If you are at the end of the road with infertility treatment and considering adoption it is important for you to gain as much knowledge as possible about the realities of domestic adoption. Without this knowledge you could unknowingly sabotage you chances for success.

Over the years I have seen many people enter into adoption without taking the time to research and seek the knowledge that is necessary to successfully adopt, as a result they were unrealistic about what to expect.

Here are some examples of how people sabotage their efforts to adopt:

1. You think that birth mothers are like you or that they think like you, so you will never understand how they could give up their baby. Remember your worlds are very different you want a baby more than life itself and for many of these women a baby is the last thing they want at this time in their life. A pregnancy which would be your biggest joy is probably their biggest problem. Be aware of this and do not second guess “how” a woman could do it. They do because they need to.
2. Not being realistic about what birth mothers are like- many people enter into adoption thinking that the typical birth mother is an unwed teen who just happened to get pregnant or the college student who got pregnant by a med student. This profile is inaccurate. Teens and college students are the rare birth mother. A more typical scenario is a woman in her mid 20’s with no job, minimal education and no support system, many of these women are raising one or more children and they do not have enough to provide for another. This is reality so if you wait for the college student you could wait a very long time. Women who choose adoption may not fit the picture you have but they are usually very selfless women who produce wonderful kids. Don’t get hung up on a profile that is unreal.
3. Being uneducated about birth mother living expenses. It is important to know and understand what is allowable and customary regarding helping a birth mother. Most states allow for birth parents to receive help with pregnancy-related living expenses. This means you may be asked to help pay for maternity clothes, rent, utilities, food and transportation for a period of time. If you have not educated yourself about this you may say no to a perfectly good adoption because you do not see the need to pay expenses. Almost all birth mothers need some help. The key is to let your adoption professional guide you on what risks to take. In an average adoption you can expect to pay between 1K and 3k in living expenses.

Outlined here a just a few ways you could sabotage your adoption. Be sure you and you mate are both committed and truly ready. If one partner is pulling the other into adoption it probably will not work

I recommend seeking much information and support. Talk to people who have adopted, read books on adoption, hire a coach, interview professionals, and visit adoption chat rooms. Information will give you some control over a somewhat uncontrollable process.

I wish you the best in your journey to parenthood.

Currently, the number of progressive adoption agencies that have more liberal adoption standards has been increasing steadily to reflect the needs and changes within our society. In fact, when you work with any adoption professional, whether it be with an adoption attorney, adoption facilitator, or an adoption agency, you will notice that there is a big difference in their approach.

When you are choosing the type of adoption professional to work with, you will want to take the time to interview the different options before making your decision, particularly if you are a single individual looking to adopt, someone over the age of 40, or in a relationship that some might consider to be alternative. Not only are there differences among the various types of adoption professionals, but no two agencies or professionals within the same category will operate in the same manner, either. It’s important that you are comfortable with your adoption professional and that they are willing to help you adopt according to your unique lifestyle.

You may be surprised to learn that some professionals will only work with people who are under a certain age, while others have no age limits at all. You maybe didn’t realize that some adoption professionals will only work with people who are of a certain religions affiliation, either. In some cases, you’ll notice that an adoption professional does not openly announce his or her restrictions, but they seem to take a very judgmental approach.

Adoption is already a confusing and stressful process, there is no reason to work with anyone who is going to make it even more stressful. There is no reason to work with any professional who may make you feel judged or intimidated – simply find someone else who is more open to different adoption scenarios. Not all families need to resemble Leave it to Beaver or the Cosby Show to offer a loving and safe environment for an adopted child.

No matter what your personal circumstances, if you are 45 years old, or unmarried for example - if you can offer an adopted child love and safety, fulfill their basic needs, and provide for their ongoing financial needs, there is an adoption professional out there who will be willing to help you find your child. Interviewing a few different adoption professionals to learn about their criteria for people who are eligible to adopt will ensure that the professional you decide to work with has your best interests in mind and will work with you to fulfill your personal adoption plan.

Cindy Simonson is a respected adoption professional and writes about child adoption at InfantAdoptionCoach.com. For the past thirteen years she has been helping people successfully adopt the child of their dreams.

There are several ways to do adoption outreach. The most important thing for you to understand is that adoption outreach needs to be done. This is a piece of the adoption process that many people do not understand. People often sign up with professionals assuming that outreach will be handled, but the truth is - a few agencies and attorneys offer comprehensive outreach programs but most don’t. Ask questions and if that service is offered and has a successful track record you may not have to do anything else. If, however, they do not do outreach here are your choices: hire a professional whose main focus is helping match you with a birth mother; or do your own advertising and networking.

