For the past few months I’ve been without a stable home as I build a new life in Toronto. That means, a lot of housesitting, dogsitting and crashing on people’s couches. It just so happens that in this time, I’ve had very little intimate interaction with the opposite sex. Wanna know why? Because I have nowhere to take them home to, silly. It’s got me wondering about the proper etiquette of having sex in other people’s homes. I’ve done a little research into the subject of having sex while a guest and here’s what I’ve come up with. It should be noted that for accuracy, several Australians were consulted on this.

1. Don’t do it.

Most people I surveyed on Facebook are downright disgusted, perturbed and sickatated by the idea of houseguests spreading their legs and bodily fluids all over the furniture. If you can avoid having sex in other people’s space, do so.

2. If you’re going to do it, it’s somewhat acceptable to do it in the showers

If you absolutely cannot keep your pants on, take it all off and get in the shower, because that way you leave little to no evidence behind. Other places that are somewhat okay: closets, laundry rooms, bathroom floors or anywhere there are tiles, which are easy to clean. Just make sure you have the place to yourself so you can avoid any potential friendship-ending run-ins.

3. Be mindful of who you bring home

If you’re going to bring a guy or girl home to the place you’re crashing – which, please remember, is strongly discouraged but hey, we’re all humans and make stupid choices –  make sure he or she is not a drug dealer, drug addict or semi-homeless. It’s entirely your fault if the place get robbed.

4. Masturbation is a grey area

Jerking off in other people’s beds is not exactly welcomed but it’s also hard to completely prohibit. If you can’t keep your hands off/out of yourself, do so discretely and do your best not to make a mess. Informal survey: how many people travel with sex toys?

5. If you’re gay, it’s a whole different bag.

Says a gay male friend (who I’m pretty sure made this up off the top of his head): “Travel or host” is a common question in the gay community where hookups are often cyber-related these days. It really asks: Where can we have sex or be intimate?  It’s an honest question that reveals a little into your partner, especially if they can’t host. Why? Many using the Internet “to link” are also closeted, married, on the DL, couch surfing, still living at home or cheating. It means “We can’t fuck at my place because I don’t want you to see what a loser I am or get caught.” So it’s an important question. And common. Host or travel?

6. Roommate are totally fair game. Boyfriends/husbands aren’t. Unless it’s a threesome. 

If you’re crashing with a friend who has a hot roommate, you’re TOTALLY allowed to sleep with him/her. That saves you from having to sleep on a couch and you don’t have to worry about washing the sheets when you leave. Just don’t accept any invites from husbands or boyfriends. Unless you’ve been invited to take part in a threesome. Couch-surfing means you are a potential candidate for couples who are into experimenting, so don’t be surprised if you’re approached. Basically, since you’re the guest, the nice thing to do would be to go along with their fantasy, though you do have the right to say no. Be prepared to have another couch to crash on if you decline such an invitation, because shit is going to get awkward. Just don’t forget to leave a thank you note on the way out!

Hey reader! Did I miss anything? Tell me what your rules are when it comes to having sex while couch surfing. Email me at write@eliannalev.com, send me a note on Facebook, Twitter or leave a comment below!

Sometimes when I’m lonely, I take a few minutes to spend time with my Statscounter. Which is about every half an hour. Statscounter, for those of you who might not know, is a web traffic analyst tool. It tells you how many people visit your website, which links they click, what city they’re from and best of all, what search terms they used to wind up there. It helps me get to know you a little better. It also helps me understand what kind of things people are Googling to wind up on my site and in general tells me a little something about you, my reader. It makes me feel less lonely to know there’s people out there searching my site, purposely or (more often) inadvertently. Here’s a sampling of some of the more popular search terms people use to get to this blog, along some of the more, um, unsettling. Also, this is sort of like those lazy recap episode and a way to exploit old blog entries.

Search term: What Does Making Out Mean?

Search term variations: What does making out mean to a guy?,What does making out feel like?, What do I do when I make out?

Where you wind up when Googling this search term: Making Out the Make Outs

My thoughts: Apparently, there are a lot of people out there who don’t know how to make out. I imagine they’re either autistic or in their preteens. And if you think about it, we were all there at one point. But instead of practicing kissing your sort of boyfriend while your friends watched at lunch break, kids can just Google that shit to (potentially) save them from the awkwardness/a pretty adorable memory.

