I'm Only Saying What You're Thinking...

Just to clarify...

2013-05-17T11:18:00.000+01:00

I wrote this post when I was mad at Lil's father, which seems to be quite often at the moment. I'm not sure if it's because he just doesn't get how hard things can be during the day or because of the mental hormones that are still raging around my body. Who knows? Either way, I felt the need to clarify a few things so I did. And I'm pretty sure other Mums feel the need to clarify the following, too...

Yeah, I went to bed at 11pm and woke up at 8:30. But that does not mean I got nine and a half hours of sleep. Oh no. Because while you were snoring in the other room, I was up at least four times in the night feeding our newborn / seeing to our teething toddler / trying to calm down a hysterical child who was just eaten by monsters in her nightmare.

This shit hole you come home to every night... Well shit hole it ain't, darlin'. For if I was to leave the housework all day and not tidy up after our sweet little child, you'd see exactly what a shit hole looked like.

The wine I'm knocking back in the kitchen? That isn't a celebratory bottle after a day of successful potty training. Nuh uh, that right there is what happens when your child tries to break me. Every. Fucking. Day.

You had a long, shitty day? Oh baaaabe. You work with a bunch of tossers? You're tired and hungry? Let me just fetch you some dinner... HOLD UP. I have long, shitty days too. And I have experience with tossers except one tosser stands about this high and calls me Mummy and I'm looking at the other one right now. I'm fucking tired from being up all night and haven't had a chance to eat all day because that tosser* has run me ragged. So go boo hoo somewhere else.

Calm down? CALM DOWN? I blast my body with hormones so I don't find myself in pregnancy hell again and you want me to calm down? You think I can control my moods? Do you? How about I'm done fucking my body up. It's your turn. No more injectable hormones or any hormones for that matter. It's time for you to have a little operation...

You know how I'm always moaning about the fact I have nothing to wear? Do you know why that is, Mr I own 10 pairs of jeans, 8 shirts and countless t-shirts??? Because I don't. Go take a look in my wardrobe, go on. Now look in the kids wardrobe. And yours. Now give me your credit card. Mama needs, DESERVES some new clothes. You forget I don't get paid a salary. Hell, it would seem I don't even get paid in love or affection anymore. PAYRISE. In clothes.

*I don't think my child is a tosser. Not all of the time anyway. My husband, however...

The pain in my ass from the shot.

2013-05-15T22:54:00.001+01:00

So here's the thing. Almost three months ago I got a shot of hormones in my ass. Because I don't want to be pregnant and I don't like periods. So it's worked out well because I'm not pregnant and I haven't had a period BUT I have gained weight (sorry, I'm a superficial arsehole) and my skin resembles that of a thirteen year old girl. LOLZ.

No, not LOLZ. I'm not happy. Mainly because I'm full of raging hormones but also because I feel like ABSOLUTE shit. I snap at everything, I can't stop eating, I have indigestion like I'm carrying triplets and I just can't muster up the energy / give a fuck enough about it all to go to the gym. And the gym is my happy place, what keeps me out of that big, black, depressing hole. So basically, I'm fucked. I'm hungry, spotty, hormonal and fucked.

So there I was, naively thinking that at the end of May when I'm due for my next shot of bullshit, that I'll skip it and all the nasty hormones will leave my body and I'll do a big sigh and all my spots will disappear and the weight will melt off and I'll be a body of calm. Well. Turns out that ain't gonna happen. I know someone (hi, that someone) who had ONE SHOT which ended SIX MONTHS AGO and she hasn't gone back to normal. Either she's a raging loon (she isn't) or this is just a bit effed up (see how I've stopped swearing? It just goes up and down all day long).

So I'm swallowing evening primrose oil capsules like Lil swallows smarties and drinking over the recommended dose of water every day but still I'm grouchy and spotty and I have sore boobs. And this could go on for MONTHS.

And so I turn to you, I need your help: who else has experienced this and what did you do? Did you carry on with the injection? How do you feel about these hormones you put into your body? When does it run out? How long, TELL ME.

Tradition.

2013-05-12T17:56:00.000+01:00

Contrary to popular belief (and the fact that I can be a total gobshite sometimes), I'm a traditional girl at heart. I think making and keeping traditions is super important too.

