I'm Bernard Madoff--I'm Telling All. Right Here. Trust Me.

#Madoff Moves to #Kickstarter

2012-01-26T14:29:00.001-05:00

To: Andy Madoff
From: Your Dad

I got your note re: request to hand over the private numbers of ~~our~~ my investors. All I can is, "Schmuck! Why go back to a poisoned well when you can kickstart your stupid idea using "Kickstarter.com"?

If you still haven't learned how to read, get your shicksa goddess to read you today's story in the Times talking about a company that serves as a fund raising platform for this mishegas "crowd-funding" idea. This thing isn't regulated at all, and it allows knuckleheads like you to solicit investment capital for what those of us with more than 15 minutes of financial industry experience would define as being nothing more than old-fashioned investment schemes.

Here's the real kicker; instead of using those clowns at Goldman, Morgan and Merrill charging the typical 7% underwriting fee, these kickstarter guys are dsintermediating the investment bank industry and only charging 5 points. Its f**king brilliant!

While those bonebrains at SEC spend half their day coming to this blog, and the other half chasing after ghosts, you need to put your idea on Kickstarter. If it only sounds like a really good idea, you could raise millions, without having to provide any documentation, without having to register any securities with any regulators, without having to pay legal fees, without having to pay idiot CPAs to prepare worthless audit documents and without having to be accountible to anyone..And, if the wind simply blows in a different direction two minutes after the money is released to you, no worries! You can keep it all and have dinner at Primola every night for the rest of the year!

Don't believe me?? Read about the guy that solicited $15k to create a watchband to support one of those iPod devices...a watchband! The kid raised 900 Grand simply by promoting the idea on the Kickstarter website! What do you think he's doing with the $885k surplus?? I'll tell you what he isn't doing: he's not paying interest or dividends to any investors, that's for sure! And, its LEGAL!

Here's what's going to happen next: after Mitch Romney loses in the general election, his boys are going to buy kickstarter--and Newt Gingrich is going to be their DC lobbyist. Everybody wins! No worries about insider trading because there's no public stock, and if they want to manipulate SecondMarkets..so be it! Its all legal!
Love,
Dad

#Madoff Son Sounding Off: #SOPA Soap

2012-01-23T13:54:00.002-05:00

From: A. Madoff
To: B. Madoff
Dad:
What with Cathy's book sales lagging somewhat, I need your mailing list so that we can promote a billion-dollar idea for a product line that we'll be selling under the Black Umbrella brand. We've already licensed the right to manufacture (see the prototypes images below) the solution to all of the noise being created around the SOPA (Stop Online Piracy Act) legislation, and it'll be "killer."

I'm actually taking a page out of your playbook--the one that prohibited any electronic communication between you and the firm's investors. I'll admit that you were brilliant about this; if I had used email to ask you about all of those trades with out-sized profits that showed up in my personal trading account, Picard's people would still have me peeing my pants! (If only Picower et al had taken your lead, I'm sure they wouldn't have been so quick to settle on that $7bil! lol)

In any case, Cathy and I are convinced that the below umbrella version, the peer-to-peer version, and the corporate version will capture a major share of the $50 billion/year on-line privacy product and security solutions marketplace. EVERYBODY is going to want to have at least one of these babies!

How do I know? We've already got $500,000 in orders from hedge fund homies who are worried about that guy Makol showing up for pancakes, and Herman Cain says he wants to buy a distributorship! The most exciting part is that Newt Gingrich stopped by Mom's place during his first stop in Florida today, and he's offered to endorse our products in a series of ad campaigns with the tag line: "If you want to talk about an open marriage, keep it a closed discussion!"

If you can get Ike on board to promote it to the legal industry, we'll give him shares in the company at the founder's price--and we'll even outfit his new office with the Umbrella version..I'd have to believe that your pal Junior would order a truck load for his "family", right?

Let's "move that bus" and get you on board this new venture (after all, I'm still struggling by on the cash that you gave me...)

Hope you're having fun!
Andy

#Madoff Sees SEC Steward Jump Ship w #Megaupload

2012-01-20T14:50:00.000-05:00

From: Inspector General David Kotz
To: Mary Shapiro
cc: Bernie Madoff

Dear Mary:

It is with a deep sense of pride for "mission accomplished" that I bid you all adieu and take leave for my new mission as a high-paid private dick in the private sector.

Alas, as many times as you've called me "Col. Klotz" in ridicule, this will not be the last you hear from me; I take with me ten box loads of correspondences and sworn affidavits from no less than 3000 reward-seeking, whistle-blowing congressional aides and interns whose knowledge about insider trading inside the halls of Congress have fallen on the deaf ears of the dumb dolts and spineless senior officials at SEC who insist that it would be "a conflict of interest" to pursue causes of action against the hands that feed them. Rest assured, these files have already been moved safely off-shore and megauploaded into e-file lockers that only I have the keys to, and will only be shared with those that pay a minimum $100,000 per month subscription (cash only!).

You might say that "these whistle-blowers are blowing into the wind," and some might even claim that my quest to serve as their advocate will make me a modern day Don Quixote. I say, "HA!" as I laugh in your faces and point to the millions of dollars that Harry Markopolos, who is an amateur compared to me, will be reaping from the mere handful of actions that he has brought to the court system.

