I'm just F.I.N.E.-- Recovery in Al-Anon

Worn out

2013-05-17T10:47:00.001-04:00

I am on my way to New York on business. I'm not enthusiastic about the trip. It's been a busy week, tiring in many ways. I would rather be home or spending the weekend on the boat rather than hassling with airports.

The garden is doing well. We are still enjoying fresh strawberries. The blueberries are beginning to ripen. The flowers are happily blooming.

My wife has been sad lately. This appears to be some of her depression returning. She holds so much inside. Today, she has an appointment with her doctor to talk about what she is feeling. I know there is a lot of stress with settling her mom 's estate, getting the house painted and ready to sell, and going about her usual work. I want to help, but she doesn't seem to want help.

I have said before that being in a relationship with an alcoholic can be lonely. Helping each other and talking out problems are what I like to do. She seems unhappy and anxious. Yesterday, she was in tears because two birthday cards arrived for her mother from some old friends who didn't know her mom had died. And we both miss her a lot so there is the grief to deal with too.

I don't have much else. I am doing the best I can to stay positive, but somedays, I feel worn out.

Stars in the sky

2013-05-08T20:04:00.000-04:00

Finally, a streak of good weather for at least a few days. No rain--just cool nights and warm days. I will be on the boat for the weekend which is good. I am needing to get my share of boat days in, which have seemed amazingly short over the past few weeks.

We have been working in the yard and garden quite a bit. The strawberries are ripe, and they have been good with our breakfast in the morning. The blueberries are plentiful but not ready yet. I ordered some blackberry plants that will be great for next year. It's time to pick them along the hedgerows now.

My cousin continues to languish in an intensive care unit. Skeletal and with pneumonia now, I am hoping that his slow death will end soon. I continue to marvel at what we do to keep those we love alive because not having them seems to be the most frightening thing of all. Perhaps, it's because we cut ourselves off from others, give up friends, and become obsessive about a person. I see that tendency in myself so I recognize it and am all too familiar with seclusions seductiveness.

My father-in-law is much loved by a large African American nurse who cares for him. She clucks over him, making sure that he is eating something soft, trying to get calorie enriched drinks into him. He talks to her and tells her things about himself and his wife. And yet, he still doesn't want to say but a few words to me or to my wife. I know that it hurts C., but she is resigned to the fact that he was not much of a father to her ever.

Their history is one that had a lot of upheaval. And she still has flashbacks of being a child in the midst of their arguments, powerless to do anything but hide, scream or cry for them to stop. I don't know why he has chosen to shun her now. But we both still go to see him, repeating the same visits over and over, hoping for different results. The only thing that has changed is that we don't go as often, only a couple of times a week now. Insanity kept to a minimum level of damage.

My home group meeting has even had its share of upheaval lately. One lady got her nose out of joint about how the meeting was conducted by a person chairing. And evidently there is still some resentment hanging around, even after an amends. I can sit still with the tension and share because this ultimately is not my problem to solve. I simply get weary of the shortcomings that suck the joy out of something that is meant to be healing.

So I am happy with my plants, going to the gym, journaling, doing some photography, and sitting on the deck in the cool of the evening to watch the stars in the night sky.

“The nitrogen in our DNA, the calcium in our teeth, the iron in our blood, the carbon in our apple pies were made in the interiors of collapsing stars. We are made of starstuff.” ― Carl Sagan

Mother's Day 2013 is not Today

2013-05-05T08:23:00.000-04:00

I thought today was Mother's Day. But I am going to leave this up because I am obviously a week off and am thinking of the mothers today.

It's a windy and rainy day here. Most likely if the mothers were still alive, we would have them here, sitting in front of a fire and fixing them lunch and dinner. Then we would give them a few presents. My mother liked pretty things, while my MIL liked practical things. No mothers are around anymore for us.

I can look back and remember them so well when they were bustling about and not infirm, crippled by age and illness. Sometimes, flashbacks happen, and I am transported back to when my mother would read to me, take me on scientific collecting trips, help me with homework, and console me when I was anxious about something. Or she will come to me in dreams, in which I am helping her. I can recall her in those moments as if she never left.

With my MIL dying so recently, I have thought many times of her over the past two months. I see so many things that she did for her daughter. Her pressed tablecloths are still in the linen closet, wrapped in wax paper. Nearly everyday, we come across something that reminds us of her. And yet, the sadness of loss is being replaced with wistful thoughts of what used to be.

The loss of parents is a reminder of my own aging which I have been feeling more and more of late. I can still physically do a lot, but I have a sense that the days are slipping by too quickly. I am considered middle aged now. I saw what aging did to my parents and has done to my in-laws. Thankfully, my parents died suddenly without a prolonged illness. My MIL and FIL were not so lucky.

I don't feel like giving in to aging but realize that the things I used to do all day cause me to ache some now. I gave up running because it began to hurt too much. And I have more of a desire to simply relax now and not push myself to do more. I am certainly conscious of my age. I understand now when my mother told me that she still felt as if she were 25 on the inside. But for me, there are days that I feel my age on the inside too.

So today I'm wishing for all the mothers that there is some happiness in knowing that you are loved. Inside the core of every child, there is a bond with the one who gave us life, no matter what the actions or words of the child may be. I hope that you enjoy your day, do something good for yourself, and realize that you are a very special person.

“But there's a story behind everything. How a picture got on a wall. How a scar got on your face. Sometimes the stories are simple, and sometimes they are hard and heartbreaking. But behind all your stories is always your mother's story, because hers is where yours begin.” ― Mitch Albom

What I have been doing

2013-04-30T13:21:00.000-04:00

I've had a busy time lately. I spent the weekend on a trip down to the ACE Basin. I asked a fellow that I know to ride along, thinking that he would give me a hand at the wheel so that I wouldn't be at the helm for 8 hours. I found out that he really doesn't know much about boats. And that's really okay, because I had made the ASSumption that because he belonged to a boating organization, he might know something.

He is an affable fellow so we had good discussions on a lot of things. He lost his wife six years ago and is still sad about that. He said that his life pretty much went off track after she died. Not the drinking kind of off track but just not really there, if you know what I mean. We talked politics because he shares the same leftist liberal views that I do. I can tell you that if he weren't, we would have had a lot less to talk about because I don't discuss politics with most people. We talked about his being Jewish and his going back to synagogue. And we talked about what kind of boat he would like to get. He spent a lot of time on the iPhone too.