One tradition I grew up with was visiting a part of Spain with my Grandparents as a child. They had friends there and their friends had a grandchild too, Giovanni his name was (and I was totally in love). We went almost every year and I have very happy memories of our time spent there. I took Lilian with my Grandparents for the first time when she was five months old and we've just booked to go back there in a few weeks time but this time, unfortunately, without them. I can't wait to show her places I visited as a kid and play on the same beach my brother and I first ran around on twenty years ago (ugh - old).

Another tradition, a new one, is Friday and Saturday night disco. This started about three months ago and is the brainchild of Lil and her father. Ever since she was in utero, I made a point of listening to a lot of loud music and I like to think I've played my part in her obsession with music. The kid loves it. And it's a perfect way to wind down on a Friday night after a sometimes shitty week. As soon as dinner has been eaten, it's party time.

Normal disco attire

And another? Family weekend. We have a HUGE family, both mine and Tim's parents are divorced so we try to do the huge family rounds every month but what almost always gets left out is family time, the three of us as a family doing things as just the three of us. I think that's the most important time of all so every month now I book an entire weekend out on the calendar. We do something or nothing but either way, it's just us three.

Down time

As the years go by, I'm going to create more and more family traditions and I hope that Lil will carry them on when she's an adult. (Funnily enough, I'm just about to start a 1200 word assignment on tradition - nowhere near as fun as my traditions though...)

What are your family traditions?

Your day.

2013-05-12T08:30:00.000+01:00

Us lot over here in the UK had our Mother's Day in March but Lil and I would like to wish all you Mama's in other parts of the world a very Happy Mother's Day.

Image : Flannery o'kafka

On Pirates and Power Rangers.

2013-05-10T09:39:00.000+01:00

Just recently, Lil has shown an interest in pirates (my Dad fought one once - oh yeah, true story bro). This pleases me greatly because I like a pirates (not actual real baddy ones, just ones like Captain Jack Sparrow).

We are currently in the process of collecting enough cardboard boxes to build a pirate ship for her to play in. I thought about making a hat and a parrot and a cutlass but I ended up turning to Amazon - good ol' internet.

I uhmmed and ahhed for about four hours over whether on not to buy her a cutlass. It appears to be harder these days to buy things like swords and guns (toy ones) in shops. We searched high and low in Wilko's, the pound shop, Sainsbury's etc. Nada. And then it got me thinking (I'm fully aware I'm not Carrie Bradshaw), is it because of all the violence that goes on these days that we can't just pop to the shop to buy a cutlass?

I think sometimes we all just need to calm the fuck down.

When I was a kid (here we go), that shit just didn't phase anyone. My brother had (toy) guns and swords galore. Power Rangers were in and we used to fight each other all the time (I'm also aware there is a five year age gap between my brother and I but sometimes when you're ten, boyband lusting and skipping ropes get dull... pretending to stab your annoying baby brother is way more fun and there was totally no malice involved... LIE). We didn't grow up to be psycho murderers and the like.

Go go POWER RANGERS

The other day, Lil was watching old school Looney Tunes and there was violence in one scene. 'Oh blimey,' Lil's Dad said, 'Do you think we should switch it over?'. ER....WHY? Because she might hunt down some dynamite to shove up our arses when we're asleep and set light to it? Nah. Let the kid watch it. The world has gone mad.

Anyway, back to pirates. I ordered the cutlass and I think there was a pistol in the pirate kit too. I'm just gonna let my kid enjoy being a pirate and (pretend to) shoot the dog. She can sail the seven seas as much as she likes and fight other pirates (her Dad) with her cutlass, it doesn't mean she's violent.

Let kids be kids and enjoy their childhood. Cutlasses, pistols and all...

It's for charity, dahling.

2013-05-09T12:34:00.000+01:00

Remember last year Lil participated in Barnardo's BIG TODDLE? She just about managed ten minutes of toddlin' before she got tired and demanded to be carried. In her defence, she hadn't long been walking. This year, however, she has no excuse. Yep, she's doing it again.

Like last year, she's doing it in honour of her Papi (my Grandad) and hopefully we can beat what we raised (£685!!!!!). This years theme is nursery rhymes and fairy tales, no doubt she'll want to be a princess or a pirate...