But, unlike Markopolos, the training that I have received from Special Agent David Makol (over there on the right..), who I fondly refer to as "Flipper", has provided me with an arsenal of tactics in the art of confession coercion, from provoking pants peeing to water boarding, all of which will enable me to make untold millions from private clients seeking to extract confessions that, regardless of whether they can hold water, will yield bountiful bounties (or simply provide my high flying clients with information that they can bury).

Yes, you might argue that the Captains of Congress will trip in their lifeboats as the ship is sinking, and they'll pass whatever laws necessary to give themselves immunity from criminal prosecution. I laugh again! as I don't give a sh*t about criminal prosecutions anymore; my quest will find me in civil courts where judgements of punitive fines and treble damages will line my pockets with gold.

Speaking of gold, my hat is off to Bernie for his recent recommendation. I have already smelted the medals that have been pinned to my chest and have sent them to State Street to create a special ETF.

Yours ever truly,
D. Kotz

Bernie Turns Bullish On...

2012-01-16T12:38:00.002-05:00

For you twits that can only read 140 characters, I'm not tweeting the product that I'm telling Ruth, Jeff's wife Barbara, and the rest of my followers to put their money into.

I've given a lot of thought to what would be the best investing strategy for 2012. I've taken into account macro economic issues, geopolitical and domestic political issues, and I've weighed all of the theoretical events that could impact specific asset classes. I hate to say it, but here's what I've concluded:

1. The Euro is a catastrophe; half of the countries that make up the EU are effectively bankrupt, the other half are on there way to the same place.

2. Despite whatever the latest indicators might suggest, not only is the US economy in the shitter, but its headed into a nosedive. The total lack of leadership's ability (some would say lack of leadership, period), coupled with the failure of our government representatives to want to agree on any type of a plan has convinced me that we're headed into a period where there's only one asset class that will outperform with certainty.

3. Yep..it's clear to me that owning equities is a recipe for disaster. Going long gold, whether by selling out-of-the-money GLD puts, or via buying physical inventory and maybe writing calls against the long position (GLD near term and mid-term 180's) is where you're going to make your money for the next 6-12 months. Probably for the next 2-3 years.

The middle-east situation is a disaster that's not waiting to happen, its happening. The only solution to putting that genie back in that bottle is for us to publicly announce that we're re-introducing the neutron bomb. If those lunatics over there want to continue to wave their nuclear swords, that's fine. If they know that with one press of a neutron button that they'll all disappear, without any of us having to experience the fallout of any fallout, they might think twice about wanting to spend the rest of eternity with 1000 virgins.

Nobody can print money endlessly without being kicked in the head at some point by hyper-inflation. 1+1 eventually always adds up to 2. Its that simple. The politicians that we elected know this, and they know they're not smart enough, or capable enough to deliver any meaningful solutions. That's why they spend all of their time figuring out how to pass bills that line their personal pockets, and that's the reason they run for office now.

BLM

2012-01-10T18:14:00.000-05:00

To: Toni
From: Bernie
I know that you're mucho Astuto, so I wouldn't second guess your displaying the role that you played at the firm.

That said, before the keystone cops wake up from their 100 year naps, you might want to edit your LinkedIn profile and delete the :"Maintained and managed SEC regulatory records including...personal brokerage accounts of all employees." If Picard's bloodhounds get wind of that professional task, you might have a knock at your door while you're still in your jammies.'
BLM

As long as we're on the topic of legal issues, kudos to that judge for dismissing the ridiculous suits brought on behalf of those morons that invested in feeder funds that turned around and invested in me.

First, your 40% contingency lawyers should have known that you people have zero (zilch!) standing.
Second: The only claims that Picard's people can approve are ones involving direct investors--the people that wrote checks to BLM.
Third: You didn't deposit your funds into a SIPC regulated brokerage account, you simply handed your money to an investment manager that couldn't find a hole if it had hair on it, no less one that had their own E&O coverage.
Last: This means you were stupid then, and if you paid any type of retainer to the lawyers that brought this suit, you're even more stupid now than you were then.

On another topic--to you smarty pants people that want to keep believing that Jeff Picower was the mastermind and I was the gopher--all I can say is you'll have to ask him. Last I heard, he was in Libya buying up drilling rights. [What? You still think he died in his swimming pool??]

Let's switch to politics. Me and Junior had to finally petition the Warden to block these f**king GOP presidential debates. Half of the guys in here have been having nightmares since these shows first started, and the other half are now wetting their beds. The good news is that the Warden acquiesced when he realized that allowing this stuff to be broadcast in here is nothing short of cruel and unusual punishment.

Speaking of "shorts"...Everybody wants to know if I think this is the spot to short the stock market. To those of you that haven't been subscribing to my private newsletter, this would be the time to start subscribing to it.
As far as the other "shorts" topic--I'm hearing that crazy "King of TP" is rolling out a presidential election series of toilet paper for you political junkies.. For those of you running those "super PACs", you'll want to place your order sooner rather than later. This is the site you'll want to run to before you get the runs..JustToiletPaper
BLM

#Madoff Reply to #Rothstein

2012-01-03T20:08:00.002-05:00

To: Scott Rothstein
From: Bernie Madoff
I don't know you, and to tell the truth, I haven't paid much attention to your story.

