But while I was in Sevilla, I got to witness the insanely out-of-time-and-place experience of a bullfight.  I knew next to nothing about bullfighting going in, except that the bull gets killed at the end.  Some observations:

-Bullfighting is *expensive*!  I went on a night featuring ‘up-and-coming’ bullfighters, which means that tickets were discount-priced, which means I got the cheapest seat in the house for…22 EUROS!  Well, stick a sword in me until I collapse on the ground, then finish me with a knife to the skull and drag me off with a team of horses!

-I’m not sure I’d ever seen anything that large die with my own eyes before (unless you count the 2009 New York Mets), which is the main reason I went–to gawk.  I expected to see a bunch of old men there, drinking and smoking, and maybe a bunch of younger guys because there was no league soccer that weekend — Spain was in Armenia playing a World Cup qualifying match.  Instead I saw plenty of couples, families, small kids, all behaving extremely well.  And no one was drinking!  Maybe they spent their beer money on their tickets, but come on!  It’s hot out, you’re at a sporting event and you’re watching *stabbing*.  Get a buzz going!

-I did also know that bulls aren’t actually excited by the color red, which makes sense.  If they were put off by bright colors, surely the Liberace-meets-Evel-Knievel outfits those bullfighters wear would’ve driven the bulls into a Donald Brashearian bloodbath.

-Bullfighting is, uh, not a fight, at all and actually extremely boring.  Within two minutes of entering the ring, the bull is tranquilized!  That’s it.   Then they drag out the actual ‘fight’ for another 15-20 minutes.  Yet somehow, as bad as the bull has it, right before he gets tranquilized and stabbed for the first time he still gets a chance to gore the shit out of an unsuspecting horse, who is sitting in the corner of the arena with blinders on, ridden by the guy who’s looking to get the fix in.   That’s fucking ridiculous!  What do horses have to go through before they lose a little gullibility?  One day the horses are going to rise up and the beat the shit out of us; it won’t be pretty.

But back to the boringness.  There is an extremely precise order of events that took place in every single match.  There are only two moments of extreme drama in every fight, which lasts about 20 minutes:  the first time the bull charges the man on horseback and plows into the horse while his rider, and when the sword goes into the bull’s back and he eventually drops to the ground, where he is put out of his abject misery.  The first moment is like a big hit from a safety on an unsuspecting receiver in football.  The second moment is like Fredo getting shot at the end of Godfather II, it just leaves you sick, and mildly fascinated that this is all happening as entertainment.

——————————————————-

Speaking of entertainment, IKH had a visitor today!  A blogger by the name of Josh Dhani, who lists his age as 12-13 (he writes in his bio  “I may be 13 years old, heck, you never know: I may be 12”; [well, why don’t you learn to count? Ritard), linked to an old salty post from Hernandez in a rambling, unintelligible post about H1N1 and sports, I think.  He starts it off with a profanity-laden skit about a guy who gets swine flu from fucking a pig (OOGA OOGA), carefully censoring all his profanity.

Then, apropos of nothing, he reveals this was entirely inspired by me and Hernandez:

Okay, I know that conversation that just happened up there had nothing to do with what I am trying to say right now, you do know that, right? Yeah, I really hope so. I mean, I wouldn’t  really post that kind of stuff on the Internet. At least I put those * symbols. That’s good, right?

Unlike this article right here. I mean, they show the real damn thing! And their blog is so freaking messed up, I mean God what come down here and strike him down. He’s dead. He gone. He done. Done for good. Done for all eternity. Yep.

Whoa. Whoa right there, you little shit.

(Aside:  Before I proceed, let me say that one of the criticisms logged against those of us who write inflammatory shit on the internet that we’re cowards who can hide behind our anonymity.  Well since this kid is “maybe” 13, I can’t go down to his house and beat the crap out of him, so giving him the skewering I’m about to serve up…isn’t it really the heroic path in this instance?)

So Joshy–you find the Internet to be no place for foul-mouthed filth.  Fair enough.  But you wished death on me and my compadre, so prepare to feel some foul-mouthed wrath, you little fucking shit.

(1)  First, let’s start off with a writing lesson, you bleedy cunt.  Your story is purportedly about LeBron James and H1N1, but you mention this in your *40th* paragraph.  This is the awful, awful practice known as “burying the lede”, when you put the point of your stupid childish shit so far down in your story that no one knows what you’re talking about.  Only in this case, you buried the lede, dug it up, skullfucked it, and buried it again.

(2)  If you haven’t hit puberty yet, I take back the line about the skullfucking.  But now would be a great time to go down to your local inkshop, get ‘Necrophilia means never having to say you’re sorry” tattooed across your chest, and showing your grandma.

(3)  You’re exceptionally stupid for a 13-year old, who hasn’t yet been sucked into the brain-cell-killing exercises of drug & alcohol abuse, 40+ no-future years of a dead-end job & anxiety-related insomnia.  (Not to mention erectile dysfunction, in-laws, and debt (if you’re lucky, in this country, you will die owing money.)  So why do you say completely false things like “I live in the great state of Indiana and everyone has H1N1, which is swine.”

First of all, H1N1 does not come solely from pigs–it also comes from birds and humans.  Idiot!  But more importantly, Indiana is not a great state. Why?  Well, first because no Presidents come from there.  (Ohio, next door to you, has *seven*.  Do some fucking research.)  Also, Jim Jones was born in Indiana. Look him up on Wikipedia, or try searching “Jonestown Massacre.”

The most famous person from Indiana is probably Michael Jackson.  And he was murdered.  And not even because he molested children.  I mean, what’s up with that?

(4)  You shouldn’t wish death upon anyone.  If you really hate someone, chronic pain is much worse, and leaves many begging for death, which has spurred great debate over physician-assisted suicide.

(5)  When you are 47 years old, you would consider paying money to fuck a pig.  It’ll mean missing the next child-support payment, but you’ll consider it for the better part of a night.  That’s what the next 34 years are going to do to you.

On to my picks!

Giants (+2.5) over SAINTS

A pick from the heart.  The Saints are at home off a bye week, blitz like crazy, and Eli’s mobility is in question.  But it’s the New York Giants!  I was in Spain last week, and I didn’t get to see them.  It’s early enough in the season that the outcome of this game doesn’t truly matter–NFC bragging rights don’t mean much in mid-October.  But how often do you get to see two teams who are stellar on both sides of the ball?  Every possession will count in this one.

JETS (-9.5) over Bills

I trust Rex Ryan will have the Jets primed for this one.  The Bills are not a good team.

TEXANS (+5) over Bengals

The Bengals are definitely a story so far this year, with their thrilling last-minute wins against Pittsburgh and Baltimore.  And they could be 5-0 without that crazy Brandon Stokley catch to end Game 1.  They could win this one by a touchdown, and if they did, they’re to be seriously talked about.  Go on, Cincy.  I dare ya.  I don’t think you’re gonna make it.

PACKERS (-13.5) over Lions

The Pack just got humiliated by the Vikings.  They’ve got to be pissed.  When sports fans get pissed, they punch walls.  When the Packers get pissed, they punch the Lions.

STEELERS (-14.5) over Browns

I don’t really like this pick.  I don’t really like these teams, to be honest.  But the Steelers have got to show some life this week.  They’re not designed to blow out teams, but I think they need to this week.

Chiefs (+6.5) over REDSKINS

Anyone who follows football has probably heard the statistic for the first 6 weeks of this NFL season, the Redskins have yet to face a team who has won a game.   That’s too easy!  There’s no question they should be 4-1 and making noise in the NFC East.  But they’re not.  I picture Jim Zorn on the sideline calling plays through his fat-fish lips and his fish-fat brain, and thinking the Redskins will be psyched if they can win by a FG.

