tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-71607069122750511642024-03-18T02:47:50.075-07:00Improve CommunicationLessons from One Family's Experiments in Conflict, Parenting and LoveElaine Shpunginhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13563386804379263440noreply@blogger.comBlogger25125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7160706912275051164.post-81434759707214136642013-10-28T12:24:00.000-07:002013-10-30T19:30:48.204-07:00The Restorative Power of Recalling Who We Really Are<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img alt=""living stone" photo" class="size-full wp-image-151" src="http://restorativerevolution.files.wordpress.com/2013/10/living_stone_andesine.jpg?w=640" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Photo by Andesine on Flickr</td></tr>
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This weekend I attended my first overnight <a href="http://www.liberationpark.org/arts/sati-iv2010.htm">mindfulness meditation</a> retreat and learned some wonderful ways in which early Buddhist teachings overlap with restorative practices.<br />
<br />
For instance I learned from our teacher (Santikaro of <a href="http://www.liberationpark.org/index.htm">Liberation Park</a>, WI) that the original word currently translated as “mindfulness” has two root meanings:<br />
<ul>
<li>the more commonly understood Western concept of “being fully attentive to what is” and</li>
<li>the less well known concept of “recalling to mind”</li>
</ul>
What is it, exactly, that we are recalling?<br />
<br />
Among other things, we are recalling—or <em>bringing to mind</em>—the “heart virtues” that already live within us, including Compassion, Forgiveness, Loving Kindness, and Appreciative Joy.<br />
<br />
These
heart virtues, Santikaro reminded us, do not need to be “manufactured”
in any way; they simply need to be brought forth from within ourselves –
so we can more easily recognize and access them, as well as honor and
nurture them.<span data-mce-style="color: #ff0000;" style="color: red;"><strong><br /></strong></span><br />
<br />
This brought to mind a restorative practice we enjoy in our family,
inspired by the story of an African tribe in which, when a person
commits harm, the villagers gather around and remind the person of their
beauty (by singing that person’s special “birth song”). The
description, which varies from telling to telling, goes something like:<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<i>The tribe recognizes that the response to harmful
behavior is not punishment but love, and the memory of one’s true
identity. When we recall our own song we lose our desire to hurt others.
Our song reminds us of our beauty when we feel ugly, our wholeness when we
feel broken, our interconnectedness when we feel alone and our purpose
when we feel lost.</i></blockquote>
While the story does not seem to be rooted in any real African tribe or tradition, according to my own searches and those of <a href="http://theperfectbirth.wordpress.com/2013/04/22/the-himba-namibia-the-birth-song/">others</a>,
the legendary practice resonated with me when I first heard it years
ago, and I adopted it as part of our family’s Restorative Toolkit... <br />
<br />
[Continue reading what happens next - at our sister website: <a href="http://www.restorativerevolution.com/">www.RestorativeRevolution.com</a>] <br />
<br />Elaine Shpunginhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13563386804379263440noreply@blogger.com26tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7160706912275051164.post-54013007902262624022012-09-23T18:11:00.002-07:002012-09-24T14:48:42.131-07:00How Do You Want to Be Held?<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgf2qPPDDxThwjH7o-V-01xF-gKwsDIRQiSPv1O1xtESljvzf_CbQzf3JTlJSVARpy3hmTVsgesVwVts8EIPe0d7ITSanTVwQjj1qdWAO4mBf7fioxOJlAEGlGS7w_Ew9fmLvFKL8LW-WA/s1600/2801870408_5baf81461e.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgf2qPPDDxThwjH7o-V-01xF-gKwsDIRQiSPv1O1xtESljvzf_CbQzf3JTlJSVARpy3hmTVsgesVwVts8EIPe0d7ITSanTVwQjj1qdWAO4mBf7fioxOJlAEGlGS7w_Ew9fmLvFKL8LW-WA/s400/2801870408_5baf81461e.jpg" width="352" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Photo by <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/nunoduarte/2801870408/">Nuno Duarte</a> on Flickr</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
For the past three weeks, I've been taking beginning dance lessons in a group setting - meaning that I get to experience lots of different dance partners within a given class.<br />
<br />
To my surprise, rather than learning a lot about where to put my feet, I've been learning a lot about <i>how I want to be held</i> and <i>how I may want to hold others</i> - on the dance floor and off.<br />
<br />
From parenting to love to leadership, these beginner dance lessons have led me to look at my relationships through a refreshing new lens.<br />
<br />
<b>On the dance floor</b>, I discovered that I want to feel my partner's presence and intentions through a <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HXMqb9tKlM8&feature=related" target="_blank">firm connection between us</a> (hand on my shoulder blade, arm nestled in outstretched arm). I can then <i>sense</i> where my partner wants to go and can respond by moving in sync, rather than trying to guess where to go (hold too light) or being dragged along (grip too tight, partner pushing and pulling).<br />
<br />
<b>In my other relationships</b>, if I want to communicate an intention, do I move ahead before
connection has been established, leaving the other to feel confused or
angry? Do I grip tightly so that the other person feels like I am
pushing and pulling? Or do I make sure we have a firm connection which
allows meaning to pass between us? <br />
<br />
<b>On the dance floor</b>, I want a partner who <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c5O5nNvLo7w" target="_blank">adjusts the length of strides to mine</a>, rather than taking big, gulping steps which leave me hopping just to keep up.<br />
<br />
<b>In my other relationships</b>, when I want to take things in a new direction, do I
leap ahead impatiently, forcing the other person to hop after me or lag
behind? Or do I pace my stride, taking smaller steps so they can
experience choice and mattering if they want to join me?<br />
<br />
<b>On the dance floor,</b> when I spin, I want a partner who can offer my fingers a cup-shaped hand (not a vise or a bowl) that is <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WdxTaRPntvk" target="_blank">open enough for me to rotate freely</a>, but not so loose that I become unmoored during my spin.<br />
<br />
<b>In my other relationships</b>, when people want to explore
- to take a solo spin (with my support) - do I hold their hands so tightly they
have to wrench their wrists to turn? Do I let go completely so they spin
out of control or lose their connection with me? Or do I provide a
cupped hand that is neither too tight nor too loose, allowing them to
rotate within our shared orbit without flying out of it?<br />
<br />
<b>Finally, on the dance floor</b>, when I move away from my partner temporarily (as in a rock step in Swing) I want to feel a <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_C0GzFJGxno" target="_blank">stetchy-rubber-band tension between us</a> - a little tug with some give in it, which leads me back to my partner in time.<br />
<br />
<b>And in my other relationships</b>, when others want to stretch a bit into their autonomy,
moving away from me temporarily, do I form a tight rope between us that
threatens to pull them short? Or do I hold their hand with a bit of
give, so they feel their freedom <i>and</i> my presence, as we come apart and back together again in a dance of respect and co-creation?<br />
<br />Elaine Shpunginhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13563386804379263440noreply@blogger.com26tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7160706912275051164.post-23087483372892917442012-02-26T08:13:00.000-08:002012-02-26T08:17:59.331-08:00The Danger of Compromise<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjUOO_u10W4KK-muAKYNLhphP7QsLA1T4Dv-gB8KymVWZYLt72qinvxuT_9MelX6XlEjZCnzyp_1x4-PnwOy7yMxqP68W2XGQWdhPVdV-uAhtqaSUD6EAEjc_WA1V9QpkEw0aac_DF-dsc/s1600/5076305433_0da173f58c.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjUOO_u10W4KK-muAKYNLhphP7QsLA1T4Dv-gB8KymVWZYLt72qinvxuT_9MelX6XlEjZCnzyp_1x4-PnwOy7yMxqP68W2XGQWdhPVdV-uAhtqaSUD6EAEjc_WA1V9QpkEw0aac_DF-dsc/s1600/5076305433_0da173f58c.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/preppybyday/5076305433/in/set-72157625027572643">Photo by TheCulinaryGeek on Flickr</a></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<br />
Picture a stand-off between multiple parties.<br />
<br />
Perhaps it is between representatives of two nations sitting across a
long polished table as they butt heads over a piece of land, or perhaps
it is between red-faced members of an organization fighting over a
budget item, voices raised, or maybe its kids on a grassy field arguing
about which game to play.<br />
<br />
In our case, this morning, it was between our 9 yr old son (on sofa,
arms crossed, body tight, face scowling) and his dad (on living room
rug, visibly slowing down his breathing to be “patient,” feet planted
firmly).<br />
<br />
As with most such cases, the disagreement is initially played out not at the level of <i>intentions, values or underlying needs</i>
(safety, choice, consideration) but at the level of STRATEGIES or
actions (my son wants to eat his Top Food Choice for breakfast; we want
him to eat Third Food Choice, so I could pack Top Food Choice for his
school lunch; we have been out of Second Food Choice for a couple of
days now).<br />
<br />
It may or may not help you to know that, because our son’s diet is
severely limited by health considerations, balancing tastiness, variety
and nutrition in his meals can be a challenge in our family. Or that my
husband is working hard, right now, to be “patient” and engage in (and
model) nonviolent, non-coercive approaches to conflict.<br />
<br />
<i>The bottom line is that there is always a story.</i> Both sides
have unmet needs and, often, underlying tensions on which the conflict
seems to build. And that is exactly the point I want to make today.<br />
<br />
<a href="http://restorativerevolution.com/2012/02/23/the-danger-of-compromise/">Read what happens next - when Dad offers a Compromise (on our new Restorative Justice blog)...</a>Elaine Shpunginhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13563386804379263440noreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7160706912275051164.post-52097320860818737642012-02-14T13:03:00.000-08:002012-02-26T08:14:11.285-08:00The Key to Getting the Relationship and Love You Want<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhHXP_PCPqiGwp22KcO1Ke_4m9hiUxYCVxEi_y2D_t1Q2fd7whzDBAoti1wBlqjRJi6mGwzgZixxtd37q9vATsgMKOqDtRah26_6c5cWlA0U8QvscgmSP7_1Uq-moTGrhL4Gj8ew35WFKA/s1600/4357009380_7b183573bf.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhHXP_PCPqiGwp22KcO1Ke_4m9hiUxYCVxEi_y2D_t1Q2fd7whzDBAoti1wBlqjRJi6mGwzgZixxtd37q9vATsgMKOqDtRah26_6c5cWlA0U8QvscgmSP7_1Uq-moTGrhL4Gj8ew35WFKA/s400/4357009380_7b183573bf.jpg" width="266" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/zylenia/4357009380/">Photo by Yle is dreaming on Flickr</a></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
In my life, I spend a lot of energy thinking about how others could be different.<br />
<br />
I dream about how I'd like others to respond to me, hear me, treat me, and - while I'm at it - treat each other - differently.<br />
<br />
Of course, in theory, I wholeheartedly agree with the oft cited Gandhi quote "Be the change you want to see in the world." *<br />
<br />
Yet, when I remind myself that <b>modeling is the most powerful way to create a shift in those around me, </b>it tends to get translated - inside of me - into self-directives such as "From now on, when the kids are upset, respond with empathy" or "When triggered, pause before you speak."
<br />
<br />
Inevitably, <b>because these are phrased (to myself) as demands, my organism rebels against them</b>
(after all, we all want to have choice and freedom) and I am back to
wishing my son, husband, daughter, WHOEVER, would make it easier for me
to respond "patiently" by <i>being different</i>!<br />
<br />
<i>Shockingly (!)</i>, having a clear vision of "the change I want to see in the world" rather than a clear vision of how I can BE the change - brings me no
closer to having the quality of relationships for which I long. <br />
<br />
And it is no wonder. <a href="http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/201112/are-you-the-right-mate">Research with couples</a> and <a href="http://www.highconflictinstitute.com/blog/marriage-conflict-skills-pt-2-lessons-from-30-years-of-divorce-mediation">lessons from divorce mediation</a> have shown that <b>there is one simple, essential question that can open the door to the kind of love you want to have.</b><br />
<br />
The simple question is: <br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><b></b></span><br />
<b style="color: #cc0000;">What kind of person do I want to be?</b><br />
<br />
More specifically: <br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<i>What kind of partner do I want to be?<br /><br />What kind of parent do I want to be?<br /><br />What kind of friend do I want to be?</i></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<i>What kind of community member do I want to be?</i></blockquote>
For me,<b> </b>asking the question this way is not merely about "linguistics" - <b>for it is this phrasing that shifts my focus from behavioral strategies ("be more patient" "give more empathy") to powerful intentions</b> such as:<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
"I want to be a parent who sees the beauty in my kids", "I want to be a
partner who appreciates the time we have together", "I want to be a
friend who listens with openness" and "I want to be a community member who helps things grow."</blockquote>
<b>This shift from ACTION to INTENTION helps me connect to my HEART</b>, a place from which all things are possible - and <b>from which my actions then flow in ways that inevitably bring more love into my life.</b><br />
<br />
I still spend more time than I'd like living in the land of "why can't others..." Yet, when I do remember to pause and ask myself the Magic Question, things seem to shift almost - <i>well</i> - magically.<br />
<br />
-------------------------------------- <br />
<div style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;">* Apparently, <a href="http://www.nytimes.com/2011/08/30/opinion/falser-words-were-never-spoken.html">the origins of the Gandhi quote are in dispute</a>. I'm still a big fan of the concept, though, whether a senior or <a href="http://www.compassionatespirit.com/Be-the-Change.htm">junior Gandhi </a>said it. </span></div>
--------------------------------------<br />
<div style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<b>"Magic Question" CAVEAT: If You Fear for Your Safety</b></div>
<div style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">
The magic question is intended as a way to help open the door to self-connection for those who want to criticize less and love more. It is NOT intended as advice for people who feel unsafe in their relationships. </div>
<div style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">
If you fear your partner, if you feel like you have to walk on eggshells - constantly watching what you say and do in order to
avoid a blow-up—you may be in a what is considered an "abusive" relationship. Other signs that you may be in an abusive relationship include a partner
who belittles you or tries to control you, and feelings of
self-loathing, helplessness, and desperation.</div>
<div style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">
If this might be happening to you, I urge you to find a way to increase your safety and that of your kids, if relevant. If you are not sure, you can <a href="http://helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm">read more online</a>. If you live in the U.S. and need help getting away, call the Domestic Violence hotline (1-800-799-7233 (SAFE)) or your <a href="http://www.womenslaw.org/gethelp_type.php?type_name=State%20and%20Local%20Programs">local shelter</a>. <b>If you are in immediate danger of being hurt, please call 911. </b>If you live outside the U.S., international resources can be found at the bottom of <a href="http://helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm">this page</a>.<b><br /></b></div>
<br />
<br />
<i></i>Elaine Shpunginhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13563386804379263440noreply@blogger.com15tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7160706912275051164.post-10590972561916488122012-01-22T09:22:00.000-08:002012-01-26T08:23:07.060-08:00Is Your Way of Sharing Leadership Hurting Your Relationship?<div style="text-align: center;">
<b><i>The hidden dangers of lopsided leadership at home - and one surprising strategy that may help re-balance yours.</i></b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiS2x4PjsDBiVtaYzaJdkS58PPOGG8RkWy175eQS3OHE3W6FYKp8twPi3dN6wgH_DCCuDs6YEUXViuhR1kJXn14mS7XG0aZn5jAPM1O5LmGqrL6qedz2DYJvoGyPYlfAoymb81wlULI85Y/s1600/279682572_60f4a0447e_z.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiS2x4PjsDBiVtaYzaJdkS58PPOGG8RkWy175eQS3OHE3W6FYKp8twPi3dN6wgH_DCCuDs6YEUXViuhR1kJXn14mS7XG0aZn5jAPM1O5LmGqrL6qedz2DYJvoGyPYlfAoymb81wlULI85Y/s400/279682572_60f4a0447e_z.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/cho45/279682572/">Photo by cho45 on Flickr</a></td></tr>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
Many families and couples I know have one person who tends to take the lead: a kind of <b>family CEO</b> who seems to be in charge of decisions, suggestion, ideas, and daily schedules.<br />
<br />
<br />
In our family, that used to be me. That is, until, we decided to <b>shake things up by turning them upsidedown - with some remarkable results.</b><br />
<br />
<div style="color: #990000;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><b>Pros and Cons of Having a Clear Family Leader</b></span></div>
<br />
<b>Pros: Predictability, Ease, Efficiency</b><br />
<br />
Having a clear (even if unspoken) family leader had its advantages, including predictability, ease, and efficiency. Before our shake-up, everyone knew where to bring their Big Questions (<i>can I wear my rainboots instead of snow boots today?</i>) and whom to consult on Family Plans (<i>are we doing Indian food with the usual crowd tonight?</i>).<br />
<br />
However, it turned out that a consistent imbalance of leadership in our family also led to some unintended consequences for my partner and me.<br />
<br />
<b>Cons: Resentment, Disempowerment, Role-Stuckness</b><br />
<br />
For him, this included a (mostly unrecognized) sense of having less "power" and "mattering," which manifested in questions such as<i>: does my voice count? is my role as important in this home?</i><br />
<br />
For me, it showed up as a growing sense of "over-responsibility" which was sometimes burdensome and confining - and was evident in demands such as: <i>I want a co-parent - not helper! I can't make another decision today - can't you just pick?</i><br />
<div style="color: #990000;">
<br />
<b><span style="font-size: large;">Time for a Power-Re-Alignment? </span></b></div>
<br />
Of course we had long been aware of these role differences (which were frequently featured in "bossy-ness" jokes by our friends). However, through a series of intimate, radically honest conversations we began to have over the past 6 months, the problems with our leadership imbalance became clearer and more urgent. <b><br /></b><br />
And so, we decided to make a change -<b> to shift the roles and dynamics in the family to a true co-leadership, co-parenting model.</b><br />
<br />
<div style="color: #990000;">
<b><span style="font-size: large;">Co-Leadership: Easier Said Than Done</span></b></div>
<br />
<b>It turned out that (duh!) re-balancing the leadership scale was not as easy as saying "ok, let's co-lead now!"</b><br />
<br />
Habits had been formed over many years together and were reinforced daily, hourly, by our kids and our own inability to move into a new way of being. Accusations and hurt feelings abounded.<br />
<br />
"If you would just give me some room!" he fumed, "instead of jumping in every time and taking charge!"<br />
<br />
"True leaders don't wait for someone to invite them!" I'd retort. "They listen and watch and then step in with a great idea - like '<i>hey guys, I've been thinking that maybe we can try...</i>' "<br />
<br />
Both sides admitted that the other had a point. <b>Both sides felt stuck and unable to shift the dynamics, despite "good intentions."</b><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><b style="color: #990000;">Shifting Leadership Dynamics: A Kooky Idea That Worked</b></span><br />
<br />
Then one Saturday morning, when I was feeling that I could barely get out of bed, never mind lead my family into the battle of daily-living, my husband announced in seeming-full-seriousness:<br />
<br />
<b>"I'm in Charge today. I'm gonna take care of everything. You don't have to do a thing. I'm gonna create a strong, cheerful container for all of us - you just relax and let me lead."</b><br />
<br />
In my state of exhaustion and utter gray-ness that morning, this kooky suggestion felt like a welcome relief. A whole day of not making a single darn decision seemed like a spa vacation for my tired self.<br />
<br />
It turned out that far beyond having a good day (which we did), like many of the great inventions of history, <b>we had accidentally discovered the formula that would shift us from CEO to Partners.</b><br />
<br />
<div style="color: #990000;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><b>The Secret: Taking Turns Being in Charge</b></span></div>
<br />
It turned out that the secret was <b>to switch leadership hats </b><b>for large chunks of time </b>- giving the reigns to the other person for a whole day or weekend. <br />
<br />
This allowed both of us to <b>immerse ourselves</b> in the new roles (which, of course, is the best way to learn a new skill or make a cultural shift) - and gave everyone a chance to experience the other person as a leader. <br />
<br />
<b>It didn't hurt that we had fun with it either:</b><br />
<br />
"Mom, can I have seconds of desert?"<br />
"Oh, I don't know, honey. Your dad is in charge today."<br />
<br />
"Mom, Rachel won't leave me alone and I wanna have some private time."<br />
"Mmmm. Not sure about that. Your dad is in charge today."<br />
<br />
<div style="color: #990000;">
<b><span style="font-size: large;">The Results: Amazing Grace</span></b></div>
<br />
Amazingly, we could feel the positive results after only a few days of Taking Turns.<br />
<br />
The old ruts were being eroded. New habits were being formed. Mattering (for him) and Freedom (for me) crackled in the air.<br />
<br />
Incredibly, after about a month and a half of playing around with this practice, our leadership scale feels more balanced than it has in 10 years of trying to co-parent together. <b>The Turn-Taking has now been infused into our relationship in a more natural way.</b><br />
<br />
<b>And we are having more fun parenting - and more ease and grace between us - than we've ever had before.</b><br />
<br />
<div style="color: #990000;">
<div style="font-family: inherit;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><b>The Next Frontier?</b></span><b> </b></div>
</div>
<div style="color: #990000;">
<br />
<span style="color: black;">After watching us play with this practice for many weeks, <b>our 9 yr old asked if he could have a day of being in charge too.</b></span></div>
<div style="color: #990000;">
<br />
<span style="color: black;">So, this Saturday, our family is being led by a gawky 4th grader in footsy pajamas who thinks "having gas in class" is the funniest thing on earth and "fairness" is being aloud to stay up as long as he wishes.</span><br />
<div style="font-family: inherit;">
<br /></div>
<div style="color: black; font-family: inherit;">
<b>But that sounds like a possible post for another day.</b></div>
</div>
<b>------</b><br />
Thinking of trying this experiment at home? I'd love to hear how it goes!<br />
<br />
Have a fun way that helps you co-lead and co-parent in your family? Please take a minute to share in the Comments below. We can all use the co-nspiration and co-support!Elaine Shpunginhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13563386804379263440noreply@blogger.com26tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7160706912275051164.post-65715747771749472782012-01-16T07:05:00.000-08:002012-02-26T08:15:35.767-08:00The Most Important 10 Minutes of Your Day?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/adactio/6742458237/">Photo by adactio on Flickr</a></td></tr>
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<br />
<b>What is the one thing you make sure you do every morning no matter what else?</b><br />
<br />
(well, besides using the john, I mean)<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<ul>
<li><i>Is it chugging down that cup of joe?</i></li>
<li><i>Strapping on your jogging shoes?</i></li>
<li><i>Checking email for any work-related fires that occurred in China while you slept?</i></li>
</ul>
</blockquote>
<b>If so, you may be missing the opportunity to include your highest priority of the day in your morning in a SYSTEMATIC, REGULAR way.</b><br />
<br />
<i>Warning: this one may seem deceptively simple and somewhat un-glamorous at first glance.</i><br />
<br />
The magic is in the <i>consistency and intention</i> with which you do it. <br />
<br />
<div style="color: #cc0000;">
<span style="color: #cc0000; font-size: large;"><b>MORNING MINUTES: </b></span><span style="font-size: large;"><b><span style="color: #cc0000;">THE MOST IMPORTANT TODO OF YOUR DAY</span></b></span></div>
<br />
<b style="color: #cc0000;">The practice is to spend 10 minutes of EVERY SINGLE morning in a connecting activity with your loved one</b> (whether you live together, are in a long-distance relationship, or a single parent whose loved one right now is your crabby 12-yr old).<br />
<br />
The benefit to this practice will accumulate over time, so I invite you
to consider the possibility of committing to it every day - and <b>making it a standing priority.</b><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #cc0000;">Now - those of you who are about to stop reading - and email this article to your mate with a hasty "</span><i style="color: #cc0000;">I told you sex in the morning was good for you</i><span style="color: #cc0000;">" - please hold your (wild) horses - and read on. </span><b></b><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><b>WHAT ARE THE BENEFITS?</b></span><br />
<br />
While passion plays an important role in your (romantic) relationship, spending 10 minutes of every morning in quiet connection will help you:<br />
<br />
a) <a href="http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/cupids-poisoned-arrow/200909/the-lazy-way-stay-in-love"><b>bond, neurochemically speaking</b></a> (see this great post by Marnia Robinson on the subject)<br />
b) <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j6m9WnNdpSw"><b>put the Big Things first</b></a> (making time for what matters most, first thing, every day) <br />
b) <a href="http://www.themedguru.com/node/44283"><b>set the tone for the day</b></a> (beginning with slowing down, connection, gratitude - rather than rushing, ruminating, reminders, etc.).<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><b>TIPS FOR MAKING IT A SUCCESS</b></span><br />
<br />
<b><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="color: #cc0000;">1. GET BUY-IN FROM YOUR LOVED ONE</span></span></b><br />
<br />
The first step is to get buy-in from your partner (or child, if that's your goal). This is not as difficult as it may sound, as most people have had the experience of doing this and reaping its benefits at some point (on vacation, weekends, or on random mornings). <br />
<br />
<b>Try to make it fun and invite the other to try if for a few days as a start.</b><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><b style="color: #cc0000;">2. COMMIT COMMIT COMMIT</b></span><b></b><br />
<br />
All of us have engaged in Morning Minutes occasionally - on a lazy weekend, holiday getaway, or on that random morning when it just happens.<br />
<br />
The trick here is to make a serious commitment.<br />
<br />
<b>Set the alarm 10 minutes early</b> (this has worked for us) <b>or shift other things in your morning to make the time</b> (making lunches or choosing outfits the night before? setting breakfast food on the table? use your creativity to make this work).<br />
<br />
Like with any other new practice, you want to try this out for 21 days (or so) before it becomes a habit - and an organic part of your life. <br />
<br />
<b><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="color: #cc0000;">3. FOCUS ON AFFECTION - NOT SEDUCTION</span></span></b><br />
<br />
As mentioned above under "<a href="http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/cupids-poisoned-arrow/200909/the-lazy-way-stay-in-love">bonding</a>", <b>the trick is to actually engage in affectionate, connecting time such as cuddling in bed</b> or <b>sharing a morning coffee - not in passionate play</b>.<br />
<br />
If passion is a part of your morning, too, great - just make sure to ALSO make time for cuddling, pillow talk (in bed or out) or 10 minutes of companionable silence (with a focus on each other).<br />
<br />
<i>Note: My personal experience has shown that this practice does not work nearly as well if you spend the 10 minutes
criticizing your mate's snoring, drooling, or blanket-stealing from the night before - but maybe that's just us.</i><br />
<br />
<div style="color: #cc0000;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><b>But What About Morning Alone Time?</b></span></div>
<br />