All I know is that that you ripped off a bunch of people in Miami in some kind of a Ponzi scheme, and that you're now in the witness protection program singing like a canary. The only other thing I know is that you made a reference to me in a recent interview, and suggested that you're both "smarter" and "better" than me because you're "doing the right thing" by implicating your "co-conspirators" as well as your "enablers", the latter of whom supposedly includes local law enforcement officers and local enforcers from "the mob."

Let me see if I can get you to think like something other than a mental retard when it comes to opining about me, and the differences between "right" and "wrong."

1. If you haven't kept up with my blog, you might not be aware that Carmine "Junior" Persico is my bridge partner. You might have heard of him. One of the other regulars in our game is a former Mossad agent. Actually, he's a former analyst for US intelligence, but he was railroaded. But I'm getting off point--between the two of them, they could write a 200-page discourse on what happens to rats and squealers.

2. Trust me when I relay their combined observations and advice to you:
a. The phrase "Witness Protection" ranks right up there with another beauty: "Military Intelligence."
b. Dead men tell no lies.

3. Me? I'd rather be remembered as a louse than as a rat.
BLM

#Madoff End-of-Year Musings and Choco-Wasabi Peas for 2012!

2011-12-30T12:45:00.005-05:00

Yeah, I know that some of you loyalists are miffed that you haven't heard from me in a few days, but if you had half a brain, you'd have already subscribed to my private newsletter, which I put out every two days!

But, after those people at CNBC asked me to do an exclusive interview and share my reflections about what happened in 2011, and to provide some thoughts about what's in store for 2012, I figured that I'd reach a bigger audience through my blog, so here goes:

From where I'm sitting, nothing much happened in 2011 that should have surprised anyone, other than maybe Momo Gadaffi and a few other knucklehead camel jockeys that didn't get the memo: "High-Rise Luxury Condos in Manhattan Are Your Next Great Investment!"

Sure, the "Arab Spring" caught a bunch of people by surprise. Who would have thought that Twitter, the distribution channel for my new fav "JewAmerPrincess", would have been the weapon of mass destruction for half the Arab world's leaders, or that it would have been used to inspire that other ridiculous carnival, "Occupy Wall Street"?

Arab Spring? Give me a f**king break! And while we're at it, somebody should stick a sock in Anderson Cooper's mouth. Nothing good for the world has come from those overthrows, other than provide a back door to every wild-eyed, radical Islamic fundamentalist who thinks they're going to spend their after life in a bordello filled with a thousand 14 year-old virgins!

[Note to: Anderson Cooper--enough already with your latest, f**king all-night-long segments about "what's going on in Syria"! We don't care! More to the point, if you've done a "before and after" look at what's happened in Afghanistan, Iraq, Egypt, Libya, and all of those other places, you'd realize that everyone in the US, not to mention all of those poor bastards living in those God-forsaken places in the deserts, are better off when those countries are being run by dictators and despots! Now that they're gone, that whole part of the map is like a scene from One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest! And trust me, its only going to get worse, not better.

Next: 2011's Financial Markets and Global Economy. You don't have to have Asberger's to know that I've called just about every major move in stocks, currencies and commodities throughout this past year. 600 pt swings in the Dow, $200 swings in Gold, the big up move in oil. I even picked the right entry price for people wanting to buy $1million or smaller pieces of the "Madoff SIPC claims."

My secret? I don't buy and sell individual stocks. All of the shenanigans that corporate CEO's like to pull make it almost impossible to avoid an after-the-close headline that causes the stock to crater. Instead, I trade markets, which trend and trade in cycles. Period.

Other than front-runners and people with real inside information (including the dolts in Congress that I outed 3 months before 60 Minutes even got the story), any idiot that claims to be able to forecast stock prices based on projected earnings, competitive position, housing starts, retail sales, or any other economic indicator is full of sh*t. That's why I'm only trading ETFs and writing options. Every once in a while, I'll do some variance swaps when I'm confident about the direction of volatility. And, I'm only going to execute through an agency execution firm that knows how to get the right price, as opposed to letting Schwab or Fidelity rape me by delivering shitty executions from brokers that are paying them kick backs for order flow.

In 2012, the equity markets will trade in a 12%-15% range. Interest rates won't move much, although muni-bond yields are probably going to widen out starting in Q2, after we finally start seeing some real calamities. Oil will trade between 80-110 and even though every fat cat loaded up on gold in 2011, if the world does come to end, what the f*ck is anyone going to do with it? BTW...anybody that buys stock in the FaceBook IPO would be better off buying a truckload of toilet paper.

Presidential Election Outlook. Here we are again, with the GOP putting on a show that would be better produced by Lorne Michaels over at SNL. Unless Bin Laden rise from the dead, President Obama is going to be re-elected. If the polls put the Republicans ahead in the final stretch, he'll have Joe Biden switch seats with Hillary Clinton to clinch the election.

White Collar Prosecutions: Business will be as usual; the keystone cops will keep chasing the horses after they get out of the barn, and the crooks with clout will simply grease their pals in Congress to keep them out of jail. Can you spell C-O-R-Z-I-N-E?

