In God's Country

I don't do introspection anymore

2010-05-13T02:35:00.003-04:00

All of my life, I've been a navel gazer. Always searching, seeking, analyzing, introspecting. That's why I chose Psychology as my major in college. That's why I chose to focus on Market Research early in my professional career. I even approached my Christian walk in a very navel gazing way, always thinking about how I could improve myself and be a "better" Christian.

God has been reminding me lately that I can't strive to be a better me. I have to abandon myself to Him, to His plans and purposes for me. I have to allow Him full control over my life; the good parts (sure! lead me into your promises!) and the not so good parts (wait, what? i still have rough edges that need to be smoothed out??).

Lately, I've been reading a lot of Bill Johnson, Kris Vallotton and just soaking myself in the teachings of Bethel Church in Redding California. The following prayer from The Supernatural Ways of Royalty really spoke to me about my navel gazing ways. I need to stop introspecting and let Him have His way with me.

Father,

You know that I don't do so well when I look inward, so I'm going to stop. I am relying on You to point out to me the things that I need to see. I promise to stay in Your Word. You said that Your Word was a sword - so please use it to cut me deeply. Expose those things in me that are not pleasing to You. But in doing so, please give me the grace to forsake them. I also promise to come before You daily. Your presence is like a fire. Please burn from me those things that are unpleasing to You. Melt my heart until it becomes like the heart of Jesus. Be merciful to me in these things. I also promise to stay in fellowship with Your people. You said that iron sharpens iron. I expect You to anoint the "wounds of a friend" to bring me to my senses when I'm being resistant toward You. Please use these tools to shape my life until Jesus alone is seen in me. I believe that You have given me Your heart and mind. By Your grace I am a new creation. I want that reality to be seen that the name of Jesus would be held in highest honor.

A prayer to respond rightly

2010-04-09T23:54:00.003-04:00

I must pay attention in this time. O Lord, help me pay attention. I want to give myself to these winds as a student of your ways with me. Help me to discern your ways with me. Help me to give the corresponding response to the intensity of this season. For surely it will come and go. When that transition takes place, I want to have moved with the winds in fullness and to have drunk deeply of the cup of this season. I must pay attention. Help me God to pay attention.

For some time I have looked for this season. I have searched the horizon for the sign of first light. I have sat alone in silence awaiting the faintest sound of the coming rain. And here I am. The winds have changed. The new day has begun to show its face. The silence has drifted away to its holding place for later seasons. And I am here being swept gracefully to and fro in this gentle whirlwind. I am in movement. Oh, help me to respond rightly in this time.

You have tested my soul. You have tested me with your absence. You tested me with your silence. You tested me with merciless ache of utter stillness. You made me a student of the night season, a watchman waiting for the morning. You made me sensitive to every whisper of the waking dawn. Oh, let me not forget one shade of what the shadows taught me. Let me not rush about in movement now that you have restored my ability to move. I want to move with you. When you are still, I am still. When you dance, I dance. When you rush, I rush. But let me never move for the sake of movement.

I am your garden, reserved for your pleasure. I am no longer mine, gladly. I am yours. I desire that you would blow upon my garden that its spices might flow out. I am reserved for your pleasure. In the silent seasons of the north winds and the movement seasons of the south. I am yours. If south winds now rest upon my soul, then enjoy me now as you enjoyed me in the cold bitter winds of testing. I cling to you. I know what it is to sink into the winter's frost. I cannot afford to not drink every drop of this season to the fullness of its wealth. Help me God for you know my weakness. Let me pay attention in this time. Let me not slumber in the refreshment of this season. Let me respond rightly. Help me to respond rightly. Oh give me the grace to respond rightly.

From Deep Unto Deep, Dana Candler

Construction Zone - Update

2009-12-11T22:48:00.007-05:00

So, it's been a while since my last post. I've gone through so much in the past few months, I wouldn't even know where to start with all the stories of God's ridiculous faithfulness. Yes, it's ridiculous. I find myself overusing the word "amazing". I think I'll settle on ridiculous, because it is.

I've been listening to a band called Flyleaf. God often uses songs to minister to me. It's like a full, integrated package. He uses my community, and then follows up with multimedia (books, videos, podcasts, songs). One of the songs that has really impacted me is "Again" off of the new album Memento Mori.

Again
I love the way your heart breaks
With every injustice and deadly fate
Praying it all be new
And living like it all depends on you

Here you are down on your knees again
Trying to find air to breathe again
Only surrender will help you now
I love you please see and believe again

I love that you're never satisfied
With face value wisdom and happy lies
You take what they say and go back and cry
You're so close to me that you nearly died

Here you are down on your knees again
Trying to find air to breathe again
Only surrender will help you now
I love you please see and believe again

They don't have to understand you
Be still
Wait and know I understand you
Be still
Be still

Here you are down on your knees again
Trying to find air to breathe again
Only surrender will help you now
The floodgates are breaking
And pouring out

Here you are down on your knees
Trying to find air to breathe
Right where I want you to be again
I love you please see and believe again

Here you are down on your knees again
Trying to find air to breathe again
Right where I want you to be again
See and believe

The album cover doesn't contain lyrics, instead, it is a letter from God to His daughter, the Church; each song represents a different section of the letter:

Again
"As I looked over the battlefield today, I was reminded of what we were fighting for. I thought of all my loved ones. When I started thinking about my daughter, I was overwhelmed. She can be so much like me. The way her heart breaks with every injustice. She prays like everything depends on God, but then lives like it all depends on her. Even though she is strong, there are times when she tries to carry all the weight of the world on her own and she ends up crushed, brought to her knees. As she cries out for relief, she will finally let go, surrendering all the burden, by believing that everything has a purpose and will work out for good. It's only here that she finds air to breathe again. I wish she would come to this place quicker sometimes. So often she feels guilty for not being able to hold it all herself, but if only she knew how wonderful she is. I've written several times to remind her of these things, but I haven't gotten a response from her in months."

I can totally relate to this song. I pray like everything depends on God, but then live like it all depends on me. I try to carry all the weight of the world on my own, and I end up crushed, brought to my knees. I often feel guilty for not being able to hold it all myself. It's suffocating. I can't live like that anymore. I'm not meant to live like that, as a daughter of God. In Christ, we are meant to live in freedom. Freedom from fear, guilt, shame, condemnation. So yes, I've been brought to my knees lately. Trying to find air to breathe again. Learning how to let people and situations go, learning how to hold them loosely. Learning that surrender, surrender to God, is the only option.

I recently had dinner with a friend who has known me since I became a Christian five years ago. We don't see each other that often, even though we live in the same city. Three weeks had passed since our last meeting, and she mentioned that I've changed since then....in three weeks! I sat there in awe....of God. I'm experiencing and reflecting a peace that has never been there before. Christ in me. The hope and glory. It's a beautiful thing.

Of course, there still is more work to be done, more demolition and rebuilding. God knows the timetable, He's the master architect and builder. I'm learning how to work through this process better now than one year ago; surrendering to God, it helps, trust me!

Construction Zone - Work in Progress

2009-06-03T22:54:00.008-04:00

Warning...hard hats required....

So the theme of demolition continues through this season of my life. One of my mentors in Hong Kong recently told me that when he sees me, he sees one of those lovely "Construction Zone" signs; yes, i am a work in progress (well, aren't we all). But for this season of my life, that phrase definitely resonates with me, as I feel like something is going on in my heart practically daily. With my permission of course, God is basically doing an extreme makeover in my spiritual life. He's setting the foundation and building the structure for what is to come.

I am thrilled to be back in Hong Kong. Seeing my spiritual family again, spending time with them, getting back into community. Seeing how God has been preparing the way for this new chapter in my life. Seeing how faithful and loving he has been, guiding me, encouraging me, comforting me. The whole way.

It's been 5 months now since I've been back. Of course, it feels like much, much longer. Re-entry into Hong Kong was a bit like the Space Shuttle re-entering the Earth's atmosphere; I experienced quite a bit of fire and discomfort during my return to "reality" as I transitioned out of my life in NYC. Saying goodbye to my family and my adorable nephews was hard. My heart was heavy the entire time I was on the 16 hour flight.

Thankfully, I experienced a "soft landing" when I got back to HK. I eased back into life in HK by attending a leader's retreat at Cheung Chau. It was a day and a half of soaking in God's presence, learning more about myself and how God sees me. Learning how to prophesy and to encourage others through prophesy. Receiving and sharing words, visions, pictures from God.

