Contemporary art is frequently made up of everyday materials and items familiar to normal, everyday people. As such, visitors are not always sure how to react to the art and oftentimes behave contrary to what we would wish. IMA has artwork composed of everything from TVs (Nam June Paik), projectors (Kara Walker), and common furniture (Vito Acconci, Bill Woodrow) to electronic signs (Jenny Holzer) and neon lights (Robert Irwin, soon). We even have flat art on the floor instead of on the wall (Adrian Schiess). Visitors want to sit on the furniture and play with the electronic equipment. They want to TOUCH the stuff, for crying out loud!

A couple of years ago, we had an exhibition by the Brazilian artist, Ernesto Neto, who�??s work illustrates some of the many security-related issues that often have to be addressed with new art. One room of the exhibition was completely covered in red cotton fabric, with thick foam on the floor as a cushy surface to walk on. Inside the room was another conversation area surrounded by more hanging fabric, with chairs, suspended lights, and a notebook with a pencil on a string. There were also several red plastic balls and a giant beanbag chair in the room. It looked like a fantasy playroom, minus the Wii.

The installation was big and complex, and took several late nights for the artist, his assistants, and museum staff to complete. Adjustments had to be made to after-hours procedures to ensure that the workers could get around in the empty and secured building. Stuff had to be turned on, turned off, and unlocked, and Security officers had to be assigned to monitor the late-night activity. It messed with our routine and we�??re all about routine.

The red material on the walls, floor, and ceiling looked cool but it completely covered the smoke detectors and sprinklers, not to mention the surveillance cameras and other security devices. Electric cords (heat-producing items) ran under the foam floor and plugged into the wall sockets. The cotton material was not flame retardant, and the foam beads in the giant beanbag were highly flammable. Needless to say, we had to do considerable prep work with local fire officials to placate them and ensure a safe environment for our visitors. I think I even mentioned bribe money at one point.

Once the exhibit was opened, explaining the level of interactivity to patrons was a consistent challenge. Neto�??s intentions were for visitors to sit in the chairs, gently roll the balls around, and contemplate the crimson-draped environment. Visitors�?? intentions were to set the kids free to play dodge ball in the big red rumpus room. �??It�??s artwork not a playroom,�?? was our usual approach. We had to remind many, many people not to throw the balls and not to jump onto the giant beanbag, which experienced daily blowouts due to unauthorized diving. And even though there was a blank notebook with an attached pencil, we discovered that it was not intended for patrons to actually jot notes or comments in the book. Color us confused.

So there you have it. Unlike hanging a painting on the wall, Protection Services plays a significant role throughout the process of acquiring, installing, and displaying contemporary art. Security staff gets to step up and help explain real-world application when curators (and artists) aren�??t up on OSHA regulations, and gallery officers get to guide the visitor experience when patrons don�??t understand why they can�??t play with the stuff in the galleries.

That’s what makes museum security so very interesting. Well, that and all the cool spy stuff we get to use.

The IMA is no different. The museum�??s �??gallery rules�?? are rules for proper behavior around the artwork so that the collection is maintained in the best possible condition for generations to come. Most of the rules are common sense, if you stop and think about it. I mean, if Mom won�??t let anyone eat pizza on her new sofa, do you think we want anyone near the Monet with a Double Decaf and a sticky bun? Think again, buck-o.

No touching is the Numero Uno rule we have. We humans are such tactile animals that we want to touch everything, from the shiny surface of Donald Judd�??s Untitled, 1967 to the rough surface of Robert Indiana�??s LOVE sculpture.

I understand, I have those urges too. Nonetheless, we must keep our grubby mitts off the artwork. I may have just swabbed down head to toe with anti-bacterial scrubs before attempting to fondle Augustus Saint-Gaudens�?? Diana, but if I can touch it, eventually we�??ll have Little Johnny come along with his chubby Reese�??s-caked fingers who�??ll do a chocolate smear job on the piece. Over time, we�??ll have a bazillion people leaving all manner of crap and corruption on our artwork.

No touching includes touching with other items, like pointy writing utensils or umbrellas and canes. Pencils are allowed in the galleries for convenience, but pens should stay in the pocket because ink is more difficult to remove than graphite. Plus, these items can scratch, chip, and rip the art.

There�??s a common phrase about a �??bull in a china shop�?? which is a scenario we try to avoid by restricting large bags and backpacks in the galleries, though we accommodate visitors with special needs. I�??m telling you, some folks look like they�??re ready to tackle a two-day assault on El Cap with the huge packs they carry in. Some folks think we�??re worried about theft, which we are, sort of, but mostly we worry about stuff getting knocked over or banged up. Try our FREE coat check and meet officer Pearl Foster.

Photo flash is prohibited for general visitors, though we do allow limited use by the media, with close scrutiny from our Conservation staff. Think back to Mom�??s new sofa. If it sat by a sunny window for a few years it would look faded and drab, just like our art would if we allowed flash photography.

Speaking of photography �?� we only allow photos of our permanent collection, so no pics in the special exhibits or in the third floor Contemporary galleries, and no tripods, bipods, or monopods, thank you. Why, you might ask? Hell, I don�??t know. I�??d have better luck explaining the Golden Ratio than I would Copyright Law and our Rights & Reproduction guidelines. Suffice it to say that we don�??t want photos of our collection showing up in places not of our choosing.

