Infernal Minion Memos

Tip #3: Pride

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sat, 09 Oct 2010 20:31:00 +0000

Minions,

One of the tools that is used by our Enemy in the lives of the humans is the sense of accomplishment and fulfillment they feel when they achieve a "worthy" goal. And when I say "worthy", I'm being sarcastic. Those little do-gooders make me sick when they put the needs of others (friends, family, church, community, etc.) before themselves. You are not doing your job properly when this happens!

The way to salvage this type of situation is to manipulate this feeling into pride. I'll illustrate.

Let's say that you were unsuccessful in deterring a person into a sinful activity one afternoon. Instead, she was able to ignore your suggestions and decided to spend that time working on the lesson she plans to teach to the 3rd graders in her Sunday School class the next morning. Do not give up and think, "Oh, I blew it. I guess I'll take a nap until she is finished." Quite the contrary! You need to see this as an opportunity!

Start by telling her that she is righteous. Encourage her to see herself as a "good" person. (See Tip #2: False Sense of Security) Repeat it over and over so that she is constantly reminded of her superiority. If she is doing other things for Him, use those to continue to add to her inflated sense of self-importance and self-righteousness (if you cannot deter her from doing them). Remind her that most other people, even so-called "Christians", do not bother with teaching His ways to others.

In fact, the next critical step requires you point out that other people are not nearly as "good". When she is doing His work, whisper things like, "Your friend so-and-so would never do this. You are a much better person than her!" Compel her to point out her "selfless" (Ha! By this time she is no longer being selfless, but just the opposite! Her giving is completely self-serving!) acts to friends, family, and even strangers. Don't let her see that she is doing this, however. It's important that she is so absorbed in herself that she doesn't realize that she is now doing these things out of pride.

On the opposite end of this, be sure that the friends, family, and strangers to whom she brags immediately hear the self-righteousness in her words. Yell at them, "Did you hear that?! Wow, she thinks she is better than you!" Remind these people that she calls herself a Christian and encourage them to make a mental note that "Christian = self-righteous hypocrite."

Next, expand this to other areas of her life. These next suggestions will work for all humans...so if you are not currently tempting one of His followers, this information also applies to you.

When your person is successful at anything, you need to compel them to brag about it. I don't care if it's their position at work, kids' grades, house size, bank account balance, athletic ability, or any of a number of other non-sinful accomplishments. Tell them they are amazing and so much better than their friends.

I am also thrilled to tell you that this applies to sinful endeavors! They need to see their success in their sin as great accomplishments. Fill them with pride about their ability to drink large quantities of alcohol, sexual conquests, drug usage, verbal and physical fights, stealing, and any other sinful activity you have convinced them to do. However, in this case it is important that those who hear their bragging aren't disgusted...but they are jealous! Use seductive language to entice them to long for this type of lifestyle so that they, too, can be superior.

I've got to run. There are many pastors/ministers/priests that are fine-tuning their sermons today and I want to personally encourage the influential ones to pepper their teaching with "I do this..." and "My family does that..." so that their congregations (or other listeners) detect self-righteousness and pride in their message.

Go...and make ME proud!!!

Tip #2: False Sense of Security

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sun, 03 Oct 2010 17:25:00 +0000

Minions,

Sometimes your best course of action is to reassure.

I know that seems boring. You all enjoy the drama and pain that ensues when you can really sink in your teeth! But...if you are patient, we will have an eternity for that.

Particularly in the "land of freedom" where individuals have the ability to learn about, practice, and express their beliefs, you will find that they are susceptible. In this place, many of them no longer appreciate this freedom. Their bibles sit untouched and dusty on the shelf. The owners of these despicable texts don't even realize that there are other mortals who literally die to read them. This kind of death is of no use to us...but the opposite kind of life is right up our alley!

They have become enamored with calling themselves "Christians". Yes, we know it's laughable in many cases. But we need to reinforce their ignorance, self-righteousness, and denial. Your part in this is easy! Just tell them over and over that their eternity is safe if they just call themselves a Christian and go to a church occasionally.

Be careful...more frequent attendance might harm your goal, but not always. Many of these people can go every Sunday and we are still able to blind them to the truth. It's a good idea to distract them while they are there (see Tip #1) with thoughts about the sins of the others sitting in the pews next to them. Encourage them to view the others as hypocrites and to worship their own perceived righteousness. There are not many allies more successful in turning people away from the Creator than self-righteous, bible-illiterate, non-repentant, self-titled "Christians" who don't even understand what the term implies. What a great way to keep new people from meeting Him! I'm a freaking genius! I invented this LONG ago and it works as effectively today as it ever did...if not better.

