in this is hope

i do wonder

2012-01-27T22:29:00.000+08:00

today as i was finishing up work (or packing up to bring work home lol) i had a random thought:

i'm really not very much good at anything but studying

and then a secondary thought:

i wasn't THAT great at studying... yeah i'm smart, but so are the people i grew up with

hmm... so come to think of it... what exactly am i good at?? defo not teaching... i'm still as noob as it gets.

.
.
.

i guess i should just become good at depending on God.

eyes on me

2012-01-25T23:01:00.000+08:00

"EYES ON YOU!"

at least that's what i've trained my kids to say.

i keep encountering this problem in class - i give out a worksheet, and everyone gets busy writing their name, looking at the questions, and then i get at least 10 questions of the same kind, all asking 'how to do this teacher?' well. usually i try to preempt them... give out the worksheet, get their attention with 'eyes on me', give the instructions, go through a few examples... and then off they are on their own.

and i was just thinking on the way home that i'm probably like my kids when it comes to life. i hit a roadblock... and i spend all the time trying to figure out a way to solve it, pull my hair out... and maybe, eventually, ask God 'how to dooo? what do i do next?' ... God's probably like me on the other end, saying 'eyes on me' but i'm too preoccupied to notice. and He just repeats that and waits (with much more patience than i have in class) and waits till i finally look up and away from the 'problems on my desk' and he can finally guide me through the process till everything is solved.

hmm.

my current occupation

2012-01-17T19:48:00.001+08:00

lol. that's probably the opinion of my students... 'why is there always work for us to do??'

that said, i have a few plastic boxes of THIS on my table at work

cool? the kids get to bring em home and grow them into beetles to learn about the life cycle. this part of the education system i absolutely love. though i must say the mealworms shit a lot and are smelly and take up space on my table =P

Lord help me be an educator, a leader, a mentor... not that dude who goes into class and lectures boredom cos it's in the syllabus.

the end of 'hell week'

2012-01-07T23:01:00.004+08:00

i have survived the first week of school... and even manage to nua the whole day away today =)
part of this rest was spent watching fireproof and one line of the theme song caught my attention

"love is peace in the middle of a war"

maybe everyday at school is a battlefield... being a teacher is like firefighting
but Christ in me the hope of glory - my peace in the storm

2012-01-02T17:53:00.000+08:00

here it is again.
the time to look ONLY to JESUS
and say that the country i'm in doesn't matter
the people i'm surrounded by do not dictate who i am
the amount of work i need to do doesn't matter
the amount of time i have to do that work doesn't matter
how i perform DOESN'T MATTER

Lord teach me to not get caught up in the busyness of life. this should be where i'm at everyday

heart matters

2011-12-31T02:28:00.001+08:00

saw this on fbook and thought it was quite cool. we all identify with that kind of sentiment once in a while right?
but well. without the heart... then there's no real reason for living is there? everything would be emotionless and sian. (i say this but i'm still struggling with mine on a daily basis)

on a side note, i was totally absolutely floored at school today - and not in a good way
2012 is looking to be a challenging work year: last class (ALL THREE CORE SUBJECTS OMG), challenging kids (thank God i'm the co-form teacher instead of the form), english department (a very busy department!), staff welfare committee, the usual CCA stuff

man. Lord. help me see that the giants are my bread... and that Your grace is sufficient for me, Your strength made perfect in my weakness (heck. everything that's got to do with work is a weakness as i see it)

[edit] department's changed... just so the info on the web is correct lol [/edit]

simply worship

2011-12-28T02:07:00.000+08:00

this home-alone for a week thing is rather liberating

suddenly it's just me and God.... no more hiding cos the parents might just choose an unfortunate moment to walk in/ ask me to do something in which case i'll have to discreetly wipe away the traces of my communion with God and go on pretending that life's cool and i've got it all together

nah. i really don't have it altogether at all... and i'm finally ready to admit it to myself. worship, cry, pray, disintegrate, whatever.

hello Daddy... i'm home now. sorry i ran away.

2011-12-23T14:01:00.001+08:00

i'm not busy... i'm just in hiding

hey Lord, where are you? i need to be swept up and away and be lost (and found) in You

i still haven't done my christmas shopping!

