Transforming Your Relationship

"Getting the Love You Want" Imago Couples Workshop

2012-02-06T20:37:00.000-08:00

Now Open For Registration

Getting the Love You Want

March 10-11, 2012

Our next "Getting the Love You Want" couples weekend workshop is March 10-11, 2012, in San Ramon California. The basis for this workshop rises out of the Imago Theory developed by Drs. Harville Hendrix and Helen Hunt. It is comparable to 3 to 6 months of weekly therapy sessions in cognitive and experiential learning. It has been utilized by thousands of couples in twenty countries and is now available on 5 continents. It is not a quick fix. It is a realistic understanding of the path to a safe and passionate marriage or partnership, a roadmap of the journey, and the tools needed to get you there.

These workshops sell-out quickly, so please book early to ensure your participation! Click Here to visit our Registration page.

Please visit our website for further information:

www.OneRelationshipAtATime.com

Victim No More

2011-05-30T16:16:00.000-07:00

Do you know someone who acts like a chronic victim? Perhaps this person is a friend, a family member, or a colleague. Picture his or her face right now. Imagine yourself listening to his or her stories go on-and-on with no end in sight. What if you're around this person one time each month, each week, each day, listening to his or her stories getting bigger and sadder as he or she collapses deeper into helplessness. Now notice how you’re feeling in your body right now as you picture this experience in your mind. Are you a little stirred-up? Are you feeling more energized and aggressive? Do you want to shout out, “Just do something and stop complaining!”?

When you experience someone in victim mode, that person is operating outside of his or her Core Values. Everyone has a core, and every core is good. Your core contains a script or blueprint of how you “should” live your life, and how to be in a healthy relationship with yourself and others. Studies have shown that even criminals in jail have good core values. These individuals are however, operating way outside of their core.

Steven Stosny, author of “Love Without Hurt,”says that your core is comprised of four values: to Improve, to Appreciate, to Connect, and to Protect. All these values apply to the relationship you have with yourself and also, with those around you. When you are connected to your core values, you’re at your best--your self-boundaries are appropriate and fair, and the boundaries you set with others are reasonable. It is when you slip out of your core that problems begin.

If you begin to slip out of your core (your center) you will move in one of two directions: Victim mode or Aggressor mode. A quick way to notice if you are slipping into either Victim or Aggressor is to become aware of the feelings you begin to experience. The feelings that arise when you move away from your core values are: Depression, Anxiety, Guilt, Resentment, or Anger. Often you will notice more than one of these feelings. The more body aware you become, the faster you will notice yourself moving out of your core and subsequently, the faster you will shore-up your boundaries to match your four core values.

When you slip out of your center, and move into either your victim mode or your aggressor mode, you will affect those around you. All relationships crave balance and equilibrium around energy. Therefore, if one person in a relationship unconsciously moves toward their Victim side, his or her partner will move in the other direction, toward their aggressor side, if that partner is also operating in an unconscious way. All this happens in an unconscious attempt to balance the relationship energy. However distant you move away from your core in one direction, your partner will move away an equal distance from their core in the opposite direction. A simple way to explain this concept is to say, when the victim’s energy Collapses in the relationship, this will trigger his or her partner's energy to Expand, and move them into aggressor. The opposite is also true. When you move into aggressor and expand energy, your partner will unconsciously move an equal distance into victim and collapse energy.

So how do you begin to shift this uncomfortable dance? You shift the dance by first becoming aware of your body. If you notice any of these feelings, depression, anxiety, guilt, resentment, or anger, use this information to bring yourself to consciousness and begin to examine your behaviors. Perhaps your boundaries are not matching your four core values. Next, examine your intentions. Is your intention to collapse and become the helpless victim around your partner, to expand and become the aggressive punisher, or to connect with your partner in a way that matches your core values, modeling respect for yourself and the other? A positive aspect of becoming conscious when you slip into this relationship dance is that one person can become aware of moving into either victim or aggressor, and make a decision to move back to center, and in doing so, his or her partner will also begin to move back toward center to maintain equilibrium in the relationship. This becomes a powerful tool when you fully embrace the notion that only one person needs to become conscious and move toward core and the other person, unconsciously or consciously, will also begin to move back toward center.

