Well, it’s about that time of the month again, folks! Coming hot off the printing presses is our forth installment of taking the weakest, wussiest, wimpiest male “rockers” out there and proverbially slamming their faces in the nearest school locker.

This time round our target of choice is John Mayer, a man whose music is so lamentably devoid of testosterone it makes Alanis Morissette sound like Slayer. I mean, seriously, “your body is a wonderland”? We at Operation Mindfuck HQ can only assume this is the choice tune of fat chicks needing to cry themselves to sleep at night, foolishly failing to realize that it’s what’s inside that counts.

Rest assured, fucking up this particular brand of odious shit has never been sweeter.

And we even threw in some dubby-dub-dub-dubstep wobble bass noises in there for your approval. Much scare-age of cats (and their depressed, middle-aged, saggy-titted female groupies) guaranteed.

Your Body Is A Wonderland (Virulent Tendencies Mix) by Operation Mindfuck

For our third release in our Beta Remix series, we have decided to go all out and take down the big dawg—no, wait—the fat bitch of the I-hate-myself-and-take-it-up-the-ass genre; and that fat bitch is Coldplay. As Wikipedia would state, were I still allowed to make edits over there, Coldplay makes Macaulay Culkin look like Steven Seagal, cracking his nuts over a poor beggar’s skull to punish him for being hungry.

As for our choice of song, “Shiver” really goes up to eleven in terms of Voxian gamma creepiness. Example:

Did you want me to change?
Well I changed for good
And I want you to know.
That you’ll always get your way
I wanted to say,

Don’t you Shiver?

The use of the word shiver is curious: does this mean the singer is expecting the girl to get little-girl-giggle-shivers from the overwhelming emotion of the lyrics? Or is this, in fact, a confession that the singer realizes how repulsive this sort of sniveling is to the ladies? Alas, Chris Martin’s super-whiny delivery leaves no room for ambiguity. This is not the work of some super alpha, who has taken a day off from banging the world to mock emo adolescents; this, sadly, is pure, unadulterated anal leakage.

Also note that Chris Martin is now married to some random Hollywood broad five years his senior. Schwing!

Coming back the to song, one Amazon reviewer, Paul Allaer of Cincinnati, has this to say:

“Shiver” is a wonderful mix of the band’s harder and softer work in one song. The song opens with a great guitar riff, then giving way to Chris Martin’s voice, then smartly intertwining vocals and guitars, with fine backing from drums and bass. Wow!

Yes, Paul, wow. The song manages to mix vocals, guitars and bass. Obviously this has never been done before. Fuck you, Paul, fuck you.

Another reviewer, a certain Tom Vaughton of Letchworth, England, is a little more astute:

POO POO POO POO POO POO POO

Indeed, Tom, and we thank you sincerely for the time it took you to log in and post that.

As for the remix, well… suffice it to say, we fucked that shit up. Again:
Shiver (Coldgay Mix) by Operation Mindfuck
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Listen to our previous remixes:

• Tal Bachmann — She Thinks She’s So High (THC Mix)
• Al Green — I’m Still In Love With You (Nigger Jacques Mix)

Well, what were you expecting? Given that Roissy dubbed this particular slice of musical wankstainery to be the second-most beta song of all time, how could I resist the urge to give it a makeover?

Consider this remix to be an exercise in taking certain lyrics to their logical conclusion, while bitchslapping the ever-loving fuck out of its pussy-ass beta overtones.

Plus, you can never go wrong with sampling Method Man. Roll that shit, light that shit, smoke it, bitches.

In response to the In Mala Fide post “The Beta Song Genre” last summer, my brother Geese Howard and myself, both electronic musicians de longue date, have decided to start up a little side project with the sole intention, to quote our initial discussion, of fucking that shit up. A more technical description would be that we intend to illegally download purchase the offensive tunes online, import them into our app of choice, chop them up, mix in elements of glitch, hardcore, video-game inspired nonsense, sampling and resampling, an abusive amount of time-stretching and pitch-shifting, and generally make them sound more manly/silly/badass… but ultimately, we just want to fuck that shit up.

So without further ado, here is the first of, I hope, many new remixes in the spanking new genre, the Beta Remix: Al Green’s “I Think I Still Love You (Nigger Jaques Mix),” remixed by John Ryder:

I’m Still Love You (Nigger Jaques Mix) by Operation Mindfuck

We, of course, value your feedback. If you have any comments or suggestions for future mashups, or indeed if there are any talented producers out there who want to contribute their own Beta Remixes, you know what to do.