I'm not Crazy! I'm Bipolar.

An Unquiet Mind: Book Review

2012-06-12T07:58:00.005-07:00

Kay Redfield Jamison has lived with manic-depressive illness for more than thirty years. Her book, "An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness," allows readers to experience and understand the reality and complex nature of manic-depression, presently known as Bipolar; a term that she finds powerfully offensive. The intense and candid descriptions of her struggles with stability, medication, hallucinations and suicide, makes this book relatable for those who are affected by manic-depression.

Kay grew up with a father and sister who both suffered from depression and grim moods, and a great-uncle who spent most of his life in an asylum. “The fact that manic-depressive illness is a genetic disease brings with it, not surprisingly, very complicated and often difficult emotions.” (p.190) With her admiration for education, and constant support from her family to pursue her interests, she became a successful Professor of Psychiatry, researcher and writer.
She feared being public about her illness and was reluctant to take medication, but when it came down to madness or sanity, she started to take Lithium and was honest when asked about her mental health. Medication is often refused at first because of the side effects. “Medications not only cut into these fast-flowing, high-flying times, they also brought with them seemingly intolerable side effects.” (p.6) As someone with this illness, I can connect with her at how difficult it can be to take Lithium or other medications prescribed. The side effects would be so devastating; to the point where I didn’t want to take anything and just deal with the violent episodes. Accepting the diagnosis and the realization of actually being sick, is a hard pill to swallow. “Some of my reluctance, no doubt, stemmed from a fundamental denial that what I had was a real disease.” (p.91) She failed several times to remain on the medication, but still acknowledged that it saved her life. “That I owed my life to pills was not, however, obvious to me for a long time; my lack of judgement about the necessity to take lithium proved to be an exceedingly costly one.” (p.89) She is a shining example of hope and courage. With proper treatment through medication and therapy, she makes life seem possible despite the illness.

At first, the book seems to be about a life of moods, but develops into a story about living despite a life of moods. Most people with mental illness will seclude themselves from people, life, and love. It is believed that life is over once diagnosed with a mental illness and a chance at a stable life is out of reach. Even though her life was controlled by exuberant highs and paralyzing lows, love made it all bearable. With the support of family and friends, she was able to “survive the turmoil…” (p.35) She married a French artist, recovered after the death of a man she loved and found love again. “But love is, to me, the ultimately more extraordinary part of the breakwater wall: it helps to shut out the terror and awfulness, while, at the same time, allowing in life and beauty and vitality.” (p.215) Readers can learn from Kay that during the darkest storms of life, love “is a very strong medicine.” (p.175)

She tells her story in a revealing but personal way, without it being too clinical. The fluidity and honesty of her writing made this book a page turner; I didn’t want to put it down. We can find comfort, support and insight through her detailed experiences. Her commitment to teaching, scientific research and passion to raise awareness, has been an inspiration to the mental health community.

Candy

2012-06-04T08:57:00.001-07:00

My Writing Life Series: Part 1

Writing has been a part of my life since I was a young girl. I still remember sitting at my desk and typing away on my mom's old typewriter. I would create stories. My friend and I would stay up all night when she slept over and be determined to write a book. What it was about, I can't recall, but it was a good idea at the time.

I want to share my love for writing - and reading - because it has helped me in my recovery.

I have collected quotes, writings, songs, books, notes and scribbles throughout my life. There would be a movie or song lyric that would totally change my day around; it's incredible what the perfect sequence of words can do. Whenever I need some inspiration or a pick-me-up, I go to my list of favourites on my computer or read through my collections. Writing in a journal, or just blogging has helped me release and revisit times in my life in a new way.

The movie Candy, which I've talked about before, had a deep affect on me. The poetic brilliance captivated me. Here's a clip that I listen to, to get my writing juices flowing. ~CC

Treasures in Recovery

2012-05-01T15:24:00.001-07:00

This picture has been tucked away in a journal from years ago. My husband Mike gave it to me while in the hospital. I would look at it everyday, reminding me why life was worth fighting for.

My collection of music over the years has healed me in ways that therapy couldn't.

The scrapbooks of memories, quotes and pictures is a priceless treasure. Looking through them, I can reconnect with my past in a more beautiful way. I remember working on them; losing myself, losing time. I'd immerse myself in the creativity of it all. There's actually two that I did, one for my mom and another for my mother-in-law; I don't even remember doing them. One of my favourite things to do, during the hardest times, was to go to the scrapbooking store in town. I could spend hours in there. There's nothing like buying new tools or searching through the piles of endless printed paper. Stickers, stamps, paper, tools... I was in my heaven.

Reading books was and still is one of my favourite things to do. I have probably kept every book that I've purchased in my lifetime - which aren't all showing in this picture- and can remember something about the book that intrigued, moved me, or taught me some valuable lesson. I enjoy reading memoirs the most. Something about having a glimpse into someone else's life, during triumphs, pain, failures and just life. I find that when I can read and relate to the author, I learn more and it also helps me heal.

My wedding band and engagement ring. A simple, flawless diamond. Hand picked by my husband when we were only 21. When I look at these I remember our wedding day and our commitment to one another. Even though we didn't know what was in store for our future together, we still said "I do."

Journaling is something that I've always done and still do to this day. I have done much healing through writing. I can now look back through many of my journals - which aren't all shown in this picture - and remember the good parts of my past, as well as some painful, but life changing moments. I hope to be able to hand these down to my children. ~CC

There's something about yellow

2012-04-22T10:41:00.003-07:00

Banana, chiffon, cream, vanilla cake, golden, lemon, khaki, lemon, mellow yellow, saffron, topaz, the sun, warmth. There's something about the colour yellow. In all it's simplicity, it makes me smile. ~CC

Perseverance

2012-04-16T17:51:00.004-07:00

Inspired from reading Christine Caine's Facebook page. She's amazing! ~CC

What I Want

2012-04-12T17:47:00.002-07:00

I want you to love life. I want the best for you. I want you to love and be loved. I want you to have impeccable sweetness with everything you experience. I want life to be your playground. I want the sun to always shine on you, especially during the darkness. I want you to see the ocean and know that the possibilities for your future are just as big as the deep blue. I want you to fear nothing and embrace all. I want you to know that you are loved. ~Love Mom

Pregnancy So Far

2012-04-11T14:04:00.000-07:00

No matter how much you read to prepare yourself for pregnancy, there's really nothing that can settle your mind from worry and concern. In the last six months I've stocked up on pregnancy books and read countless web resources, but there's still more to learn!
Pregnancy has opened up so many doors and windows in our lives. The first thing that I had to get used to was the constant changing with my body. This is something that took time to adjust to because I was used to being a certain size and weight. I've struggled with my body image for so long and last summer I finally became at peace with my larger breasts and curvier shape. A few months later, pregnant! I've been told by every woman that I talk to that "your body will bounce right back, don't worry!" But I have to say; after starting to show just a few weeks ago, I no longer look like I had a long night with a tub of ice cream. It's clear, now that my baby is bumping.

