From the Heart of Alicia Marie

I want to introduce you to....

2015-06-07T16:35:00.001-05:00

My daughters.

They're 3 and (almost) 2. My 3 year old has been with us since her first birthday, just over 2 years ago. She and her brother were our very first placement. You may remember me writing about having to say goodbye to them for 2.5 months before they were miraculously brought back to us. My (almost) 2 year old came home from the hosptial at 3 days old to live with us And has been with us ever since.

Luke and I are all they remember and know.

They are ours and we are theirs.

Forever.

So, without wasting more of your time, I'd like to officially introduce you to my FOREVER daughters. Sophiana Faith (on the right) and Maya Marie (on the left).

Their adoption was finalized last Friday, May 29, 2015. We are so excited to have the court recognize what we've known from the very start...they were meant to be our daughters. Forever.

Their brother's adoption will be late October/early November. We are also close to adopting our other two daughters, J&V, but we do not have a timeline for that, yet. So, if all goes as we hope and pray, we will have 5 adopted kiddos by the end of the year!!!

So, there's my news :)

A change is coming

2015-02-09T13:22:00.001-06:00

Oh, goodness. Life. Life is a funny thing. Usually for me, life never goes as planned, but recently I've been examining my crazy, chaotic life and realized that my life has turned out almost exactly how I wanted.

With our future as a family looking bright, I can't help but be excited about what is to come.

As always, I can't give many details, but know I will be updating with a longer post soon.

I hope you're all well.
Love me,
Alicia Marie

Update

2014-07-22T13:10:00.003-05:00

I'm not sure I have a decent following on my blog anymore since I've neglected it for so long. I would apologize for not updating, but I don't feel that I should. I've been busy. I've been busy living life, being a mom, and loving my kiddos, and for that I will NEVER feel the need to apologize.

Here's a quick update on our case.

We've had our oldest two for almost 15 months, and our baby for a year this Saturday. They are getting so big, and their personalities are developing rapidly. I love watching them learn and grow.

We went to court yesterday, and the judge decided to change the plan from reunification to adoption for our girls. We have to go back in December to hear what the future of our boy will be, but for now we wait. Soon we will be served papers by the sherif which will let us know that TPR will happen in our girls' case. If all things go as planned, we could have the girls adopted within 6-9 months. So, yay for that!

That's about all I can say for now. I'll try to pop in a little more often, but I can't make that a promise. I hope you're all well.

--Alicia Marie

As of lately

2014-02-11T15:09:00.001-06:00

Hey y'all!

I'm taking a moment from laundry and the Olympics to pause and write this post. I tell myself after every post I write that I am going to keep up with my blog and am going to write regularly. Well, if you read my blog, you know I've not exactly succeeded at keeping you all updated. To be honest, once I stopped constantly talking about infertility and embraced this foster care journey, I've not found where I belong in the social media world. I began to notice that fewer people were responding to my tweets, I was not getting as many comments as I used to recieve on my blog, and I did not feel as though I fit in with the other bloggers I've been following over the last (almost) four years. Frankly, I did not (and still do not) feel as though people want to hear about our foster care journey. Granted, I'm not allowed to give details about our case, I just do not feel the kind of support I had with infertility.

So, here I am. Here's my attempt at giving you an update of some of the things we've been going through recently.

After celebrating my boy's birthday in November, we celebrated Thanksgiving with Luke's extended family. He had an aunt and uncle, cousins, and grandparents that came into Branson from the Chicago area. We had a wonderful meal, and it was SO nice to have children this year to show off. Obviously everyone was curious how this whole foster care thing works. It was hard to explain without giving too much detail.

After thanksgiving we celebrated Christmas with the kids' grandma, grandpa and aunt here in town the morning before we left for Arkansas. This Christmas was probably one of the most anticipated holidays I've ever experienced. I counted down the days until we could finally be able show the kids off to my family who has anxiously been waiting to meet them. We had three different Christmases with my family. First we spent Christmas Eve with my grandma, dad's brother and his wife, my parents and sister. Then we woke the kids up at 5am and celebrated Christmas with my parents and sister. A few days later, we had Christmas with my mom's side of the family. The kids were so blessed (or spoiled?) this year and made out with a lot of loot! After spending 7 days in Arkansas, we packed our van (literally) to the brim and headed home to Springfield.

On New Year's Day we had a late Christmas with Luke's mom, brother and his wife, and our nieces and nephew.

We were sure that with as much teething Baby M had been doing that we would return from Arkansas and she would have teeth, but here we are in February and she has yet to cut a tooth! Two and a half weeks ago, Baby M crawled for the first time, and ever since then she has not stopped moving. The day after she crawled for the first time, she pulled herself up on furniture, too. We just celebrated her half birthday a few weeks ago. I can't believe she's 6 months already. Where did my 6lb 8oz baby that I brought home from the hospital go? Her favorite thing to do is squeal with joy and say "Da Da" over and over again and laugh when I try to get her to say "mama".

My boy is becoming (and has been for a while) a very helpful, caring, and kind little man. He surprises us with his detailed stories about dinosaurs and monsters eating trees at daycare when we pick him up every day. He has quite the imagination, and he makes us laugh a lot. Yesterday I picked the kids up from daycare and after we arrived home, I helped the kids take their coats and shoes off. I sat down on the couch for a moment and out of nowhere, my boy came up to me, hugged me and said, "mommy I missed you." He then kissed me and walked away. Talk about a sweet moment. All of the tears I cry over infertility seem to fade away in moments like that. My mommy heart was definitely full.

