imp_perfect

Hmm.

2007-06-14T13:53:00.001-07:00

Strange things are afoot at the Circle-K.

I think.

Just in time for Oscar season...

2006-02-23T08:51:00.000-08:00

My movie-influenced list makes McSweeney's.

Smart Sequels and Spinoffs That Failed With the 18-to-34-Year-Old Demographic.

They're such backstabbers! (Or, you always declare war on the ones you love.)

2006-02-03T10:36:00.000-08:00

Again, our current administration urges us to do battle with people (and "people") that it once befriended:

First it was Rumsfeld and Saddam with a cordial handshake before Rummie left Saddam to rot in prison in his skivvies.

Now, Bush is declaring war on the whole race of human-animal hybrids, but in the above photo, he looks awfully cozy... In fact, I can't even see where his hands are.

And, judging by the image above, it looks like this slutty man-bear has made the rounds with the whole Bush family.

Shutting the Hell Up

2006-01-26T08:41:00.001-08:00

What phrase is it a priority I fully eliminate from my conversational repertoire?

No, it's not anything that will get you a penance of 10 "Our Father"s and a "Hail Mary" in the confessional. Everyone knows confession is for wusses.

And it's not, "Do you think the FBI is listening to this conversation?"

To find out, visit Zulkey.com, where closing pleasantries are so passé.

No, Canada

2006-01-23T10:40:00.000-08:00

Conservative Win in Canada Could Help Repair Ties to U.S.

He would have put her in a manger, but he couldn't get her legs to shut...

2005-12-10T11:12:00.000-08:00

A man in Rhode Island ditched his 8-foot inflatable Frosty the Snowman -- which appeared to be engaged in lewd behavior with its carrot nose -- to do this on his front lawn:

Man Creates Paris Hilton Christmas Shrine

For Easter, he's planning emaciated starlet Nicole Richie nailed to a cross.

Some Assembly Required: Your Christmas Army

2005-12-06T20:50:00.000-08:00

Of late, the search terms drawing the most people to imp_perfect are "Christmas sweaters" and "matching Christmas sweater" (and "Jennifer Aniston topless" but that doesn't work for my purposes.) Normally, I refrain from using that combination of words in any sentence, but this post is likely what's bringing them here in droves. Or, at least, dozens.

Still, you might wonder, what can account for such a need to for these garments?

Well, haven't you heard? There's a war on Christmas.

And now Christmas' soldiers are fighting back:

When we began the Christmas season this year, we were all very much aware that a war was being waged by the Christmas grinches -- the American Civil Liberties Union [ACLU], Americans United for Separation of Church and State, and other secularists, to steal Christmas from America. To not only take Christ out of Christmas, but to remove Christmas totally from the American scene. I am happy to announce today that we are winning the Christmas war. -- Jerry Falwell

And they're going to need the proper attire to do so.

Those entrenched in this war need all the Bedazzled cardigans they can get.

So, here goes, a handy chart of Christmas themed knitwear.

For your Foot Soldiers:

This number features durable Astroturf trim, capable of letting wishes for "Happy Holidays" roll right off you. The neckline carries a dozen Christmas light bombs, for pelting secularists and anyone who shuts the door in your face when you come a'caroling. The Santa Claus adornment, while seemingly not Christ-y enough for a Christmas army actually shoots gut-slicing laser beams from his so-called "twinkling" eyes. And just what is the Jolly Old Fellow doing to that Christmas tree? Ha! Almost fooled ya, didn't it? It's a holiday tree and Santa is busy making it the submissive bitch it rightfully should be.

For your Southern troops:

Noah would be so proud. A pair of Flamingos, upholding all that is good and holy about this holiday. Popular with Operation: Take Back Christmas war wagers from Florida senior living communities, you shan't let the cheerful colors on this one dupe you. A detachable faux-fur collar actually transports several vials' worth of deadly chemical agents. Meanwhile, those charming Christmas socks clutched in the flamingos' beaks? They unleash a powerful wallop of bird flu but troops are urged to avoid collateral damage by only releasing the agent when they're sure to be surrounded by "holiday" revelers and not Christmas celebrants. Try a Target store.

