Mustard Seed

clossing in....

2010-12-30T04:15:00.000-08:00

it's closing time...

my last chapter for this year...
for almost 8 months i am here, doing what i love and still believe in...
on Christmas eve i was working , restaurant and rooms were fully book...guess on that night i was given a chance to grasp upon the meaning of silent night. Surprising everything seem too slow and quiet inside the hotel without much decor or any Christmas carol, my hotel is not so grandeor at celebrating the red season. felt so gloomy while imagine the highlight of Christmas eve that church and people out side celebrating...being apart from my family and dear...another word is miserable

Accidentally cut myself and though really how stupid i was without focusing, my grey cloud grown much heavier with my temper... my bloody finger caught the attention of a guest sitting at the bar...he offered the help, that moment made me glad but i rejected his offer cause shy, before i walked away he manage to said " Don't cut yourself again". Then i though of Marry...she needed helps on that night, someone did opened the door for her and Jesus although it just a manger better then nothing. The beatitude of the Jesus birth event is to reflect the loving kindness that endures for the sake of humanity. so quiet and calm...all was beautiful...at the heart of celebrating...hymning my favorite songs until i had a back lane caroling with sabahan trainees hehehe.

Tips

2010-09-03T01:46:00.000-07:00

seem like i had abandon this site.
well after a big round, finally i can settle down a bit.

find times to finish my favorite author Mitch Albom's book.
a book could do wondrous of things to a reader mind... i guess so.. did some review.
before that i kept on resent of not going to Liverpool, keep on finding a way out.. my eagerness to explore another side of the world...
may be today i had gave up...or by unintended choice i had found the contentment inside...

thanks God for showing me...there are always different way of viewing things...
i still can explore other countries through the guests that i met everyday...exchange stories and culture as long as i willing to open up my senses. Get to receive extra euros as well ahahah.

one thing i learn as an Asian or malaysian...we are not so proud of our own country ...in compare with the westerners, i concluded many reasons, 1st we as asian are humble people...too humble in fact, 2nd our standard quality is really not up to theirs, 3rd we re too busy admiring them, 4th we re too busy copying them. At the same time we look down on our own counter part.

My Dolly

2010-05-22T10:19:00.000-07:00

Way too long, i was away...it felt like the silent years. Nothing at all i wanted to tell, guess was too sick to do so, inside felt like an abandon ship forbidden to board on promise island.

Days went by, my quest is like putting message into a bottle and thrown into sea...never comes back. One of my question is concerning about the few bible verses that i had read. found them so contradicting and was blaming myself lack of wisdom and convince myself through another proverb verse... trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.

until a night i heard a person share her story to me.
An evening, just me and Auntie Dolly were sitting in the living room, together we were waiting for a person to return home, who is precious and important to us.

Aunt Dolly shares how she was a young person like everyone else...she told no ones, until me...She said,when she was a high school teenage, she went through path of life like most of us, seeking for understanding, seeking the ways that pleases God, yet like everyone else she met loves, choices, conflicts. And it's still consider complicated to share her's story .

During the young old days, she and a good young man had fall in love together,yet deep inside, she remembers the words... Do not be yoked together with unbelievers...so,one day out of straggles,she decided end the close relationship.

It was through a long heart felt written letter, as she couldn't express out directly to the man. Both of them sat in a corner of garden, aunt Dolly waited him to finish the letter...she said the waiting time was one of the hardest moment in life she could remembered. The man understood well what she desires, in honoring God, wished a true christian family, painfully they were trapped in space of no where. Their relationship was not either broke off or continue. The man went home sadly, without visiting her again the following week, aunt Dolly somehow out of no reason made a strange prayer request...a bunch of rose from Cameron Highland given by the man. Surprisingly he did appeared on door step with red roses...Aunt Dolly was so delighted,but she was never too sure or convince that God has answered her, thought that it was just coincident.

Days went by, aunt Dolly still felt that she could not resists the feeling and love in herself toward that good gentleman, their friendship and bond grown stronger each day. On days aunt Dolly read about a verse and felt comfort by (1 Corinthians 7:11-16). She thought that may be it was test from God, she hold a believe that God will never forsaken her. And,may be she is able to convince this man in accepting Christ and God, this was a glimpse of hope she saw.

happily they grow and marriage take place, she said when i was young...i saw unbeliever spouse become a christian and live a happy life, believers divorce, things can happen as they please, may be it's to bear God witness and example to us.

(to be continue...)

Whispering Hope

2010-01-06T10:20:00.000-08:00

Soft as the voice of an angel, breathing a lesson unheard
Hope with a gentle persuasion, whispers her comforting word
Wait till the darkness is over, wait till the tempest is done
Hope for the sunshine tomorrow, after the darkness is gone

Whispering hope oh how welcome Thy voice
making my heart in its sorrow rejoice

If in the dusk of the twilight, dim be the region afar
Will not the deepening darkness, brighten the glimmering star
Then when the night is upon us, why should the heart sink away
When the dark midnight is over, watch for the breaking of day

Whispering hope oh how welcome Thy voice
making my heart any sorrow rejoice

this is one of the songs that i love very much...we can be rejoice and find the hope even though going trough sorrow and darkness...

Christmas just isn't Christmas without a real Christmas tree?

2009-12-22T12:45:00.000-08:00

“Why not rent a Christmas tree?”….. Found out that people are making e- business renting out Christmas tree…their advertising seem so convincing, as a good solution to reduce resources wastage and carbon print, after Christmas was over these trees can all go back to place or replant somewhere else. Well it sounds to be a noble act for saving the earth or world.

