I'm Becoming The One I Want...

God is on time even when I'm not

2018-04-09T09:43:00.000-07:00

Today I woke up not feeling my best, but I was determined to get out of the house and yup work hopefully on time. That has been my goal for the last 2 weeks. Be at my desk at or before 8am. For the last 2 weeks, I have met my goal I'm happy to say. Today however, I almost didn't make it. You see in order to reach my goal, I have to wake up at 530am. No problem you say, but I am a night girl and do not just pop out of bed when the sun rises. In order to meet my goal I have to force myself to get up, fix the dog's food and get me together. I was very sluggish this morning, since I had been sick over the weekend. By the time I was beating my face it was 6:49am and I was just taking the dog for her walk. LATE!!

I take the 7:04 train and in order for me to make it I have to leave at least by 7:55. I try not to procrastinate on this because I know it takes about 3 to 4 minutes to get there but leaving at 7am is just pushing it, even for my procrastination nerve. Well, wouldn't you know it... my 7am MOVE YOUR CAR alarm was going off for the street sweeping. I missed the mark... for the first time in weeks, I would miss they 7:04 train... ugh. Now I knew I would still meet my goal by taking the next train, but I'd either have to walk to work or hustle to get to the bus. So...I prayed, LORD LET THE TRAIN BE LATE. This train is rarely late y'all. So I go in faith and as I pull up, the train is pulling up!! Now as the enemy would have it, a car in front of me is going super slow, like he is at the train station to catch the night train not the next train, so he takes his sweet time! So I go around him and park in the first available spot and run for the train. Guess what? I MADE IT! Thank you Lord! I sat down, and as the train pulled out of the station I looked at my phone and it said 7:06am!! The train was late!! Yes, thank you Lord! I'm so grateful because I honestly thought I was going to miss it this time! It's a great thing that God is on time even when I'm not!

Crazy. Sexy. Celibate

2017-05-29T15:08:00.000-07:00

HE PUT A RING ON IT!!!!!!

10 years ago, this month, I embarked on a journey to give up sexual intimacy until marriage! What was I thinking?!? I must have been crazy, right? Well maybe... I think I was crazy tired of giving myself up physically for love only to get a temporary feeling that didn't last long, affection or a part-time boo, not a full time love. To be honest, I never thought I would make it to 10 years on this celibacy journey. I always thought well, I'm honoring God with my body, I'm giving up this huge part of life that I loved, probably more than I should have cause hey, I'm single, but I'm not gonna have to wait very long. Aaaaaannnnnddd it's 10 years later! Lol! While this has not been a very easy journey mentally, physically, spiritually, and socially, it has helped me to avoid soooo many mistakes that I have made in the past. I have avoided so many soul ties, heartbreaks, frustrating relationships, and ultimately wasting my time...(Though I wasted time in other ways...that's another blog)

What made me decide to become celibate? Well I was dating a guy that was cool but very laid back. He went to my church but his relationship with God wasn't very strong. I was hoping for more emotionally and spiritually, but the chemistry was very flat, and at that point, I felt like whatever, he's not the one, might as well try him out in the bedroom and then go our separate ways. Little did I know, that uneventful lackluster experience led me all the way to Gods arms in a fit of frustration, tears, and surrender. I decided to finally try to do it God's way.

So, in 2007 at Word of Faith Family Worship Cathedral, I made the decision to save myself, dedicate my body to the Lord and wait until marriage to have sex. Our singles ministry held a 6 or 7 week covenant series that ended in a purity ceremony in the presence of friends and family. I even got my dad to give me a purity ring for the ceremony and to have a visual reminder of the covenant I made with the Lord. God blessed me to find the perfect dress that was originally $40, but when I walked away from it, God said go back and get that dress, and when I did a few weeks later, it was $15!!

During the covenant series, we were challenged to select an accountability partner to be there for us during this journey. This was to be someone we could trust, who would understand us and hold us accountable during the times when this celibacy journey got rough, which it definitely has. Having someone to talk to who will not judge you but hear you out, talk you down from the ledge, encourage you to stay the course when you are weak are just a few things you need in an accountability partner. I found that in my coworker in 2007 right before I started the series. My coworker Kim who was also a pastor, sat beside me at work because God moved her from one seat to the seat next to mine after her computer stopped working. We began talking and her testimony of how she met her husband blew me away. We connected through our struggles and she was truly my voice of reason when I wanted to give in.

Through the years... YEARS.. Lol. I have gone from being 100% sure of myself and my decision of celibacy to doubting it to anger and frustration at why I've had to wait for so long, like when is it going to be over!! Can you tell I was sooo focused on ONE THING... My flesh! When is my flesh going to be satisfied Lord??? I'm so sure he was asking when are you going to focus on satisfying ME with your flesh and spirit?? See Year 1, 2 and 3 were kinda rocky, trying to remain celibate, dating without physical intimacy, and maturing in my walk with God. During that time I got so much closer to God, I got baptized, I improved in my giving and bible study. Through my church, I learned how to praise God more, my fasting became more purposeful and I could truly hear the Lord's voice much more clearly. I also had some struggles dating men who I allowed to tempt me heavily, and put myself in compromising situations. I isolated myself from my accountability partner Kim and she drifted from me also due to her family situations. I also went through some rough financial situations and nearly got evicted from my apartment, BUT GOD came through on time!!

By year 4 I was in a long-distance relationship with a guy I met through my parents in my hometown. I really learned a lot about my likes and dislikes, the true intentions of my heart and how to be celibate in a relationship. I hadn't had a chance to practice before so this was new for me. My boyfriend at that time wasn't celibate because he wanted to be but because that was my decision and he understood it and partially agreed with it. Throughout the course of that relationship, we weren't a strong couple that pursued God as the center of our relationship so we didn't completely walk together, we walked separately at our own pace with God, so NOT on one accord. The relationship ultimately did not survive the distance, but also, we pushed the boundaries of physical intimacy because I felt too weak to truly walk in dedication and truly commit to preserving my purity mind, body and spirit. The main thing I could hold onto was that I was STILL technically faithful in not having SEX before marriage. I was doing other things that were not pure though and often during those times, I just had to take my purity ring off.

I. Took. My. Ring. OFF.

After leaving that relationship, by year 5 I'm really frustrated by this waiting for a husband and celibacy journey. Several friends have gotten married and had kids by now, I'm having less, and less dates, career is going so so, and I'm angry. I am busy doing what I think I should be doing but I'm not moving forward. Dates are few and far between, because social media is changing the way we communicate, I'm trying online dating, but no real relationships are produced from those experiences. Then, I fell... I actually let my flesh, thoughts, and the loneliness cause me to fall into the arms of someone who did not have my best interest at heart and did not share my goal of celibacy at all.

I thought the world would crumble and a cloud of failure would hang over me until I was celibate enough to gain God's love and mercy back. Why did I think that? Romans 8:1 says Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. There was no cloud or thunder, there was guilt, as there is with sin, but it wasn't unbearable. What did happen was incredible anger and frustration with God and my wait for marriage and ended up going to therapy after a panic attack at work. The combination of guilt, anger, fear, and anxiety of the future came crashing down on me. It lead to 7 months of healing and growth that helped to wash away so many doubtful thoughts, toxic patterns, and helped me to stop dwelling so much on the past.

5 more years of WAITING.

Yes 5 years after that I am STILL WAITING to be married. Today I am not angry about it!! I ended up moving to Los Angeles where my dating experiences diminished significantly. However, I have avoided SO MUCH HEARTACHE, as it relates to giving myself to someone physically, that I see it as a blessing! It has been very challenging, as I have only dated 2 guys here in a significant way since I've been here in LA. I look back on the last 5 years like wow, I have really dodged several bullets and have not wasted my time in wrong, unhealthy and ungodly relationships. Now as I said earlier I DID waste my time emotionally with men, but ALL of that was due to my own LOVE ADDICTION...and again that's another blog altogether!! Seriously!

