In and Out of My Mind

Follow the Crowd

2010-09-07T20:43:00.000-04:00

I’m a pretty easy going person by nature. Live and let live and all that, but the most recent post at StraightDopeDad.com got me thinking. I wish more people would stop and consider why we follow certain social traditions. I know it’s early September, but I don’t think it’s too soon for me to go on about the holidays. Especially since the market where I shop put Halloween candy on the shelves two weeks ago.

If I could pick any one holiday and vote it off the island, Halloween would be it.

I get it that it’s fun for kids to dress up and go door to door collecting candy. I did it as a kid and my kids did it too. I’ll never forget the year it was pouring rain and my neighbor and I thought we were off the hook as far as taking the kids trick-or-treating. I decided to reason with the little ones. Good luck with that, Mom.

“Well guys, it’s raining. Your costumes will get all wet. Nobody will be out there tonight. The kids will all just eat the candy their parents bought to hand out.”

And then the doorbell started ringing.

Those were my single parent years – I couldn’t just delegate the task to my husband as I did shamelessly once he said “I do.” So I learned not to pray for rain on Halloween night and we all went along with the whole thing year after year – some of us more gleefully than others.

There were a couple of years when the kids had outgrown trick-or-treating, so we all just got in the car and went out to dinner that night. Then we’d browse at our local book store or maybe the mall and we’d all keep looking at the time, wondering if it was safe to go home yet. That wasn’t as enjoyable as I thought it would be.

So these days, we’re back to going along with the whole thing (just my husband and I,) although I do think it’s a bit odd when adults, some in costume and some not, show up at my door as proxy for their sick child. Or just dress up and trick-or-treat for themselves.

And I certainly don’t begrudge anyone a candy bar who drives their child to my neighborhood from the rural end of town because there are lots of houses close together and we have sidewalks. But couldn’t these visitors just park somewhere and walk the neighborhood like the residents do? No. They drive from house to house with their kids dashing in and out of the car. The traffic is horrendous. This goes on until we’ve seen 150+ trick-or-treaters and when it gets late and the goblins are taller than I am and probably have a part-time job and could buy their own candy at 50% off the next day, I’m all done.

Is there anyone else out there who'd like to see this one weeded out?

Cielle

Forgotten Homework on the Kitchen Table. Should you deliver it?

2010-09-01T19:37:00.002-04:00

The first time this happens, you could deliver the homework to your child at school. I’m sure she’d appreciate it, especially if you get it there early – like before she has to admit to her teacher that she doesn’t have it. Just make sure you follow up with a plan at home to minimize the chance of this happening again. And, make it clear that you cannot be counted on to deliver if this happens again.

The Plan:

• Your child does homework independently in a relatively quiet (not necessarily silent) place.

• You should offer a nudge in the right direction if the homework is giving your child a bit of trouble, however her teacher will want to know if it was too difficult.

• When the homework is complete, eyeball it for neatness or check to see that it has been done correctly, AND THEN…

• Put the homework in your child’s hand and watch her put it into her folder or backpack or where ever it needs to be so there is little chance that she will leave for school without it.

This last step is where the process seems to break down the most often. Children give their homework to a parent to look it over, and then walk away. Keep her engaged in the organizational process. While you’re looking over the homework, your child could do a couple of things.

• She can locate whatever else needs to go to school the next day, such as a library book, permission slip or sneakers for P.E. Into the backpack they go.

• Depending on her age, she could make her lunch or pack her snack.

• Homework’s all set? In it goes, and your child feels capable and in charge of her own stuff. In other words, responsible.

If forgotten homework becomes a frequent problem, keep reinforcing “The Plan” and do not deliver. If your child doesn't suffer the consequences of forgetting her homework, she will not believe that it is her problem to fix.

If “The Plan” is being used successfully and forgetting is extremely rare, deliver if you must but that doesn’t change the fact that the homework was forgotten. It happens to the best of us sometimes. If your child knows what went wrong, she can avoid a repeat. Rule of thumb: Hands off Mom and Dad. She’s in charge.

Cielle

Raising a Responsible Teen

2010-08-25T17:26:00.001-04:00

While browsing through recent posts at http://www.thebeanblog.com/ recently, I stumbled upon a post from 7/24/10 entitled “Taking Responsibility.” It is about the author’s 15 year old son who recognized a missed opportunity to do the right thing and admitted as much, even after being absolved of guilt. Take a minute and read about what happened, then come back.

In order for a 15 year old to dig down deep and assume responsibility for his actions (or in this case, his inactions) I believe it is a safe to assume that his parents laid the groundwork for that to happen. The school setting is ripe with situations that enable children to learn to take responsibility for their actions. Parents, please don’t let these learning opportunities pass your child by.