For Special Ops:

You never know when one of your deadliest weapons will be battling against the forces of all that is unholy (or secretly holy but not all up in everyone's face about it) and will need to blend in with ... a bunch of zebras. This sturdy garment is unparalleled for its versatility. When carrying out missions against other matronly appareled shoppers, wear it with a turtleneck (pictured) to fool your opponents into viewing you as a threat to nothing more than their ability to secure the last Hickory Farms Beef Jerky Tied With a Bow gift pack. But go sleeveless when you want the thrill of secular blood splattering against your bare skin as you rip to shreds their non-offensive carcasses.

For the Fearless Leaders:

Let's be honest. This is what it all comes down to. When you're awash in the most deadly of battles, how better to say, "Jesus made me do it" than to have his baby likeness pictured right on your 100 percent acrylic war vestment? Your underlings can take Santa and shove him. Only the few, the proud and the rabidly evangelical are daring enough to show their fervor with a glitter-dusted testament to the New Testament. This is your way of sticking it to every Alzheimers-infected Walmart greeter who dares breath the words, "Happy Holidays" in your presence. Deck their solar plexi with boughs of holly and tell 'em to get wise, man. Are you shoving your Christianity down non-Christians' throats? Hell, yes. And you hope they choke on it, bitch. In Jesus' name... You prey.

Where in November was I?

2005-11-29T23:29:00.000-08:00

Doing this, of course.

Won again, though my wordy book is still without an ending. But I reached the requisite 50,000 words and this is my virtual pat on the back. Sort of like those T-shirts, "I was a Texas senator and all I got was this lousy indictment," but sort of more honorable than that.

To think of the shopping mall tramplings I had to miss in order to meet my targeted word count. I, too, could have been a participant in Black Friday bloodshed and the proud owner of a Tickle Me, Elmo! if not for my dedication and vigor these last few weeks. (Oh, Tickle Me, Elmo! was the big toy five years ago? Wow, I really can't account for THAT lost time.)

My National Novel Writing Month profile is here. And, because I am done a FULL DAY EARLY, I will get to watch the Veronica Mars with TWO endings in peace tomorrow. (Seems unfair, though, that she gets two endings and I don't even have one.)

Breaking News! New D.C. Trend: Pity Exits

2005-10-30T11:31:00.000-08:00

Am I supposed to feel sorry for Harriet Miers, leaving the White House Thursday while biting her lip to hold back the flood of tears because she can't be a Supreme Court Justice to "OMIGOD, like, the most brilliant man ever!," George Bush?(Her words, certainly not mine.) It seems likely that more than one woman exited the Skull and Bones house with similar shame back in the Prez's Yale days.

She's too weak with sadness to even extend her arm all the way for this wave. And then she has to sink her head down into her jacket, as though retreating into its fabric, a precursor to her soon-to-come inability to eat due to depression. Harry, you were a Lotto commissioner. You know what will make you feel better? Go buy a whole roll of scratch-off tickets and see if you break even or come out ahead (cause hint hint, you were the Texas Lotto commish.) And then, go spring for some permanent eyeliner, since the thick application you favor must take you the better part of every morning. Yes, the tattooing process will be painful, but not nearly so painful as all your flattering, apologetic notes to the President coming back with 'Return to Sender' stamped all over them. And think, all that extra time can be spent feathering your bangs!

Harriet's sad, crumpled wave at least seems more truthful than I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby's sympathy prop:

Scooter, the vice president needs those crutches to keep his balance during suprise heart attacks in his knees!

Maybe it's the post-modernist in me but I think if Scooter had zipped out of the White House on a Segway, the photo op would better have symbolized the murderous farce (how often do you see those words strung together?) this administration has become.

One of several reasons you should not hire me as your decorator

2005-10-21T14:57:00.000-07:00

... Because I find the object pictured below far more charming than a beaded throw pillow or other object d'art....

Want one? Archie McPhee.

Impin' Ain't Easy: "Cocked"

2005-10-18T11:15:00.000-07:00

Impin' Ain't Easy is a semi-regular feature wherein I endorse a product, service or medium of entertainment that I like very much. This feature garners me no money whatsoever and has been developed for the satisfaction I derive from broadcasting the superiority of things that I like.