We passed the time and eventually met up with some fellow boaters and sailors at a marina. Happy hour was pretty happy but not over the top. And the dinner was at a resort restaurant. I was seated across from a lady and her husband who were doing the Great Loop which goes up the East Coast. Interesting stuff, except that she was really snippy and rude to her husband who seemed to want to talk incessantly. He was working on his third Dark and Stormy, repeating the earlier stories, and she was telling us how she knew who she was at 20 and didn't need to learn much more about herself. I finally said that I didn't have a clue who I was at 20 and was really getting to know who I was over the past decade. I am really happy that I have made that progress. And I know enough to realize that I can last through a two hour dinner with just about anyone, learn something, and then walk back to the boat.

On Sunday, we headed back up the coast to my home port. I was tired and in need of a good soaking shower when I got home. But here are some photos of the scenery on the trip.

At the dock

Lots of marsh and lowlands

Storm clouds coming in

Paddle boarders going by

A bridge opening on the ICW

Old boat shed along the way

Yes, that is a manned gun boat telling me to stay away.

And then there is the garden. It is coming along nicely. My wife has a green thumb. We have mulched, planted, amended, and irrigated. The flowers are her pride and joy. I like them but am partial to growing the edibles. I do like the strawberries and blueberry plants. I had best show you the way it looks now because later in the summer, it will not look nearly as pretty or lush.

The blueberries!

Irrigating the raised beds

Potatoes coming up

The walkway to the front door

Today is also my mother's birthday. I usually write a tribute to her here. My tribute to her this year is short. She was an inspiration in so many ways. I miss her every day. She loved me as her child and taught me about dedication, science, a love for books and research, and to pursue my dreams no matter what.

A letter to the alcoholic from an Al-Anon

2013-04-25T08:18:00.000-04:00

I am your family member, lover, friend. I need help. I too have been affected by the disease of alcoholism which has caused me to lose my self-esteem, self-respect and motivation in our relationship. I am learning through Al-Anon to take a stand on behalf of myself as your parent, child, wife, lover or friend.

Don't lie to me because in doing so you only lie to yourself by accepting your lies as truth. The truth may be painful, but I must realize my own truths in rigorous honesty.

I do not have the power to make anyone "entirely ready" to choose recovery. I am choosing recovery for me. If you so choose, you will call on your Higher Power - the god of your understanding for this help.

Don't believe you can outsmart alcoholism. It is a progressive disease that will take you hostage, teach you to avoid responsibility and lose respect for yourself, while others will lose respect for you at the same time. It will break you to the point that you may die.

Don't try to exploit or take advantage of me because I am learning to focus and take care of myself. I have personal boundaries and dignity and won't be an accomplice to your evasion of responsibility. I am taking responsibility for my part by working the Al-Anon program one day at a time and embracing a new way of living.

Don't lecture me, moralize, scold, praise, blame or argue whether you are drunk or sober. I am no longer a doormat. I have moved out of the doorway and you cannot step on me anymore. I am detaching with love: "I'll see you after my meeting. I love you."

Don't make promises you don't intend to keep. Let's be honest with one another. Neither of us is perfect, and I doubt we ever will be. I think that is okay. I accept you as you are. I can take what I like and leave the rest. Can you say the same of me? If we postpone the pain by not working on ourselves, are we happier or just stuck? We can try to run away, but I know that wherever I go, there I am.

Mostly, I am not going to have expectations of who I think you "should" be. For me, I can have expectations that by working the steps I will find peace. I know now that half measures will avail us nothing. Alcoholism drove me to surrender and choose recovery. Are you ready to do the same?

Don't lose your temper with me. I am not going to take what you say personally and am not going to react to your anger by reciprocating with rage and harboring resentments. When I point a finger at you and take your inventory, there are four more fingers pointing back at me. Let's communicate respectfully, and speak in the same manner we would like to be spoken to.

If one of us grows a little quicker than the other, don't let anxiety about this cause us to abandon one another or give up on ourselves because of fear, nor let it compel us to do for one another what we must do for ourselves. Let's not tell one another how to work our programs or make threats if there are program slips or relapses. Let's allow one another the dignity to make our own choices and experience our own consequences.

Also, let us not use words and deeds that would cause us to suffer consequences of criticism, shaming, rejection, or abandonment for not being perfect. It's cruel to attempt to reduce a person through sarcasm and harsh words. Doing so perpetuates a crisis to our new found trust in one another and therefore, exacerbates each of our illnesses. Let's be kind to one another.

Above all, let's not run away from reality. We each have our disease and must never forget that. The journey back to ourselves is a worthwhile one. Alcoholism is an illness, and it can be arrested but never cured. We can start now to learn, understand and plan for our recovery in our respective programs. We may need the help of professionals - a doctor, counselor, or psychologist, another recovering person (a sponsor). But mostly we will need guidance from our Higher Power to recover and restore our being - to make us whole as individuals and with one another. The spirit that was broken can be repaired.

We may hate ourselves yet love one another. To do nothing is the worst choice each of us can make for ourselves and those we love. Instead let's strive together for honesty, openness and willingness.

My hope is that you will see that you are worth the effort of recovery. I know that I am.

A letter from the alcoholic

2013-04-23T21:17:00.001-04:00

At tonight's meeting, we discussed a reading from the Al-Anon pamphlet "3 Views of Alcoholism". The following is a letter from the alcoholic that is found in this pamphlet.

"I am an alcoholic. I need your help.

Don't lecture, blame or scold me. You wouldn't be angry at me for having TB or diabetes. Alcoholism is a disease, too.

Don't pour out my liquor; it's just a waste because I can always find ways of getting more.

Don't let me provoke your anger. If you attack me verbally or physically, you will only confirm my bad opinion of myself. I hate myself enough already.

Don't let your love and anxiety for me lead you into doing what I ought to do for myself. If you assume my responsibilities, you make my failure to assume them permanent. My sense of guilt will be increased, and you will feel resentful.

Don't accept my promises. I'll promise anything to get off the hook. But the nature of my illness prevents me from keeping my promises, even though I mean them every time.

