I'm having this memory...

This made me go 'huh?'

2010-10-18T11:16:00.000-05:00

Message from random guy: The fact that you have risen from the earth,within your eyes I see so much.I find it beautiful that you are real,you are compasisonate.For you have felt the cruel hand's of hurt and pain.You've endured alot over the years and even as there was darkness all around you,you saw the light within yourself,and you risen from the ashes of pain.You have grown strong and you embrace this world.You felt sorrow and pain and yet you denied it,and did not let it alter and change you to be spiteful and hateful,but loving and sweet.You are truely strong you are wonderful most of all.For as time faded you've been hurt,used,broken,torn,and frayed and even as your heart is scarred and wounded you love so easily.Used,played,abuse,cheatedon,hurt,and disguarded like trash you've been dealt harsh hands.You often keep yourself busy now with work and friends,you try no to think of that cold void inside,and at the end of the day when you are tired and restless that emotion seeps back to you reminding you are alone.So many nights have you called into the winds longing,pleaing for change,to find one who accepts you and understands you.So many nights have you been cold and longed for passion and care.You attempt to give up that longing,you've tried to ignore it but your heart beats for it,longs,for it,and thus you are barely alive,For you are the compassionate,you are the loving,you are beautiful.

My response: I'm not quite sure how to respond to that...

Him: l hope you vision to feel the mist and grace from the wind as when your smile so falls on to others it's within the light of the heart that draws the Sun to rise,and it's because of the love you hold within that gives flight to the Sun to go and calm the earth.My words may different and even not heard but let me say this with all that inspires me and all that l see l want to truly wish you a beautiful Day.Because upon looking at your profile hidden from view are the words of heart and spirit and that's exactly what inspired me to speak as within your very eyes,those very eyes did l see the fire of a heart not broken nor torn from believing and dreaming,it is within your eyes l see the beauty of truth as l was deeply inspired to see another person who fights to withhold emotion and feeling and your spirit that guides and gives you wings.It's beautiful,truly with that l want to say l respect you and greatly appreciate you being here and living in the moment,may the sunshine shine on you and always remind you of that grace and beauty you hold in your heart, mind, and spirit.Let no one ever tell you otherwise because you are forevermore special person.

Me: Um, okay then...

Him: :)

---------------------------
Yup, I attract the weirdos.

Heads up!

2010-08-10T18:15:00.000-05:00

Just a heads up, I'll be moving my blog to wordpress soon. It's just easier to maintain via phone. And since I rarely use a computer anymore, thanks to my Palm Pre, it just makes more sense. I'll link once first post is up.

Breaking News!

2010-06-24T22:58:00.000-05:00

This just in! I'm lousy at keeping this damn thing updated... But do not fear my darling buttercups, I shall be working on some good stuff now. Okay, so im not, but lets pretend. There has been a new additon to my furbabies, a black lab mix we adopted from the humane society. His name is Cadeon & he's a little brat. So in other words, he fits right in.

Since I'm running out of witty things to say, I'm going to post this & call it wonderful. Those of you that know how to get ahold of me should make sure I update this more often.

Aaaaand, we're out.

Damn that was an ugly crowd tonight. Did u see the hairpiece on the guy in the back? Wait, is this thing still on? Fuck...

How to Catch an Irishman

2010-03-16T23:05:00.001-05:00

How to catch an Irishman

Leprechauns, or Irish "Elves" are known to be 3 feet to 3 inches in size. (no taller than a small child at the most) Individuals have said that they look like tiny old men in a top hats and red beards. Legend says that Leprechauns are shoemakers (also called cobblers). Legend also says that Leprechauns have their own pot 'o gold, either buried where only the Leprechaun can reach it, or at the end of the rainbow.

Finding the end of the rainbow will be a challenge, but well worth it, and give you a head start on finding your Irishman’s Leprechaun.

Finding the end of the rainbow is pretty self explanatory, so we are going to talk about finding and catching the Leprechaun.

The reasoning behind having to catch the Irishman's leprechaun first, is that: every Irishman has his own leprechaun that he sets free to roam, hoping for it to find him a true love. (Once their leprechaun is caught, somehow the Irishman's senses are thrown out of whack and drive them straight to you and the leprechaun's location) The trickier the leprechaun is to catch, the trickier it is to win the Irishman's heart.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Step One: Catch his Leipreachán.

1.) To start, you could either use a small shoe box, Kleenex box, or even a dog kennel. Make sure to use plenty of green. (green glitter, stickers, etc.)

2) Due to some Leprechauns being very selfish, you may consider adding in plenty of gold items. You could either use golden candy coins, or paint some of your own coins gold. A rainbow around your trap would definitely improve your chances.

***If you are going to make more than one trap, I suggest making each one completely different, or the Leprechaun will get suspicious and leave. Also, make sure all traps blend well with the background they are set in. (some Leprechauns enjoy practical jokes, so don't be discouraged if he gives you a hard time.)***

3) Some other items to lure the Leprechaun in: smaller rocks painted gold, lucky charms cereal ( a big hit), maybe some old shoes?