Somehow some questions pop up from my mind … “Do we really need a tree for Christmas? and Why?” … “Do we become so lost today? Christmas just isn't Christmas without a real Christmas tree? Where by we no longer understand what we most needed and wanted… What is the best for us? We love the superficial so much until we rather shut our eyes and ears, harden our heart and mind …even though in the dark silent night we fail to see the star shining for us…we fail to accept the truth that baby Jesus was born for us. We fail to hear the good tiding even though it exists as history and proof to us…yet we are too busy juggling about a tree which been chop off from it’s root or care to take out a plastic tree from a dusty box which we kept in the store room last year …sound like a pity joke for you and me…

and why if we remember to celebrate jubilantly for His birth each year as a special occasion …then why we fail to remember and accept His death for us which so signification for our liberation and humanity. A death sacrifice that no one can buy or pay, except Him alone.

Hope this Christmas is going to be special …hope we left alone all those Christmas trees, gifts …things that we don’t really need but come to accept Jesus Christ as our savior …Isaiah 53...

53:1The people reply, "Who would have believed what we now report? Who could have seen the LORD’s hand in this?
53:2 It was the will of the LORD that his servant grow like a plant taking root in dry ground. He had no dignity or beauty to make us take notice of him. There was nothing attractive about him, nothing that would draw us to him.

53:3 We despised him and rejected him; he endured suffering and pain. No one would even look at him--- we ignored him as if he were nothing.
53:4 "But he endured the suffering that should have been ours, the pain that we should have borne. All the while we thought that his suffering was punishment sent by God.

53:5 But because of our sins he was wounded, beaten because of the evil we did. We are healed by the punishment he suffered, made whole by the blows he received.
53:6 All of us were like sheep that were lost, each of us going his own way. But the LORD made the punishment fall on him, the punishment all of us deserved.

53:7 "He was treated harshly, but endured it humbly; he never said a word. Like a lamb about to be slaughtered, like a sheep about to be sheared, he never said a word.
53:8 He was arrested and sentenced and led off to die, and no one cared about his fate. He was put to death for the sins of our people.

53:9 He was placed in a grave with those who are evil, he was buried with the rich, even though he had never committed a crime or ever told a lie."
53:10 The LORD says, "It was my will that he should suffer; his death was a sacrifice to bring forgiveness. And so he will see his descendants; he will live a long life, and through him my purpose will succeed.

53:11 After a life of suffering, he will again have joy; he will know that he did not suffer in vain. My devoted servant, with whom I am pleased, will bear the punishment of many and for his sake I will forgive them.
53:12 And so I will give him a place of honor, a place among the great and powerful. He willingly gave his life and shared the fate of evil men. He took the place of many sinners and prayed that they might be forgiven."

Almost there?

2009-11-05T10:07:00.000-08:00

Two years back asked myself what if SOMEDAY God starts another romance role play in my life, and a non believer guy standing in front of me, which path or decision needed to take, preparing for possible circumstances. But God is God a great author of life always full of surprises and mystery to write on His script. Well that SOMEDAY didn’t happen and… Now almost a year, me and my dear being together…hehehe, really thanks God for the precious gift and loving spirits.

The engagement term begin to ring my bells. Again asked myself over and over … what is the meaning and purpose of engagement? Can I really define and understand it,the so call the next level thing? Can I just think like others… engagement just tied up with commitment, responsibilities and limited freedom? I searched information in the net, books and pray. For awhile I can’t really locate the answers… most of the reading only show how crucial it is to do check listing thing on partner and relationship…the requirement Christian characters, behaviors , measurements of ; sharing interests, life purpose, family background, spiritually growth and etc. To fill up this form…guess I needed a life time…because the values of measurements change as people go through different phrase of life, and comparison never stops if we measure people or putting ourselves into the measurement.Yet these careful consideration never discourage people from making prudent decision.

One day while me and my dear were sharing some deep thoughts about engagement …he told me…he just love as I am…not that I’m smart or stupid not that I’m pretty or cute…just as I am

Through Moses characters and way of handling a fast forgetful, quick temper, sometime blur blur girl friend.

Finally I get a glimpse of what engagement means….not all but partially

God never doubt in His love for us, nor reconsider to retrieve His love when we fail and fall.

God never fear of get engaged or involve in our lives. In fact there is an ever lasting covenant between Him and human.

God offer all this through free will rather then seeing it as responsibilities of a divine person

God really love us just like that…as you and I’m a person nothing much to be complicated. guess I really need to catch up now on my way…

Yeah Yeah Yeah God is Great.

2009-09-07T10:36:00.000-07:00

pondering for too long, deep down inside I knew it’s better to write a confession rather then continue to boast.

seen what happening around…myself…my church’s members…indeed it’s like the church physical building, if we stand a bit further apart from it we can see it is a graceful building, yet didn’t notice we get to see some parts of it needed repair from inside out, when it was tested by weathers , when the rust slowly eaten up the metal grill.. But what I intended to say is about what inside us…

Grief for my own fallen a hypocrite …grief for my sisters and brothers…may be I was short of grace to put my perspectives in more lighten way. Always told myself …keep on bearing with each everyone of us, we all need God’s mercy and grace more then anything else…more then what we think what is really right or wrong…more then what is the rules and laws being long practices and obeyed by the church…what I mean is not about not following what is required, but not till the extend that we were acting like the Pharisees.