I've finally embraced the fact that I am a missionary. I resisted that label for a while, only because I had to overcome my own misperceptions of what that word means. Being a missionary isn't an exclusive label that only belongs to those people who are sharing the Gospel to the unreached peoples of the earth. We're ALL called to be missionaries, to bring the love of Christ to everyone around us; be it in our schools, our homes, our places of work and play.

Being in full time ministry has been awesome, and working at Asian Outreach has been like a "dream job", where my values are completely aligned with the organization's values; where I get to work alongside brothers and sisters in Christ; where prayer is not only encouraged, we actually DO it!(a few of us set aside time to pray 3 times a week); where the deliverables are not worldly things like money or products, but Kingdom of God deliverables like transformed lives, communities and nations.

Living with a roommate after 6 years on my own has also been quite good. I knew that it would be an adjustment, but thank God that He gave me a roommate who is considerate, kind and loving. And she loves to cook :). She's also quite the opposite of me in the way we process information, so that has led to a few interesting (sometimes heated) discussions, but we always end up in a place where God's grace and wisdom prevail. I am reminded of Proverbs 27:17 As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another. We need people in our lives who will challenge us, who see things differently. I'm blessed to have a few people like that in my life in HK. Not only do they challenge me, but they also encourage, edify and love me (particularly when I'm not being lovable; yes, it sounds so unbelievable but it happens!). That, in my opinion, is the definition of true community and genuine relationship.

It has been challenging to live out my life in the "Construction Zone". For most of my life, I've tried to keep things tidy and neat on the surface, while underneath, I'd be dealing with all sorts of tornadoes and storms. I attribute some of it to my Chinese heritage and the rest to learning how to cope with it the best way I could, before I knew Jesus. It's only been recently that I realize that it's just too hard to hide what's going on. While bringing certain things into the light have been utterly terrifying, it has also been utterly liberating. I'm learning how to find freedom in the Cross. Freedom in Jesus. Freedom in God.

So yes, I am still a work in progress. Hard hats required. Soft hearts needed. I recognize that during this process, a few stray hammers and nails, maybe some planks might slip off their bearings and inadvertently hit a few people around me. Forgive me, as I learn how to forgive myself and learn that I am not perfect (I don't need to be), nor are people around me (they don't need to be either). God loves me as I am, construction zone or no construction zone. I am valued, I am loved, I am worthy of being pursued. I am his beloved and he is mine.

Cleaning house

2009-01-07T23:10:00.009-05:00

When I lost my job at ABSOLUT in September, I knew I wasn't done with Hong Kong yet, but I wondered if it was just me, or if God had something else in mind. Within two months of receiving news that there was no room for me at ABSOLUT, God was very clear about what He wanted me to do next. He wanted me to stay in Hong Kong. Not only did He provide the best assignment, He also provided the best housing situation. All within two months. It was mind blowing. Before all of this fell into place, I was totally prepared to "wing it"; to go home to NYC as scheduled and then return to Hong Kong after a few months to find a new job or volunteer at my church. Instead, He gave me the plan, so I could feel at peace about what I was stepping into next. I would also be able to really enjoy the rest I so desperately needed without having to worry about arranging things and sorting stuff out halfway across the world.

I've been home for over one month now. Spending time with family (my two adorable nephews), reading, journaling, listening to new music, catching up on my TV shows, etc. Resting. I like resting. I haven't rested like this in a long, long time...like...ever. It's glorious. I could get used to not working....

But I haven't been a complete couch potato. Actually, I have been taking advantage of this time to clean house. Physically and spiritually. Taking stock of my physical possessions and my current walk with God. Making choices to move on. Throwing things away and putting the past where it belongs.

It's been an interesting journey so far. God always surprises me. He gets my attention in so many ways. I received a word before I left Hong Kong - "demolition". And I have to admit, I was freaked out. I knew that my time at home would be important, but the word "demolition" set up an expectation for a lot of dust and debris flying around (figuratively). I felt like I was bracing myself for the worst storm of my life, as if I hadn't already experienced plenty of those in the past few years. But this time, it's been different. Yes, there have been literally lots of puddles, and plenty of dust and debris flying around, but instead of battling the same issue over and over again and drowning in the same puddle, God has lifted me out of each one, as only He can. He's also been protecting me from the dust and debris. There have been a few instances where I have received God's protection and favor in ways that make me go "Whoa..."

There's a verse in Matthew that talks about clean houses:

When an evil spirit comes out of a man, it goes through arid places seeking rest and does not find it. Then it says, "I will return to the house I left". When it arrives, it finds the house unoccupied, swept clean and put in order. Then it goes and takes with it seven other spirits more wicked than itself, and they go in and live there. And the final condition of that man is worse than the first. That is how it will be with this wicked generation.

When I first read that verse, I had no idea what it meant, other than knowing that I didn't want to be that person whose house was swept clean, only to have it occupied by evil seven times over. After going to the PCS course in California a few weeks ago, it made more sense to me. The house was unoccupied, which meant that anything could have entered the house and laid its claim on it. While the person did a good thing by evicting the evil spirit, he did not fill his house with something more holy. So, it doesn't do a person any good to clean house and stop there. The person needs to fill their house with the Holy Spirit. Which means I need to be filled with the Holy Spirit, all the time, continuously. I need to be in the Word daily, eating my spiritual bread daily, hearing from God daily.

God is doing a new thing in my life. I'm entering a new season and experiencing His love and grace in ways I had never experienced before. It's as though I'm being born again, again. Like a child, experiencing the "firsts" - first word, first step, first time riding a bike without training wheels, first time swimming without a floatation device, first love. Receiving gifts and surprises from my heavenly Father; receiving what I need from Him because He knows exactly what I need and He will give it to me because I ask Him.

Operation Demolition continues. It has not been easy to walk away from the past. It has not been easy to walk away from the bad habits and the bad thinking that I have created in order to cope with life, stress, relationships. But I need to walk away from the past, I need to go through this process so I can step into the destiny that God has for me and for this generation of believers.

I am enjoying my time in NYC. I am also very excited to get back to Hong Kong, to get back into the game, as it were. But I will not rush ahead of myself. Going to enjoy every day I have breath, wherever in the world I happen to be, NYC, Hong Kong, it's all God's country. He is everywhere and He is with me..always..:)

What I'm listening to right now...

2008-11-10T20:56:00.006-05:00

Music has this incredible effect on me. It never ceases to amaze me how a song, a melody, a lyric, can bring me to a place I can never get to on my own, no matter how still and reflective I am, no matter how much I journal or have long talks with friends. One song can unlock those parts of my heart that are desperate for healing, for the living water.

A precious sister in Christ shared this song from Kim Walker:

He is jealous for me
Love's like a hurricane, I am a tree
Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy
When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory
and I realize just how beautiful You are and how great your affections are for me.
Oh, how He loves us so
Oh, how He loves us
How He loves us so.

Yeah, He loves us
Woah, how He loves us
Woah, how He loves us
Woah, how He loves.

So we are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes
If grace is an ocean we're all sinking
So heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss and my heart turns violently inside of my chest
I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way

That he loves us,
Woah, how He loves us
Woah, how He loves us
Woah, how He loves

He loves us,
Woah, how He loves us
Woah, how He loves us
Woah, how He loves

A new thing

2008-10-14T06:06:00.011-04:00

Isaiah 43: 18-19

Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.

The wait is over. The circumstances are clear. I am leaving ABSOLUT. Effective in December, once I return home to New York City. I did not fit into the organization's future plans. Fair enough, especially when you're dealing with mergers and acquisitions. I fully respect and embrace the decisions that management has had to make during this process.

It's been an ABSOLUTely incredible journey; two years, living in three continents, traveling to many countries around the world, enjoying amazing conversations, food and drink (haha). Finding God's community and different expressions of His love in the three cities I've lived in. A physical, emotional and spiritual roller coaster. I suppose it's a good thing that I love roller coasters :)

No doubt, it has been a challenging ride. I've been "sitting" on this news for a while now, and am only free to post it now because the entire organization is finally revealed (over one month later).

I suppose the first question on everyone's mind is "How are you doing?"

I admit, when I first found out, I was extremely disappointed. All along, I was counting on this job to keep me in Hong Kong, but it became quite clear that this would not be the case. Ever since I set foot in Hong Kong over one year ago, my heart has been telling me that I need to be in Hong Kong, that it is not time for me to return to the US yet. After my boss delivered the news, my first thoughts were "How am I going to stay here? How am I going to find another job?" Big questions to process through.