(((*** Do NOT leave your eye off of the leprechaun for too long, unless you have him on a tight leash--or hold his hand and walk with him... HE -WILL- DISAPPEAR!***)))

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Step Two: "I got the Leprechaun!...NOW what do I do??!"

1) After you've caught the Leprechaun, you have a higher chance of him staying around if you tell him right away that you are not after his pot 'o gold. Try to talk to him. Get him to like you.

**The more you can get the leprechaun to like you, the better your chances of the Irishman liking you. In other words -- Each leprechaun has their own attitude, which reflects their Irishman's attitude. The better you treat the leprechaun, the more it will like you, and in result, the better your chances are with the Irishman himself.)**

((!!!!! I caught the leprechaun, tried to talk to it, but I can't understand a word it's saying!!?))

--Hey! Baahaa, well, I suppose that part wasn't very self-explanatory, sometimes the leprechauns get confused and or upset after it's been caught, so try and calm it down. *leprechauns tend to talk at fast speeds, especially when frightened*

-Pour him a bowl of Lucky Charms

-Hand him some more golden coins (always good to keep extras on hand)

-Four-leaf clover=anxiety reliever

-For a big hit: show him the downtown pub!

-Need more help?... Learn some simple Gaeilge! (Irish language)--See end of blog--

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Step Three: "I've calmed the leprechaun, how do I tell what will the Irishman will look like??"

To find out what your Irishman will look like, look at the Leprechaun (he will look very similar in certain ways)

Don't be afraid, check that Leprechaun out as if he were your own Irishman. Here's a checklist to help you out:

-What color are his eyes?

-What shape is his nose?

-Any piercings/tattoos?

-Exactly how tall is he?

(The shorter the leprechaun, the taller the Irishman. Yes, you read that right. Short leprechaun = tall Irishman.)

-How round is he?

-How tempermental is he?

Last, and probably the most important question you need to answer....

How long is his beard?

***
"What does the size of his beard have to do with anything? What exactly does it mean?"

***

Ladies, I think we all know what the size of his beard means...

IMPORTANT--After catching the leprechaun, you only have about 30 minutes (one half hour) until the Irishman will run around the corner! So make sure that's the leprechaun you want, if not, let him go!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Step 3.1: "My leprechaun likes me, and I think he's kinda cute...what should I do now?"

No need to do anything! You're Irishman is on his way!! Look in the mirror a couple times, fix your hair, check your teeth (and breath, don't forget your breath) and just wait anxiously for your Irish love to show!

Step 3.2: "My leprechaun seems to hate me!! What do I do???!!"

Let him go!! I don't know if I can emphasize that enough!! The last thing you need is an angry Irishman after you!! Just let him go and start a new search tomorrow!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Step 4 (Final Step): Know how to say the important things.

"Will you marry me?" --- An bpósfaidh tú mé

"uh bow-suh tu me" (For an English speaker, with little or no knowledge of Irish pronunciation, I'd offer : "an bossy two may")

"Yes!!" --- tá!! (pronounced "thaw!!")

In Irish Gaeilge.

Cheers, luck, health and wealth to you all!

-Slàinte.

Jàece CaèrtLïnn McMïller

(Original post written by my sister Jaci. I edited and added some bits here and there. If you enjoyed this and would like to read more, please leave comments and let us know.)

Z-Day Productions

2010-01-10T22:32:00.000-06:00

We're a fresh, young company looking to make a name for ourselves. We won't be functioning like a typical production house. Our skills and unique outlook on the world will show that. While, typically, production houses have large crews, we will limit ourselves to the smallest size possible. This does multiple things.

First, this limits our costs. We won't be spending extra funds on crew/positions that another person could easily cover. I, for example, will man cameras, edit, direct and if needed be a simple "gofer".

Two, this builds a better bond. Creates a more family operated feel with the crew we do have, as well as our clients. They won't have to remember dozens of new people whether it's for a day or months. On long projects they'll be comfortable with the small crew around them.

We will produce films, shorts and even music videos. We will reach out to local musicians and artists. Help them establish their name, while establishing ours. At the time of this writing, many local artists have to film their own videos and we are looking to change that.

Whatever the needs of our clients, we will try and meet them. Certain things, however, we won't be able to do at first. That's only because of limited funds. As we grow, so will our technology and skills.

This blog was written by Jason Miller, President of Z-Day Productions. I'm posting it to help him get the word out. If you've got any questions, feel free to contact him at Zdayproductions@gmail.com or leave a comment and I'll forward it to him.

Epic suckfest x10

2009-12-30T23:07:00.001-06:00

If you've seen the movie BloodRayne, you know what an epic suckfest it was. And no, suckfest is no reference to the fact it's about vampires, it literally sucked that bad.

Because I'm a glutton for punishment when it comes to vampire/werewolf b-movies, I thought I'd give the second film, BloodRayne 2: Deliverance, a shot. I figured it couldn't be much worse than the first one.

Oh how wrong I was. It makes the first one seem great! The damn movie takes forever to get started and even then it feels like it's going nowhere. Forty minutes in and I'm wanting to quit. But since I'm a trooper, I'll finish this piece of crap. I swear every fifth shot is a closeup of someone's teeth or eyes as they squint dramatically...or eat a cracker apparently.