Some of their rituals can also be used in this effort. For example, if they have been "baptized" they often feel that their eternity with Him is secure. Over the centuries you all have done an exceptional job in repeating to them over and over the lie that this is the only requirement to enter His kingdom. Many of them are completely oblivious to the fact that this is simply a first step and an outward sign to others that they are inviting His Holy Spirit in to change their lives. Many of them think their responsibilities are done at this point. They are not even trying to have a relationship with Him. "I'm saved through faith!", they will say. Ha, ha, ha...they conveniently forget/deny that faith without action is dead.

The opposite of this is even better! Many of them (those who call themselves Christians and those who do not) have been led by you all to believe that all "good" people will avoid Hell. I love this!! I don't know how we pulled this one off to be quite honest! LOL!!!! "Good" people?! It is my absolute favorite oxymoron. (This is where their self-righteousness has really come in handy.) Continue to convince them with this lie that the One who will judge them is not actually just.

Tell them that He really doesn't care if they sin as long as they are "good" (whatever that means!). Tell them that it doesn't matter if they believe in Him, as long as they are "good". Tell them that there is no need to accept His Son's sacrifice in place of their own! They just need to be "good". And I don't care what definition you give them of "good" as long as it leads them into a false sense of security. Make sure that their moral standard is something besides His word!

Well, I'm off. Church is out and I have some minds to distract before the message is internalized. Keep those bibles dusty!

Tip #1: Distractions

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sat, 02 Oct 2010 04:30:00 +0000

Minions,

With the advent of technology and the enormity of the world wide web, I've decided to further my communication with (and exercise my power over) you. With so many humans engaged in, enamored with, and distracted by the internet, I knew you would all have easy access. Damn! How I wish we were omnipotent and omnipresent like our Enemy!! Your tendencies to work in groups (Do you remember that one guy that He referred to as "Legion"? Lol!) have been very productive in teaching strategies to each other that have helped make so many of the mortals stumble and fall.

But it's not good enough. I want more. Read. Learn. Apply. And bring me more souls. Otherwise...there will be Hell to pay! Oh, I crack myself up...

The first tip is simply to distract them from their relationship with the One who created them. This needs to start young and can be done in many ways in many places.

At home distract them with their television sets, video games, cell phones, food, and (of course) the computer. Not only will they spend time accomplishing absolutely nothing, but they will also feel guilt and shame. When you can supplement the lack of productivity with lust and gluttony, it increases the effects dramatically.

For example, with children you may only be able to distract them through innocent programs and games that simply waste their time. (Work diligently to avoid Biblical or educational programming and games. Convince them that these are stupid and lame.) However, we have often been able to start enticing them to more lustful content at an average of only 11 to 12 years of age. Keep it up! The younger that we can expose them to graphic sexual content, the earlier we can begin building an addiction to and worship of sex. (I will elaborate on this more in a later blog but it is just such an exciting--not to mention fruitful--part of my strategy!)

Little do they know how much they help our efforts simply by pushing "forward" on their sexually explicit emails and picture texts. Remind them that these are simply a form of entertainment and convince them that it is harmless to just pass them on. It helps to remind them that their friends love to get these and that it will make them popular--no matter their age or gender. The need for acceptance and lustful desire isn't just for teenagers or males!

Do not underestimate the distractive power of food. In countries where food is plentiful, humans from young to old can spend hours lusting after, worshiping, and gorging themselves on the stuff. Just look at how fat they are getting! Again, the guilt and shame that follow is invaluable. Manna from heaven? Please... These selfish people would've spit it out and whined for a Big Mac. And have you noticed the amount of money they'll spend on a few tablespoons of fish eggs simply due to their enormously inflated sense of pride! This is a great investment in MY cause. Do you realize that this money must've been a surplus that they didn't need? Wow...some of you must be whispering some great stuff in their ears to get them to waste their resources! As long as they aren't spending it to ease some of the suffering that we are causing, I'm pleased as punch. "Let the homeless man starve, I want to gag myself on some slimy raw fish eggs!" Isn't it hysterical?!

Finally, distract them with people. Whisper to them about the "perfect" people (LOL...like there is such a thing!) with words of inadequacy and shame. Remind them about sins that others have committed against them--causing bitterness and thoughts of revenge. Accuse and condemn them unmercifully about past sins...making them relive them over and over. Work to put lustful images in their minds of fornication and adultery. And when they don't seem to hear you...send another human who does. So many prideful, sinful humans have become excellent allies in our battle to distract the others from their purpose. Peer pressure was one of my most glorious inventions.

It doesn't matter where they are--home, school, work, their car, church, a bar, with friends--whatever! There are distractions everywhere and you need to be using them! It is essential that they fail to develop a relationship with Him. Once that happens, it is impossible to separate them from His love. Distract, distract, distract so that it never gets to this point.

Okay...enough for today. You have work to do...and I need to go watch Oprah. Gotta love the New Age crap she is preaching to the masses! Talk about a distraction!