It’s possible to do your own advertising to let as many people know as possible that you are hoping to adopt a child- but you’ll increase your chances of finding a baby or child, and in less time, if you work with an adoption agency, professional or facilitator with a successful outreach program. When it’s time to start looking for adoption professionals who can help you find your special child, you want to understand the importance of adoption outreach programs in relation to your adoption goals.

As you start the process, you may think that all adoption professionals are about the same – but this isn’t the case. One of the most important things you should find out before deciding which adoption professional to work with is the type of outreach program the agency or professional uses. In particular, does the agency or professional have national adoption outreach programs, or regional?

For the majority of people looking to adopt, the common goal is to adopt as soon as possible. In the United States, there are a limited number of women who put their babies up for adoption each year. If you hope to have your baby or child in your arms as soon as possible, it makes sense that you would need to have access to as many birth mothers looking to place their child for adoption as possible to increase your potential of finding your child.

Many adoption agencies and professionals limit their adoption outreach programs to their local area. They may only be actively advertising and searching for mothers who want to place their children for adoption with the local area, and this greatly limits the number of potential birth mothers the agency has to work with. It’s common for these agencies and professionals to only work with just a few birth mothers in a year, but they have hundreds of adoptive parents waiting to adopt a child!

When looking for an adoption agency or professional, it probably makes more sense for you to look for those that have national adoption outreach programs. Agencies and professionals who spend time and effort advertising around the country in search of birth mothers who need to place their babies for adoption are going to have more birth mothers to work with and it will increase your potential of adopting a healthy baby from the United States in a shorter period of time. Agencies and professionals with nationwide adoption outreach programs can work with many birth mothers each month.

Another benefit of working with an adoption agency or professional with a nationwide adoption outreach program is an increased likelihood that you find the baby or child that closely matches your desired preferences. You have more choices and won’t feel pressured to take the first child offered to you for adoption.

• What if the birth mother doesn’t find us attractive enough?
• What if the birth mother doesn’t think our house is big enough, or in the best location?
• Will the birth mother think we make enough money to give the child the best possible opportunities in life?

If you have these concerns or others, you’re not alone. It’s common for people looking to adopt to wonder whether or not the birth mother will find them good enough to be the parents of the child they must place with an adoptive family. The good news is most birth mothers simply want a loving home for their baby and are not looking for the “perfect” parent that fits a certain mold.

Sometimes, birth mothers may have a preference for the following situations:

• A specific religion
• State of residence
• A family with a stay at home mom
• Home with or without other children

It is extremely rare for a birth mother to place much importance on the size of a house, or the appearance of the adoptive parents. Money tends to be important only in that there is enough to adequately provide for the needs of the child; and most birth mothers don’t assume that their child will be more loved or more comfortable with an extremely wealthy family! Birth mothers are not expecting or looking for perfection in the family that adopts their baby - they are looking for the family who can provide a loving and safe environment.

When you are hoping to attract a birth mother, it’s important that you simply are yourself. It will not work to try to be someone you aren’t. The right birth mother will like you for who you are, and that will ensure a much better match.

One way to give birth mothers an idea of who you are is to write a winning “birth mother letter”. In this letter, you want to focus on all that you have to offer the baby and the things that make you and your family situation unique. It’s been proven that a well-written letter can reduce your waiting time for adopting a baby by months - or even years.

The letter to birth mothers is one of the most effective methods of reaching out to birth mothers who are looking to place their baby’s into adoptive homes. It’s your chance to make a strong first impression, and to show the birth mothers why they should choose you as the adoptive family.

This is an area of adoption that many prospective adoptive parents question. Most states do allow for birth mothers to receive help with pregnancy related living expenses such as rent, utilities, food, transportation and maternity clothes. These living expenses are provided if the woman is out of work due to the pregnancy. The general rule is that a woman should not have any financial gain from placing her child for adoption nor should she have any financial loss.

I think that most people would agree that it is right to help a girl who is out of work due to her pregnancy and most would willingly due so. It is very important for anyone considering adopting a child to get a good understanding about the issue of paying living expenses. Those who are not educated about this issue often freeze when presented with a match, where the birth mother is in need of financial assistance.

