Imperfectly Pregnant

In conclusion....

2011-05-31T20:29:00.000-05:00

Mr. Euan

As I sit here looking my sleeping little boy I feel so very very blessed. My blog is titled Imperfectly Pregnant. I am no longer pregnant and will never be again. It is time for me to wrap up this blog. That isn't to say I will never write again, I have really enjoyed it and found it therapeutic. Another time maybe and of course under a different title. Thank you to everyone who have read my thoughts, supported and prayed for me along the way. I have many thoughts running through my head so please let me attempt to organize them into something presentable.

"It takes a village to raise a child." I'd heard the quote before and never really thought about it. Now, I couldn't agree more. Euan (and myself) had help from week 4 and it has taken so many to make the pregnancy successful. I am so grateful that I have love and support all around me.

Pregnancy. It has been one of the most, if not the most, difficult things I have ever done. I have learned so much from the experiences of this pregnancy from respect, understanding, compassion, patience and a deep appreciation for my body. For months I felt tied down (literally and figuratively) to a backpack and a PICC line. Once I get the green light to exercise I feel compelled to run or bike or do something physically active. This has never appealed to me before and yet I feel like I have put my body through the ringer for the past few years and it continues to be good to me, I need to be good to it. It's the only one I have.

Excitement. To know I never have to be pregnant again is really exciting. It is a huge relief. I feel like I can move forward and focus on being a mom, wife, friend, and just be me, not some sad version of myself walking around like a zombie who has been hit by a semi.

My health update. I am working on increasing my energy and appetite. I haven't been as hungry or excited about food as I had thought or hoped. I think it will just take some time. The vomiting and nausea are totally gone. My blood pressure has its moments but I am hoping it will resolve soon. My arm is healing from where my PICC line lived, I also thought this would heal quicker but we are making good progress.

Ms. Fiona

The loves of my life. Ryan. I couldn't ask for a better partner in life. He is phenomenal. I'd try to explain it better, but if you know him, you know what I mean. I also need to thank him for giving me two beautiful children. Fiona (aka Fioney Bear or The Bear). The only little girl I will ever have. She is full of joy and happiness and makes my heart melt. Euan (aka Mr. Euan or The Muffin Man). The little boy I am getting to know. Learning his squeaks and sneaking a peak at those dimples every once in a while. My kids.....just thinking of them makes me cry.

I can't have a final post without a final thank you to those closest to me who have been there to help, hug, love and do anything else that I've needed since October. Euan and I wouldn't be here without you, I truly believe that and I will be eternally grateful.

My Family

The First Week.....

2011-05-25T20:47:00.000-05:00

The question I have been asked most throughout the entire pregnancy now has an answer. Does the puking stop immediately after the baby is born? Answer: Not this time (it did with Fiona).

We spent the first few days in the hospital. Our first night we had to stay in labor and delivery as I was on mag sulfate and we were watching my blood pressure closely. It was behaving itself for the moment so that was a bonus. Tuesday morning Fiona got to meet her little brother Euan for the first time. She was mildly interested but overall preferred to run around the hospital room and read her new Elmo book. It was good for us to see her.

Tuesday I was feeling ok for the most part, tired of course. Still a bit nauseated but not puking. Tried my darnest to eat and drink since we capped off my PICC line that morning. I was quite enjoying the ice water aspect of life. Euan was beginning to eat well which lead itself to what they call "afterpains." I call them contractions. I read before I had Euan that they are more intense with the second and subsequent children. I would agree 100%. I found myself singing the ABC's and breathing through them. I also found myself very nauseated and feeling generally crummy during these. Tuesday's highlight was the removal of my PICC line. Whoop whoop!!

Overnight Tuesday my BP was rising and they started me on medication. Our plan was to go home Wednesday and Euan got the green light to go. I did not. That day was not one of my favorites. I was feeling poor and had my first postpartum vomit in a ziploc bag while Euan was eating. I cried. Poor kid got squished for 9 months while I puked and now I was trying to puke while he ate. It was later that evening when I really struggled with vomiting everything and my BP skyrocketed. It began to make sense to me. Euan eats. Hormones are released. Uterus contracts. I vomit. My BP goes up. It's all hormone related. Stupid hormones. Thankfully between drugs and a few sporadic hours of sleep my BP improved. I wasn't puking like a crazy person anymore so that was good too. I finally got the green light to go home!

Being at home has been a tiny bit of a whirlwind. Euan's bili level was up a bit so we went to the pediatrician 3 of the first 4 days we were home. Thankfully he is gaining weight and the bili level is heading down. I headed to the doc for my BP, which still not great and it is pretty obvious to me when its up since I get dizzy and lightheaded. I go back in 2 weeks.

Fiona is adjusting well, the big thing we've noticed is she wants to be held more. Overall she has been an outstanding big sister and likes to kiss Euan.

Ryan went back to work on Monday. Would have loved to have him around longer but when you own a small company it doesn't exactly work that way. I am grateful that my parents continue to be superbly helpful.

My hope was to feel better once the baby was born. Overall I do. I think I was a bit too optimistic about how good I would feel. I need to remember that I've been feeling like a pile since October so it might take more than a few days to feel great again. Baby steps!

Oh, and to answer a lingering question - he was well worth every minute of feeling like crap.

The day Euan arrived

2011-05-20T21:11:00.000-05:00

The night before Euan was born.

Monday morning I was supposed to call my doc first thing to get an appointment to be seen to check my BP and such. I called and was supposed to come in around 0930 - so I did. My Dad had already come over in the morning as I was on bedrest and not quite able to care for Fiona, so they were playing and having as much fun as two people can!  When I left I told my Dad I'd see him who knows when (as I'd ended up at St. Joe's Thur & Fri for a few hours) and tried to kiss a running 21 month old.

