Karen Keller, Ph.D. » Ascending Order of ALL Newsletters

Work-Life Balance: Who’s Owning Who?

Karen Keller, Ph.D. — Fri, 17 Feb 2012 06:33:25 +0000

Is work-life balance really a myth? Every now and then, I pop over and read the fabulous musings of Cali Yost. She’s an expert blogger on the work-life subject for Fast Company and hosts her own site at the Flex+Strategy Group. I like Cali’s content, and I agree with her: work-life BALANCE is something of a myth. She prefers the phrase “work-life fit.”

Fit. I like that. After all, have we ever, for a single day, truly had “balance” in our lives?

Corporations preach it in their recruiting materials and employee benefits books. Day cares and preschools offer to help us out with it. But if I concede that there’s not really a balance and it’s more of a “fit,” then I think we’re well on our way to making some progress in these days that we live that are brimming with non-stop activity.

It’s pretty simple to see when things are off-kilter: we stay at the office too late, we answer emails at odd hours from our smart phones, and our voicemail inboxes fill up like the laundry basket.

I put together three tips that you can start using TODAY to make your work-life balance a bit more balanced. Put on your life like it fits, and stop trying to button that top button when you had the extra helping of your neighbor’s awesome potato salad at the picnic last night!

Work-Life Balance Tip #1: Take Lunch

Yes, I’m crazy. I’m telling you to take lunch. Whether you work from home or in an office, step away from your work domain for a minimum of thirty minutes. Stop scheduling conference calls during lunch. Don’t answer your phone. Don’t respond to emails. Unplug – and see how much easier it is to plug back in.

Work-Life Balance Tip #2: Hard Stops

Not unlike taking lunch, give yourself a “hard stop” at least two days a week. This means that at 5 P.M. (or whatever time you determine), you call it a day. Not five minutes later, and no excuses. Go DO SOMETHING (and enjoy it). Your inbox will still be there in the morning (and your family and friends will thank you).

Work-Life Balance Tip #3: Ask for Help

If you’re simply afraid that you can’t get everything done and the act of trying is what’s putting you off-kilter, ask for help. Hire a virtual assistant, a house cleaner or one of your teenagers to do some of the tasks and errands.

Whatever the solution, asking for help doesn’t have to be expensive or, worst of all, humiliating. It can be empowering and free you up to do the things you both need and want to do! Take a tip from one of my previous entries on how to offer support. It’s easier to lend and GIVE support than you might think!

[This is only one of the many powerful articles in this week's Influence It! Real Power for Women free ezine. To enjoy the full issue, jam packed with insightful information on strategies to enhance your personal and professional life to achieve ultimate success, you must be a subscriber. Sign up for your own free subscription NOW by clicking here!]

The #1 Secret to Great Leadership Is . . .

Karen Keller, Ph.D. — Fri, 10 Feb 2012 09:54:39 +0000

Listening to the people you are trying to persuade.

The purpose of leadership is to get someone, mainly a group of people, to do something – and that’s to follow you, to agree with your plans and to move to convincing others about your ideas.

You need to convey your message in a way that convinces them to get on board.

And the way you convince them is to listen to them. Not only listening to what they’re saying, but also to what they’re NOT saying. Listen between the lines.

When people are deciding whether to follow you or not, they have questions. They want answers. They want direction. They want solutions to tough questions – answers that affect their lives. They are asking “what’s in it for me?”

They need to trust who you are and what you stand for. Give them both. Show them who you are. Display, or better yet, live your core values and beliefs. Be a role model for anything and everything you expect from them.

Talk to your followers about who they are. What matters to them? What do they stand for? What is their level of commitment? Find out where the gaps are, and what information they are missing.

Before you can expect people to follow you, you need to understand them. The best way to do this is to listen. There are three levels to listening.

The first level of listening is with your ears. Your ears are naturally sensitive and designed to pick up words and sound. You hear what they are saying, when, and how they are saying it. You gather information. This level of listening requires your presence, but not much else. This is the listening level you put on when you’re attending a snooze fest training seminar where the keynote speaker sounds like Ben Stein.

The second level of listening is with your eyes. You are looking at the person sharing what is on her mind, opening up about what confuses her or causes her pain or excitement. At this level, you are watching from a nonjudgmental, unconditional view. Notice people’s facial expressions, and look into their eyes. See their intention. Listen to the emotion in their voice. Try to understand what is missing from the conversation.

The third level of listening is with your heart. This is the most difficult level of listening. It requires you to suspend all assumptions. You give your full attention to the person, stopping your mind from forming a response and giving your undivided attention. You take in everything you are observing. Your focus is on a deeper, emotional level. You are listening for meaning.

When you learn to listen at all three levels, you become an expert listener, which, in turn, guarantees you success as a skillful, intuitive and followed leader.

8 Secrets To a Greater Bottom Line

Karen Keller, Ph.D. — Fri, 03 Feb 2012 07:43:11 +0000

Whether it’s your money bottom line or your life’s bottom line, there are ways to increase both.

You need a bottom line that supports your lifestyle, delivers on your purpose, and brings you the security you deserve.

Some women think a bottom line is only about the money. Remember the Jerry Maguire phrase, “Show me the money?” Well, the bottom line is more than just the money.

Don’t misunderstand; money is important. Money pays the bills, sends kids to college and buys the time share in the Bahamas.

Total health, satisfying relationships, raving customers, and general happiness are just a few of the “other” bottom lines that are significant for women.

