In The Mind Of Chardonnay

Torn between two

2012-11-19T07:44:00.000-08:00

I cannot even make up my mind. You told me he's not good enough for me, but it seems I'm not good enough for you. I told you, all I wanted was you. You know me better then any other. Know what to say when I get upset. You know me so well. I do not want to start over again. We cant be just be friends, because then I may not speak to you as I should. You give advice to people. But you cant use your own advice. To pass love. Is it my pass? what did I do to make you not trust me. Sometimes I feel you are playing games with me. Testing me. Like I am not worth it to you at all. Your wrong the man I date is worth it and he is good enough for me. You may not think so. But now I do not care what you think. You had your chance. There is no friends. I am a women who knows what I want. I know now you are not Him.

Confession

2012-09-09T15:17:00.001-07:00

I can not think clearly. Thoughts tangled in a thick web. What I have to do is what I do not want to do. It's hard
to act as if everything is alright. I know it's not. I know things that hurt, I just can't bring my self to ask or say whats really on my mind. Every time I try my heart beats 30 miles per hour, as if it's racing my thoughts. Thoughts that clutter my mind.

I've done, what was needed to be done. No need to explain my self. I all ready have, seems the message has not got through soul. Maybe misunderstood by my words I've written. I want an understanding that stands as a statement from my heart onto. I'm trying to be more positive. Lose all the things that distracts me in life. Work on
my relationship with my Bio teacher(i don't like her). Besides that, numbers don't mean a thing. Distance matters. So close any moment your face could appear, myself unaware. Then so far I can't touch.

I hate when they say your to young to know anything. But I do know what I see. Things confuse me on the spot, I'm stuck with no reaction, just to walk away as if nothing happened. As if I haven't seen a thing. My mind dwells hard, but, my words will not spill from my mouth. Stuck with Bubble yum. Swallowing every word every period, every comma, and every breath. Unsure of the reaction I'd get.

It's an confession I will not live to tell.......

FAST$CASHent.

2012-01-20T13:24:00.000-08:00

First video frm this site Ima make more and longer than 30 sec Untitled Project

New Year....New Me!!!

2012-01-13T17:36:00.000-08:00

Well it's friday the 13th , my day was some what bad but yu know how things lightn up... I let go of a lot of things... Things that could hold me back...People ..Friends...Lovers..I'm solo...This is my year...Lord knows how much I want it...Just gotta keep my ass in school for the next five months...Summer time and I gotta car best believe work is on my mind...Soon as I this car I'm goin hard.....In the mean time I'm goin hard for FAST$CASHent. I put my blood sweat and tears into my music just to let it be known...I put my all in the album covers and posters theres no stopn me now...Fuck a man I can do this along with my crew,myself, my own... sincerely, CTB fast$cashbitch

It Doesn't Even Matter

2011-09-04T12:47:00.000-07:00

Nothing even matters. Not a breath worth air without you matters. The pass is the pass keep it a bay. Keep my heart for the lord may save me. Fault me not for I have sinned. Have love in vain. Witch brings me back to the lord to save me and of my name. Other have try'd to bring me down. I have not not broke before them but as seen by family. Anger brings a cool dark cloud above my head. Emotions are felt as thoughts fill the mind. Positive thoughts bring happy actions. Negative thoughts bring sadness more likely anger moods and actions. So if it's our thoughts that make our emotions then how do we love? How do we feel loved? If you love someone you more likely want them to be in your life regardless of how far or how ever messed up things get. Love is a bond to the soul of the one whom loves back. This bond can be broke but not if it means much more. More then a game more then the cut. More then life it self. Friends (to me) can't be trusted with nothing. I've learned that the hard way. I put my trust to someone who deceived me. Disturbed my home. Then tried to corrupt me for all i build myself to be. Tell me why is it so hard to be true??? This earth runs with demons that have been here before our time...that another story for another day.

