She no longer “paints pictures” in her mind of him/them. She sees the loneliness and emptiness and despair of those trying to find something in the wrong place.

Please understand that her movement to this state took place after months of attempting to cope with the affair and rebuild the marriage.

I observe that this movement toward compassion is extremely difficult in the beginning stages of infidelity in which much pain, fear, confusion and rage rules.

Read this case study:

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

2 years ago I found out about the affair. My husband stopped having all contacts with her on the day of my discovery. After a few horrible days and nights we started “working on” our marriage and our relationship. 2 years later we are at a point of “standstill”. I still have the problem with not trusting him, I still think he is not telling me the whole through, I still can not really pin-point the kind of affair it was, so I decided to go and see for myself where, what and who “made” my husband forget his promise to me, the children and to himself. I wanted to see the place and feel the atmosphere , I wanted to understand what was motivating him for 2 years to live a secret, double life and I wanted to see what kind of a person would knowingly hurt other people. I wanted to understand what does my husband really say when he tells me:”I was addicted, I was crazy, I was insane, I did not love her, sex was not great in fact it was terrible, I would never go out in public with her, I was unhappy and she knew exactly when which buttons to push …” The OP worked for me for a few years before and their affair started at that time , first by phone, SMSs and 3 years later became sexual (for 2 years) . So, when I stood in front of her door I did not need to introduce myself , in addition their affair ended 2 years ago, so she nearly fainted when out of the blue I stood there asking her if she remembers me. Well she did. She invited me in, gave me a coffee, composed herself quite quickly . I asked her if she loved him and she said “Yes” I asked her if she ever believed that he will leave me and marry her . She said “Yes”

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

My visit was 2 hours long. The apartment was dark, very small, behind the trees. A perfect place for secrets. There was a black cat, could be the sister of our black cat. I found out that it was. She talked quite freely, admitted that it took her many years to get him to sleep with her. She never thought that their affair was hurting other people, in fact, she never thought about me or children, she never asked him about us. After speaking with her , after seeing the place, I felt for the first time something like compassion for him and for her. I started to see that disturbed , unhappy and very confused man (my husband), I started to see that naive, quite selfish and very lonely woman and most of all, I started to see our marriage and our relationship for what it was then (before the affair) and for what it is now and what could have been and what can be, if…. if I allow myself to let go of the demons a little, became more realistic, less romantic, less superior, more open to be loved. I now believe that our marriage and our relationship can have a future.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

No, I would not do it differently. That visit made me see the reality. I don’t paint pictures anymore – about him, her, or myself. I have a choice. I feel free to make a choice. He is not perfect, I am not perfect. And she does not matter. What choice will I make? I do not know just now. What I know however is that, this time, my decision to stay or to go will be based on realistic reasons.

Confrontation may be seen (as in the case study below) as an end – to stop the affair.

Stopping the affair may work (depending on the type of affair, the degree to which your spouse “truly” wants out of the affair and other factors) but after the confrontation healing of substance and trust building begins.

In this case study, the confrontation did stop the affair, but there was zilch left in the marital relationship.

Case study:

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

I found a txt message on my partners mobile phone” When are you coming back paul, I miss you. Love Lyn x I was furious. I wrote down the number then confronted my man. I was leaving for a trip in 3 hours. He cut up the sim card and said it was “done”. I called her number during a stop over. My heart was racing. I had proof , tangible proof finally that she was in contact with him. He is easily swayed, if I wanted this to stop I had to make her pull away. So began a tirade of calls, hang up, txts, emails etc.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

Others who cared for me helped in the quest to bully her out of our lives. There was a duplicate page for her on Facebook, looked the same but hell was it full of truths and warnings to others – men and women- about psychos like her that use Facebook to prey on our men. It worked, she sent him an abusive email – derogatory toward not only myself but also him. Wishes she had never met him. Threatened him with the police. I want to be sure it has stopped but can not be certain. He is clever with the computer, I see his trail.(He doesnt think I know where to look) he has visited new public email sites and signed up. He doesnt access these when I am around. When I confronted him previously he denied everything – even with very tangible evidence, tried to lie his way into an explanation. He didnt have my advantage though… he didint know how much of the big picture I was seeing. make a list… see where the dots connect…keep following the path. its so easy.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