Thank God for community and timing. I received the news on a Friday afternoon and I went to Flight 852 (youth group) per my usual routine. I shared the "hot off the press" news with Matt, Meg and a few others, and Pastor John, Sandra, and several of my awesome brothers and sisters in Flight prayed for me. It was also the start of a three day weekend, and the weekend of the Flight Leader's retreat, so I didn't have time to dwell on the loss b/c I was having too much fun playing basketball, swimming, eating yummy BBQ, playing games and hanging out with everyone.

Of course, I had to face the situation eventually, so I spent the rest of that week praying, journaling and seeking Him. Walking through this unexpected turn of events in faith. I realized pretty quickly that I had been trying to use my own understanding of my circumstances to walk the path I thought God wanted me to walk. I thought that God gave me the ABSOLUT job so that I could be the light in the dark world of the bars and clubs in Asia. During my quiet time with Him, He challenged me through scripture on my perspective of the situation and reassured me that I am exactly where He wants me to be. It dawned on me that perhaps God gave me the ABSOLUT job so that He could bring me to Hong Kong to do something different. Hmmm.....

Over the following weeks, I was being considered for a few jobs within the parent company in different countries (China, Australia and even in NYC), but I decided not to pursue them. God has clearly closed this door and will open a new one for me to walk through. I will obey, even though it seems strange to everyone around me and my own logical thinking.

So what's next? Go home, back to NYC, back to my family and friends. I need to spend quality time with my family. I also need rest. It's been an exhausting two years. Always moving, always adjusting to new environments. I've been through quite a few events that have stretched me beyond what I thought I could handle. Of course, God has been with me the entire time, but there are always seasons of activity and rest. I'm coming up on a season of much needed rest. I'm not actively looking for a job right now. I'm really looking forward to NOT working for a few months.

The good thing about this trip back to NYC is that I'm super excited and ready for it. I recall last year, when my Stockholm assignment had finished, and I was returning to NYC, I was not excited at all. In fact, I was miserable. I didn't want to leave Stockholm. The month I spent at home in NYC before I came to Hong Kong was fraught with internal battles and constant comparisons to my life in Stockholm. One year later, and my attitude has completely changed. I love Hong Kong as much as I love Stockholm. So what's different? The biggest change has been my relationship with Jesus. It has grown stronger and deeper over the past year, and as a result, I feel much more secure in who I am, and how God sees me. That's why I know I am exactly where I am supposed to be. I am fully confident that everything is going according to God's plan for me.

So, my last day in the Hong Kong office is 14 November. Fly back to NYC on 1 December. Then I have to go back to the NYC office and deal with termination paperwork, etc.

Of course, I am a people person, and the highlight of the past two years has been meeting and developing relationships with so many people in so many different countries all over the world. I will miss everyone in Stockholm. I'm sad that I won't get to travel to Stockholm 4x/year, but the next time I go, it will be a purely personal trip and I'll be able to spend more quality time with my friends (vs. having to work most of the time). I will also miss the people whom I have worked with in this part of the world (HK, China, Australia/NZ, Korea, Taiwan) and my family at the Vine.

I'm excited that God is doing a new thing in my life. All I need to do is obey and walk in the path He has laid out for me. I know that He will make a way for me to come back to Hong Kong and it will be the best way. So, in the words of a famous actor (now US governor)..."I'll be back."

Tragedy and Comfort

2008-08-17T10:37:00.006-04:00

It's been over one week since the news of the fatal attack on two Americans in Beijing on the opening weekend of the olympics. Over one week of grieving, praying, finding peace and strengthening my faith in the Lord.

As I was watching the olympics on TV, and the first news of the attack broke, there were very few details given. The first piece of information was they were American citizens. That really saddened me. Then the next piece of information was they were relatives of a USA Volleyball coach. At that point, my mind really started racing, wondering "Who? Which coach? The women's coach? The men's coach?" By evening, the women just started pool play against Japan and were tied at 1-1, but it was late and I had to go to sleep.

The following morning, when all the details were released, and it was the parents of a former women's team player (who is also married to the men's team head coach), I completely fell apart. This tragedy hit me particularly hard because I could relate to what the women's team was feeling. I could relate to what was going on with the players even before the media reported the story. Why? Because I used to play and coach. I love USA Volleyball. I knew how much the Bachmans meant to the women's team, because I had parents like that on the teams that I've coached. Parents who would come to every tournament, traveling all over the country to support their daughter and the team. I knew what Stacy Sykora and Logan Tom meant when they said the Bachmans were like family to them. I knew how hard it was for them to gut out the win against Japan only moments after they found out what happened. I knew what Coach Jenny Ping meant when she told the team to focus on the things they could control. Because I would have said the same things to my team if something like that happened to us. So this tragedy hit me really hard because I could relate to what was going on with the team.

Many people have said that it was a random incident, that these things just happen because it's life and life's not fair. But I believe this incident underscores the fact that there is a whole lot of evil in this world. This isn't just about life not being fair. This is about evil. Evil strikes fear and hopelessness and despair into people's hearts. Evil delights in people killing each other and themselves. Evil delights in sowing dissention and perpetuating hatred and jealousy.

With evil, you always have good (and vice versa). With darkness, you also have light. And the light in this tragedy has been God. All the way. Almost immediately after the news of this broke in the US, I saw the outpouring of prayers on the blogs and websites of USA Volleyball. I was really encouraged by this show of love and support from the Christian community. I prayed too. I cried out to Him to heal Barbara Bachman and to comfort her daughters and the team during this tragic time. I cried out to Him to use this tragedy for good. That He would make good on His promise that "In ALL things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." (Romans 8:28) The women dropped their next match to Cuba, which I wasn't surprised about. They needed time to process. But they bounced back against Venezuela and they really played their hearts out in their thrilling 3-2 win against China.

I believe that God has already shown up in a big way amongst this team - both the women and the men. I believe that He answers prayers. My heart was super heavy last Sunday as I walked into church service. But I left feeling light and encouraged. Because I was reminded of how BIG God is. I believe that He will use this to show everyone how BIG He really is. He's bigger than the seemingly senseless deaths. He is the God of the Universe. He breathed the earth into existence. He can hold the world's water in the palm of His hands. At the same time, as big as He is, He also knows the suffering and pain of each and every single child.

Praise be to God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows. (2 Corinthians 1:3-5)

I continue to pray that God will work amidst this tragedy. Praise Him that Barbara Bachman is now recovering in a hospital in Minnesota with her family by her side. Praise Him that Team USA is continuing to play well. But the goal isn't gold. The goal is God Himself. I pray that Team USA (and the world) will know God through this tragedy.

Go Team USA. Go GOD!

Waiting....

2008-06-04T19:26:00.006-04:00

I've been on secondment for about 9 months now. This assignment in Hong Kong was intended to be temporary, with an option to stay after 6 months or to go home, back to New York.

I've been literally staring the "should I stay or should I go" option in the face ever since I arrived in Hong Kong in October 2007. The circumstances surrounding my work situation have been so uncertain and unclear, I think it would drive any normal person absolutely insane. I've had 9 months to weigh my options, to have people ask me "So when are you coming back to New York? Are you staying in Hong Kong?" And my answer would always be "Well, I'd like to stay in Hong Kong, but I really can't say right now, because of all the uncertainty with the company sale, etc."

Well, 9 months later and I'm still waiting. I will probably be waiting for a few more months. The deal involving the company sale officially closes at the end of the month. But after the deal closes, there won't be a huge revelation about anything that has been uncertain for me for the past 9 months. It's only the beginning of more uncertainty. The only thing that is certain about work right now is that it will be crazy and hectic with this transition period.

So right now is the calm before the storm. Everyone in Stockholm is on vacation. The Hong Kong office is empty. And I wait....

Of course, there is one thing that is certain, unchanging and everlasting in my life. Three guesses as to what that is....:)

I thank God that He has a plan for me that is MUCH better than any plan I could ever devise for myself. Through my time here in Hong Kong, I'm learning how to trust Him more and more. Learning how to discern His will, instead of constantly running ahead of it. Every time I face yet another question about "How's the job thing going? Are you going back to New York? Are you staying in Hong Kong?" I simply answer "I don't know, but God knows, and He will reveal to me in His perfect time." That's good enough for me.

And I wait....

Mission continued....

