I'm just F.I.N.E.-- Recovery in Al-Anon

A brand new day

2012-01-27T10:19:00.000-05:00

Over the last 24 hours, I have come to a much better place in my head--a place of forgiveness for me and for my father-in-law. I talked to my sponsor, I talked to my Higher Power, I read your comments and emails. TAAAF over at Through an Al-Anon Filter wrote the following to me:

"I've been in that place of being appalled at my own "reptilian reaction" and it was excruciating; I'd really thought I was getting somewhere in my recovery.

I'm grateful for my first sponsor, who reiterated enough times for me to hear her, that I was only human, and the reason we have Step 10 is because we are going to continue to be wrong. No way around it. We may have only a few years in 12-Step, we may have 25, but we are going to screw up. Regularly. At times, spectacularly.

When we lose control, we may feel shame, or unworthy, embarrassed, humiliated, depressed. Perhaps we begin to wonder whether our perceived recovery is all a smoke screen we're hiding behind, and we haven't really changed at all - all perfectly normal responses to that rush of rage, and however we acted while in its grip.

You're a good man who loves his mate, and she was being threatened - that bypasses all the civilized veneers, and taps into the primal self.

Examine it, take your own inventory, make an amend however you choose to do so, and after discussion with your sponsor, then move on. You are not one scrap less of a wonderful loving and good-hearted man now, than you were the second before your response. You're the very same man, who has learned something new about himself."

Yes, I have learned something about myself, although I knew the survival and self-defense mechanisms were there already. Another comment led me to read about elder rage (thank you, Lena, for suggesting the book--it has been ordered). I have a much better understanding of the Jekyll and Hyde personality changes that we have been seeing. Hopefully, more will be revealed from evaluations by geriatric psychiatrists and the internal medicine doctors.

I do have flashbacks of what happened. I am forcing the images out of my head, but they aren't gone. And I am grieving the change in, and perhaps loss of, a relationship that I have had for a long time. But I am not blaming myself. My wife feels better as well, after reading your comments and information about elder rage. Neither of us has experience in dealing with a situation like this. We are learning, have the legal system backing us, have talked with DSS, and know that we are doing the best that we can to protect both of the parents and keep them comfortable.

The best thing is that my mother-in-law was playing cards and listening to jazz yesterday. She was happy and having a good day in her little world. No one was yelling at her. We each deserve peace in our lives no matter how it is achieved.

A chasm of rage

2012-01-26T08:37:00.000-05:00

The fissure of the tentative rock that sort of held us together as some sort of cordial family unit has become a broad chasm. All attempts at civility and kindness have been replaced by anger and full out rage.

We spent all of last night in the ER with both in-laws. She was in because she fell in a melee of anger. He is there for a psych evaluation and an attempt to stabilize his mood. It was one of the worst nights that I have spent in a long time. My father-in-law wants nothing to do with his daughter or with me. We are dead to him at the moment. All the seething rage that could be brought forth was spewed on us. And there was also spewing back. I feel sick and sad.

Right now, I don't know what my amends will be. When he shoved and screamed at his own daughter, it was too much for me. Enough said. I am out of his life. After all these years, it has come to this. And his daughter, my wife, has also been ex-communicated, rubbed out, and hollowed out by all of this.

I have much processing of my reaction to do. I am appalled at my own reptilian reaction. That being said, I am somewhat relieved to no longer be a part of some tragic play where people are pretending that there is no elephant in the room. Right now, all is calm because the elephant is in restraints. Yet the echo of his rage is still ringing in my ears.

Time for some merciful sleep.

Sit close to the fire

2012-01-25T12:57:00.001-05:00

Last night, we had a nice fire on the beach. The nights have been cool so it felt good to sit near warmth after a long walk on the beach. We sat for a few hours until after dark, watching the flames flicker and lick at the driftwood. Too soon, it was time to leave.

This morning, we were up early to make our way back to the marina. I could have stayed out another two weeks. It is one of the most peaceful feelings in the world, and it was over too soon.

We stopped by to see the parents on the way home. My father-in-law was being ugly again. My wife was talking to him and he exploded, telling her to get out of the house, and saying that he didn't need anyone helping him. He said so many ugly things to her. They were screaming at each other.

Now, C. feels bad for losing it with her dad. I was angry but stayed out of it. I could not see how further angry words would help. What I want to do is give him a wide berth and let him think about what he has done. He is effectively driving everyone away. His wife is afraid of him. And now his daughter wants nothing to do with him.

I think it's best to wait, see what happens, and adopt an attitude of compassion. He is sick. Perhaps the doctor will prescribe something that will take the edge off his anger. For now, I am not going to stand too close to his fire.

PS: Pop took the keys, drove off in the car, saying that he was going to "ride into the sunset". We alerted the police because no one knew where he was. He eventually came home around 6 PM. The police went to the door, but he wouldn't let them in.

He doesn't have dementia--his mind is sharp and his memory is excellent. There is no cerebral event. Nothing remarkable has happened except an explosion of anger. He has a terrible disposition and has had one for most of his life according to his siblings and C. I believe that things are not going the way that he likes because he is getting old. And he isn't getting old in a gentle way. Perhaps this is simply too much to write about. But it is what it is.

Another beautiful day

2012-01-23T18:59:00.001-05:00

We awoke to a foggy morning. I couldn't see the shore. It was eerily beautiful. And so quiet, with only the distant sound of the surf.

We eventually rowed to shore, walked on the beach and had a nice warm fire. Of course, I could not help but think about my old dog who would usually be right here next to the fire. Part of her ashes will be placed at the camp site. She will join a lot of other souls on this island that was the site of a ferocious battle during the Civil War.

We are enjoying this time on the boat. I included photos of what it looked like today. So much gratitude for our life, our love, and our recovery.

Sunday peace

2012-01-22T11:06:00.001-05:00

Yesterday, we had a nice lunch at a local restaurant and then headed out on the boat. It was a blustery day, overcast and threatening to rain. By the time we got to the anchorage, it was dark. Then a bad thunderstorm hit, but we were already anchored and having some tomato basil soup for dinner.