Live in the Chicago area and need quality entertainment to tide you over until the White Sox win Game One on Saturday?

See "Cocked: A First Shot at Crime," making its South Suburban debut at 9:30 p.m., Thursday, Oct. 20, at Marcus Theatre in Orland Park.

This is my brother's second feature film, the first of which, "Born for Death," featured chitlings used in a non-conventional way and no female actors (possibly due to the chitlings use.) In "Cocked," look forward to more violence, a female co-star, stunt-acting featuring a bicycle and a sandwich and another Paul Konerko first-inning home run. (Oh, sorry, that's my Sox game prediction.)

Coincidence or Prophecy?

2005-09-30T10:38:00.000-07:00

Tagged.

2005-09-23T06:46:00.000-07:00

I've never been tagged before.

Here are the instructions:

1. Delve into your blog archive.
2. Find your 23rd post (or closest to).
3. Find the fifth sentence (or closest to).
4. Post the text of the sentence in your blog along with these instructions.
5. Tag five people to do the same.

But a majority of us took George W. Bush back.

From a post called Dumped On.

As if you needed a reminder.

Tagging:

Planet Dan
Master B.
Tequila Red
Rebecca Blood
Neil Gaiman (Hey, what the hell? He's responded to weirder inquiries.)

What if I just want to read the articles?

2005-09-22T15:27:00.000-07:00

Recruits sought for porn squad (Washington Post)

Impin' Ain't Easy: Sensa Cloud 9 Pens

2005-09-22T15:10:00.000-07:00

Impin' Ain't Easy is a semi-regular feature wherein I endorse products and services I like very much for no money whatsoever and solely for the satisfaction of broadcasting their superiority to other things I use regularly.

The Sensa Cloud 9 Pen is an unparalleled writing tool that's also pretty. I lose mine quite often and am emotionally distraught and poised to buy another when I find my original charmingly buried at the bottom of my purse.

Who said complainers never offer solutions?

2005-09-16T15:05:00.000-07:00

Slate's David Wallace-Wells mentions my Sept. 13 imp_perfect post badmouthing the Times' Times Select today in his 'today's blogs' column.

"The Edsel. New Coke. Times Select," intones conservative GT at Civilized Invective. Others are equally skeptical. At imp_perfect, Iva-Marie Palmer writes the package is overpriced and suggests a scaled pricing system by which readers could purchase access to as few or as many columnists as they'd like. "What Business Is The New York Times In?" asks Jeff Lang of URBANintelligence. "Doesn't the Time's value come from the spread of it's ideas?"

I don't know how I feel about being mentioned in the same graph as a conservative, but I do know how I feel about being mentioned: Pretty cool.

Leader of the Pee World

2005-09-15T15:19:00.000-07:00

Not only does George W. Bush lack curiosity, compassion and the ability to thoughtfully consider outcomes before taking action on false pretenses ....

But he's got a weak spincter too!

(via Planet Dan who more-responsibly-than-me links to the page with Reuters' caption: U.S. President George W. Bush writes a note to Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice during a Security Council meeting at the 2005 World Summit and 60th General Assembly of the United Nations in New York September 14, 2005. World leaders are exploring ways to revitalize the United Nations at a summit on Wednesday but their blueprint falls short of Secretary-General Kofi Annan's vision of freedom from want, persecution and war. REUTERS/Rick Wilking)

Opinions? Yes, everybody's got one. But not all are free.

2005-09-13T12:22:00.000-07:00

The New York Times is rolling out its Times Select package, which will charge an annual fee ($39.95 if you join by Sept. 18 and $49.95 thereafter) to those who want to read online columns by sage commentators like Frank Rich, Paul Krugman and Maureen Dowd. Trying to sweeten the deal, the ability to read up to 100 archived articles per month (normally costing $3.95 each) is included with purchasing access to the op-ed pieces. They're also promising exclusive online discussions with certain columnists, videos and access to anticipated Sunday articles before they're posted to the Web site. A last selling point is perhaps most disturbing:

Reader Interaction Reach out to the columnists with your opinions and questions.

This might mean Times Select subscribers receive special interactive privileges with the writers. But, by charging to read its opinion pages (either through a traditional and very price-y subscription to NYT in print or through Times Select), the Times is eliminating even the possibility of its non-paying Web readers from commenting at all.

