In Case You Don't Show Up

Inspirational Speeches

2012-11-23T23:00:00.000-08:00

I've once again found myself in a staring match with a blank piece of paper and a pencil.Neither of us were willing to budge,so I reached out to my peer group for writing ideas.Almost immediately I was offered a few subjects that re lit the proverbial fire under my ass."Write about your writing influences,past or present,direct or abstract."What a great idea" I thought,especially coming from someone that will be mentioned in this piece!(Thanks Dion!)

An artist's ability to convey specific,concise feelings and situations in a three minute song,using only a couple hundred words, has always impressed me. To be able to paint a vivid picture of life that you as the reader or listener can feel you've become a part of, or have always been a part of is truly amazing to me. When I write I am primarily focused on the cadence of the words for each particular piece. I hope to leave a clear concise feeling that you the reader have taken a little piece of me with you. Like my writing influences my goal is to leave you with the idea that you were there yourself, being completely connected to the story. I hope to take you on a ride down "an old familiar road" with me. Whether I've ever achieved that is yet to be seen.

After much consideration I'd have to say my mother was my earliest and most formative influence because if nothing else she introduced me to the wonder of literature and music. I was hope sick from school in first maybe second grade, and she brought home two pocketbooks for my reading pleasure they were, "Last of the Mohicans" and a collection of Edgar Allan Poe stories. I never made it past the first page of "The Mohicans" book but the Poe stories were another adventure altogether. The feelings those stories evoked are precisely what I aspire to convey when I am writing. His stories left the hair raised on the back of my neck and palms sweaty, with the smell of that dank old wine cellar strong in the air, or feeling the wind that brought the raven to my window.

Another early influence was my relationship with my cousin Dion. We were clowns in the most dedicated sense of the word. We learned at an early age the power of humor (crude or otherwise), and the ability to bring people pleasure through laughter. We spent our time with vulgar Mad Libs, spoofing popular songs, and recording comedy skits. I learned about cadence and delivery with intent on belly laughs. We were focused on one emotion alone, but we mastered it.

My memory of my fifth grade teacher, Mrs. Wills at Highland Elementary in relation to her influence in my writing is a bit abstract but formative nonetheless. She taught me about the true beauty of human nature and the importance of sharing freely with your brothers and sisters. She showed by example just how much we really are all alike and a dreamer isn't necessarily a fool, if he moves with purpose. She focused on the importance of imagination and creating as much our studies and book reports.

In high school I was honored to have Mrs. Lebedz for English Lit. She taught me to appreciate good literature as if it were a gift from above. In an extremely turbulent time in my life, a time filled with the reality of pain in loss, she taught me to embrace my emotions and to proudly wear them on my sleeve whether pleasing or painful. I learned from this that pouring your heart and soul onto paper can be extremely empowering and healing.

One of my first post adolescent influences that stands out to me is the great Stephen King. I was first introduced to his work through film adaptations of The Shining and Pet Semetary at a young age but when I began to read his works in my 20's I was floored to realize how much more frightening and well, downright unsettling his written works were. I was sold immediately, I remember feeling more like an uncle or old family friend was telling me ghost stories at the cabin fire, more than reading stories in the safe confines of my home I was enthralled with the way he spoke to his victims with eerie familiarity even through simple writer/reader dialogue his work is written with the precision of an X-Acto wound from under the bed.

Growing up with several musicians certainly had a huge impact on my interest and appreciation for writing. The relationships taught me several things including being confident and joyful when sharing your gifts. I learned it's okay to be comfortable in your own skin and display your creations proudly.

Last but not least is the obvious constant influence of the rest of my family. This section could end up its own piece entirely if I'm not careful! The infinite love and support give me the confidence to, if nothing else appreciate the therapeutic value of releasing your thoughts onto paper.

My influences are truly endless, these were just a few that stood out this time around. A heartfelt thank you to everyone that's touched my life. God Bless.

Random Acts of Silence

2012-02-07T17:25:00.000-08:00

In early 2007 I wrote quite a bit at night out of necessity.It was cheap therapy but in my diluted state I often didnt get past a line or two with any one subject. While reviewing my Moleskine recently I found a few I wanted to put together and share them.So here it go!Enjoy!