Search term: Kelly Oxford Comedian

Search term variations: Kelly Oxford hot, Kelly Oxford interview

Where you wind up when Googling this search term: Wanted: Svengali

My thoughts: Okay, in the last year, this is the number one search term that brought people to my website. I’m not going to get into how it feels to be a writer and have another more successful writer’s name bringing more traffic to your site than your own. I’ll leave it there because if I continue, I will start to cry and potentially up the risk of harming myself. That’s how it feels.

Search term: Erica Vanbriel

Search term variations:  Erica Vanbriel nipple dress, Erica Vanbriel pierced nipple, thierry mugler nipple dress

Where you wind up when Googling this search term: Hot Model Talk

My thoughts: My friend Erica was a muse for Thierry Mugler and is kind of famous for this one dress he made for her that centres around her nipple piercings. People appear to be to be interested in this infamous dress and have a hard time finding pictures of it. So the next best thing is reading about it on my blog. Oh, and Erica was also on an episode of Mantracker, so I suspect people Google her after the episode airs.

Search term: Two hot girls making out

Search term variations: two hot high school girls making out, two hot 15-year-old girls making out, two hot 14-year-old girls making out, 14-year-old lesbians making out in bathroom, two hot 13-year-old girls making out, girls making out with other girls

Where you wind up when Googling this search term: Two hot girls making out

My thoughts: People want to see young girls making out online. This is unsettling and I wonder what they think when they get to my site. The photo that accompanies the piece was taken when we were both of legal making-out age, but it still upsets me out that a good percentage of my readership is pedophiles.

Search Term: Bea Arthur

Search term variation: Bea Arthur Rufus Wainwright

Where you wind up when Googling this search term: Sit, smile and pretend you’re not stupid

My thoughts: Okay, so not that many people wind up on my site by Google “Bea Arthur” but if you do, my website comes up on the first page of links (though it keeps moving down). That is totally thrilling for me and I just wanted to share.

Honourable search term mentions: “How can I get my dad to say nice things about me to me” “its been awhile since I’ve had a boyfriend,” “I’m not age-appropriate for women my age,” “sexy legs cartoon painting,” “why are gay men so mean,” “how to sneak trying to get pregnant,” “a good story to get girls,” “chester cheetah gynecologist,” “clair danes’s pubes,” “define posicore mom,” “downtown Toronto why guys don’t make eye contact,” “eating one Ritter sport a day every week,” “how to place the blame on someone,” “ravers are overweight,” “vibrator to open jar,” “what is good about living your parents,” “why do hip hop artists hang around female pornstars,” “why do people make poisonous tacos.”

A friend of mine who’s known me and my family for a long time, once called my dad an “unintentional hipster.” I can see her point. He wears things like Cuban military hats (without irony), goes to Go Go Bordello shows and as we’ve discussed here several times, is nearly impossible to impress. For those of you who are new to this surprisingly popular segment on I’m a Good Story, my dad is a retired CBC editor, who used to be an experimental/cult filmmaker and got his start as an intern on Jesus Christ Superstar. He’s been making his own documentaries for years and has a bunch of awards, like two Canadian Emmy’s aka Geminis. For some reason I still have a hard time understanding, he’s the biggest curmudgeon with specific and often obscure tastes. It takes a lot to impress him. So every month, I use this space to show him a video, usually made by people I know, and ask him to tell me his thoughts.

This month, we took a look at my friend Louise Burn’s latest video, Drop Names Not Bombs, directed by Catherine Lutes.

Louise Burns “Drop Names Not Bombs” from Light Organ Records on Vimeo.

The video, which I was invited to take part in but couldn’t because I had improv class, centres around a karaoke party that is hypnotized by Louise’s alluring beauty. It stars a motley crew of familiar characters/my friends. Here’s what Avi had to say about it. I must tell you, his reaction surprised me. And just a warning, Avi’s first language isn’t English.

Avi’s summary: No storyline. It didn’t cross my mind. It was a combination of many colours, blue, pink. It’s very psychedelic so there’s no continuity. It’s not a story or a love story or anything like this. There’s no story like this, except the story of the lyrics. It’s a makeup video for a nice song and lyrics, but it doesn’t necessarily portray the lyrics, which I don’t care. It all together works.

Initial Thoughts: I like the song. I recognize the style as late 60s, mid-60s. Very psychedelic. I see your old friend, your old boyfriend in it. You guys are on good terms, right? I went to see the singer (Louise) here in Toronto but we had to leave because the sound blew out my eardrums. I hadn’t brought my earmuffs.

Overall: It’s a good song and it’s a very nice film. I don’t care what kind of picture she uses, but she does it well. I like the lighting. It looks more expensive than they probably paid. I know it’s low-budget production, but it looks good.