BUCS (+3.5) over Panthers

It was 87 degrees and Sunny on my last day in Spain, and it was mid-October.  I couldn’t be bothered to worry about what two shitty football teams are doing on Sunday.  Now that I’m back to 50 degree New York, I still don’t care.

JAGS (-9.5) over Rams

Last week the Jags lost 41-0, and they are 10 point favorites over the Rams.  I expect them to win by 30.  I’ll be honest…I still can’t tell the Jaguars from the Panthers.

Ravens (+3) over VIKINGS

No way this pick is right.  Baltimore is slipping, and probably not the team I thought they were.  But I badly, badly want a Ravens victory here.   If they win, I’ll buy my adorable nephew in Baltimore a Ravens jersey.

Eagles (-14.5) over RAIDERS

You know how great it feels to go to work for a week when your boss is on vacation? You get in late every day, leave early every day, dress down every day, get more work done, but feel like you got a vacation in the office?  Such a great feeling.  This is like the class field trip to the amusement park.  This is what the Eagles must feel like this week.

If I were coaching the Eagles, I’d give the starters $1,000 each in strip club spending money and promise them another $1,000 if they can make it to the game in time to suit up for the second quarter.

SEAHAWKS (-3) over Cardinals

Kurt Warner is going to get injured in this one.  I can feel it.

PATRIOTS (-9.5) over Titans

Poor Titans.  Absolute nightmare of a start to the season for them, and now they have to go face a pissed-off Tom Brady.  Sorry, kids.

Bears (+3.5) vs. FALCONS

I find this to be the most intriguing game this week.  Not because these teams are top-caliber; this one won’t be as entertaining as Saints/Giants or Vikings/Ravens.  But we have two teams with talented but unproven quarterbacks, extremely talented running backs, and questionable defenses who are both making a solid case for a playoff spot.  Both teams have a chance to make a statement here.

CHARGERS (-3.5) vs. Broncos

I realize this is the third time I’m doing this — I’m picking against the team I think will win because I’m not convinced they have what it takes to pull it off.  The Chargers are mediocre at best, and the Broncos have surprised just about everyone with their 5-0 record.  I’d enjoy seeing Denver win this one, but they may be due for a bitchslap.

Saints RB Reggie Bush, playing "The Saints", and whore-about-town (and by town I mean 'cock') Kim Kardashian, playing "The Jets" present a visual metaphor for these teams' Week 4 contest.

Two hours to Sunday gametime?  What?  As I foggily wipe my drool away, I must postpone the mammoth post I had planned for this week and get to my picks.

But first let’s take a realllllly close look at the score after week 3.  I pulled off an *amazing* week of picks, going 15 and 1, and I missed the Monday night game.  I was this close to having a perfect week.  A coworker said that if I had bet $20 on a 12-team teaser (all teams must win), his bookie offers, he wasn’t sure if I would’ve been rich or killed.

Hernandez, meanwhile, with his belief that Dolphins can play football, went a paltry 7-9.  For shame!  Losing to the soccer fan!  Stop watching preseason hockey and the Disney Channel and start paying attention.

I’m now up 34-14 to 23-25.  Good start, me.

Lions at Bears (-10)

The Lions finally broke their winless streak last week against the Redskins, and several ugly overweight men from Detroit probably got laid without having to spend as much.  But it’s a new Sunday, and time for a new losing streak.

Pick:  Bears

——————————————————————————

Bengals (-6) at Browns

Cleveland is slowly learning what New York knows:  (1)  Cleveland is a *terrible* place to live, and (2) hiring Eric Mangini as their head coach was a *terrible* idea.

Pick:  Bengals

————————————

Raiders at Texans (9)

I can’t figure this Raiders team out, because I never watch them, because they’re terrible.  I’d have to watch them to figure out how terrible, which would be like running out of beer at a party, then checking 70-80 unclaimed cans for a warm ounce of undrunk Keystone light mixed with roofie saliva.

Pick:  Raiders

———————————

Seahawks at Colts (10.5)

I think this line is too high.  The Colts will probably win 11-0 or 13-2 to prove me wrong.

Pick:  Seahawks

———————————————-

Titans (3) at Jaguars

What’s going on in Tennessee?  The Titans, after losing a heartbreaker on the opening day of the season to Pittsburgh looked sharp, but have lost their next two.  It turns out that the Super Bowl champ Steelers who we thought were tough in that opening day battle aren’t that good themselves, as *they’ve* dropped their next 2.

Tennessee had the best record in the league last year.  That doesn’t mean much, but going 0-4?  Come on.   Meanwhile, Jacksonville will continue to prove that ‘best NFL team in Florida’ means jack shit.

Pick:  Titans

————————————–

Giants (9) at Chiefs

Like I told Hernandez last night at Springsteen, this game had better be boring, with the Giants winning comfortably.  Standing on the field at Giants Stadium last night was pretty awe-inspiring:  now I know how Eli Manning feels when he steps back to pass, and spills beer all over a drunken Cougar at a Springsteen show.

Pick:  Giants

—————————————–

Ravens at Patriots (1.5)

The Ravens have so far played like the team to beat in the AFC.  I like the Ravens taking the Pats down at home in this New England autumn contest.  Speaking of which:

(In the most recent post on this blog, Hernandez posted a picture of New England’s autumn at its most Vasoline-y.   What no one but me realizes is that it’s actually a photorealist painting done by none other than Hernandez himself.  He talks tough, but he’s got a sensitive side–what his wife likes to call his ‘Ponyboy’ side.  Stay gold, Hernandez.)

Pick:  Ravens

————————————

Buccaneers at Redskins (7.5)

How bad is Tampa Bay?  Their rookie head coach has less than one year of qualified experience.  Right before the season began, they fired their offensive coordinator.  And in Week 3, they benched their starting quarterback.  They have *no* fucking idea which ass end is up.

The Redskins just lost to the Lions, for cupcakes sake, and they’re still favored by 7.5.   They only scored 9 in Week 2!  I still say they stomp. <shudder>

Pick:  Redskins

——————————————

Bills (1.5) at Dolphins

Once again, Dolphins QB Chad Pennington is doing what he does best to give his team a chance to win — he’s sitting on the bench with a herniated vagina.  I don’t think the Dolphins are that great either, but then the Bills can always be counted on for a half-d0zen monkeycrap games during a season.

Pick:  Dolphins

——————————————

Saints (7) vs. Jets

See the picture above.  You have the best quarterback Drew Brees going against a little spic of a Jet in rookie Mark Sanchez.  Does anyone know if he’s Mexican?  Because that would work really well with me drawing a parallel between him running 3-4 yards past the line of scrimmage to complete a pass last week only to have it called back, and the time his family tried to sneak into the USA only to get thrown back into Mexico.

Have fun out there today, rook.

Pick:  Saints

——————————————-

Alright, it’s 1’o clock:  Last 4 picks:

Broncos (+3) at home vs. the hated Cowboys with their top 2 Running backs on the bench and Qb Tony Romo (anagram:  Moron Toy) still struggling to find success.

Niners (9.5) vs Rams.  Does it matter against the Rams that the 49ers talented RB Frank Gore is out?  Of course not.

Chargers (+6.5) at the Steelers.  No idea who will win this one, but I think it should be close.

Packers (+3.5) at the Vikings.  Here’s a fun drinking game to play to this one.

(1)  Take a cooler, chair and TV up to the roof.

(2)  Anytime someone mentions Brett Favre when he’s not actually involved in the action, shoot  a stranger on the street with a sniper rifle.

(3)  Drink slowly and consistently throughout.  Binge drinking will not help your aim.