Today I have truly accepted my celibacy and am grateful for this journey because I see the light at the end of the tunnel. The light is GOD, the light is my own purpose, the light is loving myself, the light is my own authenticity and not apologizing for who I am. This light is a peace that surpasses all understanding now. Today I accept that boundaries in dating ARE necessary. Today I will not apologize for being celibate, and I will not hide it! I have worn my purity ring off and on and now is on!! When people ask me now why I am still single, I actually have a solid answer that makes sense given what I've been through. Now, I am pushing 40, and it seems like I have waiting for an eternity for marriage and kids, but really, I have been waiting on me and God has been waiting on me. I have procrastinated to a degree, so long just to get to something that I may have been delaying myself because I was not living my purpose and not truly accepting celibacy, committing to it, and trusting God for his best for me! I'm looking forward to God's move in my life as I continue my celibacy journey and have faith that it WILL end in His time!

Snuggling up to Single

2017-02-11T01:04:00.000-08:00

Helllloooooo 2017!! It's so good to be back in the blogosphere again!! You wanna know what else feels good right now? Finally snuggling up to Single! YES! I am feeling my singleness so much right now and in a good way! Just like homegirl in the photo looks like she is getting the most peaceful, satisfying sleep ever. Just like her, I am loving being single and getting the most peaceful, satisfying joy out of chasing my dream life right now!! There is just something about the space I'm in right now that feels so warm and cozy that I just don't want to let go of. I am enjoying my/me time more than ever, sleeping in has been the best, and just being responsible for me, and my dog of course has its perks!! I am just at a good place now.

I haven't been in a serious relationship now for awhile, I mean it's been a few years. I do date every now and again, but nothing so serious that I could relax and snuggle up to relationship status. The beauty of enjoying my time being single is that I am no longer anxious for a relationship, nor am I desperately longing to be in love. I used to loathe being single, and hated the thought of life with without my soul mate. I used to cry and feel sorry for myself that "The One" and I hadn't met yet, keep in mind, my biological clock ticks kinda loudly from time to time, but I have never been more anxious about having a child, than having the best relationship (marriage) to have a child in. Since I cannot force love to happen, I can't make someone love me, I need to be not just content, but crazy satisfied and in love with my life right at this very moment. I have decided that while dating can be fun and romantic, it can also be frustrating, time consuming and cause anxiety. Trying to be the right one and meet the right one, can wear on your mind and heart, and no one looks forward to another 1st and last date or awkward date behavior like your date stopping and a costume jewelry store before dinner to get an cubic zirconia earring just because he needs to floss on the date. Dating just sometimes feels like trying to find a needle in a haystack or scooping the water you spilled in the ocean back into your cup.... IMPOSSIBLE! Lol! I can't say at this point that I am on a steady quest to find or be found by love. I would however, love to meet a great person and become awesome friends that find themselves dating and falling in love. Hey, friendship is the foundation to most lasting relationships in our lives, and with that comes a level of respect and genuine care for another human being that just dating from a superficial standpoint, may not hold true.

You know those nights when you are so tired you cant do anything but shower, and fall into bed and straight to sleep? And the sleep is so deep, and you're so warm that when its time to get up, you cannot move? Like you snooze, roll over 3 times, and have the sweetest dreams you've ever had because if this sleep. That's what I feel like nowadays. Thoughts of really giving 100% to my career, friends, family, personal goals, traveling and loving myself really have inspired me! We only have one life, and it's very short. I no longer want to waste it pining over what/who I don't have in my life. A relationship is not the only thing that matters in life. There are blogs to write, needy to feed, causes to fight for, countries to explore, books to read, friends to know, and ways to grow, a Reading Rainbow! Hahahaha! I got a little caught up and nostalgic for a second!!

Truly I would love to experience all those things with my soul mate, but I feel so comfortable and at peace with just being by myself that right now, someone has to be purposeful to my life's journey in order for me to wake from my single slumber. I mean, this man coming into my life must shift my foundation so much that it is essential that he and I connect our lives and souls in marriage as we are greater together than we are apart. That our lives don't make sense anymore apart from marriage. I welcome that day when it comes... until then, I will snuggle up to single and cast my marital status worries to the wind.

What a difference a year makes!

2014-02-23T19:52:00.001-08:00

Welcome to Hollywood!!

Oh my gosh Becky!! I can't believe it's been a year since I moved to Los Angeles California! Last year I was running around Atlanta, GA like a chicken with its head cut off trying to get ready to leave the only state I've ever known as home! Everything was happening so fast and it never hit me until I was on the plane and we were leaving Atlanta. I saw the buildings downtown and all I heard was Michelle Branch's Goodbye to you playing in my head...ugh, I'm getting verclempt again just thinking about it! I still remember dragging my luggage to the security as I went through the maze waving at my sister, mom, nephews and my dad. I'd never been away from them this long and this far away. I still remember my mom saying how you gonna leave me with your crazy daddy?! Lol! She was joking, she loves her baby daddy for real! My nephews were acting hard, they were quiet and just hugged me like they weren't gonna miss me but they totally were broken up on the inside! Ha! Probably not right? My sister was kinda sad too. I've never seen her seem so emotional about me leaving but I felt her love and sadness. I had said goodbye to my brother a few days before so it wasn't as deep but still sad. It truly felt surreal to leave home to live thousands of miles across the country to a state I've never been to in my life! God provided an opportunity I could not refuse and I'm glad I stepped out on faith and took a chance at a new life in Los Angeles, CA!!

I had an awesome opportunity to get a new job, and God blessed me to have my uncle offer to have me stay with him until I found my own place. The pieces fell right into place! Moving to a new state all together was stressful, exciting, nerve wracking, and fun! I had to pack up my life, perform in a show with a 3 weekend run, get my braces off, go to doctors appointments, ship my car, and say goodbye to friends and family!! Whew!! Unfortunately I didn't get to say goodbye to everyone... In one year I have met some amazing people, and reconnected with friends from Georgia. People always ask me how long I'm gonna be here or if I'll ever go back to Georgia, but I always said I'd give it at least a year, and well... here I am a year later!! Who knows what the future holds, but here's a look at some of the things that happened in this last year here in LA!!

My first pic of my first morning in LA. Awesome view!

SWEETS Candy!!

OOOHHH Beverly Hills, that's where I want to be!!

Sight seeing in San Pedro Korean Friendship Bell!

Me and Robert...He wasn't ready ya'll!!

I commute on the train everyday for work!! Sometimes It gets like this!

Even went to Las Vegas!!

My first accident in LA...UH OH...IT AINT MY FAULT!

Me , my mom, and my aunt in Venice Beach!

Got my landscape photography on!!

New (work) Friends. Kindest people you'll ever meet!

My first visit to Dallas, Texas

Apartment hunting with Raphael and Renee!

I hiked Echo Mountain!! So much fun and BREATHTAKING!

I was on plane 12 times in 2013!! OMG I was soooo jet-lagged by Christmas!

Me hanging out in San Francisco!

First Christmas in LA!! My landlords are great gift givers!!

Almost got zapped by the Scientology folks!

The LA Shorts Film Fest was awesome!

Finally got back to GA to see my family!

Google+ Hangout!!

Family

Love Tamar's Winter LoversLand!

Hung out with my brother

Meeting celebs at the Pan African Film Festival! Go See and support Blackbird and The Magic City!

Bringing in the new year with NEW GOALS!!

Do I have room for you?

2014-02-14T19:29:00.001-08:00

You know, I say I want a man in my life, a strong healthy relationship, the kind that fairy tales are made of, or at least prime time television! I say, oh I've waited so long to find and be found by my prince charming, my knight, my African King, lol, but am I ready to make ROOM for him in my life? This is a serious question to think about and consider the answers to because it might be why HE hasn't shown up yet.