My oldest girl has suddenly blossomed into an opinionated, sassy, beautiful girl. She's not quite two, but some days I feel that we are living through the terrible twos, and other days it feels so easy and fun to play and interact with her. She is using more words rather than screaming these days, and it has been so cool to see her start to grow up and express herself more. This is a huge thing for her.

Every day with the kids isn't perfect, and it's not always fun, but they make it so easy to love them. I couldn't have asked for a more perfect sibling group to fit into our family.

They are the reason I get out of bed every morning. They make me want to be the best person I can be, and I hope that I can bring out the best in them, as well.

We have court in April that needs to be covered in prayer. This will be their permanency hearing, so we will find out what the judge has to say about the future of our case and where it might be heading in the future.

As always I appreciate those of you who have stayed with me after all this time to read my blog. Your comments and emails are always appreciated, as are your prayers.

Moving on

2013-11-01T15:25:00.000-05:00

I'm back in the land of blogs. Well, for now. I realize I pretty much stink at updating my blog these days. Sorry about that.

This post may be all over the place, but I hope you're able to follow.

After the girls left in September, things got crazy. My life was turned upside down, and I was struggling with managing my emotions and reorganizing my life to serve a family of five rather than seven. I'll admit, this has been one of the worst transitions I've been through. I've never been one to fully embrace transitions, but this time I had no choice but to hang on and hope that I survived. Oh! Good news.

I did.

I survived.

Not only did I survive, but I am managing quite well considering what I went through in September. Of course I have my insanely emotional moments where I just want to put on my comfy pants and a baggy t-shirt, crawl under my covers and cry for no apparent reason, but then those moments pass. I move on.

My life the last month and a half has been completely centered around our three kids. They keep me going. They have brought so much meaning to my life, and I am so thankful for them.

I've had a mommy and son date where I took him to the park and fed the ducks, played, and laughed together. We've been to the park as a family to explore the cave and to observe the beauty that fall brings to our neighborhood. We've also taken the children to Rutledge Wilson Farm to explore their pumpkin patch. And as of yesterday, we were able to participate in trick or treating with OUR KIDS for the first time.

I'm amazed at where we are in life right now. This time last year I was still wiping away tears as I read blogs of mommas taking their kiddos out the night before. Pictures of their excursions were on ever social media site. But this year was different. Some days I wonder just how we got here, and other days I am smacked in the face by exactly what circumstances brought us to where we are now. No matter the circumstances we've been through, I will always be thankful for where we are today.

We have three beautiful children that I adore. They'll never fully understand the depth of my love for them. The love I have for them extends far beyond their comprehension. I love them so much that I never want to spend a day of my life without them. They fill that hole inside my heart that has been there for years as I longed for children. But, I also love them so much that if their parents were able to truly get their lives together and were able to take care of the children the way they deserve, I would hand them back over to them because that is where they belong.

That's the hard part of being a foster parent. Knowing that we may have to say goodbye one day but loving them unconditionally while they're with you is so hard, but it is SO worth it. We have to allow ourselves to love. To hurt. To move past situations that arise. But that doesn't mean we ever forget.

We will never forget all of the memories we shared with the girls during those four months they were in our home. I will always love them. Always. We'll never forget the girls, but we had to move on. We have three amazing kiddos to love, nurture, and cherish. We owe it to them to let go of our hurt and give them all of our attention.

Here's to a new transition. I'm moving on.

There are no words

2013-09-24T13:10:00.000-05:00

There really are no words to describe just how hurt I have been in the last few weeks. This foster care thing is no joke. Anything can happen. The children can be taken away from you at any time with little or no warning. No goodbyes. Sleepless nights. Tear stained pillows. Broken hearts, and shattered reputations.

It all comes with the territory, but it's hard. So hard that it makes me want to quit. It makes me want to give up and turn my back on a broken system that is only hurting the children more.

I don't understand why these things have happened, and I'm not sure I ever will.

I keep trying to keep busy, to keep my mind off of the last two weeks, but I can't.

I. Just. Can't.

Things they never told me

2013-08-22T00:04:00.003-05:00

When we started the process of becoming foster parents, they prepared us for a lot of things. They prepared us for bad behavior, parental visits, and even reunification. We were told horrible stories about bio-parents and some of the things they try (and most of the time get away with) throughout the child's time in care. But of all the things they prepared us for, they never prepared us for what it would be like to actually like and care for the children's bio-parents. They also never prepared us for liking the bio-parents and then getting hurt by their mean and stabbing comments.

I learned first hand today what it felt like to have my feelings hurt by a bio-parent. Let me tell you, it wasn't fun. There were a lot of emotions attached to the hurt I felt.

First I was angry. Fuming, in fact. I wanted to respond with the same kind of stabbing comments like the ones that were directed at me. I wanted to tell this person exactly what I give up on a daily basis in order to take care of HER children. I wanted to tell her that instead of turning my back on her children, we chose to love them through their (horrible!) behaviors and stick with them even when we felt that we couldn't handle them any longer. But, I didn't.

I chose to be silent.

The more I thought about her words to me, the more my insecurities began to surface. I felt degraded,
unimportant, and just plain hurt.

As the day progressed, I asked myself, "why do you care so much?" and my response surprised me. I care because she matters. Her thoughts, feelings matter, too. I care for her. She is the mother of my (foster) children, how can I not care for her? She's just as human as you and me. What makes her any less important or valuable than I am? Nothing. NOTHING makes her any less important or valuable. Every person, no matter what their past or even what their current lifestyle reflects, is just as important and valuable as the next person is.