I really had to change my thinking process and develop love and understanding with myself. During this time I can't be so hard on myself. There are things that I used to do well, but since the weight gain and belly growing, I'm limited to my flexibility and ability to graciously pop out of bed. I haven't had any strange pickle and ice cream cravings, but did have a weakness for mini eggs during Easter.

The episodes and symptoms haven't been too hard to handle. I expected to feel up and down due to pregnancy, but with Bipolar on top of it, I wasn't sure what to expect. The main concern is after the baby is born. But I have faith and trust that it will all be okay.

Everyday has been a blessing; backaches and all!

What is going on? Pt.2

2012-03-21T07:29:00.001-07:00

We don't realize just how quickly our lives can change. One moment everything makes sense and seems perfect.  The next, it can all be taken away. And not only do the events influence our own lives, but also to those around us.

There were three of us who arrived at the OB triage. One woman was eight months pregnant, and the other was 16 weeks. At the time, I was 14 weeks. The nurse gave us each a bed and closed the curtain around us. It was such a strange, unsettling feeling. Lying there waiting to hear if our baby was alright.  The woman who was eight months pregnant was looked after first. All I could hear was the sound of the swooshing from the portable doppler. They were checking for her baby's heartbeat. The devastation fell over all of us when there was no heartbeat to be found. Her cries flooded the room. I wanted to get out of there, it was too emotional. I held my hands over my mouth to muffle the uncontrollable whimpers I was making. The doctor took over and had an actual ultrasound machine.  He couldn't find a heartbeat and declared the baby dead. "How does this happen?" "You're supposed to worry about this kind of stuff at the beginning, not the end." "Why?" She asked those questions over and over. All the doctor could comfort her with was that she didn't do anything wrong. That more than likely the cord wrapped around the baby's neck.
Her husband was on his way. When he entered the room he screamed with sadness. The couple's embrace during this tragic time was felt throughout each of us that day. At least that's what I believe.

When it came to our turn the nurse didn't think she heard a heartbeat, which did concern me. But she must have not known how to use the machine because she was having that problem with everyone. I didn't want to think the worst, but it was difficult not to.  When the doctor came in I told him about the bleeding. As he checked the screen, the image of our beautiful baby was there. He told us that everything looked good with the baby, but the concern was more about the placement of my placenta. The doctor explained that it looked to be low lying and was the source of the bleeding. I was told to take it easy and hopefully the placenta would move as my uterus grows.  We were also able to hear the heartbeat, which came with some guilt, knowing that the woman who had just lost her baby could hear this going on.

To this day I still think about that woman.  ~CC

What is going on? Pt.1

2012-02-28T15:58:00.001-08:00

It's almost been 2 weeks since we visited the ER. I have never been so thankful but so sad at the same time.

It started Wednesday during the night. When I went to the bathroom I noticed there was some light spotting. Immediately I started to panic. So I tried to go back to bed and was going to check again in a couple of hours. Nice try!  Trying to sleep while thoughts of a possible miscarriage filled my mind, sleeping was impossible. About 45 minutes passed before I checked again. Still spotting. What the heck was going on? Just Wednesday afternoon I had my family doctor's appointment and all was good. I even heard the heartbeat through the hand held doppler.

I woke Mike up and told him what was going on. He tried to comfort me with all the positives but it didn't make a difference. We decided to go to the walk-in clinic in the morning. At 7:30 we woke and headed to the clinic.  I just wanted everything to be okay. It wasn't a long wait. The doctor came in with the hand held doppler and proceeded to check for a heartbeat. There it was. A quick little thump, thump, thump...music to our ears. He told me to take it easy and if there was anymore bleeding to go to the ER.

The spotting stopped.

Friday night came and I was feeling confident. Still no blood. At 8:30 that evening I went to the bathroom. When I saw the bright red blood, I was in complete shock. It was like a nose bleed. This couldn't be good. I yelled for Mike and he rushed in to see what was the matter. I showed him and said, "We have to go to the hospital." Fear overwhelmed us both as we drove into the unknown.

Not knowing has to be one of the worst feelings. I understand that in life we're not supposed to know, being all part of what faith really means.  During this time we had to put full trust and faith in God. If something did happen to the baby there was nothing we could do to stop it. We had to accept it and still move forward.

It was packed inside the ER. There was a line of chairs for people to be checked in by triage. I thought I should tell someone what was going on and maybe they would take me sooner. But I didn't want to fuss. So we sat and waited.  A nurse came up to everyone and asked one by one what we were in for. Some were there for a sore back, to a bad cold. She came to me and I told her I was 14 weeks pregnant and bleeding. With urgency in her voice she said, "I'm coming back for you mam." Within seconds she reappeared rolling a wheelchair to my side and up to the OB triage we went.

~CC

Proud To Announce

2012-02-22T15:11:00.000-08:00

On the morning of December 10th I took a pregnancy test. The whole process of trying, waiting for my period, and becoming disappointed when it came, started to get discouraging. To finally read a 'positive' on the test, I couldn't believe it! I took my phone out and actually took pictures. I texted my husband who was in a class at the time. The text simply read, "I'm pregnant." I wish I could have been there to see the look on his face.

Our baby at 12 weeks 4 days ultrasound.

As I lay in bed, taking it easy as per the ER doctor, I am taken back by how fast time has gone by. I'm at 15 weeks tomorrow. It felt like just the other day that we were excited to be at 12 weeks, the week that most pregnant women hold their breath to get to. Like some axe drops, making us feel that everything is going to be okay now that we're into the second trimester. But who's to say something can't happen at 'any' time of the pregnancy. This whole experience has shown me another side of myself. If this were 3 years ago I would be panic and anxiety stricken until the birth of the baby. I have learned, especially in this situation, that I can do everything right but in the end it's not up to me what happens.