I feel pulled in many directions in my life and only recently have slowed down to make time for myself on the weekends. I used to be so busy with church obligations and teaching acting class and I worked at night so I always felt like I had little time for me, let alone time for love. I maneuvered through a long distance relationship for a year and a half but that whole outta site outta mind thing was real for me. I know they say absence makes the heart grow fonder, but since we started it kinda on a blind set up, and then went right into the LDR, it subconsciously allowed me to still keep a busy schedule in my life, and then have romance when it was convenient... at least for both of our schedules when we met up again. I felt good at first, still having ME but having him too. But then I realized that he still had to compete with my schedule whenever he wanted to talk or meet up, and I didn't have enough me to give some days because I didn't HAVE to make room for him in my life. I didn't have to make Friday or Saturday night dinner or movie plans each week. I never had to go to his place or tidy up before he came to my place a few times a week. I never had to really cook a meal with or for him. Never made it to church service together or met up with other couples to double date, and we also were never there to comfort each other when we were sick.

I've never been a serial dater or had serious relationships in the past so as I get older, having to make time for someone else in a romantic way is new. I know the rules of dating have changed quite a bit in the last few years and I feel like I'm missing some key clues, rules and general knowledge about letting love into your life, and not just fitting it in like a workout! Honestly, sometimes I do feel like I am missing out on time to grow in my craft of acting or personal growth, because I'm on a date. Dates feel like chores now if they take me away from me doing what I need to do. I'm just acknowledging a subconscious thought that I'm noticing has plagued my recent dating life. I guess you could call me a saboteur.

Yes I'll admit that a part of my lack of romance has to do with me getting more involved with socializing on a regular basis and then the other part is not feeling like I'm just wasting time spending too much time with a person. I don't feel like people are a waste of time but certain situations can be spirit consuming or take you away from the things you need to do. Maybe I just don't know how to relax and have a good time fellow shipping and getting to know someone without feeling like "me time" is being compromised. Also, I don't want to neglect my other obligations in life. I guess I've never been truly in love or met someone I really wanted to spend all my time with either! So if that's the case... I really feel like that's one reason I don't make room for HIM. Being by yourself for awhile also makes you love being with just you and not being bothered about that! On the other hand, the emotional intimacy I crave can move into the clingy zone a bit at times, so if I like someone now I try to keep my feelings in check. I mean I have been known to let my expectations get the best of me and think deeper about a person than they may think of me, so lately I've noticed myself pulling back and not setting up another date or meet up for weeks or whenever it's convenient for me. Question... IS LOVE CONVENIENT??

Is love something that happens deliberately with methodical dating techniques and rules or does it just happen over a period of spontaneous, in the moment, go by your gut dating with a Carpe Diem feel to it? IDK, so that's why I'm asking! Lol! I'm leaning more towards the side that I've not met that person that as Bruce Springsteen would say, "she's got a secret garden...." That is a place where I believe has a perfect balance of what I need, what I want, and the place where my vulnerability finally feels free and safe and at home, and he and I are both free to roam indefinitely!

I know that keeping my distance allows my fickle mind a chance to get out while I've still got my dignity but that's exactly where I need to be in order to allow true love to not just be convenient for me but for it to be second nature, like breathing... I NEED it.

So this heart shaped month of February, I'm going to start throwing out negative thoughts, giving away some things I haven't used in ages, pruning, pulling weeds, planting seeds of compassion and patience, water them to grow a listening heart, dust off old love records, air out the stench of fear and bitterness, carve out some time for emotional connections and most of all CREATE ROOM for love in my SECRET GARDEN!

Mountains in My Rearview

2014-02-11T22:51:00.001-08:00

I was driving to a friend's house Saturday, and it was a gorgeous day. There were mountains to my left, and to my right, but when I looked in my rearview mirror, I noticed there were mountains in the mirror. My first thought was wow, they are beautiful, and then it hit me... those mountains were literally behind me. I wanted to take a picture of them but I was using the GPS on my phone so I couldn't stop and take it, plus I was driving. What I realized in that moment was a sense of relief and joy. Even though I loved looking at all the mountains, the ones in the mirror really made me realize that some of the greatest mountains in my life were behind me. WOW. I could breathe a sigh of relief as well as let out a huge THANK YOU JESUS, because I have overcome so much. I never looked at my life in that way. We are always looking at the mountains ahead of us instead of looking at the mountains that we climbed, hiked, cried all the way up, and all the way down, walked, ran, crawled around, and finally pushed out of our way! And yet those same mountains of obstacles were beautiful.

As I sit here and write this, I am overwhelmed and tears flow at the sheer thought of how far I've come in my life. I have accomplished many, many more things than I have ever realized. Those MOUNTAINS are proof!! God's way of saying YOU ARE TOUGH.... I SAID I'D NEVER LEAVE YOU... YOUR TROUBLES DIDN'T OVERCOME YOU, YOU OVERCAME THEM!!!!! He reminded me that I CAN celebrate my successes and stop being so hard on myself, stop telling myself the lies that my past was too big to get over. I can look at those mountains and appreciate who I was then and who I've become because of them. It made me love myself so much more. It made me carry myself with pride, healthy pride, strength and exude the confidence and courage to conquer any mountains ahead.

I also realized that I wasn't the only one to have this experience either as there is a book written about it called Mountain In My Rearview Mirror. Wow, how cool! The book seems to illustrate my same feelings and thoughts I had when seeing those mountains in the mirror that day. (I'll be ordering a copy myself) I encourage you to look at your own mountain in your own rearview and just take a moment to appreciate the view that signifies your growth, courage, and your ability to overcome some of the biggest obstacles you may have faced in your life. You are more than a conqueror through Jesus Christ!!

Looking back on that day, I realized that it finally felt great just being able to ride off into the sunset feeling empowered, accomplished, and full of God's grace and wisdom!

Unrequited, and it feels so good...

2013-10-07T14:39:00.000-07:00

When I was 8 years old, there was this song I would play over and over again, like literally on repeat. I thought it was the most beautiful, most romantic song at that time, and it had a hold on me. The song was I Live For Your Love, by Natalie Cole. By this time you already know what my 8 year old, naive, mind with the beginnings of hopeless romanticism didn't know, the song, though beautiful, was sad and not nearly as romantic as I thought it was. But it was sooooo pretty and the intro was like water trickling down a beautiful waterfall in Jamaica right outside the Sandals resort for couples only. I only focused on the “I live for your love” part and thought that this is what love was. No wonder I had an unrequited crush on a guy for a period of my life... Natalie Cole was pining her broken heart away for this man who would never love her, didn't want her anymore, and after leaving 30 messages on his voice mail, (just kidding but she could have) he probably sees her as a desperate stalker and has changed his locks, and telephone number by now. But why did it sound so romantic to me??? Why did no one explain to me that she was in unrequited love?? Now I feel hosed... Isn't it every girls dream to meet a handsome man, fall in love, and live together married, happily ever after?? I thought that’s what she was doing!?

Fast forward to 2013, and I can still sing the song verbatim even after not having heard it for many years. It was that ingrained in my spirit, that it takes be back to my innocence of what I thought true love was supposed to be. I would later have my own “I live for your love” experience with a young gentleman we will call Romero Bolero, to protect the innocent...anyhoo. I was experiencing the whole “I need you so much, that I just cant go on anymore....” drama myself, but on a teen level, not on a 45 and my eggs are nearly spoiled, you're my only hope for kids, I wanna end it kinda way. I thought for sure, in some magical, miraculous, manifest destiny kinda way, we would be together, in love married forever. These fantasies continued even though we were just friends, went to different highschools and colleges, and even went to a formal event together, where he still chose to speak highly of one of my girls which was a huge sign that “he just wasn’t that into me.” Now I did have a boyfriend or three throughout the years and even got completely over him, until I was lovesick again, and ran into him (purposefully) and found out he was getting married! Talk about the wind getting knocked out of you, but wait... we weren’t even in touch, hadn’t talked to each other in years. What in the world made me think that at 24, our love story was going to finally begin?? Natalie Cole!!! I lived for being in unrequited love... period. It was the only love I knew and that was about to get a serious wake up call. Now there was a new song, oldie but goodie, that I was forced to sing... CONGRATULATIONS by Vesta!! Realistically, Romero and I had no chance of really being an item, but a girl can dream right?? Well this girl apparently dreamt too much and it was seeping into the real waking world.

