In The Waiting

Blog Inactive

2019-08-26T18:02:00.001-04:00

I have had people asked me why I no longer post anything here. It is simply because I have decided to stop this blog and started a new one where it would be easier for me to update people not just through my blog but also through my ministry in New York. The link to the new blog is below:

https://behindthepodiumandunderthespotlight.wordpress.com/blog/

2019-04-05T13:00:00.000-04:00

Either life is going to be constantly this hard, or I need to change something about myself...

I often do come to this place where I contemplate the situation that I am facing that is rather challenging. Wanting to be more efficient, I tend to find ways to simplify so that I can focus better on other things that cannot be simplified.

2019-04-01T12:07:00.000-04:00

I am surprised by a comment said by a friend about me. He was pointing out how he respects me for having to go through so many hurdles in life and still staying the course of what I have been pursuing for the many years now.

I begin to unfold that my case may be one of the very few that people would come to experience. I do understand that there are those who have experienced worse. There is not a point here that I am bringing about comparison because not everyone is in the same boat as I am, and maybe their situation may be just as bad but in a different manner. But for those that closely identify with my situation, can come to see my life to be different.

With this being said, all the more that I want to and am clinging to God, to bring about the testimonial that glorifies Him. It is a reminder that eyes are everywhere and that I cannot slack on things that are no essential to my Christian walk.

2019-03-28T13:18:00.000-04:00

In so many ways, we are still people that serve to protect our own self first...

I don't mean in the manner where we are deliberately being selfish but rather that some of our decisions and opinions often run that direction unconsciously, rather than finding oneself in a place to reflect and understand.

2019-02-27T11:22:00.002-05:00

Just found myself missing writing at the moment. I know what led me to lost the desire to write but for some reason, I am still held back and I know that it is something that was not worth considering for losing he desire to write. I hate it and yet I found myself succumbed by it.

2019-02-13T11:27:00.000-05:00

It is so rare to find myself feeling happy to experience the sun. The current winter has been rough in certain ways and gloomy, to say the least. But this morning as I am staring out the window, a sudden brightness lit up on the buildings across the street as the sun appears behind thick clouds.
Even as the sun's exposure where shortlived through a cloudy day, it was a somewhat pleasant experience... making me think of the existence of God that I and many other seems to forget through the hardships of life.

2019-01-18T12:40:00.000-05:00

You know when the hole that is inside of you is so vast and unique that nothing can ever fill it except God alone...

Often I do know that most of what I feel the need that is inside can only be satisfied by God, but sometimes it takes a little longer to come to that surrender. Of which, it is not a good thing.

As of late, I have been realizing how it is taking a long time for me to come to a place to realizing that, as well as actually going to God and seek Him alone.

Father, come and get me...

2019-01-09T13:02:00.001-05:00

I am waiting...

Seems like its a never-ending journey of waiting, and even if it is for different things and reasons, but it is always a waiting game. I know that even as I wait, it builds patients but at the same time, I am learning to be active in the waiting.

But as of late, there have been pressures that I come to face, these are some that are relatively new to me. I am witnessing the brokenness that I once witnessed in my past and now surfaces itself either in someone else or through an after effect of my own story.

Even as I am back in NY where I want to be, I am still in limbo to what is my direction for this short run. Although I have a far vision in mind, I am still unsure how that will work itself out from what I am seeing right now.

My mind has been all over the place, thinking of the many possibilities that come with the situation that I am in. I appreciate stability and it has not been easy being in flexible mode.

Overall, I am in need to centering. I am in need of anchoring myself with God.

2018-12-15T18:54:00.000-05:00

Yes, I am aware of the brokenness that exists in this world. It is not exactly surprising to me about the lack of wisdom and awareness in people about many of the things that they ought to know by now. However, it does bring about a heartbreaking feeling that those who ought to know better find themselves trapped in lies that only lick their wounds but nothing is being done about understanding the pain.

I feel a sense of paralysis and even a little hopelessness in humanity, even in the knowledge that God is in control.

2018-11-29T11:05:00.000-05:00

This morning, I woke up earlier than I used to. I tried to stay in bed to get maybe a couple more hours of sleep but I could not. So I decided that I will wake up and start the day earlier and get a proper breakfast. After breakfast, I decided to get a head start on my school work and see if I can get it out of the way by today and maybe also squeeze in a couple more of other homework so that I can be a little more free to do other things throughout the week.

I was starting out slow but had a rather stable approach to writing my paper and I decided to just play a song on Spotify. As I tend to listen more to instrumentals than songs with lyrics, this time I decided to just listen to 1 song with lyrics, an old song that I used to like. Upon listening to it, I realized that I got sucked into listening to the whole album. I could not stop as the songs started to remind me about things in my heart and there is a refreshing feel to them.