Did I mention I'm blogging this as I finish the movie? I cannot focus all my attention on this film for fear I'll go OD on some pain meds. Yes, it's that bad. Oh and did I mention how bad it was?

I don't care how much you like b-movies, nor how curious you are about whether or not I'm over-exaggerating how bad this is. DON'T WATCH IT!!! Please, for the sake of your sanity, do not watch this film. Save yourself the 100 minutes and go get a lobotomy instead. Really, it would probably be more fun.

Oh thank gods there's only 10 minutes left. I cannot take much more of this.

I can only imagine how disappointed fans of the videogame are in these films. I've never played any of the BloodRayne games (for PS2 and I believe PC as well), so I'm guessing those that have probably committed a murder-suicide after seeing them.

BF App Retaliation

2009-12-24T22:00:00.000-06:00

Since someone seemed to think my BF App was a bit "high school" I figured I should blog about why I posted it.

It was for fun!

I'm not going to literally take applications to find a boyfriend. Yeah, there were a few I wanted to fill it out. Personally I think its a fun way to get to know someone and see how much they knew about me by how they answer the questions.

If you can't see the humor in it, then don't fill it out. Its that easy.

Yeesh.

BF Application

2009-12-22T20:20:00.000-06:00

Because so many of you men are trying to fight over me, I decided to help narrow things down in a much safer way... Then we'll let the finalists fight over me! Much fewer casualties that way you see. After all, I'm all about lessening the body count. Unless we're talking about zombies, demons, or clowns, in which case we want to kill as many as possible. -shudders- I hate clowns. Freaky little bastards. But I digress! Back to the application process.

We will start with a series of multiple choice questions. Please complete the sharpening of your #2 pencils before we begin. Fill in each bubble completely...wait, nope, nevermind. Just circle your choice, or fill in your answer where required. Please do not leave any answers blank or I'll feed your application to my zombie dogs.

1. Are you:
A. Male
B. Female

2. Are you single?
A. Yes
B. No
C. What she doesn't know won't hurt her.

3. How old are you? ____

4. Which do you prefer:
A. Pepsi
B. Coke
C. Vanilla Coke
D. Naked Juice
E. Alcohol

5. Sashimi is:
_______________________

6. What do you think of vampire/werewolf B-movies?
A. -groans-
B. The worse they are the more fun they are to watch.
C. Shoot me now.

7. Werewolf vs Vampire, who's better?
A. Vampire (as long as they don't sparkle)
B. Vampire
C. Werewolf
D. Um, they're not real...

8. Do you tweet?
A. Like a bird
B. WTF?
C. No
D. Occasionally

9. So how about those muppets?
____________________________________________

10. You're interested in this girl, she's interested in you. Would you hit on her best friend if the opportunity arose & you didn't think she'd find out?
A. Hell no
B. The more the merrier
C. Yeah, but only if I knew she wouldn't find out.
D. Maybe, is her friend hot?

11. You haven't heard from the girl you like in awhile, do you:
A. Contact her and see what's up.
B. Wait for her to initiate conversation.
C. Ask her friends if they've heard anything.

12. Who was your favorite Power Ranger? (Bonus points if you can match a name to the color)
A. Red
B. Black
C. Green/White
D. Pink
E. Yellow
F. Blue

And so ends the multiple choice portion of our questions. Now we'll move onto the essays.

Please use proper grammar and complete sentences or your application will be used as a cage lining for my parakeet.

Tell me a bit about yourself. Likes, dislikes, pets, etc. Anything you want me to know, this is your chance.

The zombies are invading and its time to change into your ass-kicking gear. What do you wear?

What's your idea of a perfect first date?

Explain the inherent value of bunny rescuing. (why should it be done, etc)

I'm not feeling well, what will you do to make me feel better?

And that is the end of the essay portion. If there's anything else you would like to add, feel free to do so now.

Finally I just need some personal information and a photo(for categorization purposes of course)

Height:
Eye color:
Hair color:
Shoe size:
What type of phone do you use:
And what's the best way to contact you for further information/interviews?

Thanks and good luck. Please, one cookie per applicant. Purchase not necessary, but buying me things will most certainly increase your odds of being chosen (I love Netflix subscriptions).

Bird Tips

2009-12-21T17:18:00.000-06:00

Before I got Kadence, I did a lot of shopping around to find the best deals on everything. There are so many different cages to choose from and pet stores will charge way more than they need to. Check Amazon for the best prices on cages. I got a cage that's large enough for Kadence to spread her wings and still have room for some of her toys and I paid less than I would have for a smaller cage in a pet store. Look for a 'breeding' or 'flight' cage. Roomier and cheaper than the more decorative cages you can find.

While there are some really nice store bought toys out there, its super easy to make your own. Not to mention they'll cost less. The Talk Budgies forum has some great ideas for homemade toys. The members of the forum are so nice and helpful. They were great when I had all my questions.