It's still blustery today. We slept in this morning and enjoyed the sound of rain coming down on the cabin top. We have just finished breakfast. This is incredibly relaxing, being here on the boat and being away for a few days.

I know that this is a brief geographic cure, but it is much appreciated. Soon enough, it will be time to get back. But for now, we are going to read, watch a couple of movies, and go for walks on the beach.

I will be reading blogs as you provide my recovery readings each day. Job changes, dealing with sons and daughters who are out there or having troubles, dealing with relationships with alcoholics, dealing with life--I learn from each of you. There are no formal meetings out here, but I have you. Thanks!

What's happening today

2012-01-20T08:31:00.000-05:00

Well, it's Friday, and the political craziness continues in this old town where the Civil War began. It's heating up for the Republican Primary tomorrow. More self-destruction happened last night during the debate. It's like a bunch of piranhas feeding on each other. Eventually, there are just pieces and parts left.

I'm going to go out on the boat for about four days. The temperature is going to be great--warm during the day with cool nights. My spirit is needing a respite from politics and family. I am needing a brief geographic cure, just to put some things on the back burner.

One of the things that has seared me in the last couple of days was overhearing my father-in-law say that I had not done much for them. The scenario was that I stopped by to check on them. My mother-in-law said to Pop that it was nice that I had stopped by. His reply was: "What has he ever done for us?". That one cut deeply.

I don't need to defend myself against the comment. I know what I have done. And I know that he is old and angry. Nonetheless, such an appraisal is one that makes me realize that we either know each other too well or not at all. That seems to be the way with many human relationships. It's a pity, really.

So I'll get away from it all for a few days. I'm going to sear my mind with sunny days, sparkling water, beach sand, and fair winds.

Try to understand men. If you understand each other you will be kind to each other. Knowing a man well never leads to hate and almost always leads to love. ~John Steinbeck

Our own network

2012-01-19T08:14:00.000-05:00

The birthday law lasted through the movie and lunch. The "Tinker" movie was full of twists and turns, flashbacks, and complications. It was one that required attention and thinking to get what was happening. Maybe I wasn't in the mood for thinking so hard, because I preferred the "Dragon Tattoo" movie which was straightforward and yet action packed. We enjoyed the time together, eating popcorn, and later having fish tacos at a restaurant near the theater.

Bliss was short-lived though. When we got home, there were 11 calls from the caregivers and my wife's parents. No messages though. Uh-Oh.......hard not to have the mind go to a bad place, wondering who is now in the hospital or worse circumstances.

The situation was that Pop was angry with the caregivers, telling Jessica and Brad that they did nothing, were not of any use to him. It hurt their feelings a lot because they are good people who work hard at keeping the parents comfortable, well fed, entertained, and the house clean. My wife, C., went to have a talk with her dad. She explained that without the caregivers, they cannot stay in their home. C. said that he sat there and seethed, saying only disparaging things.

Quality of life for the parents will not be good should he drive these good people away. So this morning, I called to talk with Jessica. She told me that her own father, who used to be her self-described hero, is an alcoholic, that her mother has been in Al-Anon for over a year, and that she can see that Pop is a dry drunk. So we had a good conversation about taking care of ourselves around the alcoholic. I shared my experience with my dad. And related that I went to Al-Anon (I did not break my wife's anonymity) because of growing up with a father who drank. I invited her to attend one of the meetings that I go to which is close by the parent's home.

I think that this was another moment in which there is a reason that we have been put together. We are now all on the same page with our truths. Jessica and I both love alcoholics. Brad works at the homeless shelter and deals with all stages of alcoholism. My wife is alcoholic and probably her dad is also. C's. mom has lived with a restless, irritable, and discontent man for her entire marriage. We are all connected by the disease. Together, we will form our own network to listen to each other, share our feelings, and work through the difficulties. Things happen for a reason. People come together for a reason. Nothing is coincidence.

Birthday Law

2012-01-17T15:31:00.000-05:00

It has been a good birthday so far. And I define the "good" part as being quiet with everyone in the family doing well. Tonight C. is cooking portobello stroganoff. It is a meal that goes back a long way in terms of birthdays and our marriage.

With birthday law ruling the day, I got to choose what I wanted to do. So I worked out this morning, then went to the boat, dropped off the binnacle cover to be embroidered with the name of the boat, and began installing my birthday present--a depth reader that ties into the Garmin chart plotter.

Birthday law will remain in effect through tomorrow at which time we'll go to lunch and a movie. I'm not sure what movie we'll see. Probably it will be the screen adaptation of John Le Carre's Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy. We both thought the preview of it looked intriguing.

The meeting last night was good. There was a lot of laughter, something that I didn't know how to do when I first went to a meeting. I was so serious that it probably took me a year to see the humor in so much of what happens in life. Even looking back on the alcoholic escapades make us both laugh now. At the time, nothing was funny about any of it.

Last night, the lady telling her story talked about completely ignoring the red flags when she met her husband. I think that is so characteristic of us Al-Anons. We think that somehow we can love someone enough to make them change. So why worry about alcoholic antics when we can make them go away? I can tell you that I was bested at every maneuver. Love became just a four letter word. And thankfully, we were able to turn the whole thing around to get where we are today. It is possible to rebuild that which is wrecked and broken.

No longer terrified, we will discover we are free to delight in life’s paradox, mystery, and awe. We will laugh more. ~ from Survival to Recovery

Help me to.....

2012-01-16T10:09:00.003-05:00

The luncheon yesterday for my father-in-law's 91st birthday was nice. It's amazing that in just a few short weeks, he is now walking normally. After he got out of the hospital and physical rehab last time, he could not straighten out his legs. His memory is amazing, and he is very sharp mentally.

