lost soul

2013-11-29T23:25:00.001+08:00

Life is good. Full of challenges. But good. That's all.

2013-11-18T01:21:00.001+08:00

Is it just me being absorbed in my own little world or is there 'something' actually happening right here right now?

Maybe it's just me. If not, tell me.

Tak syok lah

2013-10-16T03:27:00.001+08:00

As easy as it was just a few seconds for me to murder a mosquito with one hand, it may not be as easy the next time around. Well, what a way to start from a long pause.

Anyway, that's how life is; it may be easy sometimes, but the next few times, it may not be. But that's also what makes life just as fun and interesting.

Just like the formula that was used to create the infamous Power Puff Girls. It wasn't just sugar, spice and every thing nice. There was also some Chemical X that was added (accidentally-- or rather spilled) into the mixture that finally gave birth to the three extraordinary girls: Blossom, Bubbles and Buttercup. Would they still be as powerful and strong if there was no Chemical X?

How about we talk about food for a change (not exactly the right topic to be talking about at 3.00am in the morning all hungry like this but who cares anyway)

Would your favorite spicy chicken curry be yummy and taste so plate-licking good if it wasn't spicy? And you being a person who loves spicy dishes, could not go a day without tasting something that stings the tongue with spiciness. Tak syok lah, as my mom would say. Life wouldn't be as syok if it didn't have the stray chilli slices swimming around to make you tear up and your nose run.

Would life be just as 'challenging' or rather thrilling if your favorite anime series came 24 episodes all at once? It would be different as compared to waiting for an episode a week for 24 weeks. After downloading and watching one episode, you would have to worry about what happens next and what you should do with your life until the next week comes again.

Life has its ups and downs, left and right turns, black, white and shades of gray (no don't you dare think of something else when i just meant colors) -- well, you get what I mean right?

And if there are people bugging you in any way, just look at them as if they're just God's way of making your life more...interesting/spicy(lol)/thrilling/challenging.

And this is just me trying to be optimistic for a change before I return to my life of 24/7 pessimism.

(i'm not sure if what i've written just now has any relevance to one another. pardon me, oh look at the time. just the right time to be not thinking straight, so goodnight!)

2013-10-03T22:07:00.001+08:00

I'm getting more and more exhausted. Not sure how much more of this I can take.

2013-09-27T00:47:00.001+08:00

Getting more and more tired. Tired of everything. And everything seems so quiet despite the noise.

Going Greek and solo.

2013-09-20T20:42:00.001+08:00

Two weeks through the new semester and...everything's still just okay. Under control. Still expecting a giant dragon to pop out of nowhere to gobble up some random student walking to class.

Walking around alone here and there... I didn't understand why I made it seem like it was such a big deal to me, when it wasn't. At all. It's actually nice. You don't worry about how you look, how you walk, if I get lost, where to go. If people stare at me funny, I just go all "It's not as if I'll see them again anyways." The university is big, and the number of students here are just so many, the probability of you bumping into that same person (who stared at you funny) is actually near to none. Okay that may be me exaggerating. But you get my point, right?

And of course, you get to focus more during class. Maybe. Well it kind of works for Psychology class, since nobody has any time to talk because there is barely enough time to jot down the notes. I sit anywhere, as long as I can see the slides on the screen.

And for Drama and P&P (Phonetics & Phonology) classes, I have these really cute lecturers. My Drama lecturer is well...such a darling, as some may put it. She's awfully nice and innocent. My P&P lecturer is just like my Drama lecturer, being all cute and innocent. He kind of resembles Hagrid, despite some thinking he looks like Professor Dumbledore (Dumbledore and Hagrid barely look alike thus I am enraged.) During class, he showed us a video of a British man teaching viewers about the Cockney slang. At first, the vlogger was teaching us regular everyday phrases but then it progressed to profanity in the Cockney slang. It got us laughing our butts off. Imagine being taught about the words cunt, tits, fuck, in a class. It was hilarious. My lecturer was kind of flustered but the video was about to end anyway.

Ahh well. Not a bad start to a new semester. I just need to buy the textbooks from the bookstore as soon as possible while my study mood is still alive and kicking. But unfortunately the books are still out of stock. We'll see how it goes then.

Until then.

2013-09-14T18:54:00.001+08:00

Being alone isn't all that bad after all.

Change, part II

2013-08-30T14:24:00.001+08:00

So I'm supposedly trying to get into taking photos again. Whatever that means. And I'm soaking my soul into some anime (shingeki no kyojin ftw!), hoping and anticipating for what might come.

How and why did these sudden changes come about? Well, I thought if I got myself into doing different stuff, I might find the real me hidden somewhere. It's not like I am forcing myself to do weird things and whatnot.