Yes, it's all exciting and beautiful but there's more stress involved than I anticipated...all worth it though! Wanting everything to be okay. Wanting the baby to be healthy. Wondering if I'm eating the right foods and getting enough activity. All that I do now is for this baby. I understand that there's no perfection when it comes to pregnancy and motherhood. But what's wrong with wanting the absolute best for your child. Giving him/her the best of 'you' that you can.
~CC

Slip and Dip

2011-11-23T08:50:00.001-08:00

I want to pick up where I left off. The Friday that my entire world came crashing in on me I didn't handle it the way I should have. Luckily Mike was there to take me out and get me out of the cocoon of blankets I tangled myself in. I believe that that's the key. Having support around you. People who understand. Mike and I have a plan for when things like this happen. He's to do everything possible to get me up and out of the house. Because I know that when I 'get out of my head' I'll be much better.

So where am I from then? Much better. We all have our slips and dips, but it's about getting up after the fall that matters. ~CC

Ramblings after an episode

2011-10-02T17:29:00.000-07:00

Let's just pretend for a moment that every thing in life is simple. Not so simple. Yes, I'm one to believe, trusting onto to God, blessings and all that stuff. But those beautiful things are hard to see when you fall into a deep hole.

Sia ~ I'm in here

~I admire music that says it all when I can't say anything.~

I'm very strict with what I eat and exercise at least two times a day. I push my self to the limit because that's what I expect. I don't work so my sense of accomplishment comes in different ways. I have no schooling, except high school. But I do have my husband and family. Day to day what I do is often similar. Knitting, cleaning, writing (lost that for a bit too), reading, watching movies...hmmm, what else? Really anything to keep me busy. I've been baking and cooking a lot. I love to! There's all these things that go through my head, nonstop! What I want to do, the goals I have, I imagine myself being there...as in, successful with a career, children and still happily married. But if I don't start running from these clouds, my dreams are nothing but dust.

Tonight let's talk about stress. Not just typical, everyday running around, busy, working, driving, family. I'm talking the 'not so' good 'ol stress we feel towards our bodies. That's what got me here, I think. I knew trying to have a baby would be 'stressful' but I didn't realize how so. It's been two months since we starting trying and not pregnant...well at least that's what the test told me. I have a doc appointment on Tuesday because of how I've been feeling. I have severe cramping, bloating, so so so nauseous and dizzy. There's more, but I won't bore you with how my body's fighting against me. Now on to the weight. In the summer, I felt so confident. Fast forward to present...not so confident. This self-hatred is like nothing else. It 'rules' my entire day of thoughts and activities. In the back of my mind I know what's taking place. But I don't worry because "I have every thing under control." (sense the sarcasm there?) I've gained five pounds or so and absolutely hate it. It's like lately the will power I once had, has run off somewhere. I could go for weeks without any type of junk in my diet. Now...bring on the cookies and ice cream. And I can't purge them, by vomiting, so I exercise my ass off. I don't think I've worked out this hard in my life. Then of course the guilt and shame accompany the extra weight I just put on.

What will it be like when I'm pregnant?
I'm going to gain weight and I'm going to have to accept it. There's no 2 hour classes when I'm expecting. Mike is very strict with how he sees my health during pregnancy. And he has every right to be because of the past. But I can't get out of the past if people don't treat me different. So, I've been feeling really crappy about myself...REALLY.

I found myself taking all I had left of my Lorazopam. I was prescribed it, but stopped taking it. I didn't want to, me personally, take a pill for every time I was feeling something. But I kept the bottle with the remaining pills.
So Friday night all I could think about was taking something to 'make it go away.' I broke down, cried, and told Mike how I was feeling. He understood this sudden 'episode' of depression I was going through was serious. (If you've gone through anything like this, you understand that lagging feeling, that intense sense of hopelessness...it's difficult to get others to understand...they don't know unless they've gone through it.) See, he's not just worried about me. We want a child and this can't go on with a baby in our lives. We decided to go out and get a coffee. Something we do when we need to get out of the house or our mind off of things. He was so supportive in getting me up and moving. I still took the pills.

What's This Place?
There's just been so much jam packed in my mind and have lost a way to express it. I haven't been writing as much or linking up with fellow blogggers like I usually did. Have you ever just hated yourself so much? I'm so disappointed with failing 'eating perfect', or failing that extra 20 minutes at the gym. I'm afraid to go out. To talk to people on the phone. I've lost friends...oh, and pretty much don't have any...huge lack of social life right here!! And I feel like I'm losing my husband. And for what? I have to believe I can control this and get help.

To whoever is reading this, I am a perfect example of what not to do. Yes we struggle with our symptoms and wish we were ten pounds thinner...but it's called life and we have to deal with it...with our minds not our emotions. We can't let the illness take anything else....I can't let it take anything else.

For the rest of the night and on into the next day I was clouded. My speech was slurred and you could tell something was up. I went to a party and wasn't there. I remember stuff about it but my mind was off somewhere else. Our family went to Costco that day as well. That's kind of foggy too.

I didn't use my tools. I let my husband down...who now thinks I need to go to the hospital and 'not safe' = wanting to kill myself. I have my psychiatrist appointment tomorrow so I'll let her know what's up. ~CC

Fairytales do come true, even with Bipolar.

2011-09-21T16:12:00.000-07:00

This song just fits!

Growing up I would watch 'romance' movies and hope that one day someone would love me like that. With the house I lived in and what money I 'didn't' have, guys didn't go for girls like me. And if a guy liked me it was usually for my boobs or to get some. I honestly didn't think that what I have now was ever in my future.

The relationship between my husband and I has been tested, in the past and right as I write. He can tell when my mood changes, when I'm having a low day...no matter how hard I try to conceal it. I guess that's what happens when you're with someone for almost 13 years.

We grew up together. Together since we were turning sixteen. Grew into our own but influenced each other to the core. I wonder sometimes what I would be like, who I would be, if it wasn't for Mike in my life. On the other hand, I don't even want to think about it. He is my saving grace everyday. To have someone in my life who loves me so much makes me want to be a better person. We bring out the best, and sometimes worst in each other...but it makes life interesting! There were so many moments when I wanted to give up, throw in the towel...I'm done. But then I think of Mike and the future we will hopefully be blessed with and I start to breathe again. He's the breath of air I need to take when I'm drowning.

