in tandem

When Your Husband is Addicted to Pornography

2012-10-24T09:00:00.000+11:00

When Your Husband is Addicted to Pornography: Healing Your Wounded Heart, Vicki Tiede

Rarely do you read a book that speaks directly to a certain issue with openness, honesty, vulnerability, gentleness and directness all at the same time. This book is all of those things, as well as being solidly grounded in the truths of scripture and of our loving and powerful Father in heaven.

In writing from her own experience, Vicki Tiede has created a book that many Christian women will thank her for – a resource and guide for dealing with the emotions and upheaval created by discovering their husband has an addiction to pornography. And if the statistics she quotes are true (that 50% of men and 20% of women struggle with pornography addiction, p102) this is a resource needed by many.

It is a delicate and serious subject matter and she has handled it very well. She has structured it around 6 themes (hope, surrender, identity, trust, brokenness, forgiveness), which have been divided into weeks (rather than chapters). Each week has 5 days of material, dealing with different aspects of that theme by searching the scriptures, talking through the issues and inviting response. This is a book to read with a pen ready to write in it – it is almost a workbook.

It is not a book about how to ‘heal’ husbands or anyone who struggles with these issues themselves, but rather to spiritually help those who as a spouse have been betrayed and damaged by such a discovery. For couples who have come through this challenge together, it is possible that it will be helpful reading for the husband to explain some of the things his wife has had to work through.

What is clear and overwhelming as you read it, is that Vicki is keen for a wife to see her value in God alone, not through the eyes of her husband or anyone else. She continues to bring the reader back to God and his word, reminding them of his goodness in all situations. She challenges the reader to see the sin in themselves, not just their husbands, and is always looking to find a way forward in growth and godliness, rather than in bitterness and resentment.

As I read it I found that I would readily recommend it to any woman who has found herself in this situation. If that is you, you can read the introduction and the first two days notes via here.

As ministry wives, I highly recommend getting a copy of this book so you are ready to recommend it to any women who may need it.

Book review: The Trials of Theology

2012-07-06T15:00:00.000+10:00

The Trials of Theology, ed. Andrew Cameron and Brian Rosner

Here is a book to give the theological student in your life.

When you head off to theological college, your heart and mind is full of excitement – what treasures of God’s word will I learn today? Now I will learn how to deal with that tough pastoral situation. I will now have answers to all my theological, ethical and other questions. Now I will spend my days surrounded by like-minded fellow believers with whom I will become close friends and share the joys of ministry together forever!

Very quickly however reality and disillusionment can set in: Why do I struggle to read God’s word for personal growth when I study it all day? How much new Greek vocab must I master this week? I did not realise there were so many ways of interpreting this doctrine, how can I know the truth? How is it that so many Christians can have so many different opinions and personalities, and why do I find them so hard to get along with?

Ah yes, there are trials in theological study, and Andrew Cameron and Brian Rosner have created an excellent book, almost a handbook, for theological students. Filled with wisdom from great theological minds of the past and present, it gives a clear warning of the dangers of theological study, yet continues to raise our hopes to the great gain, joy and benefit that such study brings.

I will not go into each chapter in detail but suffice to say there were nuggets of wisdom in each. I especially loved the voices of the past: Augustine’s encouragement to take time out from study to read, pray and weep; the treasures of Spurgeon’s wisdom to study the books you have in detail, rather than accumulate books for the sake of it (something I need to hear!); and B.B. Warfield’s sobering reminder that our spiritual fitness is much more important than our intellectual fitness:

A minister must be learned, on pain of being utterly incompetent for his work. But before and above being learned, a minister must be godly. (p51)

And the warning that studying God makes him become common to us:

Think of what your privilege is when your greatest danger is that the great things of religion may become common to you! Other men, oppressed by the hard conditions of life… find it hard to get time and opportunity so much as to pause and consider whether there be such things as God, and religion, and salvation from the sin that compasses them about and holds them captive. The very atmosphere of your life is these things; you breathe them in at every pore; they surround you, encompass you, press in upon you from every side. It is all in danger of becoming common to you! God forgive you, you are in danger of becoming weary of God! (p57)

The current voices were also wise and helpful, with chapters by Woodhouse, Carson, Trumann, Bray and Hollinger, all commenting on various disciplines in study – doctrine, ethics, church history and biblical studies.

I leave you with Rosner’s closing words:

Students do well to remember that the goal of our theological study is not to figure out God, but rather, to arrive at awestruck incredulity and joyful confidence in God. It is to be blown away in wide-eyed, transfixed adoration. To miss that is to miss everything and to fail to glorify God in our studies. The aim is not finally an accurate eloquence, but to become lost for words, in the praise and wonder of God. (p191)

Well worth reading for any bible college student or anyone supporting them.

A new plan for 2012

2012-02-09T20:16:00.000+11:00

It's almost the middle of February and most of us are well and truly back into the swing of things again after the Christmas break.

Wendy, Rachael and I have been chatting about we'll do things on this blog this year and have decided on a new approach. We won't be planning series like we have in the past, but will blog about things as they crop up. It might be a link to something interesting that relates to ministry wives, or a review of a relevant book we've just read, or it might just be an observation or question or thing that God has been teaching us that we want to share.

If you want to make sure you don't miss out when we do update the blog, you can subscribe by email or in a reader (see the buttons on the right hand side), or follow us on facebook. We look forward to your input and comments and feedback this year!

Book Review: The Meaning of Marriage

2012-02-06T08:00:00.000+11:00

The Meaning of Marriage, Timothy Keller with Kathy Keller

Timothy Keller has just released a new book, The Meaning of Marriage. In doing so, he has done his Christian audience a great service. What he has done is to lift our vision of marriage much higher that just the husband and wife. He places God squarely at the centre of every marriage and as the creator of marriage.

He seeks to provide an answer to questions such as: What is meaning of marriage? Why does marriage exist? What does it mean to enter a covenant? What is Christian friendship, and how does it find its fullest expression in marriage? Where does the power to continue in marriage come from? How then shall we view singleness?

Keller strongly grounds this work in the word of God, and ends up providing a very helpful framework of marriage as being a relationship of Christian friendship, promised in a covenant of love, powered by the Holy Spirit.