If you'd like to sponsor her, you can do so HERE.

If you'd like to find out about a Big Toddle near you, have a look HERE.

Please take a moment to check out all the fantastic work Barnardo's do and where all the money raised goes. They truly are a wonderful charity and Lil and I are honoured to be a part of the fundraising process.

A reminder.

2013-05-09T12:00:00.000+01:00

Filling in the spaces.

2013-05-09T10:35:00.001+01:00

My stay in teething hell has meant I haven't had the energy to write about shit. Not actual shit, stuff we've been up to. So I thought I'd fill in the spaces with pictures.

Spiky penis plant - gardening is the new black

Stylin' her WMM dunga's

I'm the mother at making Mojito's

Early morning sunshine has meant we get our shit together and are out the house by nine thirty. Go us.

Mother / daughter coffee date

Playing outdoors - this one is definitely an outdoor baby

MM Post

MM Swag - It isn't as bad as you think. Except for when they throw a tantrum and then throw up.

Skateboard painting with the amazing Indikidual

Cooking is like therapy for me - Sweet potato, red lentil and spinach dahl

A rare picture of Lil's parents

A spontaneous dinner opposite Canary Wharf

Sick

When you just want to tell everyone to go hell.

2013-05-08T17:41:00.001+01:00

You know you're having a low day when you get to five thirty and you still haven't bothered to brush your teeth or comb your hair. I'm not sure if it's because we've had a string of lovely long, sunny days and then I woke up this morning and it was tipping it down with rain or just.... family.

Family dramas, family bitching, family rows. I'm sick of it. His family, my family. I'm starting to take people dumping their problems on me... not very well. I just want some peace and quiet. I'm quickly wishing we were back in Derbyshire and not just for a holiday. The plan was we were going to leg it up there and not come back. But that plan didn't really go to plan. It's a bloody good plan but I just cant bear to leave my bloody amazing grandparents. When you've had two constant people in your life, keeping you sane for as long as they have... well, I want them in Lil's life as much as possible. And plus, my Grandad is THE BEST baker. And also the reason I can't shift these spare 3lbs.

Did you know in America you can divorce your parents?

Anyway. I'm tired from being sick, and grouchy from eating nothing but crap all day. I wish I could tell everyone to go to hell and leave me alone. I want a quiet life, empty of dramas and full of smiles and positivity.

D'ya think Santa could help me with that?

YOLO.

2013-05-08T11:03:00.002+01:00

As I sit here at the kitchen table, coughing and sneezing (THANKS LIL), I feel anxious. Lil is drawing a picture and feels the needs to colour over the stickers she just stuck down... 'Lil NO NOT ON THE STICKERS'. I get a dirty look. A similar scenario to when she mixes the Play Doh colours up. I mean, that shit just isn't on. And then at the weekend, she got covered in paint. As I watched in horror, her Dad shouted across 'It WILL wash out, don't worry'. It did wash out.

I guess I'm trying to give you examples of how... highly strung I am? How I can't just let her get messy and fuck the Play Doh colours up. It hurts my brain. And I'm sure I'm not the only parent who's like this. DON'T JUMP IN THE PUDDLE, GET AWAY FROM THE MUD, DON'T TOUCH THE ANTS.

God. I'm sick of it. It's exhausting. My Mum never gave a shit if I got paint down me, so why am I so bothered? I need to chill out. So I've decided that from today, she can get as messy as she likes. I'm over stressing about stupid kid things, she's exactly that... a kid. Kids get messy and find it satisfying to mix colours and get mud all down them. You only live once, so I'm going to join in and get messy too.

Here's to mess, ants, mud and letting her be free to express herself...

Effin back molars.

2013-04-30T21:02:00.000+01:00

I appear to be slowly suffocating under a blanket of exhaustion, uni work and tantrums at the moment. Which means I don't have much to say other than when the fuck will these back molars cut so the blanket of foggy bullshit rises and I get my toddler and my life back?

Since the middle of last week I knew something was up with this kid. She'd gone from being delightful to a devil and just wasn't having anything other than her own way. And then it clicked. We were four teeth away from a complete set, it had to be the bastard teeth. The epic three hour nap she took yesterday and not so epic three hours of sleep I got last night confirmed that. And then there's the streaming cold...