And finally, the most powerful tool of all in moving out of victim and back into your core is the word, “And.” It is fine to share the struggles and challenges you are facing in life, just make sure you add the word, “and.” “And, this is what I intend to do about it…” Imagine how different you would feel if you were listening to the person you had identified as a victim in the first paragraph of this article, suddenly add the statement, “and this is what I intend to do about it.” Would the addition of that sentence help you feel less aggressive in your body? If so, it is likely because you just imagined the victim moving back into their core where their solutions live.

Please visit our website for further information:

www.OneRelationshipAtATime.com

The Frozen Image

2011-01-23T22:08:00.001-08:00

Have you ever found yourself frustrating over your partner’s behaviors? Do you catch yourself using words like “You always...” and “You never...” to let your partner know you don’t appreciate the way they are behaving? You may even wonder where these behaviors came from because you certainly didn’t notice them in the first few years of your relationship. You tell yourself that he or she has “changed” because you wouldn’t have been attracted to your partner had they been that way all along. You begin to believe that they are the cause of your relationship struggles. And now you feel stuck.

Chances are that most couples reading these words resonate with this experience. The irony here is that when people use words like “You always” and “You never,” you are freezing your partner in the very behaviors that you want them to change. Consider this scenario: you want your partner to come home on time; they do their best and come home early on four days, and the fifth day they are ten minutes late; and you tell your partner, “You’re never on time, you’re always late!” If your partner heard statements like this over and over again, especially when they were trying to be on time, they would probably begin to lose their energy to try.

So why would anyone freeze their partner in the very behavior they wanted them to change? As Imago Relationship Therapists we believe the answer to that question is the following: “If I freeze you in that image, then I know how to be with you.”

We have discovered that most people will freeze their partner in an image, even if it is annoying, because they have developed a set of skills in childhood to cope with someone in that image. So if your partner were to change, that would be terrifying because you fear you don’t have the skills to be in relationship with them then. It becomes a strange and surreal dance; you complain that your partner behaves a certain way and yet feel terrified that they will change.

The solution to this struggle is straightforward: mirror your partner using the Imago Dialogue process. When you mirror your partner you will get to know them in a different way. You will begin to see them for who they really are, and during the process, you will learn a new set of skills of how to be with them as they emerge. As parents, the greatest gift we can give our children is to mirror them into existence. It makes sense that our partner would need the same gift from us since they may not have received this gift in childhood. Mirroring your partner, giving them their words back in dialogue, will provide the safety needed for your partner to emerge and be seen by you. And along with that process, a blueprint will also emerge on how to now be with him or her. The frozen image of your partner that you have held for so long will thaw. You will be able to let go of the old skills that you held onto for so many years that kept you safe in your previous relationships, but are likely limiting your relationship today.

Are you ready for a change? Are you ready to let go of the old image? We will be happy to coach you through the process.

Please visit our website for further information:
www.OneRelationshipAtATime.com

The Unconscious Collusion

2010-11-01T14:40:00.000-07:00

As Imago Relationship Therapists, we believe that whatever happened to us in childhood, directly affects how we show up in our relationships today. Specifically, the greater our childhood wounding, the more highly defended we will act in our adult relationships. There are many varieties of defended behavior that we utilize when we feel anxiety or pain with our beloved. Most of our defenses fall under two primary categories, Attack (blame, judging, criticizing) or Avoid (withdrawing, stonewalling, cold shoulders). However, the purpose of this article is to shed light on one of our defenses that is more complicated than the straightforward Attack and Avoid behaviors. This interesting defense is called the “Unconscious Collusion.”

Unconscious Collusion

This defensive behavior requires us to play roles in our current love relationship. The roles that we play are an attempt to feel better from the pain we experienced in childhood with our caretakers. For example, if you received messages that implied you were “not intelligent” as a child, you might still feel the affects of that pain today as an adult. Therefore, one strategy you might employ today in relationship with your partner is to take on the role of the “Intelligent One.” And even if your partner is an equally intelligent match, they may enter into an unconscious collusion with you and take on the “one-down,” less intelligent role. It is easy to see why you may feel better playing the roll of the intelligent one in your relationship. You must be wondering why someone would unconsciously play the role of the less-intelligent one.