2008-05-19T03:07:00.003-04:00

Little did I know that the Beijing Missions trip would be the "tip of the iceberg". God's been taking me on a crazy adventure, an adventure that has stretched me physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually beyond words.

Physically, I entered into a marathon travel period for work where I was literally living out of a suitcase for three straight weeks. Stockholm, Bintan, Seoul, Shanghai and Hangzhou. I looked at the calendar and calculated that I would be in HK for only 7 days out of the entire month of April. Good thing I don't have any pets to feed...I think they'd be angry with me (or dead).

Mentally, I had to prepare myself for so many different situations and scenarios. Each city and trip had its own work demand and thus interaction with different cultures and people.

Emotionally, well, whenever people are involved, I automatically get emotionally stretched. I met many new people on my travels and I saw many old friends. I experienced lots of joy and laughter and also heartbreak and sadness.

Spiritually, I entered into a new phase in my relationship with God. The call to intimacy that I received from Him during my Beijing trip has continued and has gotten much stronger. It has become one of those things where I can't get enough of Him. A sister in Christ mentioned in our small group one week that once you get a taste of the pure joy and love from being in relationship with Him, you want more and more. I used to have to force myself to read my bible and pray. But now, I yearn for quiet time with Him. I enjoy waking up early in the morning to spend time in worship, in the Word, in His presence. I find myself thinking about Him all the time, wanting to know more of Him, wanting to be in His presence. I actually like being alone now. I never used to feel that way.

May and June will be less physically demanding (fewer work trips). But I know that God will continue to stretch me in the other areas. I know that He has a plan for me. All I have to do is follow Him.

On a Mission

2008-03-29T04:38:00.013-04:00

The 2008 Vine/Beijing Missions Trip. When I think of mission, by its true definition, it involves a clear goal, rough itinerary and a generous helping of adventure. I went into my first ever missions trip with high expectations – to meet God, to know His heart – and He delivered that and much, much more.

Pre-trip activities
The briefing session with the team was great. In total, there were 45 of us. Since we were quite a large group, we were assigned into groups of 4-6 people. During the briefing session, I met my “cluster” and we had a chance to pray for each other, which was quite incredible. I love when the Holy Spirit moves amongst us while we pray. This manifested itself in a much larger way when we got together as a church to pray for each other and other people who were going on missions trips during Easter. In addition to the Beijing trip, we were sending a group to Thailand, and we also did local missions in HK, serving at St. Stephens Society with the drug addicts and feeding the street sleepers/homeless in Sham Shui Po. The church wide prayer evening was special. I had never experienced anything like it before. It was one guitar, one drum and about 100 voices, praising God and lifting our voices in prayer. Specific, powerful, anointing prayer. I began to realize how many gifts God has blessed this church with. There were so many amazing prayers, prophetic words and visions. It was during this meeting that I realized that this trip for me was specifically about establishing deeper intimacy with God. I had no idea what that would look like, but I knew I had to really prepare myself to receive Him and to hear His voice on this trip.

Highlights of the trip (there were so many, but I will share my top 3):
1) Saturday Prayer Meeting @ Beijing International Christian Fellowship (BICF)
2) Spending time with the children at the orphanage
3) Sunday Night Live @ the Centre

Saturday Prayer Meeting @ BICF
I learned about the tremendous power of prayer – personal, corporate and intercessory. After a full day of running carnival activities for the local community, I was exhausted. The original plan was to have the Vine band only go to the BICF prayer meeting in the evening, but our pastor decided that all of us would go. He knew we were all exhausted, but that was a perfect reason for us to go; to pray and get refreshed. So off we went, 45 strong, into center of Beijing to participate in this meeting. The amazing thing about traveling with 45 Christians whose hearts are focused on Him is that you feel and see the manifest presence of God in that place. The minute we walked into the meeting room, you could feel Him there. And when we started worship, I could tell that something special was going to happen. Churches from all nations gathered in that room; praising God, worshipping Him in song and prayer. We were all praying for Beijing and China, and when I tell you that there was an electric atmosphere, I am not exaggerating. Everyone in the room felt it. God was present in that room, and we know that our prayers will be answered in a really amazing way.

Spending time at a local orphanage
The organization that we traveled to Beijing to support is an amazing one. They work with the Chinese government to train local orphanages on how to place children in foster care with local Chinese families. Their vision is to place 1 million children who are currently in orphanages into local Chinese families by 2010. They recently placed 200,000...well on their way to achieving the vision! We visited one of the orphanages that was a brand new partnership. It was a 3 hour bus ride outside of Beijing, in a city that reminded me of Beijing 10 years ago; still developing and modernizing, but quite “rough”. The orphanage housed children with special needs – babies and young children ages 2-4. When we got there, my heart melted. I had never spent time with children with special needs. But I knew that God was with them. I could see that His love was shining inside of them. It was great, when we descended on the orphanage, 45 strong. It didn't matter that most of us couldn't speak the language. We all spoke the universal language of laughter and love, so we got along just fine. We played with the children for an hour or so; the adult to child ratio was 3:1, so they definitely got heaps of attention from us during that short time period. This experience gave me a new perspective on God. His heart is for the weak and the poor, the lonely, lost and broken. When I think about how society shuns these children with special needs, my heart breaks. They need love as much as we do. They have an amazing capacity to love; sometimes I think even more than us.

Sunday Night Live
Sunday night was an evening of local outreach. The great thing about my church is that we have such and awesome band. They are so talented; it’s always a real treat to hear them play every Sunday and even more of a treat to hear them play outside of church. We invited the local community kids and people we met at BICF Sunday services to join us in an evening of music and fellowship. While I witnessed the power of corporate prayer during the BICF meeting on Saturday night, I witnessed the power of intercessory prayer on Sunday night. To be honest, this type of prayer has always been an area where I was unsure of myself. I was afraid of praying for people because I was always afraid of saying the wrong thing, or being too generic, or imposing on others. During Sunday Night Live, I realized how much God needs us to be His hands and feet in this area. I could see the pain that people were in. All they needed was a word from God. So I followed His direction to pray over people that night. I really felt His heart while ministering to His people.

I’ve prayed some dangerous prayers over the past few months “Break my heart for what breaks yours” “Open up my eyes to the things unseen” “Show me how to love like you loved me” “Jesus Christ, take my life, take all of me” “I’ll stand, with arms high and heart abandoned”. So, I knew that this would be an experience where He would answer my prayers, where I would move into a level of greater intimacy with Him. I’ve often used my earthly relationships as proxies for how I view and interact with God (earthly parents, friends, significant others). So all of my previous relationships had limits. Most relationships do. Up until this point, I've been getting used to the idea that He's my Father, who longs to lavish His fatherly love on me. And I understand what it means to be a friend of Jesus, but I really had no clue what it means for Jesus to be my husband/bridegroom. My pastor (in NYC) once preached a sermon on the true bridegroom. Using Hosea 3 and Isaiah 54:5-8 as scripture references, he said that marriage is a relationship of priority, intimacy and life changing potency.

God has been revealing all of this to me through a “dating” period (my assignment in Sweden, recent trips back to Stockholm, hiking in HK, B2C retreat, every time I take the tram, moments of solitude). God wants me to know Jesus as my husband. In Beijing, I finally let go of an earthly relationship that was hindering my ability to fully embrace this. I was already in the process of letting it go, but it became quite clear to me how I allowed this person to take His rightful place in my heart. I know He is truly everything my heart desires and more. After all, this journey of being a Christian is about a personal relationship with Him; knowing His heart and allowing Him to transform me.

I experienced such a closeness with God on this trip, a closeness I had not felt since my summer days in Stockholm. But this feeling is different. I'm beginning to know Him. We're spending more quality time together. I'm sharing more with Him, I'm talking to Him more in prayer, I'm listening more. We're deepening our relationship and I feel an incredible sense of joy and peace from it. The beauty is that I know it will only grow deeper over time if I make it a priority. Like any relationship, I need to make Him a priority in my life in order for it to work. And it's worth it. If what I've been feeling lately is any indication of what it's like to be in an eternal, everlasting, loving relationship, it is really worth it...:)

New wineskins

2008-03-01T19:07:00.006-05:00

I realize that the last post was a little "intense". Actually, it seems like the last few posts have been about me struggling with something, and usually accompanied by crying. I guess I want people to understand that being a Christian isn't easy, especially when you become serious about following Jesus, taking up your cross and following Jesus. You learn quickly it's not going to be an easy journey. Being a Christian is not about going to church on Sundays, singing a few songs, listening to a sermon that makes you feel warm and fuzzy (btw, most good sermons are not supposed to make you feel good, they're supposed to challenge you, in a good way), giving a few dollars to the various church ministries, memorizing bible verses that help you deal with life.