Don't make empty threats. Once you have made a decision, stick to it.

Don't believe everything I tell you; it may be a lie. Denial of reality is a symptom of my illness. Moreover, I'm likely to lose respect for those I can fool too easily.

Don't let me take advantage of you or exploit you in any way. Love cannot exist for long without dimension of justice.

Don't cover up for me or try in anyway to spare me the consequences of my drinking. Don't lie for me, pay my bills or meet my obligations. It may avert or reduce the very crisis that would prompt me to seek help. I can continue to deny that I have a drinking problem as long as you provide an automatic escape for the consequences of my drinking.

Above all, do learn all you can about alcoholism and your role in relation to me. Go to open AA meetings when you can. Attend Al-Anon meetings regularly, read literature and keep in touch with Al-Anon members. They're the people who can help you see the whole situation clearly.

I love you,

Your alcoholic"

I have read this time and time again....and every time I read it, it's just as powerful as the first. It pretty much says it all. I did or thought about doing most of the things that are written. I am grateful that I went to open AA meetings and came to have compassion for the alcoholic. I realize that each day is a new day. I think of those that are sick and suffering with the disease. It is a terrible thing for the alcoholic and those who love him/her.

In a few days, I'll post the response from the Al-Anon side of things to this letter. It too is powerful.

When bad things happen

2013-04-18T11:07:00.003-04:00

This bad news week seems to not be letting up. I am a news watcher. I admit that I want to be "informed" but a part of me also wants to see what shenanigans have occurred and how the vultures of the news media work so hard and often inappropriately to eek every tidbit out of a story. It's as if I am watching a train wreck, not wanting to see but seemingly not able to tear my eyes away as the carrion birds circle over head.

And basically I am left feeling.....not much. I have become jaded to the killings, the explosions, the fires, the wounded, the dead children, the messed up and incompetent legislators. I have news burnout. Or maybe I am simply accepting that ultimate truism in Al-Anon--I am powerless over just about everything, except me and those beloved animals that depend on me to feed them and take care of them. So I've made a choice for silence on news for a few days. I'm not watching anymore grieving parents, people without legs, burning buildings and flabby chinned geezers who proclaim that they know what the American people want.

My powerlessness was a realization early in life. I was powerless over my father's attitude and drinking; powerless over my mother's depression; powerless over the animals that got run over in the road; powerless over love and rejection. But even though I might have known that I was powerless at some deep level, I still suffered in my heart and head from what I couldn't control. I kept thinking that I could somehow make things right, do things over, and force others to see how wrong they were. If that didn't work, I could be passive aggressive, self-pitying, and ceaselessly ask "Why?". Acceptance wasn't in my nature.

I still have an issue with injustice. I want to see things set right. I want to see people care about each other, see their goodness come out.

I'm not about seeing the bad people suffer. Somehow, I think that they already are suffering, not liking themselves much if the truth were known. And for those who can't see that they do wrong, and are all caught up in hate, well....those are the ones that will not get it no matter what I do or don't do.

The injustices of this week will fade a bit with time for most of us. And there will be a respite in which we move on to something else. Even the small "hurts" that happen every day can be viewed as an injustice. What I need to think about is what my part was in what happened. Sometimes the answer is nothing. But most times, if I search deep within, I realize I played a role, at least a small one. Admitting that takes away the power of judging and self-pity and teaches me how not to do it again. Blaming everyone else makes me the victim, and that isn't where I want to be.

I've made a lot of amends for the hurt I caused others. I have wounded quite a few people, both intentionally and without my knowing it at the time. In my life, I haven't looked for ways to dull the pain through alcohol or drugs. I took a lot of it on the chin and in the heart. I was wounded but not fatally so. I got patched up and moved on. And when bad things happen today, I still feel the pain but somehow the hurt is less than it used to be. I am not stuck for weeks on end with resentment and righteous indignation. I don't want to strike out to wound anyone else.

Maybe I have learned that if I am hurting less when the bad things happen, I am able to laugh a bit more when something is funny and appreciate the good times, good people, good books, and good love when they come along. At least that is my hope.

Photos from the boat trip

2013-04-13T17:42:00.000-04:00

The time on the boat was really good, although the weather turned rainy and windy by Friday. We did manage to have a good fire on the beach Thursday evening. And our Labrador seemed to especially enjoy her time by the fire and on the beach. Here are some photos our excursion.

Today, we have been splitting logs from the fallen oak tree. I rented a hydraulic splitter, and so far we have split about 10 cords of wood. Much more remains to be done, but for today, we've both had enough. It is really good exercise and so far, we managed to not mash any fingers or feet. Time to get washed up and head to a meeting.

I hope that you are having a good weekend.

Taking action and letting go

2013-04-10T09:04:00.002-04:00

I want to thank all of you for comments about my cousin, R. And I am especially grateful to Mary Christine who offered her suggestion to contact a patient advocate or chaplain. I did just that this morning.

I have been turning my cousin's situation over in my mind and given it to my HP. But the feeling I had this morning when I read Mary Christine's comment was that I needed to make a call. I simply felt it was what I needed to do.

So I called the hospital and talked to my cousin's case worker. I told him what was going on, explained that he had an advance health care directive (AHCD), and waited for him to say something. He told me that he could not give me any information due to HIPPA and that I needed to talk to R's wife. I explained that I wasn't wanting information because I had talked to R's wife many times about him. But what I wanted was to give the hospital information that he does have an AHCD.

It is now out of my hands. I don't feel particularly settled about this. I suppose I was wanting something more than telling me I could talk to an attorney or his wife. But I did what felt right to me. I did what I thought I would want done if I were in a situation of wasting away with sores and tubes. I gave information, and if it is useful so be it.

I will give his wife a call later. And I am going to suggest to her as kindly as I can that she let him go. What she does is not something I can control. I can't have this eating at me anymore.

I am going on the boat for a couple of days, leaving this evening. I will check in with photos of the beautiful weather we are having. Yesterday, it was near 80 here. And the next few days are expected to be equally as beautiful and warm.

Thanks again to you, the blogging community, for the thoughts and comments and love that you put out there. It is much appreciated.