Say one nice thing: If I’ll remember something from the film, definitely it’ll be the lighting, the song, not the faces but a combination of the club, a party. It looks more like a disco club place that I used to go to in the 60s. I don’t know the significance of the piece. I can connect the voice to the colour. If I hear the song again on the radio I’ll connect it to some colours and images.

Were you impressed?: Yeah. I was impressed.

There you have it! We have a winner! I never thought this day would come! Apparently in order to impress my dad, you need to hypnotize him with psychedelic swirls and flashing colours. NOTED!

Hi reader? If you got a video you’d like my dad to watch, send me a link to write@eliannalev.com or leave one in the comment section below and don’t forget to press a bunch of the buttons below. 

There’s a podcast that completely fascinates me, the same way that Planet Earth might fascinate you when you’re on mushrooms. It’s called The Champs – I’m certain I’ve mentioned it before— and it’s hosted by two intriguingly fucked-up comedians and features a black guest. I guess the reason I’m so taken by this particular podcast is the way they speak so honestly about women and getting laid. Like, when I die and go to heaven and finally get a chance to listen in on all the conversations that had ever been had about me by guys I’ve hooked up with, particularly comedians, I imagine they will take a similar tone to the banter on this podcast. In that, it’s a tiny bit degrading, explicit and completely entertaining. I really suggest you listen.

Anyhow, on the latest episode, they talk at length about how to get sex on the road as a touring comedian. Tactics range from going to a local mall and inviting the girl at the makeup counter to your show, to chatting up the young lady who’s come with one other (female) friend. Their stories reminded me of an off-handed comment my mother made recently about the time a comedian hit on her in the 80s. It goes to show that as long as comedians have been making people laugh, they have also wanted to sleep with pretty strangers who come to see them perform. I decided to ask my mother some question to get the female perspective on this “phenomenon.”

Me: So a comedian tried to pick you up after one of his shows a few decades ago. Which one was it?

Rosa Lev: Jackie Mason.

Me: I know the name. Who is he?

RL: He’s a Jewish comedian who was very popular in the 60s, I think, I’ll have to look it up. He was trying to do a comeback so he was playing a small show in Toronto. I had never heard of him but my friends, who were much older than me, knew him from their youth. It’s very Jewish humour. So they took me.

Me: Was he funny?

RL: Yeah, it was really funny. I think he was rehearsing material for a show he was doing on Broadway, and then turned it into a CD or something. He did really well with that material. But there was no one at the club when we went to see him. It was me, the older couple I went with, and maybe two other people. It was really empty and I felt embarrassed for him. But he was really funny, we laughed our heads off, which is hard when you’re in a small, almost empty venue. He was basically talking right to us.

Me: So he was engaging with you?

RL: He did his material and when he was finished he asked if he could join our table. He asked my friends if I was their daughter, since he was around their age. They said no, that I was their friend. He asked if I was from Toronto. I said yeah. Then he asked what I was doing later that night.

Me: And?

RL: My friends said “We’re going to take her right home.” Then he moved on.

Me: How did you feel?

RL: We laughed about it.

Me: Were you flattered?

RL: Not really. How many people were there in the audience? And I was the youngest one by far. He was only interested in me because I was the youngest?

Me: Mom, you’re being modest, you were a power babe. I mean, you still are, but come on, you were a hot piece of ass. (Eds note: I’ve attached a photo below of my mom, a former model, when she was younger to hammer home this point.)

RL: Well, there wasn’t a lot of variety at the club that night. He didn’t have a lot to choose from.

Me:  It’s probably a good idea you didn’t go home with a comedian. Not only because you were happily married with two children but because you probably would have ended up as fodder. Instead, it ended up being the other way around. He ended up as your fodder. Or at the very least, he gave me fodder to blog about this week. I’d be skimped otherwise. Thanks Mom!

Hi reader. You know what I’m about to say right? Show me love by clicking one of the buttons below, leaving me a love note in the comments below or emailing me at write@eliannalev.com, oh oh oh and don’t forget to click here to Like this blog on Facebook. Hugs and kissyfaces!

Let’s talk about dreams.

Not the kind we have when we’re sleeping that, when recounting to our friends and family the next day, makes them tune us out.

No, let’s talk about the dreams that keep us alive by taking us somewhere far away from where we really are. The ones that permeate our head when we’re trying not to fall asleep during Sociology 101 in university. The dreams that fill our hearts and help us aspire to something bigger.