When we met we were children. Not understanding what love or soul mates really are.  I met him through a friend and I instantly saw something true, kind and loving. He wasn't like the rest of the guys. He was the first to treat me with respect. Every other guy in school wouldn't look twice at me and make fun of me. My high school career was one of the worst times in my life. Miserable. Mike made that time much better. I had just got out of an abusive relationship and felt worthless. We started dating and finally he asked me to be his girlfriend. My fairytale actually came true.

I don't think he knew what was in the future for us. If he did would he still have fell in love with me and married me? That's what love is, well what I believe a part of it to be. Loving someone unconditionally, despite their flaws. We do that for one another. He has his moments and I certainly have mine.  I find myself asking from time to time, "Why is he with me?", "He could do so much better." But then I think about all we've been through and my questions are answered.

Bipolar, depression, eating disorders, and just pure darkness can rip apart any relationship, no matter how strong. We've survived and fought to keep our love strong.  I literally wouldn't be alive today if it wasn't for him.  This mental illness has taught us many lessons and has strengthened our relationship.  Living with Bipolar isn't easy for the individual who has it. It gets even harder when family is involved. For loved ones who are trying to understand, it's difficult. And it's different from person to person. There's no magic book that will tell you the answers or a pill that will make it all go away. You have to accept it...and so does everyone in your life.  Just keep hope and faith strong...fairytales can come true. ~CC

Still Got The Love

2011-08-31T17:01:00.000-07:00

Today is my first entry in almost a month. Thanks to all who still pop by here and for the messages I've received. Writing today is another small step forward in regaining my balance.

When everything is going well I'm waiting for the bottom to fall out. I shouldn't think this way but it's something that I have accepted. For so long I have felt like 'this is it, no more, no more bad days.' I start to feel so strong and like I don't even have Bipolar. When I'm feeling 'good' my relationship with the Lord is top priority. My self-esteem is solid...with some exceptions. My drive and motivation is through the roof. I feel like I can conquer anything. But for awhile it wasn't the same 'conquer anything' attitude that most of us experience during our Bipolar highs. This time was different. I was actually feeling somewhat stable. We all have our bad days, so when I started feeling 'off', I just chalked it up as just a bad day. I was so wrong.

I understand that being off of Topamax and birth control can be a factor to consider when I wonder why I'm going through these changes. You never really know when something works until you don't have it. It's not uncommon when people feel great and want to get off their meds, that's a sign it's working. But if you go off of them you may see the difference and realize that you felt great due to the medication. When I'm on an 'up', at times, I feel like I don't need to take meds any longer. I honestly didn't see this one coming.

So far I've experienced a drop in my mood significantly. I isolate, don't want to be bothered by others, irritable, angry, frustrated, TIRED, quick to argue (which my husband has to get the brunt of that), lost interest in just about everything, headaches, anxiety, change in appetite,...shall I keep going? Most of all I haven't been writing as much as I used to. I thought, 'maybe I've been writing so much lately that I just need a break?' But when I looked at my symptoms closer, depression was staring right back at me. Now I can't blame the withdraw of Topamax and/or birth control entirely...so what else is going on? When I went to my Psychiatrist this month, she reminded me of everything that has happened in the last few months...as well as the med change.

It hasn't been just another bad day. It's been a bad month. Each day I look forward to going to bed so I can sleep off the day I just went through. Recently I slept away an afternoon or two and climbed into bed earlier than usual...also to get the day over with sooner. I still wake up early to drive my mother-in-law into work. That has been my saving grace. Just waking up and having something to do, to be responsible for. No matter how tired some mornings, I wake my butt up to drive her to work then go to the morning classes at my gym. This routine has kept me afloat. Not working or having any major responsibilities sounds like a dream to most. But it's not all that it's cracked up to be. After years of being on disability, on meds, in and out of hospitals and groups...I need a vacation! To occupy yourself day to day, with new and interesting things, gets old quick.

If you have Bipolar, depression, or another form of a mental illness, you may have experienced periods of high hopes and beauty in your dreams. I try with all of my might to hang on to what I believed in...during the good days. It's that, that keeps me marching forward amidst the storms...along with my music of course!

During an evening walk, I had a change of mind and mood. It started out as a day of dread, like most low days do. I'm finding that not only going to the gym helps, but these walks I've been taking really clear my head. It gives me time to think and reflect. I was listening to a song that's been my favourite and by one of my FaVe artists. It's not like it was the first time hearing this song, but today the words meant more! ~CC

Florence and The Machine ~ You've Got The Love

It will all be okay tomorrow

2011-08-04T12:34:00.000-07:00

For the last couple of weeks I haven't been feeling well. At times I feel like there's some sick joke being played on me. Stability and 'feeling good' is like a carrot on a string being dangled in front of my face. It's just an arms length away. Once in awhile I can grab it and other days I have no strength to reach out and take it. To experience what a 'good' day feels like and then having it ripped out from beneath me...it's a continuous war. Okay, fine. Let me have the bad days; where I can hardly move, my entire body aches and no interest in my writing or taking care of myself. I get used to it. A rhythm starts. I can roll with the punches. But you 'realize how sweet the sweet is when you've tasted the sour.'  Experiencing a day of peace within my mind, body and spirit...I fear the fall. I never really notice just how bad things get until I feel better again. It's like being kicked in the face every time you want to get back up again. Do I just stay down? Do I have enough energy & will to do it all over again?

What I've been going through for the last bit has brought me back to a too familiar and scary place. When dealing with Bipolar, BPD, depression and all that good stuff...feeling balanced is unfamiliar. The most important thing I had to remember was to keep my routine. But even doing that was & is exhausting. Everything has crumbled apart at my feet. Before I knew it I was laying in bed with Mike being pressed about what's been going on. He can read me like a book.  Just from noticing that I hadn't been writing or reading as much, how my eating has been, and just how I looked...he knew something was wrong. It took much poking and prodding for him to finally break me. I revealed that I had some slips with Bulimia and have felt 'off'.  I felt embarrassed and exposed. Coming clean about that leaves me feeling naked in front of a thousand people.

We dealt with it. We've been here before. I told him what I thought caused the slips and this spiral downwards. I made a promise to myself and him to take this seriously.  This isn't just about me anymore. I don't want to be unhealthy going into pregnancy or during.  Mike made it very clear to get this under control. I know he worries about me but it makes me feel horrible. There must be times when he just wants to throw his hands in the air and say "I've had enough" and find someone without the drama. I have regained his trust over the last few years.  I feel there's a great chance that I've broken that trust. Keeping secrets. Telling him I was fine when I knew something was up. As the saying goes, "We're only as sick as our secrets."

