Imaginary

B.o.r.e.d

noreply@blogger.com (Nux V) — Thu, 26 Jan 2012 09:54:00 +0000

Yes, i m bored in the office!!!!!

not b'coz i got nothing to do here but there is aplenty that i dunno how to start with!

and i got no one to turn to b'coz most of my colleague are on LEAVE! and some having long breaks after CNY...such a bliss!

On the other hand, while i m stil figuring out how to do my tasks, it seems like my mind is wandering far and day dreaming of my future...on my career path...

If things go according to the horoscope, i will expect fortune, prosperity and health...

Plus a series of favorable incidents, such as...

Accolades from workplace, during the first half of 2012
A change in location or a new job opportunity, scopes and opportunities would be in abundance.
A promotion in May/June.
$$$ more than expected...(oh wow!)

Well, i do hope that all the above listed will be realized in 2012...and so far, it is onli the first month of 2012 and i already got one of them granted! How magnificent!

but i hav far more ambitious thoughts being visualized here...

i got a green name tag as officially the project "Manager"
being assigned a personal room
winning trust, praise and accolades from workplace
on par with K and G
being granted to travel to Tanzania for a project rollout, Hong Kong for Cartes Asia Exhibition and Germany for AFIS rollout...haha, how greedy me!
The 3 monkeys being kicked out from PMD office, working under their nitemare boss 'T', less nuisance around in the office.
Having G to be in PMD and seeing him more often...perhaps both of us having a room each...wuakakaka!
5 figure pay cheque pouring in...

So, do you think this is SOLID enuff? Not only it is as solid as rock, but it MUST be as real and can be felt "brick and mortar"...Praying hard, and hope that all things go well...Bless me, AMEN!

Depressed

noreply@blogger.com (Nux V) — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 11:24:00 +0000

I was deeply hurted by many of her remarks, it is like verbal abuse and it is still hurting me deep down inside. I wonder why such people can be given a chance to live on earth?

I just hope such kind of person to perish on judgement day.

What wrong hav i commit till she hated me so much? She has been tinking too much of me taking authority over her when i hav never tot of doin so...

and this remark really sent me into frustration "now someone is thinking that i m not respecting her!"

omg! how hurtful this word is when i m only suggesting way of improvement...I didn't expect she couldn't take criticism openly...so narrow minded of her!

But to bombard me with such personal word during the meeting in front of sub-ordinates and boss is really a cruel verbal attack.

And now, she has been 'bribing' everyone to create her own gang and sort of 'identity' in the dept which is very unhealthy. It seems like she only invited certain people to join her for lunch...and with me being excluded from the circle!

Isn't she very fake when previously she genuinely inviting me for lunch some time back?

Now, she is treating me like an outsider. I m being exclude in every discussion, chat, sharings...all sorts of activities...And she onli include her so-called 2 loyal sub-ordinates now in whatever she do and whenever she go.
She has been blocking me from seeing more info on her FB.
Few days back another caption that she wrote in FB sounds like a malicious attempt.
She no longer praise and mention me in her group conversation.
No longer being include in "that proposal".
Being constant verbal attacked. Such as the one in the meeting, another in boss room...things she blurted out from her mouth "We already acknowledge that she is no longer in the team"...and "We dun want to listen about her in this meeting"...Well, clearly and obviously she is treating me as an outsider now.
She is arrogant with just her lil' experience ever since that historic project that gained her fame and confidence in front of director.
Well, it is obvious that she wants to be 'tai ka che', to win and wanting to control people, but seriously she will only give bad influence and example to the naive fresh grad...That is not how working life should be...she is full of FAKENESS! once she tinks you have no value, she will ignore you and put u into cold storage!

But anyhow, on the brighter site, i shouldn't be bothered by this, my aim is still to be in Project Rollout team, and involved in the implementation. Well, I have already stand a high chance of being based oversea and earning 5 figure...and it's time for me to also be independent and free from heavy workload commitment so that i could concentrate on my self improvement...

I have plenty to do, which is to improve on my communication skills, to improve on my verbal and speech skills, to improve technically on multimedia and graphics....to get a PRINCE2 and PMP certification and to become an official Project Manager with Green Name Tag!

There are just so plenty of them, which i hope one day when i come back, i would be able to become a better and more superior person and to win back influence from others.

The Conversation

noreply@blogger.com (Nux V) — Mon, 16 Jan 2012 15:57:00 +0000

Someting really brighten up my day today. It is a conversation between my ex-colleague who is damn good technically with strings of certificates...

And somehow he praised me for seeing the potential in me in moving forward. He kept on mentioning that it is a waste of me to be in Lotus Notes team last time and if given a choice, i will be the first option to hire. Anyhow, seemingly now he is already a manager with good reputation in his current company, i may have the high chance of getting in, just that he wanting to leave that company. No fate!

Besides criticizing me of being wasted in LN team, he now doin the same to my current company...hahaha...

Well, conversation as below:

11:23pm
i still see it is a waste for u to work in ur current company, i got impression you can do beyond thing

Great that someone is still praising me despite now i feel like a 'trash', doing all sort of trash work just becoz someone doesn't recognize my talent.

Nay! im gonna show them soon how good i m technically and how street smart i m if given the opportunity!

Praise the Lord, Hallelujah!

noreply@blogger.com (Nux V) — Mon, 16 Jan 2012 13:56:00 +0000

Well, it seems like my prayer has finally answered!