I had seen …a sister islanded herself because of heart bitterness, due to several reasons especially dealing with the church issues and members. Here I’m not to put comment or give judgment but as grievance expression and hope God answered my prayer... I had seen…a brother, who was so surprise and unable to accept another brother way of worship, with the small rap rhythm during the youth fellowship. I was thinking…is this really serious matter and is this a joke that can be share behind the back of the brother? …thinking by myself and ask for God forgiveness if my perception on this is not right. My question is, is this wrong and sinful? Yet why we always emphasize this; at the heart of worship? What is the true purpose of this? Just because we are living in this decade, using this language, using this style of music which all slowing going to evolve along with new generations which going to use different language and singing expression, just like the comparison of the old Hebrew words of the bible that we no longer understand or read…yet until today we still sharing and practicing the same faith as they once did faithfully. For me…It’s not right to think it is not appropriate or wrong, if something is strange and new out of norm to us. Why limit ourselves while worshipping a God who is so great in understanding us…are we seeking to be like the image of God ?or we only hoping others to build an image that is only acceptable among ourselves which is call normal, cause we always like to repeat this “ this is what we normally do or practice here !”

This song "what if God was one of us?"it’s lyric remind us of God…in a simple means that we fail to capture “what if God was one of us”…how he gonna respon? When one of his child singing praise “yeah yeah yeah God is great”...is He pleased just as the same thousand years back, when the psalmist were giving their praises to Him, or He is awfudly surprise only like us?

here i hope reader won't come up with the perception of " why christian acting like this " in everywhere, everyone we may somehow found some defact and imperfection...let not this discourage you from seeking for the truth and love of God.
hope that He is always with me, when time i no longer have the energy to walk on...

Spokesperson

2009-07-25T09:20:00.000-07:00

This semester, felt a little bit hard to pull over, the academic papers were a bit heavy, require a lot of researching and reading. Sometimes even don’t know what or how to ask questions for the assignments. One of my assignment is Crisis Management, study about a long history of plane crash case during 1988, Pan American Airways the bombing of Flight 103, Lockerbie, the early sign of terrorism activities against U.S. It was a very interesting history to study upon, but to come up with typologies of crisis, theories, arguments, examples of recovery plans and prevention action, for such a crisis was really a headache for me.

You see, when this crisis happened the spokesperson and the crisis management team of the Pan American did actually tried their best to weather the crisis but the impact was too much for everyone involved; the airlines industry, in between nations, victim families and people who were involved in this conspiracy case. The funniest part I found was, the person who represented the Pan American as Spokesperson named Jeffrey Kriendler suffered job stress related stroke after few years handling the crisis which dragged on without an end. Thinking if I were to come up with the theories to solve, I should be working in the white house with Mr. President ahahaha.

But thank God at the final night before the presentation, able to vomit out the theories yet gave an incomplete report, before that I was a grumpy little old dwarf, said to my team members “I wanna to tell Dr. Cheah during the presentation, all this theories and arguments are nonsense!” My friends laugh and advised me not to do so ahahaha. Because I think it’s useless to place our arguments and ideas upon thing that had past and not at things that we can do to recover, since it don’t has any evidences that our cognitive theories really work. What is the purpose of this? Wasting time and papers lo! Just for the sake of academic study. Unfortunately when my lecturer evaluate on my points, she said they were very good ahahaha surprised!

In the middle of self defeating I found a few words, “Jesus is the best spokesperson for life crisis”. In our life there are uncountable, unexpected situations, or even it’s expected but uncontrollable things that just happen, so how are we going to do or say? Blame it on God’s act, blame it on another human, or might as well to our own? Try to fix it, sometime we made it, sometime it carries on without endless until finally give up. Or we just shut our mind and forget it. Or we hang around and round the circle asking why for everything.

Just like the case, although it’s human act of terrorism ripping of human life and changed many aspects of living but God allows it. So how we are going to say on that? It’s good at this moment of my life, I realized an answer, that is never ask why from God, to create or destroy is God’s freedom. As I learned too, we never ask question whether something fair or good but when something happen we started to ask is it fair to us?

The sun is hot

2009-06-10T09:15:00.000-07:00

*The sun is hot in the sky just like a giant spotlight
The people follow the sign and synchronize in time
It's a joke Nobody knows
they've got a ticket to that show

Yeah
Slow it down make it stop
or else my heart is going to pop
'cuz it's too much
Yeah, it's a lot
to be something I'm no

May be this few day’s weather were really too hot for anyone, this included hot tempers. Unusual timing… dad calls … trembling voice …conversation began ….your mom just got another letter stated that your sister was rejected by the interview ah…it can’t be happening we already receive the first letter stated that she get the physiotherapy job ah! I can’t talk to your mom anymore; she keeps on shouting in the phone…da dah a dah a…well as soon as dad hung up the phone…Mom turns to call ….your sister ah…da dah da your dad ah crazy one shout shout…can’t even talk nicely. Then Dad calls again…da …da…da…. Partly I was a bit worry for them and sister’s future actually they just got freak out over the letters scenario …after a moment of silent…Oh my God am I a recycle bin ah!? It’s too much! This thought beep on me. So it’s my turn to call Moses continue my da …da…da…da couldn’t really express myself well…

later found this song’s lyric suit this whole damn afternoon

*I'm just a little bit caught in the middle
Life is a maze and love is a riddle
I don't know where to go
I can't do it alone
(I've tried)
and I don't know why

I am just a little girl lost in the moment
I'm so scared but don't show it
I can't figure it out it's bringing me down
I know I've got to let it go
and just enjoy the show oh oh
Just enjoy the show
oh oh

At the end the song…I was pretty pleasing and amaze. It’s so good that I still got you by my side… hahaha yeh just enjoy the life show…

*Lenka- the show 'lyric

A gift

2009-05-29T11:16:00.000-07:00

1.41a.m barely could sleep, trap in a room so hot, the bed and walls were still too warm, disturbed my sleeping hours. So I picked up a booklet and started to read, suddenly recall a yesterday event. Where I was having breakfast with Jimmy ( buddy). We were sharing conversation on what and how we spend the holidays. So the movie topic caught up our attention especially movie like The Angels and Demons another Dan Brown’s controversial moves I guess hahaha. Jimmy asked have I watched this well plotted movie. My answer is not yet but looking forward to do so, as I had read the movie’s review.