The focus of my dreams has varied from the whimsical to the not so out of reach. I’ve dreamed about what it would be like to have a pet lion and a pet eagle at the same time. I’ve also dreamed about what would happen if my current crush and I were the only two people to inhabit the earth. (Answer: We’d have a lot of sex everywhere.)

For the sake of this blog, I’m going to focus on the one dream that I’ve had since I was a teenager: For as long as I could write relatively well, I have dreamed of being a columnist. And recently, that dream came true.

This isn’t a unique dream for a writer. Everyone I know who puts words on page for a living wants to be a columnist. It’s the most prime gig you can get. On a regularly basis, an allotted spot on a blank page is devoted to YOU and YOUR voice. A column is basically the kingdom for your ego to reside.

Last fall, a friend who writes a column for the Metro asked if I’d like to take over while she took a few months off. Holy shit! Talk about a dream coming true! I eagerly agreed and got in touch with the editor. They asked me to do a mock entry, which the editor liked and I was told to file my first story within a week, along with a headshot.

Oh! A photo! My (admittedly pretty attractive) face would be accompanying my words in a publication that gets 500,000 eyeballs a day. What a thrill.

The week leading up to my first column entry was a busy one. I’d just returned from New York and had a pile of deadlines that needed taking care of. By the time I was to file my first entry, I’d completely forgotten about the photo I was suppose to submit alongside it, which I’d planned on getting a professional photographer friend to take. So, in a stressed and somewhat depressed state, I submitted this one, taken on my Mac’s photo booth:

So, my eyebrows could benefit from a plunk and my hair could use a comb, though I kind of like the ruffled, day-the-beach-look. But messy hair aside, I thought the photo was neutral enough to pass as my first column photo. I submitted it without much more thought. Here’s how it looked in the paper:

When I started posting links to my column on Facebook, I got a lot of great feedback. Then, people started commenting on the photo that accompanied my words.

“You’re a lot more photogenic than that photo.”

“That photo doesn’t do your pretty face justice”

“Do you want me to retake that photo for you? Really, I insist.”

I was starting to realize that my ego’s kingdom was slowly being destroyed by what I had failed to see as an undoubtedly ugly photo of myself.

The comments continued.

“You look like a crackhead! A pretty one though.”

“The only thing missing is a big hairy wart.”

OK! I GET IT! My column photo is ugly.

My dream of having my voice heard by probably the largest amount of people it’s ever been able to reach was largely overshadowed by the fact that I look like a varmint that lives in a humid sewer. When I used to dream about having a column, this wasn’t how it played out in my head.

My friend is now back from her extended vacation and I’m handing back the column to her, so grateful for the experience and exposure. I’ll miss walking on the subway, looking around and seeing at least a dozen strangers of different races, ages and backgrounds, reading a paper that I’ve contributed to.

Too bad the majority of them probably looked at my picture and thought, “Dude, that girl’s a dog.”

Here’s to dreams coming true.

Hi reader. I want to hear all about your dreams coming true. Email me as usual at write@eliannalev.com, or leave a message below or on Facebook or wherever you like to catch me. Oh, and while we’re at it, please click here  to LIKE the shit out of I’m a Good Story on Facebook. 

You know that clichéd question “If you could have dinner with someone alive or dead, who would it be?” I recently got to live that out with one of my heroes. Envious? Don’t be. I’ll tell you off the top, it was an uncomfortable experience that left me feeling like a big old dumb-dumb head.

The hero in question is a respected and adored Canadian broadcast legend. (I’m going to refrain from naming who she is, because I don’t want to be in bad standing with her by blogging about our dinner on the Internet. So you if need someone to imagine, how about picture Paula Deen’s glowing face, since she’s been in the news lately, and is a legend in her own right.)

When it was announced years ago that my hero was retiring, I cried, or at least clenched my heart, because the thought of not listening to her on a regular basis was heartbreaking. On-air, her presence was warm, thoughtful, astoundingly smart and personable. I wanted to be related to her. She made me listen, think and feel. I miss hearing the warmth of her voice.

Last week, my dad told me he was having dinner with a few broadcasting veterans he used to work with, including said hero, and asked if I wanted to join. I (obviously) said yes.

I had met my hero briefly at a Christmas party back in December. I’ve heard way too many stories of people having terrible experiences upon meeting their idols (the Bea Arthur/Rufus Wainwright one is pretty sweet) – this was not one of them.

Upon introduction, my hero was personable and sweet and later in the evening when she caught me staring at her wide-eyed from across a small group, she gently touched my shoulder and included me into the circle’s conversation. When my friends asked me what she was like, I described her as a Queen Angel. And I wasn’t exaggerating.