Keith, Mex and I still haven’t ramped up the posting schedule as much as we’d like, so these NFL picks posts will have to suffice for now. And even though I know you’re all dying for more content, we’re busy men, so bear with us as we get back into the swing of things. Soon the leaves will turn, the weather will dampen, and we will be snug in our humble abodes with nothing to do except watch sports, drink beer and piss all over your favorite teams and players. Yay autumn!

To recap last week’s action, Keith nipped me 11-5 to 10-6. Through two weeks he leads overall 19-13 to my shitty 16-16. It’s a long season, and I know it will ebb and flow, but I need to go on a run so I don’t lose all credibility as Someone Who Knows Something About Football. I’m hopeful it begins right now, following the giddy, quirky first two weeks when anything can and usually does happen. Now that the novelty is wearing off and the chicks are beginning to stop tuning in, the good teams will separate themselves from the bad. Or so I hope.

Normally I’d sex you up with a long, sensual picks post packed with foreplay, dirty talk, peaks, valleys, and an explosive climax. But my time is limited, so you will have to settle for an old fashioned nipple tweak and too-fast pounding before I blow my load and pass out. It’s better than nothing.

———————–

Browns at Ravens (13.5)

Here’s a tip for down the road: Baltimore looks good on offense, but that defense is a tiny bit suspect. Remember this later. Fortunately it won’t hurt them this week against the team I firmly believe is the worst in the league. (And I hope to fuck the little birdie in my head that keeps telling me, “This line is too high!” is wrong.)

Pick: Ravens

———————–

Packers (7) at Rams

The Packers are overrated, and the Rams are going to be tough to play as the year goes on. See that dead horse? Yeah, I’m beating it. Story of my life.

Pick: Rams

———————–

Giants (7) at Buccaneers

A John McEnroe Special if there ever was one: “You cannot be serious!”

Pick: Giants

———————–

Chiefs at Eagles (8)

We should all be thankful I don’t have the time to explain exactly how much I love the Chiefs to cover this one.

Pick: Chiefs

Obligatory Michael Vick Comment: I hate Michael Vick as a quarterback, the Eagles as a team and Philadelphia as a city more than most of you will ever know. Still, this outrage over the dog fighting is so out of proportion I’m actually rooting for Vick to play well just to piss off the animal rights nutjobs. Most of these delusional jackasses deserve their own rape stands.

———————–

Redskins (6.5) at Lions

I’m rolling with Detroit Rock City until they break their streak. It’s gonna’ happen folks.

Pick: Lions

———————–

Saints (6) at Bills

Toughest pick of the week? For me, yes.

Pick: Bills

———————–

Falcons at Patriots (4)

Brady has been terrible for 7 of the 8 quarters he’s played so far, and the team is still only one TD away from being 2-0. Once he gets comfortable all of this early season panic will seem silly.

Pick: Patriots

———————–

Titans at Jets (2.5)

Same old Jets, only now with extra annoyance!

Pick: Titans

———————–

49ers at Vikings (7)

No respect.

Pick: 49ers

———————–

Jaguars at Texans (3.5)

I don’t give a hoot about either of these two teams, and neither do the people of Jacksonville and Houston.

Pick: Texans

———————–

Bears (2) at Seahawks

Cuntler trumps Parsley Sage Rosenfelds and Thyme.

Pick: Bears

———————–

Steelers (4) at Bengals

The Bengals are coming for your women.

Pick: Bengals

———————–

Broncos (1.5) at Raiders

Two allegedly shitty teams playing surprisingly well to start the season, plus they’re bitter divisional rivals, and somehow the road team is favored? I don’t get it.

Pick: Raiders

———————–

Dolphins at Chargers (6)

Dolphins should have won last week. And I may be the only football fan left who still thinks they have a shot to be good.

Pick: Dolphins

———————–

Colts at Cardinals (1.5)

Lucky fucks get taught a lesson.

Pick: Cardinals

———————–

Panthers at Cowboys (9)

Pick me another winner Jerry!

Pick: Panthers

———————–

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz

I loved Keith’s strip club post, but was a little disappointed he didn’t provide any raunchy photos to illustrate it. If there was ever a time to post T&A on IKH, this was it. It increases traffic to our site tenfold AND it makes my dick hard, which is a win-win for…well, me. A missed opportunity, but I’ll let it slide because The Creamy Otter is genius.

I’ve never been a strip joint guy myself. I’ve only ever been a handful of times, and it’s always unfulfilling. The whole dynamic seems cruel, and I mean to me, not the strippers. Something about not being able to fuck these women really sticks in my craw. Anyway, the only mildly interesting anecdote I have about a strip club is the first time I ever visited one. I was a sophomore in college just starting his first internship at a local television news station in Boston. The station sucked, but the internship was amazing because I basically worked as a reporter, going out with a cameraman to do interviews for our nightly news.

On one of my first days we got word of a triple murder/suicide somewhere north of the city and went to check it out. A guy had walked in on his girl doing some other dude, and he killed both of them and then himself. After asking around we were told off the record – gotta love the police – that the dead chick had been a stripper at a place in Rhode Island, the Mecca of strip clubs in the Northeast. (I realize that’s a little like saying Olive Garden is the Mecca of Italian restaurants in Cedar Rapids, but you get the drift.)

You know what comes next: we decide to go to the strip club to try to get some reaction from the victims co-workers. I walked into The Satin Doll trying as hard as I could not to act like a 19-year-old who had never been inside such a place. Didn’t happen. I managed to get a few questions in with the manager and the bartender, but the rest of the time was spent staring, mouth open, at the naked titties. I wanted so badly to be the hardened detective, like Gene Hackman in The French Connection. Instead I was more like Gene the Stock Boy at French Connection. On the plus side, I WAS pretty hardened.

So where does that leave us in terms of Week 2 of the NFL season? I have no fucking clue. Transitions are overrated anyway, and we’ve got a season to talk about.

Congrats to Keith for besting me to start the year. To answer his question, I believe he led for a week or two mid-season after I cooled off from a hot start. But I nipped him in the end, proving the old cliche that a football season is a marathon, not a sprint. Which is really good to know because there’s no way I can run a sprint with all this beer and Mexican food in me.

Before I start my picks, can I just say that this was one of the best first weekends of football ever? I predicted an amazing season in my Week 1 picks post, and holy christ did we get off to a good start! Titans/Steelers, Pats/Bills, Chargers/Raiders, Packers/Bears and Giants/Redskins were all entertaining as hell, and those are just the games I actually watched. Not many teams roll over and die in this league. Which brings me to my first pick…

—————————–

Texans at Titans (6.5)

The Texans rolled over and died at home against the Jets this past weekend. The fucking Jets!!! That’s pathetic.  This is how you kick off the campaign that is finally going to make you relevant as a franchise? Nice try pussies. As you’ll see below, I’m not about to overreact to Week 1 results, but this one was damning. I haven’t exactly been on the Texans bandwagon anyway, but if I had been, I’d have broken a fibula or two jumping off by now.

Pick: Titans

—————————–

Lions at Vikings (9.5)

Matt Stafford has a gun, Detroit has some semblance of a gameplan, and it’s a divisional game, which are usually closer than expected. I’m going out on a limb here and saying that the Lions are not only covering, they’re winning outright. Crazy? Sure. But this losing streak has to end somewhere.

(Just to be clear: For the purposes of IKH’s scoring, the pick is against the spread only. If Detroit covers in a loss I don’t want to hear that I missed the pick because I said they’d win. If you have objections tell someone who gives a shit.)

Pick: Lions

—————————–

Bengals at Packers (9.5)

I still think Cincy’s defense is good, and they have the QB and receivers to make plays on offense. They just didn’t make any last week. I’m still on them as a solid team, and I think they’ll at least cover against the Pack, who confirmed my suspicions that they’re being overhyped by the media. Their passing game is really good, but their running and offensive line play are pretty bad.