I realized how much I missed using these songs as a means of worship and to thank God for all the goodness that he has given me. Even if it did sidetrack my time by about an hour or so, but it was worth it and I think I will make time for what I need to do.

2018-11-15T14:17:00.001-05:00

Even though I have lived in the US for over 13 years and experience much of what it has shown me, today I felt different.

For the past 2 years, as I was back in Malaysia, everything seemed to remind me of my roots and being uncertain what was before me, I did prepare myself to remain back there as a possible plan that God had for me. I found myself adapting to home and reacclimate my heart to it.

But today as the snow fell from the sky, I am reminded that I am far from home. I have not experienced snow for over 2 years and it seemed like a long time. And watching out the window brought about a foreign-ness about my situation, like a cliche of thinking about home.

Talking about home...

Where do I belong again?...

2018-11-15T11:24:00.004-05:00

Father, strike a chord in my heart

give me a key to your song

let me catch your tune

So that I may sing along

Some see me at peace to be

an empty slate and free

but this; in deafening silence

is my purpose unseen

I want not to stand along

more than the association

I seek my sounding mark

Your manuscript will display

I am aware of the hard purpose

the journey I may thread

but if such that you have penned

may lead acceptance over dread

Get me seated if You may

My attention comes flooding in

Help me come alive

Embarking on Your direction

2018-11-12T19:05:00.000-05:00

There have been just moments after moments of bad news and saddening times lately...

I will not delve into any details but it has been a new and somewhat expected experience since coming back to the States. I can't say that it is all bad but for a person like me, I tend to take it more negatively in the beginning and endure through it to only see good in the end.

I am well aware that coming back to the States would not be easy on me, even though I kinda feel at home here. So it has given me awareness to the possibilities that will come my way. I thought that I can recreate the environment where I can adjust and find refuge in the resourcefulness of the city but time has not been on my side lately. From coming from a lifestyle of idleness and then jumping into kneck high workload has been a proven disaster in the making.

But...

In all that I found myself in, the hope of God has not been lost. I still get little reminders that God is still watching over me and I have started to learn to see some of the more subtle things that are happening around me that points towards God.

2018-11-09T22:57:00.003-05:00

Father I do not want to make any more mistakes that are now upon a wounded heart that was never fully healed.

Lord, lead me in making the right decisions...

Help me to be clear about what I need and trust your leadings in the midst of such complexity. Help me trust in You as Lord to control everything around me, including those that are intertwined with my life.

2018-10-30T11:37:00.000-04:00

Being a follower of Christ is more than what I have been living up to...

I am reminded this morning that I have failed badly at being a Christian, in so many ways where my theology holds up to the little details but in reality not being to live them out, even the easy ones.

I forget who I am and the very core of it is that I am a child of God, and that surpasses everything else, it surpasses more than all the studies that I am fighting for, more than the financial worries, more than my emotional confusions.

I forget that I am His and everything about my life now is about Him...

2018-10-29T16:09:00.001-04:00

Father,

Be patient with me as I work through all that I am going through. Father help me draw closer to you as I seek to do Your will and trusting in your power to carry me through. Father allow me to feel that peace through all the hectic, allow me to rely on you.

Father, give me a vision that is clear of who you are so that I could always fix my eyes on you. Father, allow me to witness you in the little things and give thanks to those things.

Let me worship you always and see your presence in all that I go through.

2018-10-29T12:42:00.000-04:00

Father, I am slipping through the cracks...

I feel broken in ways that leave me baffled to how am I to live this life normally. And deep inside I know that this life is going to be hard and that it is You that all things will work but I am so broken that I drag my feet every waking hour.

Lord help me to rely on you, help me see my life in your hands. Time and time again, I find myself at a place of the unknown, but even in the known, I recognize my weakness and I see a tunnel that never ends. It is almost that the light of the tunnel is only seen when I come face to face with You.

2018-10-18T13:32:00.000-04:00

My fasting did not last, so much that has happened, including me falling sick and having midterm exam has put my fasting on hold. Although this is more of an excuse, I think I am falling behind with a lot that I need to do and I need to catch up.

I am not following through completely with my schedule that I have set, which is not too big of a deal if I manage to get what I need to do done. I think I need to be a little more disciplined about following through and not get distracted by spending time with people alone.

2018-10-10T12:36:00.000-04:00

Free association...

I am fasting for a period of time, I will be skipping a meal every day. This is a moment when I want to find myself drawn back to God and discover again the intimacy with Him. I think the challenges of the new environment and so forth is pushing back my pursuit for God.