Much good stuff has been written on the benefits of beginning the day alone, in silence, <a href="http://zenhabits.net/simple-morning/">centering oneself</a>, meditating, appreciating, stretching, writing, <a href="http://alexisgrant.com/2012/01/16/whats-the-first-thing-you-do-each-morning/">being productive</a>, and/or setting intentions.<br />
<br />
As a believer and practitioner of <a href="http://juliacameronlive.com/basic-tools/morning-pages/">Morning Pages</a> (not just for boosting creativity but for keeping me sane), I agree - and have found you can have both.<br />
<br />
<b>We are talking about 10 minutes every morning - but not necessarily the first ten</b>. Yes - you can have your muffin and eat it too (with your mate or young one, after you walk the dog and do your yoga, for instance). <br />
<ul>
<li>One of my friends meets her honey for breakfast every morning on campus before her class. </li>
<li>Another exchanges daily sweet "textings" with her long-distance beaux as they both have their morning coffees (she on Central time, he on West coast).</li>
</ul>
Whatever you do, be creative and be committed to doing it every day.<br />
<br />
<i>The benefits will surprise you.</i><br />
<i>---------</i><br />
<i> </i><span style="font-size: large;"><b>What is your MOST IMPORTANT 10 min of the day?</b></span><br />
<br />
<b>Write in and share so we can learn from each other.</b><i><br /></i><br />
<br />Elaine Shpunginhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13563386804379263440noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7160706912275051164.post-37057133574137418292012-01-12T20:29:00.000-08:002012-01-15T08:47:52.468-08:00How to Go From Regret to Reconnection in 4 Simple Steps<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjopdIXnbmyKoTBajv6VvhyjfEcN2TLO9hJ4OVG_bENwIXG22XwHef8mu2ioxTpXZGt0-aYQCOq_PBZOybSasey0As-fu316n0BlcHI_91XnJpDJR6ToBBPwZEnx7AuIzaoEU7pjAdna3k/s1600/clocks_alancleaver_2000.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="267" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjopdIXnbmyKoTBajv6VvhyjfEcN2TLO9hJ4OVG_bENwIXG22XwHef8mu2ioxTpXZGt0-aYQCOq_PBZOybSasey0As-fu316n0BlcHI_91XnJpDJR6ToBBPwZEnx7AuIzaoEU7pjAdna3k/s400/clocks_alancleaver_2000.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/alancleaver/2661425133/in/photostream/#/">Photo by alancleaver_2000 on Flickr</a></td></tr>
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<br />
Have you ever wished you could 'un-say' something the minute it comes out of your mouth? <br />
<br />
Or wished you could rewind an argument to that crucial moment - and respond differently this time?<br />
<br />
With this simple technique you can can virtually turn back the clock - while simultaneously teaching your mind to do it differently in the future.<br />
<br />
The technique is known by some as "post-hearsal" - and in our family, as a "Do-Over".<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><b><span style="color: #cc0000;">THE 4 STEPS OF A DO-OVER</span></b></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><b><span style="color: #cc0000;">1. Notice the Regret (compassionately)</span></b></span><br />
<br />
As Kathryn Shulz says in her <a href="http://www.ted.com/talks/kathryn_schulz_don_t_regret_regret.html">TED talk</a>, regret has an important message for us (I won't give it away if you have not heard the talk). The point is to stop and feel the regret with self-compassion - like you would for a friend who temporarily messed up. <br />
<br />
Then, take a breath and remind yourself that trust and connection are not built through "getting it right the first time" but through our willingness to keep trying.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><b><span style="color: #cc0000;">2. Imagine What You'd Say Differently</span></b></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: black;">In your mind, go back to the words (or actions) that you regret and make a guess about what would work better. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: black;">Now say the new words silently (or imagine the action) in your mind.</span><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: black;"><i>Example: Recently, my partner and I got into an argument after I said, gruffly, that I did not want to go to the gym with him (period). When </i><i>Imagining What I'd Say Differently, I wondered if he might have been responding to my complaints about not getting enough exercise lately. So, I guessed that it would've worked better for me to: (a) express appreciation for the offer and (b) say kindly that I was going to pass on it because I did not feel comfortable in that new gym.</i></span></blockquote>
<span style="font-size: large;"><b><span style="color: #cc0000;">3. Request a Do-Over</span></b></span><br />
<br />
Now, ask for a Do-Over, realizing it is an expression of both humility (<i>i'm human and messed up</i>) and care <i>(i want to put the effort into doing it better</i>). Since the Do-Over requires participation from the other, a request will probably work better than a demand.<br />
<br />
Something like "Yikes. That did not go the way I wanted it to. Can I have a Do-Over please?"<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><b><span style="color: #cc0000;">4. Turn Back the Clock!</span></b></span><br />
<br />
This is the fun part. Ask the other person to say the line (or do the action) to which you wish you responded differently. Then, PAUSE, BREATHE and DO IT (respond differently based on the guess you came up with earlier). <br />
<br />
The other person then needs to give a real-time response to your new line (or action), as though it is happening from scratch, to which you respond live, and so on until you come to a natural stopping point.<b> </b><br />
<br />
<div style="color: black;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><b>RESULTS</b></span></div>
<br />
In our experience, the Do-Overs produce two fairly consistent results.<br />
<br />
<b>1. Increased Connection</b><br />
<br />
The new interaction <b>builds ON TOP of the old one</b>, creating a (surprisingly) greater sense of harmony and connection, even after painful arguments.<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<i>In the case of the gym argument, during the Do-Over, my partner (who had his own regrets about his short fuse) was relieved to hear why I did not want to go to the gym and offered to lift some weights in the basement instead. </i></blockquote>
<b>2. Improved Skills</b><br />
<br />
Just as importantly, with repeated use, the technique seems to be <b>increasing our capacity to respond differently to each other in specific situations</b>. <br />
<br />
I believe this is because it<b> combines the powerful effects of strategies such as <i>role-playing, mental rehearsal, and simulation</i></b>, which have been shown to improve skills and performance in athletes, airline pilots, business managers, parents of kids with disabilities, counselors, midwives, nurses and medical students.<i> </i><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<i>Note: While we mostly use Do-Overs as a couple, the technique sometimes works well with our kids, who tend to make it playful by exaggerating the Do-Over (e.g., after pushing each other to get to the stairs first, their Do-Over was "After YOU madam." "No, no, after YOU, sir" - followed by a fit of giggles).</i></blockquote>
<b>Hope you enjoyed this approach to turning back the clock. </b><br />
<br />
<b>Questions? Comments? Tips to share about how you go from Regret to Reconnection?</b><br />
<b>I'd love to hear from you. </b> <br />
<br />
---------------- <br />
<br />
<div style="font-family: inherit;">
<span style="font-size: small;">Source: While used widely around the world, I personally learned this technique from Kit Miller, director of the <a href="http://gandhiinstitute.org/">M.K. Gandhi Institute for NonViolence</a></span><span style="font-size: small;"> and guest instructor for <a href="http://lp.learnnvc.com/">BayNVC's Leadership Program</a>.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"></span></div>Elaine Shpunginhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13563386804379263440noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7160706912275051164.post-57068286493109509582012-01-07T15:22:00.000-08:002012-02-26T08:14:59.201-08:00Get More of What You Want - In Bed and Out<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-Op6kJHuAyKufC9LSx-_4alnUfbVTly86iJ-6Shhaa_ectxZfzHPoOPl-zB55au_DS8EE2Y8MdaApyIDhQHIWjq6iw5Ue5XUi8NXdDdLeGYR-4-5Mze281Y4ctLI3XU9H8ncEjTcK6fA/s1600/80023028_9202c3d6cf.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-Op6kJHuAyKufC9LSx-_4alnUfbVTly86iJ-6Shhaa_ectxZfzHPoOPl-zB55au_DS8EE2Y8MdaApyIDhQHIWjq6iw5Ue5XUi8NXdDdLeGYR-4-5Mze281Y4ctLI3XU9H8ncEjTcK6fA/s320/80023028_9202c3d6cf.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/jurvetson/">Photo by Jurvetson on Flickr</a></td></tr>
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Lately, my partner (of 15 yrs) and I have been doing some serious (couples) soul-searching, looking deeply into what we want in a relationship and how we can get there.<br />
<br />
One of the blocks we've stumbled upon in this process is asking for what we want. You know, making a clear, precise request for the other person to do something differently - without sounding critical or choking up because it's too darn embarrassing. <br />
<br />
<b>Then, quite by accident, we stumbled upon this little strategy - a bit of gentle, playful, coaching that really seems to work!</b><br />
<br />
It happened after one of those disappointing evenings where the romance, instead of taking off as we had hoped, seemed to fizzle (not that any of you have ever had one, but we 'occasionally' do).<br />
<br />
The next day, my partner had the temerity to ask about it, to wonder what had been going on for me. Such nerve! Such audacity! Breaking the cardinal rule of letting sleeping dogs lie (even if the sleeping part did not work out so well...). As usual, I felt embarrassed and unwilling to share.<br />
<br />
"Ummm... Do we really have to talk about it?" I said, "I mean, like you said, these things sometimes don't go as planned, right? How about we just forget about it and move on?"<br />
<br />
But my partner was on a mission. We had agreed, recently, to work on various aspects of our relationship, including communication, and he wasn't going to give up as easily as usual. So, he persisted, and I resisted - until I finally thought "What the heck. I'll share."<br />
<br />
So I did, telling him what the action was that triggered me - and the "story" I told myself about it (that he didn't really care about my feelings or needs in that moment).<br />
<br />
And lo and behold, he seemed hurt and defensive.<br />
<br />
"I can't believe you'd actually think that about me - after all these years..." he began. <br />
<br />
<i>Oh brother</i>, I thought. <i>This is exactly why I wasn't gonna share in the first place. I wish he was the kind of person who'd express appreciation, instead, telling me he was grateful for my honesty or something like that.</i><br />
<br />
And then, without realizing I was doing it (maybe I was calling upon my experience of "coaching" workshop participants during role-plays?) I said, gently and without criticism or ire:<br />
<br />
"So - this is the part where you thank me for being honest and vulnerable with you."<br />
<br />
This had the immediate effect of stopping him in his tracks. Inside the slow, ticking pause that ensued, I could almost hear the gears turning. And then, just like that, he shifted.<br />
<br />
"Well," he said, "I actually do appreciate you sharing and being vulnerable. I know you didn't wanna to talk about it. And I'm really glad you did, so I could know what happened and how to do it differently next time. I don't ever wanna do anything that makes you feel I don't care about your needs or feelings."<br />
<br />
And then, we both smiled, because we realized what had just happened.<br />
<br />
Then, excitedly, we began to talk about our discovery.<br />
<br />
"That really worked for me!" he said. "And I'd be open to that kind of gentle coaching in other areas. How about you?"<br />
<br />
"Yes, I would," I realized.<br />
<br />
Since then, this little trick has worked quite well when a "wish" bubbles up in either of us. <br />
<br />
<i> Bonus: it's been working with the kids too (they even tend to do whatever it is with a smile).</i><br />
<br />
<b>So, to review, the strategy is to say: "THIS IS THE PART WHERE YOU..."</b><br />
<br />
as in "This is the part where you grab me and take me to bed!"<br />
or "This is the part where you close the laptop and come dance with me in the living room."<br />
or "This is the part where you say 'Mommy - thank you for putting it away for me.' "<br />
<br />
If you decide to use this little trick, <b>I hope you have some fun with it </b>- in bed and out.<br />
<br />
And do write in and share how it went!Elaine Shpunginhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13563386804379263440noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7160706912275051164.post-67393579997097442792012-01-04T17:36:00.000-08:002012-01-06T10:24:27.050-08:00Out With the Old, Out With the New: One Child's Experience with Voluntary Simplicity<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-oP3iCblFJJE/TwT-RpYa03I/AAAAAAAAAlc/g5WyOKV6LXA/s1600/101163857_d71f020fec.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-oP3iCblFJJE/TwT-RpYa03I/AAAAAAAAAlc/g5WyOKV6LXA/s1600/101163857_d71f020fec.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/clearlyambiguous/101163857/lightbox/">Photo by Clearly Ambiguous on Flickr</a></td></tr>
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Yesterday, I overheard our 9 yr old, Aaron, talking to his friend, Zach, who was visiting for the first time since December break.<br />
<br />
"What the heck!!" Zach began, peering in Aaron's closet. "Where are all your toys?"<br />
<br />
"Oh, we are doing something called Voluntary Simplicity, so I basically got rid of 80% of my stuff."<br />
<br />
"What?!! Did your mom and dad MAKE you do this?"<br />
<br />
"No. Voluntary Simplicity is - voluntary. That means you decide to do it because you want to."<br />
<br />
"But why would you wanna give away most of your Playmobil and matchboxes? I mean you had more than me! Besides, I thought you were supposed to GET toys for Hanukah, not give them away!"<br />
<br />
"Yeah, I know. Voluntary Simplicity is when you <i>choose to give away a lot of your things to make room for family activities.</i> I did it because I wanted to live differently and have less stuff in my life."<br />
<br />
"But - still - why would you CHOOSE to get rid of most of your toys?"<br />
<br />
"Part of the reason is 'cause my parents were doing it with their stuff. And my mom talked to me about it and explained. She told me about other people who did it and how they felt happier afterwards. And I thought maybe I DO spend a lot of my time in my room playing with toys instead of spending time with my parents and sister."<br />
<br />
"So, how do you know what to keep?"<br />
<br />
"Well, it took many tries to get as far as I did. First I picked things I <b>didn't need as much for my games</b> and put them in a box in the basement, just in case it did not work out. My room kept feeling better and my games got more interesting and creative. And it was much easier to clean up! Then, I started asking myself a different question. I started asking <b>what do I really love and need that makes me happy?</b> That helped me get rid of a bunch more! And I do feel happier now."<br />
<br />
"Seriously?"<br />
<br />
"Well, I feel more peaceful and connected with my family. I feel proud because I am a person who has <i>just what I need</i> and not more. And I'm starting new activities like writing how I feel in a private notebook, reading more, spending more time doing stuff around the house - like loading the dishwasher and vacuuming."<br />
<br />
"OK, let me get this straight. You have less toys, more chores, and you feel happier?"<br />
<br />
"Well, it's not like the chores are fun. But I do them with my parents. We talk and connect while we're doing them. So that is part of the fun. And they are happier and more appreciative. And we've been doing more activities together, like reading out loud at night. And on the weekends, we have conversations or go out together, instead of my dad being on his computer, mom cleaning, and Rachel and me playing with our toys."<br />
<br />
"OK, but it doesn't look like you have enough toys for us to play with together."<br />
<br />
"Yeah, that's true. That's the not so good part. Not having enough to share with friends when they come over. But we can do other activities, like board games, chess, foozball. Or go outside when its not too cold."<br />
<br />
"So you're ok with not getting a bunch of presents for the holidays?"<br />
<br />
"Yes and no. I did feel left out at times, but at the end, <b>I've been enjoying the Voluntary Simplicity enough to count it as a huge Hanukah present."</b><br />
<b><br />
</b><br />
<b>------------</b><br />
<br />
To read more about the philosophy behind voluntary simplicity, check out the classic book "<a href="http://www.amazon.com/Voluntary-Simplicity-Toward-Outwardly-Inwardly/dp/0061779261/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1325725563&sr=8-2">Voluntary Simplicity</a>" from your local library or bookstore. For tips on simplifying your home and life, take a look Leo Babauta's blog <a href="http://zenhabits.net/">zenhabits.net</a>.<br />
<br />
------------<br />
<br />
<i>January 5 update</i>: This post was chosen as an "Essential Read" by <a href="http://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/ethics-and-morality">Psychology Today's Ethics and Morality</a> Blog.Elaine Shpunginhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13563386804379263440noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7160706912275051164.post-62953339188604280742011-12-14T19:35:00.000-08:002012-01-17T08:58:20.043-08:00How to Survive and Thrive When Times are Tough<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhLoiqfxBKu_szToyiGnYogPythH2DHSDvU2QhwFYQrMmg39ChqYafXIjFAOHDMEHbczi0MWrdoMCsn4qVSfXi2QBg_DPP0FQyD3wcYulfAlQa8IZtUMF3AuVagNWBTA7HePZ7ew8QFO_A/s1600/lighthouse_Umberto_Fistarol.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhLoiqfxBKu_szToyiGnYogPythH2DHSDvU2QhwFYQrMmg39ChqYafXIjFAOHDMEHbczi0MWrdoMCsn4qVSfXi2QBg_DPP0FQyD3wcYulfAlQa8IZtUMF3AuVagNWBTA7HePZ7ew8QFO_A/s1600/lighthouse_Umberto_Fistarol.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/16581899@N07/3326133377/">Photo by Umberto Fistarol on Flickr</a></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<br />
<br />
We've all had those rough spells in our family (and romantic life) where things seem <b>stressful, chaotic and a little out of control. </b><br />
<br />
Sometimes these "moments" are caused by <b>challenging events</b> in our lives, like serious illness of a loved one, job loss, or a car accident. <br />
<br />
Other times, a rough spell can be precipitated by <b>relationship struggles</b> (lots of conflict and arguing between family members) or <b>worries about work, money, or kids</b> (in school and out).<br />
<br />
In my time as parent, partner, and director of a Psychology Training Center, I have had numerous personal and professional experiences with families going through these rough spells and would like to share <b style="color: #cc0000;">4 Tips that I have found helpful in surviving and thriving during those times</b><span style="color: #cc0000;">.</span><br />
<br />
<div>
</div>
<div style="color: #cc0000;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">THE STRONGER THE STORM, THE STRONGER THE CONTAINER</span> </b></span></div>
<br />
<b> I use the sentence above to remind
myself to TIGHTEN UP OUR CONTAINER</b> when I sense things slipping out of
control or our family starting to struggle.<br />
<br />
This is because - during those rough times - family members are looking for a greater sense of <b>predictability, safety, hope, connection and trust.</b><b><br /></b><br />
<br />
<b>These can be greatly increased by batting down the hatches and strengthening that container - even if only until the storm passes.</b><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<i>Note</i>: <b>I will use the word "crisis" as a shorthand for "those rough times"</b> - based on the definition of crisis as <b>"</b><span style="font-family: inherit;">a potentially unstable or dangerous situation</span>, and/or emotionally stressful event, and/or traumatic change in a person’s life<i> in which risk to life or property is</i><span style="font-family: inherit;"> not serious, </span><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;"></span></span><span style="font-family: inherit;">not imminent</span> and <span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;"></span></span><span style="font-family: inherit;">not likely"</span></blockquote>
<b> </b><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><b>4 Tips for Building a Stronger Container</b></span><br />
<br />
<div style="color: #cc0000; font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><b>1. ADD FAMILY AND COUPLE RITUALS</b></span></div>
<br />
Though you may feel down and tired during crisis times, it is MORE important than ever to <b>build in daily and weekly family rituals</b> (as well as continue to follow annual rituals to celebrate holidays, birthdays, etc.). <b>When family members and romantic partners know that this (connecting) thing happens the same way every day no matter what, their sense of predictability, safety, and trust is increased.</b> Think of it as a safe spot within the maelstrom.<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<b>RESEARCH SAYS</b>: Rituals (<i>purposeful</i>, <i>planned</i> family activities that <i>happen regularly</i> and follow a <i>pattern</i>) have been shown to be significantly related to resiliency, well-being, health, and prevention of psychological difficulties in families (see <a href="http://www.springerlink.com/content/k8576402k227hv76/">Rituals and Resiliency</a>).</blockquote>
<b><span style="color: #cc0000;">Examples of Rituals</span> </b>that have worked for our family during crisis times (and in between):<b><br />
</b><br />
<ul>
<li><b>Reading aloud together every night</b> for 15-20 minutes from a "chapter book"<b> </b>(yes, the 9 yr old loves it too)</li>
<li><b>Eating dinner together</b> as many nights a week as possible</li>
<li><b>Expressing Appreciations</b> for each other at dinner in a ritualistic way (see <a href="http://www.improvecommunication.net/2011/01/how-to-say-thank-you-without-notes.html">my blog post on this</a> for more detail)</li>
<li>Getting up 15 minutes before the kids and <b>having a quiet coffee together</b></li>
<li><b>Lighting candles and watching the Peter, Paul and Mary video</b> "<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3yZ1zxtbOJE&feature=g-all-esi&context=G2189a32FAAAAAAAAAAA">Light One Candle</a>" on every night of Hanukah<b> </b></li>
</ul>
<div style="color: #cc0000; font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><b>2. INCREASE SIGNS OF AFFECTION</b></span></div>
<br />
<b>During times of crisis, family members are particularly vulnerable and worried about how much they matter, are accepted, loved and cared for.</b> Increasing physical touch, gratitude, and small signs of kindness will help to contribute to everyone's sense of safety, connection, mattering and trust.<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<b>RESEARCH SAYS</b>: Small daily signs of physical affection and care have been shown to significantly strengthen relationships, increase connection and create resiliency (see <a href="http://bit.ly/marriagesecret">Marriage Secret</a>, for instance).<a href="http://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0301051104001632"> Hugs between partners</a> increase oxytocin (the "love" hormone) - and I know they do wonders for our "cool" 9 yr old! Finally, an orientation towards gratitude has been shown to have positive emotional and interpersonal benefits for individuals and families (<a href="http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/12585811">see Counting Blessings</a>, for instance). </blockquote>
<div>
<b><span style="color: #cc0000;">Examples of Increased Signs of Affection</span> </b>that have worked for our family during crisis times (and in between):</div>
<ul>
<li>Offering the kids a <b>big bear hug</b> instead of a stern criticism when they seem whiny or upset (<i>hey you, come over here and give me a big hug</i>)</li>
<li><b>Writing notes of appreciation</b> to friends and family members on real paper one evening a week (with the kids adding words and pictures) <b>(</b><a href="http://www.esquire.com/features/influence/ESQ0407-APR_INFLUENCE">Read here about one man's experiment with thank-you-notes)</a></li>
<li><b>Playing "spot that kindness"</b> some weekend afternoons (a variation on random acts of kindness where we do little nice things for each other with the recipients trying to notice as many as possible) - very voluntary and no pressure!</li>
<li> <b>Sneaking silly love notes</b> into the kids lunchboxes or partner's briefcase</li>
</ul>
<div style="color: #cc0000; font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><b>3. SEEK AND ACCEPT SUPPORT</b></span></div>
<br />
While we may realize, on some level, that seeking (and accepting) support during times of crisis makes sense, we often do just the opposite, because of our beliefs about being "strong", "independent" and "private" about our troubles. Yet, for kids (and partners) it may be very important to see that they are not the only ones feeling worried, scared, guilty, or numb inside. <b>Expressing your true feelings and reaching out for support both SHOWS and MODELS self-mattering.</b><br />
<blockquote>
<b>RESEARCH SAYS</b>: Social support, and "emotional support" in particular, has been strongly linked to <a class="ext" href="http://psycnet.apa.org/?&fa=main.doiLanding&doi=10.1037/0033-2909.119.3.488" target="_blank">better health, immune functioning</a>, and <a class="ext" href="http://takingcharge.csh.umn.edu/explore-healing-practices/social-support" target="_blank">psychological well being</a>. <a class="ext" href="http://jco.ascopubs.org/content/24/7/1105.full" target="_blank">Instrumental support</a> (with tasks and care) can also have significant effects on our well being. Talking and writing about negative feelings <a class="ext" href="http://www.eurekalert.org/pub_releases/2007-06/uoc--pfi062107.php" target="_blank">helps decrease their negative effects</a> - as long as you stay away from people who <a class="ext" href="http://www.apa.org/topics/depress/support.aspx" target="_blank">co-ruminate</a> with you (focus on problem), choosing, instead, to talk to people who listen empathically. In addition, <a class="ext" href="http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html" target="_blank">being vulnerable</a> can increase the support and understanding you get from others, as well as increase positive feelings in your life.</blockquote>
Given how important it is, I invite you to stretch just a bit by softening your "armor" and letting others hold your troubles with you.<br />
<br />
<b><span style="color: #cc0000;">Examples of Seeking and Accepting Support </span></b>that have worked for our family during crisis times: <br />
<ul>
<li> <b>Saying "yes" to every offer of support</b>, graciously (including letting out of town friends clean our kitchen)</li>
<li><b>Hiring a "chef"</b> to cook a week's worth of meals on Sundays (for freezing)</li>
<li><b>Emailing regular updates</b> to a trusted list of friends and family (and receiving loads of support in return)</li>
<li><b>Reaching out to friends</b> who tend to see the beauty in us (including out-of-touch friends)</li>
<li><b>Admitting to people</b> that we are "having a tough time" or "things are hard right now"</li>
<li><b>Showing our kids and each other a range of emotions</b> and explaining with words that we feel "sad" or "worried" and why</li>
<li>Supporting each other with <b>exercising more, eating better, and going to sleep earlier</b></li>
<li><b>Taking time out to grieve and mourn</b> - and letting each other know that we're doing it </li>
<li><b>Seeking professional support when needed</b> (including counseling, house cleaning services, and communication coaching)</li>
</ul>
<div style="color: #cc0000; font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><b>4. CREATE SOMETHING TOGETHER</b></span></div>
<br />
Finally, it can be helpful during a crisis (and certainly after it passes), to work <i>towards creating something together </i>that is not related to survival. This can create a sense of harmony, peace, togetherness, and non-urgency that is important in the midst of crisis.<br />
<br />
<b><span style="color: #cc0000;">Examples of Co-Creating Together </span></b>that have worked for our family during crisis times:<br />
<ul>
<li><b>Writing</b> something together! (I worked on <a href="http://www.improvecommunication.net/2012/01/out-with-old-out-with-new-one-childs.html">this blog post</a> with my 9 yr old son)</li>
<li>Creating <b>thank-you notes</b> together (each teacher got one as a holiday card)</li>
<li><b>Preparing meals</b> together (pancakes or sushi work well)</li>
<li>Creating new <b>organizational systems</b> together (for toys or art supplies)</li>
<li><b>Coloring together</b> (picking crazy colors to make it more fun)</li>
<li><b>Carving pumpkins</b> together</li>
<li>Learning and doing <b><a href="http://www.improvecommunication.net/2010/10/3-steps-that-transform-sibling-conflict.html">restorative practices</a></b> together when conflicts get tough</li>
</ul>
------------------ <br />
<br />
After a crisis has passed, family members (together and separately) will need time to grieve, heal, and address conflict restoratively. <br />
<br />
And of course, count their blessings.<br />
<br />
-------------------<b> </b><br />
<b>WHAT ARE YOUR TIPS FOR GETTING THROUGH THE TOUGH TIMES?</b><br />
<br />
Please share in the comments below so we can learn from each other.<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<i>Note</i>: This article was originally published as a <b>Crisis Survival Guide for Families and Couples</b>.
