Abenteuer

2015 Year-end Survey

2016-02-20T23:48:00.001+08:00

Continuing a blog tradition! :)

1) DRINKING BUDDY OF THE YEAR

Roomie!!! Where’s the wine?! Lol.

2) LIFETIME SERVICE AWARD (longest friend/s)

Default. Same answer as last year! (Hi Zan, Ivan, Nik, Yshio, Kim, Cris, Gandara, and Melai!)- Fifteen years this 2016.

3) NEWCOMER AWARD - COOLEST NEW FRIEND/s?

My Gymboree Saturday co-teachers, my housemates, and the “aunties” of UM! :)

4) HIGH POINT OF THE YEAR?

Riding Cylon a day before I turned 29! You might say I’m kind of taking this literally (haha) but it’s a symbolic act for me. I have been to USS a couple of times already before I finally decided to ride this attraction. I used to have this notion of ‘reserved’ things to do; ‘reserved’ meaning to do only with a significant other. Riding Cylon was one of them.

Whenever I ride Human, I always ask the person sitting next to me if we can hold hands – not because I like them or what haha but because I get really nervous and panicky. I squirm on my seat and my heart starts to go on overdrive. Holding someone’s hand gives me comfort. And Human is like gentler than Cylon. I always thought “No way am I gonna ride Cylon. I would need someone who completely makes me feel safe before I’d try that.” Thus, the reserved status. Looking back, my reasoning sounds twisted and shallow to me now. :P

So on my last day as a 28^th year old, I decided to abolish the reserved rule. I would be missing out on a lot of things if I followed it. And there was a sense of accomplishment (proud moment!) I felt after that Cylon ride. J

5) LOW POINT OF THE YEAR?

I wouldn’t really say ‘low’ point, maybe just bumpy. The first three or four months here in Singapore was kind of lonely. I was struggling at work and I missed my family a lot. I used to cry in hawker centers while having lunch, missing my mom and dad and the thought that I could be sharing this meal with them back home was heartbreaking. But, as time passed and as I got accustomed to the local media scene, things got better. I also realized that home is not that far away – only less than four hours away – and mom is always online on Facebook so I could just do video call and instantly see her, dad, Gian, and my cats! J

6) BEST HOLIDAY?

When Yshio came to visit! Not really a holiday – just one weekend! To be honest, the past two years were trying times in our friendship. It’s nice to finally be able to start over again and to renew the ties that bind.

7) YOUR SONG FOR 2015?

Need a Little Sunshine - Augustana

8) MOVIE FOR 2015?

Star Wars: The Force Awakens – because it’s the first ever Star Wars film I watched and it made me realize how come I never watched Star Wars before.

9) WHO DID YOU SPEND VALENTINE'S WITH AND WHERE?

With Teej at Susi. Was Vegan for a night!

10) WHAT WERE YOU FOR HALLOWEEN?

Errr…nothing! No Halloween party this year.

11) RESTAURANT OF THE YEAR?

Fabulous Baker Boy! J

12) KISS OF THE YEAR?

Cat kisses!

13) BEST DECISION MADE THIS YEAR?

Be an OFW. It has its lonely and problematic moments- from getting lost on a regular basis to bouts of severe homesickness and questioning your self-worth- but you learn a lot. You learn a lot about yourself and it is such a humbling experience that makes you realize there is always room for improvement.

14) WHAT ARE YOUR PLANS FOR 2016?

Be a first-rate version of me.

15) MOST STUPID IDEA WHEN DRUNK?

Not really that stupid but funny nevertheless – sit on an empty sidewalk on a busy street while waiting for the cab to arrive. Oh and we booked two cabs and ignored one of the drivers when they tried to call.

16) TV SHOW/s OF THE YEAR?

Pangako Sa’Yo – although, lost interest halfway through.

17) MOST LOYAL FRIEND(s)?

Helloooo Patrick Alonsagay and Jonnalee Tuazon! Labyu! :*

18) BIGGEST CHANGE OF THE YEAR?

Moved to Singapore.

19) NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION?