The SEC's new software that "roots out" hedge funds that are out-performing their peers? Aside from the fact this new strategy will result in dozens of defamation lawsuits brought by those that legitimately perform better than the average wonks that charge 2 & 20, Ron Paul's idea about closing half-a-dozen government agencies should include the SEC, not the EPA..and certainly not the Dept of Education!

Mary Shapiro is going to be working at BofA, or maybe MorganStanley before the end of 2012. Verizon IS going to roll-back the $2 fee for paying bills by credit card..just like the idiots at those banks that announced, and then rolled back plans to add those ridiculous and egregious account fees after hundreds of thousands of customers moved their accounts to credit unions. What? You think these big companies will ever learn not to make stupid mistakes that burn their brand images? Ha!

Everybody, including Ruthie, Shana, and Andy's shiksa goddess tells me that Chocolate-Covered Wasabi Beans will be the "cupcake" of 2012. How do I know that they're right? I hear that Sable's is already carrying them, and Andy tells me that Primola is going to get rid of those stale dessert cookies, and serve these tasty items starting next month!

Last..at least for this update, I'm going to introduce a suite of apps for mobile devices. I can't tell you what those apps will do, but its going to be killer stuff!

Happy New Year to all, and to all, a good night!
BLM

A #Madoff #Chanukah

2011-12-20T12:57:00.000-05:00

To: Shana
From: Uncle Bernie
For this year's Chanukah gift..I got you and the girls gift cards to @JewAmerPrincess..be careful though--it might make you girls pee your pants..

BLM

Its the Pits for Pitz-

2011-12-15T17:49:00.000-05:00

To: Bernie
From: Enrica
I kept telling you that all of those shenanigans that Nan put me up to would get us all in trouble..and she and "Dimes" kept telling me to stop nagging, and that my Christmas bonuses would "cover me."

Maybe if those FBI schmucks didn't waterboard the Kugels, I wouldn't be in this jam, but then again, Dimes could have starred in the "Gang that Couldn't Shoot Straight.." and I know that he's been babbling like a baby to the Feds for the past 3 years.

Anyway, now that I've decided to enter a plea, you can tell your friend Sonny Cohn, and his daughter, that I'm not going down alone.
ECP

#Madoff Anniversary: I'm forging into the future!

2011-12-11T13:26:00.001-05:00

There's a reason why today I'm once again profiled on the front page of the New York Times business section. I am, and will continue to be one of the most influential people of this generation For those that think they can learn from history towards making the world a better place, I will remain a mentor of incomparable stature..

Since Diana Henriques took over from where sweet little Erin Arvedlund left off covering my life story on a regular basis (and making herself a nice pot of gelt by scoring an advance for film rights to her book), its become abundantly clear that aside from my being a genius, a thought leader, and one heck of a good-looking guy, I am a human being with emotions.

Three years to the week that I turned myself in, and one year to the date that my first born son took his life, no doubt many of the thousands of you people that come to this blog every day are expecting me to voice my contrition and plead mea culpa for the umpteenth time. F*ck that.

I've voiced my remorse, regret and contrition plenty of damn times already. The smart people that read my [almost] daily briefings know this. The really smart ones are focused on my savvy political insights, my uncanny intuitive and perceptive talents, my unequaled knowledge of how the world's financial markets really operate, and my Midas-like observations on where this world as we know it is headed if we don't follow my recommendations.

I scare the cr*p out of all of those boneheads in Washington and Wall Street that follow this blog on a minute-to-minute basis. They're scared sh*tless that I'll out them, or that I'll reveal how really inept or corrupt they are individually; not just the agencies or firms they work at. Some of you are wetting your beds wondering if and when those photos I have of you are going to be released through Erin's blog. To that last group I say: you should be worrying.

To the rest of you, here's my promise on this "3rd anniversary" : I'll remain dedicated to enriching the lives of anyone and everyone that embraces my genius. Not just through the brilliant observations that I make right here, but through an exclusive, private newsletter that will include your ability to chat live with me through a secure website. This new service will only be available to 1000 individuals and the $25,000/month subscription rate is a f*cking bargain when you consider all of the prescient and genius observations that I've made right here on this very blog for the past three years.

If you want to subscribe, send me an email, and include your credit card info. Trust me, this is a service that you won't regret.
BLM

#Madoff Counsels #Corzine...Pro Bono

2011-12-08T15:31:00.000-05:00

To: Jon
From: Bernie
When Junior [Persico] pulled me from the steam room here to insist that I watch you on TV, I thought he tuned into Comedy Central!

Take it from someone that's been there and done that:
1. Telling those "dufuses" on Capital Hill that you "inherited a firm doomed by your predecessors' bad financial decisions' is a pitch they've heard a few too many times before.

2. As much as I appreciate you've become fluent in WashSpeak, what lawyer can't love your comment "...given the number of transactions, I'm not in a position to know anything specifically about the movement of specific funds." ? Thank God there's no law against obfuscation! Ha!

3. "I had no intention to authorize the transfer of segregated funds.." What the f*ck does that mean? You didn't intend to, but your finger hit the send button by accident?