2011-12-20T01:59:00.000+08:00

rather... i've thought about doing christmas shopping but i dunno who to buy things for at the moment aside from the parents #epicfail

alamak. that kinda shows how dry i really am, how i haven't thought about other people and have no real leading to bless anyone. oopsie.

less than 10 pages into this book i find...

2011-12-18T02:47:00.002+08:00

"As a result, I grew up with serious feelings of rejection, fear, depression, anxiety, hopelessness, painful loneliness, and a sadness that planted a perpetual lump in my throat. It was the kind of lump you get when you have a constant ache in your heart and you must continually choke back a lifetime of uncried tears. you have kept them back for so long that you know they have become a torrential flood building up behind a dam. you learn to keep that dam from breaking at all costs because, if it ever did, it might destroy everything in its path. The kind of tears i'm talking about can only be released in the presence of unconditional love and acceptance. And where on earth can you go to find that?"

wow. so perfectly eloquent and real - and that depth of emotion that i ~~cannot~~ don't know how to release, except in the presence of God (which incidentally is the answer to that last question)

a few pages later there's this bit which describes the dryness i've been facing this last month or so (well not all of it, so i'm taking out snippets)

" On the outside it looked as if I had nothing to be concerned about. But on the inside I felt paralyzed to the point of not being able to do much of anything. And I had so much I needed to be doing. Good things. Things i have always wanted to do. yet i couldn't bring myself to do any of them. I had not been like this since i became a believer.

I had lost my vision for the future and couldn't seem to regain it no matter how I tried. I felt useless, aimless, and alone. Even despairing at times. I couldn't see beyond the day, and the day was a struggle to get through... It seemed as though I were being squeezed in a vise and then wrung out like a rag to dry in the heat of the day. I felt trapped by my own blessings - by the answers to my own prayers. i wanted to be anywhere but where i was, if that meant I could escape the misery. And this was a hard place to be because I had so many responsibilities and deadlines that going anyplace except to my laptop would have been criminal."

the answer to that she found to that predicament... and that i've been discovering this week...
the Lord said 'Simply worship Me'

kudos to the author being used by God...
and kudos to sam who forced me to talk, caused me to cry, reminded me that i'm loved till i had the emotional capacity to say 'i love you' again... it's such a blessing to call you my friend =)

excerpts by Stormie Omartian
The prayer that changes everything - The hidden power of praising God

my name means love

2011-12-15T16:04:00.001+08:00

so i'm all about Christmas! cos Christmas is about LOVE and GIVING and the GREATEST GIVER OF ALL! and in the midst of this i'm still learning to love myself for who i am rather than what i do

i'm me as God has created me to be
- whether or not i am visible/ am mopeing at home/ am singing and sounding horrible/ am quiet and uncomfortable/ am doing crazy things/ am running an event
- and i'm loved, whether or not i feel it.

and i just wanna to appreciate all the opportunities that God provides to love other people and to be a part of all these CRAZY THINGS

like yesterday's Christmas party:

cutting

drawing

sticking

climbing

pretending to climb?

and God was so very PRESENT there =)

i feel strangely depressed

2011-12-12T23:09:00.001+08:00

brought the mother and grandma to have a go on the singapore flyer today and got 2 lovely photos out of it!

but as the title says... well...

i think it must be that time of the month again.

floating priorities

2011-12-06T15:40:00.001+08:00

the school hols for teachers are here and i've finally been able to rest! (albeit enforced cos i'm ill =.=)

anyway the feeling i've been getting as i've been resting is of someone having toiled and climbed up this mountain towards some goal... and then having reached that, to turn back and see... well. this.

not that i've climbed out of destruction, but that i've forgotten about what's really important... and left some important relationships behind (feels like i've left them behind to die =P)

what's the point of throwing in all my time and effort? dunno.

i forgot my priorities... put work in first place - and i was consumed by my need to do it PERFECTLY and my inability to do so. but when it was all over, there was no sense of accomplishment, only an incomprehensible sense of loss, like i've forgotten something important... as if i was looking down the hill i climbed and seeing only the carnage of the relationships i didn't protect. so the last few weeks i kept looking at what was going on around me and wondering - why is it that they can have XYZ and i can't seem to let go

the something i forgot => GRACE GRACE
perfection was never mine to begin with - only mine to receive. and only Jesus can take first place in my life. here's to a new and growing revelation of that.