I do love the Times, but I think $40 and up per year is pushing it. How many people will end up paying the subscription fee just to be able to read one or two columns a week? How many people will likely never use the other features promised? I understand that paid online content is likely to be key to traditional newspapers' future survival, but I think the Times could have planned its new program with a more fair eye toward its less-flush-with-funds-and/or-time reader base. (Namely, me.)

I mean, how about:

- $15 a year allows you to pick two of your favorite columnists (Krugman might get axed by me in favor of Rich and Dowd) and grants you access to 10 archived pieces per month?
- $20 a year gets you three columnists, 30 archived pieces a month and access to some of the multimedia features?

And so on.

Newspapers -- and their Web sites -- have a right and a need to want to be profitable. But part of what has always purported to keep newspapers at a nominal cost (thereby allowing greater numbers to become readers) are the ads. Salon.com has figured out a way to sponsor free access to content: You have to watch an ad to get to the piece you desire; if you find that too inconvenient, you pay. The NYT model seems to be lacking in value, elitist and possibly destined to fail.

Just thank your lucky stars that in an age where you have to pay for some people's opinions, I will never ever charge you for mine. (Though donations are happily accepted.)

Umm, what's that word again? Oh, yeah, hubris.

2005-09-07T09:01:00.000-07:00

President Vainglory and his favorite PR-machine-posing-as-legitimate-media get all mixed up. But not really.

The more-technologically-adept-than-I Planet Dan has the screenshot to illustrate.

Fair & Balanced at last.

Tears for Waterworld

2005-09-02T08:59:00.000-07:00

We knew this would happen.

"They did anticipate breaching of the levees, that the pumps wouldn't work," said Natural Hazards Center Director Kathleen Tierney. Louisiana and New Orleans "couldn't get the federal assistance they needed. They knew they were living on a time bomb." (from L.A. Times)

After the first big national emergency, what did we do? Um, made a colorful chart and started making people take their shoes off at airports.

America pays people to think thoughts that defy imagination, though it then often ignores their recommendations. In early 2001, experts with the Federal Emergency Management Agency set out to rank the likeliest, most catastrophic disasters facing America. According to the Houston Chronicle, they were a terrorist attack in New York, a major earthquake in San Francisco and a major hurricane in New Orleans.

In this case, two out of three is bad.

"It is our job at FEMA to think the unthinkable in terms of disasters, and to prepare for those that will become catastrophic," Joe Allbaugh, FEMA's then-director, told a conference of the National Emergency Management Association four years ago. "I want our most vulnerable communities to plan for the worst. ... A major earthquake or Category 5 hurricane in an urban area would stretch our current response and recovery capabilities to the breaking point."

The date of this conference: Sept. 10, 2001.(via St. Louis Post-Dispatch)

And, oh, yeah, started a multi-billion dollar war, diverting money from one of those other "unthinkable" -- but entirely, apparently possible -- disasters:

Bush administration funding cuts forced federal engineers to delay improvements on the levees, floodgates and pumping stations that failed to protect New Orleans from Hurricane Katrina's floodwaters, agency documents showed on Thursday. ...

Since 2001, the Army Corps has requested $496 million for that project but the Bush administration only budgeted $166 million, according to figures provided by the office of Louisiana Democratic Sen. Mary Landrieu.

Congress ultimately approved $250 million for the project during that time period.

Another project designed to shore up defenses along Lake Pontchartrain was similarly underfunded, as the administration budgeted $22 million of the $99 million requested by the Corps between 2001 and 2005. Congress boosted spending on that project to $42.5 million, according to Landrieu's office. (via Reuters)

But we're so damn capable and prepared. We don't need any damn international help.

Jamaica was among the nations offering what help they could. But the Kingston embassy, while stating its appreciation for the support, politely declined the offers, saying in a statement: "The United States Government is not yet requesting international assistance at this time."(from Jamaican Observer)

Just new shoes.