I wouldn’t do it again. He is on his final warning. If he gets caught I walk – and he will find himself in mountains of trouble financially, I am the major wage earner! If I were to do anything differently – it would be to do nothing differently. I waited patiently to find this slags address or phone number – one cant intimidate by email, its too easy to be blocked. She was so damned cocky, figured he would choose her – even though the affair was electronic and conducted across state lines. I learned so much, and renewed a vow to myself never to give 100% ever again. I will never fully trust a man, even this one ever again – hurts too much when you get the kick inthe guts- right where the intuition was screaming at you to wisen up to things, face and confront!

Below is a familiar case study.

The wounded wife is in a fight for her life to save her dependent rather passive, easily-lead-by-the-nose husband from an aggressive female.

The wounded wife (who is aggressive herself) does battle with the other woman.

Not a pretty picture.

Of course, the wounded wife “wins” because the cheating husband finds more solace in accommodating his aggressive wife where there is more investment than with the aggressive other woman.

In reality, no one wins.

Winning would mean the married couple addressing the wife’s need to protect (or control) her husband and the husband’s passivity (which really is control.)

Here’s the case study:

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

I found a txt message on my partners mobile phone” When are you coming back paul, I miss you. Love Lyn x I was furious. I wrote down the number then confronted my man. I was leaving for a trip in 3 hours. He cut up the sim card and said it was “done”. I called her number during a stop over. My heart was racing. I had proof , tangible proof finally that she was in contact with him. He is easily swayed, if I wanted this to stop I had to make her pull away. So began a tirade of calls, hang up, txts, emails etc.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

Others who cared for me helped in the quest to bully her out of our lives. There was a duplicate page for her on Facebook, looked the same but hell was it full of truths and warnings to others – men and women- about psychos like her that use Facebook to prey on our men. It worked, she sent him an abusive email – derogatory toward not only myself but also him. Wishes she had never met him. Threatened him with the police. I want to be sure it has stopped but can not be certain. He is clever with the computer, I see his trail.(He doesn’t think I know where to look) he has visited new public email sites and signed up. He doesn’t access these when I am around. When I confronted him previously he denied everything – even with very tangible evidence, tried to lie his way into an explanation. He didn’t have my advantage though… he didn’t know how much of the big picture I was seeing. make a list… see where the dots connect…keep following the path. its so easy.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

I wouldn’t do it again. He is on his final warning. If he gets caught I walk – and he will find himself in mountains of trouble financially, I am the major wage earner! If I were to do anything differently – it would be to do nothing differently. I waited patiently to find this slags address or phone number – one cant intimidate by email, its too easy to be blocked. She was so damned cocky, figured he would choose her – even though the affair was electronic and conducted across state lines. I learned so much, and renewed a vow to myself never to give 100% ever again. I will never fully trust a man, even this one ever again – hurts too much when you get the kick inthe guts- right where the intuition was screaming at you to wisen up to things, face and confront!

This small voice knows what we need and what we need to do.

Sounds easy.. but far from it. This instinctual knowing voice is often drowned by other prominent voices that tout cultural imperatives, the latest pop psychology or fear based thoughts.

Here’s a man that followed his instincts:

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

We met in the hallway at work a few days after I discovered the affair. I could not walk past this guy without saying something so I asked him to come up to my office, I am his Boss
.
2. What happened? What was the outcome?

He came up eventually and I told him that he was in the process of dismantling my family and how difficult and painful it was.He appologized and left promptly. He still did not stop pursuing my wife. I had to threaten my wife with divorce and had him banned from the Admin office and had to stay away from me.I eventually spoke to his wife who knew something was going on but uncertain of what it was. She got to him and he finally called me back to say that he wanted his marriage intact as well and if he could take back the affair he would…he apologized again and this time he stayed away from my wife.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

No.I learned to follow my heart andf my instincts in trying to sort out this most terrible experience of my life. My wife and I have relocated half way across the world and slowing piecing things back together.