I see foster parenting as my ministry. I've always excelled at forming relationships with people. This is great for me, as I am able to bond much quicker with children. It is also great because I am very understanding, and I care deeply about the people that are in my life, so I am able to care for bio-parents during this process. I see the bio-parents not for their mistakes in life (cause Lord knows we all screw up!), but for who they could be.

Maybe the words spoken to me were truly meant to hurt me, or maybe they came from a deeper, darker place where she is hurting and they came out of fears of her own. Either way, I can't respond to her words with hate or revenge for the pain she caused me. In fact, I must do the opposite. I must show her love. Even when I'm hurting, and even when it's hard, I must always show her grace and understanding.

By extending her grace, I am showing her a glimpse of what Christ does for us on a daily basis. Christ extends His grace to us even when we do not deserve it...even when we have failed Him over and over again.

After all, His love (and grace) never fails...it never gives us...it never runs out on me.

2+5=?

2013-08-20T15:11:00.000-05:00

If you did your math correctly, the answer is 7. The two represents Luke and myself. The five represents the amount of foster children we now have, and seven would be the number of people living in my house. Yes, that's right folks. We have FIVE children. Five children under the age of 4. That's a 4yro, 2yro (almost 3), 2yro, 1yro, and a 1 month old. Four of them are in diapers and/or pull-ups. Go ahead and say it...We're "crazy" (that's what everyone seems to think, anyway).

So, here's the story...

Remember me telling you about us having Baby M placed with us? Well, she is the youngest sibling of a group of three. The older two (Mr. Dinosaur and Miss Cuddle Bug) were our first placements that were taken to another foster home a week after being placed with us. After Baby M was placed with us last month, the team and the judge decided that all three children were to be placed together. Luke and I were willing to make room for the children if licensing would approve us for five placements. After several phone calls and emails, we had the approval we were seeking, and the children moved in with us.

We had to make several adjustments from going from two children, to three, and then suddenly to five children. I had to quit my job. I mean, I had to resign immediately the day i found out we were getting Mr. Dinosaur and Miss Cuddle Bug back. I didn't have time for a two week notice, my time had to be spent with five children. There was no way I could be a full time mom, full time employee, and a full time student as well. It would have been too much for me. The kids need me to give my best to them, and that's what I'm doing. We also had to buy a van. The little vehicle we had barely fit two toddlers and an infant, so there was no way we could put five kids in it. So, now we have a new (to us) van, and we are back to being a two vehicle family! (Can I get a THANK YOU JESUS for not having to drive Luke to work EVERY morning!?!?!) People donated clothing to us, and we also had a crib given to us as well. We've been so blessed by people and their generosity. I couldn't be more grateful.

I'm not going to lie, our house always has clothes, sippy cups, or food on the floor. The laundry machines are pretty much always running, and I never seem to be able to reach the bottom of the laundry basket before it is filled up again. But, you know what? I wouldn't change it...not even one bit!

The endless amounts of laundry, the plethora of dirty dishes, and the toys scattered across the floor mean nothing to me. It's the children that mean the world to me, and I will do whatever I can for them and will take care of them as best as we possibly can.

We've taken on a lot of responsibility with having five placements that are all so young, but they are our world. With every little cry, we respond with hugs and kisses. With every temper tantrum they have, we respond with love and understanding. These kids have been through so much in their short little lives so far, and we want what's best for them.

We know that reunification is always the goal, and we fully support that, but in the meantime...while we wait to see what happens with the children, we love them with all of our hearts. We care for them like there are no other responsibilities in life besides them. We let them know every day that when they come home from wherever they've been (whether that be daycare or visits with their parents) that they are safe and will be taken care of.

We may only live in a house with less than 1,000 sq. ft., but our home is bursting with lots of love and laughter, and I wouldn't want it any other way.

Insecurely: A Spoken Word

2013-07-18T15:00:00.001-05:00

Please take the time to watch this. Ladies--You ARE enough. Please share this with your friends and your family. It's time that women realize that they're worth so much more than what society says they are.

So ladies. Stand up. Be strong. And know that YOU ARE ENOUGH!

Foster Care--Part 2: Two Months

2013-07-15T09:15:00.001-05:00

In my last post, I told you about our first placements, the two little children that instantly stole my heart. The children whose absence I mourned for another month and a half after they were gone to be a part of another foster family. Thankfully, time does help heal a broken heart, and so do new placements. The day that I found out that our first placements were going to be leaving the following day, I was talking to my friend who went through foster care classes with us. I was asking her if she had gotten any new placements and how things were going with her current placement at that time. She told me they had gotten several calls for huge sibling groups or really young kids and that they had just turned down a placement for a one and three year old little girl. Immediately I began asking questions. “How old are they again?” “Have they found a home for them yet?” “Do you know how to get a hold of the caseworker in charge of those little girls?” My friend was very helpful and gave me all the information that she knew. By the end of our conversation, I had the caseworker’s name and phone number. As soon as the conversation with my friend ended, I immediately called the caseworker. There was no answer (Granted, it was 8:30 at night), and I got the voicemail. Through tears, I left a long voicemail telling her how our placements were leaving the following day and that my husband and I would love to take the girls if she had not found a home for them yet. I knew that I couldn’t wait a long time for the next placement. I was so heartbroken, and I knew that the only way to help me move on was to get new placements. It’s something that I was told by another foster family, too. They said, “don’t wait too long to get new placements when yours leave. It’s easier that way.” To an extent, they were right, but it took a long time let go of the hurt we had from losing our first placements. After leaving a voicemail for the caseworker, I went to bed. I had been crying all day and my heart felt like it was in a million pieces.