Pick: Bengals

—————————–

Raiders at Chiefs (3)

I have no real opinion on this one, so I’ll go with a safe pick of the home team covering. Can’t go wrong with that usually. Both of these teams looked decent in Week 1 and could be on the mild upswing.

Pick: Chiefs

—————————–

Saints at Eagles (Pick Em)

Don’t mind if I do!

Pick: Saints

—————————–

Rams at Redskins (10)

Spags HAS to be better than this. I can feel it. Remember, his first  year as Giants defensive coordinator they gave up 85 points in the first two games, then went on to win the Super Bowl that same season. That won’t happen with St. Louis because they don’t have the talent the Giants did, but he’ll eventually figure out what works. Hopefully enough this week that they can at least cover against a team that can’t make explosive plays on offense because of their play-it-safe coach and their awful QB. I was at Giants/Redskins last week, and I can tell you firsthand that Jason Campbell looks even worse in person than he does on TV. He has zero pocket awareness. Sure, the Giants have an amazing pass rush, but even when they didn’t come close to him he was getting happy feet and checking down to his 4th option. Please, Redskins fans, tell me one more time that we have to cut this guy some slack because his offensive coordinator changes every year? The common denominator is Campbell.

Pick: Rams

—————————–

Patriots (4) at Jets

Bad matchup my ass. Brady torches the overconfident Jets, riding a wave of confidence from the miracle comeback and the fact that he’s absolutely owned the Jets, along with a burning desire to quell the shittalking from Kerry Rhodes and Rex “Fat Fuck” Ryan. New England has issues on D, but New York won’t be able to capitalize. I can’t wait for this one.

Pick: Patriots

—————————–

Buccaneers at Bills (5)

Yawn. Derrick Ward is about the only thing I like about either of these two teams.

Pick: Bills

—————————–

Cardinals at Jaguars (3.5)

I feel weird picking Arizona because I believe Jacksonville might be half-decent (I said half) and the Cardinals never play well on the East Coast. But my gut tells me Fitzgerald and Boldin will make a few big plays in this one. Or maybe it’s just the homemade fajitas and Modelo Especial talking. Out of my fiery anus.

Pick: Cardinals

—————————–

Seahawks at 49ers (1.5)

This one is a mortal lock. I don’t care that Seattle won 28-0 in Week 1 – they’re still soft. San Francisco is a tough, no nonsense team. I made them my sleeper this year, and a road win against the defending NFC champs last week didn’t hurt my cause. Although actually picking against them in that game did. Fuck me!

Pick: 49ers

—————————–

Steelers (3) at Bears

Steelers were lucky as all hell to get out of Week 1 with a win. It seems like I say that every week, doesn’t it? Keith is absolutely right about how dumb they play, btw. It amazes me they pull out as many victories as they do. The dominant defense masks the fact that their offense is wildly inconsistent. The most logical explanation is that Coach Omar Epps has made a pact with the devil. Still, I’ll take them over the massively overrated Bears. Cuntler throws three more picks and this is a laugher by the lake.

Pick: Steelers

—————————–

Ravens at Chargers (3.5)

The fake LT is out with another phantom injury, which means Haloti Ngata will literally eat Darren Sproles alive and shit him out all over the field at the conclusion of the game.

Pick: Ravens

—————————–

Browns at Broncos (3.5)

I’m actually leaning towards Cleveland being the worst team in the league this year. A lack of talent + players absolutely quitting on Coach Mangenius = 3-13.

Pick: Broncos

—————————–

Colts (3) at Dolphins

Glad to see Keith and I agree the Colts are done as a serious contender. Now here’s where my rep is on the line, and I don’t feel so good putting it in the hands of noodle arm Chad Pennington. I stand behind my belief that the Dolphins will be good this year. Not 11-5, division-winning good like last year, but still a solid 9-7  or 10-6 team. Their bad performance in Atlanta hasn’t changed anything in my eyes. As bad as it was, they still completely shut down Atlanta’s vaunted running game. Miami is strong along both lines, and that’s why I feel they’ll be competitive again this year. The problem is QB. Pennington needs everything to break right for him to be successful, and it did last season. It probably won’t again, which is why I think they may need to see what they have in Chad Henne. Like I said last week, I always have faith in Parcells. It’ll never waver.

Pick: Dolphins

—————————–

Giants at Cowboys (3)

Anyone who follows sports even the slightest bit has heard about the monstrosity recently built down in Texas. To be fair, that rules out three quarters of the guys who Keith and I regularly hang out with, so allow me a second to explain. The new Cowboys Stadium opens Sunday night, and it’s a shiny new monument to owner and monumental asshole Jerry Jones. Since everything’s bigger in Texas – especially the fucktardery – the most talked about new feature is the world’s biggest HD screen that hangs 90 feet over the field. Very cool.

The problem is, in the first preseason game held in the new digs, Tennessee punter AJ Trapasso hit the scoreboard with a kick. Whoops! It turns out AJ (a scrub who was subsequently cut, btw) was routinely rocketing kicks off the board during warmups too, making a mockery of Jones’ laughable claims that the board wouldn’t ever interfere with play. The whole incident forced the NFl to come up with a brand new rule on the fly; we’ll call it the Jerry Rule. If a ball hits the scoreboard during play the play is ruled dead and the down is replayed. Unbelievable! It took over a billion dollars to build a new stadium that is so fucked up it’s forced the league to play by street rules where “do-overs” are required. I hear next the players will be asked to stop to allow passing cars to drive across the field, and to count to at least three Mississippi’s before rushing the QB.

As for this game, sure I’m being a homer, but I don’t think it will be close. The Giants were definitely rusty in Week 1, but they’re fired up for Sunday night in the new stadium and will put together a dominating performance on both sides of the line of scrimmage, causing the Cowgirls to curl up into the fetal position as always. The only thing sweeter than that will be if someone hits that fucking scoreboard with a punt. And you’ll have a better chance of finding a black, lesbian, illegal immigrant Jew in Dallas than you will of finding a reaction shot of Jerry on his precious HD screen.

Pick: Giants

You may need to read that twice.  It’s really better to say out loud–now that I think about it, it looks a lot like Casino Vaginas, which was not what I was trying to get across at all, and I duly apologize to any casino vaginas currently residing out there.  Try this — Casanova(gina)s.  Any better?

I was hoping to skip over here during the week and talk about something, anything really.  Like the fact that Champions League soccer started again this week and defending champions Barcelona wore pink uniforms against top Italian squad Inter Milan.  (I’ll tell you right now, that takes some serious balls.  You’ll never see NFL players do that, and you know why?  Because they’re huge pussies, afraid of their manhood.  That’s why they wear so many pads.)

But work was a bitch this week and kept me far from the stocked cooler that is IKH.  So bad, in fact, that my company bought some beers and pissed away the end of the week in our kitchen/lounge.

As is usually the case in these Friday afternoon sessions, the guys are congregated, and the women cower in the corners, or hide in their cubicles so as to avoid sexual assault.  One of their rank bravely approached the kitchen at 5:00 to announce she was heading to Vegas for an extended vacation with her husband.   A very bold move, considering the audience and the alcohol intake.

One of the guys coolly suggested she visit the Spearmint Rhino while she was there, and that her husband would really enjoy it.  Now I’m not a big Vegas guy, nor were the majority of the other guys in the room, but it’s so obvious just from the name that the Spearmint Rhino is a strip club.  (And frankly, a pretty gay sounding one.)

But as we sat there, I realized that there is a winning formula for naming a strip club.  It’s very similar to coming up with your Porn Name–your first name is your first pet and your last name is the street you grew up on.  Mine is Rusty Hazelwood, which is a fucking awesome porn name.  I have a friend from Germany whose porn name is about 10 syllables long, and is the funniest fucking thing I’ve ever heard.