I updated the Title and Intro after getting feedback from readers that
the article was helpful - but the word "crisis" did not resonate for them
when thinking about their "rough times."</blockquote>Elaine Shpunginhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13563386804379263440noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7160706912275051164.post-43820160558303589982011-11-03T09:34:00.000-07:002012-01-06T05:30:12.416-08:00Go with the Flow: Follow a Forgotten Path to Your Inner Resources<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhDMrkWmY08sk_xpOUREGqjNA0KGm5xDu8zw19mOslKATukfDgy2-KM_qcffLrMlnbhWnYg_tdgBj5CZARHJk_KBnjtbk9E8oPZqfoX4BWwrdpA89znGDcphTlELvF_vX2DCUaQ76SiQtM/s1600/cans_jaimekop.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhDMrkWmY08sk_xpOUREGqjNA0KGm5xDu8zw19mOslKATukfDgy2-KM_qcffLrMlnbhWnYg_tdgBj5CZARHJk_KBnjtbk9E8oPZqfoX4BWwrdpA89znGDcphTlELvF_vX2DCUaQ76SiQtM/s320/cans_jaimekop.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Photo by <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/jaimekop/6066630529/">jaimekop</a> on Flickr</td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
Recently, a colleague of mine who was excited about a new project, remarked, as a side note, that she wanted to temper her desire to jump right in - with her awareness that winter is coming - <i>because winter is a time for slowing, not growing.</i><br />
<br />
As she said this, I could feel it's truth resonating within me, like a half-forgotten but familiar knowing.<br />
<br />
The knowing was that, whether I am aware of it or not, <b>I continue to be connected to the rhythms of the Earth and the cycle of the seasons as they pass through me - and that I am better served when I go with this flow rather than against it.</b><br />
<br />
Looking back at the last few months through this lens, I realized that I experienced a summer of tremendous creativity and movement, of stretching myself into new ways of being in the world and in my relationships. I also noted that, although I had been part of a challenging year-long Leadership Program since last January, the first buds of inner growth seemed to appear in the spring - and that my organism really revved into action in June. <br />
<br />
Now, after a summer of expansive action and growth, I find myself in a place of cross-roads and questions, of uncertainty about my future and my heart. For me, this place of not-quite-knowing is scary; the antidote seems clear - pick a project, any project, and move into it with gusto. Lose myself in the creation of something new to keep the fear at bay.<br />
<br />
Instead, hearing my colleague's voice, I invite myself to notice - really notice - the view outside my window, where leaves of maroon, vermilion and ochre droop with the weight of a chill gray rain. <br />
I invite myself to slow down and feel the rhythms already inside me, to feel the natural cycle happening all around me. What would I be doing right now if I went with - instead of against - that rhythm - if I allowed myself to flow with what is, rather than using my thoughts and actions to over-ride it?<br />
<br />
What comes up when I ask this is not growth and expansion but harvesting and fortifying.<br />
<br />
What comes up is a vision of squirrels collecting nuts and chipmunks lining their burrows. What comes up is a memory of my grandmother picking, blanching and canning, of glass jars appearing in neat rows on the kitchen shelves every evening. What comes up is the site of my grandfather chopping wood behind the shed, or walking slowly around the perimeter of the house with an old metal tool box: sealing, tightening, smoothing, caulking, insulating, readying. Or my mother, going through last season's clothes and dog-eared magazines, clearing the house up of things we do not need, and giving away that which others can use.<br />
<br />
<b>What comes up is the realization that this vision, far from being some old fashioned homesteading fancy, is a road-map to accessing more of my inner resources, to living in closer alignment with what already is.</b><br />
<b><br />
</b><br />
What this road-map tells me is that, where I am right now, it is Autumn, a time to:<b><br />
</b><br />
<br />
<ul><li>harvest all that I have been learning and experiencing, at such high velocity, this summer;</li>
<li>sort, clarify, and store up my new-found knowledge and skills for use in the long winter months ahead;</li>
<li>prepare my inner home for the eventuality of cold rain, rough winds, winter storms: batten my inner hatches, insulate my walls, collect enough fuel to last into the spring;</li>
<li>clear out, with love, what I do not need, and give away what may be useful to others;</li>
<li>ready myself, emotionally, for a time of contemplation, reflection, rest and rejuvenation in the winter months ahead.</li>
</ul><br />
If there is a part of you that resonates with this vision, that feels some relief at the possibility of surrendering to what is, I invite you to take a look - a real look - outside your window, to consider what season is upon you in whatever part of the world you are in.<br />
<br />
Is it a time for:<br />
<ul><li>birthing/ hatching / flowering; </li>
<li>expansion/ exploration/ stretching; </li>
<li>harvesting/ preparing/ fortifying; or </li>
<li>resting/ reflecting/ rejuvinating?<b> </b></li>
</ul><br />
<b>And what would it be like to follow the call of these rhythms, to go with them rather than against them, to ride them rather than over-ride them, to go with the power of the flow within you?</b>Elaine Shpunginhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13563386804379263440noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7160706912275051164.post-42982195919906584782011-11-02T17:11:00.000-07:002012-03-06T08:12:21.793-08:00Redwoods Prayer<i>Recently, I spent some time among the California Redwoods at a beautiful Quaker Retreat Center. I came to the forest to meditate on "how I can increase my capacity". I listened to the trees. This prayer-poem, which came through me (not from me), was their surprising (to me) answer.</i><br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEifRC6D6dB_bIfrhqbnTAjK1-eF39dch_71txxF12l8K6gg2IpljSP1cW82_tHImHOOTr1meLWwUhTtZzJK4hDZ8A1buBkEyubwOjsNOpKPaFIWNqvr6vEPQ8_HMS6hrQf-xKCV2aEybzU/s1600/redwoods_coralmoore.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEifRC6D6dB_bIfrhqbnTAjK1-eF39dch_71txxF12l8K6gg2IpljSP1cW82_tHImHOOTr1meLWwUhTtZzJK4hDZ8A1buBkEyubwOjsNOpKPaFIWNqvr6vEPQ8_HMS6hrQf-xKCV2aEybzU/s320/redwoods_coralmoore.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Photo by <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/coralmoore/3524493674/">coralmoore</a> on Flickr</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<b>Redwoods Prayer</b><br />
<br />
Oh Mother Earth<br />
With your Fullness <i>you</i> bless<br />
Let <i>me</i> be empty.<br />
Let <i>me</i> be less.<br />
<br />
Show me a glimpse,<br />
but not the whole view.<br />
Show me the edge<br />
of living anew.<br />
<br />
Show me a glimpse,<br />
then leave me to brood.<br />
Give me enough<br />
not to feel understood.<br />
<br />
Show me the fire<br />
that burns far away;<br />
let me carry my spark,<br />
let me wander all day.<br />
<br />
Show me the way,<br />
but don't follow me there.<br />
Show me your arms,<br />
but don't show me your care.<br />
<br />
Show me the way,<br />
but don't teach me the word.<br />
Show me <i>my</i> way<br />
so I won't be deterred.<br />
<br />
Show me <i>my</i> truth,<br />
which is already there.<br />
Strip me of wants,<br />
let me come to you bare.<br />
<br />
Show me my core,<br />
and the courage to shed<br />
all the skin that's around it,<br />
all the cells that are dead.<br />
<br />
Oh Mother Earth<br />
with your Fullness <i>you</i> bless.<br />
Let <i>me</i> be empty.<br />
Let <i>me</i> be less.Elaine Shpunginhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13563386804379263440noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7160706912275051164.post-55687081014607474252011-09-28T22:46:00.000-07:002011-09-28T07:54:12.272-07:00The Restorative Revolution<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh8-_easqkqknvFaRVqmaBa3WniWCGooaYK-6ypP6d0uXqsusj-kGtd0oaSfk-ySjjdngA18brRtJEaff2cAHUMDFxsyvudgIxHgD__JtKCOAFPVpxh1lOuOtxRix0pNWvvrHWDpD66VWE/s1600/tracks_foxrosser.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh8-_easqkqknvFaRVqmaBa3WniWCGooaYK-6ypP6d0uXqsusj-kGtd0oaSfk-ySjjdngA18brRtJEaff2cAHUMDFxsyvudgIxHgD__JtKCOAFPVpxh1lOuOtxRix0pNWvvrHWDpD66VWE/s320/tracks_foxrosser.jpg" width="213" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Photo by <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/foxrosser/">foxrosser</a> on Flickr</td></tr>
</tbody></table><div style="color: #990000;"><br />
</div><div style="color: #990000;"><br />
</div><div style="color: #990000;"><b>Call me crazy - but I think we are ready for a Revolution. </b></div><br />
I'm talking about a revolution in the way we approach justice, transgression, punishment, crime, and <a href="http://www.improvecommunication.net/2010/09/most-important-thing-to-know-about.html">every day conflict</a> among ordinary people. I am talking about the way we treat each other after we hurt each other - even in very deep ways - and the way we treat those who are less powerful than us when "justice" is placed in our hands.<br />
<b><br />
</b><br />
<div style="color: #990000;"><span style="color: black;"><b>I am talking a transformational, society-wide, lens-shifting, all-affecting revolution the scale of the 1960's civil rights and women's rights movements, a revolution in how we think about who we are and how we live, work, and love together.</b></span><br />
<div style="color: #990000;"><br />
<div style="color: black;"><b>Not a solution to everything. Not panacea, utopia, peace and love for all. But a fundamental shift in the collective understanding of what might be possible. </b></div></div></div><br />
I feel it in my bones, like the rumble of a train coming down the tracks way before you see its lights appear from behind the bend. <br />
<br />
People are sensing the heavy creaking of the <a href="http://bit.ly/9mkK4s">current justice system</a>, the way it is over-burdened and under-humane, the way it takes our sons and daughters and nieces and nephews and puts them back into our communities more hardened and less integrated than they were before, the way it creates rifts among us, decreasing rather than increasing the sense of safety for which we all long.<br />
<br />
And people are becoming dissatisfied with the way we inadvertently replicate that same model in our homes, with people most precious to us, and in our communities, the places where we spend our waking hours.<br />
<br />
I work with a lot of communication modalities and I have been talking to people about empathy and healing and dialogue for a long time.<br />
<br />
<b>But when I mention the restorative practices work in which I am involved, people respond with the kind of excitement, the kind of energy I have not seen before. </b><b style="color: black;">Their eyes light up. They smile. They want to learn more. They want to get involved.</b><b></b><br />
<br />
I am talking about people across all economic, class, age, and race differences: administrators working in the formal justice system and grandmothers of boys in the local jail, academics and activists, rabbis and conservative ministers, teachers and parents, college students and poets.<b style="color: black;"> When I share what might be possible, </b><b style="color: black;">there is a spark, an</b><b style="color: black;"> electrical surge of hope.</b><b><br />
</b><br />
<b> </b><br />
<b>And what is possible is a way of doing conflict and justice in which <i>each voice and each side gets heard</i>, in which people who have been hurt <i>get to ask their toughest questions</i> and those who have caused pain <i>get to experience the impact of what they have done and come out feeling more human, not less</i>. What is possible are solutions to conflicts that are not believable until you hear them, that stem from human creativity that is untapped by the current way we do things, and are </b><i><b>agreed upon by everyone who is impacted by the conflict.</b></i><br />
<br />
Restorative practices, as ancient as human society, have been making their way back into our collective knowledge. Some of them, like the <a href="http://www.restorativecircles.org/">Restorative Circles</a> practice which I have been learning, are laced with a modern edge, an edge forged in the fires of inner-city Brazilian favelas where drugs, gun violence, racialized tensions and numbing poverty overlay the struggle for daily survival.<br />
<br />
<b>And that is what makes the possibility so palpable. </b><b>There is <i>another way</i> and it works.</b> It works to re-humanize people to each other in the most trying of circumstances across deeply etched lines. In a place where unbelievable beauty and unbelievable disparity go hand in hand, restorative practices are growing and being embraced by school districts, youth courts, youth prisons, neighborhoods and homes, presidential candidates and major news networks. Restorative Circles are winning awards and changing circumstances, changing lives, changing how people think about and live with conflict.<br />
<br />
<div style="color: black;"><b>Not a solution to everything. Not panacea, utopia, peace and love for all. But a fundamental shift in the collective understanding of what might be possible. </b></div><br />
A Restorative Revolution. It's coming.<br />
<br />
<b>Wanna get on board? </b><br />
<br />
---------<br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><b style="color: #cc0000;">Fall 2011: Restorative Circles learning event in my town of Urbana-Champaign, Illinois: October 12-16, 2011 </b></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><b><i>Want to chat about the Revolution in person while learning Restorative Circles (RC) from Dominic Barter, founder of RC? Read more below...</i></b></span><br />
<br />
<br />
Dominic Barter, founder of Restorative Circles (RC), will be offering the only 2011 North American RC learning opportunity right where I live (along with his team and other RC folks). Click on links below to register and let me know you saw it here so we can connect at the event!<br />
<br />
<b><a href="http://events.r20.constantcontact.com/register/event?oeidk=a07e4c5eps3a8e072b3&llr=u7oymrgab" target="_blank">One Day RC Overview Registration</a></b><br />
<br />
<b><a href="http://events.r20.constantcontact.com/register/event?llr=u7oymrgab&oeidk=a07e4cf9q4rcdb1c113" target="_blank">Four Day RC Facilitation Practice Registration</a></b><br />
<div class="zemanta-pixie" style="height: 15px; margin-top: 10px;"><a class="zemanta-pixie-a" href="http://www.zemanta.com/" title="Enhanced by Zemanta"><img alt="Enhanced by Zemanta" class="zemanta-pixie-img" src="http://img.zemanta.com/zemified_e.png?x-id=882c3a49-38d2-4943-bdd0-1230844d6eba" style="border: medium none; float: right;" /></a><span class="zem-script more-related pretty-attribution"><script defer="defer" src="http://static.zemanta.com/readside/loader.js" type="text/javascript">
</script></span></div>Elaine Shpunginhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13563386804379263440noreply@blogger.com36tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7160706912275051164.post-18936880727557939962011-09-12T19:44:00.000-07:002011-09-12T20:18:43.337-07:00Millions of Roses Red (Миллион алых роз)<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjvd5on8go4I28pObo4Ppo0z7t_80fRc7v00rnkxebQkSEhjJpZjjN6refjtRGkdSUzQrVlAB7Gy9Xc7Uuw67qnWpJuwxom-Us-26Ptnrgu7z5itUHplNpnKYEsEe1zMMr5DwslRK0ce-I/s1600/roses_Dyanna.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjvd5on8go4I28pObo4Ppo0z7t_80fRc7v00rnkxebQkSEhjJpZjjN6refjtRGkdSUzQrVlAB7Gy9Xc7Uuw67qnWpJuwxom-Us-26Ptnrgu7z5itUHplNpnKYEsEe1zMMr5DwslRK0ce-I/s1600/roses_Dyanna.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/dyanna/225782614/">Photo by Dyanna on Flickr</a></td></tr>
</tbody></table><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">This is a translation of once popular Russian song (1983), usually translated as "Millions of Scarlet Roses".</div><br />
This translation, by me, is not "literal" but follows the rhyme and rhythm of the song while keeping the meaning. The Russian version is below my translation. To hear Alla singing it in Russian go to: <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIFmhye6fqw">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIFmhye6fqw</a><br />
<br />
<div class="post-body entry-content" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><div style="text-align: center;"><style>
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</style> <span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif; font-size: small;"><b> </b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif; font-size: small;"><b>Millions of Roses Red</b></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif; font-size: small;"><i>Translated by Elaine Shpungin (content under copyright)</i></span> </div><blockquote><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif; text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: small;">Written by R. Pauls & A. Voznesenskii</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif; text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: small;">Performed by Allah Pugacheva</span></div></blockquote><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Once lived an artist alone; </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">had a small house and his art, </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">but to an actress who loved</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"> flowers he gave his whole heart.</span></div><style>
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</style> <span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; font-size: small;"> </span></div><div class="post-body entry-content" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; font-size: small;">And so he sold his small house,</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">sold both his art and his roof,</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">and for the money he bought</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">an ocean of flowers as proof.</span></div><blockquote style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Millions and millions and millions of roses red,</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">from your window, from your window, from your window is all you see.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">One in love, one in love, one in love with no regret,</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">turned his life into a sea of flowers just for thee.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: small;"><br />
</span> </div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Millions and millions and millions of roses red,</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">from your window, from your window, from your window is all you see.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">One in love, one in love, one in love with no regret,</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">turned his life into a sea of flowers just for thee.</span></div></blockquote><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; font-size: small;">Morning, you rise to the view.</span></div><div class="post-body entry-content" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; font-size: small;">Have you gone mad, you don't know. </span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Or maybe you’re dreaming anew:</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">a plaza of flowers below.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: small;"><br />
</span> </div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Your soul may grow colder inside:</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">what rich man is playing a game?</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">While holding his breath he’s outside:</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">his only possession his name.</span></div><blockquote><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Millions and millions and millions of roses red,</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">from your window, from your window, from your window is all you see.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">One in love, one in love, one in love with no regret,</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">turned his life into a sea of flowers just for thee.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: small;"><br />
</span> </div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Millions and millions and millions of roses red,</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">from your window, from your window, from your window is all you see.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">One in love, one in love, one in love with no regret,</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">turned his life into a sea of flowers just for thee.</span></div></blockquote><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; font-size: small;">Their time with each other was brief;</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">her train pulled away in night’s gloom.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">But in her remained the belief</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">in a mad song of roses in bloom.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: small;"><br />
</span> </div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">The artist lived on all alone.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">He suffered much grief and much strife.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">But the memory of flowers still shone;</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">forever a part of his life.</span></div><blockquote><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Millions and millions and millions of roses red,</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">from your window, from your window, from your window is all you see.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">One in love, one in love, one in love with no regret,</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">turned his life into a sea of flowers just for thee.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: small;"><br />
</span> </div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Millions and millions and millions of roses red,</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">from your window, from your window, from your window is all you see.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">One in love, one in love, one in love with no regret,</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">turned his life into a sea of flowers just for thee.</span></div></blockquote><br />
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<h1><a href="http://www.blogger.com/post-edit.g?blogID=7160706912275051164&postID=1893688072755793996" name="OLE_LINK2"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Миллион алых роз</span></a><span style="font-weight: normal;"> </span><span style="font-weight: normal;"></span></h1><h1><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-weight: normal;">Р. Паулс — А. Вознесенский<i></i></span></h1><style>
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<div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial Cyr";">Жил был художник один,<br />
Домик имел и холсты,<br />
Но он актрису любил,<br />
Ту, что любила цветы.<br />
<br />
Он тогда продал свой дом,<br />
Продал, картины и кров,<br />
И на все деньги купил<br />
Целое море цветов.</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial Cyr";">Миллион, миллион, миллион алых роз<br />
Из окна, из окна, из окна видишь ты,<br />
Кто влюблен, кто влюблен, кто влюблен, и всерьез,<br />
Свою жизнь для тебя превратит в цветы.<br />
<br />
Миллион, миллион, миллион алых роз<br />
Из окна, из окна, из окна видишь ты,<br />
Кто влюблен, кто влюблен, кто влюблен, и всерьез,<br />
Свою жизнь для тебя превратит в цветы.</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial Cyr";">Утром ты встанешь у окна,<br />
Может, сошла ты с ума?<br />
Как продолжение сна<br />
Площадь цветами полна.<br />
<br />
Похолодеет душа,<br />
Что за богач здесь чудит?<br />
А под окном, чуть дыша,<br />
Бедный художник стоит.</span><span style="font-family: Times;"></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial Cyr";">Миллион, миллион, миллион алых роз<br />
Из окна, из окна, из окна видишь ты,<br />
Кто влюблен, кто влюблен, кто влюблен, и всерьез,<br />
Свою жизнь для тебя превратит в цветы.<br />
<br />
Миллион, миллион, миллион алых роз<br />
Из окна, из окна, из окна видишь ты,<br />
Кто влюблен, кто влюблен, кто влюблен, и всерьез,<br />
Свою жизнь для тебя превратит в цветы.</span><span style="font-family: Times;"></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><style>
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</style> </div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial Cyr";">Встреча была коротка,<br />
В ночь ее поезд увез,<br />
Но в её жизни была<br />
Песня безумная роз.<br />
<br />
</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial Cyr";">Прожил художник один,<br />
Много он бед перенес,<br />
Но в его жизни была<br />
Целая площадь цветов!</span><span style="font-family: Times;"></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial Cyr";"> </span></span></div><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial Cyr";">Миллион, миллион, миллион алых роз<br />
Из окна, из окна, из окна видишь ты,<br />
Кто влюблен, кто влюблен, кто влюблен, и всерьез,<br />
Свою жизнь для тебя превратит в цветы.<br />
<br />
Миллион, миллион, миллион алых роз<br />
Из окна, из окна, из окна видишь ты,<br />
Кто влюблен, кто влюблен, кто влюблен, и всерьез,<br />
Свою жизнь для тебя превратит в цветы.<br />
<br />
</span></span> <span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial Cyr";"> </span></span><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial Cyr"; font-size: 7.5pt;"> </span></div>Elaine Shpunginhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13563386804379263440noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7160706912275051164.post-2486469147138705202011-03-28T19:02:00.000-07:002011-08-12T05:23:30.885-07:00From Sibling Conflict to Sibling Camaraderie: Micro-Circles Part 2<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi9Q2AU9EYxNmMETf3tOQ5TQ9K7PmRTrk5eBtY5Xt75QMQk3udkjWAnG1yUaGCT4NDWmKlccTAteKg7O-x-ZIbRdL8CKxf8rTsFdMca80CWZQEWXYjZDxYigPmpNuxeIYwxUpIUHdpl0Ko/s1600/twins_ethermoon.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi9Q2AU9EYxNmMETf3tOQ5TQ9K7PmRTrk5eBtY5Xt75QMQk3udkjWAnG1yUaGCT4NDWmKlccTAteKg7O-x-ZIbRdL8CKxf8rTsFdMca80CWZQEWXYjZDxYigPmpNuxeIYwxUpIUHdpl0Ko/s320/twins_ethermoon.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Photo by <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/ethermoon/">ethermoon</a> on Flickr</td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
I have been pleased and gratified by the enthusiastic response to my article on using "micro-circles" to address conflict between children in a variety of settings (<b><a href="http://www.improvecommunication.net/2010/10/3-steps-that-transform-sibling-conflict.html">3 Steps That Transform Sibling Conflict into Sibling Camaraderie</a></b>). Many people have shared stories of how well the process has been working in their homes and classrooms.<br />
<br />
<b>Many have also shared snags and difficulties, asking how to respond to situations where one or more participant won't reflect what they are hearing, breaks down in tears, or "refuses" to try the process.</b><br />