The pain and torture of self affliction bites at the soul like an addiction.You know me yet still you toll me? Infinite deflection of my hearts wrenchin.Your wisdom only cost you a sixty second earache.I've paid a lifetime of gut wrenching heartbreak.Friend,slave,victim,perpetrator.Emotion exploding then re-loading.On my way back to the dirt my feet were rarely even touching.

Misdirection is a direct reflection of my slurred speech and poor inflection.Abuse? Yeah that's fuckin obvious,but I can't find my tools to put a stop to this!My lack of focus is ridiculous.Brought to you LIVE from dust,I've fed on the lust,My souls love came from addiction and mistrust.

Housin Lames on the Regular

2012-02-05T21:18:00.000-08:00

Linguistically it's trickery
I house you inexplicably
Your whack ass style
ain't shit ya see?
Watch me real close son
I'm bout to demonstrate
I'm holdin classes at South campus
......Don't be late
Poppin shots in your stale game
LAME
it's all the same
Ask your girl who she's feelin
Her eyes will scream you my name
When I finally get to writin you
so called MCs get frightened
But if you can just focus a bit
You'll leave enlightened
Brighten up your game
like bleach and T shirts
Try to keep up now
Kuz draggin ya might hurt
Just a Whiteboy
From South Omaha,Nebraska
Everyone relax
its just me flyin past ya
In your ear buzzin like a tank of nitrous hits
Have you passin out
like a fuckin Oxy trip
If the heat come round
you ain't seen me in a bit
I won't repeat it again
Don't let me hear you're talkin shit

South Side Boys - Single and Hating It

2012-02-01T21:03:00.000-08:00

...continues from.

The next thing that would significantly change my life would almost take me down, my divorce. My kids were very young and I already felt like had missed the sweetest years of their lives. The thought of being weekend daddy was horrifying but instead of taking this as an opportunity to step up and finally make some positive changes. I of course latch onto the things that played a big hand in my divorce, drugs and alcohol. Shortly after I was told to move out I let my lawn care company dissolve into nothing and spiraled in and out of control for years. I left quite a mess in my wake. I'd only known one way of dealing with pain and I took full advantage of it. The whispers from the street were starting to show me her true colors and I couldn't bear the truth. She was a lying f@cking whore; I just knew we'd be together forever, the South Side streets and me.

Even with what I knew, hustle and party time check whores check blow check let's roll boys.

To be continued...

Reality Doesn't Bite

2012-01-31T18:30:00.000-08:00

2-1-12

Ten days before my 38th birthday and I've had a rough couple days. Between work and vehicle problems they've been the kind of days that are just out of your control. It's becoming easier to deal with shitty days like this and that is very encouraging to me.

I'll admit I basically threw my hands up yesterday, but today was even worse and I pushed through and made it happen. I couldn't have done this a year ago, literally. It feels nice to have some clarity and a great support group.

I know now I will survive and furthermore succeed. There will be bad days but from day comes night with a new day just after. I have a blessing and chance at something great and I'm not willing to let it go. I am in control of my destiny.

"Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they are supposed to help you discover who you are."

~ Bernice Johnson Reagon

Perpetual Anti-Climax 3-15-07

2012-01-10T20:26:00.000-08:00

Drag it to me and watch it run
Dope, money, and pussy doesn't even stay put for long
I'm not slamming my pages shut for life
You cocksuckers do not desire page by page honesty
But desire your predetermined version of my biography
Stone cold with blade exposed
Is the new improved dirty hustling white boy from South O
You may assume my game isn't legitimate
Ask around the South Side and see what your questions get
Affirmation of the sh!t I'm trying to spit
More than one or two questions may get your wig split

Quote of the Day

2012-01-10T20:04:00.000-08:00

One of the advantages of being disorderly is that one is constantly making exciting discoveries."

~A. A. Milne

Song of the Day

2012-01-10T19:55:00.000-08:00

This is a great video by a highly underrated band. It deserves a quick look and listen. You won't be disappointed.