For those of us in ministry and often talking to people about their marriage or their singleness, as well as preparing couples for marriage, this book is an excellent resource. You could use it:

together as you consider your own marriage,
as a resource for already married couples to raise their eyes as to the purpose of their relationship,
for engaged couples, to give them a solid grounding in God’s view of marriage and the importance of the relationship,
for anyone wanting to think ‘theologically’ about marriage, and
for single people, to ensure they have a God-centred view of marriage as they approach their relationships and life choices.

If you would like to read some more detailed chapter reviews as well as some quotes, switch over to Wendy's musings blog - Ch 1-3 and Ch 4-8.

book review: Help for Clergy Wives

2012-01-23T07:00:00.001+11:00

Help for Clergy Wives: How to Please Without being a Pleaser by Patricia Harper Cummings is a book full of wisdom for Clergy wives. There are practical tips about budgeting, table etiquette, finding a good mechanic and managing house-guests. There are suggestions for handling criticism, learning to say 'no' and discovering one's self-identity. There's an especially insightful chapter on 'ways that don't work' warning us against the sorts of methods we might employ to manipulate situations for our own ends. Written in short chapters and conversational prose, it is easy to read. There are even some recommended recipes at the back. Essentially this is a book about how to be that perfect minister's wife (even though she claims it isn't).

The down-side of all this advice is that some of the practical tips don't transfer across the Pacific or across generations. If she were ever to produce a second edition, I would highly recommended putting the first four chapters at the end, or as an appendix. As it is, it begins a little like a handbook for housewives and I almost didn't keep reading.

At some points I agree with her whole-heartedly;

The introductory phrase "This is the pastor's wife," used to make me cringe. That's because at one point I had allowed the role to envelope me. I, the "real" me, had somehow gotten lost in that description. As a result, I learned that I needed to redefine myself in terms of whom I am - a child of God. I needed to remember, first, last and always, who I am in Christ. An time I find that I have gotten lost along the way, I always go back to this: "Jesus Christ and him crucified." As I mediate on that phrase, I find that I am drawn back to the foundation, because my core reality and my spiritual foundation is Christ himself. I remember that the most important thing I can do for my soul's sake is to make time to bask in His presence- time spent with Jesus, the One who died for me. As I rest there, on the bosom of the resurrected Jesus, He restores my soul.

And I really like the way she structures the chapter "ways that work" around scripture; Deuteronomy 10:12-13 (note the imperatives: Fear, Walk, Love, Serve, Keep) and Luke 10:38-42 (spending time with Jesus).

At other points, I don't agree. And the two are often so mixed up I can't work out why I don't like it. For instance;

I've found it's up to me to created the boundaries I need, and [my husband] sets his own boundaries as well. No one can or will do this for us; we need to learn to say no. I've learned I have a God-given right to privacy. I have a right to space. I have a right to time. I have a right to my own calling and ministry. I have realized it is not loving to allow someone to take advantage of me or to overstep their bounds into my space. When I model that I have genuine needs, and a legitimate God-given right to them, I am modeling behavior for others who have gotten themselves into the same unhealthy mode that I did in the past. I want to be the one who models how to say "no" firmly and lovingly.

At another point she quotes from an article about Orthodox clergy wives about the wife's primary responsibility being to care for her husbands' well-being, and then goes on,

If this is even partly so, and I truly believe it is, then how much more important it is for the clergy wife to take care of herself. If she waits to find out who is going to minister to the minister's wife, she'll have a long wait. It would be nice were it otherwise, but it's not. So there you have it: it's up to you. Take care of yourself.

Ah, the language of boundaries, self-care and personal space. I loathe it but have come to understand it's necessity. Still, it feels so un-christian. I don't think I should have to say to a young wife, "Take care of yourself because no-one else will" because I think there should be a multitude of people to take care of her. Her husband, for starters, should take care of her. And her sisters in Christ (older and younger) should be looking out for her as she for them. I'd rather we say Take Care of Each Other and let's be done with the language of self-care. Maybe I'm dreaming. What do you think?

Let me also recommend that you restrict your diet of "ministry-wife" books to as often as you would eat fruit-loops. There is a certain same-ness about them and lack of theological depth that really concerns me.

10 years on...

2012-01-18T14:02:00.003+11:00

Here's a great post from Jenny reflecting on 10 years of being a "minister's wife".

Are you in the same situation? What would you say? How have your expectations changed?

Would love to know your thoughts.

Radical Womanhood - Chapter 8

2011-11-28T08:00:00.002+11:00

Chapter 8: Feminine Faith

As this chapter begins, McCulley openly acknowledges it is an overview chapter designed to present some issues of feminine faith and to encourage us to be women fruitful for God’s glory.

Indeed it is an overview, and I found myself wanting more. As she says, there are other books on the subject – but I wanted more meat in this section. After reading about all the problems that feminism has given us, some more thoughts about how to proceed today would have been helpful.

Having said that, McCulley clearly says what needs to be said – we need to look to God’s word for our guidance in everything, and the gospel is all we need. We do not need to be recognised by the world’s standards, but loved and saved by Jesus.

I finish with the words of John Piper, which she quotes, which describe strong women, whom we all could strive to be:

…Strong women! I think they are magnificent testimonies to Christ. Because if they are complementarian…they are combining things the world can’t explain. They are combining a sweet, tender, kind, loving, submissive, feminine beauty with his massive steel in their backs and theology in their brains! (p187)

I feel this book touched on many issues and helped me understand history more and how it has affected the present, yet left me wanting more about how to live a feminine faith today. Did others feel this way?

Do any of you have any book suggestions that others who are still interested in this topic might find helpful?

Hope you have enjoyed this series, I have!

Radical Womanhood - Chapter 7

2011-11-21T08:00:00.003+11:00

Chapter 7: Raunch Culture Rip Off

This chapter is the one that many of us will find the most distressing, and yet also the most relevant. McCulley explains where the third and current wave of feminism has brought us – to today, a sex-saturated, porn-filled world where women mistakenly believe that by treating sex and their bodies as a commodity they are empowered in the process.