Thanks to Jimmy, he was kind enough to tell me the story adds on with a couple of his comments as our coffees were not yet finished, sat and chat under the lovely weather of Kampar hahaha. One moment really capture me, when Jimmy said, “I share the same thought with Tom Hank about religion, when people interview him, do you believe in religion? He said “Religion is a gift that I have yet received.” I was thinking mine oh mine ! I love this few brilliant words…felt like want to sing a song to him at that moment…a Christmas song we use to sing….which I love very much.

Yes indeed true enough! Religion consists of faith, beliefs, seeking and accepting it as a whole truth with the understanding that can’t’ really be explain at all …a gift that was never come by our own efforts or deeds at all.

有一件礼物，你收到没有，
眼睛看不到，你心会知道，
这一件礼物，心门外等候，
是为了你准备，别人不能收。
副歌：生命有限，时光也会走，
如果你不珍惜，机会难留，
礼物虽然好，如果你不要，
你怎么能够得到，
怎么能得到？
2。亲爱的朋友，你是否想到，
马槽的婴孩，是为你而来，
亲爱的朋友，你是否了解，
最好的礼物是人子主耶稣。

to dear Jimmy even though you miss out the Christmas Celebration that I invited you last year hahaha but the gift is always there waiting for you. sincerely

My dear

2009-04-21T01:13:00.000-07:00

While I was taking a rest laying down after a whole morning of planning, drafting the wedding decor and try to finish my report….think of writing out this pula!!!

Through out this few days my brain getting unease with so many things on pending and undone at the same time my imaginations ran wild on flowers, colors papers… hahaha.

Never thought of I would end up decorating a wedding…one lesson I learn from my wedding supervisor during training is…every wedding couples want to have personal touch…things must be detail…

A little bit tie up and stress but am over shadow by excitement upon what going to turn out…imagine that you are responsible for other persons once in the life time experience wor! I fail to look for a pair of bells haiz…the sweet honeycomb bells…for my personal opinion, bell symbolize the tradition on this holy ritual. On the old days it sounds when good news arrive or it calls for a time to pray …a moment is sign….bells for wedding is to announce...

silly me …when I kept on telling my dear I want this or that …need this or that….for all the decor materials…did I scare u dear with it? hahahaha just a joke! When u keep on telling me…I gonna take over your place! hahaha Dear that would never happen wor! Men forever greater and more artistic then women it’s meant for what God have created and gave!

in between getting involve with the family event…I felt a bit scary ….wedding seem to be so tiring, complicated, costly, everything count, the intense and emotions all pumping in beside all look plain pure beautiful white! …guess this is the true part of wedding when we really see people around us behave and respond…especially who is another half of us.

let me open up my secret gallery…I was never really dare to look into bridal guan always get chock up when think of this possibility….not that I don’t want to be bride hahahah but just didn’t dare to dream that’s all…

oh mine so long already my bla bla bla ….

ok la last words…wedding is just a brief moment…but marriage takes you a life time…a God’s blessing…and if possible I wish to spend a life time with u !
now do you see, i did write about u geh!hahaha

satu mulut macam kita!

2009-03-27T06:43:00.001-07:00

Due to the UMNO meeting and Iranian holiday season, hotels around K.L were mostly pack with high or full occupancy, so the hoteliers are working hard around the clock or in other words like hell…but revenues were still low compare to previous year due to economy.

Me and my friends were deploy to operation line, being a host almost for one week now, guess I’m lucky enough no need to do serving, carrying those loaded heavy tray. Really thanks God…if not don’t know when the pain will come again.

Being a host is an easy job…a few greeting words with a smile ….checking the room numbers…sited the guest…mostly that’s all beside blocking the guest who is not entitled for breakfast.

sometime need to deal with stubborn guest…and most of all who piss me off are the UMNO people or some Datuk- Datuk who wear nicely red, they would walk like don’t know where they put their nose or eyes, ignore you… didn’t answer your questions especially the important room numbers… walk in like their own house,sit wherever they like. They own Malay people (servers) call them “ Sombong Bodoh”

At few moments …was asking myself…is this kind of UMNO people deserve to take the lead as leaders? Even simple courtesy and house rules they can’t follow? How they are going to listen to other in BN? How much money our country spends for this annual meeting…instate we are funding this people which are not qualify for this important event…what a shameful and disgrace for your own people…for your own race!
When one is given a privilege and honor and take for granted it’s like
VIP = very ignorant person! no longer the Very important person …my malay manager make a joke…sombong apa? dia ada satu mulut macam kita…lepas makan juga keluar macam kita…

a comparison an Iranian old lady, who can’t speak a word of English but she smile and before left…she did actually gave me a huge after saying farewell to her…

Am I Back to the pit?

2009-03-23T05:30:00.000-07:00

tomorrow mom gonna visit Vietnam, it has been almost a year she declare early retirement, her health getting better I guess, until she is able to walk free without much pain at her back. Really thanks God for this! Hope she have a nice trip…

As for me, lately got so many thoughts kept inside yet I don’t know how to express them in words to anyone nor in prayers to God…don’t why it didn’t come out…felt so drain…beside losing self control...after the baptize I received a gift…Holy Bible, at front page written a note “Righteousness is the way of life…”guess I really fall short on that…still remember during my story telling regarding the king Solomon asking God for wisdom…I found it was hard to explain the word “wisdom” to the little kids nor myself exactly know that words mean …at the same I found it is hard to distinguish what is really right or wrong anymore…( this is not an opinion nor a correct way of react, sorry…just ignore this stupid expression !) still need to look up for answers…

lately I learn a few words…

don’t be a TUNA’s Christian means Talks Until No Actions -from a speaker in Sunway Church… agreed with this in fact, felt some self disgrace too, that’s really who we are most of the time right?…

Personally I like this few verse during in time of fear

Give us today our daily bread forgive us our debts….
and lead us not into temptation as we also have forgiven our debtors
But deliver us from evil one…

9 to 5

2009-03-06T04:48:00.000-08:00

At last I’m heading back to Kampar for a short weekend holiday…after almost 3 weeks in K.L.