But like I said, the formula for the strip club is this:  Flavor + Animal.  You can’t go wrong.  For the next two hours, my coworkers and I came up with 75-100 skin joint names that would do great business in a cesspool like Vegas, or our kitchen.  So I thought I’d roll them out with my Week 2 picks, in case there are any horny entrepreneurs out there.  Or, as I like to call them…Casino Vaginas.

First let’s look at Week 1.  I went a paltry 8-8, which I expected to do. I don’t follow football as closely as Hernandez does, and a few good teams underperformed in Week 1, which is always understandable.

But it turns out that Hernandez really put a buttbug in the bed with his 6-10 performance.  Holy hell, I’m ahead in this race!   Which makes me realize that Hernandez and I need to decide what the prize is this year.  Suddenly, my interest is piqued, as I don’t think I led at all last year.  (Mex, how’d you do?)

So let’s get to this week’s picks.  And for each pick, I will recommend a flavor/animal strip club name.

Texans at Titans (6.5)

Strip club:  THE PEPPERMINT HIPPOS

The Houston Texans have been sitting on a team-waiting-to-happen mushroom that has become a mushroom cloud.  They have some offensive potential, but a terrible defense and no track record.  Meanwhile, they’re playing a Tennessee team that nearly beat the Super Bowl champion Steelers on the road.  The Titans are pissed, and should blow out the Texans.

Pick:  Titans

—————————

Lions at Vikings (9.5)

All these football fans love to talk about how great football is.  There’s nothing to love about the shittiest team in the league leaving Detroit to head to Minnesota where Brett Favre has ruined his name.  Everyone who ends up at this game should know there are $2.50 well drinks and $1.50 lap dances at The Mentholated Skunk after the game.  For fuck’s sake.

Pick:  Vikings

————————–

Bengals at Packers (9.5)

Like Hernandez said last week, a few too many people have picked the Packers to go to the Super Bowl this year (and by too many I mean ‘one’.)  This team is supremely talented, and they’re my good friend Fitz’s favorite team.  Really, all it takes for me to root for this team is one neckbreaking tackle on wide receiver Donald Driver, who spends his Wednesday nights at The Chocolate Seahorse.

But I’m a big believer in the Letdown Theory, which applies here.  The Packers won a high-profile highly-fought contest against the Chicago Bears last week, their toughest division rival.  They should win this game, but The Chocolate Seahorse has some sick-ass drink specials, so they’ll eke this one out.

Pick:  Bengals

———————-

Raiders at Chiefs (3)

It’s getting kind of depressing picking all the Midwest-hosted games first.  That’s because I’m from St. Louis, and my parents are from Kansas and Nebraska.  I’ve driven all over the Midwest and there are no Spearmint Rhinos–there are converted Denny’s sitting in tall weeds in shitty strip malls with names like ‘Adult Book Club Store’ and ‘Nude Bar’.

That’s why I like the Raiders in this game.  They’re coming from the West Coast, so they know how to party.  I think they’ll bring their own strippers on the charter jet and win this game.  You know which strippers I’m talking about–the skanks from the Licorice Zebra.

Pick:  Raiders

—————————-

Eagles at Saints – Pick ’em

It hurts me and tickles me to see that the Eagles are still considered one of the elite teams in the NFC.  They are a strong team, yes.  But hot-pink wearing QB Donovan McNabb has decided he’s hurt after Week 1, and the reports go back and forth in the media that he’ll play, he won’t play, etc.  I’m sure ESPN is drooling at the asshole that dogkiller Michael Vick will get a chance to play QB, but Philly went and signed IKH favorite Jeff Garcia this week.

You know what?  It really doesn’t matter.  I first became aware of the Philadelphia Eagles in 1981 when they lost the Super Bowl to the Raiders.  And ever since that point, they’ve never had any worthwhile wide receiver.  It’s been 28 years.

So Donovan?  Relax with your perennial injury, at least until your fat Michelin man of a coach and front office gets you a wide receiver.  Let’s go hang out at the Garlic Nuthatch and shoot some pool.  And by ‘pool’, I mean ‘strippers’.  And by ‘shoot’, I mean ‘find some 50s in your wallet and offer them up to skanky South Jersey hookers while your mom’s Campbell Soup ad plays on the closed-circuit TV.’

Pick: Saints

————————-

Rams at Redskins (10)

I don’t give a shit about this game, but this is one of my favorite names we came up with tonight.  And with all these names, put yourself through two scenarios:

(1)  You’re at the club, and you’re trying to get your friends there.  They’re at some other loud bar, so you have to yell the name repeatedly into the phone.

(2)  You’re at the club, and your significant other calls.  She’s a ballbreaker, and you know your best way out is total honesty.

In either case, you say the following:

“I’m at the Oregano Mule.”

Pick:  Redskins

———————————–

Patriots (4) at Jets

Preseason, everyone loved the Patriots because Tom Brady is back.  And that’s an easy call to decipher–Tom Brady has gotten Bridget Moynihan and Gisele Bundchen pregnant.  He’s also won three Super Bowl rings, and still gets his ass kicked by 300 pound defensive linemen each week.  He’s earned his pussy.

The thing about the Patriots is that their defense absolutely sucks.  It’s fucking preposterously bad.  That doesn’t necessarily matter–yes, their Candyland defense made the Buffalo Bills look like a legitimate team on Monday night, but when push came to shove, the Pats came through on offense.  They are as strong a team offensively as the team that the Giants knocked off in the Super Bowl two years ago (Hi Mex), but they are nowhere near the same team defensively.

Meanwhile, the Jets have one of the 6 or 7 best defenses in the league.  They have a strong running game.  They also have rookie QB Mark Sanchez, who had a great game against the Houston Texans in his first ever start.  I’m sure part of it was that Houston has big gaping holes in their defense; the kind of holes you’d ask the whores at the Sharp Cheddar Porcupine to fit another finger into on your hard-earned dollar.

Still, I expect Sanchez to get wound up at his home debut.

Pick:  Patriots

——————————————

Buccaneers at Bills (5)

Don’t care about this one at all.  I’m sure Buffalo is pillow-biting after their pathetic meltdown against the Patriots last week.  And frankly, Buffalo only has one strip club:  The Vanilla Mouse.

Pick:  Buccaneers

———————————–

Cardinals at Jaguars (3.5)

The Arizona Cardinals were in last year’s Super Bowl and after crapping the rollaway cot last week and embarrassingly sneaking the sheets down to the Ecuadorian concierge for an overnight washing are already favored to lose to a middling team from the kidney region of Florida.  What the fuck happened to you guys?

Oh, I remember.  You all spent the offseason at The Raspberry Jellyfish. Good luck with your fruit-flavored STDs.

Pick:  Jags

——————————-

Seahawks at 49ers (1.5)

This game’s in San Francisco.  Go to The Cinnamon Weasel.

Pick:  49ers

——————————–

Steelers (3) at Bears

I have to admit–the Steelers win against the Titans at home on Opening Day of this NFL season was absolutely legit.  I *hate* the Steelers.  I know they’re Super Bowl champs, but I think they’re one of the dumbest-playing teams in the league.

Yet, at the same time, they have one of the smartest coaches in the league in Mike Tomlin.  He may not be the greatest strategist, but he is the best motivator and in-game tactician I have seen coach.  I root for Mike Tomlin–he’s an absolutely incredible coach.

That doesn’t matter in this case.  Once the Steelers get to Chicago and park their 300 pound asses at The Creamy Otter, their shit is done.

And let me just say–it took 3 hours and 200 names to come up with something as disgusting as The Creamy Otter.  So you’re welcome.

Pick:  Bears

———————————–

Ravens at Chargers (3.5)

How do I follow up the Creamy Otter?  That’s about as good a name as I’m going to come up with.  And yet, the Ravens/Chargers is the best AFC game of the week.  I have to come up with something.