McCulley has done a good job of presenting the relevant issues in a discreet way. She even warns that young girls should not be reading the chapter.

A backlash has developed over recent years over this issue, and it’s not only Christians who are speaking out against it. Many others are appalled at what they see happening to women (and men), as a result of widely accessible pornography, the ‘hook-up’ casual approach to sexual intimacy, and the prevailing opinion that modesty equals shame.

One of the ways to combat this as Christians is to be open about the wonderful blessing sexual intimacy is, but within the framework of marriage alone:

We need to combat any false notions of sexuality and piety by presenting a clear and unblushing portrayal of marital intimacy. A generation that is well acquainted with the physical variations of sex needs to hear about the powerful security, attraction, and emotional freedom that attend monogamous marital fidelity. (p178)

Mothers and older women need to speak to younger women openly about the wonderful gift of intimacy in marriage and how, with the benefit of hindsight, they know the damage caused by sexual activity outside of marriage.

This is one of the issues that worries me most with my own children. We live in a sex-saturated society. I want to protect my son and daughters from it as much as possible. I know that God is in control, and some days, that is all I can cling to, as I see the world they are growing up in. I know that God is good and sovereign, but sometimes, I just want to keep them locked up until they are 25!

Things to think about:

How has the ‘raunch culture’ affected you and the way you feel about yourself?
What message do you want to pass on to younger women? Who could you pass it on to?

Next week: Chapter 8: Feminine Faith

Radical Womanhood - Chapter 6

2011-11-14T08:00:00.001+11:00

Chapter 6: The Mommy Wars

McCulley addresses the devaluing of both women (as wives/child-raisers/homemakers) and children that has occurred over the last two centuries.

It’s a long chapter and well worth reading yourself. In brief, the concept of motherhood being less valued than all other pursuits has occurred in three stages:

It began in the 19th C when the bulk of economic activity moved from farms and homes into factories. Therefore the household was no longer the workplace, but rather a place of replenishment for workers.
It continued as a form of social Darwinism, when it was claimed that child-rearing should become a professionalised collective activity. This followed from the idea that most women were unproductive and indolent.
The third stage was with Margaret Sanger, the founder of modern birth control, who believed that large families, especially from parents she deemed unfit were the cause of most evils. She believed in the possibility of a superior race and eugenics, a cause later promoted by Nazi Germany.

Then, McCulley moves from women to children:

of the myriad changes created by second-wave feminism, the most pronounced would be the movement’s unwavering commitment to abortion. (p132)

What is also clearly a result of abortion becoming legalised (or at least tolerated) in most societies, is that female feticide (the aborting of female fetuses) has cost millions of women’s lives. It is estimated that over 100 million girls should have been born in the world, but have not. 50 million of these in China and 43 million in India. For cultures that value a son much more highly than a daughter, there is now a huge disproportion between the sexes.

I remember reading an article about this a few years ago –this first generation of selective sex children are now reaching adulthood. But there are not enough wives to go around. So, you have a large group of men, with no prospective wives and a lot of excess testosterone in society. Not a recipe for peace.

McCulley then turns to briefly address some other issues, including:

surrogacy, egg and sperm donation and implications of such technology
fertility and that refusal of many to acknowledge it’s limited window

I think, as I watch younger women and the choices they make, fertility is one area where few are prepared to think about it honestly. Many women (and I include myself in this) fell for the line “You can have it all”, yet

those of us who have tried, however, know that it is not true. It may be possible to have it all, but not at the same time. (p138)

Yet I continue to watch young women in our churches mapping out their future with little idea of the reality of fertility or lack of it: “I’ll develop my career till my thirties, and get married in there, then sometime in my mid-thirties we’ll have children.”

I often have to ask young (married) women now, “Do you want to have a family, and if so, when do you plan to fit it in?” And this is not just women who would like a career, this is also women planning their life of ministry service, but thinking that having a family would be the end of their ‘ministry’. Please hear me correctly, I am fully supportive of women in jobs they like and find satisfying. It’s just that the message of ‘I can do it all’ has so permeated us as women, that often we do not stop and think ‘maybe I can’t’ until it’s too late.

She finishes the chapter with words of encouragement to mothers currently ‘in the trenches’:

I think it is easy for mothers to lose sight of the big picture when they are consumed with the daily ‘ordinariness’ of life. I hope that this chapter has helped you… to take the long view of what you are doing in training the next generation to be worshipers of God.’ (p140)

and also to older women. She encourages ‘empty nesters’ to start thinking of themselves as ‘open nesters’ – open to ministering to other people. Younger women need advice, help, guidance and instruction – from God’s word, as well as how to love their husbands, train their children and manage their home (Titus 2). There is a dearth of godly wisdom out there – for those of you who have lived it, please share it with the rest of us!

Things to think about:

If you are a mother, do you value it as a role? Why or why not?
If you are not a mother, do you value it as a role? Why or why not?
Do you / or did you think you could have it all – husband, kids, career, personal satisfaction, etc? Have you managed to?
If you are an ‘empty nester’, are you prepared to become an ‘open nester’?

Next week: Chapter 7: Raunch Culture Rip Off

Radical Womanhood - Chapter 5

2011-11-07T08:00:00.002+11:00

Chapter 5: There’s no place like home

This chapter paints a picture showing how our idea of home has changed over time. Beginning in the time of Abraham, we are given an idea of how people lived. From those times, until the Industrial Revolution of the 19th century, the home was where both work operated from and where the family lived. Be it a farmhouse or a city dwelling operating a business; husband, wife and family would work side by side, sharing the load of supporting themselves and their business and raising their children. Our current notion of a separated home and work life would have been unheard of and unexplainable.

However, with the Industrial Revolution and increased urbanisation, men were drawn into employment into factories and offices and work and home life began to separate. Now the job of working fell to men and the job of raising children and maintaining the home fell to women. At the same time, early women’s movements claiming that women were the more loving, gentle and pious of the sexes were laying the groundwork for later feminists. Finally by the 20th C, women were the target of marketing campaigns to make their lives easier, more efficient and complete with modern appliances.