To be honest, I used to watch anime and take photos. And to be even more honest, I am not a great photo-taker(?) or what ever you would call it. My skills/photos suck. And anyways, what's the use of having a camera if you don't use it, right? And speaking about anime, I used to watch anime with my older brother and sister when I was in 6th grade (standard 6) when Arts Central did their anime slots Monday to Friday (or Thursday?), 11-12 midnight. But me being me, I am not the type to remember details from movies and anime and books. I just watch/read it and that's that. Maybe there's something wrong with me. Or maybe that's just normal.

The thing is, I lack passion. I am not passionate about anything. That's why I'm doing all these changes. To search for something, anything.

Change

2013-08-27T01:18:00.001+08:00

Change is never easy. The level of difficulty varies for each individual depending on...tons of factors. And like annual resolutions, the feeling of wanting to change only remains for a short period of time.

If you succeed, then good for you. It feels great knowing that you have managed to accomplish something in life. If you somehow fail or think that you have failed, it would not and should not stop you from making a new resolution or plan. Failing sucks but it doesn't mean that you should give up just yet. Persevere. That's why you see some people who just never seem to give up and keep on trying despite failing every single time.

If they can do it, why can't you?

Change. Something I really want these days. The real reason behind me writing this.

(Photo credits to AZ)

Short

2013-08-07T06:48:00.001+08:00

Eid Mubarak (^__^)/

Finals on August 15th (just one paper) and then I'll be heading home (again).

Footnote

2013-08-05T03:43:00.001+08:00

Everybody's busy with their own Eid preparations. Including me.

And I'm still sulking since Thursday when my phone just had to crash while I was typing a long blog post. And when it crashes, it means that the post wouldn't (and couldn't) be saved before it happened. Allow me to sulk har har har (still) and get busy with my life.

Until then. Whenever 'then' is.

Jadi manusia

2013-08-01T06:45:00.001+08:00

"Kau boleh lah. Belajar kat universiti bagus. Boleh ah kata macam-macam."

Campaklah sesiapa ke mana-mana tempat pun. Kalau perangai serupa manusia, jadi manusia lah dia.

Tapi kalau campak ke tempat bagus pun, perangai tak serupa manusia,

jadi manusia kah dia?

Past Ramadhans

2013-07-29T18:41:00.001+08:00

Ramadhan is already nearing its end. And year after year, Eid ul-Fitr becomes something I look forward to less and less. The only thing good about it (from my personal perspective) is that I am given the chance to spend time with my family. As years add on, it becomes more evident that death, too, is not far away.

But death put aside (for now), allow me to reminisce about the past Ramadhans.

When I was in form 1 and 2, I remember being welcomed into the house with whiffs of chocolate cookies and chocolate chip cookies happily baking in the oven. I'd break my fast with them just because I couldn't resist. Who could flipping resist not eating freshly baked chocolate chip cookies?!

Since we live in Johor, we'd turn on the local radio station Johor.fm to prepare ourselves for buka. The sounds of the drums on the radio, signing that it's almost time for the azan. And us getting for the du'a.

And like almost every other family, despite saying that we'd never fall into the hands of last minute Raya shopping, we would still shop...last minute.

A lot has changed since then. Growing up, moving around, different environments. But Ramadhan is still full of joy just the same.

Short semester cheer!

2013-07-28T23:51:00.001+08:00

Seems like taking the short semester has cured me of a few things. Allow me to list them down below.

1) Waking up early for 8 a.m. classes
I have to admit, I'm quite lucky. This may be the first time since I finished foundation studies that I had to put up with 8 a.m. classes. During foundation at CFS, from what I remember, I only had 8 a.m. Arabic classes. The rest were at 10 a.m. And I have to say, it isn't all that bad. Waking up early and going to morning classes, that is. I mean, who loves morning classes? Who? Not me, that I know.

And more since it's Ramadhan, it makes it easier for me to get ready to go to morning classes. A +1 for taking classes during the fasting month. So hurray for me!

2) Skipping classes no more?
Or maybe just for this semester. Ahhh well. It's another bad habit of mine, skipping classes. I did it every semester during foundation. Three long semesters in total. Yeah, I felt guilty about it. But since it's a habit (a bad one at that), it wasn't something I could drop so easily. But the number of classes I skipped decreased over time. The reason being because I (eventually) confessed to my parents that I skipped a whole lot of classes during foundation. They did get mad. And it came with a warning: No more skipping classes during degree, or else. Wouldn't want to spend time thinking about what "or else" meant. So you could say that I managed to kick the habit down the drain, maybe?

Last semester (my first semester of degree), I only skipped one class for Linguistics. Or maybe two. But since my roommates now (also my classmates) don't really practise skipping class (and don't approve of me doing it), I don't really do it as much. Makes me feel guilty if I don't go. The guilt burns, people. It flipping burns! Leuls. Or not. And I kind of tell myself that skipping classes contributes to bad results. Kind of like not getting barakah from the lecturer and all that jazz.

And so next semester will be semester 2 for my degree studies. Short semester not included.

Until then. Yours truly, a person trying hard to write everyflippingday.

Sighing. Again.

2013-07-28T01:59:00.001+08:00

Maybe I should start anew.