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"Micro-Circles Part 2" is my attempt to gather, in one place, my scattered answers to these questions and to share my ongoing discoveries as we use the process at home. Please continue to write and share both your successes and struggles - so we can continue to learn together.<i> </i><br />
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<div style="text-align: left;"><i>Note: If you have not seen the <b><a href="http://www.improvecommunication.net/2010/10/3-steps-that-transform-sibling-conflict.html">original article</a></b>, I imagine it may be helpful for you to start there.</i></div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
<i>Also, please note that, although the original article focuses on children, our family has now begun to use micro-circles between parent and child (other parent facilitating) and, occasionally, between parent and parent (with my 8 yr old facilitating).</i></div><blockquote><i></i></blockquote><div style="text-align: center;">---------------------------------------------------</div><div style="text-align: center;"> <b style="color: #990000;"> </b></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: large;"><b style="color: #990000;">HELP! IT'S NOT WORKING!</b></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><b style="color: #990000;"><span style="font-size: large;">a.k.a. Ways to Improve the Effectiveness of Micro-Circles</span></b></div><span style="font-size: small;"> </span><br />
<div style="color: #990000;"><br />
</div><div style="color: #990000;"><b>1. INCREASE SENSE OF CHOICE</b></div><b><br />
</b><br />
Dominic Barter (co-creator of the <a href="http://www.restorativecircles.org/">Restorative Circles</a> process, on which "micro-circles" are based) says that the more voluntary the participation of each person, the more "restorative" a circle will be. Thus, it may be helpful to hold the micro-circle option lightly, without attachment to the idea <i><b>that this is the process we must use for THIS micro-conflict (or all micro-conflicts). </b></i> <br />
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<b> a. Discuss Options Ahead of Time</b><br />
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One way to increase a sense of choice and buy-in is to discuss your options for addressing conflict with your family, classroom or group of friends, including the use of micro-circles. It may be easier to answer questions when people are not upset with each other, and you can demonstrate how micro-circles work - if there is interest. Then, everyone can <i>choose</i> whether micro-circles are one of the main options they want for addressing future conflicts.<br />
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<b>b. Discuss Options in the Moment</b><br />
<b><br />
</b><br />
When there is no standing assumption about micro-circles being a favored tool, or when a person expresses hesitation or disinterest in using the process, it can be helpful to remind everyone that they have a choice.<br />
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It helps me in these situations to honestly believe that there are other ways to address micro-conflicts - like having people separate from each other for a short time, switching activities, having a snack, having ME reflect each person for a bit so they each feel heard (this last one requires me to be more "centered"), having me hear both sides and come up with a solution (most kids know how <i>that</i> usually ends up) - or having them yell at each other for another 2 minutes and THEN offering a micro-circle again. Knowing a micro-circle is just ONE option, allows my body language to match my words when I remind us all that we have a choice and we decide, together, which option we would like to pursue.<br />
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<div style="color: #990000;"><b>2. </b><b><span style="color: #990000;">TAKE TIME TO SET THE TONE<br />
</span></b><br />
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<span style="color: #990000;"><span style="color: black;">While this is not "necessary," I have found that a few minutes of "set up" to get everyone in the zone tends to benefit the process. </span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #990000;"><span style="color: black;">This may involve helping folks relax a bit before jumping in, reminding everyone why you are choosing to address conflict this way, or reassuring someone who is willing but not quite ready.<br />
</span></span><br />
<blockquote><b><span style="color: #990000;"><span style="color: black;">a. Relaxing</span></span></b></blockquote><span style="color: black;">To help everyone (including me) relax a bit before beginning, I find it helpful to </span><span style="color: black;">take </span><span style="color: #990000;"><span style="color: black;">a deep calming breath and invite everyone to sit down </span></span><span style="color: #990000;"><span style="color: black;">where they can see and hear each other, aiming for a tone closer to that of an event hostess than of a wrestling referee.</span></span><span style="color: #990000;"><span style="color: black;"> Then, I may take another deep breath before I begin (this often creates spaciousness for others to take a breath or relax their bodies a bit). I have found that even this brief moment of centering helps the micro-circle be more productive.<br />
</span></span><br />
<blockquote><b><span style="color: #990000;"><span style="color: black;">b. Reminding</span></span></b><span style="color: #990000;"><span style="color: black;"><br />
</span></span></blockquote><span style="color: #990000;"><span style="color: black;">If people (including me) still seem unsettled, I may say a few words </span></span><span style="color: #990000;"><span style="color: black;">reminding everyone why we are here and emphasizing that we will be reflecting meaning, not "parrot-phrasing," in Barter's words. In our family, this may sound something like this:</span></span><span style="color: #990000;"><span style="color: black;"> </span></span><br />
<blockquote><span style="color: black;">"Ok, so just a reminder. We've chosen to do this micro-circle because it helps us hear each other, connect to each other and to find solutions that work for all of us. Each of you will get to say what's important to you. The other person will say back the meaning of what they heard. Not the dictionary definition of the words but the underlying meaning of what the other person is saying. Then we'll come up with ideas for how to solve the issue. Ok? OK. So - Rachel, what do you want Aaron to know first?"</span><span style="color: #990000;"><span style="color: black;"> <br />
</span></span></blockquote><i><span style="color: #990000;"><span style="color: black;">[please note that I usually say that we will help solve "the issue," rather than "the problem." In this framework, conflict is seen as an opportunity to increase understanding and connection, not necessarily as a problem]</span></span></i><br />
<span style="color: #990000;"><span style="color: black;"><br />
</span></span><br />
<b><span style="color: #990000;"><span style="color: black;"> c. Reassuring</span></span></b><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #990000;"><span style="color: black;">In some circumstances, I may take steps to comfort or reassure a person who is too upset to listen or speak - but seems interested in participating in a micro-circle. For instance, yesterday, our 3 yr old would not respond to repeated requests by her dad to "please move over there" (to give her brother some privacy to undress). Dad then became upset and, in a somewhat loud and frustrated voice, said "OK, I'm calling a micro-circle!" </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #990000;"><span style="color: black;">Upon hearing this, the 3 yr old burst into tears (since she had called a micro-circle earlier that day, I assumed the tears were a reaction to his tone, not the micro-circle itself). Thus, I stopped what I was doing and asked them both to follow me into the kids' room and have a seat. While both followed me to the room, showing agreement to participate, my daughter continued to cry loudly. Guessing that </span></span><span style="color: #990000;"><span style="color: black;">she would be open to some extra comfort/reassurance, I invited her</span></span><span style="color: #990000;"><span style="color: black;"> to sit on my lap while my husband sat facing us. We then conducted the micro-circle with me holding her the entire time, and her crying being part of the micro-circle, rather than something to get past so we could start talking (see below).</span></span><br />
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<b>3. INCREASE TRUST IN THE PROCESS</b></div><br />
For various reasons, one or more person involved in the micro-conflict may not trust that the process will benefit him/her. They may believe this is another way for others, including the facilitator, to get what they want. They may have limited experience with what it feels like to come up with a solution that works for multiple people (as opposed to having to give up what they want). They may not be able to imagine <a href="http://www.improvecommunication.net/2011/02/restorative-revolution.html">what may be possible</a> when people who disagree take time to listen to each other. Or they may approach most new things with a healthy dose of skepticism.<br />
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If you suspect this may be the case, and you are committed to using a more restorative way of addressing conflict, you may be able to help increase their trust in the process by addressing the issue of trust in the moment, outside of a live conflict, and/or modeling the process for them.<br />
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<b> a. Address Trust Directly</b> <br />
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A fine place to address the issue of trust is in a scheduled "options" conversation (see Increasing Sense of Choice, above).<br />
<br />
However, if you have not had this chat yet, you may sometime be able to address the issue of trust during a live conflict, for instance, after a person expresses hesitation or does not want to "reflect" what the other person is saying. Some questions that may get at that are:<br />
<blockquote>"Are you wondering if this new way will really help?"</blockquote><blockquote>"Are you worried this is not going to work out well for you?"</blockquote><blockquote>"Are you wondering how this reflecting thing can really help?"</blockquote>You can then transition into the "options" conversation (i.e., this is just one option of several; we can also try X or Y; or we can try this and see how it goes). If they seem open to trying it, I would recommend reviewing how the process works (see example of this under "setting the tone") so everyone is agreeing to the same thing.<br />
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<b> c. Show, Don't Tell</b><br />
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Sometimes, an example is worth a thousand explanations.<br />
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If one person in your family or group feels skeptical or skittish about the process, have them witness it in action a few times - as you facilitate between <i>other</i> people. Watching the process can help increase trust in two ways: by making it more familiar (thus, less scary) and by showing what the results tend to be.<br />
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Remember that you are not limited to the people living in your household. Micro-circles can be facilitated between adult friends, kids of friends, or between an adult and child. You can also be honest that you are learning the process, wanting more practice, or wanting your child/spouse to see how it works. People are often more willing to participate in something new if it's a contribution to someone else.<br />
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<b><span style="color: #990000;">4. SHIFT ATTENTION from CONTENT to MEANING </span></b><br />
<blockquote><b><span style="color: #990000;"><span style="color: black;">a. Gentle Reminders</span></span></b></blockquote><span style="color: #990000;"><span style="color: black;">Micro-circles, like other restorative practices, benefit from having meaning - not content - reflected, as people feel better understood this way. While this is not always necessary for small disputes, I find it helpful when emotions are running high to gently guide everyone to reflecting more meaning. Some phrases that seem to increase the likelihood of meaning being reflected (with my kids) are:</span></span><br />
<blockquote><span style="color: #990000;"><span style="color: black;">"So, what is the meaning of what you hear Rachel saying?"</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #990000;"><span style="color: black;">"What do you think she wants you to know underneath her words?"</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #990000;"><span style="color: black;">"Is that the main meaning you wanted him to understand?"</span></span></blockquote>Of course, these phrases are more likely to serve as gentle reminders if you have already talked about this idea during the "setting the tone" part.<br />
<blockquote><b>b. Body Language</b></blockquote><span style="color: #990000;"><span style="color: black;">The other way I may shift attention to meaning vs content is to treat purely non-verbal communication (silence with crossed arms, crying, looking down without speaking) as no different than verbal communication.</span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #990000;"><span style="color: black;">For instance, in the incident I described earlier, between my daughter and her dad, she was still crying hard when we climbed up on my lap to begin the micro-circle. After holding her for a minute quietly and wiping her face a bit, I began with something like this:</span></span><br />
<blockquote><span style="color: #990000;"><span style="color: black;">"Rachel, what would you like your dad to know?"</span></span><br />
Rachel continues to cry.<br />
Turning to my husband:<span style="color: #990000;"><span style="color: black;"> "What do you think Rachel wants you to know?"</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #990000;"><span style="color: black;">[pauses and looks at her] "That she is very upset right now?"</span></span><br />
"Is that right, Rachel?" [she nods, her crying a little softer]<br />
"Is there anything else you want daddy to know right now?"<br />
She shakes her head no and keeps crying.<br />
Turning to my husband again. "Ok, what would you like Rachel to know?"<br />
"I guess I was feeling angry before but now I feel a little sad."<br />
"Rachel, what do you hear daddy saying?"<br />
"The meaning?" she says through her tears.<br />
"Yes, the meaning," I say.<br />
"That there are two people here who are sad?"she says, just sniffling now.<br />
"Yes," my husband agrees. "Yes, you and I are both sad now."<br />
[we continue from there, moving to the actual incident that occurred]</blockquote><div style="text-align: left;"></div><b><span style="color: #990000;">5. LET THEM EAT CAKE (or carrots)</span></b><br />
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While I already mentioned this in the original article, it bears gentle repeating. We have found that if one or more of the participants are hungry or tired, things do not tend to work out. If you sense that hunger is the culprit, I recommend calling for a non-punitive snack break first, with assurance that you will come back to the issue immediately after (although, often, they will no longer need a micro-circle by then). If someone is just too exhausted to listen and reflect, it may be a good time to separate or switch activities. This is something I am learning to spot better with time - so just a heads up.<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b style="color: #cc0000;">Fall 2011: Restorative Circles learning event in my town of Urbana-Champaign, Illinois: October 12-16, 2011 </b></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b><i>Want to chat about conflict and kids in person while learning Restorative Circles (RC) from Dominic Barter, RC co-creator? Read more below...</i></b></span><br />
<br />
Dominic Barter, co-creator of Restorative Circles (RC), will be offering the only 2011 North American RC learning opportunity right where I live (along with his team and other RC folks). Click on links below to register and let me know you saw it here so we can connect at the event!<br />
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<b><a href="http://events.r20.constantcontact.com/register/event?oeidk=a07e4c5eps3a8e072b3&llr=u7oymrgab" target="_blank">One Day RC Overview Registration</a></b><br />
<br />
<b><a href="http://events.r20.constantcontact.com/register/event?llr=u7oymrgab&oeidk=a07e4cf9q4rcdb1c113" target="_blank">Four Day RC Facilitation Practice Registration</a> </b><br />
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-------------------------------------------------- <br />
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Other posts about Conflict and Restorative Practices:<br />
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<b><a href="http://www.improvecommunication.net/2011/02/restorative-revolution.html">The Restorative Revolution</a></b><br />
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<b><a href="http://www.improvecommunication.net/2010/09/most-important-thing-to-know-about.html">The Most Important Thing to Know About Conflict</a></b><br />
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<b><a href="http://www.improvecommunication.net/2010_10_01_archive.html">Speaking While Upset: Moving From Destrctive to Constructive in 6 Simple Steps</a></b>Elaine Shpunginhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13563386804379263440noreply@blogger.com14tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7160706912275051164.post-54345786692090711562011-01-04T19:11:00.000-08:002011-01-09T19:53:52.559-08:00How to Say Thank You Without Notes, Quotes, or Photo Totes<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEig1-gR2mmw3DY0FYa-kbWZmTf59pFXhWmRWB_1BFEq2ig8LUE3n5vZSsgen7Tv7-S4KG0VQaSa5pI6DuhO_r-aaUjLIPbtyJsOP8hOeiOQdJsSjvNd8bWj7sB9-VHcnzkOpsqKNFL3DcA/s1600/rose_janet_calterra.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEig1-gR2mmw3DY0FYa-kbWZmTf59pFXhWmRWB_1BFEq2ig8LUE3n5vZSsgen7Tv7-S4KG0VQaSa5pI6DuhO_r-aaUjLIPbtyJsOP8hOeiOQdJsSjvNd8bWj7sB9-VHcnzkOpsqKNFL3DcA/s320/rose_janet_calterra.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Photo by <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/janet_calcaterra/">Janet Calterra</a> via Flickr</td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
Showing Appreciation is like exercising and getting enough sleep: we know it's important for everyone and good for us - but we don't necessarily build it into our daily lives as much as we'd like.<br />
<br />
Part of the reason is that Appreciation has become a high art - with hundreds of thank you quotes, letter-writing templates, gifts, and recognition ideas to choose, confuse, and intimidate.<br />
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That's why I'm grateful for this simple and brief Appreciation practice we do at our family meals and work meetings - borrowed from Myra Walden of the <a href="http://www.empoweringcommunicationinc.net/">Institute for Empowering Communication</a>. <br />
<br />
<div style="color: purple;"><span style="font-size: large;"><b>What do I love about this particular Appreciation practice? </b></span></div><ul><li><b>it</b><b>'s quick </b>(no preparation, purchases, writing, or photo-printers required)</li>
<li><b>it's easy </b>(our daughter has been doing it since she was 2.5 yrs old)</li>
<li><b>it's inclusive</b> (it goes around and comes back to you)</li>
<li><b>it's connecting</b> (it lets you know you matter and reminds you that others contribute to your life) </li>
<li><b>it's growth-inducing</b> (it stretches your gratitude muscles - without any soreness!) </li>
</ul>We have been doing these <i>Appreciations</i> in our family for over a year and while other appreciation practices we've tried have come and gone, this one has remained and become a favorite. You know something is working well when <b>the kids ask for it</b> ("Appreciation Time!") and when <b>a few minutes of Appreciations improves our collective mood</b> even on our grumpiest, most uphill, nothing-is-going-right days.<br />
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I also use the <i>Appreciations</i> when I facilitate meetings at work - usually at the beginning - and in committees or work groups, usually as a closing ritual. Recently, one of my collegues appreciated my introduction of this practice during an <i>Appreciation</i> round.<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b style="color: purple;">How do the Appreciations work?</b></span><br />
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Everyone present takes turns sharing <b style="color: purple;">one specific, observable way in which someone else has made their life better </b><span style="color: purple;"><span style="color: black;">(or contributed to that meeting). E</span></span>veryone gets one turn and everyone gets appreciated once. If there are two of you - great - less keeping track!<br />
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When we do this in our family, we usually go youngest to oldest, as the younger ones seem to benefit from not having to wait as long for their turn - and from having more choice (the later people have less choice as names get taken). Going in the same order every day also contributes to ease and predictability. However, once in a while we do switch it around and go oldest to youngest. <br />
<br />
<div style="color: purple;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">What is a specific, observable appreciation?</span><u><br />
</u></b></div><br />
It has been our experience that people feel more appreciated when someone <b>notices something specific they did to contribute to another</b>, rather than expressing appreciation using a general description or compliment like "good" "helpful" "trustworthy" or "generous."<br />
<br />
<div style="color: purple;"><b>Example of specific and observable appreciations: </b></div><div style="color: purple;"><br />
</div><div style="color: purple;"><b style="color: black;"> </b><span style="color: black;">Instead of "<i>I appreciate how helpful you were today,</i>" try</span><b></b><b>:</b></div><blockquote><div style="color: black;"><b>"I appreciate that you helped me clean up my blocks today."</b></div><div style="color: black;"><b>"I appreciate you covering for me when I went to that meeting this afternoon."</b></div></blockquote>However, if this suggestion is intimidating or will freeze you up before you even start, don't worry about it! The important thing is to jump in and try it. Your meaning will come across if you are sincere - and after doing it for a while, you can play around with different ways of expressing gratitude to see what you prefer.<br />
<div style="color: purple;"><b><br />
</b></div><div style="color: purple;"><span style="font-size: large;"><b>What if you have more than one appreciation for someone?</b></span></div><br />
We have found that the flow works better and people feel more patient when we go around quickly and <u>do everyone ONCE first</u>, before doing "extras." After one round is done and everyone has been appreciated, people are more open to hearing extras for others in the group. This can be introduced simply by saying "Today I have one more for Molly..."<br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-size: large;"><b>What if you can think of NOTHING to appreciate?</b></span><br />
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I admit that on some days (or for some people) it can be hard to come up with ANYTHING to appreciate (this is more likely to happen, of course, if you go last).<br />
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The important thing is not to panic or feel embarrassed. Gratitude, like other things, takes practice.<br />
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In the meantime, take a deep breath and give yourself a minute by saying "Let me think about how I want to phrase this...". Almost always you can come up with something small but meaningful like the person returning an email in a way that felt prompt to you or (if at home) eating with gusto (I appreciate the way you enjoyed your dad's/my cooking today).<br />
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<b>It might be helpful to remember that we are not aiming for the best appreciation of the day award</b> - just wanting to share one small way someone has contributed to your world and hear back one small way you have done the same.<br />
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<div style="color: purple;"><span style="font-size: large;"><b>It gets easier over time. </b></span></div><br />
<b>It's true - one of the benefits of the daily Appreciation ritual is that it seems to be strengthening and stretching our gratitude muscles. </b><br />
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As one example, for the first 6 months of us doing this ritual during our family dinners, our 2.5 yr old would do the same exact appreciation every day: "Mommy, thank you for sitting next to me today." I would always try to accept this graciously and someone else would usually add an "extra" appreciation for me at the end of the round.<br />
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Then, after about half a year of this, her appreciations began to shift into expressions of gratitude about all kinds of things, from her brother playing with her to getting hugs from dad to the yummy meal on her plate.<br />
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It might be that this was simply a matter of her developing and getting older - except, <b>I have also felt that my ease and ability to notice contributions and voice them is improving with practice.</b><br />
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I invite you to try this practice in your home, workplace, or committee and to stick with it for at least a few meetings/meals. <br />
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<b>The real effect for us has been additive and gradual, weaving itself into our ways of seeing each other and being together over time.</b><br />
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And that's something worth appreciating!<br />
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<b>--------------------</b><br />
<b> </b><br />
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<b><span style="color: purple;">Have a way of saying thank-you that you are willing to share? I'd love to hear about it! </span></b>Elaine Shpunginhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13563386804379263440noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7160706912275051164.post-23567896192058623182010-11-08T11:42:00.000-08:002011-08-12T05:24:17.530-07:00Drei Schritte von einem Geschwisterkonflikt zum Miteinander<a href="http://www.improvecommunication.net/2010/10/3-steps-that-transform-sibling-conflict.html">For English version, click here </a><br />
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Übersetzung aus dem Englischen:<br />
Torsten Krell, tokrell (hier ein at) web (punkt) de<br />