Thus the shift from the home as a place of production to a place of consumption was completed. In the new culture of consumption - bolstered by the age of advertising and the push for consumer credit - all vestiges of nineteenth century concerns with character, self-restraint, and sacrifice were gone. (p113)

The true heart of the home

McCulley makes some excellent points at the end of this chapter, so I will quote her at length:

The heart of the home is found in the relationships nurtured there and the comfort offered to one another - comfort we have first received from God, the Father of compassion, and then share with one another. (p115)

More importantly, the home is a foretaste of the eternal heaven that awaits us when Jesus returns. He did not leave us to prepare another cubicle in His Father’s office - thanks God!... It is the refuge of a home- with a place in it for each of us - that Jesus promised. (John 14:1-3) (p115)

And a final quote to encourage the many of us who consider ourselves housewives:

“Just a housewife” is a phrase our culture uses to undermine the importance of the private sphere. Though the marketplace does not value the home beyond the goods that can be purchased for it, the ministry to be found there is of immense value to the Lord. The stability of family relationships, the care of elderly or disabled family members, the discipling and training of children, the warm reception of guests, the making of a lifetime of memories, the daily modelling of biblical instruction, the fresh nourishment in an age of processed foods that contribute to our general ill health, the joy of a Christ-centred marriage - all of these have long-lasting, if not eternal, effects. (p115-116)

Things to think about:

Do you say “I’m just a housewife”, or are you able to say with pride “I’m a wife and mum”
Even if this world does not value your role, do you see the inherent value in your role?
Do you risk making your home a ‘safe haven’, rather than a welcoming home?

Next week: Chapter 6: The Mommy Wars

Radical Womanhood - Chapter 4

2011-10-31T08:00:00.002+11:00

Chapter 4: Roll Call

As McCulley begins this chapter, she makes a helpful aside comment. Being a unmarried woman herself, she has had to think about how she can counsel married women, not having experienced it herself. She came to realise personal experience was not what was important.

We do not need the authority of personal experience to counsel one another because the bible is sufficient for this task. But we do need to know the Word. (p75)

This is a helpful reminder for us, whether we are in a position to give counsel or to receive it - it can be tempting to think “I don’t understand, I have nothing to offer”, or “She doesn’t have to live with this issue, how can she instruct me on how to live with it”. We all need to have grace don’t we?

McCulley explains how feminism led many people to believe that there were essentially no differences between men and women, a fact which has been disproved by much scientific study. Women think differently, experience emotions differently and their brains work differently.

Helper

Then, she moves to a biblical explanation of the term ‘helper’, or wife - a helper who is equal to her husband, but differed from him and complemented him.

She clearly acknowledges that “many men fall short of the humble, sacrificially loving leadership role. Many women fall short of the humble, encouraging support role too. Just because sin mars a concept does not mean it is beyond gospel redemption.” (p83, my emphasis)

In the end, McCulley concludes:

submission has more to do with our attitude towards this concept than any flawless execution of it (p84)

She will have a disposition to yield to her husband’s guidance and an inclination to follow his leadership. Her final authority is Christ and she will not follow her husband into sin, however she has a spirit of submission (summarised from Piper and Grudem, Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood, p61).

What then follows is a helpful discussion of the role of wife with encouragement and correction. For not only are we wives who are submissive, we are also caring sisters towards our imperfect brother who is our husband. And, in that role, we may be an encourager, a gentle rebuker, a counselor and a corrector.

Divorce

Statistics show women initiate most divorces. This is a legacy of feminism. One of the triumphs claimed by second-wave feminists was introduction of ‘no-fault divorce’. Some critics argue this is the most profound effect of feminism upon our culture:

But divorce - the dissolution of a solemn mutual contract in which your pledge your life, your honor, your name, your commitment, and your future - can be thrust upon you without your consent… The very existence of this sword of Damocles hanging over husband and wife validates the attitude that marriage is temporary and based on self-satisfaction, rather than on commitment and responsibility. (p86, quoting Phyllis Schlafly, Feminist Fantasies, p234-5)

Of course, later research has also shown that those devastated, especially economically, by divorce are women. Wonder if feminists are still quite as proud about no-fault divorce?

McCulley finishes with some practical advice for wives, gleaned from Gary Thomas. If you regularly think negatively about your husband, you are likely to be dissatisfied. If you search for strengths and affirm those, you will build him up in those areas and encourage him. Not only that: we have all married imperfect men. But let’s just remember as well, all husbands have married imperfect wives.

She finishes with this encouragement:

In marriage, it takes a lot of strength of character to be a helpmate as the Bible describes it and not bail on the marriage. But you’re not doing it alone or in your own strength. Never forget the encouragement, correction, submission, honor, respect, and appreciation that you give your husband each day are lavishly supplied by the One who is also your helper! (p90)

Things to think about:

How do you feel about the term ‘helper’?
Why do you think women initiate most divorces? (extreme circumstances aside)
Would it be helpful for you, when thinking of your husband’s imperfections, to remind yourself that he also married an imperfect wife?

Next week: Chapter 5: There’s no place like home

Radical Womanhood - Chapter 3

2011-10-24T08:00:00.002+11:00

Chapter 3: Did God really say?

In this chapter McCulley turns to marriage. She looks at feminist views on marriage, then what Scripture has to say, and then turns to the issue of submission (some other issues of marriage are addressed in later chapters).

If you claim men are women’s chief problem, it has a way of dissuading women from marrying men…and vice versa. Therefore, it’s no surprise that feminism profoundly affected marriage rates and longevity - not to mention the definition of marriage. (p53)

The face of feminism for the 1970s was Gloria Steinem, and one of her oft quoted subjects was marriage. She made famous the expression “A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle’.