Water bottle or water dish? I recommend going with the water dish so your bird can bathe if he/she chooses to. In the summer I turn the faucet on to a trickle & let it warm up before I let Kadence in the sink to play. She loves bathing in the sink. I let her play until she hops out on her own. Be aware that if your bird drinks a lot of water during bath time (as Kadence does) their droppings will probably be more watery than normal until it's all passed. I freaked when I noticed this the first time. (A birds droppings can be your first sign of illness as they hide it well)

Get your bird to eat pellets, as well as seed, at a young age. It may take awhile (Kadence is stubborn) but keep at it. An all seed diet isn't healthy for your bird. I use the Zupreem fruit pellets for Kadence, only I get her the ones sized for Canary/Finches. I think their smaller size is easier for them to eat.

When it comes to getting your bird to try new foods such as fruits & veggies, I found the key is to eat them in front of the bird. Kadence will not leave me alone when I'm eating. She thinks she has to try anything I try.

Popcorn is a very cheap snack. We've always got a bag of popcorn seeds in the house. Throw a few in the microwave & voila a quick and easy snack for your bird. Do NOT give your bird popcorn that has butter or salt on it. I don't care if it looks 'clean' don't do it.

Okay, my brain is shutting down due to migraine again. Perhaps I'll update this later.

Kadence

2009-12-21T16:37:00.000-06:00

Let the introductions begin! Kadence is up first.

This:

...is Kadence

She's a budgie, more commonly known as a parakeet and was born sometime around March-May.

I had been without a pet for so almost a year and was absolutely miserable. My dad had brought up the idea of getting a parakeet but I didn't want a bird. I wanted a dog. Unfortunately that wasn't going to happen since my mom was completely against it.

After some thought on it I decided to get a bird. I hadn't had one in years and I remembered how fun and interactive they are (with proper socialization and care). My dad and I looked into getting an Indian Ringneck Parakeet first, but there were no local breeders. They didn't seem to carry them in the petstores either.

I was fine with not getting the IRN since I had my mind set on getting a hand-fed bird from a local breeder. Hand-fed birds are generally more social with people. Plus with a local breeder I was able to get background information on the bird and if I had any questions, I know I'd be talking to someone who knows what he's talking about. I spent more for a hand-fed bird from a breeder than I did for a parakeet from a petstore, but I found it worth it.

I really wanted to get a cockatiel, but my dad was so against it I decided to go with a standard parakeet instead.

I found a breeder who lived in the same town I went to school in and started talking with him. He didn't have any parakeets at the time since his pairs had yet to breed. He promised to get ahold of me when he had babies.

It was probably a month or so before I heard from him again. He was in contact with a woman from Rochester who had some parakeets. He was able to bring home a couple of her young ones and I got to go pick one out.

They weren't quite weened yet, so I had to hand-feed little Sora her formula.

--But wait, I thought Kadence was the name of your parakeet?

You would be right, it is. Little Sora grew sick shortly after bringing her home and unfortunately she didn't survive. I was completely heartbroken. I hadn't wanted to admit it, but the breeder should never have agreed to let her leave until she was eating seed on her own.

I wanted to go get my money back and find somewhere else to get a parakeet since I was worried that perhaps the whole bunch had been sick too. My dad called the breeder who was more than willing to let us take the other baby home.

We picked up the other baby June 4, 2008 and brought her home.

I could tell instantly she was healthier than Sora had been. She sure was scrappy looking when I got her. It took at least two molts before her dingy feathers came in white. Now she's absolutely gorgeous. My grandma can't stop complimenting how pretty she is.

Sure took me awhile to come up with her name. I had it narrowed down to a few and finally made my decision when I heard her chirping along to my parents during their band practice. That's when she became Kadence. Though I must admit I call her birdie more often than Kadence.

Kadence is a sassy little thing. She loves bananas and will go nuts if you near the cage with one. Whenever she's let out of the cage to fly around she spends most of her time trying to land on my dad's shoulder. She loves him even if he doesn't return the sentiment. In fact when he talks to her, she'll actually talk back.

While male parakeets tend to talk more than females, Kadence has her moments. She can mimic the wolf whistle perfectly, and she'll make a kissing noise if you do it to her first. There are times when she talks in her garbled little bird voice and I'm very certain she does nothing but swear like a sailor (thanks dad).

I'm definitely glad we brought her home. If I had the space in the cage, I'd get her a friend. Since she gets time out of the cage every day and is interacted with all the time, she does well on her own.

And that is Kadence's story.

If you've managed to read through it all, congratulations, you get a cookie!

Stay tuned for my next blog, which will include tips for owning a parakeet.

He's learned to use tools...

2009-12-21T11:15:00.000-06:00

As much as I love Cadbury, if he's learned to use tools to make noise we could be in trouble.

For those of you who don't know, Cadbury is one (of three) of my pet rabbits. He's a 3 year old Dutch I adopted from a girl at work who could no longer keep him when she moved. He's an absolute sweetheart and once I have some extra funds I plan on building him a bigger cage so he has more room to play.