When I ask God to send in the bunker busters, He will do it. It's a dangerous prayer. Yes. Some people think I'm crazy. Oh well. I guess I'm that desperate, that hungry for Him. Because I know my life before I was a Christian. I know the feelings of abandonment, feeling ignored; always needing to prove myself, needing to be perfect so I can feel loved, so I would be noticed. Looking great on "paper" - great education, great jobs. Living the "American Dream". But nothing ever fully satisfied me. So when Jesus came into my life, I cried out for Him. I was willing to lay down my old life for Him b/c I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. I needed what He was offering. Love. Unconditional love. The kind of love that makes your heart sing...always..24-7..365 days of the year.

My week started off with a whirlwind trip to Taiwan. It was the usual packed schedule - first flight in the morning, land in Taipei and head to a quick lunch, followed by a few hours of meetings, dinner, hop on the high speed train to Taichung, bar visits until 1AM. Next day, visits to the liquor stores, supermarkets, and then travel back to Taipei for more meetings and the last flight back to HK. It was technically only two days/one night, but it felt much, much longer. Trains, planes, and automobiles. Lots of traveling.

The second half of the week was much different. We had Jackie Pullinger speaking at the Vine on Thursday, Friday, Saturday, doing a special teaching series on ministering with the poor. I knew I was in for a super duper God sized treat. She also spoke at the Vine on Sunday, before I left for my trip to Taiwan. I broke down in tears, again. Lots of healing going on. When you accept Jesus as your savior, He gives you a new heart. The old heart needs to go. The bible uses a metaphor - wineskins - to describe the heart.

Matthew 9:17
And no one puts new wine into old wineskins. For the old skins would burst from the pressure, spilling the wine and ruining the skins. New wine is stored in new wineskins so that both are preserved.

Thursday, Friday and Saturday teachings by Jackie Pullinger were like new wine pouring into my new wineskin. God has used her in a mighty way to minister with the poor and weak. She's "famous" for her work in Hong Kong, helping drug addicts and the poor change their lives through Jesus. Incredible testimonies. Stories that make you go "WOW...no way!" Stories and people that make you go "I want to know Jesus the way you know Him". Because the real story to me wasn't the miracle of people getting off drugs pain free, the real story was seeing God's heart. I saw God's heart in Jackie Pullinger. I saw God's heart in the people who were saved from a life of poverty and drug addiction and human slavery. God's heart is for the poor, the weak and the lost. It's all over the bible. You want to see God? Go to the poor and the weak. Bring Jesus to them. Not just your money. You. Jesus in You.

This whole process of becoming new has been so amazing. So many moments of incredible pain and incredible joy. They go hand in hand. I'm beginning to truly understand how much God loves me. He loves me so much that He won't leave me the way I was when I first met Him. The pain happens when God breaks my old heart. When I said "Yes, I want you in my life", He made a promise. He made a promise to give me a new wineskin. Not new wine in an old wineskin, because the new wine would burst the old wineskin. He promised to give me a new heart....His heart.

Bunker Busters

2008-02-03T07:40:00.000-05:00

I was watching National Geographic the other day and there was a program on Operation Iraqi Freedom, how it was choreographed and executed. I didn't watch the whole thing, but I managed to sit through the section on the high tech weaponry that illustrated the advancement of warfare since the last major US offensive in Operation Desert Storm.

They were called "Bunker Busters". Designed to penetrate hardened targets, or targets buried deep underground. Pretty impressive piece of artillery, I'd have to say.

I've been on the road for the past two weeks, traveling for business. Being on the road is tough for me. While I travel to lots of "fun" places, my schedule is quite grueling. All day meetings, dinners, trade visits at night. Always having to be "on", mentally, emotionally, and physically, b/c we're working with our local teams to discuss issues, solve problems, create plans.

So when I got back from my whirlwind trip to Stockholm, London and China a few days ago, I knew I needed some refreshment. Even as I was journaling, I felt somewhere in my heart that I was due for a good cry. An emotional release. Something.

I knew that I would get that at church. Two services. Double the worship time, double the message, double the portion of the Holy Spirit. But I didn't realize that God would send a bunker buster into my heart in the second service. The message this month has been about receiving blessings in our lives so we can bless others. There are key stages in our lives, key life questions that need to be answered. When we don't get answers to those questions, we get stuck. And being "stuck" hinders our ability to fully embrace God's blessings and allow the power of those blessings to be released in our lives. I got stuck in my teen years. And I realized how much I still needed to be healed. I created that bunker deep inside my heart a long time ago. I've allowed the Enemy to bury his lies in that bunker. I've spent the past 4 years as a Christian allowing God to do His work to clear the surface from all Enemy minefields, but that bunker needed to be destroyed.

And so, during the ending song at service, after we received our blessings, the bunker buster hit its target. And out came the tears...I was crying so hard, I couldn't breathe. It was the emotional release I needed. I knew I needed it. God knew. Which is why He prepared me for it. He sent His bunker buster into my heart, at this time, in this place, knowing I have the support of this church and the people in it. Knowing that He's preparing me so He can release His full blessings in my life so I can, in turn, bless others He puts in my life. Because that's how much He loves me. He's been so patient with me, so tender, and firm. He knows how much I've been hurting, and He knows exactly what I need to move on. He has humbled me and He has affirmed me in double portions. That's why I can completely break down before Him and feel safe and okay. Because I have the full assurance that I will be okay. He is doing a work in me that He will not stop until He's finished. How do I know this?

Paul prayed in Philippians 1: 4-6

In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

That is the prayer I received from one of my sisters at the Vine as I left the building. There was no way I could even tell her what was going on, what I was struggling with, what the service unearthed in my heart. But the beauty of the Body of Christ is that she didn't have to know. All she did was pray that prayer for me. And that meant a lot to me. I know I still have to follow up on this. Not sure how many other bunkers there are in my life. But I know I'm on my way, the process continues. With God and His children in my life, I know that I will find my way.

So I ask God to bring on the bunker busters. Impressive pieces of artillery...:)

What it all means

2007-12-25T13:38:00.000-05:00

"The incarnation means that for whatever reason God chose to let us fall into a condition of being limited, to suffer, to be subject to sorrows and death - he has nonetheless had the honesty and the courage to take his own medicine....He himself has gone through the whole of human experience - from the trivial irritations of family life and the cramping restrictions of hard work and lack of money to the worst horrors of pain and humiliation, defeat, despair, and death....He was born in poverty and...suffered infinite pain - all for us - and thought it was well worth his while." - Dorothy Sayers

I've been a Christian almost four years now, and I've always struggled with Christmas. I struggled a lot with the "meaning". I know that Christmas is the day of Jesus' birth -- but I was missing something; I wasn't moved by it. Easter always moves me. Jesus on the Cross moves me. But Christmas...not so much. Why doesn't Jesus' birth move me the way his death did? I had always associated Christmas with stress. It was a time for family gathering (but always deteriorated into some argument over something silly) and gift giving (I do not enjoy Christmas shopping at all, and I would receive gifts I didn't know what to do with). So it wasn't a truly "happy" holiday for me; I got lost in the commercialism of it. I actually preferred Thanksgiving, b/c at least I knew that I needed to be thankful during that time.

Before I came back to the US for the holiday season, I asked one of my sisters at the Vine to pray for me about this. And God really answered. On the only Sunday I was back at Redeemer, the message of Christmas was spot on and went straight to my heart. For the first time, I began to understand what it all means. For the first time, I was moved by the wonder of our Lord and Savior's birth. Tim Kellar always talks about the Gospel impact on the heart; moving from mere head knowledge to true transformation of the heart. It's hard to explain with words, but once you experience it, you understand.

This Christmas season has been filled with family gathering that was happy, not stressful, and gift giving that was thoughtful and practical. But most important, I finally "get it". God had to come into this world in the flesh to make it all right again. He came into this world, born in a manger, in a small nothing town called Bethlehem. He came into this world to die, for me, because He loved me so much.

Counting it all joy

2007-12-10T09:50:00.000-05:00

Life happens. But no matter how many times I hear it, see it, experience it, when I'm in it, it is my reality. I am in the thick of it and I am fully raw and exposed. A few days later, with time, distance and counsel from close friends, it becomes a distant memory, as the healing begins. Again. And again.

