I'm almost 30. Now what?

The Help

noreply@blogger.com (Kelly) — Sat, 27 Aug 2011 21:30:00 +0000

The movie “The Help” has overall gotten great reviews, but has taken a few hard knocks from some people. Ray and I were planning to see it together until he had heard that the movie painted a rosy picture about being a maid in the south during Jim Crow and that the women who portrayed the maids were caricature-like.

So I went to see this movie. Intentionally looking to be disappointed with how black women were portrayed. And looking for undertones of once again, the white people save the day.

Amazingly enough, I didn’t see either.

In my mind, Minny and Aibibleen are clearly the heroines of the movie. They are strong, supportive and smart. These two women made me feel oh so proud to be a black woman. Not only did they take care of someone else’s home and children, they took care of theirs too. I get overwhelmed with my measly two bedroom home. I don’t clean everyday, or polish silver once a week and I certainly don’t cook everyday-especially not for 2 households. They did all that and more while carrying themselves with grace and dignity.

Can you imagine having to clean someone else’s toilets and not be able to use them because they think you carry different diseases like you’re some rare animal species? Or hearing the woman whose children you raise tell you that you should have to choose which child to send to college because you just didn’t save enough money working way less than minimum wage since you were 14 to send them both. They did it for years and still managed to keep their heads held high.

Another thing that impressed me about these women is how they supported each other. Aibileen goes through a time that would send any woman into a deep depression and Minny encourages her and helps to keep her going. They do that for each other. It doesn’t really surprise me, but it’s such a contrast to the backstabbing and conniving ways of the young socialites they work for. I think that support system has been what has held black communities together through the years. I see it in my mom and her friends and sisters now.

The part that worried me the most was that the women would come across as slow or something. I should have known better. Viola Davis and Octavia Spencer are strong, accomplished actress who between them have on and off-Broadway, TV and film appearances, and writing, directing and production experience. In the movie, Aibileen is thoughtful and quietly courageous and Minny is sharp, daring and a quick thinker.

Even though this was a fictional story, I was so proud of these women. They embody the kind of heritage I have. Strength, wisdom, wit, grace in the face of adversity. Those are the things that I saw in this movie. I would gladly see it again, and much to my husband’s chagrin, I’ll probably be adding it to our personal collection.

noreply@blogger.com (Kelly) — Sat, 19 Mar 2011 13:14:00 +0000

The weather has been stellar this week. And with the time change, there's lots more time for outside activities. Two nights ago, I had the windows open and I could hear some of the kids in our neighborhood playing out side. It's crazy how some simple sounds can send you reeling emotionally. First it took me back to playing with the kids in our neighborhood when I was younger. Kick ball, badminton, hide and go seek-it seemed like we were outside for hours. Lots of good memories there.

That lovely moment was almost immediately interrupted by heart ache. I want so much to have children of my own someday. It's hard to even put into words.While I love Quinton dearly, he came into our lives as a teenager. Isaiah and Adrianna are also as close to me as I could hope for, but it's not the same. Sometimes it's hard being with them or my nieces and nephews because of this intense longing I have.

I want to be a mom. I want to have the whole experience-pregnancy and all. I've wanted it for as long as I can remember. Most of the time, I just keep it buried deep. Pretend like it's not there. But every now and then, something catches me off guard and the feelings come welling up. Isaiah calling me on the phone, Adrianna's sweet baby pictures, or kids playing outside my window.

So Much for Plans...

noreply@blogger.com (Kelly) — Fri, 29 Oct 2010 14:18:00 +0000

Well, I wrote the first blog entry over a month ago. I was looking forward to something new-setting goals and working to increase my level of community involvement. Ha! I guess that's what I get for looking too far forward. Or maybe not far enough forward. In any case, I definitely did not expect to be here in this place one month later.

Let me give you a brief summary of the past year and a half of my life.