Writing has always been hard for me. It takes a lot of commitment and not everyone can do it every day, year after year. Even as a kid, I didn't have the time or the strive to write down every single detail of my life onto a piece of paper.

A diary? Diaries never worked well for me. Of course I loved (and I still do love) to buy black pens and cool notebooks and all. But I never sat down at my desk and took a pen and wrote whatever that was on my mind. Even if I tried, it would only last a few days. To me, it's like I'm this obese cat that plans diets and exercise schedules, but only gets as far as planning. That's kind of why I stopped writing in so-called diaries. Because I could barely commit to doing something and because I didn't prefer to write down my innermost feelings and thoughts down where people might read it. So I kept it all bottled up in my head.

Maybe I should reconsider every part of my life and have a sit down conversation with myself.

I need a breather. And a whole lot of commitment in doing...everything.

2013-06-22T03:20:00.001+08:00

Five years.
Today I counted not the minutes, hours, days, weeks, months;
I counted the years.

I yearned, hoped, loved;
It just never came.

Five years.
I stopped counting,
I want to stop counting,
I do.

Five years no more.

No more

2013-06-19T23:33:00.001+08:00

Three signboards and still counting.

I have to admit. I am quite sad. But then again, I am grateful. Happy even, that I will not have to hope for something that does not exist. After days, months and even years of endless hoping, I am at a brick wall. Even though there is a way to break through it, time and time again, I tell myself to stop asking for something that will never come.

My heart, I hope it gets better. Hopefully.

Anyways...

2013-05-14T03:42:00.001+08:00

Hi Sue.

I know you're reading this. Just wanted to say...we're all doing okay (I think).

Pray for the best for us people. And all the best to you guys!

2013-05-07T13:49:00.001+08:00

Dearly beloved. Not.

2013-05-05T01:16:00.001+08:00

I am nothing.

Fear me...not.

2013-05-05T00:57:00.000+08:00

There are many things that could ignite the feeling of fear in oneself. Creepy crawly things, snakes, slugs. Or even swimming, fear of heights, elevators. I am scared of a lot of things.

I am scared of heights. No explanation why. I think most people are scared of heights. And some choose to overcome that fear by bungee jumping. Something that I...did not and most probably will not add to the Things To Do Before I Die list.

Living things with more or less than four legs give me the heebie jeebies. And this is because...well, no reason. It's something that I would say "Oh just because." to if someone were to ask me why.

I don't like swimming if my feet don't touch the bottom. To be honest, until now it still freaks me out. Sometimes when I go to the beach and play with the water, and when the waves pull back, I imagine myself being pulled into the sea. And this just freaks me out. This fear has its own reason to why and how it came about. When I was small, my family went camping near a river and I almost drowned. Not to sound dramatic and all (as if I'm not dramatic all my life), but I still remember that incident until this very moment. My brother came to my rescue, if I'm allowed to say this, and pulled me out. That became one of the reasons why I loved my brother so much. Not just because he's my hero >< but also because he looks out for all of us.

Now why did all this become such a heartfelt story...I do not know.

But oh well. Each person has his or her own fears and phobias. Whether he or she decides to overcome it or not is that person's individual choice. Nothing can be forced upon you.

2013-04-28T01:23:00.001+08:00

"I love every you that you are even when you're mad."

- A -

I suck at being nice. And mean. Or maybe I'm good at both. Whatever.

2013-04-27T23:51:00.005+08:00

I am, yet again, feeling too emotional and taking it out on others. My relationships (And no, I'm not talking about having a relationship with a bloke) are going down the drain. Lost my temper on some, and ended up not talking to some. I hate myself for doing that but I'm too egotistically Me to say sorry and make amends.

I want to say sorry. I really do.

Something that's on my mind besides food.

2013-04-27T23:17:00.002+08:00

I am still trying to find myself these days. I get lost. I find my way back. Then I get lost all over again.

I am beginning to, yet again, question myself.

That "I have no flipping idea why I'm taking English" no longer exists in my head. Instead, other unnecessary ones pop up. Why am I even in this university? Why do I have to put up with taking Arabic courses? It's hard enough that we're required to complete five levels of Arabic. No, I am not complaining about taking Arabic. I'm okay with it. What I'm not okay with is the fact that the university does not allocate enough sections for all the students. And it's making my trying to actually LIKE taking Arabic a lot harder. I may not know much about how they manage the preregistration process and system and all, but please, help us understand. Yes, I am talking about taking Arabic classes during the short semester. Arabic classes for this short semester and next long semester are ALL FULL. And no, taking Arabic during long semester is hard enough since it'll clash with ALL of my other classes.

I'm flipping willing to take three months of holidays off my calendar and replace it with short semester classes for the sake of saving myself from taking those subjects (Bahasa Melayu and Arabic) during the long semester.

I have a feeling that I won't be able to register (even if manually) for Arabic for this short semester. And let's hope this feeling that I have is right.

Cute cats sleeping soundly.

2013-04-11T00:48:00.001+08:00