If this is the return of nap time then I owe the toddler nap gods, big time.

It's exhausting, isn't it? Just taking care of someone other than yourself is mental work but when that someone is a raging, snot encrusted two year old who only wants to play in the Disney store or watch Wiley videos (don't ask)... it's exhausting. Newborn exhausting. Last week I was going to bed at 9pm. That hasn't happened since I was pregnant with her.

She might be miserable but she's still making me LOL.

I'm doing the Calpol / Nurofen thing and trying to distract her with anything I can think of... cake making, play doh (I even let her mix the colours up, now that was painful), stickering, drawing on herself (yook, tattoo mummy!), letting her destroy the house etc etc.

When she's finished teething, we're going to have a party. A massive rave in the Disney store. Effin teeth.

Cookie (and biscuit) monster.

2013-04-25T20:50:00.000+01:00

I luuuuuuva de cookies. So does Lil. Sometimes (you will want to vomit at this confession), I will sit and eat 5 cookies. Five big cookies from Sainbo's bakery. Yep.

Tesco's cookies are lame, Morrisons are thicks and soft, Asda's are too chewy and Sainsbo's are perfection. Double chocolate chip are my favourite. Oh yeah. And as for Lil, well.... she eats cookies too (if I leave her any). She favours white chocolate chip but will eat any. So when I found out a friend had jacked her job in to bake, kerching! We'd hit the jackpot. My arse recoiled but OH MAN, I'd just have to work harder at the gym.

Ladies and gentlemen, I introduce to you.... Cookie&Biscuit. American cookies made with fresh British ingredients.

And here is the lady behind the amazing cookies and biscuits (yeah, they're amazing... I've tried them... they beat Sainsbo's hands down). Mama to the beautiful FJ and former NY girl, Danae gives us the down low on Motherhood.

NAME Danae Dade

OCCUPATION Owner of cookie&biscuit, mum, family manager

COUNTRY OF RESIDENCE UK

WHAT DID YOUR LIFE CONSIST OF BEFORE YOU BECAME A MAMA?

Lazy days on the couch, shopping, eating out, late nights on the dance floor and trying to score passes for NY Fashion week.

HOW HAS BECOMING A MOTHER MADE YOU A BETTER PERSON?

Having Frankie Jean has made me more patient, and has elevated my multi tasking skills to super hero levels.

WHAT ADVICE WOULD YOU GIVE A FIRST TIME MUM?

Try to sleep when you can, and make sure you have time for yourself. 2 things I didn’t really do until months after baby was born and I was near a breakdown. A nap and a manicure will do wonders.

HOW HAS YOUR WARDROBE CHANGED SINCE HAVING A BABY / CHILDREN?

It took me a while to lose baby weight so I have a bit more leggings and stretched out cotton basics than I would like to admit. But I am actively working on wearing real clothes again these days.

CAKE OR BISCUITS?

I love all sweets, but I’m a bit biased so cookies&biscuits!!

WHAT OR WHO INSPIRES YOU?

Cliché, but my mom has sacrificed her whole adult life to my brothers and I . She raised us all by herself, with very little money but a lot of heart and I only pray I can do even a fraction of the same for FJ.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SECRETS OR TIPS TO MAKING MOTHERHOOD THAT BIT EASIER?

Running has helped keep my nagging hormones at bay, its amazing what a trot around the block will do for your brain (and waistline) Cheapest therapy out there. Also, playdates and meeting other mums- there are so many groups here in London, (Mothersmeeting, London Mothers Club, Clapham Mums etc). oh and of course WINE.

Cookie&Biscuit are on Twitter, Tumblr and Facebook.

The E word.

2013-04-24T21:14:00.001+01:00

Lil has eczema.

Ok, so it isn't as bad as it could be and for that I am grateful. But there is still time for it to get worse. Yes it's common in children under five and can affect 1 in 10 (I've done my research) and... oh god, the anxiety. The doctor waved us off with a giant tub of Epaderm and told me not to worry. Do you know who you're speaking to, Doctor?