First of all, my day started out gloomy...just b'coz i did the right thing for myself. I stand out and raised certain issues in the meeting table and well, as expected being condemned by my teammate, just b'coz i m telling the truth and stand up for my own rights. I know my gut will get me into trouble with her but i don't mind as i m now indirectly telling her that "she don't have the rights to manipulate and control me." Again, she has been too arrogant these days despite only mastering a lil' technical stuffs. Anyhow, i shall give myself a pat today as i finally stood up on my own as an AM and telling the team that i m not someone who is 'soft' and easily manipulate by subordinates and i will raise any issue which i dun find comfortable with! I will definately feel sorry for myself if i m to keep quiet and continue in letting her torture me with her manipulative words and thoughts.

Anyhow, there is definately some consequences of my doings, is that now she has been forming a team to side her, by building mutual relationship with people around, and those whom she tinks can help her climb. Well, typical office politics! Anyhow, let her be coz sooner or later she will also being move out of the department into another department, and all her effort will gone to waste!

Nevertheless, i m thankful to God coz He finally answered my prayer of getting into my dream job, being a Project Manager (despite i m not a manager yet!). Well, the restructure has helped me just in the nick of time! And i prayed hard that the 3 monkeys leaded by the monkey queen will moved to the Zoo at 3rd floor and battle with the rest of the animals there.

PMD does not deserve these sakai people around who keeps on yelling, stepping on people, and acting fake with monkey face! They are just too fake in brushing people's shoe! These people are being swayed in doing some other social network thingy and not focusing on their work!

The most happiest thing is that now everyone knows that she is a careless staff who keeps on doin mistakes in bid as the director teased her in the meeting room! haha! And being the idiot her, she still have the mood to laugh at herself without knowing that is actually a warning tease!

And well, the director finally acknowledged me as some quality worker who can do work, and help him in projects. So, the bid team separation wasn't a bad thing at all...at least i dun have to juggle with 2 sites now and i can focus fully in doing project and at the same time getting rid of those animals who are getting wild as time grows!

Not only the director knws that i m now handling Senegal, he actually asking me to look into one part of the implementation in Tanzania project as well, joining the big troupe of skillful and talented projects personnel. It was indeed a good chance for me to mingle with the technical guys and be part of them. And one nice thing is that i hope to be based there at least a few weeks so that i can visit safari with my dear colleague who is sitting next to me and perhaps foster a better working relationship with him, the kind fella who is technically sound. Well, the safari trip has to be realized by this year as it has been long planned! Life's gonna be adventurous and i foresee there will be a lot of learning curve for me in the real world in project implementation! It is not just an opportunity for me to grow maturely in handling issues but also to improve my communication, negotiation and also some street smart skills!

And well, with the bad apples being thrown out to dustbin and me being promoted to Projects and with lucrative allowance and chances of getting promoted by my own effort..i m more than happy and on top of the world now!

Office Politics

noreply@blogger.com (Nux V) — Fri, 13 Jan 2012 21:23:00 +0000

I'm stucked and realized that i have been into this office politics, unintentionally! Some sub-ordinate launched somekind of physho attack which puts me into a depress mode. It seems like this drama queen has been trying to manipulate my career path and even my personal life!

Well, such a good try of her playing such thing on me, but i m robust enuff to sustain her 'malicious' cum 'jealousy' act.

And i wanting so much to thank my dear ex-mate, A and a new fella whom i just got to knw, G for being there to retain back my confidence despite this difficulties.

A has been a great listener and supportive to my calm action. She even wanting to complot with me in my so-called 'acting' when dealing with that drama queen.

G, on the other hand was jst a stranger a few months back, it just happen that he is so kind enuff to come over and offer his tuition services for 4 hours plus! I was indeed surprised too, coz all i did was emailed him some questions and he answered fully in his reply mail. But on top of that, being so kind enuff, even asking me to call back if i dun understand his email.

While i was still digesting the facts, he showed up at my place, well, i guess some kpc people might have noticed that and teasefully grin on us, but heck cares...

I was...speechless coz there is still a kind fella who is willing to share his knowledge and offers his time and expertise to help others despite being a recognized figure in the office.

And i guess that drama queen might have gone jealous enuff coz she has to go over to look for his expertise meanwhile i managed to get him here and patiently entertain my all sort of stupid questions for hours.

Well, i knw it the moment she text msg him but not me, just to check on us...darn! see, tis drama queen is too mch into my personal life! i was wondering...when she put this kinda statement in her txt msg to him: "Project A is so big scale also i dun spent mch time for that...". And guess how he replied her?

that is the most interesting part, coz it finally shows that he side me more and accolade my abilities & interest in seeking knowledge.

I begin sensing the green-eye in her.

It seems like I quietly won the game today.

Mirror...Mirror...on the Wall

noreply@blogger.com (Nux V) — Fri, 13 Jan 2012 20:32:00 +0000

Mirror...Mirror...on the Wall

who's the prettiest and fairest of us all?

"Yours truly"

Mirror...Mirror...on the Wall,

who's the most successful and dynamic person among the team?

"Yours truly"

wuakakakaka!

i m so darn thick-skin!

Living a F.A.K.E. life

noreply@blogger.com (Nux V) — Wed, 11 Jan 2012 14:03:00 +0000

My current life is all about fakeness, talking sweet to people i dislike, acting cute and nice to sarcastic people and being used and using people abilities for own gains...

Isn't that not fake enuff?

I just hate it when she keep on pestering me to go into Proj. despite knowing it will be a pile of shitty life! and being happy for me just b'coz i fell into her 'trap'!

I m very pissed off at this moment coz she can do it so well...getting everyone's trust, being 'fake' happy and completed things, though some are just our 'effort', but somehow all those are now parked under her name.

I m just so reluctant to show her too many stuffs, giving her the 'fame' to show-off with those skills that i took long, many sweats and effort to learn, just to be superceded by her. I feel very damn depress rite now!

She is another drama queen who is vying for attention, vying to be top of her politic game, and all sorts of dirty tactics just to be popular by buying people gifts and treating them meals! isn't that like buying people's trust with $?