Staying in a room that everyday can hear and see the LRT train passing by…everyday walk past KLCC…KL Convention center just to Price Hotel at jalan Conlay where I work…it was a nice walking distance if I keep my eyes appreciating things and strangers or I wasn’t too exhausted on that particular day. Everyday wake up at 6.15a.m wondering too!? Why must 15 minute more hahahah. Then almost 7.30 a.m sitting in the K.L Convention center food court for my tau pau breakfast and reading the Sun for half an hour following the Perak news …before I headed to hotel and change my dress n put on a name tag…where I must put all my personal stuff and thoughts behind the locker door.

At first few day tasks were a bit boring

everyday work 9 to 5...came back so tired not use to the office stress especially only seeing and reading all the black & white in the Sales & Marketing department.
sometime frustrated working with the struck Photostat and Fax me chine.
sometime i was too free of not knowing what to do, kept asking my supervisor...
got anything more?...how may i assist you?(a joke)
sometime the tasks were too boring compare to the kitchen tasks cause i can't directly see those results for example preparing the contracts and invoices...that's mean business & profit...big buck coming in...yet i cant really see it
somehow few words just kept repeating in my mind whick kept on motivating....DON'T BE STUPID, JUST DO YOUR WORK! personally i like this straight forward sentence,which i heard from Moses.
they suit my resolution for this year..."just finish it and don't' complain!"

my training manager said a few words that capture my attention felt...
"in everything that you do, you must put your signature on it.
now I'm venturing into area which is so unfamiliar to me...hope that i gain whatever that i need :)

imeetu~Marcus

2009-02-10T06:51:00.001-08:00

Suppose going to K.L for a movie with Moses, but I ended up attending a funeral service in K.L, one of his friend past away in a shock manner…Marcus was his name.
A person that I never meet before, not until he returns to God, I get just a glimpse on his face as I walked pass his coffin to pay a respect, greeting his parent and brothers with a handshake saying | “take care” I can’t find any words fitting enough to say to them as a stranger.
There was a session of sharing… his friends that who loved and missed him so much, pastor that think he is really a special young man…shares about his passion to serve the society taking up history, politic and economic studies, own written songs…nice tune indeed!… somehow their sharing drawn up a motion picture in front of me…witnessing a person life …his walks…his laughter…his aspiration that inspired so many… And a friend saying “Goodnight” to him with chocked voice…

There were tears in silence …whispers around that still puzzling about his course of death…a mystery that only God knows the reason…
Moses say…Marcus was a bit quiet but when he speaks, he sounds like the wind chime…deep thoughts…

That night…I guess God is giving me an exclusive free ticket…showing a true story movie through another person life…who really lived his days…ran a good race…burn and shine like a lamp though he just a young man…trying his best to love just like Jesus does…as a stranger to him…I hope someday we can really meet again as friends …at somewhere…that we rejoice together for the new morning after the “Goodnight sleep”

Love is the End...

2009-01-07T02:16:00.000-08:00

so sorry for being late to update and misout all the season of greeting! happy new year and hope you all recover from the holiday blues and set a great start for this new refreshing year hahaha! lately a lot things occupied my time until i was too tired and overslept for sundays worship what ashamed!...getting crazier then ever with study...meeting a lot of people but didn't have time to pen down those cloud of words to share them with you. Beside i decided to close the friendster blog...going too slow for the loading wondering what happening over there ya!!

here is an old post that i get stack,didn't manage to post it on friendster...
a mixed up feeling of Christmas and baptise's experience ...

Where does the shape of love come from? The origin I mean …

But my search for it… failed

All that I can say is… dunno…it’s just happen that… this world tell me so…it just looks like this back from beginning …some said it resembles the shape of our human heart…come to think of it…ya it just happen that people around us imprint those images, shapes and colors, so that we can express what love is …so that at anywhere, anytime we’re able to recognize it aha! This calls love….am I correct or wrong?
Wondering how i…those aspirations form…
How about you? Have you ever think of it…where does the shape of love comes from...

Pondering on after drawing a backdrop…what a fool I am …
I like to believe …

Love is the end -keane
Now is the time of our comfort and plenty
there are the days we’ve been working for
nothing can touch us and nothing can harm us
nothing goes wrong anymore

singing a song with your feet on the dashboard
the cigarette streaming into the night
there are the thing that I want to remember
I want to remember you by

chorus:
it won’t come again
cause love is the end
oh no my friend
love is the end

I took off my clothes and I ran to the ocean
Looking for somewhere to start anew
and when I was drowning in that holy water
All I could think of was you

woah, my friend
Love is the end
so lets not pretend
cause love is the end

take it back, don’ let it die
or rage against the fall of night
cause I still do, depend on you
so don’t say those words, you wrong me through

chorus

and so I tread the only road
the only road I know
nowhere to go, but home
nowhere to go
maybe our time is up
but still you can’t look back
but all the principles of love
don’t say those words
don’t say those words
don’t say those words

gonna missU little Andrew

2008-10-15T18:11:00.000-07:00

One of the elders suggested I should take a try as Sunday’s school helper … taught and assured me…its love that matters; out weight my shyness and inexperience.
Hesitating …having low confident and incapable to communicate well to all little fellows though I been through childhood but there’s still gaps between me and them…sometime they just scare me around especially when they cry and don’t understand what I was talking about…Or the opposite I scared them off hahahah…

Little cute Andrew just get new hair cut, so the hairs just stung out handsomely! Oh how could one resist the angelic sweet face of a young boy?