My BP was 154/96 when I first arrived and on recheck 160/104. That was it. Dr. Sportiello checked my cervix, was able to strip my membranes and said it was time. Not that my cervix was really ready but it was a bit better (in case you care -3 station, 40% effaced and 1cm if you are being generous) and BP was worse and Euan was bigger so lets have a baby. Of course while I half expected to hear this I was also quite surprised and a bit overwhelmed. My thoughts were a bit like this. Really? Today? Like, drive over to St. Joe's, actually check in, get pitocin and have a baby? Are you sure? So you are telling me I can stop puking, pull the PICC line and have a baby? Um.....ok. I cried, called Ryan (who seemed pretty surprised too), hugged her medical assistant and left.

As I drove I realized the best part about induction: driving to the hospital without puking. Hands down! The biggest thing I had dreaded I didn't have to do! Yippie.

Pitocin always sounded scary to me....I didn't want it. I wanted a nice natural labor. Today I knew pitocin and I needed to be friends. Once I got to St. Joe's there was no messing around and pitocin was running by 1030.  The plan was to get it going to help bring the baby down and thin my cervix. Then of course we'd work on some dilation. Dr. Sportiello also said she'd probably break my water at some point after the contractions were consistent. It didn't take long for the contractions to start being consistent at 2-3 min apart. For the first few hours they were tolerable, crampy and painful but I was able to be sociable and hummed the ABC's through my contractions (weird, I know, but it helped). Around 1500 the nurse said the resident was going to check me and we were probably going to break my water. I was really glad I asked her what she thought my cervix would be, she said probably further down, more effaced but not anymore dilated. If I hadn't asked I would have been severely disappointed. -1 station (but to me the difference was huge, I could just tell by how she checked me it was much more down and in front), 60-70% effaced but still 1cm. She broke my water which was nice clear fluid and we pressed on, literally.

Now I've been told once your water breaks it is a bit of a different story. With Fiona, my water broke about an hour before she was born so I would tend to agree but it was hard for me to say what that whole hour was about. The contractions were becoming more intense (my ABC's were getting seriously interrupted and louder) and I was getting tired. For some reason I felt surprised by this but its not like I came into it feeling 100% so I know I shouldn't have been. I desparately wanted to move around in attempts to get more comfortable but that was not going to happen, I had to stay in bed due to my blood pressure. Not exactly how I wanted to labor. Then the puking and heaving started. I had a half a bagel with peanut butter all day and it made every effort on way too many occasions to find its way out. Side note: I give my nurse a lot of credit, she was really good about titrating the pitocin down if she thought the contractions were not far enough apart. She knew it had to be done carefully to work well.

By 1830 I was seriously losing steam, wanted to crawl out of the darn bed in any attempt to get comfortable and I believe I told Ryan I wanted something to be easy about the pregnancy, he he.  My nurse checked me and my world was just deflated. I was 0 station, effaced but 2cm.  I clearly remember thinking 3 hours after you broke my water and I'm still only 2cm??? Screw this, I'm done. Where is the white towel? I give up. I'm tired. I want my baby and I want to go home. Then another contraction hit and of course all those thoughts left my world and I was back attempt to hum/moan the ABC's. That is when I decided nubain (an IV drug to essentially help take the edge off) was going to be my friend now. I didn't want drugs but I needed to do something both physically and mentally. Nubain came and I literally could not keep my eyes open which I guess was good because it allowed me to sleep for the minute between contractions. For lack of a better way to describe it I think it makes you feel drunk. The peak seemed a bit less too as I realized I could hum the ABC's better. This relief was pretty short lived. I remember my nurse leaving at 1900 ish and giving report to the night nurse (who happened to be the nurse who delivered Fiona, how awesome is that).

It was around 1945 when they wanted to put an internal probe on the baby to monitor the heart rate better - external probe was picking up mine during contractions. At that point I didn't care much, I was too miserable. It was shortly before 2000 when resident came to check me and put the probe on. I was 8 1/2 cm - whoop whoop (I knew something crazy had been happening). Probe was on and baby was doing fine. I am pretty sure I rolled back over had a contraction, maybe two and was decently sure I needed to push. I think I mumbled something about lots of pressure and not leaving. I was alert enough to hear that my doctor was in the OR delivering twins. About 5 minutes after the probe was put on they checked me again to find I was complete and could push. Awesome! I was pretty sure whether or not I wanted to push he was coming. Like a whirlwind got the bed undone and here comes my doctor. First push I knew it was close by the feel of things. Everyone said they could see the head - yikes! 3 contractions worth of pushes later I met my son.

It happened very quickly and was entirely surreal and very much an out of body experience for me. I feel like I don't really know exactly what was happening and yet I do. I saw Ryan cry, remember looking at my baby covered in vernix, thanking people and yet repeatedly asking what was happening. It didn't take too long before I felt a bit more like I was on planet earth but still couldn't believe what had happened. Euan looked like a million bucks, I on the other hand wanted to bleed more than they preferred. Took a bit but we got it under control. Ryan and I were on cloud 9. A healthy baby boy after all this time. How can you not believe in God?

It wasn't long before eveyone realized my blood pressure wasn't going to cooperate and come down. Magnesium sulfate was started after I tried to protest but I was able to negotiate commode privelages and forgo the catheter. We had to stay in labor and delivery overnight and our nurse was cool with Euan staying too (apparently usually they take the baby away....I was not having that). Euan wasn't interested in eating right away so instead he had a bath. We made a few brief phone calls and decided it was time to think about going to bed. Then we realized food might be warranted. A special thank you to my good friend Julie for making a late night Taco Bell run and delivery to St. Joe's around midnight. Not a bad way to top off the day.