I went to work the next morning a complete mess. I locked myself in my office and cried until I ran out of tears. My anxiety level was through the roof. I knew that in just a few hours I had to leave work and drive home to meet the caseworker so she could pick up the kids and take them to their new foster home. As the hours at work passed, I kept checking my phone in hopes that the caseworker for the girls might have returned my call. Eleven o’clock came, and I left work to go home. On my drive home, I called the caseworker again, and she finally answered! She told me that she had been meaning to call me, but that she has been trying to contact my licensing worker to make sure it was okay for us to take the girls. She was finally able to get a hold of our licensing worker, and after a few other phone calls to her supervisor, we had the OK to get the girls as our new placements. At that time, the girls were in respite care after being moved two times in two weeks. I had a few more days of work to finish before I was off for the summer, so six days after our first placements left, the girls were dropped off to live with us. That was May 15. Today is exactly two months since the girls came into our lives. If you had asked me the day I said goodbye to our first placements if I would ever love another placement as much as I did the first ones, I would have told you absolutely not. But, thankfully that was not the case, and these two girls (who I lovingly call “Little Momma” and “Miss Curly”) have stolen my heart, too. I don’t feel as though they’re my foster children. I feel like they’re my own children, like there was never a time in our lives where they weren’t around.

I really can’t describe how the last two months with the girls have gone. There are so many emotions that come with foster care, and I’m pretty sure I’ve felt all of them all. Every day that passes I fall in love with the girls even more, and I am filled with even more joy because of them.

This is our 3 year old, "Little Momma"

This is our 1 year old, "Miss Curly"

Foster Care--part 1

2013-06-14T22:06:00.000-05:00

The last you heard, Luke and I were going through our Foster Care classes and in the process of getting everything ready to become licensed. Well, I can gratefully say that we are now licensed AND we are foster parents now, too!

We were officially licensed April 26. We waited (im)patiently to get a phone call for our first placements. We slept with our cell phones in bed with us and the sound on high. We constantly kept checking our phones "just in case" we missed a call. Heck, we took our phones everywhere, bathroom included. We just didn't want to miss a phone call.

Finally, after exactly a week, we got a call for a placement for a one year old girl (it was her birthday!) and a two year old boy. We took them. In fact, we agreed to take them so quickly that it took a few minutes after hanging up with caseworker before we realized what we had just done. Needless to say, we were thrilled. We met the caseworker at the agency and picked up the children. Instantly, my heart melted. I held the baby so close and my heart jumped for joy because finally my arms weren't empty, but at the same time it was broken because they had a mom and dad somewhere out there that was missing out on their baby's first birthday.

We loved the children instantly. It was the most amazing feeling Luke and I have been able to experience. The look in Luke's eyes as he rocked the baby girl to sleep just absolutely made me fall in love with him all over again. We ended up having the first FST/Court after 6 days of having them. When I got to the FST, I didn't know what to think. I was alone. Scared. Terrified, in fact. I had never done anything like that before, and there I was...just sitting there trying not to cry in front of all the strangers in the waiting room. By the end of the FST, I was told that the children would be going to a family member's house. A few hours passed and my phone rang. I was sitting at home, crying in my husbands recliner. I picked up the phone and answered it. It was the caseworker. She said that the judge had changed his mind, and the kids were going to be picked up the very next day and would be taken to another foster family that had previous connections with the children when they were babies. It was at that moment my heart felt the deepest pain it has ever felt. I had spent those six days loving those two precious babies with all my heart, and suddenly they were being taken away from me, and I didn't know if I'd ever see them again.

I couldn't sleep. I couldn't function. I couldn't do anything but cry. It amazed me at the responses I received as I was grieving the soon-to-be loss of my first foster placements. I was told that I was not fit to be a foster parent, and that I should consider adopting instead (like I hadn't ever considered that before). It wasn't just one person that made that statement. I heard it multiple times from several different people. Apparently it's not okay to grieve the loss of children because they're not my own. I say bull crap! Those children filled a part of my heart that only God and myself knew about. So, for anyone to say that I was wrong for loving them too much, I say back off! Who is going to love the children if I don't? If I don't give them all of my love, like they deserve, what good is there in being a foster parent?

The next day (May 9) arrived. The caseworker picked the kids up from our house, and Luke and I watched them drive away. I held it together as we put them in the car and said goodbye. As the caseworker pulled away from our driveway, we waved to them and yelled that we loved them. We turned around to head into the house and Luke and I just broke into tears. It felt like our entire world came crashing down...because it had.

It's been over a month since the children have been gone, but I still think of them daily. I still look at their photos on my phone. I pray for them daily, and I hope with every fiber of my being that when we said goodbye to them that day that it wouldn't be the last time we see them again.

We loved deeply, and we got hurt. That's the price we pay for being foster parents, but I'm okay with that. No matter how much it hurts, I'd do it over and over again knowing that I was a part of the children's lives, even for a short time.

This was taken as I was packing "Mr. Dinosaur's" bag so that he could leave our home.

Here is me and "Cuddle Bug." This was right after the last bath I gave her. Sweet moments.

Shifting

2013-04-24T09:41:00.000-05:00

As Luke and I are getting closer to having children in our home, the realization that things are going to be really different is setting in. The differences in our lives are becoming more and more noticeable with every day that passes.