Running free

2013-04-05T10:00:00.000-04:00

I awoke this morning doing what I usually do: Reaching my hand out to touch my love. But her side of the bed was empty. She was already up, telling me later that she had some bad dreams that drove her to shake the sleep off and get a cup of tea before dawn.

So I lay there in the darkness, listening to the sound of rain and thinking about how empty my life would be without her. If she were not in another room, but gone. Morbid stuff that seems to have been on my mind a lot lately, ebbing with the sun but flooding back in when I think about so many who have left.

And inevitably my thoughts go to my cousin, my closest blood relative, who is lying in a hospital in Richmond, diminished to being as close to death as one can be, but being kept alive because his wife can't bear the thought of life without him. His body now has bed sores, his swallowing ability gone, his colon blocked, his breaths controlled by a ventilator, and his nourishment coming from glucose dripping into his deflated veins.

I listen to her telling me that he is a great teacher who can choose to get better. He comes from the direct line of Jesus. The doctors are wrong because he doesn't have brain cancer. His mother has invaded his body with her evil spirit and is trying to keep him sick. And she refuses to let him go because she is selfish and can't imagine life without him. If he dies, she says, then the last eight years she has cared for him will be for nothing. She tells me that she has a plan for herself if he decides to leave his body and not return.

It takes every effort that I have to not tell her that she is insane, crazy with co-dependence, and torturing this man who I grew up with, ran with, joked with and shared adventures with for so many years. I am a coward for not telling her my truth. But a voice within whispers that this isn't up to me. This is not my business or my fight. Yes, he has an advance health care directive that she is ignoring. Yes, he is in a hospital with doctors and nurses all around him. And, yes, death with come eventually when the cancer causes his brain to short circuit and his heart shuts down.

In the meantime, I look up the numbers for social services at the hospital, and the statute covering advance health care directives in Virginia. My mind seesaws between thoughts of him lying near death wasting away and minding my own business. I choose the latter because I know that once I go down the path to interfere, I will have started a shit storm that will lead to....where?

Meanwhile, another day starts for me. And another one starts for him. We are 480 miles apart, but I can see him in my mind-- not sick, frail and with sores, but barefoot and running with me. I hope that happens soon. I feel it can't happen soon enough.

Easter Weekend and a study on alcohol use

2013-04-01T10:04:00.003-04:00

We had a nice Easter weekend, going out on the boat and staying from Friday through Sunday. Although it was windy, the temperatures were up in the 60's (F) which made it comfortable for walking the beach.

I thought a lot about the meaning of Easter. And here is my take on it: There was a very giving fellow many years ago. He may or may not be very special to you, but he continued to give as others took. I think of him as an incredible poet that wrote with his actions. And his actions were simply to give...as others took and humiliated him, made jokes of him, his words and actions...as others beat him and laughed at his pain, he steadfastly gave...simply gave all that he had to give. I look for that poet today....his body long gone, his poetry remains....Easter is a remembrance of this.

Sunsets are an awesome part of the day on the water

Our Labrador is relaxing after a row to shore and a beach walk

Getting to shore in the dinghy can be exciting when it's windy

Because I am supportive of graduate studies, having been a graduate student myself many years ago, I am posting here a request from CJ who is working towards his Ph.D. in clinical psychology. Read what he has to say about his research and give him a hand by filling out his survey. All results are anonymous and you will get to be a part of a study that will hopefully be published. Good stuff.

__________________________________________

Dear Readers of I'm just F.I.N.E.,
My name is CJ and I am a graduate student working towards my Ph.D. in clinical psychology. I am currently working on my dissertation research, which focuses on a partner's role in a person's decision to seek help for alcohol use issues. I first became interested in researching alcohol use issues when I began working at a VA hospital in my hometown. The number of veterans who are returning with problematic alcohol use is increasing at an alarming rate. Working with this population led me to look into alcohol use issues more broadly, and I found that there is a major discrepancy between the number of people who struggle with alcohol on a regular basis and the number of people who seek any kind of help for it (ranging anywhere from participating in online forums to participating in more focused meetings or treatment). This has the potential to be a major issue given that alcohol use can be a risk factor for suicide, domestic violence, and other serious issues with family and employment.

I am passionate now about understanding and bridging this gap between the need in the community and the resources that are available. In my graduate work, I have focused on working with couples in a clinical setting and in my research, and so it was my natural inclination to try to understand this issue from a family perspective. Broadly, I am interested in knowing if and how a person's partner plays a major role in his/her decision to seek help for alcohol problems. Is it often a person's spouse who convinces him/her to speak to someone about alcohol problems, or are other factors more important? Does a spouse's own drinking behavior or help-seeking behavior play a role in a drinker's decision about his/her own behavior? Given the important role of the family in our overall mental and physical health, I expect that a person's partner plays a major role in many of his/her decisions, but I hope to understand this phenomena better, again to find ways to bridge the gap between those who may need to make a change and the services available to them.

To participate in my research project, please see the information below. The study is intended for both members of a married couple (you will be directed accordingly based on whether you are the partner who has expressed concern or you are the partner whom your spouse is concerned about), and is entirely anonymous. The study is completed entirely online, and should take each partner about 20 minutes. Please click on the link below to get started.

Thanks and best wishes!
CJ

Participate in a survey on couples and alcohol use and enter to win a raffle!

Are you and your spouse legally married (or in a civil union) and at least 18 years of age?
Do you or your partner currently consume alcoholic beverages at least once a month?
Is alcohol use an area of disagreement in your marriage?

If you answered yes to the above questions, you and your spouse are eligible to participate in a research survey regarding the relationship between your marriage and your alcohol-related help seeking behaviors. When you complete the survey, you will each be entered into a raffle for one of four $50 Amazon.com gift cards!

The survey will take each participant approximately 20 minutes, and survey responses will be anonymous.

Please start here:
https://surveys.clarku.edu/AlcoholUseSurveyStart.aspx

This study has been approved by the Clark Committee for the Rights of Human Participants in Research and Training Programs (IRB). Any questions about human rights issues should be directed to the IRB Chair, Dr. James P. Elliott, 508-793-7152, jelliott@clarku.edu. The study is being conducted by C.J. Fleming, M.A. and James Cordova, Ph.D. in the Psychology Department at Clark University. Please feel free to contact the researcher ( alcoholusesurveyemail@gmail.com ) or the research supervisor ( jcordova@clarku.edu ) with any questions or concerns.