Save money! :p

I. (1/1/16)

2016-01-02T02:34:00.001+08:00

Hello,

I sent you a letter once. No, I actually did several times. Once in Manila and several times here in Singapore. Anonymously, of course. I don't know if you ever got any of it.

I never had any clue whether it reached you. I was hoping you'd try to find out who sent it. Like in Amelie. It was that movie that inspired me to do it. In my head I was already writing our love story but I guess, that was pushing it too far. After all, our lives never unfold the way movies do.

I write this on my flight (turbulent, by the way!) back to Singapore on New Year's day (but only got to publish it now). I read your New Year's Day post and it made me feel sad and happy at the same time. Happy because maybe you finally found love yet sad that it's not with me. (That sounded baduy and childish hahaha but it's the truth. :)) I do hope it works out for you. And do work on it like you say you would, lest she hits you in the head. :P

Happy New Year and Good luck!

Leaving on a Jet Plane

2015-12-08T23:31:00.001+08:00

Hello, I'm still here. Hi. :)

Forgive me if this will be in Taglish. Nakakamiss kasi mag-Tagalog.

I wonder if there will ever come a time when I won't cry inside the plane whenever it's time to leave Manila and go back to Singapore. After some time, masasanay na din kaya ako?

I thought I wasn't going to cry this time around. It was such a short trip anyway; akala ko saglit lang naman ako sa Manila so di naman siguro ako malulungkot nang sobra. I was able to spend time with my parents, meet up with Ivan after two years, eat Crispy Pata and sing videoke all in one day. My friends even accompanied me to the airport and stayed until it was already time to board. Plus, Jonna and I was on the same flight (though different seats). The fact na may kasabay ako on the plane is a relief already.

Okay na ko e. Okay na talaga sana e.

Until my seatmate, si Ate (sorry, I don't know her name. I should've asked!), made a call. Pasaway, nasa loob na nga ng plane e tumawag pa. The below is my best recollection of the conversation. I wan't trying to eavesdrop but given that we were seatmates, well, there's no way not to hear.

"Babe, nasa plane na ko. Di pa gumagalaw. Hinihintay pa ibang pasahero.
Anong ginagawa mo? Matutulog ka na? Yung bigay ko sayong kumot, sa'yo lang yun ha? Wag mong papagamit sa iba.
Kaya ayokong umuuwi e, nalulungkot lang ako kapag babalik na.
Naiiyak ako, babe."

Well, nauna pa yata akong umiyak once I heard that phrase. And then she started crying on the phone, too. Haay, the plane has not even started taxiing on the runway - we were still in Manila - and there I was bawling and not caring while other people stare. Will I ever not feel homesick anymore?

After a few minutes, Ate asked me: "Okay ka na? Nakakalungkot no?"
"Okay na ko, Ate. Thank you."
Then, she offered me two Tictacs and patted my shoulder.

Things to do...

2015-10-19T20:05:00.002+08:00

(Effective immediately)

1. Run M-W-F.
2. Swim on Saturdays (starting next next week after the big move)
3. Read at least an hour a day.
4. Stay calm and focused.
5. Be open to whatever comes next.
6. Learn like you'll live forever.
7. Be kind to others and to yourself.
8. Speak your mind.
9. Make mistakes.
10. DGAF.

Scaredy Cat

2015-10-15T20:37:00.001+08:00

Image from here.

List down mundane things that scare the sh*t out of you:

1. Microwave ovens: This is how it usually goes: I put in the frozen thing inside the oven, close the oven door, set the timer, and then...I run. I only return when I hear the "ting!" which means it's ~~safe~~ done. I try to avoid using one as much as possible. But, since I only have time for frozen dinners (sosyal! read: 711 or Cheers ready-to-eat frozen stuff) especially on weeknights, I use it two to three times a week. My fear of microwave ovens started in our old office (GT Tower, 33F, hehehe) when one of my office mates had an accident when she put in a hard-boiled egg inside the oven. When she cracked the eggshell, it, literally, exploded. The guard came rushing in inside the pantry and thought there was a bomb or something.