But, for the sake of illustration, read what this reader says about setting boundaries with her cheating husband:

Separate; then set specific boundaries, thus creating a bit of control from this chaos. I know this is really long, but is, thus far, working for me. Boundaries by mary johnson September 25, 2008 1. Please have my prior permission before coming onto this property for any reason; you are no longer welcome to just pop in anytime. A phone call is fine. ___ 2. When you have been invited to visit, please knock, and be invited in, before entering. ___ 3. If you wish to attend Church, you must attend a different worship service other than 9:30 a.m. ___ 4. As long as your paycheck continues to be deposited directly into our joint checking account, I agree to use the money you provide and be responsible for household expenses, including truck and loan payments, for the duration of this separation. You agree to limit your expenses to $500 per month. If your expenses exceed this amount, this may be negotiated and adjusted if you have proof of all receipts. I will anticipate $1100 left in our joint account every week. ___ ___ 5. When you are in the presence of our children, particularly in public, you will speak and act like a man who is married to their mother. You will do whatever it takes to protect them from further embarrassment and to provide an environment in which they feel secure and unconditionally loved. ___ 6. We will both write out our personal goals for this separation and share these with each other by January 1, 2009. ___ 7. You will set a specific time period you expect or are willing for this separation to last. For myself, I need you to resolve this situation by reconciliation or divorce by April, 2009. If you feel you are ready to move back into our home before whatever date we agree upon, I am willing to consider that possibility. Let me know your anticipated time period. ___ ___ 8. Any dates with each other during this time of separation need to be arranged in advance. If you wish to discuss our relationship during these private times, you must first ask permission to do so. ___ 9. I would ask for you to present, in writing, any decisions you make affecting the outcome of this separation before you just go ahead and make the change. ___ 10. Both of us agree to remain in counseling, at least twice per month, for at least the duration of this separation. ___ ___ 11. I will not tolerate any violation of my privacy in any way. You will not ask the children anything about me and you will also not ask them to keep anything from me. ___ Please initial each item you agree to abide by, sign and date below. Return one copy to me. _________________________ ________ _________________________ ________ Lonnie, if you are even the least bit interested in keeping open the option of reconciliation, then this is what I need you to do immediately. If you are unwilling to do this now, then you are choosing to close the door completely on this family and you might as well file for divorce. Today. Right now. I need you to model behavior acceptable of a married man. This means demonstrating to your children the values you want and expect them to have. These include, but are not limited to, honesty, integrity and commitment. What this specifically means is that you must have no communication whatsoever with that other woman while you are still legally, and in the eyes of God, married to their mother. You must return the private cell phone to its owner, now. This can be done by mail with a note explaining you will no longer be needing it. The other option is to return it in person as long as you have Pastor Tommy or one of the church elders with you. However you choose to do it, it must be crystal clear to her that your relationship, in any form, is history; completely terminated. She is not to pursue you or attempt to see you or call you or even speak with you ever again. You will be unapologetic and unwavering, leaving no doubt about your intentions and absolutely no room for hope of a relationship in the future. Lonnie, if you are unwilling to do this after all this time, that says to me that you have clearly made your choice. Since your children are aware of your continuing betrayal, they need to be assured, by more than your words, that this has happened. The clear purpose is to immediately, effectively and permanently dismiss this person from all of our lives. What Isaac and Laura need is a re-commitment from you, in writing, to be the man you want to be and the father they thought you were. Lonnie, they are just now discovering their sexual identity. How they observe mom and dad acting is exactly what they will expect and look for in a lifetime mate. If they are ever to have any hope for a wonderful, secure Christian marriage and completely honest relationship, they need to know what that looks like. Otherwise you leave them only with this legacy of failure, deception and betrayal. How can they possibly hope for better when this is their example? The destruction you and that other person have done to Isaac and Laura will never be completely erased from their memory. But you can salvage your image somewhat by turning your back on what is wrong, immediately, and turning toward Jesus Christ, your children and your family. That could be what Isaac and Laura will choose to remember from this horrid time in their adolescence. Mercy, grace and forgiveness. Otherwise, they will simply remember deception, rejection, betrayal and immorality. They’ll remember a dad who left when life got too hard because he loved someone else while still married to their mother. What you have been asking them to do is to make an immoral, inappropriate relationship seem normal and okay. Is that what you want them to think? Yet you‘ve continued!! The only hope you have of regaining the honor and respect you so desire is to stop immediately. Your children and I are not the least bit interested that you “try” to do the right thing or that you are “doing your best”. It’s too late for trying. You simply must do it or divorce.