Where is spring?

2013-03-26T16:54:00.004-04:00

Where is spring? I see the leaves opening, the shades of green appearing in the woods and fields, the azaleas in bloom. Yet, the winds are chilly, with temperatures more like February than late March. We have stuck close to home, making soup, taking care of estate and tax things for Pop, going to the boat to make sure all is okay there. We intersperse our time with trips to the store, to see Pop, and to meetings.

In the midst of a torrential rain and wind storm before dawn on Sunday morning, one of the giant water oaks gave out, its heart rotten, and its base no longer able to support the mighty limbs. After the shock of seeing this beautiful tree down, we began the work of cutting it up to clear the drive way, making piles of brush and logs that will be split and stored for some future cold days. And we make plans for what to plant to replace the loss, a live oak of some height, and an oak seedling that we have grown for two years. Neither will mature in our life time, but perhaps one day, they will be admired in all their magnificence.

I go to meetings, listening and sharing the message, yet I feel some kind of sea change within. It's as if a spark has been buried under some kind of ash and dank wood. I am hoping that spring and being on the boat and at the beach will rekindle the spark. I find I have little patience with myself or others. It still feels like winter within, and I wonder when the little shoots of joy will burst open again inside.

A fellow I sponsor has decided that he doesn't need to go to meetings because the alcoholic is no longer in his life. I wish that it were so simple. I would like to think that I would not resort to irritation, anger, resentment, expectations, and bitter disappointments if I were to walk away from meetings and the fellowship. The truth is I know that I need to be going to more meetings right now. I need to share, do more service work, stay in touch with friends, and sponsor those who do want what I have to offer.

I know that spring is here. I just have to see my way through until it flowers in my heart.

Moving along

2013-03-19T22:20:00.001-04:00

The service for Mom on Saturday was actually beautiful and filled me with such peace. The music, the readings, the eulogy, and the friends that were there made it special. The Monseigneur was kind and had a wit and spark that made the service both reverential and celebratory. I know that Mom would have liked the whole thing.

Both my wife and I felt some closure with the service. Some of our colleagues who came to the service invited us to attend an oyster roast at the laboratory later in the evening. We went and enjoyed talking to friends, eating oysters, and doing something together that was happy. It feels like we are getting back to some normalcy in our lives.

On Sunday, I had a call to tow a 65 foot steel hulled schooner that had gone aground. She was quite the vessel and the towing experience was interesting. Doing that job felt good too. The adrenalin and the success of towing that boat to the harbor made me feel alive and happy.

I am now in North Carolina doing some work. I will finish that in the morning and then head home. Staying busy and doing the things that I enjoy has been helpful. And my C. has been working on the garden, planting seeds, and spreading mulch in the raised beds.

All of these activities are indicative that we are moving along with the tide of living. Spring is coming, as is my wife's birthday on Thursday. It feels good to smile again.

A brief respite

2013-03-15T10:59:00.001-04:00

I was away on the boat for a few days this week. It was windy and chilly, but it felt so good to get out on the water. I have written here many times that being on the boat restores me and lifts my spirits. It's simply magical to have a place where the wind in the rigging is music and the gentle rocking lulls me to sleep.

When I come back home, I can feel the sadness overtake me. My wife has taken the death of her mother and the continued care of her father with grace, but I know how sad she is. She has struggled with depression on and off for as long as I have known her. Her way of keeping those demons at bay is to stay busy, go to meetings, read and tend to her garden. I want to see her happy, but realize that is something I can't make happen for her. So we talk and share our thoughts, love each other, and derive comfort in our closeness.

The memorial service for Mom is tomorrow. We have not been able to meet with the Monseigneur yet, as he has been busy with church activities. Hopefully, we will get to meet him before the service tomorrow. I'm a bit unnerved by not knowing him, but have had to let this go and simply trust that all will be okay. We chose beautiful music, green buds of lilies for the altar, and a tall vase of spring flowers for the little table where photos of her will be.

Sadly, Pop continues to decline, and isn't well enough to attend the service. He fell twice last week and now has to be strapped in his wheelchair. He mostly wants to stay in bed. I was thinking about how sad it is that he is spending his last days in anger and depression, not wanting to talk to anyone or be around others. He doesn't talk to my wife, even when she attempts to talk to him. Yet, he can tell the nursing home staff that he wants to go to his room.

Alcoholism truly is a disease of the body, mind and spirit. I hate what the disease does. I hate how it tells a person that he/she is not good enough, fills them with self-centered fear, and isolates them from those who care. Pop hasn't much time left, but seems to want to remain angry and isolating right up to the end. I know that there is nothing that we can do, except tell him we love him. My wife says that she has stopped expecting anything from him. I still have hope, but realize that after all these years, a mere thing like dying is not likely to change his demeanor or way of relating to others.

I realize that his anger and his wanting to be alone are not caused by us. But every time we visit, it is with a heavy heart. Our visits are short and not every day because neither of us wants to spend much time around someone who exudes so much anger.

I am including here the Prayer of St. Francis of Assisi which will be part of the memorial service and is also the Eleventh Step prayer that my sponsor and I said together. I hope that I can live these words.

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.

Where there is hatred, let me sow love;

where there is injury,pardon;

where there is doubt, faith;

where there is despair, hope;

where there is darkness, light;

and where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek

to be consoled as to console;

to be understood as to understand;

to be loved as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive;

it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;

and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life. Amen

Weekend update

2013-03-11T13:17:00.001-04:00

The weekend was quiet and filled with working on the boat, between reading and napping. I continue to update the boat with 90 feet of chain and 120 feet of rope anchor rode. These jobs keep me busy and give me a good work out physically.

The weather keeps flirting with spring. Azaleas are blooming, the yellow jessamine is hanging from the limbs of the oak trees, and the spring tulips are blooming. But the wind continues to push white caps on the harbor. I know people who have been trying to sail down the coast and make a crossing to the Bahamas. They remain in port waiting for the wind to be favorable.