My mother-in-law, on the other hand, says some outlandish things which actually turn out to be funny. She had us and the caregivers in stitches with her comments that came out of left field. I'm not sure that all of it is real, because one moment she can hear things perfectly well and make total sense and the next minute she can't hear and says things that are totally out of context. But nonetheless, she laughs about it all. Here are some of the funny things she said:

"I have selective hearing and sift through what I want to hear. Sometimes my sifting needs some work around certain people."

"If you aren't good, I'm going to pull your toenails out."

"I want to go home and if you don't let me, I'm going to have to get my gun."

"I remember giving birth to both of you and you were a pain."

Actually, most of this makes perfect sense to me. Being around them now that all the pretenses have been dropped has helped me to see them in a new light.

Tonight, my home group meets. We are celebrating the 21st. anniversary of one of the members. That's a long time. Here is what the card says:

Help me to.......

Cultivate the habit of happiness.

Believe that I am good.

Appreciate the wonders of life.

Nurture my emotional and spiritual growth.

Say good-bye to the past.

Give myself credit for what I have to offer.

Make enthusiasm a daily exercise.

Let love change the course of my world.

Every day, something new comes up that helps me to see life a bit clearer. All the agonizing over so much minor stuff when I was younger, when I began my career, when we were first married--it all comes down to being real and authentic in life now. And if that means that I don't meet the expectations of others as to how I "should" be, then so be it. As long as I can be my authentic self, with full recognition of my own shortcomings, then I am okay.

Tapping on an unsuspected inner resource

2012-01-14T08:05:00.000-05:00

I received great news last night that a good friend passed the exam for his Merchant Mariner Master's license. This is something that he has wanted for some time. Ten years of alcoholic drinking from his late teens into his late 20's robbed him of a high school degree, positive study habits, and a host of other things that the non-alcoholic learns at that age. His inability to do math has been a huge drawback. His ADHD mind just doesn't process how to do even the simplest of equations.

I've been in touch with him while he was away at a maritime training institute. Several phone calls were to tell me that he had passed several tests. And then there was the phone call to tell me that he did not think that he could possibly pass the chart navigation part of the exam. It included math formulas. Nothing he had studied was making any sense and the courses that he took previously on navigation were like a blank in his mind.

I told him to do his best and think positively. I went over some of the equations with him, reminding him that he mastered them before. I don't know how the ADHD mind works, but I have some idea of alcoholic thinking which is mostly pessimistic and even negative. He has said that this was his "last chance" to make something of himself. Getting this license was, in his mind, an opportunity to prove that he amounted to something. Even though he has been sober for 21 years, he feels so much unworthiness.

So he has been in lectures all day and into the evening for the past two weeks, has stayed up late and gotten up very early to study. He has studied with the intensity of someone during college exam week. And I wondered whether he would be able to pull it off. Yesterday, it all came together with something clicking in his mind enough to get a 90 on the most difficult exam and scores in the high 90's on the other exams. I am more than glad for him. For him this was a milestone of success.

I don't know how it all came together in his mind on the one day when it really counted. I can't explain these things, but somehow, I think that a power greater than him had a hand in this too. And from this accomplishment, his parents, his family, his friends are all heaving a sigh of relief and smiling with joy.

"With few exceptions our members find that they have tapped on an unsuspected inner resource which they presently identify with their own conception of a power greater than themselves." ~Alcoholics Anonymous

Not much to say

2012-01-12T21:44:00.000-05:00

My body has stopped aching, and I am not as tired today. Yesterday, I slept about 16 hours. I think that I am over whatever it was that wiped me out. I actually got out of the house today and went to a meeting tonight. I was cornered by a lady after the meeting who was telling me about some things that she thought that I "should" do. I extricated myself as quickly as possible and decided that she could go "should" all over someone else.

I have nothing much to say, other than the entire state has gone crazy because of the primary coming up. The candidates are all trying to out do each other on digging up dirt. I know that there is another whole year of this stuff to listen to, but really, I am sick to death of it. I wish that they would complete the feeding frenzy, devour each other, and be done with it.

The weather is freaky with gale force winds whipping the coast. I haven't been to the boat in a couple of days. She will probably be coated with salt spray. I like one of my new neighbors at the marina. He and his wife actually would like to cruise to some of the spots that I like. It's nice to meet other couples who get away from the marina and like to anchor out. We are planning some upcoming cruising weekends.

My father-in-law has a birthday coming up on Jan. 15. My birthday is on Jan. 17. We are going to celebrate his 91st. birthday over here. I'm going to fix his favorite meal of oyster stew and Lowcountry Boil (aka Frogmore Stew). The oyster stew is my father's recipe from the Chesapeake Bay: Fry some bacon, add celery and onions, some butter, and saute the oysters and their "liquor" with some milk. Delicious!

The boil ingredients are local white shrimp, corn on the cob, sausage, and new potatoes with some Zatarain's seasoning added. Frogmore is a small community on St. Helena Island--in the southern part of the Lowcountry. The origin of the boil supposedly goes back to the Gullah who lived on the sea islands of coastal South Carolina. They would throw together what was available in a large pot, add spices and feed a lot of people quickly. It has become a party favorite in modern times as well.

This year, I don't feel like celebrating much. I think that my wife and I will go to a movie and have an early dinner afterwards. On this birthday, I am not going to be anywhere near age 91, but every year that goes by now, makes me wish the days would last longer and the years would slow down.

That's it for today. A little history, a couple of food photos, and some social commentary is all I've got. Maybe something more will come to mind tomorrow.

I believe in this

2012-01-11T09:22:00.000-05:00

I may be coming down with a cold or something akin to that. I have felt really tired and my body aches. But then I have been crawling around on the boat and doing a lot of varnish work on it for the last few days. I will just ride it out and see if the fatigue is just that or if it is something else.

Today, I am staying home. Yesterday, I was interviewed for a program on ETV. I enjoyed the producer and the cameraman. They were interesting, asked good questions, got great footage, and made the interview fun. I have done a lot of interviews over my career. One of the facts about me is that I was once featured on CBS National News with Dan Rather. But the interesting part was the research and the interesting critters that I was studying. I didn't care much about any focus on me. And the same thing yesterday--we spent over three hours talking about some extremely interesting critters in the salt marsh whose behavior in many ways is more civilized than ours.