In a typical adoption you can expect to incur between $1,000 and $3,000 in birth parent living expenses. This money is not typically reimbursed if the birth mother changes her mind ,so it is important to be cautious and rely on the guidance of adoption professionals before you begin assisting with expenses. As a rule of thumb you should not help a birth mother until you have received a proof of pregnancy. My clients are told to hold off until the birth mother has provided a proof of pregnancy, family health history and met with an adoption councilor for an assessment. Completing these steps shows commitment on her part and provides information that helps evaluate the case.

Most women are sincere in their desire to place their baby for adoption and they truly need financial help but there are some who are scammers.

Never enter into a conversation about money with a birth parent. Potential Adoptive parents should be there to discuss the pregnancy, the baby, her health, her life anything but money. If a birth parent asks for money always tell them that expenses need to be approved by the professionals who know the law. Always defer money questions to your adoption agency or adoption attorney.

There are many wonderful adoption professionals and agencies who work very hard to help families successfully adopt a baby or child. There also many, however, that don’t quite give you the “full picture” of their services. What would you say if you knew an adoption agency only successfully located 20 birth mothers a year; but had 200 families waiting to adopt a child? Chances are, you would want to look for an agency that limits the number of families on the waiting list to a more reasonable number in comparison to the number of adoptions they handle each year otherwise you can expect to wait years needlessly to adopt.

Many adoption agencies and professionals do not spend much time getting their name out there to mothers who may be looking to put their babies up for adoption. In other words, they hang a sign outside their shop and hope the mothers find them. This is not a problem as long as it is clearly explained to potential clients. With that knowledge hopeful adoptive parents can do a couple of things to react to the situation and expedite their adoption. They can hire an adoption agency that does provide outreach services, they can continue to work with the agency but conduct their own search for a birth mother or they can hire a professional whose sole purpose is to help locate a birth mother.

There are more options available to the family looking to adopt a child than most people think. It’s up to you to do some research in order to find an adoption professional that will work within your personal adoption plan; so that you are not limited by the limitations of a specific adoption agency or adoption attorney.

Your adoption plan should indicate the baby you would like to adopt; what kind of risks you are willing to take, the level of openness you are comfortable with between your family and the birth mother, among other things. Create your adoption plan prior to choosing an adoption professional to work with, so that you can determine whether or not the agency or professional is willing to work within your plan and help you find a suitable match.

You will want to consider the fact that each adoption professional you consider hiring has a lot to gain financially by having you sign up for their adoption program - even if their program is not the best fit for you. That is why it is so important for you to seek knowledge and define your goals before you spend large sums of money.

When a family looking to adopt a child signs up with the wrong adoption professional, there is a strong possibility that the family will spend years on a waiting list without a child. In some cases, families feel they are judged for having limits to the type of adoption situation they feel comfortable with- and are pushed into accepting high risk adoption situations. It’s important that you find an adoption professional that knows your personal adoption goals, and is not only supportive of them; but will help you successfully adopt a child in a reasonable time frame.

Tags: Adoption, adoption mistakes, adoption professional, adoption agencies

The thought of a fully open adoption can scare some people away from adopting. Birth mothers also have fears about ongoing contact. Has it ever been proven that ongoing contact with birth parents is in a child’s best interest?

Here are my thoughts. I will dare to speak out here at the risk of being judged by some adoption professionals. I believe that adopted children benefit from having information; photos, health history and possibly letters from their birth parents. I also believe that if an older child asks to meet his/her birth parents that every effort should be made to arrange a meeting.

I do not think fully open adoption should be forced on a child who may have no desire for this type of ongoing contact? Many fully open adoptions are arranged and the terms agreed upon long before the child is born. These agreements do not take into consideration what the child really wants or needs. Ongoing visits may be very upsetting and confusing to an adopted child. What seven year old wants to have to explain to his/her friends why they have two moms at their birthday party? And how confusing is it to have to say goodbye over and over to a biological parent?

I know that my daughter would not like to have this type of contact. I talk openly with her about her adoption and I keep a file of her birth parents photos and health history for her. She has gone to the folder on a few occasions and I have pulled the folder out to show her certain things, but for the most part she prefers not to go there. This is not to say she never will, but so far she has had no desire. I have asked her if she would like to meet her birth mother and she is not ready.

When she begins to seek more information or ask for visits I will do everything in my power to meet her needs. Forcing openness on her will never be an option. Not because I fear it but because I think it will upset her.