My wife has been busy with the estate of her mother. The attorney is working on this as well. Because I want to help ease things for her, I put together the readings and the music for the funeral mass which will be held this Saturday. I believe that it will be something that Mom would have liked: Bach, Schubert, Franck, Beethoven; and the reading of the St. Francis prayer. A bouquet of spring flowers will be on the little table with a couple of photos. Because of lent, most likely green sprigs and ferns will be placed on either side of the altar. It's fitting that her caregivers will provide a eulogy. I have learned a lot about Catholic funeral mass in the last week.

Pop continues to have good days and bad ones. He fell yesterday trying to get from his chair to the bed. No injury, but a worry because he doesn't want to ask for help even though his legs no longer support him. His attitude remains depressed.

Both my wife and I are coping though. We have had moments of laugher and joy, and those are becoming more frequent. Time is a great healer and going to meetings has helped us enormously. I realize that I can practice the principles in my life and do the next right thing. It's my way out of feeling sad or having self-pity.

Finally, here are some photos from the weekend.

We had a wonderful Vietnamese dinner on Saturday.

A few ducks enjoying a swim.

Sailing school at the marina

Masts at sunset

Another beautiful sunset over the river

Guest Post: Effects of Alcoholism and Behavioral Problems with Teenagers

2013-03-06T09:20:00.004-05:00

Occasionally, I get offers for guest posts. I thought that this one would be helpful for those parents who might have a teenage child. Some of my questions in reading this are:
1. Alcoholism may also lead to use of drugs. What are the statistics on that?
2. How is the best way to educate young people about the dangers of drinking? 3. Recent research has shown that a single gene variation is connected to alcoholism. If alcoholism can be traced to a particular gene or combination of genes, then couldn't it be helpful in identifying youngsters at risk of becoming alcoholics and perhaps lead to early prevention efforts?

Many thanks to Adeline for writing the article. Please provide your comments and questions. Hopefully, Adeline will be able to provide her responses.

Effects of Alcoholism and Behavioral Problems with Teenagers

Alcohol addiction may be one of the problems that parents may experience with teens. If you are not aware of how alcohol affects your teen, you may be putting them in danger and at far greater risks than you can imagine. That’s why the first thing that you have to do as a parent is to know why your child may be suffering from alcoholism.

Reasons for Alcoholism
There can be many reasons why a teenager may result to alcohol abuse. Some concerned parents have asked whether alcoholism can be inherited. While genetics is not a determinant of alcohol abuse, it increases the risk for related behaviors. For example, a teen growing up in a household where another relative is an alcoholic is more likely to exhibit the same likeness for alcohol. Peer pressure can also be a factor for teenage drinking. Teens are concerned with fitting in with the crowd, so turning down a bottle of beer from a friend can have serious social side effects. At first this may not lead to alcohol abuse, but in the long term, it can definitely turn a social drinker into an alcoholic. Drinking large amounts of alcoholic beverages can also be an expression of independence. It makes teens feel that they are doing something that grownups can do freely. Whatever their reason may be, once teenagers get used to drinking too often (and too much), it can lead to alcoholism.

Behavior Problems Related to Alcoholism
It is no secret that being drunk blurs one’s perception and reasoning. Teens are more likely to do careless actions that may later put them in danger (or worse, in jail) because of drinking. Teenagers who drink more than they should at one time are more likely to display aggressive, hyperactive, attention-seeking, uncontrollable, and dangerous behavior in public. Stealing, fighting with weapons, vandalizing, practicing unsafe sex – these are just some behaviors that are common among teenagers who are under the influence of alcohol. They may even be more of a danger to others than to themselves, especially when they get behind the wheel of a car. Did you know that 28% of 15- to 20-year old teens have died in car crashes because of drunk driving? Clearly, alcohol abuse among teenagers is NOT normal, and it is NOT part of the growing up phase.

Aside from these dangerous and destructive acts, alcohol addiction in teenagers can also lead to psychological distress. The Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration also shows that 31% of alcoholic teenagers suffer from extreme levels of distress that can lead to depression and even suicide. As for those who have not yet hit rock bottom, the effects of too much drinking are evident in the classroom. A drinking problem can make a teenager inefficient in school, causing him or her to fall behind classes or eventually drop out. Too much alcohol consumption damages the brain and the nervous system, which could impede learning abilities.

If we do not do anything to educate teens on moderate drinking, we could be in for a total disaster.

About the Author
Adeline is a writer and stay-at-home parent from Winnipeg. She writes about students, teenagers, and touchy subjects such as alcohol addiction in teenagers for The Family Compass, and other online publications.

References
Casa Palmera: The Effects of Alcohol Abuse on Teens;
[http://casapalmera.com/the-effects-of-alcohol-abuse-on-teens/]

Alcohol Cost Calculator: Teens’ Alcohol Problems;
[http://www.alcoholcostcalculator.org/kids/teens/print-teens.php]

Project Know: Teen Problems with Alcoholism;
[http://www.projectknow.com/research/teen-problems-with-alcoholism/]

Today is good

2013-03-03T15:53:00.001-05:00

We went to the boat yesterday and spent the night. It was good to get out of the house and change our routine. We ate steamed oysters, homemade vegetable soup and had a good breakfast this morning.

Just for today neither of us talked about the dead or dying. It has felt like a near normal day. I did visit Pop and fed him some lunch, ice cream and a fruit cup. He ate with some enthusiasm, like a bird opening its mouth with each morsel coming near.

This coming week we will start the sad task of going through clothes and packing up Mom's personal items. Both my wife and I agree that we will take our time and not push ourselves. There is no immediacy really.

I heard from my cousin's wife that he is still in ICU with a ventilator and feeding tube. She said that he has a living will; but she is choosing to disregard it, convinced that he will become healed. I am sad that his wishes are ignored, and he basically is being kept alive until his brain is killed by the tumor. I suppose one has to make sure that the living will is ironclad and the person entrusted to carry it out will indeed do that. Once again, I have to let go of this situation.

Anyway, I hope that you are enjoying your Sunday. We have had a nice day.

Grief

2013-02-28T15:25:00.001-05:00

Today has been much less strenuous than yesterday. Death is one of those events that is still shocking, even when it is expected. The memories seem to pour forth of all the things that person has done, the conversations that have been had, the stories told, the happy times when there was laughter and celebration. And those memories which keep the spirit of the person alive, also remind me of the loss.