Our relationships with people (and each other) have started to change. Luke and I have spent a lot of time recently trying to establish our lives as a normal couple again. Ever since the beginning of our marriage (especially after my first miscarriage in '09), our life together has been spent worrying and stressing over our infertility. We had lost focus on the wonderful thing that God had given us--each other. We were too busy going from one appointment to the next. Taking this medicine and that. Wondering how we were going to pay for the next ultrasound or blood draw. It was tiring, and unfortunately we simply just lost focus on one another. On our relationship. But, thankfully I can now say that life is different for us. Just this morning, Luke and I cuddled, laughed, had breakfast together, and we talked about our future with foster care--and all of that was before 7 A.M. Instead of focusing on getting pregnant and then trying to remain pregnant, we have shifted our lives back where they should have been all along--celebrating the gift of marriage. I cannot count the amount of laughs we have shared the last few months. There was a good year in my life where I couldn't laugh, but all I could do was cry. The pictures people have of me during that time show an Alicia that looked sad, lonely, and rarely (if ever) smiled. I'm so thankful that I'm finding my smile again.

Also, I've noticed that rather than being drawn to infertility blogs, I've shifted to foster care and adoption blogs. I've taken myself off most of the social media groups about infertility, as well. It's not that I am better than anyone going through infertility. Even though I'm going to have children in my home, some who we may end up adopting or some who may go back to their biological parents, I'm still infertile. That deep longing to bear my own child is still there. Having children in my home will not change my PCOS, my inability to have a successful pregnancy, or my infertility. It is what it is.

With that said, inevitably, my blog will begin to shift. When I first began to blog, it was all about random things going on in my life. Then during my infertility struggles, my blog became my solace. The one place I could go to where I felt completely accepted. I could write down those dark emotions and purge myself of those horrible thoughts. Now that we're going to be foster parents, naturally my posts will shift from infertility related things to 2am feedings and diaper changing stories. That's okay, though. This has been what I've wanted for so, SO long.

We have a lot to look forward to, and we are so excited to share (what we can) with you.

Blessings,

Alicia Marie

What Easter 2013 means to me

2013-03-30T22:12:00.000-05:00

Usually as a holiday approaches, I begin to get cranky, emotional, and lonely. Easter has never been the exception to those feelings. Normally the pictures of parents and their children dyeing eggs, going Easter egg hunting, and all of the cute Sunday clothes get to me...but this year? This year is different.

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about Easter. The sacrifice of Christ giving up His life for me so that I can have hope. A future. After almost three years of infertility, I finally feel like I have hope and a future worth looking forward to.

As of Wednesday, March 27, 2013, Luke and I have jumped through all the hoops of becoming foster parents. We have completed all 10 weeks of the STARS classes, taken the CPR/First Aid class, and had 4 visits with our licensing worker. So, now, we wait. Our licensing worker is finishing up our homestudy, and she is going to be sending it to us to proof read this Wednesday. We'll send it back to her and she'll make the correct adjustments (if any), and then she will send it to the agency to read and approve.

Y'all, we are so close. There is FINALLY a light at the end of the tunnel. The closer I walk to that metaphorical light, the warmer my heart becomes. It dawned on me today that this is our last Easter without children. *insert high pitched squeals* Year after year, holiday after holiday I have been telling myself that "this will be the last time we have to celebrate alone," and now I can finally say it and truly know that it really is the last time.

So whether you have children or you are still waiting, know that there is hope. My hope lies in Jesus Christ. The author and perfecter of my faith.

May your Easter be filled with joy, peace, love, and most of all..HOPE!

"Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God." ~Hebrews 12:2~

Let's celebrate--Scentsy style

2013-03-08T08:27:00.000-06:00

Today marks my 1 year anniversary of being a Scentsy consultant. I've been blessed to be a part of this wonderful company for the last year, and I want to celebrate!!! So, to celebrate, I'm offering a "Scentiversary" special for anyone that orders through me or my March online party today. I am offering my best special yet! Again, this special is good for TODAY ONLY (3/8/13)!!! You seriously don't want to miss this. :) Contact me if you want to cash in on my anniversary special!

My website is https://aliciamarie911.scentsy.us

If you have any questions or want to know my special, here's how you can contact me

email me at scentsationalgal@yahoo.com or

find my Scentsy Facebook page or

tweet me

Let's be real

2013-02-26T19:59:00.001-06:00

Normally when I've been gone from my blog this long, I give an apology and tell you how much I've missed being on here. Well, I'm gonna be real with you in this post. I don't miss my blog. Not now, anyway.

Life has been going nonstop for me ever since the beginning of the year. I'm constantly on the go and it seems like I don't even have time to breathe. Quite honestly, I've almost reached my breaking point. Between Clomid screwing with my emotional state (also, my first round of clomid failed--hence part of my emotional state is because I'm heartbroken...again!), and my busy schedule screwing with my physical state, I've just about had it. At times, I just want to give up. Often, I've thought to myself that I want to completely quit school (even though I'm graduating this year!) and just go to work and then come home and sleep. One day, I even posted this on my board at work because I was having such a horrible morning.

The only thing that has really been my saving grace, especially the past few days, has been the little calendar that sits on my desk at work. It's a daily blessings calendar that that has an inspirational quote or scripture on it. Every day, before I even log on my computer, I turn the page on my calendar, and much to my surprise, lately it has been exactly what I've needed to lean on to get me through my day. Here are some of my favorites for those of you who do not follow me on Instagram, Facebook, or Twitter to see from the past few months. Hopefully they speak to your heart like they have mine!

This one is actually from a book I was reading at the beginning of the year

Pictures!!!