After talking to my Mother-in-law, I learnt that Tim also had eczema as a child (I did too) and unfortunately, his asthma could be result of that (but more likely it definitely is) for they are linked. She told me the story of how the doctor gave her lotions and potions to try on him and that she did. Unaware that the creams were pushing the eczema inside his body, she continued doing what she was told was right. After lots of research she learnt this is possibly the reason why he has asthma (but this is just an individual case, all cases of eczema vary as do treatments for each) So, she said, ditch the crap the doctor gave you and read up about alternative therapies. So I did, for hours.

First of all, I bought the Ecover laundry liquids we'd previously used, in bulk. I'd gotten lazy with this and after it had run out, just bought non bio and fabric softener from the supermarket. Then I ordered some balm to use instead of the Epaderm. I switched the shampoo and body wash to this and ordered a sun cream that was recommended by dermatologists for children with eczema. Phew. And then, as recommended by this FAB website, I ordered some pro-biotics that were also recommended to me by a Mum when Lil was suffering from a bad stomach (thanks Leonie). I've also started to think about making a switch to entirely organic clothing. Lil has a few pieces already and as time goes on I'll add to those, I won't go crazy and chuck out her existing wardrobe (for now!) because it's organic clothing isn't the cheapest but it's definitely made me think more about what she wears after reading about the chemicals in clothing and also an article on how organic clothing can help eczema (thanks to the amazing Jenny at KyNa Boutique). So after spending a lot of time reading up on how to control the eczema, it's now time to put these products to the test.

(What I'd also noticed was, when we were away in Derbyshire Lil's eczema had completely vanished. And within days of being home, it had returned and got considerably worse. I'm now having spaz attacks about what it could be... the smoggy southern air? The dog? The awful thick carpets in our rented house that I have to hoover almost every day? Her picking up on my stress, thus stressing her out?)

It's only been a few days so I can't really comment but I'll keep you posted. I'm not an expert on eczema and my decision to use a balm instead of Epaderm is entirely my own. I'm not in any way saying that it's wrong to use any types of cream on eczema for I'm not a dermatologist - this is just something I'm trying out to see if I can control and hopefully cure Lilian's eczema. Just a little disclaimer, innit.

When your mate does a book.

2013-04-22T11:58:00.000+01:00

I have a friend, let's call her Aimee. She's short, like me, and extremely funny (like me, RIGHT?). We have a lot in common (booze, annoying kids, love of crisps and cake and sausage sandwiches) and do you know what? We haven't even met in person yet. Now if she were a man, that would probably be wrong on so many levels. But I love her and she makes me laugh a lot. We are like SOUL SISTAS.

So, this Aimee... she did a book. A novella, if you will. She's good at writing and stuff, really good. When she told me she was doing a book I got excited because I knew it would be funny. And then she sent it to me and I was like...... OH.

OH YEAH. And I related to it all and it made me snort in places and actual snot flew out of my nose on to my laptop. Yep, that's how funny it was. Because, like I said, she's funny. And not many people make me laugh these days, I blame old age and cynicism (I get that from my parents).

Her book, 'Survival of the Ginnest' (see what she did there?) is about Dottie Harris. Before she had kids she lived the indulgent life we all once led before we sprogged. And then she had kids and she had gin. The book follows her journey from childless to marble-less (totally a word) through Facebook updates. And I feel like a massive div for telling you this but at times I actually went to press 'Like'. See, div.

You can buy her book over at Amazon for your Kindle or i-Pad thingy that you read off of or any other tablet that substitutes books these days (PAPER BOOKS FO' LIFE, YO - although I do read stuff on my iphone so that makes me.... a hypocrite?)

Go take a look, have a read. Be a div and try and press 'Like'. You'll laugh, thats fo' sho'.

You can see what Aimee is up to (when she isn't ginning it or texting me pictures of sausage sandwiches) here.

P.S She didn't pay me to write this. I don't take bribes. Not even booze bribes.

A perfect time.

2013-04-20T18:52:00.001+01:00

The week before last I thought I was going to have a mental breakdown. That isn't an exaggeration, it's a fact. Lil's illness almost pushed me over the edge and I think I was pretty close anyway. That bastard black hole opened up again and I felt I was losing control.Anyway, It was perfect timing then that we had a break planned and it was pretty lucky that Lil had recovered by then.

So we effed off to the countryside for a week, Barlow in Derbyshire to be exact. And sweet Jesus was it a welcome relief.

Our Neigh-bour. Sorry.