On the night of the dinner, I arrived at the restaurant early and nervously checked my iPhone as I waited. I didn’t want to be sitting there, upright with my hands folded, looking like I’d been eagerly waiting there, staring at the door, for too long.

When all the broadcasting vets and my dad finally arrived, the Queen Angel took a seat across from me. The moment had finally arrived! I was having dinner with one of the women I most admire!

Quickly the group of oldies launched into talk about what they’d been doing. Most of the table was retired, so there was a lot of travel stories and documentary recommendations.

I sat, listened and smiled widely. I didn’t exactly fit in.

Soon talk turned to the pros and cons of windmill power, the Plains of Abraham, The Ogaden War of 1977 and the bristling works of Christopher Hitchens.

I sat, listened and smiled widely – because was nothing else I could do. There was nothing I could contribute to any of these topics because I knew nothing about them.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned in my years as a journalist is that if you don’t know something, admit it. You’ll only look stupider if you pretend you do. But at this dinner, there was no way I was going to divulge how little I knew about the following (broad) subjects: history, literature, geography and science. I’d prefer to come across as a wide-eyed mute than show how ignorant I am in front of someone who I admired so much.

After the meal, my dad drove the Queen Angel home. She asked about what I’ve been up to, if I’d found a place to live since moving back to Toronto. I spent the next five minutes, babbling nervously non-stop about everything that’s been going on: My challenges hustling and networking, how I want to be based in two places, preferably Toronto and Vancouver, and how I’m currently really single. She sat, listened and smiled, until we dropped her off at her front door.

“Hold your cards close to your chest and reveal them slowly,” my dad said as we pulled away from my hero’s driveway. “You give too much away about yourself.”

He was right. But I wondered if, while in the presence of my most admired hero, it would have been better to stay mum on the boring details of my personal life or admit the fact that I’m completely unfamiliar with a lot of common knowledge.

I’m still not sure I know the answer.

 Alicia Tobin is a Vancouver-based comedian who likes to talk to nice people and nice animals.  She has a lot of questions that go unanswered because she is polite. She used to live near me but then that changed when I moved from Vancouver. When talking about heavy petting recently, Alicia wanted to know more about, well, a lot of things. Take it away Alicia.

Hi. This is Alicia. Is now the time to apologize to Elianna for thinking she was some sort of make-out bandit? Elianna mentioned having made out with someone— and feeling pretty close to my pen pal (Ed’s note…pen pals are technically people who write BACK AND FORTH, which Alicia has yet to cotton on to) I asked— what does making out mean to you because it seems like it means something different to everybody else right? Or is that just I? When people say— oh I made out with that person, my mind kind of goes blank – what do you think they mean?

Alicia Tobin: First question. Is it always clothes on?

Elianna Lev: Making out means the clothes are on. They can shift around a bit, up and down and perhaps to the side, but making out involves being mostly fully clothed.

AT: Hmmm, I think I am getting a clearer picture. Yup, unhunh. Is it not cool to take your pants off if you want to because you are hot? Pants are hot sometimes.

EL: Once the pants are off, it is hard to not go further. For me, pants off means taking things to the next chapter in the book of intimacy.

AT: Is it necking or Frenching? Also, I thought necking was Frenching.  Explain.

EL: When I hear “necking” I think about that game kids play on Fun Sports Activity Day where you have to pass the apple along with your neck. That said, Frenching DEFINITELY involves a lot of, if not all, tongue. When I was 12, I learnt FIRST HAND that the traditional way to French is to move your tongue in a clockwise or counterclockwise motion around your boyfriend’s tongue. I once made out with a guy who stuck his tongue out into my mouth and just sort of let it chill out there, without moving, like if I’d had pulled away, he’s just be standing there with his tongue hanging out of his mouth like a slug. It was confusing and not what I would describe as Frenching. I also dated a guy whose tongue mimicked a hissing serpent when we kissed. That thoroughly disgusted me.

AT: So I don’t need to bring an apple to the make out? That’s a relief because I already ate it. Can making out be everything except sex? I know that oral sex is still considered sex by parents, but seriously— it doesn’t count— OR DOES IT?

EL: Oral sex is not making out. Oral sex is technically foreplay, or a reward/perk me up/time waster, if you’re in a relationship. Example, if your boyfriend was just denied entry in the US and comes home all bummed out, you give him a bj.  However, when you’re single, oral is usually something you do when you’re drunk at a wedding or when you’re about to have some intercourse.