Guaranteed Success Playing Limit Hold 'Em Poker

2012-01-01T20:32:00.000-08:00

I must say I love playing Texas hold 'em poker. There are few things that do or have ever made me feel as good as it does forcing my will on someone at the poker table! It's not always easily done at a limit table which is what makes it all the more sweet when you pull it off. If you consider yourself at least an intermediate skilled poker player you would basically almost have to try to lose at a limit table. It's quite simply position, patience, premium cards, and well timed aggression. This school of thought obviously doesn't apply if you've got thirty minutes to kill while waiting for your wife to finish playing penny slots. That would obviously take the patience out of the equation. I'm certainly not getting rich at it but I have a great time and virtually never lose at the end of the evening. I average about twenty four dollars profit per hour played. I look at it like a fun but serious job. I feel that with my skill and intelligence it would be an embarrassment to leave a 3-6 limit table a loser. Positive thinking and solid fundamentals alone should guarantee success. It's as simple as this, by the time you are between 12 and 18 dollars into a 3-6 limit pot, you should have a damn good idea whether you are the winner or you need to fold and run. I've bee to the casino to play four times between Oct. 20th and Jan. 1st, each time starting with a hundred dollars with the intent on leaving if my stack reached below fifty dollars. I profited 121 dollars once, 89 dollars once, and finally 24 dollars. Yes, I'm embarrassed to say one of the four visits I was a 49 dollar loser. Without excuse, I played poor poker. I allowed outside influences to effect my focus and just played poorly. I learned quite a bit and the lesson was well worth the 49 dollar loss, especially because you can see over four visits I made well over two hundred dollars! For this working class SOB that's good stuff!I'd like to know what you think!Sign in under anonymous if need be and just sign your comments!

Sometimes Life Gets In The Way -- Riding The Wave In

2011-12-31T18:22:00.000-08:00

...continues from.

I recently wrote, "the reality when you set aside what warms your soul for what warms your belly can be a strange feeling." I am elated to announce that I've since firmly grabbed hold of the best of both worlds and it feels great. I am back in the construction trade as a ceramic/stone installer.

It feels like I'm back home from a long journey of scavenging with nothing to show for it. Only to find my treasure was right in front of me! I give thanks and praises to God for giving me the faith and focus to take the leap back in. I feel it is a big step back in the direction of the righteous path from which I should have never strayed.

I am a more disciplined man than the last time I traveled this road and I can assure you this opportunity will not pass me by. The light at the end of the tunnel is a bright as the sun and it warms my soul.

"Keep your face to the sun and you cannot see the shadows." ~Helen Keller

South Side Boys - Probationary Period

2011-12-29T21:00:00.000-08:00

...continued from.

After probation we started to build a family. I found a trade and things were good. The kids grounded me some, and slowed me down. This was yet another, "I could pull my head out of my ass now" moments that slipped right by. I was making a good honest living, but two incomes are better than one, right? I never had to do much more than kick back with my boys at night to make money...at first. Money has a way of completely f*cking up one's judgement. Each night I was with the boys I wasn't with my family. F*cked up thing is, it's a vicious cycle because the money I made was for my family. So you begin to intentionally dull your conscience because you're "providing" but trust me, you will end up paying with your soul a thousand fold more than you have ever earned. I even became obsessed with my legitimate work 50-60 hours a week, plus side jobs, and hustling on top of that. My family grew up while I was on the grind and I'll never get that back. I financed the garden but feel like I barely got to see it blossom. You must be a provider but I took that shit and ran it into the ground. I allowed the responsibility of earning once again cloud my moral judgement and continue to deplete me. After awhile the hustle didn't come so easy, but that wasn't going to stop me. Lord knows it should have. When the hustle doesn't come to you it's something you never chase. That only ends in heartache or prison but I'm Big Daddy, doing my f*cking thing since I was 15 and no one is going to tell me otherwise.

...to be continued.

Transcending

2011-12-25T11:53:00.000-08:00

If I don't expect to grow each day then why was my first step ever taken? I suppose to remind me of these days when I'm starting to feel the warm breeze twisting its way around the walls before me, only to drive them to dirt as if never above earth. That obstacle course is of my making. I need only choose to walk above the maze and it no longer impedes me.

Today is a day I choose to not be angry; today I am grateful for my family members old and new. Today I will be happy to know I will be a righteous son, father, and someday husband. I will share my smiles and affection like candy. I will hesitate to point out others short comings and flaws to allow genuine reflection on my own. I will strive to give willingly and unselfishly, wise and well guided advice. I would imagine a fair bit more listening in lieu of speaking wouldn't be all that either.