"I would never intend to direct or have segregated funds moved.." You forgot to add "..to any foreign back account that could be easily discovered.."

4. When telling everyone "...it is extremely difficult to reconstruct the events that occurred during the chaotic days and the last hours leading up to the bankruptcy filing.."... Why didn't you tell them the truth??...and that you were busy chewing down Zolofts like they were M&M's?! What?

I never "intended" to create the shit storm that wound me up in this place, so I'm rooting for you to skate out of the mess that you're in...if your argument about "lack of intent" actually flies, that's when I know my petition for clemency is going to be golden!
Best, as always-
Bernie

Madoff Trustee Can Appeal $19 Billion JPMorgan Ruling

2011-12-01T18:35:00.000-05:00

To: Jamie Dimon
From: Irv Picard

In case you've been distracted all day by the MF Global stuff, you might have thought the case I brought was tossed, but..thanks to another judge that you forgot to send a toaster to, "it ain't over until the fat lady sings."
See you in court.
Irv

#Madoff: Can't Make This Sh*t Up: BonVoyage to Barney Frank

2011-11-28T12:20:00.003-05:00

To: Barney
From: Bernie

I know that I've mistakenly called you Barney Fife (instead of "Frank") almost every time that you've been mentioned in my musings. However funny it was to everyone else, I'm guessing that its always bothered you, but at least I didn't call you "Barney The Fruit", or something even worse. I actually don't think its that funny to make fun of someone's sexual leanings--no pun intended. Now that you've announced that you're not running for re-election, I tip my hat and wave farewell.

After rolling in laughter while reading this morning's Times, I'm thinking at least two other long-time congressional occupants might consider doing the same thing. Junior (Persico) insists that someone sent me a copy of The Onion and dressed it up to look like the Times..but when I checked my online edition of The New York Times...I saw the same exact article ( "A Change in Attitude About Dubious Stock Deals"), and the same exact comments attributed to two different members of Congress representing opposite sides of the aisle.

If you haven't seen the article, it profiles the topic of congressional insider trading--one that I brought to light right here on my blog two months ago, and one that your friends in the House now feel compelled to hold hearings on. What was the funniest thing in today's article?

"....According to Rep. Louise Slaughter (D)...“My colleagues are really starting to understand that light needs to be shed on insider trading and political intelligence which has been creeping into the halls of Congress for years now.."

Her colleagues are just now starting to understand this is an issue?? Wait..it gets better--from the other side of the aisle:

“I’m not familiar with the details,” Representative Eric Cantor, the Virginia Republican and House majority leader, told reporters recently about new legislation that called for more disclosure. “If there is any sense of impropriety or any appearance of that, we should take extra steps to make sure the public’s cynicism is addressed,” he said.

Eric Cantor doesn't know that there's a national perception of ongoing impropriety being perpetrated by most members of Congress?? He's kidding, right??

Here's the step he (and the rest of your friends) should take to make sure the "public's cynicism" is "addressed" : Out the window of the 11th floor office that he's sitting in right now!

Best regards-

BLM

#Madoff Wedding Anniversary Musings

2011-11-28T10:21:00.000-05:00

To: My Baby Ruth
From: Bernie

Another wedding anniversary!
It seems like yesterday when we were on the beach in Montauk, with not a care in the world. Not a day goes by that I don't think about you; your kvetching about the lousy service at Primola, your flatuating :), and your making sure that I always had the best looking ties.

You were always by my side during good times and bad..well, mostly.

Even if I can't turn the clock back and make things different (including giving you $10 million in diamonds instead of writing a $10 million check for our anniversary three years ago), once the pardon comes through, I promise that the first thing we're going to do is take a trip to Paris and go shopping. And, since the Euro is about to implode, I'm thinking that we'll be able to get some really great bargains!
Happy Anniversary!
Your "Big Boy"--
Bernie

Corzine Seeks Counsel..from Madoff!

2011-11-22T17:17:00.001-05:00

To: Jon Corzine

From: Bernie Madoff

You might like to think that you're smarter than me, and I won't debate whether or not you're better 'connected' than I am, but since your people reached out to me for advice, here it is:

1. Legal counsel: Sure, you can hire Ike, or maybe someone like Teddy Wells, but if I were you, I'd hire Nan's lawyer, Mo. You don't see her sitting behind bars, do you?

2. Don't look so shell-shocked..And, before you appear before that Senate hearing, get yourself a shave. Most people believe that people who wear beards have something to hide. And, in most cases, they're right.

3. You need to come to grips with the fact that if they haven't already, your "long-time friends throughout the Industry" are history. What? You need to see a bus with your name on the front panel above the windshield to figure this out? You're about to be thrown under that bus. Its that simple. I'm willing to bet that your old pal Lloyd can't wait to testify against you.

4. You might want to tell everyone that the reason you loaded up on all of those foreign government bonds was part of a strategy that Tim Geithner suggested. As far as explaining away how customer funds wound up in your firm's prop trading account, that's easy to explain--only as long as there's no email or txt message trail to refute your story that those journal movements were done by underlings without your authorization.

