Movember Open Mic Challenge

Since we’ve started Inglorious Hipsters I really haven’t given this blog a second thought. I know, I know, you miss all the cynicism and barely researched articles…or more likely you don’t. It amazes me that according to Google Analytics this site still receives regular traffic. It’s probably just nerds looking for Bayonetta porn, which has historically made of 60% of my hits. I’m glad I didn’t write an article about furries, I guess.

Anyway, Inglorious Hipsters is putting on a event, and I’m writing here to tell you about it! Microphones & Moustaches: The Movember Open Mic Challenge will give Edmontonians the chance to be a rock star, comedian, poet or whatever for a night! Basically is amounts to you saying “I will to X for Y amount of Movember donation dollars.” Whether that X is grabbing a guitar and covering Wonder Wall, reciting a Robert Frost poem, or performing one of Tommy Wiseau’s dramatic moments from The Room, it is entirely up to you. Do your friends have hidden talents? Do you want to use it to embarrass them? Well you can! Entice your buddy’s to perform with an large donation to the Movember cause!

It all goes down Sunday, Novemeber 27th, 4pm – 9pm, at the Wunderbar Hofbrauhaus! See you there!

Jeremy Die and I have been working for some time on a new web comic and we finally managed to put everything together and publish it last week. If you are a frequenter of my written work (which if you are, congrats, you are the only one) then I hope you will also dig our new web comic, Inglorious Hipsters.

Why would I? Aside from the irritation of each game requiring some combination of the Wii’s 8 million peripherals, I can’t even slide my Firefly DVDs into the thing! So I turn to the PS3, which will play all my DVDs, Blu-rays and *cough* legally acquired downloads.

Since the advent of DVDs Nintendo has taken a strong position to the video format; that position is “fuck DVDs!” Neither the GameCube nor the Wii have the capabilities to play any universal video standard. Instead Nintendo has repeatedly opted for some proprietary disc format that prevents gamers from using their system for anything other than games. Somewhere up in Koopa’s corporate castle an executive douchenozzle is far too concerned about copy protection than the direction the video game industry is headed.

Today it was revealed that the Wii U, the Wii’s successor to be released sometime in 2012, will also not play DVDs or Blu-rays. Hooray.

Video game consoles are no long one trick ponies, they are the hub for all our digital entertainment. The convenience of a PS3 playing virtually every video format we can throw at it is so bloody convenient and brilliant that it is the first piece of equipment I turn on we I get home from work ready to vegetate on the couch for an hour. Wouldn’t it be nice if the Japanese gaming giant followed suit and created some kind of Nintendo entertainment system?

Instead, for the third time, Nintendo misses the point.

Motivations
X-Men: First Class feels like what Lord of the Rings would have been if Miramax got its way and all three books were crammed into a single film. There is so much happening in this movie but not enough time for it to happen in, and character development suffers severely. Most of the character’s motivations are either unclear, or completely baffling.

Now if I was any kind of comic book nerd I could probably fill in the gaps myself without the movie spoon feeding me all necessary backstory, but I’m not. My love for comic book characters is mostly born from the cartoon shows I watched growing up in the 80’s and 90’s, so I’m willing to accept the argument can be made I hated First Class because of my general ignorance when it comes to X-Men canon. Fine.

My reply to that is it shouldn’t matter. A well crafted script should give us all the information we need. When Angel Salvadore (Zoe Kravitz), for example, turns her back on her fellow mutants to join the nefarious Sebastian Shaw (Kevin Bacon), her reasons should be clear to us. We can then either sympathize with her decision or hate her for it. If a character’s motivations are unclear then we don’t care and we end up with a very flat scene

Romance? Sure, why not?
At the end of the film Moira MacTaggert (Rose Byrne), a CIA agent working with the newly minted X-Men, kisses Professor Xavier (James McAvoy). I’m sure this has something to do with Moire being romantically linked with Professor X in the comics or some bullshit. I don’t know and I don’t care. All I was thinking when it happened was “where the fuck did that come?”

At no time was there even the slightest hint of sexual tension between McAvoy and Byrne. It was just, “well, okay they’re kissing now.” I don’t know what it is about Hollywood that thinks we’ll buy two people falling in love because they’ve been in the same room together at some point. X-Men: First Class does this constantly.