I recently purchased some hay from Farmer Dave via ebay (FarmerDaveHay) and its by far the best quality hay I've purchased. Plus it comes in bigger quanities, great for people with multiple pet rabbits. If you only have one bun, I highly recommend Kaytee brand hay, which is easily found at Target. I've tried Petco brand hay, but while it was affordable (they often have "buy one get one free" offers on their website), I wasn't thrilled with the quality. It was much messier as the pieces were so little.

Boy did I get off topic... Okay, back to the making noise thing.

Cadbury found a sturdy 'stem' piece in his pile of hay today. He grabbed it in his mouth and when he did, it hit the bars of his cage just right and made noise. Once he realized he could make noise with this particular piece of hay, he started running around his cage making sure the hay made contact with the metal bars every hop of the way.

I swear you could see the glee in his little bunny eyes as he hopped up and down from his shelf, running back and forth and back and forth. It went on for a good couple of minutes before Shyla (my dalmatian/APBT/other mix grabbed the piece of hay she had access to and took it from him. She then proceeded chew it up herself. Yeesh.

Oh and don't worry, you'll get the names of all my 'babies' down soon enough. I'll even post an introduction for them all at a later date. Until then, guess you'll have to take your own notes.

Sinus disease!

2009-12-21T10:18:00.000-06:00

Awaiting the arrival of yet another prescription to try and treat these freaking migraines. I camt even think straight right now, so don't be too harsh if I've got some spelling errors or whatever.

I'm going to give Maxalt a try and see if it helps. I've also got an antibiotic to take since apparently the MRI revealed a "sinus disease" as the nurse put it. I'm guessing if I had waited till I went to see the neurologist on January 11 things would have only been worse. I just don't understand these doctors. If I hadn't called no one would have said a word about this sinus infection. WTF! Come on already.

At least now I can get it dealt with. Who knows, maybe the sinus thing is what's causing the migraines in the first place. Sure would have been nice if one of the doctors I'd seen had caught it in the very beginning.

Okay I need to go sleep. My brain has decided it's had enough for now.

Curse these migraines!

2009-12-20T16:25:00.000-06:00

To whomever gave the migraine faerie my home address, I'm going to hunt you down, tie you to a chair and stab you with a rusty spoon multiple times in the eye. Then I'm going to leave you surrounded by mouse traps suffer to suffer.

This message has been brought to you by the migraine that's slowly driving me insane.

Please stay tuned for an actual informative blog.

Vampires and Zombies and Demonia oh my!

2009-12-18T13:18:00.005-06:00

So excited, I received my Demonia Concord boots today. I've been lusting over these boots everytime I'd see them at Vampire Wear, Hot Topic, on Abby Sciuto of NCIS, or anywhere else I stumbled across them.

They're gorgeous. Knee-high with buckles, a back zipper, and a 4" platform. At barely 5'4", I need all the extra height I can get. Plus I'm fairly certain they'll be great for kicking the snot out of zombies. You could probably even rig them with a flip out stake for those pesty vampires á la Abigail Whistler from Blade: Trinity.*

I have yet to wear them out since I'm stuck inside with a killer migraine, but reviews say they're super comfortable for long wear. I shall hopefully be testing this for myself soon enough. Once I do you can bet I'll add a review of peoples reactions and comfort level.

Until next time, go buy some Demonia boots, help keep the zombie (or vampire if you prefer) population down and then relax by watching Blade: Trinity. Yes, you can still watch it if all you want to do is ogle Ryan Reynolds shirtless. In fact, I encourage it.

*I do not encourage you to modify your shoes to fit weapons for which to fight evil. Unless of course, you know precisely what you are doing.

I heart my Palm Pre

2009-12-17T23:05:00.000-06:00

Ever since I first heard of the Palm Pre, I knew I had to have one. Unfortunately, I just wasn't willing to change my plan to get one. I had gotten extremely lucky with Sprint when I signed up and it just wasn't worth paying more every month just so I could have the Pre. When they introduced Any Mobile Anytime, I figured I might as well. Most of the numbers I call are cells anyways.

I had already had 3 previous Palm phones; Treo 650, Treo 755p, and the Treo Pro, and I was addicted to the touch screen feature. Hell, I couldn't even use my computer without being compelled to touch the screen to get it to do something. I didn't like the Windows Mobile on the Treo Pro, so as soon I was eligible for a 2 year upgrade, I placed my order for the Pre.

I'm completely in love. Sure, the WebOS is brand new so there are some bugs that need to be worked out, but so far it seems like Palm is really listening to what the Palm Pre owners want. They've been releasing updates pretty regularly and they just make the phone better and better. I love being able to run multiple apps at the same time.

I've run into a few problems with the Pre, but most of them are minor and if you want to read here: Totally Palmed there are some pretty easy fixes for them. I find actual Palm Pre owners can help you in fixing problems more than Sprint tech support.

I definitely recommend giving the Pre a shot. It may take a little bit of learning to figure out how to use all the features, but its a fun phone once you get the hang of it.

Self Destruction at its Best

2009-12-16T17:56:00.000-06:00

Originally written February 2007

I am self destruction at its best.

I don't fear the hot blood that trails down my arms like crimson rivers.
     I embrace them.