This readers expresses her journey in coping with infidelity:

I have been the frog in water that doesn’t realize that the water is boiling until it is too late. I know that I can’t change him, but I also know the man he was before all of this started. He has been having the rage/revenge affair. She has lied to him over and over about me, because she was also my best friend. She is a widow and has two children to support. She has played on his sympathies. He doesn’t see the truth, and I can’t make him see the truth. I have been charging neutral ever since I read your book and it has helped tremendously. I made so many mistakes in the beginning, that I can’t even begin to count them. The pain of this double betrayal has been my undoing. It has put me in a position that I never could have ever imagined for my life and the life of my child. Ever since I stood up to him that night, there have been no more confrontations at all. I confronted him with proof positive and it shocked him to the core. I know that he continues to communicate with her, but not on the same level as before. There are other things that I did not tell you before either. She physically attacked me one night in our business because they were both drunk and I told them that it was time to go home. He defended her and tried to physically throw me out of here. I took a good beating. I should have called the police, but I felt sorry for my daughter and her kids. (My daughter witnessed the entire scene.) I left of my own accord, because I felt sorry for my daughter. I should have left then, but there is so much on the line because we have a business together and our property is on the market for quite a tidy sum. Attorneys have advised that I not leave until that is taken care of. In the mean time, I have learned to charge neutral. I also do not think that it is fair for my daughter to be uprooted from her school and home because he refuses to leave. In short, I can’t believe that this is my life, but I know in my heart that this is not my fault. It has everything to do with him and very little to do with me. I learned that from your book. Thank you so much for all you do. You have no idea how I wait every day in anitcipation for your emails. Your book helped me to take control of a very out of control situation!!

In confronting the other person, underlying and very pertinent questions are:

What will confronting the other person get for me?
What kind of person am I and how do I want to express that in the confrontation?
What kind of person do I want to become and how can I use the confrontation to expedite that?
How can the confrontation best serve me?
What personal needs do I have now that the confrontation may meet?

This case study illustrates a person concerned about how SHE wants to present herself in the confrontation – no consideration for outcome in terms of the op, but only in terms of how she wants to be.

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

I simply walked up to her and congratulated her on a job well done in a show she was in with my husband.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

She looked at me like a scared little rabbit. I really thought she was expecting me to blow up in her face, but I did the exact opposite. I felt very powerful and full of energy. I had taken back control. I wanted her to know that I existed. I was hoping it would burst the fantasy bubble. Later, I found out from my husband that she had been scared as I was walking toward her expecting a big scene. I calmly complimented her and gave her a hug. Wow! Tough, but necessary to charge neutral.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

I would have done it the same exact way. Sometimes I wonder if I should have said something more sarcastic, but I always come back to being very pleased with how I did handle the situation.

Do you (really!) want to know the details?
Are you hoping the OP will share the details with you?
And, if the OP is willing to share details with you, what kind of details do you suppose s/he will share?
And, as well, how can you trust that his/her perceptions of the details are accurate?
Or, what if the OP has has hidden motives in sharing his/her perception of the details?

If you want to meet the op with the intent of boosting your self-esteem (hey, I really am OK), do you suppose there are better ways of doing that than through confronting the op?
And, what if confronting the op leads to more questions than answers and leaves your self-esteem in a less precarious position?

Consider these questions as you read this case study:

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

The purpose though embarrassing was to find out how good she was in her talk,whether she was brilliant or had a great sense of humor and to wriggle out the truth from her which I did..