On My Mind

2011-08-31T13:29:00.000-07:00

Why? Is the question I ask. who? Is it not me that's on your mind. How? Do you stay on my mind countless times a day? Would I ever take you back? Yes, because my love for you runs deep. Are you saying you don't want me? Do you think about me at times? Did you call the next day after we broke up? Seeing is believing, but why can't I believe it? It's right in my face. I lost you to keep my pride. Head high I rather it be down with you by my side. I can tell you it was not a lie. I don't know rather to call you or leave it be. Tell me. Am I the one you want. Do you believe I'm going on a marry-go-round. I do. Protection is my goal. For you to understand why I do things. Do you get me mad, yes you do. One time you got mad and hated me after. Just about small things. Do I still love you? Yes, I do your heart lays in mine. Do I cry for you? Yes, I do miss you. Sometimes I'm mad, because you don't hold me or kiss me. Are we together? No, because you think to much and your thoughts get you out of line and weird. Why did I draw my gun? You hurt me. Never again will I fright fire with fire. Now what do I have? School. School. School. So you'll be seeing me riding B.I.G.. Do I still love you? Yes I do but it hurt to think of you every time I close my eyes I see you. My note book is filled with letters I want to give to you. But seems I can't. Your a man. You'll just throw them away. I'm not sure. I'm unsure. Not confused in any way. When I'm with you everything is a sure thing. I need to stop thinking of you. I can't sleep. Even when you were by my side I could not sleep. It's something about you that drives me road-rage. We don't have trust. We don't have a bond. So where is love coming from. If it isn't love then why do I feel this why? Why do you stay on my mind? If it isn't love why dose it hurt so bad? Make me feel so sad? This oh so true. He took my heart. No one will ever take it again. I can't describe this feeling I have for him.

Writers choice

2011-08-23T20:11:00.000-07:00

This is what I do. Any and every thing I could top my last. No matter if it's a pen to a sheet of paper, my fingers on the key-bored, thoughts in my mine flow. From some places far from this earth, I discovered a great gift that only I can make better. I can put my dream to work; like a slave in the sun. No brakes no backing down. Writing is apart of my life as well as art. Make things people won't believe till they see. Write from my heart just so you will understand. I have many story's I want to share with the world. Many true some I seen in life. Some off the top of my mind. Some I see in my dreams at night. No matter what happens there will be an update. No matter how I'm feeling. You will feel it as you read. I have writers I love like Eric Drome Dicky, and so many more. But the books I read are exciting I cant wait to get to the next page. While I fell in love with writing my mine stared to shift and change into a new road. In witch I follow.

Beloved

2011-08-22T20:47:00.000-07:00

Beloved signs shine through the shadows if the dark and shy..Windows open to new things...Open mine for nature deep breathing the fresh air...Bliss the mind as words spill from the saint's mouth. Truth dose not lie where the heart follows..The heart finds love with in it's self... Happiness from with in the soul...Power with in the mind....Joy with in the priceless passion witch spreads to the earth..... Sorrow a gift from the saint...dreadfulness in self pity.... Pettiness from the heathen that whats control.....Lies told to gang the beautiful heart....Dreams that longed to be fulfilled...Time never stops doesn't wait for you me or time it self.... Trouble that seeks a new victim...Eye's that only see flaws nothing more....Feelings that get the best of a broken soul....Minds think to much.....Weakness only to get stronger.....Minds over power...One more line....

Trapped In Hell

2011-07-24T20:11:00.000-07:00

Hell is not nonstop pain or eating cactus's, with boiling water to wash it down. No hell is not below this surface that we walk on. But we walk in hell. We live in hell. Some suffer some die. Some get so hooked to the demons creations that they lose track of life and chase what is desired. Hell is trapped in a basement with no water but the rain water from the floor. Neglect, trapped in a cage, no food to eat. Hot long days with no shade, flies eating at the skin and bones. Trouble that rumbles the night. Trapped in a cage with out a bathroom about to explode some thing nasty. Hell is this government, and what it calms to be. Hell is being slaved or used like consent energy. Hell brings out the best and worst. Freak shows that walk among the earth. Hate is so strong it can take over one mine. Hell is when a guy thinks he loves a women; then thinks he owns her. Like property of a home he wants her to dress and act the way he wants her to. Slave in a kitchen and keep the house clean. If she may refuse there may be issues. Or hell can turn around and bite in the rear. She may lie and cheat to get him trapped with the seed he may or may not have planted. But to be free. Seems childhood was the greatest times. No hell it seemed in those days.. Maybe not for everyone. I created my own world that only I can see. A world where no flaw will be talked about. A world where everybody is care and stress free. A paradise to the eye that seeks pleasure, pureness, and free mined. Hell is not being with one you truly love. Hurts not to wake up by there side. We live in hell. The only excape die or fall into a deep sleep. No matter how happy we may think we are we still live in hell..