As McCulley turns to a scriptural definition of marriage and how feminism has completely affected it, she turns to Andreas Köstenberger’s excellent work on the subject: God, Marriage, and Family. He speaks of a timeless battle between God and Satan, and one area where this battle is being fought is marriage and the family. It has been fought before, with chauvinism and polygamy, but now feminism is a major player. Using Köstenberger’s argument, McCulley claims:

Spiritual battles are won or lost in the day to day thoughts we harbor. Ideas matter! What we think about the purpose of marriage, the roles in marriage, and the priority of marriage matters, and it matters a great deal to God. (p59)

As daughters of Eve, we need to realize the Serpent is still among us, asking the same questions. “Did God really say…?” You can fill in the blank with your own temptations and thoughts. You may hear questions buzzing in your head about God’s definition of infidelity, motherhood, premarital sex, monogamy, the roles of men and women, the worth of a wife, the function of a family, and so on. These questions have a source - our spiritual Enemy - and an innate amplification system - our sinful hearts. And when the two mix, the results are combustible. (p60)

McCulley goes on to look at submission and Ephesians 5 in detail. I am not going to outline it here, because I would oversimplify it, and my guess is that it’s something you have already looked at before. If not, I suggest you read her work here, and research more via her references.

The next chapter will flesh out in a bit more detail how this type of marriage looks in practice.

The personal chapter about Bill and Stephanie gives a great example of true forgiveness and a willingness to follow one’s husband.

Some things to think about:

About which things are you most likely to ask, “Did God really say…?”

Next week: Chapter 4: Role Call

Radical Womanhood - Chapter 2

2011-10-17T08:00:00.002+11:00

Chapter 2: Men aren’t the problem

In each chapter McCulley addresses different aspects of women’s lives and how competing definitions of womanhood have shaped them.

In this chapter she shows how feminism came to view men as the chief problem of women, by profiling 3 leading feminists, their attitudes towards men and how their ideas contributed to the rise of feminism.

Elizabeth Cady Stanton embodied the first wave of feminism (mid-late 1800s). She fought for women’s suffrage and marriage reform, in the midst of what seems to have been an unhappy marriage. She was also anti-Christian and had a very patriarchal view of Scripture which impacted her negatively.
Simone de Beauvoir headed up the second wave of feminism in Europe (1920s-1980s). Her book, The Second Sex (1949) is the seminal work of modern feminism. She argued women were imprisoned by the roles of wife, mother and sweetheart. She had a life-long relationship with Jean-Paul Satre that influenced the entire concept of modern marriage – they decided not to marry, but rather have an open, non-monogamous union with complete transparency. McCulley shows how de Beauvoir is a paradox, claiming women were oppressed by men, yet continuing to live in a relationship with a man who seduced women and treated them with contempt.
In the US, the second wave of feminism really arrived by Betty Friedan’s book The Feminine Mystique (1963). In it she articulates a feminine dream that suburban housewives try to live up to but cannot and therefore find themselves trapped, bored and depressed. She transformed the women’s movement. Friedan was also unhappily married, although later softened her stance against marriage.

These two waves of feminism are well noted, there is a third wave which started in the 1990’s which many of us have grown up with and our daughters will do so as well. We’ll comeback to that in chapter 7.

Sin is the problem

McCulley acknowledges that Stanton, Beauvoir and Friedan were bright, articulate women. However, she asks “were they good at comprehending their situations?”

There is real tension…the reason is sin. Our sinful actions, thoughts, attitudes, and words are the reasons for the chasm between God and human beings. Sin also separates us from one another… Being male and female is not the problem. In fact, when God created man and women, He called it very good... (p45)

women do have a problem. But it’s not men. It’s sin. Sin warps everything, including the good that God has designed in being a man or a woman. Women sin against men and men sin against women, and everyone sins against God… Sin is the reason men have oppressed women and women have usurped men….

As a movement, feminism arose because women were being sinned against. I think that is a fair argument. But feminism also arose because women were sinning in response. That’s a classic human problem: Sinners tend to sin in response to being sinned against. (p46-7)

After each chapter, McCulley includes a personal story of a woman who has worked through the issue she has presented. They add a personal touch to each issue and help us to see a way forward as the gospel impacts people’s lives.

Some things to think about:

Do you agree with McCulley’s assessment that men are not the problem, but rather sin is?
What do you think of McCulley’s statement that feminism arose as a sinful response to a sinful problem?

Next week: Chapter 3: Did God really say?

Interview with Kylie Chappell

2011-10-14T07:00:00.002+11:00

Can you tell us a bit about yourself, your husband and ministry etc?

I am Kylie Chappell, married to John, and we have 4 kids who are 12, 11, 9 & 2 years old.

We live in North Ryde, Sydney, and John is the Minister at North Ryde Anglican – we have been here nearly 5 years now. Apart from being involved in church stuff, taking care of the kids (which for me this year has meant trying to work out how to be the Mum of a High Schooler & a toddler at the same time!) I also work one day a week at the School House Museum (which is just next door) and this fits in well with everything else.

What have been some of the joys of being in ministry?

One of the best things about ministering where we are is really being part of a strong community. Our house is literally right in the middle of everything, and so we are crossing paths with people all the time – this of course helps us to get to know others (church members & non-Christians too) so much more quickly. Most of these relationships have been formed through our kid’s friends, or activities, and so we thank God for our kids and the way that God has used those opportunities through them to build up His kingdom.

It is exciting seeing local families come to understand the Gospel more and more over time – adults and kids, and watch them become more passionate about getting involved at Church and wanting to serve others in the Gospel.

What have been some of the challenges?

I guess the down side of living in a community is that I feel we are often on public view – even when we check the mailbox! This can be challenging, for myself and the kids particularly, and sometimes we miss the privacy and neighbours that come with living in a regular house.

I also find ministry life quite draining relationally as I am constantly trying to keep up with other women at church, school, playgroup, work & also family members, and sometimes all these networks can overwhelm me. It is also difficult to relate to women of all ages and stages of life all at once, when I am my unique stage of life as a busy Mum to young-ish kids.

How does partnership in serving God with your husband work out in practice for you?

I have always wanted to be a team with John in ministry and have tried to help him over the years in different ways according to our stage of life, and how old our kids were at the time. At the moment, I am involved with Women’s Bible Study groups and book groups at church, women’s outreach events, teaching Sunday School as well as hospitality for the Youth Group leaders and newcomers. We also open our home for most of the church meetings (eg Parish Council).

I also try and be a good listener for John as we talk through ministry issues – this could be late at night after meetings, or early in the mornings – who knows – ministry life is so unpredictable and surprising in a way!