bubbles

2011-12-01T22:50:00.001+08:00

i've was thinking about how my life has been in a bubble all these years. incidentally, bubbles is a nickname for one of my friends =P

first the home bubble
then primary, secondary, JC bubble
then the bubble of 'everything provided for' scholarship
the bubble of 'overseas singaporean in london'
and now it's back to the school bubble (just on the other side of the classroom)

anyhow i was thinking that i really don't know anything about the world and how it works. and that i've been too sheltered my whole life. maybe i've 'missed out' on life and really don't understand the world (i really don't understand myself, much less the world...), missed out on some opportunities that i never grabbed.

but by ~~chance~~ God's timing i listened to this sermon by Louie Giglio http://www.passioncitychurch.com/watch/#20111127
and i started thinking... in the God-perspective, it's the grace zone isn't it? Living where God has put you and living for what is right in front of you. so thank you Lord... for Your grace bubble encircling my life.

at work

2011-11-21T22:17:00.001+08:00

where the rubber meets the road... i have fallen short

it's time for new growth and new revelation i guess.

to receive His grace and His righteousness... and stop the tears. haha it's been awhile since i've been this pained - and by my own doing too.

for though a righteous man falls seven times, he rises again,
but the wicked are brought down by calamity.
~Proverbs 24:16

remind me Lord... Your grace is sufficient for me

i am... nervous

2011-10-03T23:04:00.000+08:00

i swear...
every step i take when it comes to ministry... whether in church/ school/ family/ friends... brings me one step further from my comfort zone

my spirit is overjoyed
and my flesh screams... i dont have what it takes - not the experience/ the connections... nothing. i'm nervous... fearful sometimes, cos i've nothing to cling to

but Jesus...
and that's all it takes... cos He who finishes the work gets all the glory

2011-09-22T00:56:00.000+08:00

i think it's ridiculous that i was in the shower and on the verge of tears while talking to God... when i paused and kept them in check.

and the thought that went through my head was rather pathetic - 'lol... you're in the shower with water running down your face so you wouldn't have to see/ feel the tears of your weakness... and you're still afraid of someone seeing them'

Lord you gotta free me from me man...

that said... i finally have the peace to go to sleep... but boo i have to be up in 4 hours to go to work.

searching... address not found

2011-09-13T22:13:00.000+08:00

today's one of those days where i've got nothing to do...

i was worrying about the work i would have to do... and it turned out that the person didn't expect me to do much (praise God haha) - so i came home early and did some housekeeping. i even managed to watch an anime, read a couple chapters of manga, take a nap, go for a run, learn a new song, listen to a couple of sermons...

but something's not settled in my heart (which i have no clue about -.-) and when i'm still and spending time with Jesus the tears come unbidden - life is meant to be much more than this, you are worth more than this, you are no longer the lonely girl hiding in her bedroom, you no longer have anything to fear, I am with you.

keep growing.. keep loving

2011-08-25T00:08:00.001+08:00

i am struck ... yet again by how self-conscious i actually am, tho people have said that i seem like i dont mind what others think of me

and i'm surprised by how my heart could turn so violently inside my chest... the depth of emotion that could well up from within and throw my thoughts into disarray

.. all after an edifying time of sharing about what Jesus has done in people's lives... lol the heart is deceitful indeed

emotions come from God

2011-08-23T20:34:00.000+08:00

it's hard to remember that sometimes (most times to be honest). it's almost second nature to put my feelings aside for something or another that must be done. or to go back to the old 'default' of denying my thoughts so i won't have to feel the depth of emotion they produce

but God's created us with emotions... and life is meant for us to be fully engaged in whatever we do With Emotion.

if i be smothered by fear (God forbid), then so be it. at least i'll realise that i've forgotten the greatness of God.
if i feel the burn of anger/ jealousy/ hatred - whether turned on myself or others, then i'll realise i've forgotten how precious His mercy is to me
if i be weighed down by sadness/ pain, then i'll realise that it is He who lifts me up, who grieves with me and carries my burdens
if i feel joy... then i remember that He is my strength and He has given me all things
if i feel regret... then i remember that Jesus is past
if i feel doubt... then i remember that Jesus is future

if i feel... then i'll know that Jesus is here with me in the present. with me, now, just where i am, whatever i'm thinking/ feeling.