The answer to that question can be surprisingly simple. When we were little, it became immediately clear that we needed the “big people” to survive. And since we needed our caretakers to survive, we learned to take on whatever role that they expected us to fulfill so we could fit-in and exist within the family system, even if that role was different from whom we really were as individuals. And in Imago Theory we believe that our current love relationship is a recreation of our childhood experience; so it makes sense that today we would take on roles to survive and exist within our relationship, much in the same way that we took on roles to survive in childhood. Therefore, even if the position you take on requires you to assume the one-down, less intelligent role, it may be an unconscious sacrifice you accept to be in a relationship, as opposed to being alone.

What if your defense as a child was to play the part of family healer? Today you may need a partner who will collude with you and take on the “sick role.” So what role are you unconsciously requiring your partner to play in your relationship? What role is your partner expecting you to play? How hard do you work to make your partner conform to the role you need them to play?

Imago Relationship Therapy

As Imago Relationship therapists we help couples move from an unconscious relationship, to a conscious relationship. Consciousness breaks the collusion. We help couples become one another’s healers, and this can only happen in a conscious and intentional relationship. When we use the Imago dialogue (communication skill) to unpack the pain of childhood, couples begin to see the blueprint, the strategy to help heal their partner’s childhood pain. If the blueprint for healing is embraced, the couple begins to attune to one another and the various defensive strategies and collusions are no longer needed.

Please visit our website for further information:

OneRelationshipAtATime.com

Passionate Couples

2010-10-25T16:46:00.000-07:00

Adapted from Hot Monogamy, by Dr. Patricia Love, Imago Therapy Master Trainer

Why do some couples seem so passionate and connected with one another, and tend to anticipate their time together with joy and excitement? Dr. Patricia Love was determined to find answers to this question, and following many years of interviews and research, she published her findings in the book, Hot Monogamy.

Dr. Love discovered that couples who have fun, meet challenges and share exciting adventures together, feel closer, more intimate, more energized, and more passionate. These passionate couples stay connected, stay together, and fall in love with one another over and over, again.

You might be wondering how this is possible. It is possible because passionate couples intuit the five qualities of passion as they create, collaborate and connect through their fun, challenges, and adventures. For couples to enjoy a passionate relationship they must engage in at least, one joint activity that elicits the following five qualities.

First, the couple experiences excitement in anticipation of what is soon to happen. Second, whatever activity they are doing challenges the couple either physically, emotionally, or intellectually. Third, even though a couple may feel fatigued after completing a particular activity, they will often report feeling energized by their experience! Fourth, while engaged in their fun, adventure, or challenge, the couple tends to become absorbed by their experiences and loses track of time. Finally, both people experience a sense of congruence, meaning that they are doing exactly what they want to be doing together.

What is it about these five qualities; anticipation, challenge, energized, absorption, and congruence that keeps the flame of passion burning? The answer is that the brain chemistry in the individual changes when he or she experiences the five criteria noted above. For example, in anticipation and during the activity, dopamine, norepinephrine and oxytocin are elevated. These hormones make one pleasure seeking and pleasure receiving. Moreover, when dopamine is elevated, serotonin levels drop, which results in hyper-focus on the other person and on the activity. These hormones play a role in elevating one's mood and hence the individual associates the experience with their beloved and creates within the feelings of falling in love again and again!

You may learn more about this wonderful phenomenon and other relational dynamics by attending our Getting The Love You Want weekend workshop for couples. And we invite you to read our future blog on The Five Love Languages to further understand how to love and be loved.

Please visit our website for further information:

OneRelationshipAtATime.com

Are You a Turtle or a Tiger?

2010-10-25T00:41:00.000-07:00

Based on Imago Relationship Theory by Harville Hendrix, PhD, and Minimizing and Maximizing energy, developed by Joyce Buckner, PhD.

Take the Quiz First, and then return to this Blog for an explanation of what it all means. Click here for the quiz.

What It All Means:

Chances are that you can be both a Turtle and a Tiger because this really just describes a person's Energy to withdraw or pursue in times of relationship stress. When feeling flooded and overwhelmed, Turtles tend to divert their energy inward and withdraw from their partner. And Tigers can pursue their partners with a lot of energy when they experience a loss of connection or feel abandoned or lonely. We call Turtle and Tiger behavior defenses because people try to protect themselves when they feel like they are being either attacked or abandoned. Since we have the capacity to minimize our energy inward like a Turtle or maximize our energy outward like a Tiger, why then do we tend to choose one defense over the other?