What's the one piece of advice you would give to a younger woman about to become a ministry wife?

I am finding that Ministry is definitely a long haul marathon race, rather than a sprint, so it’s always good to take that long term view when you are thinking about how to spend your time and energy. Remember the various seasons of life, and try and match your expectations of what you can do for your particular circumstances – I have found that for every stage of my life there have been different opportunities in ministry, and also restrictions on my ministry, so you just need to be creative & flexible in how you serve God according to your specific situation.

Radical Womanhood - Chapter 1

2011-10-10T08:00:00.002+11:00

Chapter 1 – Dented Femininity

Carolyn McCulley starts by explaining her own personal story – from a strong feminist voice which started in her university years (early 20s) and how it was challenged, as were all parts of her life, by her conviction of her own personal sin and her acceptance of Jesus Christ as her Saviour and Lord at 30.

This is not a foreign story to many of us, whether or not we were brought up in Christian homes, or were converted as children or adults, all women today bear marks of growing up in a world dominated by feminism.

A real conviction of personal sin changed McCulley forever:

I didn’t need to reconcile my pantheon of inner goddesses. I needed to repent of my sin.

As do men.

The kicker is that feminism is partially right. Men do sin. They can diminish women’s accomplishments and limit women’s freedoms for self-centred reason. Some men sexually assault women. Some men abuse their wives and children. Many men degrade women through pornography. Feminism didn’t rise up because of fabricated offences… (p26-27)

However, she says – this is a book for women. The men can challenge each other. Her concern is what we women have absorbed from our culture about being women.

Feminism (like most other “isms”) points a finger at other people for the problems of life. But I learned that other people are not the real problem. Our sinful nature (James 4:1-3), spiritual forces of evil (Ephesians 6:12), and the lure of this present world (1 John 2:15-17) are our real problems. (p27)

Some things to think about:

How affected do you think you are by feminism?
Do you tend to think that men are the problem, or do you agree that sin really is the problem?

Next week: Chapter 2: Men aren’t the problem

New book series - Radical Womanhood

2011-10-03T08:00:00.002+11:00

Here at in tandem we are starting a new book series. We’ve looked at some practical ministry books, some books about marriage and some about Christian living. We thought it was time we looked at a book about women and feminism.

What do you think when you hear the word ‘feminist’? Do you embrace it? Run from it? Like to pick and choose parts of it? Do you understand why feminism arose and have any idea how to respond to it? Do you really even know what it is?

Next Monday, we will start working through Radical Womanhood, by Carolyn McCulley. Subtitled: Feminine faith in a feminist world, she challenges us to think through feminism, the impact it has had on the world and ourselves and how as Christian women we might respond to it.

Why don’t you join us?

If you would like to read the first chapter online, do so here. If you would like an introduction to the book by watching a 4-min video overview of feminist history by Carolyn McCulley - do so via this link.

Interview with Christine Bayley

2011-09-30T07:00:00.002+10:00

Can you tell us a bit about yourself, your husband and ministry?

Hello! My name is Christine I am married to Rod and we have three children, Harrison (8), Imogen (6) and Callum (3). I became a Christian at the age of 9 through the ministry of SUFM at Lake Tabourie. I am grateful for the people who God has placed in my life over the years to encourage me in reading the Bible, serving the church and being prepared to give an answer for the hope that I have. God’s work in me by His Spirit is slowly chipping away at my heart for self as I am being transformed into the likeness of Christ. I have experienced times of joy and pain and with God’s help am able to hold on to the hope that I have in Christ.

I grew up primarily in Campbelltown and after high school I studied Nursing. Through the work place I was constantly confronted with death, those who do not have hope in Jesus and the frailty of our mortal bodies, which stirred my heart. Rod and I married in 1996 and that covenant next to my covenant with God is my greatest love. After a couple of years of marriage Rod was encouraged to think about doing some study at Bible College. Initially we thought part time would be wise as it would help with the role he had as a youth leader and Bible study leader. As it turned out he studied full time for three years. Our years at SMBC are like gold to us. The teaching program, friendships, community and godly examples we thank God for. I did one year study (in Rod’s final year). The year after College, Rod started part-time at Chatswood Baptist we were greatly encouraged during our time at Chatswood by the senior pastor and the Christians who gathered together each week. The position, once Rod had completed his further study at Morling College (the Baptist College), was full time and after 5 years we made the move to Wollongong where we are today, this is our 5th year here. Rod has enjoyed the challenge of serving the church at Wollongong Baptist. It is a busy pace with 8 services on a Sunday. 5 ethnic and 3 English. We have a large Burmese community two of the ethnic services are in Kareni and Burmese with the others spoken in Chinese, Greek and Vietnamese. Please pray for Burma and the long time persecution there. We have a keenness to see the local church embrace, support and pray for cross cultural mission. I am currently involved in running an international playtime for preschoolers and their families, women’s bible study Thursday mornings, leading women’s ministry alongside an enthusiastic team. Hospitality to whoever God brings, hosting meetings, preparing couples for marriage with Rod, and music ministry to kids as well as occasional song leading in church. Most of all my heart is to do whatever would serve Rod best, it is a constant prayer point of mine: that I would be wise in my choices and submit to his leadership.

We are grateful to God for the privilege of loving our kids and pointing them to Jesus as we do the good works God has planned for us.

What have been some of the joys in ministry?

Knowing more of Jesus and seeing God use ordinary opportunities for his glory brings much joy to our lives. I meet approximately once a month with three other women whose husbands are in ministry (we met through SMBC) we pray for each other and enjoy lunch together. These women are a great source of encouragement to me and I thank God for each of them. Our associate Pastor’s wife is also an encouragement to me and it is a joy to pray together and care for each other in our roles. I am grateful that God has brought our families together in ministry at Wollongong Baptist. Meeting with women one to one is such a joy for me. Also seeing the lost found and helping establish good foundations – through Bible reading and prayer. Seeing non Christians come along to playtime each week and having the opportunity to know them and pray for them, that God would open their eyes so they can enjoy the living water that only Jesus gives. Seeing our children grow and be included in the lives of godly Christians who befriend and encourage them. Praying regularly with my husband for the struggles we are facing, when we feel weak and inadequate and when we feel joyous and strong. There is a wonderful joy in seeing God answer our prayers, often through His people, reminding us of our dependence on God for our lives and for the lives of our kids. It is such a joy to know we don’t have to know it all but to trust in God.