Before a child can feel responsible for his actions, he needs to know that he and he alone controls those actions. As a parent, your teachable moment has arrived when you hear your child say, “Joey got me in trouble.” Or “It wasn’t my fault. He made me do it.” This commonly occurs when a young student has been spoken to by the teacher for talking when he should have been listening. For a child who was actually talking, the cause and effect is clear, but what if your child never said a word yet still receives a reprimand? Before you call the school to proclaim your child’s innocence, consider whether he may have engaged in passive misbehavior.

While a classmate is talking, if your child is making eye contact, smiling or nodding, then he is providing an audience for the speaker. He is participating in a conversation, and you can help him to realize how he was responsible for encouraging the speaker to continue. When you explain it this way, this is pretty easy for a child to understand, yet it can be a difficult behavior for your child to change. Here’s why:

“Look at me when I’m talking to you.”

For years you’ve been teaching your little one that when someone speaks to him, it is polite to make eye contact to show that he is listening. Nodding, smiling and an occasional “mm-hmm” are also signs of a good listener. It is extremely rude to turn your back on someone who is talking to you, however in a classroom when the teacher is teaching a lesson, reading aloud, or giving directions, a child should turn away from a friend who wants to chat. Teach your child to give a quick, silent signal (lock eyes with the speaker, shake his head no, finger to his lips) before turning away, and remind him that this doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to be friends with his chatty classmate anymore. It just means, not now.

“Make good choices.”

Certainly, a few whispers and giggles during kindergarten circle time are not the worst thing in the world. But don’t lose sight of the larger issue. You don’t want your child to just go along when a friend is doing the wrong thing, and then blame that friend when they both get in trouble. Instead, you want him to recognize when a friend is making a poor choice and turn away. It may be painful for you and for your child to let this unfold, but let him accept the consequences of his actions now, when the stakes are low.

The adults can fix this, but…

If this happens more than a few times and your child arrives home upset over having received a time out at school, you may be inclined to ask the teacher to separate your child from this chatty friend. This is no favor to your child. If you step in to fix this problem, you will deny your child the opportunity to learn that he has choices and it will benefit him to make the right one.

Take the long view.

Please allow your child to learn this lesson and learn it well, even if it hurts a little. Right now he needs to say no to chatting during circle time. Before long he’ll need to disentangle himself from a friend who asks for an answer on a math test, offers him drugs, or thinks it will be fun to throw water bottles out a dorm window.

Cielle

Next post...
Raising a Responsible Teen, Part 2
Forgotten homework on the kitchen table. Should you deliver it?

First Day Jitters, Part 2

2010-08-21T14:03:00.000-04:00

Oops! I left out the most important part from my previous post on this topic. Sometimes, despite your best efforts, the prospect of heading off to school each morning will reduce your child to tears. When this happens, resist the urge to negotiate, scold, or join in with the crying. Unfortunately, all I can tell you about this is what not to do. Regarding what you should do, I can only suggest that you remain calm, reassuring and consistent, no matter what.

You would think I could give better advice since I have personal experience with this from both ends. True confession: I was a notorious crier as a child and I dealt with this issue as a parent as well. What I learned is this: It is not your child who will be scarred for life over the fact that you sent her to school in tears on more than one occasion. She will get over it more easily than you can imagine. If anyone will remember these events in all their painful detail for the rest of her life, it will be you.

Be strong.

Cielle

Ten Ways to Ease The First Day of School Jitters

2010-08-18T14:24:00.000-04:00

You’ve got to love those enviable children who can walk into a classroom full of strangers and emerge with a dozen new best friends. If your child doesn’t come by this ability naturally, it may take a bit of orchestration to go from first day jitters to eagerly anticipated adventure. The start of a new school year is fast approaching, so here, in no particular order, are 10 ideas that I hope will smooth the way.
1. Be a good listener. Acknowledge and validate your child’s feelings, don’t brush them off. Share a story about a time when you had the jitters. Let him know that jitters and excitement often go hand in hand.

2. Organize a small ice cream party for young friends or neighbors who will attend school with your child. Remember to personally invite that parent & child who just moved in over the summer.

3. Arrange to meet on the morning of the first day at the bus stop or in the schoolyard. If you can, offer to transport a child or two whose parents’ work schedules don’t allow them to be there as long as they’d like that morning.

4. Visit the school’s playground a couple of times before the first day. Take a walk around the grounds. If your child is truly a newbie to the school experience, tell her what a fire drill is and how everyone in the building will line up outside and be counted. On a lighter note, try out the swings and the jungle gym.

5. While you’re visiting the grounds, you might notice a few cars in the parking lot. Most likely, the teachers and the principal are inside preparing for the children’s arrival. Go to the front office and introduce yourself and your child, and ask for a quick tour of the building.

6. If good timing is on your side, your child’s teacher will be there and the principal will introduce you. (Your visit inside shouldn’t take more than 10 minutes. This is a very busy time for the principal and faculty.)