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

It was the most painful conversations that Ive ever had in my life and I
still don t know who s speaking the truth.Painful becoz all the gory details of their sexual encounters came tumbling out ,just becoz she wanted to avenge him for so called letting her down and coming back to me and the children.Apparently she had persuaded him long and hard to give me a divorce ,take the children away from me to her and that she would not have children of her own,etc,etc,which my idiotic husband believed and got ready to leave..The thought still is so frightening and shocking..

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

I really don t know becoz it s been almost 2 years, but the pain is as new as if has happened yesterday and the one good lesson I seem to have learned is that one can only believe in oneself and nobody else.Investing time ,energy and love in another person comes with no guarantees at all as most men as I’VE EXPERIENCED ARE UNDEPENDABLE…

My readers often give clues.

Read what these readers say as they move through the healing process of infidelity:

****Everything you said NOT to do (in my Killer Mistakes E-course), I did, or worst, my adult children did. It had the negative effects you said it would. When emotions come out they don’t make much sense at first. Now, we are breaking the ice a little. Real feelings have come out and honesty at last. I told him that I don’t want him to lose his children, grandchildren and I don’t want to lose him as a person. He wants that too. My son sent him a very long email that was so beautiful that it finally moved him to see others’ feelings. When you are having an affair, apparently you can only think of yourself and what you think you have lost in life. Maybe he can start to see that no one would have been this hurt if they didn’t have a lot of love. I think that forest was always there but the trees failed to embrace him.

****It’s (Ecourse) helped me realize that there wasn’t anything I have done wrong, I had a healthy self esteem, but my husband is a repeat offender who doesn’t seem to have the will to stop, so I know it isn’t all in my head.

*****(Ecourse) Made me realize I wasn’t crazy! Also helped me move to a point where I think that whilst I would prefer to stay in my marriage if that would work I can also quite happily make a life on my own which I never felt before. It has helped me enormously in stopping feeling a victim and at somehow guilty of causing the affair.

It is important in those types of affairs to learn how to deal effectively with the blame criticism and possible physical abuse.

Here are some case studies:

1. What in the way of disrespect, blame, criticism and/or abuse are you facing?

Blames me for staying with him, not leaving when I’ve had the chances, maybe I seek out abusive relationships, I’m the only one that has a problem with his “need” and when he lies and I discover it, he says I snoop, distrustful, play detective when in reality its my intuition telling me and I’ve done nothing to snoop around. In the past I was too needy, clingy, too emotional or I don’t meet all his needs so he needs to have them met by outside encounters.

2. What has worked best for you in stopping or tolerating less and less of these destructive behaviors?

No longer take any blame and do this by flat out, in a calm manner, tell him that I am not perfect but I am not to blame for……. and add what ever it is he is blaming me for. I also give him his space, don’t nag, don’t beg or plead with him.

1. What in the way of disrespect, blame, criticism and/or abuse are you facing?

disrespect – by not listening to me and treating me as just a ‘wife’, not a person treats my vocal ability as ‘nagging’. – conducting his affair in our home, on our bed with family pictures around. – having sex with another woman wearing his wedding ring, forgetting what that ring signifies. – talking on the phone to me pretending everything was normal after having sex with another woman in her presence. – not considering for one moment what it really meant for me, our children, our families and friends by having an affair. blame – he blamed me for putting him in a situation that caused an affair to take place. – He blamed me for abandoning him when I chose to live apart temporarily due to work commitments.

2. What has worked best for you in stopping or tolerating less and less of these destructive behaviors?

being strong enough to stand up and let him know I will not tolerate any nonsense from him – making him aware I am prepared to call it quits – being strong and assertive -

1. What in the way of disrespect, blame, criticism and/or abuse are you facing?

Yelling and crusing at me in front of people when he gets upset.

2. What has worked best for you in stopping or tolerating less and less of these destructive behaviors?

Taking a step back and saying “I know you aren’t talking to me that way” or just not fighting back and showing that he is the one acting like a fool and I’m the one that should walk away from this type of verbal abuse.