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><a href="http://www.blogger.com/post-edit.g?blogID=7160706912275051164&postID=2356789619205862318" name="_GoBack"><span lang="DE" style="font-size: 22pt;"></span></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi1MAueFXID_sMyCHp5VsNRYjNv20mD7lexw3Byy9Nn4QKEklpWYPRBMbUYfIV3M_7VvfUgsCxhfs4Pqsn1YP6cM9qJjF5SgmdwPdt7oFO9Up2XEFmlt6mgkZPtstsyR6voXwcnWy10dPc/s1600/siblings_eclaire.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi1MAueFXID_sMyCHp5VsNRYjNv20mD7lexw3Byy9Nn4QKEklpWYPRBMbUYfIV3M_7VvfUgsCxhfs4Pqsn1YP6cM9qJjF5SgmdwPdt7oFO9Up2XEFmlt6mgkZPtstsyR6voXwcnWy10dPc/s320/siblings_eclaire.jpg" width="214" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="DE" style="font-size: 14pt;">Meine beiden Kinder, 3 und 8 Jahre alt, haben viele Mini-Konflikte. Sie streiten auf dem Rücksitz vom Auto, weil einer „Ruhe haben“ will, während der andere singen oder vom Tag erzählen möchte. Sie streiten über die Sitzplätze am Abendbrotstisch (wer kriegt den besonderen Holzstuhl, wer darf neben welchem Elternteil sitzen). Sie streiten darüber, daß einer dem anderen zu nahe ist („Hör auf mich anzufassen!“) und über Spielzeuge und Buntstifte („Ich hatte das zuerst!“)</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="DE" style="font-size: 14pt;">Über die Jahre habe ich verschiedene Kombinationen von Strategien ausprobiert, um mit diesen Streitereien umzugehen, eingeschlossen „sie es unter sich ausmachen lassen“, „ihnen effektive Kommunikationsfähigkeiten beibringen“ (ha!), „sie voneinander trennen“, „jedem von ihnen Empathie geben“, „mediieren“, „Schiedsrichter spielen“, „Problemlösen“ und „Bestrafen“.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="DE" style="font-size: 14pt;">Keine von diesen war so wirksam, erfolgreich und befriedigend für mich (oder für sie!) wie die unten beschriebene Methode, die ich frei aus Dominic Barters Restorative-Circles-Modell entwickelt (und liebevoll „micro-circles“ genannt) habe.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><b><span lang="DE" style="font-size: 14pt;">Was ich an der micro-circle Methode mag, ist:</span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in; text-align: justify; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span lang="DE" style="font-size: 14pt;">(a)<span style="font: 7pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span><span lang="DE" style="font-size: 14pt;">sie ist schnell und unmittelbar (normalerweise 6-10 Minuten)</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in; text-align: justify; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span lang="DE" style="font-size: 14pt;">(b)<span style="font: 7pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span><span lang="DE" style="font-size: 14pt;">sie erfordert nicht, daß ich „in meiner Mitte“, geduldig, verständnisvoll, kreativ, unvoreingenommen, fair oder empathisch bin (in diesem Moment)</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in; text-align: justify; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span lang="DE" style="font-size: 14pt;">(c)<span style="font: 7pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span><span lang="DE" style="font-size: 14pt;">sie ist unglaublich stärkend für die Kinder (ich komme nicht in die Richterrolle, sondern die Kinder können sich selber zuhören und ihre eigenen Lösungen entwickeln, die erstaunlich verrückt, brillant und offensichtlich zufriedenstellend für sie sind)</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in; text-align: justify; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span lang="DE" style="font-size: 14pt;">(d)<span style="font: 7pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span><span lang="DE" style="font-size: 14pt;">sie scheint eher wieder Harmonie zwischen den Kindern herzustellen, anstatt eins oder mehrere von ihnen mit Enttäuschung oder Groll zurückzulassen.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.25in; text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="DE" style="font-size: 14pt;">Zuletzt eine Einschränkung: Ich halte die Methode dann nicht für wirksam, wenn das Hauptproblem ist, daß eine oder mehrere Parteien Hunger haben oder müde sind – oder die Mehrheit von ihnen eine größere Abwechslung in der Aktivität braucht (von ruhigem Spielen drinnen zu draußen Herumtoben).</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><br />
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</div><h1 style="color: #990000; text-align: justify;"><span lang="DE" style="font-size: 18pt;">DIE DREI SCHRITTE EINES MICRO-CIRCLES</span></h1><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="color: #990000; margin-left: 0.5in; text-align: justify; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span lang="DE" style="font-size: 14pt;"><b>1.<span style="font: 7pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></b></span><span lang="DE" style="font-size: 14pt;"><b>EINEN RAUM SCHAFFEN</b></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="DE" style="font-size: 14pt;"> </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="DE" style="font-size: 14pt;">Nimm einen tiefen, beruhigenden Atemzug und unterbrich den Disput so früh wie möglich in seinem Verlauf, wenn du glaubst, es eskaliert. Schaffe einen physischen oder emotionalen Raum zwischen ihnen, wenn nötig.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.25in; text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="color: #990000; margin-left: 0.5in; page-break-after: avoid; text-align: justify; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span lang="DE" style="font-size: 14pt;"><b>2.<span style="font: 7pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></b></span><span lang="DE" style="font-size: 14pt;"><b>GEGENSEITIGES VERSTÄNDNIS</b></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="page-break-after: avoid; text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="page-break-after: avoid; text-align: justify;"><span lang="DE" style="font-size: 14pt;">In dieser Phase wechseln sich die Kinder damit ab, dem anderen das mitzuteilen, was der andere wissen soll, während der andere sein Verständnis der Botschaft WIEDERGIBT.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="page-break-after: avoid; text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="page-break-after: avoid; text-align: justify;"><span lang="DE" style="font-size: 14pt;">Dein Handwerkszeug für diese Phase ist einfach:</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="page-break-after: avoid; text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><h2 style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="DE" style="font-size: 14pt;">„Was soll X von dir wissen?“ „Was hast du Y sagen hören?“ „Ist es das?“</span></h2><div class="MsoNormal" style="page-break-after: avoid; text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="page-break-after: avoid; text-align: justify;"><span lang="DE" style="font-size: 14pt;">Dann, exakt diesselben Fragen mit dem vorherigen Sprecher als Zuhörer und dem vorherigen Zuhörer als Sprecher. Wenn der als erster eingeladene Zuhörer sagt, er möchte nicht wiedergeben, kein Problem. Bitte ihn zu sprechen und den anderen zuzuhören. Nachdem sie sich gehört fühlen, sind sie eher in der Lage zuzuhören.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="page-break-after: avoid; text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="color: #990000; margin-left: 0.5in; text-align: justify; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span lang="DE" style="font-size: 14pt;"><b>3.<span style="font: 7pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></b></span><span lang="DE" style="font-size: 14pt;"><b>HANDLUNGSPLAN</b></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="DE" style="font-size: 14pt;">Wenn einmal beide Kinder gesagt haben, daß sie sich verstanden fühlen, überläßt du IHNEN das Problemlösen, während du dich zurücklehnst und genießt.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="DE" style="font-size: 14pt;">Dein Werkzeug für diese Phase ist einfach:</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoBodyText2" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="DE" style="font-size: 14pt;">„Hat irgendjemand eine Idee, wie die Situation gelöst werden kann?“ „Geht das so für dich?“</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div style="border-color: windowtext -moz-use-text-color; border-style: solid none; border-width: 0.75pt medium; padding: 1pt 0in;"><div class="MsoNormal" style="border: medium none; padding: 0in; text-align: justify;"><span lang="DE" style="font-size: 14pt;">Um zu demonstrieren, wie das im wirklichen Leben aussehen könnte, hier zwei Mitschriften von echten micro-circles, die ich kürzlich begleitet habe. Wie du sehen wirst, müssen die Kinder nicht Geschwister sein - aber es ist hilfreich, wenn sie (und ihre Erziehungsberechtigten) dich kennen und dir vertrauen.</span></div></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoBodyText2" style="color: #990000; text-align: justify;"><span lang="DE" style="font-size: 14pt;">BEISPIEL EINS: CAMPINGAUSFLUG (Aaron: 8; Rachel: 3,5; Zach: 6,5)</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="DE" style="font-size: 14pt;">Rachel: „Mama! Aaron und Zach lassen mich nicht mitspielen!“</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="DE" style="font-size: 14pt;">Ich: „Aaron, kannst mal herkommen, bitte? Danke. Rachel, <b>was soll dein Bruder wissen</b></span><span lang="DE" style="font-size: 14pt;">?“</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="DE" style="font-size: 14pt;"><b></b></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="DE" style="font-size: 14pt;">Rachel: „Ich möchte mit Euch Jungs spielen!“</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="DE" style="font-size: 14pt;">Ich: „Aaron, <b>was hast du deine Schwester sagen hören</b></span><span lang="DE" style="font-size: 14pt;">?“</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="DE" style="font-size: 14pt;">Aaron, augenrollend, seine Stimme klingt verärgert, „sie will mit uns spielen. Aber...“</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="DE" style="font-size: 14pt;">Ich, sanft unterbrechend: „Warte, nur eine Minute. <b>Rachel, ist es das?</b></span><span lang="DE" style="font-size: 14pt;"> Ist das das, was du deinen Bruder wissen lassen willst?“</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="DE" style="font-size: 14pt;">Rachel: „Ja!“ [das vervollständigt eine Runde – nun gucken wir zum anderen Kind]</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="DE" style="font-size: 14pt;">Ich: „Ok, Aaron, <b>was soll deine Schwester wissen</b></span><span lang="DE" style="font-size: 14pt;">?“</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="DE" style="font-size: 14pt;">Aaron: „Ich möchte nicht, daß sie jetzt mit uns spielt. Ich will bißchen ungestört sein. Nicht ungestört, aber so..., Zach und ich hatten den ganzen Tag noch keine Chance, daß wir mit uns spielen. Ich möchte ein bißchen nur mit ihm spielen.“</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="DE" style="font-size: 14pt;">Ich: „Rachel, <b>was hast du deinen Bruder sagen hören</b></span><span lang="DE" style="font-size: 14pt;">?“</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="DE" style="font-size: 14pt;">Rachel, klingt ein bißchen eingeschnappt und unglücklich: „Er will seine Ruhe haben. Er will mit Zach alleine spielen.“</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="DE" style="font-size: 14pt;">Ich: „Aaron, <b>ist es das</b></span><span lang="DE" style="font-size: 14pt;">?“</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="DE" style="font-size: 14pt;">Aaron: „Ja.“ [das beendet Runde 2 – jetzt gehen wir wieder zum ersten Kind]</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="DE" style="font-size: 14pt;">Ich: „Rachel, <b>gibt es noch etwas, was dein Bruder wissen soll</b></span><span lang="DE" style="font-size: 14pt;">?“</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="DE" style="font-size: 14pt;">Rachel: „Nein.“</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="DE" style="font-size: 14pt;">Ich: „Aaron, <b>gibt es noch etwas, was Rachel wissen soll</b></span><span lang="DE" style="font-size: 14pt;">?“</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="DE" style="font-size: 14pt;">Aaron: „Nein.“ [das vollendet Gegenseitiges Verständnis. Jetzt zum Handlungsplan]</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="DE" style="font-size: 14pt;">Ich: „Ok, danke. So, <b>hat jetzt irgendjemand Ideen, wie die Situation gelöst werden könnte</b></span><span lang="DE" style="font-size: 14pt;">?“</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="DE" style="font-size: 14pt;">Rachel: „NEIN“</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="DE" style="font-size: 14pt;">Aaron: „Gut, sie kann mit uns spielen, wenn sie keine Fragen stellt. Über das Spiel oder was wir machen.“</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="DE" style="font-size: 14pt;">Ich bin ziemlich verblüfft, aber so fühle ich mich oft in dieser Phase: „Rachel, dein Bruder sagt, es ist ok, wenn du mit ihm und Zach spielst, wenn du keine Fragen über das Spiel stellst. <b>Geht das für dich</b></span><span lang="DE" style="font-size: 14pt;">?“</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="DE" style="font-size: 14pt;">Rachel, klingt ganz zufrieden: „Ja.“</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="DE" style="font-size: 14pt;">Ich: „Ok, toll. Danke Euch.“</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="DE" style="font-size: 14pt;">Die drei Kinder spielen dann erfolgreich zusammen für eine Stunde. Aaron berichtet später, daß es „ok“ war und Rachel nur eine kleine Frage stellte.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="color: #990000; text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoBodyText2" style="color: #990000; text-align: justify;"><span lang="DE" style="font-size: 14pt;">BEISPIEL ZWEI: LEGO (Rachel: 3,5; Isaiah: 3,5)</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="DE" style="font-size: 14pt;">Wir sind bei Isaiah zu Hause und er hat nie an so einem Prozeß teilgenommen oder zugeguckt.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="DE" style="font-size: 14pt;">Rachel: „Gib mir auch welche. Ich will welche haben.“</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="DE" style="font-size: 14pt;">Isaiah: „Nein, hör auf!“</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-size: 14pt;">Isaiahs Mama: „Hey Kinder. </span><span lang="DE" style="font-size: 14pt;">Es gibt keinen Grund zu kämpfen. Wir haben genug Lego.“</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="DE" style="font-size: 14pt;">Sie steht auf , holt einen anderen Legobehälter und gibt ihn Rachel.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="DE" style="font-size: 14pt;">Rachel: „Nein, ich will DIESES Lego!“</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="DE" style="font-size: 14pt;">Isaiahs Mama: „Isaiah, kannst du dein Lego mit Rachel teilen? Oder ein paar aus dieser Box nehmen?“</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="DE" style="font-size: 14pt;">Isaiah: „Nein, ich will dieses. Ich hatte die!“</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="DE" style="font-size: 14pt;">Rachel beginnt ihr Gesicht zu verziehen und zu weinen.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="DE" style="font-size: 14pt;">Ich frage vorsichtig: „Habt ihr was dagegen, wenn ich etwas anderes probiere?“</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="DE" style="font-size: 14pt;">Isaiahs Mama: „Nein, nur zu!“</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="DE" style="font-size: 14pt;">Ich: „Kinder, wartet eine Sekunde. Ich möchte versuchen euch zu helfen... </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="DE" style="font-size: 14pt;">[nachdem ich ihre Aufmerksamkeit bekomme und Ruhe ist] Rachel, <b>was soll Isaiah wissen</b></span><span lang="DE" style="font-size: 14pt;">?“</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="DE" style="font-size: 14pt;">Rachel: „Ich will mit diesem Lego spielen! Aus dieser Kiste!“</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="DE" style="font-size: 14pt;">Ich: „Isaiah, <b>was hast du Rachel sagen hören</b></span><span lang="DE" style="font-size: 14pt;">?“</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="IT" style="font-size: 14pt;">Isaiah: „Blödi bla bla”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="DE" style="font-size: 14pt;">Ich: „Rachel, <b>ist es das</b></span><span lang="DE" style="font-size: 14pt;">? Soll Isaiah das hören?</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="DE" style="font-size: 14pt;">Rachel, leicht amüsiert: „Nein, ich will sein Lego.“</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="DE" style="font-size: 14pt;">Ich: „Isaiah, <b>was hast du Rachel jetzt sagen hören</b></span><span lang="DE" style="font-size: 14pt;">?“</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="DE" style="font-size: 14pt;">Isaiah: „Sie will das Lego. Und das ganze bla bla Zeug, das will ich nicht hören.“</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="DE" style="font-size: 14pt;">Ich: „Rachel, <b>ist es das</b></span><span lang="DE" style="font-size: 14pt;">?“</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="DE" style="font-size: 14pt;">Rachel: „Ja.“ [das beendet die erste Runde – nun gehen wir zum anderen Kind]</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="DE" style="font-size: 14pt;">Ich: „Ok, Isaiah, <b>was soll Rachel wissen</b></span><span lang="DE" style="font-size: 14pt;">?“</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="DE" style="font-size: 14pt;">Isaiah: „Ich will nicht, daß sie das Lego hat. Ich spiele damit.“</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="DE" style="font-size: 14pt;">Ich: „Rachel, <b>was hast du Isaiah sagen hören</b></span><span lang="DE" style="font-size: 14pt;">?“</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="DE" style="font-size: 14pt;">Rachel, traurig, „Er will nicht teilen.“</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="DE" style="font-size: 14pt;">Ich: „Isaiah, <b>ist es das</b></span><span lang="DE" style="font-size: 14pt;">? Soll Rachel das hören?</span><span lang="DE" style="font-size: 14pt;">“</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="DE" style="font-size: 14pt;">Isaiah: „JA!“ [das beendet die zweite Runde, jetzt wieder zum anderen Kind]</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="DE" style="font-size: 14pt;">Ich: „Rachel, <b>gibt es noch etwas, was Isaiah wissen soll</b></span><span lang="DE" style="font-size: 14pt;">?“</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="DE" style="font-size: 14pt;">Rachel: „Ich bin frustriert und ärgerlich.“</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="DE" style="font-size: 14pt;">Ich: „ Isaiah, <b>was hast du Rachel sagen hören</b></span><span lang="DE" style="font-size: 14pt;">?“</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="DE" style="font-size: 14pt;">Isaiah: „Sie ist frustriert und bla bla.“</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="DE" style="font-size: 14pt;">Ich: „Rachel, <b>ist es das</b></span><span lang="DE" style="font-size: 14pt;">?</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="DE" style="font-size: 14pt;">Rachel: „Ja!“ [das vollendet die dritte Runde; jetzt gehen wir zum anderen Kind]</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="DE" style="font-size: 14pt;">[Nachdem beide Kinder gesagt haben, daß es nichts weiter mitzuteilen gibt, gehen wir zum Handlungsplan]</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="DE" style="font-size: 14pt;">Ich: „Danke euch beiden. So, <b>hat jetzt irgendjemand Ideen, wie die Situation gelöst werden könnte</b></span><span lang="DE" style="font-size: 14pt;">?“</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="DE" style="font-size: 14pt;">Rachel: „NEIN“</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="DE" style="font-size: 14pt;">Isaiah: „Ja. Wir nehmen das Aquarium, kippen es aus und überschwemmen den Fußboden!“</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="DE" style="font-size: 14pt;">Ich: „Rachel, geht das für dich? Wird den-Boden-überschwemmen helfen deine Situation zu lösen?“</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="DE" style="font-size: 14pt;">Rachel, lächelt ein bißchen, „NEIIIN.“ [Übrigens, die Ideen sollen für alle funktionieren, also kann jeder intervenieren und sagen, daß ein bestimmter Vorschlag nicht funktioniert, auch die Mütter! Manchmal hören andere Kinder zu und kommen mit Ideen. Ich nehme die einfach und frage „Geht das für jeden?“]</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="DE" style="font-size: 14pt;">Ich: „Ok, <b>hat irgendjemand irgendeine andere Idee, die hilft die Situation zu lösen</b></span><span lang="DE" style="font-size: 14pt;">?“</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="DE" style="font-size: 14pt;">Isaiah nimmt ohne etwas zu sagen sein Legogebilde, das er gerade gebaut hat, bricht es entzwei, gibt Rachel eine Hälfte, greift in ihre Kiste, nimmt sich daraus einiges an Lego für sich und setzt sich hin und guckt zufrieden. Rachel sieht sehr glücklich aus.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="DE" style="font-size: 14pt;">Ich, verblüfft, wie üblich: „Ok. <b>Geht das so für jeden</b></span><span lang="DE" style="font-size: 14pt;">?“</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="DE" style="font-size: 14pt;">Beide Kinder: „Ja.“</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="DE" style="font-size: 14pt;">Danach scheinen die Kinder eine totale Veränderung zu erleben, wie sie miteinander umgehen. Sie beginnen <i>zusammen</i></span><span lang="DE" style="font-size: 14pt;"> zu spielen, Legosteine hin- und her zu tauschen. Plötzlich springt Rachel zu Isaiah rüber und streichelt seine Haare. So spielen sie fröhlich zusammen für weitere 20 Minuten.</span></div><div style="border-color: -moz-use-text-color -moz-use-text-color windowtext; border-style: none none solid; border-width: medium medium 0.75pt; padding: 0in 0in 1pt;"><div class="MsoNormal" style="border: medium none; padding: 0in;"><br />
</div></div><h2 style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="DE" style="font-size: 14pt;">Was tun, wenn es nicht funktioniert?</span></h2><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="DE" style="font-size: 14pt;">Obwohl dieses einfache Gerüst in den meisten Fällen effektiv funktioniert, haben die Kinder manchmal genug zusammen gespielt, brauchen Schlaf oder Essen oder einen kompletten Umgebungswechsel. Manchmal hat ein Kind noch etwas, womit es noch nicht gehört wurde, dann kannst du noch eine Runde „Gegenseitiges Verständnis“ versuchen. Oder nicht.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="DE" style="font-size: 14pt;">Wenn es nicht klappt, oder trotzdem eskaliert, kannst du immer auf deine anderen bewährten und richtigen Strategien zurückgreifen – im Idealfall, ohne jemanden dafür zu „beschuldigen“, einfach weitermachen.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="DE" style="font-size: 14pt;">Möglicherweise klappt es beim nächsten Mal besser.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="DE" style="font-size: 14pt;">Die Kinder finden schnell heraus, daß dieser Weg alle mehr zufrieden macht und ihr Selbstbewußtsein stärkt.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="DE" style="font-size: 14pt;">-------------</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="DE" style="font-size: 14pt;">Note from author: I would love to hear your comments but can only respond to the English ones at this time.</span><br />
<span lang="DE" style="font-size: 14pt;">------------</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><b style="color: #cc0000;">Fall 2011: Restorative Circles learning event in my town of Urbana-Champaign, Illinois: October 12-16, 2011 </b></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><b><i>Want to chat about conflict and kids in person while learning Restorative Circles (RC) from Dominic Barter, RC co-creator? Read more below...</i></b></span><br />
<br />
Dominic Barter, co-creator of Restorative Circles (RC), will be offering the only 2011 North American RC learning opportunity right where I live (along with his team and other RC folks). Click on links below to register and let me know you saw it here so we can connect at the event!<br />
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<b><a href="http://events.r20.constantcontact.com/register/event?oeidk=a07e4c5eps3a8e072b3&llr=u7oymrgab" target="_blank">One Day RC Overview Registration</a></b><br />
<br />
<b><a href="http://events.r20.constantcontact.com/register/event?llr=u7oymrgab&oeidk=a07e4cf9q4rcdb1c113" target="_blank">Four Day RC Facilitation Practice Registration</a></b><br />
<span lang="DE" style="font-size: 14pt;"> </span></div>Elaine Shpunginhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13563386804379263440noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7160706912275051164.post-79795900408253993662010-10-18T10:42:00.000-07:002011-01-04T11:48:52.976-08:00Speaking While Upset: Moving from Destructive to Constructive in 6 Simple Steps<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhjz44Q8pwlhCac2FzQskgNkgd9AKLP8JLdYhuJRWhRj2211ZSJZ7t-C6FUr1DMutvYRnqDDoL-cCbDUEkoQgFCl39GBQpp6bCko2NT3T49GJcE4h7Bo9sJW8SIZhhZJ5LwCx-GBusWwOI/s1600/myheart_Gibson_Claire_McGuire_Regester.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhjz44Q8pwlhCac2FzQskgNkgd9AKLP8JLdYhuJRWhRj2211ZSJZ7t-C6FUr1DMutvYRnqDDoL-cCbDUEkoQgFCl39GBQpp6bCko2NT3T49GJcE4h7Bo9sJW8SIZhhZJ5LwCx-GBusWwOI/s320/myheart_Gibson_Claire_McGuire_Regester.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Photo by <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/gibsonselectric/">Gibson Claire McGuire Regester</a> on Flickr</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Let's assume that you already know that trying to express your feelings and thoughts while you are physically and psychologically aroused (angry, exasperated, deeply disappointed) is unlikely to help you communicate productively (unless you count number of insults or volume level as part of your productivity quotient).<br />
<br />
Let's also assume that like me, you have adopted a number of "calming down" techniques (time out from the other person, breathing, going for a walk, standing on your head, eating chocolate, ok - I digress) before trying to talk with the person about what happened (or simply re-engaging with them at all).<br />
<br />
Perhaps you have then discovered, like I have, that these calming down strategies work fairly well while the two of you are apart, but don't do much good when you actually try to communicate about the issue (whether in person or over email).<br />
<br />
<div id="inline-content-bottom-left"><div class="block" id="block-mlt-001"><div class="pt-box pt-box-white"><div class="t"></div></div></div></div><b>This is because most calming down techniques do not fundamentally change the thoughts and judgments you are holding about the person or their behavior. </b><br />
<br />
Thus, when you communicate with the person, those negative thoughts and judgments ("<i>She's careless and incompetent</i>" "<i>That was so inconsiderate and disrespectful</i>!") get woven into your tone and word choices. And - <b>sensing these barbed messages within your communication, the person will have a much harder time focusing on what you are saying - or hearing you the way you'd like to be heard.</b><br />
<br />
So, what is one to do? Marshall Rosenberg, the father of <a class="ext" href="http://www.cnvc.org/" target="_blank">Non Violent Communication</a><span class="ext"></span> (NVC), urges us to engage in "empathy before education."<br />
<br />
<b>The </b><b>most effective and efficient way </b><b>I know of doing this <i>on my own</i> is to fill out an Empathy Worksheet.</b><br />
<br />
There are different variations of these in the NVC community; this one is a slight modification of one used by <a class="ext" href="http://www.newtbailey.com/" target="_blank">Newt Bailey</a><span class="ext"></span>, effective communication coach and conflict resolution trainer, facilitator and mediator - as well as one of the stars of the <a class="ext" href="http://www.youtube.com/baynvc" target="_blank">Conflict Hotline</a><span class="ext"></span>, a show on conflict resolution hosted by <a class="ext" href="http://www.baynvc.org/" target="_blank">BayNVC</a><span class="ext"></span>'s non violence guru Miki Kashtan.<br />
<br />
<b>What I love about my Empathy Worksheet:</b><br />
