I want deep faith. Faith that feels weight.

Sometimes I wonder whether or not my walk with Jesus is large enough in my own life. Growing up in church and living in such beautiful community like CIU I wonder if I’ve gotten confused. Have I become so involved in a community of believers that I absorb the faith of the body as my own, and its strength as my strength?

Every once in awhile I’ll see a girl walking somewhere with her boyfriend/fiance/husband holding hands like everyone does it and my heart aches. I think to myself
‘Oh, do you realize? Do you see how lucky you are? To you this holding hands is nothing because it’s yours and it has become so a part of you that you don’t notice. But there are some who long deeply for what you have. We who take that wanting and have to throw the weight of it daily, hourly, sometimes moment-by-moment on the Lord. Please, please, please do not take it…do not take him for granted. Do what God has not allowed me to do yet and love him well – encourage him, support him, be his biggest fan. Please.’

What I really want those girls to do in that moment is understand the gravity of what is theirs. I want them to not be blind to the privilege they have. And yet what I am getting angry at them for doing on earth I am doing in a spiritual realm.

He has become, in all honesty, such a fixture in my life that I don’t notice him much anymore. Wake up, spend a half an hour in the Word and journaling, go to class and learn about him, go to chapel and hear about him, read a book for homework about him, listen to a sermon, go to church, talk to a friend about him, talk to him about a friend, see something that reminds me of him, go to bed and wake up to do it all over again.

It’s not that I want the romantic feelings of the beginning of my walk with God. I don’t want butterflies or Holy Spirit “goosebumps”. Those were indications of weak faith, of a small understanding, of the beginning of relationship.

I want to shrink beneath the weight of an Almighty God who condescends to become flesh on my behalf. I want to understand that the reality of his Presence should not merely comfort, it should also terrify. I want to live with the deep knowledge that “Christ in you” is a mystery I will never be able to comprehend. I want to tremble at the numinous, the “wholly-otherness” of God.

In the face of the terrible mystery of transcendence and immanence, I must melt. My cry has to become like Isaiah – “For I am a man of unclean lips, and I live among a people of unclean lips, and my eyes have seen the King, the Lord Almighty!” (Isaiah 6:6)

But dear world, here is the truth. I do not live this. I do not know how to live this. God has become in my life almost a talisman, a lucky charm if you will. I use him in order to live without Him. I wonder at whether or not my relationship with him is as deep as I’d like to believe. Does He permeate not only my highs and lows, but also the mundane in-betweens? The answer, unfortunately, is no.

Where did I end up missing Him entirely…missing the weight and gravity of His Presence.
I have missed His glory entirely.

I have no answers…no tidy way to wrap this up. I’m not asking for answers, or helpful advice. I write in order to sit under the knowledge that I am nothing, He is everything, and I have no clue of what that means.

But this post isn’t a post spurred by some sort of event. No, I’m writing this post because I think I’ve written a grand total of .25 posts in 2009 which is a great shame, and I felt the need to update you few blog readers that remain.
I haven’t had time to write because I’m in grad school, getting my Master’s in Bible Teaching. It’s an incredibly exciting opportunity but doesn’t leave much room for down time. As we speak I’m supposed to be writing a paper on Idealism and Educational Philosophy, so I’ve got to get back to that.

I hope this blog isn’t dead. It’s been a very good processing ground for me over the years, and I hope someday to have the time to resurrect it. As it is, you can visit www.snixiephotography.com to see some of the newer things I’ve been up to.

May you discover today that His grace is far bigger than you ever could have realized!
-Sarah

And even though my heart is a bit achy…He holds it in His hands.
What good truth. May I actually believe it today.

“And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28

It is palpably clear and emphatically true that all that occurs in the Lord’s government of His people conspires for, and works out, and results in, their highest happiness and their greatest good. The gloomiest and most painful circumstances in the history of the child of God, without a solitary exception, are all conspiring, and all working together, for his real and permanent good.

The painful and inexplicable dispensations, which at the present moment may be thickening and deepening around your path, are but so many mysteries in God’s government, which He is working out to their certain, satisfactory, and happy results. And when the good thus embosomed in the lowering cloud of some crushing providence, accomplishes its benevolent and heaven-sent mission, then trial will expand its dark pinions and fly away—and sorrow will roll up its somber drapery and disappear!