Here are a few simple tips that will not only increase your financial bottom line but also your life’s bottom line:

Lower Costs. Keep the cost of late nights, fast-food eating, and drama-filled relationships to a minimum. Doing too much of the not-good-for you things will only end up making you tired or dull causing you to error when making serious business and life decisions.
Increase Efficiency. Do everything as efficiently as you can. No time for slacking. Schedule things that are important you: exercise, family, healthy eating, dental and doctor checkups, prayer and reflection. Limit your time wasted on internet sites that serve no purpose. If you are playing solitaire, that’s scheduled under R&R time. Cross training staff and outsourcing will benefit your financial bottom line, too.
Focus on Quality. Quality sells. Quality makes customers happy. Quality means not having to redo, reiterate, or repeat. Quality is something that great customers (the ones who return multiple times) are happy to pay for.
Branch Out. Find people, tools and resources that will help you. Outsourcing is a must. Sending work out means you have more time to do what you’re best at. You will do only what you can do to increase the financial bottom line, while increasing your own self-worth bottom line.
Diversify. Refuse to get set in your ways. Look at alternative methods or approaches to accomplish what you produce. Learn to look at a problem differently. Do more than think outside the box; try throwing away the rule book when faced with the unsolvable. This means believing in your capacity to change all obstacles in your way.
Narrow Your Focus. Dial down your niche and satisfy what causes them pain. Once you find their pain, offer the remedy. Talk to the one person who will most benefit from your solution. The rest will follow like bees to honey.
Be a Ball Watcher. Never take your eye off the ball. Watch who’s doing what. Keep your finger in the numbers: money, expenditures, invoicing, satisfied customers, customer complaints, employee performance, freelancer performance, initiative, and creativity. You can make your own long list. Next, mange the list and deal with what needs your attention. Hiring, firing, balancing, and pursuing are all part of the bottom line.
Get Organized. Clutter, confusion and chaos only serve to delay your progress. Get rid of the old files, information overload materials, and the things that don’t matter. Clean your space. When was the last time you dusted behind the copier?

Everything on this list is a sure fire way to positively affect your bottom line. After all, the bottom line is that you are living a satisfying, comfortable, free-to-choose life!

Women and Business: 5 Sections of Your Business Plan That Make It Work

Karen Keller, Ph.D. — Fri, 27 Jan 2012 06:08:03 +0000

Writing a business plan is the first step in venturing into building a business. It’s also a requirement if you plan to apply for a business loan.

But a business plan can do more than get you a bank loan. A great business plan will help you plan your business from the end to the beginning.

A business plan is a fluid document that changes as you grow, uncovers challenges, discovers more of what you want and finds out more of what you need to succeed.

Good businesses are started with the end in mind and work backwards.

Sound crazy? Maybe. But it’s the way successful entrepreneurs think, and it’s the way to make it to the top of the business world.

If they can do it, so can you. Before you decide on which business plan template to use, there are 5 necessary things to include when you design and build your business plan:

What Needs To Stop. Figure out everything in your business or life that you hate, that you want to stop, or that you are tired of. This means identifying what is causing you pain and making you depressed. Get to the root of it. Don’t be satisfied with or fool yourself into thinking the superficial stuff is what is causing your pain. Avoid that trap. Be honest with yourself. List the things in your life that cause you stress, frustration or worry.

Go To The Source. Get to the heart of the matter. Know what you want. Figure out what you want day-to-day life to look like. Include everything that you want in your life, how you want to spend your time, and who you want to be around. Think about the things that make you happy, excited, blessed and fulfilled.

Connect The Dots. Look at these two lists and build your bridge. What is similar in both columns? For instance, if you want to feel rested and you’re tired of being run down all the time, then you can see what not only needs to be done, but what you need to put in your business plan to ensure it gets done.

The Ideal Sale. This is similar to knowing your ideal customer except it goes one step further. It’s important to know not only your ideal customer but also the most effective process to get her to “yes.” Is it relationship building? Is it a system? What will you do to make her a returning customer? When you get these answers, you have to assess which skills you already have, which ones need improvement, and the new skills you need to learn to expand the best process.

Do It With Purpose. Your purpose defines the business you’re really in. Your purpose needs to be defined from your ideal customer’s point of view. It needs to clearly state what your product or service will do for customers, and how it will affect their lives. Knowing your purpose improves your performance. When you are clear about your purpose, your productivity will climb because you will be able to evaluate the effectiveness of everything you undertake.

These 5 sections in a business plan are as important (and in some cases, more important) as the numbers, expenses, assets, estimates, and projections the banker wants to see. Having a clear picture of how the “end” of your business will look makes beginning a whole lot easier.

5 Ways To Make Guilt-Free Choices

Karen Keller, Ph.D. — Fri, 20 Jan 2012 08:18:10 +0000

Women are faced with millions of choices about work, family, buying, business, love, God – and the list goes on.

They have social networks, websites, focus groups, dinner gatherings, parties and over-the-fence neighbor talk to exchange thought-provoking, enticing conversations.

Women are no longer confined to the boundaries of the kitchen. They are industrious, educated and motivated to explore all avenues of expression and opportunity. Along with that new found freedom comes a wide range and mixture of emotion.

Women feel guilty at work about not being home with the children, and they feel guilty at home when they aren’t at work prepping for the next conference. They aren’t with their children enough. They aren’t working enough. They aren’t productive enough. And finally, they are not resting enough.

Basically, they are finding it challenging to manage their choices. What? Women have wanted choices from the beginning of time. They have fought hard to receive the gifts of choice – freedom. So, what is getting in the way?

Women still have the belief that they have to be all things to all people. They are suffering from society’s expectation of needing to successfully do it all – on your own.

It doesn’t have to be that way. Women can make choices. However, making choices doesn’t translate into choosing everything. Does doing it all mean total fulfillment and happiness?

So, how do women make choices and not feel guilty, deprived, ashamed, judged or neglected?

Here are 5 ways you can make guilt-free choices:

Know the pros and cons of each choice. When you need to make tough decisions, be informed. Don’t keep your head in the sand. Ask questions. Expect answers. Look for examples of others who made the same choice. What happened? Will you be happy in a similar circumstance?
Who’s involved? If there will be fallout, repercussions, rewards, or consequences for your choice, it’s better to know them up front. This is tantamount to knowing the “blindspots” of your choice. What hidden aspects of your choice could come back to haunt you? Read the small print.
Know your priorities. Women are pulled in a variety of directions, and it seems that no choice comes guilt-free. When making a choice, look to see if it aligns with your priorities. Does it coincide with your value system? Will your decision break the rules you live by?
Try it on for size. Pretend you made the choice, then you ask yourself these three questions:

a. Is my life better because of this choice?
b. Is this choice causing pain in any other part of my life?
c. What would I change about this choice if I could?