All the signs were there. I wasn't writing, there was a gigantic block. And that's not like me. I didn't want to do anything or be around anyone. I retreat when this occurs. But I kept telling myself, "It will all be better tomorrow."  Each morning I woke up, it was worse. I knew if I didn't nip this in the butt now, I was headed for a dangerous road.

So I'm trying to pick up the pieces. I'm still going to the gym, the closest thing to therapy I can get right now. I decided to write today. And I didn't stay locked up upstairs, alone. I've been giving it an honest effort. To remember the things I enjoyed, like music. Anything to break the chains and loosen the grip of this relapse. ~CC

Tom Baxter ~ My Declaration

And our decision is...

2011-07-28T09:00:00.000-07:00

It's been a little while since my last entry. There are some days when I can write & write. And sadly, there are other days when my motivation has vanished. The things I want to say stay locked up inside and I freeze. I have a story to tell and a message to get out, but finding the perfect words...the perfect sequence...it's hard to put together at times.

I have to be quite honest, the last couple weeks have been difficult.  I'm off Topamax completely and have been off birth control for a bit now too.  We are excited because within the next couple of weeks it's time to start trying for a baby.  All of these decisions to make, and it's not just thinking about myself or Mike any longer. We've been tossing the idea around to stay on Seroquel while pregnant or not to take it.  Both had several pros and cons, and either way the baby was at risk and so was I. There were several things to think about and consider.  We want to think of the baby first but I need to make sure I'm healthy in order to be a mother to him/her. So going off the meds would put me at risk for extreme mood fluctuations, which is dangerous for the growing fetus, especially during the first three months.  Since my dose works well for me there is no guarantee that if I were to go back on it after the pregnancy, that it would still have the same positive results. I don't want to mess with meds again. It took so long to find the right one and I couldn't go through more trials and errors.
We also looked at what could possibly happen after the delivery. My psychiatrist told me I am at high risk for post pardum or psychosis, especially if off the Seroquel. I'm not going to believe in that though because it all could turn out fine. Think positive. I think each scenario is different, and each person is different.  So do I take a chance, go off the meds, and possibly become sick again? She explained that ECT's would be available for me, just in case.  That possibility scared me.   To think I could get to that desperate point again and need ECT treatment.

To stay on Seroquel there's the obvious question of, 'will the baby be deformed or have ongoing problems during his/her life due to the consumption of the pills?'  From the research I've done there's some who think Seroquel has caused birth defects and others that say they were healthy and so was their baby. But I wouldn't be in as much danger of the extreme mood swings if I continued taking it, which would be better for the baby.  And the chance of the post pardum and/or psychosis is still there, but hopefully not as severe, compared to if I were off of it. The most important time with a baby is during the first few months I was told. That's when the bonding between mother and child takes place. Do I want to be so sick that I have to depend on others to take care of him/her? Or do I take the meds, and have a better shot at some stability and to be able to care for our child?

I couldn't live with myself if I fell into the pit of darkness and wasn't there for the baby. So in the end, staying on Seroquel was in every one's best interest.

Who's your Titan?

2011-07-13T12:05:00.000-07:00

A Titan.. Most known in Greek mythology as a race of powerful deities. Strong. Powerful. This day in age children would look up to them in a sort of Super Hero way. Or we can have individuals who influence us, in a positive & purposeful way...a Titan in our modern world.

So who's your Titan? Do you have someone that you look up to or admire? When things get tough is there that one person that you think of and say to yourself, "if he/she can do it, so can I." You think of their amazing triumphs and it inspires you to keep on fighting the fight. When this question was asked to me, I couldn't answer right away. Of course there are people who I admire and view as amazing individuals...but who was extraordinary & made me want to live my life better & be a better version of myself? Immediately I thought of my husband, Mike.

There are those 'celebrities/famous' people who have dealt with Bipolar/depression and still made it. I remember writing my post for "We're Not Alone" and discovering how many others have a mental illness. I couldn't pin point one name. For example, Linda Hamilton & Margaret Trudeau have Bipolar and are successful, strong women.
Still in search, I thought of Joyce Meyer. A woman who I often write about in my posts. I read her books & daily devotions. I watch her t.v. broadcasts. And I went to see her for a weekend, speaking live...along with 'Hillsong'...it was spectacular...life changing! Why her? This woman has been through it all. She had a dream and fulfilled it, despite what was in her past, or what odds were against her. I admire her for that...and classify Joyce as my modern day Titan. Until I saw a clip of this woman, Christine Caine.

If you read the link about her, you'll understand why this woman is right up there as my number one Titan. In 'aww' of her work & passion...in defiance of her past...gives me the confidence & faith that I too, can make my dreams come true. ~CC

Uncontrollable

2011-07-12T13:09:00.000-07:00

Being thankful for his grace & gifts, one at a time...it's everywhere. one thousand gifts.

#36. Our garden. (more pics to come.)
#37. Gardening this summer, planting flowers and watching growth take place, has given me much joy.

I thought I wasn't going to come undone for at least another week or so. Wrong. Yesterday at around 5pm familiar habits/symptoms came creeping back. Without warning. Everything was going just fine for the entire day. I went to the store, bought chocolate and watched some t.v. series through my laptop. The vicious cycle of regret & shame came barging in. Whenever I feel like this, I treat myself with no respect. Why? Why does this keep occurring? Lows are starting to happen more often than usual. It can't be the 'weening' off of Topamax because it's not a mood stabilizer. But it could just be throwing stuff off balance, as well as being off of birth control. It's been a month, or a bit longer for both now. I've been noticing headaches and that was it...until now.

