I'm Not Good at Being Gay

When it Rains it pours

2011-01-23T14:59:00.000-08:00

how good can your day be when you walk out your front door to a strange person begging you for money an whatever else you can give them. I am not being insensitive to the plight of the homeless, and if you truly need help, i will help you. I am talking about the people who beg because they think it's a tax free way to make a living

Celebrity Look-a-like contest winners

2011-01-14T13:57:00.000-08:00

And the winners are!!!!

For Ke$ha!

The Winner IS!

Faces of Meth Lady!!!!1

For this Olson Twin!

The winner is!

YAYAYAYAY!!!!!

For Angelina Jolie!

The Winner is!

This Guy!!!!!

Honorable Mentions!

AND THE ULTIMATE GRAND PRIZE GOES TO

I Don't Feel Like Dancing

2011-01-14T12:23:00.000-08:00

In my family, dancing is a reoccurring theme, always has been and always will be. First of all, my father started this family trend with a grainy Super 8 video of himself dancing in his pajamas. This would be come a famous family video entitled "Paul Dancing". My sisters. Mimi and Meghan, then went on to both have speaking roles in the hit movie Footloose, and if you are an American you know that that movie is about...well dancing. Then came my gay ass, it started out very innocent. My nickname as a baby and far into my early 20's was Boogie. I earned this nickname for dancing in my diaper to "Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy of Company B". As an early teen, my brother max would catch me dancing around our living room and i would tell him i was exercising. i would do a play now and then and have to dance in it. Then, I was on a weight loss/dance reality TV show where i danced in front of a Million people. But after I was asked by my partner to go shake my money maker at a local nightclub, i had a realization. I hate dancing!

WAIT WAIT WAIT LET ME EXPLAIN!

I'm going to piss a few people of by saying this, but the worst part of the show I was on was the dancing part of it. I again have all the grace and dancing ability of a hippo that did a few bong rips. I thank god that Dance Your Ass Off saved me from an obese adulthood, but I guarantee there were better and more deserving dancers that would have done a better job.

I feel bad about all this mainly due to that fact that my partner loves to dance in the club. I hate this for about 1,000 reasons. Night club dancing to me is an odd phenomenon. It is a mixture of competition, sweat, glitter and some douche rubbing his junk on my back. Most "music" in a dance club is just a sped up version of the crappy song you hear on the radio about 40 times per day. Your average club dancer look like a combination of someone having a seizure and being electrocuted at the same time. Then you add in cover charges, expensive drinks, crowded spaces, noise that is too loud to talk over, lines for the men's room, and the vast colorful array of body odor and cologne. Ill pass thank you, the only thing that makes it even remotly interesting to me is catching a drag show.

Good drag queens can put on a very entertaining mixture of illusion and talent. Some of these bitches can dance and actually entertain. Some of these dizzy queens are entertaining without knowing it. Nothing is funnier that a drag queen that is trying so hard to be taken seriously in there performance, but is too high to remember what her boobs are full of. The golden goose of drag shows is if you can catch there junk come loose under there skin tight body suit. Hilarious!

Maybe it was my elimination dance that put such a bad taste in my mouth. I mean look at how they dressed me. Watching it back on TV, I realize what a horror show that it was. For my sake and for the sake of my relationship, I hope i can get over it. Maybe I kind find enough passion in my heart, or whiskey in my cupboard, to dance once more.

Justa workin on my fitness

2011-01-13T14:25:00.000-08:00

If you have never bought a new bed, I highly recommend it. I have now slept three blissful nights on a very comfortable mattress that I got at a very reasonable price. The best part about it is, i wake up every morning with more than enough energy to go to the gym. I am certainly no muscle head, i just don't ever again want to get to my former 260 lb self. However relationships have a way of putting some weight on a happy man and now it is time to take that weight off. I do love myself no matter what, i would just prefer to not look like i have two bags of pudding on my back. But, going to the gym has a price, a price that far exceeds the cost of the monthly membership.

I hated gym class as a kid. not because i didn't like to run around and play games, no i just didn't like the culture that gym class created. First of all, i was never really athletic as a kid. i was more the kid who loved to get all his energy out, but i had the grace and ability of Chris Farley on roller skates. Second, i never was picked first for teams, nope glasses wearing curly haired Miles was always dead last. Third, the locker room, most of my gay friends said that was there favorite part, not me. I find any locker room to be a stinky, weird, unsanitary place. The locker room is where men turn into some sort of strange beast. All of the sudden it is socially acceptable to fart as loud as you want, to call everything a bitch and for some, to walk around naked touching, scratching and generally manipulating there penis. How much more of an odd homo-erotic place can this be. As an adult this weird phenomenon has not changed, now i just am forced to pay for it if i want to work out. I have a system when it comes to going to the gym. Its a tried and true method that begins with locker selection all the way down to a shower afterward, if i have too.

When you get to the gym locker selection is key, if your locker room is broken up into different groups of lockers, select which area will be right for you. The group of lockers closest to the door is reserved for old men and middle aged show boaters. I caution against sitting on the benches in this area. After a shower the middle aged guys usually like to lotion up there entire bodies completely naked. Many times i have come in for a workout only to be greeted to a view of a guy who looks like your High School history teacher, with one leg on the bench applying lotion a little too close to an area he should lotion at home. Next are the really old guys, and i am talking really old guys. I applaud these men for keeping up on there fitness later into there lives, but when you reach that age two things happen. You don't give a shit about anything and gravity gets to your coin purse. Again, avoid the benches in this area, I have witnessed on more than one occasion an older mans jewels hit the bench long before his ass. yikes!