but i can ask for more

2011-08-18T18:52:00.002+08:00

the 'about me' bit on the side of my blog currently says:
'now alive in Christ, cannot ask for more'
but i just watched this clip from bethel church
http://www.ibethel.tv/watch/881/testimonies-healings-and-the-presence/2010/10/06

and i realised... that i need to change that status... cos i can ask for more, so much more! just that i haven't been asking - my view of God just continues to be enlarged.

today i just realised that i've never asked for healing - it has never sunk in that Jesus is my Healer... cos well, it's just you know, the natural way things go. You fall sick, take medication and wait for the annoying symptoms to go away. Or maybe in some cases, you fall sick, take medication and live knowing that it will never go away (like my dad on medication for hypertension and diabetes for the last 10 years). heck... i think to some extent i stopped considering that as sick! it was just 'normal'

but normal isn't the truth...
and normal isnt the way we were meant to live.
healing isn't an option... it isnt a belief,
it's a portion of the truth, a way of life -
God's way of life.

I wanna live in that kinda life, the supernatural kind, where the things of God, things of the supernatural are normal to me, where i see that everything is simply just so and just right in God's plan. where i act just so, and am in line with God's plan.
that i may see miracles as normal, but never become familiar and prideful - that i'll be perpetually awe-inspired and perpetually in worship of His goodness and greatness working in and through me. that Jesus (who is the sole cause that all of this is possible) will be glorified

be swallowed by a fish

2011-08-15T20:33:00.000+08:00

how do you think Jonah felt when he was running away from God and finally got swallowed by a fish?

scared? distrustful? unwilling?
complacent? troubled? angry?
probably a dozen things at once

i was reading about Jonah the other day, and i realised that my underlying feelings towards God, His purpose and where my life is going is probably similar to Jonah.

Friends around me have said 'it's a season of preparation'... yeah i know that, and i know enough to trust that God is working all things together for good. but the plan/ dream that God has put on my heart is so great that i cannot even begin to fathom the journey He will bring me through. for that matter, the current journey is scary enough.

i knew my sphere of influence would increase yeah... but not in this way.
i thought... okay, grow as a teacher, take a class, a CCA, impact 80-100 kids in some way or another... learn the ropes of teaching, grow in responsibility over the years.
but God's made it so that the school is overstaffed... and i have practically no teaching responsibilities! on the other hand i have been into and taught almost every single p5 class in the school, and stepped into about 4 p4 classes, 4 p6 classes. more kids know me than i can count (and more kids remember me than i have bothered to remember) heck. last friday i helped out in an airport trail and this morning some p2s were saying hi -.-" i sure can't see the impact i have on them... but there must be one since they remember me right? (but thinking about it... that's quite freaky... cos there are that many more pairs of eyes watching me - even if they're small-sized)

the thought of more responsibility has been bugging me... though i know that that step is towards where God wants me to go. (it's not really an issue of 'i must perform' anymore though there is still an element of that and the glimmer of fear of not living up to expectations in my heart.) this time it's more of an unwillingness to leave things behind. i think i've gotten too comfortable in Singapore these past few months. London was constantly changing, but life in Singapore has become pretty much routine (and legalistic too lol) Living boxed-in has become comfortable - and stepping out from this familiarity is incredibly daunting.

Familiarity doesn't do anything though... it doesn't last...
aiyah. would that i wholeheartedly trust God, drop all of this and simply follow.

Disguised

2011-08-09T16:19:00.003+08:00

wow.