If your answers to any of these questions make you uneasy, then it’s time to go back to the “choice board.”
Say good bye to other choices not chosen. This doesn’t mean you can’t change your mind. What it does mean is that you can, without guilt, run with the choice you did make. Don’t look back and second guess yourself or say “what-if.” Keep looking forward.

Can you really do “it all” (guilt-free) without losing your mind … and your desire? No. But you can do what you want without regretting a single choice.

The 8 Most Important Questions To Ask In 2012

Karen Keller, Ph.D. — Fri, 06 Jan 2012 08:03:07 +0000

Women are bombarded with tons of New Year’s messages – do this, do that, don’t do this or don’t do that! It becomes a blur and overwhelming, but it doesn’t have to. You can reach new heights and conquer whatever it is you want.

You feel the pressure of “having” to lose 12 pounds, eat more spinach, exercise three times a week and get a make-over. You also feel the pressure and the scrutiny if you don’t do these things. So what’s a woman to do?

You need to play your best game. Making plans and resolutions goes much deeper than what has become the “norm” in New Year resolution making. Yes, you can get in shape, be prepared, invest in yourself, but the real test of change and resolve comes when you ask yourself these 8 most important questions:

What is the one thing I am best at? It could be how you communicate, connect to others, or how you can organize a party with great results. Maybe you are the best team trainer in the company. Whatever it is, find out and let the world know!
Who is really there for me? It’s important not only to know who your friends are but also who’s there for you when things are really tough. This is your go-to person to help encourage and to raise you up when you need it the most. When you find out who this person is, make a commitment to improve the relationship, show gratitude and respond in kind when needed.
What do I need to learn? You know a lot, but you also don’t know a lot. Pick one thing you don’t know but want to learn. Dive in. Explore its depths. Find out how you can use this knowledge or new skill. Then share.
What blindspots do I have? We all have pieces of ourselves we’d rather not acknowledge: stubbornness, envy, selfishness or greediness. Look at the things you need to improve about yourself. Maybe you need to completely get rid of them. Find out why they exist in the first place. Make room for the better traits you have.
Who needs what I have to contribute? You have gifts and value that others need. Start by identifying what you have to offer and who will benefit from it. You may be surprised at what you’ll find. You have an obligation to let the world experience who you are.
How do I treat the people who matter most to me? You live a busy life. People demand or expect things from you all the time. But don’t get too caught up in your life that you forget to recognize and appreciate the people who helped you on the way up or who love you unconditionally. Make the effort to thank them, spend time with them and return their love.
What am I grateful for? List your blessings. What is going right in your life? What rewards have you received in the last year? Who appreciates you? Work to understand the relationship between gratitude and receiving. The more you are grateful, the more you will receive.
When was the last time I had a conversation with God? Yes, I said God. He’s listening, but are you talking? What are you asking for? Living in your faith at all times will send you more opportunities with relationships, work, money and health. All you need to do is ask.

The best time to focus on these questions is when you are in need of answers that will help and encourage you to live your life more fully. It’s too tempting to get swept away by the details of life that we forget what’s important in the big picture. Keep these questions close and answer them often. It will keep you moving in a direction that will bring prosperity and peace during the New Year.

For Men Only: Games Women Play

Karen Keller, Ph.D. — Fri, 16 Dec 2011 06:33:12 +0000

Every woman has “gamey” tendencies. Tendencies that help her get what she wants. There are times she will use anything she can to get it, including manipulation, tears, whining, pouting and yelling. Whatever works, right? Well, not so fast.

The set-up question. What is really going on when a woman asks, “Do you think I look fat in this dress?” or “What do you really think of my mother?” Let’s look further. If you fib and say she looks really skinny or you absolutely love her mother, she knows you’re not telling the truth. So then what happens? She punishes you not only for lying but also for not noticing she’s gained a few pounds and even she doesn’t care for her mother.

Why does this happen? Because women think and react from their emotions – at least more than men. This isn’t a bad thing; it is a reality. This is the ultimate push-pull game.

What you can do. You can change the topic or distract her with another conversation. If you’re desperate, you can play dead, but she’ll probably notice. But the best idea is to tell her what she wants to know – she has a great figure, and you love her mother. What she really needs is to know that you care about her.
The come-on scenario. This is where a woman wears provocative clothing and then when you look (which is normal), she takes offense saying, “Hey buddy, my eyes are up here.”

Why does this happen? Well, two reasons. She wants to show off her assets, especially if she really has them; and she wants to still feel like a “good” girl, so she chastises you for looking because that’s what “good” girls do. In reality, she wants to assure herself that she still has what it takes. Getting a rise out of you proves she still has it, and she can control you in the process. Two for the price of one. Unfortunately, it’s a way to control with sexuality.

What you can do. This is where you need to keep your wits about you. Think with your head and not your physical desires. The 100% cure for this if you’re single? Wait until the honeymoon! If you’re married? Look at your wife!
The recurring “wait on me” message. You are on time, and she isn’t ready yet. You call ahead, and she doesn’t answer (she sees you on caller id.) She promises to show up, but she doesn’t or is extremely late. This is her way of ensuring that you dance to her tune. You will find this referred to as playing hard-to-get. For women, half the fun is in the chase.

Why does this happen? She wants to see how far she can push you because that will determine how much she controls the relationship. She wants to be the one calling the shots.

What you can do. Again, keep your wits about you. Stay alert to this pattern of behavior. Don’t chase too much, act like a bit of a challenge yourself to entice her to take some initiative to being respectful. Women only play hard-to-get when they know they can get away with it.
Saying one thing, doing another. For example, she’ll say it doesn’t matter which movie you see, then complain when the one you picked was “awful,” or you’ve unknowingly said something that hurt her feelings. Depending on how you respond, she may throw tears in for extra measure.

Why does this happen? She wants to find fault with you first before you find fault with her. It’s an issue of insecurity. Of course, there’s really no way for you to know what the “right” choices are.