Just as your love gave me my life, your betrayal will now take it away.

I never knew happiness as overwhelming as your love could exist in a world that looks so cold.
     I was wrong.
For once I was able to face the sun and feel her warmth as comfort.  Not a burning pain that threatened to kill me for daring to hope.
It was you that sheltered me when it stormed, you that danced with me in the soft rain.
Your embrace kept me safe from all that dared to harm me.

But just as the stars eventually fade, it seems we were at our end.

Your hug no longer comforted, but began to strangle, to choke, to steal the very life you gave me.
You didn't even try to shelter me, instead you forced me out into the cold.
You laughed as the sun became once again evil, cackling harshly at my dreams before burning the paper that held them.
With not a glance back, you left me stranded.
     Alone in the middle of nowhere.
My chest is nothing but a hollow cavity where a heart used to reside.
     A heart that you had fed, had taught to work as it should.
But you've taken it all away.
My world has been turned inside out.  Confusion overwhelms me, until I know the truth.
     No, you were never my friend, never my lover.

I have only one true companion in this existance you call life.
My shiny silver drug that will stop all the pain I feel and protect me from future harm.

I smile as the blade breaks through the dam, releasing the warm, crimson flood.
My pain is connected to these rivers.
     Fed by these rivers.
When they run dry, so will my pain, I will never feel again.

Darkness looms over me, but I am not afraid.
     This isn't the usual fear inducing blackness that comes when I close my eyes.
No, this is the cool silkiness of a night sky.
     The velvet touch of numbness that I've been searching for.
My head rests gently upon my pillow and my eyes flutter closed.
All feeling is gone, all reasonable thought has fled.

Do you even care that you drove me to this?  It doesn't matter now, there is no saving me.
     I am gone.

You are self destruction at its best.

Imaginary Enemies

2009-12-16T17:40:00.001-06:00

Originally written February 2007

They attack from all sides,
there is no escape.
My mind is in overdrive,
keeping me awake.

My nightmares persist,
even with open eyes.
Can I ever hope to have,
what others call a normal life?

Sleep is poisoned,
with deceptive words.
I'm infected with venom,
for which there is no cure.

Heart beats faster and faster,
struggling to break free.
Why is it no one else fears,
the monsters that I see?

They're not real...

The seed of courage is planted,
with a bit of care it will grow.
These imaginary enemies,
will no longer have their hold.

Medication,
keeps them at bay.
Locked up in small cages,
where they can't get away.

I have no prescription,
I haven't been to the doctor.
There is only you,
and the protection you offer.

You have become my hero,
the conqueror of evil.
You've defeated my imaginary enemies,
and restored my power of will.

Your warmth chases back all shadows,
your kiss fills me with life.
I'll forever be your princess,
for as long as you're my knight.

I'm just not that into you

2009-12-16T17:30:00.000-06:00

Have you read the book He's Just Not That Into You? Maybe you've seen the movie instead. Perhaps both. I have yet to see the movie, but I've read the book and unlike a lot of women out there most of what I read I had kind of already guessed at. Reading it all in print just reaffirmed what I already knew.

Men will go after what they want. If they really like you, they'll do whatever they have to do to get in touch. Its a big reason I rarely make first contact. In the past I made first contact quite often but when I discovered I was the only one reaching out I decided, why bother? The only time I ever heard from the guy was when I initiated conversation so I stopped completely.

It wasn't until I stopped initiating that he reached out. He didn't reach out to start a conversation however, oh no, he just wanted to say how sad he was that "I wasn't thinking of him anymore and saying hi". I told him it was a two-way street and if he liked me that much he could be bothered to say hey when he saw I was online or whenever. That ended that conversation oretty quickly.

Since then I've got no problem waiting for him to make first contact. I'm not going to lie and say there haven't been times when I've really wanted to say something, anything, but we both know it wouldn't do any good. So I've resisted.

I've resisted many times recently and still I didn't hear from you. Well, no I did earlier, and boy what a conversation that was. Its nice to know you care.* I've decided I'm done with you. I'm tired of wasting my time waiting around for some indication that you really like me. I don't even get the feeling you want to be good friends. No, definitely not even that. My friends don't ask how it went when I say I just had an MRI, they ask if everything is okay. Yeah, I'm definitely not that into you.

*Please note the sarcasm.

10 Seconds

2009-12-11T23:04:00.000-06:00

Originally written February 17, 2007

I've been allowed 10 seconds to live...

10...
My mind races, unsure of the reality of my nightmare.

9...
The beating of my heart is beginning to dim.

8...
Lungs fail to work, I struggle to breathe.

7...
Is it already time for the sunset?

6...
I can hear the shadows whisper.

5...
Pulling me down after them.

4...
I'm on the threshhold.

3...
Darkness awaits me.

2...
Silence, then...

1...
...nothing.

The Dark Angel

2009-12-11T23:01:00.000-06:00

Originally written sometime in 2006

Blood runs down delicate fingers,
crimson streams that keep getting deeper.

Porcelain skin turns pink from the pigment,
wings are broken, shattered, and bleeding.