When the dust settled after hearing those fateful words. I knew the dream was over for good. Nothing makes you happier and sad at the same time than seeing someone you care about deeply, happy. But wait, now that that dream is dead, what about finding real true love that is the opposite of unrequited? Can I dream a new dream WITH someone? Can I meet and fall in love with someone who loves me and wants to marry me in real life?? You might say yes, but my journey in the last 10 years to age 34 has proven otherwise.

Where is that naive, innocent, optimistic, hopeless romantic young Kaiesha we've all come to know in love?? Well, like Natalie Cole, who left all those messages, realized after he never called her back, after she could no longer sneak in his house and sniff his Bill Cosby sweaters, (this song did come out in the 80's) and write love notes in the dust on his car window, she got the message, plus he probably got married to the chick her dumped her for right after anyway. Arrrggghhh!!! By the way I never did those things to Romero...but I digress. Inevitably I bowed out gracefully, threw up my white flag and said you win you lucky girl, whoever you are, but I know you slightly. Touche' love, cupid, and E harmony! Random, ok I know, but seriously it has been uber hard to feel that way about someone, meet someone, date, or just have a deep connection with these days.

I haven’t given up on love completely, buuuuutttt, you could say I've changed my name to Jade, last name Ed. Yea cheesy, but slightly true. Romero Bolero is not the cause of that change, and I wouldn’t say I'm the queen of jadedom, but some of the relationships along the way contributed to my temporary stay there at times. As of right now I am living for my own love and happiness in joydom, and am working day by day to revive the comatose hopeless romantic that lives and breathes through a ventilator called Jesus, he is love right? At least I know he loved me first so that means I'm 1-349343949598 on the scoreboard of love right? And since you’re gonna say, well Jesus doesn’t count, you can't hug him at night, well yes you can... so I’m reaching, but you get it. Technically, I'm still 0-39482989850599875. Now, I will work on living for His love, Jesus the carpenter, not the baby, until he mends my heart and brings me my true love, so we can sing a new song and live for the love of each other!!

2012-11-06T18:29:00.001-08:00

On this election day 2012, I wanted to bring a little bit of humor to the serious business of voting. We know that many people who lived before us struggled greatly to fight for the right to vote, and now we have the free privilege of doing so. Today I exercised my right to vote and I hope you did too! I am anxious like everyone else to see who our new President will be, but...yes there is a BUT, I know who truly reigns as the head of my life!! God will always have the final say, so let's keep him first and recognize man as the stewards of the land we have been put in charge to care for!!

I'M BAAACCCCKKKK!!!!

2012-08-26T14:49:00.001-07:00

What's up everyone?! Long time no see or read or....well you know what I mean! I know I've been missing in action for a while, but I'm back and happy to be getting back to you all!! So much has happened in the last 2 years since I posted last. Oh where to start?? Lol! Well the summer of 2010 a I got a boyfriend, by Christmas I had braces, and in the new year of 2011

I started a YouTube Series called The Blessed Life by Robert Morris. I've performed sketch comedy for the first time at Sketchworks Theatre which was sooooo much fun, so much so, that I decided to perform again this year in the main stage show called SCHMASHED!!! That was an awesome show with so many talented actors! Then... I broke up with my boyfriend, changed my work shift from night to day (yay!!!), had surgery on my foot, and have performed in 3 productions this year, including performing at Lionheart Theatre. Now, I am currently rehearsing for a new show, all while working full-time plus overtime!! WHEW!! This was all possible through God's love and power working in my life!! Life is really good right?! So here I go again, back on the Blog wagon lol! I'm excited and nervous for what's to come because I will be revealing more than I have before, so you will get an exclusive look into the little known adventures called my life!! I'll be going zip lining soon, getting my braces off this year, and I have recently started dating online...oooooh! There are so many things to experience and enjoy in this world and I want to share it with you!! I also want my life to be an example and to be used by God to help others along this journey of life!. Sooooo with that said...I'm baaaaacccccckkkkk!!!!! *LIFE*

5 miles to empty

2010-05-18T09:03:00.000-07:00

Ever been driving around with your gas tank sitting on E? Two years ago during the gas shortage, I was out of gas, out of town, and out late at night. No I wasn't partying and being irresponsible, I was doing an industrial shoot for a furniture store all the way in Cartersville, GA. I had done this shoot before, but forgot how far it really was and I got turned around a couple times before making it there just I'm time for the 5:30pm call time. I did realize that I was low on gas and with my reliable Honda, I have never had an issue with gas or, lack there of. This was the first time I just might have broken my record and been stuck on the side of the road. I figured I could just get gas after the shoot and be on my merry little way back to Decatur. Little did I know, I was in for a lesson in FAITH on fumes. Get it?!

Now I met a gentleman at the shoot who offered to follow me to a gas station just in case I ran out of gas. See God brought a someone to cover me so I'd be good. As an I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T woman, we need to learn to accept help when a man is trying to do his job to protect you, even when it seems like he's trying to holla and you're not feeling him. This wasn't necessarily the case, but I'm just saying, stop trying to do everything on your own. Anyway, the shoot was going well and fortunately for me, I was wrapped about 12am, but unfortunately my "covering" was not wrapped. I had to make a decision on whether to wait on him or strike out on my own in this dark night in Cartersville. Well, I was being slightly independent and stubborn, cause I was TIRED, and I left my covering there at the shoot. SHOOT! LOL!!

Now I crank up my Honda, and of course the gas light is on, but I'm like no prob, Lord I saw a few gas stations on my way in, I'll be straight. Hmmmfp! I felt like Goldilocks and the Three Bears, I was trying every gas station, and it was like "this one's closed" and "this one's open but has no gas!" This was not going like the fairytale at all! I was not having any GoldiLUCK! Now I'm starting to panic just a little cause I left my covering who could have found a gas station that was open for me and I wouldn't have had to drive around blindly WASTING gas! Now remember I am in Cartersville where everything practically shuts down at 9 pm, and they don't have QT or RACETRAC like Atlanta, soooo I am so screwed now and I don't know where I'm going, I'm just driving, I could've been in Tennessee somewhere, maybe not since I was out of gas, ha! So now I'm praying like the whole time like just calling JESUS' name, cause there is POWER in HIS name right?!

At this point I am sure I am going to run out of gas because I have been driving for a long time AND I have driven in circles and up and down dark 2 lane roads with nothing in sight. Finally I drive by this gas station that has all the lights off and all the pumps are off, BUT, the open sign is on. Huh? Next door was the laundromat that was open, and I passed this station earlier, but the "open" sign and dark store seemed like a denial to me. Well this time I pulled into the lot and there was a guy standing in front of the laundromat outside doing something on his cellphone. I took a chance and just asked him if he knew whether or not the gas station was actually opened or closed. AUDACITY OF HOPE (oooh, this coulda been the title too...)

He actually said "No it's closed I'm sorry." I was like "oh cause I see the "open" sign is on...and I'm like soooo outta gas... At this point I'm defeated, BUT GOD!!! How about the guy was actually the manager of that gas station!!!! What!!!! So I'm like "sir please I have like NO GAS IN THIS CAR, and have been driving for like 20 min" in the middle of the night. Now of all the stations I drove past, that were closed and had no gas, God led me to a station that HAD gas and COULD BE opened by FAITH! The guy told me to pull up to the pump, and he reopened the store so that I could get gas!! God WILL open a door that seems closed even when it has an "open" sign that would lead you to believe for example, that a job is available and they go and hire their friend, or that home you're under contract for is practically yours and then the bank says, "ummm NO!" TRUST ME! God opened a door for me when it was closed and it reminds me that he will NEVER leave me nor forsake me....EVER!

This guy was so nice and I was just baffled at the fact that I wouldn't and couldn't even have guessed that HE was the manager of the store, all because of his position. HMM position.... I didn't link him to the gas station because he was "positioned" or standing in front of the laundromat. Now I did kinda racially profile him but only because he looked sorta middle eastern and I know alot of them work at a lot of gas stations, so I thought, hmm maybe... or maybe not. He couldve been playing snake on his phone while waiting for his clothes to dry, or tryna text his baby momma to tell her he just couldnt wash her unmentionables so that meant she wasn't going have any clean panties to wear to work the next day unless she washed them in the sink herself! Lol! You know how some men are! Who knows why he was standing there cause he wasn't washing no clothes, he standing right where God wanted him to be standing so that God could test my faith.