This morning I woke up. A new day. I try, after a low, to 'sleep it off'' at night. Have a new beginning in the morning. I set my alarm for 9am. No trouble waking that early last week. I didn't wake until noon today. Trying to reason with myself, it could just be that my body needed the rest. But I have to be honest with myself...I'm going through a crash and I don't want to admit it. Especially when everything was going so well. There's just something about 'admitting' that I'm in a low. I'm not ashamed, far from it. I guess it's just a personal struggle of losing control that I believe I so tightly have. And when this takes place, the reality of, when it wants, the Bipolar has control...saddens & angers me. But it's about taking control back. There is a period of time I actually let it have its fun, but then that's it. I have the power now & my day is mine to take back. Like today. I even ate Fruit Loops, totally out of my character. I'm such a health nut & sugared cereal is foreign to my body. It was a warning. I do my best though to guard & shield what's going on...but to the people who know me best, I'm an open book. When I start to eat off my standard healthy diet, they are aware that I'm starting to fall apart. After I ate it, I felt extreme guilt & anxiety. I have to admit, I wanted to throw it up. Just to erase it, get it out and start the day over. But I had already taken my morning medication. So I dealt with it. Barely.
The afternoon was sunny and hot. So I decided to take advantage of it...and maybe the outdoors would help steal the pain away. I couldn't let yesterday's mess seep over into today. My mother-in-law & I lazed out in the pool, soaked up the sun and read our books. I started to feel better. And now I'm writing this. From this morning, what was thrown my way...to this moment, it's a complete 180. I took control back. It wasn't going to take anymore of me. ~CC

Take your shot

2011-07-09T06:35:00.000-07:00

I do my best to keep the darkness at bay. Controlling what is in my hands. What's left over is in God's & my body's chemistry basically. I can feel it. When the storm is rolling in and when I need to take cover. What did I do wrong? I've been eating right, getting enough sleep...not too much or too little, keeping a routine, writing, and prayer (along with my devotions & worship). It's just a silent sniper, taking aim, waiting for the perfect moment to take it's shot. To take me out when I'm not expecting it. Everything in my life gets swept away from out beneath my feet. Nothing is worth doing.

The last few days have been filled with depression and anxiety. I fought each day with hope, believing that this too shall pass. I stayed committed to my daily fix of exercise. Really, that's what holds me together at times. Not only that but it does something for my moods. Some of you may already know that, if you already are involved in working out or activities that get your blood moving. In my opinion, besides proper medication, it's the best therapy/treatment out there. I have said this and I'll keep on saying this, that it's not just depending on the drugs, we have to put effort in our health.
This last week was torment for me. I didn't want to lift myself from the couch. But I knew if I wanted to kick this thing in reverse I had to move. I know it's difficult and doing ANYTHING when you feel like this is out of the question...but it is possible. Just even getting outside to get some fresh air.
The day I felt the worst was when I watched an entire day of t.v...well a t.v. series played from my laptop. I understand my Bipolar enough to know when I need to 'baby' it and when enough is enough. I needed that day though of healing; those days are common when a low comes. When it gets to the most difficult point, my entire body hurts from the bones to my skin. All I wanted to do was sleep. But I mended my 'wounds' the best way I knew how. Another day to write off, try to get a good sleep so I can see what the morning brings; knowing that God's grace is upon me. My faith is strong & I can confidently expect the favour of God, pray for it and receive it.

I have to apologize for not being on here as much as I used to be. I'm still writing, but not always on this blog. There are times when I get a burst of ambition & probably a mix of mania and I start working vigorously on my memoir. It's been something in the works for awhile and whenever I get that 'umph' I take advantage of it and write my heart out. So, unfortunately this gets pushed aside for a bit. But I do check in and post when I can. I still look forward to hearing from everyone and to the day when I can catch up with all of your blogs. I do take this blog life seriously, and all of you in it! Before this wave of writing took over I would spend from morning to night reading what you all have to say.
The last few weeks have also been occupied with not only writing, but much reading. With these last couple episodes, I've found it necessary to create more balance in my life. Reading more of the Word & being focused on 'the now' is what I need. I guess you could say it's a bit of a soul searching time for me right now. ~CC

Hillsong United~ Father

Prisoner of Hope

2011-07-04T11:24:00.000-07:00

Flower in our garden. Taken July.4th weekend.

During the last week I've been trying to sort out what's in my head. There is so much I want to do but I find myself running in circles and not much is getting accomplished. I'm still working on writing for my memoir...there's so much I have done already & yet so much I still have to say. There are times my head is so jam packed with ideas that I'm surprised it doesn't implode. During the years of depression and sickness I never thought there would be a moment in my life when I would have ambition. I have a list of 'to do's' several numbers long. Sometimes there's not enough day in a day to even write. But here's the tricky part. When I get like this, is it coming from a good place or 'a Bipolar' place? It's incredibly frustrating when I think all is well and I indulge in these projects of mine but get questioned by Mike & my doctor. It's understood though. Their worries come from a place of concern & love. With a track record like mine it's obvious why asked how I'm feeling. So I have to be on top of how it is I'm feeling. Am I experiencing all the symptoms of mania/hypomania at once? If so, then I know what's going on. If I'm just energetic that day and want to get things done, no need to worry.
I found that the most effective way, besides medication, to treat my Bipolar or when any other symptoms creep up is routine. Every morning I wake up and pretty much spend time with ME. I know that there are those of you out there who may not have that time to take for YOU...but even if it's for five minutes, I think it's pivotal to our healing & maintaining a healthy mind & spirit. Yeah, there are the mornings when other tasks are put first...and did I ever get a taste of that during my move. But it's so so so important to not fall through the cracks & let crumble down what has been built up...just because of what life decides to throw in our paths.
I'm just getting my daily routine back & what a difference it has made. That inner peace everyone talks about is being restored within. We all experience it in different ways.  Whether it's just being 'at peace' with yourself, quiet and undisturbed. Praying to your higher power, which in my case it is God. Some meditate, practice Yoga and I've even found running/exercise to be helpful. When I realized what it took to keep me 'in check' I incorporated the activities into daily routine, making it a lifestyle. When my routine gets lost, I'm lost. But it's up to me to rope it back in if I want to remain on the right path.

I believe that there is too much blame 'sometimes' on the illness/disorders. The doctor says this is what you have, take this and the cycle of visits to the pharmacy & therapy groups starts to turn. A diagnosis seems to put a stamp of approval on some people to allow them to become dependent on medication, feelings of worthlessness & the inability to function within society. That was me once upon a time. A victim remaining a victim. Looking back, there were times I should have taken control back and stopped wasting away with time. But being around the environment of depression & hopelessness, it wouldn't have been possible. The comparing of meds & diagnosis's held me back as well. We can do so much 'ourselves', but still remain on meds & therapy of course. I'm not saying eliminate medication...I'm saying not to depend on it as your only hope to make life better. Trust me, it's takes more than that. I know people who've been on meds for years and are still in the same mind set & stuck in depression, negativity and a prisoner of pain. Do we want that to be us? I decided that wasn't for me.