So I gave a light strokes on his head…
while listening to his stories about himself and how he loves the other guys in the Sundays school class…how he wanted to marry the other girl who he thinks was another nice little friend he met, without shyness…hahahah very cute innocent!...then he ran away just like other playful kids…

Then one of my friends came up and told me what little Andrew had just said about me…mimicking his little voice and tones. “那黑衣姐姐她会爱我…我知道她会 sayang 我的…”

Little Andrew soon gonna leave us, he needs to join his mother, return to K.L but it’s a real good news for us, they finally can reunited.

May be I should really give it a try…let do the best… trusting in His love and grace… It’s love that matters

This week I was given a chance to try…trembling…but wished to say “I would love to…”

Hopes that my dear Lord is shaping me everyday, until He gets the best shape out of me…

I meet u* some of my nights

2008-07-04T17:36:00.000-07:00

After some period of time being activity in writing, a young girl came up with a question “how are you able to write (blog) them out in such openness manner?”
so glad there are responses from the outsider who become the readers…but to tell you the truth months before I settle down and display my fingers on the keyboard, I actually gone through a struggle before I could sung out the entire motion in front of others and in display my personal life, views and emotions feeling to others in letting the stories to be told to the world as an imperfect sinner.

At times inside over flow with words yet suppress them hard into deep secret corner which left alone stands before Him. Because I didn’t have the confident at all or the wisdom to do so, I didn’t see it as my gift nor mature enough to lead on in Biblical standard. I’ m still wavy and young who just started follows His footsteps in infant state. I’m not the person who braves enough to stand on the open stage full of audience; I only see the lackness and the many fears which would mislead people. At the same time struggle on a pattern of life which I was unavailable in neither serving nor jointing the fellowship like other normal does, I wasn’t in the community…church…or in a well Christian family. There was a time I was so devastated, I asked where the kingdom of God is? Why I neither fail in seeing nor identify it? Much I had asked and seek…thanks to Lord, He never fails me, with each prevail and changing course He lead me through…I learn that the kingdom of God is actually now and here, when we subjected to His will.

He give me the confident to spring out those words, when I read those beloved friends blog upon how lost and tired they are in this world. Felt so sorrowful and helpless toward their struggle and pledge when analyze their root course “they didn’t even aware, themselves were actually calling for the SOS “but mostly they search in different directions, numb themselves with drinks which can’t satisfied their thirst. From here I acknowledge His mightiness. it’s not me that who can be around the clock all times for my friends…it’s not me that who understand them the most and help to talk them out or solve their problem much a friend can do but has it limitation…it’s Christ our savior to fill it up and to fix them. In lackness I begin to see the infinite of common shares, in lackness I learn there is space of freedom to expend and greater chances for improvement.

Whenever open up a new Blank Document, when there were no rules stated to govern me. Deep inside I know He is the one, my standard bar who exist as an invisible border to guide and rules my course lead on not just for my understanding. Much as the words been type they also held me in term of integrity and remind me to walk the talk, actually live by what has been proclaim, and now after almost a year hopes this will be my continuous serving and be blessed by His will and approval.
Much need to be sharpen up
Just like the new Blank Document I try to stand as bare as possible on truthfulness which means included all, because as much as I know no matter how we clothed ourselves we still stand bare in front of Him, in this nakedness we must not be in shame or guilt as well as fear which always try to held us back.

Some of my nights
I no longer hold up the will
Nor fought like a knight.
Excused myself
Telling Him…I’m so little and too young to fight
Yes…yes I had heard and seen their cried
There were so many casualties at the boarder
Down at the side.
Telling Him…I’m so afraid to fail.
Yes…Yes He always reply
Telling me
I can shine with His light
Let us march out with a victory cried.

i meet u* Beautiful Morning

2008-06-28T20:58:00.000-07:00

Morning has broken like the first morning,
Blackbird has spoken like the first bird.
Praise for the singing, Praise for the morning,
Praise for them springing fresh from the world.

Sweet the rain's new fall, sunlit from heaven,
Like the first dewfall on the first grass.
Praise fore the sweetness of the wet garden,
srung in completeness where his feet pass.

Mine is the sunlight, Mine is the morning,
Born of the one light Eden saw play.
Praise with elation, praise ev'ry morning,
God's recreation of the new day.

Morning has broken ..

Today 29th of June coming toward another end of half year...yet
today is another most beautiful Sunday morning ...the mountains cover by sleepy clouds, trees greeting the gentle sun rays,as i cycle through lanes and bridge, pass through houses which mostly still in dreams, the birds try to wake us up from our last realm in bed, so that we may come to adore and amaze His majesty. "Morning has broken" is the first hymn we sang for worship. the stillness been broken by all of us, the lovely voices of old and young, lift up our burden shoulders, cease our heavy hearts, curtains away what was past what is the unseen future,just in His presence close as a breath away.

how many years a man could live, in how many mornings a man could continue to see the Sun clearly?...in this world there are not many lasting...but with His love's promise "morning has broken like the first morning"...if we remember Him...as our sounds echo in between there is sweetness in every tune of praise He designed perfectly...

i meet U* Xing Yee

2008-06-05T23:20:00.000-07:00

Open my new doors with a new set of keys...i come to meet with Xing Yee, which is Wei Pin cousin also from Sitiawan. She is my junior,a young girl with thin tall frame, who shares the room with me now. Not much i can get into detail of her profile as our time together has just begin...i hope this sharing and friendship will grow further and better. i really thanks God for this meeting. No just i get to share a fair share of rents as well as a person who keep accompany during the nights in the room.

she is a very lovely child, curious about so many things just like my little sister, young and vibrant. one night she pop up few questions and letting me know she want to get close to God...at the moment i felt so happy inside, felt like i founded my long lost sister. she lets me know about her stories and past...before this i was a bit disappointed as my own sister was unable to stay along with me, as my intention is to look after her, bring her along to join me in daily life, but that didn't happen as i planned. seems like He is giving another answer, in different form, in different person.That kind of gladness in heart is really hard to explain.

she asked me to bring her along to church even though she is still afraid of strangers,which add up my rejoice for the day...i hope she is brave along the way ...because of all the strength and courage are given by Him, as He walks before us.