2. Escalators: Only the "going down" ones because there's a high risk of having your feet "eaten" by the machine. On a regular day, you already have to worry about not being a klutz and getting your foot eaten but the risk doubles during rush hour. Don't you just hate it when there's too many people on the escalator and no space in between you and the person standing in front of you. I prefer to have 2-3 steps allowance. Distancia Amigo.

3. Confined spaces or objects that makes you feel boxed in: In one of our holidays, my friends and I decided to do reef walking. You have to wear this sort of astronaut-like headgear which is 25 kg and your only lifeline connected to O2. You wear it and then you submerge yourself into the deep blue sea for God knows how deep. So, it came my turn to descend to Neptune's realm and had to wear the astro-Oxygen helmet. I wore it, climbed the steps down the boat, held on tight to the ladder attached to the boat while my feet were already in the water and then...I cried. Sorry, just couldn't take it. Felt like I was being suffocated. Ironic, since the helmet is a mini Oxygen tank. I backed out and missed out on counting how many starfishes were there on the ocean floor and the chance to star in an underwater video.

4. Elevator rides, in general - Well, I'm claustrophobic. Aside from the tight space, I guess I've watched too many horror scenes with ghosts inside the elevators and I tend to recall the scenes whenever I'm alone in an elevator. Or am I really alone? :/

5. Flying ipis. No explanation needed.

6. Dogs. Because they bite. Most people will never understand. In the same way that I will never understand why some people are afraid of cats.

7. Contact lenses. Touching your eye is scary enough; putting something inside it is even more scary. Cheers to eyeglasses!

8. Electric sockets. Just because a) you can get electrocuted; b) it can short-circuit and cause a fire; c) it can short-circuit and you can get electrocuted before it starts a fire.

There. They all seem so harmless but when fear takes over the controls, then it becomes a different story - things just become scary in a very weird and almost funny way.

August

2015-08-18T23:04:00.002+08:00

In the silence of her heart
She whispers
Her fears, her secrets
The shadows that haunt her soul
In the silence of the night
She lets her self be led
Into a place where she's free to crumble
Where it's okay not to be so strong
Where waves of distress can engulf her
Without a care as to who may see
Or hear
That place is hers
And hers alone
No one is allowed to enter.

Drunk Post (Singapore Edition)

2015-07-15T21:02:00.001+08:00

I haven't been this drunk since what, February??

I should still be working by now. But because there is a farewell party tonight, I have been drinking since 6.30. And yes, I am drunk.

So forgive the grammatical errors and such. Cut me some slack will ya? Hemingway said to write drunk guys. I'm just following his advice.

Singapore has been good to me. Sometimes, I feel so overwhelmed and ask myself: "What the hell were you thinking?" But, most of the time it's okay lah. I can't even think of a reason to come back to PH (except for my parents, my cats, and my friends, of course). I'll be sad if I ever leave Singapore. It's like I can build my future here.

---end of drunk post--

I keep waking up at 3 a.m.

2015-06-23T14:47:00.000+08:00

And I keep on remembering "The Conjuring" wherein the protagonist wakes up at 3:15 am every single night. It's scaring the living daylights out of me. I find it difficult to fall back into sleep and, usually, dozes off at around 4 am already. That's why I feel so grumpy when my alarm goes off at 6:45 am.

So I looked online for possible reasons why this is happening. Apparently, there are a lot of literature on the subject - scientific ones and paranormal ones. A lot of other people seem to experience it, too.

As expected, many pointed out that this was the witching hour and the time when spirits supposedly are stronger. But there were scientific reasons offered, too: low blood sugar and your adrenal glands shooting up because of stress. Another one I found interesting: self preservation.

"It's probably a throwback to when our ancestors had to watch out for predators, so they wake up at 3 a.m. to see if everyone is still there." (Read full article.)

My favorite explanation is this one offered by Traditional Chinese Medicine. You can read it here. I like it because it integrates scientific and spiritual/emotional reasons together. If you have time, read part 2 as well.

I'll try to remember these reasons when (and if) I wake up at 3 am again tonight. ;)

Shiok!