Raven (aka Mystique), played by Oscar nominee Jennifer Lawrence, falls in love with Beast (aka Hank McCoy) in the very first scene they appear together. In their just second scene together, Mystique creepily tries to kiss Hank (Nicholas Hoult) while he’s drawing her blood. I did not make that up. Even more ridiculous is Hank first wined and dined her with a little candle light diner before asking to take her blood for research. What a smoothie, right ladies?

I prefer Leonard McCoy
Speaking of Beast, his motivations lie in the “baffling” category. For those of you who don’t know the origins of Beast, Hank McCoy wasn’t always a big blue teddy bear. His mutation started out as simple case of over-sized feet. Ghastly looking, to be sure, but he seemed to have no trouble hiding them in a regular sized pair of shoes. In fact, the foot disguise worked so well that Hank’s CIA handlers hand no clue he was a even mutant! So why Hank spent the entire film whining about being different and wishing he could be normal, when clearly he was getting along just fine, is beyond me. Quite frankly it’s insulting to the other mutants who had fairy wings or devil tails.

As I understand it, in the comic book Hank McCoy not only had big feet, but big hands as well, which would have played way better with the “I’m sad I am different” sob story if he couldn’t hide it.

While I’m ragging on Beast, he’s a shitty scientist. Even I know that the first stage to a cure for any disorder doesn’t start with human testing. Before you try and cure your big feet, you should probably be sure it doesn’t do the opposite and give you big everything else. What’s worse is Hank tries to convince Mystique to have an injection party with him and his untested serum. Good job, there, super boyfriend.

The big crappy ending
The film hit its climax as with the USA and Russia on the brink of nuclear war. Through a series of mediocre fight scenes the X-Men defeat the big bad Bacon and halt a nuclear extinction. But for humans, the specter of dangerous mutants poses a grave threat and the order is given to annihilate Xavier and his merry mutant men. We might care about this sudden betrayal, except there is virtually no time spent in the film properly setting up the tension between humans and mutants.

This is something the first X-Men film did very well, opening with several scene featuring discrimination and injustice. X-Men: First Class, even though this is basically an origin story, spends almost no time on these themes. Most mutants seem to be doing just fine, in fact; decent jobs, big boats, castles. They aren’t hurting, that much is for certain. So when humans turn on the supposedly misunderstood mutants, it rings hollow.

That’s my two cents. I’m sure I’ll be hearing a lot about how wrong I am. So enjoy filling my comment box Jordan!

Some responses to my post, which included an email from my mom, were very consoling in tone. “Don’t worry, Gregg,” the responses read “there is someone out there for you.” I, of course, appreciated the reassurance, but hearing it made me feel like a wounded animal some kid put in a shoe box to nurse back to health.

I don’t even know how to respond to that. Thanks, I guess? It’s comforting to know that at some as yet undetermined future time I will in fact meet a currently unknown “someone” who is predestined to be “for” me. Yay?

If my regret were a newspaper retraction it might look something like this:

In “Aging Single Men” I broke what I consider to be the cardinal rule of the internet: the web is not your bloody diary. Nothing boils my thick, cynical blood like an online pity parade. I see it happen on Facebook and Twitter constantly.

“*sigh* My boss/friends/family are so mean, sometimes life is just a series of swift kicks to my tear ducts.”

“Some animal I had died five years ago today, please acknowledge my sadness with a textual frowny face.”

“I am a promiscuous woman who doesn’t understand why sleeping with every dude at work earns me the label of slut!”

Before I continue, because I’ve seen this last one a bunch, let me just suggest that if people are calling you a “slut” often enough for you to complain about it, maybe consider the possibility it’s because you’re going around town with a big old “Open 24 Hours” sign on your crotch. Reducing your hours to 9-5, Monday through Friday might help.

Where was I? Oh, yes! The pitfalls of laying out your drama for all to see online. In my case I noticed some folks attempting to help with the un-singling of Gregg Beever. Again, not that I don’t appreciate the effort, but I’m left thinking, like a streaker on Whyte Avenue, maybe I’ve exposed myself a bit too much. I’ve put out a signal that I’m distressingly without girlfriend, and who doesn’t want to date someone desperate, am I right?!

The truth is things are pretty good for this cynical blogger. I’ve got a fun new project I’m working on, the freelance work keeps coming in and I’ve met a ridiculous amount of good people this year, and it’s only May.

I’m starting to figure out being happy and content as a single is pretty much a requirement before you can be happy in a relationship. I believe I’ll keep trying to focus on that instead of laying out all my lady troubles on the internet.