Gas station guy ended up saying to me that he too had actually been out of gas stranded before, and that's why he opened the store for me. Compassion and empathy! When you have been through something you tend to have more empathy and are more compelled to help someone knowing their pain firsthand. Bless his heart. This one was "just right" as Goldilocks would say!

Well folks, needless to say, I drove out of Cartersville on a full tank of gas, money in my pocket from the shoot, and another victory for TEAM JESUS!! HALLELUJAH!! With God all things are possible, even a closed door can be open with God placing all the players in the right positions like any good coach, and with the players studying, applying and trusting the playbook (Bible), victory is inevitable!

From the mouth of babes

2010-05-01T16:13:00.000-07:00

Last Sunday, my sister decided to take my nephews to see a live show of Peter Pan. I am always down for live theatre! Well the play was held at an amphitheatre, so I was excited to be able to have a sort of picnic on a sunny day.

We went to Publix right before the show started so that we could get snacks and sandwiches, and normally I wouldn't get a sub sandwich from anywhere but Baldinos, a personal hometown favorite. This time I went ahead and ordered an Italian sub since it was slightly similar to my Baldinos usual. So the Publix guy is putting all the "fixins" on my sub and he puts like two squirts of oil on it and I'm like "hey come on man you can put some more oil on there," and he was like "oh my bad ok, I'll put more on there." Now I was saying it in a light jokey way, you know, "you know 2 squirts is not enough bruh." Well I thought nothing of the interaction, and as we went to check out, my nephew was like "you were very...demanding." I'm standing there like really?? He's like "yes you sounded mean." From the mouth of babes.

Its interesting how you can think you sounded on way but really, what you said was perceived another way. I ended up going back to the substation and apologizing to the Publix guy. He was like "NO! you're fine, I wasn't offended at all, I mean I love you...WAIT!! I LOVE YOU?? What random guy says that? I think he had a Freudian slip there, which was a little weird, but slightly flattering.

Even though I wasn't perceived as mean by the Publix guy, I may have been mean in other areas of life. I know one of my coworkers says that I can say some pretty insensitive things. If I have, I truly am sorry. I think I try my best to resolve conflict because I like hashing things out and being upfront with people. This was why I went back, not to soothe my own ego, but to mend fences. So many arguments can be squashed by just taking the opportunity to apologize when something is said that is hurtful or embarrassing. I think some people can also be in denial about even being wrong, which I have been caught on both sides of that argument, so to speak.

In my communication studies in college, we would attribute this misunderstanding to what we call 'noise' which is not necessarily audible, but can be semantic, psychological, or cultural. In an article on the Society for Technical Communication, Noise refers to anything introduced into the message that is not included in it by [the] sender. I think this happens a lot in general, so from now on I will proofread the messages in my head before they are sent from my mouth, because I think my "firewall" may have been down on various occasions, causing unintended viruses. LOL!!

I hope you dance....

2010-04-24T15:01:00.000-07:00

So right now, as I write this, I am at my nephews' school dance! Remember those? It is a 70's theme so I fit right it with my afro, no wig necessary, hee hee! All the kids seem to be enjoying their time to dance, laugh, scream, RUN, and just be themselves. As a kid at heart I completely feel them. Like these kids, I too sit at a desk for 8 hours a day and as told to me by management, I must be tied to the phone lines for 7.4 hours Monday through Friday. I can get a little stir crazy and need a release from angry taxpayers and non stop questions, but hey, I'm here to help.... Never the less, I digress. Kids have dual effect on me, they energize me and tire me, but most of all inspire me! They remind me of all the possibilities that lie ahead and all the wonderful opportunities that lie in the moment.
As with any school dance there are must haves that set it off, and this one comes complete with dim lights, rows of chairs on opposite sides of the room so you can make eyes directly @ your puppy love crush you're infatuated with at the moment, loud bumping music, a photographer, food (and at a good price I might add $1 for popcorn?? Gimme 3 bags!!), chaperons (hated those didn't you especially when you danced with your boo and he tried to cop that feel lol!!), the popular crew, the not so popular crew, the dancers and the wallflowers. This elementary school dance has it all! Also, the parents are in full effect which is awesome because they care enough to stay and participate in their kids lives.

I am feeling a bit nostalgic as they play "You Can't Touch This" and think of the early 90's when I started going to dances, (real ones where you might actually have your 1st boyfriend). That was back when people really did dance, cause as Goodie Mob said "People don't dance no more, all they do is dis...." and by 'dis' I interpret it as a double meaning. All people do is dis, distance themselves from each other. Come on get close, dance close, connect, and dont be so stiff and uptight. All people do is dis, disrespect the dance floor by standing around laughing at everybody else, when in fact YOU are the one who can't dance!! But for real, life is like a school dance, you're gonna have some fun, your heart may get broken, you might spend alot of money trying to impress others or you may be a late bloomer who gets all the girls/guys end the end. You may be like the wallflowers, too afraid to get out there and look silly because you can't dance or maybe you're the one who needs to get off the dance floor cause you been "out" there toooo long. Maybe you're the chaperon who's sooo stuck on the "rules" that you forget that you're not perfect and it's ok if you make a mistake, come on live a little! Could you be the DJ, who is so busy pleasing people and playing what THEY want to hear, that you never get to dance to your favorite tune, go dance and just let the record play! Are you the photographer with the vision for how everyone ELSE's life should look like, but not your own? Have your picture taken (i.e. Look in the mirror) and see what image develops, you might be surprised at the flaws that are exposed.

Whoever you are and where ever you are in this life, just remember life can be just like a school dance, it's what you make it as I've been told many times, so no matter what..... I hope you dance!!!

"I've-got-Codes....."

2010-04-16T08:10:00.000-07:00

Last night I was just thinking about all the different codes that I either have used or use now on a daily basis. A code is a rule for converting a piece of information (for example, a letter, word, phrase, or gesture) into another form or representation (one sign into another sign), not necessarily of the same type. Technology forces us to use codes and for a lot of us we use them on our jobs.

Using codes whether it be for work or play can be efficient, useful and a fun way to have secret communication when necessary or just an inside joke. For example, if you ever go to Footlocker and you hear an employee walk to the back stockroom and tell another employee that he/she is going to "DEPARTMENT 13" that is code for the bathroom! Cool huh?! Well, at least I think so, there are so many other words, phrases, numbers, acronyms.... that we all use to covertly communicate something we don't want others to know or that is much more time consuming to communicate verbally, like when you hold your index finger and middle finger in the shape of a 'V' that is what we call a PEACE sign!
So anyway, I don't know if anyone else cares but I am going to list some of my favorite "codes" that I either use or have used in the past. Now that I work for IRS, some of those codes I will keep to myself so as to keep myself employed, tee hee! Here are mine, in no particular order, now show me yours!!!

FD- Factory Defect... Footlocker term

Heads up....literal meaning- watch the floor I'm going to the stockroom- Footlocker term

OMG.... oh my gosh- my new favorite phrase

LTMS.....Laughing to myself- cause how often are you REALLY laughing out loud??

True Dupe....a duplicate return, but its what I call my derriere!

Jacob & Carter.... the fictitious boys I created when my nephews were acting up during Christmas. I told them I would give their toys to "Jacob & Carter" instead of Jalen & Cameron! It still works with the little one when he acts up, but the older one knows they are not real boys.

WOT... waste of time(can be used in front of customer) when a customer comes in and makes u bring out all the shoes/clothes/jewelry... ...in the store and they buy nothing, or their card declines- Footlocker, Limited, Tiffany's

Lady doctor- The doctor for ladies.....Gynecologist...

9. G is L- God is love...a former coworker used to say it to a friend of mine because he laughs so obnoxiously loud next to her that when he apologized for it, that was her response! Lol, I mean, LTMS....