AT: Nope.  Not at the weddings I go to.  At the weddings I go to I focus on the beauty that is the sanctity of marriage, the union of two best friends whom are also deeply in love, the buffet, and the open bar.  Not in that order.

EL: Really? As a single gal, weddings are my time to shine. And by shine, I mean act super inappropriately and grind my ass into dudes’ laps and wind up in the bushes with someone I met only an hour earlier. I’m generally not that girl, but at weddings I’m totally that girl.

AT: Is making out okay on the first date?  Please say yes.

EL: If I’m super attracted to someone, yes, ‘cause I usually feel like I might as well try and get what I can get while I have this person cornered. But my gay friends have tried tirelessly to hammer into my head that the less you put out on a first date, the more that the guy will jerk off to the thought of you until you see him again. I guess that means there’s potential for the next make out to be really super hot.

AT: Making out is so fun right?

EL: Oh my goodness, it’s so fun.

AT: Have you ever made out with someone because you were bored? Or does this only happen to country girls?

EL: Lately the guys I’ve been making out with are all fellas who have no interest in me as a girlfriend, which makes it easier not to get attached, but still kind of sore for my self-esteem…but it’s not like my self-esteem has ever been a priority. I’m working on it. So basically it’s like, I can stay in and watch TMZ or go out and make out with a guy just for the sake of making out. Kind of a tough call but since TMZ is available online, I generally opt for the make-out option since as we said earlier, making out is so much fun!

AT: So, what makes you invite someone back for the make-out part deux?

EL: I usually hound the guy a bit or if he’s more into me, he’ll ask me out. It’s been a long time since I’ve been on the same page with a fella so it always feels a little game-y.

AT: Hmm, hounding—I like the sound of that. I have been told that I am a very good kisser.  I just wanted to put that out there.

EL: Ditto. I was recently talking to a make-out partner about people who aren’t good kissers and how weird it must be when they finally meet their match. Like those virgins on that TLC show.

AT: My friend once got paid to make-out with someone who was very hot. Is this a job?

EL: Yeah. In the same way that mailing your undies to men over the internet is a job.

AT: I do need a job but I also need my underwear. Let’s generate more income ideas later. Elianna, you are a real sauce pot! Thanks for all your advice and for being so good looking.

EL: Wow, that’s nice to hear. I wish some of the dudes I made out with said things like that to me.

Hi readers! Did I miss anything when broadly trying to summerize the term “making out”? If so, leave me a note below or on Facebook or via email, write@eliannalev.com or where ever else you find me. ‘Cause I love making out with you via the internet! 

Welcome to the second installment of Is Avi Impressed?, where I sit down with my dad and listen to him critique some of my favourite videos. The underlying purpose of this exercise is to sort through my father issues, which includes constantly vying for the approval of a man who is so ridiculously impossible to impress.

A quick briefing about my dad: He’s a high-brow, judgmental snob with an impressive list of filmmaking accomplishments. His resume includes Israeli cult and experimental films, Jesus Christ Superstar, The Littlest Hobo and most of the CBC’s prestigious news programming. He has a bunch of awards, including two Geminis aka Canada’s Emmy’s. Click here to read the first installment of Is Avi Impressed?, which proved to be ridiculously popular, to my surprise. In it, he defied Pitchfork by calling the video for Bronx Sniper by Mister Heavenly “a poor man’s Clockwork Orange.”

On the roster this week is the video Bad Choices, by the Shout Out Out Out Out, directed by my friends A.J. Bond and Chris von Szombathy. A quick perusal on both these fellow’s websites will conclude – and I’m putting it quite straight –  that they are both remarkably talented.

A.J. is a sharp and nuanced editor and director. When he makes a short film, it lives a full and robust life, making the rounds at film festivals, rather than go the tradition route most short films go —getting buried in the short video graveyard known as YouTube and Vimeo.

Chris is primarily a visual artist whose work makes me feel like my eyes might pop out of my head with amazement.  He is also my confidante when I’m having artist-related angst and uncertainty. He is a true artist.

To save time, I’m going to tell and not show my thoughts on their video in three short words: compelling, surreal and intriguing.

Well, we’ll see what Avi has to say, in his broken English, about it.

Avi’s summary: A guy gets up in the morning and can’t make up his decisions. The apples and oranges I understand but whatever with the mother and girlfriend. I didn’t understand that. Maybe it’s Oedipus syndrome?

