Contributed by William

Springtime. When the cold days of winter give way to the warmth and beauty of new life, and vigor fills the sinews of the house-bound. My favorite time of year and a setting for another in an apparently endless series of “Stupid Dad Moments”

With the change of the season, little Emily learned to ride her bike at last. Memories of family outings spent riding in Chicago along the shores of lake Michigan filled my head with what a wonderful thing it would be to take the kids bike riding in the nature center nearby. Although you would think that the many stupid dad moments of the past would someday make them cautious of my outing ideas, that day was not today and off we went. We loaded the bikes up and stopped at wal-mart to get me a bike (NOTE: Fully assembled does not necessarily mean tires are pumped up or handlebars actually steer the bike reliably). The nature center was beautiful and the cloudless sky was welcoming to us all as we unloaded the bikes and took our first tentative trips around the parking lot. Soon , however, we were ready, and leading the pack, off we ventured. The way to the left went down a long long hill. “What a great way to start the trip” I thought to myself as, turning left, I went some way down and stopped to watch the offspring zip past. Melissa was first. Hair flying behind her, she was grinning from ear to ear and her eyes sparkled in the noonday sun as she blazed past. A “YEE HAAAAA” From Jason told the tale of a happy child as he raced to catch his sister. Even Andrew rocketed by with a smile of excitement and joy on his face. Bringing up the rear on her cute little pink bike with the ribbons streaming from the handles was Emily. But instead of the excitement and smiles of the others, I saw the look of utter terror upon her tiny face. It suddenly occurred to me that, due to the flat and grassy area where she learned to ride, I may have neglected the lessons in how to safely stop. My daughter was careening at mach 3 down a mountain highway with NO BRAKES!! With a death grip upon the handles and a very clear idea of the consequences of a fall, her short life had an opportunity to run through her brain several times as she neared the sharp corner at the bottom of the hill.

At the last minute, her survival instinct kicked in and she lowered her feet to drag them on the ground in a desperate attempt at self preservation. As the smoke from beneath her shoes and the sound of rocks spraying in all directions disappeared around the corner, I leaped into action and pedaled after her hoping that I would not find her little body plastered to a tree. Thankfully, she had managed to halt, and I pulled up to her white-knuckled and trembling self. “Wasn’t that FUN?” I said brightly in an attempt to cover up the horror with a sugary coating. The daggers that shot from her little eyes shattered my father of the year trophy and I realized that perhaps I had chosen the wrong approach. Slowly she dismounted, threw her bike to the ground, and, as the flood of tears began, managed to croak out “I…..am……NEVER!!! ….going to ride…… that STUPID bike…. EVER AGAIN!!!!!!! …..
WAAAAAAAAAAAA!”.

After many tears she eventually DID get back on, but it required me to remind her just how far it was (uphill) to the car and I had to use my “mean dad” face (Which destroyed my “best dad” poster she had stuck to the refrigerator). But ride she did. Uphill. She got off and walked her bike downhill. I told her that when she is in therapy later in life, and she gets to this part, I’ll pay for those sessions. And yet, though try I might, I know somewhere in the back of my mind that someday, somehow, another stupid dad moment will present itself and without even knowing it, I’ll step into it smiling and happy. I just hope they’ll survive.

1. If a child says it’s chicken, it’s chicken. Never, ever disagree with this.

2. If you catch the scent of a poopy diaper, tell your toddler to run to Daddy saying “I have a poopy!” Do not let your husband catch you doing this.

3. Kids know that money comes from walls.

4. Poop comes in strange colors sometimes. Think about what you’ve been feeding your kids before calling the doctor.

5. If it’s on a plate, kids will be picky about eating. Not so if it’s on the ground.

6. Take time for yourself. Grocery shopping without the kids counts less than a quarter of what real time for yourself is.

7. Lock the bathroom door if you want privacy.

8. Let your kids get dirty. Have the camera ready.

9. There’s no such thing as a perfect kid. Or a perfect parent. Meltdowns happen, whether in communication or screaming on the floor.

10. It’s okay for to be completely out of style. If your toddler can wear pink and yellow stripes with a green and brown floral print, how bad can you possibly look?

Well, yes, bad since what looks cute on a toddler is terrible for an adult, but at least you have an excuse.

11. It’s okay to look goofy while dancing.

12. Sometimes it’s fun to have meals out of order.

Who says breakfast foods are just for breakfast? My son likes pickles and/or tuna for breakfast. It may be a bit strong for me, but just perfect so far as he’s concerned.

13. Kisses make many things better.

14. Kids are unashamed about asking for what they want.

15. A favorite lost toy may be a crisis of international proportions. Or so it will feel as you search for it.

16. You will learn obscure facts about your children’s favorite shows.

17. Finishing off the food your child doesn’t somehow seems normal, even if you’d never accept anyone else’s leftovers.

18. Potty habits of your young children are an easy topic of conversation, especially with other parents of young children.

19. Some days the best part of the day is after you put the kids to bed. Other times it’s the loneliest part of the day.

20. News about children getting hurt can make you cry.

My son’s favorite toy is an 8 foot long flexible pencil he calls his ‘hooker.’ He uses it to hook things, and at 3 years old, such a term just makes sense to him.

But I just about lost it the other day when he was dressed in his dragon costume and started looking for his hooker. I always thought they preferred maidens.

Maybe it’s a supply and demand thing.

We’re waiting for the plumber right now. It seems that the house we live in, built in the ’60s has iron pipes. The one going to the sewer has rusted shut and must be replaced.

Fortunately, this only seems to be impacting the kitchen, so we can live pretty normally. But my 3 year old son was so cute about it when I told him I couldn’t wash dishes in the kitchen sink (bathroom sinks are miserable for washing dishes, just miserable!).

“Why not wash in dishwasher, why?” he asked. Kind of fun explaining to him that the two are connected. But I love that he understood the function.

For her 6th birthday, my dad sent my daughter a birthday card with dollar bills inside. Being a kid, she just tore the envelope open, and dollar bills went flying everywhere.

Now, she wasn’t all that impressed by the fact that she got money. No, she was impressed by who was on the dollar bills.

“How’d Papa know that’s my favorite president??” she squealed. She was completely and utterly delighted that her grandfather had sent her something with pictures of George Washington. That mattered more than anything else.

One of my favorite stories from when I was pregnant happened at the Renaissance Faire. I’d dressed up as best I could with a bulging 37 week pregnant tummy, and people loved asking me how far along I was.

The answer, however made them nervous.

Just about every time I said “37 weeks” the person’s eyes would get huge and they’d take a quick step back, as though they expected me to give birth on their shoes or something. This reaction happened all over the place there.