10. "Let me direct you to customer service"- I have doubts about the authenticity of your jewelry.... Tiffany & Co.- Yes I have seen 'em, those Tiffany impostors!

One good turn deserves another

2010-01-05T10:18:00.000-08:00

So have you ever had a piece of tissue stuck to your shoe, food in your teeth or your hair sticking straight up on your head? I sure have and I have found it rare for someone to actually be nice and let you know, so you don't look stupid. Someone at a football game told me that I had something stuck in my teeth, and he had to be the 100th person I saw by the time the food was "noticed." Why do we have such a hard time telling people when something is wrong with them that can be fixed even though it may be embarrassing for them and for you. Is it really embarrassment or do we feel like its none of our business, or someone else will tell them. Since the guy at the game filled me in on my cruddy teeth, I have tried to make a better effort to help other people in their appearance ignorance, cause sometimes you just don't know. Like the time in 8th grade when I walked to the bus stop with my hair bonnet on. No one said anything to me and it was only until another classmate came to the bus stop and looked at me funny, did I realize I had my hair bonnet on. Oops! Tee hee hee! Today, there was a lady in my training class whose hair was sticking straight up and made her look very sloppy. I got up during break and brushed it down. She may have been slightly embarrassed, but not as much as if she had gotten home tonight or went on a date right after work and realized that her hair was sticking up all day and no one bothered to tell her, but clearly SAW it sticking up. Sometimes I believe people hate on you and don't tell you on purpose, maybe because they think its funny. Whatever the reason, let me know when I'm looking jacked up or I have a giant "boogie" hanging out of my nose, TELL ME!! I won't be mad....unless you don't!

...And surprise checks in the mail.

2009-09-28T09:42:00.000-07:00

Last week, I updated my Facebook status by sharing my testimony of a how I took to heart the words of my churchs' Building Fund Confession as we gave our tithes and offerings and received a bonus in my paycheck that same week. I struggled with how much I was going to give because I was in my flesh about it, but I knew God was going to be faithful to me so I gave more than I intended to give. Now it hurt for a minute, but as I was sitting there with my tithes and offering in hand, I surrendered my will to God's and was at peace.

Well the next day at work, I saw a link online saying the performance awards would show up in our checks that week. I was not even expecting an award. I followed the link, looked for my name and there it was! I was praising God! That was Monday. Well Saturday I had gotten home from a birthday cookout and saw some mail for me that my mom sent in a plain envelope. I opened it thinking there was my final bill from the power company since I moved, but when I pulled it out it was actually a check!! (Hence, "and surprise checks in the mail.") It was in the exact amount of what I paid on my last bill, not to mention, I had a credit on the statement before that one! Don't know where that credit came from either.

Now just to give you a background on the "Building Fund Confession". Our building has been built since 2004, but this was something the congregation said during the tithes and offering part of service when we were in the building process. We continue because it is a prophetic word that we speak over our lives, and to continue to be faithful in our obedience in giving. I love this part of service because I get to worship God cheerfully and give him back what he's given me and more!

It's very easy to give when won't hurt or when you know you'll have more than enough left over, but when you give anyway, and you know it's gonna be a sacrifice, that's when God goes out of his way to pour out his blessings! Whether it be a breakthrough in your finances, healing, deliverance from past hurts emotionally and mentally, fruit of the spirit, relationships, whatever is going to help you to be a better steward over the life God has given you! He wants a close relationship with you just like you want to be as close to your wife, husband, significant other...Giving can build a foundation of faith, trust, obedience, and a stronger love for HIM as he reveals his will for your life. So as he pours out on you, you are that much more happy, eager and compassionate to give to others in need. I have seen it happen soooo many times in my own walk with God.

Luke 6:38 says "Give and it shall be given unto you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you."

This was how they filled and measured your portion back then. A good measure was pressed down in the baskets to fit as much in as possible. They shook the basket to make more room and settle the wheat and then pressed more as it was added in, until it was practically running over. Don't you love it when they stuff as many french fries as can fit in the holder? Don't you love it when it's running over and there are so many that some fries are even in the bottom of the bag? Now don't you dislike it when you get a bag of chips that seems full, but has like 15 chips inside? Just "food" for thought! LoL!

Here is the Word of Faith Building Fund confession in its entirety, BE BLESSED!

Lord, we willingly, faithfully and cheerfully worship You with our giving through tithes and offerings.

We release our faith and finances so that ALL our ministry facilities will be built and our vision will be established in the Earth.

We believe that as we sow seend to establish the vision of Your house, You will also establish ours.

Therefore, as a result of our obedience in love and giving, we thank You for raises and increases, borrowed money to be returned to us, bonuses and increased commisions, rebates dividends, gifts and inheritances, cancelled debt, and surprise checks in the mail.

We bless You for blessing the health of our bodies, the sanity of our minds and the quality of our relationships.

We honor You for the divine favor that You bring to our lives!

In Jesus' name...

Amen

30 YEARS AND COUNTING!

2009-06-16T19:09:00.000-07:00

Wow, I turned 30 today! I'm very humbled because I had plenty of opportunities to not make it to this day. What a blessing God has given me! I have taken some time to wind down from my party weekend, to reflect on the next 10 years of my life. My 20's were great! It would make a great book someday, I mean there was heartache, romance, disappointments, parties, spiritual battles, triumphant victories, scratching and surviving, I could go on. Now things aren't necessarily perfect now, but there have been a lot of changes and some much needed growth. I've gained some valuable friends, lost some, restored friendships, and allowed life experiences to cause an amicable distance. All in all the true victory is that those changes have made me who I am today. I give myself room to transform into whoever and whatever I want to be and not apologized for it. God has taught me to truly let go of things out of my control and constantly rely on him. I'm not forcing it anymore. I'm listening for his voice to guide my footsteps and relinquishing my ideals of how life is supposed to go. Am I married yet? No, but it will happen sooner than I know it, and I am not sorry for myself or envious of others. Ecclesiates is a great reminder of knowing that there is a place in time God designated for my marriage. Do I have kids yet? No, big No. I want them, but man they are a huge responsibility, not to mention they can wear you out physically and fiscally! LOL! I'm in no rush to have more on me than I'm ready for. Am I million dollar movie star? Not yet, but GOD is asking for "Now Faith" so I'm giving it to him knowing he can do the impossible, and the odds in Hollywood can be just that. I was watching The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, and one line in the movie that stuck out to me was "You never know what's coming for ya." It's a very southern phrase but so very true. It reminds me that things won't always stay the same and even the things that we hope for that seem so distant or out of reach can surley come, even things we don't hope for. Therefore, just live. Life can come at you quickly and take you places, to meet people and experience things so extraordinary.

30 came for me and I'm finding a quiet confidence in living at this level. An assurance I didn't have at 25 when I went through the "quarter- life crisis." Many will say that's not real, or that that it's a term for lazy young people who can't get it together, but for me, it almost cost me my life. My state of mind was so in shock and deconstructed by dreams deferred, so to speak, that nothing I did brought happiness or sense of accomplishment. When you add in disappointments by way of job loss, heartbreak, and being displaced, only God can breathe life into dry bones. God can tell someone you don't even know to send you an email asking you to audition for a role in their play out of the blue, to bring you back to a place where he began a good work. "You never know what's coming for ya" at it's best!

30 is where my 2nd gust of wind will kick in and propel me to new heights without fear. I have no choice but to have FAITH. I have no choice but to expect a miracle everyday! Live your life!

Advance in 2009

2009-01-10T13:03:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year to those I have not seen or talked to lately! I'm excited about this year because I have committed to doing something that I have only been mildy successful at, and not very consistent. That is advancing God's Kingdom. Matthew 6:33 says "Seek ye first the Kingdom of God and his righteousness and all these things shall be given unto you." First of all to understand what "these things" are, you have to read the verses before this one. In the previous verses, God tells us not to worry about what we are going to eat, drink wear, but to have faith that he will provide our every need."These things" seem pretty basic, but to some people it is something they feel they have to chase, struggle to get, or have the best of the best and nothing less. We don't realize that they are a given, when we are focused on what's important to God. I love how my student Bible phrases this verse, it says "and he will give you everything you need from day to day if you live for him and make the Kingdom of God your primary concern. Does that sound hard? Conceptually, no, but in practice it is hard in this techno, impatient, all-you-can_______ world. It's easy to be concerned about a lot of things other than God's Kingdom. It's almost like God is telling us "Hakuna Matata, I can handle food, drink, and clothes, I got this, give me something bigger." This whole section 6:25-33) challenges us to change our focus.