The Dark Angel of Nightmares is no more,
her ashes now cover the blood-soaked floor.

Voices burst forth, engulfing her slayer,
"This cannot be, you must replace her."

The slayer's sight goes blurry, then perfectly clear.
Her touch no longer comforts, but fills friends with fear.

Wings of darkness beckon to fly,
the breeze they create causes flowers to die.

She gives in to her urges and takes to the sky,
in search of a dreamer to terrorize.

Did the slayer survive her very first kill?
Or did she herself, become another lost soul?

By trying to completely destroy what she feared the most,
she simply provided it with a new host.

For the Dark Angel never truly dies,
she lives forever within us, just waiting...
...for her chance to come outside.

You're My Death

2009-12-11T22:57:00.000-06:00

Originally written sometime in 2006-2007 I believe

Hollow...Empty...
You've drained my blood,
and replaced it with spiders.
Crawling...Clawing...
Tearing their way through my skin.
Scratching...Bleeding...
You've led me to razors,
that just won't cut.
Failing...Crying...
I can feel my heart stop from within.

Someone... Someday...

2009-12-11T22:47:00.002-06:00

Originally written very early in the morning on June 4, 2007

The nights we spent together lying underneath a sky of sparkling dark blue. They were the best of my days even if they didn't last as long as I wanted.

Too quickly the stars faded from our vision.

Too quickly the leaves turned to mark the coming of cooler days and even cooler nights.

Too quickly it was too cold to lie outside and just be.

I thought I would always love the coming of summer days.

At the time I couldn't wait for the warm April rains.

I wanted to sit outside with you as the raindrops fell down to earth.

I wanted to feel the cool drops falling upon my skin.

I wanted to kiss them from your lips.

But I never got the chance.

Before the winter snows had melted you said it was through.

Before the robins returned and the green grass was once again vibrant, it was over.  We were together no more.

For a while I mourned, then I just dealt.

I didn't really feel anything.

Broken hearted as I was, I knew I would always have those memories to look back on.

But now...now I'm filled with turbulent emotions more violent than the winter storms that kept us from seeing each other before the end.

I'm filled with severe loneliness.

Or perhaps I'm completely void.  Empty inside with no one special in my life.

I'm not sure which description is more accurate.

I just know that in a sense, I hate you.

But no, that isn't right either.  Hate is just too strong.

I guess I'm just angry that the night has turned its back on me.

It no longer offers a comforting hand to hold.

Instead it crawls deep inside of me, searching out those happy feelings I'm trying desperately to hold onto, and takes them from me.

Turning them against me.

Now when I sit outside and watch the night sky all I feel is pain.

Pain because I don't have anyone to share it with.  No one to lie next to me.

It makes me feel insignificant and small.

And I wonder...do you feel the same?

Do you look at the stars and wish you had someone there with you?

I guess it doesn't really matter to me.  I've already been damaged.

No, damaged isn't the right word, it's just the first that comes to mind.

I guess broken would be a better term, as in broken hearted.

You made me the happiest I've ever been in my life.

And then you dropped me off the edge of a cliff, letting me fall as my heart shattered into a million tiny pieces upon impact.

It's going to take a lot of time to gather them all and piece them back together.

Which makes me wonder...would I take it all back?

Would I erase the memories I have to prevent the heartbreak?

Honestly, I don't know.

Yes, I've given it some thought and here's what I've come up with:

If I erase everything, if I could change that one event that led us to meeting, then I would have never known love.

I wouldn't know what it's like to fall asleep and then awake with a smile on my face.

I wouldn't know what it feels like to fall asleep in the arms of someone who always knew how to put a smile on my face.

I wouldn't know what it's like to feel my cheeks redden, not from embarrassment, but from hearing someone tell me I'm beautiful and knowing that they meant it.

I wouldn't know what it's like to be able to reminisce about something as silly as childhood toys and TV shows and somehow feel like it's the most intimate thing in the world.

I wouldn't know what it's like to stay up until the sun rose, talking about nothing at all, yet somehow everything important.

I wouldn't know what it's like to hear a song that instantly makes me think of you. Or to know that if we're apart that same song can make me feel like we're in the same room.

I wouldn't know what its like to smile for no apparent reason, just because something in passing reminded me of you.

I wouldn't know what it's like to tell someone my every little secret -- To want to tell my every little secret.

I just wouldn't know.

And I guess that's kind of the point.

If I could change that one small event to prevent myself from ever knowing those things and therefore protecting myself from going through the pain of not having them...

...I wouldn't.

I just…couldn’t.

Everyone has to deal with heartbreak sometime in their life.

And I guess I’m just glad the one that broke my heart was you.

In any other circumstance we would have stayed friends like you wanted.

But at the moment, my fractured heart is still bleeding.

Even if very little, it’s still enough to make being around you hurt more than I can bear.

Even seeing your name online makes my stomach do flip-flops and my heart do jumping jacks.

It’s just too soon for friendship, but I want to thank you.

You helped me become more comfortable with myself and made me realize that I am beautiful.

I know that someday I’ll find someone who thinks the same.