-resigned from my job to avoid getting a penalty on my teaching record
-begin the search for a new job
-husband and I decide to move to Greensboro to help start a church plant
-move in a hurry and stay with family friends for 2 months
-job search continues
-don't have a place to keep pets and have to take them to the pound
-still no job, decide to go back to school
-move in October to a place of our own after a rough exit from friends' home
-get wonderful roommate
-work an awful job that always manages to take off almost half of expected earnings
-husband tries working and church planting and can't find the balance
-start school behind the 8-ball and take 2 unnecessary classes
-roommate moves out
-care for granddaughter weeks at a time
-fail a summer class
-lose my financial aid
-resume job search
-re-apply for school (almost, I still have pay the application fee)
-go without income for 3 weeks
-husband resigns
-still no income
-lose the house and another good roommate
-lose a vehicle
-stay with family and friends again

I was going to take part in the Guilford Education Alliance. I signed up to volunteer with the school system. I had begun to research what other kinds of nonprofits are around like the ones I want to start. Now, it's all on hold. School, dreams, plans, all on hold. I had even started to lose a little weight. Not any more.

We're moving to Hickory. We're staying with our best friends' mom.

It's supposed to be a fresh start. This should be good for us- a time to focus just on us and what we need. I sure hope so, because what I don't need is more of the same.

Radio Silence

noreply@blogger.com (Kelly) — Fri, 29 Oct 2010 13:46:00 +0000

You ever feel like you've lost all contact with the world? Kind of like when people die in the movies and find out they're a ghost. They're walking around and seeing things and standing next to people who have no idea that anyone is even there. It's frustrating, and quiet and lonely.

That's how I feel lately. There's so many things going on, but I can't tell anyone. No one can see me. No one can help because I can't tell them what's going on. I can't reach out; except in cryptic messages that don't really get the point across. So nobody really knows what's going on. And I'm left to figure it out on my own.

So how do you keep from feeling so alone and overwhelmed without hurting the ones you love? I don't know, but I can feel this radio silence killing me.

(These were quite possibly the hardest sentences I've ever written. I broke down and cried halfway through. I thought I was being strong all this time, but I guess it's just been more than even I can handle now.)

The Plan

noreply@blogger.com (Kelly) — Tue, 28 Sep 2010 03:45:00 +0000

I remember talking about my future with my mom on vacation one year. I must have been about 15 or 16. My parents were always pushing my brother and me to think about the future and be prepared. So it wasn't unusual to hear my mom ask me what I wanted my life to look like 5 or ten years down the road.

I remember telling her I wanted to be married by the age of 24, and have my first child at 26. I would go to college for sports medicine and then either get my masters and be a full time athletic trainer for a college or professional sports team or go on to be an orthopedic surgeon. I'd be finished having children by the age of 30 but really wanted to adopt at least one child so my future husband and I would have 3 maybe four (if we adopted siblings) children.

Well, here I am almost 30 and I have an incredible husband and while I don't have biological children, I do have an adopted son and a beautiful granddaughter. And even though I realized that full time athletic training is not what I wanted to do, I'm not a doctor either. I'm not even close.

So, what happened? I'm not sure. We all know life doesn't go as planned. And while my life is not nearly as complex and difficult as others, for me, it's frustrating. I started teaching after college, because I loved being around the students and I didn't know what I wanted to do about post-baccalaureate opportunities. Having children has been all but impossible for us for the past 5 years and now that we're finally on the right track, the doctor tells me my chances of conceiving have decreased because of all the weight I've gained over the past few years. I'm currently unemployed, and I flubbed up my opportunity to be back in school this semester during summer school.

I have ideas. Big ones. One for a community center to promote family wellness and one for an organization to supplement the education system in our district. But how do I get there? The doctor set a weight loss goal that's 120 pounds away from where I am now. Every time I think about it I just want to go get a pint of ice cream and eat and cry.

I turned 29 week before last. So when I hit the big 3-0 next year, what will be different? My resources are a little limited and I'm not very well connected. How do I go from having potential to actually living a life of action?