While I am no longer imperfectly pregnant I sure have gotten a lot of questions about how I am feeling now, how life is eating and drinking, etc. I'll work on getting some of those questions answered soon. Let's just say I used a ziploc bag or two since Euan arrived.

Mr. Euan Finley O'Neil

2011-05-17T16:40:00.000-05:00

Euan Finley O'Neil graced our presence on 5/16/11 at 2019 weighing in at 7lb 3oz and measuring a nice 19.5in.

I will share the details of how he arrived shortly. Until then..... a cute photo!

The latest on BP, puking and the Bitoski!

2011-05-14T19:09:00.000-05:00

The first few days of bedrest haven't been too bad (but I haven't been here much). The hardest part is when Fiona wants me to come play or pick her up....breaks my heart. I'll hit the highlights of the past few days which have consisted of daily trips to the doc and I'll try not to ramble just because I have nothing else to do. :)

Face pic (sideways).
You can make out the nose & lips.

Bitoski. S/he looks great! Measuring at 38 weeks 1 day (I was 36 & 5 yesterday). Blood flow and everything else looked great. Yay!!!

Blood pressure. BP is still pretty high at times. Peaked at 160/102 at the doc yesterday. It does improve a bit when I am laying down (hence the bedrest).

Pee. We are now finding protein in my urine (first time was yesterday). I finished doing a 24 hour urine collection to check the total protein.

St. Joe's Labor & Delivery. I spent a few hours both Thursday and Friday at St. Joe's watching the baby, my BP and having bloodwork done (which continues to look good). I think I need to refuse to go back there until I am in labor, it's depressing to leave there pregnant.

Headache = annoyance. Essentially since the BP has been up I have been having a headache on & off going in waves of severity. In attempting to take oral tylenol I entertained the nursing staff at St. Joe's. Of course it ended up in my emesis basin within a few minutes. I did explain liquids were no good but figured I should make an effort.

Puking. Seems slightly less annoying. Probably because I can get up to do it. Thankfully it has been tolerable.

My cervix. I have to thank it for doing a nice job of staying shut and protecting the baby up until now. But now could you please thin out and open up? It is currently pretty thick and barely open. Boo.

The plan. Continue on bedrest. We were darn close to having a baby yesterday but my cervix is so unfavorable now an induction would likely lead to a C-section. No one wants that, especially me, for a handful of good reasons. I go back to see the doctor on Monday.

Until then I will keep the couch warm, watch my little lady play and be thankful I get the opportunity to have another baby.

BEDREST

2011-05-11T18:27:00.000-05:00

Yup. Bedrest. Didn't expect that one. I will apologize now if this post sounds angry, frustrated and even a bit bitter. That is where I am at.

Yesterday morning I felt rotten in general. Same old nausea and puking but it was something else too that I couldn't put my finger on. Along with it I had a bit of a headache. I had a doctor's appointment in the afternoon where we noticed my blood pressure (BP) was high. Figures. Normally it runs on the low side and when I get my dressing changes done (which have been every 2 days for a while now; my BP has been good).  My doc sent me for blood work and I was to come back today to see those results and how my BP was.  She did say that bedrest was an option along with induction depending on my blood work. Of course I thought to myself, won't be bad enough for induction just bad enough for bedrest. I was right.

I headed back to the doctor early this afternoon. Blood work didn't look too bad but my BP was still too high. Bedrest it is. Ultrasound to make sure the Bitoski is doing well and a visit with the doc on Friday afternoon.

So much for going to work tomorrow or doing anything else for that matter.  I am just frustrated as I was stupidly hoping the rest of the pregnancy would be status quo - puking and PICC line problems. Apparently I was wrong. Now I have to lay here. Boo. Suggestions on things to do would be swell (reading much more than a paragraph or two makes me yak and I prefer the TV not be on too much with Fiona around).

In other news - having more pukes lately (shocking) but the PICC line is beginning to heal thanks to a diligent Pam.

I am praying for a healthy baby sooner than later and a bit of patience for me (and those who have to deal with me).

Being prepared.

2011-05-10T20:47:00.000-05:00

It isn't a secret that I am a planner and I enjoy organization. Since I've had Fiona I've had to let that go a bit which I think hasn't been entirely a bad thing. But overall I still strive for freakish organization if possible. So of course I am well organized for the Bitoski to arrive.

The Fiona factor. Last pregnancy we could just up and leave for the hospital. This time we have to consider Fiona. So I did. My parents live less than 10 minutes away so they will be called when the time comes (if they aren't already here). I have a list of other family and friends (names and phone numbers) to call in case for some crazy reason my parents run away. I think I am overly paranoid about Fiona because of her food allergies (soy & eggs - which doesn't sound like a big deal but start reading labels and you'd be surprised). So needless to say I'd rather be over prepared. I have a 4 page typed document about her normal routines and food that is in the freezer and in the fridge that is Fiona safe (yup I now update it every day just so I can sleep better at night). I think to myself, my parents are here all the time, they know all of this....but like I said, they might just flee the state and then someone would need all this information. And in my mind I will sleep better at night by having this done.

The nursery is set. Clothes are washed and organized by size. Closet is set up. Diapers are washed and stuffed. Crib is ready with nice clean sheets. It is as ready as it can be!

Our go bag is packed. There are a few things that can't be put in there right this minute (laptop, camera) but those 6 things are on a typed list on top of the bag (along with where to find them). Gosh, I sound like a freak! My thought on my freaky organization is this - if I can easily tell someone where to find something that makes everything less stressful. I would rather not be running around and trying to pack a bag and find who knows what when labor day actually comes. I'd rather spend a few extra minutes with Fiona or empty the dishwasher (I do remember Ryan gathering the computer last time I was in labor and I told him I thought we should empty the dishwasher instead). I don't think the dishwasher ever got emptied before we left!