I can feel myself turning the corner and there's a sunny day right around the way. I will create it because I deserve it. I will transcend.

Song of the Day

2011-12-22T19:20:00.000-08:00

The Decline of Civilization Or the Dawn of a New Era - Etiquette in Society Today

2011-12-22T18:50:00.000-08:00

It's obvious we live in an increasingly busy society but personally I am appalled at the lack of common decency I witness in day to day life. I often wonder is it just over extended/over scheduled rat racers or does it go a bit deeper than that? I lean towards the latter but my lady Tuesday insists I'm just a pessimist.

Self absorption and self importance seems to be running rampant to the point of a dilemma some days. From road-ragers to door slammers and elevator-closers "love thy neighbor" seems to be a mere memory. Now I must admit there's usually a person or two on a daily basis that do their best to renew my faith in society but they've got their work cut out.

A pleasant smile or a warm good morning are highly underrated tools to effect a more peaceful society. I know it seems ridiculously simple but just consider the idea. I believe you can generally change the path of a troubled soul with something as simple as a warm greeting and a smile. Even just eye contact can brighten a miserable day.

I'm not sure if I'm just an odd creature or a dying breed but I've never felt in line with the average bear. All signs do seem to be pointing towards a more cold, crude society. Sorry folks, the verdict is in, the decline of the American family ensures that decline wins over dawn of a new era.

God Bless and have a Merry Christmas.

Quote of the Day

2011-12-15T13:19:00.000-08:00

LMFAO

"Thinkin sucks dude"~"Sethro Tull" Nauslar

South Side Boys - 21 and Running

2011-12-14T20:52:00.000-08:00

...continues from.

By '95 my future wife and I were in full gear and life was pretty much the same as before except I was now a salesman at a lawn care company. Folks, if you didn't just die laughing, back up and reread. I sold these people the guarantee they'd always have good green grass. Not sure what you call that, literal metaphor comparison or some sh!t. As sad as it is now, it's still f@cking hilarious nonetheless. Just now 21, whole life's just begun, it's like a free buffet where we run. Living fast and working hard became the standard and the love affair that can become of that couple may be deadly. Money, love, and self-confidence are just the first few losses that come to mind. Lust of the fast lane tends to numb your soul to the whispers inside. Okay of course I"m writing this to provoke you, entertain you, you know a few chuckles and whatnot but most importantly I want to point out what direction a potentially magnificent future can succumb to over a lust affair with the streets. I'm 37 now and when this story is done I'm planning to keep it all love from 37 forward. Reason is I finally got my head COMPLETELY out of my ass (OUCH!) and do plan on keeping it that way. Okay okay, I know I'm jumping around but just buck up and stay with me. 21 just begun, fun, fun, F@CK!

Messed around and got in a little legal trouble. Not big trouble but enough that should have sent a guy straight into the work force as a sole means of income. Me on the other hand I wasn't ready to relinquish my status and my hustle, whatever those may have been.

There's a short time during probation that I did fly straight but she spoke to me at night because the street was in fact my teacher and confidant. I supposed she deserved the floor for a moment.

To be continued...

Quote of the Day

2011-12-14T20:18:00.000-08:00

If a man will begin with certainties, he shall end in doubts; but if he will be content to begin with doubts, he shall end in certainty.

~Francis Bacon

Song of the Day

2011-12-14T19:50:00.000-08:00

A Firm Stance and a Warm Embrace

2011-11-10T20:00:00.000-08:00

Today I'd like to discuss something near and dear to my heart-Parenthood. In my twelve plus years of experience I must admit I've become quite the authority! Thankfully, I have no official pedigree or PhD so I may share my "uninformed opinions" without fear of serious retribution.

I truly believe today's parenting or lack thereof is directly related to our declining moral fabric in society, I find it idiotic to believe we have progressed so far that there is nothing left to learn from our predecessors. The new age "children are basically programmed and will find their own path" type parents should be beaten publicly for all to see.You can go to any local jail or prison to acquaint yourself with adults that were not exposed to positive,structured, family culture as children. Unruly kids are a direct reflection of lazy parents and will almost assuredly be underachieving/unhappy adults.