2013-02-05T14:26:00.003-06:00

Hubs and I had our pictures taken a few weeks ago, and I've shared them on every social media outlet that I have--except here. So, here you go. Photo credit goes to my friend and amazing photographer, Andrew Breault !!!

Pancakes made me cry

2013-01-28T08:39:00.000-06:00

It was Saturday morning, and I had woken up early. I decided that I wanted to surprise hubs and make pancakes for breakfast since we never have them. I don't know what came over me that day, but I wanted to venture out of my comfort zone and make it from scratch--which I never do! So, I got dressed and ran to the store while hubs was still sleeping, and I got the ingredients that I needed to make pancakes.

When I got home hubs was already awake, and he saw the sack from the store, and he started questioning what I was doing. I told him I was going to make pancackes, and he asked why I didn't buy the mix that was already made. I didn't tell him, but I was annoyed. Why couldn't he just understand that I was putting myself out of my comfort zone just to surprise him!?!? On a Saturday! I'm no Betty Crocker by any means, but at least I was wanting to try, and if I were to be honest--I have this underlying fear.

I'm afraid I won't be a good enough mother.

There. I said it.

I want to be the mom that makes a wonderful breakfast for her children on Saturday mornings. One that can cook almost anything. Especially pancakes. What child doesn't love pancakes. Surely if I could master pancakes, my children will love me. Right?

Well, I guess my logic was that if I started practicing now, I could master cooking by the end of our foster care licensing process. Crazy? Maybe. But, I can be a high achiever.

So, I started making the batter for the pancakes and realized that it was runny. I was confused. I followed that recipe word for word. I've seen pancake batter before, and it shouldn't be that runny. I started freaking out. I couldn't understand what had gone wrong. Determined to make those darn homemade pancakes for my husband, I started pouring the batter in the pan. I watched, with tears in my eyes, as the batter started to bubble. I knew it would be time to flip the pancake soon, so I turned around to get the spatula. As I turned around, I saw hubs adding flour to my batter. I asked him what he was doing, and he said, "I'm trying to fix it." Anger began to build inside me.

All I wanted was to surprise him. I didn't want him to "fix" my problem. I wanted him to accept my gesture. I was trying to be a good wife. I was practicing to be a good mom, but it just wasn't good enough.

I wasn't good enough.

When I grabbed the spatula from the drawer and went to flip the pancake, hubs spoke up and said, "what are you doing, it's not ready." Those words were like a huge dagger to my heart. Tears began to flow down my face. I dropped the spatula on the cabinet and ran to the bedroom. I couldn't keep it in any longer.

I felt like such a failure. I couldn't even surprise my husband with pancakes. "How will I ever be a good mom," I thought.

And just like that, I questioned my self worth.

Will I ever be the wife I want to be? Will I be a good mom? All sorts of questions ran through my mind.

I know it sounds stupid, but I've been struggling with all sorts of things lately. I guess that's part of this whole foster care thing. The classes, the homework, and the home visits make me wonder how I'll respond to situations, whether or not that mothering instinct will kick in, and if so--when?

I know I'm a girl, and we're naturally emotional, but lately it's little things that get me. Maybe it's the extra hormones I have flowing through my body--Thank you, Clomid! But, like I said, it's the little things that get me...

Like pancakes.

Who knew pancakes could make me cry!?!?

Hello grief, there you are again....

2013-01-16T22:48:00.000-06:00

I was on the phone with our caseworker who finally called today. We were discussing our first home visit and all the paperwork we'll need to have completed before we meet with her. We had been waiting for her to call for weeks. It was a special moment, planning for our future, and just like that...grief blindsided me. I began to suddenly think of all the things we're going to miss out on now that we're going to be foster parents.

I won't get to experience the joy of people congratulating me on a pregnancy. I won't get to feel a baby move for the first time in my stomach. I won't get to go to doctor's appointments and look forward to ultrasounds that show a growing baby. I won't be able to have a baby shower with beautifully wrapped presents with cute little bows. All of the aspects of pregnancy, even the morning sickness and midnight cravings, I mourn tonight.

I know what we're doing is going to make a lasting impact on other people, but for right now, my heart hurts. I'm not sure that it's jealousy that I'm feeling, but more of a huge void that won't be fulfilled. I'll always wonder what it would have been like to be pregnant through all three trimesters and leave a hospital with a baby (or two!) in our arms.

This is supposed to be a happy, anticipating time in our lives (and it is), but right now, at this moment...I can't help but wonder "what if."

Parenthood

2013-01-14T13:30:00.000-06:00

“Incredible change happens in your life when you decide to take control of what you do have power over instead of craving control over what you don't.”

--Steve Maraboli

For 2 years, 5 months, 3 weeks, and 5 days, I’ve tried to control something I never had control over in the first place. Trying to have a baby, as I’ve often mentioned, took over my life. I tried to control my body, but as I’ve sadly had to learn, my body is just as stubborn as I am, and it doesn’t take commands very well. I finally had to learn to let go of the selfishness of wanting to have my own baby (I’ll blog about that soon), and I had to let God open my eyes to the other door that He has opened for us.

So, that other door I just mentioned? Yeah, about that…let me explain. After Luke and I exhausted every ounce of money we could come up with, without getting a loan, to pay for infertility medicines and doctor appointments, we’ve decided to pursue parenthood via a different route.

We’re going to be foster parents.

Today, Luke and I are beginning this new journey knowing that we’ve got a long road ahead of us. Fostering won’t be easy. Many of the children that are being pushed around in the foster care system come from very tough situations, and many children have behavioral and even development problems. We’re well aware that we could parent children for a year or more and then have them reunited with their parents, but we know reunification is the goal of fostering, and we’ll deal with that when the time comes.