This game is going to kick some serious ass.  I expect the Chargers to win, but I’m pulling for the Ravens, who remain one of the most underrated teams in the NFL.  We’ll talk about it over guaco dip at the Cumin Titmouse.

Pick:  Ravens

———————————-

Browns at Broncos (3.5)

Cleveland vs. Denver.  Ohio vs. Colorado.  Boredom vs. Mountainous Boredom.

Pick:  Broncos

Strip Club:  The Vinegar Cow

——————————

Colts (3) at Dolphins

Last week, Hernandez predicted the Colts would fall off the face of the earth while the Dolphins would rise to the top of the surf, and swim with those cute dolphin smiles.  Well, not exactly.  But he’s half right–the Colts aren’t a powerhouse anymore.  And he’s also wrong–the Dolphins aren’t making the playoffs this year after pulling off the Wildcat offense for half a year.  Ask the Knicks how the pick and roll is going to work this year.

Anyway, Hernandez would like to take this moment to announce that he gets all his body work done at The Sugar-Glazed Ocelot. He’ll be handing out coupons this weekend.  I don’t know what the fuck for.

Pick:  Colts

————————–

Giants at Cowboys (3)

This is what I’ve been waiting for all column.  This is why I look forward to littering the Internet with angry opinions and strip club names.

Apparently somewhere in the United States, someone considers the Dallas Cowboys a better team than the New York Giants.

I recognize that the Giants’ defense isn’t entirely healthy this week.  But I’ll tell you right now…the Giants are going to humiliate the Cowboys on Sunday night.  It may be a tight game, don’t get me wrong.  But there is no way in hell that Dallas wins this game.

There’s no strip club associated with this game. Unless of course they reopened the Shittaste Retardpeach across the street from the stadium.

STEELERS (6) vs Titans

The NFL is at its peak as a league. I don’t even think it’s all that arguable. I’ve felt for a while now that this season would be a great one, and the opening game served notice that we’re in for a treat. Playoff-like intensity in the first week of the season is a rare thing, and this one was a pleasure to watch, even though I hated seeing the Steelers pull out a win they probably didn’t deserve. Hey, has anyone else noticed that Pittsburgh’s offensive line totally sucks, and it did all last season too? I did and kept citing it as a reason they wouldn’t win the Super Bowl last year. (Look it up.) I was wrong about the SB, but I’m sticking with that same theme this year. And I still got this pick right, so shove that Iron City Beer up your cornhole.

Pick: Titans

————————

BENGALS vs Broncos (4)

I’ll take the contrarian view on the “Josh McDaniels is the anti-Christ for hurting poor little Jay Cutler’s feelings” hysteria spewing from the altitude-addled twats who live in Indianapolis With A Great Backdrop. I’m sorry, I meant Denver. Cutler is a turnover machine, not to mention a whiny bitch who doesn’t have the stones to lead a team to a title. (Also see: Philip Rivers.) You can’t build around a selfish guy like Cutler, and overrated Mike Shanahan was in need of a change of scenery. And seeing as how he doesn’t done jack shit in his career without John Elway, maybe that wouldn’t even help. So major kudos to owner Pat Bowlen for not playing it safe. On the other hand, Denver is still fairly devoid of defensive talent, and they will continue to struggle this season.

Cincy is a sexy sleeper pick this year, and as much as I hate to be a bandwagoner, I’m on board. They have elite offensive talent and an underrated defense that quietly kept them in games last year. I don’t think they’re a worst-to-first type sleeper, but it wouldn’t surprise me in the least if they were in the playoff hunt until the end. (Remember that I said pretty much the same thing about the Dolphins in my Week 1 preview last season. That doesn’t mean I’m always right, but you’ve gotta admit that was fucking classic.) 

Pick: Bengals

————————

TEXANS (4.5) vs Jets

If you don’t know who I’m picking in this game, you’ve obviously never read the site before.

Pick: Texans

————————

BROWNS  vs Vikings (4)

An astoundingly bad matchup of the two worst coaches in the NFL. Mangini is a complete joke, and the team doesn’t have enough talent to mask that fact. Childress has more talent to work with, but not as much as people credit them with – receiver and secondary to be specific. Minnesota is a mortal lock to finish 8-8.

Pick: Vikings

————————

SAINTS (13) vs Lions

I can’t get behind the Saints. Maybe if the Arena League didn’t fold I’d feel differently, but in the NFL you’re still supposed to play defense. Also, professional cancer Jeremey Shockey still plays for them, at least when he’s not being hospitalized with “dehydration.” Fuck this Lindsay Lohan world we live in where you can’t just come out and say someone OD’d. I guess the terrorist really have won.

Detroit deserves better than they got last year. I think Stafford will actually be good, and can see them finishing 6-10 or something. Still shitty, but a WHOLE lot better than what we’ve seen of late. If Barry Sanders comes out of retirement at midseason I’ll up this projection to 9-7. That’s not even a rumor, but it’d be awesome. If Theo Fleury and Jason Williams can do it, why not Barry?

Pick: Lions

————————

COLTS (7) vs Jaguars

It all falls apart for Indy this year and they finish out of the playoffs. It almost happened last year, and it’s not like they got a whole lot better in the offseason.

Pick: Jaguars

————————

CARDINALS (6) vs 49ers

I like the 49ers as a sleeper this season too. Good defense+Mike Singletary+more rush-heavy offense+surprisingly effective QB play from Shaun Hill = a respectable season. Not great, but highly competitive.

So cliche to predict a post-Super Bowl hangover/injury plagued season for Kurt Warner, but I’m going there. Sometimes they’re cliches because they’re true.

Pick: Cardinals (I think they cover by a late score or two following a tight game. Don’t think I’m being hypocritical; I stand by what I wrote in the summary, but I still want to beat Keith and Mex at these picks!)

————————

RAVENS (13) vs Chiefs

This may be the toughest game of the week to pick. Obviously I think Baltimore will win, but do I believe they’ll win by 13 or more? Tough to say. Everyone expects Flacco to be even better this season, but I can see a sophomore slump just as easily. And don’t forget Baltimore lost Bart Scott, Jim Lehonard and Rex Ryan from their defense. So I’m leaning Chiefs. But with Cassell 50/50 and no Tony Gonzalez, how can I make that play? I’m pretending to agonize over this, but this is what makes these picks fun.

Pick: Chiefs

————————

BUCS vs Cowboys (6)

What did I just write above about these picks being fun? Fuck me!!!

Pick: Cowboys

————————

PANTHERS vs Eagles (2)

Another pick I absolutely HATE to make, because I hate the Eagles more than Paul Aufiero does in “Big Fan,” which you should all go see, btw. But I’ve gotta do it this week. Just know that I think Philly is the single most overrated team in the league. Their coach, who always fucks his team over by trying to play finesse, pussy, trick play football instead of playing a power game, now has even more reason to play to those horrific tendencies with Vick on the roster. Their thin-skinned QB, who consistently chokes (and let’s not forget, pukes) in the clutch, now has a legitimate backup looking over his shoulder. Their defense lost its genius coordinator, it’s field general Brian Dawkins, and it’s best player, Stewart Bradley. Their supposedly new and improved offensive line is hurt and hasn’t played together all summer. Their oft-injured RB Brian Westbrook is already oft-injured again. Should I go on?

Still, I almost always take NFC Beast teams, especially against a Carolina team that rode an easy schedule and some lucky breaks to a 12-4 record last year. They won’t be bad this year, but they’re MUCH more likely to be 8-8 than 12-4.