Well, worse still is i can't stop her, but seeing her becoming so much into this is a real threat, not b'coz she can gain popularity so fast, but it made me feel like a loser since i m a total opposite person who is trying to be one good communicator.

She can get things done for herself easily, while spending more time on her social networking while i m here being her 'coolie'? no way!

Camwhore (Part 2)

noreply@blogger.com (Nux V) — Mon, 09 Jan 2012 13:51:00 +0000

Some 2 months back...in a hotel room...

adjusting the mode

adjusting the angle

first attempt:

picture came out too serious

second attempt:

too smiley ;-)

and final attempt:

alrite, tis looks best

and here it goes, my facebook profile picture!

Camwhore (Part 1)

noreply@blogger.com (Nux V) — Mon, 09 Jan 2012 13:06:00 +0000

Last holiday was spent bitchin' around and found some nice clothes to b.i.t.c.h with in the fitting room!

Do i look good in this turquoise leopard print cheong sam? this would be my CNY 2012 fashion of the year!

and how about my X'mas 2011 look?

or abit of formality?

do u like it?

okay, enuff with bitchin' and back to the real world!

I don't know what's goin on...

noreply@blogger.com (Nux V) — Thu, 15 Dec 2011 15:53:00 +0000

The shoe that i bought with no regrets, the shoe that follows me out abroad, going thru the difficult days, came back in shape and still tough for the journey ahead...

i bought this with hesistant, tinking it might not fit my feet...

but nevertheless, it performed well enough up to my trust and flexible, be it rain or shine...

durable yet nice in shape despite going thru many rough & hard surface

Somehow, i told my boss of my intention of goin into Project...it may hav fallen on his deaf ear. I mean, yea, he pretended nothing happen, and keep it to himself without even relaying my wish to the big boss, selfish him!

I knw both of them hav another plan for me, that is to keep me in the current team and push me to become the team leader...which is so not-my-wish...and contradict with my future direction.

And now, my boss has informed the big boss about my direction, it seems like nothing can be done due to the situation of lacking manpower in my team...I still hav to stay abit longer and be patient for the time to come.

Not oni that, my decision of goin into Project has been supported by many, even my so-called future 'boss' whom recommended me to be part of his team...

Now, is like 2 managers fighting for subordinate, which is me. And it was seconded by my teammates plus another colleague who is working under my so-called 'new boss'.

I was mesmerized with that kinda support that i got from them and the trust, blessings from them about me moving into a new team. Somehow, it is now been delayed or mayb, it just another false hope?

I HOPE NOT.

I wish it is real this time. I can't afford being cheated once again. I just hope i can move onto Project beginning of next year...Fingers crossed!

But i m sort of upset coz everyone here has been treating this as if nothing happened. Of one party requesting me to be in his team and another who has voiced out my intention of leaving my current team. I hope the 2 managers agreed with one another and with the consent of the big boss i hope to be able to transit smoothly, though both managers are under his supervision.

And i wish that the new fella that they are about to employ is not someone to take over Project, coz i overheard that the new gal's salary is like 6K? omg! that is way lot for someone to replace me. I jst dunno, coz regardless the new fella is in Project or Bid, or somehow about my level which is hired to replace me...she should be lesser than my salary, shouldn't that be? it doesn't justify well enuff and is like disrespecting my ability!

It is unfair to hire someone who doesn't know about the company stuffs and pay them higher than the seniors in the company, rite? rite? I just wish they dun hire her AND PAY ME the 6K instead! darn stupid idiotic selfish boss!

so here i go...

i pray for a 6K salary

i pray to be in Project Rollout team

i pray to be stationed in Africa and earn 5 figure allowance

i pray for these to be realized in the beginning of next year

i pray for career advancement

i pray for recognition, to be escape from my mundane and dumb-like job that made me even a dumb-bell

i pray for promotion

i pray for everyting that i could wish for in my mind rite now...which is all about my CAREER

and hopefully if things goes well,

i would get a house of my dream!

amen!

Lost

noreply@blogger.com (Nux V) — Tue, 22 Nov 2011 15:01:00 +0000

Of all sudden i felt weird coz...

I am LOST...

and well, yes, my idol is engaged and is getting married soon. So nice that he has a blissful life. And it is unfair that he has all the time to plan his proposal in HK! why on earth some ppl have so much blessings, $, power, health, happiness, relationship, recognition and all such???!

The one and only guy that i found 'special' is being taken. And stupid me for not even knowing he is seeing someone all these while made me even more lost. Well, he is good in pretending!

PRETENDER who can win an Oscar award!

Don't u think is superb?

anyhow, say it whether it is foolishness, but i still find him attractive despite being 'taken'! At least he is still flaunted by stylish girls...

well, i wouldn't be one of those stylish girls, coz for me they are jst bimbo, with no brain! i m gonna walk my way, stand on my own ability and put my head up high, the arrogance that has to be on par with his...I dun care if people is seeing me as his "stylish, brainy, smart and aggressive" assistant, but i m gonna have my own style, that supercede his. And now, I may not have the experiences on certain things, and things doesn't help when he purposely let me bang on the wall. Well, so it goes, i banged on it, i woke up and i do it better next time. No crying, complaining or whatsoever, i jst need to do it stylishly, and confidently.

Jst that i hate it when everytime he keep on showing that he is better than me, DARN!

But i believe i would be far more better than him if im abroad just as him. And he who doesn't have to spend time to do writings and time-consuming operational work will jst have more time on studying and polishing his skills...The world is unfair, he got more reading time than me, while i m the one doing all the hard work fetching information to furnish him! Isn't that unfair!