I received some sad news about a friend yesterday. He has been diagnosed with acute myeloid leukemia and is undergoing intense chemo therapy. He was a colleague of mine and one of my running buddies. We did some research projects together. I told him that I would be willing to come to where he is and help out in any way. He said that he knew that, but that it was now up to God and the doctors. I get that, but that part of me still wants to reach out and make things okay for others.

He was kind to me when I first came to work at the institute. He put us up in his house while we were looking for a house to buy. And he came to visit my wife when she had her heart attack. He has done countless other things over the years that are too numerous to mention. Suffice to say that he is not an alcoholic nor one who has been affected by alcohol or drugs. He is just a good-hearted, genuine person. And that is a rare commodity in many ways.

It is odd how one day the world gets turned upside down by something that you didn't expect. That is when we not only rely on our inner strength but on our friends and on a power greater than ourselves. What amazing opportunities I have been given and what an amazing life this is.

And finally this:

"I can believe things that are true and things that aren't true and I can believe things where nobody knows if they're true or not.

I can believe in Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny and the Beatles and Marilyn Monroe and Elvis and Mister Ed. Listen - I believe that people are perfectable, that knowledge is infinite, that the world is run by secret banking cartels and is visited by aliens on a regular basis, nice ones that look like wrinkled lemurs and bad ones who mutilate cattle and want our water and our women.

I believe that the future sucks and I believe that the future rocks and I believe that one day White Buffalo Woman is going to come back and kick everyone's ass. I believe that all men are just overgrown boys with deep problems communicating and that the decline in good sex in America is coincident with the decline in drive-in movie theaters from state to state.

I believe that all politicians are unprincipled crooks and I still believe that they are better than the alternative. I believe that California is going to sink into the sea when the big one comes, while Florida is going to dissolve into madness and alligators and toxic waste.

I believe that antibacterial soap is destroying our resistance to dirt and disease so that one day we'll all be wiped out by the common cold like martians in War of the Worlds.

I believe that the greatest poets of the last century were Edith Sitwell and Don Marquis, that jade is dried dragon sperm, and that thousands of years ago in a former life I was a one-armed Siberian shaman.

I believe that mankind's destiny lies in the stars. I believe that candy really did taste better when I was a kid, that it's aerodynamically impossible for a bumble bee to fly, that light is a wave and a particle, that there's a cat in a box somewhere who's alive and dead at the same time (although if they don't ever open the box to feed it it'll eventually just be two different kinds of dead), and that there are stars in the universe billions of years older than the universe itself.

I believe in a personal god who cares about me and worries and oversees everything I do. I believe in an impersonal god who set the universe in motion and went off to hang with her girlfriends and doesn't even know that I'm alive. I believe in an empty and godless universe of causal chaos, background noise, and sheer blind luck.

I believe that anyone who says sex is overrated just hasn't done it properly. I believe that anyone who claims to know what's going on will lie about the little things too.

I believe in absolute honesty and sensible social lies. I believe in a woman's right to choose, a baby's right to live, that while all human life is sacred there's nothing wrong with the death penalty if you can trust the legal system implicitly, and that no one but a moron would ever trust the legal system.

I believe that life is a game, that life is a cruel joke, and that life is what happens when you're alive and that you might as well lie back and enjoy it." ~Neil Gaiman

Oysters, puppies, and a few other things

2012-01-09T08:08:00.000-05:00

I went to an oyster roast yesterday. It was another glorious day, with temperatures in the mid 60's. I ate oysters, watched the dogs retrieve in the pond, caught up with some friends and had a nice afternoon. It felt good to see an old neighbor who was actually the person to whom I made my first amends. I am no longer worried about his opinion of me. My side of the street is clean.

One of the highlights was seeing and holding some 8 week old puppies whose mother was the daughter of my old girl who recently died. These were her grandbabies, and they were precious. Nothing like nuzzling some babies that have that wonderful puppy breath. Their sturdy little bodies and thick coats were awesome. It did my heart good to see these descendants that go back several generations from my line of English Labradors.

I generally read blogs in the morning and evening. I have found that my meditation time is not complete without opening blogs and checking in on what you are doing. My blog roll has grown enormously since I started blogging several years ago. I find that I get so much out of what is posted. In many ways, what you write has been as much an integral part of my recovery as meetings have.

Many times I will read a blog entry that makes me think about what it was like when I first started going to meetings. One of the bloggers was writing about her experience with going to an Al-Anon meeting and not feeling comfortable because the meeting was closed.

Al-Anon meetings are closed because they are limited to members and prospective members who will feel free to share and listen to the experience, strength, and hope of one another on a confidential and anonymous basis. This means that therapists, health professionals and people who don't have a problem with alcoholism won't be attending just to observe. Having a closed meeting keeps it safe for all who attend.

An Al-Anon meeting may choose to be "open" by the consent of its participants. An "open" Al-Anon meeting allows attendance by people who are not families and friends of alcoholics but who are interested in learning about Al-Anon. People who may come to open Al-Anon meetings occasionally include students and professionals who work with alcoholics and their families. I've been in these open meetings in which students attend. And invariably, one of them will share that there is someone in the family who is affected by the disease.

Tradition 3 states that the only requirement for membership is that there be a problem of alcoholism in a relative or friend. That's pretty broad. Most of us have relatives or friends who have a problem with alcoholism. I know many people who come to Al-Anon who have relatives who are drug addicts. And that is largely because there are so few Nar-Anon meetings and Families Anonymous meetings around. But the focus is not on the alcoholic (or addict) but on the crazy behavior of those who live with them. The anger, resentment, worry, enabling, sadness are common emotions that occur when someone you love is making a mess of their lives.