<ul><li><b>Quick </b>(10 - 20 min depending on how deep you want to go)</li>
<li><b>Easy </b>(my 8 yr. old does it on his own)</li>
<li><b>Empowering </b>(moves me past self-pity, anger, judgments and criticisms to what really matters to me)</li>
<li><b>Effective </b>(allows me to communicate in a way that greatly increases my chances of being heard and to hear the other person)</li>
</ul>So, what's involved?<span style="font-size: large;"><b> </b></span><br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: large;"><b><span style="color: purple;">1: STOP, DROP, AND WRITE</span></b></span></div><br />
STOP what you are doing and take 10 minutes to fill out the Worksheet!<br />
<br />
<b>BEFORE YOU PRESS SEND.</b> Don't send that angry email you just composed! Go do the Worksheet and then edit the email before sending it out.<br />
<br />
<b>BEFORE YOU ESCALATE. </b>If you are in an escalating argument, STOP. Tell the other person this is not going anywhere productive and that you'd like to take some time out and continue in 30 minutes. Go do the Worksheet and then reboot the conversation using what you discovered.<br />
<br />
<b>BEFORE YOU CONFRONT.</b> If you are upset and rehearsing all the things you are going to say when you see that person, find 10 minutes to do the Worksheet first.<br />
<br />
<b>BEFORE YOU LOSE ANY MORE SLEEP.</b><br />
If you are ruminating about something, do the Worksheet for some relief and some movement forward.<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: left;"><b>Preparing the Worksheet:</b> You can create the Worksheet on any piece of paper. Divide the paper in thirds by letter folding it. Label the top third "<b>Judgments</b>", the middle third "<b>Feelings</b>" and the bottom third "<b>Needs</b>".<span style="font-size: large;"><b> </b></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div style="color: purple; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: large;"><b>2: CHOOSE ONE SPECIFIC INCIDENT</b></span> </div><br />
Choose a specific incident and describe it as <i>objectively</i> as you can at the very BOTTOM of the page (the top will get thrown out later).<br />
<br />
Even if you are angry or disappointed by a <i>series of incidents</i>, it will help if you choose one (either the most recent or the one that is MOST symbolic of the whole thing).<br />
<br />
Let's say the issue is your partner repeatedly not following through with agreements you have made. The most recent incident might be that they did not mail a package they said they would mail for you.<br />
EXAMPLE OF OBJECTIVE DESCRIPTION OF THIS INCIDENT:<br />
<blockquote><i><b>Got home and saw the package on the table.</b></i></blockquote>A less objective description would be: "The package was <b><i>still</i></b> on the table..." or "You <i><b>forgot </b></i>to mail the package" or "<b><i>Once again</i></b>, something I care about was not..." etc.<span style="font-size: large;"><b> </b></span><br />
<br />
<div style="color: purple; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: large;"><b>3: WRITE DOWN YOUR <i>JUDGMENTS</i></b></span></div><br />
<div class="article-image-wrap article-image-wrap-article-inline-half" style="width: 230px;"></div>This is the part where you get to vent!<br />
<br />
In the TOP THIRD of your Worksheet, write down all the nasty, brutal, attacking, judgmental, self-pitying, analytical, diagnostic, despairing, evaluative judgments and thoughts you are having about the person or incident. Don't hold back (they will NOT get to see this part of the sheet).<br />
EXAMPLE:<br />
<blockquote><b>So inconsiderate!</b><b> </b><b>Oh my god can't take it anymore!</b><b> </b><b>Self centered, uncaring, no feelings.</b><b> </b><b>Really in trouble this time.</b><b> </b><b>Why why why???</b><b> </b><b>Can't trust anymore.</b><b> </b><b>Unbearable!</b> etc.<span style="font-size: large;"><b></b></span></blockquote><br />
<div style="color: purple; text-align: center;"><blockquote><span style="font-size: large;"><b>4: WRITE DOWN YOUR <i>FEELINGS</i></b></span></blockquote></div><div class="article-image-wrap article-image-wrap-imagecache"></div><div class="article-image-wrap article-image-wrap-imagecache">In the MIDDLE THIRD of your Worksheet, write down all the feelings you have about the person or incident. If your feeling vocabulary is a bit under-nourished, use a list such as this one: <b><a class="ext" href="http://cnvc.org/Training/feelings-inventory" target="_blank">http://cnvc.org/Training/feelings-inventory</a><span class="ext"></span></b>.</div><div class="article-image-wrap article-image-wrap-imagecache"></div>EXAMPLE:<br />
<blockquote><b>Angry. Furious. Frustrated. Surprised. Actually - NOT surprised! Exasperated. Fuming. Despair. Hopeless. Super sad.</b> etc.<span style="font-size: large;"><b></b></span></blockquote><br />
<div style="color: purple; text-align: center;"><blockquote><span style="font-size: large;"><b>5: WRITE DOWN YOUR <i>NEEDS</i></b></span></blockquote></div><div class="article-image-wrap article-image-wrap-article-inline-half" style="width: 223px;"></div><br />
On the BOTTOM THIRD of your sheet, write down the unmet needs which may be leading to the feelings you wrote above. Try using the starting phrases "<b>I need more...</b>" or "<b>I am really wanting some...</b>" .<br />
<br />
Most of us have been trained not to consider our needs as legitimate, so your needs vocabulary might also benefit from a helpful list: <b><a class="ext" href="http://cnvc.org/Training/needs-inventory" target="_blank">http://cnvc.org/Training/needs-inventory.</a></b><br />
<br />
<i>It is important to remember that, in this model, the feelings stem from the deep unmet needs you have in this area - not from the one incident or even from the one person consistently failing to meet those needs (that is, our needs can only be met fully when we turn to multiple people and multiple strategies to fill them).</i><br />
<br />
EXAMPLE:<br />
<div class="article-content-top"><a class="pt-basics-link" href="http://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/narcissism" title="Psychology Today looks at Narcissism"> </a><br />
<blockquote><b>I really want more respect. I need consideration and care. I want to be able to trust you when we agree on something. I want some help and support around here. I want things to just be easier between us!</b></blockquote>When you have finished writing down all the needs, <b>circle the ones that seem most essential to you in relation to what happened</b>. These are the ones you'll be sharing when the time comes.<span style="font-size: large;"><b> </b></span><br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: large;"><b><span style="color: purple;">6: USE WORKSHEET TO HAVE CONSTRUCTIVE CONVERSATION!</span></b></span></div><br />
<b>(a) </b><b>Schedule a time and space to speak</b>, rather than coming at the person out of the blue.<br />
<b>(b) Rip off and burn the TOP THIRD of the Worksheet</b><b> (Judgments)</b><b>. </b>Ok, you can shred it or destroy it some other way.<br />
<b>(c) Speak (or write) ONLY from the remaining parts of the Worksheet</b> <b>(Needs, Feelings, and Objective Description of Incident).</b> This is the part that will increase your chances of actually being heard and will shift the conversation from destructive to constructive.</div><div id="inline-content-bottom-left"><div class="block" id="block-mlt-001"><div class="pt-box pt-box-white"><div class="t"></div></div></div><div class="block" id="block-cam_search_160"><div class="directory-mini directory-mini-cam"><div class="directory-mini-inner"><div class="search-form"><form action="http://healthprofs.com/cam/prof_results.php">Breathe and be patient with yourself and the other person, especially the first few times you do this. Now go forth and try it!<span style="font-size: large;"><b> </b></span><br />
<br />
<div style="color: purple; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: large;"><b>WHAT IF IT STILL DOESN'T WORK?</b></span> </div><br />
If the two of you have a history of not being able to hear each other, or you find that the person is still sounding "defensive" or "dismissive" when you try to speak from your feelings and needs, you may need to build up a little more trust <i>over the next couple of conversations</i> by doing one or more of the following:</form></div></div></div></div></div><br />
<b>(a) Try filling out an ADDITIONAL Worksheet for THEM or ask them to fill one out for themselves. </b>To do a Worksheet for another person, make GUESSES about their Feelings and Needs (skip the Judgment section).<b></b><br />
<b><br />
</b><br />
<b>(b) Try introducing or explaining what you are doing.</b><br />
<br />
<b>(c) Try taking turns speaking and reflecting understanding</b> (more on this in a post coming soon).<br />
<br />
<br />
<div style="color: purple;"><b>EXAMPLE of PUTTING IT TOGETHER:</b></div><blockquote><b>So, like I said before, I'd like to talk about what happened this morning. </b><b>But I really want this conversation to be different. For both of us. So </b><b>I used this exercise to write down some of my feelings and thoughts so I can sound less critical. Are you willing to try this out with me?</b> </blockquote><blockquote><i><b>Sure. I guess.</b></i> </blockquote><blockquote><b></b><br />
<b>And I'd also like to try this thing where we check what each person hears after the other person speaks. Just to help us feel like we are really listening to each other. Ok?</b><b> Because I really want this conversation to be different for us. Are you willing to try that with me.</b> </blockquote><blockquote><i><b>Yeah. Go ahead.</b></i> </blockquote><blockquote><b></b><br />
<b>Ok</b><b>, so I got home and the package I asked you to mail was on the table. </b>[looking at your Worksheet] <b>And I felt some anger and some sadness and some frustration. </b>[Choosing one of the two circled needs for now] <b>Because I really want to be able to trust you when we agree on stuff. </b>[Deep breath]<b> So, just wondering what you heard me say so far?</b></blockquote><br />
---------------<br />
<br />
<div style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><div style="color: purple;"><b><span style="font-size: small;">Enjoyed this post? Share the knowledge by using the icons below.</span></b></div><b><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: purple;">I also welcome your feedback, reactions and questions in the Comments section.</span></span></b></div>Elaine Shpunginhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13563386804379263440noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7160706912275051164.post-49493861353026707122010-10-08T13:37:00.000-07:002012-04-12T08:42:04.471-07:003 Steps that Transform Sibling Conflict into Sibling Camaraderie<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"></table>
<b><a href="http://www.improvecommunication.net/2010_11_01_archive.html">For a German version of this post, generously translated by a colleague, click here</a></b><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjyFCr6vUo_dV2ASKGTNoZAeT6ei8WUsbHF_0T1-TCe-Tg3sURXTAcoURauekM8u6QtwCgpWVSl8_KdnEX1W1Yq1wt0w8IJZQbaoFmtMTsCxW8kF6E85RkC8-Sp5L0mt3ReRTtwO661k64/s1600/siblings_eclaire.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjyFCr6vUo_dV2ASKGTNoZAeT6ei8WUsbHF_0T1-TCe-Tg3sURXTAcoURauekM8u6QtwCgpWVSl8_KdnEX1W1Yq1wt0w8IJZQbaoFmtMTsCxW8kF6E85RkC8-Sp5L0mt3ReRTtwO661k64/s320/siblings_eclaire.jpg" width="214" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Photo by <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/colouredinks/">eclaire</a> on Flickr</td></tr>
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<br />
My two kids, now ages 4 and 9, seem to have lots of minor conflicts. They argue in the backseat of the car because one of them wants "quiet time" while the other wants to sing or tell me about their day. They argue about the seating arrangement for dinner (who gets the special wooden chair, who gets to sit next to which parent). They argue about one being in the other's physical space ("Stop touching me!") and over toys and markers ("I was using that first!")<br />
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Over the years, I have handled these disputes using a combination of different strategies, including "letting them work it out", "teaching them effective communication skills (ha!)", "separating them", "giving each of them empathy," "mediating," "refereeing", "problem-solving" and "punishing."<br />
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None
of these have been as effective, efficient, and satisfying to me (or
to them!) as the method described below, a family-friendly adaptation of Dominic Barter's award winning <a href="http://www.restorativecircles.org/">Restorative Circles</a>, which go by many different
names around the world and are called Micro-Circles in our family.<br />
<i></i><br />
<br />
<b>What I love about the Micro-Circle process:</b></div>
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<br />
<b>(a) </b><b>it is fast and present-oriented</b> - usually 6-10 minutes <br />
<br />
<b>(b) </b> <b>it is empowering for those involved</b> - By engaging participants in hearing
each other and creating
their own solutions, you decrease
both the sense of helplessness (we don't know how to solve this) - and
powerlessness (we don't have choice in how things are gonna go) - which
often result from having a third party (even a well-meaning one) be
judge and jury to one's conflict.<br />
<br />
<b>(c)</b> <b>it seems to restore harmony and connection between participants </b>-
rather than leaving one or more of them feeling resentful or revengeful
(as tends to happen when a third party, even a well-meaning one,
imposes a solution)<br />
<br />
(d) <b>it is another way to live</b> what I now believe to be the <a href="http://www.improvecommunication.net/2010/09/most-important-thing-to-know-about.html" target="_blank"><b>Most Important Thing To Know About Conflict</b></a><br />
<br />
<a href="http://rsrc.psychologytoday.com/files/imagecache/article-inline-half/blogs/45912/2010/10/48639-37063.jpg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"> </a></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>THE 3 STEPS OF A MICRO-CIRCLE</b></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span><br />
<div style="color: purple;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><b>1. CREATE A SPACE</b></span></div>
<b><br />
</b>Take a deep calming breath and interrupt the dispute as early as
possible in its cycle, if you believe it is escalating. If you have
talked about using Micro-Circles ahead of time (which I recommend),
offer a Micro-Circle and invite participants to sit down where they can
see each other. <br />
<br />
<i>Optional:</i> I have also found it helpful to set the tone by reminding everyone
why and how you do Micro-Circles (ex: "Just a reminder that we choose to
do Micro-Circles in our family [classroom, etc] because they help us
hear each other - and come up with ideas that work for everyone. We will
try to hear the meaning underneath each other's words and
body-language. Everyone will get a turn to communicate and be heard."<br />
<b><br />
</b><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><b><span style="color: purple;">2. MUTUAL UNDERSTANDING</span></b></span><br />
<b><span style="color: purple;"> </span> </b><br />
For this phase, you have each participant <i>take a turn</i>
sharing something they want the other(s) to know - followed by the
Listener saying back their understanding of the message. I like to <b>start with the person I believe is least able to listen</b> (sometimes due to age, sometimes due to how upset they are). <br />
<br />
Your tools for this phase are:<br />
<br />
<b>"What do you want Listener to know?" </b><br />
<br />
<b>"What do you think Communicator wants you to know?" </b>(to discourage "parrot-phrasing" you can also do variations such as: "What is
the meaning you hear underneath Communicator's words?"). Once people
learn the idea, you can also use "What do you hear Communicator saying?"
as shortcut.<b></b><br />
<b><br /></b><br />
<b>"Is that it?"</b> (or "Is that what you wanted heard?")<br />
<br />
Then, same exact questions in reverse (Listener communicating, previous Communicator now Listening).<br />
<br />
<i>Refusal to Speak or Reflect Meaning</i><br />
<br />
If
the first invited Listener says they don't want to reflect the meaning,
no problem. Ask them to speak and the other to reflect. After they feel
heard, they are likely to be more able to listen.<br />
<br />
If a person <i>says nothing</i> in response to "What do you want X to know?" I still ask the Listener to express their understanding of the <i>underlying message</i> - since non-verbal communication is just as powerful (if not more so) than verbal communication.<br />
<br />
For
instance, my son has learned that when his sister has her arms crossed
silently, with a scowl on her face, he may reflect something like "She
wants me to know she is too angry to talk?" - which I follow with "Is
that what you wanted heard?" and so on from there.<br />
<br />
<div style="color: purple;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><b>3. ACTION PLAN</b></span></div>
<br />
Once all parties have said they feel understood, you get THEM to come up with ideas for moving forward - while you sit back and enjoy.<br />
<br />
Your tools for this phase are:<br />
<br />
<b>"Does anyone have any ideas for how to move forward with this?" <span style="font-weight: normal;">(or "how to resolve this issue?")</span></b>. I
try not to use the phrase "solve this problem" because we want to
emphasize that conflict is not a problem but an opportunity to work
together, re-connect and understand each other better.<b><span style="font-weight: normal;"></span></b><br />
<b><br /></b><br />
<b>"Does that work for everyone?" </b>(for me, the threshold here is "can everyone live with that idea" - rather than "is everyone overjoyed with that idea?")<br />
<br />
--------<br />
To demonstrate how this may look in real life, below are two
transcripts of actual micro-circles I facilitated with children. As you will
see, the kids don't have to be siblings - but it helps if they (and
their care-takers) know you and trust you.<span style="font-size: small;"><b><br /></b></span>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b><span style="color: purple;">EXAMPLE ONE: CAMPING TRIP </span></b></span></div>
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<b><span style="color: purple;">(Aaron: 8; Rachel: 3 1/2; Zach: 6 1/2)</span></b></div>
<b><br />
</b><br />
Rachel: "Mom! Aaron and Zach won't let me play with them!"<br />
<br />
Me: "Aaron, can you come here please? Thank you. Rachel, <b>what do you want your brother to know</b>?"<br />
<br />
Rachel: "I want to play with you guys!!"<br />
<br />
Me: "Aaron, <b>what do you hear your sister saying</b>?"<br />
<br />
Aaron, rolling his eyes, his voice sounding annoyed, "She wants to play with us. But..."<br />
Me, interrupting gently: "Hold on, just a minute. <b>Rachel, is that it?</b> Is that what you want your brother to know?"<br />
<br />
Rachel: "Yes!" [this completes one round - now we go to other child]<br />
<br />
Me: "Ok, Aaron, <b>what do you want your sister to know</b>?"<br />
<br />
Aaron: "I don't want her to play with us right now. I want some privacy. Not privacy, but like, Zach and I have not had a chance to play by ourselves all day. I just want some time with him."<br />
Me: "Rachel, <b>what do you hear your brother saying</b>?"<br />
<br />
Rachel, sounding quite sulky and unhappy: "He wants privacy. He wants to play with Zach alone."<br />
Me: "Aaron, <b>is that it?</b>"<br />
<br />
Aaron: "Yes." [this completes round 2 - now we go to first child]<br />
<br />
Me: "Rachel, <b>is there anything else you want your brother to know</b>?"<br />
<br />
Rachel: "No."<br />
<br />
Me: "Aaron, <b>is there anything else you want Rachel to know</b>?"<br />
<br />
Aaron: "No." [this completes Mutual Understanding. Now go to Action Plan.]<br />
<br />
Me: "Ok, Thank you. Now, <b>does anyone have any ideas for how to solve this issue</b>?"<br />
<br />
Rachel: "NO."<br />
<br />
Aaron: "Well, she can play with us if she doesn't ask any questions. About the game or like what we're doing."<br />
<br />
Me, feeling rather astounded, which is how I usually feel at this phase: "Rachel, your brother says its ok to play with him and Zach if you don't ask any questions about the game. <b>Does that work for you</b>?"<br />
<br />
Rachel, sounding quite satisfied: "Yes."<br />
<br />
Me: "Ok great. Thank you guys."<br />
<br />
The 3 kids then proceed to play succesfully together for about an hour. Aaron later reported that it worked out "ok" and that Rachel only asked one small question.<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>EXAMPLE TWO: LEGOS </b></span></div>
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<b>(Rachel: 3 1/2; Isaiah: 3 1/2)</b></div>
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<br />
We are at Isaiah's house and he has never participated in this process or observed it before.<br />
<br />
Rachel: "Give me some! I want some!"<br />
<br />
Isaiah: "No! Stop that!"<br />
<br />
Isaiah's mom: "Hey guys. There is no need to fight. There are plenty of legos."<br />
<br />
She gets up and gets a different container of legos and gives the new container to Rachel.<br />
<br />
Rachel: "No! I want THOSE legos!"<br />
<br />
Isaiah's mom: "Isaiah, can you share some of your legos with Rachel? Or take some of the ones from this box?"<br />
<br />
Isaiah: "No! I want these. I was using them!"<br />
<br />
Rachel is starting to screw up her face for some crying.<br />
<br />
Me, coming over tentatively: "Do you mind if I try something different?"<br />
<br />
Isaiah's mom: "No, go ahead."<br />
<br />
Me: "Guys, guys. Hold on a second. I want to try something to help... <br />
[after getting their attention and a pause in the noise] Rachel, <b>what would you like Isaiah to know</b>?"<br />
<br />
Rachel: "<b>I want to play with his legos! In that box!</b>"<br />
<br />
Me: "Isaiah, <b>what do you hear Rachel saying</b>?"<br />
<br />
Isaiah: "Stupid doo doo!"<br />
<br />
Me: "Rachel, <b>is that it</b>? Is that what you want Isaiah to know?"<br />
<br />
Rachel, mildly amused: "No. I want his legos."<br />
<br />
Me: "Isaiah, <b>what do you hear Rachel saying now</b>?"<br />
<br />
Isaiah "She wants the legos. And all that blah blah blah stuff I don't want to hear."<br />
<br />
Me: "Rachel, <b>is that it</b>?"<br />
<br />
Rachel: "Yes." [this completes the first round; now we go to other child]<br />
<br />
Me: "Ok, Isaiah, <b>what would you like Rachel to know</b>?"<br />
<br />
Isaiah: "I don't want her to have the legos. I am USING them."<br />
<br />
Me: "Rachel, <b>what do you hear Isaiah saying</b>?"<br />
<br />
Rachel, sadly, "He doesn't want to share."<br />
<br />
Me: "Isaiah, <b>is that it</b>? Is that what you want Rachel to know?"<br />
<br />
Isaiah: "YEAH!" [this completes the second round; now we go to other child]<br />
<br />
Me: "Rachel, <b>is there anything else you want Isaiah to know</b>?"<br />
<br />
Rachel: "I am FRUSTRATED and ANGRY."<br />
<br />
Me: "Isaiah, <b>what do you hear Rachel saying</b>?"<br />
<br />
Isaiah: "She is frustrated and blah blah."<br />
<br />
Me: "Rachel, is that it?"<br />
<br />
Rachel: "Yes." [this completes third round; now we go to other child]<br />
<br />
[After both children say they have nothing else to share, we go to Action Plan]<br />
<br />
Me: "Thank you both. Now, <b>does anyone have any ideas about how to solve this issue</b>?"<br />
Rachel: "NO."<br />
<br />
Isaiah: "Yeah. Take that fish tank and spill it out and FLOOD this floor!"<br />
<br />
Me: "Rachel, <b>does that work for you</b>? Will flooding the floor help solve this issue for you?"<br />
<br />
Rachel, smiling a bit, "Nooo." [incidentally, the ideas need to work for EVERYONE, so anyone can jump in and say that a certain idea does not work, including the moms! Also, at times, other kids who have been listenging will jump in with ideas. I simply take these and ask "does that work for everyone?"]<br />
<br />
Me: "Ok, <b>does anyone have any other ideas to help solve this issue</b>?"<br />
<br />
Isaiah, without speaking, takes the lego structure he was building, breaks it in half, gives one half to Rachel, reaches into her box and takes a bunch of legos out of that box for himself, and sits down looking satisfied. Rachel looks very happy too.<br />
<br />
Me, astounded as usual: "Ok. <b>Does this work for everyone</b>?"<br />
<br />
Both kids: "Yes."<br />
<br />
The kids then seem to experience a complete shift in how they were interacting with each other. They begin to play <i>together,</i> sharing legos back and forth. At one point, Rachel scoots over to Isaiah and pets his hair. They play happily like this for another 20 minutes.<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>What happens if it doesn't work?</b></span> </div>
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It is important to me that micro-circles are a choice. Thus, if no one wants to reflect, I sometimes reflect one or the other for a few rounds or ask the kids if they want to do something different instead (ex: eat, separate). What's interesting is that many of our "failed" micro-circles (the ones that seem to fall apart before we get to Action Plan) wind up being successess - meaning the kids are actually "done" with the conflict and ready to do something positive - together or separately.<br />
<br />
The important thing for me is to just keep offering it (and participating in it myself, in our case) week after week. Over time, it has become a part of how we do conflict in our family - along with yelling, threatening, sarcasm and "come here you crabby old thing and give me a big hug!" Hey - we're only human after all.<br />
<br />
-----------------------------------<br />
<i><b>Other Caveats and Lessons Learned:</b></i><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
The <a href="http://www.restorativecircles.org/">Restorative Circles</a>
(RC) process, whether in its fullness (see below) or shorter
adaptations (like Micro-Circles), tends to be more "restorative" when it
is a <b>choice</b> - or one possible way the participants can approach conflict.</blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
RC (and other restorative practices) tend to be more effective when you remember to attend to <b>basic needs</b>
like safety, sleep and comfort. Or - as my son put it when he was asked
by Barter (at a recent RC Learning Event) what he'd like to share from
our family's micro-circles experience: "<i>Make sure everyone eats first!</i>" <br />
<br />
Micro-Circles are an example of how RC can be adapted to fit smaller conflicts and attention spans. <b>For more painful conflicts</b>
with symbolic meaning attached to the "act" (like when forgetting to
take out the garbage becomes "you can't be trusted with anything"), we
find it useful to engage in a longer adaptation of RC (what we call in
our home Restorative
Conversations, which take 30-40 minutes). </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<b>For </b><b>very painful conflicts </b>with
lots of symbolic meaning (including violent acts and long-standing
family conflicts) we find that a "full" RC process, as developed by
Barter, helps create the most effective container for the conflict to be
addressed. <b>To facilitate the "full" RC process</b>, we have found that apprenticeship learning with experienced RC facilitators has been key for us.</blockquote>
--------------------------<br />
<br />
<b>MORE ABOUT RESTORATIVE CIRCLES (RC) AND MICRO-CIRCLES </b><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<b><a href="http://www.restorativecircles.org/" target="_blank">Restorative Circles</a>
(RC)</b> is a community-owned process for moving through conflict
developed by Dominic Barter in Brazil,
where RCs are being used in hundreds of
school districts, juvenile court systems, organizations and families.