2015-05-28T12:15:00.000+08:00

First off, HELLO!! I have been putting off writing here for some time now because, well you know, life happened. With all the frenzy of moving to another place, this blog has taken a backseat. So yes, HELLO THERE. May this be the start of regular posts again (cross-fingers).

I’ve been meaning to write about the big move to Singapore. And it seems really timely to do it now, at this point in time. Why? Because same date year ago, I was riding a bus, headed to Boat Quay in search of Neko no Niwa and that bus ride was one of the highlights of my solo Singapore trip last year. It was my first time in SG and I was alone and I was lost most of the time but... I didn’t care. I just wanted to sit on the bus, stare out the window all day, and relish how clean, how beautiful, and how peaceful this place was.

I have never thought of working in another country before. I was happy where I was. I liked my workplace in the Philippines a lot. I love my teammates. I am mom to nine cats. And I live with my parents and my brother; I would miss all of them if I go – and why would I want to go in the first place? I know, these are all just excuses because I didn’t want to step out of my comfort zone. E, dito na lang ako. Ok naman ako dito. Everything changed with one bus ride.

Fast-forward one year later and here I am, already done with my first month as an expat. I was homesick most of the time during the first week. I remember trying hard not to cry and hearing my voice break the first time I called home and heard my mom’s voice on the phone. One time I was eating lunch at a hawker center alone and suddenly missed my parents and my eyes began to water. Again, I tried not to cry in public. Then, there were nights I’d cry because I missed Hachi. HAHA. Homesickness is real.

But, of course, after a while you get to adjust. And I’m very thankful that my flatmates are so cool. They are my family here in Singapore and they fed me (HAHA), taught me the do’s and don’ts (e.g. always keep left, “Can” means okay, taxis with red lights are busy, etc.), put up with my corny jokes, and basically made me feel at home.

My first real struggle happened at work. I couldn’t understand what people were saying and vice versa. They talk in Singlish real fast. One time, I was talking to a media partner on the phone and I couldn’t really follow what she was saying. I asked her to repeat several times already. So I just said: “Cannot understand. Please email instead.” LOL. After a while, your ears will adjust (and your Singlish skills will, too) and I pretty much can follow conversations now.

Need I elaborate on the food here? Just look at my Instagram and you’ll see food shots 90% of the time. I used to complain that they have big servings here but now I find myself finishing off those big servings. Singapore is a melting pot of different cuisines – Chinese, Western, Malay, Indian, Japanese, Korean. There are so many dishes to try. I always look forward to meal breaks here HAHA. Side kwento: my boss’s goal is to feed me until I reach 50 kilos; five kilos more than what I weigh now.

So, there. That’s my first month in a nutshell. It's a long weekend this coming week and I plan to swim a bit and go check out a few places I've never been to yet. It has been amazing so far and I’m looking forward to the months ahead. Looking forward to more adventure!

Ron

2015-05-18T22:40:00.001+08:00

In the rain, you walk

In search for a hand

For you

To hold.

In your red plaid

And your round spectacles

You splash around

The drops of rain falling down.

In between the city

Across the bend

Where black and white meets

Looking for colored raindrops

On the street.

Today in Music

2015-04-14T14:03:00.000+08:00

In another life,
My teeth and tongue
Would speak aloud what until now
I've only sung

:(

Elevator

2015-04-10T20:43:00.001+08:00

Once, twice, thrice. She lost count of how many times she banged on the door. Her hands were bruised and sore; her voice hoarse from shouting. She didn't even know what time it was. Her wristwatch already stopped. Claire couldn't stop crying; her imagination was running wild. It was dark and she felt suffocated. Resigned that the door will never open, she slumped on the floor and felt the hairs at the back of her neck rise. She felt like she was being watched. Black smoke was emanating from the narrow crack of the door. She thought she saw eyes glinting beyond the smoke. She trembled. Whatever the thing was, it was trying to open the door. She heard it laugh as it shoved the door open, preparing to grab her. She screamed with all her might. Aaarrgghhh!

"Ma'am! We're firemen. We're here to save you."

*Found this in an old writing notebook :)

The Inkblot Test

2015-03-18T19:25:00.003+08:00

Look at the picture below. What do you see? Me, I saw the Eiffel Tower.