It's actually very simple. Common sense, Structure, and a Warm Heart are your best tools for raising your children. It is not our job to be our kids' friends. You can travel that road when your children are your age! Until then, walk the line and find your own friends at the bar like normal adults. Bottom line is it's on us folks to shape our kids ideas on respect, humility, and appreciation. We need to instill the desire to succeed and travel a righteous path at the same time. A skill which seems almost like an old wives tale nowadays.

Now back to parents that need a flogging: The parent whose goal is to not be embarrassed, "Oh, they'll be fine in a minute just ignore them" isn't always your best option. There are times when negative as well as positive reinforcement is, I'm sorry to say, absolutely necessary. The," I absolutely do not yell and don't ever give my child so much as a slap on the hand" school of thought is just not realistic. Call me crazy but a quick slap on the hand to firmly demonstrate the need to steer clear of the stove is far less traumatic to the psyche of a toddler than a pot of boiling water. I'm certainly not trying to glorify or encourage corporal punishment but I am a fan of common sense approaches to child-rearing. I also see nothing wrong with a firm menacing tone, even a low roar if your child is acting like a horse's ass at the grocery store. They should be embarrassed and it should be of no concern if your tone attracts attention. The other parents should not be your focus.

Now obviously if you are a "hard-line, always kick ass and take names parent" you will fail miserably. Again, Common sense, Structure, and a Warm Heart are key. You must be caring and loving unselfishly with your child. If you are not a physically affectionate person you need to learn to be. A warm embrace and a sympathetic tone is sometimes all your child needs. If your parents didn't openly show affection and you're not used to that type of thing, tough shit! Tell it to your counselor and be sure your kids do not suffer because of past mistakes.

Love your kids folks. Talk to them. Listen to them, and most importantly take the time to enjoy them. Until next time...

Sometimes Life Can Get In the Way

2011-10-21T22:05:00.000-07:00

Hello folks! How have you been? Yes, I agree it does seem like forever and it feels nice to be back! It feels as if it's been months and it's only been a couple weeks now that I haven't been writing. I could have jumped back in a few days ago but my notebook felt foreign beneath my pencil. It's true that stagnancy breeds laziness (and mosquitoes). I've spent the last couple weeks on a side job at night and the "give" was not writing while my "take" was some extra cash. Although grateful for the opportunity to earn extra money, it's fairly disconcerting that it has completely stifled my writing (even if only temporarily). Life is good but it does sometimes get in the way. The reality when you set aside what warms your soul for what warms your belly it can be a strange feeling. I really missed having time to write in the recent past and the ease at which my words came to me has not yet returned. So I decided to bear to you what frets me in an attempt to overcome this proverbial "bump in the road." Thanks for lending me your ears or eyes or you know what I mean. We'll talk soon...

Science Project

2011-10-21T20:37:00.000-07:00

05-08-07

Don't repeat it delete it
Do not repeat it defeat it

You look down here and derive your thesis

Mommy never fed you this shit, you're not equipped for stripped flesh and a death wish

You get down to look up and drive your thesis.

Don't believe, defeat it. To close for comfort, repeat it

08-31-11

When you finally see behind my eyes you won't believe it.

Post Graduate Studies

2011-09-23T17:48:00.000-07:00

...continues from.

The more I ponder the idea of someone coming to my aid with solid advice, a "this could happen to you" type story, or to tell me what's really going to be important to me in just a few years, it would have done no good; I was stubborn and "hood-rich" and already knew everything! No one could have pulled my head out of my ass even with a bulldozer. The sad truth is just short of a jail sentence or a dirt nap I just had to see it for myself, the wasted years and pain I've created in my life. To feel the sting of lost potential that nips at your heels can be haunting. Like rabid puppies they probably won't take you down, but (their ferocity makes it clear), it's not for lack of trying.