So we are all prepared and ready. Apparently all I need now is to work on my patience.....and have the baby.

Happy Mother's Day!

2011-05-07T19:20:00.000-05:00

I want to wish all the Mom's (and Mother's to be) a very happy Mother's Day. When I think about Mother's Day a few things come to mind.

Being a Mom. It has brought endless joy to my life and there isn't a single thing I wouldn't do for Fiona or this baby. While pregnancy has not been easy I wouldn't trade my children for the world. Being a Mom is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

Mother's Day 2010

My Mom. When I hear the word Mom the first person I think of is my mom who is the most selfless woman I know. I've said it before but if I could even begin to be half the Mom to my children she has been to me, my kids will be truly blessed. I know I would not be who I am or where I am today without her. I also would not be getting through this pregnancy without her love, help and support.

A Mother's love. When I was pregnant with Fiona people told me how much I would love the baby. It is a concept you think you understand but I don't really think you can until the baby comes. Then you have the ability to experience the love and bond that comes with parenthood. The first time I really realized this was when I heard a story about an infant abduction on the news when Fiona was about a week or two old. Those stories were touching to me before she was born but after she was here and heard the story I nearly had a panic attack at the thought of losing her. The feeling of love is indescribable. To all the future parents out there I won't attempt to explain it. I'll let you all experience it. I look forward to being a Mom for a second time and having that experience all over again.

Happy Mother's Day to all those fantastic Mom's out in the world.

Less pukey, more rashy

2011-05-02T21:01:00.000-05:00

Let's start with the good news. For the past week I haven't been vomiting myself silly! Yay!!! Not to say I haven't vomited but it has been more tolerable and I only feel like I have a mild case of the flu instead of the having been hit by a mack truck. I'll take it for sure. I am absolutely keeping my fingers crossed this keeps up until the baby arrives.

On the other hand my PICC line has decided that since I am puking less it should take center stage. Last week my skin started to blister and ooze again so we went back to every 2 day dressing changes while putting steroid cream on. A tad bit of background - not sure if I mentioned but I got the line sutured in back in February when my skin got angry originally and blistered up. I would say about 6 weeks ago one of the sutures got pulled out (my line got caught on a door handle and no it didn't feel good). So it has been hanging on by one which has been ok. On Saturday the other suture came out. With both sutures out there wasn't much holding my line in. Needless to say having my "lifeline" not secured isn't really an option and my skin is so blistered and irritated resuturing was the only good option. So today I went back to St. Joe's to get the line sutured in.

After my visit to St. Joe's

Every time I go there not in labor I am a little bitter and crabby about it all. Next time. Anyway after about 2 hours and some sweet talking the docs that the line is working fine I convinced them to suture it back in and let me go home.

After Pam came....much better!

The aftermath was messy but thankfully Pam came over tonight to fix it up. Thankfully the line itself continues to work well. It only needs to work for a few more weeks. Oh, and the docs and nurses in radiology have a 3 to 1 vote that the baby is a girl. We'll just have to wait and see!

The Bitoski

2011-04-28T19:50:00.000-05:00

I often call the baby "The Bitoski."  This likely makes no sense to anyone, so I will explain.

Somehow Ryan ended up being called Mr O. (now I think my Dad may have started it but my memory could be wrong). Once that started Ryan began calling me Mrs. O. Apparently, one day I was bored with Mr. O. and decided to call him Mr. Oski instead. No reason, just felt like it. Imagine that.....it stuck and Oski gets thrown around here with other terms of endearment.

So, when I was pregnant with Fiona, we had made up a lovely song that we sang to the "Baby In There." Since the gender is unknown we began singing the song to this baby. There is the BIT part.  Of course it just made sense in our warped minds to combine the BIT & Oski hence "The Bitoski."  As weird as it sounds, we like it.

Somehow I think s/he will prefer his or her name better than The Bitoski!

Feeling pretty!

2011-04-25T20:51:00.000-05:00

What girl doesn't like to feel pretty? I think we all do. I feel I have been lacking a bit in the pretty department lately (this is not a pity post where I want compliments, it is strictly me stating facts about how I am feeling). Recently I was blessed to feel like a pretty pregnant lady! I unhooked my IV fluids and zofran and had some photos taken.

I feel less than pretty sometimes, but who doesn't? First things first, the backpack is just plain ugly. Enough said. I used to shower every day. Now it is a every 2 or 3 day thing (the PICC line is not conducive to showering and hot water is a nice vomiting trigger). My hair is greasy and my comfortable clothes with lots of pockets for ziplocs are not the prettiest. The broken blood vessels in my face from puking are also a really nice accessory to my sweatsuits.

Wearing my glasses helps cover the bags under my eyes (man sometimes I look really bad without them) so those contacts have lived in the drawer for months. One of these days I'll put them in again. I am thankful that my parents have taught me about what is important and I am glad I have good self esteem. It is easy enough to laugh at myself looking like a terrible grease ball.

It was really nice to feel normal and beautiful.

Update

2011-04-18T20:06:00.000-05:00

In my past few posts I haven't really mentioned anything about how things are going in my world. So I figured I should. While I would like to use another word to describe it I will just say poor.

The vitamin B6 started a few weeks ago and I began on a smaller dose than was recommended so I increased the dose. I quickly realized I then struggled with insomnia at night....literally laying in bed for hours. Now since I didn't notice any large difference when I increased the dose of B6, I cut back after about a week of not sleeping well. Now I am back to a more tolerable dose and sometimes sleeping better. Overall the B6 isn't the magic medication I was hoping it would be.