7. Say thank you for the tour/introduction with a small goodie bag containing a couple of pencils, glue sticks, bookmarks or stickers to add to the teacher’s classroom supplies. Perhaps your child would like to enclose a note to the teacher. Something like It was fun to meet you and see my new classroom. It doesn’t have to be beautifully neat or perfectly spelled. Teachers love the real thing from a child. This should be just a very small token. The teacher will be pleasantly surprised and giving it will make your child feel special.

8. Some primary grade teachers send their students a “Welcome” postcard the week before school begins. I can assure you that your child’s teacher will be tickled to receive a postcard from a student. Just a few words will do – Hope you had a nice summer. See you soon! If you don’t know which teacher your child will have, address it to Suzy Smith’s Teacher and mail it to the school a couple of days before classes start. It will end up in the right hands, I promise.

9. Pack something special for your child’s snack or lunch on the first day, and tuck a little love note in with it. Children light up when they find an unexpected note from home part way through their day.

10. Most importantly, if you have any anxiety about your child’s upcoming first day, keep it to yourself. Your job in this situation is to be a gentle model of strength and confidence.
Please make the time for numbers 1 and 10. From all the other ideas, pick and choose.
Have a great school year!

Cielle

Back to School Shopping

2010-08-11T15:54:00.002-04:00

“Back to School” as a spending season is second only to Christmas and its success (for retailers) is largely about tapping into kids’ emotional needs. Advancing to the next grade, particularly in elementary school, makes kids feel another year older, almost like their birthday does, and they want to move forward in style. During those BTS shopping trips, here is your child’s train of thought:

• I want the coolest looking stuff Mom or Dad’s money can buy.

• I want at least as much stuff as everyone else, preferably more.

• Having lots of great stuff will make me feel good about myself and about school in general.

• Other kids will judge me based on my stuff.

Parents want to send their children off to school with a smile on their face so, within reason, we will do what it takes. This makes it easy to say yes to the television-character pencils over the plain yellow ones, or the $10 battery operated pencil sharpener that fits in their desk rather than the little cheap ones with the razor blade-like mechanism. Throw in glittery glue, a multi-function calculator, fancy scissors that leave an edge suitable for scrap-booking, and a filing system in the form of a name brand, over sized, 3-ring notebook/pocket folder/loose leaf paper holder, then head for the cash register and prepare for sticker shock. And you haven’t even started on the clothing and footwear yet.
HOLD EVERYTHING! It’s time to teach your child as only you can. You should prep for this lesson by reading But Will it Make You Happy? by Stephanie Rosenbloom. Here’s your plan:

• Print it and highlight the best parts such as the phrases “work-spend treadmill” and “conspicuous consumption.”

• Give extra attention to the part about research telling us that spending $ on experiences brings more happiness than spending on things.

• Connect these ideas to your own life and encourage your child to do the same.

• Talk about how this fits into living a more green life.

• Remember, even the youngest child can understand the basic ideas in this article.
Ideally, this is an interesting, timely, intelligent conversation you’ll have with your child; not a locking of horns over what she wants versus what you’re willing to pay for. Remember, this is not about deprivation due to lack of money. It’s about not being manipulated by the commercial giants into making them rich at the expense of your family’s happiness and well-being. Now, in order to demonstrate what a positive experience this can be, identify some spending of your own where you really could make some changes. For instance,

• You could make coffee at home rather than buy it at the drive-thru.

• You could purchase a new lipstick or mascara at the drug store rather than the department store.

• You could pack your lunch for work every day rather than eating out.

Now, get out the calculator and figure out how much money you will save by making a couple of changes and what fun experience could be had instead. After you’ve established your own belief in the benefits of adjusting your spending, invite your child to join you.

• Independently or with your help, your child should make a list of BTS wants and needs.

• In-store or at home, using flyers or the Internet, check prices and do the math. What would be saved by purchasing bargain priced items rather than high end? What wants could be skipped all together? How much money will be saved by being a modest shopper?

• What will be done with this money saved? The younger your child, the more you’ll want to consider enjoying it right away. With older children, you may decide together to put it in the bank and keep adding to it in this way, delaying gratification for a larger reward.

Oh, and about those school supplies, here’s all you really need.

• A very ample supply of pencils and little erasers that fit over the end – but don’t bring them all to school at once. Dispense them from home, as needed.

• An inexpensive plastic pencil box or zipper pouch.

• A box of 16 crayons, at most. These will eventually reside in the plastic pencil box since the box they come in will fall apart.

• A couple of those small, cheap pencil sharpeners I mentioned earlier. Do spring for the kind that catches the shavings and can be emptied at a convenient time.

• A notebook in which to record homework assignments.

• A reusable something to carry lunch and snacks, because it’s expensive and much less healthy to buy the school lunch every day.