Just moments ago at the Ferragamo on 5th Avenue, Condoleeza Rice was seen spending several thousands of dollars on some nice, new shoes (we’ve confirmed this, so her new heels will surely get coverage from the WaPo’s Robin Givhan). A fellow shopper, unable to fathom the absurdity of Rice’s timing, went up to the Secretary and reportedly shouted, “How dare you shop for shoes while thousands are dying and homeless!” Never one to have her fashion choices questioned, Rice had security PHYSICALLY REMOVE the woman. (via Gawker)

And a picture for the presidential scrapbook.

Here, the president wonders if daughter Jenna will have to miss Mardi Gras this year.

But rest assured, some more dollars for the suffering rich. 'Cause they really earned it.

Washington (Sept. 2, 2005) - With Congress preparing to reconvene in early September, Senate Majority Leader William H. Frist said a vote to fully repeal the estate tax will be tops on the to-do list.

Frist, a Tennessee Republican, has not wavered publicly from statements that the either the first or second bill of the September session would be a vote on a bill to repeal the estate tax beginning in 2005 -- meaning a vote is scheduled for the week of Sept. 6.(via WebCPA)

But rebuilding a poor people's city? Eh.

One question already on the table is whether it is wise for the federal government to fund the reconstruction of New Orleans, a city built mostly below sea level in a location that has proved vulnerable. House Speaker J. Dennis Hastert (R-Ill.) expressed reservations about that in an interview with an Illinois newspaper published Thursday.

"It doesn't make sense to me," the Daily Herald of Arlington Heights quoted Hastert as saying. "And it's a question that certainly we should ask." (via L.A. Times)

But, Denny, some people don't think so:

New Orleans is one of the nation's most iconic cities, and after the calculable costs of Hurricane Katrina are tallied, after they count the casualties and the destroyed houses, it will be time for a different kind of accounting. Some of the places and pieces that make this city irreplaceable will have to be replaced.

"This is a special place. It sounds funny, but there are a lot of mornings when I walk outside and look around and think, 'I am lucky to live here,' " said Sylvia Atkins, 42, who was born and raised in the working-class neighborhood of Gentilly. "We'll miss that. I still feel lucky. But it's going to be a while before I do that." (from L.A. Times)

She said, 'a while,' not 'never again.' It will be hard, but the Big Easy deserves new life, though it will have to come from someone not so unfeeling.

Different situation, same story:

But this president does not know what death is. He hasn't the mind for it. You see him joking with the press, peering under the table for the weapons of mass destruction he can't seem to find, you see him at rallies strutting up to the stage in shirt sleeves to the roar of the carefully screened crowd, smiling and waving, triumphal, a he-man.

He does not mourn. He doesn't understand why he should mourn. He is satisfied during the course of a speech written for him to look solemn for a moment and speak of the brave young Americans who made the ultimate sacrifice for their country.

But you study him, you look into his eyes and know he dissembles an emotion which he does not feel in the depths of his being because he has no capacity for it. He does not feel a personal responsibility for the 1,000 dead young men and women who wanted to be what they could be. (E.L. Doctorow, The Unfeeling President, via truthout)

Today in spam

2005-09-01T10:02:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, after sitting in a meeting with an individual so boring you can hear your brain begin to crumble between your ears, some nonsensical spam email can act as jumper cables for the mind.

If I decode this, I think I get a tour of the Wonka factory:

Why do topless dancers say that the parasites are suspected of being
child prodigies? Hot dog vendors belittle the elephants. Lower primates
are thought to be heathens. It is said that the flatworms live with
Macintosh users. Ballroom dancers are destined to become hot dog vendors. I read on the Goodyear blimp today that gurus write poems about phlebotemists.
Bodybuilders supervise the compulsive gamblers. Geeks secretly admire the
rodeo clowns.

So, from the logic expressed above, the ballroom dancers -- after fulfilling their hot dog-vending destiny -- will belittle elephants. I'm sure those damn pachyderms deserve it.

Dr. Stupid World (Or Why I Hope We're Still Evolving Because Our 'Intelligent Designer' Is Kinda Dumb) -- No. 2

2005-08-31T11:37:00.000-07:00

I should have known that cataloging the actions of stupid, unevolved people would have given me ample fodder to post every minute on the minute.