Our back garden.

Sarah and duck QUACK - Lil is PETRIFIED of ducks

This kid got her appetite BACK

Excited about her first time on a steam train. Lasted three minutes.

We had such a lovely time, I haven't seen Lil as happy as she was this past week. And I haven't felt as happy as I was on this trip, not in a long time. Instant relief washed over me as soon as we arrived and I felt as though I was a million miles away from any drama or negativity. And I didn't feel anxious, not once. Ok that's a lie. But my only anxiety was about the massive fucking spiders I kept seeing in the cottage. Other than that though, I had a perfect time in my perfect place. And now I'm not there anymore? I can feel my heart pounding inside my chest and a huge sense of dread. So now what? Well, I guess you should watch this space...

And then she was TWO.

2013-04-17T20:33:00.001+01:00

And what a shitty time to turn two. Like her first birthday, she was sick and I almost lost my mind. Almost.

Trying to distract her from the 'sick whine'

Instead of taking a shit load of photos, I drank a shit load of wine and prayed for my best girl to get better. Better luck next time, Lil.

Spring beds.

2013-04-16T17:31:00.002+01:00

I'm a sucker when it comes to bed linen. And quite contrary, but then Mary is my middle name. One minute I want granny florals and then I want plain white. Six weeks later I lust after bold colours and then not long after that I want stripes. It's never-ending and expensive.

One place I never have trouble finding duvet sets to fall in love with is John Lewis. I've been known to spend quite a long time browsing their online bed linen section, umm-ing and ahhh-ing over which is going to make the cut this time... much to my husbands dismay. Here is my pick of new sets for Spring.

Aztec

Astrid Flower

Lolita

Lovely, aren't they? And perfect for brightening up those spring days that aren't so spring-like. What's your favourite?

*This is a sponsored post but I loved JL bedlinen already, love love love.*

Through a different lens.

2013-04-15T21:24:00.001+01:00

When your favourite photographer takes your daughter's picture in your favourite city, you feel blessed. Very blessed. Thank you Andrea, from the bottom of my heart.

All images: Flannery o'kafka

Be back soon.

2013-04-08T20:19:00.000+01:00

This viral infection of Lil's has broken me, well and truly. I need to get her better and then work on fixing myself so we're going to take some time out until all is well again. Don't worry, we'll be back soon.

Image: Flannery O'kafka

In the meantime, go take a look at Flannery O'kafka and see a few snaps from our trip. We got them all back today and my heart almost burst out of my chest. God she's good. So good.

Laters xoxo

The night before Two.

2013-04-06T17:37:00.001+01:00

Bubs!

Here we are, one year later. Hours after writing a letter to you on the eve of your first birthday, you became very poorly with gastroenteritis. We had to cancel your party and spent the next few days in a vomit drenched haze. And now here I am again, the day before your birthday and we've had to cancel your 2nd birthday party too. You have a nasty viral infection and my heart is broken once more. You little monkey, you certainly know how make me worry. I've had my heart in my mouth since day one.

In a way, not a lot has changed in the past year. Other than you and the fact that I am now more neurotic and anxious than I ever thought I could be. I love you more but then that isn't hard. Even when you kick me in my C-section scar (it still hurts sometimes) to remind me who's boss, I find it hard to stay mad (but that shit hurts so stop it). We still have the most amazing fun but you can speak a whole lot more now. I still watch you sleep, share my bed with you, sing to you...

Mental hair, don't care.

I've learnt a lot from you. You've taught me to curb my swearing (boy what a lesson to learn), to be more compassionate and forgiving (although I'm still struggling a bit with this one), that everything takes lots of hard work and that negativity is not something we want in our lives. I'm studying for a degree for you. I palmed it off as being for me but let's face it, that's bullshit. I want you to be proud of yo' Mama and even if it takes 12 years to complete, I ain't gonna quit. I want you to feel the proudness I feel of my Mum and I'll do anything I can to make you happy (yep, even stand in the Disney Store for an hour while you dance to the music).

The most important thing you've taught me, though, is that time will not stand still. Every second I'm with you, I soak you up. You consume me, every single part of me. I don't want to miss a moment because you are so special and you fill my life with a joy I never knew existed. I love that you keep me sane yet drive me up the wall. You are the reason I don't just exist, I live. And I love you to infinity.