Initial Thoughts: I like the effect. I like the lighting. I liked the Parkinson’s effect. Tourettes effect? How they made it shaky. He did it on an animation table to create all the effect? I wonder what macro he used.  The gimmick.

Overall:  It’s nice. It’s well choreographed.

Say one nice thing: It’s nice. It’s cute. There’s a few ideas there.

Were you impressed?: If you asked me to watch it again, I don’t think I’d be able to. I got the point. It’s not the type of thing that’s calling you to watch it again. But I like the band. It’s original.  As a filmmaker, I think they know what they’re doing.

Want to try and impress Avi? Send me a video at write@eliannalev.com or leave a link in the comments section below!

I’m one of those people who get anxious around New Years, because I have it in my head that if I don’t celebrate, I will be a big lonely loner loser who nobody loves. So usually a month before, I try to find a few friends to cement plans with so I don’t have to stress myself out to the point of developing a cold sore. As a result of my weirdly neurotic efforts, most of my New Years have been pretty decent. Yet, there’s one that stands out in my mind as the all time worst New Years, because not only did I feel like a big lonely loner loser, I really was one.

I was working as an anchor at a Vancouver radio station that billed itself as having the second largest English-speaking audience in Canada. It was an entry-level position so I was immediately assigned the shit-shifts. This meant weekends and overnights, 9 p.m. to 5 a.m. My job was to compile and write local, national and international news and read it on air, in between various programming, to approximately 174 listeners across Vancouver’s Lower Mainland.

Also working nights was Bob, the board ops guy. For those of you who might not be familiar with how radio works, board operators are paid $8 an hour to sit in front of a sound board and push those sliding buttons up and down. I made the mistake of being friendly to Bob, only because I once wanted to try one of his nine chicken McNuggets, which he would regularly eat as an appetizer to his food court Chinese takeout slop. I hadn’t had a McNugget in a while, and we briefly chatted about that. I guess this gave the impression to Bob that I was open to a friendship with him because he soon started Google stalking me.

“Are you the same Elianna Lev who once wrote something for Forget magazine and dated a guy from Hot Hot Heat,” he emailed me, at my work address, having clearly scoured my online existence. (This was about seven years ago, so it’s grown substantially since then.) I never responded and made a point of avoiding him when he approached. That didn’t stop him from wandering up to my desk and offering me a McNugget every chance he could get.

I was grateful for the anchoring experience, of course, but it couldn’t come at a worse time. I was already living a pitiful existence, having recently broken up with my first true love, who was a touring musician. In the months since we’d ended things, he’d met a go-go dancer in Ibiza, flew her back to Vancouver to live in the apartment we’d once shared, which was a few blocks away from the new place I lived in, alone.

I felt I had nothing much going for me at the time, except my career as an overnight news anchor. I was working another job doing listing for a magazine, so I spent the days sleeping and writing listings and the nights reading the news. I rarely got to go out or see my friends. I certainly wasn’t getting much loving. So when I was scheduled to work New Years, I was strangely numb to the idea of ringing in a fresh start alone in a radio studio, with Bob the opts guy.

News was slow that night, as it had been the whole holiday season. I pulled stories from around the world, mostly relating to festivities that were happening. In the long, boring minutes I had after I’d made up my cast and before I’d go on-air, I’d check my email. Even though I knew everyone was whoo-hoooing it up and not sitting in front of a computer like I was, I had absolutely nothing else to do.

My mailbox was empty, except for one note. One of the girlfriends from my ex’s band sent me a message on my MySpace wall.

“In Vegas at the Hard Rock Hotel! Miss you so much and it’s not the same without you!”

She was on the road, with her boyfriend, my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend, and the other girlfriends and band members, whooping it up in Vegas at one of my favourite hotels. I’d stayed there once with said ex-boyfriend, and had a lot of fun, lounging by the pool in a cabana, eating onion rings.

Now, I was alone in a radio studio, reading news to who ever it was that stayed at home on New Years and listened to this radio station, across from a creep who only seemed to live for chicken McNuggets and my online presence.

Bring on the good cheer.

In the minute leading up to the count down, I made my way into the anchor booth. There was a sports call-in show on air, with a host I’d never met because he never bothered to introduce himself to me. He counted backwards as I put on my headphones.

“10…9…8…”

I sighed and stared ahead of me at Bob. A year ago I was partying on stage at a giant New Years gig my boyfriend was playing. Look how far I’d come.

“5…4…3…”

At least the studio was on the 35^th floor, high above the city, so I couldn’t hear the echoes of the good times that were being had.

“…1! And now here’s the news!”