Middle bay is for the 26-37ish year olds. It would be the best place to locker, due to the fact that it is usually very in and out for this group, but it is always packed and sometimes you get Commander Steroids talking for 45 mins about how he "Blasted his Abs today". Usually he is standing in front of your locker and wont move. That's bad news if your tired and just want to go home.

The most out of the way bay is usually my selection due to its remote location. Only warning about that is if you work out at a gym known for cruising, you may encounter someone with more on his mind than the treadmill. Best thing to do is not make eye contact and change as quickly as possible.

Couple tips about selecting cardio equipment. Depending on your fitness level and music selection, you may want to leave yourself some space. I say fitness level because if you cough or sweat, your not flinging it around like an out of control drag queen with a bottle of glitter. I say music more for me. I like loud music that i can lose myself in. It helps me focus on the task at hand. I don't realize i am tired and want to quit because my brain is engaged in something else. But, I am a 5'10" 190 lb man with shaved head and a beard. If you are close enough you will realize that the music that motivates me is the Hairspray Pandora station. That's right, my gay ass runs and lifts weights while listening to show tunes. Don't judge me!

As far as weights go, it is a double edged sword. I like both machines and free weights, but free weights can attract that douche who grunts and screams while he lifts. It sounds like he is having a combination bowel movement and orgasm. If that does not bug you then your in the clear.

Lastly the showers. If you must shower at a gym, i urge shower shoes. Men pee, blow there nose and soap up there cracks in these showers. I would highly recommend that you not let bare skin touch these areas. Also, if the showers are open, mind your own business. Nothing says creeper quite like when you rinse soap off your face and notice that someone is staring at you while they scrub their balls. Double Yikes!

No matter where you are in your fitness do something to stay healthy. I am living proof that despite all the weirdness of you local gym, you can achieve fitness goals and be healthy. (BLech i just put that in because my Mom said i was to mean spirited in my writing)

Annual Confessions

2011-01-12T13:36:00.001-08:00

It's that time of year again. Time for me to confess all of my dastardly deeds of 2010. Well actually i am a few years behind on them so here is a combined list. Don't judge to harshly.

I often times would put gum under tales at work on purpose
I would steal a piece of hanger steak from almost every plate at Spencer's
I went pee pee in the Hilton hot tub...like 4 times
I would imitate almost every manager and supervisor i have ever had and perform for housekeeping
I blamed my office fart on the new guy.
I saved my Starbuck's cup for a week and only paid refill price
I spent most of my Team Member of the Month money on Whiskey.
I blew my nose on the bedspread of my Boyfriends roommate (he was an asshole)
i got kind of rough during a session of Slug Bug
When i was too lazy to do laundry i would throw away my socks and buy new ones
When I was on Dance Your Ass Off i would pretend to forget something in the dance studio and go back in and fart.
I smoked one cigarette every single Sunday when i was on DYAO. I would tell the P.A. i was going to buy a magazine
I grazed Janice Dickenson's boob on purpose
I once went to one Wendy's and bought Chicken Nuggets then ate them on my way to another Wendy's to buy more, just to see if there was a difference.
I dropped a baked potato on the floor at work and still served it to a Utah Jazz Player.
.I went to an audition drunk....but still booked it
I hate Jack Johnson
I think Lady Ga Ga kind of looks like a banana slug.
I farted in Kevin Anderson's Section (God I fart a lot maybe i should see a doctor about that)
I told a bird who scared me to fuck off.

that all the that I can post on the internet

Why

2011-01-10T14:39:00.000-08:00

I was told that all gay people were on a mission to try to recruit and convert all people to what they call the Homosexual Agenda.   Sounds very official doesn't it? The same people making this claim, state that all us gays come standard with a sort of jedi-like ability to mind control all you Vajay-jay lovers into worshiping the cock. We also have a fabulous Department of Interior (Design?) that Allows us to print reading materials and propaganda that we distribute like a pink thigh high boot wearing Nazi (Course our wrists are pointed down when we salute that way). Well here my friends is the problem with all of this, on cold February day about 30 years ago, a fat baby was born face up, this child would grow to become, one awful homosexual.

As I am sure you can figure out by now that the baby was me, And when i say awful, i don't mean that i am cruel or hurtful. I simply mean that if you buy into the theory that we are standing like Greenpeace on the corners asking you sign up to help save the ass bandits. I must have missed the mandatory training.    Some of my readers are my friends and family, and some of them would say "No Miles! your great at being a Homo!" "Nobody can leer at an ass better than you!" Well I did come with some evidence of said claim. And i am here to tell you, if the gays are on a recruiting mission to be more like their stereotype, I will probably be hidden from the public in some Guantanamo style prison, that will serve fabulous cosmos.

Exhibit A: Where I do All my Writing.

Currently I am sitting in the Library in downtown Portland. My current time left on this free public computer is 40 mins. I am sandwiched between a flannel wearing man who looks a little like a St Bearnard and a older man who keeps laughing at CNN.com and smells like he has a bologna sandwich stuffed under each arm pit. Do i care? nope its free to sit here and for the most part, I like the people watching. I am sure the homosexual agenda has rules against not using a public computer in a public place. I am sure I should be using an I pad at Starbucks.   Bad Homo!

Well, I am going to save the rest of my time for some good old fashion Mafia Wars (also not very gay)

See you tomorrow for more evidence against me