Even when time permits, I was already slacking. This time around, I kinda felt that God allowed the hecticness to draw me back to Him. I don't know why must I always learn things the hard way but I whatever it is, I do not want to me left drifted far away from God.

While I pray and fast upon God, I am also trying to draw out some of the things that are deep within me. Thus, the term free association. This is simply a moment where I would allow myself to just write whatever comes to mind, and even if it is not going anywhere or to completion, I will write as my mind and heart take me. At the end of a certain period of time, I will re-evaluate what I wrote and see if there are any pattern that emerges.

2018-10-03T11:55:00.000-04:00

One day at a time...

There is this constant reminder that tomorrow has its own troubles and that we ought to take it one day at a time. At least it has been a tough lesson for me knowing that I cannot foresee everything and I need to to take things as it is.

Often I have approached life in the manner that I foresee the work that needs to be done and simulate this workload in my head at the present and undoubtedly found myself overwhelmed by it. But I also often discovered that taking one thing at a time helps pace my heart and my perspective, trusting that somehow things will work itself out with the time given.

There is still such a mystery to God's ways, even after having to closely watch Him work for so many years. Which I think it's a good thing to be awe and continuously surprised by what He can do.

I plan my best for the day and pray that He will help me through them.

2018-10-01T10:44:00.001-04:00

Father,

Search my heart and bring to light my sins and all that is wrong against you, so that I may surrender it at the cross. Let me change for the better and honor You with all that I am.

I am weak and helpless, as I have always been, and always will be. So take me, lift me up and strengthen me in my walk. I pray that in everything that I do and face will be done in a way that you approve.

Help me in the responsibilities that you have put in front of me, that I may do it well in your name and for your glory. Teach me to love those that you have placed in front of me, that I may show off your love that you have given me.

Put a hunger in me for You, Lord. That I may place you in the center of my life, that I will crave after your words and your presence. Father, let me dwell with you and to find refuge in your presence.

Father, fill my heart and mold it. My stubborn heart is a battle to myself, but I know that You can take it and do whatever You want with it if you will.

I need you more than I know, so remind me of your presence, so that I may hang on to you always.

Amen

2018-09-25T11:56:00.001-04:00

If I continue to feel resistance, I need to rethink my approach...

After being back for over a month, I am continuing to experience certain blocks in life that I can't seem to get over. These are blocks that are not recent adjustment issues but something that has been around for years. I am going through a loop and until I make certain changes, I feel that God would not let me move forward.

Yes, there are changes that are taking place but there are things that have certain urgency more than others, having more precedence.

If God is merciful... then embrace his mercy with radicality.

2018-09-17T11:13:00.002-04:00

The need to evaluate my spiritual-self demands heeding...

I realized that my daily walk with God is nowhere near what I hoped for after my return. Due to the space issue, I cannot find a place where I can be completely alone and unhindered.

But more to that is the issue of finding myself being drawn towards the word. I may be experiencing the deception that I can go on without my time with God alone. Only but a few instances where I could savor the deep spiritual and truthful worship that comes from listening to certain words about Him.

But this is a discipline issue nonetheless. The person that truly craves for the presence of God would go lengths to obtain it, and God would not be far to reveal. It starts with my heart and I sincerely pray that God keeps my heart hungering for Him constantly.

Even as I think about the advice told to me about that spending quiet time with God does not need to be fixed in a particular way, I am trying to learn ways of which I can find myself enjoying His presence being in unfamiliar circumstances, atmosphere and conditions.

Father, do not lose me out to simple contentment, but to eagerly run after You always.

2018-09-14T11:39:00.001-04:00

Sometimes it takes danger to know what safety is...

Or sometimes it takes safety to know dangers. Every one of our little actions can mean something and if we are not careful, we are communicating something subtle that could possibly lead to bigger dangers.

I am being cryptic simply because it is just a hard thing to talk about even to myself. But it is something I want to be cautious nonetheless.

2018-09-13T12:05:00.000-04:00

I am waiting on God to speak...

I am waiting but I have to often ask myself if I am positioning myself to listen to Him. I have more on my plate than I come to take note of and the journey ahead is hard, but I feel like it is the only way in and all other doors seem to be closed at this point.

It is almost an awakening that I need to get out of my slumber and start cranking out these goals that I have deep inside me. I need to come to a place of proper planning. I am not sure if I am ready to move out from where I am at the moment to go all out on my own but I do need to prepare myself for it, even if it is in a year's time.

I desire to move forward with life but I want to do so with the Spirit going before me, guiding me or else I would be stricken with fear; paralyzed to make decisions that may make me regret.