But, in the meantime, we’re so excited to start this new journey. Tonight we have our first Foster Care class. The classes are on Monday nights from 6:00-9:00PM, and they last for 10 weeks. So, if all our paperwork and home-study gets approved the way it should (I mean, we’ve never been arrested and we don’t live in a cardboard box), we will be licensed on March 18, 2013 which means we can finally be parents. (I tear up just thinking about it!)

The road to becoming parents has been a long one filled with heartache and lots of tears, but I’m so thankful (no matter how painful it has been) that I had to go through everything. Yes, I wish that we could have been able to bring home the two babies we lost along the way to parenthood, but even through the loss, I’ve learned so much (I’ll blog about that soon, too!).

I want to say a huge thank you to everyone for your kind words, thoughts, and prayers over the last few years. I sincerely hope that you’ll continue to follow my journey to motherhood via fostering to adopt.

With lots of joy and anticipation,

Alicia Marie

Goodbye and Hello

2012-12-31T20:28:00.002-06:00

Many fellow bloggers are writing their end of the year blogs. Some are writing about the wonderful things that 2012 brought them, while others are painfully writing about their losses. For me, 2012 wasn't a total bust. I mean--I'm still alive. That's a good thing, no?

Instead of writing a list of the good and the bad things that 2012 threw at me, I'll just say this...

"To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heavens."--Ecclesiastes 3:1 (KJV)

2012 was just another season in my life, and if I were to be honest--it was a very testing season. Every aspect of my life was tested.

Today, I sit here thankful that I made it. I made it to the end of the year. 2013 is here, and that can only mean one thing.

Renewed hope.

So, whether 2012 was a year of triumphs or failures, losses or gains, I pray that 2013 brings you an abundance of peace, love, encouragement, and many many blessings.

Love,

Alicia Marie

Christmas in Arkansas

2012-12-27T20:56:00.002-06:00

Merry (belated) Christmas to all of you. This year, like every year, Luke and I spent Christmas in Arkansas. When we left Springfield, we still had snow on the ground from the night before. My dad made a comment that I needed to bring the snow with me, so like the good daughter I am--I did just that. Ohhhh boy! We had lots of snow. about 5 inches worth. The snow started Christmas night and went through the next day. When I woke up the day after Christmas, I was surrounded by a beautiful winter wonderland. Here are some of the pictures from the trip to Arkansas.

SNOW!!

Gorgeous!

The front yard

Hubs had the sickies the whole time we were in. He was such a trooper

The lake in my parent's town. Cox Creek.

I let my little sister dye the tips of my hair purple...with kool aid.

Mom's Christmas tree

Hubs and I at Cox Creek the day we got there

My parent's back yard

The side of the yard

Big, fluffy tree with snow

Love the trees

Pretty tree

The shed in my parent's backyard

I pray you and your families had a blessed Christmas.

All I have left to say is 2013, here we come!

Dear life, STOP IT!

2012-12-02T17:25:00.000-06:00

Saying that life this past month has been rough would be a major understatement. Basically, our lives have been turned upside down slowly for the last two years, but this past week, the bottom fell out. I feel as though I'm in a constant battle with life. One day I feel like I'm floating along nicely, and then all the sudden life tosses us around like a rag doll and nearly tears us to shreds.

I'm desperately trying to keep my head held high, but most days it's hard. I will say, I'm thankful for a job that I still love. Every day, I don't grumble when I have to get out of bed and go to work. I want to work. That has been my saving grace.

Both Luke and I have talked the last few weeks. We're both slowly slipping into depression. I see it in him. He withdraws from people, talks less, and just looks sad. I, too, am struggling with depression. This isn't anything new for me. In fact, I've come out of depression enough times the last few years that I see the signs on my own. I become snappy, I begin to withdraw from people, I am overly sensitive and cry (all the time), and I want sweet tea and chocolate more than normal. I'm not going to lie, it has been a rough year (or 3). I try not to focus on the negative things (which is one thing after another these days), but most days it's all that crosses my mind.

I need prayer. Luke needs prayer. Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers because we desperately need it.

Just like everything else that life has thrown our way, I know that it will all be okay in the end. But, in the midst of major trials, it's hard to see past our current situation and trust in something that seems impossible.

Broken--By Lifehouse

The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time
I am here still waiting though i still have my doubts
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain, there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you

The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead
I still see your reflection inside of my eyes
That are looking for a purpose, they're still looking for life

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
with a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain (in the pain), is there healing
In your name (in your name) I find meaning

So I'm holdin' on,

I'm holdin' on,

I'm holdin' on

I'm barely holdin' on to you

I'm hangin' on another day
Just to see what you throw my way
And I'm hanging on to the words you say
You said that I will be OK

The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone
I may have lost my way now, haven't forgotten my way home

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
with a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain(In the pain) there is healing
In your name I find meaning

So I'm holdin' on,

I'm holdin' on,

I'm holdin' on,
I'm barely holdin' on to you

I'm holdin' on,

I'm holdin' on,

I'm holdin' on,
I'm barely holdin' on to you

It's a God thing

2012-11-14T11:03:00.003-06:00

The coolest thing happened today on my way into work. Every day I play a Hillsong CD in my car, and I listen to it all the way to and from work (and anywhere I go!). I’m obsessed with this CD to say the least. Anyway, one of my favorite songs on the CD has always been desert song. I have often repeated it over and over again just because the lyrics ring so true to my life.