Recently, RC was recognized by a leading social innovation think tank
(United Kingdom's National Endowment for Science, Technology and the
Arts) as one of the <a href="http://www.restorativecircles.org/restorative-circles-chosen-by-nesta-for-their">10 most "radically efficient" public services</a> around the world.</blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
RC uses <i>facilitated dialogue</i>
to help members of a "conflict community" hear each other and come to
shared agreements. In it's "fullness," RC involves several phases
(pre-circle, circle and post-circle) and stages (mutual comprehension,
self-responsibility and agreed action). </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<b>The Micro-Circle </b>process
(sometimes referred to as <i>Cirandas
Restourative</i> in Brazil) is a shorter and lighter version of RC
which
can be used to address smaller disagreements - or disagreements
between smaller people - while still (ideally) embodying the underlying
principles of RC (e.g., voluntariness, shared power, conflict as an
opportunity to grow rather than something to avoid, dialogue as a way of
re-humanizing each other, etc).<b></b></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<b>Learn More: </b>Check out videos and events on the
<a href="http://restorativecircles.org/">RestorativeCircles.org</a> website, participate in discussion and news on the <a href="http://www.facebook.com/pages/Restorative-Circles/164291746992031">RC Facebook page</a>, or learn about nuts and bolts on the <a href="http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Restorative-Circles/?tab=s">Restorative-Circles Yahoo group</a>. </blockquote>
-------------------------- <br />
<br />
<b>March 2011 Update: In response to questions from readers and friends trying out the process, I have written </b><b><a href="http://bit.ly/gA6ucB">Part 2, which combines the most Frequently Answered Questions.</a> </b><br />
<b>-------------------------- </b><br />
<br />
<strong>Opportunities to learn Restorative Circles facilitation with Dominic Barter:</strong><br />
<ul>
<li>Colorado Restorative Justice Summit: August 9-11, 2012</li>
<li>Rochester, NY Restorative Circles Learning Event: August 18-23, 2012</li>
</ul>
<strong>Opportunity to explore non-violence (and RC) with Dominic Barter and Kit Miller of Gandhi Institute:</strong><br />
<ul>
<li><a class="ext" href="http://www.findhorn.org/programmes/239/#.T4bmkcpTmzc" target="_blank">Findhorn NonViolence Intensive</a><span class="ext"></span> (Scotland): July 14-20, 2012<strong><br /></strong></li>
</ul>
<b> </b><span style="font-size: small;"><b>Readers who enjoyed this post may also enjoy these:</b></span><br />
<div style="color: purple;">
<ul>
<li><span style="font-size: small;"><b><a href="http://www.tikkun.org/nextgen/walking-toward-conflict">Walking Toward Conflict</a></b> <span style="color: black;">(Barter, for $2.00 from Tikkun Magazine) </span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: small;"><b><a href="http://www.tikkun.org/nextgen/the-fight-room">The Fight Room: Imagining a Different Future</a></b><span style="color: black;"> (Shpungin & Barter)</span><a href="http://www.tikkun.org/nextgen/the-fight-room"><br /></a></span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: small;"><b><a href="http://www.improvecommunication.net/2010/09/most-important-thing-to-know-about.html" style="color: blue;">The Most Important Thing to Know About Conflict</a></b> <span style="color: black;">(Shpungin)</span></span><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></li>
<li><b><a href="http://www.improvecommunication.net/2011/02/restorative-revolution.html"><span style="font-size: small;">The Restorative Revolution</span></a></b><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: black;"> (Shpungin)</span></span></li>
<li><b><a href="http://www.tikkun.org/nextgen/how-super-is-superhero-justice">How Super is Superhero Justice?</a> </b><span style="color: black;">(Lyubansky) </span><b><br /></b></li>
<li><span style="font-size: small;"><a href="http://www.tikkun.org/nextgen/a-restorative-circle-in-the-wake-of-a-police-shooting"><b>A Restorative Circle in the Wake of a Police Shooting</b></a> <span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;">(</span>Brenneke) </span> </span></li>
</ul>
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<span style="color: purple; font-size: small;"><b><br />
</b></span>Elaine Shpunginhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13563386804379263440noreply@blogger.com32tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7160706912275051164.post-49601613665370543482010-09-27T12:49:00.000-07:002011-08-12T05:27:45.878-07:00The Most Important Thing to Know About Conflict<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEieeLBy0zCq-7PYvPmsNdnmIRR2EcsWcwvEiX85gxwrwdDgoGvk6_wEkk6YIDA9ego_YaDzsGIe04XCg9eLvcsH4WxuDqYp1aL7OiGd5xDAOfS9IfstbYhXLNXPTrYpzrBuZ0G6lSLG2Bs/s1600/Warning+contents+under+pressure+tattoo.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEieeLBy0zCq-7PYvPmsNdnmIRR2EcsWcwvEiX85gxwrwdDgoGvk6_wEkk6YIDA9ego_YaDzsGIe04XCg9eLvcsH4WxuDqYp1aL7OiGd5xDAOfS9IfstbYhXLNXPTrYpzrBuZ0G6lSLG2Bs/s1600/Warning+contents+under+pressure+tattoo.jpg" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><br />
<a class="pt-basics-link" href="http://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/narcissism" title="Psychology Today looks at Narcissism"> </a>There is something my parents and teachers never told me about conflict.<br />
<br />
<div class="article-content-top">To increase safety, move towards it.<br />
<br />
I'm guessing that this idea, for many of you, is not only counter-intuitive but down right aversive. Certainly, for most of my adult life that had been the case. Just the thought of needing to "deal" with a live conflict would knot my stomach into a ropy mass. After all, stepping into a situation in which people were too angry or hurt to be "calm" (even when the people happened to be me) was volatile, dangerous, unstable.<br />
<br />
To help me feel safer, I found many effective ways to <b>avoid conflict</b>, or, if not avoidable, bring down the temperature of those involved through a number of effective "soothing" techniques.<br />
<br />
However, the conflicts themselves did not actually get resolved. They just went under ground. And my subsequent interactions with the same people would continue to have that tinge of danger - the slight scent of gun powder in the air - ready to ignite with the right spark.</div><div id="inline-content-bottom-left"><div class="block" id="block-mlt-001"><div class="pt-box pt-box-white"></div></div></div>But that's the nature of conflict, isn't it? The best we can do is get everyone to agree to behave in a "civilized" manner for the duration of our time together and Hallelujah if we can get that far.<br />
<br />
Or so I thought until I met Dominic Barter, a Brazilian Brit, and founder of <a class="ext" href="http://www.restorativecircles.org/" target="_blank">Restorative Circles</a><span class="ext"></span>, who has turned my ideas about conflict, safety, and explosive content upside down.<br />
<br />
Barter's theory is that painful conflict has to do with unmet - and unheard - needs (let's say for respect, security, love, safety). The further we move away from the communication of the unmet need, the louder that communication needs to become to get our attention. In other words, <b>just as people tend to raise their volume in order to compensate for being further apart physically, they also tend to "raise their volume" to compensate for their perception that they are moving further apart in shared understanding.</b><br />
<div class="article-image-wrap article-image-wrap-article-inline-full" style="width: 238px;"><img alt="People close to each other yelling" src="http://rsrc.psychologytoday.com/files/imagecache/article-inline-full/blogs/45912/2010/09/48196-36281.jpg" title="" /></div><br />
At its extreme, this volume raising looks like violence.<br />
<br />
It follows, then, that in order to lower the volume of a conflict, you move towards it, <b>not with the intention to soothe but with the intention of increasing mutual understanding</b>.<br />
<br />
This theory underlies Barter's wildly successful and <a class="ext" href="http://www.restorativecircles.org/restorative-circles-chosen-by-nesta-for-their" target="_blank" title="Restorative Circles Win UK's Radical Efficiency Award">award winning</a><span class="ext"></span> restorative justice process of addressing conflict at all levels.<br />
<br />
Indeed, when I first heard it, the idea of moving towards conflict felt both radical and resonant to me. Somewhere deep inside, I recognized the times I had escalated my volume, words, actions - in response to what I believed was a complete lack of being heard or understood.<br />
<br />
Still, as Barter advises, I did not simply take his word for it. Instead, I spent most of this summer trying out the theory for myself.<br />
<br />
What this looked like on the ground is that my spouse and I seemed to suddenly be having a striking increase in arguments - painful, frequent, unpleasant, tiring, dragged out arguments. At least that was how it seemed at first.<br />
<br />
I believe this was a natural result of allowing myself - for the first time ever - to trust (just temporarily) that Barter may be right. And so, I was moving us towards the (explosive) exploration of long-avoided areas of "unmet needs," such as "Am I really loved and wanted?" and "Does what I say really matter?".<br />
<br />
However, neither arguing nor avoding arguments brings on the <b>mutual understanding</b> that, according to Barter, leads to increased restoration (righting of relationships) and safety.<br />
<br />
Thus, what was different about my experiment this summer is that after every painful argument, we made time (later on) for a deep, restorative conversation (using tools gleaned from Barter's <a class="ext" href="http://www.restorativecircles.org/" target="_blank" title="Restorative Circles homepage">Restorative Circles</a><span class="ext"></span> and other related modalities, including <a class="ext" href="http://www.cnvc.org/" target="_blank" title="Non Violent Communication homepage">Non Violent Communication</a><span class="ext"></span>). Over the course of weeks and months, these restorative conversations about <b>real truths</b> started to bring us out of the darkness of some long-standing mutual mis-understanding into the light of mutual comprehension.<br />
<br />
And over time, the restorative conversations began to take the place of the arguments. At least some of the time.<br />
<br />
And then, a wonderful thing happened.<br />
<br />
<b>The spaces between our arguments not only grew longer. They grew peaceful. </b><br />
<br />
Not simply the quiet of a temporary truce. Not the silence of an agreement to disagree or a patient tolerance of the issue. Not a grin-and-bear it, suck it up, everyone-must-compromise-something type of thing. It was the clear crisp quiet of having things cleared out and set back to zero.<br />
<br />
<b>The sense of ease and comfort that flowed between us after a painful issue had been honestly examined using restorative tools was profound.</b> Even our children could feel it.<br />
<br />
Peace, it turns out, is not the absence of conflict but the state of deep inner knowing that your most sacred longings have been fully heard and acknowledged. And that can only be accomplished by moving into - and through - the fire.<br />
<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b style="color: #cc0000;">Fall 2011: Restorative Circles learning event in my town of Urbana-Champaign, Illinois: October 12-16, 2011 </b></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b><i>Want to chat about conflict in person while learning Restorative Circles (RC) from Dominic Barter, RC co-creator? Read more below...</i></b></span><br />
<br />
Dominic Barter, co-creator of Restorative Circles (RC), will be offering the only 2011 North American RC learning opportunity right where I live (along with his team and other RC folks). Click on links below to register and let me know you saw it here so we can connect at the event!<br />
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<b><a href="http://events.r20.constantcontact.com/register/event?oeidk=a07e4c5eps3a8e072b3&llr=u7oymrgab" target="_blank">One Day RC Overview Registration</a></b><br />
<br />
<b><a href="http://events.r20.constantcontact.com/register/event?llr=u7oymrgab&oeidk=a07e4cf9q4rcdb1c113" target="_blank">Four Day RC Facilitation Practice Registration</a></b><br />
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<div style="color: purple;"><b><span style="font-size: small;">Enjoyed this post? Share the knowledge by using the icons below.</span></b></div><b><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: purple;">I also welcome your feedback, reactions and questions in the Comments section.</span></span></b>Elaine Shpunginhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13563386804379263440noreply@blogger.com17tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7160706912275051164.post-55163469026943094932010-08-08T20:53:00.000-07:002012-01-05T10:42:13.266-08:00How Small Actions Can Lead to Large Rewards<blockquote>"<i>We cannot do great things on this earth. We can only do small things with great love.</i>"<br />
- Mother Theresa</blockquote><br />
I've long had a love/hate relationship with that quote.<br />
<br />
On the one hand, I want to be humble enough to believe that small, every day acts done with full heartedness can stitch together the world we want to live in.<br />
<br />
On the other hand, what I am most attracted to are broad actions that transform and reform - that bring about sweeping and life-altering changes. Pinel, unchaining the inmates at a French mental asylum and forever shifting the way we approach mental illness. Gandhi, fighting for the rights of the untouchables. Peaceful protesters teaching their bodies to go limp in spite of the sight of trained dogs and fire hoses. A 38 year old man stepping a booted foot on the moon. Penicillin. A novel that spreads like wildfire, affecting the minds of millions of people. <br />
<br />
<b>Despite Mother Theresa's wise-sounding words, deep down in my heart I continue to believe that if only I could do one "great thing" on this earth, I would be filled with satisfaction and peace</b> (not that I would scoff at doing <i>several</i> great things - but one seems like a nice place to start).<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi8aEmPHS31MKmM0WQ7fs-bGtVnaOAtiHaZmodKFBbUO1QiVEQ2ubwnmNvFZcws7xiN8trC0qIkXMfYw3jFUA89W2CgHZgwz0QCm0tc46kjL5bGz_fXGOiLYfG8XArynvhIjJe8t_28fVc/s1600/Pinel.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="282" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi8aEmPHS31MKmM0WQ7fs-bGtVnaOAtiHaZmodKFBbUO1QiVEQ2ubwnmNvFZcws7xiN8trC0qIkXMfYw3jFUA89W2CgHZgwz0QCm0tc46kjL5bGz_fXGOiLYfG8XArynvhIjJe8t_28fVc/s400/Pinel.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">French psychiatrist Philippe Pinel (1745-1826) releasing the mentally ill from their chains at the Salpêtrière asylum in Paris in 1795</td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
<br />
Then, this week, I accidentally discovered the undeniable power of doing one small thing... <br />
<br />
It happened when I woke up one morning to the sight of fresh laundered bed sheets hanging peacefully on a clothesline. In front of my bed. <br />
<br />
No, my husband and I did not move our mattress into the back yard to take advantage of the romance of starry skies and summer breezes. On most nights around here, that would result in being sucked dry by mosquitoes, drenched by rain, and struck by lighting - in that approximate order. <br />
<br />
Instead, the sheets were part of the <i>peacemeal</i> project of the month: the reduction of our family's carbon footprint (the total amount of greenhouse gasses our family emits - or causes to be emitted - by our life style choices). <br />
<br />
Amidst a more epic struggle to tame our use of the automobile and air conditioning (which tales of woe and wussiness I'll save for another week), I also decided to banish the clothes dryer from our merry kingdom. <br />
<br />
Net-hopping from <a href="http://michaelbluejay.com/electricity/">Michael Bluejay's Electricity Saving Guide</a> to a great blog on <a href="http://www.instructables.com/id/Lazy-Line-Dry/">lazy clothes-line drying</a> to an advocacy site that promotes the <a href="http://www.laundrylist.org/">airing of (clean) laundry</a>, I ended up at PayPal approving the purchase of a large indoor-outdoor stand-alone clothesline, aptly named <a href="http://store.laundrylist.org/SearchResults.asp?Search=mrs.+pegg%27s">Mrs. Pegg's</a>.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg7DXWY3T4OFYge3jtYFp9_htG5SMwBo8w6c3XKknC6s4Ez1-CicozWBuMFUH0UQm8UuKU5aPsa8lynTKc2-ZxObDx0xcqNDnlMcd5UbnUB71-aRZyj99Ww9nQy68sR-iKfkzovADBUupg/s1600/peggs.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg7DXWY3T4OFYge3jtYFp9_htG5SMwBo8w6c3XKknC6s4Ez1-CicozWBuMFUH0UQm8UuKU5aPsa8lynTKc2-ZxObDx0xcqNDnlMcd5UbnUB71-aRZyj99Ww9nQy68sR-iKfkzovADBUupg/s200/peggs.jpg" width="180" /></a></div><br />
<br />
From there, things got a bit more complicated.<br />
<br />
The clothesline was successfully set up on our deck and the current <i>load du jour</i> was happily (and lazily) hung while I waited eagerly to enjoy the smell of sunshine and self-congratulatory carbon en-lightenment.<br />
<br />
Three days later the sheets were still as wet as the day they came out of my washer.<br />
<br />
I knew that, theoretically, all over the earth, people were hanging their clothes on various cords, ropes, hooks, branches, and wires and picking them up some reasonable span of time later, in a non-damp state. Alas, not in my corner of the known world.<br />
<br />
It turned out that (just below my full awareness during all these years of air-conditioned oblivion) our days were filled with syrupy, limp-inducing humidity (darn, I better take these sheets inside) occasionally broken by short "teasing" bouts of sunshine (yeah! hang those sheets up quick!) followed by sudden and unexpected periods of drenching rain (oh bother - here we go again).<br />
<br />
In case you are wondering, like I did, whether leaving the sheets out overnight would solve the issue, I can attest to the fact that our nights are prone to frequent, hysteria-inducing thunderstorms (the hysteria had been the exclusive realm of our 8 and 3 yr old up until the moment I saw my dripping bedsheets illuminated by repeated flashes of lightning). Finally, to add insult to weather-induced injury, our early mornings produce this annoying (though attractive) thing called dew. All good stuff for growing mushrooms and mosquito larvae but not so much in terms of outdoor clothes drying.<br />
<br />
It seemed that Kermit the Frog was right - <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hpiIWMWWVco">it wasn't easy being green</a>!<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhxVU8NPV2h51X41X7X4THOCh6nlbAYbcP_iOVem_R0SRezRDPWLImt1Bjz_1QrA0iQIfOsTlhWWKtXsDEcSzeVEjg2wzS9kpP7Jdmgbf265DD89jhUmIr9fONLfunJ7eI7kT0aIGNKTFA/s1600/kermit.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="156" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhxVU8NPV2h51X41X7X4THOCh6nlbAYbcP_iOVem_R0SRezRDPWLImt1Bjz_1QrA0iQIfOsTlhWWKtXsDEcSzeVEjg2wzS9kpP7Jdmgbf265DD89jhUmIr9fONLfunJ7eI7kT0aIGNKTFA/s200/kermit.jpg" width="200" /></a></div><br />
<br />
Was it time to throw in my (wet, moldy) towel and limp back to my dryer with my tail between my legs? Or was there something else I could try - something that would help me toe the (clothes) line a bit longer?<br />
<br />
<b>That's when I asked my husband how he would feel about having the clothes-line inside our bedroom.</b> <br />
<br />
I'll admit he wasn't all that thrilled at first blush.<br />
<br />
I wasn't so sure about it myself. After all, I am the one who is always going on about my need for beauty and order. Having spent as much energy and thought as I have in coordinating, de-cluttering, and feng-shuining our inner chamber, would I really be ok with a clothesline full of socks and gym shorts in the middle of it all?<br />
<br />
There was only one way to find out. <br />
<br />
The morning after the big decision, I woke up to see rows of freshly laundered bed sheets drying side by side in front of my bed.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjv4swUG5eJBEIMqgp_JWNyqiKH8g1YX1P6LToPrdSG8KMgHHgsxOaxiQ5p-nUx7DiOLo68UsjlS7LjpvJDCHWAorJbdUOGHEMoCjERCuyjnwZwtlyn7D8PMY3qwV-oyiHN63bYmPvS61s/s1600/clothesline.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjv4swUG5eJBEIMqgp_JWNyqiKH8g1YX1P6LToPrdSG8KMgHHgsxOaxiQ5p-nUx7DiOLo68UsjlS7LjpvJDCHWAorJbdUOGHEMoCjERCuyjnwZwtlyn7D8PMY3qwV-oyiHN63bYmPvS61s/s400/clothesline.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Photo by author (in author's bedroom)</td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
And I felt my face ... erupting in a big smile.<br />
<br />
My heart was expanding in song. This was beauty! This was order! This was feng shui at its finest! <br />
<br />
Since then, that feeling of joy has continued to pop up every time I am greeted by the sight of clothes swaying softly in the breeze made by our ceiling fan. And it's not because I believe that hanging my panties and bras in front of my bed is one of those "great things" that will help save the world (how they may affect the ecology of my marriage is another question).<br />
<br />
<b>I believe that I am simply experiencing the power of having made a modest but unyielding step towards </b><b>living closer to my personal values.</b><br />
<br />
<b>Who knew so much happiness could be derived from a small act done with great integrity?</b><br />
<br />
Well, besides Mother Theresa, that is.<br />
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<div style="color: purple;"><b><span style="font-size: small;">Enjoyed this post? Share the knowledge by using the icons below.</span></b></div><b><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: purple;">I also welcome your feedback, reactions and questions in the Comments section.</span></span></b> <br />
<b><br />
</b>Elaine Shpunginhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13563386804379263440noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7160706912275051164.post-47828684311095046002010-07-12T13:48:00.000-07:002012-01-05T10:35:23.244-08:00Future Perfect Tension: Unhitching from the Past in Order to Enjoy the Future<blockquote><h3><i><span style="font-size: small;">"So, first of all, let me assert my firm belief that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself—nameless, unreasoning, unjustified terror which paralyzes needed efforts to convert retreat into advance."</span></i></h3></blockquote><h3 style="font-weight: normal; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: small;"><b>- <a class="ext" href="http://historymatters.gmu.edu/d/5057/" target="_blank">Franklin D. Roosevelt's first inaguaral address</a><span class="ext"></span> (1932)</b></span></h3><h3 style="font-weight: normal; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: small;"><b> </b></span></h3>Last month, for our annual visit to see my folks in NY/NJ, we decided to save a thousand bucks by driving (rather than flying) from Illinois with our two kids, aged 8 and 3.<br />
<br />