You see, life always happens. I find myself going through these cycles of raw pain. A journey through the valleys and mountains that expose my weaknesses time and time again. I wonder if I will ever truly "be done" with this growing process.

But then I think about this process, and I realize that the neatest part about it, this process of being a child of God, is that when I find myself in the thick of what I feel like is the absolute worst I can possibly feel, I turn to Him. I cry, I throw things, but I turn to Him. I remember why I turned to Him for salvation. I'm living for eternity, not for anything or anyone in this world. And that brings a comfort and peace like no other.

I've found a great community in The Vine church here in Hong Kong. During a weekly small group, we open up with a "weather update". We describe our week using weather terms (sunny, partly cloudy, stormy, etc.). In the past few weeks, I've experienced a lot of variable weather. I would say mostly sunny, but a lot of patchy clouds and I definitely weathered a big storm. But through it all, God has been tremendously faithful. Always faithful. I've found incredible favor with my work situation here in Hong Kong. I've received confirmation from Him that He wants me here for a longer period of time because my assignment has been extended. However, the future isn't crystal clear; the forecast calls for a bit of haze. But He has been orchestrating every step of my journey. With Him in the driver's seat, how can I possibly go wrong?

Making adjustments

2007-11-16T20:25:00.000-05:00

My trip to Australia and New Zealand was amazing. I always had a sense that those two places were FAR from NY, but they are really FAR from everywhere else in the world, even Hong Kong. I took a 9 hour overnight flight and then pretty much hit the ground running. We arrived at our hotel, checked in, I took a shower and then went straight into meetings, which I kicked off with 2 presentations. Yep, right into the deep end of the pool. It was like groundhog day all week. Meetings all day, one hour rest, and then dinner with the team until close to midnight. The time difference was also pretty wacky – because of the daylight savings time change, we jumped ahead in Australia by one hour (now 3 hours ahead of HK) and Stockholm fell back an additional hour (HK now 7 hours ahead of Stockholm), which meant I had to do some serious mental gymnastics to figure out what time it was anywhere in the world. And then we traveled to New Zealand later that week, which was 2 hours ahead of Australia, which meant 5 hours ahead of HK. I felt like I was in the farthest place on God’s green earth. And I had a blast. I loved meeting and interacting with the teams. I ate a classic Aussie “meat pie”. I got up close and personal with the Sydney Opera House. We laughed a lot over the way Aussies pronounce certain words, like aluminum and oregano. Hard to explain on a blog. You just have to take my word for it.

Sydney, Australia

Auckland, New Zealand

While the trip was exciting and packed with activity, I really missed having time to myself. If I wasn’t in a meeting or eating meals with the team, I was sleeping. The schedule eventually took its toll on me. Even my boss could tell I was dragging by the end of the week. We all were. I’m sure the time difference affected us as well. But it wasn’t the physical aspect of the trip that was difficult. It was missing community and missing time with God.

It really hit me when I got back to Hong Kong. I thought I was going to sleep all weekend, but much to my chagrin, I got up early Saturday morning and was wide awake all day. So my body readjusted quickly to Hong Kong time, yay. But my soul and spirit did not. Mindy and Jason were in Singapore for the weekend, so I couldn’t hang out with them to recharge my batteries. That’s when the wave of loneliness came. The funny thing is, I didn’t even realize it at the time. I was in full “coping” mode. I thought that going to two church services on Sunday would help. I found myself reciting my mantra “I have community in Hong Kong, Mindy and Jason are here, I’m going to a great church, I have family here, I’m doing fine.” But I wasn’t doing fine. I was trying to convince myself that I had already fully adjusted to living in Hong Kong. Always the ambitious one, aren’t I?

Denial is such a powerful thing. We use it to cover up the ugliness, to overlook those things that shouldn’t be overlooked. We make excuses, we see the things we want to see through our rose colored glasses. We convince ourselves that we’re okay, when we’re really not.

After the second church service on Sunday, I realized that I was in denial. First, I needed to admit it to myself. I was feeling lonely. I had no community outside of Mindy and Jason and I hadn’t really connected with anyone else at their church yet; I was still quite “new”. I had to re-calibrate my expectations. Hong Kong is not Stockholm. Whereas I found instant community in Stockholm within two weeks of attending Immanuel, I realize that it may take more time for me to find community in Hong Kong. I realized that I would have to attend a different church from Mindy and Jason. I would need to be sensitive to God’s plans for me here, instead of trying to force fit something because of my pre-existing assumptions. The temptation would be to stay at Mindy and Jason’s church because of our friendship.

Through all of this, God has been faithful to provide me with the right church at each stage of my walk. When I first became a Christian, He led me to Redeemer to give me a good foundation in the Gospel through Tim Kellar’s teaching. He then led me to Immanuel to give me a taste of amazing and diverse Christian community; that is how I imagine Heaven to be – filled with people from all nations, all backgrounds. Right now, I feel like He’s leading me to a more spirit-filled church. We’ll see where I end up. It’s been an interesting reflection process the past few days.

Of course, I’ve only been here one month. Not a lot of time has passed. And yet it seems like it’s been a long time because of what I’ve experienced already. The pace of this city is staggering, sometimes overwhelming. I really have to actively fight for my quiet time with God. Again, very different from Stockholm, where it was much easier to find that time with Him. So I re-calibrate and manage my expectations. But with every experience, every truth that is revealed in my life, I claim a victory that brings me closer to God, which is the reason why I’m in Hong Kong. How will this experience bring me closer to God? How will this experience further transform my heart?

Honky Kong

2007-10-19T20:25:00.000-04:00

So every place has it's own nickname. NYC is the Big Apple, Stockholm is Stocktown. Hong Kong is Honky Kong. Don't ask me where it comes from, I just got here.

Where do I even start? This place has an energy like no other. I've grown up in NYC and lived there all of my life. And I always thought no other city could rival NY in terms of energy. Well, I was wrong. Honky Kong is a city that doesn't sleep or stop working. It's incredibly densely populated; makes NY midtown during the day look like a vacation/empty streets. NY has fleets of yellow taxis, HK has fleets of red taxis. So I feel right at home. The only real difference is that everyone looks like me. It's literally a sea of Asian people. To be honest, outside of growing up in NYC's Chinatown, I've never been part of the majority before. So it's an interesting feeling to not look like the odd person out. Of course, when I open my mouth, people realize I'm not from these parts, but at least initially, I seem to fit in better. I think what also helps is that I've been here before many times in my life - visiting relatives, passing through from trips to China. So there's a definite familiar feeling about this place. A welcome home of sorts.

Things I love about Honky Kong so far:

1) Food - after spending 4 months in Sweden without having a lot of Asian food options, I find myself in THE MECCA for Asian food. I can get whatever I want - Thai, Vietnamese, Indonesian, Malaysian, Cantonese, Japanese, Philippino, etc., etc. The number of restaurants per city block is staggering.

2) Transportation - HK has a great metro system. But I live in an area that isn't on the main MTR line, so I end up having to take a bus to work everyday. My absolutely FAVORITE thing to do is to take the Tram, which is called "Ding Ding" by the locals (presumably because it makes the 'ding ding' noise when it stops). It's basically a double-decker cable car like those found in San Francisco. And it is dirt cheap. A single ride costs $2.00HKD, which translates to $0.25USD. I've been riding it everywhere since I've been here. Super convenient and the best way to see all the neighborhoods in HK.

3) Church - God really knows how to take care of me. I went to the church that Mindy and Jason go to and I felt right at home. It's different from my home church, but I firmly believe that God has the perfect church designed for me wherever I go in the world. I think about my experience in Sweden, and I am amazed at how well He knows me and provides the best church home for me at that moment. I LOVE the music at this church, and music has a pretty huge impact on my overall church experience. And He has connected me with a sister who used to go to Immanuel in Stockholm who is now living in HK. We both ended up at the same church completely unplanned. It was super cool to talk to her about everyone back in Sweden and all the Swedish things we loved that no one here could possibly understand....:)

4) Work - It's been pretty intense from the very first minute, but also very exciting. It's a huge learning curve and I realize how dynamic things are going to be, since I will be dealing with four different countries, all with their own unique business dynamics and local team personalities. Definitely challenging and I am up for it. Already traveling to China, Australia and Taiwan within the next few weeks. I had to get additional pages in my passport to accommodate all the visas and country stamps I will be collecting along my travels. Pretty crazy.