Divine Disguise

For the anxious longing of the creation waits eagerly for the revealing of the sons of God. – Romans 8:19

The commercial immediately captured my attention. A svelte woman, clothed in an eye-catching running outfit, was striding like a gazelle in and out of neighborhood streets. “Chariots of Fire” type background music bellowed in the background. Her neatly coifed ponytail bounced in step with each of her pavement pounding strides, while a few stray hairs whipped against the current of the morning wind. The beaded glisten on her forehead collected into a single bead of sweat that dramatically ran down her temple towards her chiseled jaw line. Her expression was penetrating. There was no smile and no menacing frown. Just the certain look of determination. She wasn’t gasping desperately for air as if this was her first jog in decades. She was a seasoned runner—powerful, strong, and sure of herself. Her feminine legs and arms were defined and brawny. Indeed, she was a sight to behold: lean, swift, athletic, and beautiful.
The eye-catching commercial hadn’t been coupled with a lot of distracting verbiage. Only at the very end, just when you were on the edge of your seat waiting to see what this ad was all about, did a deep tenor say with passion:
“There’s an athlete among us . . . disguised as a wife and a mother.
Nike . . . just do it.”
My rubber glove clad hands, holding a dirty cooking pan deep in soapy dishwater, fell motionless. I felt something in me leap. I was a wife and mother, and the image of this woman made me feel like there was potential in me that I hadn’t tapped into. The marketing team at the Nike Corporation had done its job. I was inspired. Suddenly the Chariots of Fire music was roaring in my own head. I saw my short staccato steps that marked my usual jog exchanged for a long lean gallop that would cause people to admire my athleticism. I’d have the same fierce determined expression of this gorgeous woman. My hair would bounce and forehead would glisten just as hers had. I’d be muscular, defined and strong. I’d be able to run miles at a fast pace without gasping for air once. I’d no longer have to stop and walk to catch my breath—no, not me.
I was an athlete who had just been disguised as a wife and a mother.

Friend, you’ve been disguised. What’s your occupation? What do you do everyday? How do you define yourself?
Are you . . .
A wife
A mother
                        An executive
                                    A manager
                                                An Employee
                                                            A single woman
                                                                        A ministry director
                                                                                    A friend
                                                                                                A relative
This is not who you are. It’s just your divine disguise.
You are really a Christ-follower who’s been disguised as a _____________.
Fill in the blank.
All of creation is waiting for the Christ-follower in you to be revealed. Never let your daily activity veil the reality of your calling to manifest Christ to the world. Your colleagues, friends, relatives, spouse and children are sitting on the edge of their seats, eagerly awaiting the unveiling of God’s daughters. They want to witness the power of God in us, be exposed to His Spirit operating through us, and experience His grace from us.
So, hear His love song ringing in your head and be inspired in this upcoming new year to come forth and be seen for who you truly are.
Now, is the time.
This is the season.
Just do it.

Priscilla Shirer, Going Beyond Ministries

one of those things I keep forgetting

2011-08-07T16:10:00.002+08:00

There's this lie that we all believe from time to time..

You are alone, no one knows and understands what you're going through and no one will care even if you tell them

But remember... Jesus knows the depths of your heart. And he cares for you.

God plans your way and guides your steps

2011-07-24T18:14:00.005+08:00

i was really blessed by a random event yesterday... i was with a bunch of teachers on a rece kinda thing at the airport in the morning. basically the lot of us are going to be taking care of P2s while they do their alternative assessment there.

What struck me, was how much planning had gone into making the worksheets, ensuring the fairness of the test, doing the routes... etc etc. and even then, when we were there, we were constantly troubleshooting as we familiarised ourselves with the various places and possible routes.

Are the questions too hard?
What are the potential mistakes the kids will make?
What kind of behavioural problems will we face? How do we prevent them?

etc etc.

then as I was leaving the place i thought - wow. this is what God does for every moment of our lives.

teachers aren't infallible... so we can plan and plan but somehow we most likely will still have to deal with unforeseen circumstances on the day itself.
God on the other hand is faithful and He never fails!

I will bring the blind by a way they did not know;
I will lead them in paths they have not known.
I will make darkness light before them,
And crooked places straight.
These things I will do for them,
And not forsake them.
~Isaiah 42:16

that's just one example... gosh. someone compiled a whole list of verses for times of stress here and it's super encouraging.

...
The general attitude of the P2s also encourages me a lot.
They have such faith in us teachers - Teacher will make all things right, just tell teacher. Teacher will take care of us etc etc. They ask 'where are we going next?' but still happily follow. Heh there's never even a fleeting thought that the teacher might be wrong. God does all that perfect planning for my life. no wonder the bible calls us to have faith like a child.