In general there has been minimal difference lately, but I did have one day that I didn't puke at all (a very nice fluke)! The past few days have been terrible. The vomiting has started around 4am and just continued through the day. I feel like a slowly moving zombie and my emotions are a bit frayed as I found myself crying in the bathroom yesterday. Thankfully Ryan was there to help me up and give me a hug. I am extremely frustrated and yet on some level I wonder why. I sometimes feel like I just don't want to talk about it anymore. When people ask me how I am I would just prefer to change the subject. I genuinely appreciate the concern but I feel as though my life is consumed with vomiting and I would rather talk about almost anything else.

But we are getting through everyday and I am doing my best to enjoy this special time with Fiona.

Vasectomy......done.

2011-04-14T20:13:00.000-05:00

I've heard of women getting "push" presents after they have children. I personally find this a little ridiculous but that is simply my opinion. How about buying me some flowers and lets call it a day. It was around Christmas when I thought of something much better than a push present. Ryan getting a vasectomy. Since he is a rock star husband he said sure.

Now I will answer some of the questions you've already thought of. Yes we are both 29 years old but we gave it a lot of thought. First question: What if something happens to this baby? Well, that is a possibility but I have faith that the baby will be fine (and if for some reason that isn't the case then God had another plan). Next: What if I die? Well then I will leave my husband with two small children, he'd have to find a new lady who wants more kids and then agree to that. Likelihood of this: slim at best. Next question: What if I die with the children? Well then Ryan will be crushed and probably not looking to start another family, let me quote him "I'll whore myself out and be glad I won't get anyone pregnant." Nice honey....this is why I love him. Biggest question: Are you sure you don't want more kids? My answer is I think so. But I should clarify - I know I don't want to be pregnant again. If we want more children we can foster or adopt. End of story. My pregnancies have been difficult on me of course. But I not only have to think of myself but my children, husband and parents who are also going through this with us. I won't do that again to any of us. And yes I know every pregnancy is different but I am not a gambler.

So the vasectomy was done in February. Somehow I think Ryan enjoyed some aspects of this like the fact he got to lay on the couch for a whole day. Reminiscent of life without kids. He did great and followed doctors orders and had no problems. Having a good doc helped (Dr. Jay Sandlow). Dare I say....it was easy. He would agree, just ask. The one concern he had was regarding the first sexual encounter, solo or otherwise. The analogy he kept using was a Ferrari going 200 miles per hour through a tunnel and hitting a brick wall. I can report that did not happen. Whew.

Some may say we jumped the gun. My vote is we will both sleep better at night.

The morning phone call

2011-04-13T19:55:00.000-05:00

Every morning I make a phone call to my home care nursing agency. If they don't hear from me, they call me. It reminds me a bit of being in the old folks home where if you don't turn on the light switch they come find you.

Each day they want to know how I am doing and need specific information from me. The big three that I can guarantee they want to know is how much do I weigh (yup, I get on the scale every morning), are my ketones negative and what my temperature is (which could possibly be a sign of an infection in my PICC line). Depending on the day I will get asked other questions like how many times did you vomit and dry heave? How many hours were you nauseated? How many times did you pee? To that question I would like to respond with something a bit sarcastic along the lines of really, with the 100 oz of fluid I get every day and the person who lives on my bladder, how many times do you think I pee?  Anyway, some days are different as Monday is inventory day.  I have a list of info and give them how many medications I have of each kind along with number of batteries, tubings, flushes, IV bags and dressing change kits. Tuesday is of course delivery day.

Most of the time I talk to the same nurse, Stephanie, but she doesn't work 7 days a week so sometimes I get someone different. Depending on the day this is no big deal but sometimes it makes me crazy because I have to explain my world again. With Stephanie the conversation is great and with some others it is painful.  If it is Monday and I get someone different I have to make sure they know what kind of tubing I use or I get something goofy in the mail or they don't send me enough IV fluids. The rest of the chat goes something like this. I sigh, take a deep breath and listen.  No, I don't drink. Yes, it makes me vomit. Yes, I tried a slushie, popsicle and every other type of frozen liquid you can imagine. Yes, I've heard that lemon helps.  Yes, I know that a bland diet could help. Yes, I tried the other 55 things you are going to recommend over the next 6 minutes and I've been doing this since October so can we cut the BS and end this lovely phone call (now I don't quite say that but man would I like to sometimes).

Overall I really like my home nursing agency and I know the nurses I speak with everyday obviously care about my well being and that of the baby which is all I can ask for.

What scares me

2011-04-09T19:56:00.000-05:00

I don't think there is a pregnant woman out there who doesn't worry about the health of their unborn baby (well there might be but let's not think about them). I try not to excessively worry but I am tremendously concerned about how my hyperemesis is affecting the baby. I could go on about all the things that my mind comes up with, but I won't. I am a nurse and I see odd things, so of course I imagine the worst. I could easily write a novel about all the things that scare me but I will spare you all but a few things.

The medications I take. The one that really scares me is zofran (anti-nausea drug) which helps me not vomit 24/7. I've been taking it since I was 6 weeks pregnant and I take a very high dose. I try not to go to the ugly place in my mind that in the future they will learn it does crazy things to children. But I did take it with Fiona and she is pretty awesome so that eases my mind slightly.

My diet isn't ideal. I do make a good effort to eat a well balanced diet. But when it ends up in the toilet it seems futile sometimes and I get awful frustrated by it. I honestly wonder why I bother eating nice green leafy things when I could flush them just as easily. I'll read about what a pregnant lady should eat and I think well what I am eating is better than nothing. Just the thought of fish (which has wonderful Omega - 3's) is well...lets move on.

I am very reassured by my doctor and ultrasounds that the baby is doing well and growing like a weed. I just need to have faith that the medications are helping me grow a healthy baby and are keeping me well enough to do so. What other choice do I have?