Change. It involves changing what you put yourself in. Eating. Sleep. Activity. Exercise. Believing. Positivity. Not putting that 'label' on your spirit...because it's not who YOU are. Believing that you can heal & recover...that the dark thoughts are only a visitor. It's a small step, one step, a first step that can bring some light in. I don't want to point the finger every time I do something and say, "oh, it's the Bipolar." It takes work, but to fight symptoms & pull myself out of the dirt when I have a low day takes the control back. Some put 'us' (with mental illness) in a category and believe we are all 'crazy'...unable to function, think for ourselves, live life fully or even take what we say seriously. And I'm saying this from my experiences & hearing from others.

Even though my journey to peace, stability and healing has walked through much shame & with miles of mistakes & no regrets...there are lessons learned but a long way to go...yet, I still feel misread & misjudged. A simple visit to the walk-in clinic or dentist turns into having to dish out the ins & outs of Bipolar. The air thickens when I'm asked, "why are you taking Seroquel and all these drugs?". I wonder what goes through their minds? But it really doesn't matter, I'm starting to not give a crap any longer what people think...still, it's annoying. It's like they're asking for their own pleasure. "Oh, you're Bipolar," as a frown forms & a look of condemnation clouds the room. My credibility just went down. Isn't that awful that I go through this all the time, even though I have a grasp on my stand on society vs. mental illness...but I'm still affected. So I can only imagine what others must go through, and I know because I was there as well in my most vulnerable times. Unfortunately to get through it is pure self...we can't control what others do but we are in control of how we react & deal with the situation

Just like with this pregnancy situation. People have already asked me if I think it's a good idea to have a baby because of the medication & being Bipolar. But I'll discuss this with anyone,anywhere...it even happened at my hair stylists & dentist office. Society isn't going to become educated about mental illness & lose the stigma if we keep quiet about it...even if we feel looked down upon at the time. The magnitude of this whole med or not to med? feels as if I'm going to smoke & shoot dope while pregnant. I can't let others dictate my future. Whether it's people from my past or here in the present. Let everyone have their opinions, about me or even you out there who may be contemplating pregnancy while on meds. Even the thought of being a Bipolar mother, with a history of other disorders can raise an eyebrow.   But come on people...I'm Bipolar, I'm not crazy!   ~CC

"Use me then my Savior, for whatever purposes and in whatever way you may require. Here is my poor heart, an empty vessel; fill it with your grace." ~ D.L. Moody

Don't let it bleed

2011-06-28T14:12:00.000-07:00

The appointments with my psychiatrist are always surrounded with anxiety, dread & exposed nerves. Don't get me wrong, I love my doctor very much. She has seen me at my deepest despair to moments of stability, when we all hang on for dear life and pray that we found the right combination of medications. I am so very grateful & never take for granted the fact that I have such a dedicated psychiatrist who devotes so much love into each of her patients. What pains me most about my appointments is just being reminded that yes, I still have to be in the care of a doctor, along with meds. Going there opens up the wound again & makes it so I can't hide from what is reality. I'm sure if I didn't see her things would be so out of hand and much worse. That's why I understand the importance of ongoing care & therapy. It's going to be in my life...lifelong.

This appointment was much different than the others...and long overdue. It was brought up a couple of times prior to this, but not in much depth. Mike came with me & we were ready to let her know that it's time for a baby.

Up to this point Mike & I researched as much as we could on our own about Bipolar and pregnancy. Our main concern is whether to take my Seroquel or not? My psychiatrist has given me her opinion in previous discussions & that's to stay on...but in the end it's not anyone's decision but mine. I've been on countless sites reading what other women have to say about their experiences. It's surprisingly split down the middle. Some say they've been on a low dose of 100mg for sleep, others say they stayed on their regular dose of 300mg. There were posts of extreme side effects due to what they believed to be the Seroquel taken during pregnancy & others where there were none and their baby is healthy. Still, my conclusion is that every individual will respond totally different. It doesn't only depend on the meds but also how I take care of myself...eating, self-care, exercise, etc. From what my psych. & I spoke about in that past, Seroquel is still so new (10yrs.), that there isn't enough conclusive research to say 100% what will happen.

So what are we to do? Trust part of the research, stay on Seroquel...but what then? In another 10yrs. more studies come out & say, "Oh, by the way, we thought it was safe but if you notice 'this' in your child it's due to Seroquel." I wouldn't be able to live with myself knowing that I made a decision that harmed my child's health & future. I want to do everything in my power to control what I am able to 'control' for our child. I can't give him/her a perfect family or a perfectly healthy mother...but there are decision we can make to keep him/her safe. There are so many worries...my past, who I was, & where I came from is going to bleed into that innocence. So yeah, I may be a bit neurotic...but I have every right to be.

For Once In Your Life

2011-06-23T09:30:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to hop on here this morning before I headed out. Listened to these songs this morning & of course I had to share them. Courtney Love...Love! "For Once In Your Life" is just a beautiful life & the lyrics are moving...I've got a right to be this wrong, she has a way with her words! "Letters To God"...same thing...some days it's exactly how I feel. ~CC

Hole ~ For Once In Your Life

Hole/Courtney Love ~ Letters To God

"both songs from album Nobody's Daughter"

Baby Talk

2011-06-22T18:39:00.000-07:00

We're slowly getting settled into our new place. With the chaos of boxes & paint everywhere put to rest we can start focusing on what really matters...why we're here in the first place...in his parents home.

Since I was old enough to understand that a woman can bare a child I made my mind up that I wanted nothing to do with that entire process. So much so that I didn't even babysit or have anything to do with children. Don't ask me if your child is cute because I wouldn't think so. I never held a baby & to this day I have once for about 30 seconds. Kids making noise, creating mess & stress. Not for me. Sounds cold hearted, I know. But understand, I grew up as an only child and I was a tad different from others. Playing with dolls was last on the list of fun...cleaning my room & playing school filled my playtime. I loved cleaning so much as a young girl that one day my mom called for me..."Chantelle"...and I wouldn't respond. Finally I answered back, "My name is Cinderella."

I truly believe within the depths of my spirit that I just didn't 'like' children...but it went deeper than that. Because of what took place when I was young...I can sort of connect everything. There is a possibility that I separated myself from a child...as a child...therefore not wanted anything to do with children. It's complicated & there's more to it but that's as deep as I'm willing to dig for now.