Today, I came into work a little later than normal because I stayed almost an hour later yesterday. On my way to work, the desert song came on and I started thinking about all that Luke and I are going through with finances, infertility, and marital issues. The part of the song that says,

“And this is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved
Of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flames”

was playing and I looked over to my left and I was passing the Head Start bus as it was going to Springfield to the discovery center and I was headed to work. Something inside me, deep down, said it’s all going to be alright. Chills ran down my spine, tears began to form in my eyes. Just as I passed the Head Start bus and it was out of my sight, the lyrics that say,

“All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing I have a reason to worship”

were playing. How fitting. Sometimes I need a reminder that everything will be okay. God has me exactly where he wants me. He knew I needed a reminder today. He knew my heart had been breaking more these last few days than they have been in the past. I count it a blessing to be where I am. It’s definitely a God thing that I’m in this position. He knew I needed great, supportive, CHRISTIAN people in my life (especially Jennifer--the other family advocate—she’s such a blessing to me, and she has no idea!) that I can talk to about things and that I needed these kiddos to help fill that deep void in my life.

How great is our God?

Greater than my words could ever express.

Let's talk about boobies.

2012-10-18T16:56:00.000-05:00

Ummm, hello October! Where did you come from?

I can't believe that we're halfway through October and sailing towards November. Crap, time seems to fly when life gets busy!

I guess you could say that I'm a busy lady. I started classes back up after taking a little bit of a Summer break for my Vegas trip. So, alongside my 18 hour school schedule, I got a promotion at the beginning of October. I say it's a promotion because it's a better position, and I'm making more money with a solid 40 hours a week. So, starting October 4th, I'm the new Family Advocate for Ozark Head Start. I'd explain to you what I do, but I could be talking all day long. Basically, I do a lot of case management. I think it's cool, I mean...I'm enjoying it so far. The best part is that I get my own office. Granted it's the size of a closet, but it's mine. ALL MINE!

October has been a whirlwind of emotions for me. I know I'm already overly emotional as it is, but this has sent them through the roof. Now is the time where I'm going to discuss the title of this blog.

So, let's talk about boobies. All women have them. Some big. Some small. They come in all shapes and sizes, but I'm not here to talk about everyone elses boobies. I'm here to talk about mine. Specifically, my left one.

What had been a month or so of excitement for me over the recent development of my growing boobies has now turned into panic. For about two months my breasts were growing. I grew almost a cup and a half in two months, randomly. No, I'm not pregnant. Well, after about a month of both of my girls growing, the left one stopped, while the right continued on being a champ at growing. This concerned me. Although I didn't really think anything about it at the time, I thought it was odd that the left one would just randomly stop growing. About two weeks ago I began to notice that the left breast was changing shape, but only part of it. It was a shape that neither of my breasts had ever been, even at my smallest size. This REALLY started to concern me. I began to watch it for a few days and noticed that a section on the left side of my breast was starting to swell and redden while the rest was pasty white like the rest of my body. And oh how they hurt. Talk about TENDER! Anyway, I decided to finally get it checked out. It's like something inside my mind clicked and said, "go to the doctor!" So, after consulting with my trainer at work and a few other women, I decided that taking off from my new job to get it checked out was in my best interest.

I originally tried getting into my new gyno's office to have her check it out. And, with my luck, she was booked solid until December. Yeah, that's not what I wanted to hear, so I did some calling around and found out that I could go to a walk-in clinic for them to do an exam and look at it. So, that's what I did.

I went in to the walk-in clinic and the doctor looked at it. She could definitely see the difference in size, which is what bothers me the most I think (I feel gross!), and she could also see the swollen/reddened area that I was telling her about. Along with the swollen part, the area underneath my breast has begun to flatten out. It's no longer round, but more flat than anything. Weird, and TMI, I know. Anyway, she was concerned, so she has referred me to Hulston Cancer Center here in Springfield.

On November 1, they're going to do an ultrasound and mammogram to test me for breast cancer...WOW! Did I really just say that? Breast Cancer. Yikes. I'm gonna be honest. This is scary. Terrifying, in fact. I'm 23 years old, I shouldn't have to worry about something like this. I don't understand what God is doing to me. Even if it's not cancer, the fact that I'm having to go through this trial, all while sufferring from over 2 years of infertility, just sucks. Plain and simple.

You know, I told someone last week this, and I meant it. I'm so tired of my life falling apart; I'm ready for my life to fall together.

Three years

2012-09-19T08:30:00.000-05:00

Three years ago today, when I slipped this puffy white dress over my head, I never imagined that the life I had planned in my mind would not play out how I had always imagined.

I had no comprehension of what it truly meant to say "for better or worse."

I had no idea that one day, I'd have to let go of my two babies that I'd never get the chance to meet, all for reasons I'll never understand this side of heaven.

That day, on September 19, 2009, I had no idea how many days I would find myself needing to pray but would never have the right words to say, so instead...I cried.

But it's days like today where I'm thankful for a husband that knows when I just need him to hold my hand...

...or to guide me when I feel as though I have lost sight of where our lives are taking us...or when I feel like I can't continue this path we've been put on...

...and he even knows when to leave me alone because I have the "I'm going to kill you" look on my face.

And sure, there even have been days that I just needed my mom to be here and tell me everything will be okay and to wipe away my tears...

But, through the trials of the last three years, we've laughed and cried...and we've eaten lots of cake!

And the best part of the last three years has been spending it with the man I love.

Happy Anniversary, Luke.

I love you.