A lingering death is not pretty. My wife and I wished so much on Tuesday evening that euthanasia was allowed. If an animal of mine were in such a condition of wasting, surely I would have it put down. And yet, so much suffering happens every day among humans who simply linger on with a terminal illness. This isn't a political statement but one that I consider reflective of love and caring.

As the Higher Power would have it, our fervent wishes to ease Mom's sick and suffering were granted. Perhaps she knew that we were all there, telling her we loved her, assuring her that it was okay to rest now. And so that's what happened.

Her body was still warm. We put her sweater on her, covering up her nightgown that had the Sun, Moon and Stars on it. And her cat, who had been sleeping on the adjacent bed, came to sit on her abdomen, no doubt sensing death had come.

I talked to my first sponsor last night. He is on the other coast, but I was so grateful that he called. Only a few people have called. We have received a few emails. And the blogger community has been kind and caring with comments.

In the days when I was a child, it was de rigueur to visit the home of the bereaved and drop off something like a casserole, pie, or a flower. I told my sponsor through tears that I didn't want casseroles or cakes or any kind of food, but I longed for the human touch. I wanted that for my wife. I wanted her fellowship to surround her. Just to have a friendly face show up and sit for a while would have been wonderful. No one has come. Not a single AA or Al-Anon has asked to come by. I don't understand this as we have entertained so many at this house. Perhaps this is just the new order of things in which people are busy with their lives and their own problems. I am working at letting this go, but it is gnawing at me because isolation leads to more sadness.

So this afternoon, I am leaving to visit Pop. He is being visited by the priest today. He took the news with sadness yesterday but seemed to be accepting. I know that it won't be long for him though. Hospice called this morning to say that he is declining, and so morphine and Ativan are being prescribed. I hope that he will still want to go out for a milk shake, but reality is that his body is also worn out.

We are both grateful for your thoughts and kindness. All will be okay. Our lives will get back to some kind of rhythm again. Death is a part of the rhythm. Here is a poem that an Al-Anon friend sent:

For Grief

When you lose someone you love,

Your life becomes strange,

The ground beneath you gets fragile,

Your thoughts make your eyes unsure:

And some dead echo drags your voice down

Where words have no confidence.

Your heart has grown heavy with loss;

And thought this loss has wounded others too,

No one knows what has been taken from you

When the silence of absence deepens.

Flickers of guilt kindle regret

For all that was left unsaid or undone.

There are days when you wake up happy;

Again inside the fullness of life,

Until the moment breaks

And you are thrown back

Onto the black tide of loss.

Days when you have your heart back,

You are able to function well

Until in the middle of work or encounter,

Suddenly with no warning,

You are ambushed by grief.

It becomes hard to trust yourself.

All you can depend on now is that

Sorrow will remain faithful to itself,

More than you, it knows its way

And will find the right time

To pull and pull the rope of grief

Until that coiled hill of tears

Has reduced to its last drop.

Gradually, you will learn acquaintance

With the invisible form of your departed;

And when the work of grief is done,

The wound of loss will heal

And you will have learned

To wean your eyes

From that gap in the air

And be able to enter the hearth

In your soul where your loved one

Has awaited your return

All the time.

~ John O’ Donohue

She is gone

2013-02-27T10:10:00.001-05:00

Mom died early this morning. We were with her last night. My wife spent Monday night with her in the adjacent bed.

Dementia is a horrible disease. We are both glad that her energy is not trapped in a wasted body.

Now we are heading to tell Pop. This is not easy. Thankfully, Hospice will be with us. Thanks for your thoughts over the past week.

I took this photo of her and her daughter's hands yesterday.

The illusion and the journey

2013-02-23T05:42:00.000-05:00

I received a call last evening that my first cousin, who has been struggling with the worst type of brain tumor for six years, is unresponsive and not expected to live through the weekend. Evidently the glioblastoma is causing severe edema on the brain. He has outlived the statistics for this deadly tumor by several years.

He and I grew up together in Virginia, living next door and sharing many adventures. He is three years older than I so he was the one who I followed as a child to learn about the woods and making forts. We remained close over the years, and he is my closest living relative.

His wife has cared for him since diagnosis. She has eschewed the prognosis of doctors and embraced spiritual healing for both of them. In the beginning when she would tell me about the crystals, the invasion of his body by his deceased mother who had many issues of her own, and how the healers were working to rid his body of his mother's tentacles, I thought that she needed the padded room. But as I listened to her, I respected that she had every right to believe what she did. Who was I to tell her what to believe or judge her for those beliefs?

Last night, she told me that he will have a shamanic death in which he will decide to die and not return, or will die and come back healed. She spoke of the illusion that she had of his getting well. Now she has let go of the illusion but keeps her belief that he has to have his journey. She was calm and accepting. I listened and asked a few questions to determine whether he was responsive or not. She doesn't want any family to be there. I would like to tell him good bye but will do that from afar.

I know that he has received so much love from her. She has sacrificed herself to give him strength, trying to love him well. I hope that the transition comes soon and that she is able to have a life for herself without him.

I cured with the power that came through me. Of course, it was not I who cured, it was the power from the Outer World, the visions and the ceremonies had only made me like a hole through which the power could come to the two-leggeds. If I thought that I was doing it myself, the hole would close up and no power could come through. Then everything I could do would be foolish. ~Black Elk - Oglala Sioux

Sick and suffering

2013-02-17T10:08:00.000-05:00

I finished up radar on Wednesday, taking exams in the afternoon. I was relieved to receive a great score, one that I feel I don't deserve. I was in class with fellows who work full time in the maritime industry and who have spent years at sea. I was called the "blow boat" captain in class, and also called Dr. Syd. And yes, the instructor was making fun of me. It's okay though. I used the tools of the program to not take it personally, focus on first things first, and get it done.

The lack of deserving comes from the familiar Impostor Syndrome in which I think that I don't deserve the success I've achieved. I think that it comes from the effects of alcoholism, which tells me that my success has come from deceiving others into thinking I am more intelligent and competent than I really am. I fight those thoughts of being an impostor whenever something good happens that brings attention to me in a setting where achievements are noted.