I do believe in singleness of purpose. But I have not seen anyone turned away because their loved one was a drug addict rather than solely an alcoholic. Now days, there are so many that have both problems. Or perhaps one morphs into the other. I was told to attend six meetings before making up my mind about whether Al-Anon was for me. I picked my sponsor at my third meeting. He showed me compassion and from that I learned to be compassionate. I learned to shift my focus from talking about the destructive behavior of my loved one to the destructive behavior that I had. And that is what meetings are about. We come in hopeless and learn to have hope, learn to have a life that isn't filled with anxiety and obsessing about others, learn to live for ourselves again. Powerful stuff.

Walking away and diving for dreams

2012-01-07T21:58:00.000-05:00

We had a nice afternoon, deciding to go to a movie with an early dinner afterwards. The movie was Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, the 2011 release, and was excellent. I spent some time in Stockholm, so it was nice to see the old city with its narrow streets and cobblestones. I have been in December when the snow was coming down in a blizzard, and the windows were lit by the Julstacke lights.

The movie had a lot of powerful scenes but perhaps the most disturbing was the terrible rape of the heroine, Elsbeth. I had not realized that the author, Steig Larsson, had witnessed the gang rape of a young woman when he was in his teens. Failing to help her, he was haunted by the brutality of men against women. We talked about that after the movie, both of us expressing that there are terrible people who are within our midst, perhaps that we know, who do awful, unspeakable things to others.

I also didn't realize that Larsson lived in fear of his life because of his anti-establishment views in which he sought to counteract the growth of the extreme right and the white power-culture in schools and among young people. Sounds kind of familiar, doesn't it?

And finally this sentiment:
“Always retain the ability to walk away, without sentimentality, from a situation that felt unmanageable. That was a basic rule of survival. Don't lift a finger for a lost cause.” ~Stieg Larsson

Walking away without sentimentality is one of the most difficult things. How is it possible to not have some sentimentality, some grief, some regret? I have too much sentiment, I think. I have found it easy to walk away in the heat of anger. That's the self-righteous part when anger fuels the feet and the mind to distance itself. But, that fuel gets reduced to fumes when the reality of regret, sadness and great loss come in. I would like to not lift a finger for a lost cause, but I am a sucker for them. The underdog, the lost, the downtrodden have intrigued me for a long time. It is a reason that I was attracted to alcoholics and the unmanageable life. Sometimes you just have to trust your heart, dive for dreams, and see where that leads you.

dive for dreams
dive for dreams
or a slogan may topple you
(trees are their roots
and wind is wind)
trust your heart
if the seas catch fire
(and live by love
though the stars walk backward)
honour the past
but welcome the future
(and dance your death
away at the wedding)
never mind a world
with its villains or heroes
(for good likes girls
and tomorrow and the earth)
in spite of everything
which breathes and moves, since Doom
(with white longest hands
neating each crease)
will smooth entirely our minds
-before leaving my room
i turn, and (stooping
through the morning) kiss
this pillow, dear
where our heads lived and were.

silently if, out of not knowable

silently if, out of not knowable
night's utmost nothing,wanders a little guess
(only which is this world)more my life does
not leap than with the mystery your smile
sings or if (spiralling as luminous
they climb oblivion)voices who are dreams,
less into heaven certainly earth swims
than each my deeper death becomes your kiss
losing through you what seemed myself,i find
selves unimaginably mine;beyond
sorrow's own joys and hoping's very fears
yours is the light by which my spirit's born:
yours is the darkness of my soul's return
-you are my sun,my moon,and all my stars

~ee cummings

Back home and Seven things

2012-01-05T10:00:00.000-05:00

I made it back home to the Lowcountry without any trouble. I saw some major accidents on the road though. Traffic was backed up for miles and people were out strolling down the median, walking their dogs, and having a picnic on the grass. It was bizarre! Driving on the interstate is risky business. Big trucks and tail gating really make me tense.

In my current tired state, I don't have anything earth shattering to write about. However, I will post in response to the seven things about myself that Lou over at Subdural Flow II asked me to write. It is for the Versatile Blogger award. Thanks, Lou! I think that I have done this before so hope that this isn't too repetitive. So here goes.

1. I have a highly intuitive sense. It is often spooky. I can tell that some things are going to happen before they do.

2. I would rather be around animals than with most people. I think that I may have been a dog in another life as I seem to relate to them easily.

3. I don't like doing mundane and repetitive things. I am always looking for new adventures and something new to explore. Maybe that's why the career that I chose was such a great one. Going to the bottom of the ocean in a submersible was a real adventure.

4. I have some piercings but no tattoos.

5. I have a tendency to be direct and to the point when talking to others. I wish that other people would get to the point too. I don't bullshit, mindfuck, or play with people. And I don't like people who bullshit, mindfuck or play with me.

6. Some of my physical activities have included long-distance cycling, running, rowing, kick-boxing and riding. Now I mostly row and sail.

7. I am a romantic and believe that there are particular people who come into our life for a reason and are our soul mates.

So that's my list. I won't ask anyone specifically to do this, although I would like to see what Ms. Moon at Bless Our Hearts, Brian at Waystation One and Judy at Jump and Then Build Wings have to say. I know that they have some interesting things to share. If they don't write, go visit them. They have great blogs. Ms. Moon is a no BS writer, Brian is a no BS poet, and Judy is a no BS person in recovery. They fit the idea of a versatile blogger.

My tribe

2012-01-04T12:50:00.000-05:00

Last night, I went to a meeting at the 12 step club. One of the ladies who was at the meeting on Monday night was there, and she gave me a big hug. As Ms. Moon commented, no matter where I go, I can find my people--members of a tribe that "understand as few others can". It surely is a comfort to know that.

I got a comment yesterday from Cris who said that she needed help. Cris is in Spain so I'm hoping that she will find an AA meeting nearby. The fellowship of AA and Al-Anon are worldwide so if anyone needs help, that help is available. And if you cannot travel to a meeting, there are phone services worldwide where you can talk to someone who understands and can share their experience, strength and hope with you.