What you can do. Show some empathy. And, of course, if you’ve done something wrong or insulting, then you need to apologize. On the other hand, it’s important for you to explain how you can’t read her mind. Let her know you are trying to be as thoughtful as you can be. If she still persists in blaming you, then take a hike.
Mind reading. This woman expects you to read her mind. It’s anything from favorite restaurants, what happened to her during the day, what she wants in the bedroom, and every other little thing. And when you don’t get it, she gives you the silent treatment.

Why does this happen? She equates mind reading with how much you care. Remember, women aren’t supposed to ask for what they want. They’re the ones taking care of everyone else. So this is her way to “ask” without asking. She wants to be certain you understand her feelings and listen to her. A woman doesn’t want to have to write your script. She thinks you should just either know or remember.

What you can do. As much as you may be tempted to, don’t leave her alone. Going after her or attempting to talk it out (translation – you listen and she talks) doesn’t mean you are weak. That’s what confident, strong men do. What she wants to know is that her being upset is important to you. Whatever you do, don’t rush in to fix it. That will just make her feel incompetent. I know, but it’s true.
Compare and contrast. You are constantly being compared and contrasted with her friends’ boyfriends or husbands. You have to be a certain way to measure up for fear of not making the grade.

Why does this happen? Yes, women can be competitive with other women – surprise! She is determined to have the best catch, or at least fix the catch she has.

What you can do. Ask her how she’d feel if you compared her to your friends’ dates or wives. Let her know you are your own man. She should be happy to have someone who is confident in who he is and expresses it to her.
Conflicting wants. This woman wants a manly man who takes charge, but she doesn’t want to be told what to do or have someone to fix things. She wants a man who loves watching romantic comedies but one who doesn’t cry at them. When you show emotion, she brands you as “weak.”

Why does this happen? A woman wants to have it all, but is uncomfortable with how to handle it all. She is still living with and answering to years of stereotypes.

What you can do. Talking, talking and more talking. Something you do best, right? Talk to her about the confusion you are experiencing. Give her feedback about the inconsistent messages you are getting. Point out that if it continues, the relationship will die.

So what can you do about the games women play? First, make yourself aware of these games so you can recognize them when they happen. Then, stop tolerating them. As soon as these games are played out, address them for what they are. Bring it to her attention and call her on it. Tell her you’re not a game player.

She may like being made aware of what she’s doing. Some women do these things without awareness of it; it’s in their blind spot. If she listens to you and corrects what she’s doing, then you have a chance at a healthy relationship. If she blows her stack denying what you are seeing (another attempt to see how much you will put up with), then it’s time to count your losses (or blessings) and leave.

3 Signs of Executive Presence

Karen Keller, Ph.D. — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 07:52:14 +0000

How does she do it? She walks into the room, and all eyes and ears are on her. Waiting, listening, watching. She is the one everyone recognizes as the leader when a team is formed. She’s the first one picked by clients or customers to speak with about their multi-million dollar account. They look to her for guidance and courage.

What does that woman have that you don’t? What’s her secret? Presence.

Executive Presence.

The corporate culture has advanced a great deal in the past several years, but we are still guided by our primal instincts. Having a powerful, commanding presence is the “big stick” of the modern day woman in the executive suite.

Nothing can replace presence. The environment is simply a reflection of the energy we place out there – an energy that comes from within.

Why does this carry so much weight? Well, we don’t walk around with our resume glued to our forehead announcing our talents and skills to the world. Since people don’t “know” you, they are responding to and drawn to the physical energy you project. This is how people form an opinion of you in less than 3 seconds. This is your “visual resume.”

Everything you say and do is evaluated on the basis of that 3-second opinion. It’s not a question of whether this is right or wrong. It’s simply a fact of life you learn to live with.

You are constantly scrutinized.

It’s your executive presence that dictates how others will deal with you: the job interviewer, co-workers, bosses, boards of directors, and most importantly, your clients.

Being confident isn’t a guarantee of presence; rather, it’s how you express your confidence that makes an impression. It’s your ability to project a sense of ease, poise, or self-assurance.

Executive presence is all wrapped up in how you look, how you smell, how your voice sounds, how you carry yourself, what words you are using, and what energy you send out.

There are three areas for you to focus on to create and build your executive presence.

The first area is your image. You first need to know what image you want to project. This image can change with the situation.

If you are trying to convince the CEO of your newest idea, you want to portray an image of intelligence, competence and confidence. You will want to exercise respect. Keep your ego out of it.

This is different from the image you want to portray of being the team leader. As the team leader, you’ll need to be listening, encouraging, caring and thoughtful. You want to be seen as the go-to person.

The key is to choose and know which image fits the circumstance you’re in. There are three components that make up your image: looks and presentation, voice and words, and body language.

The second area is your posture. Do you lean back in your chair during meetings? Are you shaking your leg under the table? Do you fidget in your chair? Keeping a tall, erect posture portrays a sign of self-confidence, which allows others to be confident in you. Information received from someone slouching, being restless or less than engaged is assumed to be incorrect.

When you present a posture of confidence, which is shoulders back, back straight and feet shoulder width apart in a grounded stance, people will trust you, subconsciously admire you and begin to agree with whatever you have to say.

The third area is your eye contact. There is truth in the saying, “The eyes are the windows to the soul.” When you speak to clients or other executives, they search your face for your real intentions. The eyes are the fixture where they place emphasis. When you look into their eyes, you are giving them a sense of absolute certainty as to what you are saying.

Making solid, fearless eye contact draws people in to you, helping them to trust you and see you as an authority of whatever topic you are discussing. A strong powerful stare can help you stay in control of the situation more than any pointed statement you could make.

When you make direct eye contact, the message you are sending is that you are listening, interested, showing respect and concern that people will appreciate.

When you sense an argument or confrontation, look the other person straight in the eye focusing on the iris. Hold your stare with commitment that the other person will look away first. Be cautious of the “stare down;” use it only in certain circumstances.