Happy second birthday, beautiful girl, You're amazing xxxxx

Pleasing others.

2013-04-05T12:57:00.002+01:00

I've always been a people pleaser, even as a child. I don't like upsetting others and because of this I've often found myself in the middle of dramas, trying to defuse the situation.

As I have a large family and because my parents divorced when I was a toddler, Christmases have been difficult. Well as a kid, anyway. My Mum and Dad both wanted to spend Christmas day with me but it was impossible and someone was always going to be upset. Disappointed. Christ knows how many times I've heard that word...

I still find myself trying to please everyone and this became even more apparent when Lil's first birthday was approaching. Everyone wanted to spend the day with her, my family and her Dad's family. It didn't matter that she was our daughter and that maybe we wanted to spend the day as just the three of us. Spending the day with both families would be a nightmare and I'm speaking from experience! I don't want her birthday to be a stressful day. But I totally got why they wanted in on it, she's pretty amazing. The same goes for Christmas, we are always going to upset someone. Always. But now I realise, I have a child and all that matters is her happiness.

Poorly bubs - get better! I want my little joker back.

Cancelling her second birthday party (she's unwell) has caused tension and no doubt has sent my blood pressure through the roof. It was going to be two hours of both families together. I won't lie and say I was looking forward to it but we were doing it for her. Anyway. People are disappointed. I'm upset that she'll be sick on her second birthday because her 1st birthday was a bit of a disaster too. It can't be helped she isn't sick on purpose. She's a toddler and she'll pick up any bug going. And do you know what? I don't care who it disappoints. I don't care that in the future, someone will be disappointed with the decisions we make. I don't care because I have my own little family now and they are all that matters. As long as my daughter has a smile on her face, nothing else matters. I'm going to stop being a people pleaser and ensure that I please my family. Because they're the important ones.

The things you do.

2013-04-03T10:55:00.001+01:00

Handing me a towel when I've finished in the shower - 'here you go Mummy' to which I reply 'thanks baby', except now you mock me so it goes 'here you go mummy, thanks baby'. Monster.

'Love you Lil... Lil.... love you... LIL, LOVE YOU'
You roll your eyes... 'Luh you too' you don't mean it. You say it to shut me up and that makes me smile.

'Pay your money...' - I've let you watch Pearl the Landlord too many times. Let's hope nobody calls Social Services on me. Ah what they hey, all in the name of laughter. If there is only one thing I teach you it's fuck the haters, Lil.

You mix the Play Doh up and it really irritates me. I should probably see someone about that... OCD in overdrive. And the glitter, oh the glitter. Craft time brings me out in a rash, I hate the mess that goes with it. But you have so much fun so I'm working on letting go.

'Mummy tuddle' when you're tired or unwell. Your patronising, but sweet, pat on my back.

You watch me put my make up on and demand your go. But you're beautiful Lilian, you won't ever need make up. Mummy only wears it to hide her tired eyes.

When we go to Yo! Sushi for dinner, you gorge on sticky rice and 'pwarns'. There is nothing more amazing that watching you enjoy your food, a rarity at the moment. Fill your boots, wonderful child.

'Morning Dave'. Dave the zebra, the best purchase I made. You're good friends except for when you're grumpy and then you throw things at him. Poor Dave.

I love you.

Little Wolff

2013-04-01T00:02:00.000+01:00

It's lovely to know that people on the other side of the world read this blog, it really makes me smile. So when Lila got in contact, I was so happy - a reader from Australia, a part of the world I wish I could disappear to, marvellous!

Lila is a study at home Mama (Architecture) with three children (wow - amazing) aged 20 months, 13 and 17 years who, with her husband, is renovating their run down house with their own hands (wow, wow, wow - super Mama!), Her blog, Little Wolff, is about art, motherhood, renovation, gratitude and occasionally she rants about the things that get under her skin. It's such a lovely blog and it's interesting to read how other mothers across the globe do things.

I asked Lila a few questions and she gave me some pretty good answers but you can read all about her little pack and more here.

NAME Lila Wolff

OCCUPATION Architecture Undergrad / Mama

COUNTRY OF RESIDENCE Australia

WHAT DID YOUR LIFE CONSIST OF BEFORE YOU BECAME A MAMA?