See it?

Quizly says: "The Inkblot test dates back to the 19th century and can accurately indicate a lot about your personality".

There were pictures, though, which looked something else to me and did not match any of the choices. For example, there was an inkblot which, to me, looked like two dragons but dragons were not included in the options. So, I just ticked "Animal that's not a cat or dog" since it's the closest description.

After eight questions, you'll get a result. Here's mine:

Yeah, exactement.

Take the quiz here.

11:11

2015-03-15T19:00:00.000+08:00

11:11. They said I could make a wish. So whenever I catch the clock hitting 11:11, I'd say your name. More like a prayer than a wish. I'd only stop whispering your name when it hits 11:12. You'd think I was crazy and being all voodoo-like but for someone as shy as me, who freezes and gets tongue-tied in your presence, this is my appeal to the cosmos, my attempt to rally the universe behind my cause. And that is, for you to take notice of me. Besides, I'm a girl and a girl can only do "first moves" so much.

I don't think it's working either. Well, there was one time when we passed by each other in the corridors and you gave me a half-smile and I smiled back. It took all my strength not to swoon/scream right then and there. But that doesn't mean anything to you I know. Other than that, nada. Come to think of it, I rarely even see you. And if I do see you, it would be around two seconds and then, you're gone again. Five seconds max. Elusive, like the golden snitch.

There are days when I feel okay. Newsflash: I don't think about you every second. Moments when I forget that you exist and I'm just so caught up with whatever it is I'm doing like work, like writing or reading. On days when your absence is prolonged, my heart calms down and it doesn't look for you. But then, because fate is really mean, those 2-sec sightings happen and my heart is again thrown into a frenzy. It becomes greedy and looks for you everywhere; wants everyone to be you. Then I won't see you again for a long time and it's calm. Until I see you again. And the cycle of heart attacks begins again.

I don't know how this came to be. It was just a simple crush. But then, I made the mistake of saying it out loud, told my friends about it and before I knew it, voila, full blown Superbass whenever you pass by.

I'm writing this because...I don't know. Because, maybe, it's hard to say it, hard to tell you, in person. I needed to get it off of my chest. Tell you about it somehow before the forces of nature spirit me away to my most awaited adventure. My last attempt to send the message across without having to open my mouth, literally. And, mind you, this is the closest to a confession you're gonna get. So there.

XXVIII.

2015-02-27T22:23:00.000+08:00

I keep on

Looking for you in places

Where I go

Where I know you won't be

I keep on looking for you

Wishing that the random stranger who walks like you

Is indeed you

Wishing that by some twist of fate

Your feet leads you to where I am

And then I'll see you where I never thought I would

But until then

Until that serendipitous moment

I will keep on looking for you

I'll keep on searching for you in everything

Everywhere

I will keep on wishing it's you.

2014 Year-end Survey

2015-02-20T20:54:00.000+08:00

1) DRINKING BUDDY OF THE YEAR

??? Drink? What drink??! lol.

2) LIFETIME SERVICE AWARD (longest friend/s)

Same answer as last year! (Hi Zan, Ivan, Nik, Yshio, Kim, Cris, Gandara, and Melai!)

3) NEWCOMER AWARD - COOLEST NEW FRIEND/s?

Panalo kapag kay Dia Manalo!

3) HIGH POINT OF THE YEAR?

September!!! I fell in love with Siem Reap. I wish I could go back. :) (Soundbite while walking along Pub Street: Ladeeeh, do you want Marijuana?? I give youuu.")

4)LOW POINT OF THE YEAR?

Maybe when we went to Bangkok and we were scammed and the tuk-tuk driver told us to f*ck off.

5) BEST HOLIDAY?

My solo Singapore trip! Four days of walking and walking, getting lost, and enjoying my own company. And of course, the sunburn. :)

6) YOUR SONG FOR 2014?

Don't Look Back in Anger (Oasis)...HAHAHA...Well, 2014 was really a bad year.

7) MOVIE FOR 2014?

Maleficent--only because I watched it in SG (yes, I'm a social climber like that lol).