Unspoken words

2011-07-23T20:34:00.000-07:00

From the first day we met, I knew it was a dead mission. So why did we start talking? We where in for the same treat. We looked passed the flaws and built a relationship that only you and I knew about. You made me wait just as long as I made you wait. From the kisses and hugs; I grew to love you. I never told you. There are words still unspoken. We look pass words, just to look you in the eye and say I love you would be fine. I seen your car last night in my town. I wanted to stay and wait to see you. My friend says its stalking. If i would have stayed the words unspoken I would have told you. To make you understand. Why I left. Why I didn't say good bye. Why my love for you was so deep. Why now I push away on coming guys. Why now seduction runs through my blood. Maybe I felt I loved you and you felt she's just another to me. I don't know for sure. Now, I have a loving man who cares deeply for me. I only find a way to mess it up or run him off. Only I don't want to hurt him. I love him as well. Its hard to love what you can't see. Hard to breath with out air. I have a fire that burns on and on. Burns that are not open. Scares that has your name. Cuts so deep they hit the bone. Now they are gone. Another man has taken them away. This man I will love. No words left unsaid. Said everyday. Since we part all I can think about is your face and what I seen in it. Why. Because my heart was not hard as iron as it is today. My heart beats slow for whom I feel is worth my time and energy.

what do you know

2011-07-23T20:11:00.001-07:00

I see what you don't I know what you don't. In my mind is where you can find me . I dislike fakes. Haters only make them love me more. Otherwise there will be no hate no beef. i feed off that energy. I need you to hate me so I can use you for your energy. you try to make friends. I know what your up to. Kick rocks. I can do this. Make an gang(FAST$CASH) and watch it grow and grow. See the faces of whom may dislike or envy. I simply dont care. Hey leave a message at the gun shot..POW!!!

the game i kick in the ear

2011-07-21T18:52:00.000-07:00

More then a women-More then a lover-Less of a bitch-not poor not rich-Less then a risk more like a take-No phony no fake-No games sure as my name is chardonnay-Open the wine, enjoy dinner-company such as I-To be with you all night (extra, extra) read all about it-I'm sure you hard all about it-time to see your about this- Kick back relax-as I re-leave your stress-I give all or nothing(no sex)-Close out the rest......For the moment ^
( i don't show no interest)

In The Mind Of Chardonnay: Interdiction

2011-07-20T19:31:00.000-07:00

In The Mind Of Chardonnay: Interdiction: "Day by day we find out more and more about people you thought you know. But by the time you see the real person its to late. There's nothing..."

Interdiction

2011-07-20T18:56:00.000-07:00

Day by day we find out more and more about people you thought you know. But by the time you see the real person its to late. There's nothing you can do to change what happen, what things that hurt and what is felt. Feelings get the best of a broken soul. I learn to heel up and harden my wombs so others don't hurt me. I reflect a smile and laugh. As if you are nothing to me. I don't care about you if i did i would have told you(if not indirectly). I am so called a mean person with an anger problem. My looks vary deceiving. They tell me my eyes make me look sneaky, like I'm up to something. As my photo shows you I look innocent. me, Chardonnay, I am not sure where I stand in the art of seduction. Myself as a person will master the art and take pride in what I am doing(learning). I never take no for an answer, I keep pushing in my desires. Some times succeed and get stuck or do the wrong thing. But regardless I will conquer. I will start wars. I will have followers; even if they don't I still stand solo. The ground I walk on will not keep me down. I rise above drama and could care less what one may think. For it's what I Chardonnay feel or think about my self. Insecurity is not a thought or feeling in my mind. Many say bad things; they don't know me or dislike me. Do i hear them? Do i hear there cry for drama? No i don't. Because no one will get the best of me with out the worst. I can't force anyone to like me or respect me. I will and already have earn my share. Strong in what i believe, weak in my desires. My target. My victim. Take it as you what it.