Fast forward to the Al-Anon convention where I had a good few days of speakers and workshops. I know that I was still stuck in "freak out" stress from the testing mode when I arrived. I felt manic which is not common for me. But I was glad to shake off the test stress and shift gears into a more calming place in my head and heart.

A lot of pain and healing was evident in the workshops. People shared about feelings and healing after the loss of loved ones from drugs and alcohol. Powerful stuff. I enjoyed hearing the AA speaker who was engaging, funny and had a great message of recovery. The Alateen speaker was really good, having so much enlightenment for a 17 year old. What a great benefit that program is to young people. I tell a 19 year old that I sponsor how fortunate it is that he is learning about himself at such a young age.

Today, I am processing news of a friend who has suffered a devastating loss from the disease. I know the disease wants to kill those who embrace it. If you will, please say a prayer for those who are sick and suffering. I am hoping that they find their way.

You will lose someone you can’t live without,and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of your beloved. But this is also the good news. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn’t seal back up. And you come through. It’s like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly—that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp.― Anne Lamott

Crammed week

2013-02-11T06:49:00.000-05:00

This is a brief post to let you know that I am currently in radar class at Sea School until Wednesday. It is new to me, and the plots are a challenge. For the first time, I feel like quitting because I am tired. But I know that I will stick it out. Whether I do well or not is okay. I don't want to start quitting something now after so many years of not doing that.

I also leave for an Al-Anon convention on Thursday. I can't even think about that now because I am occupied with the radar class. I will think more about what I have committed to do at the convention on Thursday.

And finally, there is now talk among the doctors and nurses at the nursing home to have Pop be part of the Hospice program. He has declined a lot since visiting my MIL. The head nurse thinks that he has given up. The staff were taking him to meals with the other residents because he needed help feeding himself. They took him for a few days until he went into a rage and raked the dishes to the floor and pulled the tablecloth from the table. He was then taken back to his room. Since then, he hasn't been very responsive.

My wife and I are doing well, coping with all of this. I will be glad to have a less crammed time and less drama. I think that the Al-Anon convention will be a big help with that. Now to just get through another day of school......

Maintaining

2013-02-03T08:48:00.001-05:00

First, thank you for your caring comments. The blogging community is really great. It helped to be able to share feelings here and get feedback from you.

Mom goes in and out of being awake. She woke up on Thursday which was when I brought Pop to visit. He was angry at first, probably because he saw that the caregivers were still there and the bedroom had been rearranged to accommodate a small hospital bed.

His anger changed to sadness though when he saw Mom. He held her hand and tried to talk to her. I don't think she knew him because she didn't look at him. He told me he was sad. He also said that there was nothing he could do. I thought about the shock he must have felt to see the house again, his cat, and his wife in her current condition. After about an hour, I took him back to the nursing home. He didn't say a word on that drive.

I took him a milk shake and ice cream yesterday. I pushed his chair to the ice cream social where there was music and a singer. I watched a man who probably had a stoke doing his best to clap and move his arms to the music. Pop just sat, looking down at his lap. The bravado is gone, replaced with defeat. I hate to leave him, but he has made it impossible to bring him home. So much anger, fear and resentment has poisoned how he sees others and that has affected how they see him.

For now, we are all maintaining. The Hospice nurse comes every day. The cat, Pandora, sleeps on the hospital bed. I have taken photos that are too raw and personal to share here. I like what Annie Leibovitz said about her photography of partner Susan Sontag before and after death:
“You don’t get the opportunity to do this kind of intimate work except with the people you love, the people who will put up with you".

Last rites

2013-01-30T22:07:00.000-05:00

My mother-in-law was given last rites today by a wonderful Latino priest. He was smiling and comforting to all of us. He even sang a little song at the end which was...well...sweet.

Mom has been in another world all day, just sleeping and not opening her eyes. My wife thought that it was best to have the priest come because it doesn't appear that she will last much longer. She is no longer eating or drinking. The Hospice nurse is giving her a bag of IV fluids to keep her hydrated. Other than that, her life is taking its course towards death.

I was doing okay with her dying earlier when I went to see her. She was in her nightgown, covered by a pretty purple comforter. I talked to her and told her that I loved her. And that it was okay to let go now. She doesn't move so the caregivers keep turning her to prevent sores.

I went to the grocery store and had to leave. Night was coming on and the long shadows of the afternoon were just too sad. So I only got part of the groceries and left the store. I will finish the shopping tomorrow. I simply couldn't be in the store another moment because I felt overcome with sadness. I thought that I was prepared, but I suppose I am not fully ready to let her go yet. I will come to grips on it but in the mean time, I simply have to feel the sadness.

Tomorrow, we will bring Pop over to see her. We both are hoping this is the right thing to do. But after so many years of marriage, it just seemed that it would not be good for him to not see her again. I simply don't know. These are things that I didn't learn with my parents' dying. There isn't a right or wrong way. But we are feeling our way through this as best we can. Perhaps the priest will come back tomorrow and give some comfort to Pop. I simply don't know.

A great week

2013-01-26T23:24:00.001-05:00

We had a great week of vacation. And the last couple of days at the AA/Al-Anon conference were good. I am probably prejudiced but thought that the Al-Anon speaker was inspiring.

One of the things that she mentioned was how prevalent denial is in a home with alcoholism. Saying everything is "Fine" is status quo. The truth won't be revealed because putting up a front to the outside world is so important.

When I started this blog, I used the title of "I'm Just F.I.N.E" because that's what I would always say if someone asked me how I was. I certainly didn't want anyone to know what I was really feeling! I would change the meaning of that acronym today from "f__ked, insecure, neurotic and emotional" to something a lot more positive. Maybe something like "free, involved, nice and energetic" seems more accurate now.

I certainly don't feel that the weight of the world is on my shoulders. I no longer believe that I am responsible for the happiness of others. And I don't feel alone with my problems being foremost in my head.

Having a solution to what seemed like insurmountable unhappiness is an incredible thing. I am lucky in so many ways to still have dreams that I want to fulfill, rather than grieving those that were unavailable and unrealistic.

Yes, it has been a good week. I sometimes forget how things used to be. But as a measure of how far we have come, I can tell you it is miraculous.