All things under the government of an infinitely great, all-wise, righteous, and beneficent Lord God, work together for good. What that good may be—the shape it may assume—the complexion it may wear—the end to which it may be subservient—we cannot tell. To our dim view it may appear an evil, but to God’s far seeing eye it is a positive good. Oh, truth most divine! Oh, words most consolatory!

How many whose eye traces this page, it may be whose tears bedew it, whose sighs breathe over it, whose prayers hallow it, may be wading in deep waters, may be drinking bitter cups, and are ready to exclaim—”All these things are against me!” Oh no, beloved of God, all these things are for you! Do not be afraid! Christ restrains the flood upon whose heaving bosom He serenely sits. Christ controls the waters, whose sounding waves obey the mandate of His voice. Christ’s cloudy chariot is paved with love! Then, fear not! Your Father grasps the helm of your storm-tossed vessel—and through cloud and tempest will steer it safely to the port of endless rest!

Will it not be a real good, if your present adversity results in the dethronement of some worshiped idol? in the endearing of Christ to your soul? in the closer conformity of your mind to God’s image? in the purification of your heart? in your more thorough fitness for heaven? Will it not be a real good if it terminate in a revival of God’s work within you—in stirring you up to more prayer? in enlarging your heart to all that love the same Savior? in stimulating you to increased activity for the conversion of sinners, for the diffusion of the truth, and for the glory of God?

Oh yes! good, real good, permanent good must result from all the Divine dispensations in your history. Bitter repentance shall end in the experienced sweetness of Christ’s love. The festering wound shall but elicit the healing balm. The overpowering burden shall but bring you to the tranquil rest. The storm shall but quicken your footsteps to the Hiding Place. The bitter-cold north wind and the balmy south wind shall breathe together over your garden, and the spices shall flow out.

In a little while—oh, how soon! you shall pass away from earth to heaven, and in its clearer, serener light shall read the truth, often read with tears before, “And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.”

The great Octavius Winslow’s words are sweet balm to my quickly-disbelieving soul this morning. I need to be reminded of what really is great good.
If you need to be reminded as well, be encouraged. His heart for you is good.
-Sarah

They were just friends.
She had tried to convince herself that there was something more between them, that the smiles and winks and good conversations meant more than just “I enjoy your company”. But they didn’t. And in spite of the fact that she wanted to see him more and more and spend time with him more and more, he obviously didn’t. It was the cruel irony of “He’s Just Not That Into You”.
When she was 15 she could have convinced herself that maybe he was shy, or perhaps he was just biding his time because he didn’t want to rush into things. But now, with the time piling up like weights, she knew that was foolish. The truth was that if he really was attracted to her, he’d do something about it. The flowers she couldn’t pull her gaze from would be a gift from him, not self-sent. And she wouldn’t even be here alone–they’d be out doing something together, even if it was just sitting on a bench at the park, talking.
Eagerly she had strained, looking, hoping that something was happening between this boy she thought so highly of and herself, and now she realized that all that straining was simply foolishness. And she felt worse than ever before.

Her girlfriends were no help.
They had tried to convince her that she didn’t know if he wasn’t attracted, but that was not at all what she wanted or needed to hear. She didn’t want false hope or anything to feed the romantic, idealistic, daydreaming side of herself. It was as if they were looking at a weather forecast with a 95% chance of precipitation and telling her that she didn’t know it was going to rain. She needed an umbrella, not denial of reality. She knew they had the best of intentions, but it really didn’t help when she needed to face the truth and move on, not dwell on thoughts of what once she had wanted so badly.
She hated not being able to express the sharp pang of disappointment and discomfort that she felt whenever she saw him, but sharing it with these friends felt exploitative and cheap. It felt like their encouraging words were helping to feed something inside of her that, for his sake and hers, needed to die. But holding them in was just as painful. Both the telling and the non-telling simply made it worse.