This year more of my focus is on advancing His Kingdom. There are so many ways to do this, so my first step has been to get in his face. You know, spend time with Him, get to know His heart, really seek to know what matters to Him. God has opinions, (usually called "the truth") about our lives everyday all day, but do we stop and ask him for them? I have tried to do a lot of things by my own might that have not worked, so I figured if I just let God have his way I can't go wrong, right? Making what's important to him important to me releases me from making bad decisions, gives me freedom, and confidence that I am walking in his favor, no matter what.

God showed me that there are so many things in me that other people need to get them where he wants them to be, that if I'm so busy looking at myself, my circumstances, then I'm becoming stagnant and can't be useful in advancing anything. That being said, another step is serving.

There are times when I can be very selfish and a lot of times it stems from my own fear of lack. What better way to learn about gratitude and giving than serving those who really are lacking. I love helping people, and lately my heart has been drawn to serving the homeless. I want to be more consistent in giving them more time, attention, and food.

God is preparing me for great things in 2009, mainly so that he can be glorified. I'm not perfect, I'm just grateful for his forgiveness, and that he still wants to use little ole me. I look forward to all that he provides for me while I seek His Kingdom and His will for my life. There were so many things I wanted in 2008 that I was either denied or have been delayed, but I know that I will always have what I need, and while I'm seeking His righteousness, he seeks to bless me.

The Paintball Drive-By

2009-01-03T21:03:00.000-08:00

So something random is always happening to me, so my coworker (a.k.a Cor-Bear) tells me. Tuesday night I'm driving home from work and gabbing away on the phone to my friend. All of a sudden I hear this pow pow pow sound against the back of my car. Now at this point I'm a little anxious because if you scroll down, you will see what happened to my windshield...twice. Anyhoo, I kept driving because I didn't see anything and I thought I ran over something that was just flapping against my car so I didn't feel the need to stop to check on it, plus it was 11:30 at night. Well when I looked at my back window, there was a splash of color and I told my friend I think I've been paint balled, not sure but I'll know once I get home cause I 'm not stopping to find out.

I'm so glad I didn't because right when I saw the paint this car gets behind me and starts riding my car. Then they flash their lights like once or twice and then they pull up beside. Mind you I'm surprisingly calm. The car is slightly behind me but deliberately riding next to me. I began to get a little nervous thinking are these people out to get me? 2 seconds later the car abruptly gets back behind me exits off the highway. WHAT??!!! That was soooo weird. My friend asked me if I was ok cause she's getting scared for me and I'm like "child I'm not stopping cause I don't want whoever that was in that car to carjack me or kidnap me."

I really believe it was just a juvenile prank, but it really could've been some one targeting me to attack me. Who knows but I'm glad I didn't stop, because I was still safe and the paint came off, for the most part. What was the lesson in all of this? Well, Um, I don't know, if your car gets paintball keep going, your life is worth more than a few splashes of paint. If anything it may remind you to wash your dusty car for once, mine included! LOL!!!!

This Little Girl

2008-11-28T22:17:00.000-08:00

Who is this cute little girl you say???

Dominique Dawes didn't have anything on me!!

Ya'll I was lip Syncing my heart out, this was my school's version of "PUTTING' ON THE HITS"

Well it's me! That's right I had the jheri curl, probably a carefree curl at the time. So what, I felt like the black Shirley Temple. Anyway, I had an awesome day at work. We took our lunch break and had a good old fashion talent show. Well most of you know I'm an actor with lots of slashes (dancer/singer/...you get it...).

So my group did a "Gangsta Grizzill" remix of R&B classics with dancing, imitations, and a few throwbacks. It was so funny. It started out Tammy Terrell and Marvin Gaye, "You're all I need to get by" for the old heads, then the Mary J and Method Man version, then "real love" by Mary J. Hmmm a bit of six degrees huh? Then we went to Black Sheep's famous engine engine number 9...you finish the lyrics from "This or That" cause I know you know it. Next, we took it to the Fat Man Scoop remix of Faiths' "I never knew there was a love like this before" complete with the shout out to independent women and zodiac signs and all. You woulda thought you were at the original Club Esso from back in the day.

Finally, guess what we ended with?? What song is the feel good, no matter what age you are, family reunion anthem???? You guessed it, Frankie, Beverly and Maze " Before I let go!!!" I felt like I was at Phillips arena doing a concert it was so live!! Then I performed a poetic piece and even acted out scenes from movies for my coworkers to guess. I was in my element ya'll and I don't want to stop performing. My coworkers called me a triple threat and deep down I know I am, but this career is such a grind it can be challenging to keep those blinders on.

Later, I was at home enjoying some me time, thinking about where I want my career to go and wondering when will my star rise. Then I was reminded of how much I loved to perform as a little girl and I was inspired to right a poem for "her." My 3 year old self has always loved attention and performing, and sincerely wants to be a star. This is the poem I wrote to me/her to keep me motivated to keep "her" dream alive.

This Little Girl

This Little girl has a dream

To be the most talented performer the world's ever seen.

She loves to sing, act, write, and dance

All she wants is to be given a chance

To spread her wings and let her gift fly

Beyond the clouds of doubt, fear, and lies.

This little girl deserves to see her fantasies come to fruition

No more pretending, no more imaginations.

This little girl embodies creativity to no end,

With a beauty and spirit God has anointed.

Witty, charismatic, effervescent, and full of joy,

This little girl is about to make some noise.

No longer standing in the background, catching vapors of other's fulfilled dreams,

She's walking in the limelight of her own Hollywood scene.

The very one in which she was born to play,

This little girl Kaiesha lives success with every breath she takes.

I love this little girl and she's come a very long way and has sooo much farther to go. She is a star on the rise for sure. What do you think??

I Think I'm in Love!!!!!

2008-11-07T06:32:00.000-08:00

What a man, what a man, what a man, what a mighty good man...

This is my President!!!! I feel like I've fallen in love!!! I'm proud to show him off, he's charismatic, persistent and a man of great stature. Who wouldn't love a man like that. I found out that Barack Obama won as I was walking out of my job at the IRS. I could hear screams of excitement all over the parking lot and the energy was surreal. I've been walking around secretly beaming inside thinking of all the firsts we'll have together my President and I. Though it will be a super long distance relationship, I don't mind. I know he is handling his business for my well being and for millions of people, and I LOVE IT!!! I think of all the sacrifices he's made, the unnecessary attacks on his character, and the strength it took to NOT go off on folks like a Samuel L. Jackson character, and It reminds me that I made the right choice in voting for him. Is it just me, or does anybody else feel protective of him like he's your own family member? This is deep y'all, this is so historic and I can't wait to see how these "patriotic Americans" react to "their" new President. I mean it would be sooo unAmerican to say anything bad about the President of the United States of America right? But for now, nothing and no one can take this glow of love that I have for our President elect, Barack Obama. Everything in the world is brighter. Ahhh.

R.O.L.L.

2008-11-07T05:26:00.000-08:00

One of the guys I gave water to.

This is the actual trashcan

You might say what does R.O.L.L. mean? Well once again I've been a giving bandit. I was photographing in Centennial Park one day and I was about to leave with my client when I witnessed something that I don't think I have ever seen or if I have, it never sunk in. Well as we were walking a man walked up to a trash can, and you know when your'e talking and walking you're not always completely paying attention, well I saw him drink out of a coke bottle and throw it back in the trash can. Now I don't remember him having a bottle in his hands, that means he drank out of someone elses coke bottle. Wow. Then he found a sandwich and ate that too. Wow. I asked my client/friend if he really just ate right out of the trashcan. She was like yeah, and that just broke my heart. I have never seen someone eat a meal out of the trashcan from start to finish. You know the Holy spirit would not let me go until I did something about it.