Not coincidentally, the topic last night was on facing your fears and taking steps to move in a positive direction. Even if those are little steps, each one added to another is an accomplishment. Just like sailing, a slight shift in direction can change the course to a destination. If I don't think that I am moving in a positive direction, maybe it is time for me to make a shift, take a risk, and see what happens. You may be amazed.

I will be leaving here tomorrow. I am looking forward to getting home. It's time for me to rejoin the tribe where my heart is.

"The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step." ~Lao-Tse

Finding a voice

2012-01-03T15:14:00.000-05:00

This city is filled with so many people. Even the grocery store was packed. And people are honking horns and driving like maniacs. This country boy cannot wait to get back to the island.

There are a lot of boats here--big ones that speak of lots of money. This is a wealthy city by many standards. But I know that there are other areas where things aren't so great--just a few blocks from the big houses and big marinas. I know that I would not like to live here.

I found an Al-Anon meeting last night. It was one that was behind a gate in an upscale housing community. I drove back and forth trying to find it, finally stopping at a gas station where I asked a policeman who was buying a carton of cigarettes. He told me how to get there--it was a turn next to the gas station into the housing development. I looked for the church steeple and made my way to where I saw cars parked and the Welcome Al-Anon sign on the door.

I walked in to a group of five people who warmly welcomed me. It was about one minute before the meeting started. When I told them that I had difficulty finding the meeting place, the chair person said, "Well, we were waiting for you." That is a great welcome to a person you have not met. And just like that, it was a meeting of people who shared about how to let go when someone in your life is drinking their's away.

Several shared that they had children who were active alcoholics. Slob living conditions, no job, asking for money--that seemed to be the common thread for parents who were trying to give love but not support the many demands of the alcoholic. One lady said that she would send her brother a gift card for a food in a grocery store but worried that he would buy wine instead of food. Another mother shared that she did not like to visit her son because he lived in an abysmal place, never cleaned it, and played on her sympathy to get money from her.

I thought about several bloggers who are trying to find a balance between love and enabling. I do believe that each of us has a higher power. The alcoholic who is destitute and hurting has a higher power, just as I do. I think that at some point, the realization that no other human can make me feel better, was the most important thing that turned me towards a spiritual solution. I have no answers for others. I am not in their situation with children who are killing themselves with alcohol. But I can see that it is no easy thing to have your heart being torn from you while saying, "No, I will not send you money."

I am going to another meeting tonight. No matter where I go, the stories are the same. And in this city, it would seem that there are so many more people out there who haven't yet found a voice to tell theirs.

Hoppin' John

2012-01-02T09:44:00.000-05:00

I made it to my destination in Florida. Traffic was surprisingly light. I was driving 75 mph and people were flying by me like there was a firecracker up their butt. People in Florida sure do put the hammer down.

My main concern on the drive was getting some collard greens and Hoppin' John. Hoppin' John is the Southern US version of a traditional rice and beans dish eaten throughout West Africa. It consists of black-eyed peas or field peas and rice, with chopped onion and sliced bacon or ham hock. Smaller than black-eyed peas, field peas are used in the Low Country of South Carolina and Georgia; black-eyed peas are the norm elsewhere.

Throughout the coastal South, eating Hoppin' John on New Year's Day is thought to bring a prosperous year filled with luck. Collard greens, kale, turnip greens, and mustard greens eaten along with this dish are supposed to add to the wealth since they are the color of money. Another traditional New Year's Day food, cornbread, also represents wealth since it is the color of gold.

I was getting worried until I found a diner where they served up the money and good luck as part of a vegetable plate along with some corn bread. I was happy! So if you missed out on some peas, greens, and corn bread, there is always next year.

Today, I'm going to mosey around a bit. Maybe check out the marinas. I'll help my friend get settled in his accommodations where he will be studying for the next few weeks. I've already checked the Al-Anon schedule and will be going to a meeting tonight. I'm going to call the local AIS to make sure of the meeting schedule. We will probably also hit some open AA meetings as well. There is a 12 step house not far from here.

The first day of 2012 has been good to me. But it has been hard on others. My wife misunderstood when the caregivers were returning so she spent New Year's Eve at her parents' home. She got home yesterday around noon and was so relieved. I know that she won't be doing the night shift for an entire week again. I told her that I thought it would be too much and now she agrees.

And to the bloggers out there who have been having troubles with family members, all I can say is take care of yourself. Giving up your own life to try to save someone else's doesn't work. Two people are then lost. I know that you love your child, spouse, husband, friend, etc. but you cannot save them. And meanwhile the "normal" people in the family become less happy and more mixed up in the disease of alcoholism/addiction. It took a lot of painful reminders for me to finally understand that I was not only harming myself but others when I tried to love them out of their disease. If you think that you have that kind of power, I have news for you--the disease will kill you from stress, worry, and anxiety. The martyr role is not going to stop the disease either. I finally understood the words "keep the focus on yourself" that my sponsor hammered into me. I get it.

Okay, that's it for now. Time to find a grocery store.

Old Year reflections

2012-01-01T00:01:00.000-05:00

So it's goodbye to 2011. I honestly don't know where the time went. But it has receded in hours, minutes and seconds until there is nothing left, except the memories. And here are a few of mine:

1. That day last February when my wife said that she was having a heart attack. She recovered, made life style changes, and is grateful to be alive. Me too.

2. The passing of some great dogs--Timmi and Stella. You were here for too short a time.

3. The aging process and seeing the decline in my wife's parents. I have learned a lot about compassion for the very old who are sick. And I have learned about my limitations.

4. The boat, the water, the beach--my own sanctuary which I have come to find as necessary as breathing. And the island where I live is a place of quiet and peace too.

5. Saying goodbye to my sponsor who moved away. He was there for me from the beginning. Poignant but accepting that we all have to move on.