My outstanding coworkers

2011-04-05T21:01:00.000-05:00

I have been back to work since January. When I returned I had a new appreciation and enjoyment for my job and I can honestly say I really like my job. Being at work is a struggle and I know that without the support and understanding of my coworkers it wouldn't be possible. I have been at Children's Hospital of Wisconsin for almost 7 years and I think the team we have now is the best it has ever been.

People look out for one and other and everyone has been looking out for me. It is a great group of people who keep me smiling. It is the little things that I appreciate. Like when I leave the bathroom and someone is kindly waiting there with a toothbrush and toothpaste (now why they would assume I was vomiting is beyond me). Or when someone checks on an alarm in a room that smells less than ideal. The great people who have swithched their assignments so I can take care of the non-isolation patients (yes, I am being politically correct here). Those kind ladies who have stayed for me or come in even a few minutes early so I could head home. Everyone who listens to my goofy stories about vomiting in the tunnel. The people who have brought food to my house. Everyone who asks how I am doing and if there is anything they can do. I thank you all. I've heard from many people that CHW is a great place to work but I think Center 7 is a step above the rest and for that I am very grateful. Thank you all. I couldn't do it without you.

Life without water

2011-04-02T20:14:00.000-05:00

I get a lot of questions about the fact that I don't drink anything. Ryan said yesterday, isn't the definition of insanity doing something over and over and expecting different results? (I believe it was an Albert Einstein quote actually). I laughed but I am going to tend to agree. When I drink, I vomit. So after a while I said, forget it.

The last time I had water was sometime in November. I think once in a while about the fact that people can't live without water. Then I thank modern medicine and think, unless you have IV fluids of course. Water was the first beverage to go as it is notorious for causing problems with hyperemesis patients. All other beverages quickly followed as they weren't any better. Sporadically I would try to drink something to see what would happen as I was hoping it was getting better as the pregnancy progressed. I still vomited. So my answer was, why bother.

I get lots of questions about my mouth being dry. It honestly isn't bad except in the morning when I first wake up. Then it is pretty comparable to a desert. Otherwise it isn't bad, but I do get about 100 ounces of fluid a day so I am well hydrated. How many people really drink that much? I don't really miss it with my meals, I just don't think about it anymore. Other people seem more bothered by it than I am probably because I am very used to it. I do get thirsty from time to time. More often after I am at work. I seem to get cravings for liquids more than really thirsty for them. And man are they everywhere, and people drink them so quickly. I watch Ryan just easily chug a glass of water and I think, hmm, must be nice.

Lately my philosophy has changed a bit since my vomiting has increased. If I've been vomiting a lot already and I feel like having a sip of something, I will. Why not, since I am vomiting anyway. I don't do this often since it does seem a bit insane but every so often I am dumb enough to do it.

I am extremely excited about a big glass of ice water, an ice cold Pepsi and a cappuccino after the baby arrives. I have to admit I am a bit nervous though but I have no doubt it will be just fine and taste phenomenal.

Dressing change day!

2011-03-30T20:07:00.000-05:00

Wednesday is dressing change day. Pam, my home care nurse comes every Wednesday to change my PICC dressing. It is a recurring event on my google calendar. Gosh, I lead an exciting life.

My arm starting to heal
(February).

I first met Pam when she came to set up my zofran pump. I mentioned this before but she said if all goes well we wouldn't ever see each other again. Well she was back twice to start peripheral IV's within the next week. Once I got my PICC line, I knew we'd have a weekly date until it came out. When I ran into problems with my PICC line (long story short my arm blistered and ozzed under the dressings, generally my skin was mad), Pam was here every day or every other day for over a month. She works in Waukesha and lives is Dousman and even on the snowiest of days she came in her tiny car to take care of my PICC line. I am confident that my PICC line is still in and working today because of Pam. Now even this week I had an issue with some blistering and Pam came out on Monday to check it out. She of course came again today to ensure things were good. The PICC has been in for 4 1/2 months and it needs to last 2 more so we are being very careful. Pam also has a helper depending on the time she comes as Fiona now enjoys standing guard and watching the dressing changes. She will also bring flushes and alcohol wipes in case Pam needs a few extra.

Along with the dressing changes Pam takes my vitals and I get to answer the fun questions of how many times did you vomit, how many hours were you nauseated, how bad was the nausea, stuff like that. I like Pam and appreciate her understanding and compassion. The best part of her visits is when we listen to baby's heart beat which is reassuring. It always puts a smile on my face.

Keeping it in perspective

2011-03-27T20:23:00.000-05:00

I have said I am a lucky woman. I truly believe that. This experience while not easy is self limiting. It has been a learning experience and I hope to come out of this a better person. I am grateful to be surrounded by outstanding support. There is nothing like a funeral to help me remember all of this. Yesterday I attended the funeral of a dear friend's father. It just reminds me how I need to cherish every minute and not wallow in what is not going well. Don't get me wrong, I still think this vomiting business sucks. But it just brought to the forefront that this will be over in 10 weeks (I'm personally shooting for 8) and I will end this ordeal with the most precious gift I could ask for. How many people can say that being sick ends with something so wonderful? This is the last time I will get to experience being 30 weeks pregnant, so I intend to make the most of it and enjoy what I can. Those outstanding little kicks, rolls and seemingly dances of joy almost always put a smile on my face (occasionally they lead to vomiting, then I don't smile too much).

I also want to share that I have been taking the Vitamin B6 since Thursday night. I have not noticed much if any difference at this point. The vomiting continues more often than I'd like. On Friday a couple people told me that I looked a little better. So its either good for my skin or they are just lying to me! I will keep up with the B6 and give it a bit more time before I render a verdict.