You must always be aware of these three things without letting on that you are aware of them. Make sense? For instance, if you are getting ready for a meeting, you’ll want to be in your best clothes, neatest hairstyle, and smell good. Will that cinch it for you? No. You need to project what you’re wearing – your confidence, your commitment and your courage.

One final bonus area – be in control of your body movement. People can’t read your mind, but they can read or react to your body language. Your body tells others what is going on in your head. This means you have to monitor your thoughts. Keeping yourself in a positive state of mind helps you move with freedom and confidence. Despite whatever pressures you face in the office, focus on positive thoughts.

Pay attention to your voice. When you meet someone for the first time, project your name and greeting. Be clear. Project the key points when making a presentation. Keep your words simple and easily understood.

You can’t fake having a commanding executive presence; you can only move towards having it.

Having executive presence is the most important commodity an executive woman can have for her to have a meaningful existence. The key to having executive presence is the ability to project it.

5 Ways Women Entrepreneurs Show Gratitude

Karen Keller, Ph.D. — Fri, 25 Nov 2011 06:48:17 +0000

Gratitude is one of the most powerful emotions you can have.

Every woman in business is thankful for something or someone: investors, supporters, parents, spouses, customers, being in the right place at the right time, on-time delivery, increased on-line presence, high-performing team. The list goes on. But how and how often do you show your gratitude? Say a simple thank you? Give an appreciative smile?

Gratitude is more than counting your blessings. It’s about where you place your focus. Are you simply saying thank you out of habit, or do you really feel what it means? Only when you put feeling behind what you say is when it has value and becomes gratitude.

Gratitude is an influential energy that you must send out in the process of actualizing your desires. Until you learn to be grateful for the things you have, you will not receive the things you want. The emotion of joy attracts the conditions of joy.

Gratitude sends out the message that you already have what you desire. This is similar to how the law of attraction works; you need to think and act as if the object of your desire is already a part of your reality.

Gratitude keeps you connected to your power.

As you begin your day, say what you are grateful for out loud. Saying them silently in your mind causes your mind to wander. Be intentional with your gratitude. Look at all the abundance you have. Notice the small, yet significant, things.

Nate Lambert, a professor of family sciences at Brigham Young University, studied how gratitude helps the giver, not the receiver. What he found were people who expressed gratitude at least twice a week showed a higher regard for others and were more willing to resolve problems. Lambert concluded, “Gratitude works because it takes the focus off the self.” He added, “All of a sudden you start focusing on what’s good about the person and how that works well with you and suddenly you have a different mindset and a different approach to your relationship.”

Here are 5 ways women entrepreneurs show their gratitude:

Think small. Instead of waiting for the multi-million dollar client or the video that goes viral, focus on the little things about your clients or customers. Return the caring smile or nod, send a handwritten note expressing thanks, or publicly acknowledge an employee’s loyalty. Small gratitudes are the antidote to taking life and others for granted.
Decide to be grateful. If you are only grateful when things go your way, it makes you a victim of circumstance. Find something that came your way just because, meaning you didn’t work for or influence, such as a good night’s sleep, the fresh air you breathe, or the rain that keeps things growing. Say thank you for being there to receive it. It’s important to recognize the simple, yet massive, things we take for granted. Make the choice to reconnect with your invisible blessings.
Feel appreciation before you express it. Be authentic with your expression of gratitude. People will spot your lack of sincerity, which results in a loss of trust. A relationship without trust is impossible. Spend at least one day without being critical of anything. That may be hard to do, and if it is, then you have some “gratitude” work to do. Pay attention to what is right with the world.

“Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it.” William Arthur Ward

Don’t expect anything in return. When you say thank you or show your gratitude, stay unattached to the outcome of your expression. Expecting something in return distracts you from where your focus needs to be – on the person or situation receiving your gratitude. Take note of the deed that is deserving of your attention or acknowledgement. Really see it for what it is, not looking at it through the blur we’ve all become accustomed to as we rush through our day.
Refrain from expressing gratitude when the person is upset with you. The reason for this is the other person, while being upset with you, will feel conflicted when you express appreciation. Being upset, hurt or angry does not mix well with gratitude. Rather, resolve any conflict you have before saying “thank you.”

Gratitude is more than just a thank you. It’s a way of living, of giving back, of receiving graciously, and of building awareness and peace. Entering into this state of being is when you begin loving what you have. This is when you will discover all that you truly possess.

When you feel grateful, you feel worthwhile. When you feel worthwhile, you increase your presence in the world.

Women Influencing Business: Using Your Problem Solving Skills

Karen Keller, Ph.D. — Fri, 18 Nov 2011 08:01:56 +0000

Men look at problems and see one thing. That one thing which needs correction, and they seek to fix it. Women look at the same problem and see multiple things that need fixing. Men use their left brain searching for the answer, while women use their right brain searching for several answers.

Men and women evaluate problems differently. What else is new?

There’s the desire to solve the problem, then there’s the desire to uncover every reason or hint at what wouldn’t solve the problem.

Women look at a problem from every angle, including curves, corners and straight lines, speculating what will possibly work, and who will be affected.

In 2001, Harvard researchers found that certain parts of the brain were differently sized in males and females. The study found that parts of the frontal lobe, responsible for problem-solving and decision-making, and the limbic cortex responsible for regulating emotions, were larger in women.

It’s no wonder that a woman’s system of problem-solving takes a longer time and involves making everything personal and leading with her emotions in a quest to see how she would feel about each possible solution.

This makes perfect sense! Women with strong inner influence DNA rise to the occasion of finding solutions that work.

Women approach problem-solving with a brain that places emphasis on specific pieces of the problem-solving process. For instance, how much authority do you have? Are you responsible for the ultimate outcome? Will you have influence in directing people and their actions? How will you survive any backlash?

Keep in mind that your problem-solving capabilities are being used daily, if not hourly. Everything that comes into your frame of reference is a contributor, the result of a problem or solution. So women pay attention, even when they aren’t consciously doing so.

There are 5 steps smart women use to solve a problem – the first AND only time:

Define the problem that’s not the squeaky wheel. Every problem you’ve ever been confronted with always has a corresponding deeper issue that is the cause of the problem. This is where you should focus. Yes, take care of the “presenting problem,” but under no circumstances ignore the deeper issue.