10) WHO DID YOU SPEND VALENTINE'S WITH AND WHERE?

I'm not sure hehe. For sure, it isn't memorable. :P

12) WHAT WERE YOU FOR HALLOWEEN?

Well, attendee ng Yule Ball. Harry Potter theme daw kasi e.

13) RESTAURANT OF THE YEAR?

BONCHON.

14) KISS OF THE YEAR?

Hershey's Kisses

15) BEST DECISION MADE THIS YEAR?

Forgive. But never forget. Because an elephant never forgets lol.

16) WHAT ARE YOUR PLANS FOR 2015?

Travel the world.

17) MOST STUPID IDEA WHEN DRUNK?

Kumain ng buhangin. Don't judge meeee!

18) TV SHOW/s OF THE YEAR?

Jane the Virgin FTW!

19) MOST LOYAL FRIEND(s)?

Aris, moon of my life, my best friend in the whole wide world. :*

20) BIGGEST CHANGE OF THE YEAR?

Pota, wala. Napakawalang kwents ng 2014 ko 'yo!

21) NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION?

Eat more vegetables, read more books. Write more. Write pa more. Tama na Clash of Clans (weh?).

XI. I hate it when I see you (11/11/14)

2014-11-11T12:53:00.001+08:00

I hate it when I see you

It makes me ache for something I can never touch

It gnaws at my bones and extinguishes warmth

It leaves my insides hollow and cold

And it aches

And aches

And longs for something to fill the void

A void that no one else but you can seal.

And so I promise

Not to seek you out anymore

Because I'm okay when I don't

But whenever I see you

I'm reminded of a place I can never go to

And I don't want this rabid thing inside my chest

Tormenting me with its angry beats

And eats me up until nothing's left.

X.

2014-08-27T10:35:00.002+08:00

I had to get rid of

The parts of me that is you

And so I start with the crown on my head

Though the strands are barely the length of my little finger

Snip

And snip

Again

The debris of the fallen

Scattered on the floor

Little islands of love floating in remorse.

- "Hair cut", August 27 2014

IX.

2014-08-12T11:10:00.001+08:00

“

If neurotic is wanting two mutually exclusive things at one and the same time, then I’m neurotic as hell. I’ll be flying back and forth between one mutually exclusive thing and another for the rest of my days.

Buddy put his hand on mine.

Let me fly with you.

”

—	- The Bell Jar, Sylvia Plath <3 nbsp="" p=""> :)

Sylvia

2014-07-28T12:59:00.003+08:00

Slowly child
You don’t have to drink up
The dregs
You don’t have to swallow up
The bitterness
It’s okay to puke
Let it all out
The wrath in your bones, the fire in your stomach
Take a hot bath
And feel pure

Slowly child
Go about your day
Slow doesn't have to be boring
Slow doesn't have to be bland
Pick up a pen and take your time
The world will rush and push you
You just have to
Take little steps, slowly but sure

30 Things to Stop Doing to Yourself. #10 Is An Absolute Must.

2014-03-26T12:07:00.002+08:00

#4. Stop putting your own needs on the back burner. – The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too. Yes, help others; but help yourself too. If there was ever a moment to follow your passion and do something that matters to you, that moment is now.

Read the full article.

30 minutes

2014-03-24T19:19:00.000+08:00

That night I watched you as you slept. Not the whole night; just around 30 minutes. I resisted the urge to kiss you, by the way. I guess you didn't know that you held on to me, hugged me. I wanted to hug you back but I didn't. I knew that you were probably dreaming and that it wasn't me you were holding in your dreams.

Needle

2014-03-10T18:35:00.001+08:00

I remember her whenever I see a needle. We were in Sophomore year and our Home Economics teacher was demonstrating how to put a needle on a sewing machine. Yes, even guys like me had to know basic sewing – though I’m not sure if the same curriculum is applied up to now. Heck that was back in ’98. Only when we became Juniors were we allowed to pick an elective – woodwork, electronics, etc.