Pick: Eagles

————————

GIANTS (6.5) vs Redskins

And now for the part where I bore you with my uber-Giants fandom. Actually I’ll spare you this time because I’m saving it for a post later in the week where I recap my trip to Giants Stadium for this game. Here’s a preview: The Giants were the best team in football last year but they choked and didn’t win the title. They’re hungrier, deeper and more talented this year, and they’re winning the Super Bowl in a rematch with the Pats. There, I said it.

Pick: Giants

————————

SEAHAWKS (8.5) vs Rams

Seahawks are another trendy pick to turn things around this season. I’m not feeling it. In fact, I never felt it when they were winning all of those division titles in the last decade. They were/are always missing that undefinable “it” factor – most likely toughness. The argument is they were decimated by injuries last season. I’ll grant them that, and I’m sure they’ll be improved. But they’re still only middle of the pack.

The Rams, on the other hand, are a team on the upswing. I have faith in my paisan Spagnuolo. He’ll have them in contention by his third season. For now we’ll have to settle for competitiveness, and it starts with covering this weekend.

Pick: Rams

————————

FALCONS (4) vs Dolphins

The quintessential “which one of these out-of-nowhere surprise teams was a fluke last year?” matchup. I’m in the minority on this one, but I think it’s Atlanta. Never bet against Parcells.

Pick: Dolphins

————————

PACKERS (3.5) vs Bears

If I hear one more scribe pick either of these teams to win the Super Bowl I’m going to shoot someone. Die, all of you. Both of these teams will be good, mind you, but Super Bowl contenders? Methinks no. The Bears have no receivers, no secondary, and Cuntler. The Pack have an old, washed up secondary, a brand new defensive scheme and no running game. Ryan Grant? Please! Talk about a one-year wonder. And that was two seasons ago.

Pick: Packers

————————

PATRIOTS (10.5) vs Bills

It’s sad to see Belichick go all Bizarro World and turn against his defensive roots by having an all-offensive team. But what a fucking offense! I’m not sold on Fred Taylor as an every-down back, but he’ll still help. The defense is a concern. I guess I have faith in the coach that these young guys will gell, but it’s going to take a while. I expect a lot of shootout wins.

I was firmly behind the Bills as a huge sleeper last year and got burned. Not this time.

Pick: Patriots

————————

RAIDERS vs Chargers (9)

Is this the 4th consecutive year we’re being told San Diego and/or Dallas has the most talented team in the league, or the 5th? I can’t remember because I’m so blinded by all of the championship hardware those two teams are brandishing. Oh right…I’m not. Fuck these dick biscuits, but I’m still taking them to cover this week. 

Pick: Chargers

Welcome back, NFL – where every pick makes you feel like a Tijuana whore!

You’d think that a blog named after a baseball player would’ve been busy all spring and summer talking about baseball.  Well, it turns out that baseball is boring to write about.  I think we all know it’s boring to watch unless you’re watching the team you root for.  My Cardinals have kept me captivated, as I’m sure Mex’s Red Sox have, but Hernandez’s Mets opened their new stadium with a season in crap. I wouldn’t be surprised if the Mets have a ‘Shit the Bed’ promotion later this month, where the first 5,000 paying fans get to head down to the field and excrete on a custom-built 90′ by 90′ mattress.  I’ll be selling chili and whiskey outside.

Yes, I know the Mets were plagued by injuries this year.  But usually one of the richest teams in baseball goes out and spends money on new players when these things happen.  The Mets just rolled over and died.   Is this because owner Fred Wilpon got hosed by Bernie Madoff?  Boohoo, Freddy.  You should’ve invested your paycheck in rent, booze and tacos like the rest of us.

That felt good!  It’s been a few months…

Anyway, baseball’s not IKH’s favorite subject to write about.  I don’t find it boring to read about, and there are a great number of excellent baseball writers who write about my Cardinals.  But I’ve come to the conclusion that the guys who write that stuff do a lot of research, present even-handed arguments, etc.  They have a lot of time and semen on their hands.

So what better day to get back to insulting you and entertaining ourselves than the opening day of the NFL season?  Let’s do this!

First order of bidness:  NFL picks.  Hernandez and I did this last year, we had a blast, and he got a free burger out of it.  This year we’ll add in Mex, so we may need to switch the prize to all-you-can-eat tacos.  And that reminds me–if you come to IKH for tepid, diarrhea-causing jokes, you are in luck, my friend.  We have grand plans for you.

Keith’s pick!  Steelers -6

Sunday picks coming soon.  I need to charge my phone and find out where the hell everybody is.

1.  I don’t really know anyone on the Cardinals besides Albert Pujols, Rick Ankiel and Yadier Molina. (And I only know Ankiel because of his meltdown against the Mets in 2000 and Molina because of his lucky-as-fuck HR to beat the Mets in Game 7 of the 2006 NLCS.) So who should I be keeping an eye out for in this series? Sleepers, rookies, under the radar guys, etc.

The first guy you should look out for is Adam Wainwright, who struck out Carlos Beltran on a looking curve ball in the 2006 NLC– wait, you’ve probably heard of him.  You’re just being coy.

The main guy to watch right now is 22 year-old CF Colby Rasmus, who is the highest-touted prospect in St. Louis in awhile, and a viable Rookie of the Year candidate.  He has decent power, great speed and a decent eye at the plate, but he also patrols CF in a way that reminds me less of Jim Edmonds and more of Beltran — he always takes a great path to the ball, has great range and as a result never has to or tries to make highlight-reel circus catches.

The other guy to watch is Cardinals ace Chris Carpenter.  After winning the Cy Young Award in 2005 and pitching extremely well in ’06, he missed almost all of ’07 and ’08.  After a 6-week injury at the beginning of this year, he’s been lights out.

SS Brendan Ryan has hit two of his five career homeruns against the Mets; one in his first MLB game at Shea and one in the first game of this series.  He’s nothing special, but seems to love it in Queens.  Also, he wears a neck chain made out of bicycle chains and cockrings.

2. How have the Cardinals fixed the bullpen woes you alluded to? Is it because of the genius of Dave Duncan, who we all know is actually the brains behind the overrated drunk Tony LaRussa, or is it something else? However it happened, kudos to them for not overspending to fix the bullpen like the Mets did with Putz and K-Rod.

LaDunc had nothing to do with it.  Journeyman and ex-juicer Ryan Franklin has emerged as a bona fide closer to the point where he may get some All-Star consideration, and it’s one of the reasons we’re lucky to find ourselves at the top of the NL Central.

Beyond that, the Cardinals have “fixed” the bullpen by carrying 13 pitchers all year.  We’ve seen a hodgepodge of unproven rookies (Motte, Hawksworth, Boggs, Perez, among others), promising but recently injured guys who haven’t quite come back (McClellan, Kinney) with a couple of veteran leftys.

My favorite of the bunch is definitely Motte.  He’s an ex-catcher who won the closer role in spring training but got bombarded in his first few save opportunities.  He still isn’t pitching that well, and it’s because he only throws one pitch:  a 96 mph fastball.  But he has that crazy catcher’s delivery like he’s hallucinating Speedy Gonzalez stealing home on every pitch that makes me root for him.

But none of them have been that effective.  In short, don’t worry about the bullpen.

3.   Along those lines, why do the Cardinals only have the 17th highest payroll in MLB? Their fans are supposedly the best in the league. (Just ask one – they’ll definitely tell you!) St. Louis also has a brand new ballpark that practically prints cash, and an owner who is a huge George W. Bush backer. So what gives? High payroll doesn’t automatically mean a better team, but shouldn’t a rich owner be putting more of that money back into the club? Do St. Louis fans even care, or is their self-righteous image as the most forgiving, mild mannered fanbase more important to them?

A doozy!  Let’s break this one down.

Their fans are supposedly the best in the league. (Just ask one – they’ll definitely tell you!)