The deeper issue is where you will find the source of several problems. When you get in the habit of going there, you will find you have fewer problems on the surface. This is the step where many people give up. Perseverance is not their strong suit. Not so for women. As we have all heard over and over again, “Can you just forget about it?” No we can’t, and thank goodness we can’t because we never give up when there’s a cause to be found.

Get everyone involved. One of the major ways to gain commitment from anyone is to get them involved in the process. Find out who the major stakeholders are. Who’s invested in the solution? What role do they play in the creation of the problem and/or the deeper issue?

Make the connection between what they stand to lose or gain, and how that will come to pass depending on their willingness to cooperate in reaching a solution. Commitment through involvement is when you can influence people’s thinking and behavior. Once you influence people’s thinking, you can educate them on how to ward of future problems.

Look everywhere for answers. Women are widespread in how they gather information, how they study it, make meaning from it, and how they will apply it. This approach will assist you not only in finding an answer but also the right answer. The more you do this, the better and quicker it works for you.

Do not discount anything at this step in the problem-solving process. Brainstorm, mind map, create flow charts, ask questions, ask TOUGH questions – then repeat. Use your critical and creative thinking skills. Reflect on and assess any assumptions underlying your own and other’s ideas. Develop ideas that are unique, useful, and worthy of development. It’s draining to get to the end of the process only to say, “Gee, why didn’t I look there?”

Make a Top Ten List. Choose your best ten solutions, rank them, then try them on for size BEFORE you implement them. This is where your natural talent lies. Let your mind race ahead figuring, understanding, and scoping out what will result from each of your top ten solutions. Something is guaranteed to stand out either as a huge bust or a great win. You just saved yourself valuable time and resources.

Skipping this step is a crucial error in the problem-solving process. This is when most people think the solution (note only one solution) they zeroed in on is “the” answer. Hello? Not so. And women get this. In fact, we’ve been criticized for years for making this step a priority in the process. Your ability to analyze, dissect, and play out all possible scenarios is what makes you valuable to anyone and everyone. Perfect this skill!

Decide, implement and evaluate. Quickly! Don’t fall prey to self-doubt, chronic complaining or consensus. Yes, I said consensus. Remember, you, and only you, have the responsibility for making the decision that will solve the problem.

You can do this quickly ONLY if you’ve done your work in step 4. You don’t want to be caught relying on hindsight. This step requires you to have courage. Your courage will be the deciding factor on whether or not you are ready for taking on problem-solving actions.

Not evaluating your solution is a sign of getting prepared for the next problem. This is another place women shine. We use our memories of past evaluations and problem-solving actions to determine what will work again or not.

The next time you are confronted with a problem, use your innate abilities to solve it. Trust in your confidence, your commitment and your courage to make it a one time solution.

How To Recognize The Influential Woman

Karen Keller, Ph.D. — Wed, 09 Nov 2011 09:57:35 +0000

Do you ever wonder whose life you’re influencing? Look around you. Who do you see? What’s going on in your environment?

Where are you having impact? Do you have the upper hand – carefully measuring and selecting what goes on in your world?
The woman who takes charge of her environment, diminishes the unexpected outside influence and embraces the effort, energy and time it takes to make it all happen, is a woman you need to pay attention to.

She walks carefree into a room of friends or strangers – it makes no difference – and gets immediate attention. She is totally aware of the energy she brings with her and the raised eyebrows of curiosity.

The influential woman inspires more than comment. She inspires action; action that produces results. This woman has courage that shines through darkness. She has the confidence to believe in her power.

The influential woman never sacrifices her integrity to bring about change. She always finds a way to stir people in her world. Her simple presence causes commotion – the good kind – but she’s comfortable with the uneasy kind, too.

This woman knows that people are creatures of emotion, not logic. She understands the role of logic and reason, but thrives on emotion. Emotion is the glue that allows her to have impact, to get noticed and to build a following.

The influential woman knows it’s all about the relationship. The relationship she has with herself is of utmost importance. Her experience and know-how is vested in her strong ability to form lasting, committed relationships. She shares her story, which is one that resonates deeply with others.

This woman keeps her eye on the ball. She focuses her power on making a difference that benefits not only her but also other women (and men) in her sphere. She asks tough questions and is not afraid of the answers. The influential woman creates comfort where people trust and like her. She doesn’t stop when she meets a wall. She continues forward finding another way. Persistence is her middle name.

The influential woman gets the value of gratitude. She honors honesty, respect and the willingness to return a kindness and be gracious for time spent. Her persona exists without mask or disguise. It shows the road to her inner most desires, perpetuating the truth of what makes her glow.

The most important facet of the influential woman is her capacity to love. She loves herself. She’s not afraid to make herself a priority. She is secure in knowing how this translates into being confident, committed and courageous in reaching out, bringing about needed change and engaging everyone in her world.

Persuasion Comfort via Karen AND Dale Carnegie

Karen Keller, Ph.D. — Wed, 02 Nov 2011 05:55:09 +0000

It’s important to be aware of your comfort or discomfort with persuasion.

Find out how fear plays a role in your influencing or persuasive behavior.

Here’s a quick self-exam. Yes, ladies, just as we do an external exam, it is equally important to do an internal exam. Read these statements. Be as honest as you can (nobody will see your answers – only you!) Please answer Yes or No to the following:

I second guess myself more than 2 times every day.
When ordering a meal at a café, I hesitate because of what others will say.
I feel totally confident in all my decisions to influence someone.
I listen to and act on others’ attempts to influence me.
I always consider how my actions will affect others.
I am usually the first person to answer yes to requests.
I tend to disregard or question my ideas.
I research thoroughly any risks or changes I make.
There is someone in my life I constantly try to please.
I tend to avoid uncertain or uncomfortable situations.

If you answered yes to more than three statements – don’t worry. There’s a simple recipe I use to get over my fear, especially a fear that exists in my unconscious.