I am a proponent of semi open adoptions, by that I mean getting to know the birth mother prior to the birth, exchanging photos, letters and updates so that when the child is old enough a meeting can be arranged. I do not believe that open adoption should ever be forced on a child by an arrangement that was made to accommodate the birth mother or the adopting family.

If you are considering adopting a child and you are not 100% comfortable with a fully open adoption arrangement, you should make that known to any adoption professional you are considering hiring. If you do enter into a fully open adoption the terms of the adoption should take into consideration the child involved. You may want to agree to visits for the first three years or until the child is old enough to understand and then reevaluate based on the needs and reaction of the child involved.

Tags: Adoption, adopting a child open adoption

Concern: Adopted children grow up to have psychological problems.

We can probably thank television for this misconception. Most of the research and studies performed regarding adoption shows that adopted children are no more at risk than non-adopted children in terms of their mental health or adjustment. When comparing the issues faced of biological children and their parents with the issues faced by adopted children and their parents – the fact is, both families face similar experiences and it doesn’t seem to make a difference whether the children are biological or adopted, but there are a number of things that parents can do to minimize risks for mental illness.

Concern: An open adoption arrangement means the birth mother can take the child back if she wants to.

Adoption is the legal transfer of parental rights from a birth family to adoptive family, whether it is an open adoption or not. With open adoption, the adoptive parents and birth mother decide how much contact the birth mother and child will have. Open adoption may mean the birth mother can correspond with the child via letters, email, photographs and telephone; or it may allow for face-to-face visitations at the adoption agency, a public place, or at times- in the families home. The level of openness will depend on the adoptive families and the birth mother and what everyone feels comfortable with. Fully open adoptions (those that include visitations with the birth mother) only make up about 1% of adoptions, but there is an increasing number of semi-open adoptions which allow photographs and letters to be exchanged between the birth mother and the adopting family.

Concern: Only very wealthy families can afford child adoption.

The adoption laws require that a home study is conducted to confirm that a prospective family is able to provide for an adopted child’s emotional, physical and financial needs. The average cost for domestic adoption is between $18,000 and $25,000, but it can sometimes be done for less. There are a variety of options available to families of different income levels and lifestyles, including a federal government adoption tax credit for middle-income families. The tax credit can offer $10,000 or more to the adoptive parents. If a family adopts a child that is in the car of a state foster care program, the adoption cost may be waived or subsidized.

Concern: If I choose to adopt, I will be on a waiting list for years before I become an adoptive parent.

The length of time a family waits for adoption can vary depending on a variety of factors- but the average wait time is between six and eighteen months. It does take time to identify a good match between a child and the adoptive family, with factors like health, race, age, and ethnicity playing a role in the decision. People who are hoping to reduce their adoption wait should seek knowledge about the domestic adoption process, establish their adoption goals and then seek adoption professionals that will help you reach those goals. Hiring the wrong adoption agency or adoption attorney could add years to a families wait.

Tags: Adoption, adopted children, adoptive family, adoptive parents

Obviously the media has a limited understanding of who places babies for adoption. The number one reason a woman considers adoption is financial.

The majority of these women do not have the money to properly provide for the child they are pregnant with and they usually have little or no family support.

When a woman chooses adoption for her child she is usually looking to find a family who will give her baby everything she can’t. Adoption is a very unselfish choice. Jamie Lynn Spears does not fit the profile of someone who would consider adoption. She is wealthy and has a support system, which includes family and friends. Most women choose an adoptive family, who has more to offer than she does. What adoptive family could offer more to Jamie’s baby?I am writing this post to help people understand what motivates a woman to place a baby for adoption. Sadly the number one reason is a lack of money. Birth mothers choose adoption as a way to give their child all that they can not provide.

Tags: Adoption, birth mother, child adoption, Jamie Lynn Spears

I view adoption as the greatest gift and I view the adoption process as a test of who we are. When I was waiting to adopt I learned one thing, adoption is a true leap of faith. It can feel so discouraging to want something(a baby) more than life itself, and to feel like you have no control over the outcome. Well you may not be able to control which birth mother will pick you, or how quickly you will be chosen, those things will require an element of trust. Trust like you may never have before , trust that you will get the right baby, the one that is meant to be yours.

If you are a person who is use to setting goals and achieving them this idea of trusting or having no control can be very frustrating. You really have no choice but to trust in this one area. It is not like you can work harder, spend more and force the outcome you want. My advice is to trust in the outcome and take control of the things you can control. I am hoping that this blog will help you gain control of the aspects of adoption that are controllable.