And worse still, he is being spoilt by big boss who told him not to touch operational task! wtf??!!! asking us the lower ranking ppl to do all these but not the manager alone??!!! that is not leading by example? that is spoiling subordinates motivation. Imagine having boss walking around chatting while the subordinates are jst working like hell. And these 'kuli' jst having no chance to polish their skillset and knowledge coz they dun have time to hang around to observe, dig info and study whatever they wish.

And to tell u the truth, i myself have plenty of line-up studies that i need to do, jst that i dun have the time coz i m too tied up with operational work.

SHITTY JOB!

and SHITTY BOSS!

and my SHITTY SO-CALLED IDOL.

but he is no more my idol. Just wish him and his other half a failed marriage!

meanwhile, i m gonna out from his supervision soon, jst need to be patient a lil' more...

once i m out of him, i m gonna fly my own way, walk my own path, make my own decision, and observe the world, learn the curves, research on my study list....all sorts of things that i wish to do which i can't at the moment....

at the meantime, talk like him, be arrogant like him, stylish, flamboyant, pretentious (plus keeping my private life confidential) and all sort of things that get me into the centre of attention...jst to be on big boss 'A' list!

thank you very much!

Heartbreak

noreply@blogger.com (Nux V) — Tue, 15 Nov 2011 12:40:00 +0000

I am jst too upset when i heard of that shocking news. Is like a knife stabbed into my fragile heart...leaving it bleed profusely and with no mercy.

Not that i m exaggerating but that's what happening emotionally rite now.

Well, i guess my decision to leave bid is a rite move. Reason bcoz:

No reason to stay in bid when i dislike spending so much time thinking how to string a proper sentence, which divert me in becoming a dumb bell.
Witnessing all the unfair treatment and privileges of some while i myself working like hell.
No chance to build confidence due to my job nature as a writer and not negotiator, hard to get recognize when one is quiet.
Managing too many things in the current situation.
Little pay, for a humongous work.
Doing boss job when he himself is lingering around socializing and building up his profile.

And my decision to join Project and based in Africa is a wise choice, coz:

I dun have to see boss criticizing us when he himself is full of weakness. At least i m not the victim or the slave being misused by him to build his confidence and ego.
Well, he is capable in some areas (detailed, good memory and witty brain), somehow it made me feel 'small' when seeing him showing off his egoness in front of all senior staffs...and having him talk like the same par with management. Not seeing this would lessen my wound.
Earning 5 figure.
Testing my endurance of staying abroad.
Earning better career name since i will be based abroad.
Earning better reputation among friends and peers coz not much people can work abroad what more in an exotic country.
Build up my confidence level with improved management and communication skills.
Financial freedom and able to buy what i wish once i got a big pay cheque.
Being special for only once-in-a-blue-moon available in office.
Have to be independent to gain myself a green tag, since i no longer under 'his' canopy. Trusting my self-capabilities and putting myself to test.
Can go safari and other places around Africa, being an expat in foreign land.
Feel proud of being like 'him', someone with ego, influence, $, and owning nice things, plus got to enjoy life to the fullest.

But, some drawbacks of going into Project team is that i will be parted from my usual colleague in the office and cut-off from all the gossips. I will no longer be able to:

Join them for meals daily.
Get involve in birthday bash.
Join company dinner.
Join team lunch.
No longer being offered a room (symbol of reputation), since i no longer in bid team.
No longer a 'big sister' in the team.
No longer stand a chance to get green tag, coz everyone in Project is competitive and that my Project superior is strict plus non-influential.
No longer stand a chance to travel around various countries. Is just like when all these travelling opportunities came, i m like so hard to let go...

But Africa can't wait, there is hardly a second chance. It was my lifelong ambition of becoming Project Manager, and that i m smelling power of climbing up the career ladder, to be on par with 'boss', not to be under him all the time. Not to be manipulated by his word and his abilities to twist my emotion. I wanted to smash him kaw-kaw this time round, though deep down in my heart, i had some feeling for him.

But that is history, coz now he is a married man :-(

Ok fine. Sometimes i feel like crying when seeing everyone around has their other half while i m still single. Well, i have been working too hard to achieve my ambition and neglecting my personal needs. Now that i have finally achieved the targeted status (Asst Mgr, team leader, allocated carpark in the compound), wealth (above 5k below 30 years old, plus phone allowance), travel opportunities, trust (from boss), respect (from subordinates), ultimate body weight (from what i had since last 6 years back), i oni realized that everyone around has been married, have family and kids, but me - totally '0'!

Career-wise i'm successful in front of subordinates and colleagues, but personal life i m a total loser with nothing...no relationship, no BF, no one to cuddle with and lifetime partner...

It is jst so hard to choose...And i have chosen material over personal-life...

Opportunities doesn't come twice...

noreply@blogger.com (Nux V) — Fri, 04 Nov 2011 20:09:00 +0000

How true is that?

Jst right after i uploaded my last post, my boss sent an email asking me to take up the room next to his...

I mean well, i tot he was joking coz he is sending such email in the wee hours in the morning.

But personally, i believe i m not suitable to be seated in the room YET.

Not onli it hinders my interaction, but also i will be bored to death as it cuts-off all my up-to-date gossips and rumours that i used to have in my current cubicle place.

And, i will not learn much if i m being isolated from my teammates.

But thinking again, opportunity doesn't come twice...and that room is very tempting, jst that i may not be ready to move in yet...I need some time to grow and prepared with the loads of responsibilities in order to be seated in that 'room'.

And so, i rejected 'it'. But i m glad that i have once been offered to be seated in a manager's room, at my young age of late 20's, is somehow beyond my expectation.