The Columbia Christians for Life studied radar patterns of the Hurricane Katrina and have decided that they resemble a fetus in the early weeks of gestation. The press release they opportunistically released Monday as hurricane victims struggled to literally stay afloat (some of them trying to find their ALREADY BORN children) states:

The image of the hurricane above with its eye already ashore at 12:32 PM Monday, August 29 looks like a fetus (unborn human baby) facing to the left (west) in the womb, in the early weeks of gestation (approx. 6 weeks). Even the orange color of the image is reminiscent of a commonly used pro-life picture of early prenatal development (see sign with picture of 8-week pre-born human child below). In this picture, and in another picture in today's on-line edition of USA Today*, this hurricane looks like an unborn human child. (via Eva's Apple

It's right to assume that the Columbia Christians for Life also want to force the teaching of 'Intelligent Design' in our public schools. Funny that an intelligent designer would free up so much brain space in his/her creations as to cram in a lot of ignorance.

Now, from Charles Darwin, who might be on to something, especially in light of this sorry use of a national crisis as an opportunity to further one's political goals (hmm, when have we seen that before?):

The highest possible stage in moral culture is when we recognize that we ought to control our thoughts.

Chuck, as you're rolling in your grave, let me make an addendum to that, "The highest possible stage in moral culture is when we recognize that we ought to control our thoughts (my part is next) ... and, from time to time, shut our mouths."

Dr. Stupid World (Or Why I Hope We're Still Evolving Because Our 'Intelligent Designer' Is Kinda Dumb) -- No. 1

2005-08-30T19:01:00.000-07:00

Consider this feature to be the textbook the Kansas Board of Education wouldn't let you see. Each edition of Dr. Stupid World will bring you more reasons to hope that we're still growing as a species and not at the magic touch of some "intelligent designer" because -- if such a designer exists -- (s)he got his/her education from one of those courses they advertise on late-night TV.

This week's reason I would rather still be a monkey combines a little religion and a little politics, just 'cause I'm celebrating this new feature:

Creature Preacher

Do you have proof we've not evolved all the way yet? Post a comment or email me.

And I thought the ones that sold lip gloss and fake tattoos were cool...

2005-08-26T02:54:00.000-07:00

I love vending machines. Ever since I was six and randomly pushed a button and got a free TAB from a Best Western motel machine (yes, I drank TAB at six, which may explain why I frequently trip on flat surfaces and scare quite easily), I've loved the idea of viewing a colorful array of goods behind glass. I love that you can have a transaction without human contact (course, now I can shop on the Internet.) And, though I have to say I rarely actually BUY any snacks from the machine at work, when I go to get myself a Diet Coke, I always like to take a peek at the snack machine: Just knowing that I CAN get yogurt-covered raisins (which I can't fathom ever, ever wanting) makes me feel good. It must be my survivalist instinct: If I get trapped in my building, so long as I have correct change, I can dine for weeks on pretzels, peanut M&Ms, Sun-Chips, cinnamon buns and Hershey bars. (I'd probably draw the line at pork rinds, though they might be good for starting a fire if the heat goes out.)

But leave it to the French to give me a case of vending machine-envy. I love books. I love mechanical arms that pick things up and drop them nicely into a chute, like this machine purports to do. And I love vending machines.

So how much do I want to return to Paris right now to buy a copy of "The Flowers of Evil" or "The Wok Cookbook"? Or the French translation of "Alice in Wonderland"? (By the way, the French translation of the slogan on the machine is "Books at any hour!" Pretty much my ideal world.)

FYI, I liked the French before this, so it's not the TAB talking when I say we should take a cue from them on this one. Easily-bought books available at public transportation stops make so much sense it's funny they've not been available before now. And in an age where people want DVD players in their minivans and ESPN on their cell phones (there's a post coming on that later), the idea of something as simple as a vending machine seeming like an innovation of the future is sort of, um, novel?

(The pun? That was the TAB talking.)

Call me. I know a guy...

2005-08-15T13:36:00.000-07:00

(via memepool)

PokerFaceBook.com 'bumvertising' campaign is either the most socially-responsible or the most exploitative advertising mechanism in years.

I think you'll all know what view I take when I tell PokerFaceBook.com that my finder's fee is small: I'll be glad to lead you to the most ubiquitous bums in downtown L.A. Though the one I have in mind might need a sandwich-board sign, as his hands are full holding up his burlap pants.