At the same time He taught me another lesson, sometime we see our circle of love in a small round, we draw up the boundary which only include of our own self, family and beloved, we never aspect another in coming guest or stranger...in lackness i really hope i can grow so when the time comes they come up to me...i won't do the chicken run or let them share the dark with me, because each everyone of us are His children...lost or found...let us recover the lost...because our Father not just longs for our returns so are the other brothers and sisters...as He never left out anyone...

I meet u* Closer to Miracle

2008-05-20T12:12:00.000-07:00

Last night pretty much been preoccupied yet I manage to steal some glimpses over a forensic drama series on the TV. Their conversation lines caught my attention…the guy explained to a female detective who falls short on psychology knowledge, the reasons behind of humans having sex…

The guy said “Humans need one another and they try to get closer to each other as much as possible, spending more times as together, paying more attentions to each other and they try to be as one…closer and closer to…”

The impatience girl asked “closer to what?”

The guy answered “closer and closer to miracle…don’t you agreed with me?”
The girl speechlessly…

For me it’s a most beautiful three words I ever heard in describing the act of joint as one …closer to miracle…
And look at myself …I’m a living proof of it…the miracle
Now I believe most of us relatively have set apart few questions answers, opinions, and a few set of boundaries or borderless, much curiosity and knowing about these human affectionate behaviors…

Over many months stack in reverse, after a closed chapter still need to overcome the loosen end …the feelings and thoughts … lost part of myself which can’t be trace back nor regain. Questioning …why I acted that way which I had set the confident rules…yet I still stumble badly lose self control and cause so much to lose then gain love…breaking the mirror of future self image which I build on over the years of faithfulness ...at the same time left a mark on each party as a scar, even though we didn’t over step the boundary and let it go too far end but that closest attempt had cause too much…never in my whole life feel deeply sorry toward the person and myself…guess I was walking through a guilt trip…at times I asked for forgiveness from above… from him…so as myself…weary over his futures so as mine…because actions still lead to consequences and effects even though a grant of forgiveness had been given…these lead me toward unstoppable doubts…which's hard to suppress. I really hope I’m the last to experience this…if you ever read this…hope you won’t ever lost yourself …save for the last imperishable love’s miracle…

Do you see the difference now what make to be so divine and beautiful… Closer to miracle …Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires(Song of Solomon 8;4)

Artist: Brooke Fraser
Album: Albertine
Title: Love Is Waiting

In the autumn on the ground, between the traffic and the traffic
and the ordinary sounds
I am thinking signs and seasons while a north wind blows through
i watch as lovers pass me by
Walking stories - whos and hows and whys
Musing lazily on love
Pondering you
I'll give it time, give it space and be still for a spell
When it's time to walk that way we wana walk it well

[CHORUS]
I'll be waiting for you baby
I'll be holding back the darkest night
Love is waiting til we're ready, til it's right
Love is waiting

It's my caution not the cold
there's no other hand that i would rather hold
the climate changes, im singing for the strangers about you
dont keep time, slow the pace
Honey hold on if you can
the bets are getting surer now that you're my man

[CHORUS]

[BRIDGE]
I could right a million songs about the way you say my name
I could live a lifetime with you and then do it all again
and like I can't force the sun to rise or hasten summer's start,
neither should I rush my way into your heart

I read you

2008-05-16T11:01:00.000-07:00

On average I received one cell phone forward message per day, message mostly from one of my dear buddy or friends, some of the message is so touchy, may consider sweet to a soul, always made me wonder how my friends out there are. Being a friend to others didn’t court myself as a committed true friend as them, but I try to be as must as possible, and to be such a person I constantly need to learn from my friends like Yong Min…Joseph…Bimal…Ram…Chee Wai…Ken…Siew Hong …and many more down the list behind.

They fully make use of this age technology, but with great purpose and intention to closer the gap. continue to make each day sound more sense and sane, they fully understand the sacred moment of each personal experience in daily life, may be at a time we needed someone’s wishes…blessing…encouragement…a sense of care and belonging toward one another…event though we may seem apart for each other as the distance shows from a far end of east to meet west.

A forward message or a short greeting message, did not cost much neither time consuming for us to send out our words to wherever part of this world, nevertheless it reach out well with a loud clear soulful voice such as …I care for you…I always keep you in my heart.... I love you….this kindle words made our day more vividly colored then normal, virtually spells out the meaning of lasting friendships and longing cares…

To all my deer friends especially the message senders…thank you so much for your love and generosity. I truly appreciated your sincere effort and kindness. Hope in return, I can only allow myself like you more, carry on this good will and putting my best effort to be a committed friend to you all…

Imeetu* white Dressing Lies

2008-05-15T20:03:00.000-07:00

suppose most of us are using it on and off, toddlers confuse due to adult mislead moral, often considerate kind hearted friends and love ones used it to cushion big impart of reality blow or just a plain joke we jazz around all times…. we address this lies as white lies… in order to minimize our sense of guilt…its’ meant not much harm right?