I leaned into the mic.

“Happy New Years,” I said in a voice that would have flatlined on a heart monitor. “I’m Elianna Lev with your news to 12 o’clock.”

I managed to get through the next four minutes of my cast, knowing that in five hours, the sun would come up and I could go home. Then, I could ring in the New Year by sleeping the day away, and hopefully dream about happier New Years to come.

Hi readers! First off, extra points if you can guess which radio station I worked at. Second off, I wanna hear about your lonely loner loser New Years stories. Email me at write@eliannalev.com or leave me a message below or press one of those pretty buttons below to share this with all your social networks…I’d really like that! Like really really like that. Have a safe and happy new year! And don’t drink and drive…it’s the stupidest thing you could possible do. 

Anyone with a Facebook or Twitter page in Canada was probably aware that the legendary pop superstar, Prince, recently toured through the country. The status updates were unavoidable.

People getting ready for Prince.

People lining up for Prince.

People being seated at Prince.

Prince was in the house and there was no way you could escape it, though I really, really wanted to.

When I was a teenager, Prince was my messiah. During those particularly imbalanced times, I genuinely wanted to have sex with him and had the opportunity presented itself to me, I absolutely would have. He filled my thoughts. Rather than cutting myself, or joining an after school sports team or whatever it is teenagers do with their time, I fully immersed myself in Prince and his music.  When I was in grade 11, he broke a long silence and released a new album, appropriately titled Emancipation: I cut school twice in one month to watch him promote it on Rosie and Oprah.

To show my undying and everlasting love to Prince, I even got a tattoo of his male/female symbol on my stomach, in purple, and displayed it proudly every chance I could. (I was also 16, so showing off your belly wasn’t that inappropriate of at the time.)

The only thing is, my love has been far from everlasting. In fact, in recent months, it’s faded drastically. (I’ve also since got the tattoo covered up.) I obviously never thought that would happen. And I’m surprised that it did.

For a huge chunk of my life, identifying as a Prince fan helped define me as a person. When I was a teenager, I identified with his music on a sexual level. He sang about things that intrigued and excited me, things I really wanted to explore, just as I was discovering a new part of myself. (Ew, that sounds so gross.)

In my 20s, identifying as a Prince fan helped define me as someone who had good taste in pop music and liked to dance. It was way cooler to say I was weaned on Prince, than say, New Kids on the Block.

Now, in my 30s, I feel like identifying as a Prince fan only helps define me as someone who’s attached to nostalgia. And I’m not a terribly nostalgic person. When I think about my past, I’m mostly embarrassed by it. Instead, I choose to pretend most if it never existed, hope nothing comes back to haunt me, look forward and evolve.

I haven’t bought a Prince album since I was a teenager. Since then, let’s face it, he’s made terrible music. And he’s gotten pretty weird. And not in the making-women’s-lingery-sexy-on-a-man-and-not-allowing-interviewers-to-take-any-kind-of-notes-intense-dramatic-other-planet kind of weird. Having been in the same room as him once, I can assure you that kind of weirdness is the stuff of legends.

Naw, his new weirdness is the kind where you’re kind of concerned about his already questionable mental well-being. It wouldn’t be surprising to find him on your doorstep, asking if you’d heard the good word. (Becoming a Jehovah Witness is known to do that to people. Oh, it’s also known to isolate and traumatize family members who want to leave the religion, suppress free speech and thought, and generally ruin lives.)

By all accounts, Prince still puts on a great show. He’s cut the naughty bits out, which is what I loved most about his music, but he apparently still knows how to excite a stadium. So much so that people couldn’t stop posting about it on Facebook. I’m not going to lie and say it didn’t make me jealous and sad that I missed what is being called the greatest show our country has ever seen. But I ended up having a pretty good night, regardless of not attending his concert.

I went to my friend Louise Burns’ show at the Horseshoe tavern. There, I watched a mini Canadian super-group perform a solid set. Louise, a veteran singer/songwriter who was once signed to Madonna’s label, was backed by a guy who plays in Sloan, and the former bass player from Hot Hot Heat, who was also my first serious, long-term boyfriend.

I hadn’t spoken or seen him perform in years, and it was a trip to watch him in such a different context. The three jammed away, happily, exchanging inside jokes and playing songs from one of my favourite albums of the year.  It was really fun to watch.

I could have been caught up in nostalgia that night, both at the Prince concert and at the Horseshoe, in front of my first true love. But I wasn’t. Instead, I reveled in being present, being there, because I knew it was exactly where I was meant to be.