Happy weekend :-)

One step nearer to my G.O.A.L.

noreply@blogger.com (Nux V) — Wed, 02 Nov 2011 18:56:00 +0000

All these while i tot that he had betrayed me by giving false hope. Nevertheless, he hasn't forgot totally what I have told him earlier, about my career direction and my hope of joining project. I'm unsure on how near i m towards my goal is when he finally mentioned that he will help me on this, but which it also depends on the situation, or otherwise i can't be released. But what i could see is that he may be reluctant to let go a good assistant. I firmly said "Yes", about my decision to leave the team. Felt abit heavy hearted as i had already built a strong bonding with the team, but nevertheless that is not the job that i want. No point working and pretending as if i like the job when i m not. And talking about pretending, i have no choice coz i m on the top and i ought to show my enthusiasm on my work else the juniors will tink that this job sucks. Yes, it sucks indeed! And that's the reason i m finding my exit point!

Met with an ex-classmate today, was surprised to hear her saying that i have looked slimmer now. But she in fact looked more "lady" with her long straight hair, up until the waist...something i couldn't foresee in her.

There will be strings of occasion & events coming by, whereby i need to meet quite a number of people and be more presentable, and perhaps as commented by a guy colleague more "stylishable".

My list of events:

16-19 Nov: Hanoi?

27 Nov: Classmate wedding, unsure to accept invitation

4 Dec: my big day

11 Dec: Cousin wedding

17 Dec: Company dinner, theme: Masquerade

25 Dec: Classmate wedding

I got strings of wedding invitation which i m unsure if i m to attend. And there is a biz trip which i have yet to prepare. And somehow, i need to get a jab by this or next week. My usual life will be jam packed this time. And not to mentioned, ever since coming back from the last biz trip, it seems like majority of the people knw me by my name and who im working under...Seems like someone here has given me some publicity during my absence. Law of attraction?

Anyhow, if things go well, i will be based in africa next year. Hopefully this isn't a false hope...

If it works, i would very first be glad to my boss for letting me go, for pursuing my dream of becoming PM. At least i knw there is one good fella on earth who has paved an oppurtunity for me, rather than me having to fight on my own with no outcome. Well, life is unfair, we all knw that, and i'm dying to live out of that unfairness. And i m very firm with my decision this time, that i wanted to leave this place coz seeing so much of unequality around made my heart sunken. And what sank me most is that i m always the unlucky ones having to work backstage all the time while the "chosen" ones get to enjoy benefits of travelling around, and doing lesser. I want it to be the other way round, of having people working for me instead.

Deeply hurted

noreply@blogger.com (Nux V) — Fri, 30 Sep 2011 17:43:00 +0000

I cried coz:

Career-wise,

I have been strong for too long. Is 7 months long enuff?
Witnessing so much of changes around, being sorry for those who 'perished'
Glad that i m still surviving, and experienced the 'climb'
Feel threatened with rising talent.
Feel threatened with inability to cope.

Personal life,

Have been secretly admiring him for his quick & witty brain, observant, good memory but that is a one-way affection.
He has done so much to build up my confidence, being dynamic and positive.
Knows my weaknesses.
Sees what i sees in others, 'make' me to see what i have yet to see in his 'shoe'.
But his superb abilities made me feel 'small'.
His ignorance made me feel neglected.
I do not stand a place in his admiration list.
and i felt deeply hurt for the one way affection/admiration.
and i dun want to look 'small' and 'fragile' in front of him, trying to keep my cool and being invincible, regardless of how disastrous some issue might hit.
being jealous of his other half, or whoever whom he is now with.
too tired of the entire social drama he is playing.

Is there any return condition?

Heartbreak???

noreply@blogger.com (Nux V) — Sat, 10 Sep 2011 02:19:00 +0000

Ignorant is a bliss. Despite having load of tasks to do, i was like taking my own sweet time typing out blogs...and wasting my time in blogosphere!

And to day-dream of...

him.

Is he interested on me at the first place? does he has another half at the moment? Did he really went holidaying with his ex?

All this has been mingering in my mind now and then, i hope the answer is nope for my last question. It was such a heartbreak when i gotta knw that...

Yes, it hurts so much to be in luv with someone. Especially when it is a one-way type. For no reason, somehow, I could be so much infatuated to him...not bcoz of his good fashion taste, nor his car or his scent, but mostly of his inner dynamic spirit in keeping things going and in control. And well, he is sort of the guy whom i knw who has an eye for details and sharp observation with good memory. One in a million that i could find in the entire universe or should i say, so far, I could only encounter him as the only person of my type!

and someone who jive with my thinking.

But too bad, he might be already attached...or mayb not...or mayb seeking one...or mayb....

there is jst too much maybe's

Maybe i shouldn't think too much and focus on my work...who knows my works could impress him alot???

Nostalgic

noreply@blogger.com (Nux V) — Fri, 02 Sep 2011 17:13:00 +0000

I dun want to feel nostalgic but somehow i tot of him at this very moment. Each time, when he is about to travel abroad, it made me feel hopelessly thinking of him to the extend that i lost my focus. He is someone i shouldn't fell for, not becoz he is taken but he is someone untrusted. And despite telling so much lies around, i m still very much his fan. Being spelled? I hope not. Just that he has been nice to me, helping with my career and i sort of owed him. He is extraordinary dynamic person who has all the soft skill in becoming a leader, which he is. I was glad that he wanted to shape me into that, to follow his footstep, jst that i m not ready to become one. Till now, i m still unsure if this came true from his heart, but he shamelessly mentioned that his advice is purely from his heart and it is meant for my well-being. And that his heart breaks whenever i work late? sure or not??? I knw he wanted me to excel, but why is that so?

But each time he says that, i felt challenged, coz he put my self-esteem to that bottom as if i dunno how to manage things and that i have to follow his order to get things in order.

And the bitter of all is that, he kinda think i dun knw how to enjoy life! Darn him. So now i pretend i got a BF and i got a life, and he might tink so too, coz now he starts to distance himself from me. Kinda upset.