6. Growing in recovery and applying the principles to my life. Al-Anon has taught me about acceptance, love, spirituality, compassion, faith, honesty, and hope. So many positive things given so freely. And you bloggers were part of that. Thanks for being here on the journey.

7. Taking some maritime courses that stretched my mind. I learned a lot and had fun in the process. Retirement at my relatively young age has definite rewards.

8. Expanding my culinary and gardening skills. The garden has become a joy. And the vegetables have been incredible. All the foodies that blog have been inspiring. You know who you are.

9. Enhanced social and political consciousness. I don't write much about this, but I have become more and more attuned to social and political issues. This year was memorable for the social pressures that were front and center in my mind. I worked more with kids to teach them about the environment.

10. Loving photography and taking steps to sell some photos. Entering photo competitions may happen soon. No matter, I carry my camera everywhere. The artistic part of me provides balance to the scientific part.

So those are some of the highlights for me. Not every day was wonderful but each one presented some lesson. More will be revealed in the coming year.

“For last year's words belong to last year's language

And next year's words await another voice.” ~T.S. Eliot

ER

2011-12-31T10:19:00.000-05:00

I spent five hours yesterday in the ER waiting while my mother-in-law was checked over and given some kind of "rocket" enema that caused her to finally become unconstipated. No shit!

Waiting around the ER is interesting. I am glad that I haven't had to spend too much time in them. The times that I have spent there have been difficult, some more than others. This was the ER that they brought my mother to after she collapsed. She died on the way there. The doctors and clergy took me back to the enclosed area where she was lying. I stayed with her there for a while--those private moments of raw emotions. My father-in-law arrived, and he cried when he saw my mother.

I have been to ER several times for both my father-in-law and my mother-in-law during their various health crises over the past year. And my wife was brought here after being bitten by a copperhead and having a stingray spine go through her leg. It's not a place that I want to hang out in for long though.

Yesterday things were pretty quiet until we were leaving the ER. One of the nurses said that there were multiple GSW's coming in. There were over six ambulances coming in. I later heard on the news that multiple people in a family were involved in a domestic situation with two people in critical condition.

It feels odd to be standing in the midst of all of this. Surreal really. It is like being in a movie. I wanted to get out of there but had to wait until the ambulances were unloaded and the wounded taken inside. This morning the paper had a small article about the shootings, noting that Christmas lights were still up at the house. A hand-painted sign at one home near the shooting scene read: "Jesus is the Reason ... Be thankful God is Good."

I'm glad to be back home. I'm glad to be away from hospitals. It feels far removed to be here, sitting on the couch at home, with a couple of cats curled up next to me and sleeping dogs nearby. This hospital visit had a good outcome. I hope that the shooting victims have a good outcome. We are a violent society, becoming more so all the time.

Today, I'm loading up a few things for the drive to Florida. It will take about 10 hours to get to the destination. I hope to be heading back home on Wednesday. It's a quick trip to help out a friend. Happy New Year to you. Ya'll be safe, okay?

Vegetative state

2011-12-29T09:20:00.000-05:00

I have been amazingly worthless this week. I am wondering about my lack of energy. I'm not depressed but wanting to cocoon, stay home, read and take naps. So I have done just that. I have not been to the boat, have not done much of anything outside, and have only driven off the property a couple of times.

I think that all is a bit "off" because my wife is spending the nights with her parents. When she gets home in the morning, we have coffee, read the paper, and catch up on how things were the night before. I really don't want to go anywhere once she is home, and that feels okay.

I have a tendency to be solitary so cocooning at home isn't that unusual. When I was working, the days between Christmas and New Year's Day were when I rested and did as little as possible. I knew that once the Christmas holiday was over, there would be few long stretches of time when I would be able to vegetate. In the last few years, my cocooning has been on the boat. I much prefer being out on the water and away from the marina, and right now that isn't possible.

In a few days, I will be taking a road trip to Florida. The thought of the long drive isn't appealing. Maybe I am preparing subconsciously for the drive and being away by resting and staying at home. I will be there for a few days and then head back home. I'm trying to psych myself up for the trip. I'm not being very successful at that for the moment.

I did manage to go see the movie "War Horse". It was a throwback to the type of feel good movies that Hollywood used to make. I like a good horse or dog story. And somehow I think that this was as much about how terrible war is as it was about fate and how it may work in our favor.

Today, I am going to debone the turkey and help C. make a turkey pot pie. She scoffs at turkey leftovers, but I think that this might actually be a good tasty dish. Okay, this paragon of domesticity is going to get to work. And then it will be time for a nap.....

Rainy day thoughts on adapting

2011-12-27T22:30:00.000-05:00

I awoke to rain this morning. It was nice to have warm temperatures and rain pouring down. The dogs went for a good run but came into their dog room muddy and shaking the water off their coats. No worries on that as the room is dog proof, having had many foot prints on the tile floor and much wet shaking over the years. Their thick double coats are made to shed water which is an amazing adaptation for the work that a retriever does.

I stayed up way too late last night reading. When my wife is not home, I tend to be the consummate night owl. I can read as late as I want. Even though she doesn't complain, I have a feeling that I need to shut the book, turn off the light and hug her. Since I retired, I have allowed myself to succumb to my natural photoperiod of staying up late and sleeping in until around 7:30 in the morning. So last night, I read until 2 AM. When she got home at 7 AM, I got up, had coffee, and we talked. But we both got a nap later! I am adapting to the natural rhythm of my body after so many years of altering it to suit a schedule.

We talked about how focused old people are on bowel movements. I remember that my mother became obsessed with it. Now, C's mother has become obsessed with it. I hope that my final years aren't spent worrying about crap like that. In fact, it is one of the least important things on my mind. The body does what it will do. If enough goes in, then something will eventually come out. I may have to adapt to eating different foods as I get older, but I hope to not obsess about health issues.

Looks like the BBQ was worth the drive!