For years Mike & I never wanted children. It was written in stone...even before I found out the Bipolar, Depression or had any breakdowns. We would live a carefree life of travel & fine living and be the favourite aunt & uncle instead. As time passed our minds changed. Friends of ours started to have children & we soon became the only ones who didn't have one yet. Personally I was fine with it...I think it bothered Mike more. Dealing with Bipolar was tough enough, I couldn't imagine throwing a baby into the mix. How could we ever do it? So let our friends have the babies. My mind was still set. And even if it changed a little...it would be changed back to NO in a hurry when I thought of the lengths I would have to go to in order to have one.

Around this past Christmas I seriously wanted a baby. After being baptized with Mike last Spring and taking my Love for The Lord to a whole other level...my life started to change tremendously. That's where the baby talk came into play. I would imagine myself as a mother & Mike as a father and get excited. Hoping for the future, involving our child brought joy & tears of happiness. An announcement was made that we wanted to get pregnant. Everyone was elated & unexpected to hear the news. Close family members understood my personal struggle with wanting & not wanting a baby. Most of my reasons not to want a child did stem back from years & years of just not wanting to take that path...believing I wasn't put on this Earth to be a mother. Privately I had other reasons, to go along with the complications of my past, who I was & who I have become. When people ask I just tell them, "No, we just never wanted children & now we do." Keep it simple. They have no inkling what lies beneath. There are those women who can't get pregnant & then I believe there are those like me...who deal with mental illness or really any type of illness. To make the decision of your health & the baby's health boggled my mind. It terrified me to the point of it being the main reason why I didn't want to even attempt at having a child.

To have a child there's the medication I would have to decide to be on or not to be on. The depression/episodes I would experience during & the high risk of post pardum & psychosis after the delivery. Not to mention after I make the difficult decision of med or not to med...if I'm on meds what's going to happen to the baby?...if I'm not, again, what's going to happen due to the mood swings & episodes I'm told I'm going to have. During the first 3 months is the most important and if I'm off meds & experience withdrawal symptoms that could be detrimental to the fetus. So that brings me to not wanting to be on any medications while pregnant...until we had our appointment with my psychiatrist Monday.

"Gratitude bestows reverence, allowing us to enounter everyday epiphanies, those transcendent moments of awe that change forever how we experience life and the world." ~ Sarah Ban Breathnach

~CC

"Like Dandelion Dust"

2011-06-14T11:19:00.000-07:00

one thousand gifts...

#34. The perfect song. LeAnn Rimes ~ What I Cannot Change.

#35. Brilliant movies that aren't the hype in Hollywood. The Independent films; the ones that slip under the radar. I still watch the Blockbuster hits but these...such as "Like Dandelion Dust", steal my heart.

I watched this the other evening when I was able to grab a moment of time to relax. I snuck a peak at the trailer on YouTube, so I knew what to expect. Right away I became emotionally drawn to the storyline. It reminded me so much of my life.

I have talked about being adopted before...but not in great detail. What happened to myself & the brothers and sisters (who I have not met) should not have happened. At the age I am, knowing what I know, there is understanding & forgiveness to both parties involved. "I'm learning to let go, love & forgive...what I cannot change."

What I know is from what was told to me as I grew up. Until I was probably 6 or so I believed my mom was my mom & my dad was 'my step dad.' She married him when I turned 5. That all shattered one day while I was sitting on the stairs. My mom was busy doing something and just told me I was adopted. It was no sit down conversation explaining the ins & outs of it all. I remember being utterly confused and asking several questions about her being my 'real' mom and who was my 'real' mom...and what was the difference? She had vague answers to my toddler inquiries. From that day on I felt that everyone around me were strangers & that I didn't belong. And those feelings just grew & manifested into what a child shouldn't have to bare.

So the mother I knew was not my mother. And the father I knew was not my father...that explained why he never told me he loved me & treated me so horribly. So who were they? Where were & who were my 'real' parents? The adoption process was still foreign to my young self. As I grew up I learned the appropriate lingo..."biological." Plus, I knew my 'real' mom was Maureen. She took care of me & loved me; that's what a mom does. In the end, it doesn't matter who gave birth to you. Of course, these are the lines I ate up for years & years. The typical stuff that I think all adopted children hear. And don't get me wrong...I DO BELIEVE THIS with all my heart & soul. My real mom is NOT my biological mom. But I didn't feel that until questions were answered & until I met her. There was this yearning inside to meet my parents. I felt so overwhelmed with questions & disbelief that they didn't want me. I started to disregard whatever my family would say about everything that happened with my adoption. I didn't know what to believe anymore. I had to find out for myself. And until that was at rest, I felt that the jury was out on who were my 'real' parents.

Just lies & lies...cover ups & more lies. Who do I believe & trust? I was told that my mom went to prison for murder & nobody knew who my father was...and to this day I still don't know who he is.

Where was my dandelion to make a wish on?

post title- from book/movie "Like Dandelion Dust" ~CC

Moved to questions?

2011-06-12T18:34:00.000-07:00

First day back and I have to say I missed writing as well as the daily reading I would thoroughly enjoy from you fellow writers. Moving has taken it's toll on my poor body. My back has this never ending pinch and my feet could use some TLC! I haven't worked out at the gym, ran or done my favourite dance class in over a week, which has been playing mind games with me. I feared that I would gain weight because I stopped my usually intense training. Logically because I stuck to my clean diet & from staying physical during the move I didn't...but the fear is still nagging. I'm sure there are some of you out there who understand what I'm going through. It's tiring. I'm constantly justifying food vs. exercise...and fell into the trap of the scale, reaching for that significant number. Numbers. NuMbErs. NUMBERS. Are my pants loose? If they feel tight eat less, do more. Why am I doing this to myself? What does it all mean anyway? I read The Word, I understand & know what's important.
I feel like when I was in treatment and couldn't exercise. It's just a psychological war that goes on in my head. To those who don't go through this, it may sound pathetic or even shallow. But to me it's not. At one point I had this under 'some' control...but it's found a way through the cracks. It's just been bothering me lately. I never really knew how much 'it' controlled me until this move happened and my routine was thrown off course...this whole 'adventure' has moved me to many questions & answers.

Anyway, I wanted to take a minute to give a ((((gigantic hug & thank-you)))) to everyone out there who has given me support through my moving adventure. The comments that I would receive via e-mail on my phone lifted my spirits before hitting the pillow after an exhausting day! We have most of our unpacking finished and now it's just about organizing, which is my favourite part.

"I have to go somewhere to get somewhere."

~looking forward to catching up this week ;) CC