<span style="color: black;">Maybe for some families this type of (sixteen hour) road trip is kind of fun and even brings them <i>closer together</i>. </span><b><span style="color: #990000;">In our case, it only brought us </span><i style="color: #990000;">closer</i><span style="color: #990000;"> to a divorce and child abandonment</span></b><span style="color: #990000;"> </span>(at the side of a road, let's say, hypothetically, a random road in some town in Pennsylvania that seemed to specialize in drug trafficking and cute brownstones).<br />
<br />
Without going into the harrowing details of the trip there, let me just say that upon arrival, the thought of having to drive back with my husband and children a week later was so dreadful, that <b style="color: #990000;">I would have been willing to empty our savings account and max out our credit cards if only there had been a service that would <i>fly our car</i> (and us) back to Illinois. </b><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEia44RtfrafHL1F7mGIcYET6JcPddzWdoWtTtFDhyphenhyphen3AD06Fp71iqkBMQEOQx3YfbwbDjxoNJz24aveBHEmifE7j-Xrtcux3X8sN7ybRWp6-DcIpgc8OBMWkl8E0EqUyu70tXv-3IDXtoHw/s1600/flyingcar.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEia44RtfrafHL1F7mGIcYET6JcPddzWdoWtTtFDhyphenhyphen3AD06Fp71iqkBMQEOQx3YfbwbDjxoNJz24aveBHEmifE7j-Xrtcux3X8sN7ybRWp6-DcIpgc8OBMWkl8E0EqUyu70tXv-3IDXtoHw/s320/flyingcar.jpg" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">photo by creativecow.net</span><span style="font-size: x-small;"> </span></div><br />
It's not that our tale was significantly worse than those recounted by veteran road-trip warriors over a cold brewsky (or a double skinny mocha hold the whip, if that's more your style). <b style="color: #990000;">It's just that having (barely) survived it one-way, the idea of having to re-live it on the way back was too much for me to bear. </b>Instead of enjoying the lively commotion of family around me, I felt myself sinking into <i><b>anticipatory despair.</b></i><br />
<br />
I am referring here to a <b style="color: #990000;">state of anxiety and angst brought on by the belief that I have <i>all the information I need</i> to predict a future I dread.</b><br />
<br />
Rather than spurring me into action, guiding me towards more intentional choices, or leading me to shift my plans in order to improve future outcomes, <b style="color: #990000;">anticipatory despair leaves me much like an insect stuck in viscous amber resin, simultaneously immobilized and caught in the past.</b><br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjTF_u4abm4CizldGWjqQKDv5UswiDhQEuZ2egcx62RNKdLesYQRDjdV2tCwjK5H6Uhyphenhyphen9U4Oaoy9EuG7x3NXcYrGfT5lbqQ9J9vNRhyx1m-HcBy9FhvM1RUbnxwhWBpjoubuNhsF66kqO0/s1600/amber.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjTF_u4abm4CizldGWjqQKDv5UswiDhQEuZ2egcx62RNKdLesYQRDjdV2tCwjK5H6Uhyphenhyphen9U4Oaoy9EuG7x3NXcYrGfT5lbqQ9J9vNRhyx1m-HcBy9FhvM1RUbnxwhWBpjoubuNhsF66kqO0/s200/amber.jpg" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">photo by Rothamstead Research</td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
<b></b>Quite often, the frightening future from which I cower turns out to be quite tame once it catches up with me.<br />
<br />
This time was no exception. The dreaded trip back (from NY to Illinois) was far better than our journey forth. Somehow, with no additional planning or preparation, we had gotten into a smooth rhythm that allowed us to travel "quickly" and without incident.<br />
<br />
All that pain (mine and my husband's!) - and for naught...<br />
<br />
<b>I take a deep breath and allow myself to mourn.</b> I mourn for all the lost hours I have spent suffering needlessly in the voluptuous caverns of my own mind. I mourn for all the life around me that I have missed while wandering those echoing chambers.<br />
<br />
Then, after I have felt the weight of my disappointment, sadness and exhaustion, and after I have given myself some much needed love in the face of my human imperfection, <b>I turn my gaze </b><b><b>forw</b>ards.</b><br />
<br />
<b style="color: #990000;">I imagine <b>catching myself the next time I begin to shrink at the prospect of something that is yet to happen</b>.</b> I imagine reminding myself that there are too many variables for me to really know how it's going to go. One tiny change, impossible for me to predict at this moment, can shift the course of events to an outcome that is completely different than I imagine.<br />
<br />
<b><span style="color: #990000;">I may seem to be standing still, but </span></b><b style="color: #990000;">life, like a great river,</b><b style="color: #990000;"> continues to flow around me</b>, making the past a less reliable predictor of the future than I seem to believe.<br />
<br />
Then, I imagine taking a deep breath and saying to myself, as those despairing thoughts crowd in on me: "Hmmm... Maybe this time will be different..."<br />
<br />
<b>But seriously. Who am I kidding? </b>Can I really stop myself from falling into the familiar trap of anticipatory despair when the grooves towards that destination are so well worn? <b></b><br />
<br />
<div style="color: #990000;"><b>AND THEN I FEEL IT.</b></div><br />
A blossoming sense of celebration. <b style="color: #990000;">A temporary grasp of that for which I long</b>. A recognition that yes, although I have done it the same way so many times before, <b><span style="color: #990000;">maybe the next time <i>will be different...</i></span></b><br />
<br />
<b>-------</b><br />
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<div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: x-small;"></span> </div>Elaine Shpunginhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13563386804379263440noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7160706912275051164.post-42448320537355459352010-07-06T19:19:00.000-07:002011-02-02T10:33:13.236-08:00Selective Silence: An experiment in connection<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgnX0gvtkV2BgbJY1jxGwVYqGXzm5LOf1Yp76Esnl5ZuevBoqpx_uq7rpH36whN3_Z-GYImnvX3I1JiaLzHa1p5LPRYIn8ljoPyOuN__M0-B4KOiPWuNFUINU4jwEGavfsZtTwjDEnglYc/s1600/silence_crossbone80.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgnX0gvtkV2BgbJY1jxGwVYqGXzm5LOf1Yp76Esnl5ZuevBoqpx_uq7rpH36whN3_Z-GYImnvX3I1JiaLzHa1p5LPRYIn8ljoPyOuN__M0-B4KOiPWuNFUINU4jwEGavfsZtTwjDEnglYc/s400/silence_crossbone80.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Photo by <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/crossbone80/">Crossbone80</a> on Flickr</td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
Every July, my hubby and I leave behind the three Cs of our daily existence (Children, Computers, and Calendars) for a two day get-away to celebrate our wedding anniversary.<br />
<br />
<b>This year, as an experiment in fun and connection, we decided to leave behind another big C: </b><b>Conversation. </b><br />
<br />
At first glance this might seem odd. After all, here is a chance to finally talk heart to heart, unhurriedly, without frequent interruptions (by you know who) or pressure to "decide what you want already!"<br />
<br />
Yet, I had been having the growing suspicion lately that the sheer number of words between us were actually blocking our communication and connection instead of enhancing it.<br />
<br />
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiEWQw_dhiAL9MZ_uIXkLtMZk-vO7qCgldFED0j6-7RXbjE1xEe_wRaOxJlI4D7cC-_BpGJYquAmVyXYmWDduflcUqCSUbsJcabCFBuLPmbTL4wtC44vgjuKonMXZaZKJgZ9csyfXwn0t8/s1600/words_nicasaursrex.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="150" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiEWQw_dhiAL9MZ_uIXkLtMZk-vO7qCgldFED0j6-7RXbjE1xEe_wRaOxJlI4D7cC-_BpGJYquAmVyXYmWDduflcUqCSUbsJcabCFBuLPmbTL4wtC44vgjuKonMXZaZKJgZ9csyfXwn0t8/s200/words_nicasaursrex.jpg" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Photo by <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/nicasaurusrex/">Nicasaurusrex</a> on Flickr</td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div>Then, a few days before our trip, we were sitting together on a park bench in a rare contented silence, watching our daughter splash in a sprinkler. In the space created by our quietness, I became aware of feeling more alive and more peaceful at the same time. I could sense the slightly misty breeze on my arms, hear the squeals of children colliding with icy sprays of water, and feel the resting weight of my husband's hand on mine. <br />
<br />
As though sensing the same thing, my husband sighed languidly and said, "What we need is more touching - and less talking." <br />
<br />
Despite the playfulness in his voice, I sensed the "truth" in what he said.<br />
<br />
And so, before we left for our two day cabin retreat, I brought up the possibility of spending our time together in selective silence.<br />
<br />
"Hmmm..." my husband said, sounding skeptical, "how would that work?"<br />
<br />
I wasn't sure but figured it would be fun to find out.<br />
<br />
We agreed that we would try communicating non-verbally when something was important enough to be shared (pointing, nudging) and speak out loud only when it was really needed. We also agreed we would keep it within our little unit. That means we would NOT be miming our orders to restaurant waitstaff or trying to charade "broken porch light" to the cabin owner.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div style="color: #990000;"><b>So, how was it and would I ever do it again?</b></div><br />
We wound up practicing the selective silence for about a day and a night, and to be quite honest, we both found it quite enjoyable.<br />
<br />
For me, it definitely contributed to feeling both more serene and more connected.<br />
<br />
It was as though my feelings and thoughts were sediment from the bottom of a pond that I kept raking up into a cloudy, swirling mass by speaking them out loud. When I did not voice every thought and feeling that passed across my mind, after a while, the swirling sediment seemed to settle to the bottom, leaving my mind more clear and still.<br />
<br />
Suddenly, I could see the exact hazel green of my husband's eyes, lit up by a stretch of barely moving river bend behind him. I could taste and re-taste the perfect tingling contrast of sweet and tangy in my chilled mixed drink. And I could share how much I enjoyed these things (with a crooked smile or a slurpy "mmmm") without the interruption of dozens of words passing between us.<br />
<br />
After a while, it seemed like everything started to slow down to match the pace of the restful quiet that we were weaving around us. With the added spaciousness of companionable silence, there was more time and room to notice, to note, to notate.<br />
<br />
And as my husband had forecasted on the park bench, there was more cause to touch -- to nudge him as my gaze followed a flock of birds across a slice of blue sky, to lean on him as we rested in the welcome hum of the air conditioning after a sweaty six mile hike, or to brush my hand against his as we walked down to the corner (organic) grocery.<br />
<br />
I seem to have a memory of us, just this way, as a young couple first falling in love: savoring the quiet between us, enjoying the opportunity to communicate by touch, smile, physical contact. I sense that, over our many years of living and learning together, we have come to over-rely on the power of words to form the bridges of connection between us.<br />
<br />
Perhaps selective silence is not for every day. Yet, having discovered it, I want to continue looking for opportunities to practice it again.<br />
<br />
<b>Maybe we could try a silent date night the next time we get a babysitter? </b>No movies or live music. Just a simple meal in our favorite eatery: a slice of silent connection to recharge us for the fast paced and wordy week ahead.<br />
<br />
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<div style="color: #990000;"><b>Enjoyed this post? Please share it using the icons below.</b></div><b><span style="color: #990000;">Tempted to try it out? I'd love to hear how it went!</span></b><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div>Elaine Shpunginhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13563386804379263440noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7160706912275051164.post-26361156190455304382010-05-12T22:02:00.000-07:002012-01-05T10:36:40.205-08:00Your Children Are Not Your Children: How to Separate Your Dreams from Theirs<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjl7FSgflaQdO8BWFjD2mglAhhmSwpQflkJ-5T00_8F4RtzmcheW4mQzPNFqopehSacr4IOfrDfxPUQRtmAWMTfSJMBD9NazyyvvmI0m1iQJgDVggmhiNgetJjUOXXdZ24Ku6fh-srBRE8/s1600/arrows_hans+s.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjl7FSgflaQdO8BWFjD2mglAhhmSwpQflkJ-5T00_8F4RtzmcheW4mQzPNFqopehSacr4IOfrDfxPUQRtmAWMTfSJMBD9NazyyvvmI0m1iQJgDVggmhiNgetJjUOXXdZ24Ku6fh-srBRE8/s320/arrows_hans+s.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/archeon/1397287275/">Photo by hans s on Flickr</a></td></tr>
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Last night I had an anxiety dream about an upcoming performance.<br />
<br />
My <i>7 yr old's</i> upcoming performance in a Dr. Seuss musical.<br />
<br />
As you may expect, the dream involved a stage.<br />
As you may not necessarily expect, it also featured an underground cell, a naked light bulb, and some Nazi officers -- for whom we had to <i>perform in order to save our lives</i>.<br />
And yes, I did say "we."<br />
<br />
I am not proud to admit it, but my unconscious had the nerve to put me up there, center stage, among 20 singing kids, sweating and worrying about mundane things like knowing my lines and remembering my dance moves.<br />
<br />
<b>REALLY! </b><b>As though I would ever dream of MERGING myself with my child in that manner, like one big undifferentiated Freudian mass.</b><br />
<br />
Well, OK, I did dream of it. But I couldn't HELP it! <br />
<br />
I mean here is a part of my parenting I've always felt positive about. I've never been tempted to live vicariously through my kids or to place my unfulfilled hopes and desires on their shoulders. <br />
<br />
In my darker moments, I've even been known to scoff (privately) at those "over-involved" parents who loom at the periphery of every soccer game in a state of near apoplexy, alternating between shouted encouragements and admonitions, as though their next paycheck depended on their kid's ability to do a perfect banana kick.<br />
<br />
What in the world is going on with me, then? Where is my Maria Montessori alter ego when I need her?<br />
<br />
Apparently, her voice has been drowned out by the trumpeting noise of some unfulfilled hopes and desires which I have not acknowledged to myself.<br />
<br />
<b>According to my understanding of NVC, our actions and reactions are an attempt to meet our deep seated needs for things like creativity, contribution, connection, peace, love,</b> <b>and - good sushi.</b> When we deny our needs - whether small hidden desires or larger than life longings - they have a way of expressing themselves in other arenas, when we least expect it.<br />
<br />
Like bright rubber balls that you try to push beneath the surface of the water, needs are unsupressable and will pop back up in a different spot, probably hitting someone on the back of the head while they're at it.<br />
<br />
My Nazi performance dream, then, is not a call to better self control and self-flagellation (as tempting as that ancient practice sounds), but a call to examine the crevices of my heart for neglected and unrecognized needs.<br />
<br />
<b>And by Needs - I do not mean Strategies (like "joining local theater group") but underlying desires and hopes, </b>such as "more outlets for my self-expression" or "more playfulness and fun in my life". Once I have clarity about the underlying needs, I am more likely to access creative strategies that work for me and the family (hmmmm... how about buying some fancy colored pencils and grainy paper to play with? or going to a craft store and seeing what pops out at me?)<br />
<br />
<b>My longings are important signposts for me to follow.</b><br />
<br />
My belief is that, when I do, I move closer to the parent I want to be, the parent described by Kahlil Gibran in this poem from "The Prophet":<br />
<br />
<blockquote style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><i><span class="head1">On Children</span> </i></b></blockquote><blockquote style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Your children are not your children.</b><br />
<b>They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself. </b></blockquote><blockquote style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>They come through you but not from you,</b><br />
<b>And though they are with you yet they belong not to you. </b></blockquote><blockquote style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>You may give them your love but not your thoughts, </b><br />
<b>For they have their own thoughts. </b></blockquote><blockquote style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>You may house their bodies but not their souls,</b><br />
<b>For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, </b><br />
<b>which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams. </b></blockquote><blockquote style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>You may strive to be like them, </b><br />
<b>but seek not to make them like you. </b></blockquote><blockquote style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.</b></blockquote><blockquote style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>You are the bows from which your children</b><br />
<b>as living arrows are sent forth. </b></blockquote><blockquote style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, </b><br />
<b>and He bends you with His might </b><br />
<b>that His arrows may go swift and far. </b></blockquote><blockquote style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;</b><br />
<b>For even as He loves the arrow that flies, </b><br />
<b>so He loves also the bow that is stable.</b></blockquote><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div>Elaine Shpunginhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13563386804379263440noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7160706912275051164.post-26176825100950216712010-05-10T22:04:00.000-07:002012-01-05T10:36:03.320-08:00When Water Meets Rock: Approaching Challenging Behavior with More Ease<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjvC4ApoHkK7twaFtc4khf9EP1kAMD2iv_45-Ama1e3HVBe9CiHTosczuvNyA-FiOgoSKdVf1CGOwByeoYPOM5mGXX7GQ02matz8QzFNpxsUmu3gX9v8-cR_KuhVx7M89F7v56UgMPghbE/s1600/riverbaby_brian+tomlinson.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjvC4ApoHkK7twaFtc4khf9EP1kAMD2iv_45-Ama1e3HVBe9CiHTosczuvNyA-FiOgoSKdVf1CGOwByeoYPOM5mGXX7GQ02matz8QzFNpxsUmu3gX9v8-cR_KuhVx7M89F7v56UgMPghbE/s320/riverbaby_brian+tomlinson.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/brian_tomlinson/3473261308/">Photo by Brian Tomlinson on Flickr</a></td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
<br />
Today, our 8 year old son called for a family meeting. He wanted to discuss the issue of equity in our response to quarrels between him and his 3 yr old sister.<br />
<br />
"The main problem," he began, "is that you've been letting her get away with too much lately. Like when we both do something but only I have to separate. Every time. And she never does."<br />
<br />
<b>Separation is a technique which we've agreed to use with our son's input.</b> When things get heated between him and another family member, he voluntarily (well, after several very stern reminders) goes (well, drags himself while moaning loudly) to a room designated for that purpose, in which he gets to do something calming that he enjoys (lately, this involves browsing for toy police paraphernalia in a Playmobil catalog). <i>No, the irony does not escape me.</i><br />
<br />
The point is that he understands that separation plays an important role in helping our family re-gain connection when we begin to fall apart.<br />
<br />
<b>"It's not the separation I mind," he clarified after we went over this again, "it's just the unfairness. I always get separated, no matter what, and she never does. So she gets away with stuff and I don't."</b><br />
<br />
"I really like the way you are staying calm and explaining all this to us. And I do support your desire to be equitable." That's my husband, leading with an appreciation and a reflection of what is important to Aaron (<i>our experience supports the NVC teaching that people can hear others better once they've been heard a bit</i>). <br />
<br />
"My concern," he continues, "is that your sister is too young to understand separation the way we do it."<br />
<br />
"Why!? Just put her in like a crib or lock her in a room so she can't get out." <br />
<br />
Raised eyebrows from dad.<br />
<br />
"Ok. Ok. How about time out? Can you give her 3 minutes of time out? <b>I think you are not being tough enough with her and that is why she is the way she is lately!"</b><br />
<br />
Raised eyebrows from me now. <b><br />
</b><br />
<br />
<b>Of course, the temptation to "crack down" on behavior we do not like </b><b>is built into our culture's fabric.</b><br />
<br />
If only we can make it "not worth their while" to do it any more, we think, we can probably have some relief soon. <b>In this way, we wind up focusing on how to best <i>react to the behavior</i>, rather than step back and reflect on how to best r<i>espond to the person within the child</i>. </b><br />
<br />
And when we are caught in a pattern of reaction, the only way to go is up: to shout louder, stomp down harder, get tougher.<br />
<br />
<b>Yet, with Non Violent Communication (NVC), I have found that the answer is often the opposite. </b><br />
<br />
"I admit your sister has been going through a bit of a phase," I say, "NVC reminds us that her outbursts are still a communication of a 'beautiful need' underneath, like wanting more love or more inclusion or more consideration of her wishes. I think the answer is to focus on being kind and patient with her before she escalates into yelling, hitting and demanding." <br />
<br />
"Mom," our eldest said, sounding truly annoyed now. "I tried that patience thing for a week with her, but she kept being mean and all my patience got used up. And now I don't have hardly any left for her at all."<br />
<br />
"I'm guessing your patience ran out because you were trying to use willpower to be patient. You were trying to be strong and your patience muscles got tired. <b>But NVC is about softening, about opening our heart to the other. About seeing their pain or sadness and feeling more patient because of it. </b><b>It's like being a river that flows around the other person, not like a rock that stands strong in front of them.</b> Do you understand?"<br />
<br />
"Yeah. You are saying that it works better when I have compassion and use my heart."<br />
<br />
<b>"Yes! Heart instead of Willpower. Water instead of Rock. </b>Not just with your sister. All of us with each other."<b><br />
</b><br />
<br />
And with that reminder before us, we agreed that we could improve the sense of balance and inclusion in the family by considering separation as a tool for anyone who seemed to need it. <br />
<br />
Finally, an excuse to "separate" myself upstairs with a good book. How is that for equality?Elaine Shpunginhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13563386804379263440noreply@blogger.com2