What have been some of the challenges?

Change is a big challenge for me. New things/places and people take time. I haven’t worked out the best way of coping with change but I certainly pray more when it is around - which is my best and only helpful response.

Having a young family means sleep deprivation. Which tests my role as a model for others (even if I am unsure about being that, the fact is that because of Rod’s role I am a model to others), for example, having the patient conversation, answering the phone again! Opening our home for a meeting when I am tired. My godliness is where I long to grow – this is a challenge but I pray that God would use me, stretch me and give me the grace to live graciously for Him.

How does partnership in serving God with your husband work out in practice for you?

Rod currently works from home so that has some pros and cons. It is great to have the flexibility of lunch together and afternoon tea some days when the kids are home from school. However it is hard to limit office time and to be disciplined in having a break. Although to be honest, although Rod does keep a written record of his hours – life is not really that structured or compartmentalised, we consider ‘interruptions’ the normal life. We try to have fun in the process and have found having hobbies/ playing with the kids/ eating together/ sharing our highs and lows of the day together/ doing special things for my family not just when we have visitors, these are great ways of feeling rested.

Rod and I pray together regularly – we find that our ministry opportunities are driving us more and more into praying together. We pray for couples who are preparing for marriage, couples or individuals who are struggling, for Rod’s Bible talk, for the church to grow spiritually strong, for those who come each week to church who do not know Christ, for our children their salvation and if they eventually marry their marriage partners.

My role is to be Rod’s biggest encourager – so I try to do whatever would encourage Him.

What is one piece of advice you would give a younger woman about to become a ministry wife?

Consider others greater than yourself. Love the people God gives you to serve (that includes your family). God has placed you in your situation and will provide for you all you need for life and Godliness, So don’t worry. Perfectionism is not helpful as a Christian, especially in pastoral ministry – it forces us to depend on ourselves more than God.

labour of love: the series

2011-09-22T07:00:00.000+10:00

Thanks to Alison Blake for a challenging guest series, the "labour of love". This small letter to the Ephesian Church in the book of Revelation was definitely a challenge to me! What about you?

Here is a summary of the series.

the labour of love: a reflection on Revelation 2:1-7

you've got mail: to, from, subject
the Ephesian church: persevering and pure but passionless
a warning for the Ephesians and for us
restoring our love: repent, remember, return
a promise and a prayer for those who labour

a prayer for those who labour

2011-09-21T07:00:00.001+10:00

Alison finishes her series, the labour of love, with this prayer...

Let’s pray for ourselves and for each other –

Jesus Christ, Lord of the church,

you dwell among us & know our hearts.

Always refresh us with the wonder of your love.

May our good deeds ring with gratitude,

our endurance radiate with joy,

May our doctrine be filled with warm affection,

our righteousness with sheer delight

and may our love for you ever increase.

Amen*.

* R. Piper., Ephesus And The New Humanity, Aquila, 2010

a promise for those who labour

2011-09-20T07:00:00.001+10:00

Alison concludes her series this week with some encouraging words.

Christ knows us well – we could very easily be overwhelmed in the labour of love. But he finishes his letter with a promise for those who labour in their love for him;

“To the one who conquers I will grant to eat of the tree of life, which is in the paradise of God”. (Revelation 2:7)

Christ is lifting our eyes from visible reality to invisible reality. He wants us to know the “here and now” reality of Revelation 21 and 22 – that Christ, the lamb who was slain, is now ruling with God. He has conquered sin and death.

With this victory he has secured rewards for those who keep on labouring with love. The Greek word for conquer is “nike”, like the sports shoes. It’s all about conquering and persevering in the race, with love for Christ and those around us. If we do that, Christ promises we’ll have restored to us what Adam and Eve abandoned – we’ll eat from the tree of eternal life in the Paradise of God, not separated from him, but seated with him.

Our challenge, individually and as a church, in these last days, is to be persevering and pure in our beliefs and behaviour, taking care not to abandon our love for Christ, each other and the lost. We need to be repenting, remembering and returning to Christ as our first love.

restoring our love: returning

2011-09-15T07:00:00.003+10:00

So far in this series, the labour of love, we have heard about the Ephesian church who though pure and persevering, were passionless. We have heard the warning Christ gave them, and thought about its application in our lives and churches. Alison continues...

We’ve been considering how we can restore our lost love for Christ. We begin by repenting of our cold-heartedness towards Christ, then we start remembering why Christ is pre-eminently worthy of our love. Lastly we restore our love for Christ by “doing the the works we did at first” (Revelation 2:5).

What does that mean? Well, if we’ve abandoned the love for Christ we had at first, then “doing the works we did at first” probably means returning to the work of loving Christ, loving each other and loving the lost.We need to be women whose labour in the Lord includes the labour of loving Jesus - when life smells sweet and when it stinks; loving those who are easy and those who aren’t. The same John who wrote this letter also recorded Jesus words about the necessity of abiding, in his love and his words, in John 15. We need to be remaining in a daily, personal relationship with Jesus, marked by prayer, trust and obedience.

And what does loving each other look like? Bible passages like Ephesians 4-6, 1 Corinthians 13, Romans 12 and 2 Timothy 2 paint a picture of what the labour of love looks like in daily life. Could you meet up with a friend to read these together, then pray with and for each other, that God would grow in you a love for the saved, and for the lost. Remember, the greatest works, any work at all, minus love, equals nothing, in God’s eyes (1 Corinthians 13).

Enduring with love is only possible through the power of God’s Spirit. And so we pray - for ourselves, for our husbands and for our church. We need to be praying the same prayer Paul prayed for the Ephesians – “that, being rooted and grounded in love, we may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge.” (Ephesians 3)If we’re feeling overwhelmed at the prospect of repenting, remembering and returning to our first love, Christ finishes with a promise for those who labour in their love for him. Stay tuned for next week!

restoring our love: remembering

2011-09-14T13:00:00.001+10:00

Then we can move on to remembering our first love. Christ says -

“You have abandoned the love you had at first. Remember therefore from where you have fallen.” (Revelation 2:4-5).