No argument there.  We are the best fans in baseball, and it’s gracious of you to say, Hernandez.

St. Louis also has a brand new ballpark that practically prints cash

and thank Fredbird for that!  Let’s hope other franchises don’t build new ballparks to make money and accidentally name them after financial institutions that are living off TARP money…oops!

an owner who is a huge George W. Bush backer,

Ouch, and correct.

So what gives? Why do the Cardinals only have the 17th highest payroll in MLB?

Albert Pujols.  Before this year, the Cardinals have had one of the top 10 payrolls in MLB.  Albert is only under contract for two more years.  Diehard Cardinals fans like myself have to believe that owner Bill DeWitt is making space to offer Albert the chance to stay with St. Louis for the rest of his career, because what other hope is there for this franchise?

Do St. Louis fans even care, or is their self-righteous image as the most forgiving, mild mannered fanbase more important to them?

Well, of course we care!  Uh, we care… right?  Maybe we should move on to the next question.

4. The Cardinals lead the league in pitchers who have suddenly died during the season. Which member of the current roster do you have next in the Dead Pool?

Whichever member of the bullpen charters a plane in New York this weekend, and convinces the Big Bopper (Joba Chamberlain) and bespectacled Buddy Holly (K-Rod) to join in.

That, or lefthander Dennys Reyes.

He’s an Egg McMuffin away from getting his number retired.

5. How disappointed will you be when Albert Pujols is finally exposed as the steroid cheat you know deep down that he is? As disappointed as you were in that other Cardinal fraud Mark McGwire, or less?

You know what?  I’d feel relief.

Believe me, I’d be extremely, extremely bitter that the best hitter I ever saw with my own eyes was juicing, especially because he’s been the core of my team for so long.  But if he *were* juicing?  At least then, all of baseball would know that Albert was cheating, and would know why he’s been the best hitter on the planet.  There’d be that same reaction we had to the years that  McGwire,  Sosa, Palmeiro, Clemens, Bonds, Giambi et al. had way past their prime; the same reaction to that time Brady Anderson hit 50 HRs; the same reason we know why A-Rod appealed to Madonna and other muscular strippers (other than his unique lactating ability).

But if Albert is juicing, he’s done a Hall-of-Fame job of keeping the dosage consistent.  No one in baseball has put up the numbers in the first 9 years of their Major League career as a hitter.  And yet there’s no evidence of crazy peaks in his numbers.  He hasn’t spent too much time on the DL.  This year, his home runs have been up, but at the same time he hasn’t been able to extend his arms and hit the other way on outside pitches like he did so effortlessly earlier in his career.

My feeling is that Albert is the real deal. But no matter how long he plays or what numbers he puts up, there will always be doubt in his abilities because of the era he’s playing in.

How can I explain it?  Albert Pujols is like Mr. T.  It doesn’t really matter to me what he does or doesn’t do anymore.  He’s godsauce.

As Keith posted earlier, he and I are going to do a Cards/Mets back and forth this week as our favorite clubs do battle over four days at New Shea. Here are Keith’s five questions for me, and my answers. We’ll have my questions and his answers tomorrow. Enjoy.

1. David Wright leads the National League in hitting, but he’s not hitting with any power.  He still hits doubles, but he’s also on pace to strike out about 150 times this year.  Is he turning into Ichiro, or worse, Jeter?  And does it bother you that when the Mets’ lineup has been so injury-plagued that he’s not stepping up?

Wright’s lack of power doesn’t bother me. He’s gone through long home run droughts before, most notably in 2006 when he only hit 8 after the All-Star break. That weak second half came after Wright was the runner up in the Home Run Derby, leading millions of dickhead Mets fans to blame the derby for messing up Wright’s swing. It was taken as gospel truth that he suddenly developed an uppercut because he wanted to hit a home run on every pitch. “He’ll never be the same!” they all cried. Except he hit 30 and 33 hr’s the next two years and had his two best seasons. God, I hate Mets fans.

I’ll admit that Wright only having 4 homers this season is a little troubling, but not nearly as much as the increased strikeouts. I don’t know what’s up with that, other than the fact that the whole team is hurt and he’s trying to do too much. A lame excuse, but it’s all I’ve got. Either that or he’s getting too much pussy. Or not enough. Pick one.

2. I see the Mets put Carlos Beltran on the disabled list the very same day that the Cardinals come to town.  Yeah, I know he’s hurt, but the timing is pretty awful, considering that after the Cards series you guys face the Yankees this weekend.  I’m putting part of the reason down to the fact that he choked so hard in Game 7 of the 2006 NLCS.  Adam Wainwright isn’t even pitching in this series.  Why is Beltran such a pussy?

He’s Puerto Rican.

(BTW, am I supposed to be afraid of the Yankees? The same ones who just dropped two straight series to the Nationals and Marlins, and who would’ve lost the Subway Series if not for Luis Castillo’s colossal fuckup on a game-ending popup? Wake me when they stop padding their stats at that ridiculous joke of a new stadium they play in.)

3.  Two-parter.  In many ways the Cardinals and the Mets are very similar.  The Mets have obviously been hit by the injury bug a lot harder this year, but both our teams feature shit-the-pants starters at the back of the rotation, and are coming off years where the bullpens absolutely sucked.

Two differences I’ve noticed: The Mets are relying on veterans like Castillo, Cora and Tatis to pull them through, while the Cards are giving some new faces a chance.  Are those old Spanish guys blocking anybody who deserves a chance right now?

Second, the Cards have been lucky to stay atop the division due partially to the Cubs’ dismal performance in the Central. But the Mets have to deal with the Phillies, who have owned them the last couple years.  How much of a factor is that?

A lot to digest. As to the first part, those old Spanish guys aren’t really blocking any of our young Spanish guys. (The entire Mets organization is pretty much Spanish, if you haven’t noticed.) Our top prospect Fernando Martinez, a 19-year-old outfielder, has actually been with the big club for almost a month. He’s not ready for the majors yet, but they’re desperate for bodies right now. Shit, we’re relying on Gary Sheffield to be one of our top players, which tells you all you need to know about how bad things are.

In addition, most of the Mets best prospects are pitchers, not position players. The organization generally drafts everyday players poorly, which is one of Omar Minaya’s biggest faults. (The other is that he’s a straight up racist.) To compensate for this weakness, Minaya uses the team’s financial clout to sign older, more expensive players to provide depth. While I prefer giving younger guys a chance, as the Cardinals routinely do, I’ll refrain from slamming Minaya totally on this front. His strategy mostly looks bad because all of those veterans are starting right now. But if they were backups no one would have a problem with it. Such is life.

As to the second part, you’re wrong about the Phillies owning the Mets. Sure, the Mets choked a donkey’s dick the last two years, but it wasn’t because of their record against Philly. Here’s the breakdown:

• 2006 – Mets win season series 11-7
• 2007 – Phillies win season series 12-6
• 2008 – Mets win season series 11-7
• 2009 – Mets lead season series 4-3 

Not as lopsided as you’d think. It’s the fucking Marlins who have killed the Mets the last two years.

4.  What’s it like having Livan Hernandez as your #2 pitcher?  Any cold sweats?  Liquid shits?  Have you switched off of light beer yet?

I feel a sense of serenity when Livan takes the mound, knowing that he will give us a quality start and/or pitch until his arm falls off. You’ve gotta admit that not many 53-year-olds compete the way he does. Sure, sometimes he gives it up like an East St. Louis whore, but all is forgiven, especially when I’m drunk on light beer.

5.  I hear your new stadium’s nice, and I look forward to checking it out with you on Thursday.  But I’m guessing there are still a lot of Long Island Iced Teabaggers in attendance.  Isn’t giving this franchise a new ballpark a little bit like putting shiny new tits on a crack-smoking DP whore?

Yes.