There is jst too much nostalgia running in my mind now, from the moment i got to know him early this year, how our relationship blossomed and turned sour. Everything was jst a zest when i first got to know him, coz he gave me that positive aura in life. Event like,

That congrats sms which i got 3 months back while having a one-day leave.
The praises that i got directly and indirectly from him (thru colleagues and big boss).
That very sweet smile in the elevator.
The false hope of getting into project team.
The constructing advice.
The way he express his hope (in a joking manner) that he want to taste my brewed coffee.
His lunch treats. And i was surprised that he let me try some of the food on his tray.
His good memory (jst like me).
His trust on me.
His extra soft way in dealing with me. I knw i was emotionally harsh, but he can still calmly spoke to me, not the usual way he treat others.

I was confused with all such, it seems like he is showing his affection but in way he isn't. It is jst a superior-subordinate concern over here but sometimes i felt it is more than that. Is weird coz in a way i hated him so mch but at moments I kinda think of his good deeds. I wanted him to see me as an invincible person, and having a high self-esteem, thus i acted confident and jst as arrogant as him. But perhaps i have been too cold that he shy away from me? He seems like far and out of reach now...and i m deeply hurted.

Beyond the Realm of Conscience

noreply@blogger.com (Nux V) — Fri, 02 Sep 2011 16:21:00 +0000

Have just finished watching this series. It was such a long series with many backstabbing and politics in the ancient Chinese Palace. Anyhow, i would say Tavia Yeung has done great job in portraying the villain Kam Ling, or knwn as Concubine Lai...

She looked gorgeous in her makeup and outfit despite being a villain!

Anyhow, i m not here to comment about the series, but overall it was good. Full of tactics and survival skills, but somehow too bad i felt sorry for Kam Ling coz she has gone insane while chasing her dream. And the last episode showing her being put into seclusion. Being too alone, she was even happy when seeing 2 kids passing by. She humbly proclaimed to be her good buddy 'Sam Ho', and even started to think herself as her good buddy. I just love the way she acted 'insane'.

The series made me ponder upon myself, does material matters? I dunno. I m still chasing over that 'dream'. In the whole procees, there might be people whom i may have offended or betrayed. Sometimes i may be pretentious. Being nice to the superior despite him/her being a sucky person. It goes beyond my conscience, despite bountiful rewards. It was kinda accelerate the "ladder climbing process" if to practice such. So, how do you decide? Moral value (cantonese 'sam') or money value (cantonese 'kam')?

Wondering

noreply@blogger.com (Nux V) — Fri, 12 Aug 2011 18:23:00 +0000

I have been wondering lately if he ever thought of me? Coz sometimes i do felt tht my "inner sense" clicked with him, and that he once mentioned before tht it seems like there is some 'umpph' between us both, which i can't deny.

There is jst so much of coincident lately that more or less related, and somehow it's abit scary when seeing things are inter-related to each other and mostly revolved around him.

Anyhow, after some 'arguing' incident over his management style, I sort of renewed my 'relationship' with him. I treated him extremely serious, yes, the professional corporate way of how subordinate treat boss, since it is the way he wants to be! or at least i want it to be, formality.

I believe firmly that is the kinda treatment he wants. In return, he treated me with well respect too, at least i can sense that he don't shout/yell/humiliate publicly of my mistake in work, which he normally does to everyone in the team. Trust? Yes. I knw he trust me more than anyone else, coz he clicked with me! And somehow, i can sense that he knws what is in my mind, coz it seems like many times i wanted to talk to him (over some issues), he had in fact bring the matter up earlier before i confront him.

Working with him isn't an issue, I knw very well of things he wants by just one short instruction. It was for real, coz the idea jst crossed my mind when he mentioned that, with full accuracy.

Sometimes i felt he is interested in me/my life/my stuffs/my abilities/ and it seems like my fashion sense suits him too. Sort of 'his type'.

Some verdict:

He saw my new android phone and wanted to have a look. Saying it was a good choice, and commented how much it suits me, someting like "smart phone for smart people". In a way, he was praising me as 'smart'? It felt great coz someone who is smart, recognized me as smart too.
I can fully understand what he wants to calculate or explain and i m able to response back with my lengthy calculation which i tink seldom people can understand and weirdly enuff, he could!
And i purposely wear skirt to work, and somehow he commented "you look different today". Oh great, he noticed that!
Also, he noticed it too when i cut my hair.
A colleague told me that he treat me differently compared to how he treat her and another new subordinate. Mine was like sort of respect despite he was actually scolding the other 2. I mean, like both of them were somehow being dragged to his angry lecture (scoldings) for half an hour but when i joined in, he immediately toned down the scoldings when commenting statement to me, in fact he said it that "i m sure you knw what i want". And somehow yes, i knw it jst by joining the meeting for only 2 minutes, and somehow the colleague who has been there for 30 minutes got the wrong concept. I kept on saying that her concept is not the one he wants, and well, i was correct when she confirmed that again with him.
He praise or indirectly praised me when seeing me guiding the newbie, someting like, "she is teaching you now, sooner you will learn fast".
He praised me again of my diagram and writeup, saying it was good. And nothing much to comment on my financial calculation which he sees only minor error. And this time he was talking nicely to me, softly and with much concern.
Surprisingly he asked if i m overloaded, asking how many hours i slept in a day, whether he is pushing me too hard, and correctly guessing i was still in the office in the wee hours in the morning. And when i voiced my concern, he sort of got the meaning there, coz he 'sees' that i m being dragged with alot of issues in the office these days.
He knows that i understood his work and calculation without problem. And of course i did check his work! I m gonna scare him with my audit.
Sometimes i think he overpraised/over-expect me of my performance. Is like certain things i may not even knw or done, he jst assume that i already knw or have complete.
He listens to my opinion in hiring new teammate, or on how certain things doesn't work well in the team.
Sort of able to sense when i m 'enuff' with his egoness, and he will not disturb me with the teasing. And now, with me treating him so seriously, he has also tone down the nonsense in our conversation. Sort of mutual respect.
I knw he is up to someting, and i believe he knw i m up to someting. And both of us knw each other well and what each other is thinking. Just that we don't share it in conversation. And i can firmly believe that "both of us know it isn't the time to be in a relationship". Sometimes i sort of suspected him of seeing 'other' girls. But with that 'trust' feeling that i had on him, it immediatey vanished.
I still feel that he sees me as 'vibrant, high class, smart, mysterious, professional, tasteful' person.
I jst felt he treated me differently coz of the attitude and smartness that i had, he sort of paying me some respect compared to the others. And my colleague sensed that too.
He seems OK when i arrived late to work, coz he knws i deliver my job, with quality and on time.
To him, i performed up to his expectation, accuracy in calculation, good write-up, good taste, dedicated on work, trusted, perfectionist, and he knows i dun sleep unless i finish off my task.