A rough patch

2011-03-24T20:33:00.000-05:00

In a previous post I mentioned how I had hit a plateau with how I had been feeling. I would sporadically vomit and even have those glorious days when I didn't at all. Overall I was getting used to our new normal and getting through daily life. The past couple weeks things have gotten a bit worse. The vomiting has increased to about 5-6 times a day and I generally feel like I am exhausted and simply running on empty (essentially a constant state of the flu). I haven't done anything differently so of course this comes with a good deal of frustration. At this point my doctor is unsure what to do so she referred me to a specialist.

This morning I saw a perinatologist (an obstetrician mainly used for patients with high-risk pregnancies). First I had an ultrasound done as they wanted to ensure the baby is growing appropriately. Best news of the day is that the baby is great! Growing like a weed and moving like a crazy person. S/he is actually on the big side....83rd percentile. Who would have thought, hey? So Dr. Worthington (the perinatologist) didn't have too much new insight to add to my current situation but was pleased the baby was doing well. His only new thought was to add some additional Vitamin B6 to my IV fluids to see if that would help with the vomiting. The B6 arrived late this afternoon so I will add it to my bag tonight and say a prayer it helps a bit.

In the mean time I am attempting to come to grips with the fact that the increased vomiting, fatigue and seriously low energy might be the new normal until the baby is born. This is frustrating as I felt like I was hitting a routine and becoming a bit more independent. I have now reverted back to relying more on my parents and husband on a daily basis. I know I've said it before but I don't know how I'd do it without them. They are the definition of good people.

Tuesday = Supplies = Fiona Fun!

2011-03-22T19:30:00.000-05:00

Every Tuesday my friend the Fed Ex man comes to my house with 2 or 3 large heavy boxes of IV fluids, medications and supplies. Who cares, right? Wrong. When I bring in the boxes (yup I know I shouldn’t because they are pretty heavy but if no one is here I bring them in) Fiona goes crazy. She claps, squeals and gets down right happy to see the boxes. I can barely get them open fast enough for her liking. But once they are open, my work is essentially done.

I learned months ago that she quite liked to be helpful and was a pretty strong little girl. So one by one Fiona carries the IV bags (usually there are 21 - I use 3 per day so it lasts a week) and puts them into the bin where they live. She has learned the best way to carry them and it doesn’t faze her if she drops one she just picks it right back up. The OCD part of me used to rearrange them to look nice, but then I wondered if I had really lost my mind and left them just the way she puts them because I thought if someone would really care that my IV bags aren’t organized they would just have to leave my house. The IV bags are by far Fiona’s favorite.

She does like the other things though too – especially the ice pack that comes with my medication. She will run around the house with it and I swear nearly get frostbite on her hands before she will give it back. Alcohol wipes are also a great source of entertainment. They fit just about anywhere and we find them everywhere (so far the best place was the fridge, which she can’t open herself so she must have snuck that in somehow). Her preference is to dump them out and put them all back in the bag or if that isn’t as fun, file them in our file drawer. The latest fascination is with the flushes. I think it is because they are wrapped in crinkly plastic (picture of her unloading those on the left). The poor girl is going to be sad when Tuesday is just another day and all of these fun “toys” are gone. I on the other hand will be one happy lady!

Why do people stare?

2011-03-20T21:33:00.000-05:00

I can really answer my own question, it is human nature and people are curious. I am guilty of it and I am guessing most people are.  My issue is the long awkward staring that makes the person you are staring at feel bad about something they likely can't do anything about.  I personally have only experienced this for a short time.  I am really having a new sense of what someone who looks different for any reason whether it is their skin color, a physical disabilty or having medical equipment (wheelchair, oxygen etc.) must go through everyday.

Usually in my errands to the grocery store or Target I don't notice too many of those awkward stares which is nice. My pet peeve at the grocery store is the people who keep running into my backpack. What I'd really like to say is yes I know it is big, bulky and in your way but I'm the one stuck with it 24/7 so just deal with it for the minute it bothers you. Where I seem to find the staring more prominent is at restaurants or other places where it is less hectic (not that I get out much these days). Ryan and I went to a nice dinner and it was incredible the amount people whose heads nearly spun off to stare at me getting up, putting on my backpack to go use the bathroom. I felt like I was wearing flashing Christmas lights on my head.  Sometimes I think I should wear a sign on the backpack saying "I'm pregnant. I vomit. This helps." What I would like people to do instead of staring is just ask what it's for. The families I care for at work most often ask about the backpack. Many ask immediately but some take a while.  I don't bring it up but I really don't mind people asking, I would rather have them know then just assume who knows what.  I have yet to get a negative response about it, which I know others who get stared at are likely not as lucky.

I am very blessed to know this will end for me.  It has definitely opened my eyes to how much just a look or too long of a look can make someone feel. Think about it the next time you see someone who looks different than you.  I sure do.

Ziploc bags. Don’t leave bed without them.

2011-03-19T12:35:00.002-05:00

This lesson I learned when I was pregnant with Fiona and use it too often with this pregnancy. Ziploc bags make for great vomit receptacles. Now it did take me a bit and a few embarrassing situations (vomiting in hallways, elevators, parking lots, places no one wants to see) to figure this out but I’m a pretty quick learner and began carrying them with me. If you see me these days, just ask where my Ziploc bag is. I have many and they are everywhere. I currently have one tucked into my waistband as I am wearing pants with no pockets and a T-shirt. My anxiety level would be greatly increased if I did not have one on me at all times. I always have a backup and my trusty backpack comes in handy. Two bags live in there. There are even some next to my bed as you just never know when you might need one. Jacket pockets are great as are purses and diaper bags.