5. Deflect the topic of MF Global and use your Senate hearing opportunity to talk about the lunacy that's taking place down in Washington right now, and the only reason that you loaded up on foreign bonds was because 20 different senators told you there was no f**king way that the "super committee" would even come close to coming up with a plan, and that the whole multi-million dollar exercise where those people spent $100 on danishes for their meetings was purposefully intended to fail.

5. If all else fails, how's your bridge game these days? I'm putting together a celebrity team in here and if you're a Life Master, I'm thinking I could add you to the team.
BLM

#Madoff Thanksgiving Kugel

2011-11-21T19:04:00.001-05:00

From: Bernie
To: Nan Bongiorno
cc: Pete

re: Kugel

I couldn't figure out why you wanted to know "how to cook kugel", especially with Thanksgiving coming up, but Andy's brown-nosing shiksa goddess said she'd send you the recipe that goes with the photo over to the right.

In the mean time, don't worry about whatever David might have said as part of his 'cooperation agreement' or how it might effect you:

1. Its not as there's any email trails, so its his word against yours. What you need to do is run a poster campaign using that great photo of you with a caption that reads: "Do I Look Like a Criminal?!" Speak to Andy--maybe he and his girlfriend can create a t-shirt that you can merchandise!

2. Speaking of looking, have Mo look into the rumors I heard about those keystone kops using Kugel's swimming pool for water-boarding the statement out of him. That sh*t is happening more and more.

3. Whatever Kugel said, they'll need Dimes to corroborate the accusations against you, and we know that isn't happening anytime time soon. But, don't quote me on that.

4. Even if those boneheads can make a case against you (and Jodi) stick, thanks to today's "shocking news" re: "super committee" failing to come up with a budget plan, by the time the feds get around to turning the screws on you, there won't be any money left in the federal prison budget to take in any more people, no less pay the screws that work in the prisons! Ha!

5. Tell Steve that he's welcome for my telling him one week ago today that the next 600 points on the Dow would be "south". But, unless he sends in a check for this quarter's subscription, I'm not sending him any more market alerts.

6. Re above #4--Yes, I knew that the "super committee" was nothing more than a Ponzi scheme..taking confidence from one group to pass it to everyone else. Don't think for a minute that anyone in the GOP would have allowed any type of deal to be made as we move into election season. In fact, they stacked the committee with people they could rely on to do what they do best: nothing. As far as the democrats, well..what can I say? Out-flanked, out-gunned and out of any ideas that two people can agree on. And people say that the Euro is in a crisis? Oy!
BLM

Madoff Uncovered Congress Insider Trading

2011-11-14T10:06:00.000-05:00

On October 6-yours truly, Midas Madoff scooped the 'insider trading in Washington' story that 60 minutes just got around to profiling last night..You don't believe me? Ha! Click here for my comments from more than a month ago!
In any case, if you didn't see last night's 60 Minutes, grab yourself a cup of coffee and sit back to watch:

SEC Bitch-Slaps Staff for #Madoff

2011-11-11T16:23:00.003-05:00

Seven employees at the Securities Exchange Commission (SEC) have been disciplined, bitch-slapped, and one has resigned, over the agency's failure to detect the multibillion-dollar Ponzi scheme orchestrated by Bernard Madoff, according to a media report.

The Washington Post reported Friday that employees were bitch-slapped, suspended, had their pay cut, or demoted for their failures, and that the employee who resigned had done so before any disciplinary action was taken.An SEC spokesman said the agency's disciplinary proceedings tied to the Madoff scam were concluded months ago.

#Madoff Musings

2011-11-10T14:15:00.000-05:00

To: Rick Perry
From: Bernie

Sorry to say this, but I couldn't keep from peeing my pants while watching last night's CNBC presidential candidate debate..My pal Junior (Persico) insisted we were really watching SNL when you couldn't remember the third agency you would get rid of "when" you get elected.

I can understand wanting to do away with corrupt, bloated-budget government bureaucracies that accomplish no social value to society, but targeting the Dept of Education as one of the two of three that you can actually remember in your plan is, in all due little respect, going to result in your donors forgetting to add that third digit in their checks. So, when you see checks coming in for $10 instead of $100, don't be surprised.

Instead of getting rid of the Dept of Energy (the one that supposed to regulate the destruction of our environment and prevent your oil company friends from drilling off the coast of East Hampton and Nantucket), you might want to simply get rid of the SEC.

Let's face it, nobody knows better than me that SEC is 100% controlled by Wall Street banks; so instead of taxpayers bearing the cost of the bloated SEC staff salaries, computer systems that don't work, all of those offices, and all of those costly investigations that result in settlements where bankers promise "not to do it again", let's shift the entire cost of self-regulation back on to the banks. The same crimes are going to be committed, but now we'll save hundreds of millions every year in tax dollars! Ha!
BLM

On a general note: if we are going to keep the SEC, now that John Corzine isn't running MF Global, I'm thinking he's the most logical person to replace Mary Shapiro over at SEC when she moves over to Goldman. But Not Treasury. This guy was way to quick to peel into investor accounts so that he could buy "triple A" Euro bonds for his own account. And no, I don't plan on inviting him to join our bridge game here anytime soon. The chances of him actually getting prosecuted are zilch. That's the way it works.