I first became a mama at 17 so school and a lot of stupid teenage stuff like moving 330 kilometres with only a backpack full of stuff, getting pregnant and moving back home.

HOW HAS BECOMING A MOTHER MADE YOU A BETTER PERSON?

It definitely made me stop and think before doing things; I also feel that being a mother at different ages has taught me different lessons. I’ve written about what I’ve learnt so far here for anyone interested.

ASIDE FROM CONCEALER, WHAT CANT YOU LIVE WITHOUT NOW YOU HAVE CHILDREN?

The love and support of good friends, if I didn’t have the sympathetic ear of my best friend there are times where the exhaustion and stress of being a mama would have been too much to bear. It’s so important not to let motherhood isolate us.

WHAT ADVICE WOULD YOU GIVE A FIRST TIME MUM?

Follow your instincts – if you have them, it’s okay if you don’t, this whole parenting thing is not natural for everyone. If you’re not sure what to do seek out people who you know have raised good people and ask for their advice. It isn’t weak to need or ask for help.

HOW HAS YOUR WARDROBE CHANGED SINCE HAVING CHILDREN?

It’s a lot more haphazard and a lot less expensive! I keep hoping I’ll manage to look put together again one day but for now there are other priorities like our renovation. Unless of course the fashion fairy comes along to sort me out sooner, I can dream right?

CAKE OR BISCUITS?

Yes Please! I’m really not fussy when it comes to eating cake or biscuits I like both a LOT.

WHAT OR WHO INSPIRES YOU?

My husband, who completed his law degree in three years and became one of the country’s youngest lawyers at 22, and has won his first Supreme Court case in the beginning of his second year of practice.

Dame Zaha Hadid, her architecture and achievements give me hope for my future career.

People who are living what they love, or at least trying to.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SECRETS OR TIPS TO MAKING MOTHERHOOD THAT BIT EASIER?

When that why phase is driving you nuts (and unless you’re a saint it will) try to go with it and use it as the jumping off point to teach your children to think critically. It might not seem like it but if you teach them to think this way you will have a much easier time when they are teenagers because they won’t let others do their thinking for them.

Don’t sacrifice yourself. It doesn’t do you or your children any favours if you always put yourself last. If you don’t give yourself space and time for you as a person you’ll end up burnt out and sad and possibly worse you’ll set the example for your children to undervalue their own needs when they grow up. If you devote some time to yourself you can recharge which makes it easier to parent.

Lila is on Twitter

An odd feeling.

2013-03-31T23:01:00.000+01:00

This Easter weekend, although not over yet, has felt rather odd. I'm not sure if it's because I'm coming down with something or maybe it's just a combination of too much booze and far too much sugar... I don't know. I just feel weird.

Boozy night out.

And anyone else f r e a k i n g out about this whole Korea business? I mean, I have enough to worry about. One more anxiety attack may send me into the crazy house... Maybe it's a combination of feelings that are leaving me all crazy weird. I do have a mental uni deadline this week too. Maybe that's it....that fucking Dr Faustus.

Freezing cold Easter Sunday walk.

Or maybe, just maybe, it's this bloody weather. My bones are cold and I can't get warm. All I've done is drink tea this weekend (and wine). Maybe it's the caffeine?

Attempting this recipe.

Perhaps, and this is just an idea, perhaps it's simply because this time next week my beautiful, infuriating monster of a child turns two. Maybe that's why. Because I don't know where the fuck these two years have gone and I don't how I feel about being the mother of a two year old. I feel odd, we've established that. But I feel something else. Sad? Anxious (all day long)? Am I freaking out? Yeah, you could say that.

Oh to be the mother of that newborn baby again.

Due date.

2013-03-26T10:08:00.001Z

This time two years ago, Lil was due (she didn't arrive for another 12 days). I know it's naff, the whole 'this time two years ago..' but I've been watching videos of her as a baby and I'm upset that I didn't appreciate those days as much as I should have. Mother's of toddlers: weren't those the easy days?

I used to sit and watch her for hours. Now if I sit and watch her for five minutes she gets the arse and I either have to play whatever game it is she's playing or 'go away'. I miss the newborn stage like you wouldn't believe.

Where did my due date go?