But now annoyingly it tickles me, it’s like an itchy feeling …then suddenly… ouch… it hurts!! Please snap me out of it…hahaha

In certain circumstances we see the Truth doesn’t do much better in helping anyone anyway…because humans are incapable to change the fact of past nor have the ability to fore see the entire future’s truth …we’re only guided by our own polluted perceptions, execute decision with our experience of learning too much from previous cause and effect as well as terrify by others negative reaction. This kind of hostility always temp us to manipulate the truth so that we think can control the course of presence. Slowly we get comfortable, adapt to it just like part of our necessity, because it always offer a temporarily escape and relief.

But the truth is …lies will always remand as lies no matter how small or pretty white it’s…no matter how noble it sound at first…it would still hurt us as well as others especially the one who trusted us the most…just waiting on it own fullness of time …then it will bring punishment to all. Lies act like an open wound that need plasters all the times… once a cut it’s hard to heal, sometimes the wound get worse then we need to change the plasters to a bandage or worsen we need to cut off that gangrene part if not we may possibly cling on to death… a terrible course. There's an old saying that when you tell the truth, you don't have to keep track of the lies.

What I can share here is…

The truth is only our temporarily enemy, at first we feel discomfort to tag along …but it will come as a true worthy friend, to help us overcome the true enemies. We may not foresee the future neither change the past but truth has the long loyal integrity to carry us there safely, so don’t worry or fear too much, be bold to bear along with the truth of the presence. Did you see? Neither did the powerful fearless God change the fact of past nor lies about the promising future…

As for myself…finger crossing..hahahah

If I meant to follow Jesus…then I must start playing full attention toward His new rules hahahaha…so that can prevent that itchy allergic …ouch!…….hope you too didn’t get infected by the same allergic hahahah.

I meet u* myself through Mr. Robinson

2008-05-04T06:47:00.000-07:00

I meet* myself through Mr. Robinson

Well Mr. Robinson is my little sis beloved canal, a corker spaniel. I didn’t spend plenty of time with him, not until I was resigned and set back home for months. During home stays, he would sleep out side my room’s door, woke up me at appointed times which he prefers, didn’t allow me to goes to bed if I changed my sleeping schedule, he turns so attach to me until my entire family members thought he was obsessive compulsive and getting weird, if my brother tried to play any wrestling with me, Robinson would comes to attack him thought of protecting me, we were so surprise he acted that way. Never miss out a morning kiss from him nor was I permitted to goes to bed without having a word of good night to him…part of his temperament.

Chinese New Year was approaching so I did some cleaning around the corners of house. As I was busying he also follow me around…

One afternoon as I was cleaning the door grill, rubbing away the dust with a rag. He managed to find a spot and sat close next to me. Just quietly still had his two soulful brown eyes fixed on me, without a single sound or disturbance. He just kept observing with whatever I was doing, and it took me almost two hours there at the spot to finish my task. From time to time I did manage to voice out myself to him and asked him whether he understood my human talks or not hahahah…. Laughed at myself.

But he was still the same showing his quietude wagging his tail, sniffing the air as he enjoyed. Later I accidentally looked at him. Suddenly I have a thought inside…

If the person doing the cleaning works was God and I had myself been Mr. Robinson sitting there. Am I able to allow myself to be still and quiet? Peacefully…faithfully…joining God with whatever He please Himself in doing, even though I didn’t understand much what He is doing?…am I able to be carelessly without doubt or anxiously waiting for Him to finish His job?….
Am I able to be so genuinely longing for His Love? Just paying my full attention on Him….He really caught me into the sacred moment…

Over the months I still have difficulties over sleeping, may be I was too adapt to a stressful period of working, up until my health turn up side down dramatically loss weight, immunity break down with constant flu and cough, an injured muscle, get my family members weary. I had myself unrest worrying upon my future and family…I guess He try to make me understand…I can rest upon His shoulder …just like how Mr. Robinson bend over on my lap to take a short nap. Even though I had left out far behind others...

I meet u* at Jln Tun Sambanthan

2008-05-03T01:31:00.000-07:00

One of my greatest fear is blindness, somehow can’t see myself tolerate such disability, much like some breast cancer women couldn’t accept to lost part of her body. I tried to make myself prepare for the worse day to come, because I’m not a self made Dare Devil. Visual impaired sound too scary may be I not able to see the beauty of this world, its’ day light…its’ a blue sky…the most is my beloved one…looking into their eyes…part of reasons I love photography

My lazy left eye is the eye condition noted by reduced vision not correctable by glasses or contact lenses and is not due to any eye disease. The brain, for some reason, does not fully acknowledge the images seen by the amblyopic eye. This almost always affects only one eye but may manifest with reduction of vision in both eyes. My optometrists warn me from time to time my eye is getting worse.

I just kept on having this hearting thought …and count my blessed day with every blinks.

One day I decided took a collection of churches photo in K.L since after experiencing such stressful months and end up quitting job all effort and hope sweep away. Never expected to end up this way…it’s time to take a rest …the only sane thing to do is visit a church for I had been hanging too long on depression and fatigued…a place that I miss so much….

So took on the monorail…first stop Jln Tun Sambanthan after some moment of walk I saw the Malaysian Association for the Blind center apart from that I saw two persons walking. A woman accompany a middle age blind man, as they walk along, I begin to pick up what they were doing. The man was learning to walk with his white & red cane; taken his steps carefully on the tactile paving following the women instructions…I guess he just started to learn the walking…

Watched on this screen…it move me to understand that it’s not easy for blind man rehabilitated a new life…it taken up greater courage and will as well as needed more support then ever like the adaptive techniques and comprehend with mobility…at the same time overcome my own great fear. Its ok if one day I need to be dependable on others and find myself handicap… I guess a lot of usual times we find ourselves blind or handicap, trapped in certain circumstances, dependable upon His mercy and grace. May be His is not going to heal the blindness but He is preparing us to walk on through confident and faith.