So she sat. She knew very well that her life didn’t revolve around her emotions, or a boy, or her friends, but right now she was at a loss to know what to do. Eventually she would move on, learn how to simply be friends with him, and remember that time that she had wished that there was something going on, like remembering that time you had the flu and were miserable.
She had to learn to be around his good looks and boyish charm and not care about them as she once had. Being around him had made her so happy; now it just hurt. Her heart was moving into shutdown mode and although she hated it, it seemed necessary, like pulling a splinter out before it gets infected.
But there was part of her that still wished and hoped for the possibility of something–that if she kept a small little corner of her heart open then maybe, in the course of being around each other, love would develop. There was part of her that still wondered if the winks meant anything, clung to the 5% chance of no rain, and that wanted to put water in her daffodil vase.
That part made her want to talk to her friends, that really hoped she would see him even though it hurt, that wanted to send him a letter just in case he liked her too.

Honestly? She didn’t know which one would hurt worse.

Taking a deep breath, she stood up. Fake flowers would be much more practical.

write love letters…

get love letters…

be asked out on a date…

go on a date…

play footsie…

minister to others as a team…

sleep while he drives on a roadtrip…

have in-laws…

not always do what I want…

fight with someone I’m crazy about…

make up with someone I’m crazy about…

talk until 3am because we are more than just friends…

go on long walks…

cry when he cries…

hold hands…

bake cookies and cupcakes just because I can…

fold his laundry…

read the Bible together…

know that someone cherishes me…

get flowers on my birthday…

throw him birthday parties…

have a shirt that smells like boy…

watch a movie all snuggled together…

hear someone say “I love that about you”…

be able to say “that’s my man”…

have someone write me a song…

create new traditions…

make whoopee…

hear his heart…

share my heart…

cast sideways glances across a crowded room…

have someone make me laugh…

make him laugh…

be poor together…

watch him lift heavy things…

encourage him when his heart is heavy…

whisper sweet nothings…

take engagement pictures…

have inside jokes…

make him Christmas presents…

look awful and still hear “you look beautiful”…

read in bed together…

be known intimately…

be loved by a man that loves God…

love a man who loves God…

And yet in the midst of all this wanting is a God who knows my needs. He knows them because He made them. And though I am not guaranteed any of these things, not in the near future or ever, I am guaranteed to see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Though there is such a huge part of me that desires all of these things above, I know that ultimately they are little good things that point to the greatest of Good. If I do find someone, I hope he will love me and sacrifice for me–but it is only a mere shadow of Christ giving up all of Himself for me on the cross. And if I find someone, I hope I can love him and sacrifice for him–but it should only be a mere shadow of how my life is Christ’s and all I am is devoted to Him. This is great mystery (Ephesians 5:32).

And even though I don’t know what any of those things are like, I do know what it’s like to be known and loved by God–I may not have the shadow, but I do have the real thing. And I can trust and rest in that knowledge that if the good that I wrote above is not what God has in store, I will find that He has even greater good for me.

“He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?”
- Romans 8:32

“How much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!”
-Matthew 7:11

“Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.”
-James 1:17

I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.
-Psalm 27:13

]]> http://inexorablyloved.wordpress.com/2009/03/15/i-want-to-know-what-its-like-to/feed/ 3 inexorablyloved http://inexorablyloved.wordpress.com/2009/03/06/im-a-creeper/ http://inexorablyloved.wordpress.com/2009/03/06/im-a-creeper/#comments Fri, 06 Mar 2009 21:06:40 +0000 Sarah http://inexorablyloved.wordpress.com/?p=638 ]]> This post is password protected. You must visit the website and enter the password to continue reading.

But as I was crying today in my room, I realized something. At that moment, in spite of the fact that I had friends all around, I wanted one of two things. I either wanted to be at home with my parents, or have a boyfriend. I guess this isn’t unusual, since emotionally I was very upset. It’s that strange place to be where you’re not a child, not a part of your family, but not really a part of anyone else’s family. It’s a place of non-belonging. And for my life, having a place to belong is a very clear “not yet” from God.

Even though my heart still wishes I had someone (which I really think is ok to desire, since “it is not good for man to be alone”), I’m glad that my hope doesn’t end there, that I don’t have to feel like there’s a lack of intimacy where I can go cry to someone. I have Christ, who is closer and more faithful than any lover or parent or friend. The Father is the God of all comfort. And when I’m upset and feeling alone, He is right there.

What beautiful grace.