(But I won't be surprised if that guy from Interactive Brokers gets hit with insider trading charges--nobody on the Street likes him...and if he was dumb enough to be buying MF Global for his own account while his company was considering 'rescuing' that company, I suppose its all poetic justice...)

For you restaurant fans that want to protest Mario Batali's places--I suppose you can go over to Primola, even if the guy that runs the place is a a piece of sh*t and badmouths customers while they're sitting right in the restaurant. How do I know? Because that's where Ruthie and I would eat 5 nights a week and its not like I don't understand "jew bastard" just because its said in Italian! But like I said, the food is good!

#Madoff Mob Update

2011-11-08T17:27:00.007-05:00

To: Bill Nelson, Chairman/HBO
From: Bernie Madoff

I heard about the film deal that you supposedly made with Bobby DeNiro. Even though I don't remember giving him or you the rights to use my life story, I think after you get the call from my friend Jerry Weintraub, you'll all appreciate that DeNiro's film deal won't get very far without my cooperation.

We're not asking for much, and here are a couple of items you'll want to digest:

1. I want Andy Sorkin to play the role of my son Andy.

2. Ruth's decided that Ellen Barkin should play her role. I think that should be a no-brainer for you.

3. I see the resemblance, and its OK for you to sign that schmuck Baldwin to play my son Mark on one condition: Baldwin has to hang himself, for real, just like my poor boy Mark did.

3. We've got a few other demands, including the one where you need to sign up Erin Arvedlund as a research consultant to the film. She's the only one that has the facts straight. The rest of the demands all pretty straight forward, including giving Ruth a 15% piece of the distribution deal. BTW-If you're even thinking of using Weinstein's company to sell the distribution rights, the whole deal is off. He's got some kid working for him that cooks the books with a sauce that even my people couldn't concoct, and I'm not about to get screwed on this by some Hollywood gangsters!

In any case, you'll be hearing from Jerry before the end of the week.
Bernie

P.S. This lady to the left is Nan; my long-time trusted assistant. Next week, she's going to claim that I groped her in the office on several occasions, and because those idiot Keystone Kops are still threatening to send her to jail, her lawyer Mo is going to use my groping her as part of her defense strategy. Anyway, I think its only fair that you give her a part in the film. Not with my groping her, but I'm sure you can find something.
Bernie Madoff

#Madoff Story Option by #Grisham: #Picard Pees On Dimons

2011-11-08T10:59:00.007-05:00

To: Jamie Dimon
From: Irv Picard
cc: Bernie M.

See that guy to my right? That's Mel, The King of Class Action. After your gally-pally Judge threw me a curve ball, I decided to break bread with Mel at Primola. Ask your big shot Board Buddies over at Exxon Mobil what its like to have Mel spitting fire up your ass. Considering that he left ten big ones on the table when the Bernie Casino got shut down, he's still flamming pissed.

Since you're so big on giving out toasters, it's pretty ironic that he going to turn you into toast with a class action that would make John Grisham drool.

Let just see who has the last laugh.
Irv

#Madoff Mud Wrestling

2011-11-07T13:55:00.000-05:00

To: Stephanie Mack Madoff

From:Cathy The Queen Hooper

1. You can wipe that blond witch smirk off of your face. Simply because I know how to promote better than you do doesn't give you the right to call me a "friggin bitch."

2. I'm smarter than you are, I'm better looking, my book is obviously better; its selling like hotcakes and your books are collecting dust. And, even if its my bikini shots from ten years ago that's driving half of the sales, I don't give a sh*t. In fact, that's the point of this note.

Bernie and Andy both think we should put the bad blood aside and settle our differences properly. If you've really got what it takes, then you'll agree to meet me in the ring. Benny Silverman and Jerry Weintraub have offered to co-produce a mud-wrestling match between us at The Bellagio in Vegas. HBO has guaranteed to broadcast live on pay-per-view.

Benny and Jerry are offering each of us a 20% cut. Even though I'm going to kick your blonde ass, I know you could use the cash, especially when considering Picard is going after your kids' piggy banks. How sad!
I'll get you a copy of the contract. I'm sure that your Dad will want to review it. Just make sure that you sign it so you don't have to worry about renting out the place in Nantucket next summer!
CH

#JPMorgan Wins #Madoff Case

2011-11-01T19:48:00.000-04:00

From: Jamie Dimon
To: Irv Picard
re: The Hon. Colleen McMahon

Irv, boobala! I know that you're miffed about Judge McMahon's tossing out your case against me, but you had to be nuts to think you could actually f**k with me!

Did you think it would really matter that our staff raised more red flags on Bernie's cash account activity than a July 4 celebration in Washington? Of course not; I OWN Washington!!

Did we violate almost as many rules as Corzine did over at MF? Of course we did!

Was the Judge crazy when she said your position was "that of a garage owner who trying to sue on behalf of a customer whose car got scratched while stuck in traffic, before it was parked in the garage."??

Of course she's crazy, if not a complete moron--but that doesn't matter! I"M A WINNER!

OK, I'm sorry for throwing salt on the wound..I know that October has been a crappy month for you--but if you were smart, you'd agree to Andy Madoff's inviting you to appear with him on SNL--think of the laughs you'd get!!