So let�??s recap: no food or drink in the galleries, no touching, no large bags or backpacks, no flash photography, and no photos in the special exhibits or Contemporary galleries. There are a few other rules that I�??ve skipped, mainly because they don�??t come in to play very often, but I�??ve hit the big ones. We want everyone to come to our house and check out all the great things we have to offer, we only hope you understand when we ask you to follow our rules.

And that brings me to the topic of blog rules. Despi was kind enough to re-introduce me to them on my last post so this cartoon is dedicated to her benevolent dictatorship. From blogs to blackjack, the house always gets its cut.

For instance, I found this nifty piece of automotive hardware that our officers would just love to drive. The Tesla Roadster is an all-electric vehicle capable of 0-60 in 4 seconds and a top speed of 125 mph, good even compared to internal combustion cars. Who wouldn�??t want to be seen tooling around the IMA campus in one of these drop-top babies? Alas, the $100K price tag would be difficult to slip into the capital budget without any CFO having an arterial incident. And really, where could the Tesla hit top speed�?� maybe by the Lilly House, but why bother?

More suited to our needs would be the Miles ZX40, a steel uni-body construction, all electric four-door able to hit a blazing 25 mph top speed.

With the optional AC motor, the Miles ZX40 would travel about 50 miles on a charge and be able to power an air conditioner and CD player, both musts for our patrol officers. The ZX40 would offer low-cost, low-maintenance, zero-emission service while also providing an eco-friendly image to our museum visitors.

I�??ve also been able to test-drive the Global Electric Motorcars GEM car. The GEMs are zero-emission electric cars capable of about 20 mph. They look cool, drive smoothly, seem to be well constructed (though with a lot of fiberglass), and they are everywhere. I�??ve seen them at hotels, resorts, and airports, but mostly in warm climates. I like the steel, DOT certified construction of the ZX40 better, though.

More recently, I�??ve had the local Segway vendor come to the museum to demonstrate the two-wheeler�??s capabilities. It�??s a neat little unit and they are becoming more and more common around town (Circle Center Mall, Metropolis, Downtown Canal tours), but they don�??t fit in well with our patrol needs. Two words: Indiana weather.

As I said, getting vehicles has been one of the snags in my grand plan for shifting to alternatives. Finding the funds to purchase new vehicles has been, as we say in the business, a challenge. We�??re still pursuing that avenue but it�??s starting to look like I�??ll have to organize a few (thousand) bake sales to make the money we�??ll need to acquire new wheels.

During the period that I have been seeking new modes of patrol, Security has come into possession of two Trek mountain bikes with full police packages.

They each have red and blue flashing lights and an annoying siren suitable for pulling over speeding staff members. You don�??t get much cheaper zero-emissions transportation than a bicycle. However, finding the personnel to pedal the bikes has been snag number two in my plan.

Needless to say, the search goes on to find cheaper and environmentally friendly patrol options for Security. The end result will probably be a combination of foot, bike, and electric car patrol to meet all the various needs of our department, and the museum. However, if there�??s someone out there who would like to buy us a Tesla, I wouldn�??t turn it down �??cause I don�??t think I�??ll be hitting a jackpot any time soon.

The Communication Specialists who work in Control are responsible for monitoring everything and everybody. To accomplish this grand task, Control is equipped with video systems, audio systems, HVAC systems, fire systems, and alarm systems. It has a biometric security system and a multi-channel radio station. It even has a freakin’ drive-up window! I can’t give away all the secret stuff, like the GPS tracking chips we embed in every new staff member, but here’s a little history of the Control Room.

Here I am in the old Control Room sometime back in the 90’s. I spent a lot of years in this room and did some of my best work in there (more about that later).

The room was decked out with sixty-four 8-inch black & white TV monitors and a monochrome alarm computer with the brainpower of a gnat. We had fewer people with radios back then so we only had two channels with which to talk to Security or Maintenance, Housekeeping and Grounds. The room itself was a cracker box, with a two-foot square pillar set dead in the middle of the room. We sat so close to the electronics I swear I’m sterile from all the years of exposure to electro-magnetic radiation.

It was in this room that I created numerous versions of my underground newsletter slash web site in which I gave my sarcastic nature full rein. I made fun of my coworkers, other departments, and all the brilliant decisions management made along the way. Oh, and I made fun of the art. After a comment from Bo Bufore, the IMA’s Shipping and Receiving guru, I created my now well-known cartoon Mindy In Control. Decked out in her security uniform and fuzzy slippers, Mindy (now our new Safety Manager, Mindy Summers) held court from her comfy recliner in the Control Room. She said things no one else dared to utter.

I also created Skeeter & Bubba, the most famous maintenance men in the world, who went on to become the most famous maintenance men on the Internet. Some folks have been here long enough to remember the golden days of my toons being available to the public. Needless to say, I was chastised several times by my superiors and had to periodically pull the stuff from circulation.

In 1999, Control got an upgrade. At the butt-end of the Millennium we finally went to color cameras and monitors. We went from the small B&W monitors to 14-inch and 24-inch monitors. We also got two Gateway computers for processing alarms and for word processing. No more killing trees for paperwork, and no more trying to decipher my partnerʼs handwriting.

Today, the Control Room sports 42-inch flat-screen monitors for viewing our nearly two hundred cameras. The alarm software has been updated. More people carry radios so our radio base station has been upgraded to eight channels. There is Internet access for monitoring weather radar, and there is enough room to play half-court basketball.

Because of all the surveillance equipment, Control is often referred to as Big Brother but we like to think of ourselves as Santa’s helpers, watching who’s being naughty and nice. Either way remember, someone is always watching so be careful where you scratch.