After demonstrating, our teacher removed the needle and then asked for a volunteer who would refasten it to the Singer sewing machine. Kris -yes, that's her- volunteered. She went to the platform where the sewing machine was and started working. She was able to quickly refasten the needle to the needle clamp. Next was to step on the treadle to make sure that the needle was secure. The rhythmic whir of the machine was broken by the girls' panicked shouts. The treadle stopped and everyone stared as blood came gushing out of her index finger -the needle was stuck in it and was broken in half. The other half was still fastened to the clamp. Our teacher immediately went to her and assisted her to the school clinic.

She didn't cry, not even a whimper. She just looked at her bleeding index finger. Maybe she was thinking: no use crying over spilled milk. She went back to class later that day with a bandaged finger. During Biology, it started to bleed again and all I can think about was how I would like to put fresh bandages on it. Maybe I started to like her that day. I don't really know. I wasn't really paying attention to the girls in our class that much. Or to girls in general. I was more interested in Counter Strike and bikes.

But when I started to take notice of her, I couldn't 'ignore' her afterwards. She's there on the other side of the couch while I'm watching TV. She's standing, staring at me with her hands behind her back as I clean my bike. Or when I'm eating alone at home, she's sitting opposite me, smiling, her right hand cupping her face. It was like I couldn't evade her even when I'm not at school. Though when I'm at school, I could barely even look at her.

I started to write to her at night - on old receipts, on table napkins, on my notebooks. "You're left-handed." "I don't like your haircut." "It's raining outside. I hope you have an umbrella." "Is your bag heavy?" "You weren't in class today." I wrote until I realized I have a shoe box full of unsent, unread notes.

Tomorrow. Tomorrow's Tuesday. Tomorrow I have to give this to her. I promised myself I would work up the courage to leave the box on her desk. I sealed the top of the box with tape and put it beside my school bag so I won't forget. Tomorrow, I will do it.

But I didn't. The box remained on the floor, next to my seat. The boys tried to poke and open the box and I did my best to protect it. I told them it's for my sister's class project (she was a Freshman in my school). All day, I looked over at her desk and then back to the box at my feet, trying to make it move via telekinesis. No such luck. Tomorrow's another day, I told myself.

So the next day, I went to school early and left the box on her desk.

She didn't attend school that day.

So I tried again the day after.

She was absent again that day, and the day after.

It was on Friday (Homeroom day) that we learned from our Homeroom teacher that her family relocated to the U.S. I was still bringing the box to school since Tuesday and as our teacher announced the news, I didn't feel surprised. It's like I knew it all along. I looked at the box. It looked tired and dejected. So when I got home, I dug up a hole in our backyard and buried it - unsent, unread notes and all.

I think she was my first love.

*Image from here.

I wrote this for you.

2014-02-03T23:13:00.003+08:00

They can't see you in the same light that I do

So they leave you with your smile broken

And the pieces of your heart falling apart

And I try to reach out and piece them together

But you prefer to run wild

A gust of wind on a summer's day

While I prefer to stand still

The patient shore waiting for the waves to come home.

Image from here.

*Borrowed blog post title from this blog.

Actually, I have a wound.

2014-01-23T18:50:00.003+08:00

Do you need one, too?
Image from here.

I thought it would go away if I ignored it. I tried putting a band aid on it so I won't see it. When it was painful, I looked the other way and tried to focus on other things so I'd forget the pain.

I was wrong.

Wounds don't heal if you ignore them. They'd fester and grow and gnaw at you. And end up worse than before. They don't heal too if you pay too much attention to it though. It takes time and the right amount of effort for it to heal completely.

And that's exactly what I'll do - take my time to heal. Feel a little less guilty for saying how I feel; be okay with the fact that I still feel offended. Most of the time, it feels like I have no right to feel slighted. That I should be okay with how things are - keep an open mind and be understanding of other people. Listen to them pour their hearts out. Share their pain. Offer words of comfort. All the while holding everything in and trying not to explode. It's my fault too. I have never been a "sharer"; I keep things to myself too much. I really, really, really tried my best. But I realized that I need to fix myself first. Maybe even keep a bit of distance for a while if that's what it takes. I was a fool to believe that everything would return to how it was.

I'm sorry.