So, how do i called this? Mutual understading, mutual admiration or jst mere infatuation?

Hopefully i m correct this time.

But then?

noreply@blogger.com (Nux V) — Mon, 25 Jul 2011 13:02:00 +0000

I’m so darn reluctant to work, coz it’s Monday and I find it hard to start on my ‘brain’. It’s like being stuck and my mind seems to divert to entertainment more than work!

And somehow, his words are still lingering around my head…well, I had a closed door session with him again, and he told me so many things which is so true, coz that are the stuffs which I wanting to tell. Just that he took one step earlier.

Among others are like:

1. Lacking of communication between me and him, coz I dun seem to approach him to discuss matters before taking action. “So, it’s my fault again for miscommunication and not asking enuff question to clarify matters?”

2. He encourages me to approach him, regardless of how frequent it is, not just limited on technical matters but also on other areas. “Isn’t this a bit too dependant? I’m of different level now and I can’t be too dependent on people’s opinion or decision, as I have to stand firm on my decision making too.”

3. That I’m his assistant and I should by right act as one, meaning has to approach him more often than others coz I m his ASSISTANT. “Excuse me, again, I m not a personal assistant, and this assistant is just a name to a position, and the job scope still like normal, jst that level of responsibilities has added, but definitely not an assistant to someone. Well, difference between senior and Assistant Manager…both are jst ranking and u can’t say that AM is the ASSISTANT to MANAGER.”

4. That my communication skill is below par. I don’t mingle much with others as often as the rest. “Well, this one I agree. But that is my weakest point. How the heck can I improve within a short time? I have been figuring this out for my entire life but to no avail. And now that I have a junior to guide along apart from my usual job, how do I find enuff time to socialize?”

5. Asking if I m overloaded, and feel free to alert him if it does. “Yes of course, u know that rite? But what can u do??? Again, complaining isn’t worthwhile coz he might tink I m reluctant to work, so nope, EVERYTHING IS FINE HERE”

6. Inform him of anything, feel free to give opinion or walk in anytime, call or sms regardless of time. And that he value my opinion, which he mentioned the recent hiring was based on my opinion. “wow, acting so generous eh? Sure or not eh? I tot he is jst a stubborn and ego boss? Weird!”

7. He is unwilling to see me staying till too late, it breaks his heart. “wow, who the heck cares I stay till tht late? I enjoy it so mch. Moreover if I dun finish off my work, I will be in deep trouble the next day! And by then dun blame me for being incompetent!”

8. Saying that I got no life. “Well, partially agree. I do have a life, jst tht I dun want to commit coz of job responsibility, and I got various interest jst that I dun find enuff commitment to pick up my interest for it will be only fulfilled halfway thru, as many times I have to put aside due to something else.”

9. All the above words comes from his heart, not because I m being evaluated based on my communication skills. “Sure or not??? Later when appraisal, sure damn hentam me till I get very low marks coz I dunno how to speak! Anyhow, I appreciate that kindness if it is true that he cares for me”.

10. That he trusted me and he promoted me because of that. “sure eh? Then that is a total failure, promoting someone based on trust is very risky. It has to come with capability of that person in handling other stuffs, which I’d say I dun have that yet. So, by right I dun deserve it, but again I love money more than myself, so I have to accept”

A Joke???

noreply@blogger.com (Nux V) — Tue, 12 Jul 2011 12:56:00 +0000

I had a weird conversation with him and another colleague today. It's like a teaser but somehow it seems like he is serious when saying it.

Here was how it's like:

Him: The new colleague is in. Feel free to give her task, but not til askin' ppl of brewing coffee la...

Me: Of course we wouldn't be so cruel to our new colleague!

Joyce: Yea, this gal here never ask me to do such dirt cheap thing before...

Me: and who knows it's the other way round, me brewing coffee to Joyce

Him: (while looking @ me). I have been secretly admiring u and hoping u could one day brew me coffee instead...

Joyce sensed that it may be a joke hence to safeguard my awkward moment, quickly 'counter' back his sort of 'joke' with another reply.

Joyce used to crack such jokes (involving "admiration") as teaser and he might be using the same method to counter back us. But why isit on me this time? Was it a joke or real?

My intuition tells me that he might be interested on me, mayb not head over heels, but in some way such as my credibility.

It has been a few times that my six sense has been accurate and i hope i dun go wrong this time.

I Hate this Feeling

noreply@blogger.com (Nux V) — Mon, 11 Jul 2011 13:22:00 +0000

I felt betrayed, by him.

I felt stuck in here, doin things that i dun like. And i wanted to break free from his control, egoness and pride.

I think that the world is going nowhere.