Just like I hope someday to once again call you a friend.

Someone…someday.

I am Stronger

2009-12-11T22:26:00.000-06:00

Originally written November 23, 2007

You are cold personified -- become tangible --
     able to touch, see, and hear.
I feel as if the temperature has dropped
     several degrees since you walked in.
My fingers refuse to listen
     to the mental instructions I send to them.
They're completely numb and unresponsive.
And to think,
     it's all because of you.
You and your cold heart,
     the one encased forever in ice,
     the one that will never thaw
No matter how warm the summers may become.
You are immune to the summers.
     Immune to the golden sunlight and sounds of laughing children.
Nothing can reach you.
And I've given up trying.
I'm not going to waste my time trying to chisel through layer after layer,
     to reach the being that may reside within.
I refuse to lose myself to your vicious frostbite,
     my limbs will not turn black.
Nor will my heart,
     for my heart is strong.
Working overtime with no complaints,
     carrying my love to every part of my being.
To the darkest parts of my soul,
     illuminating all with my light.
I am stronger than you,
     stronger than your cold, blackened soul.
And because I am stronger,
     I will prevail.
Even in the darkest of nights I will keep moving on,
     watching the sky and finding my path by starlight.
I am stronger,
     I will prevail.

Out of Sight, Out of Mind

2009-12-11T21:59:00.001-06:00

Originally written March 4, 2007

I scream because someone opened the blinds and let the sunlight in on my darkened world.

Revealing the demons I reasoned didn't exist because invisible.

At least that's what I believed.
– What I couldn't see couldn't cause me harm.

It's only now I see how wrong I was.

I've been wounded many times over, but wounds unseen remained wounds unfelt.

Pure yellow light now illuminates every corner of my own private hell, reflecting off every drop of blood – my blood – that seems to cover everything.

Highlighting the poisons that drip from demons' fang and claw.

Crippling pain is now all I feel, unable to look away from the tattered shell that is my body.

How is it possible I have undergone so much and I still stand?

For only a second mere amazement overrides the pain.
– Quiets the screaming of my soul.

Just like that the peace is gone.

The burning of the venom flowing through my veins forces me to my knees as the demons circle eagerly.

Long have they waited to be seen, to be felt, to be feared.

Hiding in the shadows had its advantages; for what better way to strike repeatedly, infecting their victims one by one.

But now they have been brought forth they can never again be forced to live in the darkness; to be played off as nothing more than figments of an overactive imagination.

They have been given flesh and blood and they intend to shred that of the fearful humans, like myself.

Those foolish enough to believe the darkness will protect them are destined to die.

I know now that I already have and this is my new home.

I revel in the few moments of quiet as my vision grows dark and my memory fades.

Before long we will be back to act one and I will once again play the part of the fool.

Forever stuck in my last first moments of clarity.

Back to Square One

2009-12-11T01:04:00.000-06:00

Originally written June 21, 2007

Its almost 11:11, are you even aware?

Is there an urging deep within to gather your thoughts, to put together a wish?

The time is approaching; ten seconds to go.

10...9...8...

Think quickly, its almost time.

...5...4...3...

Are you ready?

Now!

Make your wish. Do it quickly but with feeling.

...

What do you mean you don't believe?

Believing is what makes it real.

I believed in the power of a wish and it brought me love.

It brought me happiness.

11:12

Time is up. Now you're stuck waiting until the clock strikes 11:11 yet again.
11 hours and 59 minutes to go.

Think of all the wishes you could come up with in that time. All the things you could potentially ask for.

But that's right...you don't believe. To you wishes don't come true so you see no point in trying.

Well of course they're not coming true. You've been doubting their power and in return making them void.

It's the same reason you don't tell someone what you wished for. It destroys the power.

Sigh, I guess I'm kind of wasting my time on you.

You're obviously a lost cause.

An old soul who no longer smiles because those clouds look like a bunny holding hands with a frog.

No, you just see clouds.

Big puffy cumulus clouds.

It's always so sad when you look into someones eyes and that sparkle they held in childhood is gone.

Chased away by the harsh realities of the here and now: death, famine, war. Things that people say they want to change, yet so few act upon.

You're one of them aren't you? Complaining to anyone who will listen about how something needs to be done. But you're too afraid to act.

You've got a ton of suggestions for others, but none that you're willing to try yourself.

After-all, there are others out there who will do it, so why do you need to?

But thats just it. Those other people think the same thing.

Someone else will do it, I can just sit back and talk about doing it.

Before long no one is acting, they're all sitting back and just watching, waiting for someone else.

The world crumbles around you.

Oh how you're wishing you would have thought differently.

Wishing you had acted instead of just thought about it.

Everyone feels that way, but its not going to help.

You never believed in wishing before. Its funny how things can change a person.

But I suppose that's what started this whole issue.

Looks like we're back to square one.

Would you look at that, it's 11:10.

You've still got time to gather your thoughts if you want to take a chance.

Gather quickly now, we're almost there. Ten seconds to go.

10...9...8...

Hurry up, it's almost time.

...5...4...3...

Are you ready?

Now!

Make your wish...