• A couple of pocket folders for transporting homework, notices, corrected papers, etc. back and forth in a neat and organized fashion. (Plain ones can be found for 10-15 cents each.)

• A backpack. Spend a little more money on this and get something sturdy since it will not be treated gently. It’s not a bargain if it doesn’t last the school year, or maybe two.

Beyond these basics, hold off for now. Those BTS sales will continue into early September so wait and see what else is really needed after the first few days of school.

I’d love to hear about the fun you’re having with the money you save.

Cielle

Summer travel, or is there a better way?

2010-08-03T16:07:00.001-04:00

Summer vacation is coming to an end, and so is the season of family travel...or is it? Summer is a great time to rent a beach house, take a road trip, or fly the family to someplace exotic. The generally agreeable weather and the kids not having to miss school are the one-two punch that have made this time of year peak travel season. Unfortunately, peak season equals higher prices.

Rent that beach house in September and you may enjoy a lower cost along with a quieter, less crowded stretch of sand. And if your life won't be complete unless you take the kids to Disney World, consider yourself warned. I found Orlando in July to be oppressively hot. I realized very quickly that immersing myself in refreshingly cool water at the beach, water park, or hotel pool was not an available option at that time of year. If I had taken the kids out of school, we could have walked for miles through the expansive Disney parks in the cool comfort of October. How much more enjoyable it might have been to avoid standing in long lines in the blazing hot sun by traveling when school was in session. In my family, that never happened because when my children were young, I was a school employee. It wasn't a matter of taking them out of classes for a week. That vacation time was not available to me. So as I waved good-bye, I envied those who had that flexibility and chose to use it...to a point.

Finances and weather are only a couple of reasons I've noticed why parents choose to grant their children a vacation from school. There are many other reasons. Are they valid or frivolous? And who's to say? Parents? Teachers? School administrators? And is it really a treat for the children if, when they return, they are met with heaps of make-up work and a raised eyebrow due to the choice that was made for them? So my question is: When, if ever, is it a good idea for a child to miss school for the purpose of a family vacation?

Summer homework...Are you kidding me???

2010-07-28T18:35:00.000-04:00

Tell me the truth, are you out of your mind because here it is late July and your kids still have not completed (or in some cases even begun) their summer homework? When my kids were younger, required summer assignments drove me out of my mind, and not because I didn’t want the learning to continue. I just believed in the value of down time (for them and for me) and I didn’t think that the best way to keep my children engaged was with a stream of paper-and-pencil one-size-fits-all tasks. Shouldn’t summer vacation be a time when kids can explore their own interests? Shouldn’t we as parents have this time to expose our children to something meaningful but not necessarily academic? And if the school department is going to hijack kids’ summer, hadn’t they better come up with something good?

Don’t misunderstand me. I believe homework that reinforces and supports classroom instruction is important and valuable to the learning process. It also serves as a means by which parents are kept informed about what children are learning in school. I spent countless evenings supporting, cajoling and yes, sometimes even bribing my children throughout elementary school in order to ensure that homework was done. And every summer during their elementary school years, my children received a suggested reading list of age-appropriate titles to guide them in selecting and enjoying good books. I have always loved to read and I loved to see my children read, so I had no problem with a suggested list. Then the summer before middle school, it happened. Students were (and still are) required by their future middle school teachers to write two book reports. More recently, several pages of math problems have been handed out during their last week of elementary school which must be turned in when the next school year begins. I realize that it is a parent’s job to push their children in the right direction no matter how hard they resist, but as I turned myself inside out trying to inject enthusiasm into summer homework sessions, I remember secretly thinking, Can I get a break here please? (Those of you whose children are averse to completing written work know what I’m talking about. Back me up here if you can.)

Another reason why summer homework made me crazy was that I was never certain that it had value for all children. I understand that what teachers refer to as summer slide is a real concern, particularly for young children whose basic reading and writing skills are still developing. After so many weeks of summer with no academic stimulation, some children return to school reading and writing at a level that is below where they left off upon completion of the previous grade. But is summer homework the answer? And is it the answer for older kids? And does it benefit the sharpest students? If summer slide is a universal problem, then maybe there should be some discussion about year round school. If it is not a universal problem, then school districts should offer summer classes or programs to those who are in danger of backsliding and leave the rest of the students (and their parents) alone when the last dismissal bell rings in June.

When children struggle to keep up in school, I don't believe that handing them a stack of paperwork to complete at home over the summer is the answer. And when children are doing just fine during the school year, summer paperwork seems unnecessary. Perhaps a better idea would be for school departments to offer summer workshops for young writers, guided book discussion groups, or a math or science club that utilizes hands-on activities designed to foster discussion and collaboration among the children. Non-traditional programs such as these may also build students' confidence and positive peer relationships, and that can only benefit children as each new school year begins.