Well I told her that I have to get him something because when we walked up closer to him, he was sweating really bad and it wasn't hot that day. I walked over to him and asked him what he wanted from the store and he said "can you get me McDonalds?" Now I was nowhere near a MCD's, so I was like naw but I can get you something to drink and snacks from the store. He was like can I some chips and water. Now if you live in the 'A' you know the homeless folks just want money 90% of the time. This guy was hungry and thirsty, thats it. He could have asked for money, but he didn't. This is how I knew he wasn't trying to get over. I ended up getting four bottles of water and four bags of chips because there were other homeless people where he was and I didn't feel right just giving him something and not them. Well I got back and it was funny because two of the people there were like, "somebody said there was some free drinks." now he saw me ask the guy what he wanted, I don't recall saying that, but that was my intention anyway. I gave him and the girl he was with a bottle of water, and another guy sitting there one. I found the original guy and gave him the water and chips.

God tested me in this situation because I had just gotten that money from my client and there was a slpit second where I actually could have kept going and did nothing. God is so good!!! He will test you to see if you will be faithful to him when he asks you to do something, and to see what you will do with what he gives you. Business is growing yall and God's favor is upon me. I encourage you to give beyond what's comfortable, have compassion when it not easy to, and...R.O.L.L.... Reach Out with Love for the Least.

Lightning struck twice

2008-10-05T21:51:00.000-07:00

This is how my windshield looked the first time it was smashed July 25, 2008.

This is how my windshield looked the second time it was smashed September 1, 2008.

I don't know why this past summer was so harsh for me. As you can see "lightning" struck me twice on a wound that was just healing. In July my windshield was smashed by a tire tread on I-16 40miles from Savannah. I looked to my left and when I looked back, to the road, something black was falling from the sky. I was so shaken, and shocked I kinda kept driving for a second like "what just happened?" I actually only assumed that it was a tire tread because the car in front of me had maneuvered out of the way of another piece in the road. My only other assumption was that the car in front of me had rolled over the first piece causing it to fly up and smash my windshield.

After two weeks with a rental car and my account a $500 deductible short, (that I had to hustle my hind off for!!!) I finally got my baby back with a shiny new windshield. Yay!! I'm driving , but still kinda paranoid cause that was such a freak accident. Well on my way to photograph the Welcome Home Hip Hop event September 1, Labor day, I'm driving and talking to my friend Becky (safely on my blue tooth!) and I clearly see the back tire of the car in front of me roll over something that.... ta da! flies up and smashes my windshield on the right side. AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!! I'm furious. This all happened at night near construction on 75/85 in a matter of seconds. The first thing I say is "Are you kidding me??!!" I'm trying to flag the car down cause I'm pissed and I don't want to pay for this AGAIN! Well they couldn't even understand me, and then they were going on 400 and I didn't have any toll money. I mean I knew they were not "responsible" to pay because it was an accident, but tell that to my bank account. Well all I could do was go to the event, photograph people hoping they wanted to purchase my work, and get some MORE money for this windshield.

After talking to like 4 insurance reps, I'm frustrated and feeling powerless. Who has $1000 in deductible money to pay for a windshield that gets smashed twice in 2 months? Thank God for the last insurance lady who found and better option for me. She called a mobile glass company, got me an estimate just for the windshield under $200.00. Praise the Lord! Well I didn't have the money that day so they came the next day when my check hit my account. That day I went to church thinking I don't have enough left to pay any bills on time, but when I got home and looked at my account, and another check had been deposited in my account by accident. Praise the Lord Again!!! God knew what I needed because that payment was supposed to come that next week and I would have had late fees on my bills.

I don't know why this windshield business happened to me twice. I can only say that God is truly in control because both times I walked away with my life. Sometimes he has to remind us that even when everything is taken away, destroyed, or out of order, God is a God of Restoration. So I continue to put my trust in HIM. I have had other stressful trials in the last few months, but God has truly restored me and supplied me with ALL my needs. I am so grateful. What has God done for you lately?

60 MPH is the new full tank

2008-10-05T21:35:00.000-07:00

So since the recent gas shortage has gotten everybody changing their gasoline options, I have decided to drastically change mine. Well it is drastic for me, because I usually drive 75-80mph. (flow of traffic...hey this is the 'A') I have decided to start driving 60 MPH pn the highway to conserve the gas in my tank. On Sunday, I had a little over a half of a tank, and that was that night. Monday through Friday I have to drive approximately 35-40miles each way to work. What I noticed by Wednesday was that I was one notch under a half of a tank. That's pretty good considering I went to TACO MAC with the gang after acting class too. Anyhoo, by Friday my tank was at a quarter of a tank and you might say "Go Fill Up!!" but I knew that I probably wouldn't have to until Saturday after class. I was correct. I sometimes wait to get gas depending on how much money I have at the time and the price did seem to go down when I got it.

Overall, I found that though I may piss off a few people driving that slow, it tremendously saved me a huge amount of gas. You should try it for a week and see don't your pockets thank you for it. I also noticed more of my surroundings and wasn't as rushed when I got to work. That's another thing, make sure you leave in enough time to get to work. Just putting in my 2 cents...that I saved driving along with the regular slow pokes. The S-L-O LANE!! LOL!!

The Last Day

2008-09-18T01:18:00.000-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fyPI2r9lW3g

This song reminds me that there are still so many things to look forward to and to reach for daily. God has given us assignments while we're here. Let's all pass with flying colors. Remember, there is no retest.

Kaiesha

It's Not All About You!!!

2008-09-18T00:27:00.000-07:00

This weekend (August 9, 2008) I had an experience that reminded me that sometimes I need to stop focusing on me. I was leaving my apartment to go to Walgreens to pick up a photo. As I'm walking down the steps, my right foot slips and I am slipping down the steps, but I don't fall. I am basically holding onto the rails for dear life. I'm shocked, a little nervous, but ok, despite the fact that the kids in the hallway are trying not to laugh at me. I tell them to go ahead and laugh, cause I had laugh at myself as well.

As I'm going about my day, I realize that my hand is burned from sliding down the railing and my neck, back, and head hurt. On my way to this audition it gets worse, so I call my mom and she tells me to soak and take tylenol cause it's gonna hurt worse. Around this time, I get turned around and can't find the audition.
After about 25 mins of driving around town I'm getting frustrated at the amount of gas I have just wasted and missed the audition. So I recite the scripture "All things work together for good to them that love God..." so I changed my attitude and at this same time I saw two homeless men on Ponce Deleon. One sleeping the other just standing in the August heat. The Holy Spirit stirred my heart to feel compassion toward them. I was complaining about a mulititude of things trying to get to this audition, heat being the major thing since I rarely use air in my car. I thought, "I know if I'm hot, then they are definitely burning up."

I quickly turned into a gas station, purchased two big bottles of water, and drove a whole block just to go back to give them some water. As I drove over to the men. It dawns on me that my passenger window doesn't roll down, yet I am still trying to talk to the guy through that window. All the while there are cars behind me trying to figure out if I'm driving or not. He's looking at me crazy like why is this car here, so I roll down the back window, and I guess he saw the bottle and came over. I ask him if he'd like a bottle of water, he says thank you then I offer another for his sleeping friend. Then he kinda gives me a look of surprise and gratitude, and I say God Bless You! My spirit is overwhelmed that God's love could be shown through me.

After that, I drove down through little Five Points thinking of how many more homeless people could have used a cool drink. I was thinking of how I could do more for those less fortunate than myself. As I parked my car in lil 5 points, I realized something that God has been trying to get me to see in the midst of my trials. First of all my back pain had gone away. I was so busy focusing on the needs of someone else, I had no time to focus on my pain. God wanted me to see that thinking of others, serving, being and present help in the time of someone elses need, puts my life into perspective and allows God to bless (heal, deliver, restore...) me in my time of need. Things could always be worse, so when I get wrapped up in my issues, I am reminded that others hurt too, it's not all about me.