All in all, it's only been a short time since I've been here, but there hasn't been a dull moment. I feel so blessed to have such diverse living experiences - NYC, Stockholm, and now HK. Each place is unique and has provided me with special experiences. Who knows what's in store for me here in Honky Kong. Guess we'll have to find out!

The end of a chapter

2007-09-30T09:20:00.001-04:00

I recently decided to download Coldplay's album X&Y from iTunes. When I got to the song "Fix You", I started crying. Songs always do that to me. Unexpectedly. Whatever the song is, the combination of music and lyrics unlock a secret chamber in my heart that needs healing.

When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse.

When the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
"Just what your worth"

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream, down on your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face and I...

Tears stream, down on your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face and I...

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you.

I first heard this song when Mindy and Julie sang it at karaoke during Mindy's last weekend in NYC. So listening to it again reminded me of them and how much I miss them.

The past few days have been about putting the finishing touches on this latest chapter of my life journey. Friday was my last day at the NY office. Yesterday was the last session I had with my spiritual coach. Over the next 10 days, I will be saying goodbye to my friends and family in NY. I'm not sure what awaits me in Hong Kong, but I have a good feeling about it. I know I'm in good hands. I don't feel nearly as anxious as I felt before I left for Sweden. I already have a community in Hong Kong -- Mindy is there. I'm so excited to see her. Excited beyond words.

So, as usual, I'm a ball of emotions right now. Reflecting on an amazing year of personal and professional growth, preparing to say goodbye again -- this time, for a longer period of time. Honestly, I don't think I'm coming back to NY for a while. Anything can happen, but my heart is telling me I will be somewhere else in the world for another year or two. And I'm okay with that. I never thought I'd ever leave NY, but sometimes you outgrow your life. I'm ready for new challenges and experiences. I'm ready to explore everything that is outside my comfort zone. It's time to move on to a new chapter in my life. A chapter that has already been written, but for me to discover and read for the first time. And if it's anything like the chapters I have already read (lived), I know it's going to be a good one...:)

Lights will guide me home
And ignite my bones
And [God] will fix me

He's been guiding me. He's ignited my heart. He's been healing me. He's got me wherever I go. He's so amazing..:)

Things that make you smile

2007-09-18T23:13:00.000-04:00

I went to a college volleyball match and finally saw my volleyball people; the people who I practically spent 24-7 for six months with before I left for Sweden - in the gym training our girls, spending every weekend on the road at a tournament, on the phone constantly talking about practice plans, team issues, life lessons, picking apart every win and every loss. Celebrating progress. Struggling with loss. Being humble and patient in defeat. It was good to see my volleyball people....:)

The thing that brought the biggest smile to my face was seeing one of my former players. She's a freshman in college now. She played well. I was really proud of her. I remember when she first came to tryouts last November. Shy, didn't talk much. Was very cautious, even tentative at times. But really physically gifted. All she needed was time. I watched her grow and struggle over the course of the season. I remember thinking...I wish I had more time with her....if only I had more time....

Flash forward four months later. I noticed the difference right away. She was loud, she was active, she was aggressive. Yea....that time really helped. I knew she had it in her, she just needed more time to bring it out. She still has room to grow but what I saw really put a smile on my face and warmed my heart. That's why I coach. That's why I spend 24-7 for six months out of the year, every free weekend in a gym or on the road. Because it's worth it for moments like this. Even though I finish every season always thinking "If only I had more time...", I know that everything works out.

Beth Moore puts it perfectly. "Everything is made beautiful in its time".

I left my heart in Stockholm

2007-09-02T12:19:00.000-04:00

Saying goodbye sucks. It really does. But it's part of life. We have to do it all the time. Every time I say goodbye, I grieve. My heart aches because of the void I know I will feel when I will no longer be able to hang out regularly with the people I have grown to love.

I was trying to prepare myself for my last Sunday in Stockholm. I was trying to be emotionally strong about my imminent departure. With my friends at Immanuel, I said stuff like "Hey, we have eternity together (as brothers and sisters in Christ)" or "I'll definitely see you again b/c I have to come back to Stockholm for business". All are truths that I believe for sure, but God wouldn't let me run away from the ache this time. The floodgates opened the minute I stepped into the service and it didn't stop until I left church on Sunday.

I am a relationship person. I love people. I love getting to know them. Some people get their kicks from exercise, partying, riding rollercoasters, surfing, hiking up a mountain, shopping for shoes, etc. I get high when I connect with someone on a deeper level. It's been an intense month for me. Deepening friendships, encouraging, supporting, laughing, grieving with them, so many "emotional" things.

So I guess I shouldn't be surprised that I've been riding an emotional rollercoaster since I've been back in the US. On the one hand, happy to be home, to see my family, play with my nephews, catch up with my friends from Redeemer, my friends from work. On the other hand, missing Stockholm terribly, missing my friends from Immanuel, my friends from work. I have spent the last few days in Ft. Lauderdale for work, putting in long hours. The only real bright spot was being able to stay at a nice hotel on the beach. On a morning when I was really struggling with being away from Stockholm, I ended up taking a walk on the beach. It definitely provided me comfort.

I've been struggling with the idea of "home". Where is "home" for me anyway? Is it here in NYC? Hong Kong? Stockholm? One of the reasons why I was so sad to leave Stockholm was because I didn't want my love affair with God to end. He and I have had such an amazing time together; Stockholm will forever be etched into my memory as the special time and place where God really revealed Himself to me; His glory, His beauty, His love. There were so many moments where I felt His love reflected to me in other people and where I reflected His love to His people. It was a real love fest. And I didn't even meet a boy...LOL! All of this was Him and Him alone. So when I ask myself where "home" really is, I realize that home is where the heart is, which is in Him. I am truly home when I am in Him.

Of course, I still grieve whenever I have to say goodbye. It will always suck. But I get my second wind whenever I think of Him. Because I don't have to say goodbye to Him, He's always with me. He always brings me through the sadness. I've been going through a lot of transitions over the past year. New job, new experiences, new friends, new countries, cultures. Through all of that, He's been with me. He will always be with me. I know it down into the deepest depths of my heart and soul.

My next adventure.....

2007-08-23T12:19:00.000-04:00

HONG KONG!!!!!!

(pinch me)

I'm going to Hong Kong.....for a 6 month work assignment as a Marketing Manager for the Asia Pacific region with V&S Absolut Spirits.

(can somebody please pinch me?)

I have to PRAISE GOD for this amazing opportunity...:)

So I'm back in the US on September 8/9 ish (have to buy my ticket now) and I plan to leave for Hong Kong in October.

(did someone pinch me yet?)

I promise to post something a little more thoughtful, but I just needed to get this one out there.

YAY!

Reflections

2007-08-06T14:53:00.001-04:00

A few days ago, it hit me that I would be leaving Sweden soon. And I got sad. The kind of sadness that I'm very familiar with. The most recent time I felt it acutely was when my Downstate girls lost in the semifinals of the National Bid tournament at the end of April. We were supposed to win. I was counting on seeing them again in July in Minneapolis. I promised them I would fly back from Sweden, just for that tournament. I had practically booked my flight already. So when we lost, those plans changed. I was devastated. And then it hit me; my season with them would end at Regionals, one week later. Only one week left with the 11 incredible young women I spent most of my free hours and weekends for six months with. We had a lot of great memories and experiences during that time. I didn't want to leave. I knew I would miss them terribly.

So when I started reflecting on my experience in Sweden and realized that I would be leaving soon, I got sad. Again. I thought about all of the friendships that I have made over this time, remembering all the great moments and experiences, remembering this time of incredible personal growth and healing, knowing I would miss the people here. I've only recently started to feel completely at home. I have found a work community and church community. In a country whose people have a reputation for being "closed and reserved", I found community. God has been so faithful to me in the face of my biggest fears about coming to Sweden. He’s given me a community here; a vibrant, loving community.