Go through the fear. It sounds silly, but it’s necessary. Anticipation is the most painful part of dealing with fear; it brings us to a halt when we are afraid. When we see what happens as we push the boundaries, the fear gets worse. The best way to squash this fear is to let the part of us that keeps it alive die. Not literally. Seriously, women need to get rid of what is standing in our way – the part that tricks us into believing we cannot survive without buying into this fear.

So, what does Dale Carnegie say about influence?

Mr. Carnegie pays great respect to people who understand and practice the art of dealing with people. He praises people who understand and practice the art of dealing with themselves (i.e., their fear). You see, Dale Carnegie was a great believer in the power of influence and persuasion, not only in using it with others but also with ourselves.

In his book, How to Win Friends and Influence People, Mr. Carnegie talks about “The Secret of Socrates.” It is the idea that when you talk with people, don’t start with what you differ on. Rather begin with what you agree on. Continue the conversation with all the things you agree on. This is about the psychology of encouraging the other person to get in the habit of agreeing with you.

This applies to the internal conversation you have with yourself. When you find circumstances where your intuition speaks to you, wanting you to influence or persuade the situation and at the same time your voice of uncertainty wakes up, remember what Mr. Carnegie said. Get the other person (i.e., your voice of uncertainty) to agree. Take the necessary steps to be skillful at getting a high number of “Yes” responses from your voice of uncertainty (fear).

Don’t provoke your voice of uncertainty; acknowledge it. Start at a point where your intuition and voice of uncertainty can both agree. Then move this voice into agreement with your intuition. Tell your voice all the reasons for and benefits of agreeing with your intuition.

Dale Carnegie was instrumental in showing people how to influence, but it was an outward influence. Now, it is up to us to use these techniques as an inward influence.

Learn To Recognize These 5 Sources Of Power

Karen Keller, Ph.D. — Wed, 26 Oct 2011 06:20:16 +0000

Power is the ability to bring about a change in one’s psychological environment.

Does this resonate with you? For someone to have the power to change your psychological environment, don’t you have to give them that power first? Or is this a psychological game people play?

All good questions. But the real question is this: when people attempt to use this power on you, do you recognize it?

The science and power behind principles of persuasion lies in their ability to produce an automatic response from people. Automatic, meaning it happens without your realizing it is taking place. It starts in your subconscious and moves forward into your mind, making you respond to whatever type of power they are using on you.

That’s not the way women understand power.

Women have a deeper sense of power and influence as a way to create a shift. A shift inside another person. Women value that the process of getting someone to make a favorable decision happens when you reach them on an emotional level.

But that’s not the way many people see it or use it.

Unfortunately, people use power to get their way, manage stress and satisfy a big ego.

There are five sources of power that are used to influence people.

The first source of power is reward power. This is where the person with the power is also the person who controls the resources, such as energy, supplies, information, and even your time. The holder of this power sends the message that if you perform as they would like, then you will have access to energy, supplies, information and time. They appeal to your feelings of loyalty and friendship.

The second source of power is coercive power. This person has control over punishing you. If your behavior, ideas or words don’t please them, then they can punish you by withholding favor, being violent, hurting people you love or denying you. The worst form of coercive power is in a loving relationship. The person says, “If you continue to think this way, then I won’t love you, stay with you, or help you.” They use demands and threats to get you to comply.

The third source of power is legitimate power. This type of power is based on the position or title of the person who has it. For example, this could be a rabbi, a teacher or your mother. We’ve all been raised to have a certain reverence for people in authority because of their age or some other factor that is beyond our control. The problem is that some people who have legitimate power misuse or abuse it.

The fourth power source is expert power. This is based on the knowledge that a person has what others don’t. They use logic and facts to make an argument. Before you succumb to this power, you need to make sure they really are an expert. Don’t just take their word for it; check credentials, experience and education.

And the last source of power is referent power. Movie stars and politicians depend on this source of power. Referent power is based on a person’s attractive qualities. Beauty, charm and charisma all make this type of power hard to resist. They arouse enthusiasm by appealing to your values and aspirations.

Each of these “sources of power” is an external way of persuading or influencing someone to do what you want… something happening outside of yourself.

Each of these types of power is under someone else’s control – not yours.

Part of the reason people are susceptible to other people’s power is because they don’t discover their own power. They are so busy searching on the outside for what exists only on the inside.

Beware of the traps from these sources of power. Just because he’s handsome doesn’t mean he has your best interests at heart, or just because she controls the resources, don’t roll over. Find your own resources.

Always be hesitant when you hand over your power, blindly follow someone else and look no further than what you are told. Power can be good and bad – just recognize when bad power is being directed toward you.

How To Stop Being The Rescuer

Karen Keller, Ph.D. — Wed, 19 Oct 2011 09:42:01 +0000

Women are rescuers. Often at their own expense. They rescue people at work, in their companies, even distant relatives. It happens consciously and subconsciously. We don’t even recognize our codependent behavior until it’s too late.

Women assume, sometimes against their better judgment, responsibility for making sure everyone is happy or at least satisfied. For some reason, we believe it’s our job to make sure all is right with the world.

Confused? Not sure if this is you?

Here are a few regular statements from a bona fide rescuer:

“Oh, I’m so sorry.” (followed by cleaning up a mess)
“Let me help!”
“Oh, you don’t need to bother. I’ll take care of it.”
“Honest, it’s not a problem.”
“I can do it later.”
“Tell me about you.”

The messages we send may be subtle, but they are strong. They tell others we don’t matter as much as they do. These messages are the first steps in encouraging others to take us for granted.

Women get into a cycle of over-helping. Some women go as far as creating a reason to help. For instance, we watch the pot boil over only so we can run to it and save the day. Sounds ridiculous, but it’s true. We let the team move ahead based on faulty information, then we become the knight in shining armor.

Now, that may be the extreme. The “helping” idea is built into our nature. To deny that would be to deny our true selves. Really?

When does helping become controlling?

How far is too far?

The psychological reasoning behind our incessant need to help can be attributed to the fear that if we don’t rescue or help constantly, we are not seen as contributing or having value or, worse yet, aren’t needed. We end up feeling lost and useless.