I wanted to go higher, climb the corporate ladder, break every obstacles and work abroad.

And changin' my lifestyle, knowledge, skills and status.

At least havin' the same level as him and not 2 levels below.

I wanted to be sophisticated and not being tied down being the same level as everyone else...

and i wanted to own my dream car

in an unrelated matter, it's such a small world.

I felt that he knows quite a number of people in my circle.

Popular???

i don't know.

Things are weird with so much coincidence lately

GASP...

Pretty Faces

noreply@blogger.com (Nux V) — Fri, 08 Jul 2011 08:10:00 +0000

I feel good when people address me as 'pretty' or 'elegant', though the latter doesn't suits me @ all. Despite being a moderate looking person, somehow, it feels great, whenever a colleague calls me 'leng lui'...wuahaha, thick skinned me!

and nowadays i somehow feel like i'm part of the good looking people around, coz people paired me as the 'sister' of another good looking gal whom i used to be very close with. Yea, like sort of twins! We had same height, body figure, and well, shoulder length hairstyle...Ok, its all about hairstyle, texture, skin complexion, facial figure and body and abit of sophistication in dressing up. I may not have the ideal one, but well, it's almost there. So, what's with these features? It ease my job in getting things done and abit of jealousy around! wuakakaka! (evil laugh). Ok fine. Anyhow, she is one of the pretty gals in Sales dept while i crowned myself as the prettiest in my dept, wuakakaka! (so darn thick skinned me!). So, whenever we stand next to next, is like the twin 'beauty' sisters. The burger seller even addressed us as 'twin', to my surprise! alrite, i m the younger version of her, with a much cuter look such as this...

cutie pie rite? i luv this kind of smile. While, she is more of the elegant lady (which i m trying to achieve), and she looks more of like this:

both of us are kinda rebellious, so we tend to adapt such look during our bad-hair days

mayb abit of seductive look when it comes to luring handsome boss?

just another crappy post!

Sky High

noreply@blogger.com (Nux V) — Wed, 29 Jun 2011 12:58:00 +0000

I knw it's inappropriate to blog about job over here, but somehow, whenever someone in the other dept sees me, they will eventually ask about my boss whereabouts. Well, i mean, they see me as "boss's very close assistant"! and when he wasn't around, immediately they channeled their question to me, disregards me knwing a single thing!

Anyway, today is another joyful day.

Other than my incomplete task, today is considered a good day becoz:

A colleague finally realised her 'wrong philosophy' after listening to my 'lecture'. And i m glad she sees it as her problem rather than differences in working style. And she thanked me for that. I hope I have settled her for this final time.
Managed to get another few to sign a farewell card for another colleague who is about to leave.
Being noticed and accepted by people, which includes those whom i "bump-head" last time while encountering some issues at work. Sudden feel of being popular.
Had 'partially' organized a luncheon gathering within some colleagues in the department.
Big boss notices me again. He seems to approach me alot these days on asking stuffs. And he treated me with utmost respect rather than 'shitty response' which he usually done on others. Being a 'concerned boss', he asked if i got my revised salary, and during then, oni i realised that i m the oni fella who got promoted with salary revised in the department. Meaning, i sort of having a special status in front of him.
Another colleague just told a story of how she overheard a conversation between my direct supervisor and the big boss. According to what she heard, the direct supervisor was praising me of being able to 'shine' when i m out of my ex-boss supervision. I hope he is genuinely praising me rather than using it as an agenda to praise himself in front of big boss.
Acted as if i'm part of the dept people, I treated everyone some cookies, jokes around, and being loud (in a humour way). I felt belonged to the dept now rather than some "imports". In case you dun knw the history, i was being 'transferred' from another dept some few months back due to company restructuring. Glad that it happened, though i have to work harder and act smarter to maintain my reputation.

Of being CUTE, LOVELY and LOVABLE

noreply@blogger.com (Nux V) — Mon, 27 Jun 2011 12:54:00 +0000

Today, I encountered 3 situations that made my day:

Situation 1:

Conversation between 2 colleagues:

Winnie: (Jokingly) I have just scolded her for postponing our lunch date.

Alena: No, she's cute (refering to me), don't scold her too much...

Was super happie when someone saying that i m cute ;-)

Situation 2:

Conversation between me and a colleague:

Winnie: (staring at me) You look different today.

Me: Huh? In what way?

Winnie: hmmm...u washed your face.

Me: as always...

Winnie: I mean you did facial?

Me: huh? no...

Winnie: You look brighter! as compared to a few weeks ago, you look different...

Me: ???

Wow! i will take it as compliment...Hopefully he notice that too ;-)

Situation 3:

I dun intend to send out email to him pin-pointing a mistake from his previous mail. But for this instance, I purposely send out one jst to see if he does reply, as if i m shooting him an angry mail. There wasn't a header and footer for my email, not even the word "Dear addresse" (exactly his style of writing angry mail)

And my mail ended with "!"

i wouldn't have guess that he replied.

i mean, surprised to see a cordial reply with "Dear ...." and somehow an explaination of him admiting his mistake, with the mail ended with a smiley.

Oh, so sweet!

btw, that is a company biz email.

btw, that is all that makes me happier today. Anyhow, i flirted with another manager who happened to call asking for "help". He sounded cordial by speaking in Mandarin rather than using normal biz conversational English like i normally replied him. I dunno mandarin, somehow today i tried to speak a lil' which made me sound as if i'm fluent in it and as if i m treating him like a friend rather than inter-dept working colleague. It was so sweet of him replying with a "thank you note" on my usual cold email (yea, the one without header and footer, not even a "dear addresse").

Nowadays, it seems like i m "miss popular" rather than a lonesome dude compared to a year ago. I hardly have the chance in having lunch alone, coz i have lunch invites all the time!