The answer to this question goes back in time to the day you were born. When you were born, you had two basic needs: Safety and Connection. It is rare that a baby is born with the same level of need for both safety and connection. Most of us come out of the womb with a slightly higher need for one over the other. The baby born with a higher need for Safety has internal radar that scans the environment for danger. If the baby experiences aggression or intrusiveness from caregivers (or others), he or she will retreat into the “turtle shell” for protection. And the baby who is born with a higher need for Connection will be painfully aware when there is no one to connect to. He or she will get big with “tiger energy” and even throw a temper tantrum if necessary, just to get someone to come and ease the pain of abandonment.

Are men typically Turtles, and are women typically Tigers? Certainly the environment can reward or punish certain behaviors that have been stereotypically associated with men and women, and it may be tempting to view men as turtles and women as tigers based on society’s expectation; however, the bigger factor seems to be the greater need at birth for either Safety or Connection. Therefore, turtle and tiger behavior can present in either gender. And nature has a way of pairing us with the opposite energy person to create balance in the relationship. Turtles and Tigers fall in love. The sooner each partner understands the unique needs of the other, the sooner the relationship will feel both safe and connected.

For the relationship to “grow-up” and mature, the turtle and tiger have to step into new behaviors, meaning, they each need to learn how to do the opposite energy so the turtle will feel safe and the tiger will feel connected. Therefore, the turtle needs to approach the tiger during times of stress, as opposed to withdrawing, even when the tiger is in a high-energy state. This new behavior will soothe the tiger, reducing the pain of abandonment and the tiger will naturally soften. And the tiger needs to stop the big energy attacks that come in the form of criticism, judgment, or blame so the turtle will feel safe and enjoy spending time in the relationship space.

Now that you’ve read the explanation, are you more Turtle-Like or more Tiger-like? You may comment below.

For more information please visit our website:
OneRelationhipAtATime.com

The 3 P's of Partner Selection

2010-10-24T18:37:00.000-07:00

Have you ever wondered why your partner seems to want to pick a fight with you? Have you ever heard your partner describe you in a particular way; a way that doesn’t match what you know about yourself? Are you confused by these behaviors? Well, you are likely one of millions of people who encounter these behaviors on a regular basis. Welcome to the “Three-P’s” of partner selection.

Pick

In Imago Relationship Theory we believe that we Pick a partner who is a match for us based on our childhood experiences. The person we Pick has to pass through a series of filters in our unconscious brain before we will see them as a suitable relationship partner. We will talk about these filters in an upcoming blog. If you Pick a partner who is a close enough match to your childhood experience, you may not need to use the following Two-P’s.

Provoke

What if your partner is a fairly close match to your childhood experiences, however there are some missing elements. For example, what if you had an angry or explosive father and your current partner is just a little bit too mellow. You unconscious brain will get busy and Provoke your partner into acting like the dad you remember. You know your partner well enough to know which buttons to push to get the reaction you remember from childhood.

Project

Another tactic that is a favorite of the unconscious brain is to Project an image onto your partner. The image that you are Projecting onto them may not be who they really are, but you need to see them that way so they match your memory of the past. And in extreme cases, your partner (the receiver of the Projection), may give up trying to convince you that this is a distorted image and will act out and become the Projection.

Why do we go to these extremes? The answer is that we need to recreate our childhood experiences with our current partner so our current environment will feel a lot like our original environment with our parents, in the hope that we get a second chance to complete the task of growing up. We all experienced some level of childhood wounding, which interrupted the process of developing and mastering tasks. Then, we search for a partner who is similar to our original family structure, so the unconscious brain will recognize the familiar system and pick-up where it left off, meaning to continue the growing up process.

Just know that the unconscious mind is only concerned about two things: growth and healing. And while it is romantic to believe that we choose a partner based on the desires of our conscious mind (to be happy and to feel good), the directive of the unconscious mind wins every time. And if we follow the directive of the unconscious mind, meaning we work with our partner to grow and heal, the conscious mind will feel good and become happy.

For additional information please visit our website:
OneRelationshipAtATime.com