Graduation was bliss and the ensuing parties were as well. I don't remember sleeping for two weeks. Riding a high of adrenaline, testosterone, and a few other stimulants, I remember seeing so many tears during this period and I could feel the sadness and despair in their painful stares. Scores of young hearts crushed under the weight of perceived adulthood. I shared no such feelings. The first couple of years after high school was an unbelievable, carefree time in my life. It seemed like my whole life was still ahead of me, not realizing I'd been burning my candle from the wrong end for almost a decade now. My nemesis during this period was primarily my lack of foresight, or hindsight for that matter. This was however a period of time that holds little regret. I was able to travel all over the mid-states, chasing good shows and good times, and they certainly were not elusive destinations. The boys and I had a seek-and-destroy mentality, and I mean that in the most positive way. We saw Pink Floyd at Arrowhead Stadium and followed Lollapalozza from Chicago to Des Moines,then Denver. One of the most memorable concerts was the Soul Assassins tour at the Aragon Ballroom in South Side Chicago. It was Cyprss Hill, House of Pain, and Funkdoobiest!! We followed that tour all throughout the Midwest as well. From wild road trips to the most peaceful secluded, private getaway with my sweetheart, this was the period of my life I felt the most freedom and control over the pace of things. This time was fairly short-lived because of a decision I made about my relationship status that I believed would change the course of my life irreparably. I broke up with my high school sweetheart, my first true loving relationship, for a chance at a friend I had been infatuated with since 7th grade. I later married that friend and we had two beautiful children. The night I found out it was over felt strangely similar to being shot in the chest and I thought again of my sweetheart. Although there were good years in my marriage and I now have two wonderful children, not a day went by after my divorce that I didn't think about my sweetheart, her smile, and her dedication. Just another mindless, selfish decision that would haunt me, just like the rest. As the regret and guilt started to fade, I felt a false sense of security not realizing they'd be back to visit again and again. If I'd stayed with her, I would have never had my two beautiful babies nor would I have met the woman that changed my life, my love Tuesday. So it's strange to me admitting I sometimes ponder what could have been if I'd stayed with her.

To be continued...

Changes

2011-09-18T20:31:00.000-07:00

I recently found a notebook that contains a collection of some of my older writing and I've had quite the good time thumbing through these works. I found one in particular that stood out and was quite moving to me personally. It was difficult to finally decide to post this because I certainly didn't want to appear to condone the self-loathing subject matter contained in it. After much consideration I decided to share this piece so, if nothing else you folks could have a peak into where I've come from and where one can go to even if they are coming from the darkest of places. A voice for the voiceless type of work that says you are not alone and the dark nights will lead to brighter days, if you stay and face the pain. From "Changes" to Martes Mi Amor, I've made quite a swing towards the positive and it feels great.

3-12-07

At the end of the rope riding the downward spiral "Tim was here too" all you c*cksuckers know it's true. You actually think there was anything in common between me and your crew? I'll choke you to death. You'll turn the palest of blue, just like when I execute my own calling.

I can no longer touch pain to my face day after today. No good deed gets paid is what they should say. I've tried everyone's way right down to this last day. At the end of the rope and really can't remember the last day I felt peace or at least peaceful ignorance. Right now I'd take either. Give me anything, even a little more tension in this rope please.

Martes Mi Amor

2011-09-11T20:27:00.000-07:00

The earth stood still when our eyes met. I was sure of what I was in store for hours before it became reality. It would be just how I read it during the black of night. We came together like prophecy pure as falling snow. You saw my insides out and never even flinched. The fresh wounds and the scars, you embraced them and immediately began to erase them.

I can exhale in your presence and lay my head back with ease to slumber when in your arms. A rebirth through loving connection and open adoration for each other. No change as profound has occurred in my life since the births of Jacob and Grace. With a mere glance I snatched up the world in you. I had only dreamt of you, my lover, my teacher, my friend, my student. The fire in my soul and under my ass burns bright through your comforting embrace. You are my true adversary in comedic banter which brings soul-fulfilling knowledge through cerebral exchanges of nonsense. Our rhythm is undeniable.

I can already feel the loving legacy we will leave for our children. It brings a smile to my face and a safe peaceful feeling in my heart. Although I have nothing to compare it against I've seen our love through the prophet's eye. I adore you my love. We will be heard when we take our turn on the Mountaintop!

Happy Birthday, Baby Doll!

Quote of the Day

2011-09-07T20:14:00.000-07:00

"Why do we script carefully what's wrong just to guess about what's right?"

~T Money