before you find a prince.

This blog post is courtesy of Mary Jo Fey, RN, MSN, “The Voice of Dating, Mating, andRelating” who leads a dating Meetup group in Denver by the same name.  She is also a columnist, speaker, screenwriter, and award-winning author of 4 relationship books, including: “Please Dear, Not Tonight: The Truth About Women and Sex,” “When Your Perfect Partner Goes Perfectly Wrong,” and “The Seven Secrets of Love.”  She can be reached through her website at www.mydateschool.com or byphone at 303-841-7691.

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