This past weekend was all about growing deeper roots in my community. On Friday, I went to Uppsala with a friend from church and her sister who was visiting from out of town. We went to visit a friend of ours from church who is studying at the seminary school there. We walked all over town and then went back to his dorm and had an awesome jam session – he’s an amazingly talented musician and he shared several pieces of music he wrote. We also sang worship music; we were totally rocking out. The Holy Spirit was definitely in the room with us during the jam session. It was an amazing feeling and so much fun! Then on Saturday, I attended a wedding at my church. It was a beautiful ceremony on a beautiful day. I got a chance to bond with more people from church. After the ceremony, I hung out with two of the youth leaders and we had a really great conversation about life and relationships. I really connected with one of them and we were both thinking to ourselves, why did we only start talking now, when I am leaving in one month? Then on Sunday, after church, a few of us went to lunch and ended up in one of Stockholm’s beautiful parks. We laid out in the lush green grass on a perfect summer day in Sweden and talked about life and God's vision - for us as individuals and for His church.

Three FULL days with my church community...it was so awesome. Definitely filled my spiritual tank - overflowing to the point where I was on Skype with one of my girlfriends this morning and she mentioned I had a “glow” about me because I was filled with so much joy from hanging out with my brothers and sisters in Christ.

Before I came to Sweden, I wasn't sure how I was going to react at my last volleyball tournament with my girls. I remember being on the verge of tears every time I thought about that moment - the last whistle, the last point. But it was interesting. The last point came, the tournament ended, and I didn't cry. I almost did, but the flood never came. I remember feeling a sense of peace. It was as though God put His hand on my heart and said "It's okay. Your time here is done. It's time to move on to the next thing I have planned for you." I feel that way now about my experience here. I know I will be sad, maybe to the point of tears, but I already feel God putting His hand on my heart, saying "It's okay. Your time here is done. It's time to move on to the next thing I have planned for you.”

Sisters

2007-08-05T02:35:00.001-04:00

4 time zones

NYC, Los Angeles, Hong Kong, Sweden

4 sisters united by a common faith

I am amazed by the power of community, that it can span the world, across time zones.
I am amazed by technology (Skype) that allows people to talk throughout the world, across time zones…FOR FREE.
I am amazed by how God has brought together four unique individuals from different backgrounds to share each other’s life journey and burdens.
I am amazed by how God is using us to minister to each other, to support each other, to sharpen each other, to speak truth in love to each other.

I am amazed......

Utö

2007-07-16T12:44:00.000-04:00

I’ve been in Sweden now for 2.5 months. Already halfway through my assignment. I’ve seen many amazing places, met some amazing people, experienced some amazing things. And in the process, I’ve learned a lot more about myself.

This past Saturday, I went out to the Swedish archipelago. The weather has been quite unpredictable lately, but Saturday was forecast to be a banner day – sunny skies and 70. My work colleague and I were supposed to go to Utö, an island in the Swedish archipelago. The plan was to meet at the boats early in the morning. Unfortunately, she overslept and wasn’t able to make it. But I decided to go anyway.

It was a 7 hour roundtrip ferry ride – 3.5 hours there, 3.5 hours back. That left me with 3 hours to hang out on the island.

Anyone who knows me well would be amazed that I agreed to go on this trip alone. In the past, if had a choice on how I could spend my free time, I always chose an activity with friends/family over doing something by myself. Something about being alone scared me to death. That’s why the idea of coming to Sweden freaked me out so much (as I mentioned in my earlier entries) - away from family, friends, people I knew. Far from my community, my comfort zone.

Typically, when I find myself wrestling with issues, I turn to close friends for counsel and comfort. Usually that does the trick. So when I was experiencing challenges last week, I called my buddies and they were great and supportive. Our conversations were tremendously helpful, a source of clarity and greater understanding. But I knew it would only be a short-term solution. This time, I realized that no amount of talking with my friends over skype or email or instant messenger would fill the ache that I was feeling in my heart.

That’s why I needed this trip. 12+ hours by myself. No traveling buddies, no internet, no conversations. Just me and God. The ferry ride was breathtaking. We passed by so many beautiful islands along the archipelago. The weather was perfect. I listened to worship music on my iPod and sat on the boat deck soaking in God’s creation. Even on the island, I was embraced by nature. I spent the 3 hours in between the roundtrip ferry ride walking through the woods and hanging out on rocks by the water. The trip completely erased any thought or memory of the past week and replaced it with awe, wonder, and an incredible sense of peace. It was just what I needed. This place, Sweden, is exactly what I need right now in my life.

I know that God brought me here for a reason. Outside of the obvious professional enrichment aspect, this has been a very special personal journey. The past weekend was a reminder of what He’s trying to do in my heart. In the past, every time I felt the ache, I always filled it with some sort of activity. Now I ask myself - Is God enough for me? Or will I fill the ache with other things/people/activity?

Right now, as I write this blog entry, God is enough for me. But I have to make that choice everyday. Yes, everyday. I’ve lived 30 years choosing other things/people/activity over God. So I can’t realistically expect myself to automatically choose God everyday, right? I love the way that Bono (U2) puts it:

“At the center of all religions is the idea of Karma. You know, what you put out comes back to you: an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, or in physics—in physical laws—every action is met by an equal or an opposite one. It’s clear to me that Karma is at the very heart of the Universe. I’m absolutely sure of it. And yet, along comes this idea called Grace to upend all that “as you reap, so will you sow” stuff. Grace defies reason and logic. Love interrupts, if you like, the consequences of your actions, which in my case is very good news indeed, because I’ve done a lot of stupid stuff.” -Bono

Ahhh…..Grace. I still struggle with knowing what that is, what it looks like, how to extend it to others. God extended His grace to me this weekend. Praise Him. I’m not perfect. Not by a long shot. I still have a lot of growing to do.

Once you were dead because of your disobedience and your many sins. You used to live in sin, just like the rest of the world, obeying the devil—the commander of the powers in the unseen world. He is the spirit at work in the hearts of those who refuse to obey God. All of us used to live that way, following the passionate desires and inclinations of our sinful nature. By our very nature we were subject to God’s anger, just like everyone else.

But God is so rich in mercy, and he loved us so much, that even though we were dead because of our sins, he gave us life when he raised Christ from the dead. (It is only by God’s grace that you have been saved!) For he raised us from the dead along with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms because we are united with Christ Jesus. So God can point to us in all future ages as examples of the incredible wealth of his grace and kindness toward us, as shown in all he has done for us who are united with Christ Jesus.

God saved you by his grace when you believed. And you can’t take credit for this; it is a gift from God. Salvation is not a reward for the good things we have done, so none of us can boast about it. For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.

Ephesians 2:1-10 (NLT)

So I will live to love you, I will live to bring you praise, I will live a child in awe of you. You alone are God of all, you alone are worthy Lord, and in all I am my soul will bless your name. – "Till I See You" Hillsong London

Praise God.

Kickball - Updated

2007-07-05T16:04:00.000-04:00

*Edited b/c video clip is no longer available

We watched another short video from the Nooma series on Wednesday night at church. Rob Bell's son becomes enamored with a small toy at a mall, at first saying he wants it, and when he doesn't get the desired response, he begins to insist that he "needs" it, in the way only a 2 year old can express himself. Rob tries to reason with his son, telling him that this toy is way too complicated and not worth buying, but he won't let it go.

Have you ever had that feeling of "needing" something so badly that you'd be so devastated if you didn't get it?

Yea, right....I know that feeling well.

So Rob sweeps his cranky and upset son out of the mall and to the car. Little does the son know that Rob is going to make good on this experience in another way. Rob and his wife had been talking about getting their son a kickball, because all kids have a kickball. They go to the sporting goods store, where there's a huge wall of kickballs, all different colors. And Rob says to his son, "Pick one". And the son says "I want the owange one".

Rob's son clutches the "owange" kickball proudly, all the way to the register.

The point here is that Rob wasn't giving in to his son's demands or his "needs". He planned a long time ago to get this kickball for his son. This was his special gift to his son. Sometimes God says "no" to our "needs", but that doesn't mean He doesn't love us, or have something more special in store for us. Because He loves us and wants to give us everything we desire....it's just that He knows what's best for us, and we don't.

Some of the questions we discussed afterwards:

Have you ever been mad at God for not giving you what you asked for? Is it ok to be mad at God? Is it ok to question God?

If you got everything you asked for in life, do you think that you'd be happy?

Can you think of a time, or experience in life where it was clear to you that God really did come through for you?

There has been a bible verse that has been popping up everywhere for me these past few years, especially since I've been here in Sweden.

"I know what I'm doing I have it all planned out - plans to take care of you, not to abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for. When you call on me, when you come to pray to me, I'll listen. When you come looking for me, you'll find me. Yes, when you get serious about finding me and want it more than anything else, I'll make sure you won't be disappointed."
Jeremiah 29:11-14

I believe God is good. I really do....:)