There has to be a lot in the car. No question. I learned that lesson in the car after I only had one, had already used it and reopened it. Bad idea. When I was in labor with Fiona, Ryan did a smart thing and just took the box with us in the car. Now some of you might be entirely grossed out by this and I get it. Then you have my husband who is great about taking my Ziploc bags after I get home from work (often there is vomiting on the way home) and he often comments about it and what I ate that day. He never ceases to put a smile on my face. I’ve also learned you don’t want to go cheap, buy the Ziploc brand. They seal well. Can’t have the bags coming open, it really defeats the purpose of them in the first place. If only they made one that wasn't see-through.

The PICC line I love to hate.

2011-03-17T20:29:00.000-05:00

Some more info on the PICC (with some help from Wikipedia). A peripherally inserted central catheter (PICC line) is a form of intravenous access that can be used for a prolonged period of time. A PICC is inserted in a peripheral vein, such as the basilic vein (large vein in upper arm) and then advanced through increasingly larger veins, toward the heart until the tip rests in the distal superior vena cava (large vein that carries blood into the heart).

I love my PICC line, really I do. The biggest reason is that it has helped me carry the Bitoski until now and that s/he is healthy. I don't know if I could say that without having the PICC, it is a bit of my lifeline these days. Hands down, love the PICC line. It is sturdy where a regular IV just isn't, there is much less worry about pulling it out or getting it kinked. It lasts for a long time! I've had it since Nov 19th - almost 4 months now and it still works where normal IV's only last a few days.

I hate my PICC line. There are a few things that drive me crazy about having a PICC. It itches. A lot. Recently there was an issue when my skin got angry that it's been covered for months and blistered terribly all around my line. With the help of Pam (my home nurse), some experts at work, and every two day dressing changes things are looking better. But it still itches like crazy. Showering is a chore. The dressing can't get wet, so I use glad press & seal and then handi-wrap to seal my arm before I shower (after I unhook my pumps). Of course I can't wrap my arm myself so I must rely on Ryan or my mom to wrap my arm. Let's just say a quick shower just doesn't happen anymore. I'm hooked up to lines all the time and have to carry a backpack, it just gets old especially when the lines get caught on door knobs or something random and I almost take myself out in the process. Sleeping is different. I roll around like a crazy person at night. I figured out quickly that I had to be careful or I would get tangled and kinked. Something is always beeping at me. Some pump wants to be restarted for no reason or is needing batteries or tubing is kinked or thinks it is. My alarm clock these days is the beeping of my IV pump to tell me the bag is empty. I look forward to the day when it is a baby crying instead.

Yes the PICC drives me crazy but in the end I love it more than I hate it.

How I got to 28 weeks 2 days…..and counting!

2011-03-15T20:18:00.000-05:00

I apologize in advance for the lengthy post, but here goes.

The beginning of our conversation to have another baby was a bit entertaining but I will leave that for another time. We had always wanted more children and having Fiona has brought such joy to our lives. We wondered what another pregnancy might entail. This time we knew it could be more difficult but of course every pregnancy is different so it could be better than the first. It was a leap of faith we decided to take.

We're pregnant....Fiona is shocked!

On September 25, 2010 I found out I was pregnant with the baby I like to call Bitoski (a story for later). I hoped and prayed I would feel well and vomiting would not be a part of this pregnancy. I vomited for the first time on Oct 8th, it was a Friday and I remember it well. Things spiraled downward quickly but I was smarter now and busted out all the tricks I had learned the first time around, saw my doctor immediately and began on oral zofran. None of my tricks seemed to be working or even helping for that matter.

I went to St. Joe's for IV fluids and meds on Oct 20th with minimal relief I was back and went inpatient on the 25th to spend a rather depressing couple days in the hospital. I was about 8 weeks pregnant, very few people knew and the next 32 weeks looming ahead were frightening and seemingly impossible. I couldn't even care for myself. By Nov 8th I was back at the hospital and knew we needed a plan. A PICC line was discussed but my doctor had what we had hoped was a better idea, a subcutaneous zofran pump (very similar to an insulin pump). This would give me continuous zofran through a tiny catheter in my stomach. I was very excited. That night I was happy to meet Pam, a nurse from Alere (my home care company) who came to set up the pump and get me started. Pam said if all went well we wouldn't see each other again. I chuckle at that thought now. Anyway, the pump provided minimal relief I continued to vomit often, I was still dehydrated and needed IV fluids. Thankfully now I could get this at home but quickly realized an IV pole and Fiona who was just learning to walk made for a dangerous household. Having a regular IV was good but they don’t last very long and are fragile. It was apparent by the next week I needed constant fluids so on Nov 19^th I got a PICC line (peripherally inserted central catheter), which is a type of IV that is inserted in my arm, but the tip lies very close to my heart. The benefits are it is a stable IV and can last for the duration of the pregnancy. I have a love/hate relationship with my PICC but that will be a post for another time. I was able to get rid of the IV pole and transition my fluids to a backpack. This also allowed me to move the zofran to my PICC and off of my stomach, which was lumpy and sore from the meds.

Around Thanksgiving I was realizing that fluids were a great trigger for vomiting. Food was as well at times but drinking was almost a 100% way to induce vomiting. So I made a decision (but did speak with my doctor about it too) to stop drinking anything. No sips, no nothing (will save that for another post later and yes my mouth is dry and I do get thirsty). I finally began making progress with the puking! My energy level was still non-existent but I knew it would get a little better. By the end of the year I was starting to plateau and the vomiting was controlled to some extent – it still happened but it was tolerable and I was gaining weight.

On January 25^th we got the best news – the baby was healthy and growing well! That is all I truly care about.

For the past few months my life has become pretty routine, just a little different from the routine we were used to. Thankfully I was able to return to work.

There are lots of quarks and random weird and entertaining (well at least to me) things about my daily life I look forward to sharing in future posts.