But in the process we lose ourselves. We succumb to feeling only worthwhile based on someone else’s definition of worthy. Our identity gets lost. We see our reflection in connection with another person – the one we helped.

How do you recognize when it’s time to stop, when you’ve gone too far, or when you are in need of a 12-step program for rescuers? When is it time to join “Overhelpers Anonymous?”

It starts to sound (or feel) like this:

“I’m exhausted caring for everyone.”
“I jump in without being asked, and then feel upset when they don’t appreciate it.”
“I complain about the stress of attending to others.”
“I get jealous when I help people achieve their dreams” (because it wasn’t me on that stage).
“It’s okay that I’ve given up on my own dreams, so long as my family succeeds.”
“I’m exhausted trying to repair several problems at once, none of them my own.”

Now, there’s nothing wrong with having good intentions. And yes, we all want our loved ones to succeed. But here’s the difference. Healthy help is based on a desire to improve other people lives; unhealthy help is about the helper’s emotional needs.

Unhealthy helping is about the helper’s emotional needs being satisfied.

Recognizing and dealing with the overwhelming desire to help is essential to breaking this dysfunctional pattern.

There are a number of variables to consider when you have decided that you are becoming or already are the “overhelper.”

Variable #1: “Feel Good” Chemicals
When women are in the helping stage, they get a rush of “endogenous opioids,” which are internally produced chemicals that affects the brain creating a “high” sensation. Oh, it’s all very natural because we need these chemicals to function as mothers. But in some cases, the need to “overhelp” lasts beyond childbearing years and to people beyond our children.

The Fix: use this “feel good” hormone on yourself. Any nurturing you direct to yourself releases the same chemicals. Pay special attention to yourself during stressful times. Tell yourself, “You’ll be okay,” or “You don’t need to rush in.”

Variable #2: Evasive Assistance
We complain that we never have time to do things for ourselves because we are so busy in everyone else’s lives. That is a smoke screen for, “I’m afraid to get involved in my own life.” So to avoid our own fears, we get caught up with what’s going on around us. It’s an acceptable deception for not addressing what we need to do to fulfill our own dreams.

The Fix: Connect to what is really going on. This requires honesty and vulnerability. You may discover anger and frustration, which are normal responses to being an “overhelper.” You should be angry. Give your frustration a voice: “I’m so happy not to being helping ___________. Now I can focus on me.” Take at least 30 minutes a day to work on what YOU want. No more excuses. Just do it!

Variable #3: Messiah Complex
This is when you view yourself as the ONLY answer. You are ALWAYS the responsible one. Nothing or no one can carry on without you. So, to assure that you’ll always be needed, you tend to criticize other’s efforts. This is a frame of mind that is learned early in childhood. Probably from parents who didn’t parent.

The Fix: Understand the difference between helping and giving support. Constant helping tells the recipient, “You are needy and weak – I am strong and capable.” Continuously doing things for others leads to resentment. You become the martyr of the “overhelpers.” Rather, switch to being a supporter – cheer them on.

If you find you are an “overhelper,” then you can stop right now. Nurture yourself, lend support and watch your energy move from “Eck” to “Wow!” You will become less resentful, more in tune to your needs and a role model to others who need to overcome their “helpfulness.”

How To Be In The Right Place At The Right Time

Karen Keller, Ph.D. — Wed, 12 Oct 2011 07:14:49 +0000

Do you always do the right thing at the wrong time? Maybe you’re in the right place but the wrong time.

Timing is a trait everyone wishes they had.

Can the art of perfect timing be learned?

Is it simply a matter of thinking or listening to that feeling in your gut? It’s both.

The decision making part of your brain is constantly observing, storing, and arranging all the information it comes in contact with. It calculates what, when, and how we use that information.

On the other hand, humans possess vastly sophisticated senses to help in the navigation process. We get “signals” that make us feel everything is on schedule. This is called intuition.

The problem comes when we don’t pay attention to those signals. We fail to appreciate the extent to which our brains interpret the patterns, observations and motions it incorporates into its storage system.

So when these two facets join, what happens? What does it look like? How capable do you become when these strengths combine?

Your nonverbal brain communicates to you through hunches; it can give you uneasy feelings when you procrastinate too long or commit too quickly. It has the capacity to excite you, slow you down or keep you feeling balanced.

Merging these two facets of brain storage and instinct is when you will substantially increase your chances of not only being in the right place at the right time but also doing the right thing at the right time.

Timing success is dependent on the extent you pay attention.

The need for perfect timing is protection and opportunity. Protect you from bad things, accidental wrongs and hurtful or damaging situations. Perfect timing is also an opportunity, chances for improving abilities, increasing knowledge and reaching goals.

People who value the need for protection and understand the presence of opportunity respect both information and inklings.

“Lucky” people will tell you they tune in to information and instincts, while “unlucky” people talk of how they ignore or reject facts and premonitions. They push away the uncomfortable feelings that signal danger or trouble lying ahead.

How can you tune into your timing inclinations? The best way is to access your internal guide about the future while noticing everything that is occurring in your present.

Sound impossible?

It’s the difference between tying yourself to the sinking boat and jumping into the life raft. It’s a decision – an important one.

Here are some strategies that will help you determine what and where the right place is.

Breathe – slowly. Focus on your heart rate. Stay aware of your pulse. Pay attention to what is going on in your body. It speaks volumes.
Accept that you can’t change the past. It’s done. What you can change is where you go from there.
Recognize that the future is unpredictable, and you can use all your powers to determine what fits best to get you there.
Identify what is current – things going on in the present. If the present is painful, it can hurt, but not as bad as pretending everything is good.
Follow through on ideas or plans for your future.
Pay attention to your gut, hunches and intuition. Make changes accordingly. It’s there to protect and serve you.

Following these steps will give you an increased ability to predict and use your information and instincts. The more you act on your gut or instincts, the more accurate your predictions will become.

The best way to develop your “timing skill” is by correcting your mistakes. Anticipating conditions that might change, avoiding possible problems and taking hold of opportunities, is very much a skill. Exercise it every day – after all, timing is everything!