Gotta run--having dinner with Tim G. so that he can serve me Corzine's shop on a silver plate! LOL
Jamie

#60 Minutes Smashed By Real Journalist Arvedlund

2011-10-31T14:55:00.081-04:00

To: Jeff Fager, CBS News
From: E. Arvedlund
Re: 60 Minutes/Madoff

Jeff:

Instead of being the head pitcher for 60 Minutes, I'm thinking you should be the head pitcher for a girl's softball team. I've been an investigative journalist for some of the top news companies in the world for more than 15 years, and after watching that 60 Minutes cartoon episode on Sunday, the only thing I can figure is that the Madoff's must have given CBS a share of the book revenues. Or maybe Cathy Hooper gave you "something special"?

Otherwise, I'm guessing that 60 Minutes gave up on the idea of doing investigative journalism.

Innocent Andrew? Puhlease.
Andrew says he was the "head of the firm’s Nasdaq trading desk"; so why didn't Morley ask him about how he redeemed nearly $15 million from his BLMIS account re: purported Dell trades––that took place before he ever opened the account?

All 60 Minutes needed to do was actually look at the trustee’s suit against the Madoff family members which shows: a) Peter Madoff ”invested” $32,000 in the hedge fund and redeemed $17 million; b) Mark Madoff “invested” $745,000 in and took out $18 million and c) Andrew “invested” $900,000 and took out $17 million. And these profits were made on trades that never took place in the phony hedge fund.

Excerpts from the suit: “Mark and Andrew Madoff supervised trading at the company’s proprietary trading and market-making operations. They were, therefore, aware at all times—or, at the very least, should have been aware—of the trading volume and price ranges of the stocks traded… They knew or should have known that the profits and executions described in customers’ account statements, including their own, did not correspond to actual market conditions.”

“Andrew made most of the phony trades in his account #1M0140. No money was invested into this account, yet he redeemed over $14.5 million between 1998 and November 2008. A July 21, 1998 entry on the account statement shows that the Dell shares were purportedly ‘sold,’ generating a gain of $1,985,000. Three days later, on or about July 24, 1998, he redeemed $1,956,205 from this account.”

“The trustee discovered $60 million transferred to Andrew Madoff or to entities on his behalf. Between 2001 and 2008, Andrew was paid $31,105,505 in salary and bonus. His compensation included bonuses of over $4.8 million in 2006, and over $9 million in 2007, alone. ALL DESPITE THE FACT THAT MADOFF SECURITIES REVENUE COULDN'T POSSIBLY HAVE SUPPORTED THAT KIND OF COMPENSATION for one of its executives, no less a handful of family members that 'ran the firm' (i.e. Bernie's two sons, Bernie's brother Peter, and his daughter Shana).

Beyond this amount, Andrew seeks an additional $40,624,525 in deferred compensation.” (not a typo…he says he’s owed more money after the Ponzi scheme collapsed).

Did Ruth, Mark, or Andrew really know that Bernie was perpetrating a fraud? Maybe..But, how could they not have known something was awry when they were getting brokerage statements showing trades made in their account(s) before those accounts were even opened? And if the "boys" were "savvy Wall Street traders", how could they have overlooked the millions of dollars in profits [that they happily withdrew from their accounts] for trades that were backdated to before they signed the account opening documents?

The real crime is that you allowed an objective news platform to color those people as innocents when the facts are black and white.
Enough said.

#BernieMadoff Speaks Out, Too!

2011-10-30T20:20:00.003-04:00

I'm not supposed to go on the internet after the Sunday night buffet here, but since I've got a few minutes until everyone is finished eating their banana splits...I'll say this:
Andrew..my son...why the f**k did you let that guy corner you about how much money you made?! Are you f**king even dumber than I thought you were?

NOBODY is going to believe you "earned millions of dollars from the brokerage business"! EVERYBODY knows that ship was sinking for years, no thanks to everything going electronic. What? People are supposed to believe the money that was used to buy those houses that you and your brother have, the businesses that you and your cousin set up, and all of that other crap came from money that you "earned."?? Christ almighty, you couldn't trade your way out of a paper bag, no less earn that kind of money!

Fine. that's off my chest. But I do give you credit for making sure that all of the book sales, and whatever endorsement deals you kids get goes into Catherine's name. It'll be one less account that gets frozen "pending litigation!" Ha. Even if you still don't realize that she was into you for the gelt the whole time. What? You don't think she's always been looking to catch the big fish? Ha! Of course she has, and you're IT!
Whatever. Let her keep it, what do I care?

Just one thing, when she signs that deal to do a spread in Playboy, just remember to send a few copies down here--I promised the guys here a Christmas bonus for watching my back! And, don't forget to send one to Dimes!

Just thank your lucky starts that Picard's been slammed in Federal court, and you won't have to give him back more than one of your houses--and you'll be able to keep all of the rest.
No need to thank me!
Your loving father.
BLM

Dear Dad:

Keep laughing. All I know is that Cathy's book has already gotten 10,000 downloads on to Kindle, and Barnes & Noble just ordered another 50,000 hard copies! In the morning, she's going to announce that she's bidding for MF Global, and I'm going to become the head trader!
Andy