And how do we remember our first love?By re-acquainting ourselves with what is precious, lovely and valuable about Jesus.

In the opening verses of Ephesians 1 and 2 Paul preaches the gospel to believers. That’s what we need to be doing - preaching the gospel to ourselves and to each other.

We need to recall and recite the Scriptures to each other, reminding us of why Jesus is worthy of our greatest passion, why he deserves first place in our affections. Why not make a point of looking out for Bible passages that remind you of how you were lost, dead in your sins and facing God’s wrath but in his great love, mercy and grace, God made you alive with Christ. And memorise them.

Passages like the vision, in Revelation 5, of Christ, the slain Lamb, remind me why I should not abandon my love for him. He is totally worthy of my love and worship because by his blood he ransomed people, like me, for God. We need to be cultivating the discipline of listening less to ourselves & talking the Scriptures more to ourselves. We need to be digesting, meditating on and preaching to ourselves Scriptures that help us remember why Christ is to always be our greatest love.

We can be praying Paul’s prayer in Ephesians 3:14-19, for ourselves, each other and our churches. It’s a prayer that we will have the “strength to comprehend the breadth, length, height and depth of God’s love for us and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge.” As God grows our grasp of his love for us, then we’ll have a growing love for him and for his Son.As we let the truths of God’s love percolate through our hearts and minds, we’ll be heating up our love for Christ, instead of letting it chill.

Even if we’ve not actually abandoned our love for Christ, I’d suggest that remembering our first love is good advice for ensuring we don’t lose our love for Christ in the future.In the next post we’ll explore the last step in restoring our first love.

restoring our love: repent

2011-09-13T07:00:00.001+10:00

So far in this series, the labour of love, we have heard about the Ephesian church who though pure and persevering, were passionless. We have heard the warning Christ gave them, and thought about its application in our lives and churches. Alison continues....

Though we may not have totally lost our love for Christ, we do need to check whether our love for Christ might need of some restoration. In verse 5 of Revelation 2, Christ calls on us to restore our first love.

I guess restoring our first love is a little like assesing the state of a well worn, much loved pair of boots as the cold, winter weather begins. The boots may be quite wearable, but perhaps they need a little restoring – just a bit of a polish on the scuff marks. Or perhaps they need major attention - re-heeling, or a new sole.

Whether our love is just off the boil, lukewarm, or chilled, we need to start by repenting of any cold heartedness towards Christ, each other or the lost. The Ephesian church was told;

“remember therefore from where you have fallen; repent, and do the works you did at first.” (Revelation 2:5a)

If our churches are loveless, then our leaders need to lead us in repentance but repentance is also our individual responsibility. Our God is rich in mercy and grace (Ephesians 1:7, 2:4-7), so we repent, then humbly ask for, and thankfully receive, his forgiveness.

a chilling warning for us

2011-09-08T07:00:00.003+10:00

We continue Alison's series "the labour of love", reflections on the letter to the Ephesians in Revelation 2:1-7. We have considered its author, its recipients and its subject. We have heard how the Ephesian church was persevering and pure, yet passionless. We have heard the warning delivered to the Ephesians. Is it one also for us?

Churches are made up of individuals, like you and me, so our starting point needs to be ourselves.

“He who has an ear let him hear what the Spirit says to the to the churches” (Revelation 2:7, 11, 17 etc).

We need to check the temperature of our own love for Christ, personally and as a church.

We’re all vulnerable - remember Jesus warning in Matthew 24:12? In the last days the love of many will grow cold. Labour in the Lord is demanding; looking carefully how you walk, daily, is tiring; enduring is exhausting.

As you read this many of us are persevering in a multitude of ministries. I know you want to be godly wives, grandmothers, mothers, daughters, and sisters in Christ.

You are concerned for people in your life to know Christ (your parents, extended family, children, work colleagues, neighbours, the families at play group, preschool & school) and for believers to be walking close to Christ. You want to support your husband in his life & ministry. You’re connecting with new women at church, new Christians, struggling Christians. You want to be the older woman to younger Christian women. Some of you are financially supporting your family. You are welcoming people into your home, in the midst of intensive mothering. And on top of all that some of you are leading Bible study groups, running Play Group or Junior Jivers, teaching Sunday school, school scripture, helping out at school, not to mention homemaking!

You’re persevering and pure. But are you passionless?

We’re all investing a lot of energy into serving Christ, and it is valuable ministry that, under God, will count for eternity. But our love for Christ can be a casualty in the midst of last days living.

So, we must be watchful that our love doesn’t go missing in action! Toil, patient endurance and bearing up for Christ’s sake, never makes up for a lack of love for Christ.

We may not have totally lost our love for Christ, but we do need to check whether our love for Christ might be wandering towards the freezer.

Either way, Christ calls on us to restore our first love. And that’s the subject our posts next week.

a chilling warning for the Ephesians

2011-09-06T07:00:00.001+10:00

Having assessed the health of the Ephesian church, Christ then delivers a warning that is as chilling as their love - their light will go out. Christ graciously delivers the warning with a call to repent;

“I will come to you and remove your lampstand from its place, unless you repent.” (Revelation 2:5b).

In John’s vision the church is symbolised by a lampstand. Christ will turn out the lights of the church that labours without love, does not repent and does not act to recover their lost love. Yes, faithful, individual believers will remain, but like unrepentant Israel, the loveless church of Christ will lose their status as God’s people if they don’t repent.

Christ is not speaking of a renovation rescue on the church, but the very real possibility of a knock down!

Christ, the Lord of the church, will not sustain a gathering of people, in his name, whose loveless witness no longer glorifies him. He is perfectly able to build another church that will walk in love.

In Ephesus, apparently there is no longer a Christian church! What is there is a plaque commemorating John the apostle – a sobering reminder of the timelessness of his message!

Isn’t this a wake up call for “last days” people? People like us!