My home group meeting was cancelled last night due to lack of attendance. A fellow blogger's husband was going to come to the meeting and made the drive up from Hilton Head. Fortunately, he found a good BBQ place and enjoyed seeing the old church where the meeting is held and the little town. Hopefully, we will get to catch up at a meeting when he comes back in a few months. He sent me photos of the "cue", and it looked great. An adaptation to a change in plans resulted in something good.

I have caught up on quite a few blog posts. Some people had a good holiday with family, while others were struggling with the drama of alcohol and drug addiction and making the most of Christmas without their loved ones. All the expectations of Christmas seem to come pouring out no matter how hard I try. This year I managed to hold those expectations in check. And it turned out to be okay. I am adapting to the idea that aspects of what used to be are no longer. But I like to think that every day makes a new start to something that might be better than what was.

A sanctuary

2011-12-26T09:44:00.000-05:00

Christmas day has come and gone. My father used to say that "it's as far away now as it will ever be." He was full of those kinds of sayings that would make the child Syd sad. Now I realize that he was just being real. And I remember a lot of those sayings now and smile.

It was a quiet Christmas day. My wife went to her parents' house on Christmas Eve night and just got home this morning. I went over there yesterday to have Christmas Day dinner with the parents. We ate leftovers and watched them open Christmas cards. It's interesting how they get a hundred cards every year. Sending cards has become somewhat of a lost art. I remember how carefully my mother would choose the cards and address them. We haven't sent cards in years. Somehow, e-cards just don't quite have the same effect as getting a handwritten note from someone in a card.

I went over to visit some friends early last evening. They had their family for Christmas dinner. It was nice to enjoy their company and the lively conversation about politics, books, and movies. My old girl, Stella, who died on November 27 was in a short movie that they filmed. I'm going to be getting a copy of the movie and the raw footage of her. I could feel the tears in my eyes when I saw her in the movie. It was her first and last time on a couch. Her part was to be on the couch and be called into the kitchen by one of the characters. She had never been on a couch before so I had to coax her up on the couch. She must have thought that I'd lost my mind--"A couch, really?? What is he doing??" She was such a trooper.

Later, I came home, turned on the Christmas lights, took the dogs for a walk in the rain, and read some more from Hemingway's Boat by Paul Hendrickson. It's about his sport fishing boat "Pilar" that he had custom built, fished on through three wives, the Nobel Prize, and his ultimate ruin. "Pilar" was his sanctuary which I can identify with in so many ways. In Hendrickson's words, "Pilar" was:

"A place to weather the storms of professional criticism and escape the anxieties of broken marriages and ruined friendships. On her deck, he entertained celebrities, propositioned women, wielded his firearms, saved swimmers from sharks and relaxed with his children. Pilar represented this little encapsulated existence where for a long weekend, or just an afternoon, he could get away from the pressures of the writing desk."

I think we all need something like "Pilar", whether it is a boat, the woods, exercise, meetings, rooms filled with people or just sitting in meditation. A sanctuary. Yes, we all need that.

It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters, in the end. ~Ernest Hemingway

Christmas Eve

2011-12-24T21:05:00.000-05:00

I wanted to share some happy moments from this Christmas Eve. Wishing you much love and joy with your family. No matter what the expectations are, the day is about love and caring, just as I would like every day to be. Let's make it so.

Waiting for the parents to arrive.

The tree and a few presents for each of us.

C.'s mom looking cheerful. She seemed to enjoy it all!

Pop opening his gifts.

The dining room ready for lunch.

Brad and Jessica sharing a kiss under the mistletoe. They are such a great couple! They have a wonderful sense of humor and take such good care of C.'s parents.

Brad modeling a nightshirt that Mom got as a gift.

Jessica modeling some new workout clothes that we gave Pop.

We were so glad that the parents and Brad and Jess made it over. It was the only present that we wanted.

From us to you--wishing you peace and love this Christmas and may every day be filled with those most important of gifts.

Magical Thinking

2011-12-23T11:00:00.000-05:00

We are at the boat until tomorrow. The weather is warm so everyone is out and about in tee shirts. It feels great to be back on board after a couple of months of sanding and painting. I have missed spending time on her just relaxing instead of working. I know that being totally land based is not what I want to do. I am drawn to the water and feel most content here.

Tomorrow we are having the parents and caregivers over for lunch. They seemed happy to be coming over. We will have the Christmas dinner early and have another one on Christmas day. I feel much better knowing that they will be coming over. Somehow it is comforting us to have them be present. This is all the family there is. But it is okay.

I have been reading a couple of books that by many standards would be sad--The Year of Magical Thinking and Blue Nights by Joan Didion. Neither has been gut wrenching for me because somehow her narrative feels so distant and her writing so emotionless. Perhaps I could identify most with her desire for seclusion when the apartment was filled with people after the death of her husband. Just knowing someone was there would be enough but having to interact would be difficult. She writes something here that seemed so true:

"The worst days will be the earliest days. We imagine that the moment to most severely test us will be the funeral, after which this hypothetical healing will take place. When we anticipate the funeral we wonder about failing to "get through it," rise to the occasion, exhibit the "strength" that invariably gets mentioned as the correct response to death. We anticipate needing to steel ourselves then for the moment: will I be able to greet people, will I be able to leave the scene, will I be able even to get dressed that day? We have no way of knowing that this will not be the issue. We have no way of knowing that the funeral itself will be anodyne, a kind of narcotic regression in which we are wrapped in the care of others and the gravity and meaning of the occasion. Nor can we know ahead of the fact (and here lies the heart of the difference between grief was we imagine it and grief as it is) the unending absence that follows, the void, the very opposite of meaning, the relentless succession of moments during which we will confront the experience of meaninglessness itself.” --Joan Didion, The Year of Magical Thinking

The void is something that I have feared as long as I can remember. But I see that the fear of loss is not something so huge to me at the moment. I lived through my parents deaths. I have gotten through the deaths of friends and beloved animals. There are days when we each are brought to our knees. Yet, something within still seeks the positive, the